The Comedian's Comedian Podcast - Emma Doran

Episode Date: October 10, 2025

Emma Doran did her very first stand-up gig while on maternity leave - she won best act that night and hasn’t stopped gigging since! As well as sold out tours across Ireland and the UK, Emma has appeared on Last One Laughing hosted by Graham Norton and published a bestselling memoir which explored family, friendship, young motherhood and taking risks.We discuss how becoming a parent built discipline, focus and work ethic, why Emma has never released a full show and why she now wishes she had, why it’s easier to express anger and vulnerability on stage than in real life, the connection between self-worth and performance, why comedians are so hard on themselves and is Emma Doran happy…I need YOUR HELP for Episode 500! Complete the ComComPod survey 👉 stuartgoldsmith.com/surveyJoin the Insiders Club at patreon.com/comcompod where you can WATCH the full episode and get access to 30 minutes of exclusive extras inc the incremental (not viral) approach to building an audience that sells tickets, knowing when to kill a joke and why comics need to step outside the Edinburgh bubble.Support the Podcast from only £3/month at Patreon.com/ComComPod✅ Exclusive access to full video and ad-free audio episodes✅ 30 minutes of exclusive extra content with Emma✅ Early access to new episodes (where possible!)✅ Exclusive membership offerings including a monthly “Stu&A”PLUS you’ll get access to the full back catalogue of extras you can find nowhere else!Catch Up with Emma:Emma Doran is on tour with EMMACULATE throughout the UK and Ireland until April 2026.Find all the dates and more at emmadorancomedy.com.Everything I'm up to:See me live (when there's dates!)… Find out all the info at stuartgoldsmith.com/comedy.Discover my comedy about the climate crisis, for everyone from activists to CEOs, at stuartgoldsmith.com/climate.See Stuart live on tour - www.stuartgoldsmith.com/comedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stu here. Episode 500 is somehow fast approaching. It's already in the cat. I can't wait for you to hear it. I need your feedback. I want to gather some data on your favourite episodes, your best moments, see if there's any fun anecdotes I can uncover along the way. Something must have happened in your life in nearly 500 episodes of podcasting. And as a thanks for taking part, myself and producer Callum, will be gifting an Insider's Insider 12-month membership on Patreon to one lucky respondent. You can pay this forward if you're already one. The survey's super short, all the questions are skippable, and this would mean a lot if you could just take five minutes out of your day to go and fill the thing in. Head to Stuartgoldsmith.com slash survey, or the link is in the show notes. There's going to be a very short break in September before we approach that milestone, but lots of exciting stuff in the works.

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Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Hello there and welcome back to the show. I'm Stuart Goldsmith today on the Comedians Comedian podcast, which is this podcast. I'm talking to Emma Doran, who did her very first stand-up gig while on maternity leave, winning Best Act on that night, and she hasn't stopped gigging since, as well as her sold-out tours across Ireland and the UK, Emma has appeared on Last One Laughing in Ireland,

hosted by Graham Norton, and she's also published a best-selling memoir, exploring family, friendship, young motherhood and taking risks. I think it was Brett Goldstein that first suggested I get Emma on. I've got a hazy memory of a message from Brett. Apologies to Brett, if it wasn't, but if it was and you're listening to this, this is a banger, thanks for the suggestion.

In the first half of this episode, we're going to discuss why Emma has never released a full show and why she now wishes she had. We'll talk about how becoming a parent, particularly so young, built discipline, focus and work ethic. And you know I'm always an enormous... I'm enormously impressed whenever anyone becomes a comic

when they're already apparent. So congrats to anyone listening. If that's you and you've managed to pull that off, I'm permanently impressed. And we'll also discuss why it's easier to express anger or vulnerability on stage than in real life. You can get instant access to the full video

and ad-free audio episodes of all of these, I think the last 100 episodes must have video by now, plus more besides. All on Patreon. By joining The Insiders Club for £3 a month, you get 30 minutes of exclusive extra content with Emma Doran, the exclusive membership offerings, including the monthly stew and A,

which I haven't been asked to do for ages, so I can imagine Evil Producer Calam's going to slam me with two of those shortly, but that's why I love him. You will be the first to hear guest announcements as well, including tasty little teasers about episode 500, which is fast approaching. That's kind of a big birthday for the pod, really, isn't it? Find out more at patreon.com.com.com.

Here is Emma Doran. Welcome to the show, Emma Doran. Great to have you. Thanks for having me. Are you in Dublin at the moment? Do you live in Dublin? Yes. I live in Dublin. And I'm actually going over to London later on today.

But presently, as we're speaking, I'm in Dublin. Good timing. lovely i'm in bristol so it's not always that um convenient but i saw your show your PR sent me you kind of shared me like your uh your uh vicar street show and is that what's whereabouts is which was brilliant i just thought it was fantastic and i tell you what as well it was it was one of those shows where several times throughout it i thought of specific people i wanted to share it with which i always think is like the mark of like really you know what i mean the show if i say shareability, that sounds the most awful

weasley thing, but you know what I mean, seeing a thing and going, oh, I know, I know someone who'll love that. I think that's the mark of like, you know, that's a good vibe. Where is that show in its life? Has it been released yet? Is that a pre-release copy? Is it for release? Is it just for you? Just for me? I've never

released it. So that show, I would have finished it up around June. So say the tour itself would have been kind of end of March and then I had one kind of stand-alone Vicker Street in June that was just like another add-on and yeah, so the last time I did that show was in June

I've actually never released a show on YouTube or whatever. I don't know why, I haven't. But I feel like then when you're finished with a show, I just feel so far away from it maybe. By the time I get into the next show, I feel like I'll be looking at it, go, oh, God. And is it also, because presumably you, I mean, will you clip that show up? Will you put chunks of that show on your, you've got a good social media presence and angle and you're into it and you're doing it really well?

Yeah. So does that mean that the value of that material to you is more into, like now, the value of the recording of that material? Yes. Is more about the clips than the actual special. No, do you know, I think actually, Now, you know, because I've obviously been doing it a little while, a little while, I think if I think I just should have put out the special. Do you know what I mean? It was a mistake.

To have the show and I still could and I think I probably still will, but I think to have the show in its entirety as a show. So like the show I'm going to be touring now, that is my third tour. you know like proper torn around show and I feel now I'm only really just starting to get into the a show like really thinking of the whole thing as a show and not tackling it in chunks yes so not that I wasn't aware before that it was a show but I feel like I'm more maybe more comfortable and more kind of excited about an actual show

than I was before because I think when you come from clubs then to go in to do your show I think it is, you've loads of material but I think it actually is a bit of a like clunky transition I think so yes, in short

I'll just have to release the special I wonder I wonder about, it's interesting to me because you've had quite an unusual kind of life journey pre-comedy. So let's briefly talk about that. And we can talk about how that might, those, your decisions or your, the way you apprehend the comedy circuit and how it all works, might be different to a lot of people's because of that.

