The Blindboy Podcast - Glenroe Speedball

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

It's the 100 episode. The origins of the song spastic hawk, which culminates in a murder mystery. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yart Insert your tongue into one of the bowling balls holes you gullible cunnels take a selfie get into a time machine go back to 2007 upload the photo onto myspace

what's the crack welcome to the blind buy podcast it's a special podcast I'll tell you why in a minute after we do a small bit of housekeeping by which I mean a slight list of gigs for September that I am contractually obligated to mention on the podcast

here we go this Friday the 6th of September Mote Theatre in Naas Friday the 13th of September, Mote Theatre in Naoise. Friday the 13th of September, the Crescent Hall in Drogheda. Or, as I met an old yank once in Dublin, and he had sharp coloured carter eyes, and he referred to Drogheda as Drogheda. So yes, on Friday the 13th, I am in the Crescent Hall, Droheda,

Saturday the 14th of September. The Theatre Isle in Waterford, where I'm going to be interviewing the boys from Waterford Whispers Nose, that'll be good, Craig. Wednesday the 18th of September, West Cork. I'm in Clannachilty at a guitar festival a fucking guitar festival so I'm assuming I have to talk about guitars or talk to someone who knows about guitars that'll be fun

it will be good crack though I do enjoy guitars I've got four of them behind me now Thursday the 19th of September oh there are two sold out gigs in London yeah fuck that Saturday the 28th of September, oh there are two sold out gigs in London, yeah fuck that, eh, Saturday the 28th of September, the INEC, hotel bathroom, hotel ballroom, Killarney, Saturday the 28th

of September, the hotel ballroom in Killarney, INEC, where I haven't gotten confirmation yet, but who I want to interview, I haven't even contacted him to be honest because I'm a lazy bollocks I want to interview an old Irish rave band called the Fourth Dimension who are from Killarney I believe so there's the gigs, there you go

there you go lads a ballroom of a hotel my dad used to have this this joke he used to make about underpants, what he'd say, what was it, my underpants are like a shit hotel, there's no ballroom, yart, alright there's the gigs, that's out of the way, I did that in under three minutes, there you go, so how are ye? What's the crack? Hello to my international listeners.

60% of the listenership of this podcast is now outside of Ireland, quite bizarrely. So it's no longer a podcast that's just listened to by Irish people. It's a mostly international audience, which is fucking odd, very strange to say the least, I mean fair play to you, thank you very much, tell a friend, very important, tell a friend, help grow the podcast in other countries, but look, I try not to sit back, I try not to sit back and think, what the fuck does someone from Greece want to listen to this podcast for? I try not to think about that. But I hope you're all well anyway.

It's a special podcast this week. I'll tell you any minute. I was at Electric Picnic there at the weekend. I was doing gigs in Electric Picnic. Electric Picnic is a very large music festival in Ireland. And I was doing the podcast stage. Did a couple of gigs there. Decent crack.

It was my 10th year, I realised, gigging at Electric Picnic. First ever gig. I did at Electric Picnic. It was a Rubber Bandits gig 10 years ago and we played it was the first time we got a fucking huge audience do you know

we played in a tent called the Little Big Tent and it was fully fucking packed not only in the tent but like for a good distance around it and at that was our first festival gig and we were like the act that everyone wanted to see because

it's like these two lads out of limerick were making tunes with bags in their heads 2009 like and yeah that was my 10th year at the festival i was thinking back to jesus it was a mad gig we had uh what did we have we we had in the 10 years ago we had our dj dj willie our dj was dressed up in a balaclava like he was in the and a tricolor so like he was in the ira for the whole gig we We had four. Topless male dancers. Who were dressed up as the IRA. And they had drums. We had. A troupe of female dancers.

Who had rubber horses heads. Then. The highlight of the show. The main piece of the show. We had a song called Gardie. I think it was. And we had this. We had one of our friends dress up as a giant block of hash and then another one of our friends dressed up as a guard and for like five minutes the guard just chased this giant block of hash around the stage and that was our show 2009 didn't even know what we were doing just like oh fuck

we're gigging electric picnic shit what are we gonna do and that's what happened so 10 years holy moly but the thing with festivals and there's one thing i don't enjoy about festivals no not not even festivals there's one thing i don't enjoy about electric picnic specifically because like i said this is something i've done every year for the past 10 years electric picnic takes place usually in late august or very early september okay and this is when there's a lot of wasps flying around. An awful lot of wasps. And they're wasps that are in that cunty mood.

Now I don't know... There's many theories as to why wasps are absolute cunts or pricks in early September. The theory that I subscribe to is that wasps are eating fruit. Because the fruit comes out in september and when they eat the fruit they go mad off the alcohol of it actually no that's late september shit isn't it yeah around late september early august no what comes after september october late september early october when fruit is beginning to ripe on the trees like apples and strawberries. Apparently the last of the wasps eat this fruit

but because it's decaying it contains minute amounts of alcohol and the wasps get aggressive from drinking this and then they go on a stinging frenzy. That's what I've heard but wasps are dickheads in september right we know this from i don't have to tell you this this is an experiential thing that wasps are

