The Break-Up Diet - Signs He’s Not That Into You (And You’re About to Get Dumped)

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

The slow fade might be one of the most painful ways to end a relationship - that gradual withdrawing where your partner becomes increasingly distant, leaving you wondering what you did wrong. On this raw and honest episode, we tackle this common but rarely discussed breakup method that leaves so many of us confused and heartbroken.We break down exactly what a slow fade looks like and how to recognize when it's happening to you. Those vague "don't know" texts when you ask about plans? The decreasing intimacy? The feeling that something's off but you can't quite put your finger on it? Those aren't just in your head - they're classic signs someone's trying to exit without having the difficult conversation.Why do people choose this cowardly approach instead of ripping off the band-aid? We explore the psychology behind slow fading, from fear of confrontation to uncertainty about their own feelings. Some people slow fade because they want to keep their options open or they're waiting for you to do the breaking up. Whatever the reason, we discuss how to protect your dignity when someone starts pulling away.The most liberating realization? When someone shows you they want to leave, let them go. Fighting for someone who's already emotionally checked out only prolongs your pain. We share personal experiences with slow fades, ghosting, and abrupt breakups to help you navigate these painful transitions with grace, self-respect, and the knowledge that yes, it really does get better.Listen now to arm yourself with the emotional intelligence to recognize a slow fade, the courage to address it directly, and the wisdom to know when it's time to say "boy bye" and focus on your own happiness.Send us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

Let's go! Welcome to the breakup dive to another episode with Yaz and Ilms where we talk all things breakup. Yeah, so I have a question for you, Ilma. Go on! Would you rather get broken up with by someone, you know, giving you lots of like mixed signals, maybe taking a long time to kind of get to the decision, or would you prefer to just like get ghosted or send one line being like I can't do this anymore? I think I would prefer a brutal breakup where it's just like they tell you how it is as opposed to them stringing you along pointlessly.

Buckle up bitches, this is gonna get bumpy. This is the breakup diet. At least you just rip the bandaid off, you know, it sucks but then it's done. You're not just like wasting your time. I've been slow faded before and to me it just made me feel like shit because I can feel that they weren't into me but then at the same time I'd be like okay if they weren't into me they would've just ripped off the bandaid why are they still stringing me along like maybe they still love me like yeah I think you don't know and you kind of like latch onto anything that's a

little bit good and you're like oh they they were gonna dump me they wouldn't be I don't know buying me flowers or telling me I look pretty if they were gonna dump me they wouldn't be here at my divorce party yeah yeah yeah yeah I think yeah I think slow fading is one of the worst ways honestly but it's such a common way I feel like everyone has kind of experienced it to a degree. Yeah, because you could get slow faded even if you were just in a situationship. Because they're like a very early situationship. 100%.

Because you just like, you know, keep stringing them along and then... Then it's nothing. Cold. So what is slow fading to you? Like how would you describe it? It's when the other person's like withdrawing themselves away from the relationship. And the thing with slow fading, I've just realised, it can happen anywhere. It can happen with your jobs.

They can put you in a performance improvement plan that is basically a slow fade to firing you. Yeah, but what if you do improve a lot, a slow fade to firing you. Yeah. But what if you do improve a lot, then they don't fire you. No, no, no. Really? So do you know then? I've never obviously had that. Yeah.

So from personal experiences, I was put on the performance improvement plan. And that is basically a HR code for look, we're about to fire you, but we'd rather you do the move. Yeah. Savage. Very savage so slow fade you gotta look up slow fade you gotta look out for in the real world. Yeah I think it's when you just go cold but you take a long time so you might leave like little breadcrumbs it's the bread crumming thing so you shoot them a text here and there but you don't really but then in a relationship like if I got

slo-vaded right now it would be like my partner just distancing I guess. Oh my god how much distancing it's long distance as it is. Even more distance. It wouldn't be fun. No it would mess with your head because it's like okay am I coming up to see you? I don't think we could have any more distance. No, no, he's better than that for sure. No I think he would just tell me. Yeah I think so too. I think I would get a bandaid, not the not the bandaid, it's the other one. Yeah rip off the bandaid yeah he would. Yeah. Have you ever been slow-? Yeah, I did. The one time? Mm-hmm. Was it bad? Well, yeah.

