The Blindboy Podcast - Purcells Burst

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

The History of Soho, and a treatise on the emotion of Anger ` Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Look at you doing a line of pinecone off the prince's wrist, drenched in Brylcreem, what you stole out of a Beowhat's pharmacy. Stare at the moon, your face retching from a sachet of vinegar, you gentle fair-haired dimpeness that was a poem that was uh written by hollywood actor barry pepper and it was just handed to me by barry pepper who i happened to bump into on the street i bumped into him on the street and he was wearing galoshes because I am in London, in Saha, in the West End of London. And when you're in London, you bump into people like Barry Pepper and he hands you a poem for your podcast.

That definitely happened. How are you getting on? You dramatic cunts. What's the crack with you? Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. I'm in London. Last week I was very sick. This week I'm not sick.

I just finished my course of antibiotics a half an hour ago. I should be grand. I'll go hell for leather on the probiotics tomorrow to counteract the damage they did to my um internal flora but uh yeah I'm over in London as you can as you can hear the sound actually isn't too bad I think I'm achieving a podcast hug I'm in a lovely fucking apartment couple of weeks back when I was in London I'm over here working on my TV series the BBC couple of weeks ago when I was in London, I was staying in a hotel and going mad. So I said to the BBC, get me a fucking apartment if I'm staying here because I need to have a sense of autonomy and control over my life. So I'm in an apartment in Soho and it's fantastic. I mean, no, here's the thing.

It's like, by London standards, it's fantastic. I mean, no, here's the thing. It's like, by London standards, it's fantastic. It's like, it's an ex-council flat. Here's the mad thing about London. Like, it's in this tower block and it's an ex-council flat. And it's probably worth like three million quid. Do you know? It's this really small flat that I have for the month.

And it was built in the 50s, I believe. And in the 50s, it would have just been social housing for somebody who needed it. And at the time, it was probably frowned upon by posh people as a hovel but now here we are in 2019 and this ex-council flat is somewhere that a lawyer would live in central London because it's in the middle of Soho so I have that for the month but it's great I'm here recording my podcast the sound is is is

fantastic the room that I'm in it's kind of busy so there's there's shit all around the gaff that catches sound and in front of me I'm on the corner of a tower block so I have the vista of the London city in front of me it's um I couldn't ask for a nicer fucking place to record this podcast to be honest you know it has that that right energy that energy that I'm looking for I feel like like when I'm trying to achieve the the podcast hug like I said there's two kind of visions I have the first one is Blade Runner in Deckard's apartment where oh what cunt is texting me I was on a Blade Runner rant but yeah the aesthetic that I the visual aesthetic that is the podcast hug for me it's that Blade Runner aesthetic where it's the dark

futuristic Deckard's apartment with humming lights or the other one is there's a song by a fella called Donald Fagan used to be in Steely Dan and he's got a song called The Night Fly which is about a late night radio DJ just playing jazz into the middle of the night and that's the other thing in my head when I'm thinking of the visual aesthetic that I'm trying to achieve in an aural fashion it's the theatrical world that is created in the song The Nightfly by Donald Fagan

and I think I've achieved that here I'm in the corner of a tower block it's sufficiently dystopian and there's a bang of loneliness but not that bad loneliness the good type, the type that I enjoy so anyway how are you getting on? I hope you're having a good time

in Soho like I said or Soho as I call it which which I enjoy being in because it's my favorite part of London because I know it well I know it well I have a relationship with a Soho theatre here in London we've been gigging Soho Theatre for fucking years, since about 2011. When we, with the Rubber Bandits, were getting kind of annoying in Ireland and annoyingly big with the wrong fan base after Horse Outside,

we fucked off over to London and decided to make some friends in Soho. And we did. And Soho Theatre used to put us on for like. 30 nights in a row like. Doing gigs and we cut our teeth. With fucking theatre audiences doing that so. Soho's very warm to my heart.

But it's. What I love about London. It's a fucking city that's so steeped in history and one of my favourite things to do is there's like Wikipedia on my phone right there's a feature on the Wikipedia app where you can hook it up with Google Maps so when you're walking around with your Google Maps

depending on where you are physically if there's any relevant Wikipedia articles nearby Google Maps. So when you're walking around. With your. Google Maps. Depending on where you are. Physically. If there's any relevant. Wikipedia articles nearby. They'll pop up. And when you're in London. There's a fucking Wikipedia article.

Every two inches. It's such a historic place. And I love the history of Soho. Soho is. It's on the west end of London and like London city right historically it's kind of like the city of Westminster which is a small enough area around the Tower of London we'll say right it's a small enough area so what Soho actually is it was an area to the west of the city of London right so outside the walls of the city that was just kind of forests and farmland and Henry VIII who was Henry VIII's a cunt I don't usually use that. I don't usually use the C word in a disparaging

fashion. I usually use it as a term of endearment. But when referring to Henry VIII, I think it's fair to call him a cunt. Because he caused a lot of hassle, you know, let's face it. Because of his adventurous penis. Henry VIII's adventurous penis caused a lot of trouble mainly the introduction of Protestantism to Britain and what that meant for Ireland Ireland didn't fare too well out of that with his itchy penis because he wanted a lot of wives to divorce but should we all know that

but anyway another thing that Henry VIII did so outside the city walls to the west of the city walls in Londonondon where soho is now was just farmland so henry the eighth says right this fucking farmland area to the west of the city outside the walls that's going to be like a my personal preserved hunting grounds right so henry the eighth says this area is his hunting grounds. Where he can disappear at the weekends with his lords.

And go hunting boars or whatever the fuck. But. So that's what they started doing. Henry and some chosen posh boys. Would leave the city walls and go to the forested area where Soho is now. And do their hunting. So what naturally would start to happen is, these are just like,

Henry VIII and his friends, I don't know, how would you, they'd be like the worst rugby lads. Do you know, the worst rugby lads. So they fuck off for a week of hunting, out into the forest. And they weren't really, they were a bit of hunting, but really what they wanted was drinking and riding outside of their marriages so they would then bring with them

Henry would have what you'd call concubines concubines would have been a personal harem of sex workers just for Henry and then his lords might have brought a few with them as well but as the forested area that is now Soho became the place where posh cunts went to hunt women who were sex workers naturally started to kind of hang around the area because that's where a lot of work was happening and slowly but surely as that developed into kind of towns and villages in the soho area soho became associated with the sex trade going as far back as henry the eighth and kind of alongside the sex trade then as well became became became like a land of partying a land where conventional rules of

morality of the time don't matter so on top of like we'll say the sex trade you would have had taverns or the equivalent of nightclubs as well and this develops on into fucking Victorian times

and then the gay community start to kind of position themselves in soho and the reason being like obviously like gay people were massively massively persecuted massively persecuted and they found kind of comfort and community amongst the sex workers who would have also been outcast and that's how Soho became known as um a kind of a gay area too that's where those roots come from and on top of that then there was kind of a I think like a Jewishish there was a there was jewish people stuck into this and the west end area becomes associated with the sex trade gay people theater jewish people and you have that's where you know the west end now is where you go to see shows but it all kind of traces to those

