Test Match Special - No Balls: The Cricket Podcast - It's a Valentine's Special with two very special guests!

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Your two favourite Red Roses - Kate Cross and Alex Hartley - team up with the Tailenders team to talk all things Valentine's Day. Stand by for some truly cringeworthy stories...

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Henry does beep it out for us because he's a good man. It is actually so that your family can all listen. Your kids can listen. But we will say... Sugar. That's not a sweet. He said a really bad one. Cross comes in round, a wicket.

Boulder, Lover, leaving a ball alone, Litchfield. I think it's the wobble ball, and it just nips back, it jags back. It's the nipbacker. That is a beauty from Kate Cross. An absolute seed. That is a beauty from Cross. Hello. And welcome back to No Balls of Cricket podcast with me, Kate Krofts,

and you, Alex Hartley, who is now in Pakistan with no luggage. Oh my God, could today have gone any worse? Like, you just said off air that I'm in a bad mood. And I was like, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just annoyed at the whole experience crossing. Like, I've got here, first impressions, amazing. The staff were great. I had a crying baby, the whole flight from Manchester to Dubai.

Like, didn't get a wink of sleep, which doesn't help me. I flew through the night. I then was an hour and a half delayed above Dubai, because it was raining. It doesn't even rain in Dubai. And then I go from Terminal 1 to Terminal 2 and get lost because it's so big. You have to get a bus, which takes 25 minutes. And then I land in Moulat and my suit case is in Dubai. I'm not in a bad mood though.

I'm not in a bad mood, but it's off my chest now. Feel better. How are you? Great. I am great. You've made it. You're in Pakistan. You're in Maltaan.

Yes, I am indeed. I'm actually really good. I'm really excited. I got here. I've got 50 roses, Crossy, which are amazing. I've got some Multan, Saltans biscuits. Amazing. I did see the roses on Instagram and I thought, what a touch, especially Valentine's Day.

If Harry had anything about him, it'd have been like they were from me. Do you know what he said when I was leaving? He went, you know what a Valentine's Day? I went, no, I think it's a lot of crack Valentine's Day, like, it's not me. I'm not a romantic. You went, good, because I'm dropping you off at the airport, and I don't know how I was going to give you a card, because I'll go you on. Also, welcome to the Valentine's Day special, everyone.

Yes, we have got, not one, love doctor, but two love doctors. I said that with irony, because you just said that Valentine's Day is a load of crap, and we're doing a special on Nobles, the cricket podcast, of Love, the Nerf. Um, how are you? Yeah, I'm good, thank you. Do you like my backdrop? I do. I also like how he sound. Good, yeah, I got new mic. Thanks, Henry. New mic, new headphones. And also got one of these, because I'm in the studio.

One of those little clip things on telly and it goes, take one. Well, we fill these now. We actually film them, so maybe we can use that. But yeah, I'm good, thanks. I'll have just finished my last training session before I head to the Whipple. So it's currently Monday. and I fly on a Wednesday, but I have Valentine's Day. So yeah, all exciting. We're going to be on the same time, is it? I think.

Maybe it feels like you're going to be half an hour difficult, but we're going to be closer to each other than we are right now. Do you have another real, real, real reason why I'm not in a good mood, crossy? It's on. There's a pair of scales. A pair of scales? Is that what you call them? Set of scales.

Set of scales. A set of scales in a bedroom. And I've not stood on the scales since 20, 21 and I was 55 kilograms. I stood on the scales today and I'm 64.8 kilograms. Yeah, you text me about this. It's funny because you do sound surprised about it, but then you tried to put a pair of jeans on when I was with you on Saturday

and you couldn't do them up, so I don't know what you were expecting. I was expecting to be bigger, but not 10. Kage, 10 kilograms, that's a lot. Yeah, but also, now you're going to be coaching, you're going to be moving around, you're going to be swinging at David Milan, you're going to be up and about, you're not just going to be sat behind a microphone working, so you'll lose that, don't worry. So I text my brother saying, Will, I'm absolutely mortified.

I was like, I can't believe it, like, 10, like, when I put on like 2KKG, like I can just have a big poo and it comes off, it's fine. This is like, we'll weight loss territory. I'm going to have to try and lose weight. So, we've set each other a goal, first one to lose 10 KG wins, but healthily. I was going to say, please do it properly. If someone said to you, you've been retired for four months and you've put on a bit of weight, you'd be like, yeah, absolutely, I've done it right.

