The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - Best of The Comment Section: 100 Episodes

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

For the 100th episode of The Comment Section, Drew takes a look back at some of her favorite moments with her guests since day one. Drew: https://linktr.ee/drewafualo For sponsorships/partnerships, email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, y'all, it's Drew, and I am your host of the comment section podcast. We all know that. I want to take this moment just to thank all of you for an amazing, amazing ride on the comment section. It has officially been 100 episodes. And I never get emotional. Don't tell the men. But I'm very, very thankful for every single one of you that listens and streams and watches the show. It is truly a labor of love.

I couldn't do it by myself. And thankfully, I don't have to because I've had some of the best guests that you could possibly imagine. So for this very special 100th episode, I wanted to show you all some of my favorite moments from the entirety of the last two years, because what an accomplishment, 100 episodes. I'm so excited. So proud of you and me, period. And thank you all for giggling with me. It's been a fucking blast. With that being said, enjoy the 100th episode. And I'll see you next week. Bye. What else do you got? Let's hear it.

So it was on Reddit. It has 263 views. Reminder that makeup is the biggest fraud in history of mankind. And it should be illegal. It's just me before and after with makeup on. I don't even look at that different. You really don't. You know what's crazy to me?

This whole makeup makeup, makeup. Do you really think? Like you have a wonderful eyeliner going on? You think that's natural? Like, look at my lashes. You think this shit's real? Yeah. And there's also, like, articles where it's like guys don't like,

bright makeup. You like makeup. You just don't want to tell that you like makeup. I just want it to be a game. You keep coming back to something that's hurting you, which is, oh, I'll be doing that. I mean, it's fun. You're like, I know you're bad for me, but I'm attracted to you. Because of that. You're like, you know what? I am ready to get hurt again. Yeah. I have taken my time. I feel. I'm ready to reopen it. Run it back. Let's run it back one more time. For shits and giggles, I'm a little bored in my life. Run it back. That's just lesbianism, though. I don't know.

That's just how it's what it is. It's just how it be sometimes, I think. So I went on this hinge date, as you know. The guy's profile said 5-11. I was like, okay, a short man, that's fine. I can do that. He pulls up to the date a strong 5'7. Oof.

And I'm like, looking down at him, I'm like, okay, I can work with this. I can work with this. I'm not shallow. I don't care that you lie. You're like, I like a red flag. Yeah. Oh, I do that. Lots of charity work.

If you've seen any of my ex-boyfriends, like, I do charity. Like, call me the Salvation Army. But anyway, so we're having a good time. I'm like, okay, like, I don't mind that this man is shorter than me, because I don't, that's not, like, something I always care about. Yeah. So the date ends, and I go to hug him goodbye at the end of the date. Yeah.

Pulls up my sweater, puts my full titty in his mouth. And I'm standing there. I'm like, okay, in his defense, he was eye level with it. I was trying to justify it. He saw his opportunity. He took it. He was like, this is never going to get further than this? I go bigger, I go home.

Oh, he went big. He went big. He showed up small, but he did. He went big. He went big. Yes. The one big thing about him. Yes. I was at Olive Garden in Newport Beach.

And I did see Elon Musk. No, not Elon Musk. his then wife Grimes with Noah Centinio and they were making out over some breadsticks and I did tweet about it and then unfortunately they like put out that statement that they broke up a week later so people thought it was very... So are you omnipotent then? You're just all knowing. I either manifested it or like... Or you actually saw it. Or I did actually see it and everyone will never know. Honestly, you know who does know probably the entire student body of Harvard. You're a esteemed alumni. Where I attended. Yeah. You're esteemed alumnus.

So basically what I do is I lie. I tell untruths. I make things up. And I feel like I found that the internet is a much better place for me, like spiritually, emotionally, if I just make things up. If you just lie. Because then when I'm faking stuff and people are mean to me about it, it doesn't cut. Yeah. It doesn't hurt.

Because it's all a fantasy. Yeah. It's lore. Yeah. Making of understanding the male and female gays. We both have dabbled in the arts of a... fan fiction, if you will? We're authors. Literary critics. Right. I mean, the pen is my sword. That's how I like to see it. You know what I mean? I'm a true artist on paper. Wait, what did you write?

Because I wrote my fan fiction. My fan fiction was about the Jonas brothers because they had me in a chokehold. Who was your bias? Who was your favorite? Oh, mine was Nick. I was in Nick girly. And I think I knew deep down that he was down for the brown. I think I knew you know you had a feeling he was the only one who ended up with a brown girl And you know what else you said he's sick yeah it's diabetes When I tell you the diabetes was a main point in my story Why when I was 14 because you're a good story writer When I was when I was 14 I literally thought like I don't know why people treated it like it was terminal Like I know came out with like you know having to deal with diabetes yeah everyone was like oh my god

Dude little bit longer little bit longer I literally was like he's gonna die. I literally was like oh my god. I was like so moved I was like like why I just honestly when I wrote the thing I hand wrote it by the way no you didn't yeah because I'm a colonial woman English class like a scryl like a scryl I'm a colonial woman like by by whale fat candlelight I was writing it with a little feather a quill pin no seriously I filled up like three notebooks with it and I had I had him in it and like my Eli Cyrus was in it, Santa Gomez. Naturally.

There was cheating, a pregnancy scandal. Damn, you want to upload it? I was novelist type B. That's what I was writing in there. I was writing, I was writing plots, twist, climaxes, you know? Dang. And then my sister was building a MySpace at the same time. Yeah.

So we could, like, put it on MySpace. Did you? No. We literally built the whole thing. She coded the thing and everything. Like this, which taught herself how to, like, code MySpace. You're kidding. Yeah, so we customized and everything.

So you made this and never shared it with it. the world i swear i promised my followers when i was like oh when i hit one million i'll read it to y'all and i can't find it liar some of them to this day are like where's where she at where she at bitch you can't find it no i can't find it i think in shame i threw it away but i wish to god i had it now so i could read it like word for word how i wrote because i was so dramatic if you couldn't tell no but i bet it was good i was so good i love like i so you never like read fan fiction oh yeah hell yeah you did So you know WopPad. I was so far up that ass.

I was so, Wapad number one use app on any device I've ever had. Humiliating. I, um, the worst thing about Wapad is that it's written by girls like you then. 14 and hornier than a man in his 50s. Like, it is just criminal. And I remember reading it and you know they have no grasp on grammar. So it's like, he let out a breathe. On Wapad, it's just truly the worst grammar.

Unhinged. Like, no comprehension of syntax or grammar or just like English in general. It's like I let out a short breathe and then he kissed me. And I'm like, period. You're like, that's me when you're reading it. It's really, really good. I want to do this for me. And I want to go on this journey myself and it's not about pleasing everyone because I was a very much a people pleaser kind of kid, right?

I got straight A's, you know, I played sports, I played football, I played, like I did all this, all this. kind of things that it was like the classic like man should be doing yeah I feel like the reason I did that is because I was hiding the fact that I was gay this whole time so I was like good at everything yeah so you're like overachieving yes I was overachieving so I'm like okay I'm gonna make up for the fact yeah that I'm gay and so when they if they find out I'm gay then I'm like oh but like look how great he is you know so I feel like that was kind of my like struggle for a long time and it wasn't until I got into really going into college and like making friends gay friends I didn't have gay friends growing up yeah you know I was in this little bubble yeah

in this little tiny little bubble for a long time. Yeah. So kind of meeting them and like, you know, friends of mine expressing who they were authentically made me want to express myself authentically. So I finally was just like, I'm going to rebel. And then you became a big fat slut. Yes. No, literally.

No, literally. I got a tongue gears me. That beautiful journey turned into you being a big four. It turned into me being a hoe. Yeah. What's your initial thoughts? When you think about men like either dictating what women wear or what's okay to wear or what's proper, whatever you want to call it.

Like, what are your initial thoughts? Learn what a clitoris is before you're going to give any fashion advice. Yeah, maybe, I don't know. Like, maybe find the entrance to the pleasure center, not even the whole thing. Maybe find, like, feel the touch of a woman before. Maybe speak to one in real life? Yeah, like, not a photo on a script. Yeah.

I just don't under, I'm like, there are way bigger issues that you should be addressing, and it's not what women are wearing. Like what they're putting on their own bodies, for example. Or what they should be washing off of their bodies. The stink. The must. Twins. It's my new thing.

I hate the word must-y. I know. It's just so accurate for what it describes. It like gives you the full experience just by hearing the work. Like full-body chills. Yeah. No, I literally have full-body chills thinking about much. Especially straight men must.

Oh, that's different breed. That's all I, that's like the only thing. That's the only description to you. That's the only must. T.M. Literally T.M. I literally. I have said before in interviews, like, it's like Robin Hood.

I'm stealing, but from the rich and I'm giving back to the poor, so evens out. Yeah, it's a sleigh. It's a sleigh. It's a sleigh. It's a sleigh. And I told Chris, too, when I was talking to him, I said at the end of the day, I'm a girl boss. You and I both. You embody it.

I'm a girl boss. I get key by gaslight. That's it. I live by those words. I don't gaslight my friends, but if... Same. A man tries, like literally. I was telling you about last night.

Like I literally, I'll just talk about it. Can I? Yeah. Okay, so I had a guy over last night and we were doing stuff. What you do? We were making out. And I, oh my God, I get up. Like, I'm on top of him and I'm done making out with him.

I look at his face and it is covered in blood. Like covered. It looked like a horror scene. Like Nate Jacobs getting beat up with his. It looked like a horror scene. Yeah. I was like, oh my gosh, do you have a bloody nose knowing damn well I had a bloody nose? Sargastling.

I don't know. Absolute shit out of him. Yeah. And I literally ran to the bathroom and I was like, let me get you tissues to like stop your bloody nose. And I'm literally shoving tissues up my nose to stop the bleeding. And I came back out and he was like, I didn't have a bloody nose. And I was like, that's weird because I didn't either. You know, that's crazy.

Yeah, that's actually insane. Because if I didn't, you must have had it. I think it's kind of crazy because I literally sell the blood on your face. Yeah. So. It's okay. You can be comfortable. It happens to the most of us.

I'm sorry that that. happened to you, but also, like, you don't need to lie. Yeah. Like, this is a safe space, safe space. I feel like lying's like a red flag to me personally. You might want to go home. Yeah, like, honestly, that affects me. No, but...