not saying they're stingy they just they're very involved they're very interested in you in early september they're particularly interested in if ever i'm around a girl and she's wearing strong perfume i'm like i'm not standing beside her because it would bring on the wasps they love the aroma and bouquet of perfume but what they also love is and this is where electric picnic comes in. If you're drinking a can of beer or cider, right, or wine, the fucking wasps are very interested in that because it contains sugar. And they're mad for sugar. Now, what I also heard as well is that, I think, I don't know if this is bees or wasps, but at this time of year, male bees and wasps leave the hive and this is when they have

to have sex with queens so or potential queens so what happens is their only purpose is to just have frantic sex with as many female wasps as they can find so as a result they're in this heightened kind of energetic state where they're forever seeking uh some source of sugar and this is why they'll chase after you right that's what i heard as well i don't know i'm talking out of my hole i know nothing about wasps this is folk knowledge that i heard in pubs but anyway so i'm at picnic and this is the same thing for the last 10 years i'm like fucking great lovely festival shit there's wasps uh bothering my my can right flying around me and i don't like this i don't like because i don't want to get stung but here's the extra thing for me and this is one of my

greatest fears i i wear a plastic bag on my head So I'm there backstage at the festival with a plastic bag on my head. And the wasp, the thing is, when you wear a plastic bag in your head, when you drink a can of beer or have a sip of wine or whatever, residue from the alcohol, it sticks around the lip area of my bag. Now, with a traditional human face if you get lip or drink around your lips you just lick it off and it's gone but when you wear a bag over your head you can't sufficiently sequester the alcoholic residue that accumulates around the lip area so some of it just stays there so you end up by the end of the day with almost like a sugary

crystalline coating of evaporated alcohol around your lips and the fucking wasps love this they go apeshit for this so my situation at electric picnic festival always every year to the point that i nearly cancel each year but i don't is I've got all these fucking wasps severely interested in my fucking mouth trying to get at the alcohol that's around my plastic bag lips so that's

not pleasant now let's take it to the next level this is the big fear and every year since I've been doing electric picnic this is my number one worst case scenario that the wasp gets interested in the alcohol that's residual around my plastic bag lips right but the thing is with my plastic bag it's not entirely taught right it's it goes on my head but there's there's space between the bag and my actual human head right there's a little bit of space my fear for years was what if and what if

a wasp who's interested in my lip goes in my mouth hole of my bag and then finds himself stuck between my face and my bag which means i have a trapped wasp in my head right now the only thing that wasp can do is sting because he or she is going to get stuck in between my face and the bag they will get anxious because they can't escape and just immediately assume that my head is the cause of the problem and then just start stinging my face while they're trapped in a bag now that that the idea of that is hell right and this has been my fear for the past 10 festivals well let me tell you ladies and gentlemen that's precisely what fucking happened to me at electric picnic this year it happened and it's something i thought about a lot and i prepared for a lot you know it's it's like that

simpsons episode where they have the peanut factory and an elephant comes towards the peanut factory and her man comes out and says I've told you this day could happen we've prepared for this you didn't listen to me we should have done the elephant drills at the peanut factory but you didn't listen the elephant then comes in that's what happened to me I thought many times about Jesus what would I do if if the wasp flew into my bag? Like, I can't rip the bag off on stage. That goes against my whole brand. That's not happening.

So I thought of many different ways to kind of shake my head or whatever. So on Saturday, I'm there. I'm chatting to one or two people. The wasps are being cunty, they're bothering everyone's drinks, but they're bothering my face, I'm kind of swatting away, doing my thing, still maintaining conversation,

and then the prick fucking goes into my mouth hole, and I, just for a split second, I can feel the resistance of this wasp, buzzing, in my cheek, he'd, now this all happened i'd say less than a second right but when something as terrifying as that happens and especially something i thought about happens um it happened it occurs in a longer moment of time that that

split second felt like a minute so the wasp starts to buzz like like that between my bag and my face i immediately run away from the conversation obviously towards the portaloos and i ran into the portaloos and i just like you can't think no matter how many thinking i'd done about this thing no matter how many years of preparation i had done you know it's like this thing this worst thing that you about electric picnic that you didn't think was going to happen is now happening it's happening right now and no preparation doesn't matter in that moment so I I boxed myself into the face like a proper not a decent punch there was no knuckles but i clenched my fist not thinking just as a reaction and walloped myself into the mouth instantly crushing the wasp um and it didn't sting

me i managed to save myself and then i went into the port-a-loo and just shook the wasp out of my bag and it had almost severed the area between his arse and his abdomen so luckily I'd managed to just boom in one go smash that wasp with my fist and letter myself into the face in the process but I don't think it mattered with the adrenaline it's still a bit sore now but you know when you get a slap and like you're either angry or anxious and the adrenaline is up you don't feel getting a dig until afterwards that basically except I punched myself to kill a wasp and you know I did I felt like a shithead having killed a wasp because you know like I'm the bees have now disappeared and they've left their children in my

the solitary wasp or solitary bee bee house that I was speaking about a few podcasts back so I'm someone who tries to care about insects but

in this moment I just had to make the decision to eliminate the wasp he was what would you call it collateral damage we'll say on my face

yeah I suppose that's what you'd call it collateral damage that's what Barack Obama would call it after the drone strikes a christening in Yemen Trump would just say killed a load of people

bombed them because they were bad guys so that was my electric picnic yeah em the gigs were great crack very good very good live podcast good fun

but alas overshadowed by a wasp between my face and my bag so this is a special podcast and i'll tell you why this lads is the 100th episode of the blind boy podcast somehow i have sat down once a week and just spoken into a microphone off the top of my head

once every week, 100 fucking times. And this podcast started off as just something to promote my fucking book of short stories that I'd released in 2018. I was going to do maybe four or five episodes just as a way to draw attention to my book of short stories that I'd released in 2018, and just, I was going to do maybe four or five episodes just as a way to draw attention to my book of short stories, and then after about four fucking episodes, the podcast had become the most popular podcast in Ireland, and now it has more than one million listeners, and it's worldwide, so this ridiculous accident that yeah i'm now on the

