The Blindboy Podcast - 13 steps I use to manage anxiety

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

I've been struggling with worry and anxiety recently. I outline a simple 13 step approach that I use to cope, and manage my anxiety. Also, I talk about UFO's and the sitcom Cheers Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1-2, 1-2, Postman, Postman, Mickey Microphone, it's Bad Boy, Mickey Microphone, I'm the Rollerblade Princess, I'm Concrete Dogshit on a wet Wednesday, I'm Bin Laden's Laptop, I'm a Frenchman's Sweat Patch, welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast, just testing out my microphone there, testing out some of the sounds, S's, P's, T's that sort of stuff because I have a new computer I've had this now for about a month and I also have a brand new microphone I used to use what's known as a condenser microphone

and now I've moved to a cardioid microphone I'm not going to explain the difference between the two but it's like it's like going from Coco Pops to Muesli Coco Pops you can't have a problem with Coco Pops they're amazing they taste like chocolate

they make the milk taste like chocolate they make noise inside in your head but then you move on to Muesli and you start off with Muesli and you're like what the fuck is this the fuck is this am I a barn animal oh raisins yum is that bird seed but then you get to you start eating the muesli and you realize

oh it's quite complex and it keeps me fuller for longer this is a much more sensible and better breakfast so this this cardioid microphone is muesli takes time to get used to but ultimately is better and the condenser mic, that's fucking Coco Pops, I'm a big boy now, I don't need any Coco Pops, I want fucking muesli, the last few podcasts were quite low in volume and the reason is

I wasn't pushing this new mic as much as I should have because condenser mics the old mic are more sensitive this is less sensitive you can push it more so hopefully this week will be a louder podcast for your ears

if you're a brand new listener you are very welcome to this podcast if you are a brand new listener I always recommend go back and listen to some earlier episodes you can even start from the start I don't keep these podcasts

in a sequential fashion so you can pick any podcast you want and just listen but I always say go listen to some previous podcasts regular listeners you know the crack so this week's podcast is going to be mental health focused

this is going to be a very practical mental health technique self-help podcast. That's what this is going to be. I'm going to speak about techniques that I've had to use over the past few months to really quickly respond to mental health issues I've been having. It's going to be very therapeutic for me to speak about it and I reckon it will be helpful to you as well. Before I get into that, first thing I wanted to talk about was

Cheers, the TV show Cheers, right? Because I noticed, why was I thinking about Cheers? I'll tell you why, I did something utterly ridiculous about a month ago. So sometimes on this podcast, during the Ocarina Pause, I read out advertisements for a streaming service. And I like doing it. I like doing that because I'm recommending TV shows. That's something I'd be doing anyway, even if it wasn't an advert. But how it works is the streaming service will send me a list of TV shows

or films that they are showing on the service. I look through the list and I pick out what I would like to recommend to ye. So about a month ago they gave me this list. Here's what we have this month. And then I pick out Cheers

the sitcom from the 1980s with Ted Danson in it Cheers which I do enjoy I love Cheers it has a lovely warm feeling to it so I sent them back a big advert for Cheers talking all about why I think it's good and all of this

and then they get back to me and they go why the fuck did you do an advert for Cheers we gave you a full list of TV shows and stuff and why Cheers Cheers wasn't even on the list why are you talking about Cheers and then I realise

yeah they didn't have Cheers on the streaming service the person who'd sent me the email of the list of TV shows. Had signed off the email. With the word cheers. Which I then saw as the TV program cheers. And then created an unnecessary imaginary advert. For cheers.

So then I went back and redid it. And picked out something else. But I had cheers on the brand then. And I was really disappointed. That they didn't have cheers on the brand then and I was really disappointed that they didn't have Cheers on the streaming service. I was like fuck I thought you were going to have Cheers I really wanted to watch that again. So I ended up illegally downloading Cheers

and re-watching some of it for that that lovely nostalgic feeling that it has. So Cheers it's an American sitcom and it's set in a bar and that's it and it never leaves the bar and it's just about these characters

who drink and work in a bar okay if you're not familiar with Cheers the bits in The Simpsons where they're at Moe's Tavern that's a play upon Cheers Ted Danson is in cheers

it was his first big role he's the bartender Woody Harrelson is in it as a 24 year old as an aside here's an interesting Woody Harrelson fact Woody Harrelson's father

was like a high profile hitman he was in the highest security prison in America and he was a suspect for murdering President Kennedy but I'm watching Cheers mainly for nostalgia

I was too young to appreciate Cheers I would have been like a baby when Cheers was on TV and a young child but I just always associate it with my entire family would sit down and watch this thing on TV and a young child but I just always associate it with my entire family would sit down and watch this thing on TV and the fireplace might be on and I'd be as a little toddler sitting down playing with my Lego or whatever and my whole family were watching this thing and laughing and that felt good so when I watch Cheers it gives me a little bit of that feeling.

That's safe. Nostalgia is about safety. You know, you're always, when you feel nostalgia, you're nostalgic for something that reminds you of the safety of childhood. Like I'm not nostalgic for shit from my 20s. If I see shit from my 20s, it feels terrifying. Just reminds me that I'm getting old but when I see shit from my childhood

brings me back to that safe lovely childhood feeling. But in Cheers there's these two characters called Cliff and Norm and they sit at the bar and they're customers and they drink and they're always there and they sit at the same stool and they're not

important characters, they're quite one dimensional, you know, they're always there and they sit at the same stool and they're not important characters they're quite one dimensional you know they're just there as an aside and they're to be laughed at the joke is always at them at their expense they're pathetic Norm and Cliff

their characters are pathetic washed up old men and the purpose it serves is like, they're tragic. They're the tragedy in the comedy. You never want to turn into these men. And I remember being a little kid. And seeing like my siblings, my fucking, seeing my dad laughing at him. Because my dad would have known lads like that in the bar.

And it's like, you don't want to end up as these men. They're in unhappy marriages. They don't like their jobs. They're drinking too much. Everything is terrible. They're tragic figures who you never want to turn into. These old men. And I'd kind of grown up with that.

And then as I'm re-watching Cheers kind of looking at them going wonder what fucking age they are and then I look it up and they're they're 35 and 33 respectively and that was terrifying that was a terrifying thing to learn they're 35 and 33 respectively

and are comfortably portraying the role of washed up old man where everything, they're fucked it's gone too far, they're too old and in the 1980s that was 35

that was the age and then there's another character in Cheers called Frasier Frasier Crane who went on to the spin-off Frasier the fucking tv series that you might know that came from Cheers that character Frasier he was a real posh American successful psychiatrist and he was fucking 27 and it it really, really struck me. It struck me, once again, it had me thinking about society's attitude towards age

and how that's changed massively in my fucking lifetime. You know? In the 1980s and early 90s, it was perfectly acceptable to portray two men who are 35 and 33 as being past it. They're married, they have a career, they have a house and they fucked it all up. And there's no second chances because they're too old.

And this was normal. But today, 35 and 33 year old, someone who's 35 and 33, the media are referring to that age group as young people. Back then it was middle age. But if you look at the media reports in Ireland recently when they speak about home ownership and they're talking about young people,

they're talking about people who are 33 and 35 and comfortably referring to these people as young and it highlights how age really is a construct as such or our perception of what age means is a bit of a construct in the same way that in the 1950s teenagers just became this thing there was no such thing as teenagers before the 1950s you were a child and then at about 13 you went to work and you became an adult and that was it and then because of capitalism in the 50s all of a sudden you had this new group of people between the ages of 13 and 18, and they had this new phase called teenage, and then you became an adult. And society opened up this space.

