The Break-Up Diet - Steal Back Your Sexy After a Breakup with Sex Therapist Christine Rafe

Episode Date: September 24, 2025

So your heart’s been smashed and the thought of sex feels… impossible? We’ve been there. But what if getting back in touch with your pleasure was the key to actually healing? In this episode of The Break Up Diet, we’re joined by sex therapist and founder of Good Vibes Clinic, Christine Rafe, for our spiciest chat yet and trust us, it’s the post-breakup pep talk you didn’t know you needed.Christine gets real about why we slide back into toxic “Dick Sand” with our exes, how to spot if you’re chasing a rebound for the wrong reasons, and why your body feeling foreign after heartbreak is totally normal (and temporary). She shares her step-by-step tips for rediscovering your sensuality, starting with little non-sexual pleasures — sunshine, laughter, friendship — before graduating to self-exploration, confidence-building, and yes… the toys that can change the game. 👀We also dive into the messy psychology of attachment, how to actually set boundaries around trust and cheating (spoiler: everyone defines it differently), and why single, child-free women just might be the happiest demographic of all. Whether you’re fresh out of a breakup, questioning your worth, or just curious about how to build the best sex life on your own terms, this conversation will make you laugh, squirm, and maybe even order a new toy by the end.Heartbreak hurts — but your sexy is waiting to be stolen back. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys, welcome back to the breakup diet. This is Ilms and this is Yaz. Today, we're interviewing Christine Rafe from Love Honey. She is a sex and love relationship therapist, as well as the founder of Good Vibes Clinic. It's going to get a bit raunchy. This will be our raunchiest episode yet, so if you're with your parents, listen, but with earphones. Welcome to the pod, Christine. how are you? Yeah, I'm really good. Thank you so much for having me. And I'm like really excited to be part of the raunchiest episode. Yeah. Let's switch it up. We've been holding back way too much. Welcome to the breakup diet. For us, yeah, for us, because we're very like prudish people. So,

well, let's see if we can crack that open. Okay, let's let's get into it. Okay, be honest, is rebound sex ever a good idea? So is this an interesting question, right? Because I think yes and no. And probably different people have different opinions on it. And I think where it can be a yes is if the intention is really to get back out there, to rediscover yourself, to connect with your sexuality or your sensuality again, to have fun.

Like we know especially pleasurable good sex can be an amazing rush of confidence, of dopamine, like all the feel-good hormones. And I think if you are intentional about the reasons why you're going out and having rebound sex or having sex soon after a breakup, then I think it can be really helpful for people to move on and a lovely distraction. Okay, my question, sorry, to follow up, if the sex is so good, it's not bad then to have a rebound with him. So I can't call my ex to have sex, right?

No, I don't know. You're going to get caught in the dick's end. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess this is it, right? It's like if you're doing it to avoid feeling, you know, any of the feelings of like, yeah, disconnect from that person or from like any other person that you might have rebound sex with or as a way of trying to get back with someone, then not super helpful. It just sucks. Like, why do like the shittiest people have the greatest dicks? because they don't have much else for them so they have to like you know to have that going for them maybe what if i like that is really molded his dick and make it oh no yeah and honestly i guess what i would i would say to that is like reflecting on what made it so good like is it

actually his specific penis or is it like how you felt when you're in the experience what he with about your pleasure and your body like you know I think I think it's a euphoria yeah yeah also if you know someone so much like as in if you've slept with them for a long time then they obviously know you and yeah how what I mean they know exactly how to like push the button so to speak right like if you've had sex with them the first time having sex with the new person most of the time is going to be like cocky and uncomfortable and awkward in some senses because they don't know your body and your body's different to everybody else's. So, yeah, absolutely.

Going back to like the same old dick, you know, it makes sense that we would want to go there, especially if it was good. But if there's still feelings there, like residual feelings or if there's like a sense of going, maybe we'll get back together and that's not the reality, then it's probably not worth it and actually exploring more around, yeah, like what made it so good and then how do I replicate that elsewhere? I have a question. Sorry, this isn't on the list, so sorry, so don't have to answer.

