Tara Brach - Our Refuge of Heartspace (2020-11-04)

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

Our Refuge of Heartspace (2020-11-04) - Amidst the great emotional reactivity of our times, this talk looks at: How do we hold this? What will allow us to respond wisely to our hurting world? How can we widen the circles of compassion? Our time includes a guided meditation, sharing of responses to several inquiries and a period of question/response.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. So namaste friends. Thank you for joining us and really a welcome, of course, to all of you in the United States, but also so many different countries. It just always touches me to see where you're joining in from, which means that it can be very late at night. So I'm grateful and I'm particularly glad to be together this evening. There's so much emotion, so much intensity, so much difficult intensity living around these elections here in the United States. And of course, so many of us knowing that even supposedly when the elections are concluded, there's not an end to the challenge.

challenges this country and the world is facing, so many friends. So I'm imagining that as I speak that there's a range of what you are experiencing. For some continued kind of anxiety, fear, for some hope, some anger, some maybe feelings of great aversion or hatred, some grief, and a lot more. I wanted to kind of right at the beginning, pause, and just invite you to sense, you know, what has been stirred up in you, what's the most predominant feelings perhaps that you're experiencing today, these moments. If you just did a meditation, then maybe not these moments, but in general, these last

hours. And what I'd actually like to do is invite you, if you are interested in sharing, in the Zoom chat, to just put in two words that capture perhaps a good amount of what you're feeling right now. And I'll be returning back and sharing a bit from what I see on the Zoom chat later in the talk. So if you're in the mood, two words that express what you're feeling. So our inquiry this evening is really how do we hold what we're experiencing? How do we connect to an inner refuge of presence of heart so that we can respond wisely to our hurting world? And there's a phrase I've always loved from a Burmese meditation teacher. He describes us cultivating a heart that is ready for anything, a heart that's not dependent

on things being a certain way, but really has that openness and power of presence that we're really ready for anything and can respond wisely. So I just wanted to put that out there as something to keep in mind as we explore together. I know for myself the lesson I have to keep learning. and relearning and relearning in my own life is that the more things speed up, in other words, the more things feel urgent, where I'm seeking certainty, wanting things to be a certain way, afraid that they're not going to be that way, the more in those times I need to slow down.

I need to pause. I need to come back into living presence. So I feel there's a real power to us collectively pausing right now, listening together, sensing what it means to come home to our heart and our awareness. So tonight I'll speak some and then I'll be doing some, we'll do some reflecting together and open it up to some questions. I wanted to begin this talking away with a story that just keeps coming back to me and it's about anthropologist Margaret Mead.

years ago, she was asked by a student what she considered to be the first sign of civilization and culture. And the student expected her to talk about clay pots or tools for hunting, grinding stones, religious artifacts, that kind of thing. But no, what she said was that the first evidence of civilization was a 15,000-year-old fractured femur. A femur is the longest bone in the body. It links the hip to the knee, and it was found in an archaeological site. And so in societies that didn't have modern medicine, it would take six months, six weeks of rest, complete rest for a fractured femur to heal. And this particular bone had been broken and healed.

And she said what this means is, in the animal kingdom, if you break your leg, you die. Now, there's no creature survives a broken leg long enough for the bone to heal. you're eaten first. So a healed femur indicates that someone helped a fellow human. They bound the wound, they carry them to safety, rather than abandoning them to save their own life. So that's the beginning of civilization, is this capacity to care about each other, to help each other, to sacrifice for each other. And it's correlated by evolutionary scientists who now can document a brain spurt that human went through 10 to 20,000 years ago where the frontal cortex got more complex and evolved

and along with it there was more communication, collaboration, and collaboration beyond kin. And that's a really big deal because that means that humans were able to care about each others in what I call widening circles. And we're going to come back to that too, the whole trajectory of evolution being this capacity to include in our hearts widening circles of beings. And now, neuroscientists, they can actually wire up people to MRIs and show us what's happening when we feel a kind of all-inclusive caring. And you may well have touched this in your life where some way your heart opens and gets

really tender and you really just feel like you're holding all of life, that we're all connected. And so neuroscientists can show that when that experience is happening of connectedness, of oneness, the frontal cortex lights up and there's integration through the whole brain, kind of harmonizing. And in contrast, when we feel separate, when we feel angry, when we feel hateful when we feel like we want to hurt others? Well, the frontal cortex quiets down and it's really the most primitive part of our brain, our survival brain, that's activated and takes over. The reason I'm kind of going into evolution right now, I find it really useful and interesting, but I'm finding that so many people right now feel shocked and despairing about it.