Yes. So I suppose long story short, I always would have been interested in like performing of some description, but didn't really know what also would have thought it was a bit much to like go and study drama

or acting a bit much a bit like okay but what's your actual job you know this is for me personally I was like

that would never be a goer anyway I got pregnant at 18 a single parent so had my daughter like I was still in school I hadn't finished like my final school exams and then had her in May, did the exams in May June, went to college in September, four years got the degree. So spent a good chunk of my 20s being like very regimented and very focused about making my family proud or, you know, so like people had made sacrifices so I could go to college so you can't fuck about with it.

So I, fast forward then, I didn't actually start stand up until I was 29. So at that point, my daughter was 10. I had met somebody we were settling down and I was on maternity leave. So I started stand up when I was on maternity leave. So I think at that point then, 10 years after that, I had kind of been very good and sensible, which is not really my character, I suppose. I was going to ask about that whether it, how did it sit? with your personality to go, I will now give back for all the sacrifices that have been made

for me, because that must be a good thing to be able to look back on having made all those sacrifices. At the time, I mean, presumably it was an enormous struggle on every front. I think I was just very focused that I was like, if I work and I get this and I get a job and I try to like get a job close to where I live so childcare isn't a big issue and I save I will be able to like you know long term plan maybe buy somewhere

but be financially stable sufficient by myself and then I think because I had kind of been a little worker bee for so long and I saw a little window then when I was on maternity leave I have a window of time and to me I,

I like to be on maternity leave from like a full-time job and not have to go and do state school exams or have to go and get a degree. I was just like, this is easy peasy. I was like, this is fine. So I was probably because of my first experience of like, you know, being pregnant and all that was quite stressful.

The second time around, I was like, this is so easy. this is great so I went and did my first stand-up gig when I was 29 so I think I was just like to me I mean I wasn't obviously 29 is not old but to me I already had a 10 year old so I kind of felt like I was in you know it's a whole different it's like when you meet someone with older kids than yours you go oh you outrank me regardless of how old you are you know exactly yes you always look at what ages their children are and if their children are older they know more that's the rules. Yes. So I had been, yeah, I kind of felt like a proper, you know, adult little L one. And I had kind of had little dalliances in the sense of like I had kind of had a few

production jobs secretly kind of hoping that somebody would just say, we need to get you in front of the camera. You're a waste of making that tea coffee. And I quickly realized, oh, all those celebrities in magazines were lying, except for the Uber attractive ones. I believe what they say. But you know the way in those interviews, they always say, like, I just kind of fell into it. Everyone is talking about how they just fell into everything

and nothing was planned. And I'm like, come on, somebody must have been hungry, thirsty, starving to, like, grapple your way ahead. Yes, no one really says, I fought tooth and claw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I made all my own luck. And I push people out the way and I kicked down doors and I made it happen, you bastard.

Yeah, no one, you don't really hear that, do you. Yeah, and I've no one to type up me kind of thing. Yeah. So I had production jobs, but then I found that quite hard because I suppose childcare then was an issue because, like, what time you're going to be finished on set? And I'd be just like, I don't know. I just have to stay there until we're finished. So I was like, oh, God, I feel very guilty about that. But I think then when I was on maternity leave, and obviously my setup was a bit different, like so I, I, was living out by myself. I had a partner and everything.

I just said I'd give it a go. And actually it was a TV producer. I did have like a, I think it was like a presenter show real. And he had said to me, you're very funny. He's like, you should do stand-up.

And I was like, okay. But he got me to audition for like this pilot of like these, you know, these awful like prank shows. Oh yeah. And we're obsessed with it. And then all you're just terrible.

But I went. I'm getting flashbacks to a terrible audition that I did once as I was going in thinking well obviously I want some sort of plausible telework and some money and then I did the thing

I was like this couldn't be further from all of my values this is just awful I know exactly what you're talking about but I did the audition I got it and I was only like a little small thing

but then I was I was pregnant and he found out and he just blanked me then I don't think he'd get away with it now he just like totally blanked me anyway but that kind of gave me a bit of a,

you know what, maybe I should go and try the stand-up. And now I didn't have any, I mean, at that time, so this was like 12 years ago, in Dublin, so obviously this, you know,

you had your Darrow Breins, your Jason Byrne, you know, you had those people kind of doing tours and Vicker Street and people that you would see on Irish telly and UK telly. But there was really like five of those people.

It's not like you were really kind of looking at them going, I want to be doing this time, five years of Vickers Street. It was not like that at all. I think my thing was I wanted to see if I could do it, but I also thought it would be a good way to meet

like funny people. You know, like, I don't know, someone who maybe was writing a script for something and maybe I could get in as like a little intern or like the dreams were very small. So I went and signed up

for an open mic night it was called Battle of the Axon Temple Bar and I did that and I won the you know like the little prize on the night so I was like oh

so that really spurred me on but I think the thing that happened that I hadn't anticipated was I did it and just became totally addicted straight away so I didn't even know it wasn't like I was one of these people

that was like a stand-up nerd not like not at all I just thought I wanted to be around something funny and you know maybe possibly one day I don't know but then when I went and did it I was like oh this is a thing and I got completely

and utterly obsessed and then I just have never stopped since then and I think oh a few months into it I'm not exactly sure maybe like between maybe four month mark or something like that my partner Shane took me aside and he was like

what is going on like sorry what what is this you know like you're scaring off to these pubs four or five times a week and coming back with like maybe shackles at best

like are you even covering your petrol what's happening and I was like no look it is a thing I was like I know it seems crazy but I can see what the process is

and I was like, I think, like, I could kind of, I suppose I could tell at the start that I had, I was just getting a lot of good feedback from other comics. And I was like, okay, I think I could have, I didn't know what, but I was like, I think I could maybe carve out something here. But it was just that addiction of, I'd want to get better and changing that line and tweaking, you know,

all of that. So, yeah, that's how, I got into it. So, yeah, I'd say I was definitely coming out of from a different angle than, say, a lot of people. Well, so there's lots of things I want to sort of go rings and kind of pin there. No, no, no, not at all, not at all. My first question is about your weather, and this might come up a lot in interviews. Apologies if this is a well-worn path.

But I would assume that the discipline that you had to grow in order to be a very young, mother, paying back all the sacrifices. That kind of focus you were talking about. It's almost like an equivalent life experience to when you see someone who comes to comedy from the world of finance. Or do you mean, or a doctor? You know, there's a lot of doctors and you go,

oh, doctors make great comedians. In part because they're incredibly good at work ethic and putting in loads of hours of work and delivering stuff because they have to. So I wonder if there's a sort of an equivalent thing whereby the discipline and focus you grew as a very young mother helped your kind of your discipline for like getting shit done

when you became a comic and also within that I wonder if there is like certainly when I became a parent my comedy completely changed and the way I really improved partly I think because I had access to an incredibly relatable

experience and do you mean in the way that like if I knew about say football which I know nothing about if you know about football you can talk to everyone who knows about football. I was like, oh, well, I know about what. It's like holding your own child in your hands. And that connects with a lot of people. And also, because I had a lot more to complain about, my life had become much harder. And so I sort of felt like I've got a thing to say to people who get it. And it was a real difference. And you, of course, were starting comedy already with

some of that perspective. Yes, I think definitely the work effort helped, or I'd say as well, like I really knew how to prioritise my time. So I had kind of come from a place where I might have a half an hour window to do something. And I didn't take any of my stand up time for granted because I hadn't been able to really have hobbies or interest up until that point. Sure, sure. And I wouldn't have had the, I wouldn't have had the final. financial, I wouldn't have been, like, so I was so young. So, like, I suppose now, say, traditionally, a couple are maybe having their children in their 30s, 40s.

