Test Match Special - No Balls: Madness in Melbourne & menstrual moans

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

Alex Hartley and Kate Cross discuss the two day MCG Ashes Test which saw England win their first Test in Australia for nearly fifteen years. Plus, why it's normal to talk about periods and how female players deal with it occuring during a cricket match.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. To embrace the impossible requires a vehicle that pushes what's possible. Defender 110 boasts a towing capacity of 3,500 kilograms, a weighting depth of 900 millimetres and a roof load up to 300 kilograms. Learn more at landrover.ca. This month in football, everything is up for grabs. The Premier League battles intensify, the Champions League reaches its crucial turning point,

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Your essential football podcast delivered every day. Listen to Football Daily on Spotify to Football Daily on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Al, we've got to issue a swear warning because you are an absolute potty mouth. Not another one.

And you need to remember that your grandma listens to this. She does. She also abuses me on social media. But don't worry, we beep it out. See your kids can listen. And Grandma Jean. First ball, castled. Now I'm celebrating for crossing. That was for crossy.

That was a beautiful delivery. The wobble ball again from Kate Cross. And that is such an important wicket. and Kate Cross in for the Hattrick ball. Oh, it's so wide. Hello and welcome back to No Balls of Cricket podcast with me, Kate Cross. You, Alex Hartley, you've got the morning shift, I've got the evening shift, I've got the energy, you look tired. Oh, I was really excited then because we've been on the phone.

We've been on the phone from about half an hour, so I don't feel tired even though I look tired, clearly. You don't look tired. I was just, just for the comedic effect of the podcast. Podcast purposes all. I have got the morning shift and I thought it was due. Or me and Jack thought it was due. You've done every morning. I have done every morning.

And especially that morning that Alyssa Healy actually bailed on us when I'd already set my alarm and we had to get up on podcast anyway. I have promised I've forgotten about it. I'm over it. But it was definitely my time to have an evening shift. So when Jack put that as an option in the group, I was like, I can do the evening. I really enjoyed it when you were like,

it was so like, I will be doing the evening. Yeah, we're doing the evening. Yeah. Anyway, how are you? I'm really good, thank you. I'm really good. It's been freezing here, Crossy. I've heard, yeah.

I haven't been able to get warm. There's no heating in the apartment that we're staying in. I, like, slept fully clothed the other night. It's that cold. Christmas day was 13 degrees. It felt like we were at home. and then yesterday 40 degrees boiling well sway they do say you get every season in a week in Melbourne don't even in the day sometimes in Melbourne yeah yeah so but I'm good I'm really

good we are four tests down one to go it's been weird wonderful and wild I'm going to change that sentence because I think it's just been weird and wild I'm not sure it's been all that wonderful I mean if you're an Aussie it's been wonderful Of course. But has it? My trip's been wonderful. But has it been wonderful for that? Like,

has it been a good series? No. No. That's the bit I just want to. We'll talk about that in a minute actually. Okay. Let me rephrase. My trip has been wonderful.

Okay. Nice. Yeah. I can appreciate that. Yeah. How are you? Yeah, I'm good. I've got the, like, Christmas fatigue.

You know that? Oh. That social battery. level just is like twixtmas it's called i've seen all my family i had a lovely time got a lot of kids in the family now so christmas is properly special again um special and draining draining draining do you know what i've learned i have a superpower my superpower is to bring sulking kids back into board games whoa okay i'm good at it really i don't know why don't know how i'm just really quite good at it. Yeah, okay. That's, uh, I reckon you're quite like, you don't like get a grip,

get on with it. No, I'm quite like, oh, why don't you just help me? Why don't you be on my team? Because I don't understand this game. And then they're like, oh yeah. So I got another five games of scatigaries out of my niece because she didn't want to play it first, but then got back in. But then I hope you like, use the pen that she wanted to use, you know. Oh, you can't. It was the glitter pen. Ah. And you were like, no, I want the glitter pen. Yeah. Yeah. So that's been, that's what I've learned about myself over the last five days. Well, I thought you're superpowers going to be sleeping, but, you know. No, that's yours.

