The Break-Up Diet - We’ve Got Some Bad Habits We Need to Break Up With!

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Ever notice how a breakup can feel like an emotional cleanse, changing not just your relationship status but your entire outlook on life? That’s what we’re diving into with the notion of the "Breakup Diet," exploring how breaking up with bad habits—whether it's jealousy, possessiveness, or poor communication—can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Brace yourself for some laughs as we share personal stories and self-assessments, all while tackling those uncomfortable conversations we often avoid. Our discussion sheds light on how generational and family dynamics shape our relationship habits, with a humorous twist on how social media can sometimes be more of a trap than a tool for connection.We’re peeling back the layers of toxic relationship habits, from the subtle to the glaringly obvious. What role do age and experience play in our openness and authenticity? We discuss how personal growth and self-awareness can transform us and our relationships for the better. By prioritizing ourselves and sometimes letting go of detrimental relationships, we can break free from negative patterns that hold us back. Alongside personal anecdotes, we touch on the irony of how some of us complain about toxic partners while exhibiting such traits ourselves. This episode is all about owning our story and paving the way for healthier connections.Supporting friends in toxic relationships can be as challenging as breaking our own bad habits. We dive into the frustration of watching loved ones accept poor treatment, exploring the roots of this behavior and the importance of addressing personal traumas before starting a family. Through candid reflection, we highlight the irony of ignoring red flags and justifying bad behavior with common excuses. Our conversation emphasizes self-awareness and vulnerability as tools to uncover deeper issues and foster nurturing, positive relationships. Let’s stop the cycle of blame and embrace change for ourselves and future generations.Send us a textInstagram:@the_breakup_dietTikTok:@thebreakupdietEmail: [e-mail]

Welcome back. It's been a minute. How have you been? I've been good and you? Well, I was seeing my ex for a bit and now I'm not seeing him anymore. That's it. Feeling okay? Yeah, I just feel like I don't have time to give anymore. Fair enough. Taking a lot of time this. Yeah, having a business like this is so time consuming. Anyway, today I was thinking that, well, we were thinking that we should be talking about bad habits and how to break up with your bad habits. Yeah, that is part of the breakup diet, breaking up with bad habits in relationships within yourself. Buckle up, bitches. It's going to get bumpy. this is the breakup diet what's one trait that you think you want to break up with that i have yeah maybe jealousy sometimes you don't strike me as a jealous person like a secret jealous really it is there if you know you know um but like you know when you don't bring up something straight away and you let it fester oh i'm that's i think that's a bad habit of mine because sometimes you don't want to bring up something yeah and then you sit on it it just no balls into the worst argument ever basically like a make or break level of

argument yeah literally so i want to get better at not letting that happen so letting the small things that really don't matter go and then when i have a actual problem bringing it up at the beginning so that way it's not this huge argument so breaking up with shitty communication skills yeah i need to work on my communication skills how would you get there how would i get there shitty communication skills. Yeah, I need to work on my communication skills. How would you get there? How would I get there? I don't know.

How would you get there? Just talk. Yeah, but it's quite hard to talk when you're in an argument. And you don't think of the right things. You always think of what you want to say after. Are you good in an argument? No, I think of the best comebacks maybe two years after it's a long time i'll relive that argument but it will be even the night or a few hours later and i'm like i wish i said that i feel like being like you know

when you said that part um actually i think this now and just like have a carrying on for another week after the conversation happened yeah but then you can't be bothered to do that because of how drained you feel oh it's awful it's a really tough one what about you what's a bad habit of yours that you would like to let go of I think I am a massive avoidant when it comes to either conflicts or just like little things where I'm like, oh, that made me feel uncomfortable. I think same as you, communication skills. I just wish I knew how to stand up for myself at that moment because I've gone through really random and unnecessarily like uncomfortable situations in dating in relationships and marriage

that i did not need to put up with yeah and that's a habit that i really need to get rid of why do you think we both have bad communication do you think it's just our generations? I was going to say, were we neglected as kids? No. You might be, but I wasn't. Sorry. Yeah, I think mine probably stems from childhood. I can't lie. I can't imagine it from being your childhood because your parents are nice.

