The Break-Up Diet - How to bring up the DREADED "What are we?" convo

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

This episode delves into the intricacies of dating labels and their impact on modern relationships. We explore the confusion surrounding terms like “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” and “exclusive,” discussing societal pressures and personal expectations that shape how we define our connections.• Exploring the importance of clarity and security in relationships • Discussing the meaning of “exclusive” and its emotional implications • Sharing personal experiences with navigating relationship labels • Addressing the pressure that labels can create in dating • Examining societal influences on the need for relationship definitions • Learning strategies for discussing labels and expectations • Reflecting on the emotional toll of ambiguous relationships • Highlighting the significance of communication in dating dynamicsSend us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

How's it going? How are you, Yaz? I'm good, how are you? Good, but I've just had my head wandering around the idea of dating again, right? I think you need to get on it. Um, no, but how does it work now in terms of your dating? What do you mean, how does it work? You meet somebody, Ilma, and then you go on a few dates with them. That's how you date.

Okay, after the date, you meet someone nice. somebody Ilma and then you go on a few dates with them that's how you date okay after the day you meet someone nice what happens next how do we deal with the conversation of what are we buckle up bitches it's gonna get bumpy this is the breakup diet labels that's what I'm scared of maybe not the dating part labels you want to know how to get out of like a situationship and get a girlfriend label is that what you're asking me how do we navigate and understand what the boundaries are i get that when you're dating you're not immediately girlfriend and boyfriend but then at the same time you kind of want to be i would want them to be loyal yeah i get you so what what are labels like what do you think labels are okay so the labels that i can think of this is based on like

love island genuinely boyfriend girlfriend exclusive i hate that term exclusive i don't understand exclusive i hate it so much it's like you're dating or you're not what's exclusive what is exclusive like just say boyfriend girlfriend yeah but what is exclusive okay so when i was seeing my ex and he asked for us to be exclusive i asked him the exact same question and he said oh it's when we don't see other people that makes no sense so i'm just like oh why don't you just make me a girlfriend yeah so what can they do if you're exclusive you can't if you cheat it's uh okay because you're exclusive not boyfriend girlfriend is that what it is oh my god do you think that's what it is what else is it pigs so basically they want access to me and access to you, you, you, everyone.

Yeah, they want their cake and eat it too. Is that the right saying? Their cake and eat it too. Yes, we should know. The cake is our third co-host. I know, they can't have our cake. We have the cake. The cake's ours.

So what does that mean? So you can't... Well, you tell me. You've been in it. I haven't been in it. It's just a hellhole of more blurred lines if anything i probably was way more confused than i was without the label yeah so what you were seeing each other for like a few weeks and then he was like let's become exclusive yeah did he like ask you like he was asking you out or how did he ask you

oh my god no he didn't even ask me. He would just tell people in front of me that we're exclusive. I think exclusive means for the man, I think it means they can get with somebody else, but you can't. Pigs! I can't cope with it. What else are the other labels? So there's exclusive, there's boyfriend, girlfriend,

there's single, there's desperate. I'll put my hand up for that. So what do you think a label does? Does it just make you more confused or less confused? I think I would be less confused if it was the traditional label of girlfriend, boyfriend or engaged or marriage. Basically the labels our parents had growing up.

Yeah. Why has it gotten so much more complicated? Yeah. I don't know. I can't tell you. Just choose. Just pick me. Choose me.

Love me. Pick. Just pick me. I me. Love me. Pick. Just pick me. I don't know what. I think I've only been single or a girlfriend. That's so nice. Have you ever been in a situationship? Yeah, I've been in loads of situationships. So I guess.

But they weren't even exclusive. They weren't said that. So none of them. I mean, I was, but they probably weren't even exclusive they weren't said that so so none of them i mean i was but they probably weren't so none of them asked you what your vibe is what are you feeling i didn't get to that stage oh oh i would have been like in love no joking now that you're obviously in a relationship you've got the label of a girlfriend he he's got the label of a boyfriend, does it make you feel more secure and stable? Yeah, for sure. Because I feel like when you don't have a label on your relationship, you don't know how to act.

