The Blindboy Podcast - A mental health plan for the New Year

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

How to examine your emotions by first practicing on an orange Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bludgeon the curmudgeon in the bun dungeon, you conti-ultans. Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast, and welcome to 2024. It's five years since the events of Blade Runner, which I find upsetting because Blade Runner's my favourite film. I've been watching it non-stop since I was about 14, and now it's no longer dystopian science fiction. It's an inaccurate film about the past. But I cycled into my office this morning. The weather was horrendous. It was a full-blown storm, very strong winds,

and torrential freezing cold rain that came at an angle. And it was half eight in the morning, and it was dark and purple and bleak and miserable. And I cycled in this for 20 minutes. Now I didn't have to. I could have gotten a taxi. But I didn't do that. I put on completely waterproof lined boots. Double trousers.

The outer layer being 100% waterproof Gore-Tex. Waterproof insulated gloves. And an incredibly warm waterproof jacket. Now this is the type of weather that could ruin your day in under five minutes. Absolutely ruin your day. Soak you to the bone in zero degree temperatures. And I cycled in it and I was bone dry and warm for the entire journey and it felt amazing. It felt astounding. It felt beautiful. It made me happy to be alive and it made me feel as if I had power, agency and a sense of identity and here's why. There's no denying that that weather was horrendous.

That's not pleasant weather. A storm at the start of January is deeply unpleasant. It's scary, it's frightening, it's depressing. But I have a choice to acknowledge that this weather is outside of my control. And once I've acknowledged and accepted that, I can take ownership of the fact that I have a choice around how I react to this storm. I could react negatively and I could say, for fuck's sake, look at that storm and I have to go to work. I'm just going to cycle in it and get wet. That's what's going to happen anyway. And then what I'd do is I'd put on a shitty raincoat. I wouldn't think about my shoes. I'd just cycle in

the storm, get really wet, get cold, arrive into work pissed off and miserable and then ruminate on how unfair my life is and how unfair the world is and how much better it would be if I only lived in Spain or Australia where this doesn't happen. Or I could give up. I'm not going into work, the weather's too bad, I'm going to stay at home and do nothing. And then ruminate on how I'm a failure. Or I could take a taxi and feel sluggish because I didn't get any exercise. Ruminate over how I've taken the easy way out. Ruminate on how I've wasted money on a taxi. But instead what I did, I acknowledged that there was a storm. It's horrendous. It's completely outside of my control. What do I have control over?

How I react to the situation? So I put on my full outdoor gear. I knew I was protected and the storm became a fun challenge. And as I start cycling and I can feel the strength of the wind making me push harder on the bicycle. And I can feel the strength of the wind making me push harder on the bicycle. And I can hear the massive raindrops battering off my jacket and dripping down my hood. And I'm looking at my gloves getting soaking wet but not feeling any of that wet or feeling any of that cold. And then I'm noticing as I cycle I'm actually getting warmer and warmer with all my layers.

And cars are going past me and they're splashing me but I'm still warm and I'm still dry. I become overwhelmed with this this really positive feeling. This feeling of I can decide how my day is going to go if instead of reacting to challenging situations I accept the challenging situations for what they are once they accept that I then have the calmness where I can make rational decisions and what could potentially be horrendous like cycling in a fucking wet storm is horrendous that's not nice I don't give a shit what anyone says. Once you're freezing wet and the wind is blowing on you, that's pretty bad. But I'm proving to myself it doesn't have to be that way. I'm fucking warm and dry. And not only am I warm and dry, I'm noticing how

beautiful it is to be in a storm. You rarely notice how beautiful a storm is because you're reacting to it. You're running for cover. Or you're thinking about how wet you are. Or you're wishing that you were somewhere warm and dry. But when I'm warm and dry in a storm, now the storm becomes my friend. I'm able to smell how fresh the fucking air is. I'm drinking clouds and drinking wind. I can smell the sea and I'm inland.

And then I get into work. I take off all my wet clothes. I'm lovely and dry. And all the little challenges of my day. Deadlines, phone calls, emails, all the things that could potentially be stressful. Now they're not stressful anymore because I just fucking cycled in a storm and got my blood pumping. anymore because I just fucking cycled in a storm and got my blood pumping. So this week's podcast isn't going to be about cycling in storms but I do want to speak about New Year's resolutions. We all make New Year's resolutions even if we don't say them out loud. When a new year comes upon us we're kind of presented with an opportunity, an opportunity to do things differently. I always like to keep my resolutions quite small and realistic.

Things that I can definitely change with a manageable amount of effort and a bit of tenacity. For instance, it's only the 3rd of January, but something that I absolutely changed on the 1st of January. I spend a lot of time sitting at my desk looking at a computer. A lot of time. At least 8 hours a day. And it has been flagged with me by physiotherapists when I'd visit a physiotherapist for a running injury or an injury I might get in the gym. physiotherapist for a running injury or an injury I might get in the gym. Physiotherapist always says to me, I know by the look of your spine that you're not doing yourself any favours whatever way you're sitting at your desk. He showed me a photograph of the healthy way to sit at a desk and look at a computer if it's your job. And basically you're supposed to

sit upright in your chair and your computer monitor is supposed to be at your eyeline so that you're not looking up and you're not looking down for hours a day and if you are looking up or looking down or slouching for hours a day you will eventually injure yourself and I've got quite a lot of unexplained aches and pains in my back in my shoulders and I said to the physiotherapist, but you know, I'm in my thirties, that's to be expected. And he's like, no, it's not. No, it's not. Who said that? There's no reason for an otherwise healthy person to have unexplained aches and pains all the time. That's an indicator of a problem. You're sitting at your desk like a

