Tara Brach - My Religion is Kindness – Part 2 (2017-12-20)

Episode Date: December 23, 2017

My Religion is Kindness – Part 2 ~ Authentic kindness must include the life within us. These two talks examine the movement from an armored to a free and loving heart. The first looks at how we can awaken from the trance of unworthiness and establish a genuinely caring relationship with our inner life. In the second we explore how self-kindness awakens us to the heartspace that naturally includes all of life. Your support enables us to continue to offer these talks and meditations freely. If you value them, I hope you will consider offering a donation at this time at www.tarabrach.com/donation/. With gratitude and love, Tara  

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste and welcome. People often send me stories and jokes and wisdom pieces from children, so I thought I'd begin there with one woman who sends from her granddaughter Lily. The question is, what did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing. They just waved. It's a prelude to a talk which is a continuation from our last class here on open-heartedness and friendliness. And I began last week with my very number one favorite teaching from the Dalai Lama.

It's when he says, my religion is kindness. And I often think if kindness, if all we could just reflect was one primary area and if we just said, okay, kindness, what does it mean in this moment? It would really heal our world. So we're going to continue on that theme tonight and my hope is that this talk will be somewhat user-friendly for younger people. I'm not sure how young, but a much younger friend, Ella, a few months ago, she listens regularly to my talks at night with her mom, and so she asked me to do a talk that would be pitched a little bit for a younger audience. So this is a bit of an attempt to do that, dedicated to

Ella and to the next generation and to all of us who are seeking to wake up and refresh our hearts. A few days ago, a very dear friend gave me a gift that was really a donation to the Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee. And it reminded me of a story I've always loved that I imagine a lot of you remember of two elephants, Shirley and Jenny, who had been in a circus together 22 years earlier and then got reunited at this refuge. And they immediately recognized each other and for the rest of their lives. You could see pictures of them just leaning against each other and stroking each other with it and their intertwined trunks. Wonderful.

And then I started thinking of, I love stories of different interspecies relationships and you remember the tsunami and when the tortoise adopted the hippo? How many of you remember that story, some of us? Anyway, it was another one where this 130-year-old tortoise, this hippo got washed ashore after the tsunami and this tortoise adopted the hippo baby and they just, again, were just, you know, pals. and it was just, you could see the hippos head lying on the kind of paw, I don't know what you call it, of the tortoise, and it was very cute. But the reason I share this, these stories go viral, and how come?

And there's something in us that loves to see goodness. We love goodness. We love to see the goodness of creatures to each other. Elephants to elephants or tortoise to hippo. because it gives us hope and the goodness that really lives through all of us. In another story that touched me, a social activist Fran Peavy describes being on the campus at Stanford and there was two chimps, a male running loose and a female on a chain, and there are spectators, some scientists, and mostly males were kind of around the chimps

and they were kind of rooting on the male trying to get them to mate with the feet. female who was on a chain and who did not want a mate. And so he's eager and going at it and she's like, you know, whimpering and pulling away. And Fran's heart just, you know, really opened with a lot of empathy. And she describes this. She says, suddenly the female yanked her chain out of the male's grasp and to my amazement she walked through the crowd straight over to me and took my hand. Then she led me across the circles. The only other women in the crowd joined hands with one of them, and the three of us stood together in a circle. And I remember the feeling of that rough palm against mine. The little chimp had recognized us and reached out

across all the years of evolution to form her own women's support group. So again, we get this sense of our hearts feel it, holding hands and helping out when one's in trouble. And it also of this story shows how easy it is to be hurtful when it doesn't even seem like something would be hurtful. But you ask, well, what stopped the crowd from realizing that this female chimp was suffering? How come that was just, how come the guys got into it for entertainment and didn't catch on, you know? And so what I want to talk about a bit is both how we get cut off and get unkind and how we can really practice, really train our attention so that our hearts are really there for each other.