I don't know, bohemian cultures outcast cultures the counterculture and there was a language spoken in Soho on the West End known as Pilare

it's not spoken much anymore but quite a lot of common words that we use today come from Pilare. It's not spoken much anymore, but quite a lot of common words that we use today come from Pilare. It was kind of a coded language. I mean, Pilare was, it was a mixture of a little bit of Italian, thieves can't, a mixture of a little bit of Italian, Thieves Cant, which Thieves Cant was, Cant is a language that comes from kind of Romany, but Thieves Cant was a language of the street amongst kind of thieves, you know, it was a coded language, so it's a mixture of a little bit

of Italian, Thieves Cant, I think there was a small bit of Jewish thrown in there. But what it became, this Polare, it was how gay people spoke from Victorian times on. Loads of words today that we use in common usage come from Polare, like drag to refer to clothes,, like drag to refer to clothes, clobber to refer to clothes, the word bimbo to mean someone who's not too smart, naff to say that something is naff, is in its shit,

oogle to oogle at someone, to look at someone. These are all words that come from Polari, and Polari was, like, it wasn't just gay people in Soho and the West End. It was kind of theatre people and circus people. The West End became associated with the theatre and the circus and travelling performers as well as a lot of sailors and stuff, and the circus and travelling performers as well as a lot of sailors and stuff so it was

there was definitely it can't be, its roots were definitely gay but gay people found their way into the sailing community obviously and into the theatre community but Polari was spoken Jesus well up

into the 1960s in London and why it was used really was you have to remember being gay in London was illegal up until I think like 63 and the metropolitan police used to send police undercover into Soho to try and find to try to try and find, to try and solicit men into sex and then arrest them like a drugs bust. So Polare was used if a lad was in the West End or whatever, this is going back 150 years, they would use certain words that only another gay man would use and that was the coded language that said that someone was a part of a fucking community

so there's all this culture and history steeped in Soho not only that though but like like I said going back to Henry VIII when it became this place of vice and sex work and we'll say

the lords and the dukes all started you know hunting in soho and then it became a little village and then became a town around the 18th 1800s it started to become quite gentrified because if all the lords and dukes are going there to hang out and, you know, have sex and do all this stuff. It's going to make the area quite cool. So it became gentrified. So the kind of rich, wealthy Londoners in the 1800s, the kind of late 1700s, early 1800s started moving to Soho and it became gentrified. But, and this is the really, really important thing about Soho,

there was an epidemic of cholera in the mid-1840s. And cholera is, I've mentioned it before, it's a particularly horrible disease. It's contagious bloody diarrhea that'll kill you in 48 hours if you don't have the medication for it. diarrhea that'll kill you in 48 hours if you don't have the medication for it and there was an outbreak of cholera in 18 the 1846 around 1850 and this obviously caused all the rich people to get the fuck out of soho because everyone was dying from bloody diarrhea but my favorite kind of fact about Soho and what makes it so amazing is that this cholera outbreak, it's where germs were discovered. and there's a pump in Soho, like a water pump,

and the pump is there 200 years, and this is one of the most important water pumps. It's the most important water pump in the world. So anyway, there was a doctor called John Snow in the 1850s, and he was living in Soho, and he was wondering, what the fuck is going on in Soho that everyone is dropping dead from cholera right what's going on and the thinking at the time around diseases is that there were things called humors in the airs so like the air in London at the time would have smelled terribly um 1850 is about the same

time that London started developing flushing toilets and sewage like there was a thing called the great stink of London I could be wrong I think it was about 1840 when basically flushing toilets all around London were flushing shit into the into the Thames and the stink in London was so bad this summer that they nearly had to shut down parliament because the houses of parliament are on the fucking river you know and they nearly had to shut down parliament because human shit was just being thrown into the fucking river and they didn't have a sewage system so people believe that the poor smell in the air and it goes back to the plague was what caused illness which they were wrong of course so John Snow was in Soho around 1850 wondering what's going on with all these people getting cholera and he traced the cholera outbreak. Everyone who got cholera drank from this one water pump, okay?

And what happened is that the water pump, the source of water that it was coming from, was being infiltrated by cesspits. And people who didn't have flushing toilets, obviously, there was only about 1,000 flushing toilets obviously there was only about a thousand flushing toilets in all of London in 1850 so people used to dig pits out the back garden and just throw shit in there

simple as that so the source of water for this water pump in Soho had been contaminated by shit from people's cesspits and John Snow figured out everyone who drank from this fountain or this pump got cholera so it's something that's in the water and he this is the start of a

how do you call it epidemiology the study of epidemics germ theory this is the first kind of idea that no disease is not spread through the air through humors there's tiny little organisms called germs that you can't see but are passed through like human fluids so cholera is passed through human shit if you drink water that is in contact with another human shit there is a high likelihood of cholera as like cholera is not a problem anymore obviously because we have modern sewer systems but in soho that's where germs were discovered. And that's where germ theory comes from. So it's very, very important. The actual pump, because I go and visit the pump every so often, if I'm wandering around Soho, I go and look at the pump.

It's not the actual pump. It's a replica that was put there in the 1920s, but still. Yart. So this week's podcast isn't about Polare or human shit or Soho I just happen to be here

because it's fucking January I wouldn't mind doing something in the line of self care mental health-ish

an exploration of emotions because I haven't done one in a while just to to check in with myself um for my own mental health and for you listening then to be able to check in yourselves too you know now soho today is like it's no longer a den of vice um like the sex shops are all gone the strip clubs are gone um there's one or two gay bars like old compton street has got the remnants of it's gay past but it's much more just kind of heritage historical heritage there's no real gay presence in soho soho's just like like my agents are in Soho

you know it's television companies and loads of class restaurants no longer and tourists try convincing my ma my ma who's nearly in her 80s

and her reference point for Soho is lads she knew from Tipperary in the 60s who went over there went over to London and

came back talking about the fucking mad strip clubs and madness of Soho so my ma's fully convinced that like I'm doing opium in a brothel for a month em I'm not so what do I want to talk

about this week em I'm not talking about the history of Soho I want to because it's January you know a start to a new year I want to do something kind of mental healthy something mental health-ish

in theme with we'll say the the CBT podcasts mainly just to check in on myself um because that's what i always do when i do a mental health thing i try and keep it about my own experience and then for anyone observing then if they can take something from it then an added bonus but i try not to speak for other people i speak for myself um i'm aware that i have a load of new listeners um getting more and more listeners every week because it's since i went on russell brown's podcast the demographics of the listenership have gone fucking mad.