You know, this was the emergence of... Like, the teenager was birthed, I'd say, around when Elvis came out. When popular music became an unmarketable thing in the late 50s and 60s, this was for teenagers. This was this new phase where human beings between the ages of 13 and 18

get to explore who they are a little bit and society chills the fuck out and says, alright, you get to be moody, you get to be, you get to explore emotions, you get to have moody, you get to explore emotions,

you get to have more space now to find out who you are before we call you an adult. But in the 1920s, it's like, 13, you're an adult now, go do whatever job your parents were doing and get into the workforce. But now, because of the economy, people in their 20s, they're not getting established careers. They might be working as freelancers or interns. Like no one's really secure in a career in their 20s or early 30s. Anyone who is, they're the exception.

House prices and the rental market means that no one's getting a fucking house. And then the financial stress of not having a career in your 20s or early 30s and not able to own a house means that a lot of people aren't getting married or starting families. Because some people are living with their parents. because some people are living with their parents so society has had to collectively agree now that people who are 35 are young people

and it's just a bit mad and I've spoken about this before on a podcast I've gone into this in great depth in a podcast called Rectum Pen Pals which I recommend you listen to if you haven't heard it where I speak about all of this

the change in shape of what adulthood is and I take it back to the Tom Hanks film Big from the 1980s because the thing is with the Tom Hanks film Big what's big about? Here's a child and he becomes 30 but he's a 30 year old who acts like a child. He plays with bouncy castles and beanbags. Isn't that hilarious and absurd? And now that's not absurd at all because it's perfectly acceptable and perfectly normal for someone in their 30s

to play video games and to jump around the place on a bean bag or have a bouncy castle. These are all perfectly normal things now. And to dress like a child. To dress like a seven year old. And I think that's a good thing because adulthood, like that 1980s concept of adulthood that's just a type of performed solemnity. So I think it's a good thing

that people in their thirties now are allowed to engage in play. That's really healthy healthy but not at the expense of economic security that's unhealthy i don't like that we're in delayed childhood we're in delayed teenage years essentially if you're in your 30s so then i posted on social media a photograph of norman cliff from cheers and I said Norm and Cliff two washed up old men who were actually 35 and 33 and people lost their shit

people couldn't handle it, they were not ready for that it was too, that was too raw but I say fuck it let's roll with it, because people were self-flagellating, they were looking at Norm and Cliff and going oh my god, these are washed up middle aged men

and they're the same age as me and it's like no, fuck that if you don't have the trappings, if you don't have access to what middle age means and middle age means foundation and security, that's what that means

married, mortgage, kids that are in their teens. If society and the economy is denying people in their 30s access to that, then you don't have to call yourself middle-aged. Then you don't have to put that extra level of unfair pressure on yourself. I'm in my mid-30irties. I don't like that I'm technically considered a middle-aged man. Maybe if it was the nineties and my environment reflected back to me that me and all my peers were middle-aged, maybe I'd be grand with it then.

Like I'd probably have, I'd probably have, if it was the nineties, I'd probably have kids who were doing their junior cert now instead of not having any kids because the fucking recession took 10 years off me. But now I say, fuck it. If the economy says,

no, you are definitely not middle-aged, you're actually where people in their 20s were, 20 years ago, then say, fuck it. Be comfortable embracing being a young person let's not let's not evaluate ourselves against standards

that were relevant when we were children let's not evaluate ourselves against that because the recession took 10 years off everyone and the recession also created the current

gap of inequality that we're seeing right now there's a lot of chat in the Irish media the past month about vulture funds and a vulture fund is a giant pile of faceless cash it's a giant lump of money owned by a fund and these vulture funds are buying massive swathes of

property, they're buying like 26 houses and these houses are supposed to go onto the market for people to buy as homes but instead a giant pile of cash no one knows who owns it is buying 26 houses to rent them out at extortionate

prices for people and if you look at how that happens like Jacob Rees-Mogg to rent them out at extortionate prices for people. And if you look at how that happens, like Jacob Rees-Mogg, that really, really posh English politician, really, really posh fella, his father wrote a book in the 80s called Blood in the Streets, which, it's a book about how the ultra-rich can benefit from recessions.

Recessions are brilliant if you're really, really wealthy. They're shit if you're not. When a recession happens and you're poor or in the middle, you lose your job, you lose your house. If you're really, really wealthy, then you have the money to buy the house that someone lost at a lower price. And that's what's happening now in Ireland with these vulture funds. So when the recession hit in 2008, loads of people lost property,

couldn't pay their mortgages. So you have all these mortgages that aren't getting paid, which means the banks aren't getting the money back from the loans that they gave out that they shouldn't have given out in the first place. So what did the government do around 2011, 2012? The government bought all these mortgages, under a thing called NAMA.

So then the government was left with all this property that it owned, and now who's buying it? From the government, at a reduced rate. Vulture funds. So what you have there, over the course of about 15 years is a gigantic transfer of wealth which creates inequality and then you have people in their 20s and 30s working not to attain the trappings of middle age but working to pay extortion rents that exist because the vulture funds own all the property.

So fuck them. With their middle age shit. I'm getting a tattoo. And playing video games. Um. Another thing. A lot of people are asking me. I got asked this a lot this week.

So I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna address it. A lot of people are asking me to talk about. UFOs. Right. So. If you've been looking at the news cycle for the past year you'll notice that the US government

very very strange very odd the US government has started acknowledging that they have footage of UFOs and they have released the US government have released like US military footage of UFOs,

aircraft, videos of aircraft that are flying in ways that don't look like any plane that we know on this earth. And also, the US government said, we have footage of planes that appear to be not of this earth. And this is a thing that's happening right now in the media. The US government are saying there are UFOs and we have videos of it. So people are asking me, do I have a hot take around this? I do have a hot take around this. So traditionally, UFO sightings have existed since the Cold War, right? People were saying, I see airplanes and I see craft in the sky that I don't know what they are.

And I think it's aliens. I'm not sure. And the US government is covering all this up. And this is a narrative that's existed since the 1950s in America. Why was the US government covering it up? in America. Why was the US government covering it up? Because most likely the UFOs that people saw were secret US military airplanes and they're trying to hide the technology from the Russians. So there was a reason for them to cover it up. And there was also an incentivization for US intelligence like the CIA to promote the idea that they're alien spacecraft. Because when people are worried about aliens, then they're not, they weren't actually looking at what the aircraft

really is, which was things like stealth bombers or drone technology. So why now is the US government, the fucking US government saying we have footage of UFOs? We don't know what they are. Is it Russia? Is it China? Is it aliens? We don't know, but we're telling you that we have footage of UFOs. Why is the US government doing this? Like it doesn't make sense because the whole thing with the US government is we are the biggest military power in the world and nobody can beat us and we have utter dominance. We dominate everyone in the world militarily. So why would the US government say there's fucking craft out there lads

and they appear to be moving in ways that our craft can't because what the US government would admit there is that we're insecure. We do not have this military security because there's fucking aliens flying around the gaff or whatever. I think the US government is saying that they have footage of UFOs to tackle domestic terrorism. We all saw it

with the storming of the Capitol when the Capitol building was stormed there around Joe Biden's inauguration a few months back. Conspiracy theories in America are no longer a fun thing that people are interested in. Conspiracy theories in America are really longer a fun thing that people are interested in conspiracy theories in America are really really dangerous right now and groups that believe in conspiracy theories like QAnon

are also operating as domestic terrorists there's a real threat in America of a group of people trying to overthrow the government they fucking stormed the capital and this is a real threat to America of a group of people trying to overthrow the government. They fucking stormed the capital and this is a real threat to America right now. But if you take it back to what I was saying there a few minutes ago about vulture funds and the great recession of 2008 and how we have this massive transfer of wealth and how the ultra wealthy have benefited from the recession.

This is a global thing. So we have increased inequality. And in America, working class people, middle class people no longer have any sense of financial security. Unions are gone. Healthcare is gone. Industry is leaving. People aren't owning property. Things are financially tougher on the working class in the middle in America.

