The Blindboy Podcast - Curly Sunshine

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

I answer yere questions. What are the signs of abusive relationship? When is drinking a problem? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, what is the crack? Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. Before I continue this week, I want to give a plug to another artist, not myself. So, there's a musician called Amanda Palmer, and Amanda is a fucking legend. She used to be in a band called the Dresden Dolls, now she does solo stuff. Amanda Palmer wanting to meet up when she came to Ireland to be on this podcast for an interview and unfortunately our schedules don't fucking match up so I can't chat to Amanda which is a sickner because I've been following her for a long time and she's an absolute legend and the thing with Amanda Palmer and why I'd love to chat to her so much so much of what she like she's not just a musician she she's also a public speaker but specifically what amanda has been speaking about for a long time is

like she's one of the first artists to truly come out and talk about the the new model of how to fund musicians and artists. I speak about it a lot, you know. I'll often mention that as a musician today, unless you're massive, you're not earning money through the traditional ways before, like streaming or buying music. So in order to support independent artists now, you really need to be involved in crowdfunding now this is kind of normal you know we've got patreon we've got gofundme things like that now

it's it's no longer strange or seen as strange for an artist to say will you crowdfund my next project because i'm not earning money amanda was talking about this 2011 2012 earlier when nobody was talking about it Amanda was talking about this when there was a kind of a climate of shame around it do you know there was quite a climate of an artist was expected to portray success even like financial success even when that success wasn't happening and amanda was one of the first people to come out and she was doing ted talks saying here's the deal this is how the music industry works um the thing too with amanda's her career she'd be like it's something i've mentioned before artists real outsider artists in the 70s who are absolute legends so like i don't know fucking tom waits kate bush frank z, artists that were deliberately going against the grain of what was popular

and consistently taking creative risks to do weird, disturbing stuff. These artists, I don't think, would be able to survive or exist today. But back then, they were able to live quite comfortably and earn a living from their music and do quite well from it. Today, these artists can't exist because they were making money from selling albums. Like, just selling albums was enough to keep them going. That's gone now. So, Amanda is one of these artists who consistently, like, just wants to do weird creative things. And she gave a talk, was it a talk or a blog recently,

speaking about why the shit that she's doing creatively at the moment with her music, if she was with a label, like a big label, if she went to the label and said, this is what I'd like to do for the next album, the label would turn around with the business model and say that sounds great but you can't do that so we need you to do this we need you to stay within the constraints of what we know people want to hear and people want to sell and this is the only way we will put your music out and what that does across the board is it stifles music and creativity because the pot

of money is smaller you see than it used to be so therefore people don't take risks so amanda reason was explaining about why she needs to maintain completely independent and to be funded by crowd support by her fans essentially in order for her to make the best art that she needs to make so that's why I'm giving a little plug for Amanda this week because she also has a book it's like a biography but it also speaks about her advocacy for crowdfunding and the musical model it's called The Art of Asking

if you want to read a good book by Amanda Palmer so I want to give her a little plug because she absolutely deserves it she's a legend and this is this is the important thing to do also not only uh crowd support of artists but other artists elevating and supporting other artists so you have this community based thing that can operate outside of record labels and then hopefully everyone will be grand so Amanda's gigging in Ireland this week

if you're interested in going to her shows October 23rd she's going to be in the Opera House in Cork, lovely venue I was there last week 24th up in Dublin in the National Concert Hall 26th of October she's in Ulster Hall in Belfast and then on the 27th of October she's in Limerick in the University Concert Hall and

unfortunately I can't I fucking my schedule is conflicting so I can't go to the gigs and I can't meet with Amanda to have her on this fucking podcast to chat because I would have loved it, she is someone who really would have been I guess I would have wanted on for a long time, but fuck it, maybe some other time alright, thank you for

thanks for listening to that and check out Amanda Palmer or the Dresden Dolls anyway just a little plug for my own shit 19th of November, 24th of November live podcast in Vicar Street, alright you know how to crack there's a few tickets left for that

okay, so what do I want to talk about this week I had a big giant musical hot take a bit of a roaster but I just I was looking at the research that I had in front of me and looking at where I want

to go with it and I said to myself no this isn't ready I need another few days at this in order to do it justice and so I'm going to leave that off to possibly next week I have a roaster of a hot take about music which it incorporates

like a hundred years of history of music so I want to make and you know how much I fucking love music and the history of it like last week's podcast

and thank you for the feedback for that was about Rococo art and Baroque art but it covered quite a large area of art history

so that requires quite a bit of prep to get my head back into that space so I want to do that properly for next week's podcast we'll say about the musical Hot Take and make sure that I have all my ducks in line so this week what I'm going to do because I haven't done one in a while

and you've been asking like an agony ant slash questions podcast because I put't done one in a while, and you've been asking, like an agony ant slash questions podcast, because I put a call out on Instagram last night saying, look, here's the shtick, anyone have any questions for the podcast, or any agony ant stuff, and I gave people as well the option to DM me under anonymity, and I got some great fucking questions uh so i'd like to go through that this week and i like doing the question answering podcast again because it just democratizes it it democratizes the podcast as such and a lot of the things i've been asked what when i choose like obviously i was asked hundreds of fucking questions so what i do is

when i'm choosing questions. I try and choose questions or problems that I think. Have a universality to them. That aren't bizarrely specific. But something. Something that I think. All of you can relate to. Even if one or two of them are actually very specific. Because.

