The Blindboy Podcast - The history of serving chips in miniature shopping trolleys

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

The history of serving chips in miniature shopping trolleys  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Pat the back of the Alsatian's jacket, you gasping ten-yes. Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. If this is your first Blind Boy Podcast, consider listening to an earlier episode. Some people even go back to the start to familiarise themselves with the lore of this podcast. About 14 days ago, I stayed in a hotel in Coventry. It was a motorway hotel,

the type of place where the middle management of Tesco would hold a conference. A hotel on a motorway. A hotel that effectively knows you're kind of trapped. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if I was to imagine what purgatory would be like, it'd be a motorway hotel. A hotel on a motorway. It's a transitionary space between two destinations. You're neither coming nor going. You're not dead nor alive. You're in a hotel and it's on the side of a motorway and you can't really leave because then you're walking on a motorway and who wants to do that you can't really drive anywhere either because it's a motorway hotel the nearest town is maybe a half an hour 40 minutes away it's a motorway hotel you're stuck aesthetically a motorway hotel is identical to an airport hotel they both have that

overarching sense of we don't give a fuck about you you're stuck but an airport hotel has got there's passion and there's emotion in an airport hotel because you're either really excited to go on holidays so you don't care about the airport hotel

or you're upset that you're coming back from holidays so you can really feel something about an airport hotel but it's quite a challenge to find any meaning in a motorway hotel everything in a motorway hotel it's a little bit more depressing everything you do everything you do in a motorway hotel becomes something something you do in a motorway hotel you can't go to the bar and have a pint because when you get the pint,

it's not just a pint anymore, it's a pint in a motorway hotel. I tried to have a cup of tea. I even brought my own mug and my own tea bags and it still became a cup of tea in a motorway hotel. No one can have, no one can have normal sex in a motorway hotel. Like a husband and wife can't have sex in a motorway hotel. No one can have, no one can have normal sex in a motorway hotel. Like a husband

and wife can't have sex in a motorway hotel. They'll either just not do it or they'll have sex because they're having sex in a motorway hotel. So now it's just not normal sex. It's motorway hotel sex. Ironic sex between a husband and and wife the only people who have sex in motorway hotels are people who don't want to get caught even if you're like not married or even don't have a partner but you know a person who might have sex with you and you say to them do you want to have sex i'm in a motorway hotel even if they say yes even if they say yes they have to either drive or get in a taxi and do like a half an hour on the motorway to get to the hotel to have sex with you in the motorway hotel and that journey that journey will vandalise any potential passion or excitement or anticipation.

It will bend it out of shape until eventually you're just having, you're having sex in a motorway hotel. You can't have a wank in a motorway hotel because when you try and have a wank in a motorway hotel you're thinking about everyone else who had a wank in a motorway hotel. But I've been in a lot of motorway hotels because of my job that's the only reason anyone is ever in a motorway hotel

you don't see people enjoying themselves in motorway hotels and even when you do even when if you do decide to go down to the bar in the motorway hotel and you see a group of people enjoying themselves they're enjoying themselves despite the fact that they're in a motorway hotel. Marth and laughter is always followed by kind of long silences like being in the pub after a funeral. People do laugh, people do crack jokes but we collectively impose a ceiling of merriment through kind of

a long shameful pause directly after the laughter and that happens, that happens in the bars of motorway hotels after years of staying in these places in Ireland and in England after years of staying in motorway hotels I figured out

what the feeling is the feeling is, what the fuck am I doing with my life feeling is the feeling is what the fuck am I doing with my life that's the feeling every single person who stays in a motorway hotel is confronted with the feeling of what the fuck am I doing with my life

is this it, is this it, is this what it's all about, so I was stuck in this fucking motorway hotel in Coventry thinking how can I hack this thinking how can I hack this how can I hack this system is there anything I can do is there any small victory I can achieve here in this motorway hotel

and I opened the curtains and looked at the motorway and I noticed I noticed a hawk there was a hawk that was just hovering hovering above the motorway. And I thought to myself, well, it can't be too bad if there's a hawk interested in the place. Hawk can go wherever

he wants. And he's choosing to hang around outside the motorway hotel. But as I looked beyond the hawk on the horizon, I saw, I saw a McDonald's sign. I saw a McDonald's sign about 15 minutes in the distance. And then realised, that's how you make a motorway hotel slightly better. That's how you achieve a small sense of victory and autonomy. A fucking takeaway. Not McDonald's, but I'm in Coventry. Coventry, Birmingham, that area. It's famous for Indian food.