And it's very complex. So people are turning to quite simple narratives such as conspiracy theories to try and explain why things seem so unfair. to try and explain why things seem so unfair. So it's very easy to believe that my life is shit because the world is controlled by a global elite who suck blood from babies and worship Satan. Which is genuinely what followers of a conspiracy called QAnon, the type of people who stormed the US Capitol,

they really believe this. They believe that the government, the US government is type of people who stormed the US Capitol, they really believe this, they believe that the government, the US government is controlled by people who eat babies people who believe that the coronavirus pandemic isn't a pandemic but is an engineered virus

to create social compliance a conspiracy theory, so these people do not trust the US government at all, they do not trust the US government at all. They do not trust the US government. So I think by the US government saying we've got footage of UFOs what they're actually doing is

they're trying to gain the trust of people who believe in conspiracy theories. Because if you're a conspiracy theory believer and then the US government is going fucking aliens lads, yeah aliens might be real you see now you can trust your government

because you're thinking holy fuck they just admitted that UFOs are real, wow I thought they'd cover that up fucking hell, I think I better trust the government now so I think that's what that is you know, they're even gonna they're having a hearing in Congress in like two weeks

about UFOs. So when I watch this, I'm going to see it as this is a giant propaganda. This is a PR event and the goal of this is to re-establish trust with the growing threat of people who are domestic terrorists who believe in conspiracy theories, anti-government, batshit conspiracy theories. That's what I think it is. That's my hot take. And also, if you're thinking too, Jesus, is that not a big risk for the US government to make? Is it not really risky for the US government to let its citizens think that there's unidentified craft flying willy-nilly in the airspace?

Is that not really risky? It would be in the 1960s, when everyone is terrified of Russia managing to get planes into US airspace and bombing. People were terrified of the nuclear bomb in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s. Genuinely scared of US airspace being compromised. So in that period, if you said there might be UFOs, that could cause chaos because people need to know

that their airspace is secure. But no one's scared of that anymore. There's no, they don't do nuclear bomb drills in schools anymore. People aren't, like there's some country, and I think it's Sweden, but like I think it's Sweden. In the 1960s, like every new house in Sweden had to have a nuclear bunker built into it by law. That's how real this was. So people needed to really feel that their skies were safe. So you can't introduce UFOs into that.

You can't introduce UFOs into that because then the skies aren't safe. You have uncertainty. But you can do it now because no one's worried about nuclear bombs. Warfare now between huge countries like the US, China and Russia. Warfare now is all, it's all digital. It's cyber attacks. It's spying on people's data. It's harvesting data of citizens. It's unseen. It's designed to create panic. Let's look at the past month. In America, in Texas I believe, an oil pipeline was hacked by a group of Russian hackers and for about a week people in Texas couldn't buy any petrol

because Russian hackers hacked the fucking the computers of an oil pipeline then this week in Ireland our health service, the HSE's main computers were hacked by a group of Russian hackers and

they say it's a Russian hacker criminal group I'd be very surprised I'd be very surprised. I'd be very surprised if that group weren't in some way connected with Russian intelligence. We're known to be fucking, have a huge cyber warfare program. Then you're thinking, what the fuck does Russia want with the HSE?

What does Russia want with Ireland? It's not about Ireland, it's about the EU. Russia doesn't like the fact that the EU exists because it's too big, it's about the EU Russia doesn't like the fact that the EU exists because it's too big it's too unified and this is why Russia had an interest in creating Brexit so Russia wants

loads of little Brexits and launching a huge cyber attack on someone's health service is a great way to create the type of uncertainty that makes people not want to be in the eu because you don't feel protected another thing that happened in the past two months europe is taking 5g towers down all over europe if they're built by a chinese company called huawei so all the hua Huawei 5G towers are being taken down

because Huawei is a Chinese government company and they're just like no we can't allow a Chinese government company to have access to that much digital infrastructure in Europe so that's the foreign threat now that's the foreign threat

not nuclear bombs so within that environment we're allowed to have a couple of UFOs and for it to be not terrifying. I'm turning into fucking Joe Rogan now. So I'm going to move it on. This was supposed to be a proactive mental health podcast. Well that's what it's going to be.

That's what it's going to be. So, the past five months for me have been very, I've been really struggling with my mental health. I'll be honest. My mental health in the past five months has probably been the worst it's been in 10 years. I found myself returning to feelings of anxiety, feelings of anxiety and panic and excessive worry. To the point that it's not appropriate worry, it's dipping into mental health territory.

Spending large parts of my day with my heart thumping, waking up with night terrors, being really jumpy, anxious all day long, my judgment and thinking completely clouded by anxiety, jumping to worst case scenarios and generally being quite unhappy. I've been unhappy for about five months. my happiness has been at about a five a five out of ten with occasional sixes and usually my happiness is about eight that's generally what my happiness level is because I try to live my day with meaning so I haven't had any I haven't had a panic attack I haven't had an anxiety attack because I've been stable I've been keeping them off I've been keeping an actual panic attack at bay but I've been existing in the territory

where panic attacks occur and where depression occurs and I haven't gotten panic attacks because I have a lot of tools I have a lot of really robust tools that I can use so that I don't get to that point because that's what I want to avoid

I don't want to get to that point I don't want to be in a situation where I'm having an anxiety attack I don't think that's going to happen why am I getting mental health issues since January I don't have to dig too deep within myself

it's because of the pandemic It's because of the pandemic. It's because of the pandemic. All right. It's because it's going on a little bit too long for me. I, for the past year, said that every day I'm going to wake up and my only goal is to cope. And that's what I've been doing. But I've just been coping a bit too long. And the stress is a bit too much.

And in particular, what was a real contributing factor for me was when the case levels went up really high around January and they shut everything down. So not being able to go to the gym specifically has created real mental health issues for me. I can do without shops. I can do without pubs. I can do without socialising.

I can do without holidays. All these really enjoyable things. It's disappointing that these things are gone. But I can cope without them. But not being able to exercise effectively. That's really getting at my core needs right there and what happened is I mentioned this before couldn't go to the gym so I started running more because I need to do these things for my mental health that's 50% of my mental health is holistic it's can I exercise can I get the endorphins into my brain from exercising can I have that sense of achievement can I have that sense of strength

the physical sense of being strong and having muscles and when you go to the gym and you're lifting weights and you have muscles you've greater awareness of your body. You just feel fucking good. Your appetite changes. When you lift weights and you've pains in your muscles, your brain is shooting off endorphins all day. So it's a really crucial and essential part of my life. So I was running more and more, which led to an injury in my ankle so now I have an Achilles heel issue that I'm trying to manage but I can't I can't fully rest my heel because I need to run so I'm kind of running on an injury which means I'm not running as good as I used to

I'm running at a really shitty pace and I'm not getting the endorphins that I'd usually get so all of these things together have created an environment that meant that my capacity to cope has been greatly reduced and because my capacity to cope has been reduced I've been experiencing anxiety and depression now I'm not being Mr. Selfish about this. We're all going through a fucking pandemic. So I'm just speaking about my experience and I reckon a load of ye are going, yeah, I'm experiencing that too. I have some weights at home that I lift and I do get a workout from those weights. It's not as good as the gym. It just simply isn't. And it's a bit depressing. I'm also not one of these people who's going to end up doing a fucking Facebook live video

in a car saying that the gyms need to open for mental health reasons. There's a lot of that stuff and it's kind of disingenuous. With the numbers we had in June and February you just can't open the gyms.

People are there with no masks breathing heavily. You just can't have that. So I completely accept that. And I'm okay with not being able to go to the gym if it means someone's grandmother doesn't die. So I'm not going for that angle either. So I've been having, I've been in a state of crisis

the past few months, mental health crisis. That's what I call it. And what I'm going to speak about this week is I have a robust plan in place that I use when I'm in a state of crisis. A really simple, robust mental health plan that's rooted in psychology. I'm going to speak to you about that. Because, yes, it's been deeply unpleasant.

