Tara Brach - Preparing our Hearts for the Holidays (2021-12-01)

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Preparing our Hearts for the Holidays (2021-12-01) - While the holidays can be times of loving celebration, they can also highlight relational conflicts and challenges. This talk explores how, given the stress of the season, we can bring grace and openheartedness to ourselves and others.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste and welcome friends. Some years ago, a good buddy went to Asia and spent a few months practicing in two different monasteries and experienced really deep states of inner calm and peace and clarity, real sense of inner freedom. And then he went back to the states for the holidays, spent five days with family. And he was astonished at the surges of reactivity. He watched himself, but he described evolutionary regression, you know. And, you know, we talked together, and it was not in any way diminishing the power and the value of deep retreat, more just honoring the tenacity of the old patterning that keeps coming up in us,

that we need to consciously include the stressful places. We need to include them as an intrinsic part of our spiritual practice. So here we are in this holiday season and whether you love the holidays or hate the holidays for most it's stressful. And then, you know, when we're stressed, our wants get exaggerated. We want things a certain way and our fears about what's going to happen, become more focused and fixated and our confusions and our misunderstandings. It's just part of this, this stressful mind.

It's part of our culture also. The things speed up. There's a lot of consuming and acquiring and preparing. So on December 24th, woman named Tony wakes up with a start, and her partner asks, what's the matter? And she says, well, I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Christmas. What do you think it means? You'll know tonight, Sam says. That evening, Christmas Eve, Sam comes home with a small package and gave it to her. Delighted, Tony opened it, only to find a book entitled The Meaning of Dreams. So we're going to look together at approaching these holidays with presents. And I got some support in composing today's reflection. A couple of days ago, I reached out for

your collective wisdom on Facebook and Instagram. I wrote this. I said, while the holidays can be times of loving celebration, they can also highlight relational conflicts and challenges. For those who have navigated difficult holidays, either being alone or with others, what has helped you bring more grace and open-heartedness to yourself and others? So it's a very, very rich sharing and deep gratitude friends who put something on. And you can find it if you're interested. I think you'll find a lot of inspiration there and in who looks on Facebook or Instagram. So our theme really is how to prepare ourselves, how to prepare our hearts, really, to navigate the holidays with openness and presence and compassion. It's really how to nourish our caring

relationships with our inner life and with others. And I suspect, and I know this is true for myself, that for many, if you look year to year, you'll sense the same pattern and keeps playing out in relationships. I know for myself, just looking back after the holidays and realizing I was not the most fully expressed awakened heart being, you know. I wasn't living the fullness of who I was. And realizing that I seemed to go into a certain kind of a trance. And of course, it's the same trance we go in with others in daily life, but because the holidays are stressful, it gets exacerbated.

And we know that. We know one big reason is that there's the wounding that we've all experienced to some degree in our families of origin. and that gets triggered, especially for around family. You might remember from Freud, if it's not one thing, it's your mother. I remember a Pfeiffer cartoon. Some of you might remember this,

where he shows a man sitting in a, he's kind of pensive reflecting, saying, I inherited my father's way of thinking and attitude about things. And then the next frame, I inherited my father's love of movement, and dancing and athletics. Next frame.

I inherited my father's style and sense of moving through the world. Last frame. And I inherited my mother's contempt for my father. So so much of our family experience keeps re-arizing, whether we're with our family or as is the case for many in these holidays,

there's no family to be with. And neither were invited to be with others and as one friend of mine puts it, we become the 13th wheel, are, we're alone. As a matter of fact, I looked it up, that last year, one in nine people were alone. So one big stressor is the patterning set in from our families of origin. But also, and this is society-wide last year, this year, there's been a huge spike in general in anxiety and depression, in loneliness, in fear. We're in global emergencies, climate emergency. Authoritarianism

is on the rise. There's that huge dividedness between people of different views. And then with COVID fears, so many are entering the holidays, this holiday, carrying major losses, recent deaths that they're grieving. And this is particularly true because, you know, COVID has been so unequal and it's a fact. It's particularly true for those hit hardest, lower income people, black, indigenous, people of color. So many families have experienced a death of a loved one. And as several brought up in Facebook, there's stress, a particular kind of hardship for those who are trans, non-conforming gender identities, those who are LGBTQIA,

frequently face abuse or misunderstanding from families of origin. So times of gathering could be very disturbing. I'm naming all this on purpose to bring, you know, having our collective awareness, the challenges for so many different populations in the United States and other countries. You know, we often have this illusion created by popular culture. It's just beginning to change some, but illusion of real holidays as a gathering of family, centering on a male, female, married couple or couples with children celebrating a merry white Christmas.

