The Blindboy Podcast - The Mental Health of Adults who live with their Parents

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

A recent study found that 65% of Irish adults aged 25 to 35 live with their parents. I explore the impact of that on emotional wellbeing and identity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dress your best to caress the heron's sweaty breast, you wrinkly fintance. Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. If this is your first episode, go back and listen to an earlier episode to familiarise yourself with the lore of this podcast. I had a rare few pints at the weekend. Alcohol isn't really part of my life anymore. A few years back, I used to love having a few cans of beer maybe once a week and then over the pandemic it turned to once every two weeks and now I just don't really drink anymore unless there's a special occasion because the hangovers in my late 30s they're just not worth it.

in my late 30s, they're just not worth it. It's guaranteed two and a half, three day hangover. Guaranteed. Doesn't matter how much water I drink. Doesn't matter if I go for a walk the next day. Guaranteed three day hangover. So that caused me to radically reassess my relationship with alcohol. But this weekend I was doing a writer's room for some television stuff that may or may not happen so I was writing with my co-writer who I write all my television stuff with and our process has always been nine to five writing in a writer's room then you have an intermission and then in the evening you go for some cheerful pints and while you're having cheerful pints and discussion and merriment and fun creative problems that came up in the script during the daytime tend to get solved with the

freedom and silliness of pints and merriment so So that's a special occasion for me. I had six pints and foolishly smoked cigarettes which I hate doing but it always happens after a couple of pints and predictably I got a two and a half day hangover from it. But I did have a wonderful night and I went to a comedy club completely unplanned and there were some wonderful comedians. But an observation I do have to make, especially to Dublin comedians, comedians from Dublin, when you come down to Limerick, or not just Limerick, anywhere that isn't Dublin. I noticed a trend, not just last Saturday, but any anytime I'm in a comedy club outside of Dublin

when Dublin comedians leave Dublin and come to Limerick or Kerry or Cork or whatever, they always open their set with a joke that basically calls us culties a joke which

it kind of breaks the ice by saying to the audience you're all buggers A joke which, it kind of breaks the ice by saying to the audience, you're all buggers and your town is really, really small and I can't even get proper phone reception down here and you live in a tiny town and I'm from Dublin, which is a big, massive city and I'm coming down here to your uncivilised, small little country town. And it happens a lot. And I just want to say to Dublin comedians,

you should stop doing that because it doesn't have the effect that you think it has. It happened three times this weekend in a comedy club in Limerick with Dublin comedians. But I've seen this all my life. Even years ago when my first gigs would have been at comedy clubs and there were other Dublin comedians on the bill and we might have been down in Cork or Kerry or Donegal or wherever here's the thing no one's offended by it but it's just simply not accurate when a Dublin

comedian comes to Limerick and they make a joke and the subtext of this joke is I'm from big giant Dublin city and I'm down here now with G Colchies. The only person in the room who's thinking that is you. People from Limerick, Cork, Kerry, Tipperary, wherever. We don't look at Dublin as this big giant cosmopolitan city. Most of us have been abroad. We've been to places like Toronto or Melbourne. Most people have been to London or lived there. We've seen actual big cities. We view Dublin people as being cultures as well. We don't have a problem with being culties, but we see Dublin people as culties too. We don't view ye as being different to us in any way. So when Dublin people are like, I'm from Dublin City, the biggest city in Ireland. We've been to

Dublin, it's just a couple of Galways stuck together. The joke isn't doing what you intended to do. It doesn't offend people, but it impacts your set. It leaves the audience feeling confused. Like maybe 30 years ago, or a bit longer, there was genuinely a huge cultural difference between Dublin City and other places in the rest of Ireland. Like my brothers in the 80s, if they wanted certain music or certain clothes or access to certain subcultures, they had to travel to Dublin where things were a little bit more cosmopolitan. We don't experience culture shock when we go to Dublin

now. 30 years ago, yeah, someone from Limerick or someone from rural Tipperary they would have gotten a train up to Dublin and went wow I've never seen people dressed like that oh my god I can't believe they have this here like I remember being a child being a child in a comic book shop in Limerick called Forbidden Planet and I was a child this It was a really cool space where you could get comic books, magazines. They had a computer where if you gave them money you could use the internet on their computer and websites were things the person behind the counter had to tell you about using words and I remember being a little child and I was eavesdropping on a conversation that a customer was having with the girl behind the counter

and these people would have been in their early 20s and they would have considered themselves to be cool they're in Forbidden Planet and I remember I remember the girl behind the counter saying my dad's driving me up to Dublin there's this film called Train Spotting you can't see it in Limerick

none of the cinemas are showing it. It's an independent movie and it's getting great reviews. But my dad is bringing me to Dublin to go to a cinema that is showing this film called Train Spotting. And the customer said, why do you want to see a film about trains?

And then the woman behind the counter said, it's not about trains, it's about heroin. And it's a moment I really recall because I felt cool. As I really recall because I felt cool as a little child I felt cool overhearing that but that person going up to Dublin my da has to drive me to Dublin because there's an independent film that you can only see in in a cinema up there now that's cool that's culture shock that person is a cultie going up to Dublin with wide eyes to experience culture that cannot be experienced in Limerick City. Those days are over. They're gone. It's done.

It's gone. That type of cultural scarcity doesn't exist anymore. We don't care that Dublin has a Krispy Kreme restaurant or multiple Nando's that's not impressive we all experience culture at the same time now via the internet so even with artists like when I started my career in the mid 2000s if you were serious about being a comedian being a musician being an artist you went to Dublin because that's where stuff is happening like no your band isn't going to get discovered because only the venues in Dublin have got A&R people from the record companies going there or you're not going to get discovered as a comedian in Dublin because someone from RTE is in that infrastructure is gone The closest thing you'll get to it is people.

People might go to Berlin for that. But even still, they're going to Berlin because it's a big, giant, massive city with a bunch of artists and the rent is still kind of cheap. To Dublin comedians, Dublin people in general, this culty business, it doesn't make sense anymore we see you're buggers if you're from Dublin you're a bugger you're a culty bugger the exact same as us and that's brilliant, that's ok embrace it

we embrace being culties I love being a fucking culty and it's this strange post-colonial hangover like what it really means is beyond the pale. During the phase of English colonisation of Ireland, going back to the 12th century, the area around Dublin, stretching to Kildare, was known as the Pale. And the Pale was the area where the English traditionally had full control. And the customs of the pale were seen as civilized English customs.

