The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - ACCOUNTABILABUDDIES Ft. Chris Fleming

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

This week Drew welcomes the hilarious and talented Chris Fleming! They talk about Chris's odd sleepwalking habits, getting "high" on Andes mints, cutting off their widow's peak, working door-to-door jobs and so much more. Drew: https://linktr.ee/drewafualo Chris: IG / TikTok For sponsorships/partnerships, email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Also, you're a point about coyotes. I have a whole bunch behind my house. I don't know why. I have some that sing at 12.17 a.m. every single night. That exact time? 1217. It's the craziest thing. They sound good.

They're like, it's time. Yeah. They like cackle, like hyenas. The sounds are... They're horrifying. Sometimes they sound like women screaming. Yeah, it sounds like Jojo Sea Woff. Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show,

starring me, your favorite. everybody knows me, who cares about me. On to the guest. Today we have the iconic, the hilarious, the amazing. Chris Fleming! I care about you, Audrey. I don't. I don't know why I thought it was going to be amplified.

I thought I was going to hear myself amplified. It was going to echo. You're used to the headphones. Welcome to the show. Yeah, it feels kind of unnatural without the phones. It does. Oh, I like that. It's real genuine energy between us.

We could be in the woods right now. And maybe we are? Yeah, we could be in a bunker. Yeah. I am so honored to have you as a guest. Honored. Honored. With the U.R., the British way?

Nah. Okay. Good old fashion. The Nebraska way. Yeah. Honored. Chris Fleming is a very successful and hilarious stand-up comedian. Thank you.

I don't think I've been described as successful to my face. That's nice. Well, you know, it's our first time hanging, so I got to be nice. Got to lie. No, we hung backstage, brief. Well, we were, we cohabitated. Yeah, we did. We didn't hang.

I stalked around passing ships. Yeah. We were really like gliding right past one another. Yeah. But it was a time to be had. An instant connection, you and I. Oh, yeah. I think.

Oh, it was electric. It's just palpable. Yeah. I don't think, I usually dry heave before shows. Did you see me dry heave? I don't think I was dry heaving that night. No, I didn't. And I'm also glad I didn't.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, dry heaving is just like a, just one of your routines. Yeah. Well, I used to get so nervous that I would dry heave.

Really? And then I started thinking I had to dry heave to wake my body up to perform. Interesting. That kind of the thing. So it's like vocal exercises, but it's just you violently gagging in the room. You're all, one second, please. Yeah. Is he okay?

Yeah. I'm ready to go. Yeah. Yeah. With an arched back on the ground. Like a cat? Yeah. I imagine it's like when a seagull's like swallowing a piece of fish.

It's like, yeah. My dog got that with a sock. My therapist was like, how's that dog wearing out? And I look outside and he's throwing a sock up and then he unhinged his jaw and it just goes down his throat. Really? And I had to take him the emergency vet. Yeah. I was like, excuse me.

It was five minutes in the therapy. Like, I actually have to log off really quick, but I will bring this up on the next session. He's old and dangerous and like, and he tries to bite me like every day. Does he know he's your dog or just kind of cornering him? It's like a parole officer situation that I, yeah, it's, it's disrespect is keeping him alive for me. Ooh, did you get those at the Ugg store? No, I actually got them as a gift. Okay.

I don't know where they came. I would assume they came from an Ugg something or other. If that was supposed to be our little secret that I see Ugg on the back, I'm sorry. Spotify can cut that. It's okay. There's a wide. They'll see it. Also, I didn't know Spotify is doing video.

Oh, yeah, girl. I saw your, I opened an episode and I thought it was, having like an anesthesia flashback or something. You're rolling all of a sudden. Yeah, yeah. So you and E.J. Marcus on spot? I'm like, am I getting hacked? I love E.J.

Oh, E.J. is great. Amazing. Chris and I both opened for our good friend, Caleb Heron. Yes. Good friend, mortal enemy. Same thing. It's all the same at the end of the day. Devant.

Yeah, sexual deviant, actually. Oh, yes, just untrustworthy, unsavory. Thief. A liar. Huge liar. God, all of the things. Even your... Noble.

Hot. Rich. Yeah. All the things. I feel like he would have been huge in the 90s. And I mean that in the good way. Literally? Like, no, I mean like he would have had a talk show in the 90s.

Probably. Like a talk show that all of our moms would watch. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Like a Dr. Phil situation. Or maybe more so Dr. Oz. Because like lots of older women like Dr. Oz. Why? I don't know.

He's a 10. He gives horrible advice and it's actually not a doctor, but... Yeah, and he's always like switching his calf muscles with each... Like, you know, he's always like doing stuff like that. That's why he looks so fresh. Like he's, like, getting implants and moving... Yeah, but he's swapping them out like tires. Upgrade to a new model.

Every two weeks. He bites a stick. Oh! But then he... And then he looks so hot. And he's like, I just locked in another 10 years. of that show. I thought this guy Scott got calf implants and I started a room

and they got calf implants in high school but turns out he just moved on top of a hill so every day he's running out there so his cats were like Jack and Jill why is he walking up a hill every day I get the fill of water which one of them died Jack or Jill

it was a suicide A murder suicide. A suicide packed Yeah yeah it was a real Waco situation like a civil action Yeah it was Waco yeah yeah it was Waco yeah tortured for like two weeks. I get people, uh, I know I'm blowing up when people, when the David Koresh comments started coming onto my videos. Oh yeah. Oh, just David Koresh.

Because you've got big glasses and long hair. I know that's when I've reached outside my, my audience. Yeah, you're, you're breaching Gen Z territory. Are you from Texas? You familiar with Waco by any chance? What's your opinions on Colts? How do you feel about it? Do you think you would fall into a cult? Caleb and I have talked about this. I would be in a managerial position. Interesting. In a cult. Yeah.

Oh, I could, at a certain point in my life, I could have fallen prey to a cult, definitely. But now I think I respect myself enough to kind of run it. Aim higher. And I have the look, you know. That's true. You have the energy. And the warm touch. You'd be, I think you'd be like, you would be in charge.

I think I'd be like HR. You would be? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be approving PTO. I'd be like handling sexual harassment, which would be my entire job. I'd be busy all the time. Yeah.

I'd be receiving complaints, handing them out. You would never stop. No, putting them on probation, but they can't leave. Yeah, that's my role. They probably have that in like a PDX and like in a Portland cult. They probably do have some kind of HR department. Yeah, I start a Slack channel for the cult so everybody knows where to meet up. Yeah.

Yeah. What would your cult be called? I honestly don't think I'd have any hand in naming and I think they would just hire me like staffing Like on Indeed I just get pulled out of a resume file Turns out I'm HR for a cult That's cool

I even when I talked to Caleb about being in a cult though I was telling him I don't think I'm I think I'm too smart to be in one Because I genuinely don't listen When people tell me things that I know aren't true Well that's your whole thing I mean that you have that very dismissive laugh you have the laugh that is

that is really putting men across this once great nation into their place you have you because you have the laugh of several people yeah true and that's why it's all my ancestors it's and that's every man's fear is to have the community laughing at them that so when you unleash that it's like when Doug funny would like see

all of his friends laughing in him you know like he'd have like a nightmare where you know like Doug would get his period or something and then every like everyone's like Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's true. I think that's... It's haunting.

That's why you're such an necessary force in the online world. Thank you. It's an honor. I feel like even when I was telling him, I think I'm too smart, when he had posted it online, a lot of people were like, smart people are always think they're too smart to get a cult and then they do. Well, maybe I'm just built different. Maybe I'm better than you. I don't know. Could be your blind zone.

I mean, do you know anyone who's cult-adjacent? Yeah. I know a couple Mormons, so I guess it's about the same, isn't it? Have you got to Scientology yet? No. They do, they frighten me a little bit. Oh. Just the energy of it.

Once we get in that lobby, we're not going, we're not getting out. Yeah, you know, I like to. You know they've got Andy's mints in there. And I'm sold. That's all I mean. You feel like you're in a fridge. You take a bite of Andy's. If you're on a bobsled, I'm not going anywhere.

What if that's how they've been recruiting? They're just handing out Andy's mints. Andy's mint. Next team gives out junior mints. We'll give out Andy's like a good, like a quasi-good restaurant. I'm a 4.5 star restaurant on Yelp. There's crack cocaine in those Andes men.

Those mints are good. There's a little bit of Novakain. And a beta blogger, so you just, you shouldn't drive. You got to wait 20 minutes before you drive. Or take the SATs after an Andes. Taking the SATs.

You pop an Andes. before you go take your SATs. Dude, where'd you go? I don't see you in those. Where are your eyes, man? I just had an Andes, dude. Eye off the Andes Mints. Just dead-eyed.

Just Gerard Carmichael eyes. Gerard's coming into the Andes. Oh, I know that look. That's Andy's Mitz. Yeah, they're in Peru right now. Can you imagine? That's how they were recruiting them. They were just drugging them with Andy's Mints

or just enticing them, I guess. That's how Gerard does his, that's how he does all those 20-minute pregnant pauses. He's just, he's just digesting in. And there's a science to it. He's clearly mastered it. Yeah. No, but anyone, I went into the parking lot of Scientology. That's my friend

and I were like, let's go to the parking lot. And they're truly like, in the lobby. Like a guy who looks like like, um, like a, what are the gondolas? Not the gondolas, but like the gondolas, like a chir-lift type thing. Okay.