You don't know what the boundaries are. You don't know where their head is as much. Although it's so simple, just having that word, it does make you feel more at ease. There's so much weight to that one word alone. It's crazy, isn't it? Yeah, but do you think that having a label then puts more pressure on your situationship? So you stop just enjoying each other's company and stuff, and then you become more stressed out on,

because they're a boyfriend, they should do this. Yeah, that's actually true. Because if you're a boyfriend, girlfriend, you should be technically celebrating Valentine's Day and Christmas presents and just all these expenditure. And then when you've got, I don't know, a holiday with your friends and they're bringing all their couples, you know, you've got that pressure to bring your boyfriend or there's a lot. I think a label is like good most of the time but sometimes i think it can put stress on your own relationship for me i feel like it did because i expected more oh my gosh so what what more did you want from because obviously at the start it's nice you like their company it's nice hanging out with them what was the more for you

personally you wanted to do the most you hear all the like good things you and the movies and you want them to do that yeah that's like flowers all the time picking you up from the train station i don't know going out for dinner going on holidays it's like a lot so you feel their job should be serving you no joking but i get what you mean you feel their job should be serving you no but i get what you mean you want their presence a bit more yeah even though it shouldn't really change from what it was before really but you just want to feel more closer and more connected yeah i think that's quite normal no yeah i think it's normal but i think it's also bad because of the pressure it adds so that's probably why people don't want to go into being like in a label because they don't

want that extra pressure that i think women put on men oh this is so unfair but then do you think men do the same thing but for different reasons like do, do you think that now you're the girlfriend, you have to cook for them, you have to clean for them? Oh, my God. This story is going to piss me off, Yaz. Get one. So when I got the title of wife, the expectations were suddenly that I clean up after him.

Ew. And wash the dishes and stuff. Ew, boys are so gross. The excuse was, his reasoning was oh but you know i'm the provider and you're working from home anyway why don't you provide me a cleaner like i'm not a cleaner i'm your wife it it honestly the pressure as a wife was the hardest because they want i don't know if we can say this word they want a whore they want a cleaner they want like a therapist all in one and that your problems

also i guess your problems weren't as you know at the forefront it's all about him yeah and naturally as a woman we're such nurturers we to, we always tend to just take care of everyone around us. Yeah. And naturally, I like took that role on, on top of my day job and then modeling and then influencing and then to be a whore, a therapist and a cleaner at once. Oh, God. You had so many labels.

Yeah. Take them away from me. So actually, we don't want labels not if they're that if the expectations are so much behind a label i think maybe no i don't want it but would you not be more confused then you know imagine you didn't have that label would you not be there like wondering why am i doing all this sort of stuff because you would still do a lot of the stuff let's be honest but you wouldn't even have a label of it so you'd just be doing the stuff for nothing i completely get you and then you have that

confusion of whether he's being loyal or if it's the right thing to stop seeing other people on my end as well so what are some of the good things let's do some of the pros and cons of a label. Good things personally for me, I love that it kind of acted as a, I guess a vow to be loyal to each other. It kind of is. Security, basically. Definitely. The security is actually so worth it.

And then you can kind of introduce them proudly to people, say, oh, like, he's mine. We're just each other's. We're only seeing each other. He's my boyfriend. It is exciting to have that yeah so i'm gonna ask you something is that just for other people then yeah yeah it is nice to be like oh sorry guys i'm out of the trenches i got a man bye yeah good luck on the streets to be dead is rough is rough you're telling me it is rough i was on the streets you're telling me like a rat no generally i'm like the flea on the rat well it's another pro

another pro would be like that you can plan stuff more because you're more secure so you're not you know you're more secure so you can be like let's go here together i want this when i'm older because you feel more comfortable yeah you can plan your future properly yeah whereas like if it's someone that you don't know how long they're going to be around you really want to invest that time and that energy in them and plan you know because they're like well you might not be here tomorrow i can't lie from experience it's the guys without the labels that want the most out of me no genuinely they go oh but what about babies you don't want babies and i'm like oh but you haven't asked me to be your girlfriend let