100 episode and it has been in in my i've been doing this since i'm a fucking i've been i've been professionally creative since i'm i was a young teenager so I'm 15 years at the at just being a professional creative and this podcast has been the most rewarding it's just been amazing it's it's been more fun than anything else I've done because it's pure and utter flow it's just coming from my heart and speaking what I want to say in the moment. And putting it out there. Not worrying about editing. And most importantly.

No kind of commissioners. Or people coming in and saying. Will you change that bit? Will you change that bit? Because as I've mentioned before. Like I do a lot of work in television. And the problem with television. Is the artist has a vision in their heart which gets diluted through input by commissioners until the end result is merely a version of what was originally in the heart of the artist.

But with this podcast, it's undiluted, unfiltered, straight from the fucking heart. Rough around the edges, of course but it's like what I always said the podcast is like it's like when a musician just does a gig once a week and

they jam, they're not playing written material, they're not playing produced material they're simply exploring music in the moment and some of it's good, some of it's bad but there's an off-the-cuffness and an honesty to it that you can't get with something that's pre-written if you get me so 100 episodes lads so as a result i'm because i was going fuck me it's the 100 episode what what am i supposed to do I'm, because I was going, fuck me, it's the 100th episode, what am I supposed to do? Ah, bollocks, am I supposed to do some big celebration and shit like that?

That's not my style, like, that's not the type of shit that I enjoy. Like, I have the second book coming out now, and my book company want me to do a launch party, which even for me feels weird, so I am going to do a launch party. Which even for me feels weird. So I am going to do a launch party. But it'll be small and odd. But I don't like. I don't know making a big fuss of things. I prefer to just acknowledge something.

And then move on to the next thing. Rather than make a big fuss of something. So with the 100 episode. I don't want to make a big fuss of it. What I am doing, as a celebratory thing, I, I'm gonna drink wine, and possibly have a small bit of baldy, while recording this episode, I've already drank some of the wine, in case you've noticed, there's a slight slur in my voice, I'm a tiny tipsy but i had a gorgeous bottle of red wine from spain a rioja 2014 uh lovely it's it's gorgeous it's like a very complex complicated ribena it's that type of vibe that you get off of spanish wines

have it at lovely room temperature so I'm going to drink this bottle of wine sip away at it while doing the podcast for ye as a celebration and possibly baldy we'll see what happens so also what I want to do

is because I was thinking and reflecting on, you know, how do I categorize the fucking podcast, and one of the issues I have with this podcast, is people say to me, I don't know how to describe it to people, and some of the most popular podcasts out there,

are, they're always like the murder mystery ones, do you know, like serial, or or fucking that's the only one i know i don't listen to a lot of podcasts to be honest i really don't um but i'm aware that like the serial killer ones i listened to one there recently actually that wasn't bad oh fuck what was it looking through a window or through a window or something it was called it was a podcast about uh a murderer who'd operated in america and used to climb in windows and it had that whole murder

podcast style that suspense you know that people seem to seem to like it's like a roller coaster thing and what i found so incredibly dark about it is like here's this four or five part podcast about a real murderer who used to climb in people's windows and kill them but the podcast was sponsored sponsored by a window security company which i found so fucking absurd do you know it was absurd and hilarious at the same time it's like you know that people are going to listen to this podcast because i know i know people who listen to murder podcasts and they want to have someone in the house with them when they're listening to it they can't listen to it on their own so they have this fucking podcast about a real life murderer who used to climb in people's windows back in the days back

in the 70s when people used to leave their doors unlocked or their windows were easy to open none of this double glazing shit and then a window security company decide oh great people are going to be terrified what a great opportunity to sell some window alarms so that sullied the podcast for me because the you can't take it seriously it's like a politician wearing clown pants you know when there's that level of absurdity in the podcast you can't take it seriously so before we move on

I'll do wine tasting will I? I don't know how to fucking taste wine you know when in a restaurant the waiter comes down to you like in Limerick you know when in a restaurant the waiter comes down to you like in Limerick you've been in a restaurant in Limerick and you order a bottle of wine and the fucking waiter comes down

and offers you the wine to taste as if you're not just going to go yeah it's grand can you imagine as an Irish person like that's almost written in the constitution of Ireland imagine as an Irish person like that almost that that's almost written in the constitution of Ireland like imagine as an Irish person a fucking first off as an Irish person if you're in a restaurant you feel embarrassed ordering the bottle of wine you feel like a dickhead doing it right because it's it goes against the concept of Irishness. It's a little bit too British person trying to be French.

