Tara Brach - The Infinite Game - From Self-Improvement to Spiritual Freedom

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

While meditation is widely practiced in today's world, many miss the opportunity to tap into its profound potential to awaken the heart and mind. Beyond its surface benefits, meditation can guide us to the radiant light, boundless love, and pure awareness that is our true nature. This reflection explores how we often lose touch with the deeper possibility meditation offers, and guides us in approaching practice and daily life in a way that opens us to the timeless freedom and awakening of a Buddha. In this week's talk, Tara explores: Ways that deepening our meditation practice can help us navigate personal and collective challenges with greater ease. The power of mindful presence to awaken compassion and build resilience in the face of difficulty. Self-compassion as an essential practice for healing and reconnecting with our inner goodness. The transformative role of spiritual community (sangha) in nurturing belonging and shared purpose. How the practices of mindfulness and self-compassion can help us awaken from habitual reactivity and find a greater sense of connectedness and freedom.

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely, and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Namaste. Welcome, friends. Thank you for being here. I am often asked questions about deepening meditation. You know, what will most serve on the spiritual path? And it's been even more frequent a question in recent months, and I suspect there are, are many of us that are just sensing how our world is regressing. There's a real darkness, you know, in states globally, and how urgently we need the light of human spirit to shine forth.

So meditation can be used in many ways, and it can be used in ways that range from tools to reduce anxiety and relieve stress, really to practices that range. reveal the timeless awareness and love that's our essence, practices that really free us to love without holding back. So we'll be looking together honestly at how meditation is serving us on the path, how it's serving or unfolding. And the reason I want to focus on this is because while Well, meditation is increasingly widespread in today's society, its deep potentials often not touched, and we get habituated and can stay more on the surface of the path. So today's reflection is on some of the deeper dimensions of what's possible.

And if you're new to practice, no worries. These are universal teachings and practices, and every one of us has a different. the potential to go really deep, more than we assume. One of my first retreats, I heard a story about a woman who decided to go to India to see the guru, and she calls her travel agent, and her travel agent who says, why don't you go to Florida like you usually do? But she makes the reservations and takes that long flight to India from the United States, then a long train ride across mountainous terrain. And while she's on the train, she meets people who actually have heard of this guru,

and they tell her that there's a ritual where a person coming to see him can only say three words. And she says, I know, I know all about that. She takes the bus ride to get to the encampment. And again, people are telling her on the bus, you know, you can only say three words. words. She gets there. There's a lot of people on this long line to see the gurus in a large tent. And again, she's reminded of the protocol. Finally, it's her turn. And she goes in to see him and there he is with his saffron robes and his wispy beard. And she says to him after looking him in the eye, Sheldon, come home. I've always loved this story. And this is. And this

This is way back, this was in the 1980s when I heard this, but it pointed to an illusion about the spiritual path that's really widespread, which is that true awakening, freedom, experiencing the fullness of love and light, enlightenment, it only happens to people long ago or people who are in exotic places and monasteries or maybe way down the world. the road for us after we've done that three-month retreat and made a great effort to improve a very imperfect self. The point is, most people do not trust that this is a possibility for us here now today, right, in this life. I remember at another early retreat, someone was giving a talk about who we really are, our true nature, sometimes called our Buddha nature,

the love, the light of awareness, that's our essence, that's more fundamental than any idea of a separate self or a personality. And then that teacher asked a question. I don't remember exactly how they phrased it. Something like, do you trust this? Do you trust that you have this Buddha nature, this intrinsic light and love? So I'd like just to pause here and invite you to reflect a bit on that question. And just to sense, you know, right now as I'm asking, do you trust that spirit, divine, this light, this love lives through you, lives through all of us? It's our essence. Do you trust the possibility of experiencing this, this beingness, that waking up and experiencing that light, love, awareness is possible?

