The Blindboy Podcast - Topographia Hibernica

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Hot take Art/History. A 12th-century English manuscript which claimed that Irish women could turn into hares to suck milk out of other women's nipples, and that Irish men had sex with and ate horses Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Partake in the corn crake's arse ache, you naked Jacobs. Welcome to the Blind Boy Podcast. If you're a new listener, maybe consider listening to some earlier podcasts so that you can familiarise yourself with the lore of this podcast. If you're a regular listener, you know the crake. I hope you've all had a magnificent week. It's been ferociously chilly. I felt my first frost this morning. I had to wear a jacket

when I was running. I've started to wear double socks. It's double socks weather. Those big woolen indoor socks. That are quite amazing really, aren't they? Like you'd be fucking freezing your hands and your head and then you just put on these massive socks. And all of a sudden you feel like the heat's been turned on. I may even get acquainted with a hot water bottle. Why not? The fuck else am I going to be doing? So a tiny little correction.

At the start of last week's podcast, I was plugging a gig in Cork. On the fucking 28th and 29th of December. And I said to you that I was gigging in the Cork Opera House on the 28th and 29th of December. It's actually not the Cork Opera House. Thank fuck. It's St. Luke's Church. I got it wrong and I'm actually glad to find out that it's St. Luke's Church because I was thinking how the fuck am I supposed to sell two Cork opera houses in a month that's a huge amount of tickets

how the fuck am I supposed to do that so I'm quite glad to hear that I'm doing two live podcasts on the 28th and 29th of December in St. Luke's Church in Cork which is I think it's only like 400 400 seats in St Luke's Church so they'll be quite nice I've played that venue a few times really lovely intimate little venue in Cork

and like I said the 28th and 29th of December they're lovely days because it's after Christmas and before New Year's you might have a little bit of a hangover no one's expecting you

to go mad on those days so come along to a nice relaxing live podcast also as well my Vicar Streets when are they

fucking March is it I should just why don't I just check when the fuck my gigs are on before I decide to announce them on the podcast? Why don't I just do that? You wouldn't catch Bresi doing that.

I bet you Bresi knows when his fucking gigs are. I'm doing two Vicar Streets. I think it's in March. And then, what else? Bristol. I forgot about this. Again, I don't know the fucking date or if the tickets are even announced. If you live in Bristol Bristol which is over in England

I'm doing a very small little gig in early January with Maxim from the Prodigy doing a little interview with Maxim from the Prodigy a live podcast in some theatre in some theatre in some theatre somewhere

I don't know man just type it into Google I don't even know if it's announced yet fuck it that's my thing that's my edge that's my talent

I'm shit at advertising my own gigs alright I've maintained that tradition since the start of the podcast let's not go changing things I've reduced my gigs in general by about 75% so I really, I don't have an excuse this time

it's not like there's a lot of gigs for me to be talking about I gigged Bristol before I've gigged Bristol a couple of times the most memorable one however, it always sticks in my memory I gigged in Bristol on a ship, on a big metal moored ship. It was Rubber Bandits days, around 2015. And I keep having dreams about this gig. I was obviously terrified.

Yeah, I was, I wasn't. So I'm there on this big metal ship. Doing songs. And it was a late night fucking bandits gig when I was in my twenties. And mad late night jumping up and down shit. And the crowd were mad jumping up and down. And I remember. I'm there singing a rave song.

About doing ecstasy with the ghost of Eamon de Valera. And at the end of the song there's a breakdown. And then it just explodes into this mad hard fucking rave. And I remember just dreading it. Because as soon as that bit kicks in. The whole audience starts jumping up and down. But then I'm like. We're on a fucking ship. Will you stop kicks in the whole audience starts jumping up and down but then I'm like we're on a fucking ship will you stop so the whole ship

that I'm doing a gig on in Bristol starts swaying side to side and I wasn't comfortable with it at all and then afterwards someone came up to me this posh English hippie with a larcher on a length of twine

offers me a gig and I'm like okay grand do you have a phone number and they're like no we don't use phones here's the number of a phone box that we might be in next month on this date and if you ring it at this time then we can discuss this gig

yeah they were in the front row and they were throwing cider on us like wet cider throwing it on us and not in a mean way in a kind of this is how we show appreciation to the performer way I think the dog was in the audience as well and I don't know

see I don't know if that part actually happened or if it's part of my recurring dream about the gig in Bristol. But yeah, at least three times a year I dream about being on stage in that gig in Bristol, on a fucking ship, and the entire room swaying from side to side as everyone dances, and me then being terrified of my own songs, in case they sink us. Fuck me. So so yeah I'm back

gigging Bristol not sure when sometime in January don't know where it's definitely with Maxim from the Prodigy I'm really looking forward to that I wouldn't mind going back to that venue that boat venue I'd love to see who would I like to see there

Boys Life it's this big rusty metal ship I want I want to see Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy of Westlife

and Boys on together as Boys Life I want to see them perform on that ship and it's never going to happen because they're not going to play that venue. So I'm going to have to hijack an airplane like that Irish priest did in the 80s

when he wanted the third secret of Fatima. I get onto an airplane and pretend I have a bomb and say that my demands are that Boy's Life perform on this rusty, swaying ship in Bristol. Actually, speaking of Keith Duffy, I found this photograph on my phone a few weeks back. swaying ship in Bristol actually speaking of Keith Duffy em I found this photograph on my phone a few weeks back

if you follow me on Instagram Blind by Boat Club you'd have seen me posting it a few weeks back but I found this photograph in my phone from like 2017 I think so I went on to some radio station in Ireland it was News Talk or Today FM or something I can't remember and I was being interviewed to some radio station in Ireland. It was News Talk or Today FM or something. I can't remember.

