The Blindboy Podcast - Intro to Cognitive Psychology Pt4

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

How to cope with the inevitable pain of existing as a human. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to podcast number 57 you gilded winonas. How are you? It's the blind boy podcast. I have been sickeningly busy. Disturbingly busy at the moment. Because I am recording my audio book, which will be out shortly, recording that, but not only recording it, composing pieces of music for each short story, which is something, it's something I promised you a long time ago i said look i'm going to release an audiobook but it's not just going to be any audiobook it's going to have

custom-made pieces of music and soundtrack behind the stories to create something new and i said it and i committed to it and holy fuck it's a lot of work so the audiobook it's more it's more like a a 12 hour difficult jazz album than an audiobook but putting the finishing touches on it it's

requiring maybe 13 hours of work a day my voice is sore so I will be glad to see the fucking back of the audio book especially so I can get back to actually

writing the second book I'm looking forward to writing because reading an audio book isn't particularly creative I suppose making music for it is but again it's a different type of creativity I want to get back into my own head

into the waking dream that is writing fiction my BBC show went up last week on the BBC iPlayer it's called Blind Boy Undestroys the World Housing. If you are living in mainland Britain,

you will be able to watch this on the iPlayer. If you are living in the occupied north of Ireland, you will be able to watch this on the iPlayer. If you live in the free state of Ireland, you will not be able to watch this on the iPlayer if you live in the free state of Ireland you will not be able to watch this on the iPlayer so if you happen to be within the jurisdiction

of the Queen's Gays please look at my documentary about housing that I made for the BBC and it's good crack it took me four days to be able to see it documentary about housing that I made for the BBC and it's good crack it's good crack I actually

it took me four days to be able to see it I was trying to use VPNs you know VPN where it's like you pretend your computer is in the UK

and it allows you to watch the iPlayer I couldn't do it couldn't get anything to work so I ended up having to ask the BBC to send me over the final edit which I hadn't seen I hadn't seen the final edit to work, so I ended up having to ask the BBC to send me over the final edit

which I hadn't seen, I hadn't seen the final edit to watch it, but I'm very fucking happy with it the response has been phenomenal everyone seems to like it, which is great my utter fucking hero Adam Curtis the documentary maker

sent me a note saying that he likes it so I know I speak about you know, fucking it's important when you're creating something to not put too much emphasis on praise but it's very difficult when Adam Curtis said he likes it

very difficult for me to not want to just skip around the yard like a school boy clutching his email to my heart very difficult but I'm happy with it and

I'll tell you, an interesting response I've been getting and I always get this whenever I do anything with British television Irish people on Twitter or on Facebook calling me a traitor which is utterly fucking silly

like it's a documentary about housing, first of all right I've done loads of work with RTE the National Broadcaster of Ireland I've given them I've offered them a very similar pitch to this show and they turned it down RTE are always turning me down because they don't have any money RTE are actually fucking skint and the thing is with RTE is that

the type of stuff that I make is it's not particularly incredibly mainstream and when something isn't incredibly mainstream in Ireland that means a very small amount of people will actually watch it so to invest in something that's niche doesn't make financial sense

to RTE who are financially fucked whereas at least in BBC I've made something that's quite niche but because Britain has a population of fucking 100 million or something a niche audience is still quite large so but anyway yeah people people calling me a traitor for making TV BBC. Fuck off you fool fuck off BBC gave me an opportunity to make a piece of television

and I gave them a Marxist deconstruction of housing in Britain from a historical perspective exposed the fact that the only reason Britain ever bothered their hopes building social housing back in 1919

was to create better cannon fodder for the fucking trenches and it contains a lot of investigative journalism from some class journalists that exposed some nasty boys doing dirty things with the housing market so

absolutely I will do that for the Brits and I will absolutely doing dirty things with the housing market so absolutely I will do that for the Brits and I will absolutely take the Queen's shilling in return, what's going to happen fucking Michael Collins is going to hop out of his grave and give me a wet willy Jim Larkin going to blame a fart on me

in front of a girl I fancy is it you foolish individual, it's always it's lads, it's lads when I go into their Twitter profile In front of a girl I fancy, is it? You foolish individual. It's always, it's lads, it's lads when I go into their Twitter profile, they've got loads of tweets about soccer. And I think what's happening is they're using soccer logic to refer to comedy writing. It's like, if a play, I don't know,

if I was playing for Republic of Ireland, and then had an English grandfather or something, and then went and played for England, then you can pull the traitor card. But when it's like, I'm just writing comedy for BBC, that doesn't work, sir. I'm afraid you're going to have to go and fuck yourself on that one. Am I going to be making any more BBC stuff?