Every time, every time I wake up or go to bed, actually, you've been like, oh, I've just had an 11 hour sleep. I feel amazing. I don't know what's wrong with me. This is like the time when my mum sent me to the doctors because she thought I must be chronically ill because I slept for 12 hours a night. And then she just said, no, you're at you're probably fine. You do just need it, though, don't you?

I remember when we train together, you'd always go to bed at like 9 o'clock. Yeah. Yeah. And like, I want to be sociable when I'm here, so I'm going to bed quite late. And then I have the occasional night out, which is super late. I actually suggested the other day we watched the sunrise, and then I quickly thought, that's a bad idea. We should watch, I should watch the sunrise at the same time you watch the sunset.

That would be quite cute. Yeah. Yeah, that would be, but that means you'll get. You're doing the early shift again. It won't happen. Maybe when we do it in the next pot. Maybe. Maybe.

I think we're more likely for you to see the sunset and I see the sunrise. No, we're not. No, because I'll still be out. Yeah, that's true actually. Okay. Right, we'll try that. I've just got one tiny confession to make before we start. Oh.

I've cheated on you, Al. Hot? Yeah. I did another podcast episode before I did our podcast. with a rival podcast group. And leave. I'm actually leaving. I didn't want to tell you

because I knew this would be your reaction but I just thought I just had to come clean and let you know. You're s'h. Sorry, they paid me. Yeah, fair. I didn't know. Yeah, I went down to London this morning

to do the tail enders wrap-up of the test match. So I think this is why I'm ready for this episode because I've got a bit more intel of what I want to talk about. wait you only did the rival podcast the rival podcast so if people see me on there and they hear me on here don't worry not going anywhere Greg was just away so I got the call up I think they were desperate actually it's quite cool you a Greg James Greg James no I was Felix White didn't have a guitar but Jimmy was Jimmy Felix was Greg I was Felix

matching was matching okay I'm going to have to to just think about how I feel and process it. I might have to put you on ice for a week or two. Don't make any decisions while you're emotional though that's the only advice I'd give you. Yeah, but I emotionally called you a... You did, and you left and then came back.

I'd always come back. Anyway, Melbourne Boxing Day test match. Talk to me. What on earth? is going on in the world of test match cricket. I don't know, but I don't like it. I'm just going to put it out there. I don't like it.

Well, when we were leaving on day one, one of the stewards went to me, thanks for coming to our T20. I was like, it did feel a bit like that. Yeah, that's a good summary. Maybe we should get him interviewed as well, like they've done the curator, groundsman. They've interviewed the groundsman after this test match.

What is going on in the world of cricket, if we're now interviewing the groundsman. Someone's going, I'm not going to be blamed. You are. Mad, just absolute madness. Where do you want to start? Okay, I want to start in the fact that in the history of Ashis Cricket,

the last two-day game in Perth, before that was in like 1920, and then we've had two in four games. In four weeks, yeah, not good. Really, really not good. So much so that I saw that Australia having Cricket Australia having to think about potentially franchising the BBL next year because they're quite short of cash.

I did see they've lost $21 million from it. Which doesn't surprise me. I found a good start, actually, that I wanted to read out. I've just to sums it up. The Melbourne Boxing Day test match started at 11 a.m. in Melbourne on Boxing Day. And it ended at 8.25 p.m. ish on Boxing Day in Hawaii. so it was literally a test match played entirely within Boxing Day. Oh my gosh.

What the face? Honestly, Crossy, I don't know what I witnessed. It was almost like on day one, here we go again. Like, and then England, I said, I can't remember what I said. And I can't remember, did England battle bowl first? England bowl first. They bowled. They won the toss them bald.

Right. So I was like, I said about three hours into the day, and Australia were a few down, I just jokingly said at the back of the box, I'll show you'll be batting again tonight. And everyone went, shut up. And I was like, Australia will be batting again tonight. And then England were all out for 110. And Australia were four for none at the end of play. Scott Boland opened the batting.

