The Break-Up Diet - Carla Borges was in an OPEN Relationship for 3 Years and Still Got Dumped... No One's Safe!

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

What happens when a monogamous relationship evolves into something more complex? Carla Borges, rising top model and dear friend, joins us to unpack her journey through the emotional landscape of open relationships and breakups. Carla's candid recount of her six-year relationship, marked by the transition from monogamy to openness, gives us a raw glimpse into her world. She opens up about how she navigated her partner's insecurities and her own path of self-discovery, including the embrace of her bisexuality. This episode offers a unique perspective on balancing personal growth with the emotional intricacies of love and loss.Together, we tackle the nuanced dynamics of relationships, reflecting on the delicate dance between jealousy and territoriality, and how societal expectations shape our personal narratives. Our own experiences from high school relationships shed light on the challenges of polyamory and monogamy, especially during life-altering moments like university and lockdown. It's a thought-provoking conversation about the importance of setting boundaries and the fine line between connection and codependency. We share stories that illustrate how relationships can both test and nurture our personal evolution, underscoring the value of respecting ourselves and each other.The journey doesn't end with a breakup; rather, it marks the beginning of profound self-reflection and healing. Carla and I share our experiences in processing breakups that lack definitive closure and how embracing vulnerability can lead to newfound strength. We discuss the liberation found in self-awareness and independence, and the courage required to wish for mutual growth following a breakup. This journey of personal transformation is filled with honest reflections, as we highlight the empowerment that comes from fully understanding and embracing our emotions, setting the stage for new beginnings and aspirations.Send us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

Hey everyone, welcome to the breakup diet. We've got an exciting new guest on the pod Carla Borges show yourself Top model Oh soon to be yeah So you guys knew each other through modeling? Yeah, so we met at a shoot three years ago and we've just been friends ever since Is the is the Scorpio Aries chemistry. Yeah, no, a hundred percent of what. So you've seen me through my worst breakup. Honestly, it's insane.

Yeah, actually. Is that how you bonded? It was, I think we were already pretty good friends then. And then when you moved to Bow, that was the trenches. I think the trenches were really, you were going through it first and then you threw your divorce party and I literally literally it was literally a week like we broke up literally a week before your divorce party so I was like damn this could not come any better. Buckle up bitches it's gonna get bumpy this is the breakup diet.

So half of your relationship was open, right? How was that? A lot of up and downs. I don't think it was ever really like that nice in general. Like there was always a, like his feelings of insecurity and not really wanting to be in an open relationship with me, even though he never really said it until the end of the breakup. He was like, oh, I never want to, I never really wanted to be in an open relationship with me, even though he never really said it until the end of the breakup. He was like, oh, I never really wanted to be in an open relationship anyways. I only did it because I was afraid to lose you. I'm like, well, no shit, Sherlock, you could have at least told me, you know? Because it's like, why would you extend this long to tell me that you never wanted to be in this type of relationship in the first place? How long were you guys open for? So we were together for almost six years.

And so we were together like close for like three and then open for the next three as well. I was the one that opened it up. So I was the one, because at the time I was going through just finding out a lot of things about myself. The, you know, any normal teenager is going to go through and young adults is going to go through. So I found that like I was bi and I wanted to explore that and then

just before he went for uni like in 2020 because it was a lockdown I was like do we want to open this up further because I'm not gonna we're not gonna get the opportunity to see each other as often because of lockdown when all these like rules being set in place from the next time I'm gonna see you it's Christmas. So do you wanna like... I want you to have the freedom and the peace of mind that if you do get to a point where you do see somebody and there is chemistry between the two of you and you know that like... You would... If I wasn't in the picture you would do it.

I'd want you to have the peace of mind to like just go for it. I was like, we talk it down, we set up some boundaries. I had one boundary to his 10 or maybe 20. I don't even know anymore. And like, we kind of like moved on from there. As somebody who only had one boundary, he like almost broke that one boundary from like in the first three months of that like relationship.