Is this your longing? Is this your aspiration? So, for me, in those moments, when I was asked, my mind kind of said, sure, well, sometimes. Because certainly, you know, I tasted many times and had that deep longing to realize true nature. and I could see how many moments, how great swaths of my life, I was living inside a notion of a flawed self who was trying to be different and better, and I wasn't remembering that

possibility. I wasn't remembering this belonging to loving awareness, that it's here now always, can be realized in any moment. And the biggest indicator for me was looking back was in the first, years of spiritual practice after I joined an ashram, I would ask different spiritual teachers, so what else can I do to progress on the path? And they each in some way told me, just relax. Of course, that became my next practice. Okay, I'm going to relax. But of course, not really, because as you can pick up, this is the thing in meditation,

in spiritual life, I was enough identified with a flawed self who needed to progress that I was very hooked on doing, not relaxing. You know, I perceive myself on a path of fixing, improving, purifying an imperfect self. I recently saw a book title, Self Improvement, Ends in Death. It's kind of a limited track. So, okay, so you might be wondering what, so what, so what, trying to improve ourselves, but here's the thing. The urge for self-improvement is natural and it can be entirely healthy. And I've seen this in myself and so many, if it's running the show, if we're driven by a feeling of never enough, and we're always evaluating and judging our progress, our lack of, it keeps us in the identity of a limited flawed self on our way somewhere else.

It keeps us from sensing the possibility that freedom is here right now, that we can realize the deeper dimensions of being. So we get hooked, always trying to improve. I love this essay. It goes Japanese, the Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The French eat a lot of fat, and they also suffer fewer heart attacks. than the British or the Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and they suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Italians drink huge amounts of red wine and they also suffer fewer heart attacks than the above. The Germans drink a lot of beers and it goes on and on and on. The conclusion is, eat and drink what you like.

It's speaking English that kills you. So here we are, always trying to dial it in to be more perfect with this anxiety about imperfection. And it expresses as deflation often, you know, I'm flawed, something's wrong, and also inflation. I'm special, I'm important, I'm different. You know, I'm a meditator, I'm spiritual, my values are better, whatever. We're going to talk about this a little bit more, but I'm naming because whether it's inflation

or deflation, they both come from a deep sense of a lack of intrinsic value. There's insecurity. So with specialness you need to keep feeding it. More generally, I'm spending time in this domain because if we want to deepen on our path and not be caught in being automatic or habitual around meditation. We need to look honestly at how our judgments of ourselves, our sense of never enough, blocks the very presence that opens us to who we are, the very presence that gives rise to love and rise to freedom. And we do get so habituated with thinking we're trying to get somewhere else be somebody better that we forget what's possible right in this moment. So again, I'd like to pause and we'll just do a little bit of reflecting.

I'd like to offer some inquiries that can help us just to take a clearer fresh look in how we're approaching meditation. Is it a more limiting self-improvement tool? are we really on a path of waking up, of deep spiritual realization? And so maybe the first question I'll ask you, and if it helps you to close your eyes, take a few full breaths, please do, just a sense whenever you sit for formal practice, or even informally as you approach just the sense of being on a path of meditation or of spiritual awakening, what is your intention? What is your intention in a daily way around meditating?

In other words, are you trying to fix something or improve something about yourself or feel better about yourself when you sit down to meditate? Are you hoping to get rid of anxiety? or some other unpleasantness? Are you going for a certain enjoyable state like peace or calm? Ours the aspiration in a very conscious way towards presence, towards that unconditional, full presence that lets us see what's true, that lets us really open and wake up our hearts. Just notice, what's your intention? And as you do, you might also notice, but when you meditate, you feel a need to achieve something, to change something, to get somewhere. You're trying to arrive at some destination. Or is there more that

openness and allowing just what is? Notice if you're judging yourself during or after meditation. Maybe judging parts of your meditation were bad or that you had a good meditation. Or is there more generally in acceptance and honoring of whatever happens, trusting it's part of the path. Do you have an idea of becoming a better version of yourself through meditation? Are is that meditation is actually helping you to realize who you already are? Are you searching for something out there that's beyond you in the future or in some larger space somewhere? or is there a sense of relaxing back into the loving awareness that's already right here, present inside you?