And you know, Harry said to me, I went, but are you happy now? I went, yeah, I'm really happy. You went, well, then. This is all that matters. Happiness is all that matters. But you'll be happier when you lose your 10 kilos. That treadmill is going to take an absolute pounding when my suitcase. turns up. If anybody wants to join me, if anyone's struggling on, I don't know, maybe

they've put a bit of weight on and not feeling great in themselves. I'm doing a little journey. I'm not TikTok in it or anything. I'm not that person, but I'm just going to, this is, the podcast is where I hold myself accountable for things and this is where I start to become healthier by moving more. I like that. I like it. And I do think now you're going to move more, you're going to be in the sunshine, you're going to feel a bit better, you're going to want to go outside. It's going to be great. Yeah. So there's golf days every day. So the owner of Moulton rang me yesterday and just to say, look, this is what's going to happen.

David Parson's coming in. He's a spin bowling coach, but he's leaving, so you're going to take over. We've got golf days. He's giving me loads of information. He's like, you play golf, don't you? I was like, no. He went, oh, I thought you did.

He went, I'll get you a lesson. So I'm having golf lessons. Yes. Love this. Oh, my gosh. Yes. I can have you as my golf buddy. But if I don't play golf,

I'm going to go to golf to get my 10,000 steps in on the golf course. Nice, I like that Yeah Great sport You're going to be hooked down It only took me a year Yeah Oh gosh

Have you got anything on your sticky note Absolutely Nothing Right Because it feels like we recorded a minute ago Yeah that's true I have So not only have

I've got to say Happy Valentine's Day but we'll do that in like 20 minutes anyway We have spent a lot of time together and at the end of last week's episode you were like

I'm not seeing you before you go I'm going to see Emma Lamp and I pulled the guilty card who do you prefer more who do you want to see more we spent the night together it was really sweet we actually laid in bed for two hours

sorry just to clarify when we spent the night together we didn't spend the night together Happy Valentine's Day we had a lovely evening in each other's company is what happened we actually spent two hours in bed

because we got in bed We did We did sorry about that Henry but you proceeded to tell me a story that when you've been batting for England over the last year or so you've been getting pins and needles in your head yeah

forgot about this yeah it's been really strange if I bat for more than 20 minutes I get this like band of pins and needles around here and around here and I've just thought like I'm just batting more it's just you know part and part of it this was what Daddy Wyatt

and Heather Knight and all the batters must feel turns out I've got given the wrong size helmet and I've been wearing a small for 12 months and probably been squishing my brain up. Yeah. So you have the largest circumference head in the team and you're wearing a small helmet. Yes. Yes. So you thought it was a medium because? Because in the helmets, I've not brought one. Oh, there's a helmet there. I could maybe show you, but it's not worth getting up. Basically, it's got the months of the year inside the helmet. So generally, the March table, but it just says the first letter of the month and they scrub out all the months where

wasn't made so March was left for me so there's a big M in there and I thought M for medium but it turned out it was M for March because that was when the helmet was made yeah so you've just had this helmet sat on top of your head like a pee on a drum very good very very so whoopsie um yeah not my best work but I scored the winner runs at Bristol in that lid so I feel like I want to take it with me oh no here we go bring that up again you like with me with the World Cup. You won a World Cup? No.

Yeah. Lovely. So we're doing a bit different this week, aren't we? We are indeed. We've got emails, we've got Instagrams, we've got voice memos. Yep. Because we've asked you all to send in your dating disasters and your love stories. Because Toby inspired us with this.

Toby is the guy who's on the dating apps, saw someone from the Oval Invincibles on there, liked to not had a light back yet that we know of. I did ask for an update. And he suggested we do a love episode. So this is it. It's Valentine's Day. But can I just say before it's Valentine's Day, it's Pancake Day. And Panquet Day is the best day.

It is. It is. So I've got my Valentine's Day, Rosie. So we've got two guests. Shall we just bring them in all today? I've got my red rose on. Perfect. Let's go. On our podcast, Good Bad Billionaire,

we tell the stories of how billionaires made. their money. And we decide if they are good or bad. Our latest episode is probably the most famous person in the world right now. Yes, it's the record-breaking, industry-shaping Taylor Swift. You know her music, but do you know how she became the first ever billionaire musician? It involves some huge public feuds. And some messy legal battles. So is Taylor Swift good or bad? Listen to Good Bad billionaire to find out. If she's bad, the Swifties are going to come for us. Okay, we mentioned it earlier. We are joined by not one love doctor, but two.

