The Break-Up Diet - Starting Over After "I Do" is it really that bad?

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

Have you ever wondered how it feels to dust yourself off and start over after a divorce? Join us as we unravel personal stories of getting married young, navigating the aftermath, and the dance of dating post-separation. We touch on the impact of immaturity during significant life choices, the emotional hurdles of loneliness, and the desperate need for companionship. Discover the resilience required to find your footing again, and how embracing unexpected life paths can lead to unexpected freedom.Navigating the dating world after divorce can feel like stepping into the unknown. We discuss the awkwardness of first-date conversations, especially when it comes to relationship expectations. What happens to the engagement ring, and how does one adjust to single life after years of marriage? With anecdotes and relatable experiences, we explore the emotional roller coaster of transitioning from married life to singlehood and the common reactions when disclosing a divorced status.In a world where the perception of divorce is evolving, breaking up doesn't have to mean breaking down. We explore the diminished stigma surrounding divorce, the empowerment of divorce parties, and the importance of reclaiming one's identity. Heartbreak, though painful, isn't the end—it's a powerful catalyst for growth and self-discovery. Hear how embracing new beginnings has led to exciting projects and enriched lives, as we celebrate the courage it takes to embrace change and the boundless opportunities that await.Send us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

We are back. How have you been? I've been good. I was going to ask you a question to start this off. Go on. So, is there one thing you wish you got told before you got married? Don't do it. Why? Don't do it.

Don't do it. Why? Well, obviously I was young. My frontal lobe wasn't developed. I wish I thought things through properly I wish I thought about myself my future I don't regret it because obviously I've learned like amazing lessons everything's a lesson not a mistake but buckle up bitches it's gonna get bumpy this is the breakup diet.

Would I do it again in my 20s? Probably not. Did you have, like, a big wedding or anything? Yeah. Yeah. We had, like, a massive, like, 500-people wedding. Yeah. Yeah.

I never knew that. That's so fun. Did you have, like, a massive gown oh my god yeah I'll show you the pictures after actually I've never shown you because Ilma and I obviously if you've listened

to the first like episodes we met at Ilma's divorce party so yes you do I knew that Ilma's been married but I don't actually

know anything about it no we've never actually talked about it in depth no but yeah I wouldn't do it not in my early

days just because you're so young i think yeah i was so young it's a big responsibility to have to be able to look after a partner financially it's a big responsibility as well because you know you're putting in two assets together yeah that's so scary did you guys like have a house together or something no luckily no because i just wasn't ready for it, which is crazy because I thought I was ready for a marriage at the time, but I wasn't ready for a mortgage. Yeah. How does that work?

You're like, not my finances. Yeah, but for love. But for love. Anything. Yeah, yeah. Where was your wedding? It was in Bangladesh. That's so cool.

Yeah. What's it like? Sorry, this is a side topic. No, it's in Bangladesh. That's so cool. Yeah. What's it like? So this is like top of your head. I don't know. No, it's really fun. Really, really fun. And you get looked after so well there. Yeah.

Great food, great atmosphere. When I think of getting married when I'm young, this might be different for everyone, but I think it's because people are just so infatuated with each other and they just can't wait. So they just do it. Is that why you got married? Oh my gosh, that's 100% it.

We were both under 25. Oh, you were that young? Yeah, we were babies. The infatuation wasn't at an all-time high. The frontal lobe wasn't developed. We didn't really think through our future properly. We were just like, that's it we're it for each other that's it to be fair i would probably get married young i'd get married like

if i got asked probably tomorrow it's not bad but not for the good reason but i would probably be like yeah party oh the wedding is fun i mean that's probably why i want to get married again just for the wedding i don't know if i want to be married, married again, but a wedding. And some big rock. I miss wearing it. I miss having it. Did you, like, go out and just put your hand on the table? When I first had the ring, I'd be like.

