The Break-Up Diet - Najwa Zebian: The Person Who Broke You CAN’T Heal You.

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

If you’re still waiting for an apology, closure, or one last conversation with the person who hurt you... you NEED to hear this one. ❤️‍🩹This week I’m joined by bestselling author Najwa Zebian, and honestly, this conversation completely changed the way I think about healing after someone breaks your heart.We talk about why we stay in relationships we know aren’t right for us, the difference between a rough patch and an actual deal breaker, and why we can become so obsessed with trying to “fix” something that is only hurting us more. Najwa also explains why leaving can feel SO scary, even when deep down you know it’s what you need to do.And obviously, we had to talk about closure. Why do we convince ourselves we need one last conversation? Why do we want them to finally understand how badly they hurt us? And would getting the apology we’ve been waiting for actually make us feel any better? Because sometimes the closure you’re desperately trying to get from them is something you have to give yourself.We also get into toxic relationships, ignoring your intuition, giving someone one too many chances, the post-breakup “glow up”, and Najwa’s Never Again List — aka deciding what you will NEVER accept from someone again.This genuinely felt like one big therapy session and there were sooo many moments where I was thinking, okay... I needed to hear that.If you’re struggling to let someone go, still waiting for them to give you the closure you deserve, or wondering why you keep going back to someone who has already shown you who they are... this episode is for you.Because the one who broke you can’t be the person you rely on to heal you. 🤍And make sure you check out Najwa’s new book, The One Who Broke You Can’t Heal You, out August 25th. If you’re going through heartbreak or trying to heal from someone who hurt you, this book is basically made for you. ❤️‍🩹Pre-order / learn more about Najwa’s book here:The One Who Broke You Can’t Heal You — Najwa Zebian Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of the Breakup Diet. Today, I'm joined by Najra Zevian, who is a best-selling author and a speaker, educator, and has helped millions of people through her work navigating things like healing and self-worth and relationships. So, welcome to the Breakup Diet. Buckle up, bitches. It's going to get bumpy. This is the Breakup Diet.

Thank you so much for having me on the Weeks. to have this conversation. I went back and looked at loads of your books that you've written, and they seem so up the break of diets alley. Yes, they are actually. And you actually have a new book coming out very soon in August, right? Yes, I have. The one who broke you can't heal you coming out August 25th. And I just feel like any person who's either a big fan of my work or isn't, you know, familiar with it at all who's going through any kind of heartbreak where they're looking for closure, they're feeling like they've been so mistreated and didn't get the validation or the acknowledgement that what they went through was that bad. I feel like that book will be so perfect

for them. Oh my God, amazing. I'm so excited to hear more about it. But before we go into deep diving into your book, I want to ask you who you are and how you got to where you are today. I guess I've always been a person in search of home, in search of that feeling of I can just be myself and be loved for who I am and be made to feel like I'm a priority, like I'm considered, like I'm important. I remember feeling at a very young age, like I was always out of place wherever I went. I just always felt like that love every human wants was so out of reach. I could see other people get it. Why not me? Like, why can't I have that? What's wrong with me? And so I started writing. I found a way to express myself and my pains and my wants and my desires and life by putting my feelings down on paper. And then once I started putting my writings out there and once I saw the number of people, millions of people all over the world are like, I feel exactly the same way you're feeling. That was a sign for me that this is what I'm meant to be doing because it felt like my personal purpose aligned with my universal purpose.

And I've never looked back since writing has been my way of never. navigating my own life and helping so many people out there navigate theirs. So for you personally with your like healing journey, that's been your outlet, the writing. Yes. Because what happens when you keep it all in, you are the one who's invalidating your own feelings. And I'm not saying it in a way to shame anybody. We've all done it. We all do it on certain days.