We love doctors, and we think we've got two of the best in the game on our podcast this week. We've got not one tail ender, but two. We've got Matching and Greg James. Welcome, boys. Hello. Thank you for having us on Nobles, the cricket podcast. Do you want us to tell us to explain to your listeners why we've got two from Talenders?

Yeah, matching. Take it away. Well, I got a message on Saturday saying, we've asked Toby Tarant and we've asked Greg James, and neither of them have responded. So will you do it instead? Oh. And I said, and I went, yeah, all right, that's fine. I'll step up. And then Greg responded, so now you've got two of us because you didn't know how to let me down, Judge. Oh, that's okay. Toby also responded

but we paid Toby off so we got you too Oh you could have put Toby on He can do next year He wasn't actually available Because he was Oh no it's you that's got the wedding on Tuesday Isn't it matching?

Random. We go a random wedding tomorrow yeah That's illegal I like Toby He's a very quick bowler He's really good Is it? I played against him a few years ago in a charity game

and when he was because he's a bit younger than me he was just a kid but he was so quick he was really really good and obviously he's a fellow cricket fan and radio nerd

that feels like the only mention we'll have of cricket in this podcast this week what Toby Tarant being really quick Toby Tarant we should probably explain to you why we've actually got you

on for this Valentine's Day special I know I've been listening I know what's going on so Toby a different Toby Yeah, I know. And I've got, I can help with this. Yes, we thought you could. Right, so I'm actually, do you know about this Toby guy?

No. So Toby has been on the dating app. And is the story that he wants to go out with, he's trying to get a date with one of the Over and Invincibles team. And someone, yeah. You thought it was maybe Paige Schofield or Rihanna MacDonald Gay or Eva Gray? Or Cooper Connolly? I don't want to totally want us to go out with Cooper Colley.

Or Claudie Cooper. Claudia Cooper. So, great name. I, next week, so me and Felix from Telenders, for your listeners that don't know, are the co-chairs of Overlimincibles. And next week, we've got a genuine, no, this week, Thursday, we've got a data presentation and board meeting. Would you like me to put this at the top of the agenda? Yes. We were hopeful. We now know who this girl is because Toby has told us,

but we don't want to embarrass this girl and say who it is in case someone messages are being like, why are you ignoring Toby? So we're going to keep her a secret, but we know that it is one of those. Oh, hold on. Is this Toby Taran? No, not Toby Taran. He's, no, he's very happily married. Right. Okay. Wow. Imagine if we broke up Toby Tarant's marriage because of this vicious rumor going around. So hang on you to know

So you don't need me to do anything with the board meeting Because I don't want to bring it up I don't want it to be Yeah but she doesn't know She doesn't know She's ignored him So maybe it's just not meant to happen And we're forcing it

For our own agenda She's not in contact with him No She's ignored him So he's not even matched with her No Oh God This is a terrible start to the romance special

We're hoping this is this is how it's going to go though we've we've asked for more of dating fails than the good stories i've got i've got an interesting um light of inquiry for the podcast dating special but i don't know if tell them this as well know that the reason i got onto the podcast was through a guy called handsome chris oh yes wait we call him a different name on this podcast we call him not so handsome chris okay so then handsome chris Who, as a friend of mine, who, oh, he should be on Tadden, is not me really, because he actually knows that like that yet.

And he kind of was my segue into it. Anyway, we did a live show. I think it was at the Apollo. And Chris then texted me after I was going, who is that stunning woman, Alex Harley? She's smart. She's clever. She can bowl left arm spin. She's my dream woman.

Can you? I've got anxiety. I'm loving this. Can you set me up on a date? And I went, we follow each other on Instagram. I can... I hate that. I've got into a full body cringe.

I love it. Keep going. Keep going. I can try and erase this. And I am the love doctor. As I've been put, I'm going on my staffoscope. I haven't even seen that. Oh, God.

None of us notice that he's actually wearing a setterscope. You should wire that in so you don't need hair. headphones, you just use a stethoscope. So, so I, so I went onto Instagram and I checked, Alex, I said, what about a date with this guy? And to be honest, I don't know what happened after that. I know you went on a date.

Yeah. I didn't know this and I heard Alex say not so handsome Chris, so I already know what's coming here. I hate this. I might have to leave. I love it. I love it. Keep going. Yeah, so we went on a date, and it was lovely. We went to this, like, really bougie vegan place,

which really put me off for a start because of these vegan meatballs. I had to, I tried a vegan meatball on the first day, and I had to spit it out back into the bowl and vile. Oh. And then we were leaving, and I hadn't really had a good time. So I had a message saying. Yeah. I think that's unfair.