I'd be like, the weather. That glass over there. Yeah. Can I have an apple so if you haven't guessed today we're going to be talking about how to date after divorce because ilma is a young lady who has actually had that happen and she's okay yeah you would think like going through such a traumatic experience like that that that you wouldn't survive. Yeah. Or I think back when I was married,

I couldn't even imagine what life would be like as a divorced person. Yeah. But it happens. You go through it and you move on and you're fine. That is probably the best takeaway out of my experience, is that no matter what happens happens I'll be fine on my own would you say that you were quite a dependent person or independent I was independent in that I always wanted to keep my job and you know do my own thing but emotionally I was very dependent

I would kind of harp on him what does that mean just like just like leech yeah I was very clingy and I think shortly after divorcing and being single I would leech off friends they always have to be with somebody yeah I would be clingy with my friends I would have to make sure that I'd be doing something every night and make sure I wasn't alone because I needed someone to fill that void that I was missing from my ex-husband. Was that for a long period after that you had that? Yeah, a year. So you just wouldn't want to be alone at home at all? Even if you weren't doing anything, as long as you were with someone, it was fine?

Or you had to be like out? With someone. So like even doing like basic errands by myself the first couple of months, I couldn't do it without my flatmate being there. And not even like her just like coddling me and like short, like doing things with me. It's just, I needed to feel another presence in the house. Because it's scary going from like having someone all over you,

then nothing. I feel like with a breakup even. So obviously this is another level but the first two weeks is fine because your friends are around they're always there but then after that people kind of move on with their life and get a bit more distant and then you actually feel alone yeah did that happen oh my god of course that was such a hard adjustment and i would kind of try and make more friends on social media just so i'd have new friends to hang out with consistently yeah and like keep recycling the same story over and over again oh so you could talk about it with them yeah

non-stop uh that's it's quite fun when you start being friends with a new person you always it's like an easy topic to bring up and then you like bond over this because they're like oh my god no way this happened to you yeah because like i know i went through a divorce but because i didn't have kids or a house with him my divorce kind of felt like a big painful breakup so you were together for like a while and then yeah five years oh my gosh you're married for the five years married for three years if you did have those things it would have been way worse way worse and it would have made the like harder legal process harder as well because i would have had to stay in touch

with him for a lot longer as opposed to you know it was such a quick process and i was able to kind of initiate no contact with him immediately. Basically, I told him, look, wish you all the best. I don't want to hear from you ever again. Were you able to actually move on that fast? Oh, no, because that must, although it sounds very good, like having a clean break, it also must be quite hard to actually like stomach that. Oh, my God.

The first three months, Yaz. Because I don't think i would believe it even if stuff was bad or whatever yeah you know what i don't think i would actually believe it until maybe two months in and then you're like oh my god so much was happening when we separated because our lease was ending for our apartments i had to had to find a new place. So I was going through that whirlwind of finding a new flatmate. So, like, to find a random to live with. Did you find a random? Yeah.

So imagine going from living with the love of your life to a complete stranger from Facebook. I honestly, like, luckily I hit jackpot and, like, she was nice. But that takes balls of steel. Sorry, but that takes balls of steel. I couldn't do that. I would probably live alone for a little bit and then. I couldn't afford to live alone.

Yeah, true. London is so expensive. London is so expensive. So having to go from that and then processing the fact that, oh, he's no longer in my life. It was really, really hard. And I think I would use dating as a distraction from how hard it was how long after that did you find that you're okay even if it was a distraction to go on these dates it took me a year it took me a good year for me to go on these dates like literally every first

date I'd be like just so you know I'm divorced um I'm not looking for anything serious but I am I'm really clingy that was gonna going to be one of my questions. I was going to say, do you bring it up on the first date? Oh my gosh, yeah. Now still? Oh, it's on my Raya profile. Why do you have that on your Raya profile? So basically my bio says three truths and a lie and one of the truths is that I'm divorced.

No one gets it, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah, that is funny. That is funny. What are the other ones? I can't swim, which is also a truth. At all. Okay, so you just paddle. No, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah, that is funny. That is funny. What are the other ones? I can't swim, which is also a truth. At all. Okay, so you just paddle. No, you can't paddle.

I just waddle like a duck. You just stand. And then the third, the lie, is that I skipped a grade. So everyone thinks that you skipped a grade. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you're like, no.

