Tara Brach - The Dance of Relational Trance

Episode Date: December 14, 2011

2011-12-14 - The Dance of Relational Trance - When we become emotionally reactive in our relationships, we often go into a trance that creates separation and locks us into a narrow sense of self. This talk explores how, by pausing and deepening our attention, we can reconnect with the wisdom of our hearts. Please support this podcast by donating at www.tarabrach.com or www.imcw.org. Your donation makes a difference! Thank you!

So I'd like to begin tonight's talk a bit in the way that I began a talk right before Thanksgiving. This time I'd like to let you know that I got a card that was actually a napkin last year. And it says, I'll be home for Christmas and in therapy by New Year's. And it always resonates because, you know, as much as we love and adore those closest to us, often it's when we spend time with those we have the most history with that that brings up our historical patterns and so it's a real common theme for many people that as we enter this season the stress of the season and the sense of going to be with those that were closest with or extended family can really trigger off patterns that we wish wouldn't happen

And so I'd like to address that a little tonight. And just by saying that we get caught in a looping. And the looping goes something like some emotions triggered off, you know, fear or hurt or anger. And then we go into a behavior we've been doing for 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, and on years. And then that behavior creates a reaction from people that then creates the emotion. And then we loop and loop and loop. And this looping is a trance. When we're in our looping of emotions and behaviors,

we're in a trance in the sense that our perceptions are narrowed. We're very identified with a sense of a separate self who's in some way either failing or completely right, but it's a small kind of self. And there's unpleasantness that goes with it. And when we're in that trance, we can't see who the others we're involved with really are. So we're cut off from who we are, and we're cut off from others. So this is the looping and the trance that we go into.

And we find ourselves caught in a role that's very familiar. And the role is usually something like we're either the controller or we're the victim, or we're the accommodator, or we're the boss. in some way and there's many different versions of it sometimes we're the one that's the judgeer and sometimes we're the judged sometimes we're the needy one sometimes we're the one that's just highly oversensitive or avoidant no matter what the role is we're kind of addicted to it meaning that we feel kind of like we have to do it it's very hard not to go into it so the deal is it ends up

creating a very limiting sense of who we are and it cuts us off from other people. Now tonight I'll be mostly exploring how we wake up from this trance in our interpersonal field, but we play out the same roles. We get into that same kind of identity when we're in relationship with a larger organization often, with a country, you know, with a society, at large. We play out the same routines of either we're a victim or we're a leader or controller or the avoider or the combatant. A man wrote a letter to the IRS and he said, I've been unable to sleep knowing that I've cheated on my income tax. I've understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I'll send the rest.

So that's us with the government But you know we do the same thing with each other We operate according to what will reduce our sense of guilt And what makes us feel better We're trying to in some way accommodate What other people expect or want And not always because it's from our hearts So when we're in a narrowed identity

In one of these roles On some level it's hurtful It's hurtful to ourselves because we're cutting ourselves off from the truth and the depth and the goodness that's really who we are. And it hurts others. In some way it violates others too. And so we reflect for a few moments as we explore tonight really that the very core, if you'd say, of Buddhist teachings in terms of what most expresses who we are. is to cause no harm that the deepest expression

of our true nature, sometimes it's called our Buddha, our awakened nature, is really a reverence for life. And I think the question that can be very powerful as we enter this season and enter into

sometimes what can be a stressful time is what can help us to wake up out of the trance and into that basic reverence for the life that's within and around us. So what helps? And what I'd like to begin with is exploring really what our most common patterns are. So I'm going to have you kind of listen for, well, yeah, that's the role or the pattern that sounds familiar to me. Because as we often do in these inquiries, I'll then have you explore.

situation where you might see how you can loosen up the old habitual looping and step out a little. So one of the first patterns that we look at, because they all usually fit into fight, flight, or freeze. In some way, we're having a strong emotional reaction and we're doing one of those, all different forms of controlling. So one of the most basic, of course, is fighting. and that one's pretty straightforward sometimes where we're blaming others for in some way not being the way they should be for some way they've let us down

or fallen short or not cooperated there's some form of judgment there and then sometimes it comes in the form of complaining that's the form it's aggressive still we're still in some way putting somebody else in the wrong. Sometimes it's more what's called passive-aggressive.

Example, little girl one day sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink, and suddenly she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. And she looked at her mom and said inquisitively, you know, so why are some of your hair's white mom? and her mother replied, well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a little while, and she said, Mama, how come all grandma's hairs are white? She wasn't the real victim, was she?

