Test Match Special - No Balls: A trio of trophies & Crossy's England future...

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Alex Hartley is alongside Kate Cross to discuss Crossy's England future as she announce that her England contract hasn't been renewed. They also talk about Crossy's domestic dominance as she wins her THIRD trophy of the season as Lancashire win the One Day Cup.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. To embrace the impossible requires a vehicle that pushes what's possible. Defender 110 boasts a towing capacity of 3,500 kilograms, a weighting depth of 900 millimetres and a roof load up to 300 kilograms. Learn more at landrover.ca. Al, we've got to issue a swear warning because you are an absolute potty mouth. Not another one. And you need to remember that you.

Your grandma listens to this. She does. She also abuses me on social media. But don't worry, we beep it out. See your kids can listen. And Grandma Jean. First ball, castled. Now I'm celebrating for crossing.

That one was for crossy. That was a beautiful delivery. The wobble ball again from Kate Cross. And that is such an important wicket. Kate Cross in for the Hattrick ball. Oh, that's so wide. Hello and welcome back to No Balls of Gricket podcast with me, Alex Hartley, and you, Kate Cross. I think it warrants a bigger hello than that. Look where we are.

Oh my God. Okay. We're in a studio. Not just any studio. It's like a TV studio. That's well good, isn't it? Is this the one that goes on YouTube, do you reckon? No. It's BBC. Can people stop asking us that, by the way? Yeah. If we're not going to be on YouTube, we'd be on it. And we'd let you know we're on YouTube. We don't do YouTube.

We do little clips that go on Instagram. crossy you've only won another trophy not or another one not another one I'm really if you've not brought all your medals oh it was too early when my alarm went off this morning yeah fair got back from southampton yesterday the hellish hellish bus journey that was I take you probably 45 minutes into the bus journey and said how's it going you said we've had three spues already yeah and I was all right I was feeling really quite good at that point but I think in hindsight I was probably still drunk yeah and then the

hangover hit when we got to Warwick services had a subway and then that I was no good after that I didn't spew but yeah we had um we were joking we were like oh we 30 minutes in here and we're three down already just like it's 30 for three early it's a tough pitch and then Phoebe G was one of the ones that went down early and then she had to go back into the toilet and she was like got a good ball there got a good one yeah couldn't keep that one out But in all seriousness, three trophies this year. I know. Two for Lanks.

Two for Lanks. One for Super Chargers. They've got it here. Yeah. So people who can't see this, this will go on Instagram, I'm sure, but we've got this little, well, it's quite a big TV actually in the background, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't mind that at home, but you'd have to do it the other way. Oh, it is?

Look, it's a proper telly, just flipped over. Oh, it's just strapped onto something here. They've just nice. There you go. Probably not going to talk about the internet. But it looks cool, and it's got loads of pictures of us. and all our trophies that we've won on the... Well, all your trophy.

No, your World Cup, sir. Anyone playing the drinking game, I suppose? Well good, well good. You talked about the after party. Yeah. But what about the game? Yeah. Well, actually a few games,

because the semi-final was unbelievable. Obviously, we bold, blaze out, basically in the last four overs of the game. Yes, of course. I forgot about that one. Really kind of snuck ourselves through to a final. And then going down to Hampshire, I think, is always, always hard. And we've only beat Hampshire once, and that was this year in the T20.

So we've never beat them in 50 over cricket. Oh, my God. So I think we probably went into it as underdogs. But I feel like the 50 over stuff, we played 14 group games this year. So you played everyone twice, which is the most cricket we've ever played in the domestic structure. And we were second for a lot of that tournament and then finished ultimately three. third because of our reigned off game at Arendall. Oh, did you? I didn't realise that.

So it felt like we were one of the teams to beat. And ironically, we'd beat Surrey twice, we'd beat the Blaze twice, but we'd lost to Essex, we'd lost to, we'd lost to, Somerset. We'd lost the team sat below us, basically. So it was a bit of a strange season in that regard. But yeah, then I think you go down to Hampshire. All the way to Hampshire. All the way to Hampshire.