And we forget the reality of the season is people are celebrating different holidays or perhaps no religious holiday. It's all races, all religions, all identities. So many don't have a solid family unit. The family unit's really painfully broken. Many are alone, are gathering in all sorts of formations, and living with the whole range of joys and sorrows. So as we approach us together, the real inquiry is what will help to bring forth the best of who,

we are, the goodness of our hearts and whatever the particular circumstances we find ourselves in. And just to say that as we do this, we'll do a couple of guided reflections and meditations. And if you benefit from journaling, I really invite you to have either your computer, piece of paper, to write on. So one of the givens here is that no, matter what our situation is, we're herd animals. And relationships with others, especially around now, can easily become a central focus. And of course, it's sometimes very positive and beautiful, the feeling of love and joy and gratitude, celebration, play, you know. And if we're alone, it can be beautiful. Quietness, stillness, time for meditation, prayer. But for most,

more complex. And the time shine alight and how disconnected we feel or are directly, they exacerbate the relational tensions that might otherwise stand to ground because it becomes right in our face, you know, our sense of social anxiety, are getting more controlling or defensive or judging or guilt or resentment. So basically, we can see our lifelong relational patterning play out over the holidays. I have a favorite little essay. Some of you might remember where an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you, your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough. And the son goes, Pop, what are you talking about? And then the old man goes on, we can't stand the sight of each other. And we're sick and

tired of it. I'm sick of talking about it. So just call your sister in Chicago and tell her. And hangs up. So calls a sister and tells her and she calls Phoenix father and starts screaming at him, you're not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we get there. I'm calling brother back. We'll both be there tomorrow until then don't do a thing. Do you hear me? She hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, they're coming for the holidays and they're paying their own way. So when our relationships are out of balance, we go into a trance and there's a lot of controlling and there's a lot of reacting, acting out. So you might pause here and just start to ask yourself, well, how am I approaching the holidays? Some of you

already in the holidays, Hanukkah. How am I approaching? And how am I approaching? And we're We'll scan for flags here of what could be trance or lead to trance. It could be you might ask yourself, you know, my tensing against potential conflict with somebody. Or is there dread of kind of obligatory time with someone that I'm not wanting to be with? Or is there anxiety about being judged? About meeting other people's expectations or needs around gifts or if you're providing the food around the food or you're providing space around your house, home. Is there anxiety about

feeling out of place, about not belonging? No. Are there COVID worries? For those that are spending a lot of time alone, you might sense, you know, are you anticipating or already feeling shame or loneliness about this or fear, depression? What stories? do you create about being alone? So just to reflect for a moment to ask yourself, how are you approaching this? And listen and sense if there's something that wants to be acknowledged or accepted, some tension in your system about what's ahead that relates to people, whether it's being with them or not being with them. And now to the invitation really for each of of us, and that is to let this holiday season be an integral part of our spiritual path.

And by that I mean that regardless of situation, choosing to consider these days as holy days as days dedicated to sacred relationship, to open-hearted relating with our inner life and with others. Just to sense that, that's the invitation. And to acknowledge the challenge, which is that we all go into trance or most of us do. We shrink, we become less than our whole cells and we often operate from a reactive place, a place where we're feeling needy, angry, hurt, you know, overwhelmed. So, let's Let's look at the antidote to trance and we'll do it in a few parts. The first part is setting our intention which is so powerful.

