The Break-Up Diet - Show Up. Shut Up. Here’s How to Support Your Friend Through a Breakup.

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

What kind of friend are you when your bestie’s heart breaks? The fixer, the listener, or the one showing up with wine and a bad playlist?This week, Yaz and Ilmz unpack what being a really good friend after a breakup looks like because supporting someone through heartbreak isn’t as simple as sending a check-in text. They talk emotional first aid, reading the room before giving advice, and why sometimes sitting in silence says more than the perfect pep talk.From hyping her up on the hard days to helping her find her spark again (and yes, knowing when it’s time to throw the block party), this episode is your go-to guide for friendship in the heartbreak era.Whether your bestie’s going through it or you are, this one’s for you. Because healing doesn’t just happen alone. Sometimes, it takes a friend who knows when to show up, shut up, and pour the prosecco. 🥂 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, oh, you go, you go, you go. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Breakup Diet. This is Yaz, this is Elms. I mean, I feel like they know who's Yass of Ails at this point. For new listeners. For the new listeners. Because we're always manifesting new listeners. Today, we're going to be talking about how to be a good friend when your friend is going through a breakup.

The first step is actually to match with your family in terms of clothing ones. I was literally going to say that. I was like waiting for you to have a pause so I could be like, a good friend always matches. Exactly. It's copying. No, it's matching, not copying. Mm-hmm.

We actually didn't do this on purpose either, so we're in sync. We like instinctively knew. Yeah, exactly. We're being good friends to one another by matching. Matching, yes. But in terms of like being a good friend during breakup, I have to be honest. Like, I was a very shit friend. You weren't a shit friend.

You're a harsh friend. I was just blunt at the wrong times. Yeah. Let's switch it up. We've been holding back way too much. Welcome to the breakup diet. I'm also like that though. So I'm like that as a friend too.

Where to be a good friend for somebody going through a breakup, I think you have to, yeah, give blunt advice, but when it's... When they're ready for it. Yeah, because if you do it too soon, they're just, number one, they're just going to get upset, and they're not going to hear it, and then it's just... You're just putting more salt in the wound, and it's so unnecessary, so let's start the episode with me officially and formally apologising, T.E. No, you're fine. I can laugh about it now. We did. We already said this in another episode, but we did. There's one episode we didn't air. We were not in sync. I said something, and then it was like, no. Hang on, let's stop just for a sec.

And subscribe and follow the breakup diet. You don't want to miss another episode. I don't know. To be a good friend, I think we need to say you have to let them cry, listen to the story a thousand times. And honestly, in the first few weeks or months, don't even give them your opinion, really. The first month, especially the first month, because that's a very, like, you're mentally, very, like, tender and vulnerable.

Yeah, or, and also, they might get back together. That happens a lot. That's true in the first month. Yeah, so it's awkward if you do go really hard and be like, he's a loser, la, la, la, la, even if it's warranted, because a lot of the time people do get back and then it's really awkward. Yeah, like, you don't want to jeopardize your friendship because of a breakup. Yeah.

I think you have to say, like, oh, you can do better, you didn't deserve that and all this sort of stuff, or I'm sorry, but not, don't crucify the X. That comes after. Yeah, I think you've got to approach it with empathy, and the first most thing you've got to do is hype your friend up and keep telling her she's so beautiful she's so gorgeous like she's perfect the way she is we can all see it yeah true because you do feel low you feel low and you feel like a bit like me

so you need somebody to be a hype you were that you did hype you gave brutal advice but you're the biggest hype ever really yeah you gave me brutal advice even like a few weeks ago so it's just like swinging of one end to the other basically but you gave me brutal advice at the start but you were very hyping so not everyone's perfect trust me i'll be the first person tell you that i'm not perfect but should we play a little game to start yeah okay good friend or bad friend so we're going to give situations and then we have to decide is it good or bad okay let me ask you you have your own paper

A bad friend takes a paper from the post. Yeah, a good friend prints out multiple copies so we remember and then the other one steals mine. Okay, showing up with wine and snacks. Obviously a good friend. Uninvited. Oh. Good friend still, but I think the intention is good, but then also some people just like to be alone. But I feel like they shouldn't be alone, so good friend.

Yeah, I think if the intention is good, you've got to just. Yeah. And if you take an ill, you take an ill. You go home and you try again or you call them before. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Good friend or bad friend. Helping your bestie stalk their ex's new partner on Instagram. Good friend.