the degree of a kind of limbic hijack that's society-wide, a kind of regression devolving the prominence of so much fear and aggression. And over the last, you know, a handful of weeks, I've done a lot of online teaching that's been very interactive, somewhat like tonight where we'll have a chance to speak together. And many people have shared with me how triggered they are by the degree of dividedness, by the degree of cruelty that's sanctioned in our society, a willingness just to let it happen, violating the most vulnerable, not taking care, how triggered there are by the grip of white supremacy, the violence surrounding the elections, the boarded storefronts. And now in this close election triggered by that sense of, I thought

we were further along, or I hoped, I hoped that more people cared. I'm sharing this because the reality is right now where it's very evident the suffering of fear and hatred and violence. And this has been a major ongoing current through the history of our species. The story of our lives as a species has really been a story of wars against external enemies and oppressive caste systems like racism in the United States, dividedness, deception, trying to deceive others, greed, the greed that's now clearly destroying our earth. So we've been here before. This isn't a new experience. And evolving involves swings. There are in recent

decades, progressive movement, civil rights, the inclusion of different voices, and then a backlash. It just keeps going like that. So, many of you are familiar with the term the long arc of justice. And I think the reason that phrase is so resonant for so many of us is that there's this wisdom in it that we are evolving and it's through generations. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with Razma Medicum and it was a podcast of conversation about trauma of racism. And he said that he looks at it like it'll take nine more generations to repair, to heal the trauma that's tearing so painfully at our society. Nine generations. I was thinking today of Sri Lanka. They went through

decades of very violent civil war and towards the end the leader there, Ariya Rotti, he's considered the Gandhi of Sri Lanka. Right towards the end of their civil war he proposed a 500-year peace plan, a 500 year peace plan. He said it took hundreds of years to create the suffering of that civil war and it's going to take hundreds of years to cultivate the trust, the understanding, to make repairs that create true belonging. But here's what's important. It's that when we speak of the long arc of justice or the 500-year peace plan, the assumption is, it is possible and we're part of making that happen. We're part of manifesting. And it has everything to do, and this is really what I'm hoping to hone in on in this talk, our society

needs us. And the world we want to create is nourished by how we live today, November 4th and tomorrow, November 5th. And the invitation is, can be we sense what's going on inside us and pause and arrive in presence, a presence of heart that allows us to then act from love, from wisdom? Can we be part of that trajectory? And I want to be clear that when I say come into a present heart space, it doesn't mean that our emotions are gone. I mean, mine aren't.

I have felt all sorts of waves of strong emotion. I'll speak to that in a bit because I want to share it with you. But it doesn't mean that our emotions are gone. We still are going to feel the waves of fear, anger, aggression, whatever it is. But it means that whatever emotions are arising, we don't get so lost in the reactivity. It means we can find our way back home again to some remembrance, some sense of where the ocean and the waves are moving through us, that the waves don't define us, that we don't have to believe our thoughts, that other people are feeling this too, and that

there's a space of wholeness and presence and care that's really more the truth of who we are than when we get hooked by our reactivity. So the deal is that the more we pause and practice meditation, which is this coming home and coming home, the more remembering. What we practice gets stronger, are said differently. Enlightenment is an accident, and meditation makes you accident-prone. And I love that. So here's an email that I got a few weeks back and it inspired me, so I'll share it with you. And this is a woman from Ontario sent in.

She said, I recently taught my four-year-old rain as a way to help her when she was feeling frustrated, sad, lonely, bored, or even happy. So far, it has been me helping her with it. But tonight at bedtime, she told me she did it at school on her own. She was getting upset about the mask she had to wear. She said she went to her cubby and practiced rain instead of throwing a fit and a mom. putting quote signs in the air. Those were her words. She said she was feeling frustrated. So she sat and felt it and it was in her belly. And after a few minutes, she felt a little better and took a deep breath. She said she didn't nurture this time, but usually she hugs herself and says,