That one I get, because Nightwatcher. But poor Josh Tongue takes a fifer on boxing day at the MCJ. and then has an hour off, has some food, and then has to put his bowling boots back on and go back out there on the same day. I know, I know, but didn't ball the over, which he should have, because he was on a hat trick. I wouldn't have agreed that that would have been a hat trick

if he'd got him out, because he would have got the same batter out twice. No, how good would that have been it? My point that I would like to make about this test match is a very bowler brain. Got my bowler hat on right now. The pitch came back as unsatter. They've marked it unsatisfactory because it was very heavily favoured in the bowlers

for the bowlers. How many test matches have we watched where the track is very heavily favoured for the batters? And 500 plays, 500 plays 400 plays 400, 400 plays 400 and it's really hard to take 20 wickets. And it's never unsatisfactory. No, it's not, but... I know why.

No, I'm not saying that this should have been marked as a satisfactory pitch. I get it. And I get there was a challenge. But it wasn't like the ball was moving three metres at a time. It was just moving off the city. Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't drastic. It was unexpected. But it wasn't like the ball is doing magical things. The wobble ball was pretty important. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying though? Do you know what? How many test matches have the ballers had to endure it and endure it?

And then it was heavily in the bat of favour. But no one mentions that. It's just well done if you've taken wickets on a flat pitch, which I'm sure Sydney is going to be. The bowlers, it's a batter's life. We know that. Yeah. I just wanted to highlight it again. So if you're playing the drinking game, I think that should probably be on the bingo card by now.

Yeah. I agree. It was an unsatisfactory pitch. but how can you have Perth being a very good pitch and that being unsatisfactory. That's what I want to know. What's the difference? Mm-hmm.

Because the Boxing Day Test match shouldn't last two days and that is why they've probably marked it as that because they lost. Was it like one million pounds for every mill of grass that the creator shouldn't have put on the grass? Did you see the curator cut the wicket after the game? and everyone was like a bit late now mate because he was like

I can get a BBL game out of this now yeah probably get two but another test match on that next week oh the whole thing has been it's been a bit of a shocking series actually if we're going to be honest I think that's what I was trying to say earlier

it's not been enjoyable I got a message from somebody overnight actually Kit sent me a DM and he because I just put a little picture of me on the beach on day three and then a little picture

me going to the beach on day four and he said something along the lines of how about instead of gloating this test match didn't go to five days

think of all the people that are out in Australia not being able to watch cricket I was like what can I do about that and they're at the beach with you yeah I saw the Barmy Army

go and watch Perth Glory in the away section and they were just doing the Barmi Army chance so they still got to watch live sport and do their singing

so they'll be I think they'll be happy. They had a night out with Graeme Swan as well apparently. Yeah, I went to St Kilda on day three and I can tell you there was not one Australian insight on that beach. It was all English people with Harry Brook and Braden Koss. The Australian fans were probably at the fan village getting to meet Pat Cummins because I saw that all the Australian players went and did like a fan interaction thing

on what should have been day three. How good is that, by the way? That would never happen in England. No, it wouldn't. I've got a small bone to pick with Jonathan Agnew as well. Oh, no. I was listening to the debrief after the game, and he said that England can now enjoy an evening in Australia.

And it really bothered me. I'm pretty sure it was him. It might have been Simon Mann, actually. So I'll put them both. I'll pick the bone with both of them, just in case. But when was it? We were listening to the TMS podcast. Straight after the game.

Okay, so yeah, yeah, okay. It was when they were doing, they got like Jobu and Bethel and everyone doing an interview. So it was part of the podcast, but it was straight after the game reaction. And yeah, it just really bothered me because I think that is one of the problems with how people view professional sport

that just because they've won a game of cricket now, we as fans, we as pundits, allowing these players to enjoy themselves. and I just think it's really unhealthy and really quite an old-school thing to say like Jovoo has got his family out there he's not just enjoying cricket because he wins yeah I do know what you're saying

but I had no problem with the boys in Nusa and the Ben Duckett thing I actually thought like the guy who filmed Ben Duckett is an absolute yeah he's not come out of this well has he but you're right you have to be able to enjoy

every day Yeah, I'm not saying go out and get on the lash every day But professional sports people only are allowed to enjoy touring And enjoy their lifestyle if they win Is that what we're measuring them on now? They just really annoyed me that he said that Fully agree with you, obviously It was really nice to see an England win in Australia this year

Yeah, of course, and that's the bit I don't want I don't want to feel negative about it Because obviously it's amazing, the boys I've gone and won a game after 15, 15 years of not winning over there. Incredible. Like, yes, it was a mad, chaotic two-day game, but they've still broken that back.

