The Blindboy Podcast - Blame and Anger

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

Mental health podcast. I chat about how blaming other people can sometimes leave us feeling angry and powerless. How I identify these emotions and manage them healthily Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you quit? Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. We're going to start this week's episode with a poem. Because I haven't read out a poem in a long time. I haven't had many poems submitted to me. I had one a couple of weeks ago that was sent in by Liam Neeson but it was too rude to read out and I didn't want to read it out. But luckily this week I was sent a poem and this is the second poem that's been sent to me by Brian McFadden from the group Buys Life. Formerly he was in Westlife, now he's in Buys Life.

Buys Life is an amalgamation of members from Westlife and Buys Own. But now they're together in Buys Life. It's a bit like when Cheese and Onion Tato Crisps released those chocolate bars so it was it was a chocolate bar with Cheese and Onion Tato Crisps and when you eat it, it instantly fills you with a sense of

childhood nostalgia, well the group Buys Life are like that but it's not a culinary experience, it's a musical and dancing experience. So Brian McFadden sent me this poem anyway that I'm going to read out. He had it couriered to me on fool's cap paper in the back of a taxi. And this poem is called Embrace the Fair-Headed Casey Brothers.

Embrace the fair-headed Casey brothers. Let them suck your fists under the big gloopy moon big baby Casey's forty years old and still teething cradle cap elbows battering digits on the ledger whooping cough Ralph Lauren polo shirt

creasing metal nappies from the bonnet of an old Mondeo drinking the pinprick milk lips parting like greyhounds at the track that was Embrace the Fair-Headed Casey Brothers by Brian McFadden thank you for that Brian best of luck with Boys Life

I'd actually love to see a fucking Buys Life gig I'm not taking the piss I would love cause Buys Life is it's it's Brian McFadden from Westlife and it's Keith Duffy

from Buys On just the two of them and I think they do a lot of travelling with their gigs they go around the world with it and it's a small gig

I'd actually love if it was like if I was somewhere like Malaga or Forta Ventura on holidays and I'm wandering down and I see that there's a a small bar or a venue

and Boys Life are playing that night and it was a surprise I didn't know and I spontaneously say to myself yes I'm gonna go in there I'm gonna sit down and it'll be a small place with nice sound.

And it's Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy singing the songs of Westlife and Bison. And I'm having pints brought to me. I'd actually love that. There'd have to be no COVID. It would have to be a zero COVID situation in a universe where COVID is either gone or hasn't happened yet and I tell you why and it's something I've realised about consuming alcohol

over this pandemic and I'm not talking about drinking at home where it's safe and there's no risk of COVID I mean in a pub or in a restaurant so over the past year and a half I've probably done that maybe four times I mean in a pub or in a restaurant. So over the past year and a half, I've probably done that maybe four times,

four times maybe five in a year and a half where I'm sitting down in Ireland at table service and I'm having a few pints with a friend. And I'm going to speak about the enjoyable experience of drinking alcohol for about the next three minutes. So if that's something you're struggling with or want to avoid at the moment, skip forward about three minutes. So, I haven't been able to really enjoy a pint during this pandemic. And the reason is, is that...

So why do we drink? Why do we drink socially? It's... reason is is that so why do we drink why do we drink socially it's there's the wonderful taste of a pint obviously there's the sensation of a pint the fizziness the coldness of it there's that but what we're looking for is the mellow feeling of inebriation now i'm not talking about getting shit-faced drunk getting blind drunk i'm talking about responsibly and slowly allowing that warm feeling of alcohol to kind of wash over your body. And you relax and you get a heady buzz. And then you feel uninhibited and happy. That's, I think, what responsible drinkers enjoy that's what you're looking for and i haven't experienced that over the pandemic because in order to experience that

you have to hand yourself over to the pint you have to be sitting down relaxed and you need to hand yourself over to the wisdom of the pint and And in order for that to occur. You can't have any other responsibilities. Anxiety can't be present. Worry can't be present. You have to be kind of chilled out already. And okay with having these pints. So I can't experience that under COVID. Because I'm thinking about social distancing.

I'm thinking about the safety of other people, my safety. And I'm also thinking about, okay, right now I'm sitting down. There's table service. The pints are being brought to me. But if I need to go for a piss, I need to observe social distancing. I need to make sure I'm wearing my mask. And these are all very responsible types of thoughts. They're all very responsible thoughts that are underpinned by a bit of worry and anxiety.

So because of this, I can't hand myself over to the pint. So any pints I've had so far have not been enjoyable they haven't been enjoyable they've been a bit annoying it's like you drink one or two pints and then you start to experience the wooziness of alcohol and it becomes

an annoying thing because the responsible part of your brain is thinking about social distancing and putting your mask on and stuff like that how did I get onto this? Responsible part of your brain is thinking about. Social distancing. Putting your mask on. And stuff like that. How did I get onto this? Yeah.

So look. If I was in fucking. If I was in Malaga. Or Fort Aventura. I'm writing fan fiction now. I'm writing boys life fan fiction. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm writing. Utopian boys life fan fiction.

In Fort Aventura. where the coronavirus never happened. And it's going to be a bestseller. So, yes, I want there to be no coronavirus and I want to be in Fort Aventura and to wander up to a bar full of English expats, as they call themselves, because they're too good to call themselves immigrants. expats, as they call themselves, because they're too good to call themselves immigrants. English expat bar, and I want to be surprised, and I want to sit down,

and have a pint of San Miguel delivered to me, and I want to see Keith Duffy, and fucking Brian McFadden, sing the songs of Bison, and Westlife. I'm going to enjoy the music with new ears. I'm going to have, the San Miguel is going to wash over me. I've handed myself over to the pint of San Miguel. I'm going to have the San Miguel is going to wash over me.