I'm not allowed to officially say I can't confirm or deny it but you will be noticing over the next three months most of my podcasts are going to be recorded in Britain from London so you can put two and two together em

live podcasts Vicar Street the 9th of November this Friday that is now sold out Vicar Street Dublin

the 8th of November tomorrow that's got like probably 20 tickets left so there's I'd say 20 tickets left for that if you want to get one of those it'll be good crack

my guest on Thursday the 8th is Emma DeBerry I'm looking forward to that and then

my guest on Friday night I'm pleased to announce is Tara Flynn I've done a live podcast with Tara before

down in Cork about 6 months ago I was recording podcasts live podcast with Tara before, down in Cork about six months ago. I was recording podcasts back then with a shoe that had a carrot sticking out of it. So as because of that, when I try and listen back to the podcast I did with Tara six months ago, it's unlistenable shit, even though it was a great interview and me and Tara had unreal crack. So I got on to Tara and I said please Tara will you come to Vicar Street and have a conversation with me

and I'll record it properly and we'll have a big load of crack so that's what's happening so you can come to that that's already sold out but you can come to the Thursday night podcast 8th of November please do I encourage you, it's going to be

a good laugh let's get the ocarina pause out of the way early because I want to do an unbroken rant and try and achieve a state of flow for this podcast so every week I play a Spanish clay whistle

because it means that Acast who hosts this podcast will insert a digital advert for some bullshit that you don't need so you may or may not hear the advert if you don't hear it you're going to hear my beautiful Spanish

South American clay whistle the ocarina Macarena. health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things of evil. It's all for you. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. What's not real? Who said that? The First Omen.

Only in theaters April 5th. That was the Ocarina Pause. Also, this podcast is supported by you, the listener, via the Patreon page. Patreon.com forward slash TheBlindBoyPodcast. If you're enjoying this podcast and you like it. Understand that. Ye pay for it really.

You know I don't really receive. I get the odd bit of advertising. But it's not worth talking about. And to be honest. I don't really want. This to be a sponsorship heavy podcast because as soon as you start getting heavy sponsors then they start telling you

what to talk about I want this podcast to be supported by you the listener so that we can do whatever the fuck we want patreon.com forward slash the blind buy podcast would you buy me a cup of coffee once a month or a pint once a month you can do that

via the patreon it makes a huge difference to my fucking life for the first time in my 18 year career i have a guaranteed regular income it's fucking amazing thank you so much to everyone who subscribes to the patreon but you know what if you can't afford it or you simply don't want to, you can listen for free. It's a suggested donation. Everyone gets the same service. I'm appealing to your sense of soundness. You can also subscribe to the podcast,

like it, and always recommend it to a friend. Yart. Last week's podcast, I thoroughly Yart last week's podcast I thoroughly enjoyed making last week's podcast it was a good old fashioned

boiling hot take about the cocktails and the historical sugar industry and smartphones go back and get a listen to it

if you didn't hear it I enjoyed it but And smartphones. Go back and get a listen to it if you didn't hear it. I enjoyed it. But. From what I've been hearing from you. From what you've been requesting. On Patreon and Twitter and Facebook. Is. The podcasts where I speak about.

Cognitive behavioural therapy. You are reporting that you're taking a lot from it, you're enjoying it. A lot of people are finding it very helpful. And I've said the cognitive behavioural therapy podcasts are going to be a series that are going to continue because it's a big field. And even to offer an introduction, it's still quite a big field. So I'm going to be returning this week to the theme of cognitive behavioural therapy. And this will be part four of an introduction to cognitive behavioural therapy.

Part fucking four, lads. So if you missed part one, two and three, go back and listen to those, please. So for those who have listened to part one, two and three and just need a small little reminder and refresher of what is cognitive behavioural therapy, it is a school of psychology and psychotherapy that is used to treat anxiety, depression, fucking anger, eating disorders, drink problems. It's used for a lot of stuff, but it's most effective in the treatment of depression and anxiety. of depression and anxiety cognitive behavioral therapy it takes the assumption that you know being human the the experience of being a human being the experience of being alive

of your day-to-day when you're on your own is there's often a dialogue you're never you know your mind is never truly quiet our brains are a continual dialogue between two or three little voices in our heads

do you know and if the voice in your head that you kind of it's mad when I was a child I used to think

that that voice was God because you know when you're in fucking when you're in primary school or you have a Catholic education they tell you to talk to God all the time now I realise it isn't

it was like my ego or my super ego or something but we're continually in a dialogue with ourselves in our mind

and if your internal voice is excessively negative or excessively fearful, chances are mental health issues will arise from this excessively fearful or excessively negative internal vice that you have. So CBT aims to retrain that internal vice so to for it not to be excessively negative or not to be excessively anxious but instead for it to move to a place where it is rational and based in evidence and reality do you know and that's the goal of cbt it's retraining your internal thought patterns cbt essentially takes the assumption that how we feel is not as a result of what actually happens but because of our opinions and beliefs about what happens pain suffering