alone a ring i'm not having a kid before marriage what the hell is that about what is that about i've never heard that and they would say it in such endearing way being like oh i'd love to have kids with you i think you know what i think that is is the power trip they want you to want it but they don't want it so that they can take it away oh it's all just games i'm sick of it yeah another pro of like having a label means that you're not as confused and that way you can you know be more settled in yourself and you can you know be happier okay now what are the cons oh well cons personally i feel if the expectation's too much it's kind of hard to avoid it because at the end of the day girlfriend boyfriend wife husband yeah there are duties behind each of those labels and if you can't if you're not up for it it's hard

yeah it's hard also if you rush into a label somebody should not be ready for it though too so say you suddenly you start dating someone and you're like bang we're boyfriend girlfriend and they're like still about the streets you know they're still they're still sniffing around like the rat they are then they're gonna cheat on you and because you have that expectation that they're not meant to be loyal to you you get way more hurt oh that's a bad thing about a label that is i never thought about it that way have you never been in a relationship where you've like jumped into being something more and then it backfired no nothing quick it was more just the guy would speak on behalf of me for what the label is.

I'd roll with it and then I'd just find something horrific. Nothing to do with the labels, just either they were married, they were cheating, all that. So they already had prior labels. Yeah, they wanted to add more. They wanted more cleaners, I guess. How long do you think you should wait until you bring up a label chat? I would say at least in the first two months, though. First two months, so... Maybe in the first month if you're seeing each other that regularly.

Okay, and how would you do it? Have you ever done it? I've never done it. Like I said, the stupid men around me speak on behalf of me. But do you not think that's just making them get first in you know this is what we are bang yeah so maybe you need to get first in i think so too that's if i even get in you will you will get in you will get in what's another con personally for you because you're the one with like an actual label this isn't for me because i don't find this yet yeah but maybe down the line we will

i think sometimes when you put a label on a relationship you can become quite complacent and lazy the spice goes away yeah so like you can be like oh they're my girlfriend so i don't need to put in that extra effort or oh they're my boyfriend so like i know they're gonna be there for me no matter what so like man don't need to go out for dinner yeah don't need to organize valentine's day or yeah so sometimes i think it can make your relationship a bit dull whereas like if it's in this toxic of you don't know where you are it is kind of fun it's horrible but the highs are really low high and the lows are really low oh just depends on what you guys want, really. Yeah, so pick your poison.

Yeah, I completely get where you're coming from. The complacency does kill the relationship. Do you think that labels kill a relationship? There's just good and bad in each of the situation, isn't there? Because obviously I see you, you've got the boyfriend-girlfriend label and you guys are great. And then i see other people without the label they're also doing so well navigating their relationship by themselves

in their own way do you think that they would want the label if they could have it honestly that we've got to get them on the pod but it's more just the societal pressure do you not think that there's a societal pressure to have a label now? No. I think there's less. Do you think? Yeah, because think about how many people that they don't have a label now. Whereas I feel like with our parents, they would have had a label straight away.

You're seeing someone, you go on three, four dates, they're your boyfriend. You know? Whereas I feel like that isn't like that anymore. I know so many girls that are like perfect girls today that don't have boyfriends and they see guys for ages and ages do you think women need labels more than men i think men need them too i think they just don't want to admit it what do you think 100 men are such little pussies when it comes to that. They want the whole cake thing. It's like my ex said previously, men just want to be free.

Free to do what? Okay, yeah, I get like when you're young, you want to go out and meet people, whatever. But if you have a really good relationship, really good time with somebody, why are you always looking for something else? They want to be free to be able to go to glasto and for me to be okay with it every year okay well he can go to glasto and you can still be in a relationship if he's loyal yeah apparently that's where the lines get blurred why do you think everyone's so obsessed with like having a label now so say you start dating somebody tomorrow you're seeing them

would you is that what you would be thinking is the next step naturally yes because if i hit hit it off with them instantly and i can kind of see in the immediate short term that oh my gosh i think i might be seeing him quite regularly this month naturally i would think to myself is this gonna go somewhere will we need to have a conversation about what are we where's this going what do you want you know it's it always plays in the back of your mind i think when you're dating like do you think men actually think that or do you think they just think like do you think they think no men don't think but i just think they go with the flow you know and then if they really like somebody they'll be like boy you want to be my girlfriend they're like yeah i've been thinking