I've handed myself over to the pint of San Miguel. I'm feeling that lack of inhibitions, that gentle inebriation. And now I'm listening to Flying Without Wings. And I'm saying to myself, I ignored this song when it was on the radio all through my childhood. And now I'm hearing it with new ears and it's not that bad and then I go out to the smoking area and I'm not thinking about social distancing because coronavirus doesn't exist I'm bumping off people I'm out in the smoking area it's cramped I get chatting to a an old English man called Terry who's in his 60s and I ask Terry can I have one of your John Player Blues and now I'm smoking John Player Blues. With an Englishman called Terry the

sky is glowing orange with the light pollution from Fort Aventura town. On my left ear I can hear Uptown Girl and I notice wow that sounds good with Keith Duffy singing it. I notice I'm down to the end of the John Player blue and it's not that nice a cigarette that's fine I put it out and I end the conversation with Terry just in case he tells me he used to be a paratrooper in Belfast in the 70s

I go back down to my seat and I enjoy the rest of my gig coronavirus doesn't exist and I have a great night I would love that I would fucking I would love that I would fucking I would love that I'd love that because

it's the spontaneity of it the spontaneity of it that would be a good night for me challenging myself so this week's podcast is not about boys life it's not about alcohol if this is your first podcast

maybe go back and listen to a few earlier episodes I always recommend that but if you're a regular listener you know the crack you know the crack so this week I want to do a mental health podcast I want to do this for my own emotional well-being

and also for you too because whenever I do a mental health podcast I do get powerful feedback from you and it's nice to know that it's nice to know A mental health podcast. I do get. Powerful feedback from you. And. It's nice to know that. It's nice to know.

If you're listening to my podcast. That. It's also helping you along. With the struggles of your own lives. And. It's stressful. It's been. It's been a stressful two years.

What can I say. It's been a stressful two years for everyone. So I want to speak about. Blame. Blaming. I want to speak about blame blaming I want to speak about how sometimes we can blame other people for things in our own lives that we're not very happy about and sometimes there's a good reason to blame someone for something that they might have done to you but what I'm talking about is how a cycle of blame

can lead us to be deeply, deeply unhappy to have lower self-esteem and for blame to ultimately leave us feeling really, really powerless and furiously angry so let's talk about that let's have a chat about are we blaming people in our lives for things that ultimately we could accept responsibility for are we blaming people in our lives and is it appropriate to blame another human being for where we are right now in our own lives

i'll get first off let's have an example of what i mean by blaming so i used to i used to be a heavy smoker i used to really i used to smoke a lot of cigarettes about 10 years ago i used to be on like 20 a day okay and if you're on 20 cigarettes a day that's no fun after a while and you really really want to be free of cigarettes because I was waking up in the middle of the night just to cough it was rotten and getting off cigarettes is really difficult if you're addicted it's fucking really difficult so I remember

like was I in fucking college or something I was in college and I was trying to give up cigarettes and I was going cold turkey that's it cold turkey and I had a pal who was a fucking an enabler

a full on enabler whenever I would try and give up cigarettes if I was a full week off cigarettes my pal didn't like this because they used to smoke as well they didn't like this one bit because they were losing a smoking buddy

and also if I got clean of cigarettes maybe it meant they might have to do it too so if I was 3-4 days off the cigarettes they would straight up taunt me they would say ah come on they're delicious you don't really want to give up come on and they'd wave the cigarette in front of my face

and then I'd go fuck it and I'd take it and I'd smoke it and then I'm back on the cigarettes and it would be lovely for a half an hour And then I'd go, fuck it. And I'd take it and I'd smoke it. And then I'm back on the cigarettes. And it would be lovely for a half an hour. And then it's three days later. I'm back on 20 cigarettes a day. And I'm fucking furious with this person. I'm so seething with anger. And here I am smoking these cigarettes smoking smoking smoking saying to

myself there's no point in even giving up they got me back on this it's their fault that I'm back smoking and if I try to give up they'll do this to me again and this is all their fault I fucking hate them and this anger was making me absolutely miserable. Not only was it making me miserable, the anger was really working for me. Because what it meant is that I now had an excuse to no longer accept personal responsibility for smoking cigarettes. I had handed all my power over to them. Now taunting me with cigarettes, actively trying to get me to smoke when I'm clearly giving up, that's a terrible way to treat your friend. Okay, that was a bad thing to do to me. But, they can't force me.

The person who ultimately took that cigarette, who continued to smoke, who gave in to their taunting. That's me. I made that choice. I have the responsibility and I have the agency to not do that. They're still being a dickhead, but they can't make me. And now I'd found myself in a situation where I was secretly fuming with another human being and in my mind I'd made them a really powerful person who controlled me and this actually worked for me this really worked for me because it was the path of least resistance even though it was stressful and upsetting to be internally blaming this person for getting me back on cigarettes even though that was painful and stressful it was actually easier

than accepting full responsibility myself and saying I have a choice here if they're consistently doing this I can actually get the fuck away from them I can create a boundary I can bring it up with them and say when you when I'm trying to come off cigarettes

and you come and offer them to me you're being a prick there that's not a nice thing to do to me can you stop that I have all this power and agency to do this with this other person but I wasn't doing it I was giving in smoking the cigarettes and angrily blaming them and handing all my power over because it worked for me. And then what happens as a result of that? The anger, the continual anger and fuming in my head at the actions of another person, that makes me upset because now I'm secretly angry all the time. secretly angry all the time the more i fantasize and blame them for getting me back on cigarettes the more power i've given them in my mind which means the concept and idea of challenging them becomes terrifying now because i've built them up into this giant monster that can control me like a puppet and because i've handed my power over to another human being now my

self-esteem is lower because you play when you blame another person you place yourself underneath them but blaming is a bit like an emotional limp i'll tell you what i mean by that so if you've been listening to podcast this podcast you know that that I have a problem with my Achilles heel for about the past six months. I couldn't go to the gym. I was running too much. As a result of running too much, I injured my Achilles heel, which means that I can't really run the way I used to run. And I love running. Now, to fully repair an Achilles heel is a long process. It could take six months.