Especially with mental health. There's certain things that people struggle with with mental health and you can live in this kind of personal hell where you think this is bizarrely specific to you but it's not loads of other people go through it and when you find that out there's this massive weight off your shoulders if you get me so we'll get straight into this boys and girls all right so uh one question i got um was blind by i have recently left an abusive relationship and i'm wondering could you speak about abusive relationships and the warning signs um i mean i'll try and answer based on you know what i know from psychology or what i've you know from listening to friends who've had that experience or just from what i've read um um i mean firstly like you know there's many different types of abuse

there's the emotional and controlling abuse and then there's you know actual physical abuse and imagine like with physical abuse that's fairly black and white if someone's physically hurting you

and breaking your your boundaries then it can be easier to identify oh shit this is abusive but what the the emotional and psychological side of abuse in a relationship and the thing is too here's here's the shtick lads firstly it's it's not just male female it's also i mean i i know lads who are most definitely in abusive relationships with women and and i'm saying that now i don't want it to sound like a fucking not all men comment. The reason I'm drawing attention to it is that we tend to, when we think of abusive relationships, we tend to think of male and female abuse. And I'm just drawing attention to the fact that, yes, there are men who are in abusive relationships.

The reason there's more focus on male and female abuse, and this is what's important, The reason there's more focus on male and female abuse, and this is what's important, and I'm not trying to diminish men who are in abusive relationships from women, but like, statistically, women get killed in abusive relationships. Women are afraid for their lives, and murder happens a lot more and it's very common and so that's why we tend to focus more on male female abuse in relationships but there's also look i mean abuse within same sex relationships abuse you know abuse within any intimate relationship. Also.

It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship. A relationship is any degree. Of. Intimacy that you kind of have with another person. And it doesn't have to be romantic. So. An abusive relationship doesn't have to be. Just. A man. Abusing his girlfriend it can be a girlfriend who has is abusing the man and it can be abuse between best friends that's really common

and people don't i don't see that spoken about as much kind of strange toxic friendships and a lot of the signals and signs are quite kind of similar whether it be a romantic relationship or just simply a friendship um i'd imagine with romantic relationships it can be a bit more intense maybe but there's most certainly abuse of friendships i know people who've spoken to me who needed to get the fuck out of friendships. And what they were describing was control and abuse. I mean. I was a really early red flag. And this is with anything.

A really early fucking red flag with anything. Like early, early. Whether it be the start of a romantic relationship or the start of a close friendship, like, you kind of watch out for how the person speaks about people that they were either previously in a relationship or someone that they were friends with and aren't friends with anymore. a relationship or someone that they were friends with and aren't friends with anymore and often what you find and what just what i notice is they tend to speak about the person it's they speak about the person quite negatively right now maybe the part maybe it was negative

you know maybe maybe the other. That they're speaking about. Did some bad shit. So it's justified. But it tends to be. They drop. It's. It's a tough one. They kind of drop it in.

At times when it's. Not appropriate to the conversation. It's kind of wedged in. My ex was a bitch. Or. i used to be friends with that person but they turned out to be a liar or a sneak i don't trust them or they're trying to engage in gossip about the person like another red flag too is when you're in a close relationship with someone or when you're in a close friendship, you tend to learn intimate secrets about that person. That's the nature of a close trusting relationship is you share shit with that person that you're not going to share with someone else. else so if this new person you meet if they're quite liberal with intimate secrets and details about the person they were previously in a friendship or relationship with that for me

is always a weird and as you get older so like i'm older now so if i'm if i'm chatting to someone and they say something about another person and I get a little tug in my heart that says I shouldn't know this I I this thing this this private thing you just told me about this person that you sprang out of nowhere I shouldn't know this about that person that's really fucking private and I always see that as a bit of a red flag it's because it's how it's framed too it's how it's framed and it's when it's put into conversation so it's always put in, it's waged in

and often it's the intent behind it it's like the person is trying to it's not just complaining or bad talking the other person it's like they're trying to reel you in to a little new personal club

where that other person is an enemy it's a strange little motivation where it's like I'm telling you this personal secret about this other person because I would like to form a bond with you and

the basis of this bond is about this other person being nasty and mean to me and you kind of have a choice in that moment when you're younger it's harder you see because the thing with gossip and bitching about people that that does form human

bonds it's it's a very useful human bond thing when you bitch or gossip about someone but it's a toxic bond and when i was younger and i was more naive and less emotionally intelligent i'd get dragged into it but as you get older then it's like no i don't want any part of that and i tell you why and this is this is a great rule if someone will bitch with you they'll bitch about you that simple so just a great thing for self-esteem stay the fuck out of any of it stay the fuck out of any of it now i'm not talking about if someone comes to you and says i need to tell you about this person because they are abusive that's different that's not bitching that's i i'm i'm trying to protect people by flagging