My only boundary was that as long as I'm still your emotional and romantic priority, like as long as you still see me as your future wife, mother of your kids, I don't care who you get with, especially like throughout this kind of like phase. Like you said, we got together so young and at that point we were like 20 and 19. So I was like, listen, let's explore, like let's give ourselves the freedom to explore these things before we actually settle down at some point. Why didn't you just break up at that point? So I did do a first

breakup first and I remember feeling really really guilty the first time we broke up. I remember crying on my bed, my best friend's bed. We broke up literally in a park and I went like, he went home and I went to my restaurant's house and I literally like cried my eyes out like the whole, whole evening. You felt guilty because you were like, that you had his feelings? Yeah, I felt really guilty because I knew I had his feelings and throughout our whole relationship,

it was always like me worrying so much about how he feels that like I would prioritize his feelings over mine. And that's always how he always went, especially throughout the whole, like the first time that we broke up, I felt like crap about myself. I was like, oh my God, he must be so upset. But it's like, I never really allowed myself the grace

to also feel it, to also actually, so to you, Eshwit, you also broke up with somebody that you really like. I'd rather myself be the one that gets her over him, even remotely getting a scratch on himself. I was always like so worried about him because I knew that like I was more emotionally strong. Like I had the much stable core foundation of my like of my confidence than he did. So you broke up in the park and then you go back. And then we eventually go back together. So we then go back together,

because you know young love, gosh, you feel like your world's falling apart, you can't live apart with each other. Just because it was like the first like two, three years of our relationship. So we were still kind of like honeymoon phase. And then we kind of go back together. We weren't like necessarily like open, open

up until like he was going off aopen up until he was going off. A year later, he was going off to uni. And then I was like, do you want to just be open-open just to avoid feeling like, oh my god, I don't want to like to you or my partner kind of things. Which is ironic because your partner doesn't care. I don't care. I never cared.

It's like I gave him, from the get- go, I gave him my full trust and my full loyalty that like, as long as you're choosing me, making me your priority, I don't care who you have sex with. To me, sex can just be purely physical. And so I was more than okay with him like being with other people. Like, but.

The ideal woman for a man. The ideal woman for a man, honestly. Man like. Slide in. Slide in. Honestly, when we broke up The ideal woman for a man. The ideal woman for a man, honestly. Slide in. Honestly, when we broke up and I was telling you, we have a joint friendship group and they were all saying how it's really weird that he essentially had what every man dreams of. A partner who is hot, successful and allows you to literally do whatever you want. He wanted to know if I had an interest in anybody, if I was seeing anybody, if I was talking to anybody, if I'm meeting anybody, where we're meeting, if I'm kissing, if I kissed anybody, if I had

sex with anybody. Like he wanted to know all, whereas like in my case I was okay with him, like if you go with somebody I was okay with not knowing. Like if you wanted to tell me by all means let me know if it was good, if it was enjoyable, like if you had fun I'm glad that you had fun. I'm like, I'm genuinely happy that you had fun. Would that not make you jealous? No, no, no. Really? I am not. I'm not.

Would that make you jealous? Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. I'm not. I'm not jealous person. I'm territorial because jealousy is wanting what you can't have or you don't have. I'm territorial. Territorial is a market was mine. I know that's mine. So it's like, why wouldn't I make like, why wouldn't I market? But it's like, if a girl came up to him and was like, oh my God, I think like in my presence,

it was like, I think you're really like cute and stuff. I'd be like, oh my God, hell yeah. I appreciate my partner. He is cute. I'd kill him. No, I'd kill him. That's stupid. I'd be like, I'd be like, you think what? It's like a bitch style. Say it again. I dare you. I feel like you think what? Say it again. Hell yeah.

