The Break-Up Diet - Love Bombing Detox with Yaz and Ilmz

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Can you imagine being swept off your feet by someone who seems perfect, only to realize their affection is just a mask for manipulation? We unravel the allure of love bombing and the murky waters of situationships, sharing personal tales that reveal the anxiety and uncertainty often lurking beneath. You'll learn to spot the signs of these toxic patterns and gain insights into maintaining your priorities and self-worth amidst romantic entanglements.Struggling with anxious attachment or dealing with a partner who keeps you at arm's length? We explore the enigma of attachment styles—anxious, secure, and avoidant—and how they shape our relationships and emotional responses. Our candid conversations shine a light on the journey from seeking male validation to embracing therapy and personal growth. By understanding these dynamics, we empower you to cultivate healthier relationships and a more secure sense of self.Ever felt drained by a relationship, losing your sense of identity and well-being? Our final discussion focuses on recognizing and escaping toxic relationships. With real-life experiences, we highlight the importance of intuition, recognizing red flags, and maintaining autonomy. We also dive into the transformative power of breakups, likening them to a detox that can lead to personal growth and empowerment. Whether you're navigating friendships or romantic connections, our stories and insights aim to help you prioritize your emotional health and self-care.Send us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

What's going on? How have you been? Good. How's your last week been? Just like really sporadic. Like I'd be hibernating one day, the next minute I'm booking flights. You see someone that I'd never know. Tell us more. How much can I say? Cause what if he sees this? Say it. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta be.

What if he's husband number two? Well, then he'll love this. That is true. Because we want a supportive man that not put you down ever and take you to the next level you know so he should be like wow honey go get that yeah that is true we want the next one to not be like toxic yeah exactly go on go on he's this really like sexy guy from bleep okay basically she's gone on a date with this really sexy man called buckle up bitches it's gonna get bumpy this is the breakup diet

you're somebody that falls hard and fast oh my god we're not putting that in we are not putting that in because if he sees like he's gonna he's gonna run no we're putting it in speaking of falling hard and fast i had a discussion with my therapist this morning so there's like three types of um attachment okay in relationships right so there's tell me so anxious attachment is basically where you're like super clingy you care so much about what they're doing, what they're thinking, whether they've, you know, replied to your texts, whether they've seen it, like you're on your phone, constantly checking what they're up to.

Basically like insecure, crazy, intense. And then you have to know everything kind of like basically very possessive, very overwhelming. Secure is what I would love to be, which is, you know, you're super calm. You don't, I mean, you obviously care about the person, but you don't let them kind of define your entire existence. And avoidant is when you're anything that has got to do with intimacy, you just run. And my therapist has diagnosed me with anxious attachment everyone's always one or what you can be mixed with two but that would be like really annoying you'd rather be the one what about if you're a little bit of all three so that's secure so that's when you're like you're comfortable

you're not you know it doesn't take over your life i mean i feel what are you i i don't know are you anxious how did you just look at me and say that how do you know i just i'm looking for a sister i was anxious again tell me anxious is like super insecure very possessive it just takes over your life you're always on your phone checking to see where they are no not where they are but like the senior message where they replied the last replied you were before so it does get better no no no i mean like but when you first start dating someone i think you want to know if they've seen your message or not because you want to know if you're being pied no or ghosted that's a form of anxiety i did say that to my therapist okay well maybe i'm anxious attachment wow sisters we're in it together thank god because everyone around me are either

secure or avoidant secure would be a boss thing to have but like who is really secure they're secure until they're not secure I'll tell you that much do you think the most secure person would crumble in toxic relationships I think it'd be hard not to even if you're secure yeah i feel like it'd be hard not to because there's so many different toxic things that could happen to you out of the vast many of them one of them would affect you that's true because no one has like no weak point whether you're being verbally abused you're being manipulated put down or you're made to feel like you're walking on eggshells yeah on that you can't tell them anything the feeling of not feeling good enough i reckon that would get you were you ever secure and then

pushed to not being secure i think i've always been unsecure what about you it's weird because I'd be insecure then like I'd get validation from a man and then I'd become secure ick and then they'd take it away from me and I'd get insecure again like that's crazy why is myself like esteem and confidence rooted in male validation no that's so bad it's so bad that's so bad but it's so true so many people are like that i probably like that too i just haven't realized yet it's such an ick and i know it but i'm not doing anything with that information i'm so simpy with men no but you're you're going to therapy you just said therapy so you're already you're working on yourself yeah most people aren't most people everybody should go to it so

yeah everyone should go to therapy if you're like if you need to live off male validation it does get addictive it's like heroin not that i've done it but it's like the rush of male validation yes and then when it goes away because like that's what toxic relationship is. Like in my previous relationship, it was like intense love bombing, but it made sense because I'm like, oh, no, of course he'd be in love with me. I'm like, X, Y, Z, of course. And then. Like, duh, obviously he'd be in love with me.

