Tara Brach - Remembering Our Belonging, Part 1 (2020-12-02)

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Remembering Our Belonging, Part 1 (2020-12-02) - Our deepest suffering comes from feelings of separation, and as a species, our great task is realizing our belonging—to our bodies and hearts, to each other, to the living web of all beings, to formless loving awareness. These two talks explore how healing and true belonging become possible as we deepen our capacity to face truth - within ourselves and with each other - and hold that truth with compassion.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste and welcome. Most weeks as I approach doing our Wednesday class, I kind of reflect on what's really most alive to me and what feels most alive in the world. And the word that keeps arising and this is new is belonging. Many of you know John O'Donohue who's passed away is a poet, mystic, and he writes that our life's journey is the task of refining our belonging so that it may become more true, loving, good, and free. Refining our belonging. We might expand that to say that it's our species journey to refine our belonging to realize our interconnectedness with

all of life. So I've always loved the word belonging. It's a heart word and it kind of conveys to be truly at home. And it starts, belonging starts with being at home in the aliveness that's right here. We really can't belong to anything else if we don't feel belonging and inhabiting and filling our own bodies and hearts. And even as I begin to speak about it tonight, we might pause for a moment just to attune some. You might close your eyes. And just with some curiosity, just to sense, well, how do I experience belonging? This is to sense, sense what it means to you. And just sense, am I alive right here, feeling belonging to this changing flow of sensations and energy in this body? Do you feel belonging to the life in your

body right now? Just check it out. Are you at home with the life of your body? And do you feel at home with whatever emotions are here, connected and open to the changing flow of moods and emotions? Are you belonging to your emotional life? And do you feel at home and belonging with others in your life? If you bring to mind, start with those who are easier, is there a sense of belonging, of that togetherness, that intimacy of understanding and connectedness? Is there a feeling of at home, belonging? And can you imagine or sense what it would be? like to feel belonging with all beings, with all expressions of life, all life forms, belonging with this living earth, truly a part of, connected to this living earth.

Can you sense what it means to have belonging to spirit, belonging to the awareness, the formless dimension? What might some may call the sacred that animates life, belonging to that. made of that. So you can open your eyes. So we'll explore this. We're going to explore this tonight and next week. And for some of you as I spoke you might have sensed a bit into, well, this is what belonging

means to me. Or maybe some of you noticed how you don't feel belonging. And I want to say that's equally valuable in this inquiry and you're not alone. You know, we often feel cut off from belonging, from living connection. In fact, there wouldn't be suffering on the planet if there wasn't a sense of being cut off. Our most basic conditioning, this is our most basic conditioning, is to perceive separation, and with that there's fear. It's said that the primal mood of the separate self is fear.

And so we perceive separation, we feel fear, and with that there's some level of dissociation from the place that fear feels raw, which is the body and the heart. And of course others become either somebody that can help us feel more safe and there can be some grasping or someone that feels dangerous so we easily feel afraid of others, not belonging. So I'm bringing this up because severed belonging, the sense of being cut off, is pervasive. It's part of our human conditioning and yet there is a pathway to belonging. And it's important to know that we're talking about this and exploring this at times that

severed belonging is most exacerbated. Like here we are in this pandemic globally and we humans are social. creatures and yet we're being cut off and there's an epidemic of loneliness, there's anxiety, and of course heightened social dividedness, and we all know it with a racial caste system, with political parties being so polarized. So there's mistrust, suffered belonging. So I bring this up because when it's like that, we suffer physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And the big inquiry is, so what's the pathway? back. So some of you might know about this that in the early 1900s, many infants wasted away

and died in hospitals and institutions for unknown reasons. And often on the admissions cards of these really seriously sick infants, their condition we described as hopeless. Well, there was a famous physician, his name was Dr. Fritz Talbot. And he had unusual success with these children, diagnosing and treating them. And after examining one of these infants, Dr. Talbot would write on a child's chart with his little scrawl. And within days, the child would miraculously begin to gain color and eat more food and move around with more ease and vitality. So one time a station nurse asked him about the diagnosis and the prescription. And some others were kind of interviewing her and she said, and this is what she said, oh, the diagnosis and prescription,

well, she pointed to the corner of the nursery and there was this matronly woman rocking a child in her arms. It's old Anna. When nothing works, he has the child spend time with old Anna. This story has always struck me because we listen and we say, well, of course, infants need nurturing. It's we know that. We know that children can't grow or thrive without caring. touch, that they have to be in relationship with attentive caregivers. But we forget that it's really true for all of us and through our life that our well-being, really, our well-being is linked to a sense of some way being held by our belonging to or a part of the larger benevolence in this world that we fit in, that we are connected, all of us.