I love you, Anna. Just, oh my gosh, you know, if Anna can do it, we can do it. So it's a beautiful description of the pathway home, of this training, those of you that aren't familiar with rain, then we'll be practicing at rain as a way of weaving mindfulness and compassion when we're feeling stuck and reactive. So here's the practice. You know, we get caught in that limbic hijack and we all do. We pause. We go to our cubby. We create a space and we recognize what's going on and we allow it to be there. We investigate, feel it in our body, breathe with it maybe, bring in some love. And then of course just to say that sometimes the hijack is super strong, it's more in the trauma realm. And if it's too much, then we take extra time finding a safe cubby,

extra time grounding, breathing, bringing in some self-nurturing. So, I mentioned that I've been caught up in all sorts of strong emotions, and I wanted to share my experience this morning. My normal habit is that I don't go anywhere near a tablet, a screen, until I usually go for a walk by the river and do a meditation. But this morning, I went ahead and looked, and immediately my entire, body. I just felt a contraction. I felt kind of sick, sick to my stomach a bit, stirred up. So I went into my cubby, which is going to the river. I live very near the Potomac River and walk to a spot that's really very precious for me. And I read you that poem on purpose, the piece of wild

things because for so many of us, our cubby is finding some refuge in nature. Our cubby can also be connecting with another person, going to a safe space, many ways. So there I was. I had found my cubby by the river, and then I began to practice rain. And the R of rain, what I recognized initially was a sense of grimness, dread, and anger. That was, it was just really tight. And then the A was allowing it, saying this belongs, you know, letting it be there. Others are feeling strong feelings too. It's a time collectively, societally, where there's a lot going on and there's a sense of huge amount of tension around these elections and so much more. So letting it belong there. And then the investigate, I could feel that grimness and it had a mix

of dread and disappointment, other words come to mind. But when I started feeling under it, that's when I actually started weeping because the words that came to me is, I'm grieving the world. I'm just feeling grief for our world, that it's the way it is. Those were the words. It was just a deep grief that things are the way they are, that there's so much suffering, that there's such a limbic hijack of our society, that there's so much pain. And so that investigating brought me to that kind of grieving place. And I let that just happen, you know, just grieving, grieving, and gradually kind of felt that I was just holding it with this real tenderness, prayerfulness, that's what was holding the grieving place, that was the

nurturing. And I quieted down. Somebody reminded me of this quote by Ticknauthan that the tears I shed yesterday have become rain. There was a sense of, with the tears, with the rain, with the rain practice of softening and opening. And after we do rain, there's what I call after the rain, which is something that if you miss it, you're missing really the low-hanging fruit. Because after the rain is when, for me, it's just sensing, okay, so what's the presence that's here? What's really here? And what I found was just a lot more space to be with the world, with what's coming up, more what I call heart space. And I like that word because it's not a heart sometimes sounds like it's a defined place, but heart space is this tender space of caring. And from that, as I walked back from

the river, it was so much easier to remember how many people care. I remembered all of you. Really, this is this growing community of beings that care. And I remember that no matter what, we can just keep holding hands and keep waking up our hearts and keep trying to live from that. So there was a sense of reconnecting with that heart that's ready for anything. And as you know, and as I know, it takes practice. You know, if we want to be part of the healing, we need to start right where we are and it means over and over again, acknowledging oh, another wave of a story of somebody else is wrong, they're bad, a feeling of anger, just keep on being honest with it.

But gradually we get the knack of pausing and befriending what's here so that we can then widen the circles and include others. You know, the Dalai Lama some years ago, he said that if every eight-year-old was taught mindfulness, there would be no more war. next generation. I think of that a lot and because really there are many places now that children and teens are being taught mindfulness in many places, a lot of schools, and they're actually doing research showing that when teens start paying attention to what's going on inside them, pausing, being with it, there's a decrease of bullying. There's more circles of

reconciliation, there's more empathy and what's going on. If we know how to bring that kind of attention to what's inside us, if we really kind of learn to stay with our own edgy experience, raw experience, we start getting kind and friendly towards it and then we're able to be with others and we can sense their vulnerability more easily. We feel more connected. We know what happens when we really pay attention to another. We saw it collectively as a society the summer with the horror of witnessing the killing of George Floyd and then looking more closely at how many black bodies are being violated by our justice system on the streets, how much violence. There's just been this waking up to we're part of a

racial caste system. And for an increasing number of people, that recognition, this really imprisons all of us. For so many, this sense of really wanting to have an inclusive society, a more representative democracy. And we're all having to reckon with that in moving towards 2042, you've heard the date when whites become the minority, in moving towards 2042, in moving towards that, there's increasing reactivity and fear and fight to hold power. And the violence of white supremacy will intensify, not just faith. I want to say that when I speak of caste system, when I speak of becoming more sensitive to the vulnerable beings in our society to those who are oppressed, race is central.