Like, your plight is now affecting me. And I feel like that's unfair to me. Just gaslight on one billion. See what I mean? That you're so... I'm so good at it because I'd just be gasline. I'm just kidding. I'm really good at it because my ex was a psycho.

I mean, my sister is someone who, like, she... She's someone, I don't know, I don't know what it is. but some people are just good at stuff without trying and that really does not sit well with my Espiritu. It really doesn't. Like, one day she was like, oh, I'm just going to start skateboarding. And I was like, yeah, that actually

takes people and she's already going to do it and the rest. And then she started getting really good at it. And I was like, okay, I'm just going to sit this one out. And then she broke her ankle and I was like, yes. And then she's in the cast and everybody's signing her. I'm like, this is, yeah, I can't wait. According to Plan. I was like, Mom, look at me. I'm in a tutu.

She's like, anyway. I'm like, please, please. And then my younger brother, I feel like you have a little brother to you. Yeah. You're the middle, so I don't. The prince. Prince of Persia, you know what I mean? Princess die in my family.

Literally, this boy, when I tell you, I got a little 22 behind my ear and my mom's like a tattoo and she's like, ah, ah, oh, like, open mouth crying. Greek wedding, like, why do you want to leave me? Like, literally like, oh my God. And he gets a full anime tattoo and she's like, it's expression. I'm like, yeah. He's expressing himself. And I feel like you're stifling him by judging him.

I'm like, I think that's a girl's peepy. I think that a good look, but I think it's a peepy. And your mom's like, leave him alone. He is from a different time. No, literally. That's the same thing with our brother. Like, I told you, princess die in my family. Like, the people's princess.

And my mom and dad are the people. My whole family. I can't believe. Okay, so when I am, when I'm ready to be like, you're going to ruin this person's life. And like in a comment, like in the comment section when I see somebody being like, you're ugly and stupid.

First, I look at their profile. if I'm like, I've already absorbed all the information to ruin your life. Me? Like, immediately. I see a... All my eyes are going sideways and I'm typing. I'm making notes.

I see a Yorkie. I see a Yorkie, a Puplam top. A day out with a sorority and I'm like, I will end you. And then immediately I go into a room, right? I go into a room like this. It's a triangle. It's me, Princess Die, Michelle Obama.

And they're like, you're better than this. And I'm like, again. And you said, am I? I love that. You think that of me, Michelle Levan Robinson Obama. love that you think that but alas I'm just not so sure then Princess Diana is like

stop don't respond and I'm like you know what God you're so freaking right you're so freaking beautiful and your hair is gorgeous and then I go back and I'm like you know what I'm just going to do the adult thing and block them same whenever that so weedy song comes on what's your sign I'm a cancer I feel like this to Princess Anna

you look back and she's there and she's like this you know what's crazy wait is she a cancer yeah she's a cancer oh my god so is my brother I know, July 13th, I already asked. He didn't ask me, but I said July 22nd. He didn't ask me. You don't know this yet, but we're the same. You don't know this yet, but we're the same.

Absolutely. This next comment says, as a male to male writing coach, for those who write female-led movie scripts, you have to just write about the stuff on the cover of U.S. Weekly. Oh, no. What are you, 100? Who reads US Weekly still? You read that when you're in the grocery store,

if it's available to you're literally looking at it while you're about to grab a pack of gun. Oh, yeah. Or that's where you see the worst headlines for women. pregnancy headlines, divorce, this woman treated this person really badly. Who cares? The National Enquirer type of. Oh, yeah. Who reads US week?

What are you? What are you? What are you? Everything's online now. So I would assume you guys see these headlines online because I was like, sorry. I don't know. You know the funny, the one thing on Twitter, like it's the pictures when they had like the Rihanna thing, the rumor.

And it was a picture where it was a guy that was like, oh, Aesap cheated. I guess it's my turn. I'd be like, no, it's not. no it's you are at the back of the line you said whose turn your turn your turn are you sure who's turn to do what sent out another tweet

turn out to close the tweet that's your turn it's your turn to lie again how dare you I felt offended when I saw that I was like and it was a picture of a mattress on the floor with a whole bunch of trash oh yeah yeah

I know that means it's a daily practice it's literally like hearing those thoughts like you know if you see something and your instant thought is like a misogynistic one it happens yeah yeah for you to like be like wait why did i just think that like you know and you come to the root of like where that belief came from exactly like that's how you put in the work to create like change within yourself yeah because i just think a lot of them don't know where to start yeah exactly and who's always at the root

in that problem man always let me get an m yeah yeah seriously like truly What does that spell? Not shit. I once had someone Stitch a video of mine And was like, this is why you'll never get a woman. And I was like... Oh, babe.

Ma'am. Who's gonna tell him? I was like, I'll FaceTime you right now. Let's chat. A woman? I was like, listen, I am like... To do what? Yeah, I was like literally...

A woman to dare. Literally, like, what am I gonna do? Like, I... People truly will find some sort of a narrative or even like my like immigrant experiences like they'll find that narrative and create it for themselves like someone once commented something like your dad like went through war and like came to this country for you to be like queer and I'm like my dad went to art school basically um so it's like a pickup artist exactly yeah so it was like this pickup artist community

and then like when I was 14 and like had access to the other and I was like what is this so I would like when I was a freshman in high school I would I would look at these like online pickup artists community to see what they were saying and it was like like you're like you're like They were speaking this crazy nerd language where I was just sort of like, yeah, like, I had like, you know, I scored three convoes with like two tens and like one nine. And then they were, and they were like saying shit. Down to a code like a science.

Yeah, it was just sort of like, oh yeah, like I got a makeout in. Like they were like, it was like a game. I got a makeout in. Yeah, there was like yo. And like guys were just like, yo yeah. Like I got three hugs on this intersection today. And I was just like. Ew.

What is this? And it was all just stuff where it was just like, here's how to neg women. It was just, it was just, it was just, it was literally. Honestly, if you gotta read a book about it, you ain't got it. What do I look like I could work at? Where do you look like you could work at? I look, I feel like I look like a Panda Express shift lead. Or like, you're like, I see it.

I was trying to think of me. I was trying to think of what I look like. I look like I think I look like, give something you what he says. Like I'm on my. 30. Take 30? I'm on, yeah. You're all, where's Melissa?

Is she back yet? Her 15's up. You know? You have that wok. Like cooking orange chicken. I'm like opening the bag. You're putting shrimp in those little tiny, like third, entree ones.

Yeah. You're like, I'm like looking at like, like, someone's serving rice and I'm like, less. You know, like, when they stand over, like, less than that. The Panda Express, but in the mall. Oh yeah Sitting in the food Sitting in the food court

Like with my hat Like On your break You're sitting at that table That the train That drives in the mall Go on Where you have to move

Like when I see Like an employee From Charlie's pass by I'm just like I like From the Sparrow's Yeah Are we talking about

Burbank mall I've never even, that's just every mall ever. That's because they're right next to each other all three that we mentioned.

It's like Hannah, Charlie, and the sorrow. Have you ever seen that one where they cook on the habachi in front of you?

I don't know. It's called like, it's called like, yeah, maybe that's just a Riverside thing. Okay, relax. Sorry.

I don't know, maybe just the I. I think I look like, um, I think I look like for me, I think I look like I would work at like an Ulta, but I'd be really

bad at my job. Like I'd be really bad at color matching you. I'd follow you around and be like, oh no girl, you should definitely try this. You should definitely try this. Like I'd be really bad at my job. That's what I think I look like. I... Okay. I think

you work at the spicy candies island. You know the island in the middle. the mall. I'm well aware. Spicy candies. You know how they're like the tromac candy? Yeah.

And you're like, you know a free sample? You look like you'd be sitting at the end. It's like. Okay. Not doing my job. Do you need help? Oh.

Or the ones with the neon signs? We're like, who the fuck buys from that thing? Like, there's something going on back there. I have. saw Chewbacca for the first time, this is me being vulnerable, I saw Chewbacca for the first time at Disneyland, my mom was like, let's go

take a picture. I said, girl, you know how I feel about big things. She was like, it'll be fine. It wasn't. We went in there, I had a full-blown panic attack because it was too big. Too big. You're too big. You're too tall. But you also, right, even knowing that it's just like a regular person in there.

Even though you know, it's like a, it's like a... I know he's not real. It's like a 5-8 intern. Who's just like... Like an 18-year-old. Like, he's watching me in my early 20s. Absolutely spin out.

Like, I wish... Oh, you know what? I'm going to find the picture of me because my whole family's next to it and I'm on the very... I was like... You're scared. I literally was like, I couldn't do it.

My boyfriend, that was the first time my boyfriend ever watched me, like spin out. There's no gender to it. No, it's like... It's empowerment. It's a state of being. And also the fact that it's not like woman boss. Like, come on, come on.

You're getting something across. Well, that's... That's why they made it a girl boss. They're trying to make it a meme. We didn't make girl boss. They made girl boss. And if you have a problem with it, it's because of you. So we flipped it.

That's why I said we flipped it. Uno reversed it. That's right. And I think too, like, Hold on you on you. That's a genderless term and so is bitch. So I always say, some people are like, what do you call women bitch?

I call, I don't, I remember this iced tea tweet. Did you ever see that? No, no, no. Or he's like, I don't call women bitches. I call bitches bitches. I know that. I know that. That's me.

My dad and my boyfriend don't care about football. Like my dad played football, my boyfriend played football long-ass time. Neither of them really care. Like they follow it. They like to watch. But like when you ask like that's the first thing like bro kind of dudes ask full grown men, who's your team? First thing they ask.

