Tara Brach - The Revolution of Tenderness - Part 2 (2016-12-21)

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

The Revolution of Tenderness - Part 2 (2016-12-21) - These two talks explore our capacity to be tender - sensitive and responsive to ourselves and others. This capacity marks a radical evolutionary shift from a self-centered existence shaped by fear, to a life lived from the realization of our collective belonging and the preciousness of all life. The talks examine the conditioning that inclines us toward dissociation and emotional reactivity, and the practices of presence that evolve our heart and awareness.  

Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com. Tonight is the solstice and it's really a treat to be reflecting together on this night we're energetically through all the centuries. Humans have tended to find there is a real invitation to go inward. And I thought I'd start with a story that I found in a children's book a few weeks ago and it describes this really ancient cranky old monk who I live for decades alone in a cave and he's living this kind of cloud of gloom where he had kind of, his face was etched into a sour

scowl and from his mountain perch he'd look out and see the world and think of just the senseless wars and the poverty and the illness and really death. And it hardened his heart. It kind of just made him cut off. So occasionally he'd go out and begging with the fellow monastics and they'd remind him that while the Buddha really opened all the suffering in the world, he was also very cheerful and very content. And they'd say, don't you remember Buddha says life's impermanence.

So if you're always glum, it'll be gone before you enjoy a minute of it. And one day he was especially morose. people were saying, what happened? Did somebody die? And his response would be well, is there anything that doesn't? And then he'd walk off, you know, real downcast. He's kind of like Eeyore, you know, in Winnie the Pooh. Okay. So one of the things he would do in his cave was create sand mandala's, which is made out of colored sand and different semi-precious stones. and one time he was doing that and a little mouse appeared and it tried to take a big hunk of turquoise out of his mandala that he was making. And so he addressed the, you know, he wasn't into harming creatures, he addressed very respectfully.

He said, furry sir, why trouble yourself so? This is not a morsel of food. And this mouse just continues with this determination. So then he grumbles, oh, you're just like other people gathering more things than we can use and then fighting wars over them. So the mouse scuttles away and the monk mutters, it looks like you have some sense. You've listened to reason.

But in moments the mouse comes back with a friend, a little accomplice, and they work together and they manage to move the gem. They kind of nudge it and push it. And finally they push it over to the edge of the table and they disappear with it. Victory, success, you know. So he's beholding this feat, and I'll read you.

It says the old monk's scowl broke. It began as a slight, yet irresistible upwards pull at the corners of his mouth. It spread to a noticeable twinkle in his eyes, and at last his frown released into a full-blown grin. It was the first in years. It seemed that even mice follow their heart's desire, whether it makes sense or not,

and he whispered a small, tender prayer, may all creatures large and small, near and far, have what they truly long for. And the monk had grasped something delightful and precious about life that he never understood before. So I begin with this because there is a basic goodness in life that life longs to live, longs to live, that all living beings long to thrive and to create and to love.

This animates all beings and it's not apparent for many reasons. and there's seasons that's particularly not apparent where that goodness gets torped and covered over by fears. So we can miss it if we're not present and available. And I wanted to start with this story because last week I did part one of a two-part talk on the revolution of tenderness and this is part two. It's okay if you weren't around or missed part one. They can stand on their own. But I love the phrase and the phrase the Revolution of Tenderness was something used by Pope Francis not so long ago to describe really this quality of heart that's our potential and that if we cultivate it

and live from it, it can be the healing of our world. This quality of a tender heart, that that's where really our strength comes from. And it gets cultivated and last week we focused on as we open to suffering, willingly have that courage to open to suffering, that tenderizes us. And the other way that we get tenderized is by remembering the goodness and the beauty. So anyone that's a social activist knows that there's burnout if all we do is focus on the suffering. It's just, it's burnout. It's because it's not the complete truth of things and our system gets tight. We have to open to suffering and we have to open to goodness.

Ruby Sales, who I've been quoting recently, she's a theologian and an activist, talks about how we're so quick to remember what we hate and what we're angry about. And she says, what's neat is we have to remember what we love. We wouldn't be angry and we wouldn't even feel hate if embedded in it wasn't some deep cherishing of something. And we need to go to what's embedded inside the hate and anger so that that's really the source of our action, so our actions really can be transformative.

