Tara Brach - The Blessings of "Enough" - Discovering Contentment in Daily Life (PT 2)

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

The Blessings of "Enough" - Discovering Contentment in Daily Life (Part 2) - One of the great gifts of mindful awareness is access to true contentment. These two talks look at the universal blocks to contentment - habits of fixating on what's wrong and what's missing. We then explore the practices of presence that awaken us from wanting life to be different, reveal our intrinsic wholeness and offer a profound sense of well-being.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste and greetings, my friends. It's really lovely to have you with us for this next part of the series on contentment. And contentment is this inner freedom of realizing well-being right where we are. I'd like to start by responding to some of the questions and misunderstandings that arise around any consideration of contentment. And some imagine contentment as being this kind of dissociation from the world, a dreamy floating that's above and beyond life's difficulties, you know, kind of the image of a cow contendently

munching on grass and of mess. or something, like real trans like. And actually, true contentment involves a full presence with the life that's right here within and around us. And it doesn't mean we don't experience difficult emotions. It means we're okay with feeling whatever is arising. So by way of example, this week, inner contentment for me has not blocked me from feeling alarm and grief for those in Afghanistan, for those in Haiti. It hasn't stopped me from feeling fear or concern for a dear friend of mine who has brain cancer. It hasn't stopped me from feeling kind of bogged down by my own physical discomfort. I've been dealing with a sinus infection. So contentment enables us to be okay with these

arising of grief or fear or pain with the ups and downs. And it allows us to have a sense of balance of a fundamental okayness in the midst of it. And this kind of freedom is captured by one of my favorite phrases from a Zen master says that enlightenment is to be without anxiety about imperfection. The more contemporary version of it is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who says, I'm not okay, and you're not okay, and it's okay. So it's really this presence that's large enough to embrace our imperfect world. So that was the first concern is a kind of a dissociation from reality. The second concern I run into is people say things like, well, if I'm really content, when I just get passive, when I lose motivation to improve myself or to work for change in the

world, you know, if we're content, are we going to respond to our climate emergency or to racial violence? And what I've seen is. is that the more someone has that that inner balance, that equanimity of contentment, the more they can respond to life. We all are going to be active and respond, but it's from caring, not from a reactive kind of fear or anger. So a third area that I want to name of confusion is that contentment, our trust, our hope is something we should be experiencing. If we're spiritual people, we should be able to feel contentment. And if we're having a hard time, let's say instead of contentment, we're at war with ourselves

or at life, you know, just basically not okay, that means in some way we're spiritually failing. So then, you know, happiness, contentment, truth. feeling, you know, wise, feeling imbalance becomes this other, this test for spiritual achievement. And contentment isn't something we can strive for. It's a natural expression of who we are when our natural awareness isn't in the grip of conditioning. And, and this is universal, contentment gets blocked by, you can get blocked by our genetics, it can get blocked by trauma, it gets blocked to some degree for most everyone by the cultures we're in. In other words,

contentment gets blocked by forces beyond our control. It's not our fault if we're not accessing contentment. You can't manage your contentment level or produce it or manipulate it. And that by the way, goes for really any expression of spiritual awakening. There's not a self behind the curtain that can manage the dials. So my favorite way of understanding this is that you can't will contentment. All you can do is be willing to be in as much presence and kindness as possible with what is. In other words, have an intention towards a moment. mindful and caring presence. We can't will it. So here we are. We have this yearning in most beings for contentment. It's universally valued by religions and spiritual traditions around the

world and a pervasive discontent where for so many there's a rejecting the present moment, not liking how it is, sensing something's missing or something's wrong. There's a story I've always loved, then I'll update it. A woman goes to a fortune teller, and she's talking to her about a relationship, how her husband, like so many men, won't talk about his feelings. And so the fortune teller looks into her crystal ball, and she says, well, in 2022, at the beginning of 2022, men will start talking about their feelings. and within moments, women across the country will be sorry.

You know, it's this ever-existing sense of wanting what we don't have and not wanting what we do have in our lives. So it's important to see how our contemporary culture breeds discontent with what we have and also with who we are. and I want to name both of those separately. And there's a story, the Dalai Lama talked about, this is some years back, traveling in the United States, and they stopped in a mall.