something that's dodgy about someone and why you should get close to them but if it's just here's some private intimate details about someone because i've fallen out with them things that they once trusted me with but now i'm telling you as a weapon that's a number one red flag about whether a person is if whether if you get into a close either romantic or personal friendship with this person that there might be a risk of them trying to control and abuse you so that for me is always the absolute earliest red flag that you might want to keep certain people at distance i have a lot of people like that in my life for years people who are like friends and who i'll speak with and who I'll meet and I'll say what's the fucking crack

but any further attempt to ingratiate themselves as a friend I kind of keep that distance because I see the flags in how they speak about other people who get close to them and I go no that's not for me I don't want to get that involved. And to go deeper in psychology around it, with, you know, what... What generally causes certain people to be like that, there's many theories. One of them that sticks out, and it's within family systems psychology,

it's called enmeshment, right, now my knowledge on enmeshment is a little bit hazy, because I would have studied this in psychology fucking years ago, but, so enmeshment is, it's when in a family structure, right, there's a kind of a blurring of appropriate boundaries, now there's many different types of blurring. But the most classic one. Is. A blurring between the parent and child relationship. So.

Enmeshment occurs when. The most common one is. It's when a parent. Is best friends with their child. Okay. Now. What I mean by that is like if a

when a parent right okay so a parent is a fucking adult a child is not an adult there's complexities in adult life to do with emotions or sex or intimacy there's a complexity to adult life that children are not ready for children don't have the experience for the complexities of adult adult life and that their brains aren't developed enough so sometimes certain parents can

kind of almost use their child as an emotional crutch it's like if you're feeling depressed or if you're having let's you know if you're a single parent and you're having relationship issues shit that you kind of should be confiding and divulging to another adult for emotional support some parents can do this with their children and they're offloading onto their children deeply complex personal emotional issues onto to the child but the child isn't actually emotionally or intellectually ready for it and what happens there is is a blurring of boundaries the little child looks up to the parent it's the classic look we've all seen our fucking parents crying when you're a little small child and you see your parent crying, it's fucking terrifying. Because it's like, oh shit, I thought crying was the thing I'm supposed to do.

I thought I'm supposed to be the one that cries but you're the adult adults don't cry what's that about and it's very frightening and complex to see a parent crying and like on the one hand like there's obviously a healthy way to express tears and shit around children i'm not saying shelter children from tears but some parents will and it's it's a measurement it's it's it's something that's used within psychology right to understand and describe family dysfunction it's not a healthy thing when a measurement occurs it's unhealthy so it's when a parent is over sharing with a child whether this it's unhealthy so it's when a parent is oversharing with a child whether this be about relationships whether it be about their mental health whether

it be about sex and the child becomes a best fucking friend when really what the parent needs is all this shit you're getting off your fucking chest you need an adult for this okay now maybe the parent doesn't have it maybe they have a spouse who's completely emotionally unavailable or who's always fighting with them um another classic of enmeshment is uh parents fighting and wanting the child to take sides um expecting what it what it results in is when the child then doesn't have clear boundaries it's like yesterday you fucking made my cocoa pops

and got me dressed and then today you're bawling crying about your relationship with my ma or da you're bawling crying about your relationship with my ma or da falling apart and this is too much and it's really frightening and what enmeshment can cause is it's issues with identity and self esteem in the person

also it like the enmeshed child the child that's experiencing enmeshment from a parent or from an older sibling even they have difficulty forming a strong sense of

self identity and self esteem because their sense of self is blurred from the start today I'm a child. Tomorrow I'm an adult. But I'm not ready to be. I don't know what you want from me.

Ma or da. I don't know what the fuck this is. And that's heavy as fuck for a child. Because the child is developing. The child is forming their personality. So. A lot of. Like those red flags I mentioned before, it can sometimes, but not always, I'll never be black and white about something, but sometimes its roots can

be from a person who experienced enmeshment as a child, and the thing is too, with enmeshment is, it can kind of go two ways, right, so, the adult, who was around enmeshment, as a child, this inevitably affects their,

relationships as an adult, again, whether it be intimate, romantic relationships, or simply, just close friendships, because I don't really, differentiate the two, it can cause the person to be standoffish, it can result in an all or nothing thing, which is either

like standoffish and a lack of intimacy, or extreme intimacy and the utter and absolute desire to give 100% to yourself to another person and to expect that from the other person but ultimately a blurring of boundaries. The enmeshed person in an adult relationship can have difficulty with a sense of autonomy within a relationship which is really important. A relationship is composed of two people there's elements of a relationship intimate or friendship whereby two people become one and that's the joy of fucking relationships that's the joy of it it's becoming one with another person and you have this lovely communal fucking feeling that shoots off endorphins in the brain