No. It's the swimming. If you didn't have it in your bio, and if they they didn't ask would you tell them on the first date now now yeah i think i would just because i naturally tend to ask people on the first day like what are you looking for on the first day yeah that's so i've had that question i've had that question once and i was like you're a freak sorry but like i was like what do you mean what we're looking for we're on a date a first date how am i meant to know what i'm looking for because i don't know you but it's more like what stage in your life are you at yeah but someone's not really

gonna tell you probably oh yeah like i'm looking for six kids and a rain droger oh yeah i would run or if they're like oh yeah i just want to run have a couple shags oh i don't know why i said shags but you know what i mean both ends of the spectrum are an it don't ask somebody what are you looking for yeah but maybe it's like cuter when a girl asks like oh like what are you looking for no No, it's giving me pick me. And I'm not getting picked. You are getting picked. Where's the ring?

You had the ring. I had it, but I didn't get picked anymore. Did you? What happened to it? Did you give it away after? It's at home in Australia. It's the actual thing you're meant to do after that. Well, have you seen that Emrata made another ring out of her?

She made a divorce ring out of her. My rock isn't big enough. Because she had two huge rocks. I just had, like, one semi-rock. I don't know whether to, like, make it a necklace or... And then if you wear it, you're like... I don't want the sentiment of my past. Yeah, maybe it's giving you evil eye. I think so too.

I think it's just bad juju. Yeah, I get that. But if it's a really nice big rock and you get divorced, I would make something out of it. It's a tricky one. Is there like an etiquette on it? Do you know? I don't think there is.

See, I didn't think I would give it back. Yeah, he didn't ask for it back. I think it's a bit weird. Honestly, like I get it if it's a family heirlo didn't think I would give it back. Yeah, he didn't ask for it back. I think it's a bit weird. Honestly, like, I get it if it's a family heirloom or something, then obviously, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. For sure.

That's an option. But otherwise, sorry, that's like giving you a gift and then taking it back. You can't do that. Don't care. Exactly. But at the same time, you've kept it. What now? I'm going to make it into something.

Would you? Or pawn it and get lots of money for it fair enough fair enough i don't know you could probably put it in a different setting and like have some like yeah sapphire cross diamond any ideas my earrings or something something not like i don't know necklaces too close to my heart oh that's so true okay you've given me ideas i know what i'm doing this summer with my ring so once you got divorced and everything did you ever have a moment where you realize whoa i'm single like something that really stuck out to you when i first went out as a single person that's when i'm like oh i can actually reciprocate all this attention i'm getting like there's no law telling me not to now yeah i am free i'm single i'm gonna talk to everyone i'm gonna get with anyone now there's no consequences no one needs to know do you go out a lot when you had your husband or no yeah we did

we did but you went out together yeah yeah okay yeah but would you go out alone ever or no not really unless it was for my friend's birthdays that must be weird then going from that was that like a while after that you had that experience two days after 48 hours after you're like i can flirt with you i can do anything I want. And it was just so nice to exercise that power after, what, five years? Yeah, yeah. So I don't know if I've told you this, but he was my only partner for my entire 20s. Oh, my gosh. So when I was separated, it was my first time ever in my 20s where I experienced single life. Ever.

You must have gone nuts. I went insane. Are you kidding me? The first six months, I would be out. I don't blame you. I would be out too. The day he left, I was out. My best friends from Australia came to visit me the day after he left.

And it was like, I'm getting with you. I'm getting with you. I'm getting with you. You're coming home. You're coming home. You're coming home. Oh my God. It was like a rotating door that apartment by the end of the three weeks has seen some hellish things yeah yeah that's what you needed though oh it was amazing did you

have a depression session after that yeah yeah that's what happens you see it's fun going out it's all fun and games you're having so much fun until you break and then you get the depression session oh my god the crash was bad yeah because then you think like how lonely you are oh my god yeah because that was when my friends left and that was when i moved into my new apartment with a new person. What now? Because I never thought that at age, what, 27, I'd be divorced. So you obviously would tell these boys straight away that you're divorced? When I first started out.