And he said, I found myself wanting all these things I'd never thought about. And of course, now we don't need to even go to a mall. All we have to do is be online, and social media companies have vast amounts of information about us, enough so they can continually activate our wanting with ads. And most of us have a real strong degree of attachment to accumulating to our possessions. Story about a guy who is driving his new black Lexus SUV down the interstate. He pulls off into a gas station, pit stop. And, you know, he's opening the door to a sleek new Lexus. And then it, and it, and, and it, and, and, and, and, and, and,

inattentive truck driver who's talking to a cell phone, drives a little too close and tears off the door to the Lexus. So witnesses to the accident can hear the man wailing, you know, my Lexus over and over again. And as the onlookers check to see if he's okay, the Shabrin, Lexus owner continues to, he's ranting. Oh my God, my God, my Lexus. And one observant bystander notices that in addition to tearing off the door to the Lexus, the air truck has also torn off the driver's arm. And when that bystander remarks that it wasn't just the car, but the man's arm, the driver should be worried about the Lexus owner. Surprise, look down at the bloody stump that was once his arm and exclaims, oh, my God, my God, my Rolex.

And I know that's about the most silly joke I've shared in a bit, but you get the idea that, well, to put it in a bigger way, capitalism would fall in its needs. If those of us who had our material needs covered felt that what we had was enough, you know, that we didn't need more upgrades or renovations, our new products or the next model, the latest fashion, whatever it is, capitalism requires that we keep wanting more, that we keep consuming more, that there's a reason to produce more. It needs to keep growing.

So if your basic needs are met, those of you are listening with, your basic needs met, if you ask yourself, well, do I have enough? And how much is there a habit of just wanting more? and what would happen if all of us became more content and lived simpler, unhooked from that acquiring energy? So there's wanting more, but the most painful level of discontent of not enough is a sense that I'm not enough.

And we're in this very driven competitive culture that really fuels a sense of being insecure and discontent with who we are. feeling never enough. And I really think often just if you contrast it with a, with societies where there is some strong sense of belonging to the earth, to family, community, much of Western industrialized technology culture, there's an external standard we have to meet. There's a set of them to sense any belonging or being of value. And we know it, that part of feeling okay and enough is if you have a certain kind of body or appearance and it has to do with your personality or the kind of intelligence, which, you know,

in much of Western society's left brain intelligence. And I so often think of there's many kind of intelligences. And those children who don't have left brain, that's not their lead intelligence. how they grow up feeling there's something really wrong with them. And that's just so upsetting to think about. So we have these standards, including professional competency and success. And then we have the more subtle ones where, you know, in some way there's this pride if we're feeling or exuding youth and health and physical ability.

And there's embarrassment around aging, around illness, around deterioration. around loss of ability. So rather than an assumption of our intrinsic value, we are raised to hitch our worth to these externals. And most of us know that, but we're not aware of how in a daily way we're continually monitoring a lot of different fronts of how we're performing or looking and asking, you know, how am I doing now? How am I doing now to censor for will enough? And often there's a gap between our idea of how we should be and what's actually happening. So there's these wheels of striving to always be more, to be different. It was a classic story about a Zen student talking to an abbot about joining the monastery,

and he's asking them, you know, how long will it take me to get enlightened? And the abbot says 10 years. And then the student says, well, what if I weren't? work extra hard. The Abbott says 20 years. And then the students say, hey, you said 10. And the Abbott, for you, 30. And you can get the point that, you know, it's really this sense like we have to do more to be who the person that will feel enough. And part of the challenge is we get very accustomed to feeling discontent. It's kind of the air we're breathing. or the water we're swimming in, the sense of dissatisfaction are not enough, that I'm not enough,

what I have is not enough, my life's not enough. It's kind of an unconscious habit that we don't even notice how pervasive it is, how many moments in some way there's a sense of things are not okay. I remember when I began noticing this and I shared this in my most recent book, Trusting the Gold, Some years back, I started noticing that never enough feeling and how it was hitched to seemingly good things. Am I contributing enough? Am I being kind enough, sensitive enough? Always monitoring myself. And I noticed that even after what clearly brought a sense of good enough, let's say I taught a retreat and I could tell people, you know, got some real benefit or had a warm connection with someone, I noticed how little time would have to pass before in some way I was fixated on the next

thing I needed to do or next way I needed to accomplish something in order to feel okay. And I really started wondering what would allow me in a sustained way to feel unenough? It's a powerful question. And what I came to realize is that enoughness had nothing to do with accomplishing. It had nothing to do with being a good person that I was acting well. It only really was nourished by moments of true presence and tenderness and open-heartedness. Enoughness had nothing to do with the externals. It was all about presence and an open heart.

