Test Match Special - No Balls: The Cricket Podcast - The most disgusting sandwich you've ever heard of

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

As the season heads towards a close, Kate and Alex talk through their weeks and receive some wild emails. And with the IPL back underway, Graeme Swann checks in from Mumbai.

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Bring more gear, carry more passengers, face greater challenges. Welcome to the world of Defender, with seating up to eight, ample cargo space, and legendary off-road capability. It's built to make the most of every adventure. Learn more at landrover.ca. BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. and cross strikes in the first over it's what England we're looking for

Hartley falls down the track comes scoring this time she connects it's either six or out it's six hello and welcome back to No World's Creaky podcast with me Kate Cross and you Alex andra Hartley I'm going to just put this out there before we start I've forgotten my microphone

so I do apologise oh podcasting is life now this is our job you can't just forget that'll be like me forgetting my cricket bag to go to a game

speaking of forgetting cricket bags oh no we had our last game on Saturday and I got up Sunday morning and just left my cricket bag on the bus

so Laura Jackson's like, by the way, I've got your cricket bag. Wow. Yeah. So now you're getting people, not only are you the podcast, but you are getting people to transport your cricket bags to and from games for you now. Yeah, it's great. And you know what? I don't need that bag for another six weeks. So Laura, you can put it in your shed. I mean, of all the people in that team, you probably need that bag the least as well. We've spoke about this. You just need a little spikes bag. Literally. Although every single game for the thunder this year, I have probably had to bat. so can you please talk me through what i saw in the internet yesterday of you being run out what was that

right here's my thought process if you haven't seen it it's on my twitter i was run out in the most shambolic way but the paddle was on so i was like right i'm going to paddle right joss no don't be like that because i can paddle there was no fine leg there's a deep square so i'm going to paddle i'm batting on middle stump i go across my stumps get hit on the back pad and i was like well i'm out LB and it was given not out so I was like well where's the ball because I didn't hit it so I was like the ball must have gone somewhere

so I started running early I was like no get back in your crease and then I was like really disorientated tried to get back in my crease couldn't so got run out in the worst way possible I then went on to the field when we were bowling I said to the umpire

why wasn't I out LBW because it felt pretty out to me he went I've never been asked that question before why wasn't I out you were questioning an umpire as a batter as to why you weren't giving out honestly walked I was like that he starts I've watched it on the replay out maybe you thought you hit it no he said it was going down like what it was actually the anniversary as well I saw that run out it was the anniversary of you

with your infamous leave to Katie Levick this time last year like what a day yeah what a day so I got out this time last year leaving the ball and I got out in the most shambolic way a year later so I'm just this time next year to see what happens who knows who actually knows what's going to happen um how are you I'm all right thank you I'm a bit flat yeah I can hear that we're both a bit flat today actually aren't we we we're both a bit tired yeah a bit tired bit flat um I've traveled from Worcester to Lester from my hotel room to my hotel room so I'm just in bed nice okay 30 p.m had a subway I'm gonna watch my head at first sight We still need to put a foot-long subway and a cookie on top of your head

so we can work out the difference between you and Steve and Finn. Well, I've got a foot-long subway and a packet of crisp, but I've eaten half of it, so I've got a six-inch and a packet of crisps. It's not going to work. You'll be the same height as, I don't know, Stuart Broad. Anyway, how are you? I'm all right, thank you. What am I up to?

We're in Stratford. At the minute we've been playing at Worcester. I don't know why I was staying in Stratford. It's very long way away from the ground. 40 minutes away, isn't it? No, it was like an hour on the bus yesterday. And it was an 11 o'clock start as well. And so we had to leave the hotel like seven to get to the ground.

So the game yesterday, which was our second ODI against New Zealand, was a long day. Rain delay as well. A little rain, always seems to be a little rain delay when we put at Worcester. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know as well. I learned yesterday that Worcester is the only county ground on the circuit that doesn't have floodlights. Well, I thought this.

I was like, I wonder why it's not a day-night game. and they're like it's got no floodlights I've never noticed that before no I've never noticed it either apparently it's something to do with the fact that it does always flood there oh so like electric and stuff electrics but then I wonder why they call floodlights what an introduction to this podcast

yeah with that I think we should go into the comeback of trough and peak of the week have you thought about it I've got a few things on my stick notes that I can throw in there as my trough and peak of the week but um all right nice we could we could crawl our way through it if you want we could and i only think it's fair that

england's leading wicket taker since 2019 goes first oh thanks for dropping that in how good is that how good that's that's my peak of the week oh well what do i have yeah you go first is there was a little stat yesterday that you are the leading wicket taker for England since 2019. In one day cricket. Yeah, because you don't play D-20s. Or test matches because we don't play any. Yeah, I got sent that stat actually by you.

Our content capturer in the team sent it me as well. And my brother also sent me. So it was nice little stat to read, but a bit mad that, isn't it? Yeah, crossy. Like, we're debating if you're going to get in the team or not. I'm texting you before the first game. Like, I won't start. Don't worry about it.

Just goes to show, though, doesn't it? Like, you never really feel secure in a team or in an international team. Definitely not. Definitely not. What's your peak of the week? My peak of the week, seems like you've done one of my highlights. I'm going to do one of your highlights. So I came off the pitch yesterday at Worcester.

and I saw Henry Moran. And he immediately was like, have you heard of Hartley's blunder that she said on air? And I was like, no, interestingly, I've not heard it, because I've just been playing a game of cricket. And he had it to hand, literally played your blunder on air. Yep. Do you want me to play it? Yep.

I'll give some context. So we're talking about Charlie Dean and her getting her first international wicket and what it feels like, what it means like, and what I felt like when I got mine. So here we go. So once I did get that wicket, I was almost a sigh of relief and you can relax and start to enjoy it and enjoy the moment, soak in the atmosphere. And that's exactly what Charlie Dean should be doing, just enjoying every single moment of this.

Every time the cloud crapper. Clapper. The cloud crapper. Sorry. Instead of saying crowd clap her, I decided to say cloud crapper. Well, I panicked at first because. I was like, oh my God, is she going to get sacked Henry? He was like, no, no, no, it's not that bad.