I think that's unfair because you were living with me at the time and I remember you came back and you were like he's lovely we just don't have much in common because he thought he was really smart well he writes books and shit I was like what are we're going to talk about well that would that would have been the dream celebrity cricket podcast wedding

wouldn't it if that had made it all the way that would have been the front page of hello that could have been the front page of wisdom but me and cross it me and cross the main thing we're best friends because we have different types of men and he is more cross-y's type of men than my type of man. Can I ask a serious question?

So are you saying that those stethoscopes are really quite loud matching? Or is that you breathing? That's me breathing, sorry. It's actually quite comforting to be on a different podcast and still hear the soundtrack of the bass note of you breathing. We've got a running joke that Matching's nose is so big that you can hear is breathing throughout the whole episode.

those brossies so it's fine yeah there was one episode where actually hundreds of people complained because I think we're doing quite a serious interview weren't we with someone it was what it was the one after Jimmy got dropped for the West Indies and so everyone was shooting in and all you could hear for the first 10 minutes was anyway I've got a serious question handsome Chris is you know by numbers are very very handsome man. Do you think there's a there's a moment where someone is intimidatingly too handsome and do you think he falls into that category? No, he's got long hair. Oh, you didn't like the long hair? Wow. Yeah, Greg, have you heard the pig and the rat theory from the podcast? The pig and the

rat? What, everyone's a pig or they're either a rat or a pig? Yeah, and and pigs are attracted to pigs and rats are attracted to rats. Fine, okay. And so that that's how me and our work, so Al's a pig. Well, Al's actually a wrigglet. Everyone finds the wriglet conventionally attractive, but she fits in the middle, but she's attracted to pigs, whereas I'm attracted

to rats, so that's why we work. Okay, what about... But ratty, hang on, ratty long hair, though, surely. Yeah, but I'm a pig. Oh, so you... So she don't fancy rats. Oh, so you fancy a pig, yeah. Right, shall we get on

from what people have sent us? Am I a rat or a pig? Great, start matching. I think you're a rat, Greg. Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. That big honker. We don't have time to get into this.

It's quite a diverse theory, so we didn't anticipate we'd go into it. Well, it's important for Valentine's Day, I think. Because, you know, if you want people to find their rat or pick, that's important. It's very rare you'll see a rat and a pig together, though. When you're next out with a walking the dog or having a coffee or whatever, look out for rats and pigs together because you don't see it that often. You don't. I'm going to find a couple and go, can I just stop you? This is extraordinary.

Because you're a rap and she's a pig. It's never going to last. Good luck. Anyway, right, I'll kick us off. So basically, we just need your reactions to some of these things that we've had sent in. Oh, right, yeah. They're not really, we were hoping for a bit more advice needed, but we've not had that. We've just had stories.

So we had one on Instagram and it says, please keep me anonymous. But I went to do a season in New Zealand 10 years ago just out of a long-term relationship and was enjoying the fruits of Tinder. I had that I was in New Zealand for cricket in my bio, so that was a conversation starter. I had a period of a couple of weeks where I saw a few guys who were in town for a domestic tournament. Anyways, long story short, I went to watch a match,

and it turns out three of the guys were involved in this one game. Two were on one side, one was in the opposition, Mortified, doesn't cover it. That was the start and end of my hot girl summer. Wow. It's great because they'd have all thought that she'd, come to watch them yeah

yeah so boys talk so one of them was like in the dresser and being like I met this chick on Tinder one of them was like oh what she called

oh me too oh me too what did she say that she just snuck off afterwards she just said that that was the end of the hot girl summer

and she activated her nun mode instead non mode non mode activated after her after her wild night with all three well we don't know that we can speculate but we don't know um right here's

one for you and what i want from both of you on this one is what would you do if you were the housemate in this situation okay so i was living with this girl and she really fancied a neighbor and they've been a bit of back and forth and i just said to my friend you you've just got to text him you've just got to ask him out for a date because the hints weren't working when we tried to do pub quizzes between the four of us. He just wasn't really getting the hints. So she ended up going on a date with him. It was going really well. And I just said, look, I'll make sure I'm not in the house because you can have the house and the flat to yourself. So I went off and disappeared. And then I came back and she was having it. And so I was like, oh,

oh my God, I've got to disappear. So I rang at another friend that I know really well called Fee. And she was like, just walk really slowly to Tesco. And is there anything you need? And I was like, well, I could always get a meal deal for tomorrow. So I got him a meal deal for tomorrow. And then came back and I was like, didn't pass ways. But I think she'd had a really good night, had my flatmate.