prick, straining your neck, hunching your shoulders for hours and hours every single day. What do you expect your body to do? Only hurt. And I received this information, I'd say more than a year ago. I just kept putting off doing anything about it. So that was this year's New Year's resolution. I'm going to try my best to sit ergonomically at my desk when I'm working. And I started three days ago. I bought myself a little, an inflatable balance cushion. It looks like the top of a yoga ball, but I inflate it with a bicycle pump and I sit on this. I put it on my chair and it forces me to sit actively, just like I was standing up. So now when I sit at my desk, all the muscles in my abdomen and my back,

they're now doing what they're supposed to be doing. They're holding my body upright. And another thing I noticed when I was sitting correctly with an erect spine, the inside of my tummy just felt a bit calmer. inside of my tummy just felt a bit calmer and I realized oh I'm carrying around kind of a low level indigestion at all times. I sit in a way that like squashes my stomach and after like two hours my stomach just felt nice and calm and normal and it was fantastic to have that awareness and then I meditated because I meditate at my desk maybe once a day twice a day just a little 15 minute meditation with my eyes closed and I meditated while sitting on this inflatable disc and my meditation experience was much more

pleasant in fact it was the best meditation I'd had in fucking years. Because years ago when I was less busy I used to meditate down by a river but I'd sit on the ground. There was no chair supporting my back and I used to think the meditation was more effective because I'm in nature I'm down by a river. Now I notice that's not the case at all. I've been trying to meditate at my desk with shit posture, kind of slunched over a little bit and I'm not able to fully breathe diaphragmatically. So this little cushion on my seat, I'm having cracking meditations now, like experiencing this this deep, deep calm because I'm able to breathe in a much more healthy way, all because of a little seat. And then the other thing I did is when I'm using my laptop, I just stack it on a

couple of books so that my laptop screen is right in front of my eyes, like I'm talking to a person and now I'm not looking down and straining my neck. And I've been doing this three days and what do you think happened? Every single morning when I used to wake up, like every single morning, I used to just wake up in pain. I'd wake up with a pain all down the side of my back. It'd be a strain getting out of bed and then it would go away after about five minutes. And I'd just say to myself, ah, this is just what happens when you're in your thirties. Aches and pains that exist for no reason. How unfair. I wish I was in my 20s again.

This morning was the first day in a couple of years where I woke up and didn't feel that pain. It's gone. It's gone. All because I sat at my desk in a healthy way. A very simple, achievable goal that just required a small bit of tenacity and reminding myself, sit on your cushion and make sure you're looking straight ahead at the monitor, that's it. But also, I didn't just rid myself of an annoying pain, like I wasn't walking around all day long in agony, I just had this deeply unpleasant pain in the side of my back when I would wake up

every single morning as a given. I like waking up in the morning. I like opening my eyes, taking in a breath and feeling a sense of ambition and positivity about the day ahead. The pain in my back was actually robbing me of that. Because for two years, every morning I opened my eyes, I'm not reflecting on, oh wonderful, isn't it great to be alive another day? I wasn't reflecting on that. I was going, oh that fucking pain in my back, ow. And then stretching, and then feeling like I'm 90 trying to get out of bed, and then walking the pain off. And then when I'm trying to think about the day ahead, it's coloured with a tinge of negativity

and unfairness. And then I'm thinking, oh for fuck's sake, I'm going to open my inbox now, because it's the morning. I wonder what hell awaits me in my inbox or what awful emails I have to answer. Because the physical pain has set up a theme of unfairness. It's set up a cranky theme in my morning. Something that's completely outside of my awareness. Like absolutely outside of my awareness. Or I'm accepting feelings as if they are facts. Whereas how I want to wake up in the morning, how I enjoy waking up in the morning is excellent. I'm awake. What am I going to have for breakfast?

I wonder what the weather is like. I bet my cat is starving. I better feed her first. What am I going to learn about today? What am I going to do? Who am I going to meet? Fuck it, I bet you have a load of emails. Bet you have a load of emails now in my inbox

because it's the morning. Let's just eat breakfast, answer the emails, get them done, get them out of the way, and then move on with your day. That type of positive choice about my morning, when I wake up, waking up mindfully, that's now a possibility. Because my first waking thought isn't, ow, that feels sore, for fuck's sake. So that was my only New Year's resolution. Sit ergonomically at your desk. Give it a go.

Give it a go and see what happens. And I'm thrilled with the results. And I even identified a bunch of shit that I didn't know was pissing me off. So that's a good New Year's resolution right there. I wasn't unrealistic. I didn't set myself up for failure. I didn't say to myself, you're going to read two books a week.

You're going to learn to play the trombone in a month. You're going to learn Spanish. I'm not saying those goals aren't achievable. But sometimes, New Year's resolutions, they make us kind of kick ourselves up the arse unrealistically we overestimate what we can achieve we set the bar too high and then feel miserable and feel like failures when we don't achieve the unachievable so keep your new year's resolutions realistic and simple. And I guarantee you a lot of you, especially if you work from home, are not sitting ergonomically at your desks.

