The Break-Up Diet - You Don’t Miss Him. You Miss the Fantasy (With Madi Rouse)

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

Be honest… you don’t actually miss him — you miss the version of him you made up in your head.This week on The Break-Up Diet, we’re joined by breakup creator Madi Rouse, whose raw, no-BS advice has helped thousands of women navigate heartbreak, anxiety, and that “why can’t I let go?” phase.We get into:Why you’re not in love — you’re in limerenceHow hope after a breakup keeps you stuckFalling for potential (and why it’s your biggest red flag)Why stalking your ex is literally an addictionWhy men and women heal so differentlyHow to stop romanticising someone who couldn’t show up for youIf you’re “fine” but still checking his Instagram, replaying the relationship in your head, or secretly hoping he’ll come back… this episode is your reality check.It’s time to stop missing the fantasy — and start choosing yourself. 💔✨ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Buckle up, bitches. It's going to get bumpy. This is the breakup diet. Hi guys. Welcome to another episode of the breakup diet. Today we are joined by a very special guest, Maddie Ruse. You've probably seen her from TikTok giving advice and videos for breakups for people who are anxious, heartbroken or healing.

So welcome to the pod today. Thank you so much for having me. So my first question is, how did you get into doing breakup content and advice? advice content was there like a breakup that started it or? Yeah, I mean, I feel like all great stories sort of start with a breakup. So that's where my journey began. I had gone through a few breakups, you know, in my earlier 20s and then sort of came the breakup that shifted the trajectory of my life.

I didn't see it coming. It happened quite sporadically. And I sort of had never felt pain like that before. and I didn't know what to do with this pain. I felt so isolated, so alone, I had no one to turn to, like no one understood what I was going through. And it's not like I planned to start a TikTok. I was just like, I need an outlet to put my words like onto paper.

And I sort of just started talking about what I was going through, my experience. And I realized that, you know, there's so many people going through the same thing, like heartbreak and grief and loss is such a universal. or experience that we all go through. So in doing so, I felt a lot less alone. I sort of found my people and I was able to, yeah, turn this sort of pain into purpose. You know, five years ago, I would have laughed if someone had said,

like, this is what your life is going to turn into. It's funny what pain can do if you sort of push it in the right direction. And I think my goal with TikTok is just to highlight something that doesn't get enough credit, you know, breakups are one of those experiences that change your life and it's so hard to go through. And I just wanted to make sure that people knew that I was there. You don't have to be alone in this and that, you know, we're all going through it together. So that's, yeah, that's really where it started for me. So it wasn't your first breakup. It was like a few in. Yeah, a few in, a few in. I think, you know, I've always felt deeply, but it was this one particular

person that I had sort of fallen, like, so head over heels for. I saw a future with, like, I was so intertwined with him on like a mind, body, soul level. And I think when you lose that, it just like shakes your sense of reality. And yeah, it was, like, I'd never felt that way before. How long did it take you to get out of that, like, feeling? It's, I mean, it's been three years since that happened. And I would say it's only in this third year. that I've like really fully let go of that. I don't think you just let go of someone or forget someone that you were so like ingrained into.

But those really dark feelings took me a good year of like actual healing to sort of move on and see the gratitude and like the light in the situation. Oh my gosh. It's so hard, isn't it? It's so hard. And it's really confusing when you're in. the stages of a breakup because one day you might feel like kind of fine and then it will just hit you like the wave.

So hard. I mean, everyone says like grief and healing is not linear and it's so true. You can feel happy and then the next day you're like crying all over again or you're triggered by something. It really is just like a wave that you have to let crash over you and like roll and continue to like go. So yeah, it's a it's a hard experience to go through. but one that I think all of us should go through because it is like the most transformative thing.