Do you know what I mean? So even ordering the bottle of wine on the menu in a restaurant in Ireland makes you feel like a dickhead. So that's embarrassing enough. Then Conti comes down with the wine and pours a tiny bit into a glass for you and asks you to fucking taste it. Number one, I don't fucking know what a good wine into a glass for you and asks you to fucking taste it number one i don't fucking

know what a good wine or a bad wine is secondly if it was gone off i don't know you tell me you're the waiter and thirdly as an irish person even if it smelled like a pine martin's rectum i'm still not giving it back because my ir Irishness won't allow it. I will happily grin. And take the gone off. Pine Martin Rectum wine. And drink it with a smile on my face. Rather than be the person who says.

I'm sorry. The wine you just opened isn't good enough. And you're just going to have to get me another. I'm not fucking doing that. Give me the bottle of vinegar I'll shut my mouth and drink it here's 30 quid but this particular wine that I have now

I don't know look complicated Ribena it has what does Ribena have let's see now let's try and do this like a wine tester you make a teeth movement I've seen that on the internet

and then you I don't know it tastes like red wine what's the right being blackberries right see now I think of blackberries now it just reminds me of cats piss and there's no bang of cat's piss so it tastes like

not actual blackberries as you'd find in the wild which tastes like cat's piss but the hyper real version of blackberries that is represented in the drink Ribena which I assume has nothing to do with actual blackberries so this wine has a bit of that

and then petrol Ribena and petrol there's Ribena at the back of the mouth and then near the teeth when I breathe in petrol

so there you have it good stuff I don't know what the fuck do I know I brought it over in the luggage from Spain and it cost 12 quid in Spain

which means it probably costs 40 here so that's all I go on price do you know what we're going to do for the 100th episode? I'm going to have a crack at one of these fucking...

I'm going to try and do a murder mystery podcast. Right? While I'm drinking this wine and possibly Baldy. And we'll see how it goes. And that'll be our celebration

for the 100th episode. So, as usual, we'll get the ads out of the way lads right I'll pour a small little glass of this vrioja and we'll get the ads out of the way what do we do we'll have a pause

I'm not going to do I was doing the Aztec death whistle pause that I did last week, lads. I don't think we'll do that again. It's really unpleasant on the ears. I have my ocarina here. I could do the ocarina. Or, we could do the baldy pause, right? That's what we're going to do. We'll do a baldy pause.

And what we'll do is, when We'll do a baldy pause. And what we'll do is when I'm doing the baldy pause the adverts will come in. Acast will digitally insert adverts. For two reasons as well. Like, here's the

this is the 100 podcast and the beauty of podcasts is that they don't comply to the rules of radio or other broadcasting. By the rules of radio and broadcasting, you can't drink alcohol or take drugs or do anything on air. Or you get kicked off the air. It's a podcast. It's the Wild Wild West. It's the Wild West. It's fucking Billy the Kid. On April 3rd, you must be very careful, Margaret. Wild West. It's the Wild West. It's fucking Billy the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters April 5th.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st people across canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone help camh build a future where no one is

left behind so who will you rise for register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca Shit, you can do what the fuck you want. So what better way to celebrate the 100th episode with a bit of a baldy pause to insert some adverts. there's any Gardaí listening I know of at least three Gardaí that listen I'm not recording this podcast in the Republic of Ireland I'm currently abroad

in an undisclosed country recording this podcast so there's no need to worry so yeah we'll do a fucking oh wait no no no so that was the that was the baldy pause

and you may have heard an advert in there other thing same as usual lads this podcast is supported by you the listener via the Patreon page would you like to be

would you like to be a patron of this podcast which effectively it'd make you like a make you like a fucking a late medieval Italian banker in Florence do you know like you'd be one

of the de' Medici's, I haven't done a podcast on them yet, but the de' Medici's were these Florentine bankers in the late 15th century, who had vast like fucking acres of wealth, and what their whole shtick was that they were patrons of painters in the renaissance era do you know so that effectively is what you would become if you became a patron in this podcast and you could go around the place

wearing crushed silk and you could have big gold medallions and wear crushed silk and have kind of a weird

handlebar pencil moustache and you could lord about your house dressed as one of the 15th century Italian Medici family and look into the mirror and say to yourself I'm a patron of the Blind Boy Podcast on patreon.com forward slash theblindboypodcast And look into the mirror. And say to yourself. I'm a patron of the blind boy podcast.

On patreon.com. Forward slash. The blind boy podcast. So that's what. No seriously though. Seriously. Seriously. You could.

