The Blindboy Podcast - A Mental health plan for when the weather is cold and the days are short and dark

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

A Mental health plan for when the weather is cold and the days are short and dark Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Eat the luncheon at the Tungsten Junction, you busted ultans. Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. As you can probably tell by the sound, I am back in Limerick. I am back in my studio. I'm in my office. So the sound quality has returned to normal. I just spent the past hour walking around in the rain, testing out a new waterproof jacket, and it was bastard rain.

It wasn't just droplets. It was that fizzy sideways rain that hovers before it hits the ground. The one that gets you really wet. And I'm happy to report that my brand new waterproof jacket is in fact waterproof. Because I'm going to go into this winter very prepared. I wasn't prepared last winter. I suppose because of lockdown or whatever, I had a jacket that was only partially waterproof. But this year, I've got a fully waterproof jacket. I've got a set of Gartex overpants for cycling. And I have shooter mittens, which are a very specific type of gloves that are designed for people who either hold cameras or guns. They're fingerless gloves with an optional mitten compartment.

So I'm taking outdoor clothes very seriously this winter. The reason I'm doing it, I used to do this all the time. But then because of the pandemic, I just, I wasn't going out as much. I do this all the time. But then because of the pandemic, I just, I wasn't going out as much. But I like to be fully waterproof from head to toe. So that I can enjoy the wind and the rain in the here and now. Without experiencing discomfort.

Because rain is beautiful and wind is beautiful. So long as it's not assaulting you. While you can stay toasty and warm during a rainstorm it's a beautiful experience. However there's a bit of a difficulty when it comes to wearing head-to-toe outdoor gear and unexplained teeth that can under my off and find myself in. So without question the best waterproof fabric available to humankind is called GORE-TEX. GORE-TEX is 100% waterproof and it's breathable. It defies logic because cheaper waterproof gear is made out of a type of rubber and when you wear that you get unnecessarily hot and end up getting wet by your own sweat but Gartex keeps the rain off 100% and it's breathable it feels like wearing a t-shirt but the problem with Gartex is that it's

unbelievably expensive like Gartex pants could be three or four hundred quid and a Gartex jacket might be 600 quid but the cheapest way to Gore-Tex is to buy military surplus. You will get military surplus Gore-Tex pants and jacket for 100 quid. And it will keep you 100% dry and breathable. But the problem is, you have to dress in head to toe camouflage. And nobody wants to be that person. Because we all know that person. Every town in Ireland.

Has a man who. Dresses head to toe in army fatigues. And those. Those lads generally. You tend to avoid them. Because they're wearing head to toe army fatigues. Because. They weren't allowed into the army and there was

usually a very good reason for that. They really, really wanted to kill people. Loads. Now I know over in the UK it's different. You just get those lads and throw them into the paratroopers. But our military in Ireland, they don't really do much. Bit of peace keeping. They generally just stand around

the place. Like I know a fella in the Irish military and he got a medal for firing a warning and at a donkey that's a true story so every town in ireland has the man who didn't get into the army but dresses like he's in the army so every town has that fella every town has that fella and this isn't just ireland this is also eng, Scotland, Wales. Every town has the man who's always in military fatigues for no reason. And every town has a man who kind of looks like Johnny Depp, but because he kind of looks like Johnny Depp, he dresses like Johnny Depp. And Johnny Depp has a weird way of dressing. Johnny Depp looks like he just ran into a washing line with loads of rags and towels and socks hanging off him. But yeah, head to toe military fatigues.

I'd love to do it for purely practical reasons, but I don't need that much attention. Which is ironic because head to toe camouflage is supposed to make you disappear. Like I remember growing up and the military fatigue man was inside in town. I was about 18 and I was walking around town on my own and the military fatigue man started following me and he had a cane.

He was holding a cane. He was dressed in head-to-toe military fatigues and he was holding a cane he was dressed in head to toe military fatigues and he was holding a cane and at the top of the cane was a huge block of amber and he looked quite menacing and one day he just started following me around town and I was fucking terrified

and then he caught up with me and I was like fuck it's the man in the military fatigues who has a cane what's he going to do to me is he going to beat me am I going to be beaten to death by the piece of ember on the end of a stick and he didn't beat me

he just he stopped me to say that he could see my aura that when I was walking up the road he could see my aura and it when I was walking up the road, he could see my aura, and it was bright green. And then I believed him, and I had a panic attack.

So that experience permanently marred my perception of anyone who wears head-to-toe military fatigues when they're not actually in the army. So what I did is I mixed and matched. I got the military surplus when they're not actually in the army. So what I did is I mixed and matched. I got the military surplus Gore-Tex camouflage pants for like 50 quid.

They're fantastic. And then I went with a waterproof jacket, which it's not made from Gore-Tex. It's made from a Gore-Tex knockoff. It's almost as good. And this jacket isn't military fatigues. And if I mix the both of them together, it's almost as good and this jacket isn't military fatigues and if I mix the both of them together it's not alarming because then the other problem with

outdoor gear is if you go the whole hog and you decide I'm gonna spend money now I'm gonna go to a decent outdoor shop and I'm gonna buy proper-Tex pants and a proper outdoor Gore-Tex jacket. If you wear too much good outdoor gear and you're not like up a mountain, you're in a McDonald's or a Costa, but if you wear full head to toe good quality outdoor gear in a civilian situation, You look like you've been through a very difficult divorce and I can't fully explain why that is. So I've gone for a hybrid, a happy medium that makes me just look like someone who doesn't want to get wet.

