The Blindboy Podcast - The Gonad Archipelago

Episode Date: August 19, 2020

I react to finding out that I'm being monitored by the Irish Government for my political beliefs. Also, How I tackle feelings of insecurity and dread when I wake up in the mornings. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hark you crusty Sullivans, welcome to the Blind Buy Podcast. If you're a brand new listener to this podcast, maybe go back to some of the earlier episodes. And if you're a regular listener, stick around you gorgeous boys and girls. I've had a bit of a strange week because I found out that my social media activity is being monitored by the Irish government. Which is, just feels a bit weird, and I don't know if it's ethical or not. The Department of Justice, the Irish Department of Justice, has been monitoring people on Twitter who have a sizable following,

who have been critical of direct provision, which is direct provision, I've spoken about it many times in this podcast i've had people from direct provision speaking on this podcast direct provision is an incredibly inhumane and cruel system in ireland where asylum seekers are essentially interned they're kept in internment a glorified prison it's i view it as an abuse of human rights and the irish government has been created criticized by foreign governments for direct provision i don't like it i think people who seek asylum should be treated with dignity and humanity instead we have direct provision which is internment that is for profit as well,

which is something that turns my stomach. There are private tax money pays to intern people who are seeking asylum, and the money is then paid to private individuals and businesses who profit from human misery and so the department of justice are monitoring anyone with a sizable following who's speaking out about it negatively specifically they're interested in anybody who's comparing direct provision to ireland's magdalene laundries which is something i've been saying for a long time i i do believe in ireland we had the scandal of the magdalene laundries which is something I've been saying for a long time I do believe in Ireland we had the scandal of the Magdalene laundries

which were the Catholic Church would imprison and intern women who it believed to be quote unquote fallen and they were severely abused and it was kept behind high walls and this was all up until the 90s in Ireland from the 1950s onwards

no Magdalene laundries have been around longer than that I believe that And this was all up until the 90s in Ireland, from the 1950s onwards. No, Magdalene laundries have been around longer than that. I believe that direct provision is my generation's Magdalene laundries. I think it's a horrendous system and I'd like it to end. So the Department of Justice have been monitoring my online activity, filing it in reports which they then which they then present to the government and not just me um they've been doing it to asylum seekers asylum seekers who are on twitter who are speaking about their experiences speaking about the human rights abuses that they're experiencing they've been monitoring uh hosier is another person that

that's been monitored and the writer marion keys so the irish independent managed to break this story under the freedom of information act and i just think it's weird i think it's fucking strange i wonder is it a violation of my gdpr I mean, I'm saying this shit publicly. I'm saying it on Twitter for anybody to see. Okay, it's on Twitter for anybody to see. I'm open and vocal about trying to raise awareness for direct provision because the government don't speak about it. They don't want people to speak about it.

Right now, at the height of the coronavirus situation, there's outbreaks in direct provision centers because people living in direct provision interned in direct provision they can't socially distance you've several people to a room and you're getting clusters of covid19 and it's a stain on the country I believe in speaking about it I believe in supporting an organisation called Massey which is a charity organisation that tries to end direct provision and raise awareness to direct provision

and this has gotten me on like a government fucking watch list or something and it just feels creepy and strange and odd and it's not going to stop me i'm not going to i'm 100 within my right my fucking taxes pay for the government to take those taxes and treat people in an inhumane fashion so i I don't want my taxes spent like that.

I live in a democracy. I'm entitled. To be critical of the government. I'm entitled to criticise their policy. I'm entitled to use my platform to speak about it. And. To be put on a list is weird as fuck. It's weird as fuck.

And I hope. I don't know. Someone fucking legal, someone keeps an eye on it, because it's just, it's, it's, it's, what do they do with that thing, what does that mean for me now, what does that mean in 10 years, the only good thing about it is they called me an artist, in the, in the report where it mentions uh blind by referred to direct provision on this date blind by compared direct provision to magdalene laundries at least they referred to me as an artist because when when my books are getting reviewed they're not calling me an artist they're calling me a novelty act so thank you to the department of justice for at least acknowledging

that i'm an artist but yeah that's been my week it hasn't I mean I'm there with like Christy Moore fucking Hosier Marion Keys a lot of journalists are on it there's quite a lot of people but it's weird what else can I say about it

it's weird and strange and I don't know if it's right maybe be a bit more honest about it what makes me uncomfortable it's the tone of the reports it's what they're interested in

it's clearly like it's the reports are almost like the cat's out of the bag, lads. It's like the Department of Justice saying the cat is out of the bag. These people are speaking about things we don't want them to speak about. And the reports reveal a kind of a government insecurity about specifically what they don't want people saying about direct provision.

So what seems to be a big trigger for them is when you compare direct provision to the magdalene laundries which i 100 do absolutely it is internment of innocent people it's deliberate secrecy i think the most shocking and the most shocking shit about direct revision is gonna come out in 10 years right I think shit's happening now that we don't even know behind closed doors and high walls

like Magdalene Laundries em Magdalene Laundries were also exploited for profit Magdalene Laundries they used to export the labour of the women in Magdalene Laundries, they used to export the labour of the women in Magdalene Laundries to fucking

the company that made Buckaroo Games in the 90s. There was women making these games. The same shit that I don't like about Magdalene Laundries is also what I don't like about Direct Provision. So the report seemed to have take issue with anyone comparing direct provision

to magdalene laundries it also which i found strange it anytime a person critiqued direct provision and related it back specifically to the government was also something that got flagged, which I did, because it's the government that oversee direct provision. Massey, which is a charity organisation, as I mentioned, it accused Massey of capitalising on the attention that direct provision was receiving from people like myself and Marion Keys and Christy Moore and Hosier, which I just don't like that language. Capitalising. Capitalising. The only people I see fucking capitalising are the government taking tax money

to run direct provision centres for the direct profit of private individuals. They've managed to turn human misery into a product that can be milked for profit they're that's the only people i see capitalizing on direct provision i don't see massey which is a charity organization that wants to end direct provision raise awareness for a direct provision they're not capitalizing they're uh an organization that's set up to try and stop what it perceives as human rights abuses so it's that's disappointing I'm fucking disappointed it doesn't feel

like that doesn't feel like democratic freedom alright it feels like real sneaky monitoring and at the very least and as well lads I'll tell you the journalist who found that out I think was Ellen Kine

who is a brilliant journalist and she's been doing fantastic work for a few years but like that's why we need to support journalism as well that's what good journalism is good journalism is when someone has the resources to... Now, I'm no fan of the fucking independent.