So you get home, I think flatmates having a wild time. What do you do? Well, I thought the, I thought the dilemma was going to be, do you go, do you go out with your neighbor? Because I just feel like that is a disaster. That could be a disaster. What's that? Is it to do with Crossie? Oh my God.

She's hiding for the benefit of the listeners. Crossy has retreated like a tortoise into her shell, into her hoodie. Krusty, were you the one getting the meal deal or were you the one? It was a meal deal of sorts It wasn't, yeah, there was a meal deal You can call it what you want, but We now have a code word in the flat though If you need to go, do you need me to go out for a meal deal?

Yeah, I can pop out for a meal deal Well, because of your, it was your neighbour. Greg, have you not heard the neighbour story? How does you haven't heard the neighbour story? So my mortifying story, my dating app fail, well, my dating fail was that I really fancy my neighbour. He moved in in last January. And, you know, I had the parasite.

I was really poorly when I came back from India. And I had to keep going, getting samples sent to hospital. And if one time I hadn't actually had my sample sent off for me, I had to go and drop it off at the hospital. Oh, no. And I'd not seen the neighbour for ages because I've been really ill. And as I've come out of my front door, I'd bump into him whilst I'm holding my own shit in my hand,

in a test tube. And I was like, how mortifying is that that the guy that you really fancy has stumbled across you whilst you were holding your own poo. It didn't put him off, log, lately. No, well, we did have the date and it went well, so. And is he still on the scene?

No, no, no, no, that, no, I think, no. Well, but he looks next door to him still. This is a fucking nightmare. Oh, this is why you know they're neighbour? You have to move immediately. You've got to move, you've got to move immediately. Thankfully, I travel away enough that I'm not there a lot. Does he listen to this podcast?

I hope not. He knew that he got the mention because we told the poo story and it got like a million views on BBC Sports. So I was like, I'm really sorry, but you've gone viral for all the wrong reasons. So he's a really a lovely guy. We're just, again, just not much in common. Okay. So my question for you both is, what is your meal deal of choice?

Well, I think you need to go longer than a meal. You just go out, well, I mean, I'm actually, I'm actually less meal deal, more Domino's deals than a sort of Boots meal deal or a Tesco meal deal. Two for Tuesday. I'm a two for Tuesday. I'm a sort of buy and get on free, a collection kind of guy. I'm also, I don't mind the wings. Yeah, I'm more of that than a meal deal, I'd say.

So you're going out and going for a meal and taking your time. Yeah, yeah. I'd give a space to eat. I mean, I think one of the saddest places on planet Earth is sitting in a domino's eating. Would that be worse than sitting in your bedroom listening to Crossy? I don't know. It'd be sort of more funny. Oh, God.

Oh, man. Right. Shall we move on? Yep. Next one. Right, I've got another voice note that came in here. I don't think there's a question to this. This is just such...

It's just such a harrowing date. I'll play it. Many moons ago, I was on a date with a guy that I'd met on one of the apps. I think it might have been so far ago that it was Tinder. And I think it was actually the second date, which was just like pure politeness. on both of our parts really and it was not going well

the conversation wasn't flowing clearly wasn't a spark there was no attraction I don't think either way but you know we're British so you must continue so at some point I found myself saying the following sentence on a date

remember that so where is your nearest being Q I'm followed question But what is the worst question you've ever asked on a date? Oh. Oh.

I would never have asked that. I mean, probably, it is probably, if you ask the wrong person, are you into cricket, is the worst question you can ask. But it does, it does sort of, yeah. I don't know, I don't think I've had, I haven't had that many terrible dates to be quite, I've had my work, the worst ever thing that's maybe ever happened on a day is I went back with a girl and the next morning. I woke up. This was, this was during this, the wilderness years.

And I woke up and I didn't realize that she had, she was living in a flat share of four people. And I came out of the toilet after being violently, violently, violently sick. And everyone was like, oh no, morning Greg James. Oh, no. and it was also sort of waiting in the doors of their own rooms waiting and laughing at me. It was the one of the worst because I couldn't even string a sentence together to even laugh it off because I was just vomiting. Oh no.