That's all I want to look like. That man doesn't want to get wet. Leave him alone. And there's nothing wrong with being divorced. There's nothing wrong with not being allowed into the army either. I just don't want someone asking me those questions. I don't want someone asking me, did you recently get divorced? Or did you recently not get allowed into the army? But I don't mind someone asking me if I'm feeling toasty and dry in the rain. But I got my Gartex military surplus pants in the military outlet store in Limerick.

Which we always call, we call it Bill Clinton's military outlet store. And the reason we call it that is quite strange. Next door to this military outlet store. It's quite close to the Terry Wogan statue. But next door to the military outlet store. It's quite close to the Terry Wogan statue. But next door to the military outlet store there used to be this pub. And in 1998, for some reason, I don't know why, I don't know why,

in 1998 Bill Clinton visited Limerick. I don't know why he did it. The fuck is he doing in Limerick? But Bill Clinton, when he was President of America, decided to visit Limerick. I don't know why he did it. The fuck is he doing in Limerick? But Bill Clinton, when he was President of America, decided to visit Limerick. And there was this huge parade. I remember it.

And there was fucking US Army everywhere. And there was snipers up on rooftops because Bill Clinton wanted to come to fucking Limerick. Whatever the fuck he was doing. So Bill Clinton was in Limerick, and as he was coming into the city centre, in his fucking motorcade, right, with the Secret Service and everything,

Bill Clinton was bursting for a piss. So he ran into this pub. Now the pub was next door to the US military surplus fucking shop where I bought my Gartex pants last week. The pub was next door to this shop. So maybe that's why Bill Clinton went into this particular pub. Maybe he felt safe because right next door was a US military surplus store. I don't know why. But he went into this pub for an emergency piss. Completely unplanned. Like guards had to come.

Snipers went on rooftops. While Bill Clinton went into this pub. And I don't remember what the pub was called at the time. But I do remember. This was not a fancy pub. This was a pub for all day drinkers. Nobody had fun in this pub. Men just drank there. And it was also the only pub in Limerick City that would serve you a pint if you were wearing

a school jumper. So Bill Clinton ran in for a piss while the Secret Service were there patting down all the old lads. Piss drunk, patting them down. Snipers at the door. Bill Clinton goes in for a piss. Runs back out. And then a week later they named the pub Bill Clinton's. And they changed the toilets inside the pub. It wasn't the men's toilets or the women's toilets anymore. It was Bill's or Manicus.

But it didn't matter because women didn't go into this pub anyway. But then what happened, which was really strange, so the rebranding didn't work. No new people went into this pub just because they changed the name to Bill Clinton's. It was still the same owl lads

who just drink there all day. Except they started to feel quite proud and quite cool now that their drinking hall was now called Bill Clinton's so what did they start doing? they used to call in next door to the US military surplus shop and just start

buying fatigues so for a few years in the late 90s and the early 2000s there was just this strange little pub called Bill Clinton's and the only clientele were 15 year old boys in school jumpers and drunk 80 year old Irish men with pints of harp dressed like they'd just done two tours in Vietnam pissing in a toilet that said Monica Lewinsky on the door. I think 9-11 fucked it all up. I think after 9-11 America stopped being popular. Because you have to remember in Limerick too, we

had a lot of anti-war protests in Limerick. Because our airport, our nearest airport, Shannon Airport, has been used since 9-11 for the US military to move weapons through the airport and to move troops through the airport on the way to Iraq and Afghanistan. And also CIA extra rendition flights. All this weird US military shit happens out in Shannon Airport where it kinda shouldn't because we're a neutral country. Like I've been in Shannon Airport on early flights we'll say over the past 10

years and you see the cleaners there and they're sweeping sand up off the tiles because all the soldiers come back from fucking Iraq dragging sand all over the airport. So Bill Clinton's fucking Bill Clinton's pub with all the soldiers come back from fucking Iraq dragging sand all over the airport so Bill Clinton's fucking Bill Clinton's pub with all the old lads in the military fatigues

and the occasional American flag stopped being popular this sounds like I'm doing a big advert now for the fucking army surplus store in Limerick no fuck it I am fuck it I'm going to give them a free advert

small business they've been there for years. Go to the US bargain store on Cecil Street in Limerick. Get yourself some incredibly cheap Gore-Tex fatigues that may or may not have seen combat depending on the smell of the crotch.

And you can look at the building next door to it and look at where the pub Bill Clinton's once stood. Then go outside. Go down to the river in your military fatigues and watch a seagull do a leathery shit into Terry Wogan's brand's lips. Limerick is fucking weird, man.