It's really easy, and especially in spiritual life, I see this a lot. You know, the Buddhist, the first noble truth is their suffering. So the Buddhists tend to, like, can get grim about suffering, forgetting that the noble truths keep going. There's freedom from suffering. That's another noble truth. It's easy to get fixated like that monk and get gloomy. And one time Ticknod Han, great Zen teacher, was invited to visit the San Francisco Zen community.

And they were known as being incredibly rigorous. They really went for it. And they wanted him to come and offer some guidance. So he goes, he spends some time and they ask him, okay, how can we improve? And here's this response. you guys get up too early for one thing. You should get up a little later. And your practice is too grim.

I have just two instructions for you this week. One is to breathe and the other is to smile. So either we cut off by blocking suffering, you know, kind of pushing it away and not wanting to go there, are we cut off by not opening ourselves to the, to the mystery and the beauty that's here. And either way we're not resting in our wholeness, which means we're in a trance. If we can't open to the suffering and if we can't open to the goodness, we're in some sort of a trance and we can't respond with tenderness, which is really

where the healing is. Last class, as I mentioned, I spoke to how we really avoid unpleasantness, how we go into a trance by numbing out, by dissociating, by depressing, repressing, suppressing, how we try to get away and explore it how we could reopen. So, tonight's focus will really be how we can remember what we love, how we can tenderize by learning to see the goodness and express appreciation of care because it's two parts. One is to, it's like the breath. One is that we have to learn to receive and take in, oh, beautiful, you know. And the other is that we have to then express it if it's another person's goodness letting them know.

It's an incredibly gratifying and wonderful part of the path that we sadly don't often pay as much attention to. I'll share my own experience in it that I, that one of these times and places that I really felt like, okay, I want really my practice to be more focused on being able to see who's there and see the goodness and one friend told me, well, if you look for the color of a person's eyes, like take the time to see what color their eyes are, then you'll start really seeing behind the eyes that goodness. And one of the places I sometimes practice the, you know, really kind of taking in who's there and feeling that connection has been when I've done book signings. And you know, it's like I can't do a lot of chatting but I kind of just really

like to be able to pause and appreciate who's there. So it became kind of a ritual for me. But there's been a challenge that I encounter which is I have like many people, people a problem with names. I can meet somebody and tell you about their past relationships and about where they get stuck and where they're, you know, all sorts of stuff but God knows I cannot remember names and it's also a psychological block now. Like I just, like I'll ask somebody's name and some part of me stops listening and I'll pay attention to something else. So it gets really hairy when I'm signing books especially in my home community and I remember when True Refuge came out, I was really tense around doing the book signing because I knew somebody

would come up that I'd know very, very well, but I'd have just no idea of their name and smile and hand me the book and I'd smile and say, what, you know, who do you want me to inscribe this to? And they'd say, oh, me. And I'd go, oh. And so I started this like kind of cheating strategy where I'd say, how do you spell your name? because I'm bad speller. It's okay to be a bad speller. It's not okay to forget somebody's name

because that's part of what lets you know that you're appreciated when somebody remembers your name. So there I was doing a book signing and a woman came in front of me, a very, very dear person, a person I've known for years, and this happens. And it's like part of me is so anxious about it. I'll just forget on purpose or something.

So I pulled my strategy. You know, I said, how do you spell it? And she said, Jane. So I was, we both laughed. And I share with her, I said, you know, it's been my fear that Bob would come along and I'd say, how do you spell it? And, you know, and so we both laughed and thought that was pretty funny. And inside I was still feeling awful for forgetting her name.

But I really wanted to do a loving inscription. So I took her book. and before I knew it I had said to Bob. She still emails me and says love Bob. So when it comes to appreciating others, know that we're going to do it imperfectly. And it takes a certain courage because it's humbling that this process of seeing each other and yet it's a path worth doing. And the beginning of this training, because it is a training,

to get it, that we get fixated on what's wrong with ourselves and others. So it's a training to decondition that. So one of the first pieces in the training is just to really understand that we all have the same survival negativity bias. We've heard it a lot now, the term, but it's a trance, it narrows our lens and The negativity bias is just what you'd imagine, that we have this engine inside us of fear and discontent, that it's the primitive brain that's just basically geared to sense where trouble is going to be.