You could. Look. Patreon.com. Forward slash. The blind boy podcast. Alright. You can give me the equivalent of a pint once a month or a fucking

a pint once a month or even a cup of coffee lads alright so that's within your agency to do should you so choose there's an echo in my ear now and I sound like fucking Freddie Mercury hold on I turn it off it's on my earphones there we go it's on my earphones there

we go it's gone okay sounded like Freddie Mercury in the in the live age studio they did an awful amount of holding their headphones when they sang during the 80s didn't they awful strange how something like that just disappears do you know what they used to do in the 80s if you if you look at we'll say visual aspects of people's behavior they used to sing while holding one of their headphones okay now the practical side of that is what you do is so i've headphones on now when i'm recording this podcast but if i was singing what you would do is you've one headphone in the hand will cup it but then you move the other one away from your ear so when you're singing what you get is a mixture of in one ear here's your voice as it is in in the system in the soundboard and then the

other ear is free so you hear your actual voice so you get a mix of the two so I understand the practicality of why people in the 1980s did this but I felt it was more performative more stylistic think of all the music videos in the 80s where people have one hand on their fucking ear in a recording studio you know and I don't see people doing it anymore even in when I'm recording

vocals I will go for the hand on ear but I don't see other people doing it because there is a practical reason the other thing that people in 1980s films did that i don't see other people doing it because there is a practical reason the other thing the people in 1980s films did that they don't do anymore especially women wearing head to toe denim walking backwards no one does that anymore than films if you look at a film from the 1980s someone 90 percent a woman went they'll be talking with their friend walking down the road but then as they're parting one person will walk backwards while talking

and that's something that just it just ended it was it's only present in films from the 80s holding your hand on one headphone and walking backwards while talking. So let's bring that back and the world will be sorted. Alright, I promised you a murder mystery podcast and that's what you're going to get. So I have rubber bandits. There's a song, and the song's name is, Spastic Hawk,

okay, now this is a song, that's, it's, I think it's the first song, we released after Horse Outside, Spastic Hawk, and,

we deliberately released it, to lose fans, after Horse Outside, Horse Outside got way bigger than we wanted as I've mentioned before it got too big as a song and we ended up with a kind of an audience of fans who only liked Horse Outside and didn't like any of our other songs and we couldn't relate to this audience so we were like okay how do we lose these people so we wanted to lose them by deliberately releasing a kind of a jarring and challenging song that isn't particularly aesthetically beautiful um something that's aggressive to the ears but the beauty within it requires a kind of a deep engagement, you have to find

the beauty in it, it's, what is it it's not a McDonald's burger, it's a plate of bacon and cabbage McDonald's is just immediately lovely, yum yum, great, I get it but bacon and cabbage has got layers of complexity to it where you're going, what the fuck is this

what's this? This plate of bacon and cabbage looks like a middle-aged man's chest, and you want me to eat it? Okay. Then you eat it, and you're going, yuck, parsley sauce. But then,

the complex interactions of the bacon and the parsley, they get your mind going, fuck, this is weird. And then you have a spoonful of spud and you're like hmm this is all working together perfectly and the bacon and cabbage grows on you and you realize it looks horrible initially it doesn't taste too good but there's a heritage and complexity behind it which this mcdonald's burger does not have this mcdonald's burger is just gonna love me and leave me do you know what i mean it's just here you go there you go i'm gonna i'm gonna oh isn't that nice on your tongue yum yum eat me fuck off you're gonna be

hungry in a half an hour but a plate of bacon and cabbage will sustain you and what was I talking about yeah Spastic Hawk as a song was an attempt to be like bacon and cabbage in that it is a jarring song but there's a complexity behind it if you listen to it so this is going to end in a murder mystery

as I have promised but it starts with the song Spastic Hawk. Now spastic is a derogatory word. It's an ableist word. In Limerick. It. Was slightly different. It wasn't.

In Limerick the context that. That word is used. Is not an ableist context. It means. It refers to someone who's an outsider or someone who's strange or weird. That's kind of the specific Limerick context, and that's the context that the word is used in the song. And the song is...

I'll read out the lyrics for you in a bit, but the... Where I wrote the song from, the place that I wrote it from, is, it was about my experience of being bullied as a child, I was bullied fairly badly before the age of 10, after 10 I kind of, I found myself a bit more, and then I wasn't, but before the age of 10 I was bullied for for being different for just the shit now that's the part of my head that creates the hot takes when I was a kid that was the part of me that would blurt out

something that was not relevant or conducive whatever conversations were happening so people would go why the fuck is he saying that is he mad is he weird do you get me but i realize now it was uh my infantile attempts at creativity through language but that gets you picked on as a child so i was called spastic non-stop had that screamed into my face spastic spastic spastic that's what they call you when you're different in limerick so the song it's about a hawk

why is it about a hawk it's about a hawk because about a week before i wrote it i was in tk max and i met my friend jim from school jim was the only the only 16 year old i knew who had a full beard like pure Osama bin Laden beard but I met Jim in TK Maxx and I hadn't seen Jim in a year or two and I said what's the crack Jim how you going he still got his pure fucking Osama bin Laden bin or beard and I noticed he was wearing a jumper and the jumper was heavily stained with like a goopy substance that had dried in and i said to him jim what the fuck's on your jumper and he says to me i've been minding a lot of hawks so he'd been minding hawks and he was feeding them eggs and that's what was on his sparrows eggs and that's what was on his jumper

the egg the yoke of a sparrow in order to feed a hawk And it just stuck with me in my chest. I was going that was not the answer. I expected out of Osama Bin Laden. Beardy Jim. That he would have a stain on his chest. Because he was feeding hawks. A sparrow's egg. So it stuck in my head. And the song came to me.