Some of the best Indian food in the world outside of India. Let's go on to a takeaway app. Find the best Indian food that's available and have it delivered to my hotel room. There was something about that idea that made me feel, it gave me a sense of power. I had control now. I had autonomy. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I'm getting the best Indian food I've ever tasted. That's what I'm doing with my life I'm getting the best Indian food I've ever tasted that's what I'm doing with my life I'm going to eat it in this hotel room I'm going to eat it in this fucking motorway hotel and I'm going to be the one who's in charge

not these walls so I opened up the apps and there was fucking nothing I was too far away I was too deep into the motorway the only places that would deliver it was motorway food, motorway takeaways, Burger King, McDonald's, Dunkin' fucking donuts. I was not getting Dunkin'

donuts delivered to me in a motorway hotel in Coventry. So I ordered fish and chips from the in-room menu. And when the fish and chips arrived, the chips were in a little trolley, in a little shopping cart, with a small bit of newspaper in there. But not real newspaper, a fake newspaper called the Daily Catch, printed solely for serving chips in a little trolley. And I thought to myself, how the fuck did we arrive at this? I know no one person had decided do you know what it'd be a good idea to let's just start serving people chips

in a small shopping cart in a tiny little novelty trolley wouldn't that be a great idea let's start doing that and do you know what else let's print out a little newspaper called the Daily Catch it's a newspaper about fish

and we'll serve the chips in the novelty trolley inside this fake newspaper. Do you know what this motorway hotel in Coventry needs? Room service whereby chips are presented in a deeply surreal culinary performance that belongs more in the art world than in a beige bedroom that's stained by the wanks of a thousand businessmen.

I knew what I was dealing with was context collapse. The chips in the small little trolley, like a shopping trolley that a rat would have, like a rat's shopping trolley, about that size. The chips in that trolley. It was so bizarre and so meaningless that it was a slow and gradual process. Several decisions across numbers of years,

that at one point, there probably was a purpose and meaning, and that just got lost along the way. I started to think of Yorkshire Terriers, in England during the Industrial Revolution, when the earth began to be mined, and miners were digging down into these pits into the earth and living in coal shafts. They had to live alongside rats. The rats would follow them down for bits of food. The rats became really familiar with the miners and they'd attack them. So miners used to have to

mine and they'd be getting bitten by rats. They were terrified of plague. Rats in mines in England in the Industrial Revolution was a serious health issue. So this dog was bred. The Yorkshire Terrier. The coal miners of England. In Yorkshire. In the fucking West Midlands. In Coventry. Where I was. They bred this tiny little dog that could literally fit into their fucking pockets. This little loyal dog that could fit into their pockets and had long hair that kept coal dust out of their eyes and they'd go down deep into the mine with this dog in their pockets and the dog was ferocious and it would kill all the rats and then drag their bodies up to the surface. The Orkshire Terrier was a working dog. It had a purpose.

It saved people's lives down the mines by killing rats. A worker's companion. Small, vicious, and loyal. The problem was that it was very cute. It was a very adorable little tiny dog, and even though it was hard as fucking nails, people started to look at it and go, that mining dog is is quite cute isn't he and the emerging middle classes of the industrial revolution started to fetishize the yorkshire terrier the factory owners and the factory

owners wives and all of a sudden they wanted the yshire Terrier. Not because it fit into the pocket of a coal miner, but because it fit into a handbag. And now the Yorkshire Terrier was being bred for its aesthetic appearance. They needed smaller Yorkshire Terriers. More docile Yorkshire Terriers. Yorkshire Terriers that aren't going to run down a hole after a rat. Yorkshire Terriers that are quite comfortable just chilling outside in a handbag with long golden hair that can be combed. And the dog lost

its purpose. And the dog lost its context and its meaning. And the Yorkshire Terrier started to develop a condition called a luxating patella. So I... It's not funny. A Yorkshire Terrier's kneecaps can just fall off

for the laugh it's not funny it's not funny it's awful cruel but I'm just saying a Yorkshire Terrier's kneecaps can just fall off like a drug dealer in Belfast