Exactly, exactly. Was he hot? No, that was a no. You took too long to answer. You're like, he has a really good personality he had a good personality yeah that's what everybody says when they're not hot or um he's my type calling me out yeah calling me out yeah so intense love bombing for the first couple of months and then it just went away and i mean when i went away it just went away. And I mean, when it went away, it just went away.

And it just made me feel like I was having the worst come down of my life. Not that I know what it's like, because I'm a drug-free person. But I don't know what that's like. And but I don't know what that's like either. Never done it. Okay. The validation, the just the lovey-dovey euphoric feeling just completely went away and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me what did I do to trigger him to

like not act like the way he used to when we first fell in love why is it not like the way it was when we were first together like what happened where's the romance where's the spark gone like what what can I do what are some things of like love bombing because i don't think i've ever actually been proper love have you not always get love bombed every single like dating situation i've been in i always get love bombed giving you loads of gifts and stuff or is it more like it can be more subtle things it's more like words and not action i would love to accept gifts as a form of love bombing but unfortunately you're like that love bombing we like i want that i want that yes yes please should not be nice oh my god of course with the way the prices are going

love bombing is just words and it just makes you keep yearning for it so you they promise you to you know you don't have to live by yourself like i can help with rent never do it wait but did you ever follow up on it like i mean it's a bit awkward to be like oh you know how you said you'd help with rent like transfer me but how i have never followed up when it comes to money when like men no it's awkward how far into the relationship would this happen? Second date. Oh no, Ilma, come on, you're stupid. No, no.

Like you can't be like thinking that somebody's going to pay your rent. Maybe not like just that. There's stuff like, you know, I see myself with you. You're like a forever person to me. All of this on second date. I can see myself being exclusive with you. Like I'm deleting all my dating apps all of this by the second date no you're delulu why did you believe it because i

look like the way i do it makes sense it makes sense be in love with me because i think people also fall for love bonding is the chemistry you have this amazing chemistry the first couple of dates you end up spending hours not like two three four hours i'm talking like 10 days 24 hours i kid you not all my first dates have never not been less than 10 hours maybe you're a better time than me because I definitely don't last that long mine are like a solid first date is probably like it depends if it's just dinner though but like if it's dinner well I'm obviously not a good time mine mine mine are only like maybe like four hours which i feel like is a lot that is but then what the hell do you talk about after like that with somebody new you just keep talking and talking and then like you know they give you all this validation and i'm just like oh my god like

i don't want to let you go and it's like the same thing for him it's like two like i don't know spiders like weaving a web together so you're basically you're telling me for 24 hours you just you sit there and you just hear ilva you are amazing ilva you are hot ilva you are so smart and you're like yummy yum yum yes i'm not the only one because it's a term there's a term it's called love bombing therefore i'm not the only one if there's a term for it i'm not the only one that happens to you're a lucky like survivor i envy you you're not a love bombing victim maybe i just don't get love bombs it's even worse no that's a good thing no they're like uh you're not amazing because you probably meet like super secure guys that don't feel the need to say X, Y, Z to like wrap you in. I see your point.

Oh, I am so jealous. Listen, if it's love bombing like that, I don't want it. If it's a love bombing like some gifts. We want it. We want it. So have you been through anything toxic ever? Like in your dating life so it was never because it was never with a proper relationship or anything it was always situationships oh situation in itself is the most toxic thing ever can we ban it please also because

i feel like you don't know where you stand really and you can be the cool girl that's fine with it and like going with the flow disrupt the flow no I act like I'm like oh cool with it going with the flow we're just seeing how it's going but secretly I'm like where is this going you know anxious attachment oh sorry anxious attachment so I'm like secretly where is this going like do you like me do you like me enough do you want see me as a girlfriend or do you not and if you don't why you know that is such a mind flip yeah so I think like in those times I probably did go through toxic things but it would be more would you say you're walking on eggshells yeah walking on eggshells not feeling like good enough to be in a relationship with you feel like