Yeah. Yeah. Do it for the team. I feel like it's an information exchange. We deserve to know what's happening. And it could help you with moving on. It could. I mean, it probably won't.

because you're not going to feel great after you do it but it is but sometimes it just kind of seals a deal that it's done you're never going to get back together i think the harshness of it kind of helps you come to terms with the fact that okay this is done now yeah fair fair it's painful but it can be helpful depending on how you look at things yeah true i've not done this just but i have no no i've definitely looked at i've definitely helped friends but i'm saying i haven't actually done this one myself, which is rare, purely because I could do it myself anyway. Babe, you're like an FBI expert over here. You can do it so easily with a blink of an eye.

Yeah, I'm like that meme, you know, where there's like a meme that it's her boyfriend that goes out on a night out and he like gains one follower and she has like an Excel document of like all the names written down like that he's like followed because of obviously the order is different and she's like goes on it and she's like cross-referencing. unfortunately that that is me when I want to be texting the ex on their behalf is that a good friend or a bad friend I think it depends on what you're texting I actually had this one of my friends because I got broken up with a week before my birthday right and my ex didn't even bother to message me on my birthday and he even though we hadn't we didn't have a bad breakup like as in it wasn't like for a nasty nasty

reason, you know, where there was like hate, a lot of hate. So I kind of expected that I might get some sort of happy birthday or like, I hope you're okay. I'm sorry, this ended like this or something, you know? My friends also all thought that too, and they knew that I thought that I kind of expected that. Like I thought, I don't know. If it was in the reverse, I would have said something. Anyway, they thought about messaging him, saying like, and then they stopped themselves because they were like, do you really want a message to come from us to prompt him to message you? Like, because you know you're sad. Also, I feel like friends shouldn't get involved in the breakup.

Yeah. It makes it so much more messy, so complicated. And they weren't in the relationship. Exactly. So really it is not their place to. Yeah, so bad friend. Yeah. Inviting their ex to a party, but without telling them.

Hell no, bad friend. Yeah. Really bad friend. Even if they're the same friendship group or anything, doesn't matter. It's just out of respect, I wouldn't, like, make a friend go through that. What if it was the next situation ship? No.

No, it's not good. It's still, like, sensitive. But what if it was, like, somebody, I'm trying to think of it. Like, so what if there was, like, a boy group and a girl group, and then that, you know what I mean? They're always been intertwined. They've had a thing, and then you're, I still think you have to, you can't not tell them, I think. Heads up.

Yeah, you'd have to be like, look, I'm thinking of inviting them because we're all friends. Do you mind? I agree. There needs to be communication because it's just not fair to both people, I guess. Yeah, both, because they're both going to be like, ooh. Yeah, like what? Hyping them into a rebound fling a couple of weeks after the breakup. I feel like you would hype somebody up, though. Only if the person's worth it.

Yeah, and also you would do it, but you wouldn't do it in like a mean way. I'd be like, oh, if this guy's aligned to you, do it. You don't have to be home on a Friday night when you can have fun and meet someone that you actually might like yeah i think it's so dependent on the person where they are yes so if the person is ready and wants that and can be like open to that yes hype them up if they're not let them grieve yeah you just got to like judge the mood off the friend yeah yeah and real mood but if you're like a good friend you'll know because it it won't be like a mask or facade it'll be true you'll see okay so this one listening to the same

story about their ex 20 times. Good friend or bad friend? Good friends. You need to give them the space. Yeah. Good friend. But also, if they're not making any improvements or any, like, different things, then I think you've got to try to offer a different perspective.

Yeah. And hope that they kind of take it in. Yeah. Or offer them a therapist or something so that they can talk about it more and more and, yeah, find that perspective. just take them to magic mic yeah or take them to magic mic you know or redirect them to the pod there we go i think that is the answer that is the answer so you're only a good friend if you direct them to the breakup diet there we go amazing but okay like let's actually get serious

being a good friend during a breakup is so important what's step one number one i think you have to just be there. Like you have to go over, sit with them. You don't even necessarily have to like want to go out and party and do all this sort of stuff. It's more you just have to be available to like go for a coffee, go for a walk, pick up the phone. I think it's those small things like and if you can't try to make time to like make sure you're messaging back or calling at least. Like I think even just the act of showing up is enough. You can be sat with silence next. to her in bed and she's crying and you're just there, just so she can feel like your physical presence is more than enough.