And like one of those kind of Swiss looking thing. I'm telling him. If I was alone, I may have gone in. If you didn't have someone with you. If I didn't have an accountability buddy, an accountant buddy. What is it? Accountabella buddy? It's like a gym buddy. Well, an accountabilla buddy was also in the echidna platypus family, right?

And then the accountability. Yeah. Yeah. Me not even knowing what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right. Doesn't it sound like a like an egg laying mammal? And have the tail of a beaver, like a platypus.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the teeth of a schnauzer and the eyes of a man. Oh, yeah, that's the accountability, buddy. Are you afraid of any animals? You seem like someone that would be afraid of animals. Mm-hmm.

You got that energy about you. I hate coyotes. their chosen family. Although I do relate to that. You know when you see a coyote during the day and you're like, and I'm not supposed to be here? That's how people look at me when I'm walking around like Beverly Hill. There's something off about seeing you in the daylight.

But other than that, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something off about that. You shouldn't see me. Yeah, you shouldn't be looking at each other. Six to seven,

those are my hours where I'm, where I should be visiting hours. Do you have any animals that you're afraid of? Oh, okay, sorry, afraid of, I'm afraid of a ton of animals. Same. I was going to say.

I have very, very, I believe rational fears about lots of animals. Like what? Name a couple. Well, I hate, like, whales. I really fucking hate whales. I don't know. I know everyone's going to be like, I don't give a fuck. Hate them, hate them all.

What about their beautiful songs? Are you talking about the sonar? Yeah. One of them wrote fields of gold. Add it to the list of reasons why I hate them. I just don't, I don't think anything should ever be that big. I think you should just get less big. Totally. Those are my thoughts.

I mean, it's thrilling. And the only threat they really pose is if your kayak is right above the blowhole and they sneeze. Other than that, it's like, right? Yeah, other than that, they're just kind of existing and that bothers me. Also, watching like that SeaWorld documentary, Blackfish, is that what it was? Oh, yeah, I miss that one. It was crazy. But they are just way too fucking smart, too.

Oh, you're talking about the orcas. Yeah. Well, all of them. D, all of the above. How smart? Well, and according to those documentaries, like, those whales would, like, study, like, your patterns, like, where you would, you know, they do the little shows, and they, like, would pose at a certain place and throw a fish or whatever.

Yeah. So the main whale that was, like, fucking everybody up. The star. He was, like, studying them for months and learning where they went. And then that's how he would kill them because he would catch them when they were vulnerable. Like, they noticed that he was studying his, the pattern. of humans. You can't blame them. No, not at all. I mean, they should have unionized.

They should have let the whales unionize. I think that would be fair. They do make fish look appetizing. I think so. It's like a whole fish. You know, tossing them. I mean, you would know, you gulp them down all the time like a seagull. Also, your...

They were throwing me a Branzino in the green room. In the Brad's green room. No, that was on your... Rider. Your writer. Writer? Yeah, writer. How do you spell writer with a Y?

I actually don't. I think it would. No, I think it's just R-I-D-R. Yeah. I've been humiliating myself in some emails. I have no idea. That's why you spell it, if I'm being honest. Ryder, that's more like someone in the X games.

R-Y-D-E-R. That's funny. R-Y, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he hates both of us. Oh, yeah.

Oh, he doesn't even think of, he just pantses me. He doesn't even care enough to hate me. Yeah. That's a quick. Nerd. What are you doing with those up? Also, you're a point about coyotes? I have a whole bunch behind my house.

I don't know why. I have some that sing at 12.17 a.m. every single night. That exact time? 1217. It's the craziest thing. They check their watch. They're like, it's time. Yeah.

They like cackle, like hyenas. The sounds are... They're horrifying. Sometimes they sound like women screaming. Yeah, it sounds like Jojo SeaWaw. Sometimes it is Jojo Karma's a bitch It's a coyote

It's just Jojo yelling at her mom And they have a side pony And a big bow They do something They're horrifying They really are And I have two little Frenchies And those

You have two Frenchies Oh yeah Yeah so I've spent a lot of money On dog care If you couldn't guess By the breed that I chose to have Well yeah Yeah

I think sometimes my first Frenchie His name is Squid I think he is like, I miss the vet. And so he goes and eat something life-threatening, so I have to take him back. Drop fucking a rack on a shot, a steroid shot. I literally had to do that the other day

because he chose to step on a bee. Like he was like jumping around it and then he just went like this. Yeah, yeah. Turns out Frenchies can die from bee stings. Oh, yeah. Don't know if you knew that. Well, Frenches have a rough go of it.

Yeah, they are slated to die at any point. Like, I, like, he's got a real. You're just sitting outside waiting and get struck my lightning. Yeah. Yeah, and mine would, like, actually. How old are they? My first French squid is about to be two, and then my foster Frenchie is going to, he just turned one.

So his name is tuna. Oh, great. Squid and tuna. So we got a real marine type of theme, a sea life theme. Yeah, and tuna is completely deaf, so. Yeah. Got that working for me too. Yes.

Big old ears fucking useless. See, he does lip breeding. Tuna Get off that B Now histamine tuna My dog loves the vet so much too Who's so old and dangerous

And he's 120 pounds Okay And so what kind of dog is he? Mastiff Pit bull Damn And he he'll go to the vet And then he will refuse to leave And they're like no dog has ever

Not wanted to leave the vet What are you doing to this dog? Yeah, he loves the vet. And he tries to bite them when they try to put it. And me, when I'm trying to pull him out, it's humiliating. That's why I said, I don't think he knows he's your dog. Oh, no. People like, is he nice?

I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. And don't ask him. He's like, get mad at me. Yeah. Kind of. And people like, is he angry right now? I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know. He just screams at me all there. We don't talk. Mouth. I wake up with the wind of his breath. He goes, oh. And it's a black. He's, oh.

You're sensually breathing in your ear? Mm-hmm. Nice. Yeah. But the sounds of a dog who does hate you, in fact. Oh, yeah. Yeah. My dog squid is allergic to literally everything.

Like, when we first got him, he was totally fine, and then he developed this outrageous allergy. We couldn't figure out what it was to, and we switched his food a billion fucking times. And then one night, He had diarrhea literally every like 30 or so minutes. Like my boyfriend and I stayed up all night, kept letting him out. And that poop was shooting out of him like a flare gun. Totally.

It was like, like a practical effect. Yeah, it was like shooting him forward almost. And it was like, I felt so bad for him. And then I had to take him to a fucking specialist. Yeah. A dog, like a bulldog specialist. And even then, like he was kind of pacing in the waiting room when I was like filling out paperwork. And my boyfriend was like, I think he has to go to the bathroom.

I want to take him outside. Mind you, where we're at, there's no grass really at all. It's like all pavement everywhere. Yeah. And so he takes him out and there's like a concrete jungle man. And that was the start of that song. Yeah. Helicia Keyes.

No pet relief? Concrete jungle, we're doing. There's nothing you can't do. Literally, there's like these three fake flowers like right in front of the fucking, Like the door, the front door. I love how they need a David Attenborough screenshot to relieve themselves. Was trying to walk him over there.

And he just, he had to go so bad. And he sprayed all over those stairs. It was so bad. And then my boyfriend goes, it's so bad. It's all over the wall. He's the destroyer of all things that are beautiful. You're saying that he did this all over the flowers. Yeah, all over the flowers.

And the wall behind it. Yeah. That seems like like a, like a protest. Against beauty. It's a real like Pollock situation going on. The Bulldog specialist, what's he like or she like? He was honestly really weird. Like what you would imagine a bulldog specialist is like, that was what he was.

I'd imagine stressed out. Yeah. And he's like, we don't know. First off. Something's up, but. The office itself was built, I think, in the 1950s and had not been updated at all. Yeah. So the little table they put them on looked like those ones they would

strap women to and give a lobotomy to put a leather belt in his mouth. I've spent some time on those. And then also as he's talking to us, he's like, oh, okay. And he's like asking us questions. He just immediately starts putting shit up his ass, like his fingers. No glove. I was like, all right. Well, that feels a little off book, but I got a lot going on.

He's going on. I was like, I'm going to table that for now and I'll come back to that later. I just need you to tell me if my dog's going to die. This guy sounds cool. He fixed him. Yeah. He gave us like... No clock.

No cloth. We were like, oh. Damn, dude. Oh, okay. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. For sure. And he gave us like seven medications.

He's like, try all of this. If it doesn't work, then we'll have to read this. I'm like, okay. And then me and my boyfriend running fucking hospice for like a month. For like every six hours, every nine hours, every 12 hours, every 24 hours. Oh, totally. New med. No, it's a full-time job.

Yeah. For a dog that doesn't care if I live or die. No. I know. But God's watching. God's saying good. Good job, Drew. What's your favorite animal?