And the second part is actually rehearsing in advance with the challenges. So the beginning of preparing your heart is your intention. Your intention actually creates the energy that will guide your attention and your actions. So you might reflect again and this will be a place for journaling also. And that is take a moment to sense, how do you want to feel when the formal holiday season is over if you're looking back? How do you want to feel about it? What will matter to you about what unfolds with others and in relating to your inner life?

get a glimmer, allow yourself to imagine, to visualize what it would really be like, what it would look like, what it would feel like if in tough spots you had that kind of a kind accepting presence with yourself and with anyone you might be with. Know that intentions need to be reflected on regularly. So over these next days you might again and again, say, how do I want to feel after? What will matter to me about how I'm relating? And to just visualize, imagine the kind of presence, the kind of communicating that you'd like to see with others and with your own inner life. So that's the first part, setting the intention. The next is to start anticipating what are the challenges?

You know, what are the ways that trance arises? And can you, ahead of time, be able to see that and practice with it? And it helps just to consider in the big picture that trance is exacerbated when we enter relational situations with strong, unmet needs. I'll say that again. Trans is exacerbated. It's fueled as when we enter our relational situations with unmet needs, strong unmet needs. Unmet needs like regularly not feeling connected or belonging. That's an unmet need. We have a need for connection and belonging. An unmet need for feeling safe if we regularly don't feel safe. If we regularly don't feel seen,

are respected, understood, cared about it. If those are the feelings that those are the needs we have that we regularly feel are unmet, then when we go into relational situations we're going to go more into tramps. There's going to be more activity there. And these patterns are set in place really early relationships and they get triggered in our group gatherings or when we don't feel included. And what happens when we go in with the things? strong unmet needs, let's say for safety or belonging or acceptance, is that they keep us fixated

on ourselves. They keep us hooked on our coping strategies, which are fight, flight, freeze, and appease. And they blind us really to what's really going on with others, including seeing their goodness. Okay, maybe here I'll do a personal sharing because I'm talking broadly about the holiday trance we go in with relationships and to share my own experience for many years in a row the shape of my trance was I had the kind of hero child archetype in a sense where I was being the in the role of the over-responsible one trying to make everything right wanting everybody to feel good and connected having things go well and of course related to that was the over-controller to make it all happen a certain way, all in the service of to feel worthy because part of my

self-worthiness project was to have everything go well with all the people I was with that made me feel good about myself. And what would happen in actuality is I'd go in there with that archetype and that controlling, but there'd be a lot of judging of others because they weren't cooperating with my project. They were obstacles in my worthiness project. They weren't, let's say, getting along or acting in the ways I wanted them to or whatever. And then I'd end up feeling a sense of, in some way, like a bad person, because it wasn't working out. So I kept replaying this pattern. And my parents were getting older and older. And I'd go through the holidays and afterwards go, wow, you know, there was where was the real presence and acceptance.

I was just being controlling and judging and so on. And I remember in the midst of one holiday, I could feel how stuck I was and I went out for a walk and by then I had begun to practice rain. And it happened to be raining out at the time, but there we were. And so, and I started recognizing and allowing, you know, the tension of the controller and sensing the judging and investigating underneath that,

finding underneath the judging others was a lot of self-aversion. I didn't like my judging self. So not only was I falling short, my hero child was falling short, making everything outside me perfect, but also my hero self was a judging person that I didn't like. and that created distance. And so if my deep, unmet needs were feeling worthy and connected, they weren't getting met. It was like I had a bad strategy. And I felt grief. This is all part of investigating in rain.

And then I brought kindness, self-compassion to that grieving place. That's the nurturing of rain. And it opened me up. but soften me, tenderizes me. It helped me re-inhabit a larger beingness. And from that place, I could see the others that I were judging. I could see their insecurities. And I could also see their good hearts, you know, everybody neurotic and everybody, real decent humans, all of us. So I lightened up with everyone the rest of the day. And I remember very vividly that evening, We were around the piano singing.

And there was great good cheer and terrible sound. We were off-key, we were forgetting verses, we do musicals together. We were, we just kind of, it was a disaster in terms of the way it might have seemed to others, but we were having fun. And I just went to bed and noticed a sense of well-being, that there was space for us imperfect humans. A verse came to mine, I'll share with you from Dorothy Hunt that says, stayed with me for the last decades now.