It could take between four and six months of simply staying off my Achilles heel, doing other exercises and strengthening my legs. That requires me to take a huge amount of responsibility and to do something I kind of don't want to do. I want to continue running because I love running. I don't want to not run, lose my fitness and then concentrate my exercise in another area. I don't want to do that but it's what I must do if I'm to fully repair my Achilles heel and it's what I am doing right now. But for a couple

of months I wasn't doing that. Instead what I was doing was trying to run 10 kilometers a couple of months, I wasn't doing that. Instead, what I was doing was trying to run 10 kilometers a couple of times a week, getting a limp after five kilometers with a sore ankle and continuing through with the pain. And each time I continue through with the pain, it doesn't solve the problem. It actually makes it worse. But that limp was the path of least resistance it's easier for me to limp have a sore ankle never let it repair than it is for me to accept and take agency of full responsibility of resting it and engaging in the long arduous process of letting it heal and not running and one of the things that stopped me

taking this full responsibility is anger I was angry with the pandemic I was furiously angry at the unfairness of there's a pandemic I can't go to the gym so the only option I have is to run and my anger wouldn't let me rest my anger wouldn't let me rest there was an unconscious voice inside me saying no fucking way I'm not resting because that fucking content pandemic did this to my ankle so fuck the pandemic I'm gonna run through the pain even if that continues to injure me because why should I give in to that bollocks of a pandemic? And that's utterly ridiculous. But we do this with our emotions and other people quite a lot. It's a difficult one to talk about

and it's a difficult one to try and explain because in these situations, you're actually dealing with a real triggering event. In the situation of me there trying to give up cigarettes, someone was mistreating me there. That wasn't nice. Someone willingly trying to get me back on cigarettes for their own selfish reasons. That's not nice. That's really not nice. But that doesn't mean that I get to blame that person then for my actions. My actions are, I'm going back on the cigarettes because they've been tempting me.

They've created an environment that's made it difficult for me to stay off the cigarettes. But that doesn't mean I get to blame them for my actions. The pandemic is a real situation. It's genuinely unfair it's unfortunate yes I do have an Achilles heel injury because I couldn't go to the gym and I had to run all the time so I can I can kind of point the finger and say this pandemic has put me in a situation where I've injured my foot but I can't blame the pandemic for running through the pain and refusing to give in and getting really angry I can't blame the pandemic for refusing to accept

responsibility for what I can change road rage is a good example of how I can discuss blame okay so you're driving along in your car and another car cuts in front of you really quickly to get in front of you and when they do that that's dangerous okay they really could have caused an accident right there and

the person could have been careless or worse than careless the person was being a bit of a prick. And they decided to take a risk that put both of your safety at jeopardy. That's the one that's really triggering. The person did it deliberately. They made quite a selfish choice and they were wrong to cut in front of you and to put both of your safety in jeopardy. And when that happens then, you get absolutely fucking furious.

Now you're revving your engine up and you're trying to follow the car. And you're trying to go alongside them, beeping your horn and shouting in your car so that they can see you shouting at them. And you're calling them a prick and a dickhead and beeping your horn. And you doing this now, now you're calling them a prick and a dickhead and beeping your horn and you doing this. Now you're the person who's really endangering everybody on the fucking road because you're full on reckless. That right there is a hijacking of blame.

Okay? What you've done there in that moment is you've handed all your power over to that person. You are not an adult who is recognizing that they have responsibility over their own actions and emotions. Because blame means that they are making you do this. What you did is making me behave this way. You're now breaking the law. You're chasing them.

You're beeping your horn. You're now breaking the law you're chasing them you're beeping your horn you're now breaking the law endangering everybody's life and you're doing it because in your mind at that part at that moment they made you do this if they hadn't cut you off you wouldn't be this angry they made you do this you're doing this because of them and the reality is no what they did was wrong but the choice to follow them down the road

beep your horn get really angry and endanger everyone's life you made that choice you have full and complete responsibility over your actions in that situation and that's what cognitive psychology comes down to in life you have no control over what happens to you

but you have full control over how you react to what happens to you and when someone does something that triggers your anger and you react and you respond and you justify it by saying what you did to me made me this angry and now this is all your fault that I'm behaving this way that right there is blame in action and the reason that's toxic and harmful to you is you've handed all your power over to another person you're no longer an adult now an adult is someone who is able to make choices around how they behave and their own life and how their day would like to be but when you do that you're no longer an adult now another person you've placed them in a position of control over

you and that will have detrimental impact on your self-worth and self-esteem and ultimately your happiness because realistically what happens in that road rage situation most people now if that other person got really pissed off as well because you have the audacity to drive up beside him and beep now that person pulls over on the side of the road and you have to have a fight now you're both handing each other's power over to each other and and you're committing assault most situations aren't going to go like that what will happen is you beep you shout you scream and then things calm down, the person moves on, and then you spend the rest of your day, or possibly the week, getting furious,

sitting down watching TV, and now you're furious at the stranger who cut you off on Thursday. You're fucking furious. You can't enjoy Netflix. You can't enjoy your dinner. You are in a loop all day. Of an angry fantasy. About someone who made you this angry. And why does that happen? Because.

For most of us as adults. When you lose your rag. When you throw a tantrum. When you do that. When you're the beeping, aggressive driving person, that's something that most of us feel shame and embarrassment about afterwards. If you're an adult in society, it's embarrassing to be the adult who is behaving like a toddler. I mean, people who do that go viral on the internet. We've all seen it, the road rage person. And you're watching the video of the man in his 50s

with a red face screaming at the car and it's a bit cringy and mortifying. If you want to see a perfect example of this, look up a video on YouTube called Ronnie Pickering. This is a kind of a famous road rage incident that was recorded so it happens over in england so there's a fathead driving a car called ronnie pickering and a dude driving a scooter cuts him off and the video is filmed on the the helmet of the dude driving the scooter so ronnie pickering who's been cut off

is fucking furious he's lost the rag and he rag and he pulls over the car and he screams at your man. Do you know who I am? I'm Ronnie Pickering. And the other guy's like I don't know who the fuck you are. I'm Ronnie Pickering. I'm a famous bare knuckle boxer. You cut me off. You need to get out of this car and we need to have a bare knuckle fight. And then the other dude remains completely. The other dude's angry. But he remains assertive throughout.