Do you feel like you're trying to get somewhere? Or rather, are you coming home into presence? Different ways of asking the same question. Just to add a kind of perspective. This is from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. no matter where or how far you wander, the light is only a split second, a half breath away. It's never too late to recognize the clear light. As you sense that, you might sense, am I open to the possibility that the light, the love, the

awareness, that is my essence, is here now and available? And if you trusted that, that this awareness is already within, how would that affect this moment, this life? So it may have been that with some of the questions, it became more clear to you that, yeah, you're trying to get somewhere, you're missing some presence, or maybe it deepened your sense of, oh, okay, this is naturally evolving in a way that is bringing me. home in a way that I really honor and I'm grateful for. The key part of deepening on the path that I want to emphasize today is that the possibility for freedom is a half-breath-of-way. It's within you. It's within all of us. And that the more we become mindful of how our anxiety about imperfection and our chronic efforts to change, to control our experience, try to get somewhere, actually interfere with relaxing back and discovering what's already here.

And I shared my early experience about being told to just relax. I love that word just. How contrary that was to my effortful meditations and my effortful way of living life, really kind of striving. And this has changed and I feel really grateful for that. and I have witnessed in my own life and with so many others it's it's been gradual for most of us but this significant shift from doing to being from trying to improve a flawed self to more of that letting go and relaxing back and with this there really is a growing trust that the

essence of who we are, that light, that love, that spirit is a split second, a half breath away. For one woman, I met with her the last retreat I taught, a woman in her late 60s, and she told me that she had spent decades struggling with a harsh inner judge. And she said, you know, I'm finally realizing I don't have to do anything. The peace is possible when I stop doing, when I truly let go into the moment. And she said, I wish I could have whispered into my younger selves' ear, relax. You can stop trying so hard. Just trust. It's all right here. I'll share a personal experience that's continued to guide me. I've taught and I've written about how along with being flawed, we also get hooked on wanting to feel or feeling special.

And about 15, 20 years ago, I had this growing awareness of being caught in self-importance. And I labeled that part of me a special person. And as I labeled it, I felt a huge amount of self-judgment, real aversion towards special person. And I kept watching her come up. I mean, she'd come up in my interactions with Jonathan, this assumption that he should do the shopping, I'm just too busy preparing some important talk. Of course, he was busy also preparing talks probably. Saw a special person in the form of pride at receiving certain invitations or flattering emails. I'd come back from teaching something I belatedly

see the way I'd been kind of inhabiting the persona of some assumed specialness. And then, of course, I'd feel the pain and shame at how self-importance was really creating separation, how it was an illusion that was suffering. So here's the thing. I really wanted to get rid of a special person. I mean, it felt yucky. Really all about privilege and entitlement, really unpleasant to experience that identity. So I was using my meditation, trying to get rid of a special person by.

being mindful and catching the appearances of special person by trying to be compassionate towards special person, forgiving, you know, wise strategies. And this persona is very, very relentless, the thoughts, the feelings kept arising. So the turning point, which is why I want to share you. I remember one meditation, I was sitting right over there in my room, the whole persona kind of came up and I could just feel the egoic war of part of my ego, identifying a special person, another part of my ego, thinking that I was a bad person to have that happen and I just wanted freedom. And there was in that suffering this gentle voice saying, sweetheart, please just stop fighting,

stop trying to control, stop trying to figure it out, just let go. And in some way, and it was literal, I kind of bowed my head, you know, it's like surrendering, just letting reality be as it was. That was it. It was just letting be. And in that kind of collapse of doing, the struggle stopped in a way that everything dropped away. Words, ideas, a sense of trappedness, there's just this profound quietness than a tiny

thought, creeped in, look what I did. Oops, she's back, you know. But again, part of me was just aware and kind of smiled and surrendered again. And again, that quietness just knew that as home. And so there was that kind of relaxing back and resting in that space. And of course, over the months that followed, that person, a special person would appear, as did times of deflation and feeling flawed and they actually went together because when a special person would come there was like, oh.