comfortable and vocalizing how you felt and what you wanted out of no no no no absolutely not when you're in a situationship you are because you are walking on eggshells a bit like you don't want to say the wrong thing that they don't like you because you don't know you don't know now if they like you or not really so then you don't want to say something that would disrupt that what about you have you had anything to talk to i've a hundred percent done stuff like that where i just accommodate that person's needs have my entire day schedule disrupted for a guy yeah yeah it's like the worst thing i've done like when I missed out on castings just because you know he couldn't meet me at x time but he couldn't meet me in the other time when my casting is so I'd miss out on my casting I feel like most people do that though

like at the start especially which is so bad and you shouldn't you should be your own priority you should put yourself first but then saying that like also I think at the start like it's okay to miss one thing of yours that you want to if you really can't but then it just becomes like the start of a very unhealthy cycle because yeah and that you're always doing everything and they're not compromising yeah because obviously you think to yourself oh it's just a one-time thing like I'm only just getting to know him like I'm having so much fun it's hard but then it just becomes more and more like oh I need to make sure I give him my time so he like wants to spend time with me you know yeah I get what you're saying I feel like it's okay

if I'm going back to it being okay you're like no no no I'm like oh but but they the next time do one thing so that you can go to your thing sometimes he does something for you sometimes you do something for him do you think people would want to compromise in like such early days apart from the woman well I feel like it depends on the timing. Like everything depends on timing. If a man wants to do it, he'll do it. If he doesn't, he won't. I stand by that. A lot of men are looking for love in this generation. Yaz, where are they?

Where are they? You just got to find a good one. I found a good one. So you got to find a good one. Okay, Yaz. That is so helpful. No, no, no. It took time.

I didn't find a good one until I was 23. Not one good one. Not one. 23 years. Nothing. I am pushing 30 and I still haven't found a good one. Yeah, but you thought you found a good one. That's the love bombing.

It gets you. It lands you into your first marriage. No, but now you have exciting times ahead i'm seeing your mystery man oh how do we not circle back to him i'm so like i want to hear the tea i'm excited like trying to be cool and mysterious for this guy oh my god here i am trying to accommodate for this guy that i've only met once here I am compromising myself being like oh let me just be mysterious and cool like let me not talk about him let's not no it's not a thing you're jeopardizing yourself right now you're hurting yourself you're not hurting

anybody else you're not hurting him that's true because if I don't think he would care I don't know who it is I've never met him. I can't help you on this. If you'll ever meet him after this comes out. Nah, this will come out way later. When the love bombing phase is over, that's when it comes out. Yeah, you're like, surprise, bitch. How'd you guys meet? Good old Raya.

Fair. I feel like I've only dated just from Raya. Any other app? Not to be like... Diva? Diva or just being a bias against ugly people. But when I see a stream of ugly men on Hinge, it just angers me.

I thought that's your type. Oh, yes! No, Ilva, you're the one who said to me that you are like an ugly man yourself. So that's why you always go for ugly men. Oh my God, this is killing me. You told me that. You told me that.

Okay, I know I said it, but. You're taking it back. No, no, no. No, no. I'll embrace what I said because yes, I do feel like I can be an ugly man sometimes where I just go for any like thing ugly or not available. With a pulse, basically. Oh, my God.

I'm terrible. I'm getting better. No, this is terrible marketing. We can't. We can't. Ilma, to be fair, your new man is hot. I can say it because I don't know him, but I've seen photos. She shows me lots of photos.

Because it's like the biggest flex I have right now. I'm like, oh, guys, like finally someone like kind of good looking. And everyone agrees. The validation I'm getting from like the gang, amazing. And has he given you any red flags or thing that you can pull on that might seem a little toxic or nothing yet? Well, we're going to find out. Four days together, I'm sure the flags will just...

Yeah, fair. Then you'll update us on the next episode. And I have a question for you to do with like the whole toxic relationship. How do you really know that this is not what I want? This is toxic. I have to leave. It's not like a decision you make overnight, especially with like long-term relationships. It not like a decision you make overnight especially with like

long-term relationships it's not a decision you make just overnight it took me I think about like six months of just really bad mental health to the point it was affecting me physically and that's when I realized oh like I can't with a mental health like, can you explain that a bit more? I basically felt depressed from abuse, from just neglect, to the point it affected me physically. I had such chronic fatigue to the point where I couldn't get up, I couldn't look after myself, I couldn't do basic tasks like my laundry or the dishes, and there came a point where I honestly couldn't recognize who I was in the mirror. Like that person was not me.