So they have, you know, they probably have a little bit of disposable income. Obviously, I had no disposable income. So I wasn't off doing hobbies and things like that. I think the other thing was that I was an outsider. So I was always, like, observing people. But I think when you, like, go, like, say, to college. and everyone is going to the pub after, you are like,

I spent a lot of time feeling like an alien so that I kind of looked like everyone else. But I wasn't talking about maybe going to Australia for a year or, you know, when people were coming and going, oh my God, I'm so tired. It was because they'd been on a four-day bender. You know, it's not because they'd been up with, like, a teething child.

but I would say I just kind of be like you know I would never say like do you think that's tired I've been doing this that need like no I keep it to myself but so I feel like I spent these big chunks of time kind of just like observing people like kind of in the group

but not fully in the group and the funny thing is actually when I started stand up I mean I made reference to the fact that I had children and I was in a long term relationship but I didn't really do a lot about it because when you're starting

And obviously it's that thing of, you know, you're doing a gig on a Monday night or so like the majority of those people are not interested in your childbirth story. Like I don't think I've ever talked about childbirth on stage, you know, because now I'm too far down the line from it. But like, yeah, I feel like I wasn't doing that stuff. So it was definitely all of the observations and jokes were through my, obviously, my eye and whatever. But I definitely wasn't talking about my own life experience that much until later on. And it was probably like a confidence thing as well because I had trained myself. As a teenager, if you have a baby, it's kind of like the one thing that your friends don't want to talk about. Like they're actively trying to avoid that at all costs.

You are living proof of their worst nightmare. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Yeah, of course. yeah so you don't like if people ask questions and all that obviously you're very open but you don't you're not forthcoming with the information so you kind of learned very early on that you people aren't interested and also now I think it is changing but I think there has been a stigma around women talking about women's stuff on stage and obviously I came up at that time so I came up at a time where it

was kind of applauded if a man had children and you know daddy like I mean, it's the same if you're putting them in the back of the car in a supermarket on your own, let alone on stage. Yeah, so I just felt like there was a lot of kind of applauding around, say, maybe a male comedian having a show, Daddy Daycare or whatever. But like, you know, a show with like, Mom in the name, people are like, oh, roll the eyes, like, how boring. And they're like, okay. So, yes, but I think I had a lot of different life, I had a lot of different life experience. I had a lot of different life experiences, I suppose. So I think as well, I feel anyway, when I started,

I had a good sense of like tuning into the audience. And, yeah, just watching, watching, watching, just nosing all the time of what everyone was doing. What was your early material about if you weren't connected to the college experience in the way everyone else was? Nor were you, nor was there an audience that's receptive to stuff about teething because a Monday night audience haven't got kids. So what sorts

of things are you talking about? I think a lot of my early material was like it was dark and it was sex and I was much more deadpan but I think that was a confidence

thing. So it wasn't like it wasn't a chosen style. It was kind of like I just going to have to remain still and get these jokes out because that's all I can focus on right now and it did become a lot more relaxed as I got better and as I went down

but when I started I was very nervous but then I think of it I suppose it was always what was the thing somebody told me what I was doing on stage like when I started oh somebody told me that I was they said oh that reveal was really good. And I was like, well, so I didn't even realize that that's what I was doing. Like, I was

doing it like, you know, a reveal at the end. Like, that was kind of my style a little bit. And I was like, you know, it's not like I had been reading stand-up books. I literally just kind of was like... I think almost no one reads stand-up books, but everyone thinks that everyone else has read stand-up books. Maybe that's what it is. If this internally sort of alienating thing, totally. Yeah, yeah. And actually, because I remember years ago, a comedian had one and it was kind of passed around, like, do you want to lend it? Like, somebody

had told somebody, the book's really good and I'll give you the book and whatever. And I honestly think that the book just gets passed around different comedians and nobody ever, like, reads the book. Do you know what I mean? They just kind of give it a glance and they go, yeah, I might read that. So I was, yes,

because I think one of my early jokes was something along the lines of, well, now I did, in the fact that I had a baby at home and it was something about my partner asking me if we could have a quickie but kind of selling it to me

like don't worry I'll be quick like as if that was a positive thing and so I couldn't believe how well that went down in the room because like none of my friends were in that situation where they had a partner and had kids and you know

all that kind of thing so it was very like liberating for me to get to say some of those things in front of people out loud that I had never said before but yeah I think it was kind of dark dead pan and yeah

bit of sex maybe a bit of oh I think like I had one joke about I know I had a joke something about I went into a pharmacy and the pharmacist said to me look unfortunately you can't get antidepressants over the counter like you need a prescription

and then I was like oh I had just gone in to get lipstick you know like these kind of jokes so we kind of like who I was but they'd just be like gags yeah yeah yeah yeah gotcha well I think the other thing that you the other quality that you

certainly have now and from the sounds of it had right from the start was being authentic because I think those sort of jokes like we can and particularly when you say it was quite liberating to say this sort of thing on stage because I couldn't say it anywhere else. Yeah. That, I think an audience can smell that and be like, oh, this person is unburdening themselves.

That's real rather than, here's a funny thing I saw on a bus. And you know what I mean? Like comedy, almost like comedy material that's just an excuse to be funny and get laughs. It's a very different feeling to it, I think. Yeah, or like, I had been like, at the moment I had been, I was in a conversation with a, another comedian and they were like talking about

you know doing a new show and saying I just have to figure out what I have want to write about first or you know

what I want to say but I was kind of like but you know what you want to say already because it's the stuff that's in your head yeah for me I was like

I don't want to get too focused on this is the show about this I find that when I've gone to do the shows that they have been about something you know

but I don't want to like force that because I feel then you're like I don't know, you're just pushing your I wanted to basically be the experience to be as close to meeting you when you're like in flying form in a really good Friday night

I just with a bit like a bit of an edge but I want them to feel like I don't think like that when say my family come to see me or my friends or whatever that the person that they see on stage they like they know that person sure yes

you know and I feel even as I go on a bit more it's more like I'm literally just taking stuff from real life now like I've taken a long time to build up the confidence my only problem now is I have to like

maybe edit down bits rather than staying so loyal to the exact truth you know because I was just doing a work in progress the other night and I was like, I have it, but I was like, I just need to chop some bits down a bit because I just need to get to the joke quicker.