We actually did half the journey on the Friday went, well, most of the journey on the Friday went down to Reading, stayed in Redding, so that then we didn't have have to go as far on the Saturday for training. But the final was always going to be at the utility. It didn't matter who had got through. So it wasn't like Hampshire had got the home advantage or anything. Well. For finishing higher, I mean, it was always just going to be down there.

And then we won the toss and bowled and couldn't take a wicket on that pitch. I know. I was watching it and I was like, I text Eve Jones saying, are we bowling badly or are they just biting well? And she said a little bit of both. Oh, no, I completely disagree. Really? I thought we bowled.

So I thought it won't go as no. because Gabby scored 140 in a final but to keep them under 300 on that pitch I thought was a phenomenal effort. Yeah. Yeah, it was just, it was the pitch that we played on against India. It was so hard to take wickets on.

So I knew that even though they'd got 2.80 and it's a final and that's a lot of runs to chase. I knew if we had one of our top five could stay in and do it, we would do it. I only did one of our top five stay in and do it. She's got 140 not out. Oh my God. I said to her, I was probably quite drunk at the time,

but I've never seen. You text me that. Anyone domestically bat like that in a final. Like her, like Ellie said it, she was like, that was a knock that was mature beyond her years. She's 24 years old and she's just managed to produce that. For a team that she's only just stepped into, she came and played the back end for us.

So we had Kate and Mack start the summer with us as overseas and Alana King through the middle when the blast and the 100 was going on. And then Gabby finished the season off for us. So it's still a fairly new team for her. And in a way outperformed both of the last. us, Ozys. Yeah.

I mean, she got us a winner sale as well with that ridiculous run chase where Duckwith Lewis hadn't really helped us. So as far as

going as an overseas goes, you're desperate to put performances in and she's won two games and one of them was probably the final for us.

But yeah, no, I don't think we bowed badly at all. I think it was such a good pitch and they had batters who got themselves in and then

got themselves out. Yeah. So I knew if we got ourselves in and didn't get ourselves out. And we had a really, really good to win in that game

but still I think to chase 288 in a final I know 4 down honestly I was glued

to the I want to say the telly but it wasn't it was glued to a phone um read it

Daniel text me being like do you want to come down and be in hospital and I was like it's a long way Daniel

it's a long way and I was like I'm not actually around and then when I was watching I was like I should be there should have gone

it was so so so nice because Lanks paid for all of our squad to go down so Tara Eve, Jono,

who've all got injured, Liv Bell, who's been injured for most of the summer, like everyone was there. So on the photo at the end, it's all of our staff and all of our squad players

because we had 21 players play in the 50 overcom this year. So it was like a real squad effort. And obviously we went into it without Lammy and Sophie Eccleston as well. So we're missing two of our big players there. So it was, I think that's what made it such a special win.

I think I said in an interview that the T20 County Cup that we won, it's anyone's dead. in T20 cricket and we did outplay everyone that day as well but this has felt like a proper win

a sixth month worth project yeah and it's actually the five year project you start you basically started this with Paul Shaw because he said

he always used to say it's a five year project and Lancashire yeah now and it's been five years this is year five and we've won two out of three trophies

surely we sat there now then I told you yeah if I were a betting man if I were a betting man if I were a betting man I told you this had happened so yeah it was an epic day

epic day I think, yeah, what I'm trying to get it is, like, it was the accumulation of the summer, not just a final win. It felt like we deserved so much from the competition anyway. And I'm sure Blaze felt like that. And the perfect way to finish the season. Couldn't have been better. Hep's up for the bus journey, almost.

Not good. Not good. Not a good day. Right. Crossy. It's been the year of Kate Cross. We've spoken about it. You've won three trophies.