disappointment these things are inevitable they're a part of being alive but most of our unhappiness it's it's thinking about shit that's already happened or thinking about shit that might happen and there's no need for discomfort around that you know, a lot of unhappiness is completely unavoidable or completely avoidable you can't avoid bad things happening to you that's part of being alive

but you can avoid the 90% of stuff which is merely our own negative thoughts basically how you think about 90% of stuff, which is merely our own negative thoughts. Basically, how you think about yourself, other people,

the world, the future, okay? How you think about these things, then influences how you feel about these things, which then influences how you behave about these things which then influences how you behave around these things

and if you can adjust and kind of tackle the way you think then it won't take the logical

conclusion to feeling bad or anxious or behaving in a bad or anxious way so that's what cbt is and it's wonderfully liberating it's similar to existential psychology in a way in that we can't control what happens to us in life you cannot control what happens to you because reality is chaos in a sense you know so you can't control what happens to you but we have utter control over how we react to what happens to us and when you truly realize that there's a powerful freedom in it a very powerful freedom no matter what happens to you okay no matter what it is you have full control over how you react to it and we often react in excessively and intensely extreme ways

to triggering issues and it doesn't always have to be the case i am a person who at one time suffered severe debilitating anxiety and depression and severe mental health issues. Because any time a stressful situation presented itself to me, whether it be a social situation or an exam where there's expectations on me, any time I'd be presented with a stressful situation, I used to greatly underestimate my ability to cope before the situation would happen. I would underestimate and catastrophize. And fantasize about what I believe to be the inevitable disaster that would happen. When this stressful situation would come to fruition. And that caused me a great deal of distress. And I'm now a person where anytime I am presented with a stressful situation,

the situation itself is still stressful. I still have some expectation of me. I still have to produce work or I still have to do something difficult, right? Stressful situation is still the same thing but now no matter what presents itself to me i tell myself i will cope and that's it took years to realize that but it's so simple no matter what happens i am going to cope And what's so great about the word cope is I'm not telling myself it's going to be brilliant, it's going to be fantastic, because I don't know.

And I'm not telling myself it's going to be a disaster and it will have dire consequences. I have no evidence that either of those situations are reality. I have no evidence that it's going to be a disaster. I've no evidence that it's going to be a disaster. I've no evidence that it's going to be brilliant. But what I can be sure of is that I'm absolutely going to cope. So that's what I tell myself.

No matter what it is, I am going to cope. And the fucking, the sense of freedom and power that that gives me is ridiculous and because of that that's one of the reasons that I live my life day to day

as a happy person with good mental health and cognitive behavioural therapy is the main support structure I use to do this so in the previous episodes of the introduction to CBT what we looked at the differences between

healthy and unhealthy emotions in the last one in part three some of the thinking errors that we looked at were like catastrophizing so just to recap on what catastrophizing would be in cbt we take things in the abc model a is the activating event that happens in in reality b are the beliefs that you have about the activating event then c are like the consequences the emotions that you feel because of your beliefs and And then how you behave. As a result of these emotions. Example. Your girlfriend usually comes home from work at 5 o'clock.

So this is we'll say catastrophizing. The thinking error of catastrophizing. This is it in action right now. So your girlfriend usually comes home from work at 5 o'clock it's 6 o'clock, you're looking at your watch you're worried about her activating event, she's late she's not answering her phone so now B, your beliefs about the activating event

you catastrophize you start to believe that she is definitely in a car crash Your beliefs about the activating event. You catastrophize. You start to believe that she is definitely in a car crash. She is dead. Your beliefs then drive your emotions. Because your beliefs are rigid, extreme. Your emotions become rigid and extreme. You start to experience intense fear. Intense fear, intense anxiety.

These are your emotions. These emotions then drive your behaviour. Because you are being driven by these extreme rigid emotions that are informed by extreme rigid thoughts, your behaviour is now extreme and rigid. You're ringing the police to find out if there's been a car crash on the way home. You're ringing her mother, freaking the living shit out of her ma, saying she's not home, I think she's dead. That is catastrophizing.

The solution to the catastrophizing is when the extreme thoughts start to present themselves about the activating event. The activating event is, your girlfriend is an hour late. B, when those thoughts come in of, she's dead, she's splattered on the road, you challenge them. You go, where's the evidence? It is a possibility that she's in a car crash,

but it's highly unlikely. The evidence would suggest that it's very unlikely what are the other possibilities she went to the supermarket and she met someone that she hasn't seen in a while and they've been talking for ages and because of this conversation she's forgotten to ring you and she's got no battery in her phone

and then when you start to think rationally about the activating event what happens to the emotions you're certainly not going to be a ball of anxiety you might have slight concern because it is realistic to be concerned but not so much that it's going to ruin your fucking evening and you're going to say to yourself i'm going to give it another hour and you chill out and you watch your TV or whatever. And your behavior then becomes rational and not extreme. So that's CBT in action. A, B, C.