Your parents are great. Maybe I must have felt neglected. I did go to boarding school. Are you the middle sibling as well i'm the youngest that could be it why because you've got all these older siblings kind of being the elder ones and you know asserting their dominant yeah maybe maybe you're onto something and you have a big age gap with your siblings right yeah the smallest age gap is five years oh my god yeah that could be it sorry not relationship yet oh just trauma dumping our family stuff right here you can't even break up

with your family you know you can get emancipated does that mean when you get like a divorce from your parents yeah you have to be like 16 or something i remember my dad told me that he was like you know you can divorce me at the age of 16 i was like brilliant give me the papers was that his hint of like telling you to just get out get out earn your own money stop leeching off me i'm like no no i'll still be there i'll be there forever i'm not going anywhere so what do you think are some common bad habits that people have in relationships? I think jealousy is a massive thing. Possessive.

Possessive. Am I pronouncing that right? Possessiveness. I think. The P word. Jealousy how? Like, in what way? I can think of so many ways of jealousy in relationships because I've been there, done that.

Looking at their follower count, when it goes up by 20 girls. 20? Oh, yeah, there are certain nights where I see his profile and I'd be like, oh, he's followed 20 girls on the Saturday night. How many girls did he talk to? That is one active man. But then only two of them would follow him back. He's counting his losses, isn't he?

He's trying to spread his spread his what holy moly it's just i was gonna say spread his seed and then i was like oh my god he's trying to please don't cry and it's like when they follow insta models yeah why at 2024 are you still following alexa's friend yeah come on 2016 was eight years ago yeah grow up but also i don't get when guys go and follow loads of girls like instagirls or just like pretty girls on instagram and then when new girls look at their page they're gonna be like why do you follow 500 girls and 10 males it's weird and. And it's not even girls that they know. No, they don't know them.

That's what I mean. Just random models. Just hot girls. Hot girls. Maybe this is just me, but like if I go on there and see he follows all these just hot girls, I'm like, ew. No, like for me, that screams off porn addict. Like you have to constantly just be looking at pretty girls all the time. Unattainably pretty girls all the time unattainably

pretty girls yeah porn addicts are terrible no genuinely they have this like weird darkness in their eyes you obviously met one i'm not gonna say it's legal purposes now you know who it is now i know who it is rape how is that bad habit watching porn genuinely and i don't know who it is. Break up with that bad habit. Watching porn. Genuinely. And I don't want to be too explicit, but when you're with them, you can tell that they're porn addicts because the stuff they want to do is so vulgar and you're like, oh, like, do you not care about me as a human being? I have to ask, how did you find out?

Did you walk in? Oh, I've walked in on them watching it. But then there are some guys, they just watch so much of it and they project that shit in real life. The worst thing is when I walked in on them, it was someone that didn't look like me. I don't know whether that's bad or worse. Yeah, what is that about?

Like the whole etched out BBL abs, the piercings, the tat. Because like he shot his laptop and I'm like, no, no, no, open that, open that. I want to see, I want to know what your type is. Just thinking like, oh, maybe if it looks like me, it'd be like, oh, like hee hee. But I don't think that's even hee hee. Otherwise that's like a fetish if he like looks at people like me as well. Yeah, when he can have the real thing. Exactly.

But why is he watching porn if you're're there that's what i don't understand like if you weren't there i was there like i'll ask i'm next door yeah instead of opening your computer men need to break up with that habit genuinely and what's scary is that kids have access to it so early on now it's like at age six they can just go on the hub with their ipad really that is just i don't want to talk about porn anymore i'm just like reliving my worst nightmare let's list off some bad habits just to get people thinking okay lack of appreciation yeah that is a good one or if it's like one-sided too oh my gosh when yeah one party makes an effort and the others doesn't yeah i've had a horrible experience so mine and my ex's our

birthdays were a day apart his birthday was a day before me. And I did the whole shebang, like, you know, the massive balloons, the fancy cake, decorated the room, surprised him. And then the morning after, when it was my birthday, he printed out what he was going to get me. Ew. He printed out a picture of a Rolexlex and goes i'm gonna get you this you're like where is it it's like why would you tell me why would you not just get me the present for my birthday instead of going downstairs to concierge be like hey bro can you make it in color

that is weird and then did he ever get it for you no No. Did he ever get you anything? No. In the bin. Another like bad habit I think about would be codependency. So if you can't not be with that person. Oh no, that's the worst. You've had that. I've had that word to the point where I couldn't sleep without him. Even if he was in the next room, like this man does not sound very good. Porn and video games.