I'm including all who are oppressed due to class, due to sexual orientation or gender identity, body size, physical ability, and so many more identities. What we're really talking about is widening the circles of compassion so that we're not leaving anyone out of our heart or out of our society. So all beings, the dignity of all beings is truly recognized. and cherished. So we're looking more now. How do we practice this widening of the circles? And where in your life? Where in your life can you sense that there'll be more freedom, more healing if you can widen the circles, either in your personal immediate life or

bringing in groups and others that are different from you? It's a really crucial question. I'm imagining that most everyone listening right now has someone in your life, at least, who you're really aware you've created separation with. I think we all do that, often with many people, but somebody maybe where you feel that they're inferior or wrong or bad for some reason. Maybe it's a personal conflict of needs. or maybe there's a distancing because of race or maybe it's because of views. That's the big one right now, isn't it?

That we have people in our life, often it's family members, and it's so painful when there's different views of reality and how do we hold people in our hearts? That's a question that has come to me many, many times. And what I come back to is simple in a way that like the eight-year-olds, we need to keep practicing mindfulness, deepening attention, feeling what we're feeling, and then having the intention to see past the mask and remember our shared heart space. I'll share with you, some of you even been with me for this in 2016. I was on retreat. There were about a hundred of us during that election. And there was a huge amount of reactivity at the retreat center. Word got out. And one teacher was meeting with one of these students who had voted for Trump and who was feeling ostracized by others at the gathering. So the teacher and the student were talking. And they were talking about their different views and their different

realities. And then the teacher said, can we agree that we don't want others to suffer? Do we both agree on that? And they both totally agreed on that. And that was where the heart softened. I mean, they may have totally different ideas on how you get to that, but they could honor each other for their caring. Now, sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes our widening the circles just begins by us being with people where we can start honestly naming where we're stuck, where we can't forget. We may have the intention to open our hearts, but we just feel locked in and threatened and unable to.

I have a friend Franco Susseski that probably many of you have heard of, he founded Zen hospice and He's an author and a very deep, wise teacher. And he described teaching a workshop on grief and forgiveness in Berlin. And he described as the workshop was ending, a woman in the back of the room stood up and said, I've been listening to you talk about forgiveness. But my father was a prisoner in the concentration camps, and I can't forgive his killers.

My heart is like ice. The whole room went silent. Again, the only appropriate response was to bear witness. And then another woman on the other side of the room raised her hand to speak. And Frank's thinking to himself, okay, the stories of the camps are all going to come, all the losses now. And she sit up and she said, my heart is like ice too. It feels like a stone.

My father was a Nazi officer who was a guard in the camps. I know that he killed people. I can't forgive him. Silence. And then these two women did this amazingly brave thing. They made their way across this large conference hall, 200 people, and they embraced. They didn't say a word. They didn't have to. They just held each other. And their action was this clear recognition that they were no longer alive. alone in their pain. For that moment, their suffering was all of everyone's suffering. So the circles

of compassion widened. We just start where we are with the truth of where it hurts. We open to it, we try to hold our own being, we share what's real with each other. And where we can, we begin to try to widen the circles where we've created distance. Start really where it's easier. You may have somebody in mind that's, especially of this trauma and abuse where it's not healthy to forgive. The work is self-compassion then. But you may have somebody in mind where there's distance. And even if you can just say at some point, you know, I know we're living with entirely different worldviews, and I still love you. You matter to me.

Maya Angelou says, I've learned that people were forget what you said. will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Can we let someone else feel more accepted and loved by us? This is widening the circles and our world needs it. So friends, it's a gift to pause. It's a gift to reconnect inwardly when things are stirred up, so we can bring our heart to this world that needs us. One of my friends, who is also a teacher, A couple of years ago, she was going into major heart surgery, and she wasn't sure if you get through. And she asked herself, what's the most important message that I can share with those I care about? So it was this. She said, it's simply this. Be kind to yourselves, to one another, to all living things, and to our dear Mother Earth, and let that kindness blossom into action.