And I was being interviewed on this radio station. And they asked me, are there any traditional desserts in Limerick? There's not. I can't think of any traditional Limerick desserts. But for the laugh, I just made one up on the spot. And I said to the radio station, oh yeah, we have a traditional dessert in Limerick

called the Sarsfield's Gannet and it's gelatinized cider with a Kit Kat crumbled on top. Now I said it to amuse myself but I did present it as if it was actual fact and I came up with like history behind it and everything I said that like oh yeah this dessert goes all the way back to the times of Patrick Sarsfield and the siege of Limerick and it's called a Sarsfield's gannet because a gannet was the favourite bird of Patrick Sarsfield and anyway the fucking radio station they must have believed me and took it dead seriously so I got off the radio

had a little chuckle to myself forgot about it and then like three days later Keith Duffy from Bison came into the

radio station to do an interview and it was his birthday and they fucking they made him one of these

fake limerick desserts a Sarsfield's Gannet some poor cunt had to stay up overnight trying to gelatinise cider And they fucking, they made him one of these fake limerick desserts. A Sarsfield's Gannet. Some poor cunt had to stay up overnight trying to gelatinise cider. And it worked. And they had it in a little glass. This gelatinised cider with a Kit Kat crumbled on top.

And they made Keith Duffy take a photograph with it with his big smiley face. And posted the photo. And I found it on my phone last week but yeah Keith Duffy Keith Duffy and Brian McFadden I'm going to hijack an airplane if you don't perform in that big metal

boat in Bristol I should really get Keith Duffy onto the podcast at some point shouldn't I because our paths have crossed several times over the years in bizarre ways, like really bizarre ways. There's that story there where he ended up getting presented a fake dessert that I made up on a radio station. Then, do you remember I did a full podcast about this? Like, we were gigging in edinburgh seven or eight years ago we were gigging in edinburgh on paddy's day with bison in this fucking irish pub and we were backstage with bison it was it was me keith duffy and fucking

shane lynch and we were backstage in the green room and it was across the way from a block of student flats and while we were inside in the green room all of us just saw this just saw this fella wanking on his laptop

and I'm there like I'm here in a fucking room with boys on watching some fella across the way wanking those laptops I did a full podcast on that and then what other I had a recent

run in with Keith Duffy then online it was actually a really nice one he was on Instagram and it was it was his son's birthday his son was turned 25 and it was his son's birthday. His son was turned 25. And Keith Duffy just posted this.

This really fucking lovely post. It was just really lovely. It was just him and his son and Keith Duffy just going, this is my son, he's 25, I'm so proud of him. And it was so lovely. It was just really, really fucking nice. And then, and so then I posted underneath it.

I just posted a genuine comment going, he's really lucky to have a nice father like you, Keith. Because I meant it. It was a lovely post on his son's 25th birthday. And then I got a DM from Keith Duffy after that at about three in the morning, after he'd had a couple of bottles of wine, telling me that him and his son were up watching Rubber Bandits videos

on YouTube and I think he'd seen the song the Rubber Bandits song Buys On for the first time and that song was actually written because of something Keith Duffy had said to us

when we were in Edinburgh gigging with Bison he gave us a compliment, it was a compliment but it was an insult, but he didn't mean it as an insult it was a compliment but he said, ye should come on tour with us, ye should come on tour

with Bison, we've got nothing to lose Christ I've a fierce thought to the giggles fierce thought to the giggles today but yeah I'd love to have Keith Duffy on the podcast I bet you we'd have good crack

good chats he's a lovely fella so yeah this week's podcast isn't about boys life or boys on or Bristol this is another hot take history slash art podcast I'm going to speak about an illuminated manuscript from the 12th century

it's a body of work that I touched on in one of my earliest podcasts but I only gave it about 10 minutes and it really deserves a lot more because it's quite important. So I'm speaking about an illuminated manuscript called Topographia Hibernica which was written by Gerald Cambrensis

or Gerald of Wales as he's known. The book was written in 1188 just 10 years after Ireland was invaded by the Normans, or the Brits as we called them, but in 1188 they were the Normans. And this illuminated manuscript is hugely important because it was written as a piece of topography. Topography is like a book of maps, a book which describes the geography of a land. It was presented as that. But really what it is, it was a big pile of fake news that justified the colonisation of Ireland. And the hot take that I have is that

this 12th century illuminated manuscript is actually the beginning, the genesis of British tabloid newspapers. It's a book that I thoroughly enjoy. I love reading it. Why? It was originally written in Latin, which means that the English translation of it is absolutely beautiful you can read it perfectly like it was published today it does contain some interesting history about Ireland it contains descriptions of nature in Ireland at the time animals that aren't around anymore landscapes that don't exist anymore. And then alongside that, it contains utterly outrageous, bizarre and horrifying claims about the Irish people that I just find fucking

fascinating. And I'm going to go through the best ones, witchy. Now now before I go into detail about the actual illuminated manuscript itself I'm going to give some historical context to when it was created a brief historical context now I'm not a historian academically I'm not a historian

I am academically qualified in art history and art critique I'm qualified to lecture in it I am academically qualified in art history and art critique. I'm qualified to lecture in it in third level. I'm by no means an expert, but I have a certain degree of professional authority around art history. Regarding any history, history stuff I say, I'm saying that from the position of a layman. But everything I say, I make sure that my sources are from solid decent academic sources and apologies if I get something wrong on the history side of things. So Ireland

from about the year 500 onwards after the arrival of Saint Patrick when Christianity had been introduced to Ireland, Ireland spent several centuries in a golden age of literature, of art, of education. Britain at that time was experiencing the collapse of the Roman Empire. A lot of literature was being lost. A lot of technology was being lost. A lot of infrastructure was being lost. A lot of infrastructure was being lost. Britain was experiencing what you'd call a dark age when the Anglo-Saxons were arriving.

But Ireland was doing fucking brilliantly. We had monastic towns, churches. There was Clann MacNyze, Glendalough. And there were centres of education in these places that were teaching Latin, Irish, philosophy, theology, law and these monasteries were producing absolutely incredible illuminated manuscripts by which I mean think of the Book of Kells, religious books, historical books that were some of the best art being created in Europe at the time. The two places in Europe that were flourishing from about the year 500 up to the year 1000 would have been Ireland and the Islamic Caliphate of Spain.