I don't actually have to tell the whole truth of the story. Yeah. And I'm happy that that's where I've evolved to now. Yeah. You know, there's always a little bit of that. But I feel now it's, there's more of that. I don't know if I answered. Is it your question?

Yeah, no, no, no, absolutely did. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's really interesting hearing you say that you started off deadpan and that was kind of a defence mechanism. Yes. Because I wouldn't describe you now as deadpan at all. But there is, what did I write? I made some notes when I was watching the show. It's you're sort of conspiratorial, right?

Yes. And you're the level at which you speak, sometimes it's a whisper. Like your voice is so low. What I love about it is it makes you high status because clear, or it's part. of your high status because you're not trying to please any of us, which I love. Even if, I always think that's funny because as a comic, obviously you want us to laugh, but like not at the expense, I think with high status comics or comics that don't care about pleasing, that's something, I think one of my biggest drawbacks as a comic is that

I'm just desperate for them to like me. And whenever I can, whenever I can play with that and kind of show that and then do the opposite or reveal that actually I fucking hate them, and I wish I wasn't here or whatever. You know, that can be really fun tension. But I love to watch a comic who doesn't care whether they're pleased or not. So you're, like, it's interesting to hear that it's kind of, it grew out of a sort of an initial deadpan thing.

Yes. Because actually what you end up being is very powerful on stage as you're kind of making very cutting remarks about people that don't make you seem nasty. Like you're not mean, but you're cutting about people. Somebody said this to me and I was like, oh God, yeah. I am quite, it's funny. I can be quite mean on stage, like with my material.

But I think it's like a release thing. Like I have these thoughts or like with my nearest and dearest, this is the kind of stuff that I would be saying in a WhatsApp voice now. I would be saying like, I'm not being bad, but I hope her and her whole family died. Like that would just be my sense of humor. Now, obviously, I don't want her and her whole family to die. But I think that's funny to say that. But in real life, which cracks me up, is I'm a real, it's not people pleaser,

but I'm a real, like, I want everyone to be happy. So, like, I'm always like, you know, like in work situations, I'm always like, oh, that's brilliant. Thank you so much. Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. And sometimes people have to say to me, like, no, Emma, have tea. Have the cup of tea.

We're filming and it's raining. Like, we're all freezing. you know but I'm always trying to like keep it like I don't want anyone getting upset I know everyone's just doing their job and then I was like starting to get worried about it's like I think I'm very too submissive I was like I need to do something about this so it's funny to me that my on stage self is like so cutting about people but I think that's what I'm like that is how I am with like my like really really tight circle Yes. Yes. And I enjoy it so much. I feel like that's why I do it on stage. Because it's just so enjoyable to me. Like it makes me laugh. What a lovely way to consider when people are sort of trying to, I'm sort of wondering if there's kind of like a learnable takeaway at this. Like to try and work out who you're, you know, some people get very hung up on like what's my persona. Who am I to them?

Yes. By some people I absolutely include my younger self in that. But as a. a hotline to finding out who you are, who are you on WhatsApp to your closest friends? Because that's probably who you are. That's probably who you are on stage. So I wonder if I'm kind of building a picture of you as this kind of like responsible making sacrifices, keeping everyone happy, person, who then gets to go on stage and let out your true feelings and kind of barbs and kind of spit at people, which is lovely because it really combines that kind of like, I want everyone to get along. but what the fuck does she think she's doing kind of like

I think that's exactly what it is and I'm a bottleer like I would find it really hard I had to tell a friend of my reasoning that I was annoyed with something they did and I found it really really hard but if I was to go on stage and do that if you did a routine about it and then invited them to watch the routine

and you know what I did before I had that conversation with them I did an impression of them and I slagged them to their face and then that's yeah I did like a really cutting impression With then knowing that it was them you were doing an impression of Amazing, go on And then I thought

No they still haven't gotten the message And I was like I'm actually going to have to talk to them In a proper way and tell them But that was the hardest part You were trying to communicate it by doing them to them Oh my God Yeah What what

So I find it really hard to just say find out more about that. It seems quite private. I find it really hard to say it's, I find it really hard to like say it straight. So I think, I think, I thought,

like I think that's how I speak when I'm really annoyed about something. I do, because I know I'm delivering harsh news. So I try and throw in the few jokes. So that's what I do in real life. Yes. So it's just like a heightened version on stage

because it's still that thing of, I'm going to tell you, you are a fucking. idiot, but, you know, I'll say something funny to you now, which are wonky shoe or whatever it like to try and soften it. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that

provides a clear picture of your health today, and may uncover. early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. So this is Emma. She's on tour. I should have said at the top. She's on tour with Emaculate. Emaculate. Very good.

Throughout the UK and Ireland until April 2026. You can find out all the dates and more at emadorencom.com. You can find out how to see me live at Stuart Gullsmith.com slash comedy, but there are currently no upcoming dates on the website because I haven't organised it, I think, after Abarist with Comedy Festival, the run of preview shows that I've been doing has come to an end for now while I kind of retreat back into a creative cave and work on the show. Although saying that, I think on Tuesday the 21st of October, I'm going to be at Chops Comedy in Bristol doing some new stuff. But that gives me just under two weeks in order to write that new stuff. So plenty to talk about there. Generally, though, stewarddollsmith.com for all of your news and bits and bobs, including the survey. If you go to Stuartgoldsmith.com slash survey, then you can help with some episode 500 shenanigans.

Thank you to all of those people who have already taken the time to fill in the survey. It's an absolute unalloyed pleasure to read through some things and be reminded of things and people and episodes and moments and all that stuff. so I've been loving those. Please continue contributing in your hundreds. Coming up in the second half now, we're going to delve into the connection between self-worth and performance.

We will talk about how Emma built her latest show from just five bullet points. We'll find out why comedians are so hard on themselves. And, of course, we will find out if and when she is happy. When? I've never included that before, but there we are. Let's get back to Emma Doran. So what's the relationship? relationship then, when you're writing new stuff?

Like, are you? What kind of writer I do? Do you sit down and write? Or is it just you're building it on stage by just having an idea and taking it on with you? Yes, I kind of, I will, so it will start. I will build on stage in clubs and then I will try to maybe get maybe a bit of structure or something. And then I'll kind of move to like maybe doing 40 minutes sets in places. I will at certain points write it down. So I'll write it down when I'm in the like, I need to just try and remember everything.

Sure. Okay. And then I'll write it down to see like kind of what's fitting in, what feels right, what would be better and what order. And I usually try and do it. In my head, anyway, it is a story. And that's how I remember it. And I find that's the best way for me to add on bits.

and elaborate. So I kind of, it's a story and I have my sections. Okay. Okay. Just give us an example from that Vickers Street show, how do you think of the story of that show?

Just so I can understand how you know. Oh, yeah. So for I was to think of that now, I mean, I think by the time I had gone through the good, but I probably only had like five, I'd look at like five bullet points before I went out on.