You know that meme with Will Smith where it's like Jada Smith standing and he's like that? That's actually me as a partner. I always want people around me to feel like they are just as great. I want people to know how, like if I'm friends with somebody, or if I hold someone dear, it's because I definitely think, you're all that, you are that bitch, or you are that guy, and you're like successful and stuff.

And it's like, I want the rest of the world to know, like I'm not, I don't gatekeep. I was so happy to show him off. He was very more than happy to gatekeep me. Like that's essentially what it is. It's like- I think that's the thing with men do that though. I've heard that, I've heard that from friends. They don't want freedom. The whole like if you really love

something and if it's really yours set it free and they'll come back. Yeah that didn't apply in this case. He was like I don't even want to give you a chance to fly back and then come back. There's not doing that. He was like you're staying in this cage that I'm building. And he always knew that I was way out of his league since high school. I raised his high school status. That boy, his high school status puked. He puked in high school, I would say, honestly. So obviously the first year that we started dating, I was in year 12. So I was like, oh, this is a little weird. So we're not going to be acting lobby-dobby in school. But his friends knew, my friends knew who I was dating. And when we'd be walking to lessons together,

you know how every year group has the cool, kind of rowdy, cool crowd voice? They will spot him. They'll be like, Abe. They'll be like, we see you, we see you. And I'll just be like, oh boy, let me just go to my science lesson. Like he, when I tell you I raised his status, like he, like we'd pass by like year sevens and be like, oh, that's the guy who's dating like the really Q6 former. This man peaked! Like I was like,

your confidence came from me. Your, like your whole, like your whole personality, me. Like I, I, I raised you. I like nurtured this, which again, like even using words like this just make me realize just how, again, how codependent we became really quickly. Like, and I thought like at the end of the day, I was helping him through his mommy issues, but I was just like, I was just encouraging even more. Can I ask a really dumb question? It might be really dumb. Go on. What is poly? It's the opposite of being monogamous. So monogamy is obviously just the traditional sense that a man and a woman will get together and they'll be in a close off relationship.

Polyamory means that you're somebody who can have multiple partners and be in multiple relationships at the same time. Okay, thank you for clearing that up. I love how I was thinking. Yeah, well that's the natural definition of it. So the breakup before you open things up, what was that like? What was that breakup like?

I feel like it was just such a teenager, like my world is- How many days? I think we maybe lasted two or three months actually, before we actually go back together. That's pretty solid though. Yeah, no, that actually is pretty solid, but it was actually just like-

For teenagers as well. For teenagers, yeah, yeah, yeah. We tried really hard, I think it was like two months ish. What did you do in that time? Like I was too worried. I had, I had A-levels to sit. I was crying between taking test papers, mock papers. That first breakup was when we really started getting like super codependent.

And then yeah, we went to uni, like he went to uni. So how did you navigate the rest of the open relationship, the remaining three years? So after kind of like lockdown was over, and obviously we were out outside, it was Hot Girl Summer and all that stuff. It was like, that was like the first time I started going to like being on dating apps. And it's like, again, I tried to really hold his boundaries up, you know, the whole, who I had an interest with. Also like one of his boundaries was that like,

I was in this, like, as long as it's not anybody that we knew was kind of fine, which- That is fair enough. That is fair, like that's honestly fair enough. And that's kind of like the only thing that I know I did wrong because I'm already very antisocial. So the only time I have to be social is with people that I play frisbee with.

So you homie hopped in the urban relationship. No I didn't homie hop and never go with any of his friends Jesus Christ no I got I got morals gosh no it's really like but that's what I'm saying it was never any like any person that we knew that like that were directly associated within our group like a friendship group it's like people that we play frisbee with I never hid it I never hid it away because he wanted to know who I had an interest with. I'd be like, oh, it's kind of cute. And oh my God, you could feel the shift. The air would get tense. It would get heavy. Like you could feel it so quickly that he just get upset over it. And I'm like, you wanted to know. Which one out of the two breakups was harder for you? The second one? It was definitely the second one.