I feel like Long Beach is just bulldogs on skateboards now. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you been to Long Beach recently? That's who's gentrifying Long Beach? It's a bulldogs on skateboards going around. There's no people. It's just bulldogs on skateboards. They're like, do they live here?

Yeah, where the people? You see Snoop Dog occasionally. Sorry, what was your question? What was my, what's my, did you say, what's my favorite animal? Yeah. That was curious. I mean, it's boring, but dogs, I'm a dog fiend. I feel that.

Yeah. Even though, do you only have the one dog or do you have one dog? Two dogs, yeah. Oh, what's your other dog? Well, you know, here's my night terrors. Okay. I have, like, a, like a, I sleepwalk. Okay.

And my latest one is nightly, when I'm stressed, yeah. Nightly, I believe that I have four dogs when I only have two. And so imagine me roaming the land looking for two dogs that they're not there, Drew. Do you leave your house? Until I eventually figure out, oh, that's right. Do you experience, like, grief? It's relief. I mean, it's shame.

It's relief. My dad's a big sleep. He's a nightly sleepwalker. Really? Yeah, yeah. That's kind of horrifying. Because, oh, yeah. And he screams at the top of his lungs.

Do you ever do it? Have I ever sleptwalk? No. No. I have slept talk. I used to sleep talk when I was a kid a lot more. But yeah, sleepwalking, uh-uh. Don't have that.

It may have been Caleb. I think Caleb may have told me that he conducts business in his sleep. Like business, Chad? Maybe, maybe I'm imagining this. Hey, Jordan Belford. Fuck him. Was he running his fucking penny schemes? Jordan Bells for.

What he's fucking asleep? Do you ever see? TikToks with Jordan Belfort. He's like, hear me out. Please. Like, I don't like, he's always getting himself in a new messes.

Yeah, fuck that. The cops are like, Jordan, Jordan, wrap it up. Stop blogging. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can't go back there.

There's like, an eel on his dick. He's like, well, no, hear me out. Hear me out. It's not, it's different this time. You need the context. You need the context. Yes, yes. When did you start sleepwalking?

or at least noticing that you were childhood but it's like it's normalized in my family because we're Catholics you have to like is that just real common in Catholic families also I'm sorry I washed this shirt

recently and it's been it's basically like a tube keeps riding up Bodycon it's real hug hug in the curves they call me body con my email is bodycon

at body at gmail.com Bodycom.com. Yeah. Well, I asked about the Ugg store thing because I had to stay in Times Square for a couple days. And for some reason, my goal was to go to the Ugg store. Okay. And I kept just...

Procrastinating it? I would walk out and I'd be like, not today. And I never made it in there, but I know what's in there. Do you have to have a specific energy? It's amazing. Yeah. To be in the UG store? I didn't want to be let down.

I think like it needs to be. It's like my Eldorado. Because you ever see like... The city of gold is the other star. That's my city of gold. It's the flag. Because I used to work in times. I used to work at the Antedator loft flagship.

I used to wardrobe lady cops. And I would put my hands on their shoulder. I was trained to put hands on shoulders and talked to them in the mirror. And except there was a CD-ROM about how I learned. What are you doing in an Ann Taylor loft? This was college. And it was the, I'm telling you, I've never been better at a job in my life. I open it up 5 a.m.

Hit play on the Gwen Stefani, and they are blasting Gwen. It's like, people walk in and they're like, We're back to Waco. And my own world. They have a damn in my own girl. And people are like, please. Please turn it down. I'll buy any pants that you want.

Please. Just end this torture. I'll buy these accessories. I learned my retail fold. You wouldn't believe how tight I fold. God, I bet. Hands on shoulders. And look at, and we, the one training is you speak to them only through the mirror.

You never make eye contact in person. Come with me to the mirror. Look at this. Look at the way the smart blazer plunges. Yeah. You're dressed in all lady cops. It's all lady cops. And women who are real estate agents after the age of 40.

Probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was a rough scene. How long did you work there for? Just a summer. And then I left in my body.

cried when I left. I was like, Christian, you knew this day was coming. I told this was a summer job. I was very clear. I went to New York to do stand-up, and then I was like, you know what? I think I'm just going to work at the Ant Taylor Law. I did, like, one show.

I was like, this is way better. Turns out. Turns out the loft. It's where it's out. It's on to higher places, the Ugg store. Yeah, well, that's my dream. because they have like, I don't even know what they have. I assume it's like all sorts of multicolored footwear

that's like European and fuzzy but like big. Oh yeah, totally. I just, it's my imagination, I don't want to be. Remember that movie American Hustle? Yeah. I needed that to be better than it was. And then I saw it in theaters and I was like ruined for like two years. I needed it.

So desperately. Yeah, I hitched to everything. All my hopes and dreams under that movie. being good. I'm like, Amy Adams is in that coat. This is going to be good. And it just like,

it just wasn't. It just wasn't what you needed it to be. You didn't want to find out that way. Never meet your heroes. Jennifer Lawrence is doing like a groundlings character. I was just like, who are we not, guys? Please.

Girllings, that's fucking risen. I feel like they have a groundlings at L.A.X now. I bet. It's on the TikTok shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could join on there. Right next to Lemonade. Oh, God, how do you feel about signing the TikTok thing?

Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, Drew. God, I don't know. I guess we'll see. Didn't he just open a TikTok? He has to come on my show. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. What?

He's a email that said, would Drew like to have as a guest? And I said, fuck, no. Wait, wait, wait, Drew, you got to. I'll be you for the day. Wait, you said no to the... I said, fuck no, I don't want that shit. Are you out of your mind?

Fuck no. Oh, Drew. Let's talk about this after. You've got to get... I mean to tell you, you gotta get... Ask him. It would be the funniest shit. It's going to be rough for an hour, and then you have gold.

I will say, yeah, but I'm not having any approved questions. I want to ask him whatever I want. First thing, I'm going to be like... You ever thought about putting a dick in your mouth? Be honest. As a matter of fact, yes. You ever kissed a man on the lips? Lyndon me Johnson.

The 70s were actually not that bad. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that crazy? That's so funny. Oh, my God. Maybe it's my fault. It got banned because I said no. Maybe it's my fault.

The Queen of TikTok. Sorry, all. Needs to be shut down. Might be. Yeah. A necessary sacrifice on the altar. My bad. Had to do it.

I'm sorry. On the slab. Yeah. In order to stay. young and successful I had to sacrifice another lamb so there you go to bathe myself in the blood so I did it

with lamb blood I love a sacrificial lamb reference that's nice right that's really nice that goes back to us being in cults together probably made for it to me honest we wouldn't sacrifice the lambs we would jack them up with hormones

so they're like so they're fucking yoked just because and our in our cult, the lambs become sheep fast. Then they get too strong like Planet of the Apes. Wait protein.

Oh yeah, then they're riding horses. When they're When you see another animal riding a horse, that's when you pack the bag. Yeah, we're out. You give up. The chimp on the horse riding side saddle.

Yep. Well, we had a good run, guys. He's riding bear back. I've never even seen the movies. to see that and you know it's done. Yeah. Those movies honestly terrifying me. Oh, it's scary.

Because I feel like they're so realistic. Like that to me is way more realistic than like a fucking walking dead situation. Absolutely. I think I think if chimps like decide it's over. Yeah. Like we saw what Coco's up to. And that's not even a chimp. We saw Coco mourning, mourning her kitten and like.

Yeah. Yeah. No. there was this video I saw recently on TikTok and it was like this full grown male gorilla and like did you see it I think it was on Instagram too but it was like these the zookeepers that were feeding him they got stuck in there and they had to like wait yeah and they were like running around like yeah like just being frozen and waiting but I was like you're literally watching that gorilla decide whether or not it's worth it like he's looking and he's going I could rip both of your heads clean off oh totally And the way he's moving, I love how, like, he's so smooth, like he's running, but his upper body is just completely still. He's like, he's like going 35 miles per hour. And the ladies are like, I was my favorite part. Watching them make decisions is horrifying to me. I'm like, oh, I'm good. They're way too fucking smart. No, I'm good. I, like, if the monkeys take over, I'm yielding. Oh, no, yeah. White flag in the air.

Oh, yeah. I'm one of y'all. Just drive away. Leave the door open. Your house is their house. When the monkeys want it, they get it. Hey, take whatever you want. Yeah.

No qualms for me. It's actually no worries. Do you know anyone with a monkey? Not personally now. I feel like if it weren't for what MJ did, then more people, more celebs would have monkey. Like Bradley Cooper obviously has a secret monkey. Obviously. Yeah.

Obviously. Yeah. How do you think he's staying young too? Maybe he's doing that. Maybe he's taking monkey blood. Who knows? We start another rumor. Well, Bradley Cooper is taking monkey blood.

And he has calf implants. We start two rumors at the same time. How did you feel about the maestro thing when they were like he spent six years learning to conduct in and they like show him like just like conducting like you or I would conduct? It's like. They were like, it wasn't six full years. Six years, huh? Were you just like thinking about it? Were the weekends free?