I've been very anxious and I've been very upset. But I'm still coping. I'm still waking up in the morning. I'm been very anxious and I've been very upset but I'm still coping. I'm still waking up in the morning. I'm still preparing meals for myself. I'm still getting work done. I'm not having panic attacks and I'm not experiencing depression to the point that it stops me functioning or looking after myself. That hasn't happened and the reason it hasn't happened is because of my plan that I use, my tools. If you've been listening to the podcast since January, you might be thinking, Jesus, Blind Boy, why didn't you say this earlier?

Why didn't you say this on the podcast in January, February? Well, because I didn't feel responsible. I wouldn't it wouldn't feel very responsible to speak about it while I was in a sense of crisis. That wouldn't be responsible. to speak about it while I was in a sense of crisis. That wouldn't be responsible. I touched upon mental health, but I didn't feel like disclosing how bad I was, if you get me,

because when I'm in that state, I'm not thinking rationally. And the reason I'm telling you now is the past week in particular, I've been happy. The past, I've been up around a six because I have a sense of hope. The weather is better. The gyms are opening on June 7th. Things are looking up.

Vaccinations. The past week, I also haven't been waking up with terror. I was waking up in the morning with my heart thumping and terror and fear. I don't have that now. I have a bit more hope. So because of that, I feel that I can speak about this with a bit of responsibility. In a way that I'm not projecting my shit onto ye. Also what I did, and you'll notice this from, because I've been chatting about it.

Also what I did, and you'll notice this from, because I've been chatting about it, I completely re-evaluated my relationship with alcohol in particular. Since January I've had, I've drank maybe twice, and January is, is that nearly six months away? It's five and a half months ago I've only drank twice because I just knew right ok anxiety is bad bit of depression alcohol needs to get the fuck out of my life

I'll return to that when I when I feel happy but alcohol was making me feel upset and then with the hangover. Getting two day hangovers. That really exacerbates any depression or anxiety. So I said fuck that. Bye bye drink.

We can be friends again. When I'm ready for you. Right now. No fucking way. I also laid off social media. Twitter in particular. was making me absolutely miserable um because it's it's a theater of misery so I made I made really uh definite plans I got Twitter off my phone and now I don't really use Twitter I Someone else monitors it for me and I just post. I have to make sure I

post on Twitter because it's my job. So I post, but I get the fuck off it. I don't check anything on Twitter. And that's been amazing. It's freed up a lot of free time and it's taken a lot of anxiety out of my life. Because Twitter is a video game and like any video game it's similar to addiction or to gambling. It can be addictive. You're getting dopamine hits from likes and retweets and that's unhealthy. Especially when getting likes and retweets on Twitter. The more you behave like a dickhead the more likes you get on Twitter. That's really bad.

The one thing I allowed myself is food. I've allowed myself to healthily self-medicate through food. Making sure that I'm making myself nice dinners. Alright? I'm not making the healthiest choice for dinner

every day. I'm not thinking about portion sizes or calories what I'm thinking about is I've got one thing to look forward to today, I'm going to make myself a lovely fucking dinner that tastes really nice and I'm going to enjoy it

with some nice TV and I'm glad I did that planning and preparing meals that were being made purely because they were going to be tasty. Doing that gave me a sense of meaning and purpose and reward. And it injected quite a good deal of happiness into my days. And I've probably put on about a half a stone, but who gives a fuck?

Give a shit about that. If that becomes a problem, I'll just sort it when I get back to the gym. At a time when I don't need to self-medicate with food because that's what i'm doing when i'm preparing nice meals for myself i'm consciously saying there's an element of self-medication here i'm i'm taking something that's external and i'm i'm using this to quell an internal disquiet and that can be okay if you do it with a sense of responsibility if it was drink

fuck that very very bad but roast potatoes on a Tuesday absolutely fine also what was a massive help was meditating daily I got back to meditating at least once a day, just for 10 minutes, a mindfulness meditation, sometimes twice a day.

Meditating. When you're experiencing anxiety and depression, meditation can be hugely, hugely helpful to some people, not all people. People who are processing trauma or body trauma. Meditation in that respect can be a bit more complicated. But for me, meditation is amazing. It truly, truly is the most wonderful fucking gift. Because what it does is, if I'm waking up in the morning and my heart is thumping, and then my heart thumps and that spins off a cycle of

unnecessary worry and then a feeling of threat and a feeling of terror that lasts for most of the day meditation is the break from that meditation takes your emotions down to the base level and when they're at that base level that's when I start using my tools of thinking to No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe a girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real, it's not real. What's not real? Who said that? The first omen. Only in theaters April 5th. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Corp that day. So we'll have a little ocarina pause now because I want to tell you about these tools and I don't want to be disturbed by an ocarina pause so we'll do it right now. Here's the ocarina. Little Spanish clay whistle.

You would have had an advert there for something. Don't know what it was. It was algorithmically generated and inserted by Acast. Support for this podcast comes from you, the listener, via the Patreon page, patreon.com forward slash theblindboypodcast. This podcast is my full-time job. It's how I earn a living.

I love it. I love making this podcast. I'm very passionate about it. This podcast was a huge help to me. Making this every week. Turning up to work. Making something for ye. Receiving nice messages from ye. Of support.

I don't get to read all the messages that ye send. And I apologise for that. If you have sent a message and I haven't written back. I try and get through whatever I can. But because of the size of my fucking social media. The state of my fucking inbox you know it's not just well meaning people there's a huge amount of fucking spam

that I have to go through to even see the genuine messages having people message me and say that the podcast that I'm making is helping ye through your journey in quarantine that's fucking lovely you know I wake up if I'm waking up helping ye through your journey in quarantine that's fucking lovely

if I'm waking up with a feeling of fucking terror and then I check my fucking Instagram DMs and someone is just saying thanks for this week's podcast I was feeling low and this helped me that's really healing to me, it gives me a sense of purpose

that's really really healing thank you to anyone who's expressed healing to me. It gives me a sense of purpose. That's really, really healing. So thank you to anyone who's expressed that to me. I really do appreciate it, even if I don't get to respond to a lot of them. But I love making the podcast, and it's my full-time job. And it's how I earn a living. And also, this is an independent podcast.

All right? I make this myself. I'm not making it for a radio company for a newspaper none of that shit no advertiser tells me what to do this is an independent fucking podcast and it's paid for and supported by the listener via the Patreon page so if you're

enjoying the podcast and you like it just please consider paying me for the work that I'm doing if you met me in real life would you buy me a pint or a cup of coffee maybe not a pint right now when I'm off the drink

but a cup of coffee would you go here's a cup of coffee blind bite I liked last week's podcast well that's what I'm asking for one cup of coffee once a month

you get four podcasts and if you can't afford it don't worry about it that's fine you can listen for free so if you can't afford it you're paying for your own podcast you're paying for someone else who can't afford it I earn a living it's a wonderful model that's based on kindness and soundness and it means the world to me for For the first time in my career, I have a sense of stability. I can plan things out.

And also as well in the context of mental health, I've got to give you thanks for that. The sense of not having to worry about paying my bills and shit like that because of the Patreon. That's been a massive help to me in how I cope. Because the pandemic got rid of the live the live industry and i used to do a lot of gigs but now i've completely re-evaluated that when i come out of this pandemic i won't be relying upon gigs the way i used to not at all be like fuck it i've got a patreon i don't need the gig as much so thank you very much for that uh also share the podcast and like it and leave a review that stuff's's really important. Tell a friend about it.