So good on them. Well done. It's like another thing. Obviously, everyone was like, it's the first time in 15 years. England have won a test in Australia. And Ellie Oldrode was like, actually the girls in 2014.

Oh, go on, Ellie. There's always one. There's always one. I would like you for the record as well because now I'm brave enough to say it, but I'd like you to tell everyone what my prediction was for this test, for this series.

Your prediction for this series was that Matthew Fisher will end up playing a test match. Yep. And the score line would be 4-1. Yeah. And I think I'm on.

I think they'll play Poxy. But I think I've got an outside chance. We got the score, the predictions up the other day because TMS did predictions and there's only me inside. a man left. Oh yes.

What do you win? Just like credit and the fact that all those trolls that email TMS to say that I shouldn't be on air will go. Maybe she knows what she's talking about. So much so. We've not even talked about this on the podcast, trolls, because some of you will listen to this podcast and some of you will have f***ed us off. We're off Twitter. We are. I've been off it for a while.

You've just recently come off it. Yeah. I came off it after the Perth test. So it was day two of the Perth test, but morning off. And I woke up and I just looked at my mentions. And there were some nice messages, don't get me wrong. But then there were some people saying that I'm ruining TMS and they're going to turn it off when I'm on, which, fine.

Like, actually can't please everybody, not a problem. Like, I actually would rather you didn't tag me in that, but it doesn't bother me that I read it. It's a horrible place now, isn't it? It's so, so horrible. And I used to love it years and years and years ago when it first started because you had access to celebrities and they would tell you what they're up to and they'd be a bit more personable on there.

And now it's just become this cesspit of people having free speech to be able to just tell you that you're fatt or you're no good at cricket or whatever it is. So I've not missed it one bit. I can't be with the troll. I don't want to give you the time of day. Kit, if you're going to do. DM me and give me I'm going to read it on the podcast so

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Is it the time of the month or anything? No, it's not. I've just come off my period, actually. Have you? Have you? Yes. Well, it's funny, obviously, that we bring that up because that was another thing that you got absolutely slated for talking about.

Oh, my word. How? I don't understand how I've made. It's only right, Crossy, let's be honest, during an Ashy's series, men's or women's that I make the headlines of the papers somehow. This time, unexpected. Absolutely ludicrous. I woke up, obviously this is how I get the news.

I wake up. I see what's gone on. And that morning, my entire news feed was about you. being on your period and it blew my mind that anyone had taken the time of data right about that like that became a headline i couldn't honestly crossy couldn't believe it so i have talked about being on my period many many many times on tms and the cricket must have been so boring that people decided to write about it like it's utterly nuts and What I do want to say is I have no problem in talking about this sort of thing

because I think it should be normalised. How is it not normalised? Like if a young girl is listening to the radio and hears that I'm on my period, then she'll go, oh, like, that's totally normal for people to talk about it. And, you know, it shouldn't be taboo. Everybody gets a period. All I said was, I am on my period. It's crazy, isn't it?

And like, I've got a few quotes here of what was put on. line about this. So I'll just read them out to give, I mean, I feel like people who obviously listen to the podcast know how graphic we could be about some things, how in depth we could go into some things. But people are probably more ready for it listening to the podcast. Where you shocked people was by doing it live on TMS. And a couple of quotes were, all too symptomatic of women constantly trying to invade men's safe spaces. So by that, I can only imagine this person means that TMS is a man's safe place where women cannot be part of

I'll dare a man who is a fertilised egg be frightened of a period does he know how it all works like he would not exist if women didn't have periods another one the BBC have been completely taken over by the woke police

allowing this behaviour behavior Alex your period apparently is a behavior how how dare I do you know what I just get a hysterectomy now shall I it's absolutely fascinating so anyway I just wanted to for a few people who don't know what was the fact that I gave you before about how many between six and a half and ten years on average a woman will bleed for in her life

that is what a good seventh of life. I'm so bad at maths, that'll be really bad. That won't be right. So you live for 70 years? Yeah, if the average age is 70, yeah. So 10th, maybe a bit more of your life, we will spend having to cope with bleeding. And we're not allowed to talk about it. But you're not allowed to talk about.