Spastic Hawk. I don't know why. You don't question these things. It's what happened in the moment. And it felt right. And I recorded it in an angry fashion because I was frightened, scared because Horse Outside was bigger

than either of us had expected. All we were trying to do was let's make a pure catchy fucking tune that's funny and have a bit of crack and make each other enjoy it. That's it, each other. And then it gets big beyond what we can imagine and we have this

fan base that we're like oh shit how do we make songs for you now i don't know how because we weren't trying that in the first place so how do we do it again so this kind of comes out of it i'm gonna i'll play you spastic hawk and you can listen away to the lyrics spastic hawk and you can listen away to the lyrics and I will tell you how this leads to a murder mystery alright I got a harkery

That's where you keep hawks And in my harkery I have a special hawk He's a spastic hawk Spastic hawk Spastic hawk Spastic Hawk The other hawks like to give him a hard time Because his neck is bent

And his talons are dull They make fun of him because he's different They make fun of him because he's not the same He's a spastic hawk Spastic hawk He's a spastic hawk Spastic hawk Spastic hawk

Spastic Hawk Spastic Hawk Spastic Hawk But you see my little hawk He's not that different to the other ones But they can see These eyes For in his heart He has the exact same feels and desires As them Like parching on my hand and eating frozen For in his heart he has the exact same feels and desires as them

Like partying on my hand and eating frozen mice But most of all, my spastic heart wants to be free One day when I was feeding the hawks I opened up the cage The other hawks pushed the spastic away Taking all the food for themselves. But while they were consumed by their own greed, the spastic hawk looked up at that blue, blue sky. And mustering all his strength, he leapt forward and flew past my left shoulder I did not attempt to stop him

I did not beckon him back I said fly away spasticon Fly away spasticon Fly away spasticon Fly away spasticon Fly away spasticon I said So that's Spastic Hawk I'll do it like a 2FM DJ So guys That was Spastic Hulk A song right there

By the Rubber Bandits They're from Limerick They wear bangs on their hands It's the Rubber Bandits With Sp're from Limerick. There were bangs on their hands as the Rubber Bandits was Spastic Hawk. Good song there in 2011. Thinking back. So that, yeah, that was my impression of a 2FM DJ calling out the song Spastic Hawk. That was never played on the fucking radio.

So where's the fucking murder mystery, you're wondering? So, yeah, that song, when it came out uh i got a lot of mails from people who were who were differently abled who found inspiration in the hawk in that song um which was very fucking flattering to me because like i said that's not the context from what it was written it was the limerick definition of that word which referred to someone who was like a weirdo or an outsider but to have people who were differently abled mailing me and saying that they

identified with the spastic hawk I was like lovely that's nice thank you was not the intention but however em so it led me one day to googling disabled birds so it led me one day to googling disable the birds right, birds

who had different abilities do you know what I mean? I don't know, I was procrastinating probably like if you're going to type into google disable the birds you want to be on some extreme level of procrastination in order for that to happen yeah so i did and it led me down a very

i thought a strange disturbing well is all I'm gonna say lads so I'm finally gonna give you your uh your murder mystery fucking podcast that you've been looking for that you've been

panging for on the internet our story starts in the state of Nebraska our story starts in the state of Nebraska with a young girl called Jessica Fleming now Nebraska is a state in the midwest of America known for its great plains when America

you know when it was only in its birth after the Yanks had stolen land from the Indians and it was in the stage of manifest destiny which was the push towards the white settler owning lands on the west the people from fucking Sweden Which was the push towards the white settler owning lands on the west. The people from fucking Sweden and Germany and whatever. Would get into great caravans and travel across the state of Nebraska.

To hope for better things. Do you know what I mean? I'm fucking buzzing. But. Let us go to the state of Nebraska in 1988 and start with a young 12 year old girl called Jessica Fleming she called around to her grandfather's house

Gene and Gene was like a an inventor you know Gene used to make his whole thing like he used to he was an inventor who worked

in the ammunition industry right but as he got older he became interested in poultry he was making chicken huts and shit like that you know

even though the chicken hut is a restaurant in Limerick with the most beautiful gravy available to man gene in nebraska in 1988 was making huts for chickens and using the ingenuity that he had developed as a inventor to enhance this process so gene was an older man and he was in his autumn years and he took a visit over to a farm

that was belonging to his sister-in-law also in the state of Nebraska and his sister-in-law like she had a bit of land and she had ducks fucking chickens a a few...

Not mallards. What do you call them? Not carnish, hens. I can't remember the name of this small bird, but she had them. So, Gene's sister-in-law has got a little poultry farm. And when Gene visits, he's having a bit of crack. He's looking around going look at all those chickens. Look at all those ducks. Look at all those geese.

And as Gene is looking at the geese. He like. He's a compassionate man. And he notices. That there's this trail of adult geese. But there's one goose who's trailing like way fucking behind like a good few fucking metres behind

this poor fucking little goose is part of the goose pack but he's trailing behind the rest and Gene looks closer and he notices that this particular goose has no feet at all he's just got little stubs so you've got a whole line of geese running around this farm in nebraska but one poor little goose

who has no feet and merely has stubs he has ankles and he's trying to follow the rest of the geese and he can't fucking catch up at all so Gene sees this and his heart thumps and he connects with this poor little goose and

he goes to his sister-in-law and says why does this particular goose have no feet what did you do to him and his sister in law says I didn't do fuck all to that goose you kind I did nothing to him

and then he says how did the goose come to a position whereby he has no feet and she said he was born with no feet hon. So the poor old fucking goose. Had been born with no feet. Literally.