He's angry but he doesn't lose control. And he's just going. You want to have a fight? You want to fight me? Because I cut you off? And Ronnie Pickering then has to sit with the anger. With his red face. And his poor wife is in the front car front seat

very very silent because clearly this is what she has to live with every single day but what you have there is Ronnie Pickering big strong man in a car screaming and roaring losing his temper requesting a bare knuckle fight of a man in a scooter who cut him off and the dude in the scooter refuses to accept responsibility for the blame. Ronnie Pickering says. You cut me off. And now we have to have a bare knuckle fight. And then the scooter fella says.

I don't want to fight you. And Ronnie Pickering says. Well don't cause fights then. And right there is the perfect example. Ronnie Pickering has blamed the other party. For how he feels inside. But the other dude. Ronnie Pickering has blamed the other party for how he feels inside. But the other dude assertively

refuses to accept all that power. But Ronnie Pickering there, Ronnie Pickering thinks he's the big hard man who's going to have a fight. But what he's actually doing is he's giving the guy on the scooter every single bit of his power. What if Ronnie Pickering got into that fight and killed him? single bit of his power. What if Ronnie Pickering

got into that fight and killed him? He could ruin his life. He's handing all his power over and the other fella's just going I refuse to accept this power. No. No. I'm not fighting you. That's not going to happen. Let's just get on with our day.

It's a beautiful example of human psychology. It's a beautiful example of anger and blame and accepting responsibility for your emotion and trying to project your emotions on another person. And it's also a wonderful example of shame and embarrassment. Because the guy on the scooter refuses to accept responsibility for Ronnie Pickering's tantrum, now Ronnie Pickering is left with nowhere to put that energy

and it's just really embarrassing. So immediately after an incident like that, a road rage incident where you do that, immediately afterwards, when things cool down, you kind of feel a bit cringy, you kind of go, oh for fuck's sake, that was embarrassing. But that feeling of shame there the feeling of shame and embarrassment that's really painful so often we can use blame

to avoid feeling that way so if you do lose the rag right and you're disappointed at your behavior if you publicly put everyone in the road in danger because you had a road rage incident the healthy thing to do there afterwards is to go fuck it I need to reflect on my anger there

that was embarrassing and I put people's lives in danger I need to reflect on that that's generally not what we do to avoid

that feeling of shame you blame the other person so instead of going. I shouldn't have done that. You go. They fucking made me do that.

The fucking prick. The cunt. They made me do that. That fucking bollocks. So now blame via anger is protecting you from feelings of shame. And that right there is handing all your power over to another person. That's what blame is. It's the path of least resistance the really difficult thing to do the thing that requires emotional maturity

and assertiveness the really difficult thing to do is when someone cuts you off you go holy fuck that person's a dangerous driver shit you acknowledge that they didn't cause an accident right now, but I think I better keep my distance from this person, I'm going to let them off. What are my needs right now? Right now my needs are, I'm in the car, and I need to continue being safe, because this person in front of me doesn't give a shit.

That's a really difficult position to take that requires you to be calm that requires assertiveness emotional maturity in the moment that's really difficult to do what's very easy is to get quite angry and to blame the other person for your anger and to give them all your power. That's the easiest thing to do. That's reactive. It's an immature, childish emotion. And just to take it back to that Ronnie Pickering video about, you know, the opportunity afterwards to reflect on your behavior. That Ronnie Pickering video happened in 2015 so I went and googled it and I said has anything happened since so in 2020, 5 years on because the Ronnie Pickering video

had gone so viral a newspaper decided to contact Ronnie Pickering 5 years on to say how do you feel about going globally viral as being a very angry man for road rage and Ronnie Pickering gave an interview five years on and he hadn't reflected on it he just said people have rows like that all the time but they're not

always filmed the guy wanted a reaction and he got one the video was heavily edited the footage of him winding me up wasn't there at all he edited much of himself out and made it look like he was the victim. So maybe that's true but to be honest it's unlikely. It's unlikely looking at the video. Five years on Ronnie Pickering is still blaming that man for how angry he got at that time. Five years on he's still fucking furious. In those five years, I'm sure Ronnie Pickering, at home, on his own, when he could have been enjoying a cup of coffee, punched the shit out of his wardrobe. Do you know what I mean?

I'm sure he got very, very angry at times because he's still blaming the other dude for his internal anger. And I don't know Ronnie Pickeringering I don't want to judge him but if he's famous for being a bare knuckle boxer then chances are Ronnie has his issue with anger and I don't know Ronnie's story I don't know his childhood

I don't know what would have led to those circumstances so I won't be casting any judgement but what I will it's sad that's a sad and upsetting situation it's sad that five years on he's still blaming

and still hanging on to that anger and I always take this back to that analogy of the two Buddhist monks which I'm sure I've mentioned before around anger and blame there was two Buddhist monks walking down the road Buddhist monks which I'm sure I've mentioned before around anger and blame. There was two Buddhist monks walking down the road. Buddhist monks are they're not allowed to touch women.

They weren't allowed to touch women. So as the two Buddhist monks are walking down the road they notice a woman standing in front of a little river and the woman can't cross the river because of the clothes that she's wearing so one of the monks says hop up onto my shoulders and I'll take you across the river so he does in the moment he reacts with compassion and he helps a woman across the river she gets across the river he helps her across and then the two monks continue their journey but all of a sudden the other monk isn't talking for the entire journey he's fucking furious so at the end of the journey the monk who carried the woman says to his buddy why are you so

angry and the other dude says you fucking know we're not supposed to touch women and you put her up on your shoulders and you helped her across that river you broke the rules and then the monk who carried her said i only carried her for two seconds across that river you you broke the rules. And then the monk who carried her said, I only carried her for two seconds across that river. You've been carrying her for the entire journey up to this point. And what he meant there was, blame. The angry monk blamed the woman and blamed the other monk for how he was feeling inside. He didn't accept responsibility for his emotions. he didn't accept responsibility for them for his

emotions he didn't accept responsibility for the situation he allowed his anger around rules to dictate how he viewed the situation because a calm person would simply say yeah they're not allowed to touch women but he didn't touch her in a sexual way. He didn't break any of the monk's rules. He actually compassionately helped the woman across the river. And in order to do that, he needed to physically contact her. So, maybe chill the fuck out. So before we continue with more examples of blame and what we can do about blame

and the relationship between blame and anger, we'll have a little ocarina pause. between blame and anger. We'll have a little ocarina pause. The first omen, I believe, girl, is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year.