And new practitioners to CBT will use an A, B, C form. Which means that when the extreme thought comes upon you about an activating event, you literally write it down on paper. You write down, A, activating event, my girlfriend is late. B, honest as possible, what are my thoughts? She is dead. She's been in a car crash. She's been kidnapped.

You write them down. And when you see them on paper in front of you, then you actually go, hold on a second, that's a kidnapped you write them down and when you see them on paper in front of you then you actually go hold on a second that's a bit that's a bit extreme is it and then c you write down what are you feeling right now i'm terrified i'm anxious i feel powerless and then your c what are your behaviors i'm thinking about ringing her ma so you simply go to be the beliefs and you challenge everyone like a scientist she is dead then you go to be where is the evidence that she is dead there is none okay well that's out the window it's a possibility but it's unlikely so you get the gist of it so we look at some new thinking errors now in CBT

this one is very common and this thinking error is called making demands and it's mostly making demands on yourself and making demands on other people one of the fundamental aspects of CBT is to truly change the way you speak. The way you speak to yourself, about yourself, the way you speak about other people.

And there's something within CBT and it goes back to, like before CBT, and it goes back to, like before CBT, before cognitive behavioral therapy, which was, came about in the 60s, there was a former psychotherapy called REBT, which was rational emotive behavioral therapy, and this was from the 40s and 50s,

it was, a fellow called Albert Ellis came up with it, and this is where CBT comes from R-E-B-T and in R-E-B-T there's a thing called the tyranny of the shoulds and the musts Albert Ellis posited that a huge amount of human discomfort

comes from people using words like should and must quite a lot or oughta or have to now what i'm what what i mean by that is okay let's let's think about um think about your your identity your sense of self okay humans are social animals so we want other people to perceive us in a certain way okay and that's unavoidable and there's nothing wrong with that that's we're we're part of a social

group so when you think of who you are and how you would like other people to see you, let's just say you'd like other people to see you as kind or confident or maybe they're not necessarily even personality characteristics but physical. physical maybe particularly if if you know if you're good looking you know if if you're a good looking person maybe you want other people to think that you're a ride to think that you're really good looking or that you dress really well or you'd like other people to think that you're successful okay ask yourself what your personal language around that is and what I mean by that is and this is where the tyranny of shoulds and musts comes in is your internal dialogue people must think that I am a polite person people have to think that I am polite I have to be polite to other people I must be polite to other people other people have to think that I'm good-looking they have to think I'm well-dressed they have to

think that I am successful because if they don't then I am definitely a failure if that type of internal language if you're using that extreme definite words in your internal language around how you would like other people to perceive you that is a recipe for mental health issues okay I should do this i must do this i have to do this extreme language is very toxic and we pick this up and we learn it

when we're kids depending on how our parents were or or our teachers were, or our siblings were. But the fact of the matter is, the reality of it, reality does not allow for rigidity. Reality is flexible. So here's the key here. There's nothing wrong with you wanting other people to think that you're stylish, to think that you're good looking to think that you're good-looking, for people to find you attractive, there's nothing wrong with you wanting other people to think that you're a nice person, to think that you're a polite person, that you're considerate, that you're kind, there's nothing wrong with

wanting other people to think that you're successful or hard-working. These things are all okay. You are a human, you're a social hardworking. These things are all okay. You're a human. You're a social animal as part of a social circle. But what CBT would ask you to do, any time in your internal dialogue where you're using words like should, must, definitely, have to, you replace those words

with something a bit more flexible and it's that's hard work that is hard work I've had to do that that took me years to do

but once you realise it in yourself you have to catch it in the moment so instead of people must think that i'm a nice person you say it to yourself i have a strong preference that people think i'm a nice person but all i can really do is try my

best for me and if someone doesn't think i'm a nice person it's not going to be pleasant but it's not the end of the world and i can't accept responsibility if I'm if I'm doing all I can to show this person respect and still as a result of that they don't like me I can't accept responsibility for that I've done my best I have a strong preference for it but this business of they must like me why am I putting myself under that amount of pressure I cannot control how another person perceives me