So one of our modes then, and you can sense how this might be so, is that when we have an emotional reaction, our tendency is towards in some way pushing away, in some way fighting, in some way, aggressing. And then the second area, of course, is flight, that when in some way we feel hurt or angry or afraid, instead we seek to pacify someone. We become the accommodator, you know, the one that kind of shapes ourselves to the shape that at least cause trouble, that we end up justifying ourselves.

And many of us know that one, that we are in the position very often in some way defending our position, in some way defending our okayness. I remember some years ago, this was sent to me, this is a list of statements that were found in insurance forms,

and these were taken when a car driver, was asked to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words and so you'll sense the particular reactive type from this one writes coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way another person writes the guy was all over the road. I had a swerve a number of times before I hit him. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. My car was legally parked as it backed into another car, into another vehicle. An invisible car came

out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. These are true. These are really true. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. I'll read one more. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. So this is about taking responsibility here. So this is the general domain of flight, whereby we cover over our defender, in some way, present something. that will make us look better and different.

And then we have a lot of different forms of manipulation. And if we watch ourselves with other people, so many moments on some level, we're doing something that will create a certain response. We're in some way trying to control how the other person behaves or treats us. And we do it with promises and we do it with white lies and with misrepresentations. In one story, a mother's preparing pancakes for her sons, a five-year-old and a three-year-old.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake, so the mom saw this opportunity for a moral lesson. She says, if Jesus was sitting here, he would say, let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. Kevin, the older, turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you can have the first chance at playing Jesus. So we have our strategies and they become more or less sophisticated, but each is a way of in some way controlling others. And then the inquiry is, how come we stay so hooked? How come we keep doing these again and again so that I have people that will come and to work with me at retreats. And sometimes their deepest place of despair is the fact that, well, I've been doing this since I was 18.

or 14, the same pattern of the way I push away people, the same way that I have to be in charge and turn off people, the same way that I let people walk all over me. So how come? And one reason is that the emotions that flare up in us flare up really, really quickly. In fact, we get a strong emotional reaction 10 times as fast as the part of our brain that says,

wait a minute, you know, maybe it seems like judgment, but he's just having a hard day and it's not about you. And we all know how nice that sounds, right? But the emotion's already alive and flowing through our body by that time. So one of it is the speed of how fast

these emotions get triggered off. So another, you know, thing to say about that is the speed of our limbic system, and its reaction is great if we're trying to get a kid that's walking into a busy street out of the street or a limb's about to fall in our head. But it's not so great when we're in a situation with somebody close to us and we've perceived a judgment and our body's flooded with adrenaline, with anger,

or we're feeling hurt, whatever it is. Then it's tough. So one reason it's difficult. is the speed of the reaction. And another is, it's a habit we've been doing for a really long time. We've been going into either our fight mode, we've learned to throw a tantrum when we're very young and that it worked, or our flight mode,

we learn to make ourselves invisible or to accommodate. We've been doing it for a really long time. So the neuropathways and the patterning in us is really well established. that's another reason that what we call these false refuges, these ways that we get caught in a trance dance with others, really pretty deeply grooved. Now, the next two are equal in how strong they are

and how much they imprison us that lock us in. One is the habit of thinking that we're right. when we're caught in these, we very strongly believe in our rightness. And that story that we're right is really, really compelling. So somebody judges us. I'm going to use the same example.

And, you know, he's got no right to blame me for this late charge. I paid on time. It's a company's fault. He's always uptight with me. I'm not putting up with this anymore. or this righteous feeling of I'm not, I'm going to draw my boundaries and I'm going to set him straight and he's always doing this and I'm right and he's wrong. So that's one of the places where we get into this righteousness.

And righteousness is always a setup for continued looping. Whenever we have the pattern of thinking we're right, the very next time something happens, we lock right into I'm right, you're wrong. and go into the exact same behavior patterns. Okay, so the I'm right approach gets us in a lot of trouble. The other one that's equally imprisoning, can you guess it? I'm wrong. I'm bad. As much as I'm right, I'm wrong gets us in trouble.