And then everything beyond the pale, because the word pale means fence, everything beyond that fence of Kildare and Dublin, everything beyond that was savage. That was the area that the Brits couldn't control. And even to this day, like, English people, posh English people, you'll hear them in conversation. They'll refer to something that's unacceptable as being beyond the pale. They don't even know what that means.

But what it really means is, it's that area outside of Dublin where all the paddies are. So when you call people cultures outside of Dublin, what you're really saying is, we're still civilised. We're still civilised like the Brits. The Brits showed us how to behave ourselves, not ye. We are good English subjects, we are. Except now this notion of cosmopolitan urbanity

has been replaced with the trappings of American consumerism. Why am I a Colchie, Mr. Dublin Man? Because you haven't got a Krispy Kreme. We've got a Krispy Kreme donut shop, we do. Whereas you, you colchie, your Krispy Kreme donuts come in little boxes that you have to buy in petrol stations. So that's the difference between me and you.

So embrace being colchies, Dublin people, please. We know that ye are no more than a 15 minute drive from a cow. Same as us. Maybe we're a 10 minute drive from a cow. It's okay to just be cultures. It's okay for all of us in Ireland to be cultures. It's fine.

If you want your culture shock maybe go to Toronto. Or go to Sydney. Or fuck me. Have you seen those cities in China? Cities like Chongqing. That have been mostly built up in the past 20 years. Like go onto YouTube and type in Chongqing 4K walking tour.

And see what cities look like in China now. 4k walking tour and see what cities look like in china now in the entire skyline is one led light that's synchronized with itself literal blade runner that's culture shock not multiple irish rural towns stuck together by sellotape and everyone beeping outside an American donut shop saying look at me from atop your pig Mr. Culchie for I am a sophisticated urban dandy. That's what we see when you call us Culchies. It doesn't have the desired effect. We don't covet anything. We don't covet your lifestyle. We don't covet what you have up there. And I'm not disrespecting Dublin by saying any of this. It's just Dublin has an unrealistic perception of itself as a city.

And if you are from Dublin and you're fuming, you're now really insulted because the man from Limerick has said, you're a cultie too, then maybe ask yourself, if it feels really offensive to be called a cult she maybe then you shouldn't be saying that to other people because we're in solidarity with you we're like come on in come on we can see the english lord just went past on his horse and his top hat fell off you picked it off the mud and now you're wearing it

but there will always be cow shit on that top hat always because you picked it up off the mud and now you're wearing it but there will always be cow shit on that top hat always because you picked it up off the ground from an english man's head the word culture i believe comes from the irish phrase cool on tea which means back of the house and rural people rural poor people lived at the back of the house and the wealthy people lived at the front of the house so the rest of us we're all in Ireland going come on to the back of the house Dublin you can be cultures with us and it's fine everything's okay we're all paddies in London I had a strange old day today I ran into my office now I love running into my office I wasn't frantically running in a panic I chose to jog into my office. I wasn't frantically running in a panic.

I chose to jog into my office, which is something I do a couple of times a week. I have a lovely route. I wake up nice and early. And I start my day with an 8km jog into my office. And then I get into my office and I'm able to have a shower. And in my bag I bring a change of clothes. And usually what I do, finish my run, I'm sweaty, I have a shower and in my bag I bring a change of clothes and usually what I do, finish my run, I'm sweaty, I have my shower and I wash my running shorts in the shower with me and then hang them out a window to dry. It's a very streamlined process that results in consistently clean

running shorts. So I did it this morning, Had a wonderful run. Got into the shower. Washed my running shorts. And then when I finished I'd forgotten my trousers. I'd left them at home. I'd forgotten to pack trousers to the office. Then I was like oh fuck. Bollocks. Now I'm in my office, I have no trousers and I have soaking wet running shorts. What am I gonna do? So what I had to do was squeeze as much water out of the running shorts as possible and then put them on wet and then I had to walk around Limerick in soaking wet running shorts at 9 in the morning until I could find a shop that would sell me trousers. The only place open was Dunn Stores so I went into Dunn Stores dripping wet, freezing, fucking freezing with wet

shorts. You could see the outline of my dick. Dripping wet shorts in Dunn Stores at 9 in the morning. I grabbed the first set of fucking trousers that I saw. I didn't even take them through the proper checkout. I went straight I didn't even take him through the proper checkout. I went straight to the self-service checkout with the trousers, bought them real quickly, ran back to my office, got into my office, took out the trousers and because I'd bought them at the fucking self-service checkout, the security tag was still on him. Big white plastic security tag on the thigh of my trousers. See if I bought them at the checkout then the person working at the checkout would have removed the security tag but this didn't happen. I went to the self-service checkout and I had my earphones in so it probably

did beep as I left Dunn stores and I didn't hear it. So now I'm back in my office going fuck, Dunn stores and I didn't hear it. So now I'm back in my office going, fuck, fuck, what am I going to do now? I'm not going back Mr. Visible Dick wet shorts into Dunn's to return, to have a conversation with somebody to return

the pants to get the tag taken off. And I'm not going back with the trousers on asking someone to navigate my tie at nine in the morning. With the security tag removing gun. Or however they do it. It probably wouldn't have worked.

I'd have been in my underpants in duns. I felt myself panicking. So I did. What I usually do when I feel myself panicking. I breathe mindfully. From the diaphragm. And I get a load of oxygen into my brain and I say right let's think about this critically. The worst thing that's gonna happen is that I have

to spend the rest of my day wearing a pair of trousers that have a visible security plastic security tag on the tie. So that's what I did and I used it as an opportunity to confront social anxiety because it's a little bit of a faux pas I walked around my office my office which is absolutely full of accountants and solicitors and I walked around my office with a security tag hanging off my my trousers and I went out for lunch with a security tag on my tie and I met a girl called Natalie who'd moved to Australia who I hadn't spoken to since I was 16 years of age

and she was back in Limerick and I had a full conversation with her in the street with a security tag on my tie and she looked at it but she didn't say anything and I didn't bring it up

and she probably thought after all these years he's still an odd cunt. Natalie, having met me in the street, I know you're probably listening to this week's podcast, so now you know why I had the security tag on my tie. But basically, what I'm getting at is, the situation was outside of my control. I was very busy.