But Ellen, as a journalist, she was given the resources to go, what's the government up to? What can we get here from the Freedom of Information Act? Oh, fuck, they're monitoring people on social media who are critical of direct provision. Holy shit. People need to find out about this. And.

That's what journalists do. Because. If you don't have properly funded journalists. Then no one's looking at that. And that shit goes under the carpet. This is embarrassing. For the government. That's weird as fuck.

Monitoring people's tweets. and putting it into reports. Odd. And then you're going, am I on a list now? Am I on a fucking list? Does the state now view me as a radical? Am I a troublemaker? Is my name going to be... If I go to America, is this information given to the Yanks?

And now the Yanks, when I try and get into america am i brought into that fucking room where my political beliefs are they're going well the irish government is interested in your in your tweets talking about direct provision we need to know about you because they can do that shit when you try and go into america and it all feels wrong, I wonder is it in accordance with my GDPR rights, around my personal data should they not fucking ask you, you know I know you put your tweets out in public

but we're about to put these into a government report here, can we have permission first, you can in your fuck is what I would have said no you can't, that's my data, that's mine I intend this for public tweets but not for fucking government reports

so fair play to good journalism finds that shit out if that if a journalist didn't take it upon themselves to search for this information under freedom of information I wouldn't know about it you wouldn't

know about it and we increasingly have an issue now in ireland too where journalism is is being so poorly funded um like journalism's taken a big hit. The internet has, like many things, has really hit journalism over the years. Coronavirus has made a huge hit on journalism because there's not as much digital spend. So a lot of journalists have been laid off. And what a trend I'm seeing emerging, which is worrying,

is a lot of journalists, instead of holding power to account which is what a journalist should do hold power to account ask questions of power like journalism is an essential part of democracy fucking essential journalists are the people who impartially keep the government in fucking check and make sure the government aren't doing anything underhanded and that journalists are the people to go, is there transparency? Great, give us a look at everything and if there's something there we don't like,

we feel a duty to tell everybody because we're journalists. Is that alright? That's a cornerstone of democracy. It's a cornerstone of democracy. And there's Irish journalists now who are on Twitter in particular really licking the arses off our politicians. Really saying things that don't challenge power at all, but instead echo government spin. and the reason this trend is occurring within journalism is quite a lot of journalists are leaving journalism because their

careers are under threat because they don't know whether they have a job leaving journalism and instead taking up positions as special advisers to the government, because there's lots of money there, and there's a guaranteed job. So you've got two camps of journalists now. You've got ones who are not challenging power, sucking up to the government, repeating spin, in the hope that they get noticed, and the government goes,

that journalist there, they don't seem to critique us they seem to instead of critiquing us this journalist seems to repeat what we want people to believe excellent consider them for a job as a special advisor we'll give them a pension as well and that's happening that and that's really fucking worrying i I mean, right now in Ireland, there's been a bit of a spike again in coronavirus cases. A lot of these things, a lot of the spikes are as a result of the most marginalized people who are unable to socially distance. People in direct provision centers and people working in like the meatpacking industry who are very low paid, often migrant workers who can't socially distance. And this is a bit of a scandal. It's a bit of a scandal and it lies on the shoulders of the government. They don't really want people talking about it.

So at the weekend there, there was a bar in Dublinlin and someone threw a fucking party and the party got out of hand and people got drunk and nobody was social distancing and it was atrocious videos leaked everyone was fucking mingling pouring drinks into each other's mouths a hotbed for coronavirus nobody approves of that i saw saw that and I said, what a fucking disappointment, all right? But as soon as I saw young people enjoying themselves, but enjoying themselves recklessly in terms of a pandemic, recklessly, shouldn't have done it. Everyone who was participating in that is wrong and they shouldn't have done it and I don't agree with it. But as soon as I saw it, I said, fuck.

Now I know what the government are going to do. They're going to seize upon this party, speak about that, and then not speak about their own shortcomings with meat processing plants and with direct provision centres and with the clusters that are happening there now they have their distraction because psychologically it works

you have young they were all young trendy people having fun and we like to hate that you know most people like to hate that you see fucking people people in their 20s having a fucking laugh dressing in cool clothes i'm in my 30s and there's a part of me that goes you fucking pricks i'd love to i'd love to be 22 wearing cool clothes not giving a shit about nothing i hate you now i don't but i'm saying this is we as humans we tend to there's a part of us that doesn't like not doesn't like

we're envious of youth we're envious of freedom all right you're we're envious of people who look cool we're envious of people who appear to be expressing freedoms. Like, I'm from fucking, I'm from Limerick. So, you see someone go down the street and they're dressing in really trendy clothes or they've got their hairstyle is out there and they're drawing attention and they're expressing themselves and your first reaction is what a fucking prick i bet they think they're great and we all do it like what the fuck is that why if you see someone care like caring about fashion looking good looking looking desirable drawing attention expressing themselves our first reaction is what a fucking prick like what the fuck is that because the person essentially they're doing something good they're their

freedom of expression they love their clothes they care about fashion they're entitled to feel feel and look confident this is something we should be celebrating but yes all of us tend to have a knee-jerk reaction of that fucking prick they think they're class they think they're great and what is it it's it's because we're all a little bit insecure and when someone does that that we envy their courage we envy maybe i'd like to have the cool fucking jeans or the cool haircut and the youth and the desirability maybe i'd like that but well i'm too old now but even when i was fucking younger and i'd be this sees people the same age as me expressing fashion or hairstyles or confidence and I'd feel that person thinks they're great it's because it makes me feel insecure it reminds me of my fear to do that it's why we hate hipsters it's why we hate trendy people and it's fine it's a normal human reaction so long as you don't run