Those were the moments. There was that kind of a deep sense of enough that's grown over time. So you might ask yourself that question, that's a powerful one. What would make me feel like I'm enough? What do I habitually assume I have to do to be enough? What would give a real true lasting sense? of enough. And you might, as you reflect on that, do a bit of journaling because that can help to bring forward some of what you're experiencing. So now I'd like to turn to how we can call on

mindfulness and compassion and finding contentment. And thus far, past reflections, we explored how we can approach the moments when we're stuck, when we're actually feeling discontent and use the formal rain meditation that's recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture to find our way back to contentment. In those moments when we're caught in, you know, reactivity, fewer grasping. I'd like to extend this and say that personally, I find it really powerful to do what I call a light rain through the day in any moments when I'm in some sense of a reaction. mood when I'm judging or the inner complainers is activated when I'm feeling grim or, you know, in some way annoyed or beleaguered. Just to pause for a moment and recognize what's happening and just let it be there and allow and then feel it. That's the investigate, maybe breathe with it,

and then gently say something like this too. This too is part of the life that's here, this room. And there's still some unpleasant feelings that are there. But what's happened is by just pausing, and I'm talking about it could be in a minute, that kind of a pause with a light rain awakens more awareness. So there's more of that sense of the ocean that's including the waves, not being stuck in the waves, which has everything to do with contentment,

remembering the ocean has freedom to it. And one of the key pieces, if it's you want to practice this late rain when you notice discontent is the end because what nurtures and brings up contentment is some gentle reminder of okayness. And there's some mantras that can work really well. You know, you've recognized that you're upset with somebody. You've recognized you're not feeling well and it's just a drag to be feeling unwell. That on some level, when you get to the end of rain, you can just say, it's okay, real kindly. Or this belongs. This is a wave of experience that belongs in the ocean. Or just a gentle yes, like yes to this moment. Or this too. I love

saying this too. It's just in the moment of this too, then what you are becomes bigger than the this. you know, there's one teacher, and I can't remember who, that suggested the mantra, it's like this. It's like saying, okay, in the midst of all this reactivity and annoyance, it's like this right now. It's just you're just kind of naming reality. And in that moment of mindfully acknowledging it's like this, again, awareness is bigger than the this. So this is kind of a radical acceptance that's the grounds of contentment that you can use the informal practice of rain with, just that light rain that helps you to feel okay about not feeling okay. And it really does have a sense of freedom. We'll practice for a few moments right now because I find it's so

valuable. You might just take a pause here and maybe close your eyes and take a few full breaths. asking yourself if there's anything between you and contentment that's going on maybe right in this moment, there's some discomfort in your body, not something big, some small kind of unpleasantness that you're aware gets in the way of contentment. Or maybe just emotionally you're feeling off in some way. Or maybe there's something going on in your life, some disagreement, something challenging, that you wish wasn't going on. And do a light rain. Just recognize, okay, this is going on, just recognize it and name it. You might name what feelings there, no judgment or fear, annoyance, aversion.