I had a lot of work to do today. Prepping the podcast, getting ready to record it. I was very busy, had a lot of work to do today, prepping the podcast, getting ready to record it. I didn't want to go ringing somebody who I know, inconveniencing them, saying can you bring me some trousers into my office. I just accepted this situation is not in my control. To bring it into my control would be a great inconvenience and even better, let's use this opportunity as a little exercise in confronting social anxiety because that's my fear my fear is oh no I'm gonna have to walk around the place with a blatant security tag on my pants what will people think? Now I do have to acknowledge class privilege here.

At no point was I worried that somebody would see me and think that I stole the trousers because I would have carried myself with a type of middle class entitlement to the trousers which connoted ownership. So the worst that people would have thought is what a weird bastard or that poor man doesn't know that he's got a security tag on his tie. I wonder what's wrong with him. So the worst that people would have thought is, what a weird bastard.

Or that poor man doesn't know that he's got a security tag on his tie. I wonder what's wrong with him. And my propensity towards social anxiety. My desire to not be the centre of attention in social situations. My neurodivergence. These things make me irrationally fearful and full of anxiety. Full of social anxiety. So I sat with it and I said I'm harming nobody I didn't steal the trousers let's meet my needs and my needs were I need to

work I need to record my podcast I need to get my lunch I need to go about my fucking day that's the most important thing and I need to meet these needs and when people in public stare at me that's okay that's all right so I turned the thing into quite a useful exercise in resilience emotional and mental resilience in the fight against social anxiety which I don't really experience social anxiety that much but it's always there potentially and when I did experience social anxiety when this was something which long ago literally had me agoraphobic where I would be terrified of being in a public space this is the type of exercise that I would do.

As exposure therapy. Like I remember. Maybe I would have been 20 years of age. I was in college. I was emerging from severe social anxiety. Absolute terror. The idea of being in a public space. And doing anything. Which would cause everybody to look at me.

The fear of that would have given me intense panic attacks. Panic attacks so extreme that I would avoid certain public places like libraries or pubs. And I remember really being on the mend from anxiety and attending therapy regularly. One of the things you do when you're actively trying to become more mentally healthy or you're actively trying to overcome irrational fears because that's an irrational fear.

The fear of being in in a public place and everyone looking at you there's no actual danger there the fear is completely irrational but it's one thing in my own thoughts it is irrational to be afraid of a public space it's one thing thinking it but to actually become a person who isn't afraid of a public space or doesn't experience social anxiety. For me, I engaged in a process called moving these thoughts from my head to my heart. And how I moved thoughts from my head to my heart, I did it through changes of behaviour. And one thing I did when I was 19 or 20 in college once. I was in the library.

And I got up from my desk. And I deliberately knocked over a small waste paper basket. And it made a noise. And it knocked some papers onto the ground. And a Capri Sun packet. And it created a little mess. and it knocked some papers onto the ground, and a Capri Sun packet, and it created a little mess. And every person in the library that was around me,

who was studying their work, in that moment they looked up, and they looked at me, they looked at the person who'd just knocked over a little waste paper basket. A couple of months previously, that would be a fantasy of my worst possible fear. Knocking over a waste paper basket in public, doing something foolish or silly or making a mistake and then suddenly everybody's staring. The thought of that, just thinking about it, would have given me an anxiety attack and I would have overestimated everybody's opinion

of me in that moment. I would have imagined public shame. I would have imagined that each person who saw me knocking over the waste paper basket would think what a fucking idiot, what a fool, oh I'm so embarrassed for him, I would hate to be that person person oh my god and I would wrongly project these irrational fears into the fantasy people in my head and here I am knocking over a waste paper basket in the fucking library deliberately and what did I do I noticed everybody's eyes on me I noticed it I sat with it and I just very simply put the waste paper basket back. I put the papers back in and the Capri Sun back in and I sat back down and everybody else went back to their work. And that was it. I lived it. I lived the thing that

I was terrified of and I proved to myself. I moved a thought. From my head to my heart. By changing behaviour. I proved to myself. That wasn't so bad at all. No one gives a fuck about me knocking over a waste paper basket. I took responsibility. I put it back.

I doubt anyone gave a shit. But little acts like that. Little small deliberates. Changes in behaviour exposure therapy doing the things that I was terrified of testing them out in the real environment like a scientist in the social environment and then seeing and feeling

why am I afraid of this? who cares if everyone looks at me for two fucking seconds because I knocked over a waste paper basket and I did that today with that security tag on my tie who gives a fuck if I'm walking around town with a security

tag on my tie who gives a shit who cares I'm hurting nobody even if someone does look and fucking laughs and goes look at that fucking idiot look at that silly cunt with the security tag in his tie even if that does happen who cares that's their problem I'm doing nothing wrong but I tell you what had I made the choice this morning and said to myself oh no this is fucking awful this is terrible

I cannot think of a solution right now I can't walk around town with a security fucking tag on me I can't go about my day and work with a security tag on me what if everybody stares what if people laugh oh my god that would be awful

if I entertained that fear and then decided you know fuck it I'm just gonna go home I'm gonna ring a taxi I'm gonna run into the taxi and the taxi is gonna take me home and if I'd have done that I'd have fucked up my day it would have taken too long to get a taxi home change my pants and come back I wouldn't have been able to meet my needs. I'd have been behind schedule on my work. I would have allowed an irrational fear, the irrational fear of public shaming for having a security tag on my leg.

I would have allowed that irrational fear to win. I'd have been angry and frustrated because my day would have been put out of sync. I'd have been behind in my work and then I would have been put out of sync, I'd have been behind in my work and then I would have experienced a feeling of shame, a feeling of shame and weakness because I gave in to the anxiety and then what would happen to my internal thoughts? What would my self-talk be then? You stupid useless fucker. You weak fucker. First of all you're a fucking idiot for forgetting your trousers in the first place. You thick fuck.