I often quote that evolutionary psychologist Kozalino who said, it's not survival of the fittest, it's survival of the nurtured. And we need to feel it. We need to trust our belonging. As social species, we are hardwired to want to belong. Just as much as we're conditioned to feel separate, we're hardwired to want to belong because not belonging meant death. So it's in our DNA.

So again, John O'Donoghue, he says, everyone longs for intimacy and dreams of a nest of belonging in which one is embraced, seen, and loved. Something within each of us cries out for belonging. We can have all the world has to offer in terms of status, achievement, and possessions, yet without a sense of belonging, it all seems empty, pointless. So here we are more aware than ever of the lack of belonging in our society and for many in our personal lives. And if there's belonging, it's often of the type that's exclusive, that's narrow, you know, to an in-group or to a part of the population that's most like us.

We hang out with people who are similar to us. This has been researched like crazy. Belonging to a political party. belonging to a racial or religious group, a socioeconomic class. But substitute belongings actually block the experience of true belonging. So this is the domain we're looking at, that the pain of separation of severed belongings, the core of suffering. It expresses as loneliness, our fear, our shame, our numbness, depression,

behaviorally, it comes out as addictions or violence or dominating and controlling or withdrawing. So the crucial inquiry is how do we refine and enlarge our belonging? So it becomes more true, good, loving, and free. And by way of beginning to address that, I'd like to share a teaching from someone I very much admire Michael Mead, who's a renowned storyteller. He talks about a healing ritual in Zambia, and I've always been struck by this. I included it actually in radical acceptance. He says in Zambia there's a ritual about a tooth. When someone in the village is sick or disturbed, they imagine that it's caused by an ancestor's tooth that's gotten inside that person. And the person's sickness affects everybody in the village because they're

connected with one another, so they make a ritual to get this tooth, this sickness, out of the person. But the tooth won't come out until the truth comes out. And the sickness includes all of the hatreds and conflicts everybody feels in the village. So the sick person has to express what's really troubling them. And it's usually not very noble, you know, it's jealousy or rage or a dark human passion, but the tooth won't come out of the sick person until all the troubled feelings come out of everybody else in the village. So this release happens only when everything comes out in the midst of dancing and singing and drumming. And the whole village gets cleansed by the release of the tooth through the release of these difficult truths. So that's packed. I mean,

there's a lot in that. We don't have to take everything literally. to get the deep wisdom in it, that this pathway of healing presumes the truth that we belong to each other, that's the truth, and that when they're suffering, when one or more of us has disconnected from that truth, that we have pathways of connecting with what's real, holding it with kindness and arriving again. You know, there's a word Ubuntu and it's an African understanding that I am because you are, you are because I am. There's this interconnection that we're not alone in it.

And that's at the depth of every spiritual path really. And it's how we live in the world. We live off the breath of plants and plants off our exhalations. So I am because you are. are because I am. Okay, so the starting place in this tribe is when there's severed belonging, the member of the tribe is not blamed or isolated. Suffering is considered a shared experience. It's part of the human conditioning. And in contrast, think of our society, which is a society built on individualism, which is

true for white dominant cultures. We're very individualistic. and suffering is seen as a personal problem and healing as a personal endeavor for the most part. And it's interesting to note that in our type of societies and particularly in the United States that this attitude, suffering's a personal problem, healing is a personal endeavor, has led to the highest incarceration rates in the world. We're punitive in responding to suffering. In contrast, indigenous cultures, whereas more collective kind of an understanding and Buddhism, the recognition is that our suffering arises in this interdependent field of relationship.

And so it leads to this really wise understanding that suffering is not personal. In other words, it's not caused by you or owned by you. It arises from past conditioning. This is where we get the ancestors' tooth. And what does that mean? Well, it arises from the conditioning we experience from probably generations in our families, caregivers, and also from our society.

And the ancestors' tooth comes in forms of installed beliefs. You have beliefs if you're suffering that are causing pain, that in some way were embedded in you because of caregivers or culture. It's the ancestors' tooth comes in the form of emotions and behaviors. I remember my first retreat, my first Buddhist retreat, and I went there struggling with all the stuff of guilt and unworthiness and striving and grasping and dealing with, you know,

compulsive eating and this and that, all sorts of stuff. And I remember, whether it was the first or second talk, it was about duca, which is suffering, and how clearly the teacher conveyed that it's universal. Everybody has their particular versions, but we all have it. Every one of us is conditioned to feel separate and to feel fear. And out of that, all the different flavors of suffering. And I remember feeling relieved because in some way, and I'm sure you can relate to this, the different ways my suffering came through all in some way reflected or meant to me that something was

wrong with me. And have you noticed that when we're suffering we tend to feel it means that we're in some way bad? So this is the wisdom of the ancestors too, that our suffering, it affects each other. Whatever's going on with us, you know, when we're suffering, it's contagious. I mean, can you feel happy if your partner is depressed? You know, it really affects our moods. We're inter-influencing.

