The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - COMMENT SECTION: ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

It’s All-Stars week! In what some have already called the crossover episode of the century, Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon join Drew to claim their title as the Comment Section’s first returning guests. The trio talk about their high school proms gone wrong, bodyguarding, being mother-pilled, Caleb setting up a fortune teller booth at a house party, Drew’s driving incident, a cameo from Caleb’s mom to confirm lore about his childhood, and so much more. Drew: https://linktr.ee/drewafualo Brittany: IG / TikTok Caleb: IG / TikTok For sponsorships/partnerships, email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, everyone. This is Jerop Wallo, the host of the comment section. And before we get into this week's very fun, very special, very awesome episode, I want everyone here to give Rockstar Energy Drink a big thank you, Rockstar Energy Drink for being the sponsor of this week's episode. Specifically, Rockstar Energy Drink's new Rockstar Focus. And I want to tell all of y'all that it was truly faked that this episode came together. And I'm so incredibly thankful for my two very funny, hilarious, very annoying guests. Thank you so much Rockstar Energy Drink for being the best. I love you so much.

Enjoy the episode. Bye. I said, Cooper, what clone do you wear? And he said, oh, I don't, it's just like, I don't know my mom gets it for me. And I go, I go, oh, yeah, but like, what is? And he goes, he goes, I really don't know my mom gets it for me. Every time I get a chance being like, Cooper, do you even know, like what the bottle looks like?

You know? And like, but I'm trying to play it cool. And he's like, oh, yeah, I don't remember, man. And, like, literally, I'm being so persistent. I think I'm being coy, you know. And then finally I go, I need to know what clone you are. And you're gonna fuck you. Tell me.

Now. And he goes, he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? And I go, can I go? And I go, yeah. Everyone, welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your favorite. Everybody knows me. Who gives a fuck about me? Today I have an unbelievably requested episode.

And by requesting me, like, from me only, it's Britney Rouski and Caleb Heron. Who! Cheers. Hey, cheers for real. Cheers. Cheers to a damn good time. Hey. Can I make a toast? I wish you was. Now, here's to the Knights we'll never remember. With the people we'll never forget.

Cheers to y'all. Cheers to y'all. The big lipstick. Cunting. I fear she cunted. Say the one you said before we started. It's time to cunt. Say the one you said before we started,

Rennie. What did I say? It was a JFK reference. Oh, I said she shot the mother bullet that killed John F. Cunton. Tell what you wanted. My favorite movie. My favorite movie, Goodwill Cunting.

I just started changing all of the breakfast cunt. Anyways, welcome back to the show. My very first repeats. Hey. Second time. So, and you know who we're missing? Leo Gonzalez. Leo, where are you, honey?

He's banned from the building. We forgot about him. Yeah, I saw his picture up around the security booths and they said, don't let this man in. Yeah, it said wanted shoplifter. Yeah. He was stealing from the studio. I'm sure he was. I can't prove it, but.

God bless his heart. I still told them to hang up the signs regardless, just in case. Clifdomaniate, freak. Welcome back to the show. Brittany and Caleb are two of my most popular episodes to date. Oh, my God. And have you given a royalty check? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got home the other day. There was a Ferrari in the driveway. That's real sweet. And then I sent Brynie vibes. Britney, love me. No, she did it to be mean because she knows my big ass can't fit in this car. I said, you can't. I guess I'll drive it home.

Oh, my fuck. Oh, fuck. I hate that. Well, thanks for coming back, y'all. Your jerseys are hanging in the rafters, all stars. It's a pleasure to be here. I feel like I'm home again. 4XL jersey.

4XL sheen. Oh no, not too much on the sizes. Not too much on the size of the jerseys there. You're getting a little too small to be talking like that. You better put some pounds back on before you implicate me in the 4X big. Trust and believe. I'm lying out of 4X, you want to check the tag on my underwear? Let's check it then.

Get in there. See what you find. Don't mind. I just pull my fucking pants out. I'll show hole on this episode. And? Are those cameras 4K? You don't aren't going to like what you see.