Yeah, it is true. Like you kind of, I always say it when you go to like the lowest part is normally when you get like so much motivation to go the other way and you kind of shift because you're like, okay, no, no, no, I don't want to feel like that again. So it is good, but it's really, really crap when you're in it. It is. I think rock bottom is a good place to be because there is only up from there. When I was looking at your TikTok, you talked about limerence. I'd never even heard of that. Can you, like, explain it for the listeners and what it is and how you get over it? It's really interesting because, I mean, there's a lot of talk about limerence at the moment. I think it's something we've all experienced. We just now have, like, a term or a language that encompasses it right now. But limerance is not love. It's an addiction. It's being obsessed with the other. idea of who someone could be, not who they are in reality. The potential, basically. Yeah,

exactly. The potential, we like the rush, we like the ups and downs, the uncertainty of it all. We like the story that we build in our head rather than the reality of who this person is. And from what I've sort of like reflected on, because I mean, we've all sort of fallen victim to this, I think at one point in our lives. But what this person often represents is like, an unhealed wound or part of yourself that you need to look at on a deeper level. Like that is what this person represents. And like you're trying to fill that person with that gap that exists in your life. So I think to get through limerence is just to be like super honest with yourself

and about what this person is and what you're like not looking at from an inner sense. I think that is one of the hardest things where the breakup is breaking up with the idea of what you had of them or what your future could be. Like you said at the start, like when you imagine stuff of like how it's going to be and then it gets ripped away, it's like you're not just in the present you're thinking about further on too. Exactly. And I think we have to be really careful.

Like one of my biggest lessons, honestly, is not falling for someone's potential. You have to accept people as they are as you're standing in front of you because like that is the reality of what your relationship will be. You know, people obviously evolve and change. But, yeah, I think we just get attached to these fantasies. And when they don't happen, we get so disappointed. And that's what almost hurts more sometimes. It's hard to not think about the future, though, too, when you're in, like, in something with someone, to be fair.

So you're all that reminded me of my own, because I'm like, was I happy at one point in mine? And then I'm like, well, but why not? It is hard. So is that one of the biggest lessons that you've learned from one of your breakups is to not fall in love with the potential? Only one of them for sure. I would say, you know, I like to look at what breakups have taught me as a human being. And I think for me, like resilience was such a huge part of this. I think when you're broken down so much, you have no other option but to be strong for yourself, by yourself, without the comfort of someone else supporting you through that.

Because life is always going to throw you hard things. There's always going to be shit that you have to tackle. And if you have built that tolerance, that window of tolerance and resilience, you can actually get through something because you have survived the worst already. So that was a big one for me. And I think the second one was, I used to always laugh because I felt super unlucky in love because nothing has ever lasted. If we're measuring love by, you know, permanence, I never really had that.

But I now look at it as, like, I have been so lucky in love because I've been able to experience so many different forms of love. And all of those people have helped shape who I have become today. So, you know, although it's so painful, if you can get to a level where you look at it from so much gratitude and you look at the lessons, it like really shifts your perspective on breakups. And so it's nice to get to that point. Yeah, that is nice. And not looking at it necessarily is not a very much. earlier, but looking at it like that, because I could imagine if you have quite a few breakups or things that don't last that long, also myself, like before my ex, and even

that was only two years, I had lots of short. So I resonate with what you just said, because it makes you, even though it's not, it makes you feel like, after a while, maybe you're the problem or you're the, even if, even, obviously we all have things to, like, things we could work on internally, but it's not necessarily the case. It's just, you know, the relationship. Yeah, everyone we love leaves like a blueprint and a fingerprint on us that no one can erase. And I think that's like the beautiful part of it. Is there any red flags that you think people should look out for at the beginning of like relationships that you should be like, nope, you should go. Don't put up with that. There's so many. I always like to,