I'm going to take a guess. It's the same person. So he'd be playing video games in the next room and I man does not sound very good porn and video games i'm gonna take a guess it's the same person so he'd be playing video games in the next room and i'd cry being like please just come to bed like i can't go to sleep without you that is codependency at its worst and i will never go through that ever again why did you have that i was just really insecure because he cheated on me oh what if he's like in the next room like yes he's playing video games but what if he's like chatting to so many other girls or like watching more porn do you think porn's cheating we're going back to porn i don't think it is but i think it's cheating if he's talking to those girls so if he's talking to an only fans girls okay okay but not i'd say like

google yeah i get that ethically i'm like no those girls should make money but no because that's more than just like him looking at it they're having conversations there's like a connection i guess through his membership so you know how in relationships people normally take like a long time to break up with the bad habit because they get stuck yeah why do you think people get stuck from my experiences you're either stuck because you might be financially abused, where you rely on them for rent and all that stuff, or back down to you where you've got low self-esteem and you think, oh, this is the best I can get.

He's got all these other amazing qualities and you put him up on this unrealistic pedestal, which is so not fair on yourself. Yeah. And I think it's this generation of dating where everyone's grim and you just think, this is as good as I can get. Yeah. And then you kind of compare.

I think comparison is a bad habit too actually hundred percent everyone's trauma dumping and you're thinking oh my man is not bad as my friend's man yeah my man's not as bad because he never takes me out but then my friend's man who always takes her out always cheats on her yeah that was an example that's not my man no no definitely not give me like three of your personal bad habits my personal bad habits as my like as a single person yeah yeah i'm an avoidant i'm a doormat in that i'm just yeah whatever people want to do i'll just follow i don't really care even though there are times where I'm like, oh, I just wish we like did this instead. I think it still stems down to the fact that I can't communicate properly.

Yeah. Basically, whatever problem you have as a single person, you're going to translate that into your relationship. So you better sort that shit now. Yeah, I get you. What would mine be? Mine would probably be. As an individual, do you have any bad habits that you bring

to the relationship? Yeah, insecurities. They probably come in. Porn addiction. Porn addiction sometimes, only on Saturdays though. Latino men. What did you say? Latino men.

Latino men. Footballers. Oh, I don't know. No, definitely not them. latino man what did you say latino man footballers no definitely not them maybe i'll go for something like just say footballers when your man watches this he'll be like oh i'm happy no he won't he'll be like what other footballer should just be me my bad habits would probably be bringing my own insecurities in, jealousy to a certain extent, and then also I feel like I'm quite unemotionally available. It really took a long time for me to be open with my boyfriend. I think it's an age and experience thing.

This is your first major relationship, right? Yeah. These things just take time. But I feel like some people can be like so authentic whereas like i am authentic you are but there is definitely levels that i mean it's normal on human to be guarded to an extent i think that's just what you're doing and i don't think that would be disrupting your relationship well it does because sometimes you can't go further with a relationship not that i would want to go further right now but i mean like you can't progress yeah progress

so it stops you doing that how would someone get over these kind of bad habits what's a way to just end it apart from i don't knownosis. I feel like with any bad habit, you have to recognize that you have the bad habit first. Self-awareness goes a long way. Yeah, how can you fix something if you're not aware of it and then also if you don't want to change it? That's the worst thing, a stubborn person when they know it, but they won't change. I know.

It's hard to know what is a real habit i think and what is just like that relationship is toxic yeah you know because maybe it's not a you problem it's a them problem yeah and they're just bringing out the worst version of you yeah that's when you gotta end it when you feel like you're losing yourself and turning into this bitter negative person so with all these bad habits how can somebody bring it up to their partner without them having like a massive argument because i sit on stuff like i said in the beginning when i do bring it up maybe doesn't the delivery isn't good and then we get into a huge fight how can somebody not get into a huge fight? I think the key is for you to be super vulnerable and for you to ask your person what you want right now. So I would say, hey, like, I want to chat to you something.