And my dad always goes, I don't really have one, to be honest. And they're like, what do you mean? What do you mean by that? Oh, same. Whenever I bring a guy over to meet my dad, they're like, oh my god you were like playing and my dad's like yeah my dad lies oh really yeah when people ask him like did you play

because my dad's a big dude my dad's six six same my dad's huge size 14 15 shoes custom made yeah same my dad too we have the same dad we're sisters someone put a picture of both our dads I've actually never met my dad I have a question Virgo men are like overly competitive every time too

really like oh yeah like about from like like an actual sport to like playing scrabble like they'll they'll get so mad they break the board you know or they leave or they leave they're like I just like don't I don't want to deal with the negativity I can't do it anymore you know what kills me about that I'm just thinking in general with men when it comes to like being emotional and everything like that oh yeah their their idea of emotional is just like crying and being like oh my god I'm so sad X Y and Z but like men are very emotional people like you're punching a hole in the wall over Scrabble this game of Mario card over scatigories over sorry

Please. You didn't get, you got 11th place in Mario Kart and you're punching a hole in there. Let's unpack that, but you're not emotional. Why do you think the world is so triggered by trans people

or non-binary people? And I always say the same thing. I think when you are so, like, shamelessly you and so brave and you're unapologetic for exactly who you are, people kind of can't handle that

because it triggers something inside them where they're like, I can barely just be myself as like a cis person. and how are you able to be so comfortable that you're telling the world like you literally changed your body, your everything. And I think that's kind of another reason

why like men come for you. It's like they see you as this woman that is so unapologetic and that triggers something so deep and their misogyny that they literally go to bed crying at night. And I go to bed, I sleep like this. Yeah.

Y'all have to break things down and be like, okay, this happened. We need to fix this. I'm a fast think. Yeah, the thing about having anxiety that like you're always thinking. Exactly. We're 12 steps ahead.

Because like I probably already envisioned this scenario happening. So like honestly like y'all be practicing. It's not that like I'm ready. Y'all be practicing. Y'all sleep right now. Like let's say like I don't know like you make breakfast. I'm like that and I'm still asleep. If you don't make me breakfast one morning, I'm like oh my God.

Oh my God. No, no. That's what's funny. Clearly he hates me. And I'm already ready and then by the time. Then you come in the room with breakfast. And I'm like, okay, never mind. But then if something does actually happen,

like I've already processed like what I already processed like what I'm, might say in that scenario. See, I was explaining that exact thought process to my boyfriend once. I'm like, this is how I think. Like, I genuinely am like, okay, if he says this, I'm going to say this. Because if he says this, then I'm going to say this. Yeah, and then he was like, I can't even imagine

thinking like that. He's like, it's a person in your mind because I could never think like that. I mean, it's like, I don't want to switch minds. No. What do you want people to know about boys? Or F boys. Honestly, guys,

don't do it. Don't do it in the missionary position. Don't do it. Just don't do it. You know, the reality of the situation is while, of course, I want to put all of the blame on the F-boys. I think that we have to also acknowledge what we're accepting of, what we're not, what we deserve, what we don't. Like, when you are clear about that, of course, they creep in every once in a while. that I've been a victim myself.

But when you are clear about what it is that you want at the end of the day, if you just want to sneaky link, yeah, enjoy. By all means. Don't get emotionally attached though. Yeah. And if you can't do that without that, don't even bother. Yeah, don't bother. Don't bother.

No friends with benefits. It's not for everyone. You got to be this tall ride, this ride. Like, you got to, there's requirements if you're going to go in that route. But like, just know that you deserve the best. Mm-hmm. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Like I did stand up in college and I did, the first one went really well. Really? Yeah, because I just got run over. So I was just, lots of material to build up.

You know what I mean? So I just got, we had a whole bank to pull from. I just got and run over. So I just like really had it in me. You know what I mean? Everyone was like die laughing. I was like,

oh my God, maybe I'm Kevin Hart now. What I mean? I'm fresh off a hit and run. No, literally. What if you just constantly went but came back. So it's like fine.

You just constantly went to get hit by cars. No. You're just hoping you get hit so you can start over. Like twice in the same week. Yeah. Like by two different cars. But like three times total

because the first car did run me over twice. She backed up on me. No, she was such a bitch for that. Like, I saw a meeting that was like Batman superpowers white privilege. I was like,

damn. I mean, it's true. Unless you're talking about me. as Batman, but the real Batman, yeah. The real bad man. The real fake Batman. Yeah. It's white privilege

and money. Like, that's... Hell of money. He's a masked vigilante. That's me. Not a superhero. Just a mass vigilante. But your mask is the bald cat. That's right. They have no idea who I am.

Oh my God. Who's that mad? Ha ha! Billy's like the dude that helps him. Yeah, he's robin. Yeah. No, no. Not. Robb. Oh, Alfred. Yeah, Alfred. A good support system, whatever it may be, your real blood family, chosen family, friends, whatever it may be. Yeah. That's like pivotal, especially like when you're doing too much, they're going to always tell you. Totally. They're going to be so real and honest with you. Like, if I decided to sing, for example, like, let's say I was one of those TikTokers, I was like, I'm going to sing. Yeah. And I can't sing for shit. Our next pop princess. Yeah. I can't sing for shit. But if I did it and it was trash, my mom would be like, that was garbage. But you know what? I respect the hustle. Yeah.

The confidence, let's pick something else. Yeah. And I think that that's important to have self-awareness. You know what I mean? My mom would be like in the studio like, okay. You know what? I see the vision. Let's put some auto-tune on that.

Exactly. Let's put some auto-tune on that. You know what? Let's get a little help. Yeah. I just wish that men could find like a normal way to compliment a woman. Me too. What happened to you're so pretty.

Yeah. If I show you. What happened to feeling shame when we say something literally absurd out loud to somebody? This is literally the thing that was sticking in my mind when I picked this topic for you was you tweeted once like this nasty ass message I got sent to you and you said, I just want to know like, for real, tell me, do you think you're going to heaven when you send messages like this? He's not. He's actually going in the basement of hell. There's not even regular hell.

There's heaven. And then there's hell. And then he's going in like negative hell. whatever's beneath that. But then underneath that in like the basement now. Because you read the DM. Yeah.

I opened that and was like, pardon? If your underwear was a movie, what would it be? What's the title? Oh, man. I don't know. I thought of a title,

but it's not a movie. What is it? A red scare. Mine's war the worlds. Mine's World War Z. Contagion. Mine's the country bears. My's minors.

Brother bear. Oh my God. What we're supposed to talk about natural beauty today? Yeah, that's what we're talking about. That leads right into our topic perfectly. We're going to talk about natural beauty, being a natural girl. What's more natural than shit in yourself? As God intended.

Everyone's done it. Everyone's done it. And, you know, I love drinking. I love my other daughter drinking. But if you do pull back on drinking, you do shit yourself less. And you know what? That's just a sacrifice. you have to be willing to make.

As a licensed vet technician, that's what people always say. As an actual dog, I'm going to tell you right now. That's not true. I'm a Doberman and that's never happened to me. So you need to delete this video. Literally as a Boston Terrier myself,

I can speak confidently for them. That's not the case. I know. I think that all the time. Why are people like that? Just offering unsolicited advice when you didn't ask. If you ask, that's one thing. Honestly, if your skin is not,

back to the acne, but if your skin is not like remotely perfect, you will get unsolicited advice that you've never asked for. And the worst ones are the people, the worst ones are the people, because I have a lot of followers. I have the perfect cleanser for you.

Like, I would love to give you a discount code or to clear up all that acne. Just DM me. Wonderful sales pitch. Actually, go to hell. I am. The way they run into the point and completely miss it.

Truthfully. And then if I tell them you're speaking from a point of privilege, they're like, who has more privilege? women have more privileges women have more privileges right and then but when it comes

like when the hate comes specifically like from a trans woman to me I just have to like kind of get to the point of like why is she speaking on this and I really do listen because I think it's important but this one girl's video started with Dylan Mulvaney's personality

is like nails on a chalkboard and I was like I should have stopped the video right there because I knew I was like oh we already you know she wasn't going to like whatever I was just going to say either way. It's just like at that point, it's just opinion. Yeah.

And then we were talking about right before this, we were talking about like conspiracy theories about us. Oh yeah. And one of, I mean, well yeah, one of mine going around right now is that like I'm a government plant that was put here right before Pride Month to like take down families.

The way that they give us way too much credit. Well, yes, but also I'm like, I'm the first one to believe anything. And well, first of all, you do so much. much sarcasm. Like I, the Chris Olson episode is all sarcasm and it goes right over my head. So, but like when I was watching this video about myself, that was like, literally about made up lies. Yes, yes, made up lies. I'm like, oh my God, maybe they're right. Like I was like, because, well, I'm the, I'm the first one to join a cult. Like, if somebody's jumping off

a cliff, I'm going with them. And, and so I'm like, wow, I'm, you know, I'm in the Illuminati and I didn't even know it. Yeah, I kind of like the idea of wigs because then I could be a different person every time you saw me. And like, I love a good rebrand. I, I was. I. A rebrand? We support a rebrand. I rebrand every week. We were just talking about how cringe we were when we were younger. And you were a big fan of rebrands. I was, I've been rebranding before people knew what rebranding was. When I was 14, I was like, okay, I'm going to be like super slutty and like crazy. So like that was my brand. But like I wasn't actually slutty. I just wanted to wear high wasted shorts. Minority people, I feel like you feel me on this. But obviously, you don't because you're punctual. Whatever, bragger. It's the Capricorn. Like for me, it's like, okay, let's say you're throwing a party, right? Like a barbecue?

Mm-hmm. You invite all your friends. You're like, hey, be here at 12. And they're like, okay, it's a family party like barbecue at the house, right? And then you don't start getting ready to like 11.30. And then your white friends show up at 12 and you're like, you're early. And they're like, you said 12. And then you're like, that means two.

I thought you knew that. And then they're helping your family set up. You don't know what I mean? They're like opening chairs and like folding tables. You're literally stepping on my neck with a full-blown stiletto heels. Do you show up early in help set up? Well, I would literally be in the kitchen, probably with your mom. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you sit there and like, what do you mean with a carrot? A video of a Samoan man saying that non-Somwon or Polynesian people blindly getting someone, Polynesian tattoos is an example of cultural appropriation. And obviously, they were getting lit up in comments. And I'd love to know your thoughts on that, just in general. Yeah. Yeah. Around non-simon's getting,

listen, so, you know, in L.A., in Hollywood, you go to the gym, I guarantee you at least once a week you're going to find a white man wearing with a salmon sleeve. Yeah, yeah. And I remember, I was like, you know what? I'm going to go and talk to them, you know, and engage in conversation. So I'd go up to them and I'd be like, hey, I'd really love to know what made you get this, where you found out about it, where you found this design,

and what made you get it. And I'll take a photo of them. And one guy was just like, I just got it because I thought it looked hot. I was just like, hot? Not hot. On you? And I was like, first of all, you are not hot.