It's not real, it's not real. What's not real? Who said that? The first omen, only in theaters April 5th. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not

alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That was the ocarina pause. You might have heard an advert there. I don't know what for. It's algorithmically generated. This podcast is supported by you the listener via the patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind boy podcast this podcast is my full-time job this is how i earn a living it's a lot of work i love doing this work but if you're consuming my work and you're enjoying it and you're taking something from this just please consider paying me for the work that i'm doing all i'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month that's it

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then it just becomes like radio and radio is shit for a reason you know radio shit because it's not fully independent advertising fucks everything up follow me on instagram blind by boat club and catch me on twitch every thursday night 8 30 twitch.tv forward slash the blind by podcast and patreon once again is patreon.com forward slash the blame by podcast god bless blame is also a big one with with uh with relationships i've watched people really put themselves into quite shitty situations because of blame sometimes we can we can even use blame to punish another person i know someone who they were in third year of college

they were in their first proper relationship their partner broke up with them and they were heartbroken they were devastated because their partner broke up with them, they were really really upset and what

they did is they then quit college they left college now obviously okay they're feeling a lot of pain breaking up with someone in college is going to be very stressful you have to deal with feelings of rejection

it was very painful for them but as far as they were concerned it's like you broke up with me and now i have to quit college i have to drop out now look what you've done to me look what you've done to me the person left college they ended up not finishing college going into a job they weren't happy with and for years blaming their girlfriend when they were in third year, blaming their fucking girlfriend for their life being unhappy three, four years later.

I'm in this shit job. I don't like this. I'd be a qualified solicitor right now if it wasn't for them. If they didn't break up with me and break my heart, I wouldn't have had to leave college and I'd be in a brilliant job right now I'd be earning money and I wouldn't be where I am right now which is really really unhappy this is all their fault and this person had gotten so bitter about it that they'd pushed friends away eventually because people were just sick and tired of of hearing it anytime pints were involved they'd never moved on from their relationship

and their life became a very unhappy, bitter existence where their current level of employment, their current options that were available to them, they had completely disempowered themselves to take any action in their lives because in their minds they'd blamed another human being when the fact of the matter is that's just not the case

yes someone broke up with you yes that was really really hurtful yes that situation was quite stressful and obviously is not an ideal thing that you want to be thrown onto you while you're in college but you ultimately you made the choice to drop out and then you made the choice to not go back because you really wanted your ex to see how badly you were doing. That was another part of it.

Not only did they drop out. But they kind of engineered their life to be extra shitty. In the hopes that their ex would see how terrible they're doing. And then feel bad for them. The ex probably didn't give a fuck they'd moved on but they had constructed two or three years of their life

around a fantasy of the ex doing something that destroyed their life and then needing the ex to witness how terrible their life was so they could feel the pain that they were feeling

and that's quite common and it's a recipe for it's it's a recipe for anger depression and incredibly low self-esteem incredibly low self-esteem because you you don't when when you actively blame another person consistently blame another person's actions for things that you actually have control over, when you do that, you don't feel like you have any power over your own life because you've given all that power to another person.

They didn't necessarily ask for it. They mightn't have even asked for it. They don't want it. But we create this fantasy in our head where when you blame someone you go there you go you i'm i'm here because of you therefore you control everything that happens from here on in and it's a miserable existence and often it can protect us from shame now this this person has. They've sorted their stuff out since. And they've gone to therapy. And they're doing alright now.

But. When I speak to them about this. When they look back at that period. They are embarrassed about the fact that. Yeah. I kind of just quit college. To try and hurt my ex. I kind of did that to weaponise.

They'd broken up with me and I felt terrible about it. So I kind of deliberately fucked shit up for myself. In the hopes that they would see. And that they might feel as bad as I feel now because they broke up with me. And that's kind of embarrassing. That's really embarrassing now looking back that that happened so the the thing is there sometimes we use blame to protect ourselves for actions that are shameful that are embarrassing blame is a great way to not accept personal responsibility because you can put it all on someone else anger is often a go-to emotion that we can use to to hide much more shameful feelings like

jealousy right no one likes to admit that they feel jealous of another person all right no one likes to admit that if someone has a nice car or a good job you kind of don't want to say out loud I'm jealous of that person's car so often what we do instead is we go I don't like that person I think they're a fucking prick I think they're a show-off don't like them one bit why what did they do to you what did they say to you I don't know I just fucking don't like them but the reality is no their job their job or their car made you feel insecure their job and their car which is their business

made you feel inadequate about your own life made you feel jealous this is shameful but feeling shame feeling shame and feeling inadequate is quite big so your brain decided

let's feel a big load of anger instead in order to hide that shame your car made me feel insecure so now you are a prick you're a stuck up dickhead because you have a nice car it's the same shit you're handing control over via blame and

sometimes the reason the blame is so difficult to speak about is in some situations we can be talking about another person actually treating us poorly and it's difficult to then say

just because a person treats you poorly, you still have control and agency around how you react to the other person's behaviour. Even if they're being mean, if they're being a bully, if you're being picked on, we still have control over how we react to that. Do you get what I'm saying? So I'm not leaving, I'm not suggesting that you leave the other person off the hook. Sometimes we blame because we're scared to be assertive. Let's take it back to that situation with me and the cigarettes

when I'm in my fucking early 20s, right? So, I'm in a friendship with someone who isn't really my friend, to be honest, alright? If I'm trying to come off cigarettes and a person who's supposed to be my friend is actively enabling me for their own selfish reasons, taunting me with cigarettes, that person's not being my friend right there.