Oh, no. And it sort of, it made me, yeah, I mean, it's traumatic to this day. But questions wise, I don't remember any, what about you matching, any howlers? I was trying to think of something Do you know who matching Tendorka is? Google me I was trying to think of something PG and suddenly want to go too graphic

and you just went there great I remember one of the dates I had a few years ago and I wondered how you'd feel about this is I walked into it was like a Japanese restaurant and the tables were like all quite close to each other you know where there's like two two two and we sat down and the table

the couple just left the table next to us and she reached over and grabbed some of the leftovers from the plate next to us and just had a bit of that and I was like oh I don't know can you do it she was like they're done with it yeah you know what she's a pig she's a pig how would you feel about that that's not that's not that's a red flag That's a red flag. That is letting your intrusive thoughts win. Yeah.

Well, okay, let me be fair to the woman. What was it? What food was it? You can't justify it. If we're talking, you know, an edema bean, then I think that's pretty low. That's not great. If you're talking like full gyoza, I'm interested. Yeah, it was a little bit of sushi, so it's not been touched.

It was not being half been. It was fully formed. so it was clean but it's just the act of it that you'd throw me off guard I'd do it I would do it

I wouldn't do it on a first date no oh they haven't they haven't finished their me-so soup I'd be mortified I'd leave I'd get up and leave

if handsome Chris had done that on our day I'd have got up and left it sounds like you got up and left anyway yeah it sounds like that's what he did oh he did offer me his jacket

and I thought I thought, I can't take your jacket because it means I've got to see you again. Oh. Alex, this is one of Matches' best friends. Yeah, it's fine. We get on, we get on well. Brutal life. Right, here's another one.

Well, she was holding her own shit. Crossey, I can't believe that I missed that story because that would have been, I'd have got about two hours of that out on the breakfast show. honestly it was the worst best moment of my life when was this this would have been it was before ashes just before the ashes wow wow and I even took a picture I'll find it for you I took a little picture of me in the car holding my poo bag yeah I'll find it and this is what went far I can't believe that you didn't see it it went so so so it feels very much in my wheelhouse

yeah I'm so glad I did also you've got to excuse but look how poorly

I look as well like that's right and I even put it in a sandwich bag because I thought it doesn't look

right just being in a test tube so I wrapped it up in a sandwich bag wow good job matching that date

wasn't there saw some leftovers oh someone doesn't finish their sandwich Oh gosh, right. Move on, move on.

Move on. Next voice not. I don't know which one this is. I once was on a work trip to Australia and I met a nice girl and we got on nicely. We were both working for the same company so had each other's numbers and we'd gone on a night out during the trip and had said oh we should do something at some point and go for some drinks or whatever so we go to sydney organize these drinks and i had to work during the day um anyway due to meet the girl at seven o'clock at a bar get to this bar and she's there

with her mum and her mum's friend and one of her friends and what I thought was a nice one-on-one date with this nice girl turned out to be a date with her mum and it's a nice way to meet her. The girl was Alex, co-host of the Nobles Cricket Podcast. Oh my God! Do you know what? Do you know what?

Halfway through that, I was about to go, that sounds like the sort of thing that Hartley would do. It was you. It was me. There is a whole story to this as well. So not only have I gone on this date with Harry, who I've now been with for the last four years, and took my mum.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, but four days earlier, he asked me out. So I text Crossy and I say, I've been asked out by this lad that works for the ICC. And he said, oh, don't tell me it's that Harry. He asked me out yesterday. I thought, no. He's a pig, though, was they?

He's a pig. He's a pig. Does it work? There's so many layers to this story because not only was Al's mum there, but I found out the other day that Henry was also there, our producer, so he was on this date. Producing. Emera, Emeran's producing it. Can we bring Henry in, please?

Yeah, we need Henry in. I know there's enough men in cricket, but there's not enough. I don't think there's enough Henry in this podcast. Hey guys. I was there. Yeah, I was there. It was honestly one of the more serious.

Because also Alex is, there's one thing about Alex's close family and their immediate friends. Is they're quite full on? No. I don't believe that for a second. Alex had just told me to come along me and this Harry are going through some drinks and we'll meet some of the other guys there. I was like, yeah, that sounds good.

I've got there. Harry's like dressed up in his shirt. Oh. And there's Alex's mom and her mate have obviously been. for a sort of boat cruise around Sydney Harbour at least three bottles of wine here. And poor, he gets there looking absolutely terrified. Honestly, it was the most unconventional start to a date I've ever seen.

Were you, was it a traditional date? Were there date questions? Were you asking about being Q and stuff? Was it? So, it was a traditional date in the fact that we went for dinner. I just took my mum, my best friend and her. friend. So they went for the whole thing.