and that's fantastic and that's the dragon that we as humans chase when we're looking for connections with other humans but you at the same time have to be able to maintain a degree of autonomy within that where you're able to walk away and still be you within a relationship and to have a solid sense of self and to be allowed and capable to have space within a relationship and to have a solid sense of self and to be allowed and capable to have space within a relationship people who had a mesh childhoods can have difficulty around those boundaries and it can result then in dysfunctional behavior in relationships and this is what i was saying when the person is like talking about their ex-best friend or their ex-girlfriend or their ex-boyfriend and it's like the shit that they're telling you it's like you're telling me really fucking intimate secrets about

this person that are making me feel uncomfortable I shouldn't fucking be hearing this I shouldn't know about it and this person told you this in confidence that there i think that's a real flag of enmeshment but also it's a very early flag of abuse the other thing too with enmeshment is some people can go the other route and people who experience the enmes meshment as children are the ones who end up in abusive and controlling relationships. Because their relationship with a parent was essentially one of emotional abuse. If you're an adult parent and you're offloading your complex personal shit on a child. And you're offloading your complex personal shit on a child.

That's. It's in the ballpark of abuse. It really fucking is. When you step back from it it's in the fucking ballpark of abuse. Because the child experiences it as such. And it's very controlling. And it doesn't allow the child autonomy to be a fucking child children don't have to deal with adult shit you have to figure out a way to prepare a child for the complexities of adult life

but it must occur in their language and their frame of reference not in an adult frame of reference that's inappropriate so you can find some people who experience the measurement and they actually end up unconsciously finding themselves attracted to abusive relationships because they're in their deep unconscious trying to find a parent trying to find parental love within dysfunction almost like when i speak about transaction analysis finding either a romantic partner or a best friend and reliving dysfunction and patterns and what you're ultimately doing is trying to get your brain back to when you were three and your father or mother was offloading a bunch of shit on you or controlling you so like i'm not sure where i was going with that but i was trying to provide some context for

certain degrees of abuse and and like i said i'm by no means being global or black and white with that statement that's just one specific kind and I'm not an expert in this field by any fucking means I just know a little bit another big red flag and I'm steering clear of the obvious ones right but I'm talking about the more covert ones

that are harder to identify and understand and if you don't flag them before you know it you're in an abusive relationship being around the person right, again either romantic or friendship and you end up

finding with this particular person it starts with an intense desire for their approval and when they approve of you and they give you a pat on the head or they laugh at your joke or do something you feel fucking great but it's accompanied by an uneasy feeling a feeling of not being relaxed a feeling of it can morph into like yeah you have to compare and contrast with relationships you have with other people so if you feel relaxed around other people and your friendships with other people you can kind of take or leave or you're not overly worried.

About what you say around them. Or what they think of you. But if there's one particular person. And. You kind of feel. Like you're walking on eggshells. And their approval. Means an awful lot.

And their disapproval. Means an awful lot. That often means. That that person. Whether they're aware of it or not. Is quite skillfully. Drawing and dragging you into. A relationship that's quite one sided.

And based on control. And. Eventually abuse. Do you know what I mean? I mean does the person often what's accompanied as well with these type of people with people who have a tendency to

control and abuse they can be quite arbitrary in their approval and disapproval like you could arrange to meet for a fucking coffee and you turn up and they're just in a shit mood for no fucking reason but you're at the receiving end of it so it's not a shit mood in terms of like it's okay to be in a shit mood it's okay to arrange for a coffee with your friend or your partner and you arrive and they're upset that's okay but if they're upset is a kind of a silent anger, right, that leaves you feeling, what have I done?

But there's no actual rational reason. So then you start thinking yourself, what have I done to make this person so upset? And then before you know it, you are now behaving like a little puppy a little lapdog because you ultimately just want to do whatever it takes to make this person's angry mood go away so that you're good again these are all real early signs of controlling and abusive relationships and the problem is it's so easy to get fucking sucked into it it's so fucking easy it happens to a lot of people it's so fucking simple and you have to have a lot of self-worth and self-esteem to be able to walk away from them like thinking back now that i realize especially in my late

teens and early 20s when i had my mental health issues I'm now realising I did have a few friendships like that never relationships but friendships like that where these things are kind of making sense to me and it takes a lot a lot of confidence

and self esteem to go I don't want to be around that person fuck am I doing that for I could be I could be throwing fucking bread at swans and instead I'm in a coffee shop standing across from someone who's

not only who's upset, which is their entitlement, but their upsetness is manifesting itself as a silent anger that I'm blaming myself over. Fuck do I want to be around that person for? Do know what i mean but it takes a lot of maturity and self-esteem and understanding your own self-worth and understanding the value of your own time to be able to confidently walk away from that but if you're insecure or you have self-doubt and when you're insecure and your self-esteem is low. And you feel like a piece of shit.