Yeah. The, I felt like there was just so much more history built up at that point. And it was like, we were together for six years and people would literally joke about how like, oh, you're practically married now. And you know, it's the whole like flex of like being high school sweethearts and like having found the one at the early age, definitely paid a lot into like wanting to hold onto it. Like I always did feel like societal pressure.

Yeah, exactly. And it was like, I always felt like this is the one person arguably in the world that knows me the most. I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to have to like find somebody else, especially if I was still going through all those things and opening up, opening up is really hard for me. Like I struggled to like open up. I'm very overly independent, bottle up until you

explode kind of girl. So I knew that like wanting to find somebody, like having to find somebody else that I would have to like tell my sub story again and where I come from and the things and the hardships that made who I am today. It was like, that's too much effort. It's like, nah, no thank you. During your relationship, did you ever have doubts whether he was the one or did you think that he was your person? I always thought like he was my person and that we could definitely like make it work

because we are pretty compatible in terms of like personality and the hardships that we kind of like went through and stuff. A year ago, January, that's when I kind of like started thinking more about like, okay, now is like really the time to think is the person that I'm with like what I like and it's just I started realizing and noticing things about him and his personality and things that he was doing or not doing that was like this actually would be a deal breaker. There was just a lot of like times where he would trigger my

trauma and like slash me like in the relationship, especially after I saw like went on a date with all the guys and like I didn't tell him, oh you didn't tell me though like you said you're gonna have sex with these people but you did and I'm like well that's the whole point of like our open relationship anyway that we have the freedom to just do it. Well you want me to like get off a guy's like lap and be like sorry let me just call my boyfriend real quick and ask for permission to have sex with you. Like that's like his boundaries were borderline pretty controlling. But because he was my person and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and I want to uphold his boundaries, like I would still do it. And I would always feel so bad whenever I break those boundaries because even though they're abusive, because you you set them and they are your boundaries, I felt like compelled that I needed to like fulfill them. Like I remember asking him,

I was like, do you think I'm a bad person? Because we essentially broke up on the status that he felt like he was being cheated on for me not telling him that I saw two other guys and didn't tell him. And it was really hard for me to try to like hold my ground and be like, but actually we weren't in a relationship anyway. I don't have to tell you who I see and who I don't see. At some point he called me filthy. Like, I think you're filthy right now, after I came from a date. And I was like, why do you think that's okay for you to disrespect me and then expect 100% from me?

In the beginning, when we actually did break up, I didn't feel like... I thought I was going through the stages, but I actually wasn't going through the stages. I thought I was like really like compartmentalizing. Also because like I had a lot of things going on in my life where I had like to give focus to that. So it was like a new job, a lot of work going on for modeling as well. So you broke up and you weren't straight busy basically. Yeah, exactly. Like, and it wasn't until like a friend mentioned how like, my emotion had been very incredibly volatile, that it made me realize that actually I wasn't going through the process at all. I hadn't moved on. It wasn't until like we were at the pub and it was like, made a comparison. It was like the Carla you a

year ago and the Carla you now, you are so much quicker to anger and to like explode than you were a year ago. Like we you now, you are so much quicker to anger and to like explode than you were a year ago. Like we know you're passionate, but now you're like destructive. Now you're destructive. Like, and that's really what made me realize that, oh my God, I wasn't going through, I didn't go through it. Like I literally just bolted it all up and it was like, that's when like the full like process of actually going through like a breakup started to happen. I was a little bit, I was more quiet, crying more often. And like what I wanted to have like a closure conversation because I felt like a lot of, I didn't get to say a lot of things on that breakup because again, I just, I was at the

push where I was like, I was allowing his feelings to take priority over mine. When was the closure conversation then? So we went non-contact from September to December. So broken up on September. September, went no contact. We were supposed to meet up in December to like decide if we wanted to talk again and maybe make like steps to being friends or amicable. What were you seeking for? Like with the closure?