I still some days find myself scrolling through my phone trying to numb the pain where what I really need to do is instead of ignoring what's going on internally is to face it by naming it, by giving it some form of platform to be expressed in some way. There's one thing I say in the one who broke you can't heal you that when I came to that realization, my whole life changed and it's this. You can't heal the parts of you that already feel. neglected by neglecting them more. Let's say you just went through a breakup and you're feeling extremely ashamed of who you are as a person. Like maybe if I was a little bit less sensitive, maybe if I didn't address this issue or that issue, maybe if I gave them a little bit more

freedom, maybe if I was a little bit more secure. So you start blaming your beautiful qualities, like sensitivity, like loyalty, like commitment, like caring for another person, you start blaming those things for you ending up in pain. The answer isn't to further neglect the parts of you that were neglected in that relationship. The answer is to tend to those parts and to listen to what they have to say. For example, the part of you that's sensitive or the part of you that spoke up every time. an issue came up and you say, why did you feel the need to speak up every single time that an issue happened? Like, maybe we would have still been in that relationship if we just stayed quiet. And that heart of you might say something like, I just felt like you were being treated so

unfairly and I had to say something. So then you start learning that the parts of you that you blame for the ending of a relationship or for the breakdown of a friendship or a family relationship. Instead of blaming that part for the breakdown, you say, actually, thank you for helping me remove from my life, someone who doesn't treat me right. Everything that you just said, like, totally makes sense. But taking your own advice, like when I, I know for myself, like, whenever I've been in a breakup, although I can sit there and be like, Yes, I don't feel like I did something like necessarily I'm the only problem in this, you know, situation. When you're in that zone and the waves of it, it's so hard to not be so self-critical and so, like, harsh on yourself.

Yes. It's hard when you're right in it to see the bigger picture. The very vulgar analogy I give, it's when you have a pimple on your face and you're standing. really close to the mirror. That's all you can see. That's all you can focus on and you think that's what everybody else can see. It's this pimple. But if you were to back up and look at it from a distance, you'll realize it's just a pimple. When you're in a situation where you feel so overwhelmed with emotion, somebody that you're with is being really mean to you, being really cruel to you or maybe they're disrespecting you in a way in the way they show up for you in private

and around people and the way that they represent the relationship that you are in with them. When you're in the middle of it, you feel like there's no way out. You feel like I have to do something to fix this because you're more fixated on keeping the relationship intact. And the way I refer to this in the one who broke you can't heal you is you want to keep that bond. in place that you have with that person. And you think if I could just fix this issue that's at hand right now, then everything will be fine. When if you zoom out and you look at your situation as an outsider who is now very logical, very matter of fact, very able to see the difference between what a healthy and an unhealthy

the relationship looks like, then you'll be able to see, oh, it's not something that needs to be fixed. It's actually something that needs to be thrown away. There's one thing I wrote and the one who broke you can't heal you that really woke me up where I say, not everything needs to be fixed. Stop trying to fix the unfixable. Sometimes it's kind of like carrying a vase and that represents your relationship, your friendship. person you're bonded to in some way. You're carrying it so gently, you're treating it so well, you're maybe walking on eggshells to keep it balanced, and something major happens, and it falls out of your hands, and it shatters into pieces, and you think I need to fix this. Well, what's going to

happen when you try to fix shattered glass? You're going to cut your hands, you're going to bleed, You're going to have infections. You're going to have scars. You're going to suffer much longer trying to put something back together that literally cannot be put back together. And so sometimes the best thing to do is to get yourself to safety, get a room, sweep it up and throw it in the garbage and say that relationship, that friendship, this family connection, this job does not belong in my life anymore. because the price it cost me to keep it is not one I'm willing to pay anymore. So say you are in a toxic relationship, how do you actually distinguish when it's worth saving

and whether you should just walk away? I think a really important question to ask yourself is, is the foundation of this relationship a healthy one? For example, does this person accept you for who you are, or are they constantly criticizing the person that you are? Are they constantly criticizing your actions, your words, your ambitions, your part of you that's so full of life, are they constantly trying to break you down? Or do they fully accept you for who you are?

Do they pay attention to what makes you happy and to what makes you sad? Do they pay attention when they notice you're sitting at a table with a group of people and someone says something and all of a sudden your body language, changes. Maybe you are feeling very like open and you're bubbly and then all of a sudden your energies just shuts down. Are they attuned to you? Do they pay attention to the details about you? Because genuinely, what is the purpose of being in a relationship if it's not to have somebody to be your best friend? You have to ask yourself questions like, is this person transparent with me? People will say things like, you know, everybody's entitled to their own privacy and I agree to some extent.