You've had an amazing summer. You've won two with Lanks. one with the superchargers and I don't know how you carried that truck because it's well heavy but it's also not really been the year of Kate Cross either in a strange way yeah it's been a really odd year

we had a chat about this couple well that a month ago didn't we and you can hear it now Crossie bit of a tough week this week hasn't it? Yeah yeah it has actually probably

probably one of the toughest I've had in my career actually I got a bit rough news last week actually I had my appraisal with Lott and Finchie our director of cricket and they just told me that I'm not going to get my England contract renewed next year so as of October this year

2025 I will not be a professional cricketer for England anymore and one well done for saying that without really really upset actually dreading saying that I feel sick It is possibly the worst news you'll get as a cricketer It is I think I've trying to boot It's still really raw

So that's why obviously we're doing this chat Now because I feel like when this all gets announced The emotion will probably have gone out of it quite a lot So I was quite keen that we were able to have this chat A little bit selfishly for me as well Because I know how much This podcast actually helps us when we go through tough times And we've always said we'll be really honest about

the harder times of our careers as well as the brilliant times but you know from a selfish point of view getting to just chat you through with your best mate is quite important as well so god knows what's going to happen in the next 10 15 minutes but yeah are you ready to talk us through the build up to it because you had an inkling didn't you at the end of the series against india you were like i think i've just played my last game and not sure yet Yeah, so I think just before I probably get into it, just bear with me a little bit because I'm still processing it all. Like I said, it's still really raw and I'm still...

For context, this happened three days ago. Yeah, and it's now the eve of the hundred starting. So for anyone, you know, people might never hear this. It might not see the light of day, but I've now got to go and play in what is normally the funniest tournament in the year. which you always normally see me smiling in and I already know it's going to be a really tough three or four weeks for me. But yeah, so I started the series,

the India series opening the bowling for England as vice captain and I finished that series, not even making the 13 that was named the night before for the squad to play in that last ODI series. And Lottie said to me in a chat the day before the game that it was a must-win game and I'm not part of the 13. And I think as a cricketer who's always prided myself on being a reliable bowler for your captain who, you know, would hopefully stand up in big moments and do what I've done for a while for England.

That was pretty tough to hear that, you know, I felt like there had been a lot of trust had been lost quite quickly, in my opinion. So I came, I spoke to you today and I was like, oh, wow, my chat couldn't have actually gone worse with a lot. I've been dropped. So I think I'm not daft. I'm old enough and wise enough. I've been around the block plenty of times to know that something's happened there that might mean my future is maybe in a little bit of jeopardy.

And as it so happened, our appraisals were about 10 days after that series. So I'd gone back and played a couple of games for Lanks. I think anyone that saw those performances might know that I was a bit all over the shop and quite uncharacteristic of me of how I perform. So yeah, I went down to Loughborough on Thursday last week and that was when I had my meeting

and I think I was in there for approximately six minutes and then drove myself home. It's always one of those where you know it's coming and you try and process it, but it doesn't make it any easier and you still feel like your whole world is just... When I came out of that India series, I felt a little bit lost and a little bit, like I said,

like I didn't feel like Lottie trusted me that much, having started the series where I did. And like I even said to Lottie, I'm not daft. I know I didn't ball great at Southampton. I didn't feel like it was a dropable offence, but like I know, that wasn't me at my best. And I guess I've also been trying to work out whether this is actually me at my best now,

whether that back injury meant that, you know, I've lost a little bit of something. And that happens, that's professional sport, isn't it? That's the stuff that you kind of, come to terms with I guess but I don't quite feel like that's the case I feel like I still have a lot to give the team and I know every everyone that gets gets pushed out will say that they'll say that they always still felt like they've got stuff to give I guess for anybody that doesn't really understand the emotion and what you go through like how did you feel

like before you went in to your appraisal just awful um we had um we had the opportunity to take someone from the PCA into our appraisal, which is the first time we've had the chance to do that. So, you know, Tom from, he's actually the Surrey PDM, but he's doing a bit of work with the pattern. He's a superstar. Looking back, I'm so, so glad I opted to take him in. But I actually text him the night before my appraisal,