That's what I love about Limerick so much. As soon as anyone comes into Limerick, Limerick and its surrounding areas, its hinterland, they do weird shit. Like I mentioned Johnny Depp earlier. Johnny Depp came to Limerick in 1991 and spent £300 on a taxi just to have sex with a woman in Kilkee, which is a seaside village near Limerick, where the world's first submarine was invented. I did a podcast on it. And then years later, Johnny Depp had the audacity in the forward to Gerry Conlon's book,

Gerry Conlon's biography, who was one of the Guildford Four. So the night in 1991, that Johnny Depp came to Limerick and spent £300 on a taxi to get his haul. He was drinking with Gerry Conlon, who'd just spent 15 years in a British prison for being falsely accused of planting an IRA bomb. So Johnny Depp wrote in the foreword of

Gerry Conlon's biography, we had one of the most chaotic nights of our life. Needless to say, we survived Stab City. Johnny Depp, you go. And even stranger then. I was talking there about, you know, Shannon Airport. Shannon Airport and the US troops going all the way over to Iraq. John Travolta. John Travolta who flies his own planes. John Travolta flies into Shannon Airport regularly on his own in a giant jumbo jet just to get his hair cut in Ennis there's a barber in Ennis and John Travolta flies in on a plane

to Shannon to get his hair cut and this is all true you can look it up on the internet and there's a photo of the same barber his name is Hassan in Ennis cutting Joe Biden's hair. So Joe Biden started flying into Shannon Airport to get his hair cut in Ennis. What's going on here? What's happening here?

The same airport where the CIA are doing extra rendition flights. You've got Joe Biden getting his hair cut in Ennis. John Travolta doesn't even have hair. Sometimes I wonder if John Travolta comes to Ennis not to get his hair cut, but to get Ennis people's hair. And then he leaves on his jumbo jet full of Venetian hair. I found out about that barber when I was in a taxi. I was in a taxi in Limerick and the taxi driver was from Iraq. And he was telling me about his buddy in Ennis who cuts John

Travolta's hair and I was like fuck off you're you're bullshitting there's no way that John Travolta flies to fucking Shannon airport to get his hair cut in Ennis and the the taxi driver's like he does the barber's my friend and he whips out his phone and he's got a load of photographs of John Travolta with his buddy getting his hair cut. And the taxi driver told me that apparently when John Travolta flies into Shannon to get his hair cut, he stays in a nearby hotel. But John Travolta refuses to obey Irish time. So the hotel has to put giant floodlights outside his hotel window to abide by the time in Los Angeles. So John Travolta thinks it's daytime.

I want to get that barber on this podcast. If I ever have the pleasure of doing a live podcast in Ennis. Actually, I did do a fucking live podcast in Ennis. How could I forget? The last time I did a live podcast in Ennis it caused Ireland's first breakout of coronavirus and it was all over the papers how could I forget that gig in Ennis I've forgotten it due to trauma this was like February 2020 and my live podcast in Ennis caused the first major outbreak of coronavirus so sorry about that but if I ever return to Ennis to do a live podcast I'm going to interview that barber and ask him

why why is John Travolta and Joe Biden flying into Shannon to get their hair cut by you do you know might as well give that give that barber a free advert as well. Small local business deserving of an advert. This barber shop is called Panache Hair Design. And it's in Francis Street in Ennis. Has a five star rating on Google. Maybe don't go straight in. Start asking questions about John Travolta. Just get your hair cut and be respectful.

I don't want to cause too much of an influx of john travolta related custom to this barber shop although it's it's already you can look it up like it's papers have covered this story about the barber shop so see i have to be fucking cautious because i forget i don't i don't remind myself every week how many people listen to the fucking podcast there's a million of you which is 10 limericks stuck together. And over the summer, this summer in particular, I caused like an influx of tourism to Limerick, which is a good thing. But I know that the chicken hut, which is a takeaway in Limerick that I did a full podcast on,

because, what was the name of the podcast? I did a podcast called Pat Grace's Famous Fried Chicken which I went into the history of KFC and I proved with absolute rigour that there is only one place in the world

that has the original KFC recipe from the 50s and it's this one place in Limer that has the original KFC recipe from the 50s and it's this one place in Limerick called the Chicken Hut but it caused an influx of tourism over the summer international tourism a lot of people came over from Canada to visit the Chicken Hut and I think it might have been overwhelming

for them I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I got nominated for some awards at the Irish Podcast Awards. I won three awards at the Irish Podcast Awards. Which I'm grateful for. But I'm also trying not to think about or not to take on board. Because that's a dangerous way of thinking.

I try not to think about awards or think about how many people listen to the podcast. What I try to do is make the podcast for me, like I'm just talking at a wall. Because if I do that, then it's emotionally congruent, it's authentic, and I'm speaking about what I legitimately want to speak about. If I start thinking beyond that then there's a danger that I start to make the podcast that I think people want to hear rather than the podcast that I want to make and when any creative person starts to create for an audience. Then you jump the shark. You lose your mojo.

It's illustrated quite beautifully in the films Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2. There's a reason I started this podcast. By speaking about getting myself proper waterproof gear. For the rain and for the cold. It's because this time of year can be very challenging for our levels of happiness. And when our levels of happiness are impacted, our emotional well-being is impacted.