with it you know you're entitled if if if you see someone like that in a sense of begrudgery comes up it's okay for that to be a knee-jerk reaction so long as you challenge it so long as you challenge it you don't run with it and you go hold on a second i'm wrong that person isn't harming me harming me that's this is actually my problem so fair play to them if they want to be fucking cool fair play to them just don't run with the feeling so in relation to this party that happened at the weekend where people weren't respecting social distancing and it got really out of hand and the videos leaked and it was the biggest story in the fucking news over the weekend and how that will be spun the government wants to see that and they want us

to say to ourselves i'd love to be standing on a bar with a fucking mohawk drinking whiskey out of the bottle look how cool he looks what a fucking prick you're gonna kill my grandmother with your coronavirus i don't feel that way obviously i'm saying this is this is a knee-jerk reaction and when this when this when that comes up in me i challenge it i go hold on a second blind boy that's you being insecure projecting all your insecurities on an innocent party and you actually resent them for their youth and trendiness of which you no longer have access to because you're in your 30s cop onto yourself and make yourself some porridge will you and get interested in the color beige that's what i do to myself but it's storytelling what what we often care about lads and governments understand this is the best story and the best story is the spike in coronavirus is caused by

young, young, cool, reckless, trendy people drinking and fucking each other. That's who's causing it. And then everyone can go,

yeah, look at all them with their cool jeans fucking each other. Bastards. It's their fault. And house parties shouldn't be happening. People shouldn't be happening people shouldn't young

people shouldn't be fucking going mad not respecting social distancing but and then you say but blind by a huge amount of the recent cases are actually people under the age of 40 does that not mean that they're all having house parties and fucking each other maybe some of them maybe that's where some of the cases are coming from but also young people are the ones on the front line these are the people working in shops these are the people with the most amount of interaction with the public because people who are older might have office jobs and are able to work from home so there's that too but that doesn't work as a narrative because that doesn't tie in with concepts such as sin and shame and abstinence and all this catholic shit that comes up on us no no they're all drinking and fucking each other and that's going to kill my grandmother

in terms of the bigger issue that that's not really the problem the problem is the big problem there's people living in direct provision who can't socially distance because there's nine of them to a fucking room and they're interned and we're seeing clusters. And there's the poorest of the poor are working in meat processing plants or other industries. And I don't know. I don't know what the fuck's happening there. But clusters are happening in these situations. And that lies upon the government.

That's a scandal. But they don't want us to think about that or to talk about it so they go look at those people they're 22 and they have cool hair and they're fucking each other on a bar with whiskey and then there you go there's your big shiny cool thing to get pissed off about and lo and behold what happens today today the government announced uh no restrictions because of spikes in coronavirus what's the first thing the t-shirt talks about the horrendous scenes at the weekend at that bar uh no mention of direct provision no mention of meat processing plants and oh by the way we've given the police new powers in Ireland so they

they can now enter your home without a warrant if they think that there's a house party going on which I just feel that's going to be abused you know but no mention of. Direct provision.

And fucking. Meat. Meat packing industry. Where we're seeing huge clusters. No mention of that. Because there's a lovely tidy narrative. About some young cool people. Who.

Were extravagant. Gluttons. And they were. And they were wrong. But it's just one incident. It's not systemic and it shifts eyes away from the responsibility of the people in power.

And how the fuck did I get onto this? Spin. That's government spin. Controlling the narrative to control how we the public behave and what you need is a journalist to go no no no hold on a second you're you're annoyed about those young people drinking in the bar and not socially distancing no no no that's just one little incident all right and that bar is going to shut down and we're going to make sure that doesn't happen again, and you're entitled to be angry about it, but however, it's a distraction

from something much bigger that's happening over here, and this much bigger thing is actually a scandal, and the government is responsible, same thing with fucking nursing homes, and good journalism goes, stop being distracted by this thing, That sexy thing there, don't mind that. Here's the bigger picture. Here's facts. Here's information. Here's the real thing that you should be angry about. Because I'm holding the government to account.

But if you have journalists instead going, Do you know what? I think I'm going to get pissed off with young people in house parties instead. And I'm going to write an opinion piece in the newspaper about this. Because I don't know if I'll have a job in this newspaper next year. And I think the government are going to give me a job as a special advisor. So it's a toxic system. And finding out that there's a fucking...

What a waste of resources. Someone got paid taxes. To look through fucking my tweets and christy moore's tweets and marion keys's tweets the fuck is that grow up and just regarding their the importance of journalism how do you support journalism directly all right uh if if you have a newspaper that you enjoy subscribe to them literally take because or buy the physical newspapers that that's it's a nice feeling of purchasing a newspaper and reading it that's that's a good mindful experience it'll take your eyes away from the phone there's no harm in doing that the old school way or just subscribe if it's the newspaper that you like if this gives you the content that subscription is worth a hell of a lot more than just clicks clicks and ads clicks and ads is a shitty way to support journalism

um like the work that i did like i'm not a fucking, I'm not a journalist, but my recent BBC series was journalism, now what happened there is the BBC gave me huge resources for a year to, me to come up with hot takes like I do with this podcast, but we employed a team of shit hot investigative journalists for a year to be paid properly and to do their job and as a result of that BBC series that I made A Blind Boy Undestroys The World

we exposed some serious shit we exposed some the journalists exposed some serious shit and then I took that information this rigorous information that they'd put hours of professional work into and then i create an entertaining narrative or narrative around it to democratize it to deliver it as entertainment so that it's consumed and engaging that's my role i'm not a journalist i'm a storyteller i will take the boring facts and data that a journalist will unearth and then i go well how can i turn this spin as well i mean

spin is is what i do that's my hot take is spin the thing is though i try and keep my hot takes ethical i don't punch down with my hot takes. My BBC series Blind by Undestries. Is full of hot takes. But these hot takes are informed by journalism. And they confront power. We did one episode. About modern slavery. About the huge exploitation.