So give that a go. I'm going to sit healthily at my desk. I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think, I think your employer is legally obliged under health and safety laws to facilitate a work environment where you're not damaging your body. If you're bending your neck multiple hours a day to look at a laptop screen, it'll probably catch up on you. Another quite achievable, positive and flexible New Year's resolution. Stop looking at your phone in bed. Phone screens are bigger now. They're brighter. Apps like TikTok are just too entertaining. Just way too entertaining. You will fuck up your sleep. If you're lying in bed looking at TikTok or posting in a WhatsApp group, it's going to be difficult to go to sleep and you'll feel like shit the next day. You can

listen to an audiobook or listen to a podcast but you just don't want to be staring at a screen and engaging with it. Do you remember like being at a sleepover when you were younger? You can't get to sleep because everyone's talking. You're trying to sleep but your brain is in social mode while posting in your whatsapp group with all your friends is like talking shit at a sleepover except now you've got work in the morning. You're triggering those social parts of your brain that aren't conducive with sleep. So not looking at your phone in bed before you go to sleep, that's a realistic New Year's resolution with immediate benefits that you'll

notice in a couple of days. And all that's required from you is a bit of tenacity and discipline. Just put your phone somewhere where it's a pain in the arse to get out of bed and get it. You'll fall asleep earlier, you'll have a better quality sleep and when your alarm goes off in the morning you won't be hitting snows

because you have to get out of bed to turn the alarm off. And by that time, you're up and out of bed, you might as well get up. I think a New Year's resolution that everybody should at least try, and it's been one of my New Year's resolutions every fucking year. I'm consistently trying to do this. To stop living in my head. And that's what I want to make this week's podcast about. To stop living in my head. And that's what I want to make this week's podcast about. About living inside my head.

Living inside our heads. And what that means. I'm going to give you a basic example that most people can relate to. Have you ever gotten into your car to drive to the shop or drive to work? And you sit into that car. And you turn on the ignition. And then suddenly you're at your destination. You're at work, or you're at the shop. You don't remember any of the journey. You know that you used your indicator, you overtook someone in traffic, you used a roundabout.

You know that you did all these things, but you can't remember any of the journey at all all you know is that you're here now you're at your destination and you can't remember any of the journey it's as if you were on autopilot well we can live huge amounts of our day like that hours can pass you might have spoke to somebody that day. You might have bought your groceries. You somehow went about your life on complete autopilot. That's called living in your head. And when we live in our head, we're daydreaming. But not nice, pleasant daydreaming. A spiral of negative thoughts, usually worrying about the future or feeling bad about the past and ruminating consistently, non-stop, negative, stressful,

internal chatter and somehow you're on autopilot and going about your day. When my mental health is bad, that's how I live my life. I live my life on autopilot. My day consists of consistent internal conversations with myself with a very negative theme, worrying about the future or feeling bad about the past. And I'd climb into bed at the end of the day and be like, I don't really remember what today was. I don't know what I did. And I'd think of something specific like, was I in Harvey Norman looking at kettles?

No, that was two days ago. I know I was in Harvey Norman and I was picking out kettles. I was picking out a kettle that I wanted. But somehow I don't really remember it or when it happened. And that's living in autopilot. That's living in your head. Not the present moment.

To go about your day with very little awareness of how you're feeling. What's happening around you. What you're seeing. What you're smelling. And to live like that is fucking miserable. It's really, really miserable. And there's very little meaning in it. And there's very little achievement in it. I rarely look back on a day of ruminating with anything other than shame and regret, which then spirals into more ruminating. To live in your head means to not connect in any way with your environment, with your emotions, with yourself, with other people.

Your focus is 100% on negative opinions about yourself, negative opinions about other people and negative opinions about the future. Imagine you had a bully, a very evil and nasty bully who enjoys, really enjoys putting you down and they know every single thing that you don't like about yourself. They know every secret that you have that you're embarrassed about or ashamed about, they know these secrets. This bully knows every single time you did something that was publicly embarrassing. This bully knows every single time you said something mean to somebody or let another person down. This bully knows exactly, exactly how to hurt you and make you feel fucking tiny. Well when you're living in your head you become your own bully. You speak to yourself inside your own head in a way that you would

never speak to another person. Think of the things that you say to yourself when you're ruminating, when you're worrying about the future or being hard on yourself about the past. Imagine you heard someone speaking like that about somebody you loved, about your ma or your da or your son or your daughter or brother or sister or your best friend. Imagine you heard a person speaking to them the way that you speak to yourself when you're ruminating. You'd interject immediately. You'd say, hold on a minute, you can't speak to them like that. This is psychopathic. What are you doing? This is bullying. But when we live in our heads, we do that to ourselves all the time, nonstop chatter.

You're going to fuck up at work and you're going to lose your job. And when you lose your job, you won't be able to get another one because you're a fucking idiot. You're unemployable. You're always fucking up. If you lose this job, forget about it. You're never getting another one again. You're pathetic. No one wants to be around you. If you struggle with shame or you hold very rigid demands about how you should be, how successful you should be, how competent you should be, if you hold these rigid demands about yourself and you fail to live up to these demands then your internal ruminations will take on a theme like that. You'll be bullying yourself all day long and when you say these words you will also feel a

corresponding negative emotion. You'll feel it in the pit of your belly as failure and fear. And then we'll use that feeling, that negative emotion, as evidence that our thoughts are actually true. Rumination causes us to think of feelings as if they are facts. You gave a presentation to your team today at work and when you finished it, you looked at your boss. And they had a kind of expression on their face. As if they were upset or disappointed about something. So you decide that your presentation was terrible. Because you're a fuck up and you're shit at presentations.