Well, how did it make you feel? Like, give me some details. Well, cause I said earlier, I got slow faded and then he showed up to my divorce party only to dump me two days later. I might keep talking about this all the time, but it's just, it covers so many different types of breakups in that one breakup.

Yeah, I get you. It made me feel really insecure because I would ask him like, hey, when are we hanging out next? And he'd be like, don't know. Because normally like when you hang out with your partner, you know when you're gonna see them next. Yeah, yeah.

Messes with your head. Like just that don't know text is. Before that, would he text you like more? Yeah, we would call each other every night before we go to sleep. Then they would like turn to nothing and because I was in the mission to always be the cool girlfriend, I kind of just let it happen. Oh no. And then I bet you were left even more confused as to like what point in your relationship made him just drop you. Yeah. Or do you think he was like trying to figure out his feelings so he was doing that because he wasn't sure?

No, I'm pretty sure he was just cheating on me. Oh, sorry. That's not nice. You suck. Yeah, you can do everything. You can cheat and slow fade. It's a great combination if you're a shit person. Some would say it's the best combination ever. Genuinely.

Slow fade, cheat on the side, you know. Easy. Have everything. You can have the cake. But what would be, like how are people going to know if they're just getting cheated on or being slow faded? Is there any behaviors that people could, you could notice on someone to be like, Oh my God, I think he's, you know, trying to slow fade out of this relationship.

When they're just not making that effort to hang out with you or the same routine you guys used to have, it's just not there anymore. So nightly calls are over the weekend hangouts are just not there anymore. So nightly calls are over, the weekend hangouts are just not there, he's not inviting you out to places anymore. Yeah the effort's gone. And like the interactions are just smaller, like less hugs maybe, less um... Yeah less intimacy for sure. Yeah less like text but like even the quality of the text. Is shit.

Yeah, so you're saying, I don't know, like that before he'd be like, oh, maybe I can't do this day, but I can do this day. Yeah, yeah. Could you imagine receiving a don't know text from your boyfriend? Ew. That's giving.

Like it made me feel like I got punched in the throat or something. It was really hurtful. Oh, that is bad. If they don't also talk about future things. Because if you're there like avoiding the future, they're avoiding seeing you, they're not putting in the effort, they're... I don't know, you can kind of pick up on a vibe I think.

Yeah. Why do you think people do it? Well there's loads of reasons, but like I feel like people do it if they're not sure So they're not sure on you or if they want to be with you so like the whole relationship I feel like they'd also do it if they I Don't know felt bad to break up with you because it's like confrontation is kind of no one likes doing it like let's be honest It's awkward. It's awkward. Yeah, I think if they're back to the cheating thing, if they're a shit person, they want to have all the options. They want you, they want you and you and you. Yeah, they literally want to have everyone and they

don't want to close any door. Exactly, but they don't want to be held accountable. Yeah. And they can still get the cuddles and stuff, know and when they're hung over they get a nice girlfriend that like you know cleans up with them or cooks with them or something. Yeah take advantage of basically everyone around them without having to give away too much. Yeah. Rough. But do you think there's ever a nice way or like people are ever doing it you know not in this mean mean way we're saying? Because, no, because think about it, imagine I'm not doing this,

but imagine I wasn't sure on my boyfriend, right? And I wasn't sure, but I didn't wanna let go because he is such a nice guy. He is like all these qualities that I want, but there was something that I didn't. I probably wouldn't do a slow fade but like I would be you know taking a step back to try to analyze if I'm feel better alone or not. So what's the difference between stepping back and a slow fade? I think I think it's the same thing as because you're obviously stepping back for a

reason but I would say like if I was to do it, it wasn't mean. If somebody else is to do it, then it's- It's so mean. Yeah, it's done to me, it's mean. Yeah. And it's wrong. If it's me, it's like, I'm just a girl trying to figure out my shit.