Right? Because let's be honest. No one has mental health fucking issues if there's not also other self-esteem issues. So when your self-esteem is low. You feel like a piece of shit. Okay? Your own self-talk and the inside of your mind is that I am un-fucking-worthy and

everyone on the outside can see how shit I am so therefore I have to put this extra layer of effort in with everybody so that I can get their approval which is, oh god it's such a fucking, it's a tough way to live

it's a tough way to fucking live and it takes a lot of work to get out of it but when you live that way and when that's your lived experience of having low self-esteem these relationships and friendships can drag you in you know

another covert sign that i would say too and this develops more into the friendship in the relationship is so you're spending time with this person yes they're your friend yes you're telling yourself they're class and I love being around them. Isn't this brilliant? But you have this general feeling of fear and walking on eggshells, right? That will eventually turn into a slow hum of internal anger in yourself, right? So here's another thing. So with your partner, romantic partner or best friend, okay? And this could happen after a couple of years after a couple of months when you're on your own do you ever get do you ever fucking grit your teeth in furious fucking anger and fantasize about screaming into their face or hitting them? Do you replay in your head loads and loads and loads

fantasy arguments that you'd like to have with this person about what you'd actually like to say to them? Or do you want to pull them up on that shitty little comment that they so expertly passed in last week that was so shocking that you weren't able to flag it in the moment so you just left it within yourself as this little horrible sting that made you feel like shit do you spend private time fucking furious with a person who's supposed to be your friend and cared about you like a lot of time that's an internal sign sometimes that you're in

a dysfunctional fucking a dysfunctional friendship or relationship where you may be being controlled or abused it's it's very much a sign does the thought of like does the thought of standing up to this person or does the thought of saying to this person we need to speak because there's a load of shit you've said and done recently and I need to air this out and I need to speak with this

about you with you does the thought of that sound terrifying right and the interesting thing with that the the terror around that is is it's it's it's like you let the the anger build up so much that you'd be afraid to confront this person because you don't know how to express the it's it's like a fear that you'll explode like a fucking volcano and end up smashing shit up in a fucking cafe publicly because you've secretly like abusive relationships will really fuck with your self-esteem as well

abusive and controlling relationships because even if you have low self-esteem we all still have that fucking intrinsic value thing we all deep deep down in all of us we all know even though you have to fucking pull away the mud and dirt to be able to see it all of us know that we have this intrinsic fucking value that means that no one else is actually better than us even though they might have cool clothes or a better job we all know real deep down we're all the fucking same self-esteem issues will get on top of that and it'll confuse you but deep down we know this and that's what informs the anger and injustice when you're being controlled or abused emotionally and

psychologically so there are other red flags if if you spend a lot of time fantasizing about arguments and wanting to really say to this person, you know, wanting to flag some shit with them and they're supposed to be a close friend or a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that's, to feel like that,

let's just say it's not the symptom of a fucking healthy, egalitarian relationship, put it that way. Then, like, the more obvious fucking signs lads is in romantic relationships intense jealousy isn't great the other person being intensely jealous and monitoring and fucking controlling your appearance who are you texting

are they fucking robbing your phone out of your hand do they demand to know your passwords and that's a tough one you see and it's a common one with fucking enmeshment anytime I hear people who are in a fucking romantic relationship with each other and they're bragging about sharing their fucking passwords with each other. It just leaves a little weird knot in my belly

because it's framed as we trust each other so much we share each other's fucking passwords with each other. You know behind it, it's not that. It's a deep distrust and control that has been reframed as our love is so great we know each other's fucking bibo passwords like no it's the blurring of boundaries it's if you're to be in a relationship with fucking anyone you got to be autonomous and you got to have trust and people are entitled to have privacy even in a fucking relationship even in a

marriage you're entitled to privacy autonomy and to be you because you've been you since you were fucking born you're born into the world fucking alone you're gonna die alone along the way you're gonna meet friends and partners and if you're lucky enough you'll fucking, you know, get married and have someone who's the closest person to you ever. But ultimately you're you and you've always been you and there's no such thing as 100% meshing and emerging with another person to create this new fucking being with two heads. It doesn't exist. So you have to have a degree

of independence and autonomy within any relationship or friendship and that independence and autonomy shouldn't cause anxiety or fear in the relationship it just fucking shouldn't and if it causes the other person to say no you can't have autonomy you can't have independence i must have access to every single degree of your privacy then that's fucking abuse i mean to take it to the far fucking examples i I can't remember his name, but he was a British TV presenter, and, his girlfriend actually took him to court over it, but,

for years, like, he forced her, not only access to passwords and shit like that, he forced her to write, an intimate diary, every single day, about every single one of her thoughts, and her desires,

and all of this for him to have access to it's like he needed access to her full brain and emotions and unconscious mind as as this way to control and it's always fear-based the fear of being left and it's the person the person who's doing that to the abuser you have to work on your fucking self-esteem you have to work on your self-esteem you have to work on respect for other people and other people's boundaries and if you genuinely fucking can't trust your friend or partner then you have to have the self-esteem to go maybe they're not the right person for me. But if you're being excessively jealous and demanding to break that person's boundaries based on no fucking evidence, that's you. That's 100% you. That's your shit. And now

another person's dealing with it. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Um... first, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's all for you. No, no, don't. The First Omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? It's the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

What's not real? Who said that? The First Omen. only in theaters April 5th excessive criticizing changing how you're fucking dressing going out on a night out having a lovely

fucking night you'd grey crack and you come back in and then the first thing that happens is the other person is saying that thing you said to that person earlier was fucking stupid

you made yourself look like an idiot this like it's hard enough being a human and fucking critiquing yourself like you know when you go out on the fucking lash and the next day you have the fear so you're like oh fuck what did I say to that person last night oh no

did i make a fool of myself like we already as humans have that that's hard enough so when your partner is acting as that on your fucking behalf fuck that the way you spoke to that person it was like you were flirting with them. Or those clothes you wore. Invited the eyes of people. Or when you opened your mouth. Around that person. You were fucking. Sounded stupid.