But when you're in a relationship, for example, a romantic relationship, there is a line to be drawn between saying, you know, we're all entitled to our privacy. And is this privacy of yours turning into secrecy in a way that affects our relationship in a way that tells me that I'm not a priority in your life or that you're not a priority in your life? or that you're being disrespectful in some way. You have to ask yourself, is this person's life goal for themselves, their ambition, their purpose, where they want to be in 20 years, is it aligned with where I want to be in 20 years?

And people grow and things change, but there's a difference between, for example, saying, you know, my partner's vision for the next 20 years is to travel, all over the world and gain experiences and meet new people and just live life in that way. But if your vision for those next 20 years is, for example, to stay in one place, focus on your family, focus on your business, focus on your education, that's a huge misalignment.

And so going back to the example of looking at that small pimple zoomed in on your mirror, and then taking the step back. It's like saying all these issues we're having on a daily basis. Well, stop focusing on the issues and ask yourself, is this relationship based on a transparent, accepting, loving, respectful, aligned relationship? Because if it's not, then all the daily stuff doesn't mean anything. We focus on the little things because our,

ego gets trapped in and our ego wants to be right about something. And so you think, no, no, I'm not going to think about the bigger stuff. I can't afford to do that right now because if I do, I guarantee you a lot of people don't end a relationship because they're too afraid to end it. They don't think of the bigger questions because they know somewhere deep down, this relationship isn't right for me. And there's also one part in the one who broke, you can't heal you where I say, You know, you need to change this narrative that says, better the devil, you know. That's what keeps many people in relationships. You're like, you know, I've been with them for so long.

I know how to handle them. I know how to handle these situations. Even if we fight this really ugly fight, things always get back to a better place. And I think we need to stop using that. And instead of saying better the devil, you know, you can start saying better the peace. know yet. There's a, there's a writer named Lauren Eden. She says, when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off of knives. And that takes me back to the same thing of saying, well, my familiar is to be mistreated. I've seen people go through that and they're still married to

the same person 50 or 60 years later. And so if you're scared to end something that you know is bad for you. Please acknowledge for yourself that that fear is just trying to protect you from a different reality that you haven't seen yet. For example, if you've been married for 20 years, 40 years, however long, like a very long time, it's hard to leave a relationship even when, I found it hard even when I was with someone for two years. And I wasn't married and I didn't have kids. I wasn't living with him. So when all those things come into play, what's something that you, suggest that they should do to not be as scared? I think it's important to acknowledge that relationships go through faithes.

But when people say things like we've been through so many ups and downs, I'm a firm believer that the ups and downs can't be things like one of us cheated on the other person or one of us had an affair for years or one of us was abusive for a long period. of time. Those aren't ups and downs. Those are deal breakers. Those are non-negotiable. Those are red lines where the relationship needs to end. But if a relationship is going through a phase after being together for 10, 15 or 20 years where there is just no connection where it feels like people are on, both people are on autopilot and there's no effort being put in, there are things that you can try. you can express to your partner, hey, I've been noticing we've been drifting apart. And I would love for us,

for example, to have more date nights and see if we are rekindling in a way that feels good. And here's the thing. A lot of people, when they reach that spot, it's because there's one person who's no longer willing to work on the relationship. And the other one who's carrying the weight of everything on their shoulders, thinking it's on me to save the relationship. So if you're in that spot, I would say if you've expressed yourself enough times, you need to ask yourself how much more of your time and life you're willing to invest in this person. If you had only one more year to live, would you still choose to live that year, the exact same way that you're currently living it right now? Are you willing to pay that price?