when no one's around to see years and years of breeding this dog not to be caps can just fall off. Like a drug dealer in Belfast when no one's around to see. Years and years of breeding this dog. Not to be, not to have purpose down a mine but to sit comfortably in a handbag. Years of that breeding left the poor old dog with knee caps that might just slip off. But that's what I thought of as I stared at my chips in a trolley. My chips in a trolley were a little Yorkshire Terrier with detachable kneecaps. Chips come from Belgium in the 1600s. Potatoes would have been quite new and strange in the 1600s in Belgium. Potatoes come from Peru in South America, but they were introduced to Europe.

Sometime around the mid to late 1500s. By the Spanish. In Belgium in the 1600s. Jewish people. Used to fry fish. They used to fry fish in batter. But in the winters. It would get so cold in Belgium.

That some of the rivers would literally freeze over. And when the rivers were frozen. And the people couldn't catch any fish to fry they turned to the potato and they'd cut potatoes up into these thick cut chips that were about the same size as the little fish that they were frying and they started frying potatoes in winter when the rivers were frozen over so then they're like, fucking yum, this is amazing. So they kept frying the potatoes and then when the rivers thawed, they fried fish as well. So you had fish and chips. This made it to England, most likely started by Jewish people in the east end of

London because deep frying stuff was, that was a Jewish thing. And by the late 1800s in England, fish and chips were like a fucking staple foodstuff. It was a big, tasty meal that wasn't expensive, that was eaten by the working class, the type of people who'd be down mines with terriers in their pockets. And the fish was served in paper. Your fish and chips was served, wrapped in paper because the paper could soak all the grease and it kept it warm. It was the perfect package for your fish and chips and by the 20th century early 20th century fish and chips was part of like Britain's cultural identity it was

a really important food stuff for most of the working classes in World War one when British soldiers were fighting in the trenches and everyone was covered in mud and they didn't know who was a friend or who was a foe. They'd shout fish and then if someone answered chips you didn't shoot them because it meant they were English. And when it came to World War II when everything was being rationed one of the few things that wasn't rationed was fish and chips. It was so important that Churchill was afraid that it would destroy morale so it wasn't rationed at all which was a big move because it used an awful lot of oil and oil was used in the making of explosives. So fish and chips weren't rationed during World War II but

what was rationed was paper. British fish and chip shops during World War II they couldn't get any paper to wrap their chips up in so they started to use newspaper because there was plenty of newspapers they repurposed the newspaper and then in World War two it became completely normal to buy fish and chips and have them wrapped in newspaper and there's no mobile phones or no television so people actually liked finishing their chips and then reading the free page of newspaper that they got. So it became part of the war effort. It became part of a

kind of a British identity of resilience. And even when World War II ended, the British fish and chip shops, they kept serving their fish and chips wrapped up in fucking newspaper. It became very important to the cultural identity and significance of fish and chips. up in fucking newspaper. It became very important to the cultural identity and significance of fish and chips. But the problem was is that the newspaper would often imprint words onto the chips and you're not supposed to really eat newspaper ink because newspaper ink contains chemicals like petrol and lead. So people who had enough chips in the 20th century in England were at serious risk of lead poisoning. So eventually it became illegal to wrap fish and chips in newspaper unless there was a

barrier layer of regular paper first. It was actually health and safety standards brought in by the EU that made it illegal to serve chips in newspapers. So now that Britain is no longer in the EU, they're free to give themselves lead poisoning from their chips again. But fishing chips in newspaper, it became a memory of a bygone era. It became something authentic, something

real, something that can't be mass produced. But in the death knells of post-modernism, just after 9-11 kind of destroyed irony authenticity started to be fetishized in food culture as a reaction against consumerism mcdonald's mass production when america invaded iraq in 2003 america and everything american started to become really really ugly and evil people started to become really, really ugly and evil. People started to really explicitly view America as an aggressive colonial power.

And brands like McDonald's, Burger King, like American fast food, Disney. When I was a kid, we loved these things. These things meant happiness, freedom, fun. But after the invasion of Iraq, these brands, they just became part of the American colonial empire. Like, we all watched with horror as America invaded another country. This illegal war.