I can only control how I present myself and there's a myriad of different things that might colour their perception of me and I cannot accept responsibility for that it'd be too stressful for me fuck that not everyone's going to find you physically attractive that is a simple fact of life people have different tastes some people don't give a shit about looks some people are hung up

on looks some people will want to find something wrong with your looks okay i must be seen as attractive nothing wrong with having a strong preference to be seen as attractive or to be seen as hot or good looking or to want people to for you to want people to desire you that's okay but you must look at your language around it i've just done it there, I said must there's a mistake it would be it would be favourable to your mental health if you examine your language around how people perceive your physical appearance

alright I have a strong preference that people see me as stylish or attractive but if they don't it's not the end of the world who cares I can't control that they have a different set of aesthetics you know so what looks fade and most importantly no aspect of my external behavior can define my value as a human

being no matter how good looking I, no matter how successful I am, it does not make me a better or lesser person than anybody else because we all have intrinsic value. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but the goal of CBbt is to be shifting your internal language towards things like that and then once that happens like let's just say let's say it's looks okay and this i'm the reason i'm focusing on this because i know a lot of people listen to this podcast in their early 20s. And when you're in your fucking early 20s, the pressure to be seen as

sexually or physically desirable to other people is pretty fucking strong. And it can be detrimental to some people. Classic one. You know, boy or girl, you go to the nightclub and you put a lot of effort into it

like your clothes or your hair your makeup whatever the fuck and I must be good looking tonight when I walk into that club tonight I want this many lads to look at me I want this many girls to look at me and you walk in

and it doesn't happen and as a result then you start to feel like shit so a activating event you've told yourself that you're going to walk into the club and everyone's going to look at you they don't so then b your beliefs i'm starting my looks are starting to fade oh fuck i think i'm after putting on weight oh shit this this shirt is awful I need to go home I'm gonna have an awful night I'm not night I'm miserable and then you start comparing yourself to other people look at that person they're gorgeous I wish I if only I was as good looking as them I'd be so happy and then see these are the yourours as a result of the emotions

see what might you do you won't talk to anyone because your self-esteem is low because you've placed your self-esteem in external evaluation by other people you are withdrawing you're not going to have crack you might be rude to one of your friends because you're in your own head thinking about how you're not going to have crack. You might be rude to one of your friends because you're in your own head thinking about how you're ugly tonight. You'll go home early.

You might drink too much to find an external solution for the internal discomfort. You know? Instead of walking into the club and going, maybe those people have something else on their mind. Who says everyone has to look at me?

Who cares? Am I happy with how I look? I am, yeah, grand. Okay, fuck them. You move your belief from something that is rigid and definite to the much more realistic, belief do you know what i mean and it's not just about making extreme rigid demands on yourself you know on how you should be how you you know it's not just about that it's also about the demands that you place on other people so let's just say um you're the type of person you know you really try and be kind and nice to other people okay

this is your thing you feel that you you should and must and definitely have to be nice and kind to everyone you meet as a result of that because you know your core values are based around this you believe that other people then should and must be as considerate to you okay that there is a recipe for consistent and continual disappointment. Your own unrealistic. High standards on yourself. To be the nicest person. And most considerate person to other people. You should and must be considerate to other people.

Now you've projected that onto. Onto these other people. And when they're not. Considerate to you. You're. Look at how much disappointment you have in your daily life look how much now you think you are being let down consistently by everybody around you do you know what I mean? And that's a lot of hurt to be experiencing. That's a lot of rejection to be experiencing. And it can be shocking to realize that it doesn't exist.

The other person has actually not let you down. They have not betrayed you. They have not abandoned your friendship it's just you are holding them up to your own imaginary high standard of behavior and they haven't been informed of the rules but all of a sudden now you're perceiving this as a personal attack because they're not as considerate they have a different set of rules some people are a little bit rude or not even rude they can be nonchalant it doesn't mean that they're actively being malicious or trying to hurt you and this is where this thinking error can intersect with another thinking error because

all the all the thinking errors will complement each other so one thinking error we looked at a couple of weeks ago was to not treat feelings as reality so you're in work and there's a co-worker, you don't know him that well. Because you believe that you should and must be as helpful as possible, you've spent the week bending over backwards for them. Being as nice as possible and helping them, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then on Friday, you go to them for help and they go, sorry I'm busy. And you walk away fucking seething, incredibly angry with them. I was nice and kind to this person all week because I have to have respect for them.

And they have not given this back to me. What a personal attack. How dare they treat me like this. I feel so angry. I feel enraged. The other thinking error that can intersect with this is treating feelings as reality. So now because you feel angry and you feel that you've been attacked, you now treat this as reality. So let's look at the ABC around this.

You've helped this as reality. So let's look at the ABC around this. You've helped this person. This is the activating event. You've helped them. Then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. On Friday, you've asked them for help. They've said to you, Sorry, I'm busy. Not today. Activating event.