Now your boss knows this. And they're now getting ready to fire you. And that thought feels terrifying and you experience it like something is grabbing your gut in a really unpleasant way. And then that feeling is so real that now the thought must be true. And now a spiral starts where all you can think about is the worst possible outcome. All you can think about is you definitely fucked up the presentation. The face that your boss pulled is definite evidence that you fucked up and they acknowledged it. You feel like a fuck up.

Now you're projecting how much of a fuck up into your boss's head. You're reading your boss's mind. You're deciding that your boss has decided that they're going to fire you, you experience shame, you experience anxiety. Now your thoughts spiral in such a way that no alternative information is allowed in. Now it's three o'clock in the day and you can't remember your lunch break. You know that you ate the lovely ham and cheese sandwich that you made for yourself last night, but you can't remember eating it. Now your boss is coming down to your desk and he's talking to you about something to do with your job, but all you feel is terror because he's definitely

going to fire you because of that presentation earlier on. Then your boss walks away and you can't remember any of the fucking conversation he just had. And you know, he just had a conversation with me, and he asked me to do something. And I don't know what the fuck that was. Because all I was thinking about was how he hates me and how he's going to fire me. Now the rational thing to do in that situation is to go back to your boss and say, I'm sorry, I zoned out in that conversation. Can you say to me again what you were asking me to do? But you're not going to do that. Because the emotion of shame and terror is too strong. Now you're afraid of your boss. You're afraid of getting into trouble. You feel as if you are in trouble. You're not an adult anymore. Now you're a child and you've

created a real problem for yourself. You don't know what it is your boss asked you to do. You get home. You don't remember how the fuck you got home even though you knew you drove home, you cook a dinner for yourself, you eat it, you can't remember either cooking it or eating it and you're just consistently ruminating until you fall asleep and then the next day in work your boss comes to you and says did you do that thing I asked you to do yesterday and you didn't, you actually didn't and now he's really genuinely. And a self-fulfilling prophecy has been created. And you can continue that pattern over a couple of months until you actually eventually do get fired. Living in your head will remove your capacity to respond to

things like an adult. It'll have you feeling like a child. A child who's in trouble. A bald child who's in trouble. And the worst part about living in your head is that it robs you of time. I've lost literal years of my life to living in my head, spending entire days consumed with worrying thoughts, being my own bully, not remembering what I ate for dinner or what I saw that day or walking past people that I know, someone waving at me and I don't see them because I'm too consumed with my own negative thoughts. Losing out on potential moments of joy and just being happy to be alive and a consistent goal for me and why I try to maintain decent emotional resilience and mental health is to avoid that. To avoid that.

Because to live like that, it's really and truly divide of meaning. The only meaning I can take from it is, I don't want to do that. That's the only meaning I can take from it. That's so painful and pointless. I want to avoid doing that at all costs and how I avoid it is mindfulness connecting with my environment that's why I opened this podcast speaking about why I cycle to work in the rain because you might have been listening thinking oh this is just blind by being an eccentric cunt making a big deal

or wearing Gore-Tex again. What I'm doing there is it's an exercise. It's a warm-up. It comes down to concrete thinking and abstract thinking. What is concrete? Concrete is something solid you can touch it you can see it mindfulness is concrete thinking it's raining oh there's a storm okay i can see with my eyes it's raining it's very windy i can feel it and i can feel how wet it is it's there in front of me it's right there this is happening this is a problem because i want the cycle to work. I need to get into work and I really want a cycle to work. So this rain here is actually a problem. How can I solve this problem?

Okay, I'm going to put on really, really good rain gear. I've prepared for this. I'm going to put on really, really good rain gear and I'm just going to cycle in it and I'm going to get to work and I'm going to be cycle in it and I'm going to get to work and I'm going to be dry and warm and I'm going to have a lot of fun along the way because I'm going to enjoy the storm from the safety of my warmth and dryness. So that there is concrete problem solving about a concrete undisputable situation that's happening in real life. A fucking storm. Now rumination, living in your head, there's nothing concrete about that. That's abstract thinking. Concrete thinking is,

it's happening. I know it's happening because I can see it, touch it and smell it and hear it. Abstract thinking is what if. You can't touch a worry or an anxiety. You can't touch an idea. You can't see an idea. When you have a worry, you'll make a mountain out of a molehill. You're not going to make a mountain out of a molehill in real life. Why? Because it's a fucking molehill. I'm looking at it. It's tiny. I need to be able to apply concrete thinking to the abstraction of emotions. And here's what I mean. When I did cycle into work and I opened my emails, the first email I got was very, very upsetting.

Failure is an essential part of my job. If you work in entertainment, you will consistently be disappointed, rejected and let down as a given. That's the job. At all times, I might have four or five projects on the go that you'll never hear about. You'll never hear about them because I'll never announce them unless I know they're a sure thing. For the past year, I thought one of my short stories was going to be made into a movie and it had gotten to the point where it was almost a fucking sure thing. I genuinely thought that right now January 24 I'd be announcing to ye one of my short stories is being made into a film but the other day when I cycled in in the rain, I got the email.