It was funny. So I was like, okay, let's listen. And he played it for me. Wow. Honestly, right. I was, I was, cloud crapper. Cloud crapper. It doesn't even sound like crowd clapper.

Well, yeah, you've just got your syllables mixed up. You've got your consonation, what they call, a consternation mix up. Is that right? Consternation. Wait, if you're on, if you were on countdown, you'd ask for a vowel or a constant. Constantin.

Constinate Oh my God This has been a shambolic episode already What I'm thinking of then? Oh a consolation That's like a consolation prize in it When you like do rubbish You're a consolation prize

Gosh, so yeah I had a slip up on air Yeah So I can remove that off my sticking out Actually because I wanted to discuss that So that was my peak of the week What's your trough of the week? My trough of the week was

we played on Saturday and the season's over. We decided to have a few team drinks and I was like, right, bed by 12 because I've got to get up and commentate the next day. Anyway, the Hilton bar kicked us out of the bar and they were like, you can buy drinks from the fridge, the mini fridge, so we bought drinks from the mini fridge, took them back to the bar and they were like,

you can't have them in the bar. So I was like, right, okay. I was like, right, well, one more and I'm going to bed, half 12 going to bed. So I was like, you can all have them in, my room. So about eight of us went up to my room. What time did they leave? Half past three. What? Was that too early for you? No. No. My alarm was going off at 25 past six. Always the danger when you agree for people to come into your room though. Like you're the host. You

can't just boot people out. No. And then my alarm went off at 20 past six. I snoozed it. Fell asleep, woke up at half seven. I was like, oh no. I'm going to be late for work. Oh yeah. You sounded tired that morning as well you looked all right when you got to the game to be fair to you when i saw you after it yeah well i got there and put my makeup on i was like right i'm fine yeah you'll be fine my trough of the week also involves you oh god brilliant i'm just going to read out a little conversation that we had on thursday morning from my WhatsApp oh no what have i done we were we were trying to arrange to go for a coffee because we're allowed to socially distance and and have a little coffee so i said um i'm doing nothing in the morning and we don't check out until

12. And you put, okay, should we meet 10, 30, 11? I was like, I'm not going to set an alarm though, day after a game again, because I'm shattered. And you said, okay, yeah, just text me when you wake up and I'll do the same. I said, okay, deal. I said, do you go to London tomorrow or are you going on Saturday? This was for your last game. And you went, I'm going to go tomorrow. Got to go meet my tailor at one. He's only 35 minutes away. So no rush. My tailor. Who are you? My Taylor. As soon as I said that, I was like, that sounds like the worst thing. Like, who am I? Harley, you grew up in Reed. Yeah, Burnley. Who do you think you are? Yeah, well, darling, I've got a tailor.

My tailor. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I did go for a coffee. And anyway, I said, that's probably the worst thing that you've ever said. I'm putting it on my podcast note. Yeah, obviously. I thought you were going to say, where do you want to meet? And I was like, there's a coffee shop next door. And you were like, selfish? Yeah, that was another, yeah, that was very selfish of you. Do you want to just come immediately to my hotel and I won't have to do anything and you'll put all the effort in? That shambolic

bit of trough and peak of the week is like us really, just a shambles. Yeah, we're just a bit of shambles at the minute, aren't we? Well, we're both away from home. Like, I'm in a COVID bubble again. We're touring, you're touring. Psychopaths on tour. This is what it is. There's so many psychopaths, by the way. On tour, loads people, yeah.

So good. We love seeing all your games, so keep hashtagging psychopaths on tour. Please and thank you. Yes. I have a few things on my sticky note. Should we go through that? Yeah. And then we've got some emails to actually go to this week, haven't we?

Yes, we have. So I, a couple of months ago, went to Clevedham Pier with Henry Two Fingers. I don't know if you remember it. And in fact, what am I talking about? This is my peak of the week. Oh, okay. How has this not been my peak of the week? And when I got my fifer in Taunton,

that was around the time that me and Henry last went to go to Cleveland Pier, peer of the year, 2021. We got very excited. Apparently one direction have been on this pier as well. They did a music video on this pier. So it's quite a famous pier. And all those plaques, if you remember, Shelly and Shane snogged here, we never found them.

Nat's ever had a plaque. She had one that we didn't find. Henry Two Fingers bought me my own plaque that has got Kate Cross 5 for 34 written on it which was my figures from Taunton and it was the cutest day and we went and saw it

when we were playing after Bristol So you've got a plaque like on the pier somewhere? On the pier and we went to find it yeah How cute is that? For me and Nat Siver both share a peer Love that with a thousand other people With loads, Shelley and Shane

Yeah I share a peer with Shelley and Shane now How much did said plaque cost? I don't know, I've not asked. Because it can't be cheap to have a plaque on a pier. It was £3 to get in, so... I don't know. Cute, though. Hemmy two fingers, what a belter.

That is cute. My sticking out this week, I've got a couple of things. Do you know we had the pranksters in the 100? Yeah. Well, we finished cricket training the other day and got it in your car. And you went, what the hell is that on my car? And I was like, what, where, how, and turned around to look out the back window. And the pranksters had put a pair of car eyelashes on your car.

I was like, what the fuck are those? Get them off my car immediately. Put them in the bin. So we took them off and put them on the S&C's car. And he didn't see them. He didn't know. And he went to Old Trafford to go to the gym. and the security man was like nice eyelashes he was like uh thanks

thought he was on about his eyes but he had eyelashes on his car very funny he didn't tell anyone either until the next training session did he so he didn't know what was going on or why they'd happened but they'd put them on everyone's cars it was great it was great it was funny great prank they must have spent a lot of money on that though yeah but that's the best thing about a prank though you want it to be worth you while i've um got the dinosaurs with me in my cricket bag i've brought them on this tour with me. And a few people have been like, what, why, what are they? Why have you got them in your bag? And I just, you can't even explain it really. You've just got a role with

it and just like, yeah, it just is. Just everyone's got dinosaurs. Just is. You wouldn't have seen finals day on Saturday. I didn't know. No. I was watching avidly. And we have to, we've, I've invented something. Specky's Only is obviously a big part of the podcast. Speck is only is a big part of Thunder training. Specky's Only is a big part of Thunder training. Specky's only is a big part of the world now Yeah gone viral again another Well it's not a theory It's another thing that just is

Jordan Cox Did some incredible boundary field in Like racing around from cow Jumped over the rope Palm the ball back in And I think it was Milne who took the catch To complete the wicket The best thing I've ever seen

It was incredible Like slow motion doesn't do it justice Because of how far he'd run around the boundary But everyone was then tweeting the no-ball's account saying got to invite Jordan Cox into Specky's Only Club. And I was like, well, technically, it wasn't a catch. Technically, I ain't a Specky. But it was an assist.