B, your beliefs. This person is ungrateful. This person has attacked me. This person has disrespected me these are the beliefs now c what are your behaviors because you feel personally attacked and your personal hidden rules about how you must be treated have been broken now your behaviors you feel justified in enacting revenge in enacting some type of retribution but most likely because you're the type of person who has the belief system that you should and must be polite at all times chances are when it gets to see your behaviors you probably won't confront that person because your beliefs about being nice and kind and polite are too strong so you're not

going to walk up to the desk assertively and scream into their face and go how dare you instead most likely you will internally feel a seething anger and a desire for retribution and it will come out in the form of passive aggression which can be on the lower end of the spectrum very toxic but on the lower end of the spectrum i am going to punish this person through politeness, which means I'm blanking them. When I see them in the canteen, I'm walking past them. They don't deserve my civility. I'm going to be, or sorry, they don't deserve my interaction. I'm going to be civil, I'm going to be kind, I'm going to be an adult, but I will not engage with them.

I won't look at them. I'm going to walk past them that's passive aggression it's hugely destructive to yourself and to the other person because they could just be going what the fuck is wrong with them I was busy they don't understand your personal rules about how you must be treated but the passive aggression is actually incredibly aggressive. It's causing the other person then to feel intense rejection. But what's worse is you can have yourself convinced that you're actually doing a good thing because it fits within the rules of civility. I'm not the type of person who will attack someone or say something nasty to them

no no no no no because I should and must be polite so I will attack them through politeness or tier 2 of that scale is I won't directly engage them and be rude but

I'm going to hide their favourite mug or them and be rude but I'm gonna hide their favorite mug or I'm gonna wait until they make a mistake and when they do make a mistake I'm gonna fucking oh boy I'm gonna rat them out they will they will suffer these are all really toxic behaviours that essentially end up in our own sense of powerlessness and sadness. So how do we do ABC around the flexible thinking thing?

So let's go back to it. A, activating event. Your co-worker is not as polite to you as you would have liked. Your co-worker has not returned the kindness that you have given to him. Activating event. B. Your belief. I have a strong preference. It would be nice.

I would prefer if they acknowledged all the good things I've done for them if they have acknowledged if they would acknowledge that I've given them a lot of time and I've a strong preference in fairness

that because I've done this for them I've scratched their back I feel that they should be scratching mine as well that'd be nice you've moved the language

to something a bit more flexible it's your preference it's not a bit more flexible it's your preference not it's not a must because when it's a preference you can go oh fuck it i'm leaving myself open for disappointment but when it's a must then it's a rule then you're a judge then they've broken the law then they're allowed to be punished then would be you know you'd look at some of the the negative things which is they are not repaying the favor of kindness because they are attacking me they don't respect me so you look at that and you go where is the evidence where is the evidence that this person is attacking me there is none and then you look at alternative evidence maybe this person was an

only child and they don't understand uh i scratch my back i scratch yours maybe this person had parents who spoiled them they're a little bit entitled maybe this person isn't as nice as i thought they were and And you know what? They're entitled. People are entitled to be dickheads. They're not entitled to abuse you or to disrespect you. But people are... You have to allow people to be where they are.

And I don't say that for the other person, but for you. When you hold rigid beliefs about how other people must behave you are bringing upon yourself a world of sadness because like i said earlier pain rejection being treated badly are givens of human existence and if your rules around them are really really strong you will consistently be disappointed and experience an awful lot of unnecessary hurt so what can you do what if the person is actually behaving like a dickhead instead of saying to yourself i'm going to get revenge you go what good will that what good is revenge going to do the best revenge i can get is to learn the lesson that maybe this is the type of person that I shouldn't have as an ally. Maybe, isn't it great that today I learned that this person is unreliable,

I learned that this person doesn't appreciate when things are done for them, and I learned that going forward I should probably look for someone else if I'm to look for a teammate or to look for some type of quid pro quo arrangement. Those are way more flexible ways of looking at the situation that don't result in toxic behaviours with sadness and harm for yourself or for the other person. Or ending up in a really embarrassing situation where you're screaming at someone or pissing into their fucking coffee mug because this shit happens this shit happens you know so I'll move on to another thinking error

this is again quite a common one especially this one intersects with low self esteem and it's called disqualifying the positive. Kind of keeping the baby and throwing out the bat water. What does it mean? It's when you react to a, when you have a very biased way of processing information, right?

It's when you receive any form of positive uh information you disqualify it and focus only on the negative um this is a common one with it's a battle i kind of had. If you make any type of content online, you don't even have to make content. If you exist online, if you do something, like in the early days of when I used to put up music videos, I put up whatever, I could put up a music video, I could get a million fucking views.