So now I had like, in that show, I had like the girls night, story. So that was kind of about like my demographic of women like going out and where right now. Then I had the lesbian stuff. And specifically the intervention aspect of that. Because that's so good. It's so well observed. It's such delicious stand up about the way women decide to have an intervention on behalf of someone and take them out. And it's like I felt like I'm learning how women operate through that story because I'm like, oh, I wouldn't do any of that.

And I would, I've never participated in any of that. But it's so vivid. it. Yeah, I really enjoyed that doing that bit because it's quite a long bit. It's about 15 minutes-ish and I got that all in one go. Wow. You know, like sometimes you just get a bit and I was like, oh, and I always enjoyed doing it. It was always so much fun because there was lots of different little bits to it. And then I think then there was the section about kind of having a drink and a dance on your own.

which again was very, it's so authentic because it was like quite, I thought, I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about this. I've never heard that, do you mean? Like, given that you could, if people are unfamiliar with the material, then the headlines of like, you know, women in a WhatsApp group going out on a night out,

those kind of things, they seem like they, and I don't mean anything negative, quite the opposite. Yeah, I know, exactly what I mean. But they seem like this of generic topics. Yes. But you get so much kind of life and truth and reality of it. I was just laughing away at the idea, of you dancing and having a little drink on your own

and thinking about the times when I've had a dance and a little drink on my own. I was like, I've never even admitted that to myself. I've never thought about it, you know. Well, a friend of mine, Martin Angola said to me before and I didn't realize and I was like, oh, I don't know if it was an insult or a couple of it, but he was like, you get so much out of the smallest thing. Out of so little.

Yeah. And I was like, oh yeah, maybe I do. so I think it's like yeah that I'll have a little nugget of a thing and I'm like right that's all you know I don't set out to find 15 minutes on it or you know but some it's usually like

a thing will grow and grow but um what at the moment now and I haven't I'm doing work and progresses but I haven't people keep saying to me have you are you recording them I'm like no not yet and everyone's like why and I was like no no no no no I was like

no no no I was like I'm not doing that yet and I mightn't actually even record any of them I was like I just want to feel it in the room and I know that might sound like okay be hippie-dipy whatever but I want to feel it in the room and then the second I'm finished I go into my notebook and set and write down the mental notes that I've taken at the time because I just yeah I just want to feel it in the room at the time because sometimes I feel like on tape even if there's like that nervous laughter like there's different types of laughter

and like you know like the release laughter and stuff and I just I feel like sometimes on tape you don't fully I think you're for me anyway I like to try and record what my feelings are straight after the show yes to try and get a prop because I feel like you can record it and watch

but I don't think you can If you go and watch that like a week later. Now, I couldn't watch a work in progress the next day. I think I'd be just like, my weight, you know what I mean? And then if I've left it, I feel like, well, I've, not that I've lost it, but you know what I mean? I feel like it's better to do it fresh. But maybe I won't, of course.

I will. I'm sure I will at some point. But, yeah, I'll have to go and I think I'll have to go and write it out again at one point. and then I just work from bullet points and the bullet points get smaller and smaller and smaller. Yes, that's great. But I've never fully prepared. Yes, okay.

I think, me personally, I think it's always good to be a little bit, like it's never completely the same every night. Just always, I can't stop myself. Sometimes I'm like, oh, sometimes in my head, I'm like, Emma, shut the fuck up. stuff trying to add on lines, but sometimes it's just, I can't stop it. That is so, it makes for such, that's a really organic kind of an approach, if that's not too

hateful a word, but I think it's like sometimes I, I get quite into kind of like listening back and noting it and going, well, that one, that did work, because I feel like I have to record mine because new, new stuff, because otherwise I'll fix a problem instinctively and go, oh, that's fixed now and then I'll forget what I said. And I have to go, because I've got such a, my memories is terrible. So I have to go back and go, oh, it was that and then I can remember. But then that does have an effect that I'm not, sometimes I feel like I'm kind of jumping in between the decisions that I've had to remember.

As opposed to sometimes when it feels very organic and you're caught up in it, you're just doing the stuff. I think that's, I think that's a thing that happens as a comic matures. I think there was, for me, a certain type of comic, I suppose. for me, I used to have an over-reliance on getting the exact words right for maximum effect. And now I try to go, well, if the idea is funny, it doesn't matter how you, or it matters less, the words in which you express the idea, because the idea is funny. Yes, and I think your brain will naturally find the funny word. Yeah.

You know, or the funniest way to time that, or when is the, like, the beat to drop that line, or I think, you find it and I think if you're not I feel like if I'm not overthinking it and I try and go with the flow of it like I've already developed

the muscles, the muscles are there if I trust them a bit more I feel like it will feel more authentic maybe to the people that are in the audience I might be able to engage with them better if I'm not

locked in with a script. I don't get me wrong. I'm talking about like words and add-ons and you know maybe switching up where I've said what like it's not you know it's not like oh every night 40% of the show

not at all but it's just I feel like I just give myself a little bit of room and I still want to if there's something to find in the show I still want to have the flexibility to find it so I think it leaves a little bit of space then that the show can kind of grow and evolve as you go on and still be the same show, but just keep moving.

Yeah, I think a lot of the time that a challenge that I have is trying to get out of my own head, not just the script, but the whole, you know, the outside eye, the relentless kind of how's this going? And I find it, I think it's very hard when you're being taped, even if it's just taping yourself. You see, that's what it does to me. I know if I'm being taped. it's just somewhere in the back of my head I know now I bring taped

so usually when I go on tour I'll do my own support I'll take that because I'm sorry that's I'm just going to point out there'll be a fantastic autobiography title for someone who's resilience as yourself

I'll do my own support something popped out there for me so sorry I didn't mean to interrupt oh it took my own support yeah I'll just like I'll do my own support it's quicker it's easier I'll get out the door quicker I'll film that I'll film the 20 minutes

at the top but I most time won't film the show okay will you watch back the bit that you filmed do you ever watch your back or does it just end up

in a hard drive somewhere no no I've watched back a lot I watch back a lot of them and I have watched the show like what was I doing I had to watch my show back for something I can't remember what it was

oh do you know what it was it was because I had done I had a big gap I finished in March and then I was doing Vicar in June and I had to watch the show back. Oh, my God. Tell me about that.

What is that? Oh, my God. It just, I just took me so long where I'd be like, I'm going to do that now. No, I'll do this first. You get a very clean house, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found lots of jobs to do that day.

And I left it up to the wire because I was just like, I just didn't want to watch it. I just want to, you know what to me? but I knew I had to watch it because it had been too long, you know, I hadn't done it in a couple of months and you can't really go from like doing it a few times a week to then, you know, big gap and then go out and do it. So I was just, yeah, I was very uninterested in doing that.

But, yeah, I mean, I know I'm making it sound like, oh my God, it's such a tough life. I'm going to sit down and watch. And of course, when I'm sitting there and I'm on the screen, my fellow never misses an opportunity. opportunity to go, oh, you're mad about yourself, aren't you? And I'm just like, this is painful. If I could pay somebody else to do this, I would.