Fuck that. So those are signs. So that's as far as. I'll get into it right. I mean there's look it up online you'll find loads of women's aid groups

in particular that'll go into the like it's a spiral and a scale and I just I don't want to be going into fucking domestic abuse

the physical side of it I don't want to be going that far because I'm it's not my story to fucking tell and it can be very it can be very triggering for any of you who are listening

who have lived through it and I just don't I don't want to be speaking on something that I don't have personal fucking experience of in case I say something

that's really fucking stupid as a result of my privilege so I would hate to cause emotional harm to one of ye listening by me saying something that's ignorant and uninformed I'd hate to do that and maybe sometime down the line if we did want to explore that with a podcast I'd bring someone on who is. Either working with people in domestic abuse. Or is a survivor of it you know. But it's.

It's not one for me and my hot takes to be honest. What I am comfortable talking with is. Talking about. Early signs. Of abuse in relationships and friendships. Because they're the insidious ones. They're the ones that are hard to fucking spot and for me to start talking about

what's it like when you're actually now being physically abused that's out of my depth but what I will say is like I don't know womensaid.ie has a good good sections on that you know to get a look at that

there's a free helpline for it actually 1-800-341-900 and that's the women's aid helpline okay what else were you asking me

shit 40 minutes and no ocarina pause hold on I've got the gammy ocarina again. Hold on. I've got the gammy ocarina again. Hold on. Better one over here. It has more tones.

Oh, there we go. That was the ocarina pause. There was an advert in there for a lot of bullshit. I don't know what it was. This podcast is supported by you, the listener. The reason I deliver this podcast every fucking week to ye. Alright? Even though some weeks, a little bit too busy for it.

The reason I fucking do this as my job is because ye support me as if this was my job. Ye support me if this is my fucking job so i turn up to work every fucking wednesday because of you and you do this by going to my patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind by podcast and it's the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month if if you listen to me every fucking week and if you're getting enjoyment out of it and you like it and you kind of want to give something back what i'd say to you is you know you're not going to meet me in a coffee shop because i have a fucking bag in my head and i don't want to be meeting people in a coffee shop or in a pub i

like to have a quiet life but in a fantasy universe whereby if you did come across me in a pub or a coffee shop would you say to yourself jesus blind boy i like listening to your podcast can i get you a coffee or can i get you a pint once a month well you can do it digitally via the patreon page and if you can afford it please fucking do because like I said that's my job that's what keeps me going that's what helps me pay my fucking bills

em it's life changing for me so if you can do that please do and if you can't do it you can listen for free it's a model based on soundness

you absolute cunts right what else have we got blind buy you absolute cunts right what else have we got blind bite I am 33 I used to love hip hop growing up Wu-Tang, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem I've heard you mention

that you like today's hip hop trap stuff I think it's utter shite but I really want to like it, what should I do, oh, juicy, juicy, bye, um, yeah, that's, like, I, like, this weird shit happens, where, like, you get into your fucking mid-tws and you stop listening to music do you know and i've always made a point i fucking refuse i refuse to let that happen i love music too fucking much for me to cut off at a point in my life to go that's it i'm done with music and

everything i listened to when i was younger was class, and everything now is shit, I won't allow myself to do it. Because it's not true. It's fucking not true. When people say to you, music was class 10 years ago, music was class 20 years ago, it's easy. The thing is, the cream rises to the fucking top, lads.

So, the shite just disappears. So if you go back to the 90s, or you go back to the 2000s, and you want to search for tunes, all the best stuff, rises to the top, and you end up thinking, wow it was amazing back then,

but go on to Spotify, I do it sometimes, go get a deep dive, deep dive, into some shit from the 2000s, listen to some fucking grunge bands that never made it from 1992 listen to some of Nelly's album tracks

there's always shite but the thing is when you listen to music now you can't you have to really identify the shite from the gold you have to really listen for it so

because it takes hindsight for the gold you have to really listen for it so because it takes hindsight for the cream to rise to the top so in 20 years we'd be able to look back at the music now and the class stuff will have survived and the shite will have just dissipated and you have to really search for it but it's there so to answer your specific question right really quickly there's fucking amazing stuff happening at the moment there is who am I listening to at the moment in rap right now a fella called Comethazine Denzel Curry

incredible stuff but what I would say to you sir if you grew up listening to Wu-Tang Snoop Dogg and you want to listen to trap now today's rap music it's a bit of a leap right and I can appreciate why when you listen to today's rap artists you'd be like what the