And many people are. Many people will say, you know what? I would rather stay in this than go through the fear of leaving and figuring stuff out for myself. People do that to stop themselves from grieving. We always think of grief as a negative, ugly thing, but it's not. Grief is what will allow you to get to the place where you're in acceptance of your situation, what's the first stage of grief? It's denial. The only answer to this situation I'm in is to end it because I don't want to end it. So I refuse to believe that my relationship is that bad. There has to be a way to fix it. And that's when you sit around people who share these horror stories of things that they've accepted in their relationships and they tell you, you know, we're fine now. Every couple goes through this. And so you start giving excuses to the person you're with. who's doing all these terrible things.

But if you were to sit down with yourself and say, do I aspire to have the types of relationships that these people who I'm listening to have? If the answer is no, if your vision for what your relationship looks like, fundamentally clashes with the people you're listening to and the relationships they're in, then why are you taking their advice?

Why are you settling for the same things? they're settling for. It's one of the scariest things in life to say, I recognize that this relationship is not the right one for me. I've invested X number of years. Maybe I've had children with this person. Maybe we're married and we share all of our assets and there's too much on the line. But what's a bigger thing that's on the line? Is it the things you've already invested in? this person and in this relationship or is it the rest of your life? What's more important? You know, and we know this from research. When people stay in bad relationships where they're constantly pushing their pain down, they're constantly making excuses, they're constantly the one

to pick up all the pieces. They're in a relationship where there's no repair, there's no kindness, there's no attempts at fixing things from the other person. That shows. That shows you. up in your body. You're more likely to develop an autoimmune disease. You're more likely to suffer with a variety of mental health issues and physical health issues. So what price are you willing to pay for the number of years you have left in your life to reclaim that and say, I'm actually I'm going to lead the way from myself and think forward. I also think it's important to say, like it's depending on how close you are with that person, it affects not just the person. It's like all the friends around.

If it's like a family member, it's like the children, it's like so horrible when somebody is in that state. Absolutely. When you're in a toxic relationship, everyone around you looks in and says, why are you staying? Like I can see your suffering. And I as your friend don't like seeing you suffering like this. And I see your value and I see how much you deserve. And you deserve so much more than what you're accepting. I've not been in that situation, but I've been around that situation.

Yes. It's really tough. The only thing that outsiders looking in telling you, you deserve so much better, why are you accepting this? The only thing that's doing for the person who's in that really bad relationship is it's adding to their shame. A person who's in a toxic relationship knows they're in a toxic relationship. When you ask them, why do you stay? It's after they've asked themselves a hundred times, why am I staying?

So when you as an outsider are saying that to the person who's already in it, you're not empowering them. The best thing that you can give them is what that relationship robbed them of, which is their autonomy, their ability to come to you and say, you know what? He did this thing or she did this thing that was so bad and I'm so angry. And I know this is not right for me, but I feel so stuck. And then you as the outsider don't have to say, you know what? Just leave what you. say is, yeah, that's terrible and you don't deserve that. And you just let the person who's in it get to the point where they feel so safe leading the way for themselves and like you're not trying to push them in any direction because the person that they're with is already trying to push them to be a certain way. You're giving them a level of freedom that the person they're with isn't giving them. I'm going to put it in an example just so like it's easier. So say, So say it was a mom and a dad, right? And they're the ones in the relationship that aren't going well. And the mom or the dad was coming to the son or the daughter like a child. Because it must be quite hard to deal with if you're the daughter or you're the son that's hearing them parent vent a lot and like how are these problems. It must be a really, what I would imagine, tricky situation to navigate because I think it must be quite hard to not.

get very involved yourself in it? Yes. First of all, let's set things straight. I don't think it's healthy for parents to throw the weight of all these problems on their children. There's a line to be drawn there because, yes, the children are witnessing the relationship between their parents. There's a difference between saying to your child, let's say after your partner spoke to

you in a very negative way. Just so you know, that wasn't very nice. That wasn't very kind. And you shouldn't ever accept somebody speaking to you that way. So there's a difference between doing that and sitting down and just spilling all of your relationship problems on your children. Because what you're doing there is you're also putting them in a position where they need to be making certain choices that they're too young for. Don't make them feel like they're your parent. Like they're the ones who have to take care of you. Like they're the ones who have to console you. And if they don't take your side, they're going to feel guilty. And if they don't take the other parent's side, they're going to feel guilty. You're just putting them in a situation where it