But there was a profound increase in noticing with kindness, with humor, and then that deep letting go, letting be, letting go of the clench, the fixation on the thoughts, a surrendering presence. And I found over time that the stories of inflation and deflation became less and less sticky. You know, I wasn't believing in the self and the story. I wasn't believing that's who I was. I wasn't believing that a flawed self or a special self was who I was, which made all the difference because then I was resting in a much larger field of shared awareness, shared love, shared light. Like that woman in the retreat,

we don't have to try so hard. It's more about letting go of the doing, relaxing, finding that what we long for, the presence, the quietness, the openness is right here in being. So for me, that was the takeaway, this letting go into being,

and that everything I long for, moments of awakening, freedom, love, oneness, wonder, peace. It all, it doesn't come from effort. It comes from that surrendering, that natural presence, that being. There's a story I love sharing about children in an elementary school art class. They're all doing drawings and one little girl's really immersed in what she's doing. So the teacher stands behind her watching and then asks her what she's, she's drawing. And the little girl says, I'm drawing God. And the teacher chuckles and said,

well, honey, nobody knows what God looks like. And without pausing, without missing a beat, she said they will in a moment. And I often think of John O'Donohue says that we manage our life so fully as to forget this great mystery that we're involved in. We're so busy doing that we forget the mystery of being. We forget who we really are and we forget the possibility of living from that sacredness, that presence. There's a quote from James' course that helps me remember a larger possibility. He writes this. He says, we play the finite game to win and the infinite game to keep playing. We play the finite game to win and the infinite game to keep playing. So for me, what's helpful about this is I'll periodically pause in the middle of meditation or

daily life and just ask myself, how is this the finite game? How is this about a self trying to get somewhere, improve, achieve, win, you know. And so quickly I'll see the trance that I've been in of the doing self, whether it's through thinking or judging or in some way trying to make life different or better, check things off the list. And as soon as I see it, then there's a sense of kindness and presence and this kind of paradigm shift. because I start remembering a larger possibility.

I mean, if we see the finite game, the self and the trans, it's operative, just seeing it reminds us of this infinite sea of awareness and love and beingness that includes the finite waves, but it's not limited by them. We're not in trance. So, if we look at our lives and we're honest, we'll notice the trans. of the finite, that forgetting through and through, and it's characterized if we really pay attention by a kind of contraction, a clench of the doing self. It's a clench of thinking and controlling, and you might think of it like a tight fist, that there's a tightness in

us. And true meditation isn't doing something. It's actually an unclenching of the fist. It's an undoing of the contraction, a relaxing. I'll just say that again. The true meditation, meditation that really lets us know our home in the infinite is not a doing. We're not trying to get somewhere. We're unclenching, undoing the tightness so that we can rest in the boundlessness and the sacredness of what's right here. It's an undoing. The primary clench that we undo is that fixation on thought. It might not seem like a contraction, but when we're inside the

cloud of thought, there's a tightness. Our world has shrunk. We're inside something smaller, and we're identified, and we're not inhabiting the fullness of our presence. David Foster Wallace calls this living inside a skull-sized kingdom. Living inside a skull-sized kingdom. I think we can get that. That's a contraction. The most fundamental contraction that we live in, the most fundamental clench, is this organization around a sense of self, that it's the self that's inhabiting that skull-sized kingdom.

live in our heads, in this isolated ego self that's looking out anxiously at the world. Contraction. So it becomes really powerful to start noticing how this self is the protagonist in all our narratives, that there's this contraction and inhabiting the small sense of the one who's the doing person, who's the agent, who's the recipient of experience. me, me, right at the center, who owns his life, the self on a path that's progressing or failing. So life gets interpreted through this lens of I, me, mine, and it's a contracting filter. It blocks out the larger, infinite sea of awareness.