Neither one of them works. If it's I'm wrong, we feel judged and on some level, he's right. I do keep screwing up. Okay, I'll take care of it. And we get defensive, we get withdrawn, and we're in a loop because that too causes trouble. It causes separation. Either way, in the trance dance, whether we think we're right or we're wrong, we are perpetuating a sense of separation in our behaviors. So again, I want to remind you that these patterns are set in very early, and it was our best.

option back then it just was it was it was the one that we found was it got us what we needed safety or love or in the moment some relief so I want to remind you of a story that I find helpful when I start thinking about well how do we step out of these and the story is that's about 12 years ago now there was a change in weather in Thailand and there had been this enormous clay statue of a Buddha that had been revered for centuries and centuries and it was not a beautiful statue this was a it wasn't particularly handsome but it had just it was loved for its endurance it had survived the centuries it's covered by plaster and clay but it

survived different rulers or it survived invading armies it survived different storms battles So, as I mentioned, there was a change in climate or weather, and some years back now, there was a very dry season, and a crack appeared on this plastered clay Buddha. And one enterprising monk took his pen flashlight and peered in to see what the infrastructure might be. And what shone back at him was the light of gold. So he looked in another crack. And again, gold. And as it turned out, because they took off the plaster clay covering, it was the largest pure gold statue of the Buddha in Southeast Asia.

And now people come from all over to visit it. But what's interesting to me, the monks believe that it was covered in plaster and clay to protect it through difficult times. much in the same way we cover over our innate purity as we're going through difficult times coming into a time on earth that's difficult in terms of our society or culture, family. It's not easy being born on planet Earth. So we develop our armoring, our defenses, our strategies,

and we develop them very, very early and they're meant to help us get through and then they become kind of solidified. They get kind of caked on and the sad thing is that we forget the truth of who we are and we become identified with the coverings. So we become identified as the victim

or as the controlling boss or identified as the needy one or the overreactive one. That feels like a sense of that's who I am. And when we're in that trance and it's playing out, we've lost sight of the gold. You know, we've lost sight of that wisdom and purity

that's really our essence. We're in a trance. So like all false refuges, this covering is something to forgive. It's not our fault. It's universal. Everyone has the conditioning to protect themselves in these ways. And they give relief.

But what we find out is as natural it as it is that we develop this, you know, our own version of the plastered clay covering, it's also our birthright and our nature to recognize that's what's happening, to unmask ourselves, to take off that covering, and let that which is our purity shine. not all at once, not in ways that feel too dangers or scary. And yet that's our commitment. Our commitment, and we plays out with each other,

our commitment is to take the chance and begin to dismantle or deconstruct the defenses. One of the biggest realizations many people have is that the role that they're playing that in some way is so comfortable and familiar is actually preventing what they most long for. The accommodating is preventing the true intimacy. The controlling is preventing it.

Some weeks ago, Brooks, who writes New York Times editorialists, had a very cool kind of article where he had invited people that were over 70 to talk about things they had realized in their life. And one of the ones I thought was most interesting was this one. David Leshen made an observation that was echoed by many. You can't control other people.

He says it took me 20 years of my 50-year marriage to discover how unwise it was to attempt to remake my wife. I learned also that neither could I remake my friends or students. So this is speaking a little. little to one of the most basic flaws in our way of looking at things when we're caught in a trance, which is that the other should be different. And it doesn't matter how right we are, that how they are is causing harm or trouble, the should is an argument with reality. Like they are as they are. And should doesn't.

matter. It doesn't matter that we think they should be different. In fact, often when we think someone should be different, we communicate and behave in ways that consolidate the way they are, that bring up more defensiveness, that actually make it more difficult for that person in their natural way to transform or grow or heal. Should is a word that as we start waking, up we can start paying more and more attention to because it's a flag. It means we're caught in trance. So then the question comes well, but what if a person is acting in a harmful way? And if we want to break out of the trance dance, we can communicate our experience. We can create whatever boundaries we need to create. This whole exploration that we're doing tonight

together isn't one that says that we should let ourselves be hurt by others. It's how do we respond wisely and not play our old patterns out as we have. We can communicate, we can create boundaries, we can negotiate what's workable, but if we try to demand or insist that a person be different than they are, it's not going to be helpful. This is really a pragmation. thing. This is not a moralistic thing. It's just not going to be helpful. So mostly what I see with partners and siblings, with people with their parents or their children, is that as soon as we're trying to have a person behave a certain way or be a certain way, we've closed our own heart. In those moments, we're not offering the presence that really communicates love. That's the bottom line.

in the moment that we're trying to change someone, we're not offering them loving presence. So how do we experiment and find a way out of the trance? And we'll look at it in a few different ways, but I'd like to begin with a guided practice that I find helpful. And if you've been with me at a day long, you might have found that we did it. And it's one of those that I find you can do very, very frequently to good effect.