And we'd look for trouble in ourselves and we see what's asymmetrical about another's face right away or we remember if the person said anything ever that was a little critical or made us uncomfortable. We go for what's missing or wrong and certainly when things happen we kind of read in anything that can be a problem around the corner. Dave Berry writes, if you ever experience a medical symptom such as itching, you can go to the internet and within just a few mouse clicks you'll discover the reassuring truth. There might be a worm in your brain.

Really, Medline Plus, National Medical Library and NIH, itching can be a symptom of a condition called visceral larva migraines, literally a worm in your brain. Another symptom of brain worm is, and this is a direct quote for Medline, irritability. So I might just give up right now, we all have brain worms, you know? So I'm bringing this up, this negativity bias, because again if we're trying to start moving through the world more and more seeing that goodness, it's really important to recognize how much our minds are habituated to making whatever's happening into a problem. That whatever's going on, we have a frame around it that there's a problem here. And I can see it in my own

life. I go through seasons where I'm just a lot of balls in the air, a lot of things going on, and I add on to that and it feels like my life's in balance and I add on that there's something wrong with how I'm doing my life right now and that's the kind of like package it's in and if I can remember okay this is just this season and this is how it is and take off that this is a problem then it's just that I'm busy and it's okay but we call things a problem in our mind

and it goes with any physical discomfort all of a sudden that's a problem. It goes with another's irritability and how others are behaving, our traffic, our deadlines, or bills, like just normal daily stuff, we add on to it, this is wrong. It shouldn't be happening. It's a problem. We do it with our relationships when things feel like something's missing or with our performance at work or how a meal is or how a meditation goes.

If it's not quite the way we think it should be, a problem. Joseph Goldstein, who's one of the senior of a posse, a teacher, says, every time I think something is a problem, I decide it's not one. And when he first said that I thought, eh? And then I went, whoa. And I do that now. I catch when I'm turning something into a problem and some part of me says, well, I'm Not denying suffering, but what if I don't frame this as wrong?

What if I don't frame it as a problem? Now, when we've been traumatized, that makes it a permanent acute problem because the body is in fight-flight-freeze mode and the button's been jammed so we're on all the time and our survival brain is saying problem all the time. So just to know that, and if you haven't been traumatized, there's a lot of swaths of life that we're living in problem mentality. And the trance of negativity there went and it makes it very difficult to open the aperture and take in the good.

To the degree this part of your day or your life or your relationship is a problem, you can't, there's not that receptivity. Let's pause here and let me invite you to reflect and check out, check this out in your own life. You might sense just scanning today, yesterday and just notice how much of what you were paying attention to, there was that overlay, that framing, that something's wrong here, it's a problem, some dissatisfaction with a conversation or encounter, with something going on in a relationship, with how another person is behaving,

with how you're responding, something going on in your body. You might sense if you're carrying a problem in you right now, like there's something going on that feels very right here. One friend and teacher Lockelly has a wonderful inquiry. He says, if this is not a problem, problem, then what is happening now? Just check that out.

If this is not a problem, then what is happening now? The point isn't to get away from unpleasantness, sorrow. But what happens when we say if this is not a problem, then what's happening right now? Now the main target of the negativity bias is the self, something's wrong with me. You can open your eyes if you'd like or keep them closed. But we're pack creatures. So depending on how we got treated early on, if we were sensed a lot of belonging then there's going to be less of a sense of problem because problem comes from feeling separate and afraid.

There's a lot of connection, there's less of a problem. If there wasn't there's going to be more of a sense of problem and the problem is going to be to do with ourselves. So the more we felt belonging in our early days, typically the more we're not so down on ourselves. We tend to embrace ourselves. We kind of treat ourselves the way our caretakers treated us. That's one way to think about it.

And what happens early on is really important because the relational field actually affects how the synapses connect in the brain. So our brain gets formed out of our relationships with each other. So the idea here is that we are kind of in our problem mentality often down on ourselves because there was some disconnect early on and then it's very much amplified by the culture we're in. So to the degree that we didn't get the mirroring and the affirmation we needed, to that degree We need to be able to be trained to see the goodness in ourselves and we need to offer it to each other because most of us, most of our friends also have some deficit there.