And it scared me. One day you didn't feel good and then you slowly got worse and worse and worse. It spirals and you lose yourself so quickly. And it's toxic. What did you find the scariest part of actually making the choice to walk away? Communicating my feelings has always been tough thing for me so to do that oh my god you look like you're gonna cry sorry sorry okay it's okay it's tough opening up yeah and I think we live in such a society where it's hard for you to vocalize what you want because it's either like oh I'm asking for too much am I the problem yeah there's a lot of blame game especially when you're

in something toxic yeah you feel a lot of blame and shame it's an ongoing cycle and guilt for feeling that way too and especially with everybody else that looks like they have such a good relationship yeah and you're just like oh my god like have i failed like was i not loving enough was i not caring enough did you feel respected in this relationship or in your last one when a relationship gets toxic there's absolutely no element of respect from both parties yeah i feel like you also lose respect yourself for your partner too, so much. Yeah, you lose respect for yourself, for your partner, both ways. So what are two major questions you'd ask yourself if this is the toxic one and you should leave?

Is there anything that pops to your head? Spot immediate red flags and actually run because it's not worth it. And intuition. I'd add intuition because your gut will tell you on that. But I feel like once you've gone through that one really bad relationship I would hope for others because it has happened to me if you see an inkling of a toxic trait from your past relationships with a current partner you will run but also I have to kind of contradict that a little bit like it depends on what it is

it's either I think like one way or the other where you either mimic the cycle over and over again or you literally run away. I think you have to remember that people do make mistakes too. I would just be scared that you would self-sabotage. You know what I mean? That's so true.

Where's the fine line between like looking after yourself and self-sabotage? Do you find now that you go into things self-sabotaging yeah i go in things with a lot of cautious caution i mean yeah caution yeah i go into like new relationships with a lot of caution which is why like i'm struggling to talk about anyone with you yeah yeah you know if i'm doing too much, be a lot. Yeah, I get you. This thing is like, it's not a forever thing. Like, let's just not make it a thing. But right there, you're saying that it's maybe not a forever thing.

Let's not make it a thing. That is self-sabotaging it already. Sorry. It's not a forever thing, though. You know, you just know. No, I don't know. You're going to wait and see. Don't already put bad energy around stuff.

No, no, that's true. That is true. I take that back. I take that back. Like, that is you doubting yourself. Oh, that's terrible. Okay, no, I shouldn't do that. No, no, no. And if you went into a relationship now and they were trying to tell you what to wear

or trying to make little things. Run, run, run. I don't have time. I do not have time. What if you really like them? Oh, that will not make me like them. Yeah, I get you. I'm the same, but.

It's like something like that will make me run. Any element of control, I am out. But what about if they do it in a way of manipulation so you don't even realize? See, that is hard because that I wouldn't even notice yeah literally that's how they get you it's like love bombing 2.0 it's like the sister the evil sister three red flags of mine would be if they talk bad to the waiter yeah disgusting disgusting if they talk bad to the waiter. Yeah, disgusting. Disgusting. If they talk bad about their ex-girlfriends, like, you know, there's a level. Like, she's annoying, she's crazy. Okay, maybe fine. But if they're, like, in detail about their relationship and, like, are saying bad things about it, then that's a red flag.

But then also, I don't want them to be like super like low-key in love yeah you know so number three is to like love on me I guess what you're saying like as in take me somewhere really expensive and then take me somewhere after or something yeah not that that's happened to me but that would be a red flag yeah absolutely or like when you go out and they just like know everybody out i find that a red flag oh that's like community dick right there yeah community dick yeah are we allowed to say that i love that that's what it's given yeah no one wants a community dick oh my top three red flags on the first date i think it's such an ick and also concerning when they talk about their wealth because that to me means like you're broke because if you were

actually rich you wouldn't feel the need to talk about it if your money's shouting boy i'm out because i know you're going to be asking me to split the bill at some point. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So would you split the bill? On the first date, probably not. Yeah, no. Not on the first date. But then again, like, I have on the first date when I, like, actually really like the person.

Don't. No boys listen to this because that's not what the ideal woman wants. This is me, like, flipping simp. No girl wants this. Don't listen to it. Next, next, next next next one red flag you don't have any red flags because you're like oh let's go i see red and i'm like oh love would it be a red flag for you if your partner still was on the dating app so they can check in and look depends on how long we've been together and if i've deleted it so she's still in the game then i

don't really care what he does as long as i don't know about it there's nothing worse than being cheated on and everyone knows about it have you ever had that happen oh yeah it's so embarrassing it's so embarrassing i found out by looking at his phone because text kept on being blown up by this girl wait wait wait slow down Tell me how you found out. So you're sat on the couch or I need, I need details. So basically we were asleep and he had his ringer on really loud, his sound on really loud because he wanted to make sure he doesn't miss his alarm first flight.