But look, I mean, it's clearly it's worked. But also, it's quite a good idea because if you're not into it at that point, then it's game over. But clearly Harry was like, was charmed by it. So that's, you found, you found the right person. I threw him in the deep end well and truly. And he messaged me saying, I thought that was going to be a first date. Turns out you brought an entourage.

Yeah, but also it's quite clever from you because it means that you're, your entire family can sort of sound him out as well well i've never taken a parent on a first date previously maybe that's where you've been going wrong clearly and your producer and here was my mother and my auntie and my producer and my producer okay and i brought henry to commentate Henry's capturing content for the podcast. Honestly, it was utterly, utterly serious. Has anyone been on a date and they've taken a parent?

Anyone else? No, not taking a parent. So when I first was first going out with Bella and we'd had maybe two or three dates. So it was really early. And I was on the tube one day and I was sat opposite this woman who kept looking at me. I'm like, this is really weird.

And then she got up and she just suddenly, she stood over me. She went, you're going out with my sister. And it was the most terrifying thing. And Lizzie, Bella's sister, is so terrifying. She's quite tall and really sort of just like severe. And she stood over me and she went, you're going out with my sister. And that was the start of an amazing friendship. I'm really good friends with her now.

But that was, so that was sort of, that could have gone either way. I could have been really scared off because the family's quite intense. But, but that was quite a nice thing. But I freaked out. I was like,

please say Bella. Bella, sister. Imagine if you got the name wrong at that point. Yeah. Are you Lucy sister? I mean, uh, yeah.

Speaking of getting names, wrong, Henry Moran? Oh, no. We were discussing this episode the other day. I was recalling. Back in the day before, like, WhatsApp voice notes, there was an app that sort of, when there were sort of different apps for everything,

like, there was an app called Haytel where you sent voice notes to people. This is like sort of 10, 12 years ago, and I started seeing this girl, and I thought, I knew it was her birthday, and so I thought I'll send her a happy birthday. You know, I'll sing happy birthday, this message and I started singing it and I got to the second happy birthday to you

I realized there was an enormous problem coming over the horizon which I'd had a blank about what her name was I just couldn't remember some live for me and I went for it got the wrong name knew I'd got the wrong name and there was no recourse once you let go of the button it was gone there was no cancellation and so all the idea was sort of faded out happy birthday oh my gosh I sent it, gone. She was done. I never, never, I never saw her again. What might have been?

Did she reply? No, she didn't. That was it. I think, you know, at that point, I mean, you've got no. Yeah, you've blown it by that point. I mean, I had a horrible one with, there was a girl, I was obsessed with at school called Jenny. And it was just, we, we eventually managed to get together briefly

when we were coming back from university. And I was so, you know, you know, it's like love of your life. oh my God, it's finally happening. This is unbelievably. This is so cool. And it was when the killers were massive in that first album. They had a song called Jenny was a friend of mine. And I remember lying in her bedroom at her mom and dad's house where we grew up.

And I put Jenny as a friend of mine on and started singing it to her. Because I was sort of in my head. I was like, because you were a friend of mine and now, you know. and I went for it and that really that was it it was done it was it was over yeah

sort of maybe five five years of work five it was like deleting an entire dissertation it was like five years of work and it was just it was done oh my gosh yeah

I actually I actually can't listen to that song now I wonder why I did so me and my girlfriend when our first year together I was trying to do we had an agreement

that we wouldn't spend any money for the first valentines so you had to do something creative so I wrote and produced a comedy love song which was supposed to be funny which I thought was great and I put it all on garage band

and then I performed it I had it on my phone I still got it Can you play it? Absolutely not. I remember there was it was supposed to be so basically she's a paramedic

but at the time she was in the thing called the Heart Team which was like an anti-terrorist squad, so it's H-J-R-T or something health and anyway. So I said the lyric was, the chorus was

car nine nine is that the heart team there's been a sexy attack In my pants, my name is Mett. What are you talking about? At the end of it, she just stood there. She was like, that was weird. There was nothing.

I was like, that took me a week. That is horrific. that there's been a in my hands very conscious that you both have to go in three minutes and this has been a weird ass podcast I don't know if one's going to listen to it or not

but there is some cricket that's starting on Thursday and are we excited for it? What's going to happen? I don't even know the lads in India yet. Are they bad? They're not actually. I don't think they are. I think they've been in Abu Dhabi for a bit,

haven't they, golfing? And I think some of them saw their families and stuff. I know, I think the girls went out to see Jimmy. So I think they'll be back in the next couple of days, I guess. And, well, I mean, I've heard you not talk about it, but what an amazing couple of test matches. It was so sad not to have one this week, but I think you made the point last week about how they managed to gaslight India into thinking that they were going to lose. It's so good.