Yeah. If it's men, it's like, you're greedy. Yeah. We can't be held accountable. No, but you know what I mean? Like, I feel like, although some people might not have malintent, like, doing it, because they think it might be nice, so you know, they're trying not to hurt the person as much by not breaking up with them, it sometimes hurts more because you're just, like, stringing them along.

And they also don't get a good part of you. They get, like, the mixed emotions. They're not getting all the like nice Genuine connections not there anymore and it's so unfair to them because you're still there But you're not giving them the connection that you guys Originally kind of build it's not fair to the other person. It's really mean Yeah, it is But what would you do if you were in that situation if I was getting slow faded or if I'm the slow fader? No, if you were the slow fader. God, I guess in some instances I have been the slow fader

Where I just did not have the courage to speak my voice But it was never with like a bad intention. You know what I mean? That you're saying it's not with bad intention, but for them it is. Yeah. Yeah, it's never nice. Getting broken up with in any way, to be fair, is not nice.

It's not nice, but I think in terms of ethics, ethically it's better to just rip off the band-aid, tell it how it is, as opposed to stringing someone along. Unfairly. Yeah, but then how do you know after, so you rip off the bandaid and then you're like, shit, I fucked up. Then you just need to own up to it, as opposed to just causing... Ugh, it's hard. Do you think that people are just lazy if they slow fade? Like, are they just a lazy person and that's why they do it? Maybe and definitely the fact that they're a coward.

Yeah but you just said you slow faded somebody. So you're a coward. Yeah well obviously I'm a coward for that. I'm not a good person for doing that. Like I'm not saying I am. Yeah okay I get you but I don't know I don't think they're always necessarily lazy because I feel like it could be more effort for them. That's true to be forced in a relationship they don't want to be in. Yeah, you know, they're forced to have all this chat

to, you know, even give the breadcrumbs. Like that's a lot. It probably requires more brain thought than just dumping them. Oh, That's a lot. It probably requires more brain thought than just dumping them. Oh, 100%. I think, yeah, I think it just boils down to the fact that maybe they just lack the courage to be confrontational. Yeah. It's scary.

To dump someone is scary, I would imagine. Yeah, have you ever dumped someone? No. Oh, you've only been dumped. I prefer being dumped. Yeah, I prefer being dumped too. I can't imagine having that conversation, practicing it in your head.

You see, but this is why I think people slow fade so that the other person dumps. Yes. You know, they're kind of, they're detaching and then they're detaching, they're detaching, it's becoming quite obvious and then the other person pulls the plug. Yeah, so they don't have to do the breakup.

Why is it so hard to say that you don't want to be with somebody if you don't think they're right? Because obviously they've come to a conclusion in their head, you know, if you're going to break up or something or you have a reason, so why can't you just bring that forward straight away? I think they're probably deep down 100% not sure, or they're 100% not ready to be alone. I think that's why a lot of people just stay in relationships that don't really benefit them or relationships with people that they don't really like because it's just easier to be with them to be alone.

Because that's how scared of being alone they are. I've seen that happen so many times. To be honest even I am like I would be scared to be alone you know if we broke up. It's a big change because you're not you don't have that massive support system anymore. Yeah and it's also you just like lose somebody that you always talk to or rely on or that anything so like it's scary definitely a scary. Yeah no it is so like it's scary it definitely is scary yeah no it is really scary it's such a shock to the system because you're like oh what now yeah say if you're living with your partner what would a slow fade be then

they just don't come home a lot oh shit sorry oh my god, I've kind of seen this happen at work where men at my job, they'd just not go home. They'd book hotels for whenever there's like a work event, because it's just easier for them to like be in the city than to go back to Surrey or some shit. Yeah, but that might be legit, no? That might be legit, like they might be okay. And bring the wife to town. Yeah but, yeah to be fair then why don't they bring the wife then?

Exactly. But maybe they have kids. Get a babysitter. If you can afford a hotel you can afford a babysitter. You make a point. They obviously, maybe they just want a night alone. To be honest when I'm older I might want a night alone too. No. Maybe they just want a night alone. To be honest, when I'm older, I might want a night alone too. Like with a man sleeping diagonally across the bed or snoring or some shit.