So, come sitting in a way with your eyes closed that you can bring your attention inward. So as you close your eyes, just let your attention rest in the breath. And sense a natural way that you can scan your life so that you can let come to mind some recurring situation. Or you end up reacting in a way that you might regret. Some situation that might occur regularly or regularly. are regularly enough, where you know you go into some kind of a trance, some kind of a reactivity that's not helpful.

The reaction might be what you say or what you don't say, the tone of voice, what you do physically. It might be more subtle, more energetic. So letting a situation come to mind and as if you're watching a movie, let it unfold until you get right to the spot right to the frame in the movie

where you're most emotionally stuck or you're most reactive and just pause it there so you can kind of take in the elements of the situation what's going on that's provoking you that's distressing

that's upsetting in other words let yourself feel fully what's happening but don't go into any behaviors as you're watching the movie just freeze the frame and now imagine that as you've you're pausing this movie

that you could step away that you could instantly be transported to some peaceful safe spot outside of the room maybe outside of the house or building but someplace that's safe or peaceful that's away

and that you can take a few breaths and sense that in this space you're in this more safe space and it may be a lovely space a piece a real beautiful space but it's a safe space mostly that you're about to meet a being who's

very wise who's very filled with compassion and just sense who appears it might be Kwan Yin the Bodhisattva of compassion might be Jesus or Mother Mary or Dalai Lama could be somebody you know personally perhaps a grandmother or child maybe it's your dog just sense who's there, who appears, some being of wisdom and kindness. And this being wants to help you. It's going to take over for a while by inhabiting your body. So just imagine that this being energetically is inhabiting your body.

So that clarity and kindness enters into you. You're now inhabited by this being, and you're the invisible witness, okay? Because you're going to first notice how does it feel in your body? when this being of wisdom and kindness is really inhabiting. Just notice what changes your heart, your mind, your body. Now you're going to be transported back into the situation, but this being is really the one that's going to be guiding things. Notice how this being has you respond,

this wisdom and clarity that's living through you. How this being has you respond. What, first of all, what the intention is when you reenter the situation. What intention does this being bring to the situation? What's the hope for outcome? And what is this being perceived about the others involved? What does he or see or perceive or intuit? Just notice what here she says or does.

Now, how does this being help guide you through this situation? And when it's complete, you might sense that you could again kind of remove yourself from the situation and that you're going to switch again so that you're breathing and feeling yourself inhabiting your body, your heart, your senses. And listen. Just listen. Because this being who has guided you is now going to whisper in your ear some words of advice, some message, some something that. that's valuable for you to remember. So just listen. You might imagine how in the days to come, the weeks to come, when this situation arises that you can pause

and remember what matters, that you can have access to this wisdom of your heart. So opening your eyes. Let me just ask you a few questions just to get a little feeling for what might be in the room. Who did you notice came? I mean, let's just hear a few people. Just raise your hand and I'll point and just speak loudly if you can.

Who appeared to you? Yeah. My grandmother. Ah, your grandmother. Uh-huh. Good. Yeah. Your godmother.

Lovely. Yeah. Anyone else? Yeah, please, in the back. Peter Gabriel. Good, good. I'm glad he was there. Who else?

There's a lot of us here. Any other? Yeah, on the back. Yoda. Yeah, Yoda. I've had Yoda come before in groups. Anyone else? Harry Potter. Dumbleheart?

Thank you. Let's hear a couple more. It's interesting to hear, yeah. Pegasus. This is an interesting crowd here. Nobody had the Dalai Lama. Yeah. You had the Dalai Lama.

Okay. He's usually there. So let me ask another question. There's so many things I could ask you. What did it feel like when you had that sense of a being in your body and so on? But just if a few people might say what message you got, that can be very interesting to hear. You did the best you could. So if that's the reminder, it's beautiful.

Yeah. You are safe. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Love yourself. Beautiful. Yeah?

Those people don't know you. Don't let it affect you. Yeah. Yeah. You are that. You are the one. So you are the one that was guiding you? Okay.