A lot of people are used to like creators getting in front of a camera, tears streaming down their face. Like, hey, guys, stop saying mean things to me. Yeah. I don't care. Neither do I. To keep it a buck. I don't care.

Like, if it's not paying my bills and eating my koochie, I don't give, I don't care about it. I got nothing else to say. That's it. That's my statement. Yeah. And I've said this many times, but beauty is subjective. So what's beautiful to one person may not be beautiful to the next.

So I always like... And the people watching Instagram reels will let you know that. They don't like your makeup. They will say some shit. Yeah, literally. Y'all hosts need a job. I have countless, countless, countless men telling me all the time how ugly I am. The amount of times...

That's so sick. That's why someone was like, I don't get why it doesn't bother you. I'm like because they're ugly. Because I dated my first boyfriend when I was fresh out of high school. And then we ended up getting married. So I was only in one relationship. But the things that I hear like my friends telling me and the things that I see like on YouTube with the men just being like, oh, what do you bring to the table? I'm like, what?

I'm like, if Andrew ever asked me that? Oh, we are swinging. Going at it. I never understand like that comment. I'm just like, what do you mean? What do I mean to the bride? I bring more than you. Yeah.

Well, I always think, like, you, I've said this before, but like the whole what do you bring to the table argument. I've said before, you don't have a seat at this table, so you don't need to worry about what's being served. The kid's table is over there. Yeah. Babe, you don't even have the address to the restaurant. You're not invited to this table. That's what I always say. Don't worry about it because you're not sitting here eating.

Don't worry, love. Yeah. Don't worry, bro. Don't worry about. Right here this thing about you, right? I have a little faith in me. Yes. My gosh, that literally reminds me of today.

Today I'm walking to get food with my manager. And I'm just walking across the street like people do. Yeah. Okay. Have you ever seen someone walk across the street before? It's somewhere at all. It's fine. Looking at their phone. Like, it's literally fine.

This guy is like turning and he goes, you should smile. And I go. Today? Today. Oh, my God. And I stop in the middle of the street. I go, what the fuck did you just say to me? And then he goes, whoa.

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it. It's like, what did you mean? actually though. Like, what did you, why are you now, the minute I say, what the f*** were you just talking about? Yeah. Like, why did, like, what are you talking about? Were you talking to me?

Yeah, and then you just get this straight up defense. It's like the same thing. It's just online. It's like, the minute we respond with some sort of anger or just anything. Distaste. Yeah, I have any kind. You crazy bitch. Yeah, second, what if I am?

Also, superheroes are so gay. Like, like tight-ass suits. It's giving gay. A long cape Honey, that's gay Well, if anything, it's camp You know what I mean? At the end of the day

It's a serve and it's a sleigh Also like gay people eating cereal Like Tony the Tiger wasn't gay as hell the whole time They're great Okay girl I wish that more people would just embrace The doctrine of being a hater Because like if you want to be a hater

Like be a hater Like that's fine But don't like Attach some like faux like pseudoscience morality to it like well this is actually why this person is justifiably hateable it's like just say that you're like you know a little bitter about whatever and like you don't like him like sorry my life though oh my god I'm like wouldn't it just be easier to say hate women like it's like a shortcut like I don't need to hear the like well this is like honestly in my opinion

in your opinion yeah that doesn't make it fact that's the sad part is like you could say anything and it doesn't mean it's true I saw dicta I was like, when you know to avoid him on the days his team has lost a match. Do you avoid him by never dating him or talking him ever again? All the police is how you avoid him. Yeah, literally. Pack up your things and leave. That's how you avoid him.

You hear a match losing and you're like, I should leave my own house? I'll be damned. We're living in a black mirror episode. What's happening? I'll be damned if Tom Brady runs me out my own house. I'll be damned, bitch. And, oh my God. Imagine if like Tyler Oakley had tea.

and I'm like, I'm pissed. The world we feel Leave the house. My wrath today. Because James Charles' palate or whatever. Yeah. Get out.

I have, I have, I go and punch a hole in the wall because of it. It's constitutional damage. It's so funny. You know what's crazy? On our platform, especially, on Twitch. Yeah. There is this logic that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. Yeah.

Where guys are so mad at women for having. having cleavage while streaming. And that's, I've seen that. I've been tagged stuff like that. Wait a second. On Twitter. You don't want to see boobies? Doesn't ever be like, I don't really care.

I think that's weird. But the crazy shit is they will equate it to insane stuff. Someone will like, not actually, but if someone like kills someone else and then is banned off Twitch, they'll be like, yeah, but these women with cleavage. It's just as bad. Yeah. Yeah, I've been there. How did you get here? Can we talk about how, I feel like the main guys who talk about women being gold diggers have no gold.

That's what I'm saying. I'd be the worst gold digger on planet Earth if I was trying to dig on you. Like what? Like, I feel like in order for someone to be a gold digger, you have to have something that is worth digging for. There's nothing. Like, I would not even pick up a shovel for you. Like, there's just nothing to get here. I wouldn't even go into Home Depot.

Literally, like, first of all, your personality is shit. Yeah. You don't have any money. You don't. Like do anything that would ever make me attracted to. Like I just don't get it. Well, and it's like men with money, don't say shit like that. Let's talk about that.

They literally don't. This last comment on this video says, All these women can never have the same confidence without their makeup. He wrote without their little makeup box pack. What the hell is that? We need to ask. Whatever the hell that means. What is that?

Little makeup box pack. I have a makeup kit, but is that what they're talking about? I assume so. I just, I don't know how you have the strength to get, like, wake up and be like, these girls would never have confidence without their little makeup box pack. Like, babe. I was in high school. My first job was at six flags.

I lasted one day there. No way. They hired me. So I got hired at 15. I don't even know if that was legal. I was, like, 15. Yeah. And they were like, okay, here's a math test.

And bitch, I'm so bad at math. Like, don't ask me anything about fractions. Why did they give you a math test? At six flags. Like, why do I need that? You needed some to know math to do this. I know. And then, so I took it, failed it.

And they were like, thanks. So you're the garbage man. They literally made me pick up trash. That was a test. Yes. So double test. Now you can pick up trash. Do you have like a white person laugh?

I have one. Oh, absolutely. I actually had a bit about that. I don't know. I just started talking about the white person laugh. It's true. It's like your... It's a full laugh.

Customer service voice. It's the same kind of what... You know, when you're on the phone with like the bank or something and then they're like making jokes, and you're like, I know, crazy. Yeah. And they're like, executive decisions.

Like, what part of executive decisions has you rolling like that? that. But we're going to get this money. Listen, one thing about us, I'm staying my bag, that's for sure. Fire them off. I've been getting discounts. I got lots of fake laughs, you know what I mean? And that's it sometimes. If you laugh at my joke, I'm not giving you anything. But if I laugh at your joke, I'm getting discounts.

I'm laughing away. One time I woke up at like maybe 4 p.m. and I had unfortunately ruined my comforter. and I called my mom to be like can my comforter go in the wash naturally I just wanted to check with her and she informed me that at 4 p.m. that it was her birthday and I had forgotten

and I called her and she was expecting me to say happy birthday mom and I said hey can my comfort her go in the wash oh my god I shit myself mom no luckily it was the other way no throw up but I was like oh my god are you throwing up on your own comfort

I know in the night dangerous and you're like mom please can you help me Can this go in the way? Can I try to clean this? And she's like, it's my birth. I'm out to dinner with your father right now. Happy birthday, by the way. I was like, oh my God.

And I went online and I express shipped her an edible arrangement. I was like, oh, good thing. Your present's on this way. Like, that's another reason. Pay $20 express shipping like right now. It's another reason I was calling you. I was like, I'm literally on the phone with edible arrangements right now. Oh my God.

Oh, I got to go. Edible arrangements is calling me. But I do have a specific memory from, I think I was six. It was our first time to Hawaii. Oh, yeah. Big Island. Yeah, yeah. I love the island.

It's beautiful. Yeah. We were... What side did you stay on? Heel or Kona? We're on Kona side. Oh yeah, same. Yeah.

My auntie and uncle have like a place up on the volcano. Oh, cool. Love. Or they used to. Yeah. But we went down to the beach and it was my first time experiencing like the waves in Hawaii. Different. It's open ocean waves.

It's nothing compared to anything that you're going to find in the continental U.S. Not even a little. Well, six years old. Going out there. my to my damn business and that wave completely just took me out and I'm

standing there butt-ass naked you lost your bottom yeah they were gone that's how rough the waves were yeah they just at least it was that

and not me swept out the seat but I was like sitting there crying because like what am I'm six like I'm not emotionally capable of handling this everybody on the beach laughing because it's like, oh, how bad, look the kid.

The traumatized kid. And you're just like a little too old for it to be cute. You come up and they're like, oh. Did you see bros? I did, actually. So what I loved about that was a rom-com for the gays. Yeah. And for everybody.

Yeah. But, like, watching rom-coms growing up, you know, you see, like, men and women kissing and, like, partaking in sexual activity. Yeah. You don't really blink an eye. Yeah. I was watching bros and though I like experience gay sex, I don't know if I'm watching. Julian's gay.

I don't know if anyone knows. Yes. I'm coming out today. I'm gay. And it's a safe space here. I'm gay. I'm gay. And I love it.

Yeah. But I was going to say watching it on screen, watching two men like be intimate. Yeah. Even though I experience it. I like, you almost cringe a little bit. Yeah. That's such a good point. Not used to seeing,

for me, gay men and love like represented on screen. Yeah. Okay, this next comment says, I don't understand why someone doesn't take advantage of the husbands at the mall and open a man shop

with men's stuff to do so I think it says so his woman can shop. Huh? A man shop. A man shop. Is that like... What would be in the man shop?

I'm not a man. So maybe I just don't know. Hats. Just like... What are they have in there? Hammers. Tank tops. Cargo shorts.

I'm thinking of like... Man shop. What the... Sometimes I'm with my boyfriend and I realize I've been talking for 10 minutes. He has a set of thing. And then I look at him and he's like... Story of my life. He's like...

I feel like he slumped over that. I'm like, oh yeah. I burned him. out. He hit his limit with me. And then I'm like, I'm just sitting there in my thoughts like, what was I even saying? Dude, oh my God, sometimes my boyfriend, like I was just telling my mom this the other day. I'll talk and I'll start with like, I wanted to tell him something I saw on Instagram.