We forget what else is possible. And in case this sounds out there, you've touched the freedom. beyond self, the infinite, or you really wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be here if you hadn't tasted it, if there wasn't a place in you that intuits it, that longs for it. It's in the sweetness of we. In any moment there's that softening or melting into the we sense. That's an unclenching of the fist, that feeling of belonging to others or to the natural world. So many of us feel like, well, I don't have religion except nature, because we sense that belonging, that the elements of nature,

the elements that make us up are one, you know. And so when we feel that, there's an unclenching of the fist, that tight self dissolves, which feels delicious. We feel it in moments of wonder and awe and love and gratitude. I mean, in each of those moments, that contracting filter of self softens and the world opens up, we're inhabiting a larger sense of being, that mystery beyond self. And it happens in the stillness and silence of meditation. Srinasar Gadata says, love tells me I'm everything.

Wisdom tells me I'm nothing. And between the two, my life flows. We may not experience that all the time, but there's something in us that knows the truth, that there's a larger reality. And when we're living in a self-centered world, we're contracted. So we long for it. And daily we get hooked and we forget our larger belonging. I often think of the story I told in the beginning of radical acceptance about

Mohini, the tiger, who spent a lot of years in the D.C. Zoo, just kind of pacing the cage, you know, 8 to 15 feet, I don't know, but finally they created this vast natural environment for her. And zoologists and naturalists were really excited to take her out there and release her into it. And she immediately went to a corner of the compound and just started pacing 10 to 15 feet until it was bare of grass, just the size of the cage. The condition was to stay in the finite. Okay, so the last part of what we'll explore are the practices

that help us remember and wake up to the infinite. And they begin and end with aspiration with the practices of remembering what matters to our heart that our hearts long to feel loving. We love love, we love truth. We long to feel that sacredness in ourselves and all beings. This is what matters to us. And we longed for it for the sake of all beings.

We know that the more we wake up love, the more we wake up our own hearts, the more it naturally ripples to all. So there are many, many practices that create the grounds for awakening. And we've explored them together, you know, for those that have been practicing for years, you know them. Mindfulness of the breath, body scanning, concentration, loving kindness, the rain practice,

all of these help us as they set the ground for realizing the infinite, the sacred, the divine. And when the mind's busy, when there's emotional charge, these are the practices that help to create the atmosphere that allows us to start touching real freedom. Today I'd like to emphasize as we're getting towards closing, the practice we're going to explore is actually meant for when you're more calm and you're not emotionally reactive. really the liberation that comes from not doing anything, from natural presence. It involves not an effort. Instead, it's a relaxing the clench of doing. This is true meditation, relaxing the clench, relaxing into being non-conceptual, non-doing awareness. And I want to just, before we

practice name the two domains of relaxing the clench that will really tune into the two domains that really help us re-inhabit wholeness, the sea of being. And the first is relaxing thought contractions. Again, we don't think of them as contractions, but they are because when we're in a thought cloud, we're not remembering the sky of awareness. And the practice is the only effort is the intention to notice the contraction of thinking. Because if you're mindful of a thought, if you realize it's happening, just the very moment of realizing that, you're inhabiting the sky that's aware of the cloud. You're not inside the cloud anymore. You have begun to really relax the clench. So you're more resting in the non-conceptual presence that's larger than the movie in the mind.

So that's the first unclenching of thoughts. And the second is relaxing the clench of the sense of self. And as I say that, you might say, well, that doesn't land because it's more subtle. We tend to not be aware of that sense of self. It's a mix of thoughts and a felt sense. And as you get quieter, you might have noticed as you're meditating, perhaps that there's a sense of the ghost self kind of a self in the background, the one that's directing the meditation, you know, the one who's having the experience. I am feeling this. This is happening to me.

It's possible to sense the location and the feeling of that self-sense. And if you're mindful and you begin to notice it just like with thoughts, there's a natural unclenching of it. There's a natural relaxing and dissolving back into the whole of awareness. And no worries. I mean, there's sometimes a fear. What am I going to do without my sense of self? It's there in potential. When you need a sense of self, it'll be there.