Or can you enjoy plenty if you have a neighbor and you're just seeing how they're starving? Or maybe you haven't gotten COVID, but doesn't your nervous system? still feel this, you know, horror and pain at how many are struggling, how many have lost dear ones? So there's a wisdom to this, and we're going to look at it in our own lives that we take suffering personally. And when we can begin to get a little space around that and get, wait a minute, this isn't personal. Others feel this too. There's a more capacity to then relate to the suffering in a way that frees us. Okay, let's check in a little, because I've been talking a bit, and I would like you to,

I like to ground it with experience. So take a moment to if you need to adjust how you're sitting and close your eyes, and let's just take a brief reflection. And for any of these reflections, if you start in with curiosity, it will bear fruit. So be curious. We're going to try on the kind of wisdom or perspective of the Zambian ritual. So take a moment and sense where you might be experiencing some emotional suffering in recent days. Just scan your life and it may be that there's some addictive behavior that you feel trapped in.

It may be due to anger, jealousy, maybe hurt, some conflict, hatred, blame. Maybe you feel like you've caused harm with your behaviors. So whatever version of suffering, notice how it creates some separation. Just be aware of suffering in some way severs belonging. that when you're in it, when you're feeling that anxiety or anger or blame or addictiveness, there's a real sense of separateness. Just notice that and notice how you feel about yourself. Typically we don't like ourselves.

And now opening your attention to take in the possibility of this wisdom of the ancestor's tooth, that whatever is coming up in you, whatever emotional reaction you're in or whatever behavior that comes out of that emotion, that this has been conditioned, that the beliefs and feelings are conditioned from the past, that they were set in motion through the ways that you related to your caregivers or they related to you, or perhaps others that had a strong influence on you early on, that it's not your fault. You don't own these emotions and beliefs and reactions. The poet A.R. Amun says, has a line, The Wynn said, you know, I'm the result of conditions beyond my control.

Well, there's a truth. You didn't come into this world and sign up for a particular kind of set of feelings and emotions and so on, this all came from the past. It didn't start with you. And you might reflect also, I'm not alone. Others feel this too. That the forces of conditioning that affect you also affect others, the societal ones and even the shape of the ones with your caregivers. So it's not my fault.

I'm not alone." And notice what happens. Just notice. Notice if there's a bit more space, more presence. For some, this wisdom resonates. There's something that's already waking up in this direction and it's already you're going to becoming more impacted by it and it's waking you up and for others it may seem more abstract. It doesn't land. In fact, you can open your eyes if you haven't already.

Some people hear this kind of story of the ancestor's tooth and there's a kind of inner cynic that says, okay, well that's real handy. I lose it and I lash out at my kids and hey, no problem, it's the ancestor's tooth, you know, and who needs to be accountable? You might be wondering about that. So, but just to note that that perspective, of self. This is a kind of self-oriented perspective. This is my anger. It's my fault. I don't deserve forgiveness. It's very much part of our Western individualistic culture. And we'll discuss being responsible. But for now, I just want to name that we have a very deep conditioning to take it personally and make ourselves wrong. Very deep conditioning. And it gets in the way of

healing. Some of you might know that the story when Western teachers first met with the Dalai Lama, they told him how we were also filled with self-judgment and self-hate and how much we, you know, hated our imperfections and so on. And he couldn't understand it. He kept saying, but we all have Buddha nature, you know. He asked them to explain it to them. And they spent many hours the teachers did saying, we get stuck in this. Well, it's clear now the disjunct between the cultures that our culture is very self-focused. I mean, we talk about, the Buddhists talk about no self and really awakening to that freedom from being organized around a separate self. And when we talk about it, we talk about self-realization, like there's this separate self

that's getting somewhere on the path. Very different feeling. What happens in this self-focused society of ours is that we fixate on imperfections and we own them. There's anger here. I'm bad for the anger. There's shame here. I'm bad for the shame. There's fear. I'm bad for the fear. So in societies that aren't so self-focused, There's more possibility of not being anxious about imperfection. We're very anxious about our imperfection. Okay, a bit of a story for you. One man who I worked with some years back, his temper,

was really destroying his family and his relationships, and he hated himself for his temper. And he blamed himself. And at one point I suggested there was a possible that we can begin to observe the pattern of what happens, but can you observe it with some kindness? Well, he was appalled, I would suggest it. He said, I'm a monster. I don't deserve a tad of kindness. So, you know, of course, I asked him, you know, how has hating and blaming yourself for your anger improved things for you? You know, has it helped? And of course, his wise self knew it didn't.