I've got listeners from, like, Argentina and Italy. Like, really multinational. So, if you're a new listener, go back to the very, very start of the podcasts. The very beginning. Rather than taking it from here, I've got a ton of podcasts. And varied themes.

Some of them about mental health. Some of them about art. Some of them about economics. Some of them about philosophy. Whatever the fuck takes me. Every week I try and condense it into a hot take. So before I get on to the theme. This week's podcast.

We'll have our little ocarina pause uh we'll get it out of the way the ocarina pause is when a digital advert is potentially inserted into the podcast so i play a south american clay whistle in order to to warn you so you don't get surprised by an advert. Oh, it sounds lovely in this apartment. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living

with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things of evil. It's all for you.

No, no, don't. The first omen, I believe, girl, is to be the mother. Mother of what? It's the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real66 it's the mark of the devil hey movie of the year

it's not real it's not real it's not real who said that? The First Omen only in theaters April 5th I enjoy the sound of that there's a a gentle reverberation

inside this apartment and it does take to the ocarina quite well em this podcast is supported by you the listener via the patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind boy podcast would you like to be a patron of this podcast

would you like to provide financial support so that this podcast keeps running so that so that i get paid well you can go to patreon.com forward slash the blind by a podcast and you can give me the equivalent of a cup of coffee or a pint once a month and everyone gets the exact same podcast there's no perks as such for being a patron it's just a nice thing to do and it makes a huge difference to my life so please do if you can support this podcast via the patreon page i don't know is it patreon or patreon patreon sounds a bit yankish doesn't it so anyway um yes this week because it's the new year and you know

with the new year we're thinking about resolutions we're thinking about self-improvement a good part of that is always you know improving your mental health so

I want to I want to do something around around the emotion of anger because anger is you know it's one of the core fucking emotions it's something we all experience is just simply as part of being alive as part of existing and it's anger is one of the more one of the emotions that can I think out of all of them if it's not handled properly can land you in the greatest amount of danger and trouble. Do you know? Anger, of course, it can manifest itself healthily or unhealthily.

What I'm interested in, like from a cognitive, from a cognitive behavioural therapy point of view, it's the unhealthy expression of anger um if anger is something like when anger is expressed unhealthily like it can it'll make shit of your relationships with people either work colleagues or people close to you and it'll ultimately it'll make shit of your own self-esteem when anger is unhealthily expressed. And, like, first off, what's the difference? Healthy anger, because, like, anger is part of the tapestry of being alive. Simple as that. You can't avoid feeling angry anger is necessary

anger is useful you know it exists for a reason healthy anger I'm speaking about so healthy anger is like when you feel annoyed or irritated healthy healthy anger is a motivational emotion. It kicks in and it motivates you to actually help the situation that has triggered the anger, right? What would be a good example? You're in a queue for a shop and someone skips in front of you. you're in a queue for a shop and someone skips in front of you. That's a universal trigger for anger, okay? Because in our society we have rules about queues exist in a shop for a reason and when someone jumps ahead or tries to do something snaky,

a fucking car, in a car a queue queue for a roundabout or something as well queues are just one of those things when someone jumps ahead we universally spot that as that person is doing something wrong okay if you react to that situation with healthy anger, the healthy anger allows you to assert yourself, right? So the man jumps in front of you, you notice that, you feel a slight irritation, a jolt of the heart maybe, you might feel it in your belly a little bit and it causes you to be very alert, you all of a sudden become quite alert

and healthy anger will allow you to address the person and go, not accusatory, you'll go, I'm sorry there's a line here what's the story healthy anger will you know you're asking a question because the fact of the matter is as well the person who's jumping up jumping the queue they might actually have a good reason they might have a good reason and when they say it to you you'll actually go actually actually you know what you can jump ahead of me let's just say it's a queue for a toilet and they've got irritable like irritable bowel syndrome or crazy diarrhea if someone jumps ahead of me in the queue for a jacks and they say look i really need to go i'm gonna go that's jump ahead there. Healthy anger will allow you to assertively assess the situation,

deal with it, address the other person, and not do it in a confrontational fashion. So that's why that anger exists in that respect, to serve a meaningful purpose that improves your life. Now, unhealthy anger, that's rage and hate. Unhealthy anger is when you behave aggressively or violently like even to a small provocation or most commonly the most common expression of unhealthy anger is passive aggression. So let's go to the queue jumping scenario again.

Usually unhealthy anger presents itself when one of your personal rules are broken. I spoke about this on previous podcasts. are broken okay I spoke about this on previous podcasts all of us have certain rules about how we'd like to be treated by other people or how we think the world should be okay and these rules are personal to ourselves some of them are reflected in society but they're often very personal we get them from parents or from siblings or whatever and other people don't know how strongly we personally believe these rules so let's just say you are the type of person who believes very strongly that you must be polite in public settings and other people must also be polite.

And you believe this in a, you use words like should and must. So in public situations, people must be polite to me and to other people. And they should always be polite because if they are not, that is disgraceful. If that's a view that you have, a personal rule, disgraceful if that's a view that you have a personal rule then a situation where someone jumps a queue for the toilet can be very triggering for your anger okay so person jumps ahead you see it happen instead of you know healthy anger making you become alert, immediately you're fucking fuming. You're looking at the other person who jumped the queue

and there's two different unhealthy ways that it can go. And this often tends to be, not always, but it's kind of gendered so men tend to express rage okay um it's it's i think it's because of gender roles and how we're brought up little boys are entitled to be angry little boys are parents allow little boys to throw a tantrum and to throw their lego across the room that that's a an expression of unhealthy anger that little boys their gender role is allowed to express little girls aren't if a little girl smashes her lego on the ground it's unladylike so she's corrected in that respect so you tend to end up with adult men and their expression their

unhealthy expression of anger can be very destructive and rageful whether it be in words or whether it be physically so the cue is jumped and the man's personal rule has been broken. How fucking dare this cunt jump the cue? Who the fuck does he think he is? Who does this person think they are? They think they're better than me, don't they? They think they're one above me and can walk all over me well I'm gonna show them so now all of a sudden the person who jumped ahead who might have a serious

dose of the scutters lads all of a sudden now think about what happens to your body with that finger. You clench your teeth. Your face feels hot. Your body shakes. Your fists are clenched. You tremble. You do not really feel in control. You feel as if you could lash out and punch and bite at any moment and it's not fully in your control very dangerous position to be in a public situation so the person who jumps ahead now you decide to express your unhealthy anger in a fucking you know in a queue situation most people aren't to go aren't aren't going to go straight for the headbutt all go aren't aren't going to go straight for the headbutt all right 99% of people will not go straight for the headbutt instead what they'll do is they will take the posture of someone who's about to throw a headbutt and then immediately

address the person and say what the fuck are you doing the fuck are you doing in the cue and then the other person turns around and goes, I'm really sorry, I've got irritable bowel syndrome. What? What the fuck are you doing jumping ahead of the queue? You haven't listened to the person because the rage will not allow any rational cognitive information to come in. The person whispers again, I've got irritable bowel syndrome. I'm so sorry. I really need to go to the toilet. I've got irritable bone syndrome. I'm so sorry.