Yeah. And I'll end up talking about like the Japanese Imperial Army. How did I get there? I literally was like, wait. And I'll go, I'll literally go on this crazy journey. It'll take me 30 minutes. He'll listen to the entire thing. And then at the end, he goes,

what were you telling me originally? Like something about Instagram? I go, oh, right. Yeah. Like, that's how I don't know all the time. Oh, I don't wash up there because that's gay. That drives me and saying. It's gay to take care of your body.

Uh-huh. You know what's more gay? Being afraid of your own butthole. And I'm convinced this is a big problem of why toxic masculinity is, and I'm about to go on a rant. Men are afraid of their own buttholes. I'm sure. Could you imagine not being aware of all parts of your body?

which then leads them to not get prostate checks, which causes cancer. That's, I mean, that's a good. That's a really good point. But then also, can you imagine thinking that it makes you more of a man to have poop in your butt? I can't. I cannot. That's how I feel about that shit all the time when they're like, oh, we'd never date you. Same.

Yeah. Period. Okay, twin. Okay. Go off king. Yeah. Yeah. I love that for us.

I love that we're on the same page. I think that's so great for us. I'm so proud of us. I didn't have to lead you there. You found your way there on your own. I love that. Oh, the icks.

I've seen ones of like men jumping in, like when they jump in a pool but plug their nose. Oh my God. Why would they do that? Why would you do that? I don't know. Let it go up there is what I think.

That's why I'd rather do that than be filmed doing that. Oh my God. Watching them go like, you know what I mean? Ew, no, no. Watching them shiver. Oh my God. I'm so icked out right now.

When it's cold outside. Like they get a little chill. Or being cold at all. Like, why are you cold? Don't. Yeah. I'll be cold. Simply don't.

I don't know. Yeah. But also no blankets for you. I've always said that. No blankets. But that's just, I mean, those are only for the girls. Yeah. For the girls?

Not the guys. You guys don't need those. For what? For what? You're so manly. You should be warm. You have all of, you're the patriarchy. You should have some warmth in you.

I don't know. Have ever seen those videos? This was a trend. on TikTok for a while, but these girls were like showing or explaining what they took a picture of and they thought it was a private part of, but it wasn't like it was like this part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I've done that before. And then I like zoomed out and I was like got you. Or like it's like their knee. Yeah. I'm like, but you thought that was something, huh?

Idiot. You thought that was my booty? Wrong. You thought that was. It's my knee pit. Right. And that's the funniest part about it because they're so dumb they'll fall for it. So they're like, oh. Yeah, and then they're like, don't send me a picture back though. I don't need that. They're so dumb. Like, you're foaming at the mouth at my arm pick. Get help.

As I said, get help. You need help. This is literally the crease between my toes. Love you, though. You like that? You like that. Sicko. I had a beautiful girlfriend of mine, just like the definition of a bad bitch.

She went on a date that was so bad that she's like, I just, I don't want to date for a really long time. But I said, like, my love, the fact that you. you allowed the date to go that long. Yeah. And it was like a two hour, like, you should have left five minutes in. And that comes from like this people pleasing, this wanting. And that's not her fault. It's not her fault.

No. It's not her fault. But I think that that's something that should be promoted. When you're not having a good time, when someone's making you feel uncomfortable, when someone's disrespecting you and someone's, you're just not having a good time, period. You don't owe anyone anything. Yeah.

And in fact, I would be hurt if someone was sitting across from me and didn't want to be there. Like, don't stay if you don't want to be there. In any situation, business, romantic, friendship. People should only be in spaces that they desire to be in. Yeah. And to think that you're doing someone a favor by enduring it is actually, it's backwards. Like, it's fucked up.

I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. Well, and it's not fair to you. My friend, she's lesbian. And we were like having this conversation about how like, when guys call me gay, I'm like, this would be the most extreme. solution. Yeah. But like if a guy's like, oh, you're gay and I'm like, well, thank you, but I'm not.

But we can solve this. Like, what if we just like drop our pants, put on some gay porn? Kiss me on the lips right now. Yeah, kiss me. Let's make out and see who gets hard. Let's just try it out, man. Listen. Let's see.

I may tell a joke, but I'd never tell a lie. Yeah. You know, if you think about who's the best multitasker you know, she identifies as a woman. That's a woman. single time. Who's the most successful person you know? And crypto doesn't count. Fake money.

Fake money doesn't count. No, it doesn't. Who is the happiest person you know? Crypto's like Roblox. It's the same. What even is Roblox? That I don't know either. It's crypto.

That's what it is. I thought it was like Minecraft like a game. I don't know. Call in. She's so dumb because she doesn't. I don't care. A lot of people say a lot of shit that I do is like insecure and what? What are we going to do from here?

Okay, it's insecure. You can label it, cool. Okay. I'm still upset about it. That's not going to get how I feel is how I feel. You're so real for that. It's not going away. You're so real for that.

Okay, and what? Well, then I think, like, if you want me to be that girl, I will, that bothers me. That makes me uncomfortable. I don't like when you do that. So don't do it anymore. And I said, but believe it or not, I didn't have to ask my boyfriend to not do that. He just doesn't do it. The ones that get it, just get it.

That's what I'm saying, like, if you're so real. Like, that's so true. Like, okay. And so don't date me then. You know what I mean? Like, okay? Literally. Okay.

This first video, this is a guy who's talking to the camera and he's saying there's a little bit of confusion because, like he's, in quotes, because when somebody's overweight, everyone praises them when they flaunt slash model their body. But when somebody is in great shape and flaunt slash models their body, everyone says they're conceited. Who's everyone? Who says that? Who tells hot people, hey, put it away.

I don't want to see that. Who says that? Who does that? It's just so wild to me because why are you thinking about overweight people? Like, why are you so worried about us? You're so worried about that? So worried. It's like, maybe because I'm hotter than you.

Like, sorry. Maybe get your bread up. I don't know. Take it up with God. Clearly he hates you more than I do. That's stupid. Sorry. What a stupid thing to say? Hot people, thin people, they're so oppressed.

Nobody ever wants to see them, ever. Nobody in a bikini, surfing. I don't want to see, I don't want to see that, put that away. You shouldn't belong on Sports Illustrated. Yeah. That's not your spot. Yeah, yeah. I'm taking it.

I'm taking it. Oh, no, you're right. I've made fun of British men a few times. But their threats make no sense. Like, when they insult you, I'm like, are you like, are you like casting a smell? Like, what are you saying? Yeah, like, I can't. I can't tell. I'm like, you're just, you're, you just said a limerick to me. I was not an insult. I don't know what you said, but it wasn't mean. They need to up their game a little bit. Maybe I'm just so uncultured. I don't know. I can hurt their feelings pretty easy, so. Yeah, they're very sensitive. When you talk about, like, beans on toast, that's like, I actually said that in the video got taken down and it said use of slurs. I'm not even joking. And what did you say? I said that they eat beans on toast. That was like the only, like, specific.

like British the only thing I can think of that was that so damn and they said burn her which so much comments of like my early videos with my sister

was like you guys are you're so mean to your sister and like I could never speak to my brother like that good we weren't raised like that girl we weren't

if you had her as a sister you would talk like that my literally bitch I'm like I'm sorry your sister loves you What do you want me to say? I'm sorry you love your siblings Oh my God

Like what do you want me to do Like girl I didn't grow up with my siblings I also grew up with a mother Who had like a hard time Showing any types of affection So like the whole I love you thing with my siblings It's so hard Like I genuinely love my sister

I genuinely and you probably Yes you do love your siblings We don't hug We don't be like saying Girl it takes me Even right now Like it's making me anxious to like think about complimenting my sister.

Okay, as someone who has given a lot of fallacio and a lot of khanalinas in my life, I've eaten a lot of pussy and I've sucked a lot of dicks of my life. I can guarantee, first of all, they are both delicious. I love. It is so... Also, if you're going to roll the dice on hygiene, who do you think is more clean? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying. The pussy's going to mort, 10 out of 10. And vagina's self-clean. But also, the thing about it is, people who like sucking dick, can I, I mean, not everyone, this is not a blanket statement, but sometimes people who like sucking dick, they kind of don't mind a little bit of, a little experience, a little, like, you know, a little smell on the dick. Yeah.

It's to be expected, you know what I'm saying. If you're eating a pussy and it smells like pussy, oh, plot twist, yeah, it's pussy, bitch, it's going to smell like pussy and it's going to taste like pussy. You order the pussy and you're shocked that the pussy came to your table. Yeah, bitch. That's nice. That's a beautiful. It's nice to dream.

It's nice to have unattainable gold. What else gets you out of bed in the morning? Oh, my God. Coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had three liters of coffee injected up my ass. That's what people think. when they think millennial.

They think coffee enamel? Yes. No, they think like the shirt that says like it's wine o'clock. Oh, it's five o'clock somewhere. Yeah, one of those. It's five o'clock somewhere. They use the word like dogo unironically.

Oh, okay. Now we're really getting into that. That's older millennial but also white. So then I think like when they say I'm a millennial, they're like, oh white people, just get rid of them. I'll go first. I will go first.

I will be, I will jump into the volcano first. No, I'm so suss. Like, I'm just so suss. Like, even if I, like, fly somewhere for a job, I still, like, I'm just, like, awkward. And, like, I feel like I did something wrong. And, like, you know, I feel like that's just me.

I'm just really suspicious. Yeah. You just look at you and you're suspicious. Yeah. Well, that's probably why they make a conspiracy about you being the devil. Totally. It's because you're so suspicious.

It's because I'm anxious. It's because I'm angry. Yeah, the devil's really anxious. Devil gets social anxiety. Yeah, totally. shaking. And you know, I've been saying this year to anyone asking me for advice on business and influencing.

Like, the greatest gift you can give yourself is the gift of self-awareness. Yeah. Like, even if you just wash your, wipe your ass, bitch. Krusty, dusty, comb your hair. Even if you don't have a hairline. Like, come out. Yeah, it's okay.