The light bars set up and everything. Softbox lighting. Oh my God, a beautiful whole shot from me at the end of the episode. Stay tuned. And then I'm going to do a voiceover like National Geographic. The predator moves in on his pride. It's Brittany just moving towards me with a couple fingers. No, we got to cut that on.

Two in the pink, one in the stink. Now where is Caleb's pink? I only know about a stink. I don't have one, y'all. And it makes me feel fucking crying. No, I'm gonna fucking cry because I feel so out of place with y'all. Like, I'm literally like a man in this space. You think Caleb Jenderdiff for you.

Shut up. I'm sure you have a pink somewhere. I'll get in there and I'll look. Everything down there is... Let me in there. I'm willing to get my hands dirty. You put on gloves up to your elbows. Let me in there.

I'm gonna pull my sleeves up. Yaya yada. Let me get him. Woy, yo, yo, y'oy. Fist to cuffs. Let's go. I would, I would think I would fight y'all if I had the opportunity. I would lose.

You think? I think Brie would start laughing, to be honest. Yeah. Y'all would beat my ass to the point where I would have to be permanently hospital life. She'd be like, ah, no. You would beat my ass. I've seen the videos of you in the gym and I go, I'd lose.

Yeah. Because I'm not strong, I'm just big. Which is a strength. Yeah. I think big as a strength. Yeah. The pen is your sword. Oh, God.

Yeah, that's true. You're wit. My wit? I think that's more than enough. Oh my God. Well, yeah, that brings me in my first point of the show. Thank you so much for being on. I think y'all wanted, in the text messages,

y'all said that you wanted to compliment me straight to camera, right? I think that was in the show notes? Was that, oh, I think we're the producers. Didn't we have in the show notes? Compliment Caleb straight to camera for three minutes each. Well, this is terribly humiliating, but go ahead. Okay. We wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.

No, I'll get through it. Obviously, everyone on the show knows that I'm the biggest fan ever of both Brittany and Caleb. I'd be doing PR for you all. It's true. Technically speaking. It's true. For free.

And we're actually running the board. book tour. Yeah. I was like my invoices are unanswered as of right now, but don't worry, I'll keep sending them. When your team texted Brittany and I on a group message and said, will you guys do security for Drew's book tour? I will say there was a moment of a side chat where we said, hold on, is that offensive? Is that racially profiling? Is that racially profiling? Racially or body profiling? Yeah. Well, you southern, big white people from the, so you said, and Brittany and I said, you know what, that's our girl? Let's do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. Well, and your resume was just that picture of you in front of Aaron Carter.

Is that who it was? You know about this, don't you? He bounced for Aaron Carter. I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter one night. Yeah. Is this like, there's... Ask any question you have. Hello?

I can talk. Take your time. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Come back. Come back. Where'd you go? This is my impression of Brittany just now. Is...

A stroke, mid-sentence. Short-circuited. Jesus. What thought of you being a bodycard Literally made her short circuit for a second Something in this DP group Oh, we're drinking DP in the mugs We're doing DP

Sorry, that's just the perp Full sugar Don't mind it Don't mind this I've seen that fucking tweet That's that white girl who tweeted And she said Lean is a drug

I do not Whatever, let's move on Yeah, it was me Okay, you bodyguarded for fucking Nick Cannon I don't want to say Aaron Carter Whatever If I bodyguard for Nick Canaan

I'd have a kid by now At least to I'd be pregnant. He would have found a way to impregate you for sure. That's true. I'm always trying to get somebody to impregnate me. I would love to carry. Well, what are you doing after this?

Would you get me pregnant? If I could be a deadbeat mother. I don't see any other way. Oh, Harry, I wouldn't have you involved in the kids' life. Are you kidding? That's valid. Okay, tell me the story. I don't know this story.