And food became a part of this because like France, in around 2002, France said, I know America, this is illegal. You cannot invade Iraq. This is illegal. So America said is illegal you cannot invade Iraq this is illegal so America said fuck you France and they briefly changed the name of French fries to Freedom Fries and this was huge news and when America was invading Iraq and setting up military bases in Iraq McDonald's Burger King Pizza Hut they were with them they would open up these franchises in fucking military bases

as they were illegally occupying another country. American fast food really did become a vulgar flag of war. There was a backlash against this mass production and a search for something more authentic. Hipster restaurants, as you'd call them, started to open up in Brooklyn in New York or in the east end of London and their selling point was authenticity but they would connote this sense of authenticity by repackaging and recontextualizing the cutlery of poor people

so hipster restaurants in the early 2000s stopped serving drinks in glasses and started serving drinks in old jam jars or mason jars. Because that's what poor people used to do when they didn't have fucking glasses when they couldn't afford them years ago. Food started to be served on wooden boards like a butcher board. Menus were written in chalk on blackboards. Nostalgic poverty was recontextualized to mean authenticity. How can we be McDonald's? How can this be mass produced? We don't even have

a glass jam jar. I'm so authentic I don't even have a menu. I have to use a fucking bit of chalk and some slat. Look at this. And there would have been a time in the early 2000s to mid 2000s where that was seen as quite creative and unique and cool. Brooklyn was really cool. The east end of London was really cool. At one point in the 2000s, hipsters were cool. This culinary pursuit of the authentic, this rugged rusticness. It made fine dining and fancy dining really, really uncool. It changed food culture. When it started to peak at about 2010, you saw the rise of Instagram. We started to take photographs of our food. That's the new grace before meals. I love taking photographs of my food. If I get a nice meal, I'm taking a photograph of

it first. Not going to share it with people, but just for me. And you have to remember in 2010, when Instagram came out first, it wasn't necessarily like the social media app that we have today. Instagram was a way to make your iPhone look like an old Polaroid camera. Instagram in 2010 is where you went for filters. Instagram was also about fetishising the past for a false sense of authenticity. So the early adopters of Instagram were also the same people that were going to these hipster restaurants in East London, in fucking Brooklyn, dublin now at this stage in 2010 in every major city around the world now they're taking photographs of their fucking dinner and

showing everybody they don't even have glasses here they're mason jars look at this it's so cool and then restaurants started to become popular because people were taking photographs of it on instagram and sharing it on instagram but then restaurants started to serve food in whatever way was most likely to get someone to take a photograph of it. So now you're ordering a burger and chips and it comes to you on a shovel. Or a little basket. Pizza in a pint glass. A fry up inside in a helmet. By about 2013, 2014 this had become so ubiquitous

that it had really stopped being cool and now it wasn't just cool little authentic hipster restaurants in East London that were doing this shit now like your average restaurant in your small town were doing their menus on a chalkboard

and then it started to become larger franchises your average restaurant in your small town were doing their menus on a chalkboard. And then it started to become larger franchises. And now what's happening is you order a drink and the drink comes to you in a jam jar. I'm talking like 2016 now. The drink comes to you in a jam jar. But it's not really a jam jar. It's an actual glass with a handle that's made to look like a jam jar. Now context has collapsed. Now we've gone full circle. See the whole point, the hipster restaurants giving people fucking jam jars, the whole point of that is, look how authentic we are.

These are actual real jam jars that you're drinking your coke from. We don't order mass produced glasses. We use actual jam jars. jars and by 2016 you started to see mass-produced glasses that look like jam jars that have handles so they're no longer jam jars anymore they're just glasses that look like jam jars context collapses and you have something fundamentally absurd that you don't have an answer for something which was once kind of clever and quirky and cool becomes mainstream

until it goes beyond mainstream to become mass produced and tacky and this is how I ended up in Coventry in that hotel room staring at chips inside a tiny little troll inside a tiny little trolley. A tiny little trolley with a fake newspaper

called the Daily Catch. A little A4 newspaper that's mass produced solely to serve chips in a little trolley to people in motorway hotels who ask the question what am I doing with my life?

Is this it? And I would wager that. The little shopping trolley. And the newspaper. They were probably produced in China. Really really cheaply. And this hotel I was staying in was. It was a branded hotel.