There could be 2,000 comments. 98% of these comments would be overwhelmingly positive 2% of the comments would be negative people trying to take the work down I used to really battle I used to

only focus on the negative and completely disqualify the positives I would someone would say this oh this video is class this song is brilliant i'd ignore it as if they were lying and the person who said this is a piece of shit anyone could do this that's the one that i would believe and I'd experience so much pain 10 years on what I try and focus on what I really what I do try and focus on is not listening to either opinion if someone thinks a piece of work I did is class if someone thinks it's shit grand what do I think about it I move it all internal internal locus of evaluation

how do i feel about this work did oh do i enjoy it did i enjoy making it am i happy with the end result that's where you need to go but disqualifying the positive is i I don't know, you're... You convince yourself that you're worthless and unlovable, okay? And you're inside, you're in work. And your boss comes up to you and says, that thing you did last week was fucking brilliant. Fair play to you. Keep up the good work.

That was excellent. Be proud. Your boss gives you a compliment. And you walk away from it thinking, that compliment doesn't count. Anyone could have done what I did. That's just, or they're just lying, you know. And instead of feeling justifiably pleased and satisfied that you've

done a good job you walk away feeling disappointed feeling worse it's like I've done something good but it's like ah they're probably lying I'm a fake I'm an imposter anyone could be doing this and you can end up nearly Jesus my boss is a fucking fool why can't they say true me that's not a good thing that I did I'm a fraud does that make sense is that something that would relate to you

because that's a very common one or you're feeling low and your friend tries to cheer you up and they say something lovely to you they say do you know what you're a fucking great person

you're really sound and other people think that too and in your mind you just go they're only saying that to cheer me up they don't mean that I really am a piece of shit that is that's disqualifying I really am a piece of shit. That is...

That's disqualifying positive information. And it's hugely common because everyone except Yanks... I would wager that that's less common in America. But in Ireland, in Britain, we're very much from a young age told to kind of not accept compliments to disqualify them um that's a lovely jacket i don't mind that i only got in pennies don't mind this jacket i found it somewhere this is the dialogue that we this is pastime dialogue you know this is how

we've been trained to react in social situations if someone gives you a compliment don't take it shoot it down and self-deprecate but that's grand but it over time that results in an internal dialogue of self-deprecation that can result in sadness especially when you mix it up with low self-esteem so how do you fucking how do you look at it abc your boss comes up to you and tells you that the report that you handed in or whatever the fuck you're working in they say to you great work that was brilliant activating event b your belief about that event what are your negative beliefs my boss is lying my boss i can't believe that i'm after tricking my boss into thinking i'm a good employee my boss is spoofing because part of their job is to blow smoke up our holes they can't they

don't really see how shit i am you look at these beliefs you simply write down you go where's the fucking evidence and then you go do you know what i actually i did put a bunch of fucking hours in on that report and it is quite good so because of this there's actually a good chance that my boss is telling the truth and has just given me a compliment for good work that i've done you know and what does that do to the with the negative thought of i'm a piece of shit my boss is, you look at your behaviour after that. What's your behaviour going to be? Your emotions are going to be, you're going to start feeling low, you're going to start feeling sad.

And then your behaviour is going to be, you're going to withdraw. You're going to, and this is really fucked up. You will interpret the good criticism as painful and be less likely to work hard the next time like part of getting good at something is to be able to accept when you've succeeded and that fuels your confidence for future efforts but if you're not allowing the sense of success and achievement in you won't get better at that thing that you do the risk of failure becomes more frightening do you get me ultimately what you want to do with this like i said is get to the place where

it doesn't matter if your boss tells you that the work is good or it doesn't matter if the boss tells you that the work is bad. Do you know, it's like, actually no, that doesn't count. That's more of a thing for creative shit because in your work you can actually have a a bad report i'm assuming but compliments compliments go for the internal locus of evaluation every time if someone gives you a compliment for something take it on board and go that's nice but if someone says something negative you go take it on board and go that's disappointing ultimately how do I feel about me

internal locus of evaluation are you happy and if you're happy then that's all you can do how other people perceive an aspect of your behaviour is up to them but ultimately because this

particular fucking thinking error is so common and rooted in no self-esteem you have to fucking practice you really have to make a decision right now that the next time you get a compliment or positive information, either about yourself or about something you've done, really practice on how you react to that information and practice believing it, actually believing it. Practice that. Don't entertain the voice that tries to discredit it because it's a harmful voice

practice going yeah fuck it my hair is class today or practice yeah i did really work hard at that thing i did yeah i deserve that compliment next move on from it you know but practice it flag when the negativity comes in and go i have zero evidence whatsoever to suggest that this compliment i just received was the person simply trying to butter me up why would i say that when the actual evidence is that i worked hard and delivered a piece of work? Why would I then say that they're just buttering me up or being nice for points? I've no evidence, so why am I entertaining it? This is how, over a period of time, you reprogram and retrain your thoughts for the benefit of your own mental health because all this stuff like I'll say it again I'm talking

about mental health not mental illness and mental health is no different to physical health and every time you bat away a compliment and choose to focus on the negative. That's the equivalent of not exercising. Or that's the equivalent of eating food that's really high in salt. If you live an unhealthy lifestyle in terms of exercise and eating, it is no surprise that eventually. You will become unfit. Physically unfit.