So seeing the goodness is part of our healing. We need to remind each other. Most of us need some reminder of goodness. Now this isn't like one of those things with parenting that you're supposed to be always praising your kid. I mean there's a lot of research that shows that actually is very bad. mirroring, getting the value of another being and letting them know, we need it. So part of this training we're exploring is so that we can help each other and help ourselves

wake up out of that negativity bias and trust our goodness. Okay? And there's many ways of doing it, that people do it, to try to connect with each other and have that good feeling go and some of it works better than others. One writer from the New Yorker described how when his son turned 12 they lost their closeness and he wanted to be able to kind of bring it back but they just couldn't have a conversation. So he felt like he wasn't being that good mirroring positive parent. He says he stumbled on texting which he abhorred but he found that that was the only way

that he could have a connection with his 12 year old. So he caught on some and his son taught him some abbreviations and the one he says the one he did not have to teach me because it was so self-evident. was L-O-L. I knew right away what that meant. That was lots of love, because he put it at the end of, because he put it at the end of every message he sent to me.

And I thought, what a beautiful telegraphic abbreviation for the 20th century. It's like this little arrow of love you can send out at people, okay? So we're here, we're making up for all the negativity bias and the disconnect by sending out these LOLs. So he says, next six months he's got this infatuation. with instant messaging, and he says it's the power of emotional transmission.

He sent L-O-L to everyone he knew. His sister was getting divorced. So he writes to her, we're all behind you and we're all beside you, L-O-L, your brother. He says, my father got ill and I sent him. L-O-L in Canada. Everyone I knew at work and home, he says, sorry for the difficulty you're having, the different struggles, L-O-L, you know. Okay, so he says, it happened to be I-messaging his son at the airport,

and he's telling his son in the message how much he hates being away so often because he has to travel more because he has to make some extra money for the family and so on, and he signs it L-O-L and his son says, Dad, this is a response, what exactly do you think L-O-L means? lots of love obviously no dad so his world crumbled

he had to go through every message that he had sent LOL to divorcing people and sick people and make up so all that is to say that in this interest of being in our world and seeing the goodness and caring and expressing care

it needs some slowing down some deep attention I'd like to give you one story of mirroring and reminding another of their goodness and what happened. And then we're going to practice a little. I've got a few little practices I try to do before I close. And this is a dear person from our community who come to a number of retreats and he described coming to one retreat and he wrote to me the story because it had happened with

with me at this retreat and he had come in really, really kind of depressed and down on himself and the main thing basically for him was that he was convinced of bad personhood and was really caught in it. So I asked him, because he was doing all this mental looping that just was keeping him in this sense of something's wrong with me. So I asked him, well, has there been any times during these last few days at retreat where you felt at ease and more at home in yourself, good about yourself? And he had one memory and this was where he had a couple of days earlier during one of the

sittings he had seen a very small, short, older woman sitting in a chair and her feet were dangling and you know, uncomfortable that is if your feet don't touch the ground and he felt bad for her so he brought a cushion and went across the meditation home but the cushion by her feet and she was very happy to have that. And I said, that made him feel good. And so I told him that this was really a part of who he was, that when he helps others he becomes who he is because he was really lit up, it was beautiful to see him. And I also, because he was very articulate and he really, really into the practice, I said, your way of serving, you have the potential to serve by teaching.

I didn't realize how much that affected him, but I did end the conversation by telling him that it wasn't an accident to share that that old woman that he had helped out was my mother because my mother was at the retreat. So that kind of created more of the connections. Fast forward four years and he's now been teaching in prisons and he's teaching in prisons and he's teaching students and he shared a story with me about a very bright young woman, 17-year-old who had an unrelenting critical mind. They were at a retreat together and he asked her, so has there been any time during these last few days

where you felt you're kind of a peace with yourself, your mind was at ease? And she recalled a moment where she had made a very nice gesture to a fellow retreating. And in those moments he fed back to her, her goodness. And she softened and when she left the retreat she told them that in those moments she said, I felt like there was nothing wrong with me anymore. Just by being reminded. And so it is that we can, by reminding each other of our goodness, really dissolve a lot of deep and old conditioning.

