Tara Brach - Short Talk and Guided Heart Meditation - Releasing Blame (retreat)

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

This meditation explores the meaning of forgiveness and its role in healing and transformation. We then are guided in a forgiveness practice that helps us release the armoring of blame, and inhabit an inclusive and open heart (from the 2019 Fall IMCW 7-day Silent Retreat).

The following meditation is led by Tara Brock. To access more of my meditations or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com. Welcome here, my friends, for the afternoon heart meditation. And it's a pleasure to be with you. We're going to be exploring really how to release the armoring around the heart, sometimes called forgiveness, sometimes called compassion. found that for some people the word forgiveness just has not great connotations, so you really can go in any direction you want.

But the underlying understanding is that for our hearts to be free to love fully, there's a letting go of what we've been carrying, what we've been hardening against, that's just a natural organic part of the process. And for each of us it has its own pace. So one of the most important principles as we approach letting go of armoring is being incredibly forgiving, understanding, accepting on how we might not be able to. You know what I mean? We just can't will it.

You can be willing, but you can't will it. I'll be inviting each of you to share, not to share out loud, but to scan really and sense where right now in my life and my relationships, is there a place? I feel ready to explore more fully a kind of letting go. Where am I carrying resentment or blame? And I'd like to not necessarily let it go all the way, but begin to move in that direction, have the intention. Speak a little bit about the process and then we'll step into it.

James Baldwin, one of the most well-known quotes is, I imagine that. that one of the reasons that people cling to their hate and prejudice so stubbornly is because they sense that once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with their own pain. And this, in a way, points to the whole dynamic of forgiving or letting go of blame, of anger, is that it requires what I always describe as this U-turn, where we go from blaming and directing our energy outward of your bad, you're wrong, pushing away to opening into the pain that caused that pushing away. We can't release armoring without really opening into that vulnerability. So that's an integral part of the process and that's why it's so hard.

If I asked you to sense a place where you're holding resentment, or blame and I then said, so what difficult would you have to experience if you let go of the idea that you're wrong or you're bad, this other person is wrong or bad? If you drop that, if you let go of you're wrong, you're bad, what do you have to end up feeling that's difficult?

And what we find is underneath that blame, there's a sense of hurt, there's a sense of dangerment, being disempowered, maybe I'm wrong if you're not wrong. There's a whole, all these layers of vulnerability that we have to open to. And one of the big misunderstandings about forgiving or opening our hearts with compassion is that in some way we're condoning harm. That's like the biggest misunderstanding. because forgiveness in a way is refusing to push anybody or anything including ourselves out of our heart.

Ultimately, that's what it is. It's saying, you know, to be free, I'm not going to push out of my heart with hatred, anybody, anything, including myself. But it doesn't mean that we're condoning harmful actions. It doesn't mean that we put down our boundaries. It doesn't mean we don't take care of ourselves. You can forgive somebody and absolutely commit your life to never letting something happen again harmful to yourself or to another person from that person.

So there's no condoning. Really it's an act to free your heart and it has ripples of course because any way we open our hearts ripples out to touch others. But I want to say, and over the years I've changed how I teach about forgiveness because I found that when there's trauma, it's not often even skillful or helpful to attempt to forgive somebody. There's a whole other layer of inner work that really is needed for healing and to prematurely say, all right, I should, spiritually should, forgive.

of actually create shame and it gets in the way of the healing. And I feel like in spiritual circles that's often not seen. There's this kind of, it's kind of just put out there that well if I'm a spiritual person I'm going to be forgiving but it's not our fault we can't forgive. It's like when we've been wounded we naturally have to have a scab and it has its own timing of when it falls off and to try to take it off prematurely. is not healthy, which means it's entirely up to you to really listen deeply to your own heart and sense when it's time to really start paying attention to what does it mean to let go

with this other person. I'll give you a story some of you might remember from Frank Oste Sessexie, who describes doing a workshop on grief and forgiveness when he was in brink. Berlin and a woman sit in the back of the room to talk. She said, I've been listening to you talk about forgiveness, but my father was a prisoner in concentration camps and I can't forgive as killers. My heart is like ice. The whole room was silent. The only appropriate response is to bear witness. The woman on the other side of the room raises her hand. He's preparing for the stories of the camps and the grief of the losses. And she says, my heart's

like ice too. It feels like a stone. My father was a Nazi officer who was a guard in the camps and I know that he killed people. I can't forgive him. And again, there's silence. And then these two women made their way through a group of 200 people found each other and they embraced. No words. They just held each other.