and I just said, look, Tom, I've bummed and hard about whether I need you in there tomorrow, but I've just got this awful feeling that something's happening. And he was like, what on earth? you know classic you're overthinking this you've catastrophized it's not going to be that bad um and then i chatted him through what i thought my scenario was probably about an hour before i went into my appraisal and i was just basically inconsolable and i just thought how am i going to get through an appraisal with my head coach and my director of cricket without crying and then i think i'd almost cried everything out and was like right whatever will be i'm going to find out

in the next 20 minutes and then get in there and you obviously within 45 seconds I found out I wasn't getting my contract renewed so it kind of all happened pretty quickly

but I was weirdly more calm in the appraisal than I was chatting to Tom before it because I think you go through every scenario in your head and every scenario has got a different scenario underneath it and it just felt there's so many layers

to every situation but the one scenario me and Tom didn't go through was whether when I came out of that I would have you know a sacked feels savage but we hadn't talked about the scenario of how I would feel or what I would say or what questions I would ask if that was the case because I'd actually gone in there quite armed with a lot of my stats and a lot of my stuff to talk about that if they did renew my contract I would have really fought my corner and said look I know I've not probably been as good as I could be this

summer but I know that me at my best has got you know these are the stats to back up what I can do in an England shirt and I didn't even open my book I didn't even get chance to I just didn't just yeah pretty much left straight away so pretty savage day

yeah it's it's one of those where I remember like being with you I'm just feeling empty but sad but also like what's next

what do I do see I don't I don't have that what next and that's where obviously our scenarios differ quite a little bit because the games moved on since you lost your contract. And I remember, oh God, I remember just, it's a horrible thing to say about it.

I felt so sorry for you because your literal job could be no more because there was no professional cricket for you to fall into. And I obviously feel really fortunate that hopefully there'll be a contract in a county team somewhere that I might get offered. But I'm not worried about life after cricket because I'd purposely set myself up for that. I think what I what's hard is how quickly it's all happened and I know that you're only as good as your last game like I'm not sitting here and saying that I because I've had a good career for England and got good stats that I deserve to play every game but a year ago as the best scene bowler in the world to a month ago I was the quickest seema to get to 100 wickets in one day cricket and then you don't get the chance to play for your country again. yeah and that's that's almost like without being harsh that's something i don't think you'll ever understand and i probably don't ever need to and again i'm not sport is sport

professional sport is savage we always say that don't we like a year is a really long time in professional sport um and i i also am so aware that my international career had to come to an end at some point and I was it was going to be unlikely that I'd get to do it on my terms because not many people get the privilege of finishing it on their terms. So I always knew that this would be probably how it was done and that I wouldn't be ready for it. But yeah, I think it's just the speed of it. And I honestly think in a couple of months time, a couple of years time, I might look back and be really pleased at how quickly it all happened. So I've not almost had to do that year of getting phased out and doing drinks and stuff like that but i also i'm now sat here

questioning whether i want to play cricket again and yeah like i said i'm we're on the eve of the hundred the funniest tournament that you can have um i love my time with supercharges and i know that i've got a great set of girls around me who'll really lift me up when i'm i'm going to need it but i don't know what will come next year i don't know whether i will play cricket i think i'll probably just take the winter away and work out what I want to do. But I know that I've got the 100 and then a couple of games left with Lanks to finish the season off. And then whatever happens with the World Cup happens. And, you know, that's the information.

I've not got that information yet to make an informed decision about anything. But, yes, just you can't really describe it, can you? And like, you've been through it and I feel in a way fortunate that I've got a best friend who can understand what I'm going through right now. Bless you, you've been on face time to me every day, haven't you, and drag me out to an oasis concert. I do say, I'll ring you to annoy you again. But it's not even that. It's just talking, the more you talk it through, the easier it gets.