But yes, I will, I'll get recordings of, like I'll record the show maybe a couple of times. But I won't even like my first time do it or my first like big, um, venue on that run. I probably won't because I don't want the extra. It's even just the whole thing of like where the camera's going to be set up, who's doing the camera. It's just like extra admin that I don't want. So it's usually like further down the line, I'll be like, okay, yeah, let's film that and whatever. Yeah.

So we were talking about the impact of knowing that you're being filmed on your ability to kind of lose yourself in the stuff. So do you, like how much do you lose yourself in it in different environments? Oh, I can lose myself. in it for big chunks, yeah, where I'm only thinking about what I'm doing

you mean like only thinking about what you're doing in that moment? Yeah, I suppose it's an odd sort of a pretentious question but I don't know.

That's the dream, isn't it? To be doing it and only thinking about doing it because I mean the reality is a lot of the time you're thinking about oh hang on now what's going over

at the back of the room there's something there's a little murmur what's happening there and then you're thinking do how I wish I've gone to the toilet before I got on stage and then I'm like I wonder what shop would be the best there to drop into and get stuff for the lunches tomorrow like all that's going on in my head all

of the time so if I'm able to be on stage and I'm just thinking about what I'm doing on stage that's pretty good but it doesn't always happen but I think the camera would just if the when the camera's there there's less chance of that happening yeah yeah I think and what's what's the difference for you between a good gig and a brilliant gig where you come off feeling like

you smashed it? Good gig and a brilliant gig. A brilliant gig yeah I do know a brilliant gig is that

you feel like you're just on fire but it's usually because something unexpected has happened it's usually something like that

whether it's how someone has reacted to somebody or something you've said or you've thrown in the line or I feel like when you come out and you go oh God that was brilliant it's really, it sounds so cheesy but it's really that thing of when you feel like

you are all on the same page you know like you're it's like I won't say like when two become one that's a bit extreme because people are like I just bought a ticket to your show like I don't know what you think

this is, but it don't, when you feel like you're all connected, that you're all on the same wavelength and when you can hear like between jokes, because I, I've nearly come to peace with it. Some of, sometimes on stage, I'm just like, oh, here in my head, I'll be like, here she goes with another story. Hell, how long's this story going to be? Fuck sake, you know what I mean? Sometimes I'm like, I wish I could write like quick, quick, snappy, snappy things. Okay, okay. Sometimes when I have, when I hear the silence between bits,

sometimes it's the silence more than the laughter. Like, they're just, that kind of sounds. I'm like, I quite enjoy that. I'm like, well, but it's just a thing. You've got them. They're kind of hanging on. Yes, yes. We're all here together.

It's like, you know, we're like, you know, dolphins in the sea. altogether. It's just it's a feeling in the room, isn't it? It's that you're all in tune, all on the same page. And so, and you see that, and sometimes I know myself, you've watched back tapes.

You know, you've watched back tapes the show that you thought was good and the one that you thought was brilliant. And people are telling you, well, the good one's actually better. Yeah. You're like, but that's not what? In the room that night,

we were all madly loved with each other. So, yeah, it's just a feeling at the time, isn't it? What are the stakes for you when a gig doesn't go as well? Like, do you, how connected are you? How connected is your self-worth and your work? Yeah. Oh, depends on the day. And, yeah, if, right, if people are paying tickets to go,

you, I do really want them to have a good night out because, like, tickets are expensive. People have done a lot to, you know, they haven't just rocked up. There's been a lot of planning that has gone into that. So I do really want them. So I'm just remembering the beginning of your Vickers Street show with the stuff about, you know, the well done for coming out. Oh, you know, the moment they remembered. Oh, yeah.

But it's such an ordeal to, you know, go out and whatever. And we all get out. We all pretend that we like go out all the time and we're totally relaxed about going out. not we're panicked we don't know how we're going to get home it's scary so i do really want to have them a good time uh i want them to have a good time i think if i feel like like so right if it's an issue with the venue or you know that kind of thing that has hampered the gig not that it's fine but you know i'm talking about in terms of my self-worth okay if i have if it's be me if I have fucked up

the gig, it's my fault. It's a bad day. Yeah. It's a bad day. And you know what? Usually the reason I will have fucked up a gig is ill-prepared. Yeah. That is actually

most of the time, if the gig doesn't go well, that's what the problem is. Now, if I'm trying out new stuff in the gig doesn't go well, that's absolutely fine but if it's like if it's not a new stuff and I have to go off and do something

I'm annoyed of it myself yes yes yeah no I think that's fair I was just making a note there because I want to ask future guests on the show what's the reason you normally fuck up a gig because the way you phrased it there was such a good kind of if I fucked up a gig it's normally because

of this and I thought oh that's a good question I'll hang on to that for later yeah now that's what that's that's usually what it is because I do feel like okay there's the odd there's those odd crazy ones where you just go gee oh my God

that was awful but if you've been doing it long enough you like you do have enough up your sleeve to you know bring it up to like a five or a six you know a six I think you know bring it up to some

sort of thing and if you're all you know you're doing a set you're doing a 15 minute set and yeah if it's really really bad. I think it's for me it's when it's

like my own gig or it's you know it's it's been left to me it's my fault I'm ill prepared

because you see I have this thing sometimes I'll rock up to a gig and I actually don't really know what I'm going to say I know what I'm going to

start with you don't have my jokes but I just I say I'm just going feel the room and see what's cooking and see what happens

and that has worked a loads of times but then the time that that doesn't work. Oh, I'm just going around, you fucking idiot. I was going to, my next question was about whether

you could be kind to yourself when you fuck up. No. No. It's not enough. I just, yeah, I just like, you're fucking idiot. I'm just like, and what were you doing today?

This is what we're going to about, what were you doing today? Absolutely, fuck all, pissing about the house, doing all this other. stuff blah blah blah because i don't you see i don't like to prepare for a gig i do like to leave it until the last minute you like i like for the adrenaline start kicking in but sometimes i've done you know and it's worked out perfectly or sometimes i will really prepare but sometimes

i'll do that thing of now i'm just gonna i've decided now i'm just going to leave this all just like up in the wind and it's going to be brilliant and it's probably if you get into it i try to have low expectations. Not my own shows, but you know, gigs that are out of my control. Yeah. I try to just manage my expectations. Bring the expectations right down. Because usually it is

the one that you're dreading, the one that you're looking at the other comedian in the room going, I'm fucking dreaded. This is going to be fucking awful. This is going to be a shit show. You're actually, it was Grant. We're actually lovely. You know, you come back in. It's the ones where it's meant to be lovely and it's meant to be this, that, and the other are

usually. Like, we're all laughing there the other week. know, like festivals, comedy festivals, and you're all talking about, like, oh, it's so brilliant. I think, God, we all get to meet up with each other and it's such a fantastic time. They're actually very fucking stressful because you're on, like, mixed bills with people who are completely different to you. They're bringing their audience. And it's like, if they do badly, it's not good.