It's coming from like a really good place and I just want to fix it. And I want you to be patient with what I have to say. Yeah, you could say something along the lines of like, I don't know what you were meant by this, but it makes me feel this way. Yeah, put it to yourself as opposed to you did this, you did that. Just say, I feel that way. Because somebody can't really argue with how you feel. Yeah, exactly.

They can argue with what you accuse them of doing. So that's how you win the argument. Yes. Little manipulation. Just the tiniest dose of you. I don't care if it's not correct. That's how I feel. God, that's so toxic.

So, Ilma, if you had a partner that had like a bad habit, so say they were very jealous and very possessive of you, how would you help them be willing to change? Like without just saying you need to change because let's be honest, that's not going to work. Oh, I can't lie. I've been there, done that with a jealous, possessive person. I can't do it again.

I will ghost them. Genuinely, I'm sorry, this is like not the in-depth level of answer I was hoping to achieve, but genuinely, I've been in the worst toxic relationship where my ex was so jealous, so possessive. What does that even mean? Like give me some examples of those sorts of things. Like what, he would control what you wear, control what you do.

Control what i wore hated the fact that i would hang out with men even if they were gay he would impose all these rules for me so i can't drink after a certain time i can only have two drinks if i'm out with friends i can't hang out with how would he know if you weren't i don't know drunk and drunk calling him or something um i can't hang out in group situations where the guy to girl ratio isn't the same. These are wild. Really, really bad. Only for him to cheat on me.

Honestly, my advice, not entertain it. Jealousy and possessiveness is a trait that they will never, ever try and overcome. And it's not yours to fix but you can have minor jealousy because a little bit of jealousy i think is healthy yeah it's like it shows that they care a little bit you know what i mean you can't control me but i need to like know that there's some sort of fire in there minimal amount of jealousy i could handle is if they're like oh are, are you wearing that? No, you look really great, but whoa. It is hard. Like I've never been in a situation where I've been with somebody that's been like, you can't wear this. You can't do that. You can't

say that. I can't hang out with that person. I feel like I would find that very hard. Oh my God. Imagine them like picking and choosing which friends you can hang out with. And then also you do it too. You think you love this person and you don't want to be without them. And like, you know, the argument's going to be bad and you know how much drama it's caused that you just don't do it. So you suppress yourself. Oh, it's hard, but don't do it. I'm telling you guys, don't do it.

Choose yourself always. There are sometimes some habits are just with that person and to let that habit go you gotta let that person go and what about a habit of like having somebody that neglects the other person's personal space so like you to your ex i think that's where you'd need to investigate where is that level of insecurity coming from? Where is that neglect coming from? Yours was definitely because you got cheated on. Yeah, for sure.

Because I can see that happening. If I had something like that happen, I could see myself doing that too. Because you just want to like be with them because you know if you're with them, they're less likely to do it. Yeah, and you have that peace of mind that, oh, okay, he's next to me. Surely he can't cheat while he's next to me. Would you look at your partner's phone? Yeah, how else do I find out he cheated on me?

I don't know how somebody just goes, give me your phone, let me look at it. Oh, I would die. Even if I had nothing wrong there. You feel like you've done something wrong even if you haven't. You just have guilt because say like the early days when you're dating you kind of make fun of them no i don't make fun of them how i don't know you just make fun of them with your friends because you don't when you're dating like multiple people you don't call them by their first names unless they've proven themselves worthy so you

call them like i don't know broke guy or hedge fund guy or i don't know like football guy you just have all these like names for them what if it like comes up that's the thing what if that comes up and they want my phone so the only time i've had something like happen where someone's seen my phone like that would be this one time i was seeing this guy and it ended and obviously i think i liked him quite a lot i did like him quite a lot i like a few years later i ran into him in the airport and we end up sharing a car back and i don't know how but like he obviously looked at my phone for something or i don't know saw his number and like against his name i had all these like vomit emoji and like gross emojis basically and he was like haha why is that on my name and i was like oh my god no idea

oh my why was that vomit name to begin with? You can tell us. I think I just thought he was slimy. So I like put all this slime and vomit and like, because he was, but like I still wanted him to want me. Validation is a hell of a drug. That is a bad habit too. Oh,

seeking validation. Holy moly. It's like heroin injection. You don't want somebody to not want you, that you don't want them. Oh, it's like heroin injection. You don't want somebody to not want you that you don't want them. Oh, it's terrible. It's weird. And even if you don't care. You still care because you still want them to want you.