Right. Okay. I see where you're going with this. So hashtag, I think it was assist Specky's only. It was Specky assists only. If you're going to make a hashtag crossy, you've got to remember it. Well, no one's done one since, so I've forgotten. There'll be like two a year. specky assists only i think there'll be more than that i think assists are going to start coming into cricket now yeah so do you think it'll be like caught by mills assisted by cox

yeah well i think you'd get like you know with runouts how you could have like a hartley thrill keld run out i think it'd be like a miln cox catch so i think like two people would get the credits specky assists only guys becky assist only so send us some videos in let us know show us some specky assist but yeah we've got a new hashtag we have i still prefer speckies only speckies only just it works a bit better does it i've got two more things on my podcast and else what about you okay okay first one your first day of your bubble life we did the zoom and we did the podcast and you're like hang on i just need to order my lunch and get a drink you ordered a virgin mehito with your lunch and your hotel room.

Yeah, I did. And I was like, that is one of the roguest things I've witnessed this summer, I think. Yeah, I was just sipping a little virgin mehito while we were interviewing James Anderson. It was all a bit bizarre. So not only, was it just like,

yeah, I'll have a mehito, you like, but no alcohol? Well, yeah, I ordered it off a certain company that delivers food to your hotel. And I was just like, I bet that's nice, nice and refreshing. I thought I've got nothing to look forward to today because I'm stuck in my room so I had a little virgin mehito.

I love that. I love it. It was nice. Speaking of Jimmy, we've listened back to the episode, haven't we? I actually think he came across very well in it. He did. He was like a grumpy northerner,

but like it's him, isn't it? And he was fine. Yeah. And we got a lot of good feedback on that episode as well. Everyone said that it was like really interesting to hear questions that he's probably never been asked before. Literally because we're like, Like we're not going to talk about actual cricket.

We didn't literally didn't speak to him once at any wits. Nah, well, you don't need to. Well, no, not when he's squad in 81. Exactly. Like, that guy can bat. Yeah, get him up the order, Chris Silverwood. I have got to admit something. Okay.

I was commentating on your game yesterday and everyone was like, can crossy back? She's coming in at 10. I was like, look, she's number 10 for a reason, but she can bat. she got 50 last weekend playing for the thunder I was like so she can back but she's not a batter and then you got out and Tash Farring came in got 20 and when she hit her four through the covers first ball or whatever it was and I was like get her in at 10 then Henry was like but then crossies 11 I was like oh yeah didn't think of that yeah you know what that's probably

what was most disappointed with with that game yesterday because I had an opportunity to bat for like 20 overs and I had the opportunity to bat with Danny Wyatt as well so it would have been so easy to just give her some strike and I genuinely feel like I missed out on at least 40 runs yeah but that's that's always the case in it that that innings yesterday of yours comes with its own added pressure your international team has completely failed and you're in as a tailender yeah but I think we've got a team where we don't have tail enders but the pressure actually comes with the position that you bat, because when I'm 11, a bit like what Jimmy said on the pod last week,

you know that if you get out, that's it. So if I'd have been batting, like, as Tash was, as number 11, well, actually, how she got out. She was so frustrated she got out because she knows that she could have supported Danny for those last seven or eight overs. Yeah. And so the pressure actually comes with the position that you bat,

not your skill level, because we can all bat in this team. Yeah, I reckon like Tash and you, best number 11s in the world. Yeah. Well, I even, Al, I got up to nine the other game. I know. And I saw you do a little look over your shoulder. They were like, oh, no fine leg, paddles coming. Did you say it on air? Yeah. Yes. Love that.

I was like, I betcha paddles first ball. Dunk paddle. Yeah. I don't know why people don't have like a really fine, fine leg for me, because I'm just going to do it all the time unless someone's there. I was like, she not going to do it again, is she? I should have done. Anyway, sorry that we digress. Have you got one more sticking out?

You go, because mine will take us into our emails. Okay, so I played at Worcester yesterday, and I could see you talking to your parents at the far side of the ground, so I packed up my bags really quickly and came to say, hello. I was like, don't want to miss her because I don't know when I'm going to see you again, blah, blah, blah. So I raced over, and your dad was there

in a Worcestershire County Cricket Cup. honestly it came down from where they were sitting and I was like what have you got on your bonts what is that yeah they had the three pairs on it he was rocking the Worcestershire merch he'd got to the club shop and got a Worcestershire it's like a commemorative cap of like 150 years of Worcester cricket club must have cost him about 50 quid and he said I needed to get out of the sun it was really oh that sums my dad up so much so much bless him I know I know

he's listening in order now as well so he'll probably hear this by the time that the weekend comes around yes good hello Dave so my final sticky note is that Anna Harris made her international debut yesterday in our game at Worcester and I've never ever ever known this to happen

in fact this is the second thing that's happened this week in cricket that I've never seen happen before. The first one was at finals day when Daniel Bel Drummond rugby tackled someone and it went for six when he'd caught the ball. Yes. Yes. You see that? Because it was pain, wasn't it? Again, it was Jordan Cox caught the ball at deep midwicket, but it was one of them where they could have collided the two fielders. Daniel Bell Drummond runs in, ends up literally tackling Jordan Cox. But in the tackle, he's touching the boundary sponge. So then it was deemed a six rather than being out, even though Jordan Cox was like a metre away from the boundary.

It was very, very odd. Then Anna Harris, first game debut international umpire, she doesn't do the second half because she was poorly. So she must have been poorly going into the first half, but gone now, I need to power through this, I'm all right. And then just because of... Subbed in. Subbed in. I've never known that.