I really need to go to the toilet. And now, suddenly dawns on you, oh fuck, I'm after screaming at someone for jumping the queue. I was ready to kick their fucking head in. You're not going to apologize because anger doesn't let you apologize.

Rage doesn't let you apologize. So instead, probably say something like, well, you shouldn't be jumping queues and then spend the rest of the time in the queue probably allow the person in front of you because they're going to shit themselves and silently wallow in a shame and embarrassment because that's the other problem with unhealthy expressions of rage it lives next door to shame because our society really it's embarrassing for an adult to express rage and hate you know for most people to you know to shout at someone in the queue of a

toilet or to call them a name and to have to stand there and they just told you they have IBS. That's a very, that's kind of a shameful situation. So if you're a person who has issues with unhealthy anger and you find yourself expressing unhealthy anger a lot, I would wager then that you're also in a continual cycle of shame and that reduces your self-esteem now back to the gendered thing um now this isn't absolute this isn't absolute across like women have issues with uh physical aggression expressions of rage in an aggressive fashion too i'm just saying because of how gender roles raise us it tends to be lads are the ones with the issue with expressing rage and then women have a different way of expressing equally unhealthy anger so this is where passive aggression comes in so to take it back to the the children

little boy is allowed to express rage he's allowed to smash his lego little girl is not that's unladylike she's allowed to cry so if a little girl feels upset she's allowed to instead of smashing her lego she can cry about it because it the lego didn't work out or whatever and the parents will reward the crying and the way that they reward the boys will be boys behavior so that can end up with adult women who express rage and anger in a different fashion in either through tears or through passive aggression

so if we say a person doesn't doesn't express rage and they also have the personal rule of someone must not jump the queue in the toilet and someone does jump the queue this person they feel

the anger they feel their fists clench their jaw clenches they shake with rage but it doesn't express itself you know healthy anger motivates you to assert yourself to say to the person excuse me you've just jumped ahead why is that healthy expression then the other unhealthy expression with rage who the fuck do you think you are you just jumped ahead accusatory tone the third on the second unhealthy response the passive-ag aggressive response, which is to do nothing. The person who isn't okay with getting that rage out, but instead internalizes it via passive aggression, they'll say fuck all.

The person will jump ahead and the passive aggressive person will stand there seething to the point that you can nearly hear their teeth chatter but say nothing. Not address the person in front of them. Not ask the question, why did you jump ahead of the queue? Instead stand there and allow themselves to be walked over. ahead of the queue instead stand there and allow themselves to be walked over um which is detrimental for that person too because the reason they're this has been triggered into internal rage is because they have um a strong rule about you must not jump queues if you jump queues it means you think you're better than me it means you are being rude

so it's very hurtful for this person but they're silently seething in the fucking rage and doing nothing about it the reason they're not doing anything about it and internalizing the rage is that they're terrified of that expression they're terrified of expressing that rage because passive-aggressive people have been raised not to express rage but to express it in different ways so like lashing out at the person that's going to have a detrimental effect on your self-esteem obviously because you have the shame of publicly embarrassing yourself, you had the shame of screaming at someone with IBS or whatever other situation, a waiter, do you know, your partner, your ma, your dog, your child, do you know, that's a common one with parents who have issues with fucking anger, you know, that's a real difficult one, children get annoying but the thing with children is that they're not,

difficult one children get annoying but the thing with children is that they're not a child isn't emotionally and mentally mature that they're they're entitled to be annoying you know but often adults who have issues with anger will give an adult amount of anger and rage at a child for banging their tie too loud you know which is very shameful then for the parent because they feel awful for having screamed at the child or hitting the child even but back to the passive aggressive person in the toilet queue they don't express their rage they silently sit with it it bubbles around inside them. Their face goes red. And they feel like a failure. They're terrified of confronting the person who they think has slighted them.

And this confirms to them that not only are they allowing themselves to be walked over, but they don't even have the courage to express it and it's a very very vicious cycle of unhealthy rage and shame self-deprecating shame which over time like that's a recipe for depression you know that's a recipe for mental health issues That's a recipe for depression, you know. That's a recipe for mental health issues. How does it express itself passive-aggressively then? I doubt in a situation where it's a toilet queue. You're never going to see that person again. But the passive-aggressive person,

they might truly struggle for the rest of the day with very violent fantasies of revenge. That's the other thing with anger, you can hand so much of your power and energy over to another person when you live with unhealthy anger. So passive aggressive person, you know, they haven't even enjoyed their time in the queue they could have taken out their phone they could have read a wikipedia article they didn't they tried to look at their phone and read it but it didn't work because the rage wouldn't even allow them to fucking look at the screen the person has gone in gone to the toilet passive-aggressive person has also gone to the toilet it's in a a supermarket, we'll say, or a...

What do you call them? Fucking shopping mall. Shopping centre. The rest of the passive-aggressive person's day is ruined. They went to the shopping centre to get a cup of coffee for themselves, to try and find a new book, to, you know, to...

see what's on in the cinema. Their day is now ruined because the passive-aggressive person is fantasizing about what they could have said in the queue to the person who skipped them. All the different scenarios of I should have said that,

I should have did this, that would have shown them, the fucking cunt, people are always walking ahead of me, walking ahead of me in queues, thinking they're better, one day I'll show them, and then they might fantasize about choking the person, or fantasize about screaming at them in public, and you know, looming over them, about screaming at them in public and you know looming over them, enacting revenge and this can

continue on for the rest of the day that's the danger of fucking anger unhealthy expressions of it, you carry it around for the rest of the fucking day so that's just one example healthy

expression, this is a motivational force. This healthily allows me to address the, it's objectively fair to say that if someone skips ahead of you in a queue for a toilet, 99% of people will go, that is grounds for someone getting checked. of people will go that is grounds for someone getting checked okay it is that's grounds to go hold on a second buddy what is going on a question unhealthy anger rage accusation you don't even take into consideration that the person jumping ahead may have needs may have a reason the person in this situation has IBS. What if the person doesn't have IBS? Like, this happened to me, actually. Yeah, I was in a queue in fucking the airport over in Malaga. Roaring hangover, my head up my arse.