Are you doing anything to work on that? No. No. I did talk about it with my therapist, and she just said that it came down to me being abandoned blah blah blah you have a therapist so you must talk over these bad habits yes and does it help it helps in that she injects self-awareness into me okay and with that self-awareness i can definitely be a bit more calmer in dating situations or even just general situations. I can approach it with like a few deep breaths.

That's like an advice. Were you self-aware before you had a therapist or no? No, not at all. I don't know if I am self-aware or not. I think I am quite self-aware. I feel like I know that I don't want to be aware sometimes too. Sometimes it's just nice to live in bliss yeah ignorance have you ever had when your therapist has told you something and you'd be like no that's not right

she's always right my therapist is always right and it just oh i mean i get my money's worth out of her but wow like the self-awareness that i get injected with i'm like oh great would you what would you do for somebody that doesn't have like a therapist or something how would they become self-aware because how did you even make this is another question but how did you even make the decision to get a therapist was it after your divorce yes yeah things were so bad that you just needed answers to cope and it's helped me massively and the power of self-awareness has definitely prevented me in being in shitty relationships and you can pick up on things because you she's told you things about yourself that make you see it in other people it's like

if you get a nose job then you notice other people's noses yeah yeah if a man is really insecure that i think that's a bad habit because they will drag you down they'll like make snarky little comments that then drag you down even if you're a goddess oh my god yeah in every department doesn't just have to be looks it can be like any department yeah like intelligence personality i don't understand they will go for women that are well like above them only for them to just basically butcher her up and bring her down yeah and then you end up feeling like you're not good enough to be with them that's the worst yeah i can't tolerate that stuff and i can't even listen to other people in relationships like that because i just want to shake the girl be like look you know he's like putting you down get out you're in that situation would you now i would but obviously 100 yeah

definitely 100 that's why i've never been in a situation since my marriage where someone's like put me down this is as good as I'm going to get. I feel like lots of people think that. So they stay in a relationship, even if it's not good, because of the fear of not finding something better. Sometimes the better is just you being single and thriving. And we need to normalize that. Yeah.

I think it's just that people get scared being single because you don't have that comfortability of just calling somebody and being able to talk to them about your problems, that support. No, I completely get that. But you'd rather just have people look at you and ask why is she single than why is she with that terrible person? Yeah, yeah. But whether they know he's a terrible person

and it's not just like hidden behind the door. Yeah. Yeah. But whether they know he's a terrible person and it's not just like hidden behind the door. What would you do for somebody that is, you know, being self-aware, taking the steps to get out of their bad habits? Because obviously things take time to develop and like for you to be at a place where you are like yourself. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's still like a work in progress, but progress is progress and it's better than being in a shitty relationship. But how do you keep somebody motivated to keep making the progress? It's hard, but you know,

they keep getting into bad, bad situations, even though they've made self progress. What do you do then? Like what's something that somebody can do? Oh, I just feel like when's something that somebody can do oh i just feel like when it's that complicated it's just a journey that they have to go through on their

own and we just have to just watch yeah we all get there in the end i had to get married to find out you know married and divorced to find out how i deserve to be treated. Have you ever had somebody where, like a friend, been in a really bad relationship and just not got out and had... So what do you do as a friend to her? I can't be around her when she talks about her boyfriend. Genuinely, like, I can't't entertain it is this because you have entertained it so many times and now you're fed up of entertaining it yeah a hundred percent so it's like the same recycled story yeah basically and it's like okay at that point it makes me