And it's precious and profound to discover your beingness without the filter of self. This is Srinar Sargata. He says, as you watch your mind, you discover yourself as the watcher. When you stand motionless, only watching, you discover yourself as the light behind the watcher. Relax back, abide there. Non-doing, non-conceptual, natural presence. It's our true home. This practice helps guide us in unclenching. We're going to practice now. So I invite you to If you aren't already in a position that's comfortable, that's alert. This isn't long, but I want you to be, have your posture in a way that support you.

So take a moment to find that posture, making those subtle adjustments. And then as you come into stillness, you might lower the gaze or close your eyes, so you can turn your attention inward. Perhaps notice the movement of the breath. Let yourself connect. Just this moment with the experience of being right here. You might feel your heart and sense your aspiration. What matters?

Even in these moments, what matters? What does your heart long for? Let your senses be awake. So there's an awareness of listening so that you're seeing, whether it's darkness, flickering light, whatever you're seeing, awareness of seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling. And again, just listening. Let your senses be awake.

And with the listening, be aware of the space, the boundlessness that includes sound, the awareness that's listening, and feeling sensations in the body, and being aware of the awareness that's feeling. It's perceiving sensation, the inner space of awareness. And since that is continuous space, the awareness that's inside you and around you, continuous space filled with the light of awareness, a wakeful openness within which sounds and sensations are appearing from Tibetan Buddhism, this phrase can guide you.

Utterly awake, senses wide open, utterly open, non-fixating awareness. And if your mind fixates on a thought when there's awareness of that, you just sense a letting go, a relaxing open, from the cloud back to the sky, the limitless awareness that includes the thought, but it's not limited to it. utterly awake, senses wide open, including sounds, sensations, utterly open, non-fixating awareness, allowing the changing flow. Now with curiosity, you might notice, is there any sense of self-directing or experiencing right now? You might sense sensations that are prominent and ask yourself, Is there an eye that is experiencing this?

An eye this is all happening to. And you might sense where that eye is. Is it in your head or in the chest? Or maybe in the space behind your body or above your head? The eye that's witnessing, where is it? Is there a feeling that goes with it? Maybe you might explore further, what's witnessing this in the light

behind the witness inviting everything that's here to dissolve into the light-filled space of awareness and waxing back utterly awake senses wide open listening feeling utterly open non-fixating awareness noticing what it's like to let life be exactly as it is sensing the awareness that's receiving these sensations and sounds, the awakeness, the openness, the tenderness of this awareness, this awareness that's more the truth of what we are than any story, any finite experience of self. You might feel as we close your heart's prayer for homecoming to truth, to love, and that this homecoming might serve. the healing and freedom of all beings.

We need to play the finite game. It's part of being human. And there is no freedom unless we realize our true home, that formless, spirit, love, the wholeness of being. And this capacity to inhabit our true belonging is innate. It's possible. I mean, the Buddha said, I would not have taught you this path unless it was possible.

The gateway to freedom is really a letting go, a letting go of the clench of thoughts, of self-sense of any controlling and doing. It's a relaxing back into natural presence, as Angela Silesius put it. God whose love and light is everywhere can't come to visit us unless we are not there. It's this knowing of who we are beyond form, really trusting our formless spirit that allows us to age and die with grace. I think of the young woman 26 years old who I accompanied this year some during her last weeks of life.

She had deeply touched the infinite, this loving presence that held her life. life. And she still did everything she could to live on the finite level she did. And her dad beautifully shared how in those last days that surrendering into dying and feeling, how she's the feeling she had of being so held in love, trusting. So knowing our true nature, the infinite formless, allows us to let go into dying and into living our moments fully, loving fully, without tension against what's to come. Knowing our belonging gives us a fearless heart and the wisdom and courage we need, especially in current times

and responding to our world. So I'd like to close by just inviting you to explore these practices, these direct practices of natural presence. For sure, begin. your practice with whatever helps you most arrive, concentrating or mindful of the breath, doing some metta, whatever serves you. But see if you can give even a short time each set for letting go of all doing and discovering the sacredness of being. All right, friends, thank you so much for your presence, for your good hearts. Love and blessings.