That's the intention of this talk. And the main reason we get unkind is because we get disconnected. We get caught up and what's going on inside us. You know, the circling thoughts, the worries and the fears and we're afraid something's going to go wrong and we're going to get in trouble. There's something we want and we're just fixated on it and then we forget about others and when we're caught up, when we're really on that track of I want, we tune out in a way that others aren't real anymore to us and their feelings aren't real.

I call this unreal others. We might forget about the feelings of the animals that we eat, you know, the cows and the chickens and so on that are actually really tormented in factory farming. It just isn't real to us because we're in what we want. Or we might forget about the feelings of those from different races, say in this society people of color that where there's this habit among white people to feel superior and to put down and what's it like to be put down? We forget about that or we might forget about people from other religions and how if we're

in the main, in the religions that are more mainstream or dominant in this culture. And then as in the story I shared about the chimp we forget what it's like when males are trying to dominate females. It happens in our own families and with our own friends though too. We forget how others are feeling when we're caught up in ourselves. But the good news is we each have the equipment in our brains, we have the parts of our brains that are there that actually when they're activated have this amazing capacity to sense what's going on for another person and to care deeply and to reach out.

We all have that. So then the question is can we notice when we're carried away? Can we notice when we've gotten lost? And that's really the trick. We don't need to practice mindfulness formally if we're naturally present and open and remembering but we forget. So in one story I heard about these two young boys eight and ten were very disobedient and they were very, they were really messy and they didn't.

obey their parents and they are also played ball in the house and broke vases and they raid the refrigerator and eat the cake that was supposed to be for the guests and the next you know that kind of thing so the parents were at their wits and they didn't know what to do but they heard that the church pastor church they went to the minister there was very good at disciplining children and he agreed to talk to the boys but individually one at a time The eight-year-old boy went first. And the minister sat the boy down and said sternly to him, Where is God?

And the boy made no response, so the minister repeated it, even sterner. Where is God? And again, there was no answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger, where is God? At that point, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, slammed himself in the closet, older brother followed him and said, what happened? And the younger brother replied, we're in

big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it. So we need wake-ups because tuning out is a habit. So when does it happen most to us? I mean, you might think, well, for you, when does it happen? I'd say for most people I know, it's when we've got too many things to do and too little time and we're afraid we're going to fail. How many can relate to that scenario? Yeah. Okay, so then we don't attune to the people around us so much. And then for some people it's because we're afraid we're not going to fit in

and so we're trying to make a good impression and we're so self-conscious and so much trying to look good that we really forget what things are like for other people. So in some way we're wearing kind of blinders and earplugs because we're trying to get approval or whatever it is. One woman was a very busy businesswoman, New York City top firm there, and she usually would take a limo to work. I mean, she was very high up on the hierarchy, very in power. But there was a big storm, so she had to take a bus.

So she figured she'll catch up on the news, on the bus. On the bus there was an embarrassing situation. She had a lot of gas and lots of people crowded in and she didn't know what she was going to do. But then she realized the music was really loud. So she decided to fart to the beat of the music. Okay? Okay, okay, okay. So this seemed to be working.

Then finally was her stop. She left the bus and everyone was looking at it. at her and only after she stepped off did she realize she had her headphones on. Come on you guys, come on. I was requested to share that one. It's a little bit of a sleeper too, isn't it? It's not our fault that we get caught in our own, I call it a trance and we forget about people around us.

It happens to everybody and there is a way we can train. to tune in more. And so that's what the rest of this talk is about is how do we train to be attuned to each other? And the beginning place, the poet Rumi puts it this way, he says, do you make regular visits to yourself? There's a real difference between being caught up in ourselves and in our own story and actually paying attention and listening and saying, oh, what's going on here. You know, listening to our own hearts, listening to if we're feeling sad or lonely, listening if we're feeling passion or excitement, listening if we're scared. So the first step is to listen inwardly because if you can listen and really notice with kindness what's going on inside

you, that same listening attention will be available to. your friends, your family, and others. That's the first step and the opposite goes too. If you're constantly fixated on other people, if you're always trying to figure out what are other people up to and what are they thinking about you and something, you won't really with your heart be able to sense what it's like for them. Let's just pause for a moment

and just take a moment to close your eyes and sense, well, what does it mean to listen inwardly? I like the word attune, that we're attuning. It's one of the gifts a really good parent gives to attune to the child. And so we attuned to our inner life. And if we're listening inwardly and there's no judgment, there's just interest and friendliness. We can start sensing, well, how does this body feel from the inside out? And what mood is here?