We're so sorry, but the funding has disappeared. The funding that was going to make your short story into a movie, that money went somewhere else. And that's entertainment. That's how it works. A bad thing didn't happen to me. That's just how it is. But it doesn't mean it's not disappointing. Now here are the facts. The funding disappeared. That's just how it is. But it doesn't mean it's not disappointing. Now here are the facts. The funding disappeared. That's just what happens. There's a pile of money to make this project. Now it's gone somewhere else. When I read that email, immediately all my shame, all my insecurity, all my inadequacy, it bubbles up into thoughts and I start to become my own bully and I start to say to myself

they're lying the money didn't disappear you're just shit you're shit and they were lying to you your story's not going to get made into a film because the story is shit and you have no talent

and anything you made in the past that was good was a mistake and this rejection this is the sign that it's all a mistake and this rejection this is the sign that it's all gonna fall apart it's all gonna fall apart now and in a year's time you're gonna be out of work you're gonna be out of work you won't be able to pay your bills you'll have nowhere to live you'll be fucked and then with those thoughts comes the waves of emotion like I'm being stabbed in the guts my own internal dialogue is bullying me and I'm believing the bully I'm being stabbed in the guts. My own internal dialogue is bullying me and I'm believing the bully. I'm like you're right, you're right, I'm fucked and I feel it so bad in my tummy,

it's so painful and I feel it in my heart and because now I feel this pain because of the thoughts, it must be real, it must be true And then I stopped it. I acknowledged it. I noticed what I was thinking and noticed what I was feeling. And I started to think of these negative thoughts that I'm saying to myself and these emotions that I'm feeling. I start to think of them like the storm. I say things to myself such as, I'm feeling knives being stabbed into my belly right now. That's a deep

pain that I have that's rooted in childhood trauma. Those knives that are stabbing me, that's not the pain of right now but that's some time when I was three or four in school, I was a little child that didn't have the capacity to think critically about myself when I felt a great rejection or I felt less than or a teacher said something to me that made me feel inadequate and now I'm feeling that pain once again and it's so painful that I'm treating it like it's real but it's not fucking real. I'm an adult. Yeah it's disappointing. I genuinely thought my fucking short story was going to be made into a film. That's real disappointing.

But I didn't have a film yesterday and now I don't have one today. I've lost nothing. And this is what you signed up for. This is the fucking job. This is it. The entertainment industry is mostly rejection. Acknowledge, recognize and feel the disappointment. Because that's real and that's okay.

But like you're useless and you don't have any talent and in a year's time you're going to be completely out of work and won't be able to pay any bills. There's no evidence for that. There's no evidence at all. That's a complete abstract thought. The only thing that's concrete here is the email and the feeling of disappointment. here is the email and the feeling of disappointment and then I felt I felt the feeling of completeness and I got on with my day with a bit of disappointment but ultimately so what there's going to be other opportunities this situation is completely outside of my control and the only thing I do have control over is how I react to it I wouldn't have been able to do any of that if I hadn't started my day by mindfully acknowledging the storm and choosing how to respond to it. Tackling concrete situations,

that's actually quite easy. Tackling abstract situations, abstract thinking, that's real difficult. It's raining, I can see it, it's wet. Well, then put on a jacket. That's a lot easier than you're a horrendous failure and you deserve to suffer. But if you practice with the concrete stuff, then you're ready for the abstract. If I hadn't responded to that storm rationally in a solution-focused way, if instead I'd have said, oh god it's raining, that's so unfair, I'm just going to stay inside and mope. If I'd have done that, then when that email came in, I may not have had the resilience to address my internal shame with any degree of criticality. I would have spent the rest of my day

with any degree of criticality. I would have spent the rest of my day living in my head in a consistent loop and spiral of negative thinking and that might have lasted for days or weeks or months. And why do we ruminate? Well to take my example, one trigger would be an inability to tolerate discomfort. Suffering is a necessary part of being alive. It's inevitable. If you're to exist in this world and experience happiness and love, you're also going to get rejected. You're going to get disappointed. That's a given. That's the tapestry of human existence. So to receive disappointing news, whatever that is. In my case a rejection. To receive disappointing nose. You got to sit with the discomfort.

You have to sit with how uncomfortable and unpleasant. That rejection is. In an emotionally mature way. You have to take ownership of that rejection. You have to touch the rejection. Like you touch the rain. Rejection is abstract. but when you connect with it it becomes concrete you feel it ah for fuck's sake that's disappointing bollocks i would have loved to have made a movie i'd own up one of my fucking short stories that

would have been class and i've been working on it for a year that is fucking disappointing now bollocks you acknowledge it you accept it you take ownership of it you feel it you know that you can tolerate the discomfort of a rejection when you don't feel ashamed telling people you're not embarrassed about it you don't feel the need to hide it. By responding to the rejection with intense shame and fantasizing about how useless I am and how much of a failure I am, I'm actually refusing to tolerate the actual concrete discomfort as an adult. See, I'm retreating into childhood pain there. I'm awful. I'm terrible. I'm bald. I'm in trouble.

That's what a child does when they want to be soothed. You want your mammy or your daddy to come along and hug you and solve all your problems. Even though what you're doing there is you're actually creating more pain for yourself. It's easier to go, I am useless. I am terrible. I want to cry because you don't have to accept adult responsibility for the discomfort. You get to address it like a child. A child who can give their problems to an adult to solve and be soothed. But I'm not a child. I'm a fucking grown man. So when I cry out and call, there's no one coming to hug me. I gotta hug myself. And then another trigger for rumination can be an inability to tolerate uncertainty. And this is a common one. If my thoughts drift into,

you're a failure, everything is going to fall apart. And in a year's time, you won't even have a job and you won't know how to pay your bills. You're going to be fucked, you are. That's extreme worry right there. And there's no evidence for it. That's an inability to tolerate uncertainty. When you worry, and you ruminate, and you worry about the future over and over again, even though it's deeply painful and harmful to ourselves, when we worry and worry and worry and create all these possible terrible scenarios in our heads about what might happen, what we're actually trying to do is create certainty.