think of it as, is this person leading me or is this person ruling over me? Because if they're ruling over me, then I'm going to be feeling anxious all the time. They're going to make me afraid of losing them. They're going to make me second guess what I'm saying because I'm scared that they're going to walk away or I'm going to feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Like all of those things are a subtle red flag for sure. And then I think, you know, there's the obvious red flags, like love bombing really early on. I mean, everyone talks about this, but that is sort of a form of control, I think. Do you think you've got better with breakups as you've got older? I'm like an expert now, for sure. I mean, it doesn't get easier. Like every breakup is so layered and nuanced and

look so different, but I used to hold on so tightly to people because I never wanted to let them go. And, you know, I would let them tell me twice or three times that they didn't want to be with me or that it wasn't going to work out, whereas now, like, if I hear those words once, I'm not sticking around to hear it twice. So you do build up a tolerance and you spot things earlier on and you know your self-worth and like what you can bring to the table. But yeah, it's taken me 30 years to get to this point. How do you get somebody to stop hoping that they'll come back? Because I feel like a lot of the time when you go through a breakup, that is something big.

Even if you say you hate them, even if you say you're moving on, a lot of the time people secretly are like hoping that they're going to walk back in. From day one of the breakup, I think you have to drop the illusion of hope. And I didn't used to do this at all. But we hold on to hope as humans because we are not ready to explain. the full weight of what's just happened. We don't want to accept the reality. We don't want to fully grasp like, this is what I'm about to enter into. So we just think, okay, if I hope that they come back or if I hope that they change their mind or that time fix things, fixes things,

like hope keeps you stuck one foot in the past, one foot in the future and you end up going nowhere. And I think holding on to hope sort of leaves the decision of someone else. like in their hands and you never get to decide what you want moving forward. So as hard as it is to drop hope because we all need hope, but in the context of breakups, I think you just have to let that go, like from day one. Like that is the key to moving forward. And you never know obviously what the future holds. Never say never, but hope is what kept me stuck for years.

So I strongly, yeah, advise not to do that. Do you think that women and men do that? Because looking at it, at my friends and friends, I have both boy friends and girlfriends. And women, after a breakup, tend to be more sad. And I don't see them, like, going out and meeting new people as fast, whereas, like, I see men almost doing that. And this is, like, I'm being very general. but I always wonder is it because a woman, they don't want to put a foot wrong, basically, in that time,

that's just like the few, like maybe a month after or something, for the hope that they might come back, that they might ruin something if they go and get with somebody else or do something like that. So my question is, do you think that men and women have that stage at the same time of the breakup? But men and women inherently process breakups differently. I mean, there's so much research. on it. We, women are such emotional creatures like we need an outlet. We need to grieve. We need to cry. We need to like be in our feels for the first, however many months, whereas men have just grown up being taught to distract, to push down, to not feel their feelings. And, you know,

no matter who you are, eventually those feelings do catch up. So I think for women, we process earlier on. For men, they process just a lot later. And that's when sometimes you do see guys like circling back. But at that point, often, you know, the woman has, you know, already moved on or processed. So it's, yeah, our healing timelines are very differently just because of, you know, society, how we've grown up, how we're wired. That's what I think is really hard. For me, with my breakup, that was what was really hard because I went through it straight away. and was so sad, whereas, like, my ex at the time was, like, didn't, I think, I mean, he probably was sad, but it was, like, completely different.

Like, I was full of crying, whereas, like, he was going on holiday, you know, like, I was, I couldn't. And then I know later down the line it did, but at the first stage, that really hurt. And I found that really hard to believe because I was like, how can we be in love and have such a nice relationship? And it's not even seem to bother you that I'm not around. You know? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's one of the most jarring experiences because inside, like, you're dying and from the outside, when you're looking at them, you're like, how are you coping?

Like, how are you just living this normal life? And it almost feels like you're looking at a stranger and, you know, you want them to feel exactly how they feel. But the truth is that we all have different coping mechanisms. I think you have to get really good and not taking their behavior personally because you don't know what's going on beneath the surface. And like I said, emotions always catch up. Like you have to be a robot to not feel emotions. I like that you just said robot because that was the exact word that I used when I was like speaking to him after. I was like, who are you?