What's going on? tune into ourself, we begin to wake up the part of our heart and our mind that can attune to others. So we're going to now explore two ways of attuning to others. Okay, you can open your eyes as you're ready. The first one, I love the way it's in a way it's framed by African American social activist Ruby Sales who her work has been through her lifetime, been to bring more care and justice and healing between the races and to the world. And she asks the question, it's helped her to tune in over the decades and the question is, where does it hurt?

She'll see somebody that may be having our time and that's her inquiry, where does it hurt? And she actually tells a story of asking a young teenager that question and it allowed that her to really share her heart in a way she hadn't talked to anybody else just because somebody asked that question. I mean, you can imagine being with your family or friends, school or work, and if somebody's acting upset, maybe they're bothering or hurting other people, if instead of judging them, that was your question. I mean, imagine that. Somebody that's acting ways you really don't like and instead of judging them you thought and yourself, okay, where does it hurt inside you?

Or I sometimes ask myself, well, what's it like being you? What's it really like? That brings up compassion. I mean, one of the most powerful ways to attune, to reconnect is to remember that if anybody's acting in a way that you think is horrible, it's because they're suffering. that people, if they're happy and if they're feeling loved and things are good, they don't act in ways that are hurtful. If they're filled with anger and if they're acting in a violent way, they're hurting.

James Baldwin, African-American writer puts it this way. He says, I imagine that one of the reasons that people cling to their hate and prejudice so stubbornly is because they sense that once hate is gone, they'll be forced to deal with their own pain. Right? It's easier to stay in hate. It's easier to be aggressive than it is to deal with where we're hurting. That's the first piece. If you can begin to ask yourself, where does that person hurt?

You know, there's a story I heard of a town that gave awards for the best acts of kindness of the year and one four-year-old child, his next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman and his wife had died and one day the little boy noticed that the man was outside in the porch crying so he went into the yard and he climbed in the man's lap and he just sat there and when his mother looked over and she saw the son and the old man sitting down, together, she was surprised and when her boy came home she asked him that what did he say to their neighbor and his response was this, he said, nothing, mama, I just helped him to cry. This is compassion.

This is when we don't try to fix somebody. We're not trying to make them different. We're bringing that receptivity and presence, just sensing how they're hurting and keeping company. So take a pause here again and we'll just try it out. Just might close your eyes and you might bring to mind someone you know who's having a hard time. Somebody you know who's maybe feeling depressed or anxious or feeling a sense of failure who's afraid right now. And maybe more than you have in regular days, lean in a little and ask that question,

where does it hurt? How is that person hurting? What's it like to be them right now? You might imagine how your heart wants to reach out. What is it they'd most need to hear or feel from you? And you can in your imagination offer it and know that'll make you more inclined in real life offer it, maybe whispering something reassuring, letting them know you care, and sense who you are when you're caring.

What's your sense of your own being when you're attuning to another and caring? We practice because it's not our habit to lean in and really pay attention to what it's like for another person. But if we don't really pay attention, it's kind of just an idea. caring. It's only when we get close in, like the little boy sitting on the man's lap, that we actually, our hearts get melted some, get tender, opening your eyes as you'd like. I heard a story, one kindergarten teacher, the children in her class heard about the Iraq war when we were entering and sending bombers over there and they were really upset and they

master, do they know that they have children over there? And the teacher said yes and then the children said, no, they couldn't know that, we have to let them know. And so they went into their playground and they used all these different materials to write the word Iraq and they had a child drawn and they were with an arrow because they were caring. The circles widened when we can start bringing care within. and we start leaning in to really sense what's it like for you. Then our hearts become really boundless.