But I remember the day that I looked him in the eye and I quietly said, you know, as I said to you earlier, it's not like you signed up for being this way, Sam. It's not your fault. And he broke down weeping. And that was when he shifted and started to be able to deepen his attention. That's when he started getting memories of. of his father being utterly out of control. When he was 12 years old, remembering being in the kitchen and his father, throwing glasses and shattering them and shaking his mother in rage because he felt like she had demeaned him. And then his huge remorse, this is the ancestors' tooth of generational rage, of, in this circumstance, male impotency and aggression and domination. and he said to me it's clear he couldn't help himself. He was just out of control and I can't help it either.

So as I said, this was actually the beginning of him becoming responsible, being able to respond. Because this is when he could start, when he stopped blaming himself, he could start deepening his attention, increasing mindfulness, kindness, really, working with the roots of the anger, which were huge insecurity and lack of worth. And it allowed him over time to begin to have more space and choice when the anger would come up to not play it out. So I want to say it once again that letting go of this idea that it's my fault actually frees us to then do the healing that allows us to live the way we want to align with our hearts. Self-blame and shame shut down our learning centers. We can't grow. So when we get hijacked,

we have to find her way out and the beginning of it is knowing that self-blame doesn't help and also remembering others feel this too. And as a I mentioned, we're not saying it's not my fault to, in any way, turn a blind eye to where we're causing harm. And when we're helping each other and you're talking to a friend, you say, it's not your fault, it's not a way that you want them to ignore wrongdoing. You know, I think of, some of you might remember this story of Franklin Roosevelt. He complained that guests at the White House were never really listening to what he was saying. So he decided to do an experiment on a reception. And when each guest arrived, they'd shake the president's hand

and he'd smile politely and say pleasantly, I murdered my grandmother this morning. And as he anticipated, most guests responded with comments like, marvelous, keep up the good work, we're proud of you, sir. you know, at the end of the receiving line, he greeted the ambassador from Bolivia and he actually listened to what Rosevelt was saying and the ambassador leaned over and whispered, I'm sure she had it coming. So, as you can see, we're not trying to accommodate our, you know, turn a blind eye. here's the thing. You can't change harmful actions from your past, but you can cede your future by changing how you pay attention right here and now, by learning how to face the vulnerability that's

underneath the behavior with kindness. And so that's what happened with Sam. When he stopped blaming himself, he could do that healing. So we're going to turn to, okay, so, how do we, when we're hijacked, find our way back to belonging? And what we learn from the tribe is really the same practice that we've been doing together here. Expressing truths means to investigate, contact, name, be with the truth that's right inside us, the vulnerability, and being able to then hold it with kindness that nurture. begins to free us up. So in our lives, there are many, you know, different triggers that we encounter and many times that we have to do that inner process. But as we'll see, we also need to

learn to do it with others. So I want to give you an example from my own life of where I kind of had to learn that lesson. And it involves an ancestor's tooth. So I'm going to show you share that and hopefully it'll give you a sense of the pathway. So some of you that are on the older end will remember Twiggy who burst forth as a model, the super skinny model, the finding fashion for females in the 60s. And my medium weight mother was always admiring slim women. and I started drinking carnation slender for breakfast. I don't even know if it's still around, but strawberry and chocolate, carnation slender for breakfast at around age 13.

I forgot about that until somewhat recently and thought, oh my gosh, 13 years old. And then ages 16 to 19, I was very, very caught in binging and restricting my eating, and I was addicted to food. and about 30 pounds over my desired weight and fighting desperately for a thinner body. And my mother got in on the act and she got me diet pills when I was in college, which is basically speed, which I used. And I don't know how I got off of it, but I did somehow.

My eating did start becoming less compulsive and I did lose weight. But for a good number of years, I live with huge, shame and fear whenever I crossed some invisible line and felt heavy. And both my ways of eating and this huge fixation on an imperfect body caused suffering. I mean, they disconnected me from belonging to my body. It was not a way to just be intimate with the life that's right here. It was always, always filtered by what's wrong. And being, it severed belonging to the present moment. It made me self-conscious with others and separate from life.