But, so say, you go back to your ex and you have sex and they love bomb you, right? But then don't want anything. What is that person, just a bad person they are? Why do we do that? Like, why do we run back to them, even though we know it's a bad idea? Because we get this surge of hormones when it comes to people that we have. like an insecure relationship with, especially if they love bombing us because they make us feel really good. Like the highs are really high and then the lows are really fucking low. I don't know.

I swear, but I really. So it's hard to, you know, turn away from those things. But it's not good for you. Especially the endorphins is such an addiction. It's annoying. It's like being a drug addict when you're like wanting them again. Yeah. Like that is it. It is like your body responds hormonally in the same way as people who are taking drugs. Like it is actually an addiction, which is why we keep doing it. God. Like a rehab for people like us. The rehab is yourself. How do you know? So you've broken up with someone and you're, you know, you get a bit sad. You might not have found somebody else and you're starting to feel a bit lonely, how do you know whether you're actually just feeling lonely or is that you miss them? Because I feel like people get confused

between the two. Totally. And I think it's really important to acknowledge that both probably are true to some degree, right? Like even people that are not good for us that we can acknowledge, like maybe even, yeah, they're love bombing or they're doing like toxic behaviors. Even those people have qualities that we are probably going to miss. Right. Like we miss. We miss. the way that they called us a certain pet name, or we miss the way that they kiss us. Like, we are going to miss specific things about a person, even if they are so, so wrong for us. I guess it's thinking about, like, what are the specific things that you're actually missing?

Are you missing having someone to sleep with at night time? Are you missing having sex with someone? Are you missing companionship? And I guess if it's more broad or general, then actually you're probably just missing, yeah, the company and the known, especially for people who, or in longer term relationships or with someone for quite a long time or used to being in relationships

to then not be, it can feel really isolating. And like it's really a shift and a change from, from, yeah, what you kind of know your life to be. So the broader things you miss, it's more the fact that you're kind of struggling with a new change.

Yeah. If it's specific, you miss him. Nothing specific for a lot. No. No. Right. And I guess even if this, like if there's anyone out of the list,

and they're like, it is really, you know, really specifically miss the spag bowl that they would cook me. And it doesn't mean that they are like your soulmate or your one because, yeah, you miss the way they cooked for you. Like, there are other people out there in the world who are going to do that for you. And maybe better. Maybe better. I don't so too.

Because your standards do get better as you navigate, like, post-breakup life. You kind of reflect like, okay, this is what I want, this is what I don't want. And from there, you definitely get someone that's more compatible. to you, I think. I guess this is kind of like the good way to look at breakups, even if, or especially if you're dumped, but even if you're the dumpy is like you're always learning new information about what it is that you want, what you don't want, what you like,

you know, the types of people that you're interested in, the things that actually are really important to you in a relationship, like every new person that you date or are in a relationship with, you're learning new stuff about yourself. Yeah, so true. In terms of, I guess, rebuilding your confidence after a breakup, well, a lot of us lose confidence in our bodies after heartbreak. What do you suggest someone to do to kind of bounce back with confidence again? Yeah, I feel like sexy in your body and like, yeah, confident.

Yeah, like totally resonating with, you know, especially someone breaks up with us. Yeah. That feeling of, you know, questioning, yeah, is it about us? And especially in like the way that our social narrative is constructed, especially for women. so much about like sexual you know am i was i not sexy enough was i not good enough at sex you know do i not have this specific type of body whatever it might be so usually what i say to people is like and i think um we'll probably get to this but sex drive and sexual confidence is usually like an all time low when you've been for yes yeah we both had that and like we have that yeah have that

most like women i seem to see have that not all the time but a lot of the time but men seem to do the opposite most of the time, they go out with the entire city. And I'm like, how? I don't even want to be, like, hold hands with somebody else, like back then at all. Yeah. Well, and I suppose this sort of comes to what we were talking about before. Like, what are your reasons for, like, rebounding to, like, a new sexual relationship really quickly? And for men, often there's like an ego element there, right? Like, the quicker that they get back out there and start sleeping with people, the more that they can, like, for them, there's kind of that, that rebuilding of the confidence, which can absolutely work for women as well. But when you don't feel like doing