You're fantasizing about all the myriad ways that things may go wrong because that's actually easier than taking ownership of uncertainty. I don't know what's going to happen in the fucking future. I haven't a clue. See, that's concrete. That's real. Do you know what's going to happen next year? You don't. I don't know what's going to happen next year. I don't know what's going to happen next week. You can't predict that. Uncertainty is concrete. It's there in front of me. I have no control over what happens in the future, but I have full control over how I react to it when it happens. And when I say that, I'm now making contact with uncertainty, which is, that's emotional maturity right there. That's what an adult does, because an adult doesn't have a parent to step in and fix things.

An adult, if you're an adult, you're your own parent. Children can't really tolerate uncertainty. They shouldn't have to. They're not autonomous own parent. Children can't really tolerate uncertainty. They shouldn't have to. They're not autonomous. A child shouldn't have to tolerate uncertainty because their parent can come in and say, don't worry about it, I've got it. Don't be worrying about bills.

Don't be worrying, I've got this. You just enjoy being a child. But in triggering moments, we can retreat to that childhood way of thinking. Mammy, daddy, I don't know what's going to happen. Please, can you fix it for me? That's no good to you as an adult. It's not going to work.

You'll fall into a cycle of rumination and it'll rob you of the vitality of the present moment and experience in life. So practicing mindfulness for me, acknowledging concrete things that are happening here and now. It's raining, it's wet, better put on a jacket. That's a warm-up from when my emotions decide to create an abstract storm. Mindfulness is practice. It's practice.

It's consistent. You do it on a continual basis and you're exercising the muscle. And what I mean by that, and I'm speaking outside of my remit here, but I'm paraphrasing actual neuroscientists that I've had on this podcast, like Dr. Sabina Brennan. When you practice something like mindfulness regularly, you're exercising the neuroplasticity of the brain. If I actively change my behavior, actively try to tolerate uncertainty, actively try to tolerate uncertainty, actively try to tolerate uncomfortable situations,

frequently and regularly, then it eventually becomes my default response. It becomes the path of least resistance in my brain. But if I allow myself to fall into patterns of rumination and living in my head, then that becomes my default. And then I have poor mental health. And then I lose my capacity for executive functioning. If I'm living in my head, worrying about the future, feeling regretful about the past, and I'm doing this consistently over a number of weeks, I lose the ability to keep track of time. I become forgetful. I become afraid to tackle basic things like emails, my self-esteem becomes low and when opportunities present, such as another opportunity

to turn one of my stories into a movie, when that opportunity presents itself again, which it probably will, I might turn it down because I'm scared of being rejected. And that there, that's actual failure. Doing nothing because you were scared to try. But getting rejected isn't failure at all because you tried. So I'm going to have a little ocarina pause now. And after the ocarina pause, I'm going to talk you through very basic mindfulness exercise that you can practice on a daily basis as a New Year's resolution. Something really simple. So I don't have an ocarina today.

What I do have is a mug and a USB key. I'm going to hit this mug with a USB key, and you're going to hear an advert for something. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com on april 5th you

must be very careful margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start down evil things of evil it's all for you no don't the first don't. The first omen, I believe, girl, is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen, only in theaters April 5th. that. the entertainment industry whether it be music television broadcasting whatever the fuck right radio traditional entertainment spaces it's very unstable consistent rejection is a given that's just how it is 90% of the work is stuff you never see because it doesn't see the light of day and just the example there that I gave of I thought one of my short stories was going to be made into a movie. I literally did spend a year.

Turning the story into a screenplay. Like doing fuck loads of work. And I did genuinely believe. That like that was going to be 2024. I was going to be making a movie that was 2024. It had gotten to the point where the next step was just signing a contract and then in a flash it's gone. That happens all the time. That's just how the industry is. I lived that way for 10 fucking years trying to get TV stuff commissioned, writing it, working

on it for a year and then it never happens. This is why a lot of the people who are successful tend to be independently wealthy or nepo babies. They already have a net that can protect them from that type of rejection. But what I adore about podcasting is I now have a net. I now have a financial net because of my patrons. I'm disappointed that I got that news, but it didn't financially devastate me. I wasn't counting on that to pay my bills for the next year because I make this podcast and this podcast is listener funded and there's no commissioner

to step in and say sorry blind boy no more podcasts. This is completely outside of that system and it's wonderful and it's why I love it and it's why I'm so grateful to be making this podcast each week. So if you consume this podcast, if you enjoy it, if it brings you mirth, merriment, whatever the fuck, if you're regularly listening to this podcast, please consider becoming a patron. Patreon.com forward slash The Blind Boy Podcast. Now Patreon are after doing this new thing where they're offering people the opportunity to become a free member. I don't know why they're doing that. I think Patreon just want your data. But if you are becoming a patron of this podcast, please become a paid patron. I see no benefit from people becoming

free patrons. All I'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month. That's it. But if you can't afford it, you can listen for free. I don't mean become a free patron, but if you can't afford it, you can just listen for free. Don't have to become any type of patron. You listen for free and the person who is paying is paying for you to listen for free. So everybody gets a podcast, the exact same podcast, and I get to earn a living. Patreon.com forward slash The Blind Boy Podcast and thank you so much to my patrons

because I can pay my bills, I can rent out my office, I can exist as an artist with a sense of financial stability because of the Patreon model and I get to deliver, I get to deliver work and writing and podcasts that I really adore

and that I love making and I'm not beholden to advertisers. Advertisers can't come in and tell me to change my content. They can go fuck themselves. Just a couple of gigs to promote. I'm back in Vicar Street in Dublin on the 22nd and 23rd of January. That's a Monday and Tuesday night. I love my Vicar Street gigs on Monday and Tuesday nights.