Now, the biggest challenge comes when to be able to see the goodness really, the training is to see it where it's easiest, to start with where it's easiest, the people that you can just look at and you kind of light up and get used to that and let them know. And then to build on that and begin to, widen and widen to people that you don't know and people that are more difficult because there's this deep understanding that to really be happy and free means to not push anyone

out of our hearts, to not push anyone out of our hearts. Chogim Trunkpa says, never give up on anyone. In other words, can we see the goal that Buddha nature, even in those where what really is presenting is their fear. And you might think in your lives of people that you care about, but when they're suffering how hard it is sometimes because the expression of their suffering is unpleasant to be with. In other words, when somebody's having a hard time, often it comes out as they get self-pitying or victimized or martyred or they come out as angry and aggressive in blaming others, it's hard to be with the expressions of other people's suffering

and see past it to the goodness and yet the training goes there. And in a few minutes we're going to practice but I want to give you an example of where this goes to in terms of really being able to see past the conditioning to the lights that's there. Because if we can do that, we can be such a force for healing. So I'll share a story that those of you that have been with me will probably remember, but it's one of the stories that helps me remember the capacities of our heart. Part of the reason I like is I guess I can relate to, it took place right here in Washington, D.C.,

where a man who was running a rehab program for juvenile offenders described one situation where a 14-year-old boy had killed another young man in a gang to prove himself to his gang. And so at this trial of this 14-year-old, the victim's mother sat kind of impassively just watching the proceedings. But when the verdict was announced, she stood up and she looked at this 14-year-old that had killed her son and said, I'm going to kill you. So after the first half a year that this boy was in jail, she started visiting him. And she first went and she was the only visitor he had and so she left him some money

for snacks and so on and then she started coming more regularly giving food and small gifts. So here she is visiting this kid. He just didn't have anybody else. And so finally it's time for him to get out and she asks him where he's going to go and what he's going to do and because he doesn't know anybody she says look I've got a friend who's got a company you want to work for him, I'll set that up for you. So she sets him up to do that and then she offers him temporary use of the spare room in her home.

Okay so for eight months he lives there and he eats her food and works at the job and then one evening she calls him into the living room. room to talk and they sit down. She says, do you remember that moment in the courtroom when I said I was going to kill you? And he said, I sure do. She said, well, I did. I didn't want that boy who could kill my son for no reason to remain alive on this earth. I wanted him to die, which is why I started to visit you and bring you things. That's why I got you the job and let you live here in my house and that's how I said about changing you and that old boy he's gone. So now I want to ask you since my son is gone and that killer is gone if you'll stay here.

I've got a room and I'd like to adopt you if you let me. So she became the mother of her son's killer, the mother he never had. I've heard a lot of stories that have this same, that show the same potential of the heart to go through the most horrific losses and somehow or other have that willingness to still stay tender because this is what we're talking about. Can we stay tender? Not to close down, not to shut off the suffering, but to be able to. able to see, you know, I don't share this because we should all be able to do that.

I have no idea what my heart would do and what would be possible if I lost a dear one in those circumstances. But the teaching is we can develop our tenderness and our capacity and we start right where we are with the people around us that are easy. to offer our care to. And it is a practice offering care because we tend to hold back our loving. We're afraid to be vulnerable and express it.

It brings that kind of intimacy is scary. I'll share a final story and then we're going to practice a bit. And that is that when I was on a retreat some, you know, about four years ago, I was in the dining hall at the Forest Refuge and I saw an elderly gentleman, I was just kind of watching him and he looked gentle. He was a gentleman. He looked really gentle, really kind.