Ireland and the Islamic Caliphate of Spain. But the areas that were under Roman rule, such as Britain, were in a state of economic, infrastructural and intellectual collapse. Now this is a very generalised history, but the Irish monasteries in Ireland in general had been so advanced and so prosperous that Christianity in Ireland was becoming quite independent, standing on its own two feet. By the mid-1100s, Ireland had kind of nearly severed ties

with Canterbury in England, which was the seat of Christianity over in England. Ireland also was becoming so independent that it was beginning to kind of piss off Rome a little bit. The Roman Catholic Church. By the 1150s, it was becoming kind of a rumour in Rome that Ireland wasn't really Christian. That really what Ireland was were

we were a big bunch of pagans who kind of pretend that we're Christian. Like Ireland would have had a lot of petty kingdoms, lots of different kings, and the accusations were put against, like, the kings of Ireland that they're actually just pagans, they're performing pagan rituals, they don't observe Christian traditions of marriage, they're fucking performing incest.

All of this shit was being said about Ireland until it eventually got to the Pope now in 1066 the Normans had conquered England they'd taken England from the Anglo-Saxons the Normans were Vikings that had conquered a part of France and basically the Normans are the start of what we call the Brits.

Okay? Like, the English royalty today, they traced themselves back to 1066, to the Normans. In 1155, the Norman king of England was called Henry II. And also at that time, the Pope happened to be English. The only ever English Pope. His name was Adrian. You can see where this is going.

So the English Pope, Adrian, said to the English King, Henry, those fucking Irish cunts need some colonising. Need to colonise those Irish cunts. What are you at? Now his exact words were, you may enter that island and do there what has to do with the honour of God and the salvation of the land, and may the people of that land receive you with honour and revere you as their Lord, dearest Son in Christ.

You want to subject its people to the laws and to root out from it the weeds of vice. Extend the boundaries of the church, restrain vice, correct morals, implant virtues, increase the Christian religion, you may enter that island. So that's the English Pope, 1155, saying to the English King, go and colonise Ireland, you need to do it for God, because they're fucking pagans and they're fucking each other and they're doing whatever take over Ireland colonize it and that document there is known as the Lord Billiter and it's a document that historians are continually fighting

over some people saying it did exist some people saying it didn't exist but it's basically instruction and permission from the Pope to England to invade Ireland you can think of it a little bit like do you remember when America invaded Iraq in 2003 and when they were justifying invading Iraq they went to the Brits and said to the Brits can you prove that Saddam Hussein has got weapons of mass destruction? And then the Brits said, yeah, yeah, MI5 have proof that Saddam has got weapons of mass destruction. It's okay to invade Iraq. So then they invaded Iraq and then afterwards it actually turned out that, oh shit, MI5 didn't have any proof at all of weapons of mass destruction. They'd actually quoted some Californian PhD

student who'd just written some shit to justify war and actually this war isn't justified at all you invaded on the grounds of a lie basically, well that's what that is that's what the papal law builder was in 1155

it was fake news there was no proof that Ireland was this big heathen nation that was in 1155. It was fake news. There was no proof that Ireland was this big heathen nation that was secretly not Christian and was really pagan. That wasn't the case at all. Ireland was the land of saints and scholars. It was renowned in the known world. It was a centre of education. It was exporting its fucking monks and clerics all around the gaff

Ireland was highly respected the problem was is that the Christian church in Ireland was doing so well that it was getting a little bit independent a little bit scary, a little bit dangerous for Rome so Rome were like

get the paddies in check the Catholic church, we fucking run this shit from here. So listen Brits, go in and invade those cunts. Doesn't matter at all if it's true or not. Like in 2003, that had nothing to do with 9-11. That had nothing to do with weapons of mass destruction. It was America and Britain going, fuck, all the oil is running out in the world. And there's loads of it in Iraq

so we're not letting them control it we have to control it that's what the invasion of Iraq was about anyone with a brain knew it at the time but it's clear as day now so back to 1155 so like 20 years later it took 20 years later

Henry and Strongbow and the Normans invaded Ireland and that's the beginning of the 800 years of colonisation, that's how the Brits came over, it's a lot more complicated than that, the Brits were also invited over by the King of Leinster I'm not going to get into that but

that right there Ireland was invaded on the back of kind of fake news a little bit like how Iraq was invaded with the WMDs, except Ireland wasn't being accused of having WMDs. It was accused of kings marrying their sisters and shit. So Ireland gets conquered by the Normans around 1170. They came from Wales, all right?

They were Cambron Normans, led by Strongbow. They had huge army, cavalry, archers. There wasn't even much of a fight. They just kind of took Ireland. So this manuscript I want to focus on for this podcast, Topographica Hibernica, who was the person who wrote it? Well, Geraldus, who wrote it, right? Gerard of Wales. He took two trips to Ireland in 1183 and 1186. Now he wasn't, he wasn't a soldier. He wasn't a

knight. He wasn't taking over Ireland by violent force, but he was on a ship with lads that were, and he was related to most of them. Gerald was a clerk. He was an intellectual, a historian. He was coming to Ireland 10 years after it being conquered on a fact-finding mission. His job was to write this big book about what Ireland is, the history of Ireland, the animals of Ireland, the geography of Ireland, the culture and people of Ireland, the animals of Ireland, the geography of Ireland, the culture and people of Ireland,

but really to create this document that denotes the cultural superiority of his culture over the culture that's being colonised. To construct a superior national identity. to superior national identity. We are the Brits and we're superior and we're brilliant and these Irish are fucking mad savages. What we're doing is right and here's why. Like to use the Iraq war metaphor again, when the US invaded Iraq and they're like we're here invading Iraq to bring democracy, to get rid of these weapons of mass destruction, we're here invading Iraq to bring democracy, to get rid of these weapons of mass destruction. We're here on an ideological journey to make Iraq a better place, and that's why the troops are here. Well, also who went over with the Americans were like huge corporations like Halliburton,

who received massive contracts to rebuild Iraq and to make money off all that oil. So they were the corporate interests who were there to profit hugely from the invasion of Iraq. Well, Gerald and his relatives were a bit like that. We're here to introduce Christianity to this heathen land, but really, we're fucking Welsh Normans and we're going to get fuckloads of land and we're going to get really, really wealthy

by colonising this island. So like Gerald was the son of William de Barry, who was a really powerful Norman lord. His grandmother was a princess. She was a mistress of King Henry I. She founded the Fitzstevens, the Fitzgeralds, the Fitzhenry families. Names that we would now think of as Irish, like Fitzgerald's. Like Fitz means fee from French, it means son of. So a lot of names that are now Irish were actually Norman names, the Norman invaders.