They're manipulating me. They're manipulating me. They're bullying me. They're not being compassionate. They're being pretty shitty to me. But yes, it's still not their fault that I go back on the cigarettes. And it's not their fault that I'm there feeling like shit that I'm back on cigarettes and blaming them. That's actually me. But here's the thing.

What I should have done in that situation is I should have been assertive. Now assertiveness means when I'm off the cigarettes and they pull out a cigarette and start waving it in front of my face and saying, Oh, delicious cigarettes go on have it have it what I should do in that moment is have the confidence the emotional maturity the self esteem

and the confidence to hold that person accountable in that moment to hold them accountable and say that's not you shouldn't treat me like that that I'm experiencing the way that you're treating me now is quite uh manipulative and mean that's not on I'm trying to give up cigarettes here why are you doing that but the thing is I I hadn't done I hadn't fucking been to therapy it was probably it was probably more than 10 years ago it was probably

more than 10 years ago I was in my early 20 10 years ago. I was in my early 20s. I hadn't gone to therapy. My self-esteem was incredibly low. I didn't have emotional maturity. The idea of confronting that person in the moment was fucking terrifying. I would have been too meek. That would have been conflict. Conflict terrified me at the time. The idea that

I might have to stand up for myself and say to a person that you're mistreating me. I wouldn't have had the self-esteem for that. So I didn't. I gave in. I took the cigarette and silently stewed in anger and hatred for this person and gave them all my power. I then hated myself for allowing myself to be bullied effectively and blaming them for my actions and my choices was a hell of a lot easier than being assertive and actually recognising my power and my agency and my capacity to take responsibility, not only for my own emotions but my actions like that's the thing with responsibility responsibility is our ability to respond recognizing that when something happens i have an ability to respond to what happens that's

responsibility even though they're spelled differently and another thing too if my self-esteem had been in check if I was had emotional awareness emotional maturity and a greater sense of self-worth not only would I have been able to hold that person to account the first time they tried to wave a cigarette in front of my face not only would I have been able to hold them to account I would have also recognized that why am I smoking cigarettes with someone who's actually not my friend this person isn't my friend friends don't treat other friends like this and I'd create physical distance I'd stop meeting them for cigarettes if my self-esteem and confidence was in check I would have never smoked a cigarette with that person in the first place or gotten

into a situation where I think that they're my friend because with maturity, self-esteem and self-worth I'm able to spot very quickly who is a good positive person to be around and who is a toxic negative person to be around. But blame clouded my judgment. Blame and anger allowed me to continue staying in a friendship like that when I should have just went like, I need to get the fuck away from this person. They're consistently behaving like a prick. Also, and this is very important. I experienced a great deal of pain, sadness, depression.

I was smoking cigarettes for ages. My actions of continuing to smoke cigarettes and to blame that person and to the anger and hurt that I felt, I don't have a right to go back to that person and say, have you any idea of the hell that I've been through because of how you treated me I don't have a right to do that because that was me

all I have a right to say is not allowing me to give up cigarettes so you can continue to have a smoking buddy that's a bit shitty that's all I can say to them because that's all they've say to him because that's all they've done but the months of pain that I experienced I have to accept responsibility for

that I created all that pain for me all that anger all that pain all that resentment for them that's all me and I can't go back to them with that and say, you caused me months of pain. They didn't. They did something a little bit shitty and how I reacted to it created all the pain. It would actually be unfair of me to go back to them and do that. That would be unfair of me. That would be me. Take it back to the car analogy.

that would be me take it back to the car analogy if I go back to him and say when you taunted me with cigarettes you caused me months and months of pain that's like me driving up beside him in the car and screaming and roaring so I have to accept responsibility for that pain I did that to myself

and you know what that's fucking liberating that's a very liberating thing that's way more liberating than blaming them for that hurt. And I want to make an important distinction there that we have to

assess this on a case by case basis. So that situation there with that person and the cigarettes and me I actually did have agency and control there. I didn't have the self esteem, I didn't have the confidence to enact it at the time but I actually did have agency and control there. I didn't have the self-esteem, I didn't have the confidence to enact it at the time, but I actually did have the capacity to hold them to account.

I did have the capacity to not smoke cigarettes. I did have full responsibility to walk away completely, if that's what I wanted to do. Completely, if that's what I wanted to do. I'm not contrasting this with people who are experiencing abuse where there's a fucking power dynamic at play something like coercive control

where a person is being mistreated and they actually can't escape this because of material conditions or power if the person who's mistreating you is is your boss at work or something and you may not have the actual agency to assert yourself because to do so might mean losing your job that's a different story so we have to take this on a case by case basis. What I'm getting at is. For us to develop the awareness. The awareness.

That. If we blame another person. For where we're at in our lives right now. Is there a literal actual reason. Like this person is my fucking boss. And they're treating me like shit. And. If I assert myself myself I lose my job

right that's very different too I'm not tied to this person in any way they're mistreating me they're not being nice to me I actually can get the fuck out I actually can stand up for myself I actually have full control over my own behavior and emotions and I'm the one handing all this power over to them that's me I'm handing all my power over to this person that's what I'm talking about for us to have the emotional awareness to recognize when we're doing that because that, we don't need that at all. And it's very empowering then to recognise, is that a situation in your life right now? Are you blaming another person for something that hasn't gone right for you? And when you honestly assess that situation, you're able to go, I don't have to do this at all.

This isn't their fault. I need to accept responsibility for my own emotions and actions how fucking liberating because I tell you what spending the whole day furious and thinking

that another person is controlling how I behave right now that's a living fucking hell so it's quite nice to be able to say ah they actually don't have any power over me I've handled them all that how liberating how free it feels

to acknowledge this I'm going to simplify it even further let's just say you're very insecure about your nose, okay? You're insecure about your nose. You don't like your nose. You worry about it a lot. It's something you would like to change in your appearance.