She writes this, she says, peace is this moment without judgment, that is all. This moment in the heart space where everything that is is welcome. Peace is this moment without judgment. That is all. moment in the heart space where everything that is is welcome. And that was really the takeaway of just putting aside my expectations that I or anybody would be a certain way. And when I could just accept that it's okay, it's okay that some suffering arises, it's okay that things don't feel good. It kind of created space just to respond with a gentleness and a care and a flexibility

ability to what actually was happening. It didn't have to be a certain way. So for the subsequent years, you know, whenever I felt needed, I would do a light rain in advance of the holidays. I still do. When I say a light rain, recognize, allow, investigate, nurture, could be 20, 30 seconds, and then after the rain, which is the key part, just sensing who we really are. That presence, it's larger than any identified self. So this is just an example, one person's example, of getting stuck and going to trance, but it's made a huge difference to catch on to, oh, so these are the unmet needs. This is my worthiness project.

This is my way of trying to feel good about myself. And to be kind towards that and then open up towards others. our first practice will be to do just that, to do a kind of rehearsal with light rain on wherever you see yourself as potentially going into trance. And I find this super valuable. So it takes some moments afterwards to journal if it feels resonant to you. So the beginning is just to take a moment to arrive, wherever your mind is gone or your body is, find it right here. Let your body and mind be in

the same place at the same time. Feel yourself breathing. Feel your body breathing and gently begin scanning whatever reactivity you anticipate that would benefit from a healing attention. So you might imagine whatever is ahead for you that could be relationship. emotionally stressful. It might be a primary gathering you're planning to be part of or a key day that you'll be alone, that you won't be with others, and scan and sense what you most anticipate might trigger you. It might be a certain person and in interaction with them. For many, there could be a lot of triggers. It's fine to just pick one. One that might bring up anger, hurt, fear.

You might sense underneath what is most asking for attention. What might you not be wanting to feel? So rain starts with recognizing, recognizing whatever strongest emotion you anticipate and imagine. And the A is to allow that to be there. And just for now, this is the reality. Let it be here. Okay, there's fear or anger.

The eye investigate is to feel it in your body and breathe with it. As you do, letting yourself really feel the vulnerability that's there. For some it helps to let their posture express that and even their face. So you might try that. So that if you go right into the very center of the vulnerability, what's the unmet need? Is it for belonging? To feel special? To feel accepted?

To feel safe? Forgiven? Valuable or worthy? To sense the unmet need. And to nurture that place, you might sense who could offer some nurturing. Is it maybe your own awake heart? Or perhaps there's another.

Maybe you imagine a parent or child. or friend that's wise and loving. Maybe you imagine your ancestors. Or maybe you imagine a spiritual figure or perhaps a formless presence. Just sense some presence, some beingness, offering care. You sense what might be offered. Maybe there's an image, maybe it's light, maybe there's warmth.

I suggest putting your hand on your heart. and letting the offering of nurturing to that place of an unmet need be deepened with touch. Just a gentle touch to the heart. And you might sense what message, what reminder will be most helpful for the part that has been reactive? What are the words that might help that place feel more healing, more belonging, more trust, more safety, more ease. Let in the message, let in the energy, let in the care,

and sense the quality of presence that emerges. After the rain are the moments when you really sense the truth of who you are, which has more presence, more space, more kindness. And it's from this place you can, if there is another person involved, bring your attention to them and see more clearly who's there. You might be able to see their unmet needs. What might that person be needing? Is it affirmation in some way of their goodness, of their value, to feel safe or to feel cared for? What's their unmet need? And you might imagine and sense the possibility of offering some care to meet that,

unmet need, imagine them more healed. Imagine your shared presence. When both of you feel your unmet needs held with love and kindness, since the shared presence that's larger than who either of you are when identified separately. And I invite you to journal whatever you think will be helpful to remember both your unmet needs and also whatever message. you want to remember when you're actually needing to wake up from trance. So while some of you may be journaling, I'd like to share a little bit of some of the wisdom from Facebook and Instagram friends and also from a few others that shared with me through notes and emails, some of the self-reminders that I think are so valuable