it, it can be hard to kind of take that step. And I guess what I suggest to people is, like, focus on reconnecting with your body and your pleasure generally, like remove sex and pleasure from it for a moment and actually think about, like, what are the things that feel good for me? Like, I freaking love, like, my face in the sun. So, like, starting to, like, incorporate just moments of joy again, right? Like, what are the things that you used to do? How does you to connect with yourself or like friends when you were not in this relationship or before that and then slowly starting to incorporate more of the things that are maybe sensual or sexual because yeah it's really hard to just like feel super sexy and confident post-breaker but if we kind

of come back away from okay sexual pleasure or sexual confidence and becomes just general confidence and general pleasure and then we can sound it sort of hone back in we can use things like toys. We can buy some new sexy lingerie for ourselves. We can take some sexy selfies of ourselves, like those sort of things that then start to make us feel a little bit more sexually confident again. One more thing. Reflect on how you're talking to yourself about yourself, especially at a breakup. Because, you know, what I was sort of saying before about the self-worth and our confidence can feel kind of low? What are we actually saying to ourselves? Like, are we saying, like, I'm not sexy enough or, you know, I wasn't good enough

or I wasn't this enough. And if we are, like, that's okay because usually, especially most women in this world do have moments or, like, lots of thoughts like that, but just actually trying to neutralise them. So, like, you know, I have a body. Some people find my body sexy, even if this person didn't, or even if I'm telling myself this person didn't, other people will. And I am, you know, a sexual person and I do deserve pleasure and starting to neutralize

and, like, switch those sort of. stories that we have to more positive things. Because, yeah, the way we talk about ourselves is really, like, 100% of how we feel in ourselves. And I think, like, you can tell when someone, you can tell when someone, like, speaks negatively to themselves because the way they carry themselves is very, like, babe, like, how are you missing what I'm, like, seeing? Do you know what I mean? This is just reminding me of something, because before my ex, I probably did speak negative to myself and grab like props to him like he didn't give it to me but he gave he allowed that like space in my mind to then be able for myself to like give it to myself so now thankfully

I haven't had this but one thing I was really scared of if I ever did go through a breakup with him would be that I would go back to my negative thoughts before I'm happy that I didn't but I feel like some people might and that like if they link their happiness or they link their confidence to one person they're never going to feel happy because like You need to find that confidence and that self-worth within you. Like, the home that you build for yourself is what you have ultimately. And that's where you can let the best people in. Yeah.

And I'm really glad that you continue to carry those stories. Like, even if, yeah, you can be like, thanks to that person because they actually started to help me reframe and rewire the way that I talk to myself. Yeah. But actually then that you've been able to take that on with you outside of that relationship. That's awesome. Yeah. One good thing from him.

I'd be like all relationships, like they teach you valuable lessons, and they do help you build up confidence. Like, as a heterosexual woman, like, of course I'm going to feel great when another man tells me I'm great. Like, that's how I'm biologically wired. Yeah. And that's where, like, I guess, kind of, like, the rebound, like going out and finding, like, a fun sexual experience off the back of the breakup

can actually be really helpful for us in, like, like feeling sexually confident and noticing, yeah, people are interested in me and, like, if it's not this person and, like, there are plenty of other vision to see. Hang on, let's stop this for a sec. Subscribe and follow the breakup diet. You don't want to miss another episode. We always, like, talk about, like, decentering men, but it's crazy to, like, the idea of, like, decentering men in a sexual context.

Like, that's something I've never thought about because, yeah, like, my pleasure is important. And, like, I shouldn't have to wait for a man. to feel that pleasure, if that makes sense. Yeah, that's what toys are for, honey. There you go. There we go. I need some recommendation. What's like something that feels like a human being?

There's plenty of, like, lifelike dildos and... Human temperature. Oh, no, another one. Human temperature. Yeah, you can move up their hands and a bit of loom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. That is really good to know. Because like, like the whole thing about toys, sometimes it can be intimidating because it's essentially a machine. Sometimes you do want it to be a bit human-like, so it's not too like. Because these toys, like some of them, especially like the new ones, these new models don't exist, didn't exist like 20 years ago. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You'll see. I mean, if you, yeah, if you have a look on the Love Honey website, there are like thousands. It's like where do you begin?