So I think we should start by going upstairs with Anna Harris, but then subbing Pollock because he came and did the second half for us Yeah, maybe she just didn't eat enough carbs before a big day or something Let's start by going upstairs with her and then we'll sub someone in halfway through

Yeah, all right, all right, come on then Anna Third week in a row, you lucky devil. You lucky devil. Right, there's one here and the subtitle, is that what it's called? Yep. Men in the toilet Nice

Hi Alex and Kate In response to your question about men doing up their flies Not zipper, that's American, and belts It's better to do it after you wash your hands Otherwise all the germs will stay on your belt and trousers This negating you washing your hands Men doing this as they are leaving the toilet Is perhaps part of the reason why men rarely queue for a public toilet

While women, well they're queuing Yeah because we have to sit down to we? So you actually need like a stall to we? Yeah. Anyway, so apparently this guy reckons all men wash their hands and then do their zipper. So they just like waddling to the toilet with their trousers down their ankles to wash their hands. That sounds like a really, really bad excuse. Does, doesn't it? Yeah. No, I'm not having that one. Morning both. It's great to hear you both back up and running again after a well-deserved break. Love your work on the podcast. everything is better with a healthy dose of irreverent northern humour.

I thought it said irrelevant. Both kind of work. Yeah. Sorry to hear about your experience with hotel breakfasts. Any buffet that shuts before 10.30 earliest is frankly an affront. As a touring classical musician regularly accustomed to a hotel breakfast, it sounds to me as if Emma Lam and Harmon Preet of the act of breakfast banditry honed to a fine art.

is of course essential but there's nothing worse than getting caught short in an airport train station or motorway service hub having to surrender half your living expenses on a lukewarm excuse of a pick who is this and why are they so angry anyway sorry to hear jaspic bummer has ghosted your request to be a nobles ambassador thus far maybe it's because he's preoccupied with the real prospect of having no actual balls as his bowling arm catapults between his legs and cannons into his pills like a slingshot after every delivery I've never noticed that

amazing snap from the wrist but at what cost hope it's not too serious and that he'll join your team in no time please keep up everything that you're doing with the pod with very little certainty over the immediate trajectory of COVID etc the continuity of your dulcet tones

brings light and structure where it may be in short supply over the course of the winter cheers there's no question There's no question. All right, I'll come up with a question. What's your favourite sandwich? Good question.

Do you know what? I really like a ham cheese and mustard sandwich with sort of minute crisps. Crisps on the sandwich? On the sandwich, yeah. Yeah, nice. Prone mayo. What is this fascination with pro-mail sandwiches?

We have it in the Thunder team. Yeah, everybody loves a prawn mayo. The worst sandwich. you're putting fish in two pieces of bread and putting mayonnaise like the worst you're putting a pig in two pieces of bread I'm not because mine doesn't look like a pig you know I have a fear of eating animals that look like they did when they were alive you know I can't eat chicken on the bone because it looks so similar to what it did when it was alive a slice of ham doesn't look like a little pig hello Kate and Alex I have a question last weekend I played my first ever

cricket game, I'm 33, it was a charity event that happens every year. Now, I didn't suck, but let's be honest, it's really a lot harder than it looks. We were all a team of women, mainly playing against more experienced guys, and next year I want to go back and feel a lot more prepared and confident. If I'm willing to work at it, what can I do in a year to boss next year's charity game? Have you got any general tips to give us all, and how do we get started? it takes practice really doesn't it that's what we do a lot of in our spare time and as a bowler all you want to do is try and bowl straight and as a batter all you want to do is try and hit the ball straight

literally like practice practice practice even if you're playing preseco cricket with the girls on a Thursday night just go and have a bit of fun enjoy it don't take yourselves too seriously because it sounds like you crap and you've got to go the prosceco might help but yeah like you said play straight bowl straight be great play straight be great how many bowlers meetings do we have every single year

every single time we play a team and we come out of the bowlers meeting with the plan of hitting the stumps yeah you go right what we're going to do today now we've reviewed all their batters bowl straight hit the stumps yeah and then even at international cricket yeah and then on the flip side of that if you're batting and you know that they're going to try and hit the stumps just play the ball straight. Don't try and play across the line.

Easy. There you go. That is cricket summed up. Hi Kate and Alex. I've really enjoyed the podcast over the summer. The two of you are so likable and relatable. You really helped me engage with the women's game and we were part of the reason I became Manchester Originals fans during the 100.

I'd love to fly over to watch you play when I feel safe to do so once the pandemic settles down. I've also been following the fortunes of Northwest Thunder, which leads to my question. How do the two of you? you are just to move in between being captain and being a team member, being captained by your best mate, and that depending on whether you're playing for the originals or the thunder. Lots of love from Belfast, keep up the good work, Stephen. It's actually step hen. Henn. That's a, yeah, always get why Stevens like that. It's weird, isn't it? It's what

it throws me that you can spell a name differently. So many different variations to one name. Yeah, like there's stephen, the Stephen. Then there's, G-off, Jeff. Anyway, how do you adjust to me being captain and then you captain and me, and I'll answer as well? Do you know what? It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't think we really have to adjust, do we?

The plans are, or I don't feel like I have to adjust, plans are very much the same. When you've played cricket a long time and you're experienced and you know you're one of the most experienced in the team, you're just putting your bowlers on and you feel like you should put the bowlers on. So I just, I always say to you, right, you're going to open the ball in what end do you want.

You'll tell me and then that's it. It's done. Yeah, and you'll generally ask me how I'm feeling as to whether I have one more over or whether I finish my spell there. I feel like as an opening bowler, you kind of navigate your opening spell anyway and then you kind of leave it to the captain

then after that anyway. And then sometimes I'll come up to you and go, right, what do you think about this? And you'll go, yeah, that's fine, do it. Or no, don't do that. Yeah, I think that, like whether, yeah, whether we were both captain or not, we'd probably have those conversations on the pitch anyway, wouldn't we?

Yeah, yeah. I think from my point of view, you captain in the Thunder team or me certainly not captain in the Thunder team is really nice because I can just come back and play cricket and not worry about anything other than my own performances and trying to help the team. Obviously, when you're captain, there's so, so much more that goes into cricket.