Of migrant workers. In the UK. Who are. of migrant workers in the UK who are really, really being exploited in industries such as building, in fruit picking, being forced and coerced into sex work that they don't want to do. And that's all possible because a team of journalists were funded properly to do that work and they did that job gave it to me and then I turned it into entertainment so that the viewer can engage and understand it and consolidate the information

emotionally so that it makes an impact and you you care about it. And want to see it change. So that's my little rant. Which I think I'm entitled to that fucking rant. If I'm now being monitored by the government. I think I'm entitled to that rant. And you know what. Let's all get on a government watch list. Let's all learn about direct provision.

And speak about it online. And find out about Massey. M-A-S-S-Y charity and what the work that they're doing follow them online consider donating to them educate yourself don't don't allow human rights abuses to happen in the country just don't don't allow it don't allow it and get yourself put on a list because you are expressing your right as a citizen to say this isn't how i'd like my country i don't like this in my country i don't like this i want people to be treated with humanity and dignity and respect and the same do the same for irish travelers do the same for Irish travellers. Do the same for people living in emergency accommodation. That's another system.

I haven't seen any government reports on me speaking about that. But direct provision and emergency accommodation. They're both. They're horns of the same toxic bull. Emergency accommodation is where homeless people are put into a perpetual situation of living in hotel rooms and someone's profiting from it rather than providing them with a home it comes from the same ideological framework that would birth an idea like direct provision it's hand a problem over to the over to private interests so that instead of solving it it becomes a source of perpetual profit and human misery is the is the product

that's fucked up so before i continue with the podcast let's have our little ocarina pause we haven't had the ocarina on this podcast in a good few weeks because i've kind of gotten sick of the sound of it and because of my live stream and i have all these new instruments so this week i've got a quite a pleasant little bell and i'm going to play this bell and when i play it a digital advert will be inserted so you don't get shocked by a digital advert here's's the bell. The bell pause. Oh, that's lovely and sweet. On April 5th,

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that was the bell pause for an advert so support for this podcast comes from you the listener via the patreon page right so the shtick is usually what i say to you look it's a lot of work making this podcast so by becoming a patron you're paying me for the work that I'm doing also because of coronavirus I can't do any gigs so I have no fucking gigs so this podcast is my sole source of income now so if you give me the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month that pays my way

that pays for this podcast to be made and it allows me to do it as a full time job so you're paying me for the work that I'm doing what it also does is it gives me to do it as a full time job. So you're paying me for the work that I'm doing. What it also does is it gives me. Full editorial control. I. I'm able to.

Talk about things like direct provision. And. Things like. Emergency accommodation. Unfiltered without worry. To the point that it gets me put on a fucking government list and i'm not i'm not worried if if i was if i was if i was implied by a large newspaper or if i was implied by a radio station and my tweets were getting me monitored by the government, I think I'd be worried for my job,

because my employers would say, you're entitled to say what you want online, but this advertiser has a problem with it, this person has a problem with it, or we're somehow involved with this government agency, we don't want to piss them off, and the politics of it will get involved. I don't have any of that.

I don't give a fuck. And even if, I don't know, is this going to affect now, like I have difficulty getting advertisers on this podcast, and I've said this from the start, mainly because I speak about mental health, but also because I'm outspoken on politics a lot of brands just don't want to be they don't want to be adjacent to someone who's rattling cages or too outspoken so they just they look past my podcast but it doesn't really matter because the podcast is supported by the

listener so if if someone comes along and wants to advertise grand they're in the minority fair play to them thank you for the support but if they don't fuck them the patreon exists the listener you pay for this podcast to be made and on top of it if you can't afford to give me the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month that's fine you can listen for free and then someone else who can't afford it is paying for you so it's it's a lovely egalitarian model that keeps everybody happy also patrons come and go so i have to mention it each week i gotta have my my patreon shout out time. Because if I don't. People just won't subscribe.

So every week I gotta go. Remind you. If you're not a patron. Please become a patron. And if you already are. Thank you so much. For your continued support. Once a month.

I pick out one patron at random. I'll send you a drawing. A handmade drawing. In the fucking post. That's a custom drawing. It's like a lottery, an art lottery. Also, support the podcast by leaving a review. If you're on iTunes, it's not even iTunes anymore.

If it's on the Apple podcast app, leave a review, rate the podcast. That makes a difference. Tell a friend about it. Tell one friend about this podcast podcast especially if you're living outside of ireland get them to listen to it and share it online all these little things get our support the podcast um i'm also on twitch three times a week now loads of you have been coming over from the podcast to my twitch stream twitch.tv forward slash the blind by podcast i'm live streaming guaranteed three times a week

wednesday thursday friday at half eight where i'm making music and playing video games and you can come and chat with me you can talk with me i'm on for a couple of hours it's great fucking crack the best thing to come out of the coronavirus for me is discovering live streaming because i'm really loving it as an outlet and sometimes i'm on it the weekends but it's good fun twitch.tv forward slash the blind buy podcast all right come along to that so as you can tell because we're 35 minutes into the podcast I don't usually like do a mad topical podcast like that. I don't usually... It's rare that... Because what I want is...

I like it when I have new listeners and I can say to them, go back to any old podcast. I like that you can pick any podcast episode you want and it doesn't matter that it was recorded two years ago. That the stuff that I'm talking about isn't incredibly relevant to the now. But every so often I will.

And I think. Yeah this week I needed to do it. But sometimes as well. With this podcast. Especially with social distancing. And me not really. I'm like I'm not seeing a lot of people. And I haven't seen a lot of people.