about this the last seven months do you think i mean that is probably my experience oh you know what I mean I didn't become boyfriend girlfriend for like six months so walk us through that walk us through the history of all the labels that you and your current partner's gone through so basically we met and we saw each other a lot but then he ended up moving away from London and then we were just seeing each other all the time and hanging out. And then six months went by and I was traveling up to go see him. We were trying to see each other all the time. We were seeing each other loads and loads. And in my head, I remember thinking like, what are we doing and am i gonna keep investing so much time if we're not gonna

be something and also because i hadn't had a boyfriend before i remember having the feeling of like oh my god like maybe it's just gonna be another fail oh you know what i mean like and i knew it was different because i actually really liked him so i was like i feel like a label you're not too fussed you know you just like like them but you're not like really like them then it's okay whereas like this one i was like if it fails i'm gonna feel bad like the breakup which isn't a real breakup but if we had a breakup then i would be crushed you know because it was like you almost had it, but you didn't. That's hard. What would the breakup diet be for that situation?

That, honestly, I think would be more of a breakup crying and breakup self-critical moment than even if you just get dumped. Yeah. I think that would hurt me more because you don't have it. And you feel like you can't articulate how sad you are about it. Yeah, because also you feel like it's not worthy. Yeah. It's not worth your time getting that sad because he didn't mean that much to you because it's not a real boyfriend.

Did you ever go through the exclusive label with him? No, no, no, no, no, no. But to be honest, I kind of felt like maybe he didn't feel like this. But I felt like from the moment we met, honest i kind of felt like maybe he didn't feel like this but i felt like from the moment we met we were kind of boyfriend girlfriend because of the way that i was being treated and like how much we were seeing each other but then not having the label did confuse me and make me upset and like i know he probably doesn't know this but like when i would go back say from seeing him i would be thinking like why and sometimes cry that is hard because you're

like obviously traveling a lot and you're just thinking is all of this worth it yeah and then you're like imagine you just find somebody else or is like see ya and you've spent all that time and then you don't know and i didn't want to bring it up it's awkward it's awkward to be like say what are we now i don't know why i'm doing so many weird voices but what are we like you know also to have to ask somebody like am i your girlfriend do you see me as this is so awkward have you spoken to him about it in terms of his perspective as a man and his journey with the labels in your relationship it actually came off at a at the pub the other week i said we didn't start dating until like six months everyone's

like that's such a red flag i was like thinking yeah it is if i heard that i would think so too but we're still together yeah for sure so has he did the lack of label in those six months confused him too i don't think it did but i might i have to ask him maybe i'll ask him on the plot yeah he's not talking about any of his ex breakups hell no you went on a trip and i'm taking you down memory lane oh my god oh no you went down you went on a trip to somebody's home. And you didn't know where you stood. But how did you leave? That's the thing.

After spending five days together so intimately, and just five days together, you would think it would lead up to a conversation, but it didn't. But I thought he just introduced you to his whole family as your girlfriend wait are you talking about manchester or miami manchester sorry so we're getting confused on which one i'm talking about manchester whoa that manchester trip last year where i just met his family in one hit was that confusing not having a label with this guy before you went on the trip and then meeting someone's whole family like what do you say hi i really like to sleep with your son here's some wine it's confusing because i just straight out of the divorce

i'm here wondering oh is this the norm now do we just meet people's parents without the label i honestly i blame it on my divorce blame it on being out of the market for so long i just it did confuse me but it didn't give me the courage to ask him what we were so did you just kind of assume oh because i'm meeting the family we must be something or were you like let's go for me it was you know what i love a challenge single for the first time in six years let's see what this is about so emma what are you doing in our family house why are you here what are you doing with my son? Is he just an item to you? What do you do if they ask you that? I'd say he's a discounted item from Ann Summers, yes.