fuck is this because it's very very different to the way rap was in the early 2000s and in the 90s it's very different to the point that i often wonder should it be considered a different fucking genre in the way that if you think of the late 80s you know there was kind of disco soul michael jackson princy that that stuff and then all of a sudden around the 90s this new R&B comes around, New Jack Swing, which was a separate genre, I think rap, and what we call like trap, or drill, and shit like that, I think that's happening now, but what I would say to you, there's an album, and it's one of the fucking best albums of the past 10 years in hip-hop,

possibly the best, no, I won't say the best, my favorite of the past decade in hip-hop possibly the best no i won't say the best my favorite of the past decade hip-hop album and this album sonically and consciously perfectly bridges the gap between old school west coast hip-hop and modern trap like it goes the whole purpose of the album sonically is to do this mix the two of them together it's called good kid mad city by kendrick lamar start to finish perfection but sonically it's like one side of it is is old 90s g-funk and then the other side is modern fucking trap bass and it's from 2013 like so it's already fucking six years old okay so it's not necessarily

cutting edge right now but I just think to someone who's in their fucking 30s who used to like hip hop and you want to try and listen to hip hop now listen to that and it will bridge the gap in understanding

so that you can have a set of ears on you that will be able to listen to contemporary rap and trust me a lot of it is fucking amazing there's some incredible rap incredible music across the board happening there's brilliant music happening right now like outside of fucking trap who am I listening to?

my favourite artist at the moment is a fella called Gus Dapperton he's about 19 unbelievable songwriter kind of doing his own thing but also has one foot in like almost prefab sprout weird

80's shit kind of I might be giants or they might be giants scritty palitty this type of shit but also his own thing going on but at the core of it an incredible songwriter if it was just himself and a guitar vocal and voice do the songs work yes they do boom good song that's all you need so like gustaperton that's who i'm listening to at the moment even though he's not hip-hop but yes there's amazing music there's always amazing music happening you just have to look for it and one of my favorite things in the world to do is to go on to spotify or youtube and fucking have a bit of baldy and trudge through the shite up up to my neck in shit, searching

for those lumps of gold and I'll come away with about two of them each night and it's one of the most satisfying fucking feelings in the world, I love it okay blind boy uh where is it now, blind boy

I'm in my late twenties and I feel like i'm wasting my life i have a good job and a happy relationship with my girlfriend but i drink and smoke every night i'm not an alcoholic and i'm functioning well but i do have a problem with drinking why might people do this how do i sort myself out um So, yeah, right there. General rule, okay? If you're asking yourself, you know, around concerns about drinking, or if you're typing into Google,

how do I stop drinking? Or if you're typing into Google, what are the symptoms of alcoholism? The action of inquiry should be a little red flag that there's the beginnings of an issue. Do you get me? And, like what you've described there,

that's something for all of us to watch out for. That's every fucking one of us to have flags around because i like i speak about as you know i fucking love a drink i love taking a drink all right i i do enjoy alcohol but i'm very aware and conscious of my relationship with it and i'm always stressing with you regarding any substance what is your personal relationship with the substance if you're drinking is drink making you angry is it making you upset then drinks not for you okay but some people myself included

drink doesn't make me angry drink doesn't make me upset when i drink and i get a bit drunk it improves my mood and i enjoy it and i have a good time and i treat it as a reward system and i'll keep it to twice a month or once a week and i keep an eye on it and i i you know i use i do use drink aware the website to see what are the healthy amount of units and things like that because i want to be conscious of of just my physical health too so I'm comfortable with say with my own drinking but what you've described there like it's something we have to all be very very cautious about because alcoholism is a slow slippery slope and like you know if you're saying like you've got a you're happy you're happy in your if you're saying

like you're happy in your job, you're in a happy relationship with your girlfriend but yet you're drinking and smoking every night I mean it's one to I can't tell you what your own personal reasons are I mean okay for myself personally what have i started doing so i i the first thing you

can do there first thing don't have drink in the house that's the number one thing there don't have drink in the house i've stopped having drink in my gaff, okay, I will not have, and I started this about two months ago, three months ago, I won't have cans lying around in my house, I won't have it, in the same way that, you know, if I'm exercising and I'm trying to keep an eye on my weight, like, I know that if you're exercising going to the gym and and fucking running and you're trying to stay fit and healthy and flexible as i try and do if you have a lot of biscuits and kit kats around the gaff and and crisps you're fucked right so i simply don't buy crisps and kit kats and biscuits they're just not in my gaff, they don't exist, and if I really

want a Snickers, really want one, I have to go, well I have to go to the shop now to buy a Snickers, which is a journey with purpose, and I have to get up on my fucking bicycle, and more often than not I go, I don't really need the Snickers, but if it was in the cupboard I'd be eating that fucking Snickers so I do the same thing with drink I don't have drink in my house if I and I tell you how I arrived at this I found myself drinking out of boredom there was a few bottles of wine around the place there was a few cans around the place and I found myself drinking out of boredom. Where it got to nine o'clock at night. And usually the podcast would be done. And I'd have this sense of I need to reward myself somehow. And instead of having a cup of tea and finding a decent YouTube video.