hate women no no no no no genuinely hate women no no these women are being so desperate and dumb for what for crumbs and i'm gonna be like no he's trash when actually like i just want to bring the mirror to her face yeah we i don't know women entertain so much bullshit that it makes me like okay i can see why men are the way that they are because they can get away with it there's so many women that let them get away with it yeah starting from their moms yeah if you want me to tell you you're beautiful i will a hundred percent do that but i'm not gonna talk shit about your man when you accept him the way that he is and that he's gonna be here in 10 minutes time for dinner like i'm not

that's the awkward thing and then like they bitch and bitch and bitch about the same problems and then they turn off and then guys there and you're like oh yeah like i think it's okay to do it a few times like in general because yeah i don't know you vent to your friends whatever but it's when it's fundamental problems that like have been around a long time then you got to tell them at one point you got to tell them be like look i can't talk about this anymore elma what is the biggest red flag that you've seen people just ignore in relationship say when i meet someone's boyfriend for the first time and they're being rude to the waiter ew and i'm like to like, girl, how have you not noticed this?

Ick. That is gross. If they're rude to the waiter, that's just like, why? It doesn't do anything. It just makes the experience bad. It's just embarrassing. Oh, one of my exes blew his vape to the security guard, to the bouncer. And I just felt so deeply disgusted.

And it was all my uni friends. So icky. That's icky to feel that you're more entitled than somebody else just because of like a job. But just because of what? I don't get it. He had no job. All all that arrogance where is that coming from childhood that's what it boils down to you gotta be you gotta be careful when you're you know bringing kids into the world i think like i don't think people think about this as much as they should actually like even if you have a great home there are so many small things that you might not realize it's a

problem that go into your kid which is so scary i think like i find that really scary like your bad habits of your parents even if they might be minor things that you think, they get passed on. They definitely do. They get passed on and, like, the kid, I don't know, releases it in a really different way. Yeah. Or they might have, like, a combination of the two. Yeah. And it just becomes, like, oh, ten times worse.

Like, both of you have to be, like, completely healed from any trauma to be able to even entertain kids. And willing. No sex before the trauma's been healed. Yeah, literally. Straight up. Yeah. healed from any trauma to be able to even entertain kids and willing no spikes before the trauma's been healed yeah literally straight up yeah watch porn that's why they watch porn have you ever had somebody when they've just complained about their partners bad habits and everything complained about this and then they're actually the one. Oh, they're the problem? Yeah.

Yes. Oh, my God. A lot of my girlfriends. No, like, genuinely. Give me an example of, like, something. Yeah, there are some examples where I'm like, oh, like, you're the one that's just being really toxic, like, giving your man the silent treatment.

Like, grow up. Talk to him. If there's a problem, talk to him if there's a problem talk to him communicate yes i think that's like the moral of this episode improve your communication and ban porn yeah that is so if you're watching that's what all you need to do for the rest of time porn it will fix your relationship rental Have parental control on your boyfriend's phone. Yep. And communicate, make yourself vulnerable.

No. Emma, how can you recognize your own bad habits in a relationship? Putting my pride aside. Being a bit self-aware. Being vulnerable. Yeah, and also I feel like if you're always having the same kind of arguments with your partner you look at those arguments and what they're about and then you can kind of find where what's going wrong yeah yeah you can kind of see the underlying of it

what's the underlying issue also you have to think about how you feel because if you're always feeling like drained or stressed then there's obviously something wrong as well do you know any really bad excuses that people use to try to cover up their partner's habit okay so my partner specifically because i did have a conversation with him about you know the jealousy the possessiveness i did tell him like i'm feeling suffocated and then he would say no babe it's because i got dumped when i was 10 years old from the love of my life and i haven't really like recovered even though it's been um 15 years i haven't really recovered you know you gotta give me more time with these things. And, you know, you've been my first girlfriend ever since then.

Get over it. It's just like, okay, you're. Yeah, you do have people say like, oh, he's just doing that because of his job. Yeah, his job. It's like, bro, isn't he just on Excel for his job? Like, get over it. Tell him to control save. Yeah.

Literally, oh, he's only doing that because he's really stressed at the moment isn't everyone because you're stressed you're gonna treat me like shit no no no that's not how it goes if you're stressed get a stress ball squeeze something on that note i think we better end yeah