So how many of you noticed that? That the guide that you met was also who you are, your own highest self. Can I just see by hands? How many? Okay. So this is, thank you very much for my segue. The reason we do this is not so that we, every time we get stuck, we think, okay, I've got to have some great spirit, you know, Gandhi, Dalai Lama come in and take over for me. If you found that you had a sense, an intuitive sense, on how to step out of the trance and respond in a wiser way, that's because,

that wisdom and that kindness is an intrinsic part of who you are. And that calling on an outside being is a very beautiful and skillful bridge to what's always and already inside us if we can get the knack of calling on it. And so that's where we're going for the rest of, we don't have too long, but for the rest of this exploration. And there's a few different pieces to how we can, contact the guidance from the inner goal, the radiance that's within us. How do we call on that? And the first, probably most important piece when we're in the thick of these situations is we have

to slow down. We have to slow it down. What happens when we get the limbic system triggered and the emotion strong is that we actually want to go faster into our response. We want to more quickly tell the person what's wrong with them, or more quickly get the hell out of there. And so it goes against our conditioning, and yet the very thing that's most important is that we pause, that we slow it down. I so often use that phrase that between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. And in that space is your power and your freedom. that between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. And in that space is your power and your freedom.

If you can slow it down, you can begin to tap into the consciousness that you really would most want to call on. If you can slow it down. So that's the first step. And I remember when I first started teaching about the pause, I remember somebody who was one of the, beloved AA sponsors, a lot of folks that come here are part of 12-step programs, describe, he said he compared the five seconds

of the sacred pause to attending a year of meetings. Because if we can pause, we have a chance to step out of trance. Very, very powerful. So that's the first step, is that we pause. And the second step is that

in that pause, we have the courage to check in and sense what's really going on inside me right now. When we're entranced, the conditioning is that we're fixating on what our stories are and what we're seeing outside of us. So again, it takes, we're undoing trance by saying, oh, what's happening inside me? And that means can we feel what's going on in our bodies, feel the racing heart, feel the squeeze at the chest, feel the heat.

Can we even sense what we might be believing? I'm believing that you couldn't respect me. or else you wouldn't be acting that way. I'm believing that I always blow it. You know, can we sense what we're believing that we've locked into? Because the belief is driving our experience there. So that's the second part is what's happening inside me. And right hand in hand with that is trying to be kind to whatever we discover.

So if what's happening inside me is this incredible rage, and underneath that is this depth of hurt that once again I've been rejected. Can we just pause enough to say, okay, this is really painful, ouch, and offer some kindness? The next thing, we look and see what is going on for that person.

We have some interest. We're more interested in understanding than being right. That's a big one. So there's some inquiry going on. What might be going on for this person? Feeling insecure in some way, feeling hurt themselves, feeling in some way sidelined, feeling, you know, anxious and needing to control. What's going on for this person?

Then finally, because we've had a chance to sense what's true, we say, what really matters? That question can transform your relationships if you ask it at the right time. What really matters here? What really matters? Because again, when we're in our reactivity of trance, what matters is proving we're right or getting safe in the moment. But when we've checked in and sensed what's really going on with ourselves or others,

often what matters shifts to being, please may we find a way to touch understanding, our love, our peace, please. May that be so? That's the intention. So those are the steps is that we pause. We sense what's going on inside us with kindness. We sense what's going on with the other with kindness. We sense our intention. And then we begin the simple experiment of what will serve. And it's an experiment. If you can find yourself when you're caught in anger and instead of saying the words, pausing for even 20, seconds and not knowing where you're going, not knowing what you're going to say, it will be, it has almost this outlandish feeling of like the whole universe is spinning out of control, but it can break a habit of a lifetime. So we pause and we check in. Now for most people, there's usually no experimenting. We stay in these trances until there's some sort of a crisis, until for some people it could be a divorce is impending.

For some it could be that I know with one woman she got cancer and she only had a young child and her mantra became no time to rush. You know, instead of being that hard driving and the kids behind her saying, Mama, Mama, please, please. No time to rush because it was a crisis. She changed her dance.

for one father whose teen son was just he was tracking his grades online which is how it happens now there was slumping his kid was unmotivated he would just go around

permanently with a headset on and so this father just took to he just couldn't restrain himself from the cryptic remarks and the judgments and then from grounding him to try to get something to change he was afraid for him

the more he did his behaviors the more his son withdrew And it wasn't until his son almost overdosed on drugs, almost died, that he shifted and he paused. He did not, he committed himself to not saying anything until he had paused. At the beginning he had a pause and just count. But then he paused. And in that pause, what he found going on for him, a deep sense of powerlessness and fear. what he saw going on for his son,

a kind of despair and depression and confusion that broke his heart. When he saw that, then he began his different tact, his experiment, because of course what his intention was was to help. His new tact was to find out, ask questions, what's happening for you? What is going on? To ask questions, to find out. and then to share his own feeling of care and powerlessness. It began to thaw.