His feet weren't chopped off. This goose had been born with no feet. And. As a result. Was trailing behind the rest of his goose pack. He was a spastic ghost. I am now off the wine and back onto cans. And I'm drinking a very freezing can of Asahi Japanese beer.

And I'm quite happy. Alright. Alright. So. Good old Gene. When he was looking at that poor goose. Just like dragging behind the rest of the geese. With his no feet. The goose with no feet.

Gene says. I felt like helping the prick that's not a direct quote but Gene wanted to help this little goose but he says quite strangely a quote from Gene is because I am a Shriner

I wanted to help this goose, my natural instinct was to help him Shriners as far as I can see are this they're like a really weird american burger king equivalent of freemasons they're like it's a strange little masonic order that seems to hold the same values as Freemasonry but they okay Freemasons are all like English and British and classy and they have all this ritual and it looks really important Shriners are an American equivalent and literally they wear this hat on their head that makes them look like a flaccid penis.

So a Shriner is like an American Burger King Freemason with a penis head. And Gene says, I felt compassion for this goose because I was a Shriner. So obviously it held into the values that he had learned in this organization. a Shriner so obviously it held into the values that he had learned in this organisation but also sadly it's probably that exact day that Gene

looked upon this little goose who had no feet and said to himself I need to help this goose, it's probably at that moment that that poor goose probably would have been better left off with his pack

with his other geese even though he had no feet this goose would have been better off left off with the rest of the geese rather than Jean taking a shine to him and saying I am a Shriner i am going to save this goose this poor goose who has no feet and cannot run with the rest of the geese i am going

to save him because gene without knowing had signed that goose's death warrant and so gene in the state of nebraska and so gene fleming said to his sister-in-law that goose out there with no feet can i take him please and his sister-in-law said of course you can so gene took him and gene took it upon himself to start a mission of giving this little goose who was born with no feet a normal life. And he searched back into his mind to his years and years of experience as an engineer, as an inventor. And at first he tried to design like an avian skateboard. A type of skateboard that would help this little goose that had no feet

to walk. That didn't work. The goose didn't know how to use a skateboard and Gene went back to the drawing board. The clever man soon came upon a solution. He manufactured a pair of patent leather baby shoes

that were stuffed with foam rubber. And let's not forget little Jessica, Jean's niece. So one day Jessica gets home from school and this goose that her strange grandfather had brought home was now confidently walking around

the yard and little Jessica comes home from school and she sees this goose and she says here that fucking prick of a goose couldn't walk earlier on he'd no feet but today with my own mine own eyes i see that he walks and grandfather gene comes out and says of course jessica you stupid cunt i gave this little goose a pair of baby shoes that were lined and they went on to his fucking shins and now this

goose walks jessica this goose before you is actually walking i fucking did it because i'm an inventor my name is gene and then jessica looks and goes whatever grandfather it was the 1980s so she didn't have an ipad to turn on what did you do in the 1980s for an eight-year-old she went in and drank chocolate milk meanwhile uncle gene is in the yard very happy with himself that his goose who was born with no feet now has the shoes of a baby and is comfortably walking around and living their lives as a very normal goose. Gene decides that this goose is so exceptional that he must call him Andy. So now the goose who was born with no feet who now has the shoes of a child is no longer the footless Goose but this Goose becomes Andy

the Goose living triumphantly with his proud breast a front over the vista of a Nebraska sky the plains before him laid out

acres and acres drenched in the blood of the indigenous people but Andy doesn't care he's just a goose wearing a pair of shoes so Gene had gotten to his point in his life where

whatever degree of age he decides that the only way for him to achieve meaning is to allow some meaning into this goose's life so Andy is now wearing a fucking pair of shoes he's wearing actual children's

shoes it's a goose in shoes now this is the 1980s the late 80s there's no internet nothing like that and word starts to spread about Now this is the 1980s, the late 80s. There's no internet, nothing like that. And word starts to spread about there's this old man called Gene in Nebraska and he has a goose and the goose wears human shoes and it's grand.

Alright? They're not trying to make a big deal of it. It's just that this goose is able to walk when he wears baby shoes. Human baby shoes. baby shoes so the press start to get involved and the local press turn up at gene's gaff and they say can we run a story on you and your little goose who wears human shoes and gene says yes now all of a sudden, Andy the Footless Goose becomes a bit of a star. It's 1988, it's America, there's no social media, there's no Facebook, there's no fucking Twitter, there's no Bebo, there's nothing.

What you have is a goose whose name is Andy, Who against all odds. Was born with no feet. All of a sudden is now wearing a pair of Converse. Children's Converse. And he is walking. Perfectly. And doing his life as a goose. So long as he's wearing human shoes. In Nebraska.

So. Local news gets interested then it's like this is too good it's 1988 lads nothing's happening this story is too good now the national press gets involved

and all of a sudden Andy the goose the footless goose who wears Converse and Nikes, turns up on the Johnny Carson show. Which is like, I don't know, it's like the Late Late Show, but with America in the 80s. Andy, the footless goose, becomes a very large kind of American celebrity. large kind of American celebrity a viral celebrity before the internet

1988 a very famous persona in American media is a ghost who was born with no feet who now wears human shoes baby shoes then Nike start to get involved

Nike are going who is this ghost? Who's wearing human shoes? This Nebraskan ghost. So Nike gets stuck in. Now. Andy. The Nebraskan footless ghost.