What was their most common question they asked? They would just be like, what? What were you doing getting married in your 20s? And I'm like, I don't know. I believed in love okay so they were just more like what it wasn't like how long or anything yeah it was more just in shock okay okay okay because that i could imagine could be awkward if they're like how long and you're like two days ago anything that like positive came out of being like divorced

besides maybe getting your independence obviously i think it's helped me become more patient with love and not date to marry if that makes sense a lot of people like date with an intention to be in a long-term relationship and then to get a dog and then to get engaged and then get married they all have this set vision i don't have that anymore i don't date for forever now which is kind of sad because i don't believe in forever anymore oh no the more and more i've dated the more i've realized that men don't date for forever 10 years ago it was normal to you know after dating a year you get engaged and well like three years maybe not a year years a lot but like at least three years now it's like people just have this situation for years and then maybe they become official and then but then someone cheats or oh that's just it's like a grim

thing that i've learned in dating now no i think there is a fair amount i think it's just you have to meet the right person do you think yeah i think there is a forever i think it's just you have to meet the right person do you think yeah i think there's people for everybody and obviously certain people work better than others but i don't think that everybody has a soul mate we're just destined to have multiple people now no i don't think you're destined to have multiple people i think that you can have connections with yeah more than one yeah when you like had your divorce and everything did you find it hard to date again if i'm being honest i think my walls are pretty high i'm very guarded so i kind of go into dating in don't give anyone too much i just make people laugh

i don't really open up much yes i like talk about my divorce and laugh about it but i don't get more surface level yeah even so you think your whole perception of like love has changed definitely and i think i'm a bit scared. Yeah, I would be scared too. And how did you cope with like that feeling of obviously you haven't, but what people would perceive as being like a failure? That's, I think, still to this day a very tough pill to swallow because it is kind of embarrassing. Yes, like I'm in my 20s and I couldn't keep a man. Like I couldn't keep my marriage together.

It's such a shitty reflection on you. And I have days where I beat myself up on it. Then I have other days where I like embrace it. I'm telling people, oh my gosh, no, like life's not over after a divorce. I'm having so much fun. Look at me. Because I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I believe that. I don't think you should look at it being 20 and divorced and all this. I feel like you are so young and obviously you guys did it being so young. It's not a reflection of you. And I don't think it's a failure to get divorced. Okay, if I'm going to be unhappy, I'm going to be like,

sayonara. Yeah. Get out of here. I think if anything, it's more powerful to walk away and say no this isn't for me yeah because lots of people stay in things so long because they're too scared to walk away even though they know it's not right yeah i think it's actually takes such balls to be like no this isn't right for me i gotta get out and stick with it because so many people don't do that full stop

yeah no it's definitely like an admirable thing. It's a superpower that no one can take away from me. And it's interesting that you say that people don't seem to put shame on you being divorced. Yeah, maybe the times have changed because maybe 10 years ago, the stigma for divorce was quite real. It used to be very scandalous in any community. Now I feel it it's it just happens do you think divorce happens more now than it used to oh my god definitely why because of like social media because of there's so many more options do you think people are getting married

younger or what why do you think there is i think because we just don't have to put up with bullshit anymore i'm gonna get really like political and feminist. But back in the day when people were married for long term, it was genuinely because women needed a man to be able to own land, to open a bank account. Because now we don't actually really need a man to do those things. We don't have to put up with shitty men anymore. You know, I have my job i have

my own bank account i can buy a property if i wanted to yeah 20 years ago 30 years ago in the 90s i probably wouldn't have been able to and i probably would have stuck it out so now you just don't have to you don't have to put up with stuff that doesn't serve you then you're just like see ya yeah basically bye boy bye it's good and it's bad too it's good in the space of like if something does go wrong and you're not happy and you want to get out of it you can be like that you've got the option and you'll be fine but i just feel like people don't look at marriage the same way either which i think is sad 100 because it's obviously a bit easier to get out of stuff obviously it's harder when you have kids and properties and all

this sort of thing but because it is easier now with like getting out of it moving on all this sort of thing that marriage kind of has lost its sanctity it's you know the whole foreverness of marriage i don't think exists anymore because everyone around me who's been married has been divorced like i've seen so many divorces in the last five years including myself how long after when they got married some was within a year some was 10 years some was 40 years so you can't see like any correlation no it's just when people have had enough they've they. For me, I would be thinking that no matter how many arguments you have, you keep trying to make it work. Yeah, I think some people just have that fight in them