and holding wisely these challenging situations. One person says, Just to ask herself, what would you do if you really loved yourself? What a powerful question. Another writes, whatever difficult feelings arise during the holidays are so natural, so human. And another to accept even more invite all feelings, not judging but accepting them all. Another says, watching out for the word should in my own thoughts. No one else should be anything. Everyone is on their own journey and their timeline of growth is not attached to my need

for them to be, act or think any certain way. Reminding myself of this when I get annoyed by other people's behavior, helps me let go of unreasonable expectations and lets them off the hook for my happiness. Let's them off the hook for my happiness. It's empowering. I try to remember the good that is at the heart of us all and to remember that we each possess human goodness and vulnerabilities, that everyone is just like me in their wish

for health, happiness, and safety. Everyone is just like me. I'm just okay with not being okay during these times and that has taken the pressure off and help me enjoy the holidays on my own with memories and deep appreciation. okay with not being okay. That's liberating. Dropping expectations and staying curious, being flexible with traditions, people, self-to-leave, room for the unexpected, welcoming change. One more. One person suggests asking themselves, what is this teaching me?

Okay, friends, so we've been talking about reminders because we need to be. need them to help interrupt trance. The key that even lets the reminders come through is what I often call the sacred art of pausing. Pause regularly. Physically pause. Just stop moving. Pause and breathe. Pause when you're speaking, you know. Pause your mind. Come back to your senses. It helps to create some in advance, create some sensory anchors that you can use to undo trance. You might set in advance that you put your hands together or just kind of bring them together and breathe. And that's your invitation back into presence. Some people, there's an image in their mind they bring up that helps them to come back home. Some people wear clothing, certain clothing like a scarf or shawl

that helps them to remember, be here. A piece of jewelry or an object. Anchor in the body, feel your body, your feet, your hands. So you can be at the dinner table and there's talk and you get triggered and in some way you know you have a message to remind yourself. You can take a few breaths. You can touch some beads or visualize a space, sacred space. You've got ways to come back.

And I invite you to master the mini rain, the light rain. It can be just literally 30 seconds where something comes up and you just recognize it. You name what's going on. Okay, angry, angry. This really hurts right now. One friend wrote that. Just name it. Let it be there.

Breathe with it and offer yourself some kindness. That's it. sense a larger presence, very, very powerful. So the last part of our reflection today is like to look at related activities during the holidays that can nourish spirit and really bring the heart alive. And again, I'm going to draw from Facebook and some friends who have shared many spoke to creating new rituals for themselves, talked about, many talked about, many talked about reflecting on expressing what they were grateful for. One person wrote, looking up at the sky and taking a

few deep breaths and saying, thank you, thank you, over and over. What a powerful practice. Many mentioned reaching out to help others, volunteering. I'll read from one person. I have a practice every year of doing something random and splendid for someone I don't know, sometimes several. Sometimes I go to a restaurant and I tip a server, a couple hundred dollars, or buy a few people their cart of groceries on Christmas Eve, or adopt a kid to buy clothes and toys for, or fill up a few people's cars at the gas station. It makes me feel the abundance and blessings in my life. It connects me to the gold inside me, sharing that abundance with others. This is if we have it to share, to share it. And this from someone who often spends the holidays alone. During the holiday season,

I try really hard to connect with people I love individually and tell them how much I love them in detail, outlining all the ways they make my life better. It helps to list out people. Because when I'm lonely, I think nobody loves me. But when I start making a list, putting it on paper, then it's like, oh, look at that. I mean, they wouldn't do that. if they didn't care about me, and then I don't feel as lonely. So I'd like to build on this one, this part of closing, that letting people know their goodness how it's just described, it heals our hearts and it touches them deeply as well. It's like Arn Gorborg, who I quote regularly says, to love someone is to learn the song in their

heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. And because we all go into trance, and in that trance we forget our goodness, we all need to be reminded. So becoming a mirror of goodness is the greatest gift you can give during these holy days. Okay, a story that has stayed with me for now decades. This takes place. Catholic nun shared this story. Small Catholic school she taught in. She got to know the students over the years and was very fond of one whose name was Mark. And he was very mischievous, totally respectful and fun, but mischievous. And she remembers one year in high school, his class had a difficult season with the new math. And towards the end of the season, they were all stuck in there. their insecurities and tense with each other. And at one point she had them put aside their studies