Yeah. Like, that is probably the best way to start. Just be there. Yeah. And don't give too much advice at the start, as in don't get the too harsh at the start because they're just sad. You just need to listen. Step one, show up. Yeah. Step two, however. Step two, I feel like you would want to start in the start. involving them in activities and involving them, you know, a bit into the world,

not necessarily having to like party or whatever if they don't want to, but like get them doing things outside the house and seeing other people too. I agree. So step two, emotional first aid, help your friend kind of get back into their routine again. So if it meant that you guys used to go on a gym class every Saturdays, try and kind of encourage her to or... Or do it together as a new thing. like a new hobby. Yes.

Yeah, kind of help her shift her perspective on things, you know? Also with the first aid, you could do, like, a self-care night or something with them or buy them a cute little, like, eye patches or something that, you know, make them feel good. Yeah, just really make them feel wanted. Because at the end of the day, like, you are still wanted. You're wanted by your friends, family, and your loved ones. It just doesn't have to be that guy, and it's okay. Yeah, literally.

Okay, what's step three? Step three is when Auntie Ilms gets in town. Oh, no. Step three, run. Step three, lock all your doors up. But step three, I think that is when you can offer some boundaries and a bit of tough love. Obviously, approach it a bit more tenderly, but help them give, like, a fresh perspective on breakups. I'd laugh at me because I just got, I don't know why, you just got this vision of, like, illness.

side job now. Okay, she's doing it to like her old age. I don't know why I've pictured you as an old lady doing this, but like an old lady and you're like knocking on people's door, like, okay, now this is the time you've got to let go. Like, really like it's done. It's gonna be your side hustle. Oh, that'd be an amazing side hustle. It's like big mama's in town with a massive ass suitcase being like. Maybe this could be like your Halloween costume. The breakup nanny. The breakup nanny. It's actually so good. Yep. Some whip, some sense into you, like with a handbag.

Oh, my God. I think from this point, that's when you kind of offer them other ways of thinking. Instead of, you know, being in bed, doom scrolling, it's like, okay, let's get out of bed. Let's not revolve our lives around a man that things didn't work with. Yeah. And I think you also, we always talk about celebrating the wins in, like, in this step, I think it's really important. So if you're, you know, strong enough. to block them.

Celebrate that. Get a cake. Yeah. Block party. Hey. Yes. Or this would be the time where you have the breakup party, right? Because before you're too sensitive, you're too hermitting, you look ugly because you're like

crying every day. Yeah. Now you're coming out the other end. You're strong enough to block them, mute them, move on, stern advice, celebrate it. Exactly. I think that's when you're giving them tough love, but equally celebrating. every single achievement even if it's like oh i've gone a week without stalking them that is a massive achievement in itself because you've gone from having this person to now seeing this person online

and to now completely cutting them off that is a big achievement it really does need to be celebrated the way it should yeah literally i want to add one more point on the tough love just because we say step three is tough love doesn't mean you have to be tough love all the time you still have to read the room yeah read the room and have those moments where maybe you Don't give as much tough love because the breakup is like a wave. Like the sensitivities off a breakup can change, and I've learned what? No, generally through you. So many waves.

I'm my calmest wave now. But this is a long time now. Good. I hope so. But equally at the same time, hold them accountable. If they're doing something toxic, just tell them straight up. Yeah, I also, that's one thing with a breakup that I, like, have learned, or I will tell people now. If you feel like doing something, just do it. If you feel like telling them that whatever

you want to tell them and other people are like, no, you shouldn't, stuff it, do it. You might feel better about it. It might not be the right decision like in general or like the best decision in that moment. But if you want to do it and you think it will make you feel better, even if it's not like the normal route, just do it. Nothing is normal really in the breakup diet. Do what suits you the best. Yeah, exactly. Step four. Long game. You just wanted to say that a lot. Long game.

Okay, so the long game is basically what we just said about not being too harsh on the points of like this, this, this, this. You might go back to step one and be crying and they might be really sad, you know. So you've got to just read the room, trust the vibes. And maybe when you're at that fourth step, you can try to implement every bit of the other steps in altogether. Yeah, you've got to remind yourself that breakups don't magically, you know, heal after two weeks. You've got to be there from the start and you've got to be prepared to kind of repeat some of the steps again. Like, one day you guys are like out hanging out, back to the gym, doing fun stuff. Another day you're probably back in bed crying. And it's okay.