This was a trance of not okay. So just to explain how the healing happened, at first it was an inner process. I had moved into a spiritual community after college and learned how to quiet my mind and over time how to open to emotional pain and hold it with compassion. And I had to do it countless rounds, the elements you know in rain, where I would feel the vulnerability, whether it was shame or self-judgment or fear about my body or self-consciousness, whatever it was, I would recognize it, allow it, investigate, find it in my body.

And I can say honestly, my hand on my heart, many, many rounds, some message of kindness, whether it's I'm sorry and I love you or trust your goodness or it's okay sweetheart just different messages and so sometimes when I needed to I'd call on some larger sense of belonging some sense of sacredness and love in the universe to to hold me and what happened is it was countless rounds probably hundreds of thousands of rounds of as they say in the tribes, you know, just expressing those truths and holding them. And each, after each round, to some degree, and I call this after the rain, there would be a shift in identity. And rather than being the, you know, a shame self or fearful self or whatever it was,

I'd be resting in a tenderness and a spaciousness that really felt like home. There would be a sense belonging. And so over time, that helped me to be more and more, and I was doing a lot of yoga, so I was really learning how to just keep coming home and belonging to my body and belonging to awareness. And what was equally necessary was doing that same process in a parallel way with other people. And that came next for me. It wasn't, my first entry is always inner. But I have to say that a close friend from high school, who's still very, very close, struggled in a similar way. So every time we would compare notes, something in me would go, I'm not alone. And so many others over the years, whether I was in the role of leading therapy groups or working individually

with people or in meditation interviews or with other friends or other teachers, it finally got through that this was not my personal suffering. It just was not my personal suffering. You know, it felt so personal. And I don't know how to better express it, but the ancestor's tooth was so clear that through the history of patriarchal societies, women have been. enslaved by ideas of what they should look and be like to appeal to men. And our sense of value has been hitched to attractiveness according to certain standards and often unreachable and unhealthy

standards. I'm so struck that research shows anxiety about not meeting the standard starts so young that 92% of teen girls don't like how they look and want to be different. Body weights most common what they don't like, and 60%, 60% of teens are so concerned it affects what they're willing to do in daily life, whether it's swimming or playing sports or visiting a doctor or going to social events or even school, speaking up in group situations. Think of that. Six of 10 teen girls. I think of my granddaughters, of all of our children. So this is this. This is deeply disturbing and sad, this ancestor's truth of male dominance and females out of fear and shame not trusting and valuing our innate goodness.

So if we're to have deeper species belonging, if we're to refine our belonging, we need to step out of diamond's hierarchies. And I'm naming one, which is the gender one, they'll be more on race next week. Okay, so my point is that I needed to do the inner healing and I needed to connect with other women so it would be clear, it's not personal, it's not my fault. So here I am, I'm 67, I still see some of the old thought patterns, but the difference is that my identity is not hooked in on them. The ancestor's tooth makes it so it's really not personal. This sharing reminded me of social activist Fran Peavy. She was walking on a Stanford

University campus one day, and she happened upon a group of people who were carrying video equipment, and they were crowded around a male chimp who was running loose and a female chimp was on a long chain. And the chimpanzees had apparently been part of a research project, but the scientists and the spectators were mostly trying to get them to mate. And the male didn't need encouragement. He was grunting and tugging at the smaller chimps chain. But she was whimpering and trying to avoid his advances. And she's the one on a chain.

And this feeling of empathy swept through Fran. And something happened and she wrote about it that she'll never forget. She says, suddenly the female chimp yanked her chain out of the male's grasp and to my amazement, she walked through the crowd straight over to me and took my hand. Then she led me across the circle to the only other two women in the crowd, and she joined hands with one of them. The three of us stood together in a circle. I remember the feeling of that rough palm against mine. The little chimp had recognized us and reached out across all the years of evolution to form her own support group.

Adrian Rich writes, honorable human relationships, that is where people have the right to use the word love, is a process of deepening the truth they can tell each other. It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. So friends, I've spent some time giving one example of severed belonging and a wound, my particular. story, but whatever your struggle is, whether it's addiction or anger, whether it's anxiety, whether it's dominating and controlling or defending or judging, whatever it is, there is is such power to seeing that it's conditioning. It's not your fault and others experience this too. And if you can remember that, and if you can remember that and do the