You overestimate whether people are looking at your nose all the time or you think that other people have opinions about your nose all the time. Or you think that other people have opinions about your nose all the time. You have an issue with your nose. And you are sensitive around it. So you're at a party. And someone just makes a comment about your nose. They think it's a little joke. The context and intent of the comment about your nose

are simply a comment about noses. Maybe it's not even directed at you, a comment about noses. Okay? But the context and intent of this person's behaviour was not to hurt you or to be mean. But, because you're very sensitive around your nose. You are deeply. Deeply hurt.

And embarrassed by this person's comment. And. Maybe you attack them for it. Or you run out of the room crying. Go into the bathroom. When your friend has to come in and talk to you about it. And you're bawling crying. About what that person said

about your fucking nose and the other person who made the comment is now inside in the fucking living room utterly mortified at the scale of pain and upset that has resulted from their nose comment here's the thing

if that person if the context and intent of that person's comment right if the context and intent of that person's comment wasn't to try and hurt you about your nose or if they weren't aware of the scale of how insecure you were about your nose. You have to accept

responsibility for the scale of your emotional response, okay? If it was a bit of a shitty comment, yes, it's okay to express to that person, I didn't appreciate that comment, maybe don't comment about my nose. Maybe don't judge anyone about their noses. But. That person may not have been aware. Of how sensitive. You were around your own nose.

So therefore. It's not fair. To. Blame them. For the scale of how you feel and ask them to accept responsibility for the huge upset that's been caused. How upset you got

was because of choices that you made, how you reacted to a comment. Now, your reaction is based on your own insecurities, all of this stuff but ultimately the scale of the reaction that's your response those are choices that you made so those emotions are yours to try and take ownership of and try and take responsibility for but if you try and hand that over to the other person to give them that control and power ultimately what you do you disempower yourself if you blame that person for how you feel

you disempower yourself and it places you further away from self-acceptance around your nose or getting over your perception of your nose because you place all the power into other people because here's the proof there's two ways to react to the comment there's the rational flexible way which was that nose comment was a little bit insensitive but i don't think they don't seem to know how insecure I am about my nose so even though it was insensitive I don't think they meant it to really really hurt me and I think if they were aware of how sensitive I was about my nose they probably wouldn't have made that comment now in that situation you're still allowed to disapprove of that person's behavior you're still

allowed to not be okay with the statement but you're not experienced this huge swell of pain and then option b is that person made a comment about my nose. That was horrendous. They definitely did that to hurt me. They've been looking at my nose all night. Everyone is looking at my nose. Why is my nose so horrible? I feel fucking terrible.

I hate that person. How dare they say that to me? Why would they hurt me so much? The activating event is the same but the reaction a and b are two very different reactions and you can accept responsibility over how you react and when you choose option b which is the extreme hurt when When you choose that, extreme hurt and blame, you actually disempower yourself. You give the power away.

You don't accept responsibility for your feelings. You create issues at the party, because now it's a huge thing, and you move further and further away from a place of self-acceptance you choose option A you're not experiencing this massive amount of hurt because you're not experiencing this huge

pain and hurt and anger you're now able to respond flexibly in the moment the idea of asserting yourself because if the person did make a comment that was a bit shitty, but they didn't really mean to fucking hurt you, if you're calm and flexible around it, you can now assertively say to the person, don't say that about my nose, don't say that about noses.

Why don't you just not make commentary about people's bodies? You see, you can't go there if you're emotionally hijacked. Why don't you just not make commentary about people's bodies? You see, you can't go there if you're emotionally hijacked. If you've handed the power over and you're swelled with emotion, you can't assert yourself because to assert yourself carries with it the threat of explosive anger or explosive crying. You turn into Ronnie Pickering in the car. But when you react flexibly and rationally and view the person's context and intent,

then you can actually meet your needs. And your needs are, that was offensive, I didn't like that. Can you stop? You've set up a boundary and then also you've protected your own emotional boundary and held on to your power. And also, one thing that's really important when it comes to blame, when you blame another person for how you feel inside, it becomes very difficult to then forgive.

Now, when you don't blame another person for how bad you feel, you can then forgive that person for what they did you can or did or said you can view it in context and move to a place of compassion and forgiveness this person wasn't aware of how sensitive i was about my nose maybe this person made this stupid nose joke because they're nervous in social situations. So they make these silly, edgy jokes. It's not nice, but I think it came from a place of insecurity and social anxiety. That there is compassion and empathy. Now, why is that important?

Why is it important to, why is it of value to forgive internally within you? value to forgive internally within you why is it important for you to forgive and have compassion for someone who may have made a little shitty comment because when you do that you don't blame and you don't carry them around their shitty comment stays at the party and that's it it stays at the party but when you blame them you carry them home with you and you ruin your party and you've handed your power and you don't feel that you have self-esteem you don't feel like you're in control of your own emotional world and then tomorrow you're sitting on the couch gritting your teeth or imagining punching them in the face the next day and they're gone home. They're eating a breakfast roll somewhere and you're fantasizing about beating them up on the couch.

Now this is a difficult point to raise because it sounds like I'm defending people who make comments about people's noses. And it's like, I'm not. I'm not. You can still hold that person accountable for their behaviour. They still should not have made that comment. Their behaviour is still unacceptable. But that unacceptable activating event. We have the agency over how we respond to it. And I'm not saying it's fucking easy i'm like that's i'm not saying it's going to be simple or easy that can take a long time and i'm also not speaking

about someone who's coming from the position of having body dysmorphia or someone who has experienced going through a huge amount of trauma that now is a different situation and a different set of tools are required and that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about if you're a bit insecure about something about yourself all right that's where i'm going with this something whereby moving to a place where you can realistically see yourself making different choices if that looks like a realistic goal for you to have with where you're at right now that's what i'm talking about i don't want to be insensitive to people who where bigger things are at play bigger obstacles are in in place like i have to do this every

fucking day i've been on the internet I've had a presence on the internet for nearly fucking 20 years people are horrible to me every single day on the internet there's some people who really really

try to hurt me and then other people who make insensitive comments that they don't know that I'm reading them or in my situation when someone is perceived

as being a public figure or if someone has like oh they've got a verified tick and they've got a few hundred thousand followers when that happens we tend not to see the person as human like I get caught with that myself sometimes I've seen myself sometimes I'll say I'm really trying to watch myself around this sometimes I'll say something shitty about a celebrity. And it's like, hold on a second, they're a fucking human being. And they could be on the internet and they could read this. And I wouldn't say this about someone who wasn't a celebrity.