How dare it happen at work? How dare you talk and mention it and say that it has affected the mood that you've been in tongue-in-cheek because cricket wasn't going very well for England? Can I just say Dan Norcross is an amazing human? In that situation, he just went, oh, okay, carried on with the cricket chat and made a joke and it's funny. And the newspapers were like, Dan Norcross reacts poorly or like Alex Hawley talks about period and shocks TMS fans and listeners and pund it.

Dan was not shocked. I wanted to just point it out. Dan is the most open. Dan was great, yeah. Open man I've ever met. Dan actually said to me the day before, I think you do on your period. And I said,

thank you, because this man has spent that much time with me. He knows my cycle better than I do. Yeah. I also, yes, he dealt with it really well, but I don't think we should be applauding Dan for coping with that conversation the way it should be coped with.

Like that's how it should have happened and now we're going Oh, Dan was brilliant, he handled it really well No, that's just what everyone should respond with or say, how are you? Is there anything I can do to help? Females shouldn't be scared to talk about their periods. Like, not at all.

It's normal, it's natural. It really, really makes me laugh. Quick, funny one that we got from Chris in Bournemouth. He actually emailed TMS and he said, Alex, you got it the wrong way around. It was the cricket that brought on the period, not the period causing the inevitable reaction to it. I know this because I had my first period yesterday,

which can only be explained by the cricket as a middle-aged man. Yeah, very good. Very, very good. Thank you, Chris. On the flipside crossy, I had, I want to say, 4,000 DMs from people being like, this was amazing, thanks for talking about it. Even though in my mind I didn't talk about it, I just mentioned it. So loads of girl dads, loads of moms, loads of teenagers,

loads of men also defending me so I want to say like it wasn't all bad okay well that is good on the back of it we've actually had an email that's got a few questions on it so while we're on the subject we just shall read it out dear Kate and Alex I'm Supri a long time listener and a second time

messenger I just wanted to say how absolutely incredible it was to hear Alex speak about her period on TMS truly iconic again probably shouldn't be but it was hearing menstruation spoken about so openly on a national cricket broadcast felt quietly revolutionary. For many of us listening, I don't think it was an exaggeration to say it was deeply empowering. I'm from a very small conservative town in India and as a child I dreamt of becoming a cricketer.

But when I got my first period, I was banned, wow, from playing with the boys. There was no academies willing to take a girl anyway. On top of that, I had extremely heavy and painful periods and no one spoke about it ever. Yeah, we've not even mentioned about the fact that people were really quite poorly with their periods. every month as well, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. The impact of what you do reaches much further than you probably realise. My question for a future episode is, how do athletes navigate periods during matches, especially heavy bleeding or pain when they're competing at the highest level and under so much pressure? And what role can coaches and support staff play in helping young girls feel

supported and unafraid to talk about their periods, particularly in countries where shame still surrounds it. Also, I find myself chuckling and laughing about out loud in very random public spaces while listening to the two of you. So thank you for all of the shambles. Good luck and happy holidays, Supreme. Ah, it shouldn't be. This is why it needs to be spoken about

because the more it's spoken about, the more normalized it is, because I cannot believe somebody would be banned from playing cricket for hitting puberty. That's just crazy, isn't it? It's actually heartbreaking that. Think about the barriers that girls are, had anyway just because it's never been deemed a female sport or historically hadn't and then

the moment where you're probably the most scared as a female when you've got your first period and you have to go and tell your parents about it and you don't know what some people don't even know what it is yeah and then you also get banned from the sport that probably gives you a little bit of respite from things that are going on at home or whatever else is going on in your life it's just absolutely crazy my first period was actually at a club cricket game and we were all in fully whites it was when we used to play club cricket in whites and I was like I feel a bit funny and I went to the toilet and I'd come on a period and it had been it was my first ever one and I was quite old so I was like 16 so I was

like all my friends had been through it and I knew that people I was playing with probably on their periods but I had to go into the dressing room and be like I've had my first period as Has anyone got any sort of silent-truth products? Yeah, and a girl called Emma. Emma Calvert, she's actually the director of cricket, Surrey now. She gave me a tampon, and I was like, looked it, and I was like, how do I use it? What do I do? Yeah, and she had to, like, sort of explain it to me, and it was really simple, pull it out, push it in, you'll be fine.