So there was lots of these hotels. So the hotel probably has a deal. With some company in China. Who just make these. Shopping trolleys for chips. And these weird little newspapers. And I doubt the person who designed it. Knows why.

Or thinks about why this is happening. Because it's fucking nuts. What the. Chips. In a little trolley. With a fake newspaper. The fuck is this. The fuck is this.

In the most boring hotel in Coventry. A fucking motorway hotel. So I ate the fish and chips. And they were nice. It's hard to fuck up fish and chips. With my job I have to stay in a lot of hotels. So when I have to order room service. I'll often go for the fish and chips.

Because you can't fake it. You got a deep fried fish. And you got a deep fried chips and you got a deep fried chips and that's it there's no way around it because the thing is with room service menus those menus are designed so that if every single person in the hotel asks for food at once they can deliver it and I've often gotten a burger that's clearly microwaved and not fried so fish and chips and pizza are often the best choice in a hotel room menu. And then obviously some hotels have got a restaurant attached to the hotel.

And if you can order from there, that's the best food in the hotel. I don't know why the fuck I'm telling you this. It's just... I've been doing gigs since 2007. I know my way around a hotel room. I remember in 2014 when loads of hotels en masse installed iPhone 4 chargers into their walls. They kitted out entire hotel rooms with fucking speaker systems and a docking station into the walls. And then Apple changed the iPhone charger a year later. Loads of hotels did that during a recession. You can get toothpaste in a hotel. Just ask for it at reception. They don't

put toothpaste in the rooms because they're afraid of people getting food poisoning. If you don't have any toothpaste at all, brush your teeth with soap. It's slightly unpleasant but it's better than not brushing your teeth at all. If I have to stay in a hotel room for a couple of days I bring my own mug and my own tea bags so that I can make my own tea and also I buy fresh fucking milk because the UHT hotel room milk capsules they'll drive you mad after a couple of hours. They're not nice. But in my early days of gigging, when I was younger, I didn't know how to keep milk bottles in my room without them getting so warm that they go sour. So I used to hang milk bottles out my window,

out my hotel window by a shoelace. Hotels do not like that. And there's been a number of situations, long ago now, long ago, where I was nearly kicked out of hotels for hanging milk bottles on the fucking window. But, not every hotel room has a fucking fridge. Sometimes only the fancier rooms have fridges. So if you've got a basic room and there's no fridge, tell the hotel that you've got medicine and you need to store the medicine in a fridge and they have to give it to you.

Even if you've got medicine and you need to store the medicine in a fridge and they have to give it to you even if you've got a shit cheap room always rinse out your hotel kettle because someone probably pissed into it people who don't stay in a lot of hotels kind of get a bit too excited and they try and get value for money so they piss into the kettle memorise the fire exits you never know if there's going to be a fire

and if you're booking a hotel you can use booking.com or one of those fucking websites or whatever to find the hotel you like but once you get the deal that you like on one of those sites don't order from that site go directly to the hotel's website you'll get the same price and you might even get an upgrade because he used their website and not booking.com and if like me you have to use hotels as part of your job and you might even get an upgrade because he used their website and not booking.com and if like me you have to use hotels as part of your job and you might be using

hotels a couple of times a year just pick a fucking brand of hotel that you like and stick with them because they generally reward loyalty so you get loads of upgrades and things like that unless you hang fucking milk bottles out the window and you become known as Mr. Milk Bottle Man that was O'Callaghan's Hotel in Merrion Square 2010 and RTE had me put up in that hotel

for about two weeks because I was shooting stuff and they they tried to evict me because I was hanging milk bottles out the window and drying my underpants in the hallway and someone from RT had to ring up the hotel and apologize on my behalf and say please don't kick him out of the hotel. Alright, let's have a little ocarina pause. I'm in my office so there's no ocarina. So, I'm going to flick a can. I'm going to flick a little can

and when I do this you'll hear an advert for some bullshit. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. On's sunrisechall. 666. It's the mark of the devil. Hey!