Secondly you're a weak coward. Your mental health isn't in check. You gave in to a pair of trousers. You couldn't even face walking around town with a tag on your pants because you were too scared of people laughing at you. And now look where you are. You're behind on your work. You're going to miss the deadline for the podcast. You are such a fuck up. And that incident, that one small incident is a snowball that grows and grows and grows. Because then I'd be in bed tonight stressed out because I wouldn't have delivered the podcast I wanted to deliver had I taken that time out to address the trouser situation so I'd be in bed disappointed that I hadn't delivered good work to ye I'd be in a cycle of shame and then I'd wake up the next morning judging myself harshly feeling weak now it's nine o'clock the next

morning my emails come in I have to address those emails now the emails become terrifying and impossible because I've spent all of yesterday calling myself a piece of shit so my self-esteem is low I'm not addressing the emails I procrastinate them I create more problems for myself and that is how one small incident that's how one small incident could actually spiral to a point where in a couple of weeks time my mental health is in utter shit

and I'm experiencing anxiety and depression none of this is an exaggeration this is how this shit happens for me and maintaining good consistent mental health for me has to do with catching that shit in the moment and I can't catch that shit in the moment unless I'm emotionally regulated exercise is hugely helpful in these situations like that's an anxiety inducing situation not just for me but but for for anybody Imagine you get into work and you're in a crowded

building, a crowded office, and there's a big security tag on your pants and there's not really anything you can do about it. That's a bit of a triggering situation for everybody. Now you might be thinking, well Blind By, what I would have done is I'd have gone back to Dunn Stores with the trousers on and the tag, then I'd have spoken to someone who's working there. I would have used the changing room in Dunn's for the person who's working there to help me with the trouser situation and give me a second pair of trousers. Looking back, I realise that now and I think the reason I didn't come to that solution this morning, I think that might be the old autism. Instead of finding a really rational social solution which involves communicating with people I found a different solution which didn't involve thinking socially and being helped by other people

so I arrived at a different solution that's a little bit more eccentric so I think that might be the old autism there and it took me several hours to figure that out. My immediate solutions tend to be how can I help me rather than how can I navigate the social fabric of other humans to ask them to help me. I tend not to jump to solutions that require small talk with a stranger but what I'm trying to avoid when situations like that present themselves is an emotional hijack. I don't want emotion to be so overwhelming that it dictates my thoughts and then my actions. But because I just had an eight kilometer run, I'm already feeling great. I grounded myself with nature. I had some fantastic breathing. I feel wonderful. My heart has been pumping. Because I'd just done that. When an

anxiety-inducing, triggering situation presented itself, I could emotionally regulate. Situation is happening here that's outside of my control. Let's breathe. We're not going to let emotion and the fear of what terrible things might happen, because my fear was, I was right back in school, you know, my fear was, I'm going to have to walk around my office with a security tag on my tie, and I'm going to have to walk around town, and people are going to point and laugh, and I'm going to experience the height of public humiliation, and someone might record me with their phone.

That was my irrational fear. Those were the thoughts. I didn't allow those thoughts and fears to dictate my actions. I breathed from my diaphragm and said let's think about this critically. What are my needs? My needs are to do a full day's fucking work and it also felt good about the fact that I'd gone into the shop with my wet shorts on and bought the pants and bought the trousers I was already feeling good about that I went back to the office with the trousers and I said fuck it man it's a security tag who cares who gives a shit and not only who gives a shit wear the security tag proudly on your thigh

and deal with the odd little strange look that you're going to get throughout the day and live with it and notice it and that's what I did I noticed every time somebody looked at the security tag on my thigh I got a couple of strange looks but ultimately because I was cool with it because I was actively not giving a shit they just moved on they just moved on with their life because who gives a fuck about another person's trousers who cares I didn't go back in the duns in case the security alarm went off when I went back in which is reasonable but I just wanted to speak about that situation there because I know it sounds fucking nuts I know that's a mad situation but life is mad mad shit happens but I was presented

with a choice today a choice to emotionally regulate and deal with this issue situation through rational thinking and rational behavior or an irrational fear-based response that could literally spiral me into poor mental health. So I'm gonna have a little ocarina pause now. I don't have the ocarina but you know what I am gonna do? I still have the tag here on my fucking pants because I'm wearing the same pants. So let's play the security security tag pause here. I'm going to flick it on my tie. That sounded unnecessarily sexual. I'm going to flick it with a vape.

You can hear it there where I did try to loosen it off. It's not one of those ones with ink. Or it might. Rock City are the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m.

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It's the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen.

Only in theaters April 5th. Be? Actually, it might be. I don't think it is, though. It's one of the cheap ones. So you're gonna hear an advert for something there. You would have heard an advert there where I... That's the maddest ocarina pause we've had yet while i gently flicked the security tag on my tie with a vape with an elf bar support for this podcast comes from you the listener via the patreon page patreon.com forward

slash the blind boy podcast if you enjoy podcast. If it brings you solace. Distraction. Assistance. A feeling of company. Whatever. If you enjoy the work that I do on this podcast. Please consider paying me for that work. Because this is my full time job.

And having this podcast funded by patrons. It means that. I can pay all my bills. I can rent out this office. if I accidentally arrive into my office and forget my trousers I can comfortably absorb the cost of purchasing new trousers in the moment this is my job, this is how I earn a living this is how I deliver the podcast each week and put in the work that needs to be put in

all I'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month. That's it. If you can't afford that, if you don't have the money, don't worry about it. You can listen for free. You listen for free because the person who can afford it is paying for you to listen for free. So everybody gets a podcast and I get to earn a living and it keeps this independent. I'm not beholden to advertisers. If I feel this week I really want to talk about a security tag that got stuck to my thigh I can do that without worrying about the episode going viral or some advertiser saying you can't talk about that no one gives a fuck about that. We need you to talk about Kylie Jenner or to platform a fascist. We need your content not to be enjoyed, but to generate debate. Well, fuck off and advertise somewhere else, I say to that.