So Gerald's well connected, he's well related. But like I said, Gerald isn't, Gerald's not conquering Ireland with a sword, he's conquering Ireland with ideology. Gerald invented anti-Irish racism. That's what Gerald did by writing this massive book, Topographica Hibernica. And what makes the book really unique as well is Gerald illustrated it himself, which was very, very rare at the time. Some people consider him to be the first writer to illustrate his own book. And he illustrated it in a unique way

in that he used the margins. So you'd have a block of text talking about something and then on the margins to the side, Gerald would draw little caricatures and cartoons of the Irish people and the animals. And by doing this, what he's doing is he's nearly inventing sensationalism. This is why I'm considering this to be the roots of the British tabloid.

So when you start to read the Topographica Hibernica, what makes it, what's so clever on Gerald's part is that the first half opens with quite a detailed and academic account of, we'll say, the geography and the animals of Ireland. And it's lovely to read because it's like, this is someone speaking about what Ireland looks like in the 11th century. And he says, Ireland is a country of uneven surface and mountainous. The soil is moist, well-wooded and marshy. It is truly a desert land without roads but well-watered. Here you may see standing waters on the tops of mountains for pools and lakes are found on the summits of lofty and steep hills. There are in some places very beautiful plains,

though of limited extent in comparison with the woods now what's lovely to read there is Ireland used to be a temperate rainforest like it's mad to think of it now like if you're ever on an airplane going over Ireland then it's nothing but fields and fields and fields that's not the way Ireland is supposed to be. Ireland was a huge giant rainforest with not that many fields and pastures. As Gerald describes, it's just like there's woods and woods and woods. And a huge thing that when we were colonized by the British, we were used as a way for them to extract timber. All our woods were cut down and cleared and made way for...

The wood was taken and it was pasture lands for cows and cattle to be exported. It started with the Normans. It got particularly aggressive around the 1500s, but we were used as like England's back garden where you could chop down all the wood and then pasture your cows and grow your crops. Charles lists out loads of fucking animals, hawks, sparrows, different types of fish. He speaks about eagles, eagles that are now extinct.

He goes into great detail about Irish beavers and beavers building dams of wood around rivers which is wonderful to read because the Irish beaver is gone, long extinct. He makes mention of the wolves, the Irish wolf, that's gone as well. Now but the thing is, Gerald visited Ireland twice, spent a couple of months here twice, so he didn't do as much travelling around

the country as he would lead you to believe. He himself would have spoken to a lot of people in Ireland, asked people who were experts in the topography of Ireland at the time, lads working in monasteries, priests, and said, look, tell me about what the country is like.

And he would have appropriated a lot of their knowledge. He only really spent time in Cork, Waterford, Dublin. He went around Meath a little bit. So he's telling fibs. He's pretending that he saw a lot of shit with his own eyes when he didn't. He's consulting texts in monasteries and having conversations with people who are experts in irish topography at the time and he can kind of tell because there's certain parts where clearly someone is bullshitting him for the laugh

because in amongst all this detailed information about irish trees and rivers and fish and animals he starts to write about a type of bird called a barnacle bird. And this is also one of the first drawings that you see in Gerald's text. And it's this utterly ridiculous drawing of a tree with birds hanging off it. And Gerald claims that there are likewise here many birds called barnacles, which nature produces in a wonderful manner out of her ordinary course. They resemble the marsh geese, but are smaller, being at first gummy excrescences from pine beams floating on the waters

and then enclosed in shells to secure their free growth. They hang by their beaks like seaweed attached to the timber. So Gerald claims that there's birds in Ireland that grow from eggs that hang from trees and then the birds themselves hang from trees and that people in Ireland eat them on holy days because they're neither fish nor meat. Now I think that's someone lying to Gerald. I think Gerald, that's some monk in a monastery who's really clever. And this monk says to himself,

you fucking Norman cunt. I know exactly what you're doing here, writing this shit about Ireland. I know why you're here, you conquering bastards. So I'm going to tell you about otters and beavers and then I'm going to make up some bullshit about geese that grow on trees and you're going to believe me, you stupid Welsh cunt. The reason I get that vibe is that Gerald included the story

about the barnacle geese in the first half of the book. The first half of Gerald's book, and this is what makes it so clever, he's establishing his authority. When you read the first half of this book, it's really interesting. It sounds totally legitimate. It's really surprising the amount of detail about nature and geography that's present in a book from the 11th or the 12th century. It's really phenomenal to read. And Gerald did this deliberately. Establishes authority and consent at the start before he starts completely lying and going into propaganda territory. So it's only about halfway through the book then that it starts getting really weird and Gerald starts deliberately making bizarre claims about Ireland to set it up as

a lawless, uncontrollable, savage and magical, evil magical land. He speaks about Ireland's relationship with the moon. He begins by correctly talking about the relationship that the moon has with liquids and tides. You know, he speaks about how the moon can control the tides, but then he says, it's the entire source and cause of motion in liquids. The marrow and the bones, the brains and the head, the juices of trees and plants, in proportion to its increase or decrease. Hence, when the moon ceases

to be luminous, you will find all animate nature shrink. When she is again round and shining in full, the marrow fills the bones. Hence, it is that those that are called lunatics who suffer every month by the excessive action of the brain.

So, Gerald is claiming basically that in Ireland, when the moon is dim, every living creature, including humans, shrinks a little bit. And the moon causes the liquid in an Irish person's brain to shrink. So we go mad once a month. Then he writes about the women of Ireland. Gerald claims that certain women in Ireland have the ability to turn into hares

like rabbits and the reason certain women in Ireland turn into hares suddenly is so that they can quickly chase down pregnant women as hares jump up quickly suck the tits of a pregnant woman

and steal a mouthful of milk and then he comes back from that and then starts talking about nature again and he just throws that in those two mad things people in Ireland shrink when the moon is low and the women turn into fucking rabbits and suck tits

and then he's back into rational territory so that's just the beginning of when this book starts going absolutely batshit mad and you see the roots of anti-Irish racism in this book before I get into the

juicier absolutely bonkers shit let's have a little pause don't have the ocarina again this week I've got the sh. Let's have a little pause. Don't have the ocarina again this week. I've got the shaker. Let's have a shaker pause. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

On April 5th, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girlallenge.ca. Most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Hey! Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. What's not real? Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters April 5th. That was the Shaker Pause.