relating to the inner life as we've talked about, just naming it, holding it, relating with each other, there is a powerful freedom. Now, some of you will be listening and thinking, well, it sounds really good to be talking to other people and getting it that we're in it together, but what about if I'm really isolated? And I want to speak to that because when we feel severed belonging, we create more isolated societal life. And right now is a time that for many, many people, it's exacerbated. But I also want to say there's increasing opportunities online and live if that's our intention. If our intention is to deepen the truths, we tell each other. I'm seeing this, you know, it's been for years, of course, in 12-step

groups that work on addictions. In spiritual communities, we have what are called spiritual friends groups. You can find more about that on our website. Affinity groups serve that in a beautiful way around race or sexual orientation. There are more and more interactive meditation courses where there's sharing and there's deep sharing that remind us that we're in it together. Meditation mentoring groups. On Saturdays I leave. what's called satsung and people tell me how much, whether they're speaking and asking questions or holding a space, it reminds them that it's not so personal. I'll give you an example, just this Saturday, one person shared her son had died and had to face the holidays in a future

without a loved one. And another about a relationship breakup and the rejection and the feelings of heartbreak around that. And another described being from a culture that's very rigid in terms of male-female rules of interaction, how he was ashamed for behaviors that made others feel unsafe. And there was something for each of them and for all of us about hearing and the naming of truths that all have ancestors' dues to them. naming of the truths and being held in a space that's so kind and so caring. It reconnects us to belonging.

So tonight we have stayed with our focus of, It's Not My Fault, Others experience this too, and then nurturing both inner nurture and with each other. And we'll expand this next week to how do we widen the circles of compassion and belonging. But I'd like to offer a closing reflection and then invite your questions. So you might just move around a bit and then come sitting still for this final reflection. And we'll begin by reviewing what we did earlier, which is to choose a place where you're caught in some reactivity that ends up feeling like suffering.

And again, suffering has degrees, but where you in some way get caught and reacting and feeling hurt or afraid or angry, perhaps you feel like your behavior is out of line, is causing harm, perhaps you are believing when this is happening that something's wrong with you, that you're judging yourself for it. So you might sense where there is some area like that, where you're you're doing that, where you feel like you're caught in suffering and you feel more separate. What's hard to forgive, hard to accept? And as we begin this reflection together,

you might consider something that Marianne Williamson recommends that I think is really valuable, which is to ask yourself and sense, am I willing to see my relationship with this suffering differently right now? just sense if you're willing to kind of open your perspective. And then remind yourself of the situation when you get stuck, where you feel hijacked, when you feel caught in fear, anger, when you act out an addiction. And you might just sense, well, what is stopping you from stepping out of that?

what's really going on? What's really driving it? If you couldn't stain your anger, what's under there? What's keeping it fueled? Or if you couldn't play out the addiction? And just sense the most vulnerable place underneath whatever you're judging, the fear, the vulnerability that's really keeping you hooked in that. You might for a moment just widened. your perspective as if you could witness yourself from the view of a loving being like a loving grandmother or spiritual figure and just see yourself stuck and see the vulnerability that's there that there's some deep place you're trying to protect or defend and you might even sense intuitively how the past has conditioned you. You might just intuitively sense some way that you've

been hurt, not attended to, unsafe, not good attachment with caregivers, you might sense the messages of the society that have shaped you. You don't have to go into it far and you certainly don't have to think it out. Just see if it's intuitive. What from the past might have shaped your reactivity. There just might be an image that comes to mind or some understanding. Either way, from the perspective of the wisest, kindness, witness, to see yourself stuck, to see the vulnerability that's underneath, to sense that it's conditioned, and to just mentally whisper, it's not your fault. Tell yourself the truth. and tell yourself again, knowing that if you can release the blame, you'll have more capacity

to transform, naming the pain, feeling the vulnerability, acknowledging it, the fear, the hurt, and then I'm not alone. Others feel this too, and invite you to put your hand on your heart. and just sense that there really are others right here, right now, in the field, contacting the vulnerabilities that have been conditioned into their body minds just as you are. Just call on a larger belonging, this awake heart, this field that's here of an awakened heart mind. And if you have a spiritual figure that's resonant for you or somebody in your life that you know, season loves you, you can call on their energy too. Just call on a loving presence that can

then bring some care to that vulnerable place. So you're bringing our spiritual heart space to your human heart right now. You're bringing our spiritual heart space to your human heart. I'm just noticing sense of presence that's here. Noticing the shared awake heart space that's here and you might sense how it's including all of us. And if in the distant background you hear drumming, chanting, and a sense of dancing, others too really are opening to the vulnerability of their conditioning. And this is the hope that together we can awaken. Together we can hold our humanness with great heart. As you're ready, take a few full breaths and open your eyes. And we'll take about 15 minutes.

minutes now, we're going to go over by a few minutes past nine to hear what kind of questions and inquiries there are and to know that you can really support whoever's speaking with your heart and presence. It's a beautiful process. Our first question is from Tiffany. Tiffany asks, how do you listen without judgment and how to control your emotions, fears that may emerge while the other person is expressing in a vulnerable manner. Hi, Tiffany. Hi, Tara. Oh, my goodness.