And it's really hard because you've got to play cricket straight away. So, like, obviously I was really fortunate that I didn't then have to play cricket again for a long time. Whereas you've got to pick yourself up, vice captain of the Supercharge. Rogers, you've got to, and you've told the captain, you don't have to be yourself, you have, you know, you don't have to go to train and if you don't want to, you know, you've got that time and that space. But I think you're in a really tricky position right now because you've also not got time to be sad.

Yeah, I think that's what it, it almost felt like I didn't have a lot of time to process what had happened after the India series to then go straight into an appraisal. Because I remember, I talked to you the night before my appraisal, didn't I? you have to fill out these IDPs, which are your development programs. And, you know, you talk as a player about the areas you want to improve in. And I spoke to you about it. I don't even know how to approach this because I just, I feel like I'm going to get bad news. And you gave me some great advice about, you know, going there as if they're going to renew your contract

and you're going to tell them how good you are at cricket. And that's also really quite hard to do when you don't feel very good at cricket at the minute. So, you know, it feels a little bit like someone's told you something and you believe them. and you probably shouldn't believe them. Yeah, I think that's the hardest thing that I've seen your confidence over the last four weeks just completely disappear.

Yeah. And like you said, a year ago you were the best teamer in the world and now you're like, I'm not even wanting to be on the park for lengths because I just feel nowhere. Yeah, like we played that game at Sedbra. This was the day before my appraisal

and in between overs. I opened the bowling with Meeks And in between overs, I was just stood at mid-off, just crying. And I was like, what am I doing? Like, this is not the dream that everyone, you know, the bits that people really don't see is that sort of stuff. And I think, again, like bigger picture just goes to show what confidence in sport is and how coaches can so easily, like, squashy confidence.

And it's not taken much for a coach to come in and kind of do that for me. And maybe it is the best thing for me. it's the best thing for the team and I think I could probably eventually get over having an 11 year career and being really proud of that it feels like we're quite a way away

from thinking about it that way yet but yeah and one day crossy you'll look back on it and it might take you a month by the time this goes out you might be able to we might be laughing and joking

we might still be really sad but you're an Ashes winner you're an England captain and no one will ever take that away from you and I know it feels I know it feels like, you know, you go, oh God, my world's just ended, but you will forever, forever be a former England captain. I remember sitting here when you lost your contract saying these things to you.

And I remember. It doesn't make, you don't listen. I know you're not listening. I know. I'm not listening. It's going straight over my head because it's obviously, it doesn't fit with the emotion of what I feel right now. And you know me, you know, I'm the kind of person that I like to understand things.

even, God, I was asking you stupid questions at Oasis, wasn't it, about, like, how everything works. And, like, my brain just needs information to be able to make informed decisions. And I think what I've struggled with is I've not had that information. I have it now, like, that, I think that's why I probably felt so calm when Finchie told me, but it, yeah, it's just someone's opinion of you. And it's obviously a little bit different in my case that it will mean that my England career is over like that my international career is done it's not like go and have a year at lengths and come back and be refreshed it's that she's going to move into a different direction and bring some new bowlers through which that's the bit I actually really understand I think

I remember saying to you that I get it it's another four year cycle now of World Cup cricket and I'll be 39 at the next World Cup which I never intended in trying to get to all right Jimmy absolutely not a chance not a chance and there's a lot of T20 cook a lot of T20 cricket between that so you know that contracting me does does seem really silly so I get that bit but I think yeah like the struggle is just how quickly it's all all happened really yeah and I know we've spoken about this but it will be a godsend because if you'd have gone into that meeting and they'd have said we don't know yet we're going to see how we go after the World Cup you'd have been in total limbo for the hundred yeah and I would have definitely not hated that

I would have hated the hundred so much. I'd put so much pressure on myself. Yeah, whereas now, not a weight's been lifted, but you know where you stand. You know what your future looks like. Or you know, you know, with English. Yeah, you know what it doesn't look like. Yeah. And you can play, I promise you, like you can play with so much freedom.