Since March. I'm really keeping to myself. Sometimes venting on this podcast and speaking to ye about what's bothering me or what's on my mind is it's very cathartic for me

I mean it's just me alone in my studio talking to my sock but I know that you're listening and it just it feels nice for me to get things off my chest. And to express them. And for ye to hear it. It feels cathartic.

So I want to talk about. Waking up first thing in the morning. Like literally your eyes open. And there's always that. Mini second of calm. And then you feel like shit. You feel frightened or you feel insecure or you just feel shit about being awake. I want to talk about that and I want to talk about accepting that feeling.

Acknowledging it and And why it's okay. Especially now. I suppose a few things. A few little things that I. Meditate on. That I. Like I mentioned earlier right. When I was talking about how.

You know we as people can see. Someone who's trendy or cool or whatever and we have this knee jerk reaction which is a negative knee jerk reaction like negative knee jerk reactions are fine so long as you bring them into your awareness

and you challenge them in the moment that's one of the core tenets of my mental health regime it's's do you know what that is that's called recognizing your innate fallibility if i view someone who's cool or someone who has a class car or whatever and i my initial reaction is is a feeling of envy right that's my innate fallibility as a human being i'm a human being and human beings aren't perfect and you're the human being and you and i are imperfect right and we are fallible which means that we make mistakes we fuck up and we do things

and think things that are wrong or should i say wrong or bad we do we do and think we do things and think things that are wrong or should I say wrong or bad we do we do and think we do things and think things think things in particular that are misinformed and unhelpful that's better than saying wrong or bad if I look at another person I look at their coolness or their youth or their ability to express themselves and be free and my initial reaction is one of envy then that's unhelpful I call that an unhelpful knee-jerk reaction it's it's unhelpful to me it's unhelpful to the other person and that's my fallibility as a human being that's my innate fallibility but once I recognize that innate fallibility then I challenge the feeling of envy or jealousy and then I just don't run with it I pick it in the moment and I say hold on a second that person is entitled to be free or to to be cooler than i am and me being

envious or jealous of them all it all it does is it if you run with that imagine you run with that imagine you're out in a pub and you see someone being a cool dude and then you go what a fucking prick and then before you know it you have a few drinks and you're making shitty comments to him or you're gossiping about him to your friend like think of the harm that causes right number one if if you express envy or jealousy towards another person you're you yourself are upset because it's not fun to feel like that you yourself are then upset you're not living in the here and now there's it's not possible to be envious or jealous of another person without then reflecting on what you perceive to be your own shortcomings

if someone's got cooler pants than you do there's no way to look at their cool trousers without disparagingly talking shit about your own trousers, which then lowers your sense of self-esteem. entertain the knee-jerk emotion of jealousy if you enter entertain jealousy or envy and allow it to influence your behavior to the point that you're trying to punish the object of your envy if you're trying to punish and it doesn't have to be this person is cool it can be this person has a better job than me i think that their job is better than me. I think that this person is more physically attractive than me. I think this person is better at talking to people than me. I think when this person opens their mouth, people pay attention to them more than they pay attention to me.

These are all reactions of a fallible human being that we all experience as social animals on the day to day alright what you don't want is that reaction consuming you to the point

that it influences your behaviour and motivations because then there will be unhelpful behaviour and motivations. So if you try and harm that person that you're jealous of. By talking shit about them to someone else. And engaging in gossip. You know you're now.

That's destructive. You're harming. The relationship that you have with the person you want to gossip with. You risk it going back to. you're harming the relationship that you have with the person you want to gossip with you risk it going back as soon as you engage in gossip is passive aggressive

so if you engage in gossip with someone essentially what you do is even if the person engages in gossip with you you lower in that person's estimation you become less trustworthy you become a person in their eyes who has less integrity and that then has impacts in trusting relationships do you know what i mean if you then want help from that person at some point they might be reluctant because they go why would i help that person they're they're always gossiping and bitching about someone else and they seem to

be jealous all the time so they're unhelpful destructive emotions but it's okay to have them initially because you're a fallible human being another thing with fallibility, if you engage with jealousy and run with jealousy or envy, it will end up in a feeling of guilt and shame in about a week's time. Because you're behaving in ways that you know are wrong. To be envious of another person, to run with that envy to the point that you try and sabotage them or take them down in the eyes of somebody else you know that that's destructive behavior and you only get away with it in the moment. And then a week later,

you feel this guilt or a sense of shame or you feel lacking in worth when you're looking for that part of yourself to get self-worth, to motivate yourself. It's not there. So I think what I'm trying to get at is the reason I'm speaking about envy and jealousy is because I think that's relevant to this topic this week

it's a collective feeling when we're blaming coronavirus on house parties and things like that really on a psychosocial level what we're doing is it's envy we're envying freedom and youth and things like that that doing is it's it's envy we're envying freedom and youth and things

like that that that's why it it's a hot button thing that people love it's sexy that's why people love to focus on that because it's envy it's envy at a time where we're supposed to be abstaining. It's an envy of freedom. It's also projection. We're projecting, we're judging people for their gluttony, we'll say, when we're supposed to be abstaining and projecting our own gluttony on them, maybe. So things like envy and jealousy, very common common and ultimately the root of them is a feeling of insecurity now we are all insecure there there is no such thing as a person who isn't

insecure because we're social animals and we also living under capitalism and consumerism, we live in a society that asks us at all times to evaluate and rate ourselves against other people. Now, if you are consistently rating your value against another person, whether it be their job, their appearance, whatever the fuck, then you're going to be insecure. It's as simple as that because human beings are too complex to be rating if if you rate yourself on somebody else it's it's always unattainable whatever they have going for themselves that's their uniqueness and you can't have that you can only be the best version of you but if you're evaluating yourself

based on someone else it's consistently unattainable and therefore consistent disappointment and a consistent blow to your self-esteem but all of us are insecure i'm insecure but what I try and do is I don't I don't allow insecurity to define my lived experience my lived existence so even though I am insecure even though I have self-doubt even though if I'm not careful I can find myself being envious of other people because I keep it in check because I practice self-awareness and mindfulness around it and I recognize the emotion when it immediately comes up and I put it in check by by evaluating it against rational reality then I get to live I live my life with confidence, right? So I, even though I am a fallible, insecure human being, but I live my life day to day as a confident person.