You're like a robot to me. Like that's not who I've known for the last two years. And I kept saying that. But now hindsight, as you said at the beginning, is a great thing because I have spoken to him since and we're fine now. But it took him a long time after to tell me that it was because that was his way of not getting close to me and not like going back on a decision. He like put up the walls and went robotic and was like he didn't want to feel bad for his decision or regret it. Yeah, which I totally get as well. As soon as you sort of start reopening the door or talking to.

someone or staying in contact. Like it is really easy to slip back into feeling and remembering how it felt like to be together. So yeah, some people just have to like put that wall in place to make sure that doesn't happen to protect themselves at the end of the day. That's all they're doing. It has nothing to do with you or your worth. It's just the only way that they can get through this. So yeah, again, like just do not take this part personally. Yeah, it's so hard. It is so hard to do. It's like all advice. It's so easy to give. And when you see your friend going through something, you're like, you should do this. But if you're the one living in it, it's like, it's so hard to take

and be like, believe it too. So hard. Honestly, like at the start of this breakup, like I was the crazy ex-girlfriend. Like, I felt like someone had hijacked my mind. Like, it didn't matter what advice someone gave me. Like, I was not going to listen. And yeah, hindsight is a. beautiful thing. Yeah. I mean, pain makes you do weird things, makes you do weird things. And that's normal and that's okay. Yeah, I was crazy too. I was, I became a full-on FBI agent. I can tell you that. Like I was looking at their Instagram and looking at who they were following, all this sort of stuff, which kind of leaves me on to like my next question. There's somebody that is doing that. Like, look checking their Instagram or something like that. You know what I mean? Keeping tabs on

where they are, what's some advice you would have for them to stop doing that? Because that is an addiction, checking stuff like that. For someone who's already doing it, I would say, what you're doing is you're looking for proof, right? You're looking for proof that you mattered, that they cared, that they've moved on, or they haven't moved on. But what you're seeing is, you know, a 10 second highlight reel. Maybe it's a photo where they've posted a drink and you're assuming that they're on a date. It's like your brain just fills in these gaps because it has no answers, but 99% of the time, those assumptions are false. They're not doing what you think that they're doing. So it's recognizing that for starters. And secondly, it's understanding that

every time you do this, you are reopening a wound that's been trying to heal. And it feels productive, but it breaks your heart every single time. And those like assumptions, they eat at you. And out of sight, out of mind, I used to hate that saying, but it rings so true because if you can't see what they're doing, if you don't know what they're doing, like you're just not going to be thinking about it. You're not going to be spiraling about it.

But the moment you attach yourself to one little following or a photo, like your life just spins out of control. So you have to cut that habit as quickly as you can. And if you can't, like, give yourself 10 minutes a day where you can stalk, spiral, cry, whatever it is. And then after those 10 minutes are up, like, you have to move. You have to get up. You have to exercise.

You have to. Emotions need motion to move through you. So, like, set a timer. And eventually that timer gets less and less. And that's sort of how you taper off from this addiction. But it is an addiction. and the sooner you can cut that, the better. Otherwise, you'll be two years down the track still stalking your ex.

And I don't recommend that. I had that. That was one thing that I did do. Everyone was like, don't do that. I could not help myself looking at the new people he was following. I know this is actually so psycho for me to admit. But like, you know, how you can Instagram doesn't show the correct order? Because I was looking so often at his following, I could work it out.

because although it doesn't show the correct order, if there was like a new girl kind of near the top, I was like, and it was not even, to be honest, it was like also half of the game of like working it out and then being correct if I did work it out. I know,

I know. I know, yeah. I mean, we've all been there. It's like curiosity kills the cap. You don't need to search for proof to know that you mattered to this person, to know that what you had was real.