You're going to have bad days. Of course you are. But you're going to have days where you go, there's a life outside of this, you know. Yeah. And that really does excite me. know like we've joked about it a little bit over the last couple of days but I think that relief probably does come from like I've been so so so fortunate to play cricket for 11 years for my country and if you'd have told young Kate that when she was nine running in the

backyard with my brother and my sister like obviously I'd have absolutely bit your hand off but it yeah it's just it's just not how you see it ending it's just hard isn't it like I think As an athlete, one of your biggest fears is someone turning around and telling you you're not good enough anymore, and that is effectively what's happened. And I know it's an opinion. I know that Holly at the supercharges has a really different opinion of me and she still, you know, wants me to charge in and be her leading wicket taker or whatever in the scenarios where you need to stand up. But obviously it's just savage when it's the ultimate and it's, yeah, it's taken away from you. I feel I just really wish I could give you a hug you gave me plenty of frozen margaritas at Oasis

so that's the same I said to you I went crossy you do know we can have a drink tonight now I'll be all right I'm not like obviously it's sad and I think the reason that I wanted to do this now is because I do think I'll feel completely differently about it in October when the contracts get announced and people have their opinions on it and they'll say I should have gone four years ago

and other people will probably fight my corner and say, gosh, he could have done a little bit more for England or whatever. But, yeah, I wanted to do it now because I wanted it to be real and I think, you know, you were really honest about your retirement stuff and we started this podcast when you lost your contract, so... It's full circle. It has, hasn't it? It's actually quite ironic.

It's quite nice, but... This is where the podcast ends. Yeah, this is it. We're finished now. This is where it gets good. No, Crossy, I think, like, thank you for talking about it now. It's going to be really powerful when it goes out. And, like you say, you're going to feel different. And I'm sorry that you had to have that conversation on Thursday.

It's really, really, really, I'll, who knows, I might be leading wicket-taker in the 100. I might be the worst bowler that you've ever seen. I might go to a World Cup. I might retire from international cricket. Obviously, this is probably all happened before this episode goes out, so we don't. Yeah. We don't know what's going to happen, but I think the one thing that I can control

is how much I try to enjoy the next month with a great group of girls around me in a brilliant tournament. And might be last hundred, might not be. Might be my, might be running in in orange next year, playing for the northern Hyderabad sunrise,

as whatever we're going to be called. Or you might be with me in the comments box. Who knows? I might be. Who knows? Who knows? But I know you know, going to listen to me but you should be so so proud of what you've achieved like genuinely so

proud and you're not going to be until probably two years time yeah because that's just the way the cookie crumbles thank you love you love you what thank you bring more gear carry more passengers face greater challenges welcome to the world of Defender, with seating up to eight, ample cargo space, and legendary off-road capability. It's built to make the most of every adventure. Learn more at landrover.ca. I don't really know how to come off the back of that, because we've just had such a nice chat about you winning trophies, and then the devastating news you got two days before the 100

started is that you've lost your contract. Bit of no balls whiplash that, isn't it? Yeah, we do do. Shambles. Yeah, we do do it. Yeah, it's just been, it's been such an unusual, probably six weeks now, maybe a little bit longer. And I listen back to that chat because I remember when we did it, I remember thinking this might get used or it might not because I might be too emotional. But I was actually, I listened to it on the bus on the way back yesterday and obviously cried.

But I think that was a little bit of the hangover as well. but I actually can't get my head around how composed I was I know it took me 16 minutes to make you cry I remember coming off the call and I was like you've done so well and so brave to I remember you actually saying look this is why we do the podcast to have these chats to talk about these things when they're raw and emotional and I don't know how you did that because I