Like I said, there were things that I really wanted to talk about, but I realized that he told me that, and regardless of whether we have this conversation or not, that it wouldn't change any feelings that he had or any like... So he was done. So he like, it seemed like from the conversation, it made me feel like he was like fully done. He accepted the decision. He accepted that there wasn't going to be like us anymore. After he told me that, I was like, you know, we don't have to have, we don't need to have that conversation anymore. Well done. Don't like, I'm going to save myself the ego, but I want you to unfollow me. I want you to like, not contact me ever again. Don't send me memes.

Like we're going to go fully non-contact because I realized that I haven't moved on yet. If I'm going to move on, I don't want, I can't have any reminder in my life that you exist. No, like genuinely out of sight, out of mind. No, literally out of sight, out of freaking mind. Took you about like six months for you to be like, oh, fuck this. Yeah. Well, it was really fast. It was like the whole like, it was like crying and being like sad

and then fully accepting the like, OK, this is the end. But trying to like do one final bargaining and then it was the full like, go fuck yourself, like era. Well, I was like, you know, I'm going to get hot. I'm going I'm gonna mind my own business I'm gonna focus on the things that I want to focus on and I'm just gonna like go back to the person that I was before I even met you because at the end of the day a part of that girl has been lost because she kept fucking making space for your feelings on her life. I think that's what made me even more angry was when I realized that like, you may blame me for like how the relationship ended and saying how like I'm a bad person,

but it's like at the end of the day, I was 17 and then I was 18 and then I was 19, I was 20, I was 21, I was 22 and not at any point was I given the grace to be those ages. Oh, I hate crying in front of cameras. That's disgusting. And it was very much like, I was a child that needed to be protected just as much as you needed to be protected. Like, and you always felt like it was on my shoulder to always be the adult to always be like, okay, this is how we're going to move on from this. But it's like, I was a child too. I deserve the grace of like, making mistakes like a 17 year old would on like my old journals. And like the person writing those journals always felt so guilty

and always felt like I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable because it would like give a, it would show a message that this person that's like, oh, it's her shit together, super smart, knows how to answer every problem in life. Like actually is not that person kind of thing. So the girl that was writing those things is a very different girl from the girl who's like sat here right now. And obviously I don't know the story that he told his parents. His older brother actually hates me.

Like he never really liked me from when we first met me. Sorry. So I don't know the story that you told your parents, that you told your brother, that you told. Dude, men always exaggerate the breakup. They make the woman sound like the worst fucking person. The friends that, you know, we used to have together, like, you can keep them because you all think the same thing is like, I've grown and I've always been the

grown up among us. I've always been the oldest anyways, in our friendship group. And it's like, whatever you decide to tell those people, I really, I really don't care. Did you lose your friends and all those friends? No, I didn't. Like if anything, those friends, I cut them off. It's like I cut off people the moment they disrespect me. I'm like, bye bye.

You can take it. But obviously they're still all like, we will still like, yeah, exactly. So obviously we all do play the same freaking sports. So they like, I was like,, and we all do play the same freaking sports. So they like, I was like, you know, you can keep the friends. It was never like, I never, I was never upset about like, thinking, oh, like, is it going to be awkward if you hang out? Because I actually, at that point, I was already cutting off people individually in regardless of him. And I know, and I know that I'm never going to hold whatever opinion those people have of me, because they

were never in a relationship with you for six years. All the like been known for being really good friends with girls and it's true. He has always been pretty good friends. He's always been respectful. But those friends don't know the amount of slut-shaming that you did to me. They don't know all the things that you've said to me that were very hurtful. They don't know that side of you, the person that I know you were to me. I know you never would do that to any of your female friends, but you've done it to me on your, like your girlfriend, your significant other. You would like, literally like the moment, like people would say something

about me that you think it was maybe true, you would literally condemn me. Like condemn me on the spot and just like be really disrespectful and really like also trigger my trauma in the process. And like once I like really started to deepen those things that's when I was really like, I hate you. I do hate you. Okay, so I feel like your breakup, you've been through every single emotion in the cycle, like the anger. I feel like I also went twice through them. Like it was multiple cycles up until I was like, okay, I accept this. With everything that you've been through, what would be your best advice?