And they knew they were not alone in their pain. And that was the movement towards... freeing the heart. Do you see it's not to necessarily go, okay, I'm going to go forgive that person, but it's just to begin to name and open and hold each other in the process in a very forgiving and allowing way that we approach it. So I wanted to say that before leading a practice because as I lead this practice, I'm going to start with bringing attention inward to where we need healing. And then when I invite you to explore opening your heart to another person, you might sense in yourself, no, it's not my time for that.

And that's completely fine. Continue to offer your attention inward. The deep understanding that for me has been captured by one phrase from a movie, so I don't even know if it really came from the so-called African tribe that supposedly came from, is that vengeance is a lazy form of grief. And what that means is that while we may not be ready to attempt to forgive another, being caught in the blame, in the stories of blame keeps our own body and biochemistry in a really unhealthy place. So the real need is to make that U-turn. And that's what I'm inviting you all to explore. There's an amazing capacity of the heart when we're willing to discover its own vastness. Share one more story and then we'll practice together.

And I'm sharing this because it's kind of a local story, a man who worked in Washington, D.C. with juvenile offenders. Most of the youth that he worked with were gang members who had committed homicide. And one 14-year-old boy in his program had killed an innocent teen to prove himself. And at trial, the mother sat impassably at the court till the end. And when the youth was convicted of the trial, she stood up and looked him in the eyes and said, I'm going to kill you. Then he's taken away for several years. Well, after the first half year, the mother of the slain child went to visit his killer. Now, he'd been living on streets before, and so he didn't have any visitors.

So she left him some money for some snacks or whatever. And then she started step by step to visit him, bringing food and small gifts, books, so on. Near the end of the three-year sentence, she asked him what he was going to do when he got out. And he was confused and uncertain, so she offered to set him up with a job. friend's company. And then she inquired about where he'd live and since he had no family to return to, she offered him temporary use of a spare room in her home. So for eight months he lived there, ate her food, worked at the job. Then one evening she calls him and says let's talk. She says, you remember that moment when I said to you, I'm going to kill you?

He said, I sure do. She said, well, I did. I didn't want the boy who could kill my son for no reason to remain alive in this earth. I wanted to die and that's why I started to visit you and bring you things and that's why I got you the job and I let you live in my house and that's how I set about changing you. And that old boy he's gone. So now I want to ask you since my son is gone and that killer is gone if you'll stay here. I've got room and I'd like to adopt you if you'll let me. And so she became the mother of her son's killer, really the mother he had never had. Since I first heard this story, I've actually heard many stories like this.

Van Jones has this redemption series where he's brought together people who have committed really horrific crimes and the survivors of those crimes, like the parent of the child or the person that can't walk anymore because whatever. And it's a whole restorative justice process, but they had to have some training, but then having them have these conversations. And the possibility of amazing healing

when humans get real with each other, how the heart can open. So in a way we bring a kind of restorative presence to our own hearts. It's not in interaction in real life with another but with our own spirit and heart and tenderness. We begin to bring healing to the places that have been wounded so that from a more healed place we can see the other with clearer eyes and it takes its own time. So in that spirit, let's want to change how you're sitting in any of the other. way, please sit comfortably.

Take some moments to arrive you might as you come into stillness, just notice the state of your heart right now and honor, respect however it is, whether you're tired or sad or anxious or open or tender. Just to notice how it is, you're beginning this practice with a simple connective. with your own being. You might take a few full breaths and let the breath help further collect your attention. Allowing the breath resume in its natural rhythm,

might explore what I sometimes call a forgiveness sweep where you actually sweep the attention through the body and sense where there's holding, tightening, tensing against anything, and just letting go through the body. and if there's places of discomfort bringing a very forgiving, caring attention there. You're bringing your heart to your body, letting go, softening, and feel yourself inhabiting your body, bringing the attention down, the awareness down, into the shoulders, the chest, and the belly,

feeling your hands and your feet, aware of the touch point. where you're sitting so you can feel the weight and the pressure and the warmth, where you're contacting your seat or cushion, where your hands are touching, feet are touching the floor. So you know that you're here in this living, breathing body, senses awake, perhaps a slight smile, the kindness of a Buddha, that benevolence that holds all that's happening. And we begin with our intention, just sensing your intention,

intention, in your own words, to awaken and free your heart, your intention, perhaps to love without holding back. And scanning your life and sensing someone where in the relationship you feel that you're holding on to blame or resentment and you feel ready to explore this more to see what kind of freeing up is possible. sense in this flow that this is really the reign of compassion or the reign of forgiveness you'll be bringing the mindfulness and compassion of rain to the situation. And you might begin with recognizing whatever has triggered, blame, anger, resentment,

letting that story be in the background so that you can recognize and sense what's living in you right now. just very honestly, connect. And here it might help to see the person's face close in and remind yourself of what's happened, the expression on that person's face, the words that were exchanged. Noticing what arises, whatever is predominant, whatever feelings come up. The allowing is giving them complete permission to be here. It's like you're creating a real open space for them.