I couldn't do it when it happened to me so how do you feel now I still don't really know I know I've not processed it I think coming back into the Lank structure after the 100 I realised how distracted I was in the 100 and I can see quite clearly

how I got through that and was obviously we had an amazing summer in purple but I've really like the last three weeks I've been awful I've really struggled I've really struggled to enjoy cricket I've probably been the worst teammate for my Lank's girls

and we've had a lot of long bus journeys where I've just had to kind of sit myself away from everyone and yeah just almost been a bit mute and numb I think you use the word numb actually in that in the chat that we had a month ago but um everything that I'd said was like I'm going to get through the hundred and then I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to but now I'm at the point where it's and then I'm going to and it's like okay length season finished yesterday yeah what is then I'm going to that's the bit I'm not too sure about um I'm actually going seeing someone professional this afternoon

to actually start the process of processing. Do you feel like you've just switched off? Yeah, I think so. Like you've just like put it to the back of your mind and gone, that's a problem for another day? Yeah, but the days now. Yeah. And a big part of it is this.

Like it's Hen and Finchie told me it's my news to give people. So I've kind of undenade about when to tell people. And what I've really, really struggled with is when everyone's seen the news about the World Cup, they've gone, you know, keep fighting, and keep going, the door's not shut and in my mind I know the door's shut so I've found it really hard

to bite my tongue in those aspects and in a way I think I probably was more emotional about the World Cup stuff than people would give enough wiggle room for in a way but I knew that I had the contract chat two weeks prior to that

and I was still kind of clinging on to the fact that I might go to the World Cup and obviously since that chat I've found out that I'm not going so yeah I kind of it does feel like there's an element of like finality about it at all and I think that obviously the bit that I got so upset about when we chatted a month ago was just how quickly it's all happened and that's the bit that I've not processed yeah and it's been so hard for us to do the pod and be honest but not be honest enough

because you said during the 100 just before the finals you're like okay I think I'm ready for the chat to go out and I'm like whoa no you're not because I don't you're going to get you're going to have to turn your phone and off again. You're going to get so much attention from this news. And I'm sort of glad you've got your session this afternoon because I think you might need it. And I don't even really know how I'm going to start it all again because I feel like Tom, we spoke about Tom Jones from the PCA. He's been unbelievable in this process and I genuinely wouldn't have been able to do a lot of it. So Tom, Tom had given me these little like checkpoints that in 10 days I

had to have had a, like, a non-formal conversation with Lancashire about potentially a contract there. And I still don't really know what I want to do next year. And it's hard because you kind of have to have things in place now for next year. You've got to have something in your mind of what you want. Well, Lanks aren't going to give away your contract if you don't sign one. No, but it also does affect squad balance and stuff like that. If I can't turn around in February and go about, I'm ready to go now. What you can do is sign a contract but not go train until February.

Yeah, but that's the bit that I've not got anywhere near the detail of what anything looks like yet. The one thing I definitely know is I need a break. I need to just switch off from cricket because I was thinking about it on the way home yesterday. Like I've played every single one of Lancashire's 50 over games. I've missed out on some blast games,

but I've played a full season with them, which is quite unusual for an England contracted player. And there's not been a Seema in our Lancashire group who's done that so I am so fatigued and I could feel like my body I could feel my body last week was just telling me

you're desperate for a break so that's the one thing that I do know I need but then I feel like I'm putting it off still like I'm also at that like you've come into your own since your contract chat

I feel like you've started bowling really well again you've only going at four and over in 50 over T20 cricket so it's also a weird time for the season to end because you're flighting. Yeah.

You're winning trophies. Yeah. And the other massive, I guess, around it all is that I am reserved for the World Cup. So I had a phone call with Lottie at the end of the 100 where she was like, look, if you're willing, can you keep training through October? Because if an injury goes down to one of the seamers, we are going to need you. That's the bit I'm finding tough because I actually, the end point isn't now for me.

I'm back in Altrafford next week bowling. So it's the, the, yeah. It's not been great but I then also have to think if an injury does go down I have to go and be ready to play for England in a World Cup and also the World Cup is kind of starting now

and I'm seeing all the interviews and I'm seeing all the press around it and that's really tough as well so it's like trying to find the balance of being ready to go but also switching off from it and going I don't want to see this yeah but I also probably do need to see this if something bad happens

so yeah it's obviously been a strange on And like, I can't remember, I think I said, did I say it to you on my brother yesterday? It's like the year, the best year I've ever had in terms of silverware, in terms of probably performances, and it's the year I've been sacked. We don't call it sacked. We call it made redundant. Made redundant. Because you get a nice little payout package.