And then allow it just in some energetic way, let it be there. and you investigate, but it's fueling it, fuel in your body, feel what's here right now, take a few full breath, letting yourself be embodied. And then for the end of rain, for nurturing, that reminder of it's okay. It could be gentle, put your hand in your heart,

you can say this too, this too. And just sense as you do it, that the this becomes more manageable and that what you are enlarges, or you might say, it's like this right now. Notice the shift in perspective, that there's a little more access to a space of awareness, contentment, freedom. So one pathway to contentment is bringing mindful presence, whether it's in the formal practice of rain or informal pausing and practice, to whatever's blocking us, to whatever's going on in the

moment that has us feeling discontent. And in those moments of mindful presence of rain, we'll find we open to a larger field of being. We open to the ocean that can include the waves. Now, I'd like to bring us to a second pathway to connect to that larger field. And that's intentionally cultivating open-heartedness. And we'll look at two types of open-heartedness, gratitude. and loving kindness. And again, they bring contentment because they help to dissolve a sense of separateness, which is really the root of discontent. And in a moments of gratitude and love, we experience a larger belonging. We become more the ocean with the waves. Now, many of us touch moments of gratitude and love, but we tend to gloss over it. And I want to take some time

with this because this is important. And you might bring in here the lens of neuroscience, which is that if we want experiences of open-heartedness, of becoming that larger space that can include the ways, we want that to become a more ongoing part of our life. We need the moments of gratitude or loving kindness to enter our implicit memory. Now, typically, we'll have an experience and if it's negative, you know, something that has to do with fear or loneliness or shame, that goes right into our implicit memory. It imprints easily. But the positive experiences, if we don't stay with them, they don't imprint. So for instance, you get six compliments and one critique for something that you shared with a group. What stays with you? What affects

your future computations and moves. So with the positive states, we need to be intentional about staying with, sustaining our attention to them. It said that 15 to 30 seconds when you feel the actual felt sense of gratitude or loving kindness, because that's what does the rewiring that makes it more of an accessible experience where there can generally be more contentment. my friend Rick Hansen calls us positive neuroplasticity. So let's look at each of those cultivating the gratitude that really leads us to that sense of non-separation, that larger field, and then loving kindness. And gratitude really helps us to undo a key habit that blocks us, which is it helps us

to undo judging, not liking what's happening. There's a story where there once was a monastery where it was really strict and they were following a vow of silence and no one was allowed to speak at all. The only exception was every 10 years, there would be an interview with the head monk. And during that interview, those who were the monks and nuns could speak two words. So, One person became a monk, was entered the monastery and after 10 years had an interview with the head monk and he was asked what two words he'd like to speak. Bed hard, said the monk. I see, replied the head monk. Ten years later, the monk returns to the head monk's office.

It's been 10 more years. What are the two words you'd like to speak? Food stinks, said the monk. I see, said the head monk. mom. Another 10 years pass. The monk once again meets with the head monk who asks, what are your two words now after these 10 years? I quit, says the monk. Well, I can see why I replied the head monk. You've been doing nothing but complaining since you got here. Part of what I love about this is that I'm so aware of the inner complainer and maybe you've noticed too. I mean, sometimes it's just mild

grumbling, but it just can be so in the background with anything that doesn't match my idea of how I want life. So practicing gratitude deconditions that inner complainer and that habit of judging. And there's a growing body of research, and I'm sure most of you're aware of it because gratitude becomes so in the forefront of what helps us that if you're severely depressed and you write down three good things that happened to you a day. I think this research was done by Seligman. For 15 days, you do that. At the end, they say 92% that happiness increased. And there's many, many ways that you can just on purpose, wake up gratitude. You can journal three things a day or you can have an email buddy and just you don't have to say anything other than

just emailing your three things and keep a gratitude journal. But really what it comes down to is that even when life is more difficult, it all comes down to how we frame it. And you might think of the people you know who are grateful and you can sense the inner freedom and they're still going to get sick and they're still going to die and they're still going to lose people they love, but there's an inner freedom to it. And it really comes from a sense of gratitude. There's a story that I've always loved

about a humble shoemaker and this name's Kabir and not the poet Kabir. Anyway, he lives simply and always moves through the day and as he moves through the day, he utters a mantra, Ram Ram, Ram, which is the sacred God. It rams the embodiment of virtue. So one day, the God, the God,