If they do really well, it's not good. You know what I mean? It's just like, you're like, every time I do these festivals, I actually just stand there and go, this is actually quite a stressful situation why do you keep saying these are so enjoyable you know that's but that's what you have to say like can't wait to do bloody blah festival it's going to be so good

so good so yeah thank you so much I've got two very quick final questions the first is what quality that you have besides being funny got you where you are I would say determination.

Yeah, I think that, yeah. There's an absolute treat for people who are watching this podcast rather than listening to it. Your face, determination, and then like an expression that sort of probably would have sounded like a, which is a lovely counterpoint to the determination. Yeah, something, yeah, work ethic, I think, definitely. I'm definitely a worker bee.

I think that helps with stand-up. There's no way of doing it without doing it. Sure there's not. You have to do it. Okay, ready. Final question. Are you happy? Yes.

I am happy. I'm not going to break a face. No, I am happy. But lots of things have to be right to be happy, make you happy, don't they? But yes, I am happy. Should I not be? I'm just doing that awful interview thing of being quiet to let you keep speaking. It was so lovely.

It's so refreshing and unusual to have someone go, yes, that's great. There's a lot of kind of, well, I'm content and, you know, or I'm not sure. No, I think I'm pretty happy. I think I'm pretty happy. I think I'm pretty good. Yeah. And you are responsible for your own happiness. Isn't that right?

No one else is responsible for your happiness. So your happiness, you're responsible for it. So, yes, I'm happy. At MedCan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today, and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer.

The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan, live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. So this was Emma. Thank you so much to Emma for coming on the show. Really enjoyed that conversation. Emma's tour is called Emaculate, not Emma Clayte,

as evil producer Callum has foolishly written. It's immaculate. Otherwise the joke would be meaningless. Why would it be called emaclate? That is throughout the UK and Ireland, until April 2026. You can find all the dates and more at emma dorancomedy.com. Thank you to Emma. Thanks to producer Callum. Susie Lewis did the logging. The music was by Rob Smouton. I'm Stuart Goldsmith. And if you enjoyed this episode, there are 30 minutes of extras in the Insiders Club on Patreon, including an incremental and not viral approach to building an audience that sells tickets, knowing when to kill a joke and why comedians need to step outside the Edinburgh bubble. See me live at Stuartgollsmith.com slash comedy when there is anything up there. I am gigging, but I normally save that for when I've got like previews. And at the moment, there's very few of them in the diary, apart from Tuesday, 21st of October.

Go to chopscom to find out about that if you are in or near Bristol. And as a reminder, you can also get extra stuff from Comcom Pod on Instagram and TikTok. And all that stuff, I've just thought of something for the Postamble. That's good. And on YouTube, you can search Comcom Pod on YouTube. Thanks to the gang. Spiller, Dave Powell, Simmons, Alan, Lucas, McClellan, Swarbrick, McCarrell, Swaddle, and Burry. Thank you to the two special insider executive producers, Neil Peters and Andrew Dennett.

Oh, I've not done nicknames. Neil Triple X Peters and Andrew Triple Y Dennant. And to the super secret ones as well, thank you very much. I will post-amble at you in a moment. But if that's it for you, then feel free to buzz off. Oh, mate. Oh, we've got such an absolutely superb episode with Alan Davies. Alan Davis, I have to keep reminding myself as Davis.

Even though it's spelled with an E. He pronounces it Davis, so I will too. it's only respectful. Alan Davis is returning to the podcast. That one is in the can. Also in the can, Doug Naler, two wildly different conversations and both of them, really, really interesting.

I've got some lovely guests coming up also, and I've done that thing of going, oh, there's no guests coming up. I'd better manically book loads of people. So I've done loads of that, and now I'm panicking about how to fit them all in. But that's where you find me in the concom year. Postamble coming up shortly,

but thanks once again for listening. I'll speak to you soon, unless I'll speak to you very soon now. So the thing that I thought of is I've got, I don't know, you know, I'm a terrible one for crowdsourcing things and this shouldn't be a crowdsourced decision. But I will just, I'll lay out the runners and riders of this decision whilst checking how much time I've got left before my tea's done. Ages. So, here's this, and then I'm going to go and watch a peacemaker.

Come on. What a time? What times we live in when we can watch season two of Peacemaker? So, I've got this Instagram account. I'm just going to lay this. No, should I talk about this? This is a boring internal matter. Instead, why don't I let you in on the roller coaster that I've inflicted upon some dear friends of mine, kind of friend slash mentor slash protege. I'm going to call my friend Mark a protege. and Carl definitely more of a mentor as well as a friend. But this is what I've been dropping on them this week. I had this notion. I had this notion.

How will I talk about this? I want to be honest with you, but I also don't want to spill all of my spillage. Aborist with Comedy Festival. I had a fantastic time. I saw Rory Scoville. He's brilliant. We've become Pally.

That's lovely. Spent some time with Stu Laws, did the gala show. Anna Thomas, new actor, newer act, Anna Thomas. Fantastic. God, jokes on top of jokes. Who else with Tarrow are brilliant, always brilliant. Lovely to see Darrell Carrington morphing from Street Clown into really interesting and kind of, what's the word? Just some really lovely, unique ideas he's doing on stage. He's doing more stuff on the circuit now. Lots and lots of good people. Saw lots of good stuff. Finally saw Sam Nicaresti's award-winning show from this year. brilliant show, great conclusion. And again, as everyone has said about Sam, she's just got

jokes and jokes and jokes, which is important. You know, it's also great to have concepts and important things to say, which she also has, but all of that married with just joke after, joke after joke after joke after joke, just an onslaught, brilliant. Had a great time. On the way there, which is a not inconsiderable four-hour drive for me at least, on the way there, I listened back to an inconvenient time. I don't know if we've had an Edinburgh debrief, that this was the beginning of my Edinburgh debrief. I thought, finish Edinburgh, have a bit of time, have a bit of space, go back to the show, listen back to it or watch it, and I find it very hard to sit and watch. So I listen back whilst driving and really take some space from it, take a beat and go,

right, that's that show that that guy, me, did. What is it saying? How has it come across? What is he not saying? What are the gaps? Those kind of things. I think, to be honest, a month after Edinburgh is not long enough to really do that. It'd be better if you could pause time and go and something else and come back to it a year later and go, oh, imagine the insight you could have if you had a genuine amount of time. Like, you know, the insights that I've got on previous shows of mine, you can just x-ray them. Much harder to do when you're close to it. That's why you enlist the help of someone wonderful like Deck Monroe or the director of your choice to help you with that. I listen back to it. I'm happy with it. I am happy with it. It seemed very finished.

it had coalesced into something. Again, I think I may have said this before, slightly earlier than I wanted it to coalesce and I need to decoelce some of it and go, this is all very well. That stuff is like, you've polished up some good gear there, but is that the stuff you want to say? And, you know, for the context here, this is a show all about our response to the climate crisis, a personal response to it. And I think as well, something missing from it in my attempt to cover off lots of topics and say useful things and be funny. Lots of goals. There's lots of, I always think of it,

aims and objectives. I remember that from like an arts management module I did at college. The aims and objectives are manyfold. But I think in doing that, I have neglected to give it. And this is a note that Dex gives me already, but now I'm kind of, it's changed from being knowledge to wisdom. I'm like, oh, or whatever it is, fact to knowledge, something where you go, oh, I get that, I grok that now.