I keep doing them because they're my favorite gigs it's a beautiful venue and there's something about the monday and tuesday night energy that just always leads to an incredible podcast so if you're in dublin on the 22nd 23rd of january and you want a lovely nice relaxing evening at one of my live podcasts it's like going to the cinema or going to see a play. There's no one getting shit-faced and you're home in bed by 12 o'clock. So come along to those Vicar Street gigs because a lot of people bought tickets as Christmas presents so there's very few left. Then I'm in Oslo over in Norway on the 6th of February. I can't wait to go to fucking Oslo because it's the home of the Vikings lads

and I'm obsessed with the Vikings I want to go to the Viking Museum in Oslo they have a perfectly preserved Viking ship I've been dreaming about it I can't wait to be somewhere that's that cold I can't wait to be somewhere that's that far up north I'm so excited about Oslo if you're about Oslo.

If you're in Oslo and you have any interesting guests there that you'd like to suggest to me, I'd love to do something about the Vikings or Viking folklore. I would adore that. If you have any suggestions for guests of who you'd like me to talk to in Oslo, give me a shout on Instagram, Blind By Boat Club. But yes, live podcast in Oslo in Norway on the 6th of February. And then I'm off to fucking Berlin. Two gigs in Berlin on the 8th and the 9th. There's a couple of tickets left for the 9th.

I'm in Derry on the 20th of February in the Millennium Forum. First live podcast in Derry, I believe. And then my big, giant, massive UK tour. That's in April is it fucking Newcastle, Glasgow, Nottingham Cardiff, Brighton, Cambridge, Bristol and the Hammersmith Apollo in London come along to those gigs

that's going to be in April the weather will be better can't wait so to the topic of mindfulness and New Year's resolutions and how, what I love about mindfulness is that it makes you sound fucking mad. Like you don't, you kind of don't want to get caught doing mindfulness because it's so bizarre. Like I never want to say to someone in real life, I'm standing in this storm wearing Gore-Tex so I can truly experience the smell of this rain.

That's a statement that will get you labelled as an eccentric. But mindfulness is a very powerful tool. It's so simple. It's so easy because it's purely concrete. And children have it nailed. Like children are mindful all the time they're so curious about everything but as adults we kind of we lose mindfulness or we only really exercise mindfulness when we're on holidays like if you fuck off to Greece if you go to Mykonos and you're just there

standing in awe looking at how beautiful all the white buildings are and the gorgeous sea and the sunset. You're practicing mindfulness right there. You're fully in the present moment, looking at everything that's right there in front of you, smelling it and seeing it and absorbing how wonderful it is to be alive. That's mindfulness. That's what mindfulness is. It's one of the reasons that a holiday can feel so relaxing and rejuvenating. You're taking yourself out of your regular environment into a new environment that smells and looks and tastes different and you're practicing mindfulness all the time. But mindfulness practice, you can fucking do it anywhere, whenever you want. You just have

to make the choice to do it. And a brilliant New Year's resolution would be to say to yourself, I'm going to do one thing mindfully every day. And I'd recommend a great place to start. Eat an orange like you've never eaten an orange before. Like you've never seen an orange before. Eat an orange as if this fruit is new to you. Now I'm going to talk you through how to eat an orange mindfully, and I do so with the awareness

that there was actually a Simpsons episode where that character Hans Molman was doing an orange eating class, because the idea of that was so ridiculous and absurd but he had a point so I'm going to talk you through how to eat an orange first thing you do sit down do it by yourself do it in the canteen there can be people around whatever you want make a decision say it to yourself I'm going to eat this orange mindfully which means I'm going to fucking eat this orange and I'm going to do nothing this orange and I'm going to do nothing else and I'm not going to think about anything else. So put the orange on a plate and just look at it. Look at the orange. Try not to think about concepts or abstract ideas of

orangeness that you have. Don't be thinking about orange men doing orange marches. Don't be thinking about when people put on too much fake tan and they look orange. Don't be thinking about Donald Trump. These are abstractions. These are ideas about the orange. I shouldn't say don't think about these things. To be truly mindful what I mean is when you sit down with this orange and look at it and abstract thoughts of orangeness come in and the associations that you might have with oranges such as Donald Trump let Donald Trump come in don't react to him just notice it and let it pass by just let it pass you accept and notice that you're looking at an orange and it's bringing up other

ideas. Accept these things and direct your focus right back onto the skin of that orange. Really look at it. Look at the indentations. Look at the waxiness of it. Notice how big the orange is. Is it a large orange? Is it a small orange? How orange is the orangeness of it? Even though it's called an orange, is it more of a beige? That's an abstract thought. Let it pass by like it's a cloud and focus your attention back onto the piece of fruit.

Now, open the orange. Whatever way you want. Whatever way feels right. You can use your fingers, you can go at it with a knife, but do it 100% mindfully. The only thing you're focused on is removing the flesh from that orange. And notice your anticipation as you do it. Try and make the act of opening that orange, try and make it process based. So instead of it being about the goal of eating, you know, thinking steps ahead, because that's abstract thinking.

Be curious. Approach the removal of the skin with curiosity. Real curiosity. Listen to the fucker. Listen to the sound of the skin as it peels from the flesh. Notice the citrus oils. The teeny tiny little bubbles. That mist of citrus that you normally wouldn't even notice.