Now, if I start entertaining jealousy, envy, things like that, if I start evaluating my self-worth against other people then in a week's time I won't be living the life of a person who's confident I'll be living the life of a person who's insecure and what goes with insecurity what goes with the lived experience of being insecure I mean Jesus like yeah I go on and off so I've been kind of like coronavirus has been a bit of a a serious challenge so I've had more instances of insecurity recently than I would when coronavirus wasn't around because stress environmental stress can bring these things on but when I'm feeling insecure how does it express it in myself over the long term?

The most destructive... If I do... If I do three weeks of waking up in the morning and not feeling happy with who I am as a person. If I wake up every morning like that. Rating and evaluating my life. Against other people.

Saying to myself. You could be doing better. You made mistakes. You should be here and you're not. Like that's a big one for me with coronavirus. Like. I was going to do loads of tours this year. Lo of things with my career that I thought were going to happen have now not happened because of coronavirus

now that's not my fucking fault, it's outside of my control but I now have to be mindful I wake up in the morning and say to myself, there was supposed to be another sold out Australian tour and it's not happening and it's not my fault there's a pandemic, but my fallible irrational brain

isn't going to recognize that so if I'm not careful I'm waking up in the morning feeling like shit feeling like a failure and if I entertain that that initial feeling when I wake up in the morning of I am failing I am falling. Then I look at my thought process. And I start to catastrophize. And I say. I feel like a failure. Fuck it. Maybe this is the end.

Maybe I am a failure. Maybe when coronavirus lifts. No one's going to come to my gigs. And that's the end of my career. And now I'm spiraling. Into. An irrational thought process. With no evidence crystal ball imagine myself in a year's time with no career not knowing what to do based on what waking up in the morning with a little

feeling of insecurity and now it's spiraling out of control now if i entertain that by 2 p.m i'm now starting to experience in something that feels a little bit like depression now by 3 p.m the work that I'm supposed to be doing whether it be my streaming or researching this podcast or thinking about my next book I now don't feel the confidence that I need to achieve goals and if I let that go longer and longer into maybe a week or two and if I live my life with a feeling of insecurity lack of self-worth anxiety about my future all of these things together if I live my life like that after about three weeks I now lose the confidence to make very simple decisions something and I mean as simple as I feel like going to the gym should I go and instead of there being this strong voice that steps up and says yeah fuck it of course you should go to the gym, because later on, you're going to feel fucking great,

and you like the gym, so come on, let's go, that's my healthy brain, but if I've entertained insecurity, for a while, my brain is like, I don't know, should you go to the gym,

the couch seems a bit nicer, doesn't it, and I now don't have this, the confidence to go, no, why would you, why would you stay on the couch if you stay on the couch you're going to feel like shit later so go to the gym now because you're going to feel good later and you'll develop a hunger and you get to have a lovely dinner and make your dinner and all these confident decisions are now gone out the window because I'm living a

life I'm entertaining so many insecure thoughts that simple choices in my day now have conflict because I I've drifted from my internal locus of evaluation I've drifted from the strong internal voice which is the strong internal voice I am better than I am better than nobody and nobody else is better than me because human beings are too complex to evaluate and I am a fallible human being

and I make mistakes and I'm flexible with my day and I don't entertain these thoughts of fuck it what will my career be like in a year's time because instead what I say to myself is life is uncertain

and why would I possibly bother my whole giving myself anxiety over something as uncertain as a year's time when in my life or in your life have you ever correctly predicted what was going to happen in a year's time life in my life or in your life have you ever correctly predicted what was going to happen in a year's time life isn't like that it's fluid you have to react to it in a flexible fashion as you go along what else happens if i'm entertaining feelings of insecurity or if you're doing it what is your experience like now when you open up social media a good social media experience for me is i open up twitter or instagram or facebook and if my mental health is in a good

place and i feel and my self-esteem is high and like i said high self-esteem isn't feeling better than better than other people high self-esteem is your worth is coming from inside you. Your worth is not derived from comparing yourself to other people, whether that be that person is better than me or I feel better than them. Feeling superior to people

is just as toxic as feeling jealous. If you look at someone and you're envious and you go, what they have is better than what I have and I would love to have what they have and now I feel like shit, that's toxic. Also, contemptuously looking at someone and going, look at that fucking piece of shit, I'm doing so much better than them, that's also toxic. But if I am feeling confident that my self-esteem is high and I'm going through Twitter, what I tend to notice are really interesting articles, pictures of cute animals,

stuff that's interesting, ideas-based stuff. If I'm feeling fucking insecure, what am I noticing on Twitter? Bad news, disasters, catastrophe. secure what am i noticing on twitter bad news disasters catastrophe i'm looking at someone tweeting about their book just got published and instead of going fucking great for them i'm going ah fuck that person's book got published i wonder when mine's gonna get published or whatever do you know what i mean or for for you maybe it could be if it's appearance based you see someone else with a photo and they look class or they've got a lovely new bathroom or something like that and then you're feeling like shit looking at your own life so now your social media experience is it's it's it's like a lens if you're feeling insecure and you're entertaining feelings of insecurity it's the lens that you look at social media and everything around you

will be filtered through that but if you're feeling confident and your self-esteem is high and you're accepting your fallibility as a human being and you're not evaluating yourself against other people then your lens now goes to rational when you see someone and they have a nice bathroom you're kind of going fuck it isn't that lovely for them or if you see someone and they've got a new job or a new car you go fair play to them it's not great and you don't give a fuck. You don't care. You don't look at their life. And try and evaluate it to your own.

Because you go. Who gives a shit. This is what I'm doing right now. I'm happy with my bathroom. Maybe I'd like a better bathroom someday. But right now I've got this bathroom. And it's fine. Alright.