And it was a stupid queue. It was the Ryanair fucking queue for the the baggage so to be honest it doesn't even matter where you are in the queue you know it really doesn't but this young Irish couple ahead of me eyed my head up my hole so I was looking left and right and they literally proper snakely jumped ahead. Like the wrong type of queue jump and just straight up, you're being a prick. And I didn't do or say anything about it because fear of confrontation.

It was like I had a hangover, it was the morning, I didn't want confrontation, part of me as well, rationalised it as, it doesn't matter, we're still getting on the same fucking plane, so, I kind of,

in a sense, I healthily dealt with it, because I said, do you know what, we're all going to get on the plane, at the same fucking time, so, it doesn't actually matter. It's not worth an argument.

They're just being silly. They think by jumping ahead that it gives them an advantage, but it doesn't at all. So I left it off for that reason because it was no point. But at the same time, it then started to spark in me insecurity which I had to then take responsibility for because the insecurity that it sparked was it was like it wasn't that they jumped ahead it was the who do they think they are that they can do it and for me because I would have been

I'd have been bullied when I was younger you know when I was a kid I would have been I'd have been bullied when I was younger you know when I was a kid I would have been bullied so I have to be mindful of certain things around that that I don't like I don't get bullied anymore put it that way I'm I'm a grown adult now and I'm very assertive and I'm not the type of person who gets bullied and I can express myself and I can assert myself. And the part of me that used to get bullied, that's me in the past, you know. And I'm glad to have conquered it and to have taken ownership of it. But I still can get a little bit triggered. And when they jumped ahead of me in the queue, it did trigger me a bit in that,

again, it got at my self-esteem for me it wasn't that they jumped ahead it was what is it about me that suggests to other people that I'm a walkover which is completely irrational do you know what I mean it's very very irrational I started to go into a very insecure place where I started to think is something about my body language is something about me do I look like a person who isn't deserving of the basic respect of fucking being in a queue they were just being opportunistic for the sake of it it's like here's an opportunity to jump the queue. Let's do it anyway.

It was silly. And they were only like 19. So I don't know what they're thinking is, but the behavior was irrational. It's what's the point in jumping a queue when there's no actual benefit to jumping it? But they did it. I ended up being angry about it for up until the gate of the plane. Put it that way.

I wasn't fuming, I wasn't furious, but Malaga airport, putting my fucking baggage in at Ryanair, that's done, then I have the security queue, then I had a full hour in lovely duty-free region, do you know, where I could have bought some spirits or bought some fucking wine, but the entirety of my time in duty-free region you know where I could have bought some spirits or bought some fucking wine but the entirety of my time in duty-free I certainly was not in the present moment I was not in the here and now I wasn't happy I wasn't enjoying my last moments in Spain I was instead in my own head going over who did they think they are that they could have jumped ahead of me and what is it about me that lets two strangers think

that I can be jumped ahead of. They wouldn't have done it to someone else. So think of all that wasted energy. All that power I've handed over to two strangers. An entire evening ruined. For nothing. They jumped ahead because that's just what these people do. They chanced their arm.

There's someone who chanced their arm. They're okay with conflict. And it's fine. And it doesn't affect me. And it didn't even matter. We both got onto the same fucking plane, I think I even got ahead of him, do you know,

but the reason I'm telling that story is that, it's an example of how, personal rules and anger, how you can, truly fucking waste your life, and waste your day, there is no greater waste of time than to

give emotional labor over to something that hasn't happened yet or has already happened and what i did in that moment is that i gave two hours of my time that I could have been using to instead of fucking mindfully enjoying the duty free and buying myself a bottle of limoncello which I'd intended to do I'd intended to buy limoncello in the duty free and I didn't it to do I'd intended to buy lemon cello in the duty-free and I didn't because I'd given so much of my energy towards a situation in the past that I couldn't change and that's the opposite of mindfulness when I speak about mindfulness that behavior is the exact opposite and I try very hard to not have any of that in my life. Because that's where sadness comes from. But for some people, a lot of their life is spent like that.

Passive aggressively fantasizing over what you could have said or would have said. Or what was it about you that another person felt that they could break one of your rules? Do you know? So, just a quick one. Identifying the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger. With unhealthy anger, you tend to be a hallmark is rigid demands or rules about how other people must behave insisting that other people don't insult or ridicule you you know again personal rules I must not be insulted in my existence in this earth I must not be insulted or ridiculed demanding that like

other people don't get in the way of what you want I am going to get what I want and no one's getting in the way assuming automatically that you're right and the other person is wrong and then the behaviour of how unhealthy anger manifests itself, wanting to attack someone, wanting to physically or verbally lash into someone, actually going ahead with it, you know, throwing someone a slap, screaming at someone's face, screaming at your child, kicking a dog or passive aggressively, you know, doing it via revenge or other ways or fantasizing about

hurting someone or fantasizing about someone getting their comeuppance and doing something really sneaky behind their back, ratting them out to the boss at work. I don't know, signing their fucking email up to a porn site. Revenge tactics. A good sign of unhealthy anger, unfortunately, is taking the anger out on innocent parties. It could be another person, it could be an animal, it could be an object object if your rage and anger is such that you're kicking a bin or slamming a door that's not good or punching a wall kicking a dog or most often being fucking horrible to someone in your life who really loves you and is close to you. And they're often the person who gets the brunt of anger because they won't reject you.

It could be your partner, it could be your parent, it could be a sibling, it could be a child. Being horrible to that person because they won't reject you and then feeling obviously intense shame for having done it and being scared to apologise because it's so embarrassing. Plotting revenge, holding a grudge, attempting to turn other people against the person

who has broken your rule, searching for evidence that the person is a horrible cunt you know you're furiously angry with someone so you refuse to allow in any positive information about the person because they are absolutely a cunt who's trying to hurt you and just in generally being over vigilant towards people who might break your personal rules that they don't know about physical characteristics

of unhealthy anger clenched fist clenched fist tension in your muscles, your neck, your shoulders, trembling, feeling hot, your heartbeat thumping, feeling a pain in your forehead. These are all the signs of unhealthy anger, of rage. and, you know, why does that exist? Of course it has a purpose. If you're fighting for your fucking life, if you're actually in a situation whereby you may die and you need to fight,

you need to dehumanize the other person, if it's an animal, if you need to smash something's head in with a rock, if you need to choke someone to death in the very rare occasion in this 21st century life where you find your life actually threatened then the emotional response of rage and hatred is very useful it's a survival technique but 99.9% of the time, it's unneeded. It's unhealthy. It will not improve the situation. So we can discard it.