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters April 5th. There's the sweet spot.

there's the sweet spot support for this podcast comes from you the listener via the patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind boy podcast this podcast is my full time job this podcast is how I earn a living it's how I rent out this office

it's how I pay all my bills this podcast is how I earn a living it's how I rent out this office it's how I pay all my bills this podcast is my life I adore it I love working on this podcast I love turning up and giving you a podcast each week I'm so grateful that I get to spend my time writing this podcast and if you enjoy the fruits of that labour if it brings you solace, joy, comfort, entertainment whatever the fuck if you enjoy the fruits of that labor if it brings you solace joy comfort entertainment

whatever the fuck if you partake in that please consider paying me for the work that i'm doing all i'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month that's it and if you can't afford that don't worry about it you can listen for free because the person who is paying is paying for you to listen for free so every single person gets a podcast and i get to earn a living and there's no real like people were asking me why i don't have any posts on patreon i don't even want to do that i want to keep it equal i want every single person to get the exact same podcast and then people who support me on Patreon they're just doing it either out of generosity or to pay for the person who can't afford it and I like that model I like the kindness and the soundness of that model patreon.com forward slash the blind

boy podcast my collection of short stories topography hi bernica my new book that's still doing really well i can't wait to i might give you another little short story before christmas but that book is out if you want to buy it and if you do buy it especially online if you get the audiobook or the fucking kindle book or whatever uh leave a little review unless the shit review don't leave a shit review but if you have a if you have something nice to say about the book leave a little review unless it's a shit review don't leave a shit review but if you have something nice to say about the book leave a little review online where you bought it of course you're entitled to leave a shit review but leaving a good review or rating

it means that it gets suggested to more people who might never come across my writing or my work follow me on Instagram and share the podcast share this podcast and tell a friend about it. Tell a friend about this podcast if you enjoy it. I'll be doing some live podcasts in 2024. Taking some time off.

But, the end of January, 22nd and 23rd, I'm up in Vicar Street in Dublin. I love my Vicar Street podcasts. I fucking adore them they're always amazing they're always consistent it's just a great room it's a wonderful room for doing live podcasts so if you want to come along to them you're getting christmas presents for anyone vicar street on the 22nd 23rd of january and then after that i'm in oslo on the 5th of February, up in Norway. And then two gigs in Berlin on the 16th and 7th, or 16th, I don't know the exact dates.

I'm in Berlin there in fucking February, around the start. There's two gigs and one of them's sold out. I was actually supposed to be doing a mental health podcast this week. Last week, last week I did a bit of a ramble. And I spoke briefly around mental health themes I touched on some introspective

stuff we'll say and lots of you were asking for more because I haven't done a mental health podcast in jeez about 8 months so loads of you were asking for some mental health stuff so this week's podcast was supposed to be about mental health but I just got der podcast was supposed to be about mental health but I just got derailed by the chips

the chips in a shopping trolley because that's what I do with this podcast I go with whatever I'm genuinely passionate about even though I'd planned on doing a mental health podcast I'm not going to do it if genuinely what I want to speak about is chips in a trolley because I know that curiosity there is where the hot take comes from

it's why I'm not beholden to advertisers it's why if an advertiser comes on this podcast they do so on my terms and I won't allow an advertiser sway my content in any way advertising and marketing is what it's what gets you fucking it's how you arrive

at chips in a little trolley also last week someone sent me a photograph and the photograph was from like some irish marketing symposium it was some internal presentation for advertisers or marketers and someone sent me this photograph and it was a person talking in front of a slide but on the slide was a photograph of me so I'm like what why am I on a slide at a conference for people who are advertisers and marketers what's going on there so some advertising farm in, I don't know what the fuck it is, were doing this presentation about how to sell shit to men, to Irish men. So they had this slide about me and Tommy Tiernan. These advertising people had identified me and Tommy Tiernan as what's known as the Journeyman.

And on the slide it said, in Ireland a number of prominent male figures draw upon the cultural mythology of Ireland as a land of saints and scholars. The Journeyman looks inwardly and works on himself, then seeks to share and educate. So advertising agencies in Dublin are trying to reverse engineer me. How can we figure out what Blind Boy is doing? And then repackage this to sell people shit. To sell shit to young men. Now I get it.