I can still fucking take a shower. One of the most toxic ones that I've found especially when I was younger when I would be living maybe months at a time feeling desperately insecure feeling really insecure not having a high sense of self worth feeling that everybody is better than me

social interactions when you feel insecure Everybody is better than me. Social interactions. When you feel insecure, you approach situations where you meet other people. Like a dog with its tail between its legs, if you get me. And this isn't conscious, this is unconscious. So when you meet somebody you know in a social situation and you're battling with insecurity, if you're waking up in the morning not feeling good enough,

then your entire dynamic and approach to other human beings is one of apology. So you almost feel like apologizing for your own existence when you speak to somebody and you you end up like you're not having an authentic conversation what you're doing is trying to impress that person all right either by listing out achievements or maybe even lying lying straight up fucking lying about how well you're doing with something or lying about what you have coming down the down the line talking out of your fucking arse and then afterwards when they leave you're saying why the fuck why did i lie to that person about this thing that i'm doing because that's not true at all now they're gone and there's a fucking lie and shit when it doesn't if it doesn't happen then I look like a liar

and then you're beating yourself up for the rest of the day because you just just told us a silly lie for no reason not like a malicious hurtful lie but an untruth about yourself which makes you appear to be doing better than you're already doing and now you've created this awful situation where you've got intense shame and embarrassment now because you just told a lie and it's not true and what if they find out that one is is particularly common in in in my industry of entertainment with musicians fucking comedians writers whatever that's a really if if an artist is entertaining feelings of insecurity for a long time when they meet someone they feel they have to let that person know that they're doing really, really well and they might tell a little lie.

A conversation about a gig that may happen all of a sudden turns into a gig that's definitely going to happen. And then what happens? You meet the person in three weeks and all you've done is think about, fuck it, I told this person now that I was going to do this big gig there but it was actually bullshit all it was was based on an email and now you're obsessing about the next time you meet him so now you have to lie to them again and you have to say oh yeah

that gig that gig that I was talking about yeah some shit happened there man I think the promoter promoter wasn't right yeah yeah yeah and now you're telling two lies and you're feeling like shit over that so what what do we do about this I mean I know that those things I'm saying there are relatable what do we do with this so that it doesn't get to To those depths. And. I just have a feeling in the water. Because coronavirus has thrown such huge uncertainty on us all. A lot of us. Think. Listen.

It's fucking August 2020. Right. In January 2020. If I'd have said to you. what will you be doing in August 2020 you had a very different perception right about holidays that were going to happen about your career we're now thrown into a sense of uncertainty there's a minority of people listening right now who are where they thought they would be in august 2020 so we've all been thrown into uncertainty we're all a year has been taken off us for those of us with ambitions people who fucking jesus the people people doing their leave insert this year everyone has had a year robbed off us

and we're not where we thought we would be and even though it's not our fault and there's a pandemic i'm guessing look if i'm if i'm getting feelings of if i'm self-flagellating over that i would wager that you probably are as well because i am a bit self-flagellating over that, I would wager that you probably are as well. Because I am a bit self-flagellating, even though I know it's irrational. Why would I possibly feel a sense of shame that I didn't get to do my tour of Canada and my tour of Australia? Why would I possibly feel shame or failure around that because of a fucking pandemic? Because it's irrational. it's fucking irrational I have goals and plans and motivations and it feels as if I didn't achieve them even though it's because of a fucking pandemic and I have to be mindful around that and you probably do as well because your plans and your goals and your career is not where you thought it was going to be right now either because of a fucking pandemic

but it's also okay that's my fallibility that's my fallibility right there to wake up in the morning feeling insecure and feeling like i've failed even. I haven't fucking failed. There's a pandemic. It is my fallibility. To have the knee jerk reaction of failure. In the same way. It's my fallibility. To see. Someone being cool and young.

And enjoying themselves. And to have a knee jerk reaction of. Jealousy or envy. That's my innate fallibility. And. I have to catch that as early as possible when I wake up in the morning when I when my eyes open in the morning and the first feeling that I experience is failure I can't allow myself take that to 11 o'clock in the morning I can't do it because by six o'clock that afternoon

it will have spiraled into something a lot more toxic so what do I do firstly I become aware of how I'm evaluating myself so the big red flag is envy of other people that's a big red flag for feelings of insecurity or feelings of failure why why am i giving a fuck about what someone else is doing or what are positives that someone else has gone on in their lives why am i looking at another person now and their successes now feel like pain to me? Why would another person, a completely separate human being with a whole different career and a whole different life, why would a positive in their life feel like a shortcoming in mine?

And the simple answer is that, alright, I've now, my insecurity and my unchecked feeling of failure is now causing me to evaluate myself externally I now no longer have an internal locus of evaluation I'm moving towards an external locus of evaluation the locus with which I evaluate my self-worth is now dependent on other people what they're doing and what they think of me and I know that's step one in me slipping back into bad mental health so what do I do

I exercise self-compassion I compassionately say to myself it's okay to feel insecure it's okay if my initial reaction to not having gigs or to not being touring it's okay for me to experience that as failure even though it's irrational it's okay for that to be the first reaction because I am fundamentally as a human animal i'm not rational rationality is what you learn i'm irrational i have drives so i accept my fallibility and i say that's grand now that you've recognized and accepted your fallibility why are and and from self-compassion you then you move on to external compassion so if you catch yourself in the moment with something like jealousy or envy catch it in the moment and and really work instead on feeling very happy for that other person and whatever it is that you coveted so if it's them with their garden looks nice or they've got a new fucking class haircut whatever it is catch the feeling whereby you're coveting what they have and instead

feel happy for them feel really happy for them and if that person is close enough to you right try genuinely reach out and then and then say to them fucking fair play on that or that your haircut is lovely and do it from a place of genuineness make a genuine connection with the person genuine put the risk out there to confidently pay someone a compliment if they're close enough to you that you can do it and that there then will that stop that little cycle of jealousy right there and it gives you then a little bit of a boost in self-esteem because you're accepting your own fallibility and you're staring down your own insecurity now what do you do then if you have a feeling of insecurity and this is causing you to

worry and spiral and try and predict your own future? If the feeling of insecurity is causing you to think, Jesus, if it's bad now, I'm fucked in a year. And then you're having these visions of no longer having a job or whatever the fuck it is what you have to do in that situation you have to really you have to accept and not accept you have to tolerate the feeling of uncertainty you have to accept that nothing is certain. Certainty doesn't exist. There's no such thing as certainty. There's only one certainty. Death.