God, Rahm actually appears. He says, I'm here. And Kabir says, well, why are you here? And Ram says, if you've been praying to me for all these years, what do you want? And then Kabir says, nothing. I just love reciting your name. And for years to come, wherever Kabir would go, he could hear the voice of Ram saying, Kabir, Kabir. Such a sweet story. some of you've heard of Henri Noon, he's a Christian mystic writer. He says the choice for gratitude rarely comes without some real effort. But each time I make it, the next choice is a little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious. So let's just take a moment and explore this pathway to contentment, to inner peace,

this sense of developing gratitude. Doing a simple way, again, I invite you to let your attention go inward, feel this body breathing, and sense wants to let go a little bit right now. And begin scanning your life for what you're grateful for, what you love and appreciate about your life. And just start naming. You might do it in a whisper. I'm grateful for. And then just put in the person's name or the place or the experience that you're

grateful for. So please begin just naming with a sincere whisper. What are you grateful for? I am grateful for. And as you continue, you might even slow down a little to feel the experience of gratitude in your body that arises. You might take them all. to sense one thing you named that you're grateful for that really resonates strongly. Say it again and then say thank you and say thank you again and again. Feel your sincerity and the felt sense of gratitude as perhaps a warmth or openness. Allow it to fill you so you really sense the felt experience, letting it be as big as it wants to be.

It's kind of saturating it with your intention and attention, saturating it with your attention. Let it fill you fully. Thank you. Thank you. As you open to the fullness of gratitude, notice the quality of your being right now. Just a sense of presence, the space that's here,

and the quality of content. in just this moment, being at home, being okay, well-being. And if you feel cold too, you might take a few full rest and then it's journal a bit, noting down whatever you noticed. Like gratitude, arousing feelings of loving kindness really nourish our fundamental sense of belonging and contentment. Now, love and kindness arises when we see the goodness in others. We come home to this natural open-heartedness.

And in those moments, we don't want anything different. We don't want it more or different. Thomas Merton and many mystics describe our capacity to see the divine shining through all of life. And as we know, that's not our habit. Really, our habits to fixate on what's wrong and what's imperfect. So it again is important to do. train ourselves to look for goodness. And it's wise to start where it's easiest, you know, in the uncomplicated relationships, such as often with a child or a pet. You know, I'm aware in a

daily way with my dog, unless she's, of course, just destroyed a favorite rug. How communing, paying attention to her, taking her in, it just opened and delights me. It nourishes really deep sense of okayness. So we practice by taking moments on purpose to take in the goodness of others, to feel the warmth of our appreciation and love. And loving kindness reaches its fullness when we actively extend our prayers and our care. I remember so well when my son was a young child, and I know many, many parents have done this. So when he'd be sleeping, those moments, of this angelic being just lying there in stillness and peace. And of course, no demands on me.

And just in that simple presence, in my heart, we get melted, you know, just really open with a deep sense of connection and well-being. So with practice, seeing the goodness, we can learn to see past the mask of others when they're triggering us. You know, we can see past the mask to the goodness of those we don't know. There's research, and I can't remember where I saw this, that having a smile, a warm connection with a stranger, has a really positive effect on our mood and our body.

We feel more connected to the world, more of a sense of well-being. Because, again, well-being is very much linked with a sense of our beingness belonging to the whole world. You know, with practice, we can see the innate goodness in strangers and also people who are very different from us and also in non-human species. It reveals a larger belonging. So again, what loving kindness has to do with contentment is to the degree we feel separate, we'll feel discontent.

We'll feel incomplete. You know, when we feel separate, we get hijacked by fear. of what's going to happen and we start grasping at what will make us feel more whole, wanting and fearing. And in the moments of remembering love, we're enlarged. We're more that ocean, that oneness, we're more complete, we're at home in our world. There's inner well-being. There's a story I read, a doctor told, and I shared this, I think, early in the year, really always gets to me. She says, it was a busy morning around 8.30 when it elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived

to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry. He had an appointment at 9 o'clock. I saw him looking at this watch. So while taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment because he was in such a hurry. He told me no.

He needed to go to a nursing home and eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired about her health and he told me she'd been there for a while and she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she'd be upset if he was a bit late. He replied,

that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised and asked him, and you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are? He smiled and patted my hand and said, she doesn't know me, but I still know who she is. Loving well and well-being go together. So let's again take a few moments in this training to come. cultivate the capacity for contentment. And we'll taste how loving well and well-being are actually one of the same.