It needs a heart to it. and there's plenty of ways I feel emotional about it and ways in which my climate dread impacts on my life. I feel less dread now. Dread's probably not accurate anymore, but my climate wobbles impact on my life. So there is a heart to be found in there. I listened back to it and did all that.

This comes after two consecutive previous weekends of doing club sets on weeks where I had done a load of, you know, mission-oriented climate comedy stuff and felt like I could and should just kind of let loose and cock about in a club and just be funny. And, oh, they were all great at the Gaff in Bristol, which is lovely. I think it's like Bristol's Bill Murray. It's not exactly the same, but it has a similar vibe, I think.

And that'll mean something very different if you don't know that the Bill Murray is an artist-led comedy club collective thing in London. And the comedy box, which is one of the rooms in which I feel most comfortable, I've been gigging their, you know, God, best part of two decades suddenly. really enjoying just letting loose, slipping the clutch, and just, that suggests I'm coasting. I wasn't coasting. I was working hard, but I had lovely, I just had such lovely fun times. I felt like, and this is the point, I felt like I'd taken off some lead weights, and those lead weights are self-appointed mission to do with climate communication,

and I've enjoyed having those lead weights, and they've made me strong and fierce, and they've been a wonderful challenge, and one that I've got to pick those lead weights back up. I want to. I want to. That's the, it's a self-appointed mission. It's a mission nonetheless. I want to keep doing it. But I've had this sort of, I was listening back to it, going and doing it and Abba, had a fun show there, but then seeing Rory, who is like, he's, he's one of those acts who I think of like, in one of my shows, there'll be two or three moments where I'm like, you got it, son, you're not so bad. And his show is just 60 minutes of those moments. It's just, it was brilliant. So to kind of be in this, I'm in a state of flux, I've said once or twice this week, I'm in a state of flux where I have, I'm excited about the mission, I'm also very aware of like part of the origins of the mission where I'm a bit cheesed off with comedy, I'm feeling lots of climate dread and I can use both problems to solve each other. And that's been working and I've loved it.

And then I'm like, oh, having some great fun club sets with no agenda. Oh, seeing someone who's brilliant at club sets with no agenda and really like inspiring. Like an old school pow, someone just knocks your block off with how good they are. And you go, oh, that. And then on the way back, I started listening to a fantastic climate, but I can't remember the author, but a really optimistic, upbeat, fact-filled climate book on audio book on the way back. And then got back into that. And I'm like, this, man, this is a state of flux.

Am I flip-flopping here between the mission and a feeling of like, you know, I can bounce out of the mission any time I want. It's my mission. I can do what I want. I'm just feeling like I'm taking stock, regrouping, and I've got a big sort of management meeting coming up next week. I've got a meeting with deck tomorrow and then a management meeting the week after where I've got to be like, right, let's plan the shape of the next year. And I've got so many irons in so many different pies. and so many fingers, in so many different fires, that I'm, I need to, what I did, here's what I did. I, um, oh, how much of this to share? Some of this, I think I'll save. I'll save some of this for the, for the Stewart A on the insiders thing, because some of it's a bit more intimate than our casual relationship, with all respect to you. Um, but I, I, I have sort of solidified it a bit. And it coincided with, I don't, I hope I didn't have COVID. I don't think I had COVID. I didn't have any symptoms apart from massive lethargy. And maybe that was just exhaustion from some crazy drives I've been doing recently, traveling around the place. I've been feeling really, really tired and

really strung out. And then it was only yesterday morning. I was doing some yoga. And halfway through the yoga, I laughed out loud. And my wife upstairs were like, you're all right. And I was like, yes, I've just experienced hope. I just like, I was so lethargic and so downbeat and wrestling with a lot of this, wow, what's next for the mission? What I want to do? All of that stuff. And then suddenly realized, oh, you've been ill, you've been ill for a few days. That's why you've been wobbling. So anyway, I've come out of the lethargy, I've come out of the feeling a bit under the weather, and I feel like I'm closer to kind of going, right, I think this is the mission now. There's a book that, written by, co-written by Harriet Beveridge and some

award-winning Olympian, some of, I think like a rowing Olympian, whose name I'm distressed not to know. And the book is called Does It Make the Boat Go Faster? And you've got to work out what your boat is. And then I assume, I haven't read the book. I'm just going from the title and some chats with Harriet. My assumption is that you work out what the boat is and then you get rid of all the extraneous stuff that doesn't make the boat go faster. And I think I've just been trying to captain four or five different boats. And I've just, I think, I don't think I've let go of any of the boats. I don't think I've released them from the little flotilla, but I think I have, at the very least, welded them together into some sort of god-awful, ugly catamaran. But it's all heading in one

direction now, so I feel better. There we go. I'll have to do you, because my tea's ready now. Um, uh, I will give you, if you're only, if you're in the Patreon, I've got some more specific stuff and a producer can't, if you could make a note and remind me when I do the Q&A, talk about the boat. And I won't know what you're referring to and we'll, you'll have to refer back of this and show me a transcription of it and I still won't know and that's just our working relationship but anyway that I'll get more into detail on the on the Patreon but um ultimately it's been a time of flux and we're going into we're in autumn now and it's it's like oh I'm gonna go to ground and it's a bit like it's a bit like that um the Emma said in the in the episode just now

about your brain naturally finding the funniest thing if you're not overthinking it and she still wants to evolve. And I think that's where I'm at at the moment. I'm like, I've been feeling a bit pinned down by my own overthinking, not just of the mission, but of the content. You know, content of the show. Like I said, I'm trying to fulfil. I remember when I did the Apollo

clang. Oh, it's Doors Week. Again, it's been lovely seeing everyone doing the Apollo this time. As opposed to the normal hateful mess that I would have been in the past. But I felt like I was following musical notation doing that

performance and I'm funnier and more natural when I'm not. So that is one of the challenges is the boat such as it is has to be about finding an evolving freshness and silliness in the comedy and feeling so confident in the subject matter that I can riff rather than feeling like I've got beats to hit. I think I've just worked out what my appraisal is of the Edinburgh show work in progress. So that's where that's at. But did you think that? Did you see it? If that makes any sense to you at all, jump me an email. I'll try and read it. Stuart at comedianscommedian.com. Or you can contact me through the Patreon. And I would, oh, God, do you remember Insiders Club when we used to have a Slack channel? Because it was free under

a certain number of members. Oh, the heady days of the slack. Anyway, that'll do me for now. Please do try and retain a consistent sense of self. And Callum, please make a note for the Patreon about EMDR for the next June A. That'll be quite interesting. Bye for now. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds.

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