Because the podcast space is changing. It's starting to become dominated by very large brands who have advertising budgets. And small independent podcasts, not just mine. Small independent podcasts are getting pushed out of the space a little bit. So if you're passionate about a podcast. Because the person who makes it is passionate about it. Then you can repay that by simply fucking proselytizing the podcast advocating it telling people about it leaving reviews and liking the podcast and subscribing those are genuinely helpful things

that you can do for any independent podcast that you'd like listening to. Genuinely helpful things. So catch me on Twitch. I'm on Twitch once a week. Twitch.tv forward slash the Blind By podcast. And on Twitch I make music once a week, which is wonderful fun. Unbelievable crack. Thursday nights at 8.30.

Yart. So I spoke before the Ocarina Pause about the importance of meditation. Meditation. I haven't been using mindfulness. I've been the opposite of mindful. Mindfulness is a continual thing you do throughout your day where you just try and focus. You mindfully focus on whatever it is you're doing. The opposite of mindfulness is to be in a state of worry.

When you're in a state of worry, your anxiety is high and you're thinking about things that might happen or things that have happened in the past and it can be very stressful and you'll notice loads like an hour can pass like I've got a Fitbit a little watch in my hand

and when I could tell the days when my anxiety was at its worst over the past three months because by about 12 o'clock in the day or 1pm, my Fitbit would go off and would tell me I've just done 10,000 steps.

And I'm like, 10,000 steps? I haven't left the house. So I was doing 10,000 steps by 1pm, just by pacing around my gaff, being so engrossed in fear and worry and sadness that I'm just walking back and forth, walking back and forth, lost in thoughts, lost in worrisome thoughts

and not even aware that I'm walking, not even knowing it until this device on my hand tells me you're after walking 10,000 steps before 1pm in the day from worry pacing. That there is the opposite of mindfulness. If I was mindful I'd be aware that I was walking and I'm not. I'm on a different planet. Planet worry. But I wasn't very mindful because in order to be mindful throughout your day you kind of have to be in a place of mental health already.

You need to be kind of mentally healthy and doing okay. And once you're there, then you can start mindfully eating your food or mindfully washing the dishes or mindfully tidying up. I'm not there. But what I was doing was meditating. 10 minutes.

I use an app called headspace um headspace is a very I'm not sponsored by him or anything headspace is just a brilliant meditation app all right I think there's free versions of it out there just a 10 minute mindfulness meditation and what that entails is sitting down eyes closed, counting, the only thing I'm aware of is my breaths, counting one to four. My breathing slows down to a snail's pace and I also become mentally aware of every part of my body. I ground myself, that's known as. I ground myself, that's known as. My eyes are closed, I'm breathing slowly.

And I'm thinking about the top of my head, my shoulders, my legs. I feel myself stuck to the ground with my feet. And I'm doing a body scan. And usually with the body scan, what this allows me to do is to identify parts of my body where tension or anger or worry exists. So when I'm scanning my body, I usually, it's so silent that I can now recognize just where my heart is, there's a tight tingling. A little uncomfortable tight tingle where my heart is there's a tight tingling a little uncomfortable tight tingle where my heart is and that's anxiety and then I notice

my fists are clenched and that's anger and I notice my jaw is clenched and that's anger and tension and like I mentioned there walking around the house pacing with worry Notice my jaw is clenched and that's anger and tension. And like I mentioned there, walking around the house pacing with worry and not knowing that I'm walking. It's the same with your emotions when you're not mindful of emotions. You're carrying anxiety in the top of your belly or your chest or you're carrying anger in your fists or in your jaw.

And you're not aware of these things at all and the reason I'm not aware of them is the stress hormones in my body are kicking in. I spoke a little bit about this with Sabina Brennan, Dr. Sabina Brennan a couple of podcasts back. When I'm in a state of anxiety the part of my brain that thinks critically, that evaluates things, that thinks about things such as my fists being clenched, that part of my brain isn't being engaged. The only part of my brain that's being engaged is the one that interprets threat and fear and that overestimates threat and fear. So I would meditate for 10 minutes to get back into my body and to get to a base level, to self-regulate, to regulate to a base level of calm. And what meditation does for

my brain is, when I said there that when I'm in anxiety, the part of my brain that's concerned only with running away or fighting or freezing. That bit of my brain gets to relax now. That bit of my brain, there's no more activity there anymore. And now I've opened up the rest of my brain. The part of my brain that can be calm and can think about how I'm feeling. And that can rationally interpret threats. And whether these threats are real or not.

Meditation allows me to go there. So after I meditate and I'm in this state of calm, that's when I look at my checklist. And I had a checklist of 12 points. And these are 12 thinking errors they're known as. And this comes from cognitive psychology so these are errors in how I'm thinking about myself how I'm thinking about my life and how I'm thinking about other people

and if I can take yes to these errors and if I'm thinking in this harmful,helpful way then I'm gonna get panic attacks I'm gonna get panic attacks and depression so I need to spot these errors and stop them in their tracks and you can do this too and I do it with a piece of paper and I'd recommend that it with a piece of paper and I'd recommend that when you are doing an exercise like this use a piece of paper and write shit down because when you write it down it leaves your head when you're in a state of worry it's like you're holding thoughts up like they're weights it's like you're holding thoughts in your head and they're stressing you and putting strain on you and you can't properly see the thoughts

but when you write them down on a piece of paper in front of you then you're taking that weight off the thoughts are now words on a page that you can assess and critique and challenge so the first question I ask myself am I jumping to the worst possible conclusion? Am I jumping to the worst possible conclusion? Whatever it is that's worrying you, that has you feeling anxious, these thoughts or fantasies,

am I jumping to the worst possible conclusion? The answer is fucking yes, 100%. conclusion the answer is fucking yes 100 so for me what would be the so a big trigger for me the specific worries when i'm waking up with my heart thumping for me personally the specific worries that i have they're about my career my career right so the thing is with this pandemic for me in my industry I work in the entertainment industry I've just gone nearly a year and a half without working in television or anything mainstream like that now before this pandemic I had a fucking BBC series, I had a book, all this stuff. So spending a year and a half away from that in my career can be very dodgy because the industry forgets about you very quickly. So because of reasons outside of my control,

I'm someone who hasn't worked in the mainstream space in a year and a half. So I do have reason to be to be concerned that once the pandemic is over do TV companies want to work with me again that's a real that's a genuine thing to be concerned about but when I'm in a state of anxiety am I jumping to the worst possible conclusion absolutely because in my mind I'm saying no TV company is even going to speak to me they're just going to go that fella I haven't seen him make TV since 2019 who the fuck is he he's passed it he's spent he's done we've moved on from that and then I'm fantasizing about not having any work and for everything I've worked towards in my entire career

just to be over and gone and done. And then I'm pacing around my gaff, terrified, utterly fucking terrified. And when you're in that state of anxiety, your brain will not let in any information that contradicts the worry. That's very important. Your brain won't let in the rational thoughts. So what do I do? I've written down on the piece of paper am i jumping to the worst possible conclusion yes i am i write down what those worst possible conclusions are and now because i'm calm i've just meditated and

i have it on a piece of paper i start writing down some rational responses am I never going to get another job again I don't know it's I honestly don't know and I've always existed in an industry that's really uncertain and fickle I don't know tell you what I do know I can try I can definitely fucking try and I've proven to myself that I have the talent to try and then I say to myself what if I'm right? What if I'm right and I come out of this pandemic and I can't get a job in TV or my career is ended by this pandemic? What if that happens?