One thing you did maybe, did you journal? Did you run? I think the biggest thing that I've done that helped me go back to who I was is that I understood what my flaw was that was keeping me from moving on anyways. And I knew that like that was me unable to kind of like process my emotion and compartmentalizing a lot. And it's something that I'm trying to do even more, which is I feel my emotions as they come, which was I think the biggest thing for me because like I said, I thought I was going through them, but actually I was literally having big outbursts of anger and realizing that actually you actually haven't gone through it.

And I think a lot of people feel like they have to move on or bounce back so quickly. And it's like that's you need to you need to sit down with yourself. And I feel like I remember telling you this in Bo where you literally just need to sit with yourself and feel it. I cried it out and I realized just like how much of the person I want to become I already am. I remember sitting on the floor and just being like oh my god I never want to be like a bitter person or resentment person or someone who like is so quick to anger someone who like doesn't feel like they can be themselves kind of thing and I just like realize like all the amazing things that I have the traits that I am and then at the end the feelings that are gonna be left with me are just feelings of peace

you're still a good person at the end of it and you do deserve to like go get the shit that you want like allow yourself to like feel it out like oh my god I feel like helpless I feel horrible and then once you cry all of those out you'll feel like such a sense of peace because everything is just like let out like there's nothing bottled up anymore you just kind of like become a empty vessel who's actually ready to be filled in with the things that you want to fill it in with and that's like how I kind of like went back to being the bad bitch I am. That's how I kind of went back to being the bad bitch I am. That's so beautifully said, Carla. In general, when people break up, there's typically a clear reason.

Someone did something, someone cheated, someone got upset, someone got hurt. That's why we broke up. But because our situation was so murky and it wasn't necessarily things that were concrete. It wasn't black and white. That's to say, it wasn't black and white. It was so gray in so many areas. I think that's what makes it harder to move on. Because it's like, if one of us had cheated and they'd be like, you're a horrible person,

we move on. If you had cheated or if you had done something concrete, then I could be like, yeah, fuck yourself. And I probably wouldn't have gone through that. For some odd reason, on the future, if we end up crossing paths again, I know that I would hate to still be the same person I am today in about five years and I knew that I never wanted that. I wanted to like, if we met and we sat down in a coffee shop, I want him to be a different person. If anything, I don't even wish, I don't wish

him any ill or anything at all. I literally like, the last message to him was that I hope you can become somebody you are proud to say you are because that's always what I wanted for you. And that's always because that's always what I wanted for myself. So I was like, I hope that that's like in five years, if we have a cross paths, I hope me and you are two different people. Like, I just hope we actually did the growth that this needed because I would feel really bad if like in five years I was like successful CEO when you're still the same bomb I'd be like ugh. Thank you so much for coming on today. I feel like you were so vulnerable, so raw about the breakup diet, the fucking raw diet basically with you.

Seriously, it means a lot that you opened up this much. Yeah, thank you so much. That's really brave. No worries. Yeah, we love you this much. Yeah, thank you so much. That's really brave. No worries. No worries. Yeah, we love you so much. You've always been the superstar the entire time I've known you to be, seriously. So grindier. Always. Honestly, it's such a weight off your chest, actually. Proud of you. And I didn't realize how much that relationship was actually a big weight on me. Like the moment we broke up, I just felt like, and it was one thing that I didn't want to accept.

It was like, there was a weight off my child, like my mental health, you know, it was lighter. I was like, I'm not gonna do this anymore. I'm not gonna do this anymore. I'm not gonna do this anymore. I'm not gonna do this anymore. I'm not gonna do this anymore.