Just kidding. He was left on the shelf and I thought, I have to pick him up. Not even on the shelf, he was in the two-pound bin. Really like him. Why do you like him? I can't wait to be a parent. I'm going to so, I'm going i'm gonna be like the shit out of the man if they did i'd be like what are you doing here what's your intention yeah do you think

that's the correct way to treat my daughter why did you break up with your last girlfriend i don't know how to be faithful all right you know what i don't know why you're in my house literally push about anyway so i'm asking you the question yeah no seriously i think i would still not say a label i would just say look i really like your song he's a lovely guy and we're hanging out and i just went through a traumatic event i just went through a divorce be kind i'm not ready so you can say that now but soon you're not gonna be able to say that dude i can't say it now it's been two years it's too long no two years you could still probably get away with saying it do you think okay perfect i might still use that and say look the reason i'm

single is i've just gone through a lot but i don't know if i would be telling your new parents that you're divorced oh that's crazy because my ex was literally like oh mom and dad she's divorced and i think i'm her rebound what yeah and i'm just sat there like is that some sort of social experiment? Sorry, but what the hell? I just get thrown in them. I don't know how. That is weird. Well, I haven't been thrown into any recent social experiments.

We had another story that I didn't even realize was a label. You didn't make the label. Which one? Miami. Whoa, Miami. Miami. So, babe, you weren't even in the labels you tried but didn't get there sorry that's a bit harsh but didn't get there i just didn't know what to do i didn't know what the expectation was it's all good if you don't have a label and you go and you spend time with somebody because you don't know should i use your washing machine or is that a bit weird but i need to wash my underwear no genuinely i

did tiptoe around the washing machine thing seriously i don't know why that felt way more intimate than other stuff and just like passing him like my dirty underwear like did you do that yes you didn't wash them in like the sink or something? Ew! Well, if I was staying with a guy, sorry. What sink? There's the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink. I'm not washing like. The bathroom sink? Sorry, but like if you were seeing a guy for five days that you weren't anything with,

there's no way I'm getting my underwear and being like, here's my crusty underwear. Go put it in your washing machine. That's disgusting. I'd be secretly doing it in the sink and then like, I don't know, hanging it up on the towel rack. But then he'd be like, why are there wet undies in my bathroom? Okay. Or you just need to buy more underwear and then just, you know,

put your dirty ones somewhere else and then put your clean just clean underwear loads of it so much i know i know but why didn't you do that i would never that is you're trying to make him your trauma it's like when you trauma bond somebody trauma bonding him into being your boyfriend by giving him your crusty underwear like this random girl from london flew into my city passing me a dirty underwear only for five days and i just fuck off haven't spoken since that's why that's the real reason he's like girl you need to sort your shit out like the ph balance in there girl what's happening i know i know but i've been like kind of sheltered since no one's seen my crusty musties

in a while so if it was like you and i if i was was at your... If we started dating? No. What are we? No, as in like saying... We're in a partnership, so... No, we are actually in a business partnership. Contract. No, say at like Saint-Tropez, if I was to say at yours again, and I needed the washing machine,

surely I'd be like, hey. Yeah, hey. machine surely i'd be like hey yeah hey would you not grab them off me and put into the washing machine it's a polite thing to do i wouldn't grab them off of you if i saw your crusty musties i would just let you put them in i'd be like thanks um i'll show you the washing machine and let you do your bits sort yourself out fair so i think just reading boundaries yeah should have added a label there what to do when girl comes with that label do i give him my undies do i not with um, okay, so you never entered a label with this guy. Do you now, did you now find it easier to just like get over him and let him go and, you know, have a breakup as such because he wasn't, you know, an official label?

No, if anything, it just made me think about him way more. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm laughing at. It's because you're still... I just enlightened you to the situation that the reason he didn't want you as a label was because you gave him your dirty underwear. That's why. It's just one of the phases of the breakup diet.