You would have heard an advertisement there for something. I don't know. Support for this podcast comes from you the listener via the patreon page patreon.com forward slash the blind boy podcast this podcast is my full-time job it is a monologue essay that requires a huge amount of work work that I thoroughly enjoy and that I adore and love doing. But if you're listening to this podcast and you enjoy it and you listen to it frequently, please consider paying me for the work that I'm doing. All I'm looking for is the price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month. That's it. If you're taking something from this podcast and you're like, wow, I'd buy blind by a cup of coffee or a pint if I met him

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Any independent podcast that you listen to. Any podcast that has a small team of people making it, that are passionate about what they're doing. Over the pandemic, loads of big, huge name celebrities were out of work so they decided fuck it let's make some podcasts backed by corporate money now that's fine they're entitled to do that however it's left this massive oversaturation of big corporate podcasts with big names and a lot of those podcasts actually aren't decent quality because no one who's involved in it is doing it for the passion of the work and this is crushing smaller independent podcasts who are it's now harder

to find small independent podcasts so support small independent podcasts in any way you can. Back to Topographica Hibernica. So Gerald's book comes out in the 1100s. Printing isn't invented. There's not a massive amount of copies being made. I believe only 10 copies exist now, which is, for the 1100s, that would have made it a bestseller.

If you made a book in the 1100s, someone else literally had to sit down, a scribe had to sit down and handwrite that book out and make a copy of it. That's how books existed in the 1100s. And 10 copies of Gerald's books survive, which means maybe 100 were made. This book was a big deal in the 1100s.

Who was it made for, though? Like, if you've got a book, like, I'm trying to compare this manuscript to the contemporary British tabloids in terms of, if you look at modern British tabloids what they do they will subjugate a group of people

they will demonise refugees if you look at the history of like the Sun or the Daily Mail they have a huge history of anti-Irish propaganda you'll find British tabloids also in times of war,

they'll always justify war against the country. They will be dishonest about other countries. They will other the people of another nation. They'll create this, a type of propaganda that perpetuates the dominant narrative of power. And that's what Gerald's book was doing. But who the fuck is it for if there's only like 30 copies flying around the place?

Who is it for? So Gerald's manuscript would have been written on vellum. Vellum is stretched calfskin. Is it lambskin or calfskin or calf skin stretched calf skin I believe and the stories and recountings of Ireland in this book were accompanied by drawings and illustrations by Gerald himself in particular on the margins which was quite unique on the margins and Gerald painted these in a style called tinted drawing it was a really simple way to

illustrate manuscripts in the English started it and how Gerald would have intended this book to be consumed is he probably would have read it himself in front of royal audiences so Gerald because he was a royal clerk because he was related to so many powerful people and he was also the tutor, he was King John's tutor King John of King John's castle in Limerick

he was the son of Henry II he was King John's tutor so Gerald had access to all these incredibly powerful dukes and kings and knights and he would host dinners and he'd read from his book Topographic Hibernica and tell them all about Ireland. But what he'd also do is these tinted drawings that are on vellum.

Vellum calfskin lets light through it very easily. So he would have held up the page and allowed some light from a candle or whatever to pass through the back of the page and this would then illuminate the drawings on the page a little bit like a like a poor man's stained glass window in a way and gerald would have been telling all these rich powerful people oh Ireland is like this and they've got fucking birds hanging off trees and the women turn into rabbits

and they go sucking each other's tits and the wealthy powerful decision makers who are his audience they're horrified they're shocked they're dehumanising the Irish they're laughing at the Irish it's sensationalised stuff

it's everything a tabloid does, except Gerald's audience isn't the public at large it's the small amount of powerful people who actually make decisions and enact violence so Gerald would have started off reading this book

over dinner. And people are interested. In wow I feel smart. I feel educated. Learning about these fish and these badgers and these beavers. I feel so worldly. I feel like I'm in Ireland. Tell me Gerald about this new land we've conquered.

So he establishes his authority at the start. It makes the listener feel intelligent. And then there's one particular drawing about halfway through. And I can just imagine in the 12th century what this would have done to the mostly male, small, rich audience that would have been watching.

So it's a drawing of an Irish woman. Green skin. And long hair. And a shawl. And she's shifting. A goat. So it's an Irish woman. There's a goat standing on.

Two legs. On a boner. And this Irish Irish woman is shoving her tongue down the goat's throat and this is drawn in the book and the power of that image imagine seeing that in the 12th century the people would have been like oh my my God, so unchristian, so savage. But also, it's the bizarre sex news part of the British tabloid. Like tabloids today, like the Sunday Sport, the ones that are really fucking bizarre. You open up that in the middle of it and you'll have a fake story where it's like woman in Manchester sucks off Alsatian and then

you'll have a photograph of someone and then a photograph of the Alsatian and you read the story and it does the exact same as that you're horrified you're shocked you feel naughty because you're reading something that you shouldn't be reading about and it's taboo and it has to do with sex. You're laughing, you're judging another person. This is what Gerald's book would have done for aristocratic audiences in the 12th century. And let's read what Gerald wrote about this woman who's shifting a goat. Roderick, the king of Connacht, had a white, tame goat, remarkable for its flowing hair and the length of its horns

the goat had intercourse bestially with the woman to whose care it had been committed the wretched creature having seduced it to become the instrument of gratifying her unnatural lust how brutally does the lord of brutes discarding his natural privileges descend to the lord of brutes discarding his natural privileges descend to the level of brutes when he, rational animal, submits to such intercourse with a beast? Now the aristocrats who would have been listening to that are going, oh my god, she's fucking a goat.