And I sort of figured it out. But imagine being 13 and going through that, not 16. Or younger. Yeah. Even younger than that. How did you manage it when you were playing, well, you do play professional cricket? I've, to be fair, I'm not that affected by my period, so it's never too, like, I have a bad day with it, but it's never anything that stops me from doing sport. In fact, I actually think, I've got no evidential proof for this, but I actually think I've had some of my best games when I've been on my period.

I think for whatever reason, I don't know why, whether you, sometimes some girls feel stronger or feel more switched on and stuff. don't, but I am, yeah, I'm quite lucky in that regard. But I know that test match week for the girls is obviously quite an anxiety-inducing week, especially when you've been on tour for a while and a lot of the girls have synced up. And our doctor, who's amazing, Tam, he would give us pills that would stop our periods from happening. So if you weren't on contraception to be able to control when and when you're when and where you're having your periods, he had these ones that would literally block your period which I don't know whether that's that good for you

but everyone would rather do that than risk something bad happening when you're on TV wearing your whites yeah gosh see I wouldn't do that I would just I used to just every drinks break go off and you can keep you can keep a tampon in for like five hours but I would make sure especially if it was day one I would just go off the field and change it every hour just to be ultra safe and then some people would obviously put like a little

panty liner in as well I think as well this the question about the coaches and the support staff is really important because it I would hate to think that this is a taboo subject around women's sports teams which to be fair the teams that I've been involved in it it hasn't been and it does help if you've got a female physio or a female doctor or a female coach around but I just think educate yourself if you're a coach and you coach women educate yourself on it and no one has to be rude about it like you don't have to say I know I said it tong and cheat to you earlier but like if someone's having a bad day don't be like is it because

you've got your period but have that open conversation or that dialect with your players to know that they know that you're there to help them if you need it yeah yeah it just it just blows my mind that it's even still such a thing mad absolutely crazy and it actually makes me really sad that you think about other parts of the world and how it's, it'll be much worse than it is for us. You know, we're in the UK and you've still got men being like, can't even talk about it. Whereas in places like India, it's like, okay, well, we can't play cricket now. Yeah, you can't talk about it because you've invaded a man's safe space. It has, and I have. Honestly, what is going on? It's 2026 next week, guys. Happy New Year, everyone,

by the way. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas and a happy new year. But yeah, it's 2026 next week. So grow the fuck. Women have periods. Get over it. Grosse, we've done basically 30 minutes already.

We've spoke cricket. I know. We've actually had quite a serious but fun podcast there. We needed it, didn't we? But we didn't want to do it for the Christmas episode because we had the Christmas quiz. So we knew that we wanted to give this the right amount of air time and the correct amount.

of airtime. You can email us on Noblespodcast at bbc.co.com.com.com. at BBC.com. It's so good. They've said it twice. You can also WhatsApp us on 0.3-123-1826. Friends, you can text us on 8-1-1-1. Please start your message with nobles or one word so it comes to us. I think that's the best we've ever done that. That is. And also, guys, we actually read some emails out. So, ta-da, we do read them. We do. Everyone have a very lovely New Year's Eve. It's not my favourite night of the year, but you're going out on a little excursion, aren't you?

I'm going on a boat. I'm going on a boat on the Sydney Harbour. It's like bucket list. It's going to be. That is amazing. Please send me some pictures. I know you will. But have a great night. I hope everyone has a very safe 2026. Talk to your daughters about their periods. Yeah. Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Merry Easter. Bye. Bye. Hear live ball-by-ball commentary on Fife Sports Extra And get analysis and reaction of every day's play With the Test Match Special podcast The Stops out of the ground Test match special at the ashes

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