And you almost don't want to ruin it. by finding these things that you don't want to find. Like, do you want to protect what that was for what it was at the time? Or do you want to completely dismantle it and hate this person? You sort of have to choose your battle there, unfortunately. Do you have a piece of advice for somebody going through heartbreak right now? Maybe like one message. Oh, it's hard to give one.

I can definitely give you two pieces of advice that I have learned. people used to always say to me like time heals everything. Just give it time and you'll feel better. And I agree with that to a certain point, but I think what you do with the time is what matters and what gets you through a breakup. You have to lay a life on top of itself, which means like new people, new experiences, new places. you have to show yourself that joy and a life exists outside this heartbreak. So, yeah, you can say that time heals, but you can sit there for the next six months to a year, not doing anything and still be in the same place.

Yeah, stalking their Instagram. Exactly. Exactly. Long heals, you have to, yeah, like make the best of that time. And secondly, we sort of forget how much, like, energy, time, love we put into another person and when that's gone you have all of this new energy that you can do with and so I think really like utilizing that time to you know focus on projects you've always wanted to do or travel or you know whatever you want to put into that energy you have to harness

that because at some point you will fall in love you will get married and like the cycle of giving energy to someone else starts all over again. So being single can be like one of the most important moments of your life and you don't want to look back. You know, when you're married with children, years down the track and think, shit, I wish I had done X, Y and Z. So yeah, just really using that time wisely, not seeing it as punishment, but, you know, it can lead to something beautiful. I think it's really nice being single. It's only because you don't have to think of anybody else, do you? So you get to, like, really be like, what do I love doing? What makes me happy?

Being single can be, yeah, like such a blessing. Don't tie your worth to being single. And, you know, the grass is always greener. I know people in relationships that aren't happy and they're like, my God, I wish I was single. So, yeah, it's just, it's a societal thing. I don't think it means. that there's anything wrong with you. I think it means that your standards are high and you're being picky and as you should, you know, if you're choosing a life partner, you should be picky. So, yeah, don't see being single is a bad thing. I think it's a great thing. You're a strong person if you're single and can walk away from a relationship without being scared that you won't find somebody else.

Yeah, exactly. And it's funny because you do always find someone else. Like, honestly, the amount of times I've said throughout my 20s, I'll never find anyone that good. I'll never find anyone again. I need to eat my words because you do always find someone again. It's just maybe it's not right now, but it doesn't mean it's not going to happen. Well, thank you so much. I did want to ask you one question about you. So at the beginning of the call, before we started the recording, you said that you were writing a book. Could you tell us a bit more about that? Yes. Well, when I was going through this breakup, which, you know, started my TikTok, I basically started writing about what I was feeling, what I was going through, how I was moving on, and the tools I was

using, because like I read every self-help book. I listened to every podcast and nothing truly reflected how I was feeling in that moment. And so over the last two years, accumulating all this, you know, like diary entry writing. I realized like I actually have a really powerful book here and I think it could help a lot of people. So yeah, I've basically put all my words and my experiences and my feelings as I've moved through the breakup over the last sort of two to three years into a book and I hope it can help a lot of people that, you know, don't know where to go, where to turn to in these situations. That's what I find something that's crazy about a breakup because your feelings are so intense at the beginning, even for months and months after, you know?

And then they can just switch one day that it's like, okay, I'm okay, it's okay. And that's just the wild change. It is, it is. Honestly, I look back at some of those words and I'm like, what? How are you in such a dark place? And it's funny, I actually met up with my ex. who the you know my tic-tock and this book is basically about and i hadn't seen him in three years and it was so crazy to look at someone who had caused so much pain and had so much power over me

now that i've changed so much to be like oh like you're actually just a regular human and i've actually evolved beyond you and it was yeah such an insane experience but it just shows like feelings aren't permanent, nothing lasts forever and like you do get through hard times. Oh, that's such a nice way to end it. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing all your advice. And it's so great to speak to you. Yeah, you too, you too. Keep healing.