And the day is getting colder, darker, wetter. It's quite challenging. And for a lot of us, it can begin a spiral of negative thinking so something proactive that I always do when winter comes instead of saying things to myself such as it's cold it's wet I wish it was sunny I can't do anything now that the days are getting shorter. How am I supposed to feel good or even enjoy anything when it's raining and windy and cold? I actively try not to allow myself to think like that

because when I think like that, it can send me into a spiral of negative thinking about everything. of negative thinking about everything. So what I do is I embrace and accept that winter is starting and one way that I embrace and accept winter is by experiencing it and enjoying it in the here and now, but also limiting the parts that are genuinely annoying. Allowing myself to get wet, allowing myself to get cold, that's legitimately irritating. What I'm speaking about here is very basic mindfulness and self-awareness,

which takes effort. Now this time last year, when I was just coming out of the pandemic and my mental health was in a very bad way I didn't have this self-awareness. I didn't have a clear enough dialogue with my own internal emotions to even hear what my needs were. So I'd wear the wrong jacket or I'd go cycling and I wouldn't wear gloves and my hands would be cold but I'm not bringing into my awareness that my hands are cold I'm just experiencing a general hum of dis-ease. I'd wear the wrong shoes and my socks might get a little bit wet and a little bit cold but because I'm not in the here and now because I'm not in the present moment. I just experience it as this discomfort that I'm not taking ownership of.

And my lived experience just becomes negative and shitty. Not knowing why and not really questioning why. Just accepting everything as being shit. So I'm not doing that now. I wear Gartex. I get good quality gloves. Now like I said before, military surplus Gartex isn't expensive and you don't even have to get Gartex. Go to the middle aisle in Aldi or Lidl because I guarantee you they'll have a sale soon enough. They always do it this time of year of fairly decent outdoor clothes for fuck all I make the

winter and the wetness and the darkness my friend so like today I walked around in the rain for an entire hour with my hood up and my waterproof jacket one month ago there was a heat wave it was the end of August I was walking around in a t-shirt dressed appropriately for the heat admiring the beauty of the warmth and the sunshine being mindful that's easy to do but now I'm putting in the effort

to do the same with the wind and the rain and the cold and by dressing appropriately for it I'm experiencing the rain in the here and now I'm noticing the type of rain that it is. Rain is quite beautiful when you listen to it, the way that it patters. The freshness of rain can be fantastic. The humidity, when the air is humid, but it's also cold and fresh, and you can drink the air with your lungs. it's also cold and fresh.

And you can drink the air with your lungs. That's what you long for on a very hot summer's day. And if I do it mindfully enough, like I did today when I was having my walk in my waterproof jacket. If I do it mindfully enough, I experience the beauty of autumn and winter. I acknowledge the beauty of autumn and winter I acknowledged the purpose of it I see the the brown and golden leaves not as the death of something that was once vital and green but as the necessary suffering of the cycle of life the obligatory decay that will cause growth in a couple of months. But all of this might sound batshit mad. I'm aware that I've spent 25 minutes advocating for why jackets are a good thing, but it's more than that. It's about mindfulness and acceptance and resilience as a prophylactic for your emotional well-being.

But the alternative is to fight it. To not acknowledge it. I hate this rain. I hate how cold it is. I wish I was somewhere else. I hate those fucking rotten autumn leaves. All of those thoughts put me in a frame of mind. Where an later now I'm not answering an email an email comes in that's a little bit stressful and now I'm saying to myself I fucking hate this email I don't want

to fucking answer this I hate my job seasonal affective disorder is a thing. It's when symptoms of depression present themselves in a lot of people around autumn and winter and the symptoms of it are a persistent low mood, a loss of pleasure and interest in normal everyday activities, feeling irritable, feelings of despair, guilt, worthlessness, low self-esteem, tearfulness, feeling stressed and anxious. Now for some people, Seasonal Adjustment Disorder, SAD, can be caused by a literal lack of vitamin D because there's not as much sunlight. But for other people, who mightn't even get full-blown SAD. It's just, you're in a shit mood for winter. It's not just as simple as there being a lack of sunlight. Winter is simply challenging.

Shorter days is challenging. It's not pleasant. Rain isn't pleasant. Wind isn't pleasant. Being less physically active because of the weather isn't pleasant. Not doing things you'd like to do because of the weather and the darkness, that's not pleasant. There's a reason Christmas is in fucking December, lads, and has nothing to do with Christ. Same with Halloween. Pagan societies had festivals around these times too, to be mentally healthy throughout winter.

I have a responsibility to not allow the external environment dictate my internal mood, because if I allow myself to do that, it stops becoming about the weather, and it starts to become a general spiral of negative thinking that affects how I view myself, how I view other people and how I view the future. So the simple proactive step of making sure that I can maintain physical comfort despite the weather is the first tiny little step towards maintaining my emotional resilience over the next few months and if this sounds idiotically simple it's because it is mindfulness is unbelievably simple mindfulness is the act of trying to live in the present moment by noticing and accepting what's happening in the here and now and when you're not being mindful you're going about your day and your internal dialogue is worrying about shit that happened in the past or worrying about bad shit that might

happen in the future and when you're in that negative spiral of thinking, you don't notice when your feet are cold. You don't notice when they're wet. You don't notice when the rain is pissing you off. You don't notice that you're annoyed because it's getting dark at five o'clock. You just feel bad and you search for all the negative thoughts and emotions that confirm that feeling. So I've spoken about the very simple intervention of dressing appropriately for the weather.