We don't need to be doing that much unhealthy anger. Healthy anger. Instead of having rigid demands about how people must treat you and your rules about queue skipping or, you know, rules of the road or whatever the fuck. Or someone being rude to you in a restaurant or people saying hello to you or not saying hello to you. Instead of having these rigid rules, you just have strong preferences. So if you're in the queue for the toilet, like I it's it's reasonable and okay to have hold the position that I'm in the queue and I'm going to go to the toilet and the person behind me is going

to go to the toilet after me and if someone jumps this queue that's not good that's perfectly reasonable that that's a fine position to hold. But the healthy position is, I have a strong preference that someone doesn't jump ahead of me. And if someone does jump ahead of me, I'm going to ask them a couple of questions. That's fine. But it's not,

no one's jumping ahead of me. You must not jump ahead. And if you do jump ahead, that means you think you're better than me. And you're not. That's not going to help anyone. That attitude, that rigidity. You've got flexible rules about how,

you know, how you expect other people to behave. Strongly prefer that others don't insult or ridicule you. That's fine. You're going to get ridiculed. You're going to be insulted. In your life, this is going to happen. You will meet people who either don't respect you or are having a bad day. Like me in the airport.

People jumped ahead of me in the queue. They might have thought I was a sucker. That's possible. Or else that's just what they do but this happened to me and it's okay and it's going to happen again it doesn't reflect on me

you have a desire that other people and life conditions don't get in the way of you getting what you want again it's strong preference you're entitled to get what you want you're entitled to get what you want again it's strong preference you're entitled to get what you want you're entitled to get what you want without other people getting in the way but be flexible around it don't be rigid sometimes people will and that's okay um healthy anger you tend to consider the other person's point of view

rage will not allow this when the person jumps the queue healthily you go I wonder why that person thinks that's okay with rage and unhealthy anger it's there's none of this you're not thinking about the other person's point of view they've simply broken a rule and they must be punished whereas healthy you go fuck it maybe that person is in distress I'm curious as to why this person has just jumped ahead of me and like I said in the scenario I described that person had IBS it's very common people with IBS um or other bowel disorders they really sometimes need to jump the queue or they need to go into the disabled toilets you know a person with healthy anger, the way they behave is they're assertive. Acting assertive means that you're comfortable and confident in standing up for your own rights.

You're not scared. An assertive person in a queue has no problem going to the person who jumped ahead and said can you explain yourself the person who's consumed by rage they're either blurting out sheer anger or they're scared to go there they're scared to say to the person why they did jump ahead because of the emotion that might come out. Someone with healthy anger, they'll stay in the situation with the intent of resolving it. So if someone jumps ahead in the queue and you experience healthy anger,

it's only about the queue. What it's about is you've jumped ahead of me, this means that I'm going to get to the toilet it's only about the cue. What it's about is, you've jumped ahead of me, this means that I'm going to get to the toilet in a less amount of time. Can we solve this? And is there room for me to compromise depending on your position?

With rage and unhealthy anger, there's none of that. Once the person jumps ahead of you in the cue and you are filled with rage, it's no longer about you needing to take a piss. It's no longer about the queue. It is only about winning, losing and who thinks they're better than the other person. It has nothing to do with the actual situation at hand. That's core difference between rage, unhealthy anger and healthy anger.

It's the rational mechanics of the situation at hand. Me in the airport, like I said, one half of me handled it correctly. I looked at the situation. The situation was, even though these people have jumped ahead of me, we're still getting to the airplane at the exact same time therefore conflict is unnecessary so I made a healthy choice in the moment to not engage conflict and to just let them ahead who cares but it was later that it was other shit that triggered me around my own self-esteem um a healthy anger is where you request the other person to modify their behavior and you respect their right to disagree with you so

you kind of go you're after jumping ahead there do you mind stepping back and if the person says look I really need to go to the toilet chances are you probably just go fair enough if the other person's flat out being a prick you kind of have to the best way to go there is you go are you not embarrassed and if the type of person who's shameless you make a choice there and then you go i might leave him ahead of me it doesn't matter that much if it's something that really matters you look at the structures that are available to you call the call security do you know be that person if you have to don't be that person if it just means being right. Be that person if the person jumping ahead of you in the queue

has actually caused a noticeable negative effect on your day. If you might miss a flight, if you are missing out on something, that's when you're entitled to get security involved. Don't get security involved because this person jumped ahead of me how dare you now i'm getting security to show you that you're wrong that's passive aggression that's seeking out punishment and there's a distinction between the two um a healthily angry person they look for evidence that the other person may not have behaved with malicious intent

you search for the reason why the other person is behaving in a way that you disagree with and you don't immediately go to they're an absolute cunt you go for

there might be a reason here being able to forgive and forget healthy anger there might be a reason here. Being able to forgive and forget. Healthy anger allows someone to forgive. Unhealthy anger doesn't. It's too wrapped up in shame. So, like, how do we deal with this, lads? If a lot of this stuff I'm saying is ringing true with you.

And this is one of those things. Everyone can relate to this. Everyone can relate to healthy and unhealthy anger. It's just some people might live their lives more in the unhealthy than the healthy. But all of us fly off the handle every so often, you know. It's about minimizing it it but other people struggle and it happens a lot and there's lads I know who have gotten themselves in very

very serious trouble because of fucking anger there's lads I know who've really hurt other people they've you know they get into fucking fights outside supermax I've got friends who've really hurt other people. They get into fucking fights outside Supermax. I've got friends who ended up in jail because of throwing punches or picking up a glass because of fucking anger.

So it's very destructive. I know people who've had to leave relationships because of anger and because of expressing it through passive aggression, because of se and because of expressing it through passive aggression because of seething with it it's a really fucking destructive one and it is completely it's unnecessary we don't need it we don't need all that unhealthy anger there's a way around it simplest way going back to our CBT. First off, understand your personal rules.

Okay, so what do we do when we're doing CBT? We have our ABC form. Next time you get unhealthily angry, right, and learn, like I said there, I just listed out the checkpoints for when you're unhealthily angry. Are you experiencing rage are you shaking do you fantasize about revenge do you know that's a sign of unhealthy anger unjustified anger when that happens write down a what is the activating event someone skipped ahead of me in the queue um My close personal friend,

I think that they slagged me in front of my other friends. Do you know, it can get very, anger can get very seething and personal when it comes to relationships and friendships too, you know, really unconscious shit where you think the other person is putting you down all the time and they mightn't be and it can really seed for a long time to the point that that's the weird thing with

relationships is you could have a friend who you're angry with over a long period of time and a good portion of your day can be spent fantasizing about putting them in their place and when it comes to actually doing it you can't because you're shaking and you can't express the most basic of emotions because you're up at a hundred and they're down at zero unaware that you're secretly hating them and the problem there is probably you what what which one of your rules are being broken what is your friend doing you know there's the thing find the activating event write your out your personal rules the personal rules that you hold to yourself the shoulds and the musts the unrealistic standards that you are holding another person to. That is causing them to break your imaginary rules every day and upset you.