It's called acceptance. Genuinely. No, but I think because there was no label, I just thought about him way more and i would think about oh like what could i've done for us to like yeah how am i gonna get back in there i think with a breakup it's actually easier if you do have a label it's not easier like it's obviously still really hard but it's easier to wrap your head around okay it's done this was something it's done whereas like if you don't you feel like it's not something so you shouldn't be sad about it but then you feel more like hurt you just think about it so often like i would not i think

genuinely the first two months of coming back he was like on my mind living rant free i've gotten better now because i literally have to get a lobotomy to get him on my mind living rank free i've gotten better now because i literally have to get a lobotomy to get him off my mind even two years ago i had this another five day summer fling what is it with me in five days maybe you need to like make it less days or make it more days so you know genuinely so i had like another five day summer fling he was on my mind for like six months it was so strange and I tell my best friend because I met him through my best friend like look like I think I'm in love with this fella and my best friend's like you're not you're just single for the first time in ages you romanticize it also because if you're going away or you're

seeing someone and you're traveling you're like out of your territory so then you know you romanticize like the movie it's like the holiday yeah so like that summer fling i was the one hosting all my friends and i met him through there and he'd end up staying at ours and because he was in my world it made me romanticize him more because oh i can see how he fits into, you know, my world. Yeah, and also you were doing more fun things. So then you were like, oh my God, this is so great. La la la. When reality.

Showing him the magic of London and you're just in that high. And then when it's gone, you just, you want that. And you fantasize that. So do you think the breakup of that was you were breaking up with the idea of him and it could have actually been, in theory, anybody. It's just that he was the person that came in at that time. He was the lucky man, right place, right time.

And there was no exchange of crusty underwear. Well done, Ilma. Wow, the standards for me right now. You're keeping it real. Do you think it is a red flag if your partner doesn't want to define a relationship? Yeah, I'd be like, are you blind? Duh. Like, I can get 10 of you right now.

What if he's like, all right, go do it then. Well, I'm gone. I'm sprinting out What if he's like, all right, go do it then. Well, I'm gone. I'm sprinting out. Then you're like, please call me. Then I'd be like, wait, why did he just accept his defeat so quickly like that? Did he not like me enough? For what? He calls you up and he's actually like, imagine you hear from him again.

Ilma, you forgot something. What did he forget, Yaz? What? Stop. What did you forget, Yas? What? You really... Stop! I can't stop laughing. I'm gonna cry. I'm crying.

You're crying. Okay. No, let me answer your question. I can't. Let me walk especially for a long time does not want to put in a label because to me it just makes me think okay you want access to my body you want access to everyone else's body that's how i'm gonna see it bluntly but yeah so you would say that my boyfriend is a red flag your boyfriend's a red flag yeah because we took six months it's quite a long time no no it's not

that it's say you were to have that conversation in that six months and he said no it's still six months think about that time frame you probably would think he was if that never came up yeah no i think i would get a bit like you haven't had the conversation would you then be i don't know looking elsewhere oh the apps never get deleted on me apps will never get deleted riot is kind of like a game too it's kind of fun you go like click click yes click click yes no yes no it's kind of fun you know it becomes a habit one of my most frequent apps that come up you know where the suri is i like remember i was driving somewhere and he goes on my phone and goes type in something dating app right at the top awkward did he say anything

of course stop what did he say well he's obviously like why the hell is raya one of your frequent apps and i'm like haha that's not what that means raya's like a food app babe it's like another delivery we met on raya he knows it's not a food delivery app you know to be honest though it wasn't even like i was never talking to somebody else or anything like that for the moment i met him but still awkward conversation oh you handled it well. Yeah, then I deleted the app. So you're not on it? Well, obviously not now. Oh, sorry, my bad.

This is like at the beginning. Yeah, my bad. You know, this was before we even had a label, maybe like a month in. Oh, fair. You know, because you don't know where you stand. So like I wasn't deleting it because even though I really liked him, everything,

I was like, well, what? No, fair. I completely respect that that give me the breakup diet for this situation shit personally for me i think i would cry the first three days because it is awkward but you're feeling sad it's okay to just let out that emotion after then it's just oh who the fuck am i and who is he that is the key ingredient for the breakup diet confidence the dues i have for the breakup diet so do the breakup diet for the situation shit would be do cry do talk about it with your friends but maybe not so much because they might be like yeah but why do you care do tell your parents or your mom whatever because they can listen to you a lot of my culture babes do get back out there straight out find another situation situationship get fucked over again do do go to the gym get a body glow up you know do post a

thirst trap it's petty but might make you feel good get some other people in there do self-care and do not drink the first week. Oh, that's mad.