Like, there's just so much off-field stuff and politics. Yes, the off-field stuff. Like there's been three occasions this year I've left the cricket ground and forgotten to do the umpires report that we have to do after a game. Yeah. If you have to sit down with a match referee

and answer questions if the umpires were good enough or not. And I think as well you've got like a responsibility as captain to look after your teammates. Yeah. And I think that's something

I'm quite an empathetic person anyway. I'm quite caring and I would do that whether I was captain or not. But when I'm captain I think, right, I must do this. I must text this person. I must, and it almost becomes quite unauthentic, but I'd do it anyway. Yeah, you're like, you, like, the weight of view, the world on your,

you have the weight of your world on your shoulders when you're a captain there, don't you? Yeah, I really take things in, because I also know what it's like to be on a tour and not play a game and how crap it is when you're doing the drinks all the time and you don't get your opportunity. So I see it from 12, 13th, 14th, 14th, 15th point of view as well. And there's always been times where I think, how would I want to be. my captain to be with me in those situations. So I think I overthink things anyway.

But I think that's why it's so nice when I come back to Thunder because I don't have those worries. I can just be a senior player without those responsibilities. And when you're with us, ultimately you haven't been picked for England so you're trying to get back in the England team.

Yeah, there's that as well. I think it's about time we make a sub. Oh, God, Anna's not feeling very well. Oh my God, she's going to, oh, she needs to come off. Okay, let's sub down then. Let's sub in. Pollock. He's on the pitch. Oh, welcome, Pollock. You've got half a job to do.

Paul. Paul Pollard. We got there eventually. So it's not even Pollock. This is like razzle-dazzle again. You pillock. All right, we're going upstairs. Paul Pollard. Couple of LBWs. Should we go on to them?

Yes, I've got, yeah, I've got a couple. Okay, I've got an LBLB. When you drink out of a glass, you leave lip marks on it where you drink from. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I use the same glass all day unless I've had milk or something and then I'm having water and would need to change my glass. So the LBW is that when I drink from the glass for the second time or more, I must place my lips to drink from it in the same spot as I did earlier. I'd love your entertaining take on this because my family think I'm crazy. and that's from Loughlin in Melbourne. I think he is crazy

because you always drink out the same glass. You're not bothered by it. I have a different glass for each beverage that I'm having. And I've noticed I don't have that many glasses to drink from in the flat and there's always three in the sink

where you just put them there and the magic washing up fairy does the washing up and they become clean again. I didn't know that there's a washing up fairy until I'm going to get to your house it's magic isn't it like the glass is just in the sink and then next minute it's on the draining board and then i'll like put i'll put them in the sink and get a new glass out and then the old glass ends up in the cupboard again it's honestly it's magic she works overtime that little fairy in that flat um but no when i drink out of a glass and it leaves a lip mark i can't then you drink from that lip mark i have to swizzle it right so you'd move round it yeah i go round the rim i don't think i even look at that unless i was wearing lipstick and it was obvious where it'd be and then i wouldn't

Because I'd go, yeah, I'd go around it. Yeah, because then you'd have a rim of lipstick. Hmm. Yeah. But I drink, I'm like that. I'll drink out of the same glass. And I understand the milk and water thing because you can't mix that old curdle. So, yeah, I would change my glass.

No, I keep the, what is wrong with me? I keep the same glass. Are you okay? No, I'm not okay. I'll play two games of cricket in four days. I'm tired. Hi, Alex and Kate. Love the podcast.

I've got an LBW for you. If I'm making a brew, I'll put the milk in with the tea bag before I boil the kettle. We've had this a few times, haven't we, the old LBW with the milk and the tea. But I don't drink tea, so I don't really get it, but I know full well that you put the tea bag in with hot water, then the milk. Yeah, milk should go last. There's always the causes a bit of reaction when you keep the tea bag in and then you put the milk in. But to put the milk in with the tea bag first...

Oh yeah, not about that life. It's queuing tea with Cole's milk there. I'm not sure I like it. I think he needs to get in the bin or she needs to get in the bin. Yeah, get in the bin. Get in the bin. Hi guys, massive cricket badger and fan of the pod. I've got an LBW for you on the subject of food.

When I was a kid, me and my brother used to have competitions to make the weirdest sandwiches. I made one with tuna mayo and chocolate spread. What's that? I know what you're thinking, but don't knock it. It should have been disgusting, but I absolutely loved it and used to insist on having it in my lunchbox at school. Plus, I dip my fries in milkshake when I get a meal. from a well-known fast food establishment. P.S., I'm 40-something years old,

and I still have these sarnies every now and again as a treat, and that's L from Bristol. That's made me feel sick. I used to have, I was quite a picky child, picky eater as a child when, like, I didn't eat, I didn't like fish fingers. Have you ever met a kid that doesn't like fish fingers? Well, you are a fussy eater.

All you would eat if I didn't live there is breaded chicken. chicken and veg. I like salmon. I'll eat salmon. Do you know what? No, I'm not a fussy eater. I'm a bad cook. That's what I am. Yeah. And I know what I know and I like what I like and I stick with it. However, I didn't like fish fingers as a kid. And the only thing that I'd eat in my pat lunches was a cucumber sandwich. What? Can you imagine how? Yeah, it was so soggy by lunchtime. I think that's now why I've also got a fear of soggy sandwiches. I can't get a sandwich from, you know, when you asked me my favorite sandwich earlier, like that troubles me a little bit because I don't really have a favorite one. But I feel like we've brushed over the fact that this person is having tuna

mayonnaise and chocolate spread sandwiches at the same time. Yeah, again, this is like, would you ever put chocolate spread on a prawn mayo? Because it's similar. No, that is disgusting. Yeah, get rid of the prawns. And just have a mayo and chocolate sandwich. Yeah. Oh, dirty. You're all horrible, horrible mingers. Psychopaths, that's what they are. We're so proud of them at the same time. Keep them coming. If you've got anything that you think is normal, but other people think is a little bit weird, get in touch with us on. Noblespodcast at bbc.co.com.com. Noblespodcast at bbc.com.com. It's so good. They said it twice.