Like, no thanks. They might be like, I need a break. Maybe she snores. Yeah, fair. But what would you say between a committed relationship and a situationship, what would be the similar signs? So a situationship, if you're slow fading, you're just dating somebody who's like an avoidant.

And like, as in they're just avoiding, and then they might just like booty call you, I would imagine, or, you know, they're just like giving you little breadcrumbs to hang on to in a situationship. You know, it's kind of the, the whole essence of a situationship is a slow fade. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, you know, they just, they string you along but they don't really care. The effort isn't really there. You know, but they want you there because, you know, they might want hot chocolate and winter wonderland. Don't know. Yeah. Yeah, they're not that interested, or if they are, they're keeping their options open and they're looking elsewhere But as a relationship it depends if you live together like if you live together or you're really close and you're always together Then I would just there'd be like a lack of Intimacy so yeah all the behaviors would kind of be the same

Just maybe more obvious in your in a relationship because you're that much closer Definitely because in situations ships. it's like, okay, we will really never reach others to begin with. Or really know that person a lot of the time. Yeah, it's like two early days for you to. No, but some people are in situationships for like years, like nine years and stuff. God forbid.

Like, I'd be hungry. God forbid. You know, all those bedcrumbs, I'd be like, where's my cake? Surely at some point it's like, okay, maybe I should probably see a therapist and like develop some standards. Surely. Yeah. But then again, I guess the psychological effects, it wraps you in.

Yeah, how would you handle it now? Like if you had, you know, somebody slow faded, they got away from your relationship and they just kind of went cold. I think after being double-therapized, I would definitely just ask them, look, things have been a bit distant. Is everything okay? If he says it's not fine If he doesn't reply, I'm just gonna take it as a sign to like do my own exit I don't need to wait for him to dump me this time So then you just like fade him. No, I think not even I just leave. Yeah. Yeah, I tell him

Okay, look clearly something's not like right as otherwise he would've said something. Wish you all the best. Seriously, I don't have time. You would say wish you all the best? Probably. Nah, I would be like, I would be like, okay cool, thanks for the reply, and then that would be it. I don't wish you all the best. I don't, but you just say it out of courtesy.

No, there is no courtesy. Stuff that, I'm normally the nice one, but no. I don't even mean that in a nice way, I just mean it in a formal HR way. What's it called when they send you to HR? The Performance Improvement Plan. Send him a Performance Improvement Plan. Yeah, basically. Say you enter into another relationship after, would you then be scared that like, every time he was a little bit distant

or didn't, you know, give you a great text just because he was busy, but actually busy, would you then be like jumping on that and being like, oh my God? No, cause obviously with therapy, I've learned not to jump to conclusions too easily. Like, I think I'll be a bit more patient, but also a bit more like, I will hold my ground up. Yeah

Yeah, I'm excited to see what happens when I actually date someone. I know good luck. Yeah, good luck They're they're getting a strong woman. I know they're gonna hate me because I'm gonna be like speaking my mind No, that's great because I know we're talking about a very specific type of yeah. Yeah, I know Yeah in the ideal world you're dating I'm gonna give you a now. In the ideal world, you're dating, I'm gonna give you a situation. Go on. Okay, so you're in a relationship with this guy, three years, he's your ride or die.

You wake up one morning and he's like very flustered and he's like by the sink and he's like, I just can't do this. Shit. I'm completely throwing me off. Yeah. And maybe he was having the slow fade without showing you any of the behaviours. So for him it's not like an abrupt breakup, but for you it is. Yeah.