Because when I think about big famous celebrities, if I'm not careful, sometimes I don't see them as humans. I interact only with the hyper real icon of who they are. And before you know it, I'm making a, sometimes I don't see them as humans. I interact only with the hyper-real icon of who they are. And before you know it, I'm making a shitty comment about them. So I have to watch that I don't do it. But then I'm also aware that sometimes people do this with me. Because they go, blind boy, he's not a human being. He's a plastic bag that has a lot of followers online and isn't actually a real thing with feelings

so sometimes i have to look at that when i see insensitive comments about me that could potentially be ruin my fucking day so every day i have to do this i have to try and have compassion and understanding for the person making the comment because if I don't and I go down the option of blaming them for the hurt that I feel then I won't have a quality of life I've handed all my power over to people on the internet

who are making little shitty comments whether they're deliberately hugely hurtful to be honest those are the ones that are less hurtful because I can go fuck me that person's got issues, that that person might be a sociopath it's usually the little

flipping comments where the person doesn't know I can see them or read them, they're the ones that I have to put all the work into, they're the ones that I have to really mind myself around, if someone's straight up. Being horrible to me. I can actually kind of go.

Fuck it. That's their problem. This is too extreme. There's no way I can make them that angry. That has nothing to do with me. But the smaller comments. I have to exercise quite a lot of compassion around. So that I don't blame them.

For feeling shitty. I have to work on that. And I'm doing it for me. I'm not doing it for the benefit of the fucking person making a shitty comment. I'm doing it for me. Because if I don't, my life would be fucking non-stop misery. And I say this as well while acknowledging the fact that,

you know, I'm neurotypical. I don't have any extreme trauma that I'm dealing with. I don't have huge issues to overcome that would make this journey prohibitively difficult for me to do. But this is what I try and work on for me. So to finish it up, blaming others for our anger or our heart it interferes with us experiencing true self-worth and genuine empowerment if you excessively blame another person or excessively blame a circumstance, it then causes us to identify as around victimhood. And when you do that, then without knowing it, you start to identify with feelings of helplessness,

powerlessness, blaming other people. When you do it, we're denying ourselves of our autonomy and our agency to make choices and we then diminish our own freedom we experience it as diminished freedom and when I live like that I just feel really fucking angry I feel really angry and I feel like I don't have power over my own emotional world also and To take it to an existential level. When you blame other people. Like.

The idea. That we can take responsibility. For our lives. And for our emotions. That we have this choice. To be responsible. Like. Life is not about what happens.

But about how I choose to respond. To what happens. That can be quite anxiety inducing. The freedom of that. Can be quite scary. So you can turn to the certainty. Of blame. When you blame another person. Yeah it's painful.

But at least you're taking away. The anxiety of freedom. Because you have the certainty of. Sure I can't control anything. Other people are making me feel this way because you have the certainty of sure I can't control anything other people are making me feel this way they have the power and the certainty of that can have a horrifying comfort when you're actively in a loop of blame when you're actively fantasizing about I feel bad because of what this person did my life isn't where I would like it to be because of this relationship I had with this person in the past and you're there's a lot a

lot of energy goes into that if you've ever found yourself in in an angry blaming loop where a large part of your day is consumed with thinking about this person who they did this to me and I feel this way and I'm not here because of them that's a lot of energy and when you do that that's all time that could be used for genuine self-reflection and self-growth fuck all self-reflection and growth happens when you're obsessing about how another person's actions are dictating how your life is and how your life is going to be. Fuck all self-reflection happens there. Because it's a very weak position to feel. You feel powerless and the thought of growth and self-reflection can't occur how can you take ownership of your own emotions and understand your own emotions and have confidence around your own

emotions when you believe that they are being controlled by another human being that's what blame does and then the other thing and this thing, and this is based on research, it's kind of in the Sabrina Brennan territory of neuroscience, I had her on as a guest, but the research shows that if we're in this loop of blame, and blame is something that we used frequently, if I feel this way because of another person, you have made me feel this way

when you do that over and over again your neural pathways in your brain will just make that a go-to reaction so blame creates blame it becomes the easy place where your brain goes to in all types of situations so self-compassion forgiveness, empathy All types of situations. So. Self compassion. Forgiveness.

Empathy. Is the way out. That's the way out of it. And still. And I'm going to reiterate this. Just because you're not blaming another person. For your internal emotions. Doesn't mean that they.

Can't be held accountable for their actions a person can still be behaving unacceptably all right so it doesn't mean letting people off the hook if they're acting the bollocks just means assessing on a case-by-case basis how you react to that person acting the bollocks and whether you want to be stuck in a loop of anger and blame or you're carrying them around with you all the time, even when they're not present, or dealing with the situation assertively in the moment

and meeting your actual needs so that when they're acting the bollocks, it stays there and then in that moment and you go about your fucking day, self-growth, self-compassion, becoming a better person. it stays there and then in that moment and you go about your fucking day self growth self compassion becoming a better person rather than carrying them around like this fucking backpack

you know that's what blame is a person does something shitty to you so you take a clone of them on your back and you carry them around like a heavy backpack while they continually whisper into your ear the shitty thing they did or said over and over again and you can't escape it so assess each situation case by case and ask yourself do i truly have the agency here to make choices around my own emotional world and my reactions alright Yart I hope that was helpful for you

em that was that was enjoyable for me it's a difficult one that's a blame and anger is a difficult subject to broach

because I know people can be very can be very sensitive around it I'll catch you next week I don't know what about go and rub a dog, rub a cat. Enjoy the weather.

While it lasts. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Torontoonto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com. Thank you.