I feel like that was a really quick episode, so we can try and get a guess, but I ain't promise you anything. well we might have him might we might do so who knows watch this space he's very busy with the old EPL IPL yeah I was trying to say it secretly so the the EPL is the English Premier League so we yep yep we get him Wayne Rooney on Ronaldo also have you seen that Ronaldo has got a celebration that sounds a lot like Sue. Yeah, Sue. And I live for that. Ronaldo chouts out the podcast weekly.

Maybe he's our second ambassador. Sue. He's Sue's ambassador. He's Sue, yeah, okay, he's Sue's ambassador. Hi, it's Alex here. We thought the podcast was going to end, but we've got a little surprise for you. We've got our official IPL correspondent over in Mumbai.

It's Graham Swan. Guess he's back. Back again. Swanny. He's back. Where is great? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've got the absolute joy of seeing you both on screen as well

rather than just listening to it. You look very sun-kissed. It look gorgeous. I am sun-kissed, and I've just been to the gym, and I'm so proud of myself. So there's the PCA, all right? The PCA are awesome. There are Union and your members, I'm sure.

they're doing this bike ride that was supposed to Paris to London and I said I'd do it about two years ago This is great Yeah you were both meant to do it But you both pulled out Because you're big fish now at the BBC

But it doesn't matter That's an aside So I said I'd do it But I needed a bike They gave me a bike I've been training and everything But then this IPL was rescheduled And I've not been able to go to the gym

And I'm not going to have to do anything I've got a bike ride basically when I get home of 70-hour miles and I'm fat as a house at a minute and I've done no training and I'm desperately panicking so I went to the gym this morning and I kept Brian Lara

Brian Lara wanted the bike machine and I said no Brian out you go out you go China and so I just sweated watching Ted Lassow doing about an hour on the bike and I feel awesome because of it and now I see you two my day is amazing

I just got this picture in my head of like Brian Lara being like how long you got left on the bike and you're like 45 minutes you're going to have to leave. No, I'll tell you what he did. You know that thing when someone doesn't want to admit

that they want the bike, but you know. Are they just loiter? Yeah, so I'm on the exercise bike. The greatest player of a generation is over my shoulder and I can see him in the mirror like doing so many car stretches

waiting. But I had my headphones in so I could easily I couldn't hear him if he said anything and like I said I was watching Ted Lassau which is the greatest thing on television we've digressed already this is the most anticipated comeback

since probably since the Friends reunion this year Swanee this has been the psychopath spuds that listen to this podcast have been crying out for you to come back and here you are I love our listeners I'll tell you what it's the biggest comeback since Opal Fruits

and that'll mean nothing to you too I know what an opal fruit. It's round trees. And since... Not round trees, no, Starburst. Oh, is that what that is? Oh, no. So Starburst used to be opal fruits.

And this summer, I went to the co-op with my kids. It was weird. I was in the car, and I've always got a bag of open fruits. Because my granddad, Les, when I was a kid from Warrington, I used to get car sick. And he said one day, what you need, son. Have an orange opal fruit. You'll never be sick in car.

And so... Does it work? It worked. And it worked. I swear to God, I stuck on orange opal fruit. It's all psychosomatic, obviously, and I was never casting again. So I've always got this bag of sweets.

And I was telling my kids about there used to be a yellow opal fruit. And Starbursts don't do a yellow one anymore. Oh. The next day, the very next day, went in my local co-op, and the limited edition rerun of opal fruits was there with yellow sweets. And I thought of my granddad, and it made me cry. So I was standing with a big bag of sweets crying in the co-op. A highlight.

A real highlight. highlight low light sort of thing right so for anybody that's listening that doesn't know why the hell we've got grey and swam on our podcast when we had the first half of the IPL you came on every week to talk about the IPL slash we just talked about your career and you tell funny stories you're our official IPL correspondent the only podcast to have one I think yes the cheapest correspondent you'll ever get as well because I do this for the love and the opal fruit We'll send you some opal fruits. That'd be amazing.

Hey, you're sat there with your England top on, by the way. Are you in training at the minute? No, we've got... You're lounging in your hotel these days. Yeah, this is just how I like to come on my Zoom calls. No, it's wondering we've got a game today. We're playing in about three hours. Oh, and you're...

Oh, my God. I feel terrible now. Why? Because I've made you get out of bed early. No, that's fine. Don't worry about it. Actually, we made you get here earlier because something has happened in the night

and we don't know what's gone on. Yeah. Someone needs to help us out because there's been a five and a half hour difference in times since I've been here. I'm sure it's been five and a half hours. I've been phoning my kids up thinking it's five and a half hours. I've now got a sneaking suspicion. It's only four and a half because I keep getting angry looks for my wife whenever I face time and now it all makes sense. If anyone can help me out of that, I don't, I really, overnight it seems to have changed. But I don't think of that. You thought our clocks, you thought our clocks had gone forward, hadn't you? But they've not. But they've not. That happens at the end of October. Something's not right. But, hey, it's in, what the important thing is, I'm here, the two people are both sat down, you're not all sprawled on the floor with your cricket backs, short of your crigs, like you both were the other day run out, because I'm stalking you on tintanet. Now, Crossy wasn't part of that run out, to be fair.

No. It was just me. Okay. You look good. You look better when you took your wicket and give it the big celebration, the big collar up, Eric Canton, our job, pointing to the crowd. And I enjoyed that. That was good.

Sorry, the crowd was great that day. Because they were all meant to be at the test match. But the test match got cancelled, so they came to our game. How many did you have what shit? About 45. No. 45,000 game is brilliant. Yeah, women's domestic game as well.

It was the world record. Yeah. How's your season going? I know we're not talking about the I gel here. Yeah. I know our cross is getting up because I can sit on the telly, but Al, you're not criminally, you're not in the England women's team in which you need to be. You need to be back in.

Well, I would like, maybe if you're head coach and then I can get back in. I think it's, well, no one else will have me as coach because I was supposed to be, do you remember when we spoke before, I was supposed to be helping the Trent Rockets and doing the spin coach in there for the 100. And I was properly banged up for it as well.