clashes with what they need to be experiencing at their level of development. So, If a person listening went through that when they were a child, I need to remind you that what you can do every single time that you sink back to how unfair that was and how affected you now as an adult and how you approach relationships where you might, for example, feel like you're constantly trying to rescue the person that you're with. Just remember to take yourself back to those early stories where you felt like you were assigned the role of the saver and correct those experiences for yourself and say, you know what, that was really wrong. I don't need the parent that did that to me at the time to come to me and say this was wrong. I shouldn't have confided in you and all these

things. I don't need them to do that. I can do it for myself because I can see that that was wrong. And that's a big premise in the one who broke you can't heal you is you don't need the person who caused you the pain, whoever they was, even if it's a family member. You don't need them to admit to you that what they did to you was wrong. Is it great to get it? Absolutely. But we live in a world where people will give you the response of, well, I was doing the best I can. Or it wasn't as bad as you're describing it. I don't remember it being that bad.

We live in a world of people trying to protect their own, they call it peace, but it's really you're trying to protect your ego. And you're trying to preserve this image of the identity that you have, that you're a good person, that you would never really hurt something. somebody like that. And so you'd rather minimize, you'd rather invalidate, you'd rather make the person who's coming to you seeking the validation and the apology, you'd rather make them feel like something's wrong with them, like they're overreacting, like they're way too sensitive. And that's not healthy. Yeah, I think a lot of the time when people are wanting closure or wanting a like wanting a last conversation, for example, after a breakup, even when you do get it, It's never what you are expecting to hear as well.

Yes. And even if you do get that, even if a person tells you, I'm so sorry, I knew what I was doing and I knew it was hurting you. And I saw how much pain you experienced as a result of what I did. And I'm genuinely sorry. That apology doesn't do for you what you think it will do. Because what you'll realize, it's one of two things. that you've done so much work to heal that those words mean nothing to you or all the pain that you've stopped yourself from feeling because you haven't gotten the apology yet comes to the

surface and it turns into anger and resentment you look at that person you say oh so you knew what you were doing and you did it anyway yeah your healing isn't conditional on whether they apologize or admit what they did. Your healing can start the moment you decide you want to heal. Maybe instead of waiting for their apology, you apologize to yourself for spending that much time with them, trying to see the best in them even when they showed you the worst. Yeah, it's so true, isn't it's so hard.

I find even with myself, my own breakup, I was guilty of wanting the last conversation, and you were so right when it does just turn into anger and it didn't help anything. I then had even more questions still that was like sticking in the knife further and further and to why I put myself through that. I don't know. Like it didn't help anything. It just made me worse, but they're not better.

But you know what I mean? And see, any person, I mean, I asked multiple times on my social media, did he get the apology and what did you feel? or did you feel anything? And most people said, no, I didn't feel anything. Closure isn't when they give it to you. It's when you decide. And you probably read in the one who broke you can't heal you, the section on let go of your need for the last conversation. You don't need the last conversation. What is it going to tell you? Sometimes we want the last conversation so that we could rekindle something. If they see how badly they hurt me and how great I was and the fact that I already forgave them and whatever, then they might think, oh, let's continue.

Or how good I lost now, now go back together and like, look how well I'm doing and how good I look and all this. I feel like lots of people want them to like see it. So they're like, oh, no, I want you back. Yes, exactly. And the truth is if you look at relationships that start. the test of time. It was never about how good a person looked. Relationships that stand the test of times are the ones that are based on the person's core, who they are. There's one part in the one who broke you can't heal you where I say forego the physical or ego glow up and focus on your souls glow up.