She's shifting a goat. Look at the goat's cock. Look at the goat's erection. Looking at this drawing. But the propaganda there is, it's the king of Connacht's goat. So what it's doing there is it's delegitimizing the royalty of Ireland. Ireland has got all these kings and the Normans are taking over. So everyone is laughing about this story of the woman and the goat

but the important thing is that it's happening under the king's watch now you have dukes and lords and kings going yeah we're right to conquer those Irish holy fuck I'd never let a woman fuck a goat oh my god and then Gerald

the next page you have this bizarre drawing altogether of a woman and she's combing her hair but she has a beard as well and Gerald had been to Limerick and he writes about Duvenal king of Limerick had a woman with a beard down to her navel and also a crest like a colt of a year old which stretched from the top of her neck down to her backbone and was covered with hair and the woman thus remarkable for two monstrous deformities

was not a hermaphrodite but in other respects had the parts of a woman and she constantly attended the court the object of ridicule also there was a woman seen attending the court in Connacht who partook of the nature of both sexes

and was a hermaphrodite and on the right side of her face she had a long and thick beard which covered both sides of her lips to the middle of her chin like a man on the left her lips and chin were smooth and hairless like a woman so you have Gerald there again talking about the royalty of Ireland where they keep these women in the courts

and one half of the woman is a man and one half of the woman is a woman and you don't know what it is and you see this emerging theme in the manuscript of misogyny transphobia being read out to a powerful elite

any one of these stories you could find in in the fucking sunday sport this is tabloid fodder in the 12th century with dangerous implications dangerous propaganda now everybody around the table at dinner is just fascinated. They feel intellectual because he's told them all that shit about nature and geography. Now they're straight into tabloid fodder. And then what does he do? He says in Wicklow at the time of Morris Fitzgerald. Now get that second name Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald is a Norman name. So he says, Morris Fitzgerald held possession in that territory and castle there was seen a man-monster,

if he may be called a man, the whole of whose body was human except the extremities, which were those of an ox. And they have the shape of hooves from the joints and connected at the arms were his feet and his legs. He was half man man half ox. He

frequented for some time the court of Morris Fitzgerald's coming daily for dinner and the food was served he took up and between the fissures of his cloven hooves which he used as hands. He was at last secretly put to death a faith of which he was not deserving in consequence of the jibes with which the young men about the castle assailed the natives of the country for begetting such monsters by intercourse with cows. So what makes that story different is that he's basically saying that up in Wicklow, like he literally says it afterwards, he goes, it is a fact that shortly before the arrival of the English in the island, a cow gave birth to a man calf, the fruit

of a union between man and a cow in the mountains of Glendalough so what Gerald is saying there and what makes it so clever is propaganda he goes up in Wicklow there was a half man half cow, because they fuck cows in Wicklow

they're fucking cows in Ireland and they're giving birth to half cows and half humans but by saying that the cow came into the court of Maurice Fitzgerald Maurice Fitzgerald is a Norman lord in Ireland he's a coloniser and Maurice Fitzgerald because he's a Norman because he has the compassion of God he invites the half man half cow

into his court and he feeds him and he feels sorry for him and then he puts the half man half cow to death secretly with dignity and he assails the rotten horrible Irish people

who are fucking cows and creating half cow half man and that there is that beautiful propaganda so you've got the King of Limerick with a woman who's half woman half man then you've got the King of Connacht who's absolutely has all these women fucking goats but then the Norman Morris Fitzris fitzgerald has got the compassion this poor half cow half man and the ideology that's being promoted there is that

like morris is cleansing the land that poor half man half cow has been put to death but there'll be no more and the rich wealthy dukes and kings. That are listening to this story around dinner now. Feel as if they've been told a moral tale. About what they must do in Ireland. To cleanse it of the savages. Who are fucking animals. And then he's got another chapter after that.

That says the cocks in Ireland crow at different hours from those in other countries so he goes into a paragraph to say that Ireland is so fucked up so fucked up and so full of sin that the poor old roosters don't even know when it's morning and then he says

of wolves which whelped in the month of December the poor old wolves in Ireland howl in December. When they shouldn't even be howling at all. The ravens and the owls. Which once had young ones at Christmas. So even the bards are laying eggs and giving birth at the wrong time of year. Everything about Ireland is fucked up and wrong.

And needs fixing. And then he moves on. He's moved on from the shocking shit now and taken them back on a journey that's a bit more grounded in reality. And everyone's a bit calmer around the dinner table. And he speaks about, of a book miraculously written. Now this actually sounds nice,

but it's actually quite insidious. Among all the miracles in Kildare none appears to be more wonderful than the marvellous book which they say was written in the time of the Virgin Saint Bridget. Now most people think he's talking about the book of Kells there. I mentioned there like from about 500 to 1000 Ireland was was just a world leader in the production of art and illuminated manuscripts and the Book of Kells is one of the most important and brilliant pieces of art in the world the Book of Kells is phenomenal

the artistry, the detail, the work that went into it it's unparalleled at the time it was famous within the known world at the time so Gerald is talking about the Book of Kells at the time. It was famous within the known world at the time. So Gerald is talking about the Book of Kells. Now you can't shit on the Book of Kells. You can't. So if the lords around the dinner table are listening to Gerald's book

and they're saying but Gerald if they're there like fucking shifting goats and fucking cows how can they create such beautiful art like the Book of Kells? We've seen it. But Gerald, if they're there like fucking shifting goats and fucking cows, how can they create such beautiful art like the Book of Kells? We've seen it. It's amazing. I mean, surely there must be something good about these Irish. Because the thing is, something like an incredibly made illuminated manuscript,

in the eyes of the Normans, that's highly civilised behaviour. It's civilised and it's enviable and it's the sign of an advanced society. To create such beautiful manuscripts is the sign of an advanced society. So Gerald has to figure out a way to take it down a peg.

And he does it by basically saying, that book, yeah, it was made in Ireland but here's what happened. So the monks that were making the Book of Kells, they knew they wanted to make something really beautiful, but they didn't have the skill, they couldn't do it. So what happened was an angel appeared to him

and the angel said to him, don't worry, just go to bed and wake up the next morning and I'll do it for you so that's how Gerald explains the book of Kells angels visited the monks of Ireland and made it for them and that's why Ireland produced

such a beautiful brilliant illuminated manuscript and you can see the jealousy in it because Gerald's drawings are shit like Gerald has illustrated his own book and it's full of all these You can see the jealousy in it because Gerald's drawings are shit. Like, Gerald has illustrated his own book and it's full of all these, but they're just shit caricatures, like. It's nothing compared to the Book of Kells.