I'll do something else. I'll find a different job. I'll find something else that I like doing and it'll be absolutely fine. That would be my new thing that I do. And then I come to the realization, ah, here's the problem. You've allowed your job to define your self-worth. Why should I be utterly terrified of not having a career in entertainment? Why should that utterly terrify me when I can definitely go and

get a different job in something else why would I be terrified of that the terror isn't you won't have a job you won't be able to work that's not the terror the terror is I've allowed my sense of self-esteem and worth to depend upon working in the entertainment industry. So it's not about earning a living. It's not about paying the bills. It's about I only have personal worth when I am blind by the person who's on TV and writes books and that's harsh shit. That's not personal worth. My work is nothing but an aspect of my behaviour but it doesn't define my worth as a human being so now I've written this down

I've challenged the thinking error and now how do I feel? I'm feeling a little bit normal again I'm now not worrying about my fucking career because I'm looking at it rationally. I'm going this isn't in my fucking control. Why am I worrying about whether a fucking TV company wants to talk to me in six months time? The fuck am I worrying about? That's not in my control. That's none of my business. None of my business. I need to worry about what's happening right now

and right now I'm actually grand. My heart isn't thumping. I'm feeling a bit happier. And I'm ready to move on to the second thinking error. Am I thinking in extreme, all or nothing terms? Black and white thinking. Yes I am. Absolutely I'm thinking in utter extremes. When I'm in a state of anxiety and worry.

The thought that my career might be under threat creates a feeling of absolute blind terror that the world will crumble and I will be worthless and nothing and I will never experience happiness and everything will be utterly terrible and why am I thinking these things when I'm in a state of anxiety because my brain is in fight or flight mode it doesn't want to think rationally it doesn't want nuance it doesn't want extra information it wants to either fight or run away and in that situation very extreme thinking is useful. But there's no actual threat that requires it. It's just worry. So I just write down,

I've been in situations before where I thought my career was ending. In fucking 2015, I thought that was it. I was done with entertainment. I went back to college and did a fucking master's degree. It was wonderful. A great time. Didn't give a fuck so why am I assuming

that if it was to happen again that it would be this terrible awful thing I've already done it I had a great time then I move on to thinking error number three am I using words like always and never to draw generalized conclusions from a specific event.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. So what that thinking error means there is when we're in a state of worry, the words that we use in our own head when we're fantasizing about the worry, the thing that it is. So for me, like I said, it's my career, for you it could be, I know a lot of people are worried about, people who are single,

are worried that they're not meeting people, they're not dating during this pandemic, they're worried that you'll never meet someone, you'll worry that, once I get out of this pandemic, I'm going to be too old, nobody will like me I'm never going to meet the right person what if the right what if I was supposed to meet the

right person this year and I didn't do it because of this fucking pandemic and now they're with someone else and I will never meet someone who makes me happy the words that we use when we think about whatever it is we're worrying about if those words are very extreme and absolute and black and white then chances are we're gonna we're gonna ramp ourselves up more into anxiety so for me it's like i'm gonna come out of this pandemic and the tv companies will definitely have forgotten about me and they'll never want to work with me and that's it I'll be damaged goods and I'm fucked and I'm done they'll never work with me again so you simply write those things down you replace the nevers and the always with maybes what ifs what's the worst that can happen things like that I'm feeling calm

and now I've looked at three thinking errors and I'm ready to move on to the fucking fourth and the fourth one is am I predicting the future instead of waiting to see what happens of course I am yes definitely that's all That's all I'm doing. I'm here in fucking January, February 2021. And I'm thinking about 2022. My mind and body is in 2022. And I'm experiencing deep, intense anxiety. Deep intense anxiety. Because of imaginary conversations. That I'm having. Happening. With TV executives that I don't know.

Who don't exist. Who I haven't met yet. And I'm in my kitchen. Racking up 10,000 steps on my fucking Fitbit. As if I'm sitting. In a fucking. A TV boardroom in London. With my idea idea being rejected and being kicked out of London, the entirety of the anxiety that I'm experiencing

is not caused by what's happening now, but a fantasy of what hasn't happened yet or what may never happen in fucking six months' time. And this is ruining my life. Right now. Sure that's absolutely ridiculous. I can't live my life like that. Why would I possibly allow myself.

To get deeply upset. Over a fucking fantasy. That hasn't happened yet. Or may not happen. In six months time or a year. What the fuck is that. So I write these things down. I write these things down I write these things down and I've just challenged another thought

number five am I jumping to conclusions about what other people are thinking of me yes I am so just in terms of my specific worry about my career we've already said there that I'm worrying about a fantasy argument with a TV In terms of my specific worry about my career,

we've already said there that I'm worrying about a fantasy argument with a TV commissioner I've never met, who may not exist. Am I jumping to conclusions about what other people think of me? Yes, because I've decided in my mind that this imaginary TV commissioner is saying, blind boy, I haven't seen him on TV since 2019 he's a washed up has been like but I'm treating it as if it's real as if

someone's saying that to me right now but even to take it away from that when you're thinking like this and you're trapped in the cycle of worry what that also does is it greatly reduces your sense of self-esteem and self-worth okay because that's not a pleasant that's you're beating yourself up all

day and i'm beating myself up all day when i'm doing this so my self-worth is down so what do we do when our self-worth is down we try and seek approval from other people we try and seek approval from other people. We try and seek approval for other people. So what I might do is I'm feeling really insecure so I text a friend. I text a friend and I say what's the crack? How are you getting on? How are you getting on?

And they don't text back. They don't text back for maybe a day or two. Now because my self-esteem is low, because I'm doing nothing but whipping myself all day, when they don't text back, what am I saying to myself? Of course they're not texting back, I'm a piece of shit. I'm probably just fucking annoying them by texting.

Why would they text me back they don't give a fuck about me of course they're not texting back fuck it man I'm so embarrassed I'm so embarrassed that I even texted them to ask them how they were and am I taking into account that

there's a pandemic and they might have some shit going on or am I taking into account that I might have texted them they might have some shit going on? Am I taking into account that I might have texted them when they were in the middle of a fucking Zoom call because they're working from home and they saw my text and then forgot about it? Am I taking into

account that they have a newborn fucking child and might be mad busy? No, not at all. I've decided in my mind that this person thinks that I'm a piece of shit. Who's not worth texting back. And I'm running with that as if it's fucking real. And then I'm coming away from it with even lower self-esteem.

So what do I do? I challenge it. I challenge it on paper. And I look at all the different alternatives. And I might even all the different alternatives. And I might even make a choice to say they haven't texted me back in two days.

Depending on my relationship with the person, I could leave it. I could leave it and go, fuck it, they forgot about it. Or I could reach out for a second time and make genuine human contact. And say, what's the crack man I texted you two days ago you didn't text back are you doing okay you feeling all right do you want to

chat and that's not confrontational you're not saying to the person why didn't you text me back you're compassionately saying I noticed you didn't text me back are you okay do you know what I mean and that's that's you build self-esteem through an act of compassion Compassionately saying, I noticed you didn't text me back. Are you okay? Do you know what I mean? And that's, you build self-esteem through an act of compassion like that. That's an act of caring. You didn't text me back. And I'm interpreting that as, are you okay?

Rather than, you think I'm a piece of shit. Empathy and compassion can be fantastic healers in situations like this. And that's another one of the shitty things about the fucking pandemic. You're not meeting a lot of people or speaking to them. Number six, am I focusing only on the negative information and overlooking the positive information? Yes, I am. I have made a decision that my career is over

with no evidence. And what I haven't looked at is that I've learned a shit ton of new skills during this pandemic. I started live streaming. I got better at doing this podcast. I've put myself into a situation where I don't really, I don't require gigs. where I don't really I don't require gigs I've shown myself that I don't require gigs like when this pandemic started lads the fuck do you think

I was saying to myself oh no there's no gigs I'm gonna be fucked I'm gonna be out on the street that's not what happened I coped on a day-to-day basis and I learned a lot of new skills and had a lot of crack. What thing are you doing in your life where you're focusing only on the negative and not looking at the positive? Let's take it back to the person who is single during the pandemic and they're not able to go to bars and meet people or make connections and they're worried about, I'm never going to meet someone. It's going to be too late. I'm too old.

What about the fact that. You've had a year. A year to learn more about yourself. A year to grow as a human being. A year to be. A different person. Maybe the year that you had. To spend a lot of time on your own to explore who you are.