Um, I don't know. That's very scary. Like an abrupt breakup is scary, no matter how much therapy you've had. Yeah, but at the start of this we were saying that it's better to have an abrupt one over a- Oh yeah, I'm not saying like, better for worse, it's still scary. But I think I would definitely prefer that. But just think about the questions. Oh yeah, as long as he like gives me the space to like talk about it as opposed to just like, okay I'm done I'm going. No no no, I'm done I'm

going is the... I actually I'm gonna take back everything I've said. I think it's better to have a slow fade. At least you have something to latch on to. Oh fuck that. No, as in like as to why, like at least you could probably work it out. Whereas like if it's just like bang you're just left in the cold and the unknowing would kill you not actually kill you but like That would be so hard like imagine they're just done and then you're just there like where did I even go wrong? How can I even improve that for the next time? But then there's me thinking okay if he

that for the next time. But then there's me thinking okay if he didn't respect me enough to give me a reason while he dumped me then why should I give him respect in regards to having space in my mind about it? Like why should I give him all this like real estate in my brain? Like I actually really don't need to know. If I've been that massively disrespected, I don't need to like go to him for a closure. I don't. It's good. No, like seriously. I'm glad that would be you.

I would definitely need something. I would. For what though? Not for what. I would just need it to make peace in my own mind. Might not be- But can you not make that peace within yourself by accepting the reality?

I think that's so much easier and better for you. I mean, I could probably accept the reality, but to make peace within myself, I'm not gonna lie, I would be thinking about it for way longer, probably, than if I had a conversation and I still had more questions. I would be dwelling on that for probably like years after. Realistically running over all situations as to why. So with the damages of a slow fade what are we doing to preserve our energy and maintain our

standards and not crumble? Yeah, it's easy to crumble. Cause yeah, it's hurtful. Like you also, you feel like you waste time. You don't really know why. You don't know why it was such a hard decision. And then if it was such a hard decision, like why aren't they with you almost? You know, if it's so hard to come to that,

you kind of latch onto feeling like I am, I'm good enough enough but I'll change you know? Yeah like I'll fix it let me fix this yeah so how do we handle it in the more classy maintaining our standards kind of way? You just have to walk away. Honestly that's the thing you just have to let them go. Yeah you just have to be like okay cool well you're missing out. Yeah. You're missing out and then you might not realize that at the start but they are and when they realize how good of a person you are and what you would have done for them then they're gonna be like oh god. But it's hard to

come to terms with that. Mm-hmm. You either do that or you go for their best friend as one or the other. Oh the the best friend's always a fun option, but I think it is just one of those things if they want to walk away, let them. Yeah. You can't like take it on board too much. You've got to be like, okay, it is what it is. They're a mistake and I'm just going to take it. Exactly. Sometimes in life, you just have to take the L and you gotta like hold your head high and think,

okay, one person leaving is space for 10 probably hotter, richer options. Yeah, and also I was just thinking that if they're slow fading you, they're like, they've thought about it so much and that point of it is actually so extremely hurtful because it's probably not just one thing that they didn't like you know it wasn't a quick like I'm breaking up with you you like someone's

photo it's like they've thought about it so much maybe multiple reasons they've come up with they've mulled over it that I'm like, alright, if you really think that, that, then okay. Like why would you want to fight for someone who doesn't like you? Yeah, so maybe slow fading is actually one of the better ways to be broken up with actually. Yeah, it can be super helpful, because you're just seeing someone go progressively shit and you realize okay I know what I am deserving of and it's not that so yeah but at the end of the day one of the most liberating feelings in life is that you can't control other people's behavior if they want to do what they want to do let them and just move on. Do you think you can get back with somebody after you have a slow fade?

Probably, but there has to be like actual like conversation. You can't slow fade your way back into a relationship. Yeah, it's like a wave, you know, they're like, Oh, actually changed my mind and going back. Yeah. Cause you do change. That's the thing. Like people do change so much over the years that maybe at one point you're not working.

Definitely, and I feel like no two breakups are the same. One relationship, if they slow fade, they can get back together, another relationship might not. You have a breakup once with them, the next time does it hurt as much? Oh my god, I don't know, cause I think it hurts less if you didn't expect the first one or something. Cause you're like, that's when your heart crumbles.

So your feelings going into it the next time are probably a bit different. A bit more guarded because nothing is as bad as the first breakup. Yeah. Nothing will ever be as bad, I'm telling you. Oh my God. I'm telling you. Oh my god. I've had semi.