I'm talking to you. Oh, and I'm talking to you. Really fast. In my head, you're like one of my girls. So me and my girls, we say, our joke is, did you listen to our girl today? You know, that's like our inner joke. Well, I'm honored. Thank you so much.

And also just for touching on issues that particularly have to do with vulnerable, disadvantaged populations, I like that you often speak about black culture and what's impacting us. And it means a lot to me that you know what you know. So that's it. My question is pretty personal. But I just want to, I want to know how. to listen without passing judgment. And for me, it's difficult because I am a clinician, and I have this issue in my personal intimate relationship currently, which is kind of new.

And this person has shared some things with me about his ex-spouse. And I just can tell there's a whole lot of resentment. He's made some very nasty comments that as he was speaking, I felt myself feeling like, oh, is this who this person is? But on the other hand, I can hear the pain and still have the compassion. So I want to find a way to be compassionate and be present, but not judge what he's saying. So here's what I'm hearing a bit is that you might be useful to consider the difference between judging and wise discernment.

you may be picking up something that's valuable. Now that doesn't mean that you discard him, discount him, and close your heart. But you may be picking up that he's got some unprocessed stuff that needs attention. So maybe what you can do is just name that. Okay, noticing this, noticing this, and feel what your body does. like there's a lot of times when people are being vulnerable you know especially family and close people because you know I'm much better with people that are you know a little bit that don't know as well but you know they'll be vulnerable but I'll be having a judgment and I just

saw and it's got a mix of you know the narrowness of judgment which is aversiveness but it also has something I'm recognizing so I think that there's some intelligence that you need to honor and what you're noticing. But just put a little frame around it and say, okay, well, there's some judging and there's some wise discerning, and let's just know that. And I actually literally put a frame around it in your mind, and then just say, okay, let's listen again, come back.

And you can trust that what you need to remember that might be important will still be there. Yes, yes. But don't fight the judgment, is what I'm saying. Okay. Does that make sense? No, it does, because that was my initial instinct, was perhaps this is something valuable that I shouldn't necessarily dismiss.

But when there's all these other great things, I'm sorry, my dog is being crazy now. You don't want to the next person, but thank you. I've got a dog that keeps doing that test. So I'm right there with you. And the fact that you see unprocessed stuff in somebody doesn't mean he's bad and that you have to write him off. Just notice is that. That it's okay, there may be something there to come back to when he's less vulnerable that he might be able to pay attention to.

Really lovely to connect, Tiffany. Be well. Our next question is from Bronson. And please forgive me if I'm saying your name incorrectly. How do you deal with the fear of waiting for medical results? Welcome, dearie. I didn't know my hair. Very nice. So I heard your question. Are you, is this currently what's going on for you? You're waiting? Not me, but my husband. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty scary. It is scary. You know, what my sense is for all of us is that there's times that we can't avoid just facing the rawness that the fear is here. And if it feels really overwhelming, if it leads

to panic or if we feel traumatized by it, then there's some ways that we can redirect our attention. you know if your husband's if it's if it's really shaking up that kind of trauma then you can you know watch more movies or listen to music or make a good meal or get out for a walk or you know that kind of thing but ultimately we can't really sidestep our fear of death you know our fear of loss we can't and so what we can do is be very tender and real about it if two people can name it together, it actually creates more safety. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, thank you so much. You really saved me in many moments in my life. And I guess you save a lot of people through your talks. Well, I'm so glad you're feeling a part of this. Yeah. Thank you, dear. And take good care and many prayers and blessings for your husband.

Thank you so much. Yeah. Okay. Our next question is from Ming Sienbe. I am so sorry for saying that incorrectly. And the question is, is on the topic of gender lines. I come from a culture that focuses on marriage being end all, be all for women. As an American-born Indian, I have had to fight that deep conditioning my entire life, but it is at a very deep tooth.

I can often get through the voices telling me that my worth depends on marriage. But how do I rationalize the fact that there is a biological clock for those of us who do want family? And is it biased against women? Hi, Tara. Hey there. Lovely. Yeah. I'm a rock star.