Is your jacket warm enough? Is it dry enough? Are you wearing the right gloves that meet your exact needs? Are you wearing annoying gloves that you need to take off every time you use your phone? I've asked myself all of these questions and I've come up with the answers and it doesn't have to be expensive and all of these material interventions set me up for accepting and actually enjoying the winter but what I want to focus on now is the internal jacket, the internal gloves, the internal pants and these internal clothes are our self-esteem. It's difficult to practice self-awareness, mindfulness, being present in the moment if your internal dialogue with yourself isn't healthy. To be alive if you're on your own means to be continually speaking with yourself inside your head.

If your self-esteem is poor or low and your opinion of yourself is quite negative, then it becomes difficult to hear and understand what your needs are and also to put interventions into action. And what I mean by this is, this time last year my mental health was very poor my self-esteem was in tatters so the little voice inside me that says hold on a minute your feet are fucking freezing your knuckles are cold you're cycling on your bicycle and your knuckles are fucking blue and freezing this jacket isn't good. Your arms are wet and the breeze is blowing against you and your arms are freezing. I couldn't hear that voice. My opinion of myself was so poor, I didn't take my own internal voice seriously. The only voice I was hearing was the one that

was worrying about the past or worrying about the future and everything was terrible anyway. I was also experiencing executive dysfunction. My room was messy. I wasn't answering emails. I wasn't looking after myself. Now I'm also autistic so that makes this particular stuff quite challenging for me. But if you've ever experienced about a depression and maybe you don't wash yourself or you don't feed yourself or you can't remember what it was you used to enjoy at the core of it. Your opinion of yourself is so low that you can't hear or believe the internal voice inside yourself that tries to communicate your needs so you can do something about it. to communicate your needs so you can do something about it. That voice inside yourself that says I'm cold, I'm wet, it's dark, I need a hug. That's your inner child and you're in a spiral of negative thinking or depression. You can't hear that fucking voice. It's muffled and confused and all you know is everything feels shit and I don't know why and when I'm like that I'm not in the best position to practice mindfulness or self-awareness I want to

simplify this further because I'm concerned that what I'm speaking about might be too specific do you ever feel like your head is up your arse do you know when your head is up your arse? Do you know when your head is up your arse? That's what we say in Ireland. My head is up my arse. Here's a great example of when your head is up your arse. Do you know when you have a hangover and you have the fear from the hangover? So you have this hum of anxiety

because you have a hangover and you have a lot of negative thinking because you have a hangover and you might walk to the shop with your hangover and you'll see someone that you know and you'll walk past them and not say hello and then they'll stop you and go fuck it you walk past me and then you say sorry man my head is up my arse I have a hangover then you have a conversation with him you're not listening to him because you have a hangover your head is up your arse then you kind of think you're hungry but you don't know whether you're hungry.

And then you're angry because you don't know what to eat. But you have a hangover, so you just get whatever food is available, whatever bullshit is at the takeaway. Because you don't know what it is you want. You're buying six battered sausages. Because you don't know, am I satiating my hunger, or do I want something really salty and fatty, just to try and feel good? I don't know, my head is up my arse. Similarly, if you've taken a yoke on a Saturday and then it's a Tuesday

and you don't know what you want or what you need, all you know is you feel like shit because your head is up your arse. Well, when your self-esteem is quite low for a fair amount of time, your head is up your arse. In Gestalt psychology, which I did a full podcast on, within Gestalt psychology, it's called not making contact with your environment. If I'm cold or I'm wet, and instead of listening to myself and doing something about it and just experience it as a feeling of shittiness, I'm not making contact with my environment. The word Gestalt is a German word. It means whole. W-H-O-L-E. And Gestalt psychology posits

that we experience discomfort when we don't complete whole cycles. For example, my hands are freezing cold. I notice this. I'm going to make them warm by putting on a pair of gloves. That's called completing a gestalt. I've just completed a circuit there. If my hands are cold and I'm not even aware that that's what's pissing me off and instead I'm stuck up in my head and I don't make my hands warm by putting on a pair of gloves, I haven't completed a circuit and I'll continue on the rest of my day spiraling into negativity. Well, the foundation for all this shit is self-esteem.

Only when I have a realistic, compassionate, flexible opinion of myself as a person can I then listen to and hear and appropriately respond to the voice inside me that's communicating my needs and all of that is how I ended up buying the right pair of pants, the right jacket, the right gloves because right now my self-esteem is in a place where I was able to listen to my needs now I've met those needs and today I experienced the calmness safety and emotional regulation whereby I was able to walk around in the rain and go this isn't so bad and guess what the rest of my day has been going very well so far because of that haven't been worrying about bullshit. I haven't been worrying about the past.