Six years on and off. Yeah. For a minute on a Tuesday. You know, it's like one minute, one day every Tuesday for six years. Yeah, once a year. I don't, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I see, I sometimes feel like I see art and whether it's a movie or like a painting. And I'm like, or collage.

Yeah. And I'm like, am I the dumbest bitch alive or does this not make sense? Like, or is this stupid? I have really bad reading comprehension. And I can never understand anything I'm reading. Because I started zoning you out. Yeah. Thinking about God knows what.

There was something recently where I saw it and I was like, oh yeah, I'm not part of this culture anymore. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I mean, or like, yeah, people, the way people are emotionally connected to things now, like, people would be like, oh, you got to hear this chapel ron song. And they're like, oh, it's breaking my heart. And then it's just called like, who's going to eat you out when I'm forging upstate? And you're like, this isn't. This is sad, okay. Yeah.

It's either I'm on... This is distance learning. Yeah. I'm either a million years old or I'm just the dumbest bitch alive. Like, it's one of the two. I feel like that sometimes about the Oscars movies. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I try my hardest. Yeah. Well, which what in particular recently? Oh, I watched or I tried to watch a zone of interest. Yeah. And it was very interesting. That's the one.

That's the one where they're next door to a concentration camp. And you just hear it. Yeah. And you're watching the family live a really normal life next to awfulness. Which like, yeah, that part was like crazy. My parents didn't get it. And they were very, they were very vocal about that to me. I never saw it, but they were like, Chris.

It's a lot of sounds. You don't see it. Yeah. I'm like, right, right. No, I think that's the. Well, yeah. I fell asleep, honestly. Yeah.

There are some movies I watch where I'm like, I wish I had the piece of your brain that's like, wow. I wish I could pick this apart. and dissect it. I don't have it. Nothing but monkeys riding bareback of my horses in my fucking head. That's all that's up here. Yeah, it's kind of all I can take is Pliny of the Apes' trailers.

Can't even watch the movie. I just, I mean, I'm at a point where I'm just re-watching the episode of Breaking Bad, where Walt lives in the cabin in New Hampshire. I'm just watching that, like, over and over and over and overhand. Yeah, yeah, where he's just like warbing himself by a fire. And his glasses are like shitty. That's all I can watch. And that's because you feel represented on screen. You're like, representation is so important.

Yeah. Good to see myself on the screen. Yeah. That's another thing that I never understood is like people see themselves and things. And that's why they like them. I've never known that was a thing. I'm never like, oh, that's me. That guy, me.

Yeah. I don't even, like, relate to the experience. I'm just like, nice. I think I'm, like, missing a crucial audience muscle. Yeah. Same. That's why I was like, I don't know if I'm just not creative. at all.

You're creative. Yeah, I guess like, I'm funny. Like, one time I was talking to someone and they were like, oh, I, I mispronounce. Oh, it was Winnie. Winnie Cummings. I was talking to her and she was like, I mispronounce your name was. I felt so embarrassed. And I'm like, did you?

She was like, yeah, on your show. I said it and she explained the context to me. And then I was like, you want to something funny is I had no idea that you did that because I was waiting for you to stop talking so I could tell my joke. So, like, so like the bit was going in my head. And I was like, man, when she's done, I'm going to fire this off, me not even listening. And she was saying some bad shit about it. She's just saying awful things about it.

Yeah. No, and I was like, so that's like what's turning on a wheel in my head is like just a never-ending bits. Like I just can't stop. That aware. No, but that's, that is the brain of an artist is just a bit factory. That's great. Well, you said it on me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. When I watched the bear, I was like, that's literally me. The close up on the arms. Yeah. I said literally me. I never saw the bear, but it looks sexy. Do you never watch anything new?

No, I'm a culture scavenger. After everything's kind of cooled down, I'm like, Picking through the remains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throwing into VCR. Oh, people were right. No one wants to talk about it by then. Yeah.

That's honestly, I feel honestly very seen by that. I watch the same shit over and over and over again. And then like three years after everyone, likes it, I'll watch it. I'm waiting for the soprano. I'm waiting to do cocaine and watch the Sopranos until I'm like in my 80s. Oh, that's great. What a plan.

Just when you can strung out. Watch the Sopranos. My sister just watched the soprano. She said she really liked it. Yeah, it's great. Every time she's like, oh, have you seen this? I'm like, nope. I tried to get through the pilot episode of Mad Men like 30 times.

Oh, yeah, I couldn't get behind Mad Men. I tried. Oh my God Maybe if I was in an MRI tube Or in like a broke down pat Like a foreign jail If I'm in like a foreign jail If I'm in like Italian jail

And I'm like please I didn't do it They're like Niazzi or Niave Prego Prego Prego Okay I'll watch Mad Men

Like I can't even get the phone call Yeah yeah yeah They're like they're just pointing at the TV You just have to watch it That's your sentence That's just to watch. Yeah. Yeah, even Breaking Bad, like, I started watching Breaking Bad, and then it got to a point

where I was like, well, it can't get any worse than that. And then it always got worse than that. And then I was like, I can't do the show anymore. So I gave up. I stopped watching. You want to watch like a happier product. Yeah. It's more so like, it depends on the level of severity.

You know, at some point, some shows you're like, okay, well, now we're dragging it. Like, let's kill everybody off and let's put an end to all of our misery. That's why I felt about Sons of Anarchy. When I watched Sons of Manorke, I love. to that show. Yeah. Well, that brought male grooming way back.

Like, like, now it's like a lot of guys that just, you know, like it's better for guys to know nothing about male grooming than a little bit about male grooming. Yeah. It's like,

oh, God. Introduce everyone to beard oil. And it's like, oh, God. So just these guys showing up with beard oil. It's like, you know?

Some suavisito in hand. And that's like, you know the son's anarchy haircut? Yeah. And the long beard. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.

All a leather vest. Yeah. All of a sudden. Yeah. Is that all it is? It's them kind of biking around? Pretty much. Yeah.

That's like the whole show. It's like they're, I mean, they're like drug mules essentially. Oh. So like a biker gang, but really like the cartel almost. Bikers have ignored me my whole life until I got this mastiff. And then they come up and they go, you got a beautiful boy. One guy was crying, truly crying. Really?

That's a beautiful. Beautiful boy. I don't like you. But you're a beautiful boy. He's talking to your dog. Yeah. They can't even look at me. You stay over there, please.

I'm having a hard time what, like, imagining you interacting with, like, a true biker gang. Yeah. Only with him. Only with him. And he's the conduit. Although, I did go, you know, the rainbow room in? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

It's like roadies and stuff from, like, the 70s. They're very gentle with me. I think they put their hand on the small of my back. Excuse me, baby. You turn around and then they get mad. Right, it could just be there. It's because you were in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer. They got confused.

I was wearing a smart blazer. Coral. My bad. Mm-hmm. What's a movie that you do like? No panties. Sorry? Movie that I do like.

Like a new one? Whatever you're fancy. Whatever you're feeling, whether it's your fave one, a recent one you watched. No, you're not going to like this. The Shining is my favorite right now. You know what? You got that look about you. You're a big horror movie guy.

Like, I could have guessed that about you. I know, I know. Smelled it on you when he came in here. I know. I watched that movie, I think, not too long ago for the first time ever. I watched it on planes to calm down. That is a little frightening. I know.

That thought is a little frightening. It's just so funny because he keeps being like, we're going to have a great time. Like he keeps telling his family how fun it's going to be. It's like, and it's getting less and less one rapidly. It's so not fun. When he's chasing Danny around,

I'm just like, this is it. The weirdest part of that, it's funny because when I first watched it, I think I was like in college, and I watched it at home with my parents. Yeah. And my little brother, I think, tried to watch it, but he got too scared and he left.

And my mom was like, there's a part in this movie that fucked me up so bad when I was a kid, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Like, she wanted me to guess what it was. What part was it? Oh, the dog? No. Do you want to guess? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, it was a weird, random moment in the movie. Is it when Scatman Crothers is on his bed, just kind of like, and there's all those topless models on the wall? And it's like a 20-minute zoom out? Okay. But that part is fucking weird. I love that part. Naturally.

That's when I go and get a drink. I come back and it's only like a little bit further out. Something Shelley Duval, obviously. No, I think, I don't know. Well, I actually don't know if Shelley Duval was in the scene. I don't think she was, but it's the part with the old lady when she's naked. Oh, oh my God, yeah. Yeah.

And she's just walking like, my mom was like that. Well, you think it's a hottie and then it turns out it's a dead old lady. And Nicholson's like, I mean, it's the original catfishing. Yeah, yeah. Nicholson got catfished in room four. She's like, fuck, I hate when that happens. Yeah. I'd fucking Tinder.

What's your favorite movie? I think one of my favorite movies all the time is Uncle Buck. I've never seen Uncle Buck. You should watch that one. I just know he does the shovel flap jacks, right? Yes. He makes the giant pancake for his birthday. Yeah.