It was an unbelievable couple of test matches. And I just think, I mean, I was just so pleased. You know, you obviously both know Jimmy so well, but Crossy as a fellow Seema, it must have been, I was so excited and happy for him that he bowled so brilliantly and looked so fit and well. Yeah. Do you know what? We obviously had the test match in India before Christmas,

and I think I've found a new level of respect for him for what he did last week. I was like, there's no way that Seamas can have any success unless you call Jasperit Bummer when you're in India. And then he just goes and does that. And it's actually, I think, come just getting annoyed at him now because he makes it look so easy well but what was really interesting last episode wasn't it matt he was for for the first time in a long time he talked

very seriously about how he didn't think he was fit enough last summer for his own for himself and he said that he wasn't eating as well as he should have been and he wasn't quite as physically fit as he should have been and now he's gone up a level he's changed his diet he's changed his run up slightly and has been working out he's basically worked out the whole of autumn apart from the tailender's tour but apart from apart from and eating lots of pizza but apart from that throughout the autumn and the winter and through December apparently he was just in the gym every single day and completely in the zone and looks mad he looks shredded doesn't he looks shredded yeah looks mad yeah keep going um sad news though jack leach yeah got it's a jack

Poor Leachie. But here's one for you. The ECB put out a thing yesterday saying the bravest man we know. I don't think Jack Leach being injured constitutes being the bravest man in the world. No. I saw that and winced and thought

the word brave is a bit weird. It's a bit like when commentators use the word disaster. You're like, well, there's quite a few wars on. I think that's more of a disaster than a fucking runout. I think we can all say that matching is actually the bravest person we know for sending that song. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's truly brave.

True, true, yeah. And what, that is the hero that we all need. But yeah, just we feel, you know, Leachie just is one of those, he's one of those amazing competitors, isn't he? But he's also one of those brilliant comedy, calamity characters where he's just like, oh, he's just a bit unlucky, he's a bit of, he's a bit, he's a bit of, he's a bit to be, isn't he? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He worked so hard as well to get back, bless him. Yeah, he looked really, he looked fit and well, didn't he? But he'll be back. He was looking really fit as well at the moment because he came on, he came on tall with us. He just, he's been on a diet and he looks ripped.

Yeah. Did you write him a song? No, but I will to tell him out. Can you make us a song matching? Do you write one for no balls? I do not one one. I don't want one. I don't want one.

I'll get back in the studio. I mean, just the thing about Jack Leach though, I mean, I think they use the word brave because of his underlying health issues as well. I know what they're getting at, but what they mean is he's an absolute trooper and has to go through a lot easier and just to get on the field. And then when he gets on the field, he concusses himself in the first over or whatever. So he's just a bit of a trip's over his own knee at.

He's a calamity, but he'll be greatly missed out there. Well, it made me Google the bravest person in the world. You can see who that was and I had no idea who it was. Did you not? See, that's where I'm fascinated with that, exactly. it's because lots of other people would then go oh I wonder who that is I'm going to learn about it but you're like now I don't know if that is next

because who you expect it seems to be like I don't know Bruce Willis or something I don't know what I was expecting wasn't someone that I'd never heard of I was expecting Bravest man in the world I should have heard of them Brave heart Yeah

Brave Brave Art James Bond Who It came up Jack Leach it's really strange. Anyway. We've got to let you go. All right.

Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us on Kovol's cricket podcast. Thank you so much. Matching is now taking off. Always put his stethoscope back on. No, no, take it off. Session is raised. The two of the best love doctors in the country.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Go well, guys. Bye. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Well, Crossie, I don't think that could have gone more off piece than we thought it would have, but it did.

We didn't give a single bit of advice. No. We just talked about our own dating disasters. And we've told everyone that your boyfriend asked me out before he asked you out. Yeah. But hopefully it's given some people a bit of a laugh this week because there's no much cricket on. It starts on Thursday, so we will be back talking all things, PSL, Test Cricket, Whipple. You go out for the women's IPL.

But we've just had a quiet week, so we thought we'd mix things up and have a bit of fun. Yeah, so happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Perfect. Happy Pancake Day. Happy everyone. Email us on. No ballspodcast at bvc.com.com.com.com.com. Thanks for your emails. We didn't read them out.

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