Because this is an independent podcast. So support whatever independent podcasters you enjoy. Leave a review on whatever app you listen to a podcast that you enjoy on. Follow the podcast. Follow it, leave a review. All that stuff really helps independent podcasters my england and scotland tour is on sale this friday at 10 a.m we're announcing it tomorrow well i'm announcing it now all right it's happening in november it's the tour it's a podcast tour but it's also the tour for my brand new book, Topography Ibernica, that's coming out in November.

So, here is the tour of England and Scotland. On the 12th of November, I'm going to be in the Troxy in London. On the 13th, I'm in Manchester Academy. On the 14th, I'm in the Liverpool Philharmonic. On the 16th, I'm in the Warwick Arts Centre in Coventry. On the 17th, I'm in the Warwick Arts Centre in Coventry. On the 17th, I'm in the Assembly Rooms in Edinburgh. Most of my listeners are in England and Scotland. So that will sell out fast.

And it goes on sale this Friday at 10am. And the tickets are at fein.co.uk forward slash blind buy. So that's fein, F-A-N-E, fein.co.uk forward slash blind buy so that's fane f-a-n-e fane.co.uk forward slash blind buy and that'll be on sale this friday at 10 a.m and also i'll put a link somewhere on my instagram blind buy boat club on instagram give me a follow and then this month i've got live podcasts saturday the 26th of august i'm in Cork Opera House. Very few tickets left for that. Monday the 28th of August I'm in Vicar Street in Dublin. Only a few small tickets left for that. Can't wait for that gig. Monaghan on the 30th of August. Saturday the 30th of August in Monaghan

I'm at the Patrick Cavanagh Weekend. 18th of November Belfast the Waterfront. Only a small amount of tickets left for that. And then the 19th in Vicar Street. 19th of November, Belfast, the waterfront. Only a small amount of tickets left for that. And then the 19th in Vicar Street, 19th of November, my official book launch in Ireland in Vicar Street, which is also a live podcast to come along. What I'd like to speak about this week is a damning report came out about the number of adults in Ireland

who are still living with their parents. 68% of Irish adults between the ages of 25 and 35 are still living with their parents. This is because of the housing crisis. This is because of the rent crisis. It's not choice. Another way to phrase this is rent and housing are beyond the means of 65% of Irish adults between the ages of 25 and 35. Now I'm specifically using the word adults there because unfortunately this has raised its head again. This report was a Europe-wide report, which was done by an organisation called Eurofund. So they did it all around Europe. Ireland is an outlier. It really sticks out as being particularly bad in this situation.

60 fucking... 68. I said 65. 68% of adults from 25 to 35 living at home with their parents in Ireland that's the outlier in Europe I'm using the word adults most of the reporting

in Ireland from the newspapers it's not using the word adults it's saying 68% of young people between the ages of 25 and 35 live at home with their parents this is that shit I'm always speaking about, lads. Politicians and certain sections of the media are refusing to call adults adults,

instead using this term young people. I'm sorry, but if you're between the ages of 25 and 35, you are an adult. You're not a young people. You're a fucking adult. Now technically, like 25 to 30, certainly, that's a young person. That's still a young person. But that's not why the politicians and the media

are saying young person in this respect. They can't say the word adult because it looks too bad. 68% of adults between the ages of 25 and 35 They can't say the word adult because it looks too bad. 68% of adults between the ages of 25 and 35 living at home with their parents. That is damning. That is a damning indictment on the system. Now I've done many podcasts on the housing crisis and the rent crisis. I've made TV shows about it.

So I'm not going to go into detail about that. You know what I'm chatting about if you want to hear some of my housing podcasts look up anything I did with Rory Hearn on this podcast who's a social policy expert but when I was 25 when I was 25 years of age this was during the recession I considered myself an adult

I really did consider myself an adult. I don't think anyone can make the argument that a 25 year old is not an adult. In fact 25 is definitely the age. Definitely. That you have to look yourself into the mirror and go I'm a fucking adult. 25 is a frightening year. It's a getting your shit together year. 25 is a frightening year it's a getting your shit together year 25 is when

it's when you don't want to go to you feel a little bit too old for nightclubs at 25 at 25 you don't want to be in the bar where the 20 year olds are you don't want to socialise with people who are still in college 25 is when you say to yourself I need to start thinking about college. 25 is when you say to yourself, I need to start thinking about a career. 25 is when you say, I kind of need to start thinking about meeting a

life partner. 25 is the year when you notice your body changing a bit. You realize that in your teens and early 20s, you had this endless stream of energy that at 25 you go, oh fuck, I took that for granted. You mean that stops now? So 25 is the age that you go, shit, I have to start exercising regularly all the time just so I can feel positive about living.

25 is when you seriously start thinking about running and jogging. That's when that becomes a big part of people's lives. 25 is adult. Without any shadow of a fucking doubt, I don't think anyone is arguing that a 25-year-old is not an adult. Now, one of the recent things that you'd see in the media, especially the past five years,

is you see it a lot on tiktok people claiming that the prefrontal cortex in the brain isn't fully developed until 25 so adulthood should start at 25 technically that's a real marquee area and when you speak to actual neuroscientists they tend to say that's bullshit. They did research in 2022. And they said you can't really have a one size fits all. Answer for human brain development like that. But I could see why that would be really appealing right now. If you were in your early 20s. When I was 18.

Before the crash. When I was fucking 18. I was an adult. And society told me you were an adult. And 18 year olds that I knew, at fucking 18, they went out and got jobs and lived in apartments and had fully autonomous adult lives because the economic circumstances allowed that back then. I moved out of my parents' house 21. Because back then. At 21. I was seen as a fucking loser.