Truly one of my favorite movies in all the time. You love John Candy. I do love John Candy. But it's like, it's like just so fucking. fucking funny. I watched it recently, like, during the holidays with my family. I was laughing like, I've never seen the shit. I'm like, ha, ha, ha, I'm like, I'm front row. I've just, like, I've never seen it in my life. But that's one of my favorite movies. I like a little, I like a funny movie. I only recently started watching horror movies because I really don't like horror. Then, yeah, you shouldn't. I, I, I know. Most people shouldn't. No, no, it's not. I just, I don't know what. Yeah, I mean, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, I can be anxious about what's happening. And not worry about everything out. Gotcha. Have you ever seen Hereditary?

Of course. That movie, that's to this day, probably the scariest movie I've ever seen. But the context in which I saw it was horrible too because my sister was like, let's go watch a scary movie. And I was just branching out into scary. Oh, it's like, okay for sure. It's so crushing, too. It is. It breaks you.

It's a really great movie. It's just horrifying. When you find out that she had it coming because she was a demon. that makes it a little bit better. Yeah, that's true. Than just like a random fourth grader. Yeah. But in that period where you're like, I don't think I'm ready for anything.

I think I need to go home. And then you're like, oh, okay, she was a demon. When it got to the, like, after, like, she dies in the movie or whatever, spoiler alert. I remember my heart was like in my fucking throat like the entire time. And it was going past that part. And I was telling my sister, I was like, dude, how. How fucking long is this movie? Oh, yeah.

I can't take this. It's 24 hours. Yeah, yeah. And we were, I saw it in the theaters too. Me too. And that was like one of the first movies I had watched in so long where I like, I could not go to sleep for like days. Do you check the shower curtain? Yeah.

I always check shower curtains. Oh, yeah, all the time. Every bathroom I ever been in. I don't know what I'm going to do when I find. When I find a guy. Yeah, if you do find them. Yeah. They're probably hiding from you.

Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Your sleepwalking is probably freaking them out a little bit. You ever think about people that might, oh, no, I don't want to say this to you. No, go ahead. Go ahead. There's a theory that there are some houses where there's people like that live in your house.

Yeah, like on some like, what's that movie called, the boy? Is that the boy? The one where he lives in the walls? Oh, God. You ever seen that one? No. It's like. It's not a good quality of life, though, for them.

Also, you've got to pay rent if you're laying. You know what I mean? You're going to haunt me at least fucking contribute. You'd hear them on Zoom. Yeah. I think if they were there. The Wi-Fi is slow. They're like, can you log off?

Please, I have a meeting. There's a scary movie called The Boy. And it's like this lady gets hired to be a car or like a nanny. And then the parents are like, okay, here he is. And it's a puppet. Like it's a little doll, a little boy doll. And she's like, you want me to take care of the doll? And they're like, yeah.

And they have this list of instructions. And they're like, you have to do all of these things. And you have to do them in order. And she's like, okay. And of course, she's like doing it. first, but she's like, this is a fucking doll. Like, I don't have to, she starts deviating. And then the doll starts, like, moving on its own.

Acting out. Yeah, turns out, spoiler alert, again, it's their son, like the old couple that hired her, it's their son and he's like developmentally behind. He thinks he's a little boy still or like wants to be. And he lives in the walls. And he's the one who's been moving the doll. Oh. And he watches her through like little people everywhere.

Like he has all these little holes drilled everywhere. Yeah. Oh. That's the, the twist is that he is an actual. man, but he's living in the walls. He's in the drywall? Yeah, like, literally. He has, like, little secret passageways that he built to, like, scurry within them, like, a little rat.

He's a full-grown man. That seems like you would hear that someone having that job in L.A. It's, like, a very L.A. Oh, yeah, when I first moved to L.A. I was a caretaker for a doll, but the boy was in the walls. That was the whole thing. Yeah. It was pretty good. Didn't pay very well, but... Yeah, 20 an hour.

No work experience required, though. No, no. What's the weirdest job you've ever had? I was just, well, I don't know if it's weird, but it's surprising. And I was a ski instructor for a while. And people get really bummed out when they hear that. When my fan base found out that I ski, they're like, this is not what we, this is not the promise.

No, not at all. Yeah. You big skier, you like this now? My family likes it. I got, I did it for the, for the snow bunny lifestyle. Gotcha. I'd like to drink hot cocoa in the lodge. Yeah.

Gab with the gals. Yeah. Obviously. Yeah. And I, yeah. And I picked up the ability to, but I would, yeah, I was teaching like three to five year olds for a while. Okay. Which is mostly just them just kind of falling over and then me picking them up. It's pretty cute.

And did you like that job? No. No. Not particularly no. It was very grueling. It was four years. And it was... Damn.

That's a long ass time. It was all high school. Yeah, every... Is that like year round or did you only go like during? Oh, gotcha. Yeah, in New Hampshire. Yeah. Fancy.

What's your weirdest job? Um, my weirdest job was probably the job I had like right out of college where I worked in public, like, it's public relations, but basically outreach. And it's fancy. chmancy words for like I had to give people bad news about construction. So I get to tell them like your commute's going to suck for the next 15 years. I hope you're cool with that. Your tax dollars are going towards it. Anyways, do you want to get emails about it? Oh my God. Yes, no. Like you would tell people in an area like, oh, they're going to build. Yeah, like when they were expanding the 405 and all that. Oh my God. Oh yeah. My sister and I trekking up and down those neighborhoods selling

everybody. Hey. They're going to be power drilling behind your house for the next two and a half years, minimum thoughts about that or it was how do you feel yeah go ahead tell me I have nothing better to do yeah it's Tuesday and it's 12 p.m. and it's a million degrees outside I'd love that and then I'm sure they yell at you like you are the one making oh yeah yeah yeah I've made that joke before too I'm like well clearly I'm the one who makes the choices because I'm wearing a too small polo and I'm on your doorstep I'm the head honcho in charge I made the call girl fuck the freeway. I hate them too. Right. I don't care. I love how people assume it's the same. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They would scream at me. Like, we would do these, um, things called neighborhood meetings.

Mm-hmm. And I don't know if you all know this, but like old people love a neighborhood like they, you want to pack the house bitch. You say neighborhood meeting, free coffee and donuts. A thousand old people outside. Like, immediately. They're outside. And they would, they would come in and they would sit down. They would be there 15 minutes early. Yeah. picking everything and they'd sit down and they would bitch and moan like they would scream and yell at us and i was like i'm literally 22 like i don't give a fuck about this job girl oh my god i don't care like my sister and i we joke about it all the time because i was like why were we doing that like what the fuck am i doing door to door stuff is horrible it's the scariest i did that 22 as well oh you did

Not that specifically. No, but yeah, door-to-door job. What were you doing? Trying to get people to, I would find a house that needed to be painted, like a decrepit house. And I would knock on the door, and I'd be like,

you should get your house painted. And here's the guy you can do it. And then be like, fuck you. How fucking dare you. For looking at my house like that. Because I'm just like walking around, just like looking for like paint that's crisping.

I couldn't ever go door to door now. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's so scary to think about. I know. Especially now, I feel like. With ring camera doorbells and all that, like they didn't have that shit when I was doing it.

And it's a good thing because I was complaining on the job all the fucking time. Fuck this. Yeah. Yeah. God, I fucking hate this job. Yeah. And I knock on the door. And I feel even at those neighborhood meetings, like the amount of times my

sister and I were screamed at by old people. And one time this guy was like just yelling. my sister about it. Like he was like, ah, like this fucking freeway, blah, blah, and then he goes,

and my sister goes, I know, I'm so sorry. We can give you updates via email. I can give you a phone number to call, you know, to tell them your grievance. And he was like,

what's your citizenship? Like, he just immediately was like, what country are you from? My sister goes, me? She's like, he's been talking to her for 15 minutes.

Me? Like, yeah. She's like, are you asking me? And he's, like yeah that's a good way to give your just have a second to think me and a one-on-one yeah yeah let me just give me a second yeah she was like yeah um here like this is the russians who want to improve at the freeway yeah yeah you know yeah they have yeah they have an illegal

alien giving you information about the fucking freeway what the fuck are you talking about. I was like, I even went up and I was like, What's your citizenship? Yeah. What's your citizenship? And she was like, what? Like, what the fuck?

I even, I interrupted too. And I was like, what's going on? And he was like, I want to know what country are from. And then I go, she's in L.A. Yeah. Actually, it was in Orange County. Oh, oh. Tracks.

Yeah. And so he was like, I want to know what country she's from. I go, why? What does that have to do with the freeway? Nothing, right? Get out of here. I was like, I can't do this job anymore. You're on someone's doorstep?

No, that was actually at a neighborhood meeting. Oh, okay, okay. That was one of those fucking neighborhood meetings, dude. One time my sister was like, I have to play this voicemail dude that I got, and she got a voicemail from a guy talking for, I'm not kidding, 20 minutes, and he needed to know what type of gravel they were using on the 405 freeway. why would you ever need to know that? He was just like insistent.