Look. I've had a semi and that was pretty fucking bad. I'm not gonna lie, like I was distraught for three days. Distraught. I promise you, if, god forbid, there's another breakup, it will never be as bad as even that semi. I'm being so serious. Because I feel like you've been through that motion of, oh, I feel like I've lost my world. Once you've gone through it once, it does get a

bit better. Breakups do get better. Breakups get easier every time. No, they really do. My flatmate was saying that because when I got dumped last year year I cried, I think 20 days straight. And I mean, not like girly sobs, like, you know, those like, it's so, so, so ugly. Yeah. Like those tears where you feel like you're crying so hard that you might transform into a werewolf. Like that's how much like body like that's just how much physically it's affecting you. Yeah I was like that for 20 days and my friend her brother her mother because they all kind of like saw it happen and they were just

like oh honey it gets better the next breakups not gonna be as bad. You're like brilliant sign me up. I want more of this. It's a weird thing a break up though like I would call my mum because she wasn't here and I would just be like crying on the phone my mum couldn't even say anything like she'd say it's okay and I'd be like ahhhh and then like she would say something like yes do you like do you not want to go see someone? I wanna see him. Oh yes. Mine wasn't even that bad like as in it was only a week top.

Well good news is it'll be fine. It'll be better next time. The next time and you won't transform into a werewolf. What are the other types of breakups? A divorce. Yeah's yeah but like... Legally unbinding. Yeah but that's not a type, is it? There's um... That's like...

There's a ghosting. I think ghosting breakups is common. You could have a nice breakup. Yeah. Like a mutual breakup. Like you're both like, we ain't right. No. No. Yeah.

Cause sometimes when you fought for so long, you both jumped to the same conclusion and that can be really nice. Do you think anybody's on the same conclusion? I don't think so. I don't know. Actually, now that I think about it, one of my ex-husband's friend, he was divorced and he's always stayed in touch with his ex-wife, which I think is like weird, but they both like jumped to that conclusion that look,

this is just not gonna work, let's just like help each other in this transition phase. And that's when I met them, like when they were kind of... Maybe that's a nice way. I just don't think I could stay friends for the next... No... Like, I don't care whether... You've seen me naked, I can't. Yeah. I mean my head didn't go there but like it would just be like...

Yeah. Like we've done so many intimate things together and now we're just gonna be like, mates? No, I just don't... Yeah, I don't think you can be mates. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah, sorry to anybody that is but I mean teach us actually. Yeah Yeah, come to the pod. Yeah, I think actually slow fade terrible if you're having it done to you genius If it's not you because you can have your cake and eat it too But just like all breakups if someone doesn't want to be with you, let them.

That is like their call to make, unfortunately. That is just life. Yeah, and you also, you've got to remember that it's not a you thing a lot of the time. I mean, sometimes it's a you thing, but sometimes it's like they... And if it's a you thing, fantastic. Learn from it. Learn how to be a better person from that.

Yeah, if they tell you. Yeah, or talk to a therapist. A therapist could probably pinpoint. Yeah, okay, talk to a therapist, talk to your friends. Oh yeah, chat to your VT. If someone is exiting their way out of your life, see it as a blessing for bigger and better opportunities. Yeah. It could even mean like a redirection in Korea. It could be

maybe a redirection relationship. If not, it's not a bad thing. Boy bye. That's always how it is. Boy bye, I'm about to make this money. Yeah and he's gonna look at this, like look at you and be like shit I really lost somebody great. And if he doesn't I actually really don't care. And if he doesn't, I actually really don't care. And if he doesn't, I hope he gets f***ed. No, I'm just kidding. Are you gonna laugh?

No. No. No. No. No. No. And if he doesn't, I hope he gets unemployed? Yes.

Yes. I hope he gets pinched in the arm. Yeah, if he doesn't, I hope he gets pinched in the arm. Yeah, if he doesn't, I hope he goes to jail. I don't know, something like- Prison! Prison for dumping me! Yeah, lock him up. Yes!

Lock him up! Yes! Lock him up!