There was massive social pressure. For me to be living at home at 2021. Back in the 2000s. That was seen as quite pathetic. And it had a huge impact on my self esteem at the time. And that's why I got out at 21 because everyone I knew at 1920 and I'm not fucking joking you everyone I knew had a job had their own car and lived in their own apartment and the price of rent was not even something that you it wasn't

even something that was spoken about rent was just a regular little expense that everyone could do this was before the recession of course and if someone went to somebody who was 19 in the early 2000s and said to them you're not an adult you're not an adult until you're 25 that 19 year old would have turned around and said fuck you I've been an adult for one year I'm 19 I've got a job I've got a car and I've got an apartment I'm an adult fuck you that's how it was so this for me explains a lot of why why I'd see a video on TikTok every so often and it's someone arguing to the camera well I'm only 23 and the prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until

I'm 25 so I'm not an adult until I'm 25 if I was 22 or 23 now I'd probably be saying that about myself because otherwise I'd feel like a failure because I'd be living at home with my parents but like I would not have a choice. I wouldn't have any other choice. I'd be living at home with my parents and I wouldn't like to call myself an adult because I wouldn't be able to look at any aspect of my life and see the trappings of adulthood like how it used to be was oh I know I'm between the ages of 18 and 25 so I know I'm an adult

but I don't have to be one of the responsible ones I can still kind of do whatever the fuck I want and then you get to 25 and it's like I know I'm an adult but now I have to be one of the responsible ones and that's how it used to be now that's very difficult because the parameters of adult responsibility center around adult autonomy and autonomy means

having control over your own life being able to make concrete adult decisions for yourself. And how the fuck do you do that when you're living at home with your parents? When I moved out at 21, like I spoke earlier about part of my journey towards mental health and for healthy self-esteem and to have a healthy sense of identity, a huge part of my journey has always been through changing actions and behaviour, not just thinking about things. And when I moved out at 21, something as simple as having to do my own laundry, having to do my own laundry.

If I don't wash my clothes, my clothes will smell. If I don't purchase and cook my dinner, I won't have anything to eat. I'll have no food. You see, when I was 19, living with my parents, my mental health was so bad and my self-esteem was so low that I did not feel like an adult I did not feel like an adult who was capable of standing on their own two feet and the extreme pain and shame that arose from that was because society was telling me you are an adult all your friends are cooking their own dinners all your friends are off living in

apartments they're all washing their own clothes, they have cars, they pay insurance, the fuck are you doing you loser? That continual mindset coupled with my social anxiety genuinely left me feeling utterly incapable, I didn't think I'd ever be able to move out but I did at 21, I did because I had to from my own emotional mental well-being and it wasn't difficult because rent wasn't expensive and within about three months of showing myself yes you can wash your own clothes and dry them yes you can buy your own food and prepare your own meals yes you can get a car and drive it I was working three drive it. I was working three nights a week. I was working three nights a week at 21 as a painting teacher. I was teaching adults painting

three nights a week and with that I was able to afford rent and a car and this lived experience of autonomy, proving and showing to myself that yes I can stand on my own two feet, was massive for my self confidence, my mental health, my emotional well being and my sense of identity. That was very important. My sense of who I am. I'm no longer a son. I'm no longer connected to my parents. I'm a fucking autonomous adult.

I have parents, but I view them now as equal adults. My parents are adults and I see all their flaws and their weaknesses and I view them as human beings, which was really tough because literally within a couple of months of me comfortably saying to myself you are an adult and and viewing my father as an as an adult as well as an equal not as just my dad within a few months of that feeling he died suddenly and that's really tough for me because I never ever got to have an adult conversation with my dad. The only conversations I have with my dad were me as a teenager who feels like a child

and him as a parent and the weird thing with that is so much time has passed now it's hard for me to remember my dad. It's hard for me to say to myself now I wonder what my dad would think of that because I have zero adult context for a conversation with him but what I'm getting at here is a crucial moment in adulthood the feeling of adulthood the identity your own identity as an adult a very important part of that identity is tied up with your autonomy. You've truly flown the nest. The feeling that you can truly fend for yourself. The feeling that you, yes you have parents, but you don't need them for anything.

And when you get that autonomy and you no longer rely upon your parents, you get to experience your sense of adult identity and then you get to see your parents as just a pair of flawed adult human beings and it's a beautiful moment and an entire fucking generation aren't getting that right now the average age that people in Ireland according to this report the average age that people are are moving out of their family home is 27 in Ireland I don't think I'd be where I am now if I had to live with my parents until I was 27 I'm not I'm not making this about myself but what I'm I'm using lived experience to try and communicate these points I went from severe agoraphobia and not able to leave my bedroom, to being 22, 23 and having the beginnings of a fairly successful entertainment career.

It requires a lot of confidence, drive, ambition, frustration tolerance to turn creativity in your bedroom into an actual career in the entertainment industry. I was only able to do that because when I was 21 I got to wash my own clothes and cook my own dinner and show to myself you are an adult with an adult identity and you can be fully autonomous. I don't think I'd have ended up in the career that I'm in if I'd have been living with my parents until I was 27. And I'm not talking about practical things. I'm not talking about having my own space to make music. Financially, none of that.

I'm talking straight up self-esteem. Self-esteem is required to achieve a goal. Everyone has goals. Mine just happened to be an entertainment career. Yours could be completely different but it doesn't matter. It's still a goal. It's still something that you would like to achieve that's going to require frustration tolerance, drive, confidence, and most importantly, a real solid sense of self. I know who I am. I'm very confident about who I am, because I know who the fuck I am. I know what I want and how I can try to get it. And that is quite young adult thinking right there. When you're in your fucking early twenties, that's when you start to go, wonder what I'd like to be doing in my thirties.

How can I, how can I go about that? I wouldn't have been able to do that if my ma was washing my jocks at 23 or making my dinners at 24. Cause I haven't flown the the nest I haven't jumped out of the fucking nest I mean it's a tired old metaphor but a baby bird has to jump out of the nest at some point and they're faced with crashing to the ground or finding their own wings and flying and when you move out of your gaff when you move away from your parents that's what you you're doing. You fly the nest. You get out, you're on your own, and you find autonomy. And through autonomy comes a solid sense of self and self-identity. And once you have your identity, then questions like, where do you see yourself in 10 years,

become realistic things that you can think about. This conversation is not being had. It gets dressed up as mental health or be kind. It's dressed up in all this shit. But the conversation of, are our adults able to psychologically operate as adults? Given that 60 fucking 8% of our adults are living at home with their parents

and you might have like some of ye might have wonderful parents who understand this shit and understand the importance of your own autonomy but humans are flawed and parents are humans and parents are flawed the example I always use when I think about this shit is and this this this example that I'm using is becoming less and less relevant as the years go by I always found myself having to be careful around Christmas time because at Christmas time I might go back to my ma's house for like a week and live in my ma's house for a week and I'd have this conversation with my much older siblings who were in their 50s

and I've mentioned this on podcasts and people have related to it but sometimes when you go home at Christmas and spend too much time in your house in your family of origin around your parents your maturity can end up regressing you find yourself bickering with one of your brothers or sisters in a real childish way or you find your mother or your father saying something to you and you fly off

the handle you're reacting emotionally like you're a teenager and then before you know it it's Christmas and your ma is making your breakfast for you you know she just wants to make you a fry up it's grand or she decides she wants to wash some of your clothes and these acts these childhood acts that change the relationship all of a sudden you start to not feel like an autonomous adult anymore and you need to get the fuck away from your house. You need to get the fuck away from your mother's house. That's a very common experience that adults have when they return to their parents' home for a short amount of time. It's unbelievably common.