But the main point that we want to get across on this episode is the fact that you have to be there for them. Yeah, and it doesn't stop after the first week. This is something that is actually... It's a long game. Yeah. It's not about texting them in the first two weeks, being like, checking in, being the good friend, like, even if you're turning up, answering calls, being

present, you have to keep doing that. Maybe not to the same magnitude. I get it, because everyone's busy and everyone has everything else going on in their lives. But you still have to make a conscious effort to go for a coffee with them when you can. Include them in plans. I don't know, go for a walk, send them something on zap. I don't know. Show that even if you can't be there

present, like in, like because of work and you can't be there in front of them, that you are still there for them. And approach everything with empathy because at the end of the day, this relationship, this breakup isn't yours. So you will never know the full picture. You will never understand like the emotional mechanism that took for the two people for them to break up, you know? yeah and you don't know everything that went on behind closed doors and all that sort of stuff so it is yeah you have to just yeah like don't even bother making comments about the relationship because at the end of the day as a friend it really isn't any of your business the main thing is empathy and hype the shit out of your friend because your friend deserves to be hyped yeah and also what does help a little bit though is if i'd like

to know if they're having a d glow up is that maybe bad because us women are going to have glow up and then they're going to be like oh and we're going to be like see you later alligator you know exactly something i want to add about to be a good friend is a lot of time when somebody goes to a breakup even when you take them out and stuff they're not really going to be there do you get what i mean like you take them out you're with them but their mind is like so they've got a life of their own yeah not present and they're they might be extra quiet especially if their confidence or something has been knocked within that relationship, you've got to just like try to include them

but don't force it to. So, yeah, because sometimes when you go through the breakup, you're just like a bit introverted. So I feel like you have to include them, but don't force them because when they're ready, they will come out of the closeness. Yeah, and don't get offended by the fact

that they would just want a hermit. It's okay. Like, it's then, if that's their response, that's their response. Yeah. But yeah, if you are going out with them as well, like, if you are going out and you are drinking, just be prepared that they're probably going to cry at the end of the night. Not always, but it might happen. So you have to be, like, ready to know, ooh, you've got to just be there.

Yeah, you just got to be there. Did you have any good things that any friend did for you when you went to your breakup? Oh, I think. Like, that stood out. That's like, maybe we haven't said. I think, like, the best things my friends have done for me is literally just, listen and give me a lot of kindness. I think having that made me feel very complete again,

because I'm like, actually, no, like the love that I have is 10 times more wholesome and more genuine than a love from a man that's going to be temporary. So it definitely helped me with, like, my healing process and decentering men and kind of taking romantic love off the pedestal and made me appreciate, like, my friends and family so much more because at the end of the day like they're my people like they'll be there for me forever yeah i get you i get to what about you what's been like the most

standout thing that you've experienced from a friend i had basically like a friend move in basically which was really nice because then i wasn't alone and even if we didn't talk every day even if we didn't you know necessarily debrief my relationship or that just having them there because I live alone. I like felt even more lonely and I work alone, go work at home. I would see you, but it's still different. You know what I mean? So having somebody just, I don't know, to wake up and have a tea with made such a big difference. And also, I'm a big talker. So I talk something into the ground until like, until you physically can't talk about it anymore. And from so many angles and I will ask the same questions so many times. So I'm very appreciative of my

friends, sorry, just listening to me and just staying calm and not saying like, I've heard this 100 times. Even if you have heard it 100 times, it doesn't matter. And also, I'm grateful, sorry, I'm grateful for my friend also making me go out and do things too. Because I was like, I was really sad. I obviously still wanted to do things. and that's why I came back to that point earlier. I was not fun though. Like I was so introverted. I feel like now I have my personality back completely,

whereas before I was just so like introverted in myself that even though I was like feeling a bit better about the breakup or something, I still wasn't there. So when I was going out, I might not have been fun. I get it. You know, but they didn't like be like, oh, she's not fun. so I'm not going to go out with her anymore.

You know what I mean? It was more like they understood. So I think that's really important, just to be patient. Patient, empathy, and just be the biggest hype person. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening, guys. Be a good friend. Yeah, be a good friend because they'll be there for you.

Exactly. Oh, Thank you. Thank you.