Come on. Come on. Let's go. Literally, me every day. Patrick's fault. So, listen. okay. They endorse me. You endorse me. Yes. We out here. I think there's also this like misconception too with with men like that specifically who think that like they think that like drag queens like all

of them don't know that they're men dressing up as women. Right. They really are out here thinking that we're trying to fool people like that is the thing like they think that we're like trying to be deceptive and and for them I think too because like, honestly most of them when they see us and see these glamazons there is this little bit of attraction there and then when they realize what it is that they're feeling like attracted to because like that's the only way that they know how to like consume beauty is like by being like like I want to penetrate that yeah when they like realize that they're all like oh my god that's like not a citizen woman like he tricked me and you're all like babes first of all like let's be

honest, like, no one wants you. Like, none of us, none of us want you. Like, you are a grown man that can't wipe your own ass accurately. Like, babes, like, we are not coming anywhere. No skin care and say. None.

Oh, my God. Yeah. That was me with the voice. Listen, I was, like, fighting it a little bit. And then I saw, I saw it on TikTok, and I go, listen, I got to watch it now. I should be a judge on the voice. I watch. This is my pitch to you. Put me in Meg. on there. Hey, voice. Give us the double chair. We'll be here and coach. I'm ready. Is it in the

voice UK or like, I did the voice UK? Wait, which is the one, I think it's like Germany or something, but they have a duo and they have a double chair and they have to agree. That's got to be in a different country. I'm so useless, but I'll be funny. No, yeah, she'll give the real, the real commentary. I'll just be funny. And I'll say, you are so cute. She'll give you like actual help and I'll just like be funny. Yeah. Like it's like a motorcycle side car. Yeah. Pick us. Imagine the two of us on the voice. Like, what a mess. We'd win.

Nobody would ever pick us. Because I would be there and they'd be like, that bitch is an anchor. I'm not picking her. No, we'd be like, we can be your best friends. Yeah, I'll be like a parent. We could go to dinner with you. You're like, yeah, I expect two tickets to the voice. I'm in town, so make sure the two tickets are waiting for me.

Yes. I don't get, like, pizza like that. You don't get what pizza? Like, people like pizza? To that extent. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, it's like, it's like, a fancy sandwich.

A pizza? A pizza? Yeah. That's crazy. It's like a toast. There's not bread on... Oh, a toast. You know what I feel you?

It's like, it's not all that. It's not bad. It's not good enough to eat all the time. No. I feel that. I don't know what it is. Oh, I feel like that about avocado. Yeah.

I love avocado, but I feel like I could live without it. One hundred percent. Like I could never have one again and it'd be okay. But some people are like, you got to add avocado. No, you don't. I don't. No, no. Beauty is subjective, but there's obviously a line. The point is society is pushing for normalizing unhealthy standards. Oh, the way I've seen that comment in many different fonts. Yeah. Oh, my God. Beauty is subjective, but obviously it's not. That's like what he wrote. But it's also, she's a model. Like when people, like, criticize me or talk shit about me, but I'm a model. Face card never declines, babe. I was listening to Heat it on the way here. I was listening to Heat it on the way here. I was like, that line where she's like Face card and everyday client. Anyway, I love

Beyonce. But I just don't I don't, I don't get it. Like when people call me ugly or fat or the arguments here like you're normalizing something like, but we're models. I don't get it. Like it's not like I like bought my way into being a model.

I'm here because I'm beautiful. Period. Period. You know, and I got a big dump. That's so funny. It looks like this guy broken and ate all. Looks like this guy broke in and ate all the pies. I'm going to have sex with your father. Broke in and ate all the pies.

Your father's going to be eating a pie. That's for damn sure. Yeah. I'll make sure of it. Why don't you break your mouth into my asshole? And lick my butt hole, you fucking loser. Broke into a bakery and ate all the pies. I'm sick.

And he thought he was William Shakespeare. He's like, anyone else? I don't know about the rest of you guys trying to rally my fans. He also, he also, anyone else, everyone in the replies to my shit is my fans. That's why? I do that. I can't even tell.

I'm like, hey, you're in the wrong neighborhood, bitch. You're going to get jumped in these comments. Roll the windows up and lock the doors. Because there are hundreds of thousands of mentally ill baristas that are ready to mobilize whenever I say the word. Okay. Alfred's finest. There are girls that were, if they're not the Boy Genius concert, they're at my mentions.

And they will fight you, bitch. If they're not seeing Lucy Dakis, they're in. Caleb's comments section. And the Doc Martins are laced up. The Mary Jane. And they're ready to fight for me. And they will. I've got she-days that are shooters. So you need to be careful.

Because the guys from AutoZone are not doing the same for you. No, they surely are not. See, in college, I was still semi-closet it. So I was a frie. So I was a hell, but in secret. Okay? So no. Yeah, because that's back when Craigslist

was still popping. So I was a whole at night. Not a whole, during the day. You're a lady of the night? I was a lady of the night. For sure, girl. Hoping into theada. And, you know, I wasn't a classy hoe. You know, most hos go for like, you know, the dude has like a Dodge Charger back then.

Or, you know, I was Jeep Cherokee. A Jeep Cherokee. I was more of a Honda Civic girl or a Ford or Nissan Maxima. A Maxanaista, as I called myself back then. A Maxenista. Yeah. This one says they're just,

they're just pissed biology. always says the truth so they create some stupid thing. Majority society should rule. Call it self-identity, not gender. Spin me a yarn. Why don't you? I mean, it's giving a sonnet. Tumbleweed. Is that a limerick?

It's like a haiku. It's giving high coup. I think people are just so ignorant these days. It's just like what? How can't you see that somebody can live differently than you? That's at the very like Very very bare bones of it That's not my life

That's okay Like it's fine It's okay It's okay Yes and like you can learn And you'll maybe be happier after My love That's why I said it costs you nothing

To be more inclusive Yes exactly No that was so well put What you said earlier I feel like people are just so quick To be ignorant and bigots And it's like Once they meet somebody

or get inspired by a trans person or a non-binary person that they meet, it's like a light goes off. I'm sure you can do it. Making something specific that a community feels seen about. There will always be an audience for it. Absolutely.

Polynesia is also bigger than you think. It's so much bigger. There's Micronesia. There's Salmon Islands. There's Tonga. There's Tahiti. There is Aoteiroa, aka New Zealand,

which they're still fighting to bring back their native name Aoteroa. Hawaii, like Solomon Island. Islands. Yep. New Caledonia. All of Melanesia. You know what?

Shout it to New Caledonia. Period. You're so right. Yeah. Fiji. I forgot about it. Yeah. There's all kinds.

Eastern Island. There's all kinds. And none of us look alike. Yeah. It's just like their exposure to it doesn't go past like they watched Lilo and Stitch in the dentist office one time. And they're like, I've seen it all. I don't need to see any more. Yeah.

I've seen it all. Yeah. Like, okay, that movie was about Native Hawaiian people. who inherit an alien and you guys you ate that up didn't you? Can you relate to owning an alien? I can't. No crimes. But I watched it and I was like this movie's hilarious. I love it. Yeah.

And that was our representation on screen. We're asking for... Can we have just a little more? Just a little more. Please. What's another fast food restaurant that's like universally loved that you hate? I can think of one, but you go first.

I'm going to be dead-assed with this and I'm going to get canceled. It's by McDonald's. I'm confused. Really? The burger, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, like, you know, when you know, smells like one. It smells like one, too.

It's like, food, food trash. Like, yeah. It smells like that to me. Um, but it's because of the thousand island. I feel you. If I go to McDonald's, I order the, the one with two cheeseburgers, but I want them plain. I'm a chicken nuggy girl.

See, what, why do they taste like the refrigerator? Tell me, why do you like? Probably because they came out of a refrigerator. And you like it. Yeah, girl, I'll eat it up. When they show me, when I said I like those Those grugs. When I say I like those nugs and they're like,

did you know that they're made out of that pink sludge? I don't care. I kind of don't care either. I don't care, girl. I don't like people telling me what's, I know it's made out of your church. My body's not a temple. It's a dumpster.

Absolutely. And I'm throwing trash in that. Absolutely. What's the, people say, can you believe Taco Bell, the meat? They cut it with oatmeal. Good. I'm doing something good for myself then, finally.

Or like, if you sing it enough, a manifestation song. Period. It'll bring you host. Exactly. I've seen a girl that was like, I literally now have a white boy in my roster that just bought me pasta and lobster and just told me that he wants to take me shopping. I'm like, I told you if you sing it enough. Manifest.

Yes. Manifest. Yes. Say, it don't got to be a white boy. It could be somebody else, but just say it. But there's a white one on yours. I mean, there's some people in my dance trying to be, yeah, it's one. We're not going to say too much about my roster. Do you have, do you have men being like let me be the white boy on your roster oh yeah a lot of them

every day that's like the new thing to say to me like that's like a new pickup line yeah let me be the the white boy in your roster or I can't feed you pasta and lobster but I can doda-da-da-da-d girl up stop right there yeah find something new to say I said that yeah be unique stand out you sue them for plagiarizing you're like and lawsuit yeah hope it was worth it yeah like this next comment says don't get a girl's number get her social media do your homework men this way you don't waste your time or money okay jonahill yeah fuck off no literally time or money do your homework which is you go and you objectify her and then um if she gives you a chance then you try to change her yeah that's

the jonah hell method oh absolutely psychotic i know it's unbelievable I don't like they over, I consistently say this. I feel like men like this overcomplicate things. It's really quite simple. Like if you're nice and you have like interests and hobbies and you like care about her as a person, odds are you're going to like get her interests and get to take her on a table. Absolutely. The odds are pretty high if you're like that. Well and I hate the guys that are like, oh, well, I spent all this money on a first date. It's like you didn't have to. If she likes you and you. You could do anything. genuinely care about it, you could do anything. Literally. Go to Trader Joe's, buy a couple wraps and go sit in a park. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a $100 sushi dinner.

You did that to yourself. The fiasco happened. I wore this pair of shoes that were like, you know, like the clear, like PVC vinyl or whatever. They were like, that's how the toe part was. Oh, yeah, those hurt. I don't know about you, but I am one of those people who worships and believes in the house of press on acrylic toenails. specifically French tips Because I'm just too lazy

Go get like my toes I feel you So I'm like oh I'll just press them on What I didn't account for is that your feet get really sweaty In those PVC things And so this didn't show up in the photos Thank God but at some point in the hour and a half I was at this event

All of the toenails came off within the shoe They just floating in there So literally I like I got in the car after I was like that was fun I went to take off my shoe And literally I was like Where are my toenails And I was like there's like some under my

foot. There was some like in the tip of the shoe and then there were some just completely gone. So like there's just toenails all over the LGBT sitter, which I'm sure I've, there's been a lost and found of toenails over the years. Just sleeve in your breadcrumbs all over there, like Hansel and Gretel. So then I was so embarrassed. They had like a roaming photographer and I was like any photos they took of me. It could be at any state of toenail. Bring your best fat jokes. My favorite. When I was like 18 or 19, I was like starting in Chicago and I was like going to to see stand up to see if it was something I wanted to do. And I went to this open mic. and it was this guy was up there and it was me and another person and we were the only not male people

in this space. Yeah. And he immediately was like, oh, we got two ladies here. And we were like, okay, like, nervous. Yeah. Uh-oh. And then his set truly started with like, I hate my girlfriend. I wish she was the, if I could kill her.