Maybe that means that when you get to go out there into real life dating country again, you're going to be attracted to different people that are better suited to you because you've had that year to mature and grow. You know? And I'm giving that example there because I get a lot of dms and this is this this is a specific worry that a lot of people have I get a lot of dms from people who are single and they're going blind boy I'm fucking terrified I'm looking for a partner

and I can't do it during this during this fucking pandemic can you speak about this number seven am I discounting positive information or twisting a positive into a negative yes I am so in my situation if I'm thinking So in my situation, if I'm thinking, I'm not going to get any work after this pandemic. But what if I do? What if I do get work? It's been so long since I've worked in television that I've probably lost my ability to create. So I won't even let myself in that situation to even entertain a positive.

Even when I try and say to myself, it might be okay, I'm trying to find a way to twist that okay and catastrophize it into why it's definitely going to be fucking terrible. So I definitely don't need that way of thinking in my life. So I write it down, I challenge it and I think of alternatives that are more flexible and rational. Number eight. Am I globally putting myself down as a failure, worthless or useless? Absolutely. I'm

taking the fact that a pandemic has stopped me from being able to do my job and then blaming myself for it and this would be one that you relate to if you if you work in any of the industries that have been really shut down because of coronavirus if you work in restaurants if you work in fucking entertainment if you're a personal trainer in a gym and this career

or this fucking pandemic has essentially made you unemployed for the past year how much of that are you blaming yourself you know like none of us chose this if you haven't worked in a fucking year

and haven't been able to pursue the thing that you like doing and your job that you like doing if you haven't had the opportunity to do that it's okay to be upset about it but just because it's upsetting doesn't mean that it's our fault it's not our fucking fault Jesus Christ.

Number nine. Am I listening too much to my negative gut feelings instead of looking at the objective facts? Now that's a really important one in situations like this. When you find yourself in a loop of worry and anxiety or sadness or depression when you find yourself in these things you intensely fear or intensely feel the feeling of terror like this is one that starts off like i say i i wake up in the morning and the first thing i wake up to is a feeling of fear terror and doom and this is when i open my eyes this is the first thing I wake up to is a feeling of fear, terror and doom. And when I open my eyes, this is the first feeling. And there's no thoughts there, it's the first feeling.

And you all know that, waking up with that sense of doom and terror. And the first thing my brain does is try and justify it. So the emotion there is leading the thought. is try and justify it. So the emotion there is leading the thought. I feel terror, therefore there must be a legitimate reason for it. And that's usually when the cycle starts in a day for me. Just because we're experiencing a feeling of fear,

or a feeling of worry, or a feeling of sadness, doesn't mean that there's an actual reason for it to exist and that emotion will push our brain towards finding the reason to fit in there to validate that negative emotion so I wake up lovely fucking day I have the day ahead of me to do whatever I want within reason I have the day ahead of me to be productive to do something with reason I have the day ahead of me to be productive to do something with meaning I have the day ahead of me to decide how my day is going to be within reason because it's a pandemic but I have a choice but instead I wake up with a feeling of fucking terror and it's like oh no the terror the terror and then my brain goes yeah of course you're fucked you're fucked your career's over you're fucked that's what the terror is about you feel

terror because your career is over and you're fucked and you're you're never gonna work again and and you're you're you're really fucked and then i go oh yeah of course of course yeah and then then i'm pacing around my fucking kitchen and at 1 p.m i get a notice on my fitbit to say that i've done 10 000 fucking steps of worry pacing in my kitchen so that one there is really important and and that's where emotional awareness comes into it. Just because you feel a negative emotion doesn't mean that you have to find a thought that validates it.

That one right there is when you have to start treating your anxiety like a bully. Sometimes it helps to treat anxiety like a bully. Some little pattern in your brain there created an emotion of fear

or an emotion of sadness and then your brain agrees with it. Your thoughts start to agree with that feeling. Like if you're being picked on by someone and they really know how to get to you and they're being really nasty and mean and when they pick on you and say that mean thing to

you the moment you agree with them and say yeah they're fucking right now you're being bullied now that's when it feels terrible but instead when you turn around and go that's not true that horrible thing you said about me that's not fucking true I'm not having that sometimes you speak to your anxiety like that you get that terror you get that sadness and you go no who the fuck are you who the fuck are you to wake me up with a feeling of terror and there's no there's no evidence for it the evidence doesn't exist you just want me want me to feel afraid when I wake up in the morning. About what? Something happening in six months fucking time.

Fuck off. Who the fuck are you? That's speaking to your anxiety like a bully. And that technique works really, really well there. When the emotion comes in and it informs your thought process. That's when the thought process fights back and says, you are not real. You're just a fire alarm making a lot of noise, but you're not a fire. There's no fucking fire.

You're just a fire alarm. Or you're my neighbor. Like, sometimes my neighbor's house alarm wakes me up. Sometimes my neighbor's house alarm goes off and it wakes me up and it's not pleasant but do you honestly think I say to myself oh they're getting robbed next door I'm fucked I don't I go the neighbor's house alarm has gone off for no reason again and I move on with my day well when I wake up with a feeling of terror Well when I wake up with a feeling of terror. Or if you wake up with a feeling of terror.

Or a feeling of sadness. Your sadness alarm has gone off. Or your anxiety alarm has gone off. But there's no fucking reason for it. You don't need to rationalise why it exists. Number 10. Am I taking an event or someone's behavior too personally or blaming myself and overlooking other factors personalizing that's known as and that's a very common error in thinking

that one is much more associated with depression more so than anxiety that can be that was one of my issues with Twitter one of the reasons I had to come off Twitter and I've been using Twitter for years and I've never had it really fuck up my I've never had it infiltrate my emotional boundaries the way that it has the past few months

because I'm run down and my self-esteem is low. So I would go onto Twitter and I might see two strangers fighting, because Twitter is where people have fights and Twitter is where people, Twitter is where people have fights and where people compete to have the best complaint to get points and it's an excessively negative place where you have people fighting with each other or you have people speaking about something terrible

that happened to them or you have someone just talking about how shit everything is and I would sometimes look at Twitter and find a way to blame myself so I'd see two people fighting and find a way to blame myself. So I'd see two people fighting and it's hard to explain.

But I would feel as if I was involved in their argument or somehow caused it. But all I know is I feel like I'm right there in a pub with two people fucking fighting and something I did caused this. And they're two strangers in America and I haven't a fucking clue who they are and this has nothing to do with me but what that is right there is personalizing sometimes we can do it with news events something terrible happens in the news and somehow we feel guilt or shame around a thing that has fucking nothing to do with us. But we still feel it as real. So you've got to write down

the emotions that you feel. And you've got to challenge why am I feeling upset over something that's completely outside of my control that has fucking nothing to do with me? Is this a healthy way to look at this situation? Are there alternative ways that I can still allow myself to be upset by an upsetting thing that I saw

but to be able to separate that upset from a sense of personal shame or personal blame? Number 11. Am I using words like should, must or ought and have to in order to make rigid rules about myself, the world or other people so that there is sometimes we have rules

about how other people should treat us and often those rules aren't very realistic and also the other people should treat us. And often those rules. Aren't very realistic. And also the other people. Don't know your personal rules. About how you're supposed to be treated. So let's give another example. Earlier.

I mentioned. What if you texted your friend. You're feeling insecure. So you text your friend to say. How are you getting on? And they don't text back. Now, I went for, they're not texting me back because I'm not worth texting back. So I internalized that as a kind of a shame, I suppose, or low self-esteem.