We start including more and more beings. That's the first practice. Where does it hurt? What's it like being you? The second practice is to tune in what you most appreciate about another person. And our habit often is to scan for what's wrong so it's a training also just to get in the habit. And how do we do it? We imagine we're with somebody and we're thinking about somebody and imagine what's it like

when they're acting in a way that's loving or happy or when they're really filled with life and we start getting in the habit of remembering what we like and feeling that warmth spread in our hearts. So one training is how is it hurting and the others can I see the goodness right now? One of the tricks I love when I'm talking to somebody is that I actually ask myself, well, what's the color of their eyes to make sure I'm really looking? Because when I pay attention to someone's eyes and I'm present with that, I sense sentience, consciousness, the beingness there.

And wow, that feels like goodness. So it's a training to do that and then when we see goodness, when you think of somebody and sense their goodness, there's this feeling of warmth that comes up and if you act on it, like if you in some way let them know what you love or you do something for them, it's like a fountain, it's like the feeling of warmth just goes and you just feel the sense of fully alive loving. There's a writer Arne Garbarg and he says, to love someone, is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten,

because we forget. So that's the other training, is to remember the goodness and let other people know. Ticknatham says, as a Zen teacher, when you say something like I love you with your whole being, not just with your mouth or intellect, it can transform the world. So we do this one. Just take a moment to close your eyes again. Let somebody come to mind, one person in your life who you know you care about, but take some

moments to intentionally lean in and remind yourself, why do you really care? You might, as I do, just see their eyes close up and sense that consciousness, that's the light of awareness there. You might remember a moment when that person was very happy, very pure happiness, or when that person was showing you their love, lean in, seeing the goodness, feeling the warmth that comes when you appreciate and you might in your mind whisper the person's name and say I love you. And imagine them receiving that so you can feel a little of that fountening.

of love when it becomes full. And sense, who are you when you're seeing goodness and expressing love? What's the sense of yourself? The poet Mary Oliver writes this. It's called Little Dog's Rhapsody in the Night. He puts his cheek against mine and makes small expressive sounds. And when I'm awake or awake enough, he turns upside down, his four paws in the air and his eyes dark and fervent. Tell me you love me, he says. Tell me again. Could there be a sweeter arrangement? Over and over he gets to ask and I get to tell. So we're exploring these two different basic ways of waking up our heart with each other. And by simply noticing when people are acting in ways we don't like, that we can ask, well, how are you hurting?

We shift from being a judgmental person to a person of wisdom and care. And by asking, well, where's the goodness? We get in the habit of appreciating which is the most delicious thing in the whole wide world. It's so much more fun to be appreciating goodness than to being judging and tight. So I started with children's wisdom and I want to close on the same note. This is called the wisdom of babes and it's children's ideas about love and marriage and so on. And I just thought I'd read a few. They were asked the question, you know, what's your understanding of love and marriage?

One is one response. No one is sure why it happens but I heard it has something to do with it. how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. It's May, age nine. Love will find you even if you're trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five but the girls keep finding me. A man and a woman promised to go through sickness, illness and diseases together. I like that one. Strategies for making people fall in love with you. One. Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. Del age six. Don't do things like have smelly green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the

same thing as love. One way is to take a girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work out for me. That's bar at age nine. Good advice about love. spend the most of your time loving instead of going to work. Dick, age seven. Just a couple more. When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time,

even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth. When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore but then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more. Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. You really shouldn't say I love you unless you mean it but if you mean it you should say it a lot.

People forget. One more. When you love somebody your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. So we'll close now, just take a moment again to pause. And to feel your heart and feel the breath gently coming in and out of your heart. And sense the goodness of your own being,

that in you which loves to love, to receive love, to live from love, the goodness of your awakening being, that you're becoming more and more aware. And just sensing how that light and goodness shines through all beings and sensing that you can hold all beings in your heart and feel a part of that heart space that really fills this world. And we together can send our prayers and our care

to all who are suffering. May all beings everywhere be filled with loving kind. kindness, held in loving kindness. May all beings awaken and be free. Namaste and thank you. For more talks and meditations and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.