It's grand. This is what advertising is. This is what marketing is. This is literally, this is what this world is. is this is this is literally this is what this world is but this is the process of how you end up with chips in a shopping trolley if you want to know how something goes from being a thing that you enjoy and like to being absolutely cringe and uncool this here is the exact process it's advertisers and marketers that do it like hipsters hipsters used to be cool they were cool they were the arbitrators of cool i guarantee you in 2004 in brooklyn in some tiny little restaurant someone was handed a jam jar instead of a glass

for the first time and they thought holy fuck that's clever that's cool this is so authentic this is so rustic that happened it became something that people wanted to tell their friends about oh my god they've got jam jars instead of glasses and now what have we got in 2023 if you think of a restaurant serving drinks in jam jars now you're thinking of Nando's, you're thinking of a really really uncool franchise if you think of chips served on a fucking

shovel, it's really uncool chips in a shopping trolley, which I'm sure was absolutely groundbreaking in 2011 in East London ships in a shopping trolley. It's now just a generic strange way to give me chips in my businessman wanking hotel.

And this podcast that I'm doing, it's not a million miles away from chips on a shovel. I'm trying to give you real simple storytelling and passion and curiosity. And I'm trying to identify everything that's horrendous about radio and television media spaces that have been destroyed by advertising and i want to give you something that's rougher around the edges but way more authentic and simple and depends on fucking storytelling not just storytelling very much drawn upon an Irish tradition of oral storytelling

and I love it and I fucking adore it and that's why I make this podcast each week now that only works because advertisers can't tell me what to talk about or they can't say it to me we will only advertise if you reach a certain level of listenership that's not in the equation here so i get to follow authenticity in my gut but now you've got advertising agencies in dublin trying to fucking study it and do presentations on it and they're calling me a journeyman someone who draws upon the cultural mythology of ireland and then looks inwardly and shares that and educates people. And Tommy Tiernan the same. And first off, the reason me and Tommy are both like that is because we're disturbed individuals.

Both me and Tommy have mental health issues, so we spend a lot of time being quite introspective and looking inwards. This is all you need to know about Tommy Tiernan. One day I was jogging by the river in Limerick, now Tommy's not even from Limerick, but I was jogging, by the river in Limerick, and as I was jogging,

I looked down into the mud, and I saw, a man there, head to toe, in the mud, put on a bicycle, out of river mud now, river mud,

so you're talking two feet, you don't want to go into river mud, put on a bicycle out of river mud now river mud, so you're talking two feet you don't want to go into river mud, you're wading in it, I saw a man covered in fucking river mud and he was dragging a bicycle out of it and as I was jogging past I said to myself is that Tommy Tiernan? is that Tommy? and it wasn't

but the point is I thought it was. I double-taked. I entertained the idea that Tammy Tiernan might be in a riverbed in Limerick, dragging a bicycle out of four fucking feet of mud. Because it's entirely possible. That's entirely possible. And I hang fucking milk bottles out the windows of hotels. Now I'm autistic. I don't know what his excuse is. But both of us are touched. You'd call it touched in Ireland. And I reckon that's the reason Tommy is so introspective.

It's a type of disturbance. So advertising agencies in Dublin. Are trying to reverse engineer this. And repackage it. I tell you what it means. It means in the next year year you're going to see an advertising campaign in ireland which is like a rip-off of my podcast they're going to try and take they'll try and identify whatever unique aspects of this podcast make it what it is

and then reshape it remolded and spit it out as something to try and sell protein milk to men they'll get some fucking 2FM DJ who'll be speaking doing fucking monologue essays over piano tracks guys you're very welcome here to 2FM tonight

I was meditating I was meditating I was meditating by a river in Portobello and I saw a beaver called Gnarly Hockey and as I was meditating I

I had a I had a spiritual awakening I was thinking about chips I was thinking about eating loads of chips and I started thinking about the history of chips and how they come from Belgium the chips come from Belgium

when it was freezing in the rivers we're sponsored by McCain's Oven Chips guys and 51312 51312 If you're ringing in guys If you've got any opinions If you've got any

Spicy notions Spicy notions this week guys If you've got any opinions The traffic tonight guys It's nuts on the M50 It's absolutely crazy And I was on the M50 yesterday Meditating in my car And I looked up and I was on the M50 yesterday meditating in my car and I

looked up and I saw a hawk there was a hawk floating, floating above the motorway and I looked up and I wondered what's the hawk doing floating up above actually this is I forgot to say this

yeah earlier when I was in the fucking hotel when I was looking the fucking hotel. I actually when I was looking out at that hawk. There was a hawk over the motorway. And it's something you see a lot on motorways. You see a bird or prey. Hovering above the fucking motorway.