I haven't been worrying about the future. I've been enjoying my day. Before I continue about self-esteem, ways to identify if your self-esteem is low and ways to address it, let's have a little ocarina pause. I'm in my office, so I don't have my ocarina. I need to get a fucking ocarina for this office.

I do have my Puerto Rican guiro and a set of keys. So let's have the Puerto Rican guiro pause. And you're going to hear a digitally inserted advert. I bet you whoever the fuck is advertising on this podcast is pissed off that I give free adverts to the US Army Surplus store and panache barbers. On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth.

Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's all for you, No, no, don't. The first omen, I believe, girl, is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real, it's not real. What's not real? Who said that? The first omen,

only in theaters April 5th. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. I love that guayral. Thank you to whoever sent me the Puerto Rican guirel. Support for this podcast comes from you, the listener, via the Patreon page, patreon.com forward slash the blind boy podcast.

This podcast is my full-time job. This podcast is how I earn a living. I'm a professional artist with multiple projects in the works. I'm a professional artist with multiple projects in the works. What the Patreon does is it provides me with a regular, reliable, predictable source of income which allows me the space as an artist to explore and to fail rather than having the pressure of having to succeed. But ironically, it is this security and space and predictability of income that allows me to provide ye with the best version of my work.

Because this podcast would be shit if every week I had to reach a certain amount of listeners or I had to create something that everybody talks about online. But if you enjoy this podcast, if it brings you comfort, laughter, distraction, solace, whatever the fuck, please consider paying me for the work that I'm doing. All I'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month. That's it. If you met me in real life, would you buy me a pint?

Well, you can via the Patreon page. Now, if you can't afford that, don't worry about it. Because the person who is a patron is paying for you to listen for free. It's a lovely model based on kindness and soundness. Everybody gets a podcast. I get to earn a living. Also, it keeps the podcast fully independent.

No advertiser can tell me what to speak about. No advertiser can come in and adjust the content of this podcast in any way. If they try, I can say, fuck off. I don't need you. So the patrons, the Patreon page keeps this podcast fully independent, which is a difficult thing to do today. I'm considering how large corporate entities are taking over the entire podcast landscape. So please support whatever independent podcast that you enjoy. And you can do this monetarily or just by sharing it

or recommending to a friend or leaving reviews. Also follow the podcast or subscribe to it, especially if you're on Spotify. Because I've heard people saying that Spotify has stopped. Stopped reminding you when my podcast comes out on Wednesdays. I don't know why this is but I would imagine it's because I'm not a Spotify podcast. It would make sense that Spotify are promoting their own podcasts over ones that aren't Spotify podcasts and Acast doesn't have an app anymore unfortunately. So if you're listening to this on Spotify please

make sure you subscribe to it and follow it. And remember, I'm out every Wednesday without fail. I just want to quickly plug a few upcoming gigs. At the end of October, I'm at the Polka Festival at Trim Castle. On November 1st, I'm in Vicar Street in Dublin. That's sold out, I think. You might get one or two tickets. But we have added a second date in Vicar Street on the 2nd of November. It's a Wednesday. I deliberately put these gigs on. I wasn't going to do a second gig but so many of you wanted tickets I said fuck it. So it's a Tuesday

and a Wednesday in Vicar Street which I highly recommend because it's hard to find things to do on Tuesday and Wednesday fucking nights, but you can come along to my podcast, the way you'd go to the cinema or the theatre, you don't have to fucking drink, come to the gig, it'll be a lovely relaxed evening, and you'll be back at home in bed at a reasonable hour, fresh as a daisy, the next morning.

On the 5th of November I'm in Wexford, at the Spiegel tent, and then, on the 18th of November I'm in Wexford at the Spiegel tent and then on the 18th of November forgot about this one I'm gigging in Brussels I'm gigging in Brussels right on the 18th of November so come along to that because I have a class guest scheduled for Brussels the Brussels gig I think I was supposed to do it a few months ago, but I got coronavirus and I had to cancel it. So Brussels is back on, on the 18th of November. God bless. So what is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how you view yourself. At the core of self-esteem is self-acceptance. This means that your opinion of yourself is realistic and honest. You don't have such high expectations of yourself that it's impossible to meet and you're not being so harsh on yourself that you feel like a failure or that you're broken or wrong. You fully and completely and compassionately accept yourself for who you are. Self-esteem can fluctuate. You can go through periods of low self-esteem or high self-esteem. Now high self-esteem doesn't mean thinking you're fucking brilliant, I'm class, I'm amazing. High self-esteem is simply, I accept who I am.

Ultimately, it's a sense of, I deserve to be loved. And I deserve to love someone else. And this sense of deserving is no greater or lesser than anyone else's. We're all the same. My appearance, my job, my possessions, my talents, my skills. These are all aspects of my behaviour, but none of them define my worth as a human being. My worth never changes. I was born into this world as a tiny little baby. And this baby wanted food when it was hungry.