And we were like, okay, well, we should head out. And so we stood up to leave. And mind you, he'd just been like, hey, beautiful girlies, girlies, girls. And so we stood up to leave and he was like, fuck you, bitch. And he started screaming. We didn't know this, man. We had not interacted at all outside of him being on stage. And the switch was so fast.

It's on a dime. And at that time, I thought I was bisexual. And so I actually came on this podcast to thank him. TikTok has completely revolutionized. what it even means to be an artist, low-key. Because anybody, like any song, any sound can go viral just from, you know, the most crazy things, whether it's a trend that someone did or someone attached like a filter to their sound. And then now everybody's using this and it's like, what is this song?

Who is this artist? So it's definitely like changed the way that I think all of us as artists approach. music. You know, it's really fun because I'm able to test, like, do y'all like this song? Y'all vibe with it? No? Okay, we're going to go back to the drunk. I was totally kidding.

I hate that song as well. I also hate it. Yeah, I was trying to let everyone else know that it wasn't good. That it's bad, so I'm glad we're all on the same pitch. Thank you. Straight men tend to do very homoerotic things, but are also at the same time

violently homophobic. Yeah. So, like, they do some things that are extremely homosexual. And then they have the nerve to also be homophobic. I don't understand it. That part. It was a perfect example of that. I don't know the guy's name, but the basketball player who was called on video,

humping his friend, dry humping, like, the legs were in the air like this. And the basketball player was like, pow, bow, bow. And he was like, the video came out and he was like, dog, I'm not with that gay shit. it was just us playing. Girl, what type of plan is that? I'm like, y'all grown as men. I'm like, right. And the guy who like this, he's like,

I'm like, laughing. Right. And the guy, it wasn't just like, girl, when I tell you, they were putting it word. I was like, he was like, bro, we was just playing. I was like, we was just playing. I'm like, well, hell, I don't know what type of plan. Y'all evolved there.

But what hell is that? That's not how I play with my friends. We just play like a little volleyball, a little bad bit in. Some of those like playing games. But I'm like, do y'all have like an active sign up list? Because I want to play. Right. Like, girl.

Hey, man, I think might be in. Period. Is this a new sport? I think it might be good at it. Hello. Like, I would be really good at it. But I was like, those are the ones who would be the main ones that be so homo-popola, but do like, homo sheds.

like that. I'm like, make, make up your mind. Do you want to be an ally or do you want to be a part of the group? When people say that like mascots or like, you know, like native costumes or all kinds of weird appropriative stuff is like appreciation, that's like the most annoying thing you can hear. In the entire world. Literally like, how do you not recognize the difference between appropriation and appreciation?

Yeah. you know. I don't know. I truly I don't understand why that's such a hard concept. And I also think like your your culture, whatever it is, like when it comes to white people who want to do that shit regardless of how nicely you ask them to stop or meanly ask, either way they don't listen. No. But like no matter how many times you ask and whatever way you ask, they're going to ignore you. And it's like you don't have a culture and that's why you feel like it's not that big of a deal. Right. You don't have one. Like whatever yours is, what is it? Cass rule?

I don't fucking know. What do you guys celebrate? Colonizing other races? I don't know. That's why I'm like, it's one of those things. It doesn't bother you because it's not you. America, Fourth of July. Like, that's their culture.

Their heritage. Yeah, the old Navy sales they have around Fourth of July, that's their culture. Celebrate that. That's a great thing. Celebrate it. Yeah, good for you. I have honestly one of the most horrifying prom stories ever, which I'll have to say a bit. but it was...

Why? Tell me now. Oh my God. So basically, okay, so let me just set the scene. Yes, please do. So I was working in retail at the time. I was a countergirl and I was doing eight faces a day. It was calm season in Orlando, Florida. Ooh.

Were you like a Sephora or like Mac? Yeah. It was Sephora. And I was on my last client of the day and I just had a brain fart, you know? And so this is like a very niche explanation, but basically I powdered, I set the powder or I set right under the contour before I bronzed. Yeah. Needless to say, she had the most She felt cheap.

She was serving in her life. Literally. And if you're watching this now, my love, I'm so sorry for ruining your prom. Like, I put it on and I saw them in that moment. I was like, oh, I fucked that up. The way you're like, oh, girl. I was like, oh, no, and I was just,

and I had to play it off. I was like, no, babe, this is stunning. This is how the girl wear it. Like, the things you're going to eat. I love to lie sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes you got to lie. As a girl.

Anyone who has worked in retail or customer service, you have to lie. The customer is always right. You have to. You don't want women to, like, just be stay-at-home moms because then we're just stay-at-home moms or we're mooching off of our man's money. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Or, like, but you don't want them to be working moms either because then they're not good in the workplace anymore. Once you're home mom, it's whatever. You're just, you know, it's like, I just feel like motherhood and being a woman is a lot of that. Absolutely, yeah. You don't, you don't fit here, but we also don't want you there. we don't want you at restaurants, we don't want you on planes, we don't want you in the workplace. We don't even think you're good enough to stay home. I feel like that's lazy.

So where do you want us to go? Like, where are we going? What the fuck are we supposed to do, girl? Where are we going? Well, it's also like, it's the same kind of weird perception of like if you post your, like, let's say you and Stephen go out on a date night or something or you go on a trip and you don't have the kids. They're like, where are your kids?

Right. Where are the kids at? I left them at home alone. What the fuck do you think they are, girl? Like they're being taken care of. What are you talking about? One of my favorite thing about Hollywood's is the carpets because the world just sees everybody on the carpet all glamorous and beautiful and all decked up.

But they don't see like at the Emmys, Emmys always seem to fall on the hottest weekend in L.A. And the red carpet's outside. Always. And what you don't see is if the cameras were to pan over, you'd see a huge line of every celebrity in the world dripping wet, assistance with fans like dabbing their faces, terrified. And then they go on the carpet.

And then the moment they get off, like layers start coming off. and it's just disgusting and so unclamorous. I'm like an internet dighead, so I don't have that luxury of someone fanning me. It's just kind of me. It's just me like with my publicist, my publicist going like, I'll get you a napkin, don't worry.

I'll get you a napkin, it's all right. Can we clock the clueless? Are you too young for clueless? No, I know clueless. Like barely. I'm going to be 28. I'm not that young. Yeah, barely, exactly.

So there's this like lying in clueless when she's like, oh my God, like Miss Geist and what's his face like have their legs crossed towards each other. It's an unequivocal. sex invite, but for people like us, it just means that we, like, love each other so much. I love that for us. Like our energies are, like, leaning in here, because, like, our legs are crossed towards each other. And then at the end, we're going to kiss. Oh, my can't wait. And that'll be, like, a literal second for me. Like, I, like, but whenever my husband crosses

his legs away from me, I'll be like... That's actually so real, because when I'm mad at my boyfriend in the car, I, like, face the other way. No, like, if his legs are like, I'm like... The way I'm facing, like, the window like this, because I'm pissed. Like, you know, if he's like this, I'm like, what's wrong? You're like, so you hate me. You're better be like this. Yeah. See,

let's talk about it. Why do you? Because I'm by. And they be like, what kind of girls do you like? You like, the girlie or the boy kind? I'm like, bitch,

what the fuck you're talking about? What? First of all, what are you being? Casual homophobia? Crazy. It's crazy. I'm like,

you are. To say like, you like the girl kind or the, like, what's the fuck are you saying? Fucking third grade. What if I killed you with a gun right now?

How about that? Stop. They're not going to like that. They build those things. I can't even imagine you sending those. Speaking of Shaquille O'Neal, the only picture that I look like a tiny, sexy little baby is me and Shaquille O'Neal.

We did a prom pose. I love that. I was the guest band on Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen, at South by Southwest many, many years ago. And Shaq was a guest. And I remember so specifically, Andy Cohen being like asking, he had questions for him on the thing. And then at the end, he just goes,

Shack, how big is your dick? He just was like, and Shaquil takes his shoe off and just puts it because he's like a size, you know, whatever, 106. And he just put the shoe and it's this long and he just puts it on his leg and everybody screams. And we took pictures after and I was like, I'm inclined to believe him, Hannah. I look like a baby. You look like a strong five, six.

Never in my life. Have I looked like a baby? You look like 12 year old. You look like. Thanks, Shaquille O'Neal. Thank you. Thanks, Daddy. If women like,

female artists aren't like doing the absolute most like with costuming, staging, dancing, singing, uh, then they're like, ah, it's not that good. But then you have men who just stand there in a normal t-shirt and jeans and they play for two hours straight, no breaks, no fun stuff. It's just very standard. Absolutely. And then they're like, oh, he's so deep. He's such a cultured artist.

You know what I mean? He doesn't need all the fancy shit. Oh my gosh. Just a genius. Um, yeah. I mean, I think that that comes from a culture of, you know, competition when it comes to women. I feel like we've been culture, you know, from

time. Society has made us believe that we have to compete against one another in order to like have a seat at the table because there's not so many seats. So I think that when it comes to why women have to be exceptional, it's because you know, there's

that we feel as if there isn't room for less. Yeah. I think that was day two and then day three we saw each other again. Yeah. And I want to talk about that. Okay. Because I remember who we were talking to. Do you remember who you were talking to?

And I was like, because this is where, again, I never had met Drew in person. So like some people are online funny and some people are real life funny. Some people are both. And that's not a shot to anybody. Some people just have their written jokes prepared and then they're mellow in real life. Drew's real life. Let me tell you why. So she's talking to somebody.

I'm not going to name their name. I'm not going to name. I'm sick. I'm sick. I know who it was. Because I'm standing there and she goes, I don't know what she just is like, oh yeah, you're like the most handsome person ever or something like that.