But here he is shitting on it. It's like, fuck, the Book of Kells. I'm trying to portray these people as savages and they have all these wonderful books. What can I say? Brilliant. The angels wrote it, the angels made the book,

not the paddies, so you can imagine, his dinner audience, now going, yeah great, that makes sense, but then, he follows that up,

by saying, but don't worry, no they're shit, at the illuminated manuscripts, but I tell you, what they're amazing at, fucking music, because here's the thing music

would not have really been valued within Norman culture Gerald even says it himself in the book he says that the music of England isn't a patch on the music that's being made in Ireland and that it's a shame that the the English people and the Welsh people don't appreciate music as much but the Irish are incredible musicians it's unlike anything you've ever heard of this they have harps they have drums it's incredible music but the thing there is that in the eyes of the Normans at the time the creation of music, in particular folk music would not have been considered an intellectual pursuit it would not have been considered

the hallmarks of a civilised society the creation of music was too too physical, too base but Gerald still gives the Irish great compliments. Like, despite their savagery, they are unparalleled musicians. And that's a racist trope that carried on in British colonization to many different cultures.

In particular, the people in Africa that were colonized by the British. You see that same trope. Oh, they're fantastic musicians. They don't have written language, but oh, the music they make is phenomenal. Great musicians. Then he goes on to describe,

and this is one of the things that I really get pissed off about with this book. So Gerald reads out several biblical stories. Stories from the Bible now one of the things that Ireland did during that golden age is the monks in Irish monasteries would have had access to biblical stories and a lot of them kind of went

none of these bible stories mention Ireland so like there's an Irish story of Noah's flood but one of Noah's daughters makes her way to Ireland there's a story of the tower of Babel and an Irish character finds his way into the story of the tower of Babel and that's how the Irish language was born so you have all these rich, creative Irish interpretations of the Bible that try to include Ireland in the Bible story

but Gerald kind of includes them as, look at what these fucking paddies are doing to the Bible look at what they're doing, they're writing themselves into it, can't fucking put up with this shit, that's not how it's supposed to be that's not how the bible is written and this would have been horrendous at the time and that was one of the things that really pissed off the pope that the irish are off there on their own with their big fancy fucking monasteries and

they're rewriting the bible to include paddy in it and then finally as he gets near the end of the book that's when the real vitriol comes out. In a chapter called Of the Character, Customs and Habits of This People, I have considered it not superfluous to give a short account of the condition of this nation, both bodily and mentally. I mean their state of cultivation, both interior and exterior. This people are not tenderly nursed from their birth as others are. For besides the rude fare they receive from the parents, which is only sufficient for their sustenance, the rest is left to nature. So he's saying there that Irish children aren't raised, they're just let out to be wild

like animals. Their want of civilization shows both in their dress and mental culture makes them a barbarous people. The Irish are a rude people, subsisting on the produce of their cattle only and living themselves like beasts. A people that has not yet departed from the primitive habits of pastoral life. Mankind progresses from the forest to the field, from the field to the town and to the social condition of citizens. But this nation nation holding agricultural labor in contempt and here's the big one this would have been a really big deal at the time

obviously this would have been the most offensive thing he could say um the faith having been planted in the island from the time of saint patrick so many ages ago and propagated almost ever since it is wonderful that this nation should remain to this day so very ignorant of the rudiments of Christianity. It is indeed a filthy race, a race sunk in vice, a race more ignorant than all other nations of the first principles of faith. They frequent not the church of God, they don't contract marriages, nor do they shun incestuous connections. What is most detestable, and not only contrary to the gospel, but to everything that is right in many parts of Ireland,

brothers, I will not say marry, but seduce and debauch the wives of their brothers deceased. They are given to treachery more than any other nation, and never keep the faith they have pledged, neither shame nor fear withholding them from constantly violating the most solemn obligations which when entered into with themselves they are above all things anxious to have observed. So he goes on and on and on by just saying the Irish are untrustworthy, violent, filthy, incestuous, The Irish are untrustworthy, violent, filthy, incestuous, horrible, horrendous people. The most rotten, horrendous people on this earth. So what he's done is he's, through reading this book and doing it over dinner and showing everybody the fucking, the drawings and all of this shit,

you start off feeling smart then you're laughing and jeering at the Irish you're horrified, you're titillated at the bestiality he's discrediting things like the Book of Kells in case for a second there you're thinking ah fuck it they're handy artists and he goes no fuck that but they're good musicians though

we don't give a shit about music they're good at that finally he lays into the Irish by calling us just filthy, lazy, treacherous bollockses. And when you think it's all over, he finishes it with the final chapter, which is of a new and monstrous way of inaugurating their kings. He says, a white mayor is led into the midst of them. And he who is to be inaugurated not as a prince but as a brute not as a king but as an outlaw comes before the people on all fours confessing himself a beast

with no less impudence than imprudence the mare the horse a female horse being immediately killed and cut into pieces and boiled a bath is prepared for him from the broth sitting in this he eats the So basically Gerald says in the book in order to become a king in Ireland you have to get down on all fours, you have to fuck a horse, then you have to chop the horse up, then you have to fuck a horse then you have to chop the horse up then you have to put the horse's body into a boiling hot bath you have to cook the horse then you have to climb into the boiling hot bath with the horse's chopped up body

then you have to eat the meat in the bath yourself while you are also boiling and then everyone around you has to come along and reach into your boiling bath water and eat the horse you just fucked so that right there that's it it's just like don't worry about conquering these people they don't have leaders they don't have kings they're that's not real royalty they're fucking and eating horses and also what does it mean there for to kill eat or have sex with a horse why is that so bad in the context

of the time like even today that's not great but in the 12th century why is that so bad and did the irish even do this with horses probably not because if you want to see the roots of why that's such a taboo if you go back to 732 which is like 400 years before this book is even written but you go back to 732 and you'll see that Pope Gregory III sent a letter to Boniface asking him to abolish the pagan custom of slaughtering and eating horses horse sacrifice was a thing with certain tribes of europe horse sacrifice was a thing the vikings sacrificed horses and basically do you know the way in judaism or in islam you don't eat pork and you think well Christianity doesn't have anything like

that it does fucking horse meat so in the 700s the Pope at the time made a concerted effort to associate either the sacrifice or eating of horses with pagan traditions on Christian evil pagan savage traditions so when this accusation against the Irish arrives in topographia hibernica in the 1200s, this is like the worst shit you could say about someone. These are pagans. They're sacrificing, eating and fucking horses. Cleanse them.