and they wrote a list of all the other students on paper. And she said, think of the nicest thing that they could say about that person and then they handed it in. And over the weekend she put the list, she grouped the list for each person and gave each student their list. So they were really surprised and touched and the mood shifted. They, you know, they were all saying, well, I didn't know that meant anything to anyone or I didn't know others like me so much. Anyway, these papers weren't mentioned again. Now, several years later, returning from a trip, this teacher's parents let her know the sad news that Mark had been killed in Vietnam. And she attended the funeral along with all his classmates. And at one point, Mark's father took her aside and he said,

we want to show you something. And then taking a wallet out of his pocket, they found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it. And opening the belford, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped and folded and refolded many times. And this teacher writes that she knew without looking that the papers were the ones where they listed all the good things, each of Mark's classmates in this case that said about him. Thank you so much for doing that Mark's mother said. As you can see, Mark treasured it. Mark's classmates started to gather around them and one smiled and said, I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home. Another said, Chuck asked me to put ours in our wedding album.

I have mine too, said another. It's in my diary. And then Vicky, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn, and phras. list to the group. I carry this with me all the time. I think it saved. I think we all saved our lists. And this teacher says that's when she finally could sit down and cry. Because the heart breaks open when we directly let in the goodness of other beings, when we let in the preciousness of life. You might make this a central holiday practice if you choose, if you want to experiment, that with whoever you encounter in some way to express what you appreciate about them. It's a beautiful practice.

You can do it. It's a stealth practice you can do. I think of Maya Angelou, that famous line, she said, I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. The story I shared about Mark, you could get the sense that part of what makes this remembrance of showing up with our hearts so precious is that we don't know how long we'll have.

I remember me at each family gathering with my parents getting older saying, I don't know how long I'll have them around. Please, may I show up with more presents, you know? And I still feel that with every gathering, with everybody I'm with actually. And we might feel that when we're alone or when we're on retreat, we don't know how many times we'll have this opportunity, this kind of intimacy with our inner life. This is sometimes described as death as an advisor by one shaman and author that these moments count, that we're not on our way somewhere else.

You know, one of the participants in our teacher training, our meditation teacher training, is a clinical psychologist, and his wife recently died after being diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. And this man, Sammy, said that his wife had always been an amazing packer. She had this brilliant capacity for fitting everything into whatever box they had. And after getting the diagnosis, they realized she had a very short, time and they both decided that this is the box life is giving them. And they intended to fit into that very short time just what most mattered, loving, really, not wasted on anything extra. And I think of it that way that these holy days are a limited time, life has a limited time.

And what if we dedicated to living these days as if they were our last and dedicated, to living with an open heart, not to plow through the days in a trance, but let them be a precious part of the fabric of our lives. So, a closing meditation, just these last few moments, if you will, if you'd like to let your attention go inward, if you'd like to extend the breath a little, a nice long, deep in breath, and a slow-out breath. long deep in breath and a slow out breath, feeling the breath at your heart. And again, sensing your intention. How do you want to feel after these holy days pass?

How do you want to have related to others? What do you want them to experience with you? How do you want to relate to your inner life through this? a moment to imagine your aspiration manifesting, holding your inner life with love, with acceptance, without an expectation or demand that you be a certain way. Unconditional presence. Imagine manifesting with others. People will forget what you said, forget what you did, but people will never forget how you may them feel. And maybe together we can wide in the circles. And since all of those beings around the globe, those alone through these holy days, those with others, all with the natural needs

to feel belonging, safety, love, feeling all the non-human beings, their innate value, preciousness, part of this living web, holding the earth, our mother in our hearts, all beings in our hearts. And sensing this vast heart space where everything that is is welcome. As we close, I invite you to listen to some very sweet lyrics offered to us from my friend musician, Len Seligman. Thank you, friends, and wishing each of you, all blessings, wishing you that your hearts and your being be filled with love, held in love, expressing the love that is your deepest

nature. Namaste. Vengeance is the path of a fool love.