You have, you know, I don't know what to say other than you have been a part of my life at the most vulnerable, most intimate moments. And so I thank you from the bottom of my heart, truly. And I'm a physician, and being someone who provides a lot of support, you have been that support for me. So I thank you so much. Thank you for naming it. And I'm touched.

Thank you. Yeah. So, dear, I want to make sure I'm saying your name right. So do you mind? I'm sorry. I didn't rename. My name is Mumtha. Mamta. Yes, Mamta.

Lovely. So let me hear a little bit more. Is the part of what's going on that you actually do want a family and feel like you're feeling the squeeze of the biological clock? Is that part of it? Right. I mean, I guess again, again, coming from a culture where that's just been inculcated that that's what you got to do, first of all, it's hard to tease out what is your, yours and what is someone else's. I've worked a lot on that. But even beyond the fact of like, okay, fine, marriage, maybe not, you know, the end-all be-all, but for those of us who do want children, it is a very real feeling that there's, you know, there's a bit of unfairness of there is kind of a limit for women that, and I'm not saying across the board, but it's not so kind of delineated from men. So I just wanted to hear your thoughts on that, because it's not so theoretical. It's not so abstract. It actually feels very real. Yeah. Well, I'm curious if you

share a little bit what you have discovered in having to face this. Like, what has helped you to hold it in a way that gives you a little more space and ease thus far? I don't know if this is answering your question, but a little bit more is that I definitely want to pay attention to my intention. I don't want to rush into relationship or marriage simply because I'm stressed out about the fact that I, if I want to have children, I need to procreate like yesterday, right? So that's another thing. I think intention has played in my mind so much that that's one of the things I always come back to, but I don't want that to debilitate action either, if that makes Okay, so I'm hearing, and the reason I asked you is I actually trust your wisdom and

intelligence on this, and it makes it more personal. And what I'm picking up is that in order to step out of the delusion of the societal conditioning, because it's a huge, oppressive trance we get put in, it takes a deep attention to what your heart really longs for. A really deep attention. It takes a profound commitment to really say what matters. And it's a practice. In the Buddhist tradition, reflecting on aspiration is a practice. Like, what really matters in terms of my whole life, if I only had a few moments to live, what would matter right, this moment? And over time, if I was at the end of my life, looking back what would matter. And you might find, well, what matters is love, but it doesn't have to

be love in that particular package, although that would be nice. You might find something like that. But it's really important for it to come out of you in a very pure, authentic way. So that's your path right now, and it's a harder path when you have very heavy-handed cultural conditioning. Yes. Yes, you're absolutely right. Yeah. Now, what skews things is when we toss in this pesky biological clock thing. And there's not a, it's like saying that's, this is nature. We can't, you know, this is just the nature of things.

You can't control that one, but where you do have agency is aligning with the purity of what your aspiration is. It doesn't mean it'll come true in a certain package. It just means that the essence of it will keep on guiding you. I can tell you, understand. Yes, I do. That makes perfect sense. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm really glad you asked the question. And because this is really for all of us, because I talked a lot about Ancester's Tooth, and you've just named one version of it, the conditioning that can really make us small. And to get out of that conditioning, we have to really keep on, every day reconnecting with that deep inquiry about what matters.

Yeah. Thank you, Tara. Many blessings, dear. Yeah. Yeah. So I love your questions. And thank you, Shannon, for bringing a few people on. Those of you that are with us and have more questions invite you to join us

again on Saturday. We do it every Saturday and then once a month we'll be doing this as part of the Wednesday night. But I'd like to end briefly by first of all inviting you to go on gallery view. So if you aren't ready to shift from from speaker view to gallery view. And I want to just read you something a very dear friend of mine, Dana Falls wrote to begin. So you might just be in listening mode. She writes everything, every little thing is unique at its surface and indistinguishable at its core. Everything, everything, every little thing is unique at its surface and indistinguishable at its core. I want to remember this today, the oneness, the oneness underlying our differences and the truth that we can never really be strangers even if we never laid eyes on each other before.

We can never really be strangers, even if we never laid eyes on each other before. And with that, to take some moments to take in these fellow travelers, oh beautiful beings, I'm getting to do it too, and I love it. Yeah, just to take each other in and sense, you know, all these different surfaces. And it matters. We cause huge violence because of the surfaces, and we can learn to feel that sacred essence. So just taking each other in. You might pick a couple of people just randomly and just send your goodwill,

your good wishes. Just let it flow from your heart to theirs. And I'm doing the same. And then if you'd like, you unmute yourself. Feel free to send your blessings and wave or bow or whatever you'd like to do. Thank you. Tara, thanks everybody. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Wonderful. Love you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. It's of love.

For more talks and meditations, and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.