When. We consistently in our daily lives. Indulge in these errors of thinking. Or the healthy or unhealthy emotions. We will end up in a state of mental unhealth. It's as simple as that. That's what cognitive behavioural therapy is. Mental health issues most often arise as a result of faulty ways of thinking about ourselves,

faulty ways of thinking about other people and faulty ways of thinking about the world. And if you do that enough times, anxiety knocks on the door. Depression knocks on the door. And then when you have depression and anxiety for a long enough time the bombardment of stress hormones and chemicals and unhealthy behavior that results in that that ends in severe mental health and that can end up in mental illness and that's the spiral that happens when we fail to recognize that we can take personal responsibility for our own lives

we cannot control what happens to us we can control how we react to what happens to us and no matter what happens you have the capacity to cope that is the best you can ever ask of yourself coping we can always cope and if you're thinking Jesus blind boy this business of coping

or if you're here's one to fucking flag because I know a lot of people have said this a lot of people have said to me A lot of people have said to me. Blind Boy I listen to your podcasts. And I listen to you speaking about. Mental health and how you deal with it. And I come away from it thinking.

Jesus. Blind Boy is amazing at this. I could never do that. There you go. Right there. There's a thinking error. That's a thinking error. That's disqualifying the positive I'm not fucking special

at all I I had severe anxiety and depression I was suicidal now I'm not the reason when I say no matter what happens to me I'm confident that I can cope I know I can cope no matter what situation is thrown at me I will cope why can I say that

because I have a vast set of tools that I've learned and those tools are mostly cognitive behavioral therapy it's a toolbox so why would i not cope when i've got these wonderful jewels of understanding my own emotions understanding other people understanding why i behave negatively i have all these tools. I've got names for them. I know what, I can identify the difference between jealousy and envy. I can understand the difference between fear and anxiety. I've learned all these things over the years. I have a language for all these things.

I have a toolbox. And this toolbox is cognitive behavioural therapy. And it's not complicated. Anyone can learn it. And anyone can use it for themselves. So that the ultimate goal is. I can cope. And that can be something as simple as.

Feeling anxious about going to a work party. Or. An utterly unthinkable tragedy someone close to you dying suddenly this is the tapestry of human existence this shit happens but I know no matter what happens I can cope I have full control over how I react to it and I know that I won't be reacting

in I won't allow myself to react in an excessively rigid or unhealthy way to anything I'll take everything in the here and now in a mindful fashion and catch my negative thoughts and no matter what happens to me I react in a flexible way no more rigidity, flexibility in the here and now and when you can truly realise that

the fucking sense of power existential anxiety goes out the window meaninglessness goes out the window meaninglessness goes out the window because there's great fucking meaning in that you don't even need the idea of heaven or hell or a god

it's just heaven is a choice that you can make in the present moment and if you live every present moment with the understanding that you have a choice that you can make in the present moment and if you live every present moment with the understanding that you have a choice about how you live in the present moment then there you go

there's your heaven inevitable pain is going to happen, disappointment things like that but sure fuck it that's life I mean I often think about the idea of heaven as it's soul to us as this eternal

place of endless happiness and beauty and that when I sit back and think of that the idea of that makes me anxious because that's not life life is about light and dark and heaven being this place of eternal light That's not life. Life is about.

Light and dark. And heaven being this place of eternal light. You need a bit of dark in there lads. Because from the disappointment and darkness. Of existence. Comes meaning. Wounds that heal. And shape who you become as a human being you know. Death. Death. Death of a loved one. Shap shape who you become as a human being you know death, death of a loved one

shapes who you become if you navigate it in a healthy flexible rational fashion and understand and embrace the pain of it it can make you a different and better person in hindsight

do you know what I'm saying alright a different and better person in hindsight do you know what I'm saying alright I'm gonna fuck off because that's an hour and it's pure late here and I've been recording all day the stupid audio book and I'm pure busy

so have a good one, have a good week not sure what I'm gonna talk about next week it won't be CBT I'll leave that for another one there's so much more out the fucking cover like this CBT series

is going to be there'll be a lot of them I want to do a separate podcast literally just on the emotion of anger which is something that isn't spoken a lot. There's loads to cover. So. Have a good week.

You shout at cunts. Enjoy yourself. If you're living. Like I said under the jurisdiction of. Queen Elizabeth. Get a look at my BBC iPlayer show. And please recommend it to a friend Yart Thank you. Thank you. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation

night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.