It's the experience of being home for Christmas. It's fun to be with family, but if you're not careful, you lose sense of being an adult and you start behaving like a teenager and then you go what the fuck is wrong with me and you need to get the fuck out just so you can have your identity back well what's it like for the 68 percent of 25 to 35 year old fully grown fucking adults who are living at home with their parents? What's going on with their sense of autonomy, self-esteem? Are you telling me all this 68%, all of them are washing their own clothes,

all of them are preparing their own meals? I find that highly unlikely. I imagine a large percentage of that 68% are still existing in roles that were relevant to them when they were teenagers. In the daytime the 27 year old goes off to their job that they went to college for and they go there

and they feel like a bit of an adult in the workplace, and then they come right home, and all of a sudden their ma is shouting at them. Or their ma has prepared a meal for them. Or their da's after washing their jocks. What does that do for the sense of self-esteem, self-worth, and feeling of autonomy, and ultimately sense sense of identity for all those adults living at home with their fucking parents what i want to explore here is transactional analysis i've done podcasts on transactional analysis before it's a school of psychology it's a psychoanalytic theory

it's psychodynamic and transactional analysis states that the human mind has three different ego states that we kind of move in and out of throughout the day there's the parent state of mind the child state of mind and the adult state of mind. An emotionally healthy person tends to spend most of their time in the adult state of mind. Let's just take it back to my incident today with the trousers and the fucking the security tag. These are all deeply unconscious reactions. Well no, child and parent are deeply unconscious and adult is conscious. When you enter your parent's state of mind it's when you react with other people in a way that you're replaying moments from your childhood that remind you of a parent or caregiver or a teacher or whatever.

So I return to my office from Dunn's and I take out my pants and I notice, unnoticed security tag on this. This is a threatening situation. This is bad. If I react in the parent state of mind, what do I do? I march right back over to Dunn's, really angry. I find a person who's working there and I scold them and blame them for me leaving with this security tag. Why did you sell me these trousers with a security tag on this? Are you people not responsible? Why didn't you tell me there was a security tag? This isn't my fault. This is your fault. You've failed.

So in that moment there, I'm being a a parent I'm talking down to someone in duns I'm not accepting responsibility for my own behavior because I was the person who left the shop with the fucking pants I'm not accepting responsibility for that behavior I'm talking down to someone like a parent so that's the parent ego state right there in action to a triggering event. Then there's the child reaction. If I'd responded to that as a child, which was where I was going to go if I wasn't mindful, oh no, oh dear, there's a security tag on my pants. I'm terrified. I'm frightened. I'm going to get into trouble. People are going to look at me and laugh at me. I'm only a little child and I don't know what to do. So I'm going to withdraw. I'm going to go home. I'm going to look at me and laugh at me I'm only a little child and I don't know what to do so I'm going to withdraw I'm going to go home I'm going to ignore my responsibilities

because I'm a little baby and I'm going to go home with my pants and not do my work today that's the child ego state and then what is the adult ego state to react calmly in the present moment in the here and now, and to engage critical thinking and emotional regulation, which is what I did. Now, one of the reasons I'm able to engage my adult ego state like that is because I did spend a good part of my 20s as a fully autonomous adult, getting to explore that part of myself. I know who adult me is. I have a strong sense of who I am. I know what my identity is. I know what my adult needs are and how to meet them. Sometimes I get triggered because I'm a fallible human being but ultimately

I have a fucking solid sense of who I am. I know who I am as an adult. Now do you know what I never, ever, ever, ever, ever do? When I'm presented with a situation of crisis like I did this morning? I never ring my ma. Never. If I rang up my ma this morning and said to her, Ma, I'm in work. And I'm after getting a pair of pants from Dunn's that

have a security tag in them and I don't know what to do what she will do because she's my actual parent she's going to go into her parent ego state and be critical of me and say what the fuck did you do that for that's unbelievably stupid and then I am going to react like a child and throw a tantrum and say, fuck you, ma, leave me alone. It was a mistake. I didn't know the tag was on the pants. Leave me alone. And then I'd get off the phone and I'd feel like utter shit. And I wouldn't engage with the situation as an adult at all. And I'd have made the child choice and I'd have gone home and not done my work because of my pants but here's the thing I didn't ring my ma because why the fuck would I ring my ma it's none of her business but what

happens if I'm living with her and you can't escape your parents being around at all times what happens to the 68% of 25 to 35 year old adults in Ireland where in their everyday fucking adult lives they have relationship issues they're thinking about their jobs you're there at home as a fully grown fucking adult with adult issues and problems and just because of sheer proximity to home

you probably bring your problems to your parents and it's very very difficult for your parents and for you to fully engage in autonomous adult discourse around anything it just fucking is only the absolute healthiest people of absolute mental health rigor can consistently engage with their parents and vice versa on an adult way all the time so there's a generation of people they might have issues with their boyfriends their girlfriends their bosses and they're having to figure these things out with their parents as part of the problem and chances are their parents are coming at it from a critical parent point of view and then the adult who's living at home is coming at it from the perspective of a child and you have there what's called a complementary transaction and the person

who suffers there then is the adult. I am wagering that most of you listening to this if you've got a problem with your boss in work or a problem with your girlfriend or your boyfriend or whatever I'm wagering most of ye you're not going to go to your parents every time with this shit because what will happen is your parents aren't going to solve your problem or even listen to you. Eventually, it will get overly emotional and you're coming to your mother or your father about my boss has been an asshole and the conversation descends into a scripted roleplay from your childhood.