I was looking forward to it. getting back, give me something back, getting into coaching, because let's face it, England spinners need a lot of help. And then Stephen Flemmett didn't come to England because of the time he spends away and everything. So Andy Flower took over, so I texted the powers a bit, and I said, yeah, I'm still bang up for it, say hi to Andy. And he dissed me, it got rid of me.

I was sacked before a day's work. I've never been so embarrassed. I was there. I know. And so before the first day, the 100, my wife said, are we all going to go and watch? And I said, I'm a bit embarrassing to turn up now. So you boycotted it.

I tell you what I thought. I honestly thought, he's left me a message here. I'm terrible at listening to voicemails. So I thought, I bet there's a message from like a month ago saying, give me a ring. And so I trotted all these messages. I had four or five from the tax office and a couple from a parking fine and everything like that.

It's not great ones. And then nothing for Mandy Flowers. So it turned out, yeah, I had to boycott it in the end. Wow. The only person in England to boycott them. If anyone actually wants to improve their spinners,

I am available. Like really available. Really available. So basically, because I didn't end up working on the England in New cricket because they wanted me to come to Mumbai and it would have made too much time away

from the kids during school holidays. So I did nothing. I was umpire for plum tree under 10. Or comer. Oh dear. And I should have been riding me bike and getting fit. I was just getting fat. I went to Devon.

I went to Sulcom. It was amazing. Say hello. You see me there next year. But no one wants me. So my spin has been. And Al, you can vouch for me. I gave you one bit of advice

and you started spinning it square again. Yeah, it's true. that is very true and you told me not to panic at the start of the season when I wasn't turning it and I didn't so... There you go, and you had a great season. Anyway, so you're in Mumbai and the IPL's in Dubai

so how's that working? Well, obviously the IPL's supposed to be in Mumbai and the show I do is called Select Dogout but it's not the actual commentary so the commentators you hear at the ground that you're here in England if you listen that's the world feed commentary team

but this one we do is where they get people to sit down and it's brilliant you know like Sky have soccer Saturday and they all sit there and have the earphones on and they go back to them every now and again Jeff Stelling.

Unbelievable Jeff! Ken and Cammy and all that it's a bit like that so the games are going on but you're watching the screen at home you're watching the game and then there's me Scott Styrus like hosts it Brian Lara

Brett Lee, Dale Stain Shane Walsh and all these names and we basically giving our taking it and talking. It's the best, honestly,

this would work so well in England but England's too conservative for it at the minute but it will get there in 10 years' time when it's too late

we'll get there. It's the best show ever but it's done here in Mumbai so I've had to fly back out do another week on my own in a hotel sitting in a corner

and rocking gently going mad but then the IPRs started and it's all hunky there's been two games so far CSK kicked off the tournament again on Sunday, my beloved CSK, and we won, smashed them.

And RCB played yesterday, played Cold Cutter Night Riders, and they were abysmal. They were, and I've got a bit of a confession to make. So one thing, you know, I'm a Master of Rajasthan-Royal's fan. For no other reason, when I first got here, I needed a team, they played in pink, they looked awesome. And they gave you a shirt. And they gave me shirt on the backer.

But because you two girls are bang into it as well, I thought I'm going to whenever your team's play I'm going to become sort of fans so I did the CSK thing the other day and everyone thought

everyone went for Mumbai because they're like the the Man United of oh no sorry for Man City these days you can tell I grew up in the night of the IPL so everyone just cheers from thinking now we're

but CSK were incredible brilliant and they're one but yesterday I forgot that Al is I honestly thought you were KKR Oh no

But I don't know why Because it's some reason in my head I could see you wearing a purple shirt And so at the start We have to pick our player The match of everything I went I'm going to throw Morgan and KKR Because Al's going to be so happy with me

Oh what It's your fault You must So the game started And I sat down I was just flicking through Twitter and I saw you cheer up and go RCB and all this.

I was like, oh, no. But thankfully, I did make that mistake because RCB were pants. It were, weren't it? It was that bad. I'm going to just tell everyone. When Glen Maxwell got out, I turned it off and went to sleep and left in a nap. Because I was like, this is crap. To be honest, when he got out, did you throw anything at the floor or the wall?

Because that is the worst shot at professional players played in a long time. Yeah, it wasn't great. was it wasn't great I want to know about Glenn Maxwell I want to know it makes you tick because he really kicked off five minutes before like he got hit on the foot or something

or there was Neil Bish out or something like that and he I mean I've got a 10 year old boy and he can kick off they can be stropping kids can be petulant and pathetic but they're 10 year old kids they're also awesome Wilf by the way but Maxwell was there and he was carrying on he threw his bat and gloves like he took

his gloves off and threw them on the floor and if I couldn't hear him but if I could have heard it had gone bad bad to do those. I hate you! I want sweets! He looked genuinely pissed off and then the very, so we were sat there talking about it so what's got into him, what's round his

cage? And then the next ball he plays well it was a golf shot, wouldn't it? Yeah. Hoy plus line. I wonder what goes on inside of his nogging because I'm sure it's not quite right. Maybe he was annoyed because he looked at the score and they were like 40 for seven

at that point I know how to sort this out I'll hack across the line as you're cleaned up I'll hit one to the moon right you know what I felt sorry for the next the next guy

came in the striking guy on debut then gets a googly first ball and gets stuffed all led up LBW and that's when I started really thinking oh this isn't fair now

it was a strange game wasn't it it was like what is this is this happening like it's the first game back what are you doing Part C.B are a bit like that though, aren't they? They've paid for a lot of players

and if they combust it can look really bad. But when they get it right, they're going to be like 240 for one or something crazy. But you must have played loads of games like this when you're back first and because you're trying to set a total. So even though you're losing wickets, you're still got to take some risks and everything. And everything goes wrong and you get, I mean, there was even a run out backing up sort of thing. Everything goes wrong. And in the dressing room, the captain says, look, if we got bored out for the 90, we can borrow them out for 90, let's believe in ourselves. And deep down, everyone's thinking

there's no hope. We're stuffed there. But then when you go out, you think, yeah, if you do get a couple of early wickets, it's normally quite a close game. But the team back in second have no pressure whatsoever, because they know that they haven't got a post a big toe, or they can just ride out the first three overs and then just

tee off. And so it looks even worse. And then there's misfields and then the captain gets angry and all stuff like that. It's just the perfect storm. It's why cricket is such a bonkers game sometimes, but it's why it's so brilliant. It is wrong. How many games are left, Swanee? I think it's about

25. I was just about to look at that on my phone, but my last search my last search on my phone for Google was just before we went on air saying, have the clocks gone back in England? And it didn't tell me the answer I wanted. So how many games are? I reckon it's about 30 games. Because

we're about halfway through. So you're over there for a while? Yeah, the final is now. on the 5th of October, which works well because then the World 2020 is afterwards. Now, my favourite game from the whole English summer, because I was watching cricket before I got, before I got diss so violently when Andy Flower and the Trent Rockets. I said, I bear no grudges, by the way, Andy, if you're listening. I bear no grudges.