Or playing a video game and relaxing that way. I was like nah fuck it. I'll have a few rips out of the bong and a few cans. And listen to a lot of tunes even though it's Wednesday and I'd do it but it didn't feel the same

and then I realised fuck it I was drinking there just because I was bored and I identified that as being toxic I don't want that if I'm to have fucking cans and a smoke it's I'm kind of planning it it's like this Saturday now I'm gonna get I'm gonna make myself a lovely dinner I'm gonna have this amount of cans I'm gonna have a bit of baldy I know what music I'm gonna listen to I have it

planned as a little event that I want to do and and I give meaning to it and it's enjoyable but when it's just like I'm fucking bored I'll have a bottle of wine no that's no crack so I stopped stopped having it in the house that that was the number one thing I did and that's what I would suggest that you try okay don't buy cans or wine or have it in the gaff and it's not that hard to not buy it depends what your relationship is with weed if you're smoking weed every night that's not that hard to not buy. It depends what your relationship is with weed. If you're smoking weed every night. That's not good. Right. And I guarantee you it's not even fun.

Like the whole. If you have a healthy relationship with drink or weed. The reason you do it. Is that it's an enhancement. It's a treat. It's enjoyable. It's fun. You know.

If you do it loads. It stops being fucking fun. So what's the point? So stop buying fucking weed. Or. If it's with fucking weed. I don't know. Leave it with a friend.

Have your little fucking bag of weed. And leave it with a friend. Or. Hide it in the bow of a tree somewhere in a bag in a jar and know that because i can't really say they don't have weed in the house because it's harder to get with cans it's like don't have cans in the house and if you fucking really want the can then you have to get off your hole and go to the shop right now if you do that and the desire for a can is so much that you're willing to get off your hole and

go to the shop every single night that's not great with weed put it into a jar and bury it somewhere that takes a bit of effort to go there so remove it from your life firstly investigate the reasons why you're doing it are you doing it out of boredom are you self-medicating for anxiety or depression because that's a common enough one you want to fucking keep an eye on that is is your are you self-medicating for existential anxiety are you self-medicating for a lack a sense of meaninglessness in your life okay and then finally because again i don't know how honest you're being with me with this question. I don't know.

But for anyone who's worried about drink or substances, people don't, like, organizations like AA and NA, okay? Now, I know some people are going to be critical of the models that these fucking things use. And to an extent sometimes I am. Like I'm not crazy about when you go to AA the higher power business. Because I don't really have a higher power as such. But one thing I can fucking tell you is I know a lot of people. Okay. Who were.

Whose lives were consumed by addiction. whether it be drink or drugs and aa is what keeps them sober and happy and are new people and and the thing about aa is an na like the mental health services in this country are quite poor. It's hard to access mental health services. But with addiction, it's not that hard to find an AA meeting or an NA meeting. I mean, there's about three a week. In a city like Limerick or Cork, you'll probably find an AA meeting every single day, sometimes twice a day. You know? So don't feel shame around, we tend to think of AA because of how it's portrayed in the media as somewhere you go to, if you're literally in the

gutter with drink and ready to die, no, it is, you know, some people, they've reached rock bottom to go there and they tend to say the people who've reached rock bottom only then are they ready to conquer their addiction but if if like you're asking me there you know you're concerned about your drinking if you can do that thing where it's like stop buying drink stop buying weed don't have it in the house and see how you get on if you can manage it that way then fair fucking play to you you know replace it with a bit of meditation replace it with exercise see how you get on if that becomes impossible then right then you're you're facing addiction issues okay I can happily not have cans in my house and if if tonight we'll say I feel bored and I go fuck it I'd love a can I'm not getting onto my bicycle and going to the fucking shop

to get cans it's not happening it's not happening I'm just gonna say no i can't be fucking arsed that much i'll crack open the xbox and within two minutes i've forgotten that i kind of wanted a can but if the cans were there then i'm drinking do you get me have a go at that but if you can't do that then you might have an addiction issue and there's many different ways you can go about it if you have the if you have the money you can seek out therapy right if you have the money for it but if you don't have the fucking money don't feel ashamed to rock on up to an aam meeting and to go in there and to say this is where i'm at and i want to be a part of a community and i want to listen to people and i want to talk and i want help don't be fucking ashamed to do that

because it's a common thing obviously people will say this to me a lot I'm concerned about my fucking drinking and when you say AA to people they go oh no no no I'm not that bad I'm not that bad but it's like alright are you going to wait

another five years until you are and then you've damaged your body physically your fucking liver and shit like that no fuck that reduce shame around addiction there is no fucking shame go to aa go to na two seconds into google you'll find a meeting within the next two days in your locality rock on up no one has to know your fucking name you don't even have to speak the first time you're there if you don't want to just listen and give it a go all right if you're worried that's all i can say all right i'm gonna leave you go because that was 66 minutes i only answered three questions i thought i'd answer a lot more hope you found that helpful i'll be back

next week with a musical hot take. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com