And I've always wondered what the fuck are they doing? Why do hawks hover above motorways and hawks actually see hawks can see in ultraviolet light and animals, badgers, rats, rabbits when they cross motorways they get frightened and they piss so animals, the prey of a hawk They cross motorways. They get frightened and they piss. So animals, the prey of a hawk, piss, leave trails of piss when they run across motorways.

And then the hawks, hawks can see ultraviolet light, something we can't see, a completely different perception of reality. Hawks just see these trails of piss going across the motorways so they hang around up there they hover over motorways witnessing the piss of a rodent in a spectrum of light that our brains and eyes can't comprehend and i forgot to mention that earlier when i was when i was looking out of this this motorway hotel looking up at that hawk, that's what I was thinking about, but I got distracted by those chips. I got distracted by the chips. You're on 2FM tonight, guys.

We're going to do a guided meditation. Going to do a guided meditation here, guys, about McCain oven chips, sponsor of this podcast. Just imagine you're getting your McCain Oven Chips. Release the plastic of the package. Release the plastic. And put them in the micro for three and a half minutes. I'm going to need you to be really present with the chips

when they're involved in the microwave. Notice the branding. Golden Crunchy McCain Oven Chips. And I want you to taste all of it. notice the branding golden crunchy McCain oven chips and I want you to taste all of it every bit of it 576 312 guys if you're ringing in the traffic is crazy on the M50 put a bunch of ketchup on your chips

laughs laughs so that's what they're gonna do that's gonna happen in a year if those fucking advertisers up in Dublin they're watching me

like a hawk I'm riding around on the motorway pissing, the advertisers are hovering above the motorway staring down at my piss trails ready to eat my guts they're going to repackage me and fleece me. They're going to turn me into a jam jar with a handle. They're going to turn me into a Yorkshire

terrier and my kneecaps will fall off. I'll be sausages on a shovel, chips in a shopping trolley. And when I saw that, when I saw the slide, the slide of the advertising conference with me on it, I thought to myself, i wonder are they having this conference in a motorway hotel and then i thought about all the advertisers retiring to their to their hotel rooms and thinking what am i doing with my life and being unable to sleep because this is something that happens me in fucking hotels especially multi-story hotels This happened to me in Toronto because I was on the the 35th floor sleeping in a hotel bed

knowing that every single room in the whole hotel is identical. So I'm sleeping on a hotel bed and there's 35 other people underneath me in the exact same space also sleeping in the bed directly underneath me. And the same space also sleeping in the bed directly underneath me and the visual image of that was so complex it prevented me from going to sleep and in the same hotel

when I couldn't sleep and I was awake and giddy and the headboard the headboard in Toronto and in this hotel was like varnished wood and as I looked at the headboard under a certain light I saw the faint imprint of a hand like a cave painting like a cave painting that's thousands of years old and I instinctively placed my hand

onto the strange imprint of the hand on the headboard and as I was doing it I'm like that's someone's sweaty fuck hand that's what that is someone was riding on this bed and the man put his hand against the headboard

to rest it his sweat imprinted slightly on the varnish and now I'm fucking touching it like I'm trying to communicate with a fucking homo erectus from 90,000 years ago. The sweaty palms of a business fuck. And then I lay back down.

Started thinking again about how many people are sleeping directly underneath me. That brought on feelings of anxiety. Then I started to think about the anxiety and became afraid that I was going to have a panic attack. And then I looked over at the hotel kettle and I thought to myself, I wonder if I pissed into the hotel kettle and boiled it. Would that stop me having a panic attack? And then the visual image of boiling my own piss. It took me away from panic attack land.

I think I then went to sleep. I didn't piss in the hotel kettle. But I achieved a momentary understanding with people who do. So best of luck Dublin advertisers. Best of luck to ye. If you'd like to replicate that. To sell men hoovers and whiskey. Alright that's all I've got time for this week. This was supposed to be a mental health podcast, but that's just not how it, it didn't unfold

that way. I had to follow my heart. I'll catch you next week. Alright, in the meantime, rub a dog, wink at a swan dog bless rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.