I don't think Andy listens to this one. He will do. Someone will let him know. Andy, I still know more about spin than anyone. else. Alex Hartley is my CV on that. But I don't know, but I'm going to put it out there. If Trent

Rockets don't want me, I live 400 yards from the ground. It'd be really handy if you did. But if you don't, I'm willing to travel. Who's in charge of the Langshelot? Kattich. Keto? Keto. We're tight with

Keto. Yeah? Yeah. Get yourself in at the original. then. Your housemates now, aren't you? Yeah, we are. How's that going? You're all right.

We're never there. Oh, really? Because you're both look like you sat in hotel rooms at the minute. Because we are. So I'm playing today and I was commenting on our game. We're in Leicester. I see. So I can see one of you's in a really nicely decorated room and the other one must be with the BBC.

are you enjoying the commentary because you're both awesome at it by the way you're both brilliant love it thanks wonnie this is why we love having you on the podcast because you just pump our tyres up well you don't need any pumping

because you're both great but what's it like Al I know we've gone away from the I'd tell it but I don't care there's not a lot happened really I'll have more to report next week what's it like commentating on your mate

because I've got a funny story about one of my mates in a minute do you know what I don't mind it because everyone knows that me and crossy come as a pair so i just think i just i just out there wanted to do well i'm like corn crossy like really want you to get wicked blah blah blah blah but the other day when she's really sweet when she got out i said that she should have batted 11 not 10 and then felt really bad you how did it go with you crossy how

did you get angry with it well i don't i don't hear it obviously until she tells me about it on the podcast the next week so i don't know how you know because you look angry you're left eyes started twitching a bit when she said that. Honestly, I got 20, I got up to nine the other day, but I didn't nine. How'd you get on? Five. You did well, did I?

Listen to, you're brilliant. The best thing about Crossy playing and me commentating is like, she'll always like look for us and then give us a wave. Oh, that is so sweet. You two, like, disgustingly sweet. No wonder everyone loves you. Right, because I'm just,

just going to say how the dangers of having mates who are still playing when you're commentating. I've got two quick stories. What about Jimmy and what about cookie? So Jimmy, who I still loved to bits, I actually saw him. Not long. Cross, we did a thing for cinch, didn't we? And Jimmy was there. So that was a nice little catcher. It was lovely, wasn't it? I thought weird. My phone just beat and I thought, imagine if that's Jimmy, but it's not. That would be weird. Jimmy, a friend of the podcast now. He came on last week. Yeah, I know. How was he?

You're all right? Yay. Anyway, so there's Jimmy. So Jimmy was back. Do you girls remember that Jimmy once got 80 in a test match at Treadbridge against India? Yeah. I like this career. And it was the last day, and this game was drifting.

It was definitely going to be a draw. But Jimmy had 80 runs. And he was batting like Sunni or Gavask it. It was ridiculous. my test's highest score is 85 you know I was commentating on this day desperately hoping he got out

before he got past because it's I mean we always had a competition who could get the most five wicket haws everything that we were neck and neck at the time everything but I'd retired so I'd taken that for granted it'll always get more wickets for me

he's a better bottle than I'll ever be he's Jimmy Anderson but batting come on come on And I sat there desperately, like, and I was on the BBC going, oh, Jimmy's batting so well, this is brilliant to watch. And when he nicked off, or he's either LB or nicked off, I appealed. You know, with the crowd, I'm embarrassed to say, and I punched the air when he was given out,

he got 80, so well didn't Jimmy, but I punched the air, knowing that it never get there again. and I feel bad to this day for it but I came clean and I've told him this the other one was cookie I went on air and one thing you've always learned is you don't pander to your mates you know you've got to be honest

and we're always honest with each other but it rained once at Bristol and me and Michael Vaughn were being interviewed and I said about the one day team I went let's face it Cookie shouldn't be playing belly shouldn't be playing we should get the youngsters like Alex Hales and Jason

and Roy, these boys playing, who were one-day players, that's the only way we'll ever win a World Cup. I was absolutely spot on, by the way. But Cookie didn't speak to him for six months. Oh, no. He had the proper pin. It was just before the 2015 World Cup. And I said, look, if Cookie goes over there

with the way we're going to play our cricket compared to everyone else, we're going to get hammered, we're going to get embarrassed in the World Cup, and you'll get the boot. And that's exactly what happened. And it was like it was my fault. Oh, no. Honestly, I felt dreadful.

And to be honest, I've got checked back through my phone. I'm not sure we've spoken since. No, we have. We have. We're solid. Swanee, we're going to have to love you and leave you because Crossy's got to get breakfast before her international game today. Yeah, sorry to just, sorry for just jabbering on. I've missed you too so much.

I've got so much to tell you. Swani, you're our official IPL correspondent, but we don't want to talk about the IPL with you. That's the beauty of you and the talk. Can I come back on next week? Of course you can. Yeah? Yes.

Friend of the podcast, anytime. Oh, see you later. See you. And cross strikes in the first over. It's what England we're looking for. Partly falls. Down the track comes scoring. This time she connects.

It's either six or out. It's six. Hey guys, I'm Charlie XEX. Now, we all have our ultimate playlist, right? The songs we love, the ones that bring back memories, represent the good times, and of course get us through the not-so-good times. Join me for Charlie X-EX's best song ever.

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