Often what happens is when you're out of a really bad relationship of any sort, even with friendship, sometimes friendship breakups are a hundred times worse than romantic. Right? Often what happens when enough time has passed where you've done the work during that time, you naturally go through a soul glow up because you haven't been exposed to the toxicity for a really long time. And so what happens in when they see you after a while and see how well you're doing and how you have the light back in your face again and you're excited about life, that might be attracted to them. And they might say, oh, like, you know, this is what I've been telling you. Like, the problem was that you weren't the way that you are now. Why did you blow up now? And I'm sure you've seen this. There's this. trend, I think, on social media where when someone shows the glow up they went through after they left the relationship, people in the comments are like, well, you couldn't do that while you were in the relationship? And it's like, no. Because the problem was the relationship that you're in, it was sucking all your energy, stopping you from focusing on yourself. If you feel like I can't

be okay unless they're okay, unless I pay attention to their moods. And they're constantly, I mean, they're called energy vampires for a reason, constantly sucking your energy out of you. Why would you wake up in the morning and want to eat a healthy meal or go for a walk or shower and put your makeup on and go about your day and do something that makes you happen? Why would you want to do that when you're feeling so miserable all the time? You know, when I hear people say stuff like that, I think focusing on the last conversation, I want them to see me. I want them to see that this is, you know, this is the person they initially fell in love with. This is the person I used to be at the beginning.

What are you doing? Are you trying to prove to the person who stole your light that they stole your light? And now that you're not with them anymore, you have that light back and you, what are you doing? you know so but but when you're having a heart to heart with yourself or i'm having a heart to heart with you i would tell myself and i would tell you and everybody listening why would you give somebody who broke you so badly the privilege of being in your presence one last time yeah they've they've revoked their own access in your life when they chose to break you in the way that they did so let them sit with their decision.

Trust me, a person who is good for you and who's healthy for you, a person who maybe genuinely does have it within them to change and to be better for themselves and for you, you will know they will make it very clear and you will feel very safe in your body when you see how much they've changed. When you see that it's it's through their actions. It's they've gone to therapy. They've done the work. Their words won't just be words.

There will be follow up. There will be repair. So unless a person is that committed to fixing what they broke, don't give them any more access to you because all they're going to do is what they already did, which is break you even more. Have you had situations where you have, you know, gone back maybe one too many times to the last conversation. Yes, I have.

I have. That's how you know now you're like, it doesn't serve you. Absolutely. I have gone back way more times than I would like to admit. I've gone back way more times. I've given way more chances than I would like to admit. I've silenced my own intuition way more times than I would like to admit. And I think what you need to do when you're in a situation like that,

is give yourself some compassion and give yourself some grace and say, I wasn't asking for things to continue to be that bad. I was asking for things to change. And I had hope that they would change. And be for yourself, the friend that you so badly needed during those times. And focus on forgiving yourself and focus on making a list of things that you will genuinely never accept. in your life ever again. I call that the never again list. What's your never again list? I've not heard never again. I've only heard what you want. So I like that a lot. But never again.

Yeah. Well, I mean, when you've been, I know it's not good to focus on what you don't want, but there's something so powerful about saying never again, never again will I accept somebody cheating on me and saying we can work through this. And for those who who do, no, judgment. That's a choice you've made. But that's my never again list. Never again will I accept somebody calling me names? There's something really powerful about that because you're saying, I acknowledge that I did that in the past and I don't judge myself for it. I don't shame myself for it. I know it was with the best intentions and I was doing the best I could with the resources I had. I like that a lot. I like that a lot. I'm going to do that. I'm going to make a list of never again for

sure, your book. Is there anything else you would like to tell the listeners about your upcoming book that's coming out on the 25th of August? Yes. So the one who broke you can't heal you is the most powerful book I've written yet. It came from a really raw and real place. Everything I wrote about in here either came from my own personal experiences or from all the stories I received from tens of thousands of people. all over the world sharing with me their experiences of being broken and waiting for an apology and waiting for justice and waiting for the other person to get their karma. And I think there is a way for you to heal without the permission of the person who gave you something to heal from

in the first place. So if that's the place you're in, the one who broke you can't heal you is the best place to start. There's also the Kindle version. There's also the audio book, which I myself narrate. So if you like listening to me, that would be an option for you as well. I'm so excited. And thank you so much for today. I really enjoyed our chat. Of course. Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed our chat, too, and hopefully we can have many more in the future. Yes, I'd love that so much. So much.