And you might, as you pause yet again, take a moment to feel yourself right here. Feel your physical sensations just as they are. Whatever mood might be here. the sounds around you. Your senses are awake and scanning your life. Bring to mind someone. It could be an animal also that's easy to love, an uncomplicated relationship. You have this being in mind. Move in close and sense what brings up love? What is it about them? And you might be reminded yourself of the look in their eyes

when they're loving or affectionate towards you, how they behave when they're happy, their brightness, humor, goodness. Feel the warmth that arises as you reflect on goodness and imagining that you're right there with them, looking into their eyes, let them know your care. I say, I love you, and whisper their name. And then again, with real sincerity, whispering their name, letting them know your love.

sensing it being received by their heart, sensing who you are when you're loving, when who you are together and that loving, just feel that presence, that openness, that tenderness, resting in that, getting familiar with that, noticing how when there's a loving will, lovingfully, there's well-being, not wanting anything different at home. and how it is. And again, you might journal a bit if that works for you now or when you have time in a few moments. And so friends, we're coming to a closing here. These have been talks and reflections really on one of the greatest fruits, blessings of the spiritual path, this homecoming to contentment. And this is the flavor of awake awareness that can include the changes.

weather of life. And it can respond then. That allows us to respond appropriately, whether it's with a healing tenderness or when there's that inner contentment and presence, we can respond with appreciation or compassion, with celebration. We respond from open-heartedness. And as we've explored, the grounds of contempt and really is cultivating a mindful kind presence, its attention to the life that's right here. So we really discover the possibility of being okay with what doesn't feel okay, this radical acceptance of imperfection. And we also cultivate contentment by bringing intentional attention to goodness, really letting ourselves fill with gratitude when it arises really feeling it, noticing it and with love, noticing it, and

noticing how we become larger. We become more at home in this world, more connected, more whole. I want to, as part of closing, encourage you to be patient because discontent is really the pervasive habit of our culture. And I also want to say to trust that it's possible for each of us to touch more of this inner freedom, a growing sense of happy for no reason. of that okayness in the midst of our living and dying world. You know, when I prepare talks like this,

I really immerse in the particular dimension we're exploring. And I have found it so helpful in these last weeks just to ask myself, just kind of like a spot check, a spot quiz. You know, is there anything between me and contentment in this moment? what helps me to be okay with life just as it is to really check. And it's so powerful and helpful to notice the moments when there is well-being, where I'm actually not wanting anything more. I'm not pushing anything away.

So I want to invite you to keep your eye out because we do have moments of well-being. in those moments, pause some and get familiar because the more you notice them and feel them from the inside out, the more there's actually like a gravitational field towards them. We start getting familiar and over time realize that all the ups and downs are still happening, but underneath there's this growing sense of okayness. And with that, with that real freedom. So we'll close again with a very short reflection. Like to just invite you to do again that kind of a spot, kind of a check, and say,

you know, is there anything between me and contentment in this moment? Is there anything between me and contentment in this moment? And if you notice there is, which is totally natural, just become aware of it with mindful awareness, recognize it, allow it, feel it, and maybe gently say this too, this too. And notice even the short moment of mindfulness and a gentle reminder, there's a little more space, a little more freedom. There's a poem I shared some months back I'd like to recite again by Julia Ferenbacher. She said, says, go gently today, don't hurry or think about the next thing. Walk with the quiet trees. Can you believe how brave they are? How kind? Model your life after theirs. Blue kisses at yourself in the mirror, especially when you think you've messed up.

Forgive yourself for not meeting your unreasonable expectations. You are human. Praise fresh air, clean water, good dogs. Spim some something from joy. Open a window even if it's cold outside. Sit. Close your eyes. Breathe. Allow the river of it all to pulse through eyelashes, fingertips, bare toes. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe until you feel your bigness until the sun rises in your veins. breathe until you stop needing anything to be different. Breathe until you stop needing anything to be different. Thank you, friends, for your attention, for your sincere hearts.

I can feel in this moment there's a kind of shared prayer that we might offer, that all beings awaken to loving presence. that all beings feel the natural joy of being alive, that all beings everywhere touch that peace of contentment, of deep okayness, of being at home in the life that's here. Namaste. For more talks and meditations, and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.