He's like, I need to know. I need to know. You need to call me back. And my sister had to call an engineer, talk to them, call someone else, approve it, then call him back, explain it. He was on Jeopardy. I need to know right now.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, please, please, please. She's his phone of friend. Yeah. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Quebec's being patient. Please, though. He gave me five. He gave me five.

Limestone. So now she knows what kind of gravels on the 405? What kind of gravel is on the 4-5? Oh, concrete. Or asphalt, yeah. What a dweeb. What a fucking door. What a little pencil neck geek.

It's amazing. I just want to throw that guy into a locker. And that's not my style. Yeah. But it's what the universe calls. What kind of fucking... I just don't, I'll never understand. I think the things old people find to complain about, endless.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you ever have a job where you worked with old people? Old people. Oh, yeah. I was a health club front of, like a front of house greeter. Really? Yeah.

Oh, like an old people gym? It was a... It was like a sauna situation. Well, I guess it was old people for the water aerobics, and that was that was That was where they made their real, their real bag. It's just, you know, it's that kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of one pieces, yeah.

Yeah, no, it was a rough, that was a rough job. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was me and a bunch of older ladies who worked at desk. Okay. And, yeah, they were cool. Yeah. It was 2006.

Not a great year. Just overall. Yeah. Are we the same age? 37? No. I don't really want to tell you my age. No, no, you shouldn't.

You're late 20s. Yeah, I'm 28, going to be 29. Everyone I meet is 28 now. Really? Yeah, and my life is just jam-packed a 28-year-olds. Vine's 25. Like, everybody meets, they're like 24, 25. Jesus.

I know. That's a baby in swaddling linens, 25. I say the same thing, especially because I'm a dickhead on the internet, like, whenever I meet other people from the internet, they're like, oh, I'm 21. And I'm like, oh, they're like, how old are you? 28? Damn. Like, is the immediate reaction. Oh, damn. Wait, they think 28's old? Yeah, all the time. They're like, oh my God, you're like almost 30. And I'm like, okay. Is that a bad thing? Good thing? I can't tell. You was you and Caleb talking about how Caleb trying to get set up with a 36-year-old.

37-year-old. He's like, what am I going to take him to die out? Yeah. He's like, what am I going to? Tell me up to do what? Take him to his appointment. they got so mad at us on TikTok. They got pissed the fuck off on TikTok. I even wrote on there, I was like, don't be mad. Gen Xers, it's a joke. They're not Gen Xers. We're all millennials.

Elder millennials. Yeah, elder millennials. I was like, I was joking about that though, but I was like, I was like, plus I know your blood pressure needs to stay low. So relax. Take it down. I'm not to chill. It's so funny.

It is. And it's funny too because in the context of the clip right before that we were talking about being fucking old. compared to everybody on the internet. Like, we're a million years old. Compared to everybody. They're always like, oh. Yeah.

Thought you were a lot younger than that. I think when we had 40, I do think our phone should be taken away. And we're given, like, a fake phone where we think we're uploading. Good video, Chris. It's getting a lot of engaged. I think that's fair. Yeah. I rather enjoy getting older.

I don't. Oh, it's so good. It's way better. Oh, my God. didn't stop moving in my 20s. I was just like a humming. I was like, I was flitting from one flower to the next. I'd be like, meet me here and then I just like run right by them.

I just like couldn't stop. I know, same. My boyfriend has a, has a brother and his brother's like, what, 23? Yeah, 23. Young. Military. Oof. Yeah, one of those.

Which branch? Army. Yeah. Wow. Rip. He's coming. He's coming. gets out actually this year.

But I remember he called us once and he was like asking us something about like he was trying to make some sort of dish and then he was like what are you making? And he was like oh I'm making a dish for this party I'm going to. It's like a potluck. And he goes, what fucking party are you going

to at 23 that's a potluck? And we were fucking laughing. I was like no fucking for real. I bring nothing but vibes and like a half drinking handle of Captain Morgan. Like that's what the fuck I'm showing up with. When I'm 23? Yeah.

He's like, what part of you're bringing, you're bringing Franzia in your hands. Yeah, literally. You're like, I saved this from last night. This is for me. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that reminds me. There was one girl that used to hang out with my friends in college and I, and we, we sniffed her out, like her little strategy out well into her coming and hanging out with us all the time. But we used to be like, it wasn't ever Pollock, but it's like if you come and you bring your own liquor kind of thing,

we all kind of share, right, whenever we'd have parties or whatever. Yeah. We found out pretty late in the game that she was bringing the same bottle of wine that was half drinking that she would keep in the trunk of her car. And that was her contribution. Always took it home. Brilliant. Brilliant.

You know, it was like, brilliant. She was finessing us for months. Yeah. For literally months. Yeah. Yeah, a grifter. Yeah. That's, you're doing this to other grifference.

No, seriously. She was finessing us for. What were you bringing? I would normally bring. my friends and I would bring like a 30 rack of like rolling rock or something like BBR. Do they still have Maddie Ice? Yeah. Maddie Ice was I remember.

That was a. Yeah. That was like that like for Loco MD 2020. MD 2020. What's MD 2020? Is it Mad Dog? Yeah. Mad Dog.

You've ever had those? No. They come in these like liquor bottles and they're like the brightest colors. Like a good stick. Yeah. Like you're not supposed to eat that. No. That you are not supposed to.

Like those buzzer. balls. Yes. I've had those. Have you looked at it for a while? It's like. Yeah, you can see your fortune in there. You're going to shit in your pants.

That's your fortune inside those. Yeah. It's what do they call when you, it's like the liquid that you drink so that you see things in your body. Contrast. Contrast liquid. You can see it moving. It's just nurses selling it. It's in a buzz ball.

It's a buzz ball. I know this game. Yeah. Yeah. The first time I had the MD 2020, it's like the neon liquor. These two girls, they drank them. Like, drank the entire thing. I only had a couple drinks that they drank the whole thing.

And they were so fucked up. And I remember they were being too obnoxious. So my buddy was like, hey, you guys got to go because we were like at a house party. And they were like, I have to use the bathroom. And he was like, okay, but be fast. They went in there. Exorcism. They threw up everywhere but the toilet, then left.

And I thought that was funny. There's like hair on the wall. Yeah, seriously. Black liquid just everywhere. She runs out like the ring on all fours. Crawls back into the TV. That's for a good time. And I laughed really hard.

Yeah. Because it wasn't my house and I didn't have to clean it. That was always when, yeah, we stopped throwing parties in college when, when seeing what happened in the bathroom. Which is a sign of it, like, really blowing up. Like, that's like, you know what? This is good. But like, when there's blood in the bathroom, you're like this. Yeah, we got to.

Something's off. We got to wrap this up. Like, I'm sure it's just like a bloody note. I would have to tell myself. That's what I would tell myself. Yeah. What's the, like, what was kind of your vibe in college, we big partier? Did you like to have fun?

I did like to have fun. I had a big partier. I didn't drink until college. Same. actually yeah I was like my mom was was real like you guys can go to the parties but like no drinking or anything like that when I was in high school yeah so I was like okay that's fine and you obeyed yeah I was like I was weirdly responsible and articulate as a child yeah like my mom told me once she was like well she actually she told me multiple times that I used to kind of scare her a little bit as a child

you're like one of those kids it's like I've always been here I speak in full sentences like one That reminds me of that trip that you and dad went on in the 1960s. And it's like, oh, no. Is she clairvoyant? Yeah. Yeah, she just said I was weirdly articulate as a child. Like, I never crawled. She said I just stood up and sort of walking in that scared the fuck out of her.

Yeah, I'd move. That's not right. Leave me behind. Oh, that's so, wow. Yeah, pretty horrifying. So you were like a good student then. Yeah, I was really good at, I loved. I loved the school.

part because I liked being the best at that stuff. Yeah. Virgo. What's your son? Aquarius. Nice. I'm a butterfly. I'm a flight risk.

True. You know, yeah, people always try to bring me. Hummingbird. Yeah. Yeah. But you like to party in college? Because you didn't drink till college saying. Yeah, yeah.

No, it was beautiful. Yeah. I mean, I found alcohol at that age. I think the Irish in me, like, waiting that long, it did feel like what I read, ayahuasca experiences. Oh, a sudden you're at Burning Man? I'm just like at home, you know, it's like, having like birds eye view. It's just like, oh, this is beautiful.

The werewolf inside you was like, ah, yeah, because you finally started drinking. It was so fun. It was so much fun. Yeah. Yeah. Did you do comedy in college? No. No.

Honestly, no. I just kind of, because my original path in college, I was trying to be a journalist, so I was trying to be a sports journalist. Cool. I know a comic who tried to be a journalist, too. Yeah, now I talk about monkeys writing bearback. That's journalism. It all worked out.

Happy ending for all of us. Well, I mean, it's all about communication. To communicate a joke, you have to know how it's going to be received. Totally. You wanted to be Rachel Maddow? No, actually, I wanted to be, like, a sports journalist. So I wanted to be, like, a long-form narrative journalist. Like, I wanted to follow people for, like, months, and then put it.

together a story and then but when you're in journalism like I did journalism and communications was like a double major and so my journalism like course I had to film myself a lot and do like stories and that's how I started talking in front of a camera learned how to edit all that stuff yeah final cut yeah actually no I did Premiere bro that was my main one yeah that means your that's in first look people that did premiere yeah you're sad it's us final cut hags that Quite the same. Never quite get there. Even though when I did a lot of my journalism stuff, like I just felt there were certain things that happened.