You use Face ID. That's iconic. You're like, have good dreams yeah and i see like texts from this girl being like stop making promises you can't keep but i'm like i beg your pardon grow up and scroll up shut up he'd be like oh like you were such a great kisser that night yeah yeah shut up yeah feral completely feral so then what did you do this is so scandalous i woke him up being like wtf is this yeah i went ballistic did you find out about any others or was this the only one you knew your friends knew about it who knew about it

my friends knew of the person but they never knew about you know oh friends knew of the person, but they never knew about, you know. Oh, so they knew the girl, but they didn't know. Yeah, so, like, when I told them, they were like, what? Word kind of spreads because the girl would talk about, like, you know, her time with my boyfriend and. Did she know about you? No. End up speaking to her or anything? She actually did. Yeah? yeah what happened are you friends

no no okay okay didn't go that level but no no and then like she sent me like screenshots like of their chat and stuff that she worked for a women's charity and he'd be like oh my god that's so noble like the men are really trash all while he's cheating on them. That's so disgusting. Yeah. Ew. Ew. He's saying that men are trash while being the trashiest man there is. Sorry, but he's kind of smart. No one would expect that. I hate him.

I don't get you. He's so bad, scumbag, but he's kind of smart. That's how they get you. Being like, oh, you're so noble so noble like there's such a feminist all this and then bang i would do that i hope my daughters like you then bang yes like i want to like raise my sons to be feminist that was on the chat as well ew that's so icky and then what happened you just like in the middle of the night you woke up, was like, get out or what?

We still stuck it out for like two weeks. It was my first relationship. I was very determined to like, you know, make it work because everyone around me was in a relationship. And, you know, I just didn't want to be the first one to be single till I quit it. You were scared to be single just because everybody else was in one? Yeah, 100%. It's scary being single when you're the only person in your friend group, really.

But once you did it, I bet you realized it's not that scary. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And now it's so fine now. I am comfortable with being single, which is such a, like, win for me. But back then, my God, the insecurity of, like, not having a boyfriend and feeling like I'm a failure because I don't have a boyfriend. Yeah. What is that about you know you know I kind of get that because we date people for like a long period of time and stuff I never fully had a boyfriend yeah it does play with your head

because then you're like why does everybody else but when I looked at it back then as well I thought I would never date any of my friends boyfriends anyway and you want to beat them up yeah not even because of like looks or anything. Not even going off that. Just by, like, the annoyance that I heard. Sorry, girls. I've never, like, I mean, I have heard good stories about my friends' boyfriends. Just define them by the bad stories.

I just want to jump on all of them. Yeah, I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. But then I'm not, like, the cool friend that's, like, friends with my, like, friend's boyfriend. I'm like, oh, you're saying. I get what you're saying. I'm not like the cool friend that's like friends with my like friend's boyfriend. I'm like, oh, you're my arch nemesis. I think I'm friendly, but I don't think I'm ever best friends with them. Hell no. But I'm definitely friendly.

I'll be polite for the sake of my friend, but that man's my arch nemesis. Sorry. No. If you're my best friend's boyfriend oh i hate you you were talking weird dynamic the wedding when they're like oh we get to marry our best friends like no you don't i'm here you're like bitch i'm the best friend that's right know your place it's me it was me first and it will always be me yeah would you not rather be single than to still be in this crap, toxic situation?

When you're in the situation, even though you think you might have some form of love, you're so stressed out, compromising yourself so much. You look like actual shit because you're so run down. And then when you have the breakup, you have this. So you have a detox and then you literally look like the baddest bitch of them all right and is that not the most motivating thing ever now i don't know why i'm giving this analogy but okay so this is the breakup diet toolkit right i wish i could not have the breakup because i have a very nice boyfriend now but just take all the tools from in it so that i have that massive glow up

you feel your best you know yeah for a feeling of getting your shit together to get that detox yeah that cleanse yeah that's part of the diet i totally get you i wish you could have that almost reset without actually having to have that traumatic breakup. Why do we need to go through all this toxicity to have this amazing glow up? Literally. On the plus side. It does get better. It does get better. And then you can be single out on the streets going to

with Savoy. And I'm just living through it. I'm living through it. Thanks, guys.