Write those out. A. B. The behaviour. How are you behaving now as a result of this? C. The emotions that you're experiencing. Although wait, no, I got it arseways a activating event be your emotions and then c is the behavior isn't it your thoughts influence your emotions

which then influence your behavior yeah So have a lash of that. With the anger. With each triggering event. Write it down in front of you. And be honest. Yesterday. I don't know, I'm trying to think of examples. Yesterday I met my friend.

And they were in a bit of a mood and they were rude to me. And it made me feel really small. And then I spent the rest of the day really angry and thinking about choking him. Write that down. Write it down, write down on a sheet of paper your violent fantasy or you dreamt about throwing your coffee at him or screaming into their face write it down only you can see it and then when it's there in front of you and you're looking at I wanted to pour coffee on my friend Brendan when it's on the piece of paper you'll go

holy fuck that's a bit irrational isn't it I don't really want to pour coffee on him I don't actually want to scream in his face I just wish he'd stop doing that small thing how have I allowed it get such situation in my head where I'm thinking about choking someone write it down see the irrationality on the page take it outside of yourself and then you go wow that's that's quite a lot of that's some unhealthy thoughts for me to be carrying around all day I'd like to eradicate that and change your rules you know once you have your rules down once you go um my if your rule is my close friends must be nice to me every time they meet me, and then your friend Brendan has broken that rule by being rude that morning, you go for that rule and you go, instead of must, you go,

I would like it if my friends were nice to me every morning. Instead of fantasising about choking Brendan, of fantasizing about choking Brendan think about I wonder what the reasons were that Brendan didn't say hello to me I wonder what's going on for him now all of a sudden you're in empathy land you're in compassion land now you you're now looking at your friend Brendan as a human being with emotions and with their own problems maybe Brendan was not aware at all that he was being rude to you. Because he has his own shit going on. Now you're thinking about reaching out to Brendan and asking him how he's getting on. That's a real friendship.

That's a relationship. And here's the beauty about that, about using empathy. So here's the beauty about about that about using empathy so when someone breaks one of your personal rules and makes you feel great anger okay and rage when you act on that rage and you physically hit them or you scream at them right and it's unjustified because like I said 99% of the time it's unjustified unless your life is being threatened so let's say your friend Brendan was rude to you yesterday morning and you you want Brendan Brendan has to be nice to you every

time he meets you because that's your rule so let's just say later that night you scream at Brendan you're a fucking rude cunt, I hate you you're a prick, nobody likes you you fucking cunt or whatever rage, the idiot wind as Bob Dylan calls it Bob Dylan's got a song called Idiot Wind and it's about every time him and his wife argue they scream and roar insults at each other, but because they're both gripped by blind rage,

it's idiot wind. They're both idiots in that moment. They're not speaking the truth. They're saying things simply to hurt the other person. That's one of the other destructive things about rage and unhealthy anger. Do you ever get into an argument with someone you really care about

and you're blind with rage and all of a sudden you're saying these horrible things that you don't mean at all and they come out of your mouth and you wish you could take them back but you can't. That's what rage does. That's the idiot wind and it's very very embarrassing when things cool down you feel like a piece of shit so here's the beauty of you know like I said they're the CBT model when conquering rage so you're looking at your personal rules and what's been broken and you're thinking okay Brendan didn't say hello to me this morning instead of thinking he's a rude prick who's trying to hurt you, you go immediately to maybe Brendan's not doing so well. Compassion. If you act on the rage and later on that night you call Brendan a selfish cunt, that lowers your self-esteem, that lowers your self-worth.

When you give in to an unhealthy emotion, it lowers your sense of self. The thing that keeps you happy and grounded. When you challenge the unhealthy emotion and reach instead for compassion, it raises your self-esteem. So, alternative scenario. Brendan doesn't say hello to you, your best friend.

You're annoyed about it because you'd like it for your best friend to be nice to you in the morning that's an okay thing to want your uh you have a preference for that so later on that night instead of going to Brendan with rage and saying fuck you for ignoring me this morning people could have been watching that was that could have been embarrassing instead of going there you go to Brendan and you say Brendan to be honest man you were a small bit rude this morning or a little bit off I'm just wondering are you okay and then Brendan tells you yeah I haven't been doing great at the moment when you do that when you reach into your own compassion and use empathy to reach out to another person

to diffuse anger, that's true adult behaviour. And your self-esteem grows. Your sense of self-worth grows the more you do that. The more you use compassion and empathy complex fucking emotions that require you know the marriage of cognitive and emotive thought when you do that it's like you're not only yourself not only does your self-esteem grow

but your personal issues with anger that's what chips them away the act of doing that's what that's what stops you being a slave to the unhealthy emotion when you use empathy and compassion to defeat them and before long you turn into a person who no longer has an issue with unhealthy anger, who, a person who assertively deals with conflict through compassion. Like, that's a fantastic goal, that's a great way to be happy. You know, you're the person in the queue, and when someone jumps ahead of you in the toilet, you're immediately going for,

what must be wrong with this person that they've jumped ahead and you ask them why have you jumped ahead are you okay and they might turn around to you and say I'm not okay I really need to jump ahead or they're just rude and if they're just rude. And if they're just rude, because you've gone there with compassion, you don't really care that your personal rule has been broken. You just go, I might just let this rude person ahead of me for the piss so I can have a quiet day

and enjoy this article on my phone that I've been reading. I certainly will not be carrying them around at me for the rest of the day through anger do you get me and a good thing and the other thing as well I have to learn to put up with other humans we live in a world with other human beings and other human beings will be a continual source of disappointment you are going to be disappointed in your life. You're going to be insulted. Someone's going to offend you. Someone's going to try and hurt you.

People will act without your best interests at hand. People will think they're better than you. People will try and walk over you. You can try and catch most of these things in their tracks. But a lot of the time, they're just going to slip through. And that's okay. It's part of the tapestry of human existence. You can't have it perfectly all the time.