and some people just don't. You know, some people can just fight to fix their marriage. So you know how you said you told the boys or their site that you're married and divorced. Did you ever have an experience where somebody wasn't nice about it did you ever have a bad reaction um in dating never but i used to make tiktoks about my divorce and i would get negative comments how did you deal with like all those negative comments did you just not read them or i would read them but i would also kind of roll my eyes and be like you don't know i'm i'm happy yeah you're clearly not happy if you're being miserable in

my comment section I'm happy so Emma do you think that having a divorce party and like celebrating something that seen as being like a failure was that like a massive thing that you needed to do to move on definitely it was for me to kind of reclaim my status as a divorced person in a positive way and also for me to just end this chapter in a fun way celebrating it with all my friends who were there for me throughout the worst without it I think I would have felt a bit like oh where am I in life now I'm like okay that's done I'm in a new chapter now I'm in a new era now I'm single I've semi-healed how did you come up with this idea because like this is that was my first was your first divorce party I've like that was my first time I've been

to one and I remember I posted on my story I posted the obviously Ilma looking amazing but then also like all the cakes she had so she had like cupcakes and like oh not cupcake biscuits yeah being like legally single single af yeah yeah i had a tiara that said divorced i had sash that said no wife no life and happily divorced it was like at a wedding you know because it obviously at the wedding you like change you know dresses from long to short and all this ilma did that too we had dances as well yeah yeah it was so good speeches oh my gosh yeah it was just the best event ever and i think we need to normalize celebrating heartbreak can we not have breakup parties breakup parties please yeah after you know after the first two weeks when it gets dull and then you need to have a breakup party.

I think we should have a breakup party. Come in like all black in a veil. Mourn the relationship. That's actually so fun. If I go through a breakup, I'm going to do that. Well, you know who to call to organize it. I've got the experience. It's such a nice way to mentally just be like, okay, that's an end of the chapter.

Also like letting all the boys know that you're back on the market we need to make it a thing now how do you stop yourself obviously just being okay to vulnerable with other boys oh or do you think you haven't been I haven't hit that stage yet where I can be vulnerable I can't lie I haven't been dating this year at all I've just kind of had an end do you think it's because you're scared to have like that rejection again definitely because imagine I celebrate my divorce and I get broken up with and I have then I'm mourning that for six months yeah and then I'm expected to go date again I don't have it in me I'm really messed up yes no. No, but fair enough. That would be so hard. Rejection is just hard, full stop.

It's a lot. And I think my ego is so bruised that I don't have it in me to put myself out there and be vulnerable because I'm terrified. The healing process was long. I definitely, I needed two therapists, antidepressant five million girls trips if you didn't meet anybody on those girls trips or out for example how did that make you

feel I would feel very deflated when I wouldn't meet people even though I'm not looking to date or anything the fact that sometimes I wouldn't get attention i'd be like what yeah yeah what's wrong with me do i have the letter d for divorced on my forehead it's hard because even if you don't want something serious you still want validation it's really icky so sometimes i'd meet people in person we'd exchange instagrams or whatever and when i I'd see they view my story and not like it, I would feel the stinging rejection, which makes no sense because I don't want them to begin with. But then why do I care for that kind of interaction? Is that something that you had before you got divorced or only after? After in recent times. Yearning for that validation is so icky to me.

I'm getting the self ick do you think that's just come from being divorced oh no i think that just comes from being insecure oh do you have any so say you're dating now do you have any non-negotiables it's important that they have a job like unemployed men is not a thing you're like i ain't looking for charity yeah yeah no and if you're on a first date do you have any like tips for going on a first date to make them like you okay this is like a really niche tip and probably something you don't expect but buy listerine mouth strips while you're snogging them on the first date just to have fresh breath don't you brush your teeth before you leave though

not really i always brush my teeth Before you leave for dinner and stuff. For a date, yeah. Brush my teeth and then you put the black charcoal powder and it makes your teeth look ultra white. Oh my God, okay. I want to do that with the Listerine breath strips. So like ultra pearly white teeth, fresh breath. So that way if you're making out with them,

like Ilma is on her first dates, then you can. You never know. You never know. Have you ever had somebody on a first date just straight up go to kiss you? No. God, no. That's weird. Yeah.

Have you? Yeah. It's weird. I literally had to dodge. Wow. Like this. Like he greets you with a lip kiss. No, no.