Okay, so let's practice a little. Let's just do a little bit of this practice of holding our own being in kindness, widening the circles. Take a moment if it helps to adjust how you're sitting. You might close your eyes and let your attention go inward. You might take a nice full breath. Now scanning as you did at the beginning, whatever current reaction is calling for your attention. right now. Whatever reaction to our society, the elections, or if there's something going on in your personal life that is what's most strong that. It might be to do with a relationship, health. But start with what's calling your attention. And take a moment to pause, go into the cubby, which means just take a moment to ground yourself, feel the that you're here. If you've chosen something that feels traumatic, you might want to scale

back and find something that's not traumatic. But whatever it is, just feel yourself here. Feel the weight of your body. Feel the ground, the earth supporting you. You might look to your sides and see the room you're in. Look behind you. Just feel yourself right here. There's a degree of safety. You're right here. and feel your intention to explore what's right here inside you with gentleness and kindness. We begin reining by naming, you might mentally whisper, whatever is going on inside you that's most calling your attention. And so it might be words like anxious or afraid or angry.

are excited, or hopeful, or despairing, whatever it is. And whatever you've named, let it belong. You might even send the message, this belongs. This is the allowing. And as you allow what's here inside you, you might sense that you can include and allow what other people are experiencing. I'm going to read to you what some of you have written in of what's going on inside you. So you can just sense we're all holding, making room. Uncertainty, anticipation, apprehension and hope, fear and hope, hopelessness, sadness and grief, grief and disbelief, anxiety and shock, overwhelm and grief, fearful, powerless, Tired, anxious, dread, despair and hope, grief and sadness, disappointment, anxiety, grief, anxiety, hope and love anxiety and fear rage and despair sadness heartbreak confusion and hope grief grief

and anxiety, sadness and unsettled, fear of racism, waiting, hoping, excited, nervous, compassionate, acceptance, blocked and frustrated, disbelief, disappointment, abused, angry, fear, worry, letting it all belong, sensing the ocean and these are the waves, and then feeling the waves that are most close into you, that are going on in your body, your heart. So we begin to investigate. You might again name them, let them be here. You might even ask, well, what's the worst part of this? most upsetting to me. What am I most afraid is going to happen? And then let yourself feel

whatever response you have in your body, perhaps your throat, your chest, your belly. Let it be as much as it is. It sometimes can help to put your hand on your heart as a gesture of accompanying what's going on. Help you stay with it. If you're finding anger there, you might say, well if I couldn't be angry right now? What would I have to feel that's so painful? And can you feel into where the vulnerability lives? You can even let your posture, your face, express what you're feeling right now. Whatever it is, blocked, frustrated, anxious, angry, frustrated. Let your face, your posture, express what you're feeling, then feel again into your body right, directly. to where you feel it. Let your hand be touching your heart and let the touch get more tender now

and sense that you can offer some gesture of care to the place in you that's feeling reactive and that's hurting. What is the message that you'd like to offer? Just like the little girl said, I love you, Anna. She hugged herself. What is it that brings more comfort? effort, more ease. It could be simply, I'm sorry and I care about the suffering. It could be a tender prayerfulness. Please may there be healing in this body, heart mind and in all body heart minds, offering some words, offering touch. And if it's hard to offer for yourself, you might imagine and sense some other being that you love, that you trust, offering care to you, and let it in.

It might be a spiritual figure. It could be your dog. Just to feel that companionship, that offering. See if you can let love and care kind of bathe you right now. And taking these moments to sense that. the heart space that's here, sense if there's more presence, maybe sense the shift from the self that was feeling anxious or reactive to this presence that's aware and caring. And as you open your attention now to sense the world that we're a part of, this world

that's filled with so much trust and fear and anger, you might just sense where and how how my eye widen the circles of caring. Where is there separation in my life or in my way of relating to the larger society? And you might wonder what will help me to let kindness blossom into action? In these final moments, I'd like to invite you to just call on the wisdom of your own the presence, the most awake part of your being, the wisdom of your heart space. And some people call it the high self or their future self. And just sense if there's some message for you. What is important to remember right now as you move forward for the rest of the evening,

tomorrow? What's important for you to remember? what will most serve healing, widening the circles of compassion. So see what message your present heart has for you. And if you have a message that's just a few words, less than a sentence, you might share that with me by putting it in caps in the Zoom chat, a message from your higher self, what you want to remember in moving forward.

As you're ready, you might open your eyes. And we are going to shift a little and explore some questions that you might have this evening. So Leo, if you're here, yeah. Welcome, everybody. So we are going to shift into a Q&A portion. Tara, I think our first question is from Gail. How can I stay hopeful without feeling that hope is a form of, clinging to an outcome that I really wants.