I was like, maybe this isn't the path. Because I felt like I was a little too silly because sometimes my teachers would get annoyed with me. And I was like, my bad. Thought we were having fun. I was being too silly. I got a little too silly. Sorry, gang. I was getting too silly.

Sorry about that. I had a case of the silly. Back to you. that's you on the football field yeah so sorry yeah one time my one of my professors she told me like

that I should try less hard on the story and try to focus more on just being pretty oh that's great advice so life advice yeah that was a teacher you said yeah that was my professor yeah oh my god yeah she was like you should just

try to lean into being pretty because that's going to take you further I'm like oh where did you think you think You think so? Okay, well, don't know what to do with that nugget. I guess I'll hold on to it. When you're something funny, though, years later, now I do this, have this show,

she, like, reached out to me and asked me to talk to my old class, and she was like, feel like you give them a lot of good tips. And you should show up so haggard. Covered and trash. It's like, whatever you do, don't be pretty. Yeah, so. Wow. Did you respond? Or were you just like, fuck you?

Well, she honestly was playing God with me because she was holding my degree in her hands. I was like the last class I needed to pass. So there was nothing I could do. So I was just like, it's actually no worries at all. Yeah. I'm going to take that. I'm going to use it where I can. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She tried really hard to make me like quit that class. And as like a stubborn fucking Virgo, I was like, I'm leaving. here with that journalism degree. Good for you. One way or another. Yeah.

If I have to hold one at gunpoint, so be it. It's good to threaten gun violence on professors. Works for me. Yeah. Hasn't caught up to me yet. No, and it won't. I just, that's why I keep moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Changing names, aliases. Yeah, professors are chill. You know, they sit on desks. They don't. You can call them by their first name. You can pull a gun on them. It's totally chill. They're so chill.

about it. Yeah, you get coffee with them. Totally chill. Did you do comedy in college? Mm-hmm. Were you big theater kid? I didn't, more so just comedy. My friends and I were like the theater outcast because it was like a very serious theater program

and they were like, you guys are not being, yeah, yeah, sums up with you guys. So we were in a sketch comedy group. Oh, cute. And we made videos. Is that how you got into like stand-up itself? I was doing stand-up in high school. I started to stay-up in high school.

Oh, love. Yeah, and videos. Yeah, it was always videos in stand-up. like sketches. Yeah. Obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really cool.

Yeah. I'm like, and you said you moved to New York to pursue stand-up. Well, I went to school in New York upstate and then in the summer I would go there to work at the Ant Taylor loft, even though I thought I would try to, I would be like I'm going to do stand-up, but no, I'm just going to work in the loft. Oh, nice. Yeah. Which I'm glad.

When did you feel like you were really, like, really starting to hit your stride in stand-up? Probably honestly recently. You think? Yeah, it takes a war. Yeah. I know, there's like moments where you're like, oh. I was going to say. It's like, no, it's like.

It's a slow build. Yeah. Or it's like a slow burn kind of thing. I felt really good right out of the gate. Yeah, like love doing it. Yeah. And I was, yeah. And I was, yeah, I had an affinity for it when I was young and then I was like,

and then it got harder for a while and it gets easier. It's like, you have a, you'll see this. You get like a crazy relationship with it where you're like, where you think, right when you think you've kind of cracked it. Totally. You just are like. Sometimes you're on stage, you're like, wait, what's funny about me again? And you're like, is this humor in any culture?

Yeah, it's crazy. Well, that's what, like, just before we keep being fucking silly, I do want to tell you, I truly love your stand-up. I think you're so fucking funny. Oh, thank you. Obviously, I've been cackling this whole fucking time. But I truly genuinely think you are so funny. And comics like you are my favorite kind because it's like, it's the most, like, niche. Like, the niches take some things, I find so fucking funny.

Oh, yeah. And obviously, I'm not going to tell your jokes on here that I saw from your set that I saw, but that... Oh, you can tell him whenever you want. The shit that you said, dude, we were fucking... We laughed the whole way home. We were talking about your set the whole way home. Oh, that's so great. Like, fuck, it was Caleb's show, but fuck him.

So we were talking about Chris the whole way home. Well, he's an abuser. Yeah, well, that's what happens when you are part of the insurrection. That's right. Yeah. No, absolutely. naturally when you when you are in charge of it he's working from home yeah that's his work from home was was the instruction yeah yeah oh thank you dude that's very sweet and i told you that you were

fantastic and that was your first time doing that yeah my very first time that's insane oh thank you yeah it was so funny thank you thank you i was like i was telling chris when i did my first five literally ever i was fucking terrified you didn't seem it no oh thank you i'm never i'm really never like nervous about work stuff and I sometimes people are like you're not nervous about this or whatever and I'm like no because I don't know why I just I'm like eh it's fine yeah especially when I because I've done like carpets and stuff so I worked the Oscars last year and a lot of people were asking me if I was super nervous I was like nah wow and I was like because famous people I feel like you you would know this too but like they're like this they're super normal and

honestly a lot of them really weird. I mean like oh I see you're weird yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah because they're all theater geeks at the end of the day actors are yeah they're weird something's up what's going on you know yeah something's off

they spend a lot a lot of time in the parking a lot of Scientology but that would make me nervous but that makes you not nervous yeah no I'm just kind of like well yeah just another guy that's what I always think another person you ever talk to an actor you're like are you gonna cry right now Like within seconds, you're like, are you?

Because it's like the recalls there and like their face just is so expressive. And you're like, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just saying hi. Yeah, I have talked to actors where I was kind of like, like doing my best to not say anything. Like Jamie Lee Curtis when I interviewed her at the Oscars, she was wonderful. But she takes very measured pauses before she answers. So like when I would, I asked her a question and she was like, Yeah, she's on a Palm Pilot with her publicist.

Yeah, she was literally like, for like what felt like 20 minutes. But it was like, and I was like, I thought maybe I offended her or something. And she goes, that's a great question. And then she paused again. And then she started talking. And I was like, ooh. I found you can do that in Britain when you're being interviewed in press. Yeah.

They're not going to be like long ellipsies, you know. But on video, you probably shouldn't be. Yeah. going to la la man it's one of those like even there was one girl I talked to she wasn't an actor or anything she she worked like in the industry and she would do this thing where every time she would ask me a question and I would answer it and then she would look at me like this and then I would be like you know like a knuckraker yeah like a jackalanner yeah like she would just stare at me with her mouth open and then I would I would feel the need to keep talking to fill the space that's how I started men into crimes you didn't even even commit. That's a dangerous person. I started just confessing all my sins. Yeah.

I hit him and I kept going. I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry. I was scared. And she, then I would, I would keep talking and I'd be like, you know,

because she was like, no, I know, I understand. And I'd be like, oh, okay. Oh.

Well, this is a really taxing conversation to have. So I'm going to move on. It was great to talk to you. Do you blush when that happens? No, I feel like I just keep talking,

which is, annoying. Like I, I could talk for like 30 minutes by myself. Filibuster. You could easily. Yeah. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. That's easy money. Oh, man. If that was a job and they could source me, I would make a killing. I'd just go up there and talk about anything for 45 minutes. Sometimes when I work with people, they're like, oh, you just kind of need to like vamp for like two minutes. I was like locked in. Let's go. Fucking let's go. You're going to have to tell me to shut the fuck up if I'm being honest. I can't stop talking. I'm the opposite. I don't really talk that much. No. I didn't talk to. I was three and they thought like something was seriously awry. And they took me to doctors and my sister would answer the questions for me like they were just like curious. Like they were journalists. What's your color?

He loves purple. Like he'd be like, like it was a New Yorker profile. But no, I don't. I'm trying to imagine. Like it must be nice to just like you know I got my blood drawn recently for this thing. And I was like to not freak out, I would just, I would start running my mouth. Yeah.

And it was quite soothing. And it worked. Maybe I should do it more. Yeah. Maybe that will help with your anxiety. Just free associate. I was asking, I was like small talking in a way. I was like, what time did you get to work today?

Like a cop. What time do you show up? Where were you before? Can anyone verify that information? Yeah. Do you have his information? I'd love to see what he says, if you were there or not. I was like saying stuff like, oh, it must be crazy to get here.

at six when it's still dark out. I'm like, I would never say that. I'm just like, really panicky. My boyfriend is like you. Like he hates small talking. He doesn't want to do it if he doesn't have to. Yeah. And the first time I took him to get his hair done by my hair girl.

Mm-hmm. Like I worked through. I saw your hair girl chained up out there. That's besides the point. It's unrelated to this. Please free me. To a radiator. And scissors taped to her hand.

All her limbs are replaced my scissors. Yeah, yeah. The saw movie. Her toes. When I took her there, took him there to get his hair done. I sat in there too, but like next to him in the chair. When he left, I was like, well, how do you feel? Do you like?