Like, where do you start? Maybe we can get Christine to recommend, like, to and we can put it in. That's how I was asking, yeah. Yeah. So what's, like, your top two recommendation? Well, these are not, like, human-like, in a sense, although there are some really good dildo recommendations that I can send you that look exactly like,

probably exactly like the cock that you can't stop thinking about. But when it comes to, like, pleasure products that, also decenter, like, men and penises. Yeah. I think, like, your clitoral suction toys are, like, I find it so hard to go past recommending them first for women because they, like, the womanizer brand, um, have, like, the best kind of range of, um, clitoral suction toys, whether they're just the external clitoral suction or dual stimulation.

So you can have that internal more like cock like feel. Um, but they just go above and beyond for, for female pleasure and for clitoral pleasure. What about one just for like G spot pleasure? Yeah. So there's, so you can get glass, which actually if you want something that's like, is not safe. Yeah. Yeah. So if you want something that has like temperature, you know, that you can temperature control a little bit more than definitely something like that. Otherwise, anything that has like a curved shake that actually supports accessing the G spot, which is kind of in that like come hither motion. Yeah. There's lots of options for those. And ones that vibrate, ones that pulse, ones that suck.

you name it oh my god there's so much that's so exciting i feel like people should use breakups as a way to just figure themselves out sexually it doesn't have to come from another person 100% and actually the best sex that you can have with a partner is when you know yourself about yourself and you know the things that you need yeah amazing i'm going to switch back for somebody that like is always in a relationship and jumps from relationship to relationship what's something that they can do to really feel just secure and not and break that cycle you know because i i know quite a few people that do just jump jump jump because they're scared to be alone i used to be like but as well yeah but how can they actually like break doing that

i suppose if it's something that you see that is a real pattern of behavior they may be speaking to like a therapist um or like a support group or reading something like attached which is an amazing attached is amazing that healed me seriously one thing So I, like, discovered that I'm an anxious attachment person. I'm like, oh, this can't repeat again. I guess, like, getting external resource. But I think, like, the main thing that comes up for me around this is that we pedestal romantic relationships as, like, these are the main relationships.

And so everything else, like, kind of just, like, sits below in this weird hierarchy. But the reality is, like, you think about people who feel, like, I can't, I have to be in a relationship because otherwise I feel, like, insecure or lonely. or isolated or whatever. It's like you actually probably have a lot of really, really securely attached relationships in your life that are not romantic and sexual. Like the relationships that women have with each other are more secure

than any like hetero man is probably going to be able to provide you, unfortunately. And I think if we just kind of redefine or just start to think about what does it mean to be like secure and have relationships versus being single. Like if we're surrounded by friends and family and we focus on those relationships when we're not in a romantic or sexual relationship

with someone else, then we can see that we have, like, security and that we can have that within ourselves, like focusing on the relationship with self, but even just noticing that we have those other relationships that are there. And actually, like, the research continues to show that single childless women

are the happiest population subgroup. So, yeah, yeah. I'll tell them that ladies for the win. You don't need to have this romantic sexual relationship at all times in order to be secure and have secure relationships. Yeah, that would be what I would say about it, is like actually thinking about it from a bigger picture perspective. I think it would be hard if, like, everybody around you is in relationships then,

and then you're, you feel like you're, it's not that you are, but you feel like you're almost not good enough to have one or not good enough to, like, be wanting. wanted by somebody else. I think that's the hardest thing of that. So yeah, obviously rewiring and stuff would help. Oh, 100%. And the thing is reality is that a lot of people in long term, like, hetero relationships, the women are putting in so much work. So I feel like, oh, I'm not missing all on anything. Like, it's nothing to do with the fact that, oh, I can't keep a man. It's, I don't want to keep them if they're mean. If they're like that, totally. And I think this really is just like unraveling the social conditioning that women have.

received that like to be in a relationship and marry and have children is like the goal because if you actually think about it and you look at yeah if you're a single person and all your friends are in relationships and you do like a bit of a like review you know an external review of these relationships are they the relationships you want to be in like in 81 or two of them you might be like yeah that like that looks like the relationship that I would want but probably most of them especially long-term relationships like yeah it's kind of fucked out there. Isn't it so crazy that out of all the things a woman can achieve, it's somehow a relationship and a marriage that gets celebrated? Like, I could create a new physics, like, theory that could