Beautiful question. Oh, hi. Here I am. Ah. Okay, I woke up in the middle of the night and that I couldn't sleep and then I just kept thinking, you know, by hoping so much that there would have been this, you know, landslide of people seeing that we needed to change and there wasn't. And I was so clean.

I was so clinging to that outcome. And then I felt that that is against all the Buddhist teachings that I've been taught, you know, that you're not supposed to cling to something. So I can't reconcile it. I need an expert's guidance. So what I'm hearing you say is that you're actually being quite mindful because you're aware that you really did cling to an outcome and what it feels like when you cling to an outcome and then it doesn't work out the way you want it to and what happened.

So there's a really big difference between wise hope and having an expectation or a clinging around an outcome. And you're already tuning into it, Gail. And it's an important inquiry for us all. I started talking about a heart that is ready for anything. Our heart can't be present and responsive if we are hitched to how. having to have things a certain way. That's the teaching. And that's what you're, when you're talking about the wisdom of the Buddha,

and the Buddha basically said cling to no thing whatsoever. So we can hope, we can hope right this moment together, that there's a possibility of healing, of more compassion, of taking care of those who are oppressed, of actually repairing ourselves so we're not caught in this racist caste system forever. You know, we can have hope in that. But if we're clinging to a certain outcome, a certain timetable, a certain election, a certain anything, we're in trouble. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah. It's the precision of the hope that is the problem, as opposed to hope as a moment. Yeah, one of my teachers says, you know, when people say, you know, what about desire? He said, your problem isn't that you desire. It's that you desire too little. You get too fixated. Desire for the universe. Desire for love, for truth, for it all.

And, you know, but don't hitch it to concrete, narrow things because things aren't going to always go our way. There's so much freedom. But I want to say is keep hoping. Keep the sense of possibility. It takes courage to hope. It takes courage. It takes to kind of trust that there is a goodness and keep hoping and being available and working towards.

It just don't let there be a grasping around it being a certain way. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, thank you, Gail. Our next question is from Paul Michael. Sometimes this belongs makes me worried because then it's like you're scared yeah you should be any other tips for the a of rain hi Tara hi Paul first just want to say this is so awesome this is my first time being with the community

I usually listen to the podcast and it has changed my life and this year has been so hard in this community has been so incredible so thank you so much for that I just wanted to start with that Really, really mean it. Okay, so my emotion that I come back to the most is fear and is anxiety. And when I try to bring rain to it, you know, the R is good, the I is good, the N feels really good. Sometimes the A I struggle with because saying this belongs makes me feel like, okay, yeah, you should be scared. because, you know, like, that's, that's, so I'm wondering if there's any, any other, and then, because then that makes me get more scared. So if there's any other, uh, reframing of A, I think that

would be helpful for me. Sure. Um, these are just words and it really, it's, every one of us has to customize. And I love that. You're saying, oh, wait a minute, that's what that sets off. Because this belongs doesn't mean we should be feeling it and that we're, that we're right to be feeling the fear because something's really bad is going to happen. This belong means that it's this wave that we're feeling is here. So it's part of our nervous system right now. It's part of what is. It's kind of a courageous acknowledgement of reality of the moment. It's not saying that it's going to always be here or that the content of the fear is right. If your fear is, oh, I am the deepest fears.

I'm unlovable. I'm failing. I'm going to be, you know, rejected. It doesn't mean the message is true. It just means that it's natural that the fear is there. And just to allow it to be there means that you're not fighting reality. You're actually going to investigate reality. I understand.

So the fear is true. That does belong. That is real. The reason for it or the story. story that you're telling yourself that is creating that, that doesn't mean that that is necessarily true. You said it better than I did. Yeah, it's, I used, I often use the phrase real but not true. And that's a really useful phrase that the fear is real. It's going on. You know, the biochemistry is happening and, you know, and it's, we're contracted, but the message of the fear is not truth.

Awesome. Thank you so much. Well, I'm sure you helped other people understand better. You're asking a really good question. So yeah, lovely to meet you. Thank you. Thanks. So our next question is from Carston, and I apologize if I'm not saying your name correctly. There are some people who do things that make it difficult to feel compassion. To try to feel compassion for them seems to undercut the compassion for those who are the victims. How do we hold compassion for both?