He's like, yeah, I just didn't know there was going to be that much talking. Oh, yeah. And I was like. Oh, no, that's all it is. Yeah. It's an hour talk. And if your hair is long, because he has an under. cut so like he'll go he has a barber an under like an under bite what's undercut?

It's like underneath here like if you have it shaved underneath but your hair is long. Oh. You know what I mean? So it's a little surprise for. Yeah, it's a little peek-boo. Whoever pulls it up. It's a little like peep toe. It's a little just between us.

Yeah. It's intimacy. Yeah. When you see it. Yeah. Cool. And he was like, I didn't know there was going to be that much talking. And I was like, yeah, because obviously when you go to a salon and you get your hair dyed or

whatever, it's like hours. Like, it's like four or five hours. I think that that hair people are like their level of conversation. It's like PhD in comedy because they've done 10,000. They have, I've never had such wild conversations and with hair people. Yeah, they can talk forever. It's incredible. It's, it's a skill. And he was like, I never want to do that. Like the way he was immediately like, I can't do that. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like, it's not worth it to him instead of being forced to have conversation. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I mean, I can do it.

Like, obviously, obviously fucking look at me. I prefer at home. I love when someone, you know, like punks who cut their own hair. Yeah. And it looks awesome. Yeah. Like, I just could never, but I wish I could. Yeah.

If I could do literally everything at home, I would. Like, every grooming, anything or other. Have you ever tried? Cutting my own hair. I did cut my widow's peak once because I hated it. And then lived to regret. at that decision for like at least five years. Five years.

Yeah, like, because it took forever to grow back. Like, and my whole goal was to get rid of it. Turns out cutting it and enhanced it. And almost, yeah. It made it stronger. It draws attention to it almost immediately. And I honestly believe it sounds like an Aesop's fable. It's really a Greek tragedy is what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a valuable lesson. Yeah. It almost like got darker and went deeper on my forehead like Eddie Munster. I was like, okay, well, I definitely didn't have that before and now it's even worse. And it's funny because I tried to lie to my mom and say I didn't do it because she was like, did you cut your hair? Yeah.

And I was like, no. Mind you, like my widow's speak obviously is right here. It was like all buzzed like right here. Like it's like a friar tuck? Yeah, like I literally cut it and then tried to shave it with a razor. I'm not kidding. And then it's like. Like a crop circle?

Yeah. Yeah. Literally like the avatar like arrow on his head. Like that was my fucking widow's week. Where they charge themselves? Yeah. At Whole Food? Where they plug in.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And my mom was like, you didn't cut that? And I was like, no. It's buzzed. It's literally gray. It has like five o'clock shadow because I just shaved it recently.

And she was like, okay. Like she was kind of buying into my lie a little bit just to see if I would tell her on my own. You could say you got sucking a fence or something. You know, like you were like peeping in. My mom knew I wasn't sticking my head. I'm jumping. I took a little too long in the bathroom and I came out with a new haircut. She knew.

That's the only time I've ever, like, come up. learned my lesson you learned i did it once too and i looked like remember when mary martin played peter pan okay holding for silence do you know what i'm talking about it was like the worst quality video i've ever seen in my life it's it was like everyone was watching in the 90s it was mary martin in a live thing of peter pan and that's exactly what i look like when i cut my hair and did your family have any thoughts they're just like oh that's chris yeah oh chris is up to his usual bullshit Yeah. My family, they go, oh, you know, it's a lot of that. My dad, whenever I see him, whatever I'm wearing, and I've been, like, I land down in Boston, he sees me, he goes, oh, Jesus.

And my mom inspects me like a rental car, you know, like looking for dent and stuff. Well, my dad's just like, oh, Christ, Chris. Gets worse every time. What do you? Oh, my God, that jacket, Chris. But there's, like, glee, you know. Yeah. Everything you tell me about your childhood, it sounds like you were found in a forest or something. They just decided to raise you.

Who's this freaking? Yeah. They're like, I have a, look at this freaking child. A little forest boy that doesn't speak English. I did grow up in a very rural, surprisingly rural. People, when they would visit from college and stuff, every single person would get lost. Like my neighborhood is, there's no streetlights.

It's like, they're bringing a triangle kind of thing. I didn't realize it. Like, one time an Uber driver was like, I don't like this. Well, with you sitting in the back and you're all, be a little nervy too. I am doing. I am doing. I'm going, hmm. Real Jeffrey Dahmer situation.

Go ahead. Get a little spooked. Between you and me, I may or may not have sent in a self tape for that. Did you really? We'll talk about that off, yeah. Okay. They requested.

Actually, I think several comedians were in the running. Really? Mm-hmm. That's a little frightening. I mean, it was obviously going to go to Peters. Yeah. Well, yeah. I think they're just looking for a laugh, you know.

Yeah. You're like, oh, so you don't want an actual creepo. You want one that people want to have sex with. Yeah, yeah. Why do they need to do that? Why do they need to make the Jeffrey Dahmer movie? For the 20th time, I don't know. Yeah.

It's not really fun. I think we got it. Yeah. I think we got it. Yeah, you shouldn't have done those things. Yeah, we got it. Yeah, we know all about him. I don't even know anymore.

I'm good. No. I saw this documentary once. It was like this British guy and he goes to the scariest places in the world. Nice. And like so one of the first episode he goes to like the suicide force in Japan. Oh yeah. And then like next one he goes, he goes to this like abandoned prison in South America.

There's like one where he goes to Jeffrey Dahmer's like horror. This isn't Logan Paul you're talking about. Oh no, it's not. You went to Dom. Oh, that's something else. Yeah. He went to Dahmer's, like, the bar in Milwaukee or whatever. Yeah, like, he went to, like, the apartment.

He did, like, the ghost tour. He, like, met, like, a fan of his. Like, it was... A fan of Domers? Oh, yeah. He has so many, like, weird, like, culty fans. And, like, he goes and he spends time with her. It's crazy.

When I watched it. People should probably not be allowed to be fans. We need to... Or, like, outside. Yeah. Or, like, amongst other people. That's right. Yeah.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I mean, they let us be out amongst other people, so. Yeah. Well, we talked about literally just a bunch of nonsense the whole time. Had a blast. The amount of maxi pads in the bathrooms here, I would describe as alt-left. Fucking liberals.

These liberal snowflakes putting pads in every bathroom. It's the amount. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. That has nothing to do with past. I would love to ask you a serious question. Sure. Sure. because I genuinely, like I said earlier, I love your comedy.

I think you're so fucking talented, so funny. I would love to know if you have any advice for any aspiring stand-up comics. Oh. Yeah. I mean, yeah, just to do it as often as you can. Totally. And to have a, you know, oh, and you know what? I wish that someone had told me to not be afraid of doing new material more.

I kind of started truly in like the Johnny Carson model of like have a good five to seven. Yeah. And so like there's this thing of trying new, like if it's like a Friday or Saturday night, like at the club, like make sure this, you're going to kill. Like you never know I'm going to kill. But then you get stuck in these like ruts of just doing the same material. So like I would say always be pushing yourself to try new stuff. Totally. Obviously always be listening not just to the crowd but to yourself and what feels good.

And yeah, and just do it as often as you can. Period. Love that. And also, please, everyone, go watch Chris do stand up. And you have a special currently on the cock, peacock. Which is fitting. I don't know why I got so shocked. Wow.

I think that's how you locked eyes with me when you said the car. It's important. It's important to make eye contact in those moments. So you feel safe with me. Yeah, yeah. Completely. Completely. But thank you so much for coming on.

the show. Thank you so much for the show. I think you're so fucking funny. I think you're so fucking funny. Honor to have had you as a guest. And where can everybody find you? You can find me on We Buy UglyHouses.com and Joe Biden's TikTok. And make sure you all go watch Chris Lemming's stand up on Peacock. It's on there right now. And make sure you follow Chris on Instagram. Do you have a TikTok? Oh yeah. Let's do Instagram. Yeah, Instagram. Let's do Instagram. Follow Drew on Instagram. Go and comment down below.

Get out of your Spotify app. Right now. Pause. That's using so much data, I'm sure, on your phone. I'm sure they don't have it worked out yet. The video. I'm sure it's like, I'm sure your phone is piping hot if you've watched. Like an engine.

Yeah. Go for, that's the way to go from 100 to 0% watch one of these episodes on Spotify, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, get a new phone. It's like playing the Sims on a laptop. It's just a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming on the show. Thanks so much for having me. Thank you all for tuning in. Make sure you all go follow Chris on Instagram and watch and all the things that he does, whether it's his stand-up, live, or his special on Peacock. And thank you so much for tuning into this episode of the comment section. Don't forget new episodes drop every Wednesday, or you can watch the video for free and exclusively on our favorite app, Spotify,

that Chris has a really big problem with when it comes to the video. I'm just a, I'm a concert. informationalist. A minimalist. Yeah. Yeah, an app minimalist. I don't like, I fear change. That means he's 100, so, as you heard.

Thank you guys for tuning and I'll see you next week. Bye!