But what if you have a rigid demand? What if your friend doesn't text you back? And instead of thinking, they didn't text me back because I'm not worthy of a text back, you say, how fucking dare they not text me back? How dare they fucking ignore me? Who the fuck do they think they are that they can't text me back. How dare they fucking ignore me. Who the fuck do they think they are that they can't text me back? Who the fuck do they think they are? And now you're fuming. Now you're utterly fuming because your friend hasn't texted you back. And it's the same shit because the emotion of anger has now taken over,

you're not entertaining or considering the many rational possibilities as to why they haven't texted you back. They have broken your personal rule. And your personal rule is, when you text someone, they must text you back. You can't have that rule. That's not reality. People are entitled to not text you back people are entitled to be stuck in the middle of a zoom call people are entitled to be busy with their

fucking kids people are entitled to just not feel like texting you back because they have other shit going on that's life and if you have a rigid demand about how people must treat you then you will live a life where you're continually hurt by other people hurt and disappointed by other people and they might not even know they're doing it the rules that we have about how we should be treated are our rules, we don't tell them to other people and if someone isn't aware of your personal rule that you must be texted back immediately, that's a lot of hurt that you've just created for yourself that shouldn't need to exist.

So what do you do? You take the shoulds and the musts and you move to something more flexible and realistic. It's okay to want to be texted back. It's okay to text your buddy. And if they don't text you back after two days, it's okay to be a little bit annoyed about that. Because it's also fair to call it a bit rude. But the person may not be being rude.

They might have shit going on. So you just move the should and the must and the rigid stuff to something more flexible. And instead of saying, They should have texted me back, the fucking rude cunt. Who do they think they are? How dare they treat me like this? Who do they think I am that they can walk all over me like this you don't go that way you go

it would have been nice I would have preferred if they had texted me back I have a preference for that and it does feel a little bit rude maybe I need to chat with them but fuck it there could be other things going on with them too but if they don't want to text me back

I'm just going to get on with my day'm just going to get on with my day. I'm going to get on with my day. Because, look at how much time I've just wasted fantasizing about having an argument with them. Fantasizing about telling them about how they're supposed to text me back. And if you've ever gotten into that situation, which people do,

and you've allowed yourself to completely convince yourself that the person has wronged you and hurt you and then you go and do something about it then you text them back and you go the fuck, what's the fucking story why didn't you text me back, I texted you yesterday and then the person texts back and goes

really really sorry I was feeding my child I'm so sorry about that are you doing okay and then you feel like a dickhead if you're fucking mortified and you look like a dickhead as well and you've just attacked your friend for no reason so that's number 11 am I using should shoulds, musts and ought and have to in order to make rigid rules about myself, the world and other people? If you're thinking that way, that's how a mentally unhealthy person thinks. And then the final one, number 12. Am I telling myself that something is too difficult or unbearable

or that I can't stand it? When actually it's hard to bear but it is bearable and worth tolerating so that's going to speak to all of us with this pandemic I don't struggle with that one thank fuck that's one of the ones on the entire list

I think that I wouldn't immediately take yes on em that I wouldn't immediately take yes on that's when I say every day the only demand I make of myself is to cope the reason I do that I can't allow myself get into a state of thinking whereby I say I can't handle this this is unbearable I can't do say I can't handle this, this is unbearable

I can't do it, I can't stand it the fact that I can't go to the gym or socialise or all the shit that we're struggling with right now it's outside of my control it's completely out, I have no control over a global pandemic

none, I have no control over lockdown so because i identify and recognize that these things are outside of my control i take ownership of the fact that the only thing that is in my control is how i react to it and that's what coping is i don't allow myself to say that something is unbearable. What I say instead is it is bearable. It's not fucking pleasant. It's deeply unpleasant.

I don't like this one bit. But there's nothing I can do about it. So I can either get deeply, deeply upset about something I can't control or I can have a flexible attitude and be chilled out about the thing I can't control but in both of those options I can't change the circumstances I can only change how I react to the circumstances now I'm kind of okay with that shit

when it's in the here and now and that's something I've had to really develop as part of my job. Like writing a book for instance. Like literally starting off with nothing and then having to get 70,000 words of fiction. Every day that requires me to say to myself, this is difficult and I have to cope with it and I have to bear it because if I tell myself it's unbearable I won't write a book so the reason, yeah

that's an integral part of how I do my job so that's why I don't particularly get triggered by that one but what I would get triggered by is so am I telling myself that something is too difficult or unbearable and I can't stand it no but I will underestimate my ability to cope in the future

which is like a similar enough thing to that so if I'm catastrophizing in my head and thinking in six months time things are going to be fucking awful and terrible and I won't be able to work in six months time things will be awful at no point in that prediction am I factoring in my capacity to cope and that's really important whenever you worry about an event in the future that hasn't happened you never factor in like when you're in a state of anxiety

you never factor in when this terrible if this terrible thing happens I'm not just going to lie down and allow the terrible thing to happen when have I ever done that? if a bad thing happens to me in the future I'm going to work with it as it happens

I'm going to cope in the moment but when you're catastrophizing and thinking about how something's going to be terrible you never factor in your capacity to cope you always visualize yourself as a completely helpless victim who is going to be devoured by this future terrible fear

and that's just not reality if I did find myself in a situation in six months where I can't do the things in my career that I could do two years ago I'm going to fight it I'm going to be flexible and I'm gonna fight it. I'm gonna be flexible and I'm gonna, no, I'm gonna try my best. I'm going

to try my best. Like I always do. Just like when this pandemic started. It's like, oh my god. There's no gigs. I can't do gigs. I can't do tours. Oh no. What am I gonna do gigs, I can't do tours, oh no, what am I going to do?

I fucking picked up live streaming, I learned how to do a completely new discipline, and focused on this podcast, so an absolutely terrible thing did happen, my entire industry fell apart, and I coped, I did the best that I could in it. And I'm grand. And that's the same with all of us.

So that there is my. That's my fucking 12 step crisis response. That's my 12 step crisis response. It's a very simple checklist. That I would do every single day. While my mental health has been very bad and that has kept me from having

a bad panic attack or bad depression and instead it's still been shit it's been unpleasant but like I said I'm getting up in the mornings I'm going about my day

I'm making dinners I'm doing the best I can I would not be in that situation, I'm going about my day, I'm making dinners, I'm doing the best I can. I would not be in that situation if I didn't have these techniques. If I didn't have this approach I'd be in a very bad way. I would not be coping. I wouldn't be coping. That's the only thing I can say. So I meditate for 10 minutes. I meditate so that I can get my emotions to a base level. Because I couldn't do that checklist while I was in the throes of anxiety. That would make it a bit more difficult. I meditate to get myself to that calm base level.

Then I take out the sheet of paper and this checklist and I run through them all really quickly. Am I jumping to the worst possible conclusion? Am I thinking in extreme all or nothing terms? Am I using words like always and never to draw generalized conclusions from a specific event? Am I predicting the future instead of waiting to see what happens? Am I jumping to conclusions about what other people are thinking about me? Am I focusing on the negatives and overlooking the positives? Am I discounting positive information or twisting a positive into a negative? Am I globally putting myself down as a failure, worthless or useless?

Am I listening too much to my negative gut feelings instead of looking at the objective facts? Am I taking an event or someone's behaviour too personally or blaming myself and overlooking other factors? Am I using words like should, must and ought in order to make rigid rules about myself, the world or other people? And finally, am I telling myself that something is too difficult or unbearable I can't stand it when actually it's hard to bear but is bearable and worth tolerating

so the 12 of those little checklist that's a fucking strong mental health toolkit that anyone can have access to and should be taught in schools and I hope they are teaching things like that in schools

alright I'll catch you next week I don't know that was fucking an hour and a half man that was an hour and a half I haven't done an hour and a half in a while I hope that was that was very helpful to me and I hope it was helpful to ye.

A lot of that stuff. I'm sure you've heard it in previous podcasts I've done. It's cognitive psychology. Which I've covered a few times. But. I'm continually getting new listeners. And I think with shit like that. It doesn't matter if I'm repeating myself.

When it comes to information like that that's so fucking healing and helpful fuck me you know what I mean alright y'all God bless talk to you next week Thank you. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation

night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Thank you. Thank you.