So there are people who really do terrible things, and we see them. We see them politically. Sometimes we know some of them. It's really hard when we see them do terrible things. And when, at least I'll put it in the first person, try to feel compassion for them, especially for people who do these just incredibly beastly things.

it feels dishonored that I'm dishonoring their victims, the people they cause to suffer. So it's very difficult. I was talking to a friend of mine, he's a Buddhist practitioner of many years, and he says, you know, I think Trump needs to be in the worst of Buddhist hells.

And I said, well, what about compassion without exception. And he said, you know, he just makes it so difficult. And I resonated with that. Yeah. So what to do, not just with Trump, but any number of people who you just say, look at the suffering they are causing and they're causing it wantingly. So often I'm not sure that it's true that they don't want people to suffer.

They may in fact be enjoying the suffering. Yeah, yeah. I hear it. And to feel compassion for them seems almost to depreciate the compassion, I feel, for those who are suffering. So how to hold both? Yeah, no, it's a beautiful question. And I think it's a very honest question because most people I know are not able to,

authentically open their hearts to those that they feel are causing that much harm. So here's the question, though. How do you feel towards those that are causing a lot of harm? What goes on in your body, mind, towards them? Anger. Sometimes what I would call righteous anger, angry justice, not just, I'm angry at them, I'd like to hurt them, I just, just a general sense of, I wish they weren't there, I would not go away, sometimes despondence, because they don't seem to be going away. Yeah, so the reason I ask the question is that all emotions are intelligent. So I'm not thinking like if you feel righteous anger that, oh, you shouldn't feel that, you should shift to compassion.

I think it's really important to start where we are and sense the intelligence and the message of, so if you feel righteous anger and it motivates you to do stuff and get involved and act and so on, that's great. One of my friends puts it this way. She says anger is initiatory, but it's not transformative. And what that means is use the righteous anger. But then what happens if you get locked and you're always just feeling this kind of grim, nasty, wish you would just go to hell feeling? It's not helping the world. And it actually creates hormones in your body and biochemistry that's not so good for you.

And it actually leaks into other things. And I don't think it means that you're then going to be more tender-hearted towards the victim. I think it just tightens our heart. So I feel like we do need to notice when we've locked into it. version and not for the sake of Trump, but for the sake of the freedom of our own hearts, to sense, okay, so what's going on there? And usually underneath it for me, when I get locked in anger, there's a sense of powerlessness. And then underneath that, there's a sense of hurting because others are hurting. And then again, to care. And if I can go down that path,

I actually, my heart's more tender for the victim, for whatever. And ultimately, from that place of caring, I am more clearly able to discern pathology and where people are hurting even those that are causing harm. So it moves towards more inclusive. But the first step is just to realize it doesn't serve you to have the anger lock in. That's all. Yeah. Can I just say one more thing?

Please. It's not that I can't feel compassion. I mean, if I think about Trump, he's a suffering animal, and I know something about his history, a little boy who was told he has to win or he's a loser and so forth. I can feel compassion for him. It's that when I feel the compassion, I feel conflicted about feeling the compassion for this person who's done so much harm to others. So it's not that I'm locked into the anger.

It's that I feel conflicted in the compassion. Well, you might actually check out whether when you turn your attention to those vulnerable people who have been oppressed and victimized, whether there's actually less compassion. Because my experience is, when my heart's tender in one direction, it doesn't diminish the tenderness in another. other. So just see whether your belief about that's really true. Just investigate that. Thank you. This is really useful. It's wonderful. Wonderful to meet you here. You too.

Blessings. Yeah. So next we have a question from Valeria. Sometimes I feel too scared to be compassionate towards myself as if if I accept my flaws, I will never change them. How do you practice self-acceptance and self-compassion without the fear of changing your bad habits. Ah, okay, Valerie. Hi, Tara. Oh, I wasn't expecting to be next to. It's nice to meet you. And you? Yeah, I have this constant conflict about being nice to myself.

I'm always very hard of myself. And I don't know how to change it and just be compassionate. So you said something I thought was really astute when you said, because if I am self-compassionate, then I might not ever change or I might not become the person I want to be, that there was a fear that you wouldn't grow if you were self-compassionate. Right? Did you say that? Yeah, that's right.