And wanted to go to the toilet when it needed to go to the toilet. And wanted a hug when it needed love. And wanted to cry when it felt pain. And this baby wanted to laugh when it wanted to laugh. These things were that baby's needs. And that baby deserved to have every one of those needs met. Why? Because of that baby's intrinsic worth. The wonderful beautiful glow of humanity that every single one of us are born into this world with. Well that never disappears. You are still that

baby and you still have all of those needs they might be a little bit more complex now that you're an adult but you have all of those needs and they all deserve to be met because you have intrinsic worth that is no greater or lesser than anyone else's that there is self-esteem and that little thought exercise of thinking of ourselves as a tiny little baby that's born into the world that's self-compassionate thinking whatever your opinion of yourself is now as an adult can you imagine going back to you as a little baby and picking yourself up and giving little baby you a bit of food, a bit of cuddles, a bit of laughter, the dignity of a nappy change, that you're not left sitting around in your own shit for too long, that you're not uncomfortable. You'd do it if I just

landed a baby on you right now. So can you do that for yourself? Can you imagine holding and cradling yourself as a tiny little baby and meeting every single one of those very, very basic needs? And not only meeting those needs, but understanding that you deserve to have those needs met because you're alive. That's a self-compassionate thought experiment

to love yourself because we're all still that little baby when I buy myself the right set of gloves to keep my hands warm I try to do it with the compassion of wrapping myself up

as a little baby if I was cold if I had a little baby beside me now and the room was cold and that baby didn't have enough clothes am I just going to ignore that baby and worry about whatever shit's in my head am I going to ignore the cold baby that's crying and asking for help absolutely not I'm going to drop everything and wrap that baby up until it's warm. I'd be duty bound to meet that baby's needs as soon as possible

because if I don't, who else is going to do it? The baby can't do it itself. So my internal dialogue with myself is a bit like that. Emotional awareness, listening to my emotions, listening to what pain am i experiencing now what discomfort am i experiencing listening to these things noticing them and then take an

appropriate action for myself that's self-care it's essential to my survival. And I deserve it because I have intrinsic worth. That's self-esteem. When I don't listen to my needs. When I feel like a shit person. When I compare myself to other people. Or feel that I'm not as good as other people. And ignoring my needs. And my cries.

And ignoring my laughter. I'm not just ignoring adult me, I'm ignoring baby me. And when I visualize things in that way, it can cut past the feelings of low self-esteem and gives me a vital visual image of a little helpless baby that fundamentally says to me, I need to take myself seriously. I need to take self-love and self-compassion and self-kindness and self-acceptance seriously. This is very important. I wouldn't ignore the needs of a child who's in my care. So why am I ignoring the needs of the child who's still there inside me? That's self-esteem. That's unconditional self-regard. If a baby is crying to have its needs met,

you're not going to get pissed off. You're not going to give that baby warmth or food or change its nappy because you have a negative or positive opinion about the baby. You don't. It's a fucking baby and you meet its needs immediately. So unconditional positive self-regard is just that. The hunger you feel as an adult, the tears you feel as an adult, the laughter, the desire for cuddles and connection with another person that you feel as an adult, they're the exact same feelings you were born with.

You just have better words for it now. But as you grow older and you start to develop opinions about yourself and compare yourself to other people and start to not like yourself, you can develop conditional self-regard. You only meet your needs or listen to your needs when you meet certain unrealistic conditions that you've set for yourself as an adult. I'm not as physically attractive as someone else so now I don't love myself and I won't listen to myself when I'm asking me to love myself. I don't deserve love. Yes you do because baby you deserve love. None of

that has gone away. No matter what happened, no matter what you've done, you have that intrinsic worth and those intrinsic needs and they deserve to be met. But as adults, how do we get to the situation whereby we ignore and don't listen to the basic intrinsic needs that we're born with? Well, we learn conditions of worth. Well, we learn conditions of worth. We learn through parents, teachers, siblings,

messages from society, advertising, social constructs. Society tells us that you are only worthy if you meet certain conditions. worthy if you meet certain conditions and this drowns out the whimpers and cries and coos of the little child within us the little baby within us these conditions of work can manifest themselves as what's called core beliefs strong systems of belief that we learn from society or parents or whatever systems of belief that we accept as utter truths that we don't challenge and we carry around with us for our fucking adult lives core beliefs are like a rule book a set of rules that we have about ourselves that determine our sense of self-worth or self-esteem. So here's an example of a few core beliefs. And if I list out these core beliefs and you agree with them, they make sense to you,

then this is what might be contributing to a sense of low self-esteem and not listening to your needs. It's bad to think well of myself. I can't be happy unless a certain condition like success, money, love, approval or perfect achievement is met. Happiness is only achieved through hard work. I am inadequate. Worrying ensures that I'm prepared to face and solve problems. So the more that I worry, the better. Worrying is good. It helps me to prevent future mistakes.

It gives me a sense of control. Things that happened to me in the past make me feel really unhappy and there's nothing I can do about that that's just reality I'm only as good as the work that I do and if I'm not productive and I don't make good work then I'm no good life must be fair if people disapprove of me, reject me, criticise me or mistreat me, it means that I'm inferior and no good. If I try hard enough, everyone will like me. If I try hard enough, the future will be happy and there'll be no problems so all of those there are just common examples of core beliefs that we all carry around with us as this script that we never question that dominates all of our thinking about ourselves other people and our place in the world. Now what do every single one of those core beliefs have in common?