You can't not have people offending you. You can't not have people hurting your feelings. This is part of being alive build up your armor and accept that other people are infallible imperfect human beings okay to have strong rules and preferences around politeness or around rules it kind of assumes that other people are privy to these things or it assumes that other people are fully functional humans

or that other people have had the type of upbringing where these things were valued or that other people had happy childhoods some people carry around an awful lot of pain and they're they express this destructively you know and it doesn't make it okay but you're going to run into those people you're going to run into someone with a lot of pain inside them and they deal with this through destruction and you might be in that path and this is going to happen

and that's part of human existence. So that's my ramble on anger. I hope you enjoyed it. Before I fuck off, how are we doing time-wise? I'd say that was a long one, was it? 79 minutes. Do you know we haven't had

a long podcast in a while um i'm gonna take one question before i fuck off i'm always ranting and not taking enough questions i'm gonna take an agony ant one every so often i get agony ant style questions either through the patreon or through instagram DMs or on Snapchat. So I got one from, an interesting one from a lad called Darmot. And Darmot's, hold on now, it's in Snapchat, so I'm trying to save it in Snapchat so I can read it. So Darmot asks,

How are you blind boy? I've no doubt that you are tortured with requests. I figured it'd be no harm to stick this in writing anyway and it might be a topic or question that you get a chance to cover on the podcast someday. It's to do with retroactive jealousy. Oh, basically, I was married for two years and separated last March. I've been seeing a lovely girl since July and things have been going great. You probably think the retroactive jealousy is in relation to her and my marriage but quite the opposite. She has no issue with my past and has been more than great about it all. I'm the dick getting caught up overthinking about her past and in particular one 10-month sort of relationship she had with a fella in her friend group. They are still in a big friend group,

but she assures me there is no desire or feeling there, and I do believe her. All right, Dermot. First off, first off you need to use a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy around jealousy right it's quite obvious you are not in the right in this respect

retroactive jealousy it's a highly highly irrational fantasy it's a highly highly irrational fantasy it's a really look here's here's the here's where you should be going to darn it right this is the reality of the situation people who get excessively jealous in relationships tend to have very very strong personal rules about how another person must be. Okay, so what are your personal rules around how your girlfriend must behave? Try and write them out. I'll take a guess at them.

She must only be attracted to me. She must not be attracted to other men she must love me and me alone um she must adore me things like that these tend to be the the secret hidden rules of people who suffer from jealousy right those are unrealistic here here the facts of the matter and this goes for fucking everyone if you're an adult in an adult relationship everybody in a relationship with somebody that they love should be meditating on these facts, all right? The person who you love, right, they fancy other people.

This is a fact, okay? Your girlfriend of 20 years, your wife, your husband, the parent of your children, who loves you and is devoted to you, they want to have sex with other people this is a guarantee this is natural this is part of being human right sometimes the person who you are love and is devoted to you sometimes they will look at you and they will think to themselves I could have done better. Sometimes they'll fantasize about what their life would be like

if they were with another person that other person could be one of your friends. The reason this happens is because that's just how humans are okay there's nothing wrong with wanting fidelity and monogamy these are completely normal things to want they're healthy things to want but you cannot demand that another person is 100% faithful in how they think all the time. It's not how humans work. And when your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of the night and looks at you and thinks, I could have done better, tomorrow she will be thinking, no, he's perfect, he's the best in the whole world.

Because humans fluctuate, Humans are fallible. Humans make mistakes. Humans doubt themselves. If you truly, truly love this girl, Dermot, right? If you really love her and you want to be with her, the greatest gift that you can give her, okay? Allow her the freedom to be a human being ok

to have strong rules that she must not be attracted to other men that she must never cheat on you that she must not think about cheating on you to have these rules means that you're not allowing her to be a human humans are fallible. Humans aren't monogamous.

Society is monogamous. Humans aren't. Doesn't mean that you have to put up with someone cheating on you all the time. If fucking you want a monogamous relationship that's not fair but you have to allow someone their fallibility and humanity to be able to want someone else and to fluctuate between how much they desire you and how much they like you and for you to have the self-esteem this ultimately comes down to self-esteem you need to have to work on your own self-worth to the point that

it doesn't matter if sometimes she fancies her fucking maybe she does maybe she doesn't at all maybe she genuinely has no interest whatsoever in that valet that she was with before maybe she actually doesn't at all maybe she genuinely has no interest whatsoever in that valid that she was with before maybe she actually doesn't at all maybe sometimes she doesn't and every so often she might have a

wank about a fuck they had 10 months ago these are all parts of being human being but it shouldn't matter to you what should matter is you're an independent human being and your significant other's behaviour or how much they desire another human being has no impact whatsoever on your self-worth. You are who you are. It's as simple as that. Allow her the humanity

to be fallible. And if both of ye can do that for each other you're sorted think about it it's the mad thing about human relationships if you ever feel yourself getting jealous or making demands on we'll say your romantic partner

think about applying the same rules to one of your best friends like because human relationships human romantic relationships are weird because physical attraction is an element the the ideal relationship romantic relationships that all people should be looking for in my opinion is can you find the best friend who happens to have a set of genitals that you're interested in if you can get that you're sorted for life that's all you want a best friend and ask yourself about your current romantic partner if this person did not have interesting genitals would they still be my best friend do you know what i mean but think about your best friends how do you choose them you don't you just find them

like someone from me if i'm close to a friend it's usually just sense of humor it's not interests like i know plenty of people who are into the same music as me as into the same art that doesn't mean I get along with them what connects people usually is sense of humor do you laugh together at the same shit that's what connects people imagine I told you you have to go out there now and try and choose a best friend but you have to do it based on hair color that's romantic relationships you're searching for the best friend but you're essentially being tied back by physical attraction because everyone has different tastes with physical attraction so you're like oh yeah i fancy her based on these this physical

kind of desire and this chemistry. But there's no guarantee that that person can be a best friend. That's what makes it so fucking rare. Is that a rant? That was a little side-tracking rant about human attraction. Find a best friend with interesting genitals, everybody. If you can. That's all you're looking for. That is the best anyone with interesting genitals everybody if you can that's all you're looking for that that is that is the best anyone can hope for best friend with interesting genitals but uh darn it um if you continue on with that line of of retrospective jealousy

it's just not going to end up well for you you know it'll be a self self-fulfilling prophecy there's no it's it's very difficult to express jealousy in a relationship without also coming across as as very controlling and nobody likes that feeling would you be best friends with somebody who's trying to control you you wouldn't which are best like think of your best friends darn it think of how fallible you allow them to be think of how you laugh together when they fuck up think of how you embrace their you know their flaws the things that they don't like about themselves are the things that you like about them try and find that energy and bring it towards a romantic relationship allow her to be a fallible human being who every so often might want to be attracted to lads who aren't you and for you to be able to go that's okay do you know why it's okay because

it's normal that's how humans are and me asking her to only be attracted to me all the time that is an unrealistic standard that doesn't exist and if i do that if i hold that rule i am setting myself up for disappointment because it's not fair on her and it's hard work obviously won't happen overnight but meditate on it take it on board be really really comfortable learn to get comfortable with the with the reality of she likes me every so often she likes someone else too and that's okay alright I'm gonna leave you go that was a long bye that was a really long bye em

God bless I'll see you next week em I hope the sound was okay I think it's not too bad quite happy with this studio setup go fuck yourselves. Thank you. rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch

your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com