That's the only certainty we have. We are going to die. Everyone you love is going to die. There's the only certainty you have. Other than that, there's no certainty. Coronavirus. You wouldn't have fucking predicted coronavirus last year. So you tolerate uncertainty.

You say to yourself yourself life is fucking uncertain what in the love of god am i doing trying to think about what's gonna where i'm gonna be next year why would i possibly do that and when has that ever worked for me and when have i ever gotten it right never life throws curveballs all the time so you tolerate that uncertainty and you accept that what's what's irrational is is trying to attach yourself to certainty there's no such thing as certainty another one is uh learn to tolerate short-term discomfort if you wake up in the morning and you have a feeling of sadness or a feeling of insecurity or a feeling of worry tolerate that short-term discomfort when the feeling of insecurity

and worry goes into fantasy territory fantasizing about your own destruction fantasizing about your own failure that's actually a resistance you're resisting the uncomfortable feeling by making it 10 times worse but accept and tolerate this morning i don't feel great you check it you notice it this morning notice it, this morning I feel insecure, this isn't pleasant, I'm going to go downstairs and eat my overnight oats, you know, what I'm not going to do, I'm not going to sit in bed worried and then immediately before I even get up, take out my phone and scroll through some shit and make myself feel worse, even get up take out my phone and scroll through some shit and make myself feel worse you say ah that's a shit feeling i'm gonna tolerate that now um let's but i'm going to physically act on something i'm still gonna get do my day i'm still gonna go downstairs and eat my overnight oats

and i'm gonna resist the temptation to immediately open social media or i might go for a run the thing is that the healthy things that i do in the morning such as eating my overnight oats going for exercise these healthy life-affirming things that i do if i have feelings of insecurity or lack of self-worth i don't want to do them I don't want to do them what I want to do instead is to vegetatively lie back in bed and scroll through my fucking phone

searching for some type of immediate dopamine hit but it just makes me feel worse and then I've done it for an hour now it's 10, 11 in the morning and I feel sluggish. And I don't want to go for a fucking run. And I don't want to eat my overnight oats.

I just want to wait till lunchtime. And all these things that give me little bits of meaning in my day. I've now chosen not to do them. And I'm sucked into a fucking negative cycle. So you tolerate. And accept. Discomfort. The discomfort of waking up and not feeling great. So you tolerate and accept discomfort. The discomfort of waking up and not feeling great.

As well as tolerating uncertainty and accepting that life is uncertain. Understand that life is also unfair. Sometimes life is unfair. Pain is inevitable. Disappointment is inevitable disappointment is inevitable these are parts of being alive tolerate and accept life is unfair so if you're feeling insecure because of an external event something didn't go your way that's the unfairness of human existence and recognize it notice it allow it to exist in the room but don't let it define your fucking behaviour

even if you wake up and you're having a shit day put the effort in to pursue an interest or a routine that's consistent with your sense of values. Okay? Do the exercise.

Make the food. Whatever the fuck it is that gives you your personal sense of meaning. Act on it. Do it. Even if you feel like shit. To give in to the shit feeling is to not do those things and then that spirals into this loop a feedback loop of negativity pursue the interest which is consistent with your personal values and gives you a sense of meaning you you know what it is i can't tell you what that is and it doesn't have to be a big thing it's as simple as eating the breakfast you want to eat at the time that you want it

to be so look those are just some little things um mainly anything to do with my mental health podcast right i mainly speak about my direct experience what works for me because that's the ethical thing to do and it's also cathartic for me but i think it's it's helpful for you then as well if you're listening to it if you can relate it to you to your own life and i reckon i reckon i'm on the nail with some of that we're all disappointed we're all worried we've all had months taken from us and i reckon there's some i reckon some of you are going through what i'm going through where we've managed to blame ourselves in some way and then experience a sense of failure when you shouldn't so i just want to fucking name it, name it and talk

about it to help myself and if it helps you in any way then as well, class I'll be back next week don't know what I'm going to talk about everything's going to be grand fuck it man, rub a dog rub a cat, animals

every time, cuddle a fucking cat, I can't. Both my cats are feral. Wild cats. I can feed them food. I can keep. They'll keep a foot away from me. I can see the little bit of love in their eyes every so often when they stare.

I can't fucking rub them. Not allowed to rub the cats. So that for me then is difficult too. And I don't want to be going fucking. Rubbing my neighbour's dog you know. It's's not the same i don't have a connection but i've two feral cats that i do have a connection with but they're just i didn't get them when you have to get a cat when they're a kitten i can't touch them um they're meowing which is an interesting development you know they'll meow at me but i don't think i'm

ever going to rub those cats so that's a little bit tough for me to be honest i'd love to give them a little cuddle but if you're fortunate enough to have a cat that you can cuddle that's another lovely exercise in compassion to make yourself feel better and humility, lads. A lot of... This shit, it's... What is humility? Animals are great at giving us a feeling of humility. It reminds us that we are just animals too. And we're not defined by our achievements or our material belongings.

We're fucking dust-to-dust animals and cuddle an animal. Rub a dog, rub a cat, look into their eyes, you know, and you'll feel a lovely sense of humility. You're at one. You're just a fucking tree. You're a leaf. Nature doesn't give a fuck about you.

You know what I mean? Warm food. All right, God bless. I'll talk to you next week. Hopefully the government will still be monitoring. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,

when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com bring me the cons Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.