He didn't greet me with a lip kiss, but after like probably one minute and a half of talking oh my god maybe two okay i'll give him two oh my god whoa that's a lot steady on yikes it was really bad i can't lie so you don't have any hacks of like trying to get a boy to like you? Oh, I know a hack. Actually, I know a hack. Okay. Okay. So basically when I first used to start dating, I would tell people from the get go, I'm not looking for anything serious.

Men don't like being told that. So then they go, no, no, no. That's my call to make. I'm going to make you like me. I'm going to make you exclusive with me. Yeah. So tell them something and they'll do the opposite. That's my call to make. I'm going to make you like me. I'm going to make you exclusive with me. Really? So tell them something and they'll do the opposite. You see, I don't think I could do that because then if I like them

and I'm going on dates with them, then I'd be like, it'd be obvious that I like them too much. I know, but then just use your words. Assert with your words. And they'll just go crazy because they can't handle rejection. Evil. Evil. What would i do on a first date i mean you have to read the audience and then have to answer properly depending on what you think that they might like so if they mention something about family then you know like that they're close to their family so then you've got to mention stuff about family

yeah you've got to mirror them you've got to mirror them in some way you know yeah and ask also on a first date i just ask loads of questions so i don't speak that much yeah same same straight away ask you something right back at you and then you go in there give me the answer i'll ask it back with a question yeah and then and then if they're even like halfway through you like look at them and then you're like, oh, yeah. Tell me a bit more about that part. Yeah. Yeah.

Bang. Don't have to say anything. Yeah. That's how you keep your walls up, guys. And OK, so you know how you say that you get divorced on your first date, but do you elaborate on it? No, I never tell these new men what happened ever, ever, ever ever because they'll use it as ammunition yeah true instead i just go oh my gosh no like we had a really nice couple years together it was really great that's it and they just let it go yeah i'm not giving anyone any ammunition

hell nah yeah because then imagine you got in an argument and they go this is why they divorced you and they they did this to you yeah when people bring up the other stuff yeah i probably bring up stuff no i would too because i'm petty like that yeah i do too like this is why your girlfriend cheated on you because you suck yeah the boys aren't allowed to do that. No, no, no. Different standards. How do you make yourself not feel like your divorce is a failure? I'm embracing it for what it is in that, look, I get to experience something so traumatic very early on in my life. I'm now equipped with this life experience.

I'm now better prepared for my next relationship. I know exactly what not to do, what to do. What do you mean? Just in terms of relationships, like how to care for your partner, what not to do to piss them off. What do you do not to piss them off? Maybe I need to know this because my boyfriend seems to get very pissed off with me all the time.

I've understood the power of calm and patience through this experience. I was not a patient or a calm person i was very bratty dare someone touch my stuff i'd be like how dare you like what's wrong that's mine and that's what this lessons taught me that nothing is actually truly within your control and let go two years on if you saw him now would you be fine hell nah no no i will run away die i will melt no no god no you haven't ever seen him since no you kind of would want to but kind of don't want to too like i know you don't want to you have these twisted fantasies you do you do have these twisted fantasies but when it comes down to it i would never never and you didn't live in the same place

after no because your lease was running out yeah that's very lucky because i feel like if you When it comes down to it, I would never, never. And you didn't live in the same place after. No. Because your lease was running out. Yeah. That's very lucky because I feel like if you walked into the house or the apartment that you used to live in with him and you weren't with him anymore, you'd probably feel so much more lonely. Is there any misconception that people have with divorce?

Like we are so fine. We're not damaged. No. I'm not a failure. I'm a superhuman i went through all of that by myself as a baby in her 20s heartbreak is always a superpower it's actually the most beautiful thing to ever happen to your self-development because you do have a reboot then yeah oh my gosh i've made so many new friends i've met met you. We're doing this. I'm working on all these other projects. I've just gained the entire world.

I've lost nothing. Heartbreak is not a bad thing. And this goes to all breakups as well. Like there's nothing to be afraid of after it happens. Well, thanks, Ilma, for answering all these questions. This has been so like healing. It was like therapy. Triple therapized.

Anyway, thanks, guys. Triple therapized. Anyway, thanks guys. Thanks guys.