Is sponsored by Nike. And wearing Nike ghost shoes. Tiny little shoes. Made specifically. For a famous Nebraskan goose all of a sudden because Andy the shoe wearing goose

has achieved national attention he's been on the Jimmy Carson show or Johnny or whatever the fuck he's called Dead By all of a sudden now Andy the show goes because of his international fame he starts to become a bit of a legend

back home in Nebraska so the people in Nebraska are going give us some of this fucking ghost who wears human shoes and they all started rallying him around him and going fucking hell this ghost Andy oh my god how amazing is Andy

he was born with no feet but now he wears human shoes and he's wearing these bright orange Nike fucking shoes and the whole little town feels so much pride that they have this ghost who wears human shoes and then Andy's wife not Andy sorry gene gene the ghost is uh the man who invented the ghosty shoes gene's wife starts up an andy the show the footless ghost's head uh fan club andy the footless ghost's fan club she starts that up and it starts to get really fucking hardcore like a lot of people are joining this everyone is so proud because this goose who wears shoes is putting this town in nebraska on the fucking nap right but back to little jessica jessica whose grandfather made the goose's shoes like she says on record it wasn't just the shoes

because andy the goose was born with no fucking feet he had a decent nature to him and a direct quote from Jessica says he was very sweet natured just literally a nice bird so Andy the goose because of his affliction from birth had attained a level

of compassion which transcended other geese despite his Nike feet Andy the compassion which transcended other geese despite his nike feet andy goes beyond nebraska soon andy starts with gene i suppose starts receiving letters from organizations around america that represent disabled people and andy became kind of a symbol a signifier and a totem for people with different abilities to look towards because here you have this little ghost who's born one way but lives his life another way in a very empowering fashion.

And has as much fun as any other goose, despite being born with no feet. But now he's got shoes. Do you get me? So Andy became a focal point for people who had different abilities to look towards and go, this little bird, this little goose is my totem. People who had. Different abilities. To look towards. And go. This little bird. This little goose. Is my.

Totem. He's my object. But then in 1991. Jean. Gets a phone call. Because Andy has been missing for about 24 hours now wasn't that strange because like Andy's a goose so he's like I'm gonna fuck off for a day to do my thing and Jean was like I get you Andy just you know tie your shoelaces whatever. But this time. Gene was like. Andy's been gone too long.

Andy's been gone too long. And a phone call. Rings him up and says. Is Andy okay? Because the voice at the end says. The reason we're saying this. Is because. There was a group of people metal detecting.

And they were in a. they were in a park quite near your house and they found a dead ghost but the thing is with this particular ghost that they found he was also wearing child's shoes he was wearing Nike shoes and Andy just drops the phone at that moment

chin rushes out it's too late it ends up in the national news as a kind of a novelty piece but what had happened poor like poor fucking andy and Andy this is what haunts me he's just a little goose born with no feet and all of a sudden he's got a pair of shoes and he's able to walk so Gene goes to the park where he's told to go and what he sees

is very grisly as the news reports at the time said this is a direct quote he was found in a heap decapitated and skinned near the town baseball diamond

so some sick fuck had stolen poor fucking Andy So some sick fuck. Had stolen poor fucking Andy. The little disabled differently abled goose. Who wore human shoes. And had decided to cut his fucking head off. And skin him. And leave him in a park in Nebraska. For poor old Gene to find.

And it made national news lads in 1988 for a couple of months all the news was concerned about was all it was was just a little goose with no feet and he found mobility through human shoes little baby shoes

who the fuck is gonna skin this goose and cut his head off and leave him in a fucking park what sick prick decides that's what they want to do with their life but someone did and poor fucking andy the goose with his little shoes is dead and no one was ever brought forward. As a suspect. Knowing nothing. The poor little fella. Is gone forever.

And no one. Is responsible for his murder. And we're talking 1988. That's nearly 30. How long ago is that? 31. Is that 31 years? That's 31 years ago lads.

31 fucking years ago. And that's 31 years ago lads 31 fucking years ago and that's all that was in the news in America for about 2 fucking months and in 2010 after nobody here's the conspiracy the police they've found a suspect but they won't say who it is I don't even want to think into the head of who would do that

but in 2000 a couple came forward and because Andy's body I think the remnants of Andy's body and they put it into a pet cemetery in Nebraska and there's a monument

and a statue that remains for poor old fucking Andy who was just a ghost with no feet who wore shoes and inspired a lot of people and then was brutally murdered in the park they set up a little statue for him

so look rest in peace Andy that's it that's the 100 podcast episode lads rest in peace Andy that's it that's the 100 podcast episode lads rest in peace Andy the ghost you you Nike wearing prick yart

Gracie goal so that was the 100 podcast episode hope you took something from it. I hope it had a positive impact on your life. I'm finished the podcast now. I'm going to go and listen to the music of Lothar Vandross. That's it.

I'm going to do it myself now. I'm going to fucking listen to some banging Lothar Vandross. God bless. Talk to you next some banging Luther Vandross God bless talk to you next week or Vandross if you're the yank you call him Vandross don't you

rest in peace Thank you. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.