So that's a belief. I mean, what it makes me think of is Carl Rogers, he's a, you know, famous American psychologist, he said that it wasn't until I gave myself, you know, permission to be not okay that actually was free to change. It wasn't until I truly accepted myself as I was that I became free to change. It's like true transformation, the prerequisite is self-compassion. But what I'm hearing is that that's something that you're afraid's not true. You're afraid if you were kind that you might not really change? Yeah, it's, sorry, I'm just struggling to find words.

It's say, like, I sometimes have like a short temper with my mom. I just feel so incredibly guilty every time I feel like that towards her, that, you know, thinking, oh, well, if I just accept that, that's just how I am. I'm short temper with my mom. that's not okay for me. I can't accept that that's just how I am. So if I accept that I'm short-tempered with my mom, will that make it okay or will I never change that? As a silly example. No, no, it's actually a fabulous example. So let me ask you this. When you get short-tempered with your mom, what's going on inside you? Like what's causing that short-temper? she can get a little bit nosy in my personal life and I just feel quite like oh just give me some space

just let me don't ask too many questions about my personal life and I just get quite um just really annoyed and then I feel guilty at the same time so let's so let's slow it down so you get really annoyed so there's something that's really bothering you I mean it's not like you're manufacturing the annoyance. You're, you're, in some way you feel invaded. You feel like your, like your space is not being respected. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um, is there a part of you that can see that, um, that place in you that feels invaded or not so respected, um, that it deserves to feel that you have your own space. There's a lot of people that if others were imposing themselves like that would feel the same

way as you do, would feel irritated. So I'm not suggesting that you keep on lashing out all your life, but I want you to slow it down and appreciate that there's a part of you that really feels like you're not being treated right, that needs more of your sovereignty, more of your independence. And you can't help that that's how you feel. That's just what's coming up. So what I do with myself is when I start feeling things like that, I'll just say forgiven, forgiven. Like this is just what's coming up. But if I do that, it helps me find a better way to deal with the situation.

You need to maybe set more boundaries. I do have a problem with that, actually. So yeah, you're right. But you won't learn how to do that if all that happens is you lash out and then you feel guilty. So we need to interrupt this pattern. And first, just get a little more understanding of what's going on inside you. You've got a right to react. This is what human body minds do.

Thank you. Many blessings. Take care. So that's going to be our last question. I'd like to take a few minutes to close and we'll appreciate having our collective energy in on the closing. I feel like you've been a really wonderful group.

I can feel the support for each other. And the questions were really beautiful. So just to do a bit of a closing reflection together, And again, to invite you just to take a few full breaths and close your eyes, sense the intention, really, of our evening to kind of awaken that present heart space, to kind of find ourselves coming back home so we can respond to our world with more care, so we can widen the circles. And I asked that question, you know, what's the memory? message from your wise self that will help you in moving forward and in widening the circles.

And just again connect with whatever message resonates. And I'd like to invite you to also hear some of the messages other people have experienced or have been offering to themselves. and just so we can actually be uplifted by the collective wisdom that's here. I'll just say them the first one is, remember, they need love too. The next, be curious. This too shall pass. Put kindness first in every interaction.

I will be okay, all as well. Just love everybody. Fearless compassion. Don't lose hope. You are worthy of love. All beings deserve love. The universe bends towards good. Look for the people who are helping.

That's Fred Rogers here. It's amazing who shows up at these classes. No matter what happens, I stand for equality, and I will keep fighting for it. Connection creates integration of the brain. You may be here. You have a place here. You are part of this world, part of this healing.

You are meant to be here. Surrender to the wisdom of presence. Rest, allow. Trust the process. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't fear. It may never happen. Love heals.

Know your potential capacities, worth. We are love. You can take all the time you need to heal. Where there is hatred, may I bring love, despair, hope, forgiveness and compassion to what is. Hold yourself with kindness and everyone else. Walk in kindness and stay connected. Love will prevail.

Just letting that wash through. and to feel our collective prayer as we move forward. May we find our way home to presence, to our awake heart. May we live from love. May we hold hands and work for a world where there's true belonging, where the sacred light that lives through each being is cherished. where all voices are included. All beings belong.

Taking a nice full breath, open your eyes when you're ready. I want to thank you, each of you for being part of this, those that are joining us live stream, it really makes a difference in the midst of a lot of insanity to gather and bring our hearts together in this way. So if you'd like to get on Gallery View and to just to offer each other your readings, a wave or a Namaste or whatever, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For more talks and meditations and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabroch.com.