Yeah. But in other news, we can go on holiday. We can. We can. We're going to have to do that in November, though. Yeah, we are. Yeah, it feels like November and December are probably. we're going to be the months where I really work everything out and you know I'm like I need

I need to know answers and I need to understand everything and I can't have that yet and that's what's really hard no and it's I don't think you'll ever get those answers that you necessarily want which you might find the hardest bit yeah because as honest as coaches are with you they're never ever as honest as they actually think they actually feel and also the honesty might just be that Lottie does prefer someone else and that's the vision she goes with and that's, I'll always struggle with that because it's just her opinion

and Lottie has, to be fair to her, she has kept reaching out saying can we have a chat, can we do, and I'm like, there's no point for me yet because I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to say to you that is going to make me feel better and the chat might make her feel better

but I don't think I'm ready for that yet if that almost feels like something that might happen next year or in two years time or maybe never but maybe when you fly out to India yeah yeah that'll be like seeing an ex oh my god won't it it'd be horrible again that's like I just I can't even work it I can't work it out at the minute like I don't yeah I just there just me yeah um but then in amongst all of that there's been like some of my best days of cricket

I've loved I loved the 100 weekend that was that was the best weekend I've probably probably had in cricket and then the pride that I had on Sunday for the Lancashire group was just incredible and then now it this is what happened after the 100 you kind of leave that group now and then you kind of feel like you're quite alone yeah that's what I really found after the supercharger stuff like everyone just disappeared on the Monday and then you just in your flat on your own and now it's like right this is actually the real part of it the 100 wasn't real yeah yeah the real life almost and the processing will start now yeah because you're at home and you're at home and training while everybody's off now yeah like that's it the season's done

everyone goes on holiday yeah thankfully we've got a couple of rehabbers that'll be in so tarra's going to be coming back and she'll be around old shrafford so i'll have people to speak to but everyone disappears off on holiday now and it's probably going to be the time where i'd need a group of people around me the most but yeah that's why obviously i'm going seeing someone this afternoon to try and start working it working out properly it's um i'm proudy if not crying again actually yeah i think I'm too tired to cry. Because if you cried, I'd cry, then it'd be all over social media, it'd be shambles. I think I've cried it all out.

Yeah. I'm sorry that's happened because it's... But whatever happens, whatever is next for you, you'll smash it, whether it's cricket, no cricket, coms, no comms. You've got options, as we've discovered over the last six weeks. I bet you didn't think you'd have so many options. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's like you've put yourself on cricket Tinder. And you've just got office flying everywhere. Yeah. And I'm not very good at committing to anything either. So I'm like, oh, that sounds like a great opportunity. But, oh, I don't know. I don't know. The only thing I do know is I want to go and play some golf.

Wednesday. Wednesday. I've got golf day. Wednesday. Okay. See you there. See you there. Proud of you.

Thank you. You can email us on. You can't end it like that. How do we end it? I suppose we can. Noblespodcast at BBC.com.com. Noblespodcast at BBC.com.com. We've also got a text number crossy.

It's so good. They said it twice. Oh, yeah. Our WhatsApp number is... 8-1-1-1. That's the text message. Oh. Flip-lash.

0-3-1-2-8-26. And you start your message with no-balls, all one word. What a shambles. What a shambles. What a shambles. Bye Welcome to the team behind the team A new podcast series

in partnership with the Open University where we'll be showcasing the people the tools and the techniques to help athletes and teams reach elite level Like all elite sports it's a pyramid

and everybody's trying to get to the top It's not just my vision It's a shared vision amongst the team What is this? This is not the way I see you the game. The team behind the team with Katie Smith. In partnership with the Open University. Listen on BBC Sounds.