Because normally you're just thinking about eating him. Just notice that mist. And recognise the smell as it hits your nostrils feel that little mist that citrus mist as it hits your fingers is it stinging a little bit the powdery white membrane the powdery white membrane

the chalky gossamer that shades the flesh and then pull out a segment do what you want with it. Rip it apart if you like. Look at those little compartments. You know when you rip open a segment of orange. You're really.

You're curious about this orange. You're ripping open this segment of the orange. And looking at all those. Those hundreds of teardrops. Sacks of juice. Like the orange. What I love about oranges is it's all about the layers. It never fucking stops.

It never stops. What the fuck are they? The fuck are they? Those little sacks. Those tiny, tiny little sacks in the orange that contain pure juice. The fuck is that about? And narrate the process to yourself. Narrate every bit of the process

so that the only thing that you're focused on is your curiosity about this piece of fruit. Your curiosity. You're looking at this orange in a way that you've never looked at an orange before. And you're doing it real slowly and everything is deliberate and when other thoughts come in that are more abstract the associations that the orange

might bring in you notice them you notice them you touch, smell, sound, you know, get right involved in the sound of an orange being opened and then finally taste and you put the orange into your mouth, whatever way you want to do it and notice everything, notice everything. About how you chew down on it. How it smells when you eat it. The texture. Notice everything concrete about this orange that is happening in objective reality. And that's how you mindfully eat an orange. That's mindfulness right there.

That's all it is. You're doing a thing. And this thing is the only thing that you're doing that there is mindfulness that's an exercise in mindfulness and you can do that once a day with fucking anything with anything you can do it with a pause box if you want find an old pause box get right up look at the paint. Scrape it away. You see the red underneath? Ah. It's red underneath because

they used to be red when the Brits ruled the country for 800 fucking years. That's an abstract thought. Bat it away. Look at the post box more. Feel the cold of the iron rim around its gaping mouth. Look, you can do mindfulness with fucking anything. You can do it with dog shit

do it do it with dog shit you don't have to touch it sight sound smell concrete present whatever mindful exercise you're doing do it once a day with whatever you want and eventually with enough practice the easy thing the, like that's not difficult being mindful with an orange, it really isn't, just focus your attention back on the orange all the time, do that enough, and then eventually imagine being able to apply that type of mindfulness, that type of attention to one of your own negative emotions. Imagine, if you will, you're in a WhatsApp group with your friends and then you find out that four of your friends have got a separate WhatsApp group and they haven't invited you. And now these feelings come up. Why are they rejecting me?

Why do they have a group? What are they talking about? Are they talking about me? How fucking dare they? How dare they do this to me? I thought these people were my friends. I hate them. I hate them so much. I want to kill them. How dare they reject me?

Of course they reject me. I'm worthless. I deserve to be left out of this WhatsApp group. And you feel that heavy sadness in your heart as it goes down to your belly. Now imagine you could analyse and touch and think about and look at that heavy sadness in your heart down to your belly as if you're eating that orange. You're not reacting to it. You're taking full ownership of that feeling. You're focusing on nothing but that feeling, that deep sadness of your heart pulling down to your belly when you feel that people who you trust and love when you think that they've rejected you.

And when you focus right in on that feeling and you're thinking about it critically, you're like, oh, this reminds me of that time when I was six and I called round to my friend Barry's house and I said to his ma at the door, is Barry there? And his ma said, Barry's not here. And then you said, okay. But when you looked in the living room window, Barry was in there sitting watching TV and you felt so lonely and rejected and you wondered why Barry didn't want to play with you. And now you feel that exact feeling right now as an adult because your friends have a WhatsApp group that you're not in.

And now that you're noticing that feeling, like it's the orange that you're eating, you're thinking about it critically, you've moved the abstract to the concrete, you're able to ask yourself, is this real? Is this feeling real? Or is it just a past heart that's replaying now in the present moment? What can I do about this? Maybe I'll just ask the lads where they've got a WhatsApp group that I'm not in. Maybe I'll just find out the

answer first, rather than jump into conclusions about how they hate me and how they've rejected me. You see, you practice on the orange. Practice on the orange. Do it as an exercise. Do it frequently. Do it regularly. Practice on the dog shit. Practice on the post box. And then eventually, you'll have exercised the muscle enough

that you can turn that attention to one of your own deeply negative emotions and deeply negative thoughts. You can turn that exact curiosity to an abstraction that's happening inside your own internality. You avoid a spiral of rumination and living in your head. And let me tell you something, there is no greater fucking feeling, there's no greater feeling than being able to mindfully examine a toxic internal emotion. What that is right there is vulnerability. Everything about our mind wants us to turn away from these emotions, to not look at them but to react to them to react to these emotions and treat them as if they're the truth but when you can examine shame anxiety low self-esteem like really fucking examine them like they're an orange that you're

about to open that you're peeling back the layers and you're curious about it and you're looking at it and you're not afraid, that there is adult vulnerability. That's adult vulnerability. And if you can do that, that's where self-esteem comes from. That's where meaning comes from.

That's where genuine fucking happiness comes from. All right, that's all I have time for this week. That was a bit of a mad podcast. That was a bit of a mad podcast. That was a bit of a mad podcast. I don't think that's that's not a good episode to listen to out loud in the office. Alright, I

I really hope someone does stuck in traffic stuck over in England stuck in traffic listening to some fucking paddy tell you how to open an orange for 10 minutes straight I'll catch you next week I'll catch you next week with a hot take. Rub a dog, kiss a swan.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com. Thank you. you