Say it like a hilarious joke, right? And I was like, and I get it. I'm like, oh, okay, like funny. And he goes, oh, they go, oh, thank you so much. Listen. And she goes, and he turns around and like loudly, Drew goes, oh, I don't think they know I was joking. She goes, and this is when I knew.

because she goes, is this thing on to like a fake mic? And I was like, oh yeah, I rock with Drew. This is hilarious. That was so funny. Hold on. I'm fucking sweating in this hot dog. First of all,

I'm upset, but I'm so glad you saw it. Because I swear to fucking God. I've told that story. I literally told it on my other podcast with my sister. And I was like, first of all, I'm pissed. I'm pissed to fuck off. Because I was kidding. And now this dude is watching.

around thinking I think he's hot. Like that's, that upsets me. Like to, and the way he was like, oh. Thank you. Thank you. So, I can't remember what state we were. Do you remember the state?

It was Milwaukee. It was x-rayed. So we were in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and I think it's, yeah. Anyways, there was this, you know, very kind young woman that came up to me and was like, she was with her boyfriend, I'm assuming. And she comes up to me and she's like, it was after the. show, I think she was one of the other bands fans, so she didn't really recognize me or whatever. And she was like, hey, has anybody ever told you like, you look like the Kenna Kirkland guy?

And I literally, I'm being, I'm so dumb. And I'm just like, yeah, I get down a lot. No, no, Johnny goes, oh yeah, I've heard that before. And I'm right next to him. And I was like, hey, sorry, did you say, does he look like the can of Kirkland guy? And she was like, yeah, and I was like, that is him. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I was like, yeah, that is me. She yelled so loud.

She was like, wait. Oh, my God. She was like, what the fuck? And I was like, I didn't realize. I said like, oh, yeah, I get that a lot now. It's crazy. Yeah, crazy. Yeah, I do look like a kind of Kirkland guy.

I do look exactly like in the crazy. I should start leaning into that whenever someone said, are you the kind of Kirkland? I'm like, no, I just look like me. Just put on the red glasses. No, it's not me. Just lie. Just lie.

Every time you're like, I. They don't, I wonder all the, what do you guys do? I feel like they sit in silence. Tell me something and I'm like, I'll have a follow-up question that's totally normal. And he'll be like, I don't know. I didn't ask. I'm like, how don't you ask these questions? What do you guys?

You guys just say sentences and just stop there and never just don't follow up. No follow up. It was recent too. I was like, oh, yeah, my friend broke up with his girl. And she's like, oh, my God, why? And I'm like, oh, I don't know. Me, literally me.

I'm like, oh, now I got to call him and ask him like, that's not fair. Gave me half a story. Go find out. I'm like, now it's awkward. Like, he told me, oh, by the way, me and blah blah, blah, bro, I'm like, oh, okay, are you good? And he's like, yeah, I'm like, all right. And we moved up.

Everyone was, like, so upset. I still don't know. I still don't know. And I went to Coachella this year, I got the pie, the spicy pie. Every fucking time I ate. That's the only thing I ate. The pizza way, yeah, I love that. One big slice, love it.

That's what I was eating. Yeah, bibing. Yeah. And the second day I went, I went to the spicy pie booth again. And then the girl was like, you were hearing yesterday. And I was like, first of all, What did I ever do to you? Yeah.

Second of all, what's your problem? There's a lot of people who are you checking for me. Yeah, first of all, how'd you remember me? Why don't you remember me? You're a fan. You're a fan. And are you? Because you're flocking me.

You're giving fan. That's fan behavior. And not any fan I want if you're clocking me and how many slices I get. Then I have to that. Where's the free slice? It's always let him take a picture and not you want a free slice of pizza. Every time I have a bad interaction with a gay person. And I'm like, don't make me hate gay people.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I saw this. I'll turn. I saw this tweet once that was like, I really hate when you guys make me side with a man. Like, that's all I feel. Yeah. When they, like, make a valid point or like they're like kind of.

You can never give it to them. No. You still have to. Not publicly. No. Yeah. Privately, yeah. Right.

But I'm not happy about it. I tell you that much. Yeah. You got to keep that locked up. Yeah, locked up at all. You can't give them an inch and they take a mile. Right, exactly. Not even a little bit of wiggle room.

This is a video where a woman is walking around a target with a videographer and she's getting mad at all of the pride items on display. She stops a target employee and asks them where the quote straight section is. The whole story. Yeah, I was going to say the closed section, like the normal clothes section girl. Right. You could go there. What is the big deal? Once again, once again, like, you are still represented.

Right. Further representation doesn't take from yours. Right. It's just more inclusive. Right. Doesn't mean anything. Doesn't hurt you. No.

It's no different. Like, I ain't got no titties, but I'm not going to be like, why are all these brawls here? Where's the brawls for the flat-chested people? You know, like, I'm not asking that. Where are the bras for people with no booze? Exactly. I just gop ass. Yeah.

Like, who cares? I don't know. My biggest quam right now is like there's like, I feel like people are going back to like minimalism in a way that just is like, I don't know. I keep seeing those like breakdowns of like Jacob Lurdy's fits and like love him. No hate to. He looks great.

Like, but it's all very like casual clothing. People are like dissecting the outfit. I'm like, girl, he put on jeans. Jeanne and a cut off shirt and a little coach bag. He looks great. Yeah.

But it's not like, no people. It's not like, it's not like, you know what I mean? Like I'm like give it. Sometimes I think it's like give it to me. I want to see it like I want you to serve me. But I even so like for me I genuinely believe like fashion is art right

It's an art it's a self-expression So whatever you feel beautiful in whatever you feel Cunt and that's what you should wear And I just feel like don't throw stones if you're living in a glass house girl So like when people say shit to me about my looks And I go and look and you're just like a Don't throw stones from the Vineyard Vine store Like that's not like

One time the Italian Mafia showed up to my gig Yes I was doing my solo show in Italy at this gorgeous theater And I guess when you perform in Italy There's like a special tax And like my tour manager was just like a hot mess And like never paid this like special tax And the Italian mafia showed up with guns

Oh my God But when I say Italian mafia I mean like random men in suits With a piece of loose sleeve paper that said you owe us $27,000 You owe me a million dollars I'm not even Peter And they like Open their job

They were like Oh my god You're like I'm in a corset No literally I was like zip my dress up I heard about it I was like zip my dress up Where are they? What are they gonna do

They're gonna shoot me They're gonna shoot me like this That's the Gemini That's the Gemini I'm like they better Yeah This is the one way to go Yeah

Let's fucking hit it I will bring me to the mafia now They are not ruining my show Gemini Yes Okay Gemini girl And I stomped around that theater. And you did the gig.

No, my tour manager was like, get that, get the dressing group, I don't handle this. What are they going to do? Shoot me? Probably. Literally, yeah. They're like, that's what we're saying, actually. Yeah, well, yeah, that's my plan to shoot you, yes.

Well, the show went on. So you can put the pieces together from there. Committed to the gig. The show must go on. Okay, shoot me if you must. Just let me do my number. Yeah, let me do my show. And afterwards, we can talk.

I really think we should do a rap song. I really think that there's a bars in there. You said something earlier. I was like, that's a bar. We're about to, like, steal the things you say and put them in there. Please do. Either you're going to be on the song or we're just taking your whole bit. Okay.

Either or. I'm happy with either. Maybe an interlude. I'm shooting my shot now. Maybe you do interlude. Oh my gosh. I'll shit myself right now. Oh my gosh.

I'm getting nervous. I can hear it. My pits are sweating. Getting nervous. That would be an honor. We'll talk after. Our teams connect. Wow.

Okay. Well, how's the love life going? Speaking of men who are constantly throwing themselves to you. Well, I'm going a couple dates here and there, here and there. But most of the men are up to par to what I need. Christian, above six feet, has a job, you know, things like that. Most have to take care of a woman. Most of the men are either missing six teeth or homosexuals, though.

I just try to steer clear of men like that. I try to find men at church. Every man that you attract is either toothless or gay. It seems like it. That's what it seems like. That's been my track record. I don't know what attracts them to me. You are what you eat, though.

So, I mean. That's why I'm attracting pieces of shit. This notion that women aren't funny is wild to me. It started somewhere, right? It started on like 4chan 15 years ago. For real. Right? Like women are.

fucking funny. Make me a sandwich to like the ugliest motherfucker you've ever seen. Yeah. I know. I'm very familiar. Yeah. Being a female comedian. Yeah. On stage, even if it's my show, even if the whole audience is like, we're here to see Caitlin Riley. Yeah. I still feel like when I'm on stage, I am constantly having to justify why I'm on stage. Whereas men don't have to do that. No. Right? When sometimes they should. And sometimes they should. Sometimes I deserve an explanation. men innately, especially in the sphere of like funny, comedians, stand-ups, men. Like, there's nothing I hate more than a mediocre white man on stage with a microphone. Period.

I feel like I had a blast in college. I believe that. I mean, that's like the quintessential experience. We didn't get to partying until we were like mid-20s. Really? Yeah. I didn't party in college because I was late. No, I'm just like wasn't into it.

But then when I hit 23, party face hit. Yeah. Which was fun. Time to go out. Yeah. It was us together because she was 25. I was 23. were hitting the bars every day. Oh, period. Yeah, do you ever think back to that time when you're like,

that would put me in a hospital now? Oh, my God. I'd be hospitalized. No, I'd be bedridden. Many times. Yeah. The way that I thought I couldn't hang by not doing like a four-day weekender. Yeah, literally. I was like, wow, oh my God. Like, I'm so lame now or whatever. Oh, my God. What? I know. Now I have like two glasses of wine and I'm like, oh, man, I can't. I have to wake up early tomorrow. Same. I can't do it anymore. When I hit 26, also I feel like we're just like acting like, We're so old right now. But when I hit 26, I had my first hangover ever. Really?

Wait, what? Yeah, because remember, when I was younger, I would go out every weekend, like four days in a row and like wake up and go, wake up and go, no issues. Now I sniff a glass of wine and I'm hung over. It's crazy. I really am acting like I'm so old. I'm sorry. I had like four light beers once and I, the next day I thought I had COVID.

And I was like, oh, I think something's wrong. It was that bad. I was Mr. Crabsman. Ha ha ha ha ha.