help all of us fly to space. How is that not as good of an achievement as... Is that in the pipeline? I mean, girl, maybe a dilder, the first dilder to go up in space. Isn't it crazy that, like, out of anything that you can achieve, achieve that is what celebrated. Yeah. And it is like shifting, you know, and I think this is it. It is like we're now seeing so much more research coming out about, yeah, like women choosing to say single, especially hetero women, because they are not willing to settle for the standard of men that's out there and the expectations that then fall upon them in relationships. I just don't want to be disrespected. And at this point, I feel like the men can only be nice to you

for the first three months. On average. Yeah. This kind of leads on to the next question because obviously with boys cheating and with boys not disrespecting you like guys disrespecting you how do you rebuild I guess trust in future relationships and not bring the shit from the past into your present relationship taking time time and I know it's like would be great if I was like this is the magic pill and this is what you can do but time to process and grieve and be angry and feel all of the feelings and all of the things around it because otherwise, yeah, we will, we will, especially if people then are like, okay, I feel lonely, I'm going to jump into the next relationship. We are going to carry that baggage. And to be

honest, like we carry with us every experience in the past anyway. But if you're someone who feels maybe it's happened a few times they've been betrayed or lied to, or maybe they even just have a story of like, I can't trust anyone or like all men are bad, then definitely, definitely seeking some support to, you know, I guess work through that because it's not true, even though it feels like it might be true. And again, what I was saying before about like prioritising or looking at potomic relationships is think about all the relationships you have with people that you trust, right, and people that trust you.

And so it's not a you thing. It's a them thing. And really just like coming back to that. And I guess in terms of like then, you know, I suppose that's like the off the back of a betrayal and then going into a new relationship, how can we have trust, like communicating needs and boundaries and relational agreements from day one.

Yeah. Super important. And I think what I've found in the work that I do and also like some of the research which is really interesting around like expectations around relationships and what is fidelity and infidelity is being really clear and not making any assumptions that whatever you consider to be not cheating or,

or monogamy or whatever version of a relationship you're in, that that's the same as the other person, because most of the time it is not. Like, there was this really interesting research. I was reading in prep for this, that 30% of people surveyed through Love Honey considered only fans to be cheating. If that's, like, one third of people are considering something like that,

that's a non-physical, like, non-emotional relationship, but there is an element of, you know, personalisation there, then, like, do you consider that cheating? and if so, like, being really clear with your partner about what that means. Because otherwise you, you know, no one really sits down and goes, okay, what is monogamy to us and what is, you know, fidelity and infidelity? We just have these assumptions and then we go into relationships and we get hurt because someone else, like, I didn't realize that was cheating or I didn't see it that way.

Like 85% saw, see penetrative sex as someone else's cheating, meaning 15% of people didn't. What? how my god then what is cheating to those 15% exactly it's why you're going to ask the question like what else could they what could they what that is great yeah I guess some people some people look at more like emotional cheating as more important or more significant or more of a betrayal

so like and I think yeah I mean that stat did surprise me as much as like I see people questioning like what fidelity and infidelity means all the time that yeah like to even that there are 15% of people out there they're going on dates with that wouldn't consider that cheating it's probably a good conversation to have so you can feel like you have a really solid basis that's what isn't isn't acceptable in this relationship it's probably going to haunt you now now that's going to be like my like how like fourth date so do you think this is cheating yeah yeah what do you include us cheating give me a list right now

Well, because you work with Love Honey, would you be able to create a vibrator that lobotomizes the traumatized part of your brain? I can definitely put it to the research team because I'm kind of like, you know what, I'd rather have a vibrator that heals like this part of my brain than to have this conversation where I'm like, so what do you think is cheating? This is a hard conversations to have. Yeah. And honestly, it's kind of like the downfall of most relationships is that we feel, we haven't

like learned the language of talking about, well, not just, not just about fidelity and infidelity, but about sex and about pleasure and about fantasy and, you know, all of the like hard conversations to do with sex and relationships. We've kind of just been like, I don't know, we just have to kind of wing it. And so people are terrified and so they don't have the conversations. And then they get fucked over or the relationships don't work because of it. Thank you so much for coming on the breakout diet and giving us lots of advice and clarity on sex and relationships and dating and how everything really does tie back to each other like not one thing is separate from one another thank you it's been so fun yeah thank you

but you talk to love honey tell tell them the idea that i've given you i'll definitely pitch it to them for sure perfect all right i'm executing You know, Oh, Mm-hmm. I don't know.