His son began to step forward towards him too. So I read you a poem that I've shared before. This is Mark Nipo. And it very much addresses that when we're in this trance, we've got our covering on, our armor, whether it's defensive armor or aggressive. And Mark Nippo writes this. He says,

we waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time when we hesitate in being direct we unknowingly slip something on

some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which if not put down diminishes our chances for joy it's like wearing gloves every time we touch something and then forgetting we chose to put them on we complain that nothing feels quite real in this way our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves, but to unglove ourselves, so that the doorknob feels cold and the handle, the car handle feels wet, and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being soft and unrepeatable.

So we have each of us, just like the Golden Buddha, this covering. And what if, as a deep, in our path, there was this commitment to unglove ourselves some, to choose just one place, perhaps, because it never helps to think Okamana now in every relationship. I'm going to step out of the trance dance and I'm going to be real, you know, doing, it gets a little grand and it just falls flat and we have, then it's like an expectation we have on ourselves that causes trouble. But what if instead we chose one place?

where we felt like it really mattered to us that we want more intimacy or more realness and we just had this willingness to experiment just to experiment and sense what was possible if our commitment was just when we know the the sticky situations come just to slow it down some to start examining what was happening for ourselves for the other to explore what other behaviors might really bring us towards what we want. And what makes it work is if you practice it outside of the situation, if you run it through outside of the situation.

And often people ask me, well, it's not fair if I'm the only one. You know, what if, what about the other person? And there's two responses and one is maybe the other person would be game and if that's so great, have a mutual agreement to slow it down. I know many people that agree to have many timeouts, you know, just so they have the time to reconnect with that goal, with that radiance, with that wisdom inside. But let's say the other person isn't game. You have everything to gain in terms of your freedom and your peace by having it be something you're doing to step out of trance in your own life. The ripples always help.

It's hard to say exactly how. So if you just trust that when one person shifts, something else shifts. We're all interconnected. The patterning shifts. Minimally, you'll wake up and be more free from it. The reminders, watch out for I'm right or I'm wrong. Watch out for I should or you should. And most basically what I want to say is be really, really patient.

and forgiving because these patterns have been a part of our covering for many, many moons, and they have their own pace. All you need is sincerity that it matters to you to wake up out of the trance dance. All you need is that sincerity and that part of you that knows that that goal, that wisdom and compassion within you is what you want to try. turn towards. You want to call on that in this one relationship you're maybe going to focus on and ultimately in every part of your life. So with that, let's, we'll take a moment to have a closing meditation and just to say that should you dedicate yourself in this way to waking up out of a pattern this holiday season and beyond.

The main thing I can promise you is that life gets more interesting. It really does. Because, you know, it's boring to keep repeating ourselves. And it becomes a real adventure when you sense, even in the relationships where difficult stuff stirred up, that that's an opportunity to wake up out of something that has been keeping you identified with a very narrow sense of who you are, that that place could be a portal to coming home to your own vastness and depth and beauty.

Life gets interesting. So close your eyes, if you will. And just let yourself feel the moment. Let yourself feel your breath. Let yourself have come to mind situation perhaps you reflected on before, or if there's another situation in your awareness where you get caught with someone reactive. And again, just imagine you could freeze the action. You might make an interesting observation and this is something you can even remind yourself of that this reactive stance, this role that we take on, it's not who I am. You can even ask yourself, is this who I really am? Our wisdom knows

it's not. It's also not who the other person really is, that role that they play. So in this frozen frame, just take a moment to see beyond the roles and remind yourself of your own deepest and best intention. What is it you really long for? in this relationship, this interaction, and in all relationships. Can you see the other person in their role and see who's behind the mask there? See the Golden Buddha that's looking out through those eyes. It's as one teacher put it, he said, if you're feeling separate, just say you are God, I am God, that's all.

You might substitute the words, you're that sacred light, you're that awakened, heart, mind, I'm that, that's all. Not to deny that the conditioning's playing out, but to keep in mind the bigger picture. Helps us to dissolve the trance and live from truth. Namaste. Thank you. The talk you just listened to has been freely offered.

If you'd like to make a donation, learn more about my schedule, or about programs offered by the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, Please visit either my website, which is tarabrock.com, our IMCW site, which is IMCW.org. Thank you very much.