The glaring thing is none of them are realistic. They're all completely unattainable. Like one of them there for me is if I try hard enough then my future will be happy and trouble free. Like that's particularly jarring for me because like I do have low self-esteem. I have low self-esteem. It fluctuates but ultimately I grew up autistic in a school system that told me I was stupid and useless every single day of my fucking life and I'm not blaming that and I'm trying not to use that as an excuse. But I am acknowledging it. As a set of circumstances.

That led me to believe. If I just work hard enough. If I just get it right. If I just overachieve. Then maybe. They will approve of me. Whoever the fuck they is. Maybe they will approve of me. And when that happens, I will be happy. And that happiness will last forever. That's like a little script that I

have in my head. And the difficulty with that core belief for me is that it seems to have worked for me to a certain extent, because I've achieved goals far beyond my expectations of myself. When I was a teenager I would look at comedy on TV like Reeves and Mortimer and dream of being a comedy writer living in Limerick something that seemed utterly impossible. Wow imagine being a comedy writer and my dream as a teenager would have been being a comedy writer on channel four where I would have watched Reeves and Mortimer comedy shows. This would have been so unrealistic I wouldn't have even considered it something that I would pursue and then I fucking got there. At the age of fucking 24, I had my own TV pilot on Channel 4 that I was writing. If I just try hard enough, if I just achieve, if I overachieve so much,

I'll show them that I'm worthy of love and I'll be happy. Do you think that made me fucking happy? Like legitimate, content, self-love, emotionally regulated calmness. It didn't its fuck. It brought me a momentary drug-like injection of approval which disappeared quickly and crashed immediately like a drug I was addicted to and sent me chasing the next thing. Nothing I have ever achieved in my professional career

has ever brought me self-love, contentment, happiness, emotional regeneration, ever. Now what has brought me happiness? The process of getting there. The act of creating art. The act of getting to be creative. The process of getting there. The act of creating art. The act of getting to be creative. The process of it. That does bring me genuine contentment. But not the results. Because it's an unfillable hole. This is why I said, when I said that I got awards for this podcast or whatever, this is why I said this shit is dangerous. I have to acknowledge it

and acknowledge that it exists but not take it seriously because that will never bring me happiness. And if I live my life with the core belief of if I just try hard enough if I overachieve finally they will approve of me

and I will have a lasting forever happiness. If I continue my life with that as a core belief I will suffer from low self-esteem because I'm placing my intrinsic self-worth and capacity to love myself in an unrealistic external goal that will never be met. So instead what I need to do is enjoy creativity and creating because that's who I am. That is, that's one of my needs being met right there. And do that for the love of the process. And then I have to figure out how to hug the little autistic boy in school

and say, you're worthy of love and your needs deserve to be met and these teachers are wrong and their approval or disapproval does not determine your worth because that's intrinsic and you were born with it and it can never be taken away and I'm focusing in on that core belief because that's the one that's relevant to me. What if your core belief is, worrying ensures that I'll be prepared to face and solve problems. And the more I worry, the better. Like I know people like that. They don't feel of any use unless they're continually worrying or fretting about a thing,

about something, because that worrying feels like they're solving a problem. But chances are that's just a little kid who grew up in a house where their parents were fighting all the time and the little child couldn't control the adults fighting. So they just worried about it and worried and worried and worried as a way to try and control the chaos that was contributing to their needs their intrinsic needs not being met so that's this week's podcast i think it wasn't just it wasn't just a long podcast with me telling you why it's a good idea to wear a jacket what this is about really is safety and emotional regulation if I'm to enjoy

the beauty of rain or the beauty of darkness or the beauty of the cold and there is beauty there if I'm to enjoy that beauty I need to experience it in the present moment. And to truly enjoy the present moment requires a curiosity and a playfulness, which are quite childlike qualities. Little babies and toddlers, they live forever in the here and now. Everything about their environment is fascinating and they're curious about it. But only, and this is bringing attachment theory into it only little babies and toddlers whose caregivers are meeting their intrinsic needs by which I mean food, warmth, shelter, love, safety, dignity. Only the toddler who has those needs met

is the toddler who feels emotionally regulated enough to enjoy their environment with a curiosity and a mindfulness. The ones who don't have those needs met are stressed out and they're rocking back and forth or they're crying or they're pulling their hair. While as adults, the equivalent of rocking back and forth and they're crying or they're pulling their hair. Well as adults the equivalent of rocking back and forth and crying and pulling our hair is to have a head full of negative stressed out thoughts all the time. When you're that way you can't enjoy the present moment with

curiosity and playfulness. Only through achieving realistic healthy sense of self-esteem and a self-compassion and love for ourselves can we listen to and meet our intrinsic needs so that we can be emotionally regulated I hope that made sense to you right I'll be back next week

what a hot take probably I don't know something about a 13th century monk who could see visions of purgatory by staring into a rabbit's open mouth or something. Alright, dog bless. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the splendor and beauty of winter. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first

ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.