It's okay. This is what is. This is the reality of the reaction that's here. It's respectful. It's an acknowledgement. This is how it is. And with the gentleness beginning to investigate, you might be noticing what you're believing, what the part of you that's feeling blame is believing.

Maybe that you're believing that this person isn't respecting you or caring. caring about you, that this person is threatening in some way or threatening somebody that you love, letting yourself recognize what story or belief is fueling the blame. And when you're believing this, how that feels in your body. So let yourself examine that. When you're believing, let's say that this person couldn't care about you or isn't respectful or doesn't understand you, how does that feel in your body? And often there's more than one feeling.

If you're angry, you might also find that there's hurt or despair or shame. Beginning to investigate, what's really here? What's the worst part about this? This person is like this and I feel underneath what? What are you most upset about? What are you most afraid about? you most heard about. You're feeling that fully, you might even let your body posture express what you're

feeling. And you're sensing the worst part about this. What's really bringing up the blame, you might find your shoulders hunch over, or that your hands come into fists or that your face tightens, let your face express it to, so that you can really fully embody and contact what's there. the hurt or the fear, the upset. What's it like? What's under that blame?

See if you can go right to where you feel feelings the most fully in your body. You might even put your hand there so that you can begin to really contact the place from which the reaction's most coming, your heart, your chest, or your throat or your belly. And when that place is feeling really strong, that feelings blame or resentment, and you feel into the vulnerability that's there, how does it want you to be with it? What does it want you to know? What does it need? What does the vulnerable place most need?

Does it need to be seen? Does it need company? Does it want to feel forgiven, loved? And as you ask that, you might sense that you're calling on your highest self, your most awake heart, and listening from there. And if you need some support from a larger source, then call on that. Call on the bodhisattva of compassion or the Buddha or you can call on Jesus. You can call on Jesus or you can call on the Dalai Lama, call on any spiritual figure,

a grandparent, a friend. Call on some other larger source of love and of wisdom to back you up and listen to what this part inside you most needs. And from your own high self and from whatever larger sources of love you can can evoke, offer inward what's needed, offer the message that this part most needs to hear or remember, the touch, perhaps some image. See if you can imagine care, light, warmth, luminous, flowing in to soothe and comfort, to bring healing to the part of you that most needs it. And as you offer love and let in love, just sense who you are, sense what might be shifting,

sense the quality of presence that's here. Notice if your sense of identity has shifted, has opened some. And rest in that a bit. Rest in the larger truth of who you are. And if you feel ready to explore now bringing the other person into your awareness and attention, then this is the time to now visualize the other person behaving as they have in whatever way has felt hurtful or harmful to you, visualize them in their reactivity. So you're recognizing, okay, this is how the person's expressing right now and allowing

it, letting be in your mind, just letting that be, this is what really happened. This is acknowledging an actuality. This is how they have appeared to me. Your own awake, more intuitive heart beginning to investigate now. How might it be for them? How might they have viewed what was happening? What might they be believing about themselves and you and the world that would drive their behavior? How might they have been feeling insecure what need was not met for them?

Was it the need for respect, for love, to feel important, understood, safe? What might they have been really hoping for or fearing? And in a deep way the inquiry is, where does it hurt? If you could be talking to their most vulnerable self, where does it hurt? Can you see past their conditioned expression to where does it hurt? sensing your own heart and heart space, inhabiting your high self, whether you call it your future self, your most compassionate heart, sensing whatever care is there, and imagining that person with their needs met, feeling loved, safe, valued, noticing how they might behave

be different if they felt held in care. And just sensing your own being now, who you are when being present, caring, open, attuning to another, who are you? I sense your identity if it's enlarged and rest in that. When the poet Rumi, out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a feeling field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense. It can be a part of the healing to scan and sense if there's any judging that has subtly or not so subtly

dropped up in the process of yourself or how you're doing it. More important than anything in this forgiving practice is to notice that and hold it with tenderness, to not believe that you're doing something wrong, to really trust that it's a process. the awakening of the heart at its own pace. Forgiven, forgiven, and for these last minute or two, in the quietness, just sensing any part of your being that needs tenderness, any waves that are asking for attention and offering your own forgiving heart to them, your own compassionate heart to whatever's right here.

you for your presence.