So even though you're talking about your boss with your ma, you're kind of talking about the time you left your underpants on the ground of your bedroom when you were 13. The same energy is there, the same feeling of judgment because you're living with your fucking parents. If you don't live with your parents, you have the luxury of avoiding that. Stressful things happen in my life all the time. With business, with my job, stressful shit happens all the time. I legitimately consider ringing up my mother to tell her about my

problems to be an act of self-harm. That's no criticism on my ma, but she's my mother. Our relationship is enmeshed in my childhood. To a certain extent I can view her as an autonomous separate adult and to a certain extent she can view me as an autonomous separate adult but you cannot remove the fact that she is my mother and I am her son so when I come to her with one of my adult problems I'm engaging in self-harm. She'll say something critical that reminds me of the time I failed my junior cert and then I'm going to throw a tantrum. I've got a choice. I can choose whether to engage in that self-harm or not. I wouldn't have a choice if I lived with her. These conversations aren't happening.

These are conversations that need to happen about an entire generation of people in Ireland. I don't hear people thinking about this situation with criticality like that and the psychological impacts. The conversation tends to be about material impacts. Even something as simple as, you're 27, you're looking for a life partner. You can't fuck each other. You can't ride because you both live at home with your parents. Which is absurd because now sex feels like something, feels like you're 13 and you shouldn't be doing it. Because your experience of adult sexual intimacy

is now confused in with the barriers of being a teenager with parents. Nobody likes riding when your parents are in the next room. I don't give a fuck if you're a married couple in your 50s. Nobody likes riding when your parents are in the next room. When that now is not a choice. When economic circumstances have forced that upon you, now there's a consistent level of sexual shame involved in what should be adult autonomous intimacy.

What does that do to a person's sense of self, sense of identity and sense of adulthood? I need to think way more about this issue because I mostly have questions. It's so big. I mostly have fucking questions around this stuff. But you know a great way for this to never ever be a conversation that gets spoken about. When the politicians say young people, young people. 68% of young people live at home. It's terrible, isn't it? Ah, the young people.

Keep referring to 25 to 35 year olds as young people and then these conversations magically don't have to occur. Because what is a young person? It's not an autonomous adult, but searching for an adult sense of identity and self-esteem. Also what it does too is when you don't have that adult sense of identity and you're 30, you don't feel like you can participate in your community or your society politically. When you don't feel like an autonomous adult with that sense of adult identity, when you look at the world around you you don't think of

yourself as i can be an agent of change instead you kind of go the adults are going to look after that climate change the adults are going to sort that one out those those politicians the adults you have this mythical adult, these mythical adults in your head who control the world, rather than the reality being, no, you're all 33 now, and we're supposed to be the agents of change. But how do you do that when you don't have an adult sense of identity to set goals, to see what you want?

I'm teasing so much of this out and I'm thinking about it a lot but I don't have definite fucking answers yet but if this stuff that I'm talking about is ringing through with you and you are one of the 68% living at home with your parents and you're relating to some of these things that I'm saying I would what I'd be doing, I nearly had to move back in with my ma when I was in my early thirties. Just before this podcast, I didn't know what I was going to be doing with my career. Before this podcast and before I started writing my book and the rubber bandits had gone tits up, I didn't know what I was going to be doing and I almost had to move back in with my ma and my fear it wasn't oh no I have to live with my ma. I didn't even have a problem with that. My fear was this is going to be very triggering

and I hope I don't lose my sense of adult autonomy. I'm terrified that if I go and live with my ma that I will fall into old patterns of behaviour and experience a sensation of helplessness. That's what I was afraid of. And what I had mentally prepared for myself was okay, if I have to move back in with my ma I'm buying the groceries. I'm going to cook dinner for myself and for her if she wants it.

I'm going to do all my own laundry. I'm going to dress my bed. I refuse to go back into easy behaviours that are rooted in my teenage years. Even though I know if I did move back into my ma first thing she's going to try and do is make me breakfast to be nice she's going to try and dress my bed she's going to try and clean my jocks because she's my ma and she wants to do it and I'd made my mind up that I was going to explain to her in a very compassionate way that this is actually quite dangerous for me it's highly dangerous for me.

I know you're being kind and you're being loving and you actually want to do these things for me. I can't allow it. It's very dangerous. I need to clean my own clothes. I need to buy my own groceries. I need to be as autonomous and adult as possible in this house. I must do this for my self-esteem, my identity and my confidence because the economic situation means I have to live here but while I do that I want to be as adult as possible. I want to contribute to bills if you let me. I must maintain a separate autonomous adult identity and I can't allow myself fall back into behavioral patterns that are rooted in childhood because once I do that with the behavior then the emotion follows and once the emotion follows my default emotional reactions become the reactions

of a child and not the reactions of an adult. And if I can't have the default emotional reactions of an adult when it comes to the problems in my life and setting goals and getting the fuck out of this house and getting a job and getting back on my two feet, I can't do these things if I regress emotionally, if I emotionally regress. So that's what I'd say to you if you're listening. Have a think about that. If you are living with your parents because economics dictate that, have you fallen back into old behavioural patterns? Something as simple as your parents wash your clothes. What's the worst that could happen if you make a decision now

that even though you live with your parents you're going to take it upon yourself 100% to try and live as autonomously as possible as an adult in their home and even better for you as a fucking adult who's 25 or 26

for you, why not try to take on the extra role of responsibility as you're the person who makes the dinner for the entire house. You're the person who washes everyone's clothes. Maybe you don't have to go that far if you're fucking burnt out, but it's worth a try to find and maintain your adult identity and sense of autonomy and self-esteem that comes from that. This was a strange podcast, mostly made strange by the incident with the trousers. I'll catch you next week. In the of autonomy and self-esteem that comes from that. This was a strange podcast. Mostly made strange by the incident with the trousers.

I'll catch you next week. In the meantime, rub a dog, genuflect to a heron, wink at a snail. Dog bless. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

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