Save them. Teach them the way of Christ. That just delegitimizes everything. That's your propaganda, propaganda your ideology your permission for anyone who was doubting or wondering like we are Norman Christians should we really be conquering and subjugating this other nation of Christians that have these illuminated manuscripts this these people who appear on the surface to be really educated and civilized and cultured should we really be conquering them?

Yeah, absolutely. Look at what they're doing to the horses. Look at the women turning into hares and sucking tits. And the bizarre irony there as well is, I mentioned at the start about, so Pope Adrian gave permission to the King of, King Henry II of England to go over there and colonise Ireland. And Henry waited 20 years to do it.

Henry wasn't too interested in conquering Ireland, to be honest. He just wasn't that interested. What happened that made him do it? Why did he get this permission from the Pope and then decide to have a crack at it 20 years later? Because King Henry murdered the Archbishop of Canterbury. King Henry, big posh Norman King of England, had a feud with the Archbishop of Canterbury, which is the highest bishop in the country. The Archbishop of Canterbury is the only person who can inaugurate

a King of England. So if you want to become a King of England the Archbishop of Canterbury has to inaugurate you. Henry had him killed and then was wanted for it. So in order to create a distraction he invaded Ireland.

So that's the irony of it. They're talking about how illegitimate kings are in Ireland because they're not inaugurated properly. And Henry killed the Archbishop of Canterbury. So that right there, that book from the 12th century, which I adore. I love reading it. I read it frequently.

And it's an enjoyable book. and it's a long time ago. And I like to read it with pleasure and I find it funny. But it's also the beginning of anti-Irish propaganda. And when I compare it to British tabloids, it's the exact same shit as British tabloids. It does the same job. tabloids it's the exact same shit as british tabloids it does the same job and a lot of the anti-irish racism the tropes about us being lazy stupid treacherous crafty not wanting to do work the genetics of that toxicity and that propaganda and that racism survived all the way through that racism survived all the way through British colonization of the world whenever it was time to subjugate India, to subjugate Africa.

Survived then and even last year with Brexit. When Brexit happened and when it looked like Ireland was becoming a problem for Brexit and the British tabloids started roaring out the same old tired anti-Irishness and you can trace its genes all the way back to that in the fucking 1200s so that's this week's hot take, hope you enjoyed

that, I don't know what I'll be back with next week I'm going to sign off now and then after I sign off I'm going to come back on with my segment where I play a little song from my Twitch stream. If you're not interested in that, if you have no interest in my Hyper Real musical,

you don't have to listen to it. You can sign off right now. If you are interested, you can stick around till after the break. Dog bless. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Right, so this is a new segment I've added to the podcast. Every week, I go on to a live streaming website called twitch.tv twitch.tv forward slash the blind boy podcast and what I've been doing for the past year over lockdown

is I'm doing a hyper real musical project. So basically I have a bunch of recording equipment with me and musical instruments and it's in front of a live audience a live streaming audience and I play a video game called Red Dead Redemption 2 which is a digital recreation of the wild west and what I do is I wander around this video game and I write songs in the moment I literally make songs up on the spot and I produce them and I mixed them in the moment as an act of improvised creativity where people are watching and people can participate and comment as it's happening

so that art is being created in the moment and it's not about the finished piece it's about the process also what I enjoy about it for me it's a new way of making, it's a new way of making music. It's a new way of writing songs. I'm writing songs in a hyper-real digital environment, using a video game and the events that happen to trigger creativity. So, I'll play you a little song. This one is actually from last Thursday. And I don't even think I have to, I'm not even going to explain it, alright? I'm wandering around a video game in the Wild West, and I just wrote a think I have to I'm not even going to explain it alright I'm wandering around a video game

in the wild west and I just wrote a song in the moment I'd made a nice little instrumental piece that I'd built up it took about 15 minutes to make live

and then I did a spoken word piece over it responding to what was happening on screen and I was really happy with the results and also as well if you heard the song at the end of last week's podcast the audio fidelity wasn't great but now because of all the practice I've put in I'm much happier with the audio fidelity

I'm getting so and also with this song I got to mix in some of the sound effects from the game it was raining in the game so it turned up the sound of the rain and it actually worked quite well atmospherically. So yeah, this is called Snorting Coke off the Cock of Skinny Jesus and it was created live. Everything was created and recorded live. You can actually see the video if you want. Go onto my Twitch stream, it'll still be up if you want to see me making it let's turn up that rain man Standing outside in the rain, underneath the lamplight

Scratching my bollocks with a gun in my shoulder The purple sky hangs up above, I'm standing underneath the gun half asleep Out in Janesborough, torrential rain coming in from the sideways. Type of rain that goes into your ear. And you'd be half deaf in one ear and you can't put in your ear pod. And the back was getting battered off me. My back was getting battered with the rain. And I was terrified that I'd me my back was getting battled with the rain

and I was terrified that I'd collapse and get set on to fire cause there's a lamp behind me there it's one of them lamps when you shoot it it goes on fire bollocks bollocks I'm after setting fire to the farm Farms after going on fires In the middle of a storm And what I'll fuck, men What I'll go to hell

I'm burning the crucifix Of the skinny Jesus I'm burning the crucifix Of the skinny Jesus with no arms I got Christ with no arms And I put him to a crossifix with a skinny Jesus with no arms I got Christ with no arms and I put him to a cross and I burnt the skinny Jesus Burnin' the skinny Jesus and the straight crucifix, man Don't allow the cork off the straight crucifix Don't allow the lines of cork off the straight

crucifix Skinny Jesus Skinny Jesus with no arms And I don't cork after length of his dick Skinny Jesus and the crucifix Don't cork after length of his dick I'm creeping by this window I'm creeping Creeping by this window

And I'm creeping outside And I'm creeping outside And I'm creeping I'm creeping by this window and I'm creeping outside and I'm creeping outside and I'm creeping. I'm creeping by this window and I'm creeping. All right, good night. Good night, everybody. all right good night good night everybody