He was just very, I could feel the kind of the peace and the sweetness of his meditation. And at the Forest Refuge where I retreat, some folks have been there and people sit for long stretches. Some people sit for six months there. I was only there for a couple of weeks. So, I imagined, as he was sitting there, I imagined having him close his eyes and me going over there and kissing his brow, just putting a kiss on his brow, just in some way like this loving blessing. And the reason I imagined it is because in my own meditation I was having this very beautiful

experience of sitting and just kind of calling on loving presence and feeling that just the beloved was kissing me on the brow. So this was, I just imagined that I was offering love and blessings doing that to him. And in the moment of actually imagining, kissing him on the brow, this upwelling of tenderness more than I can describe, it just was such an experience. So I went, wow, this is beautiful, I like this. So I went back to my room and I started practicing and I just started bringing to mind the different people in my life. And with each one, I'd imagine them there and first I'd see them and appreciate their goodness and then I'd just kiss them on the brow or else I'd imagine if it felt more appropriate my hand on their cheek or a hand

on the shoulder but communicating my appreciation. And I found when I went home and I was actually with those people that I was much more of a flow of feeling free to let them know what I appreciate. I just felt like I was more free to love without holding back. So that's continued to be a practice for me. And so we're going to practice together, this seeing the goodness, we'll start where it's easy for you and then we'll build out. But just to say, West Angeloz, he says, go and love someone, go and love someone exactly

as they are, and then watch how quickly they transform into the great truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered. Let's practice together. So you need to kind of shift around, find a way of sitting, please do so. As you become still, you might let yourself feel the life breath at your heart and let yourself bring to mind someone who's very easy to love, somebody where there's a uncomplicated relationship. And if it's your dog or your cat that's quite fine too. It doesn't have to be somebody as in a human body.

We're going to start where it's easiest. Really simple and easy. And if you, it could be a tree. Just what do you love? See the goodness that flows through that being. The goodness might be in the form of the way that being expresses a little, you know, that being expresses love or what that beings like when they're happy, what they're like when they're feeling loved, at peace.

Just sense the goodness, the humor, the aliveness, creativity, and sense you could look into that person's eyes and just see what's behind those eyes, what shines out. And if you imagine that person closing their eyes and just kissing their brow and for you if it feels better to put your hand on their cheek or their shoulder, whatever gesture, but let it be an active gesture. So you can feel your tenderness and let it pour into that being. Imagine with that you, in some way communicating what you see, the goodness that you see, so that that being can receive your mirroring.

And just feel the light and the warmth and the connection. You can sense how by you offering love you become love. It's not one person to another really. It's you enter that field of loving. This is the tender heart when it's free. And bring to mind another person. It can be a little more complicated. It's okay now because you've already tried with a person that's real easy.

a person you care about and just again see them close up. Eyes open, that you can see what's coming through those eyes, what that person's like when they're happy, expressing love, feeling at home. And again, imagine that gesture of care, kissing their brow or putting your hand on their shoulder or cheek, the loving flow, the warmth. Imagine whispering or letting them know their goodness and what it's like for them to receive your mirroring. Feel that field of loving that opens up when we see the goodness and we express it.

Just to feel the goodness inside you that which loves and loves to love, honoring that and sensing others in the field here in person in this room and those that are listening and will be listening. This is a great field of loving energy. Taking these moments of this winter solstice to rest in the silence and to sense the light that illuminates our own hearts and all hearts that joins us.

listening to your own human heart and sensing whatever blessing or prayer that you'd like to offer in this moment to your own being, sensing the capacity to trust the goodness and the light of your own heart, to know this radiant, tender heart space as our true home and to widen the field, the sense, all those beings get gathered here, all those beings everywhere, all creatures, all parts of this sacred earth, that you could hold all of that in this heart space. Just imagine and feel to hold this whole earth and all beings everywhere in this illuminated heart space. the sense the places of difficulty of suffering that are very, very real, they're happening

here in the United States, really on all continents, to let this heart space include and acknowledge the suffering of those that are most vulnerable right now, they're feeling threatened, that are threatened, to sense in this heart space. those species and this earth that is in such a place of dis-ease and to sense also the incredible urge of so many to bring healing to let that sense of the community of caring this global community of caring grow so we feel our shared heart space is one that can really bring transformation to our world, sensing your prayer right now on this solstice for all beings. May all beings everywhere awaken to trust and live from the goodness of their hearts.

May all beings touch great and natural peace. May all beings be happy. May all beings awaken and be free. Namaste and blessing. For more talks and meditations, and to learn about my schedule or join my email list, please visit tarabrock.com.