Well, I bought a daughter for Aaron Carter. It was one night. I was in college. And, you know, he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security detail. Crazy. For sure. and the student-

Who's the biggest, gayest guy we know? Yeah, they said, who's the biggest faggot in three square miles? They said, who do we have? That's with any place you go. That's going to be top spot. That's me. I'm big dog.

Hey, I'm king shit on big dick mountain. Everywhere I go. Everywhere I go. And, yeah, so me and my buddy on the Student Activities Council, they said, well, he needs security, and I said, I'm on it. We walked around campus all day

with walkie-talkies pretending to, like, you know, scout the place. and then yeah I bought her go to him all night he kissed me on the forehead it was beautiful and you made passionate love it was beautiful in front of the audience no the audience did want to fuck him though

isn't that funny I mean he really because it was well past his time yeah but they really wanted to the girls were doing a nostalgia horniness which is such a powerful hornet I feel that way about Jesse McCartney really do you will y'all Jesse girls

not really no oh beautiful soul beautiful soul I like the song or how about but I speak Spanish Japanese French and talking definitely makes sense.

Hey, a body, a body, a body language. Come on. I know. Oh, I was in it. I loved the music.

I know a song because he had a lot of big booty girls in that music video. He did. Shaking ass. And we were what, nine? And I was like, oh, I'm into it. Okay.

Okay. Just McCarty with a little flavor. I think I know the moment that my grandma figured out I was gay because I was at her house for Thanksgiving. And I was like, I was like,

I want to show you a song that's really important to me. And she was like, okay. and I took her over to the desktop computer and I put on Beautiful Soul and I was seeing it along and I was like I don't want another to be

she's like gay I'm looking back around like I'm like and Anna look I choreographed something to it as well I'm like You're body rolling You're doing a heels dance I'm square dancing

You have knee pads on Will de Beasts What's a playground Hold on, not too much on Wildebeest. Dance play. What's happening with Wildebeest? I slide in the knee pads. I pull a chain

in my grandma's kitchen. So you have some shoe dazzle heels on. And she watched the whole thing and she went, that's nice. What is shoe dazzle heels? You don't remember shoe dazzle? Shoe dazzle was a shoe subscription service. What?

And they were the world's ugliest shoes. I wore some to my sweet 16. And guess what you know about just fab? Yeah. Just fab online? Of course I know. Some of the worst blisters you could ever. think of in your life. They're literally shoe subscription

websites and they were the godiest most like Jersey Shore type heels. Is this an intergenerational gap that's happening here? How old are y'all? She's the same age as me, bitch. I'm like just that. I've never heard of these things in my life. And she's a fetus compared to us. Yeah. I am very, very young. Yeah. You're developmentally very far behind us.

Yeah, I would say you are a lot further behind us. I got a big forehead. That's fucked. You advocate for yourself though. When we all went to dinner the other night, we said, can we just pick a restaurant that has pictures on the menu? Because words are hard, and I don't want to do that. And I thought that was, I was like, stand up for yourself, girl. Advocate, no, but advocate for yourself. That's important.

What does advocate mean? Yeah. Did you spell it for me? Yeah, use it in a sentence. Dude, the first time we all got dinner together, I thought that it was funny because you group text us. And then you were like, if you bitches don't answer me, I'm going to send a bomb to both of your houses.

Like a couple days had passed and neither of us had responded. I appreciate that. Me too. I need to be held at gunpoint. Me too. And it's such a, it's a quality about myself that I'm trying to work on of trying to be better about responding and not ghosting people because I do it to both of you.

And I will admit that. And Caleb's like, okay, well, let me know when you start working on. When it's class one. Let me know when you start that journey. Hey, when the program kicks off, give me a horror. Go ahead and hit me up, girl. I was going to say you're good. Both of y'all are good about like, and I said,

you'll double text me. Oh, I'll triple quadruple text. Yeah. I'll literally, I'll literally at her in our group chat. You know, like, it tells you extra like, hey, bitch. Hello. Or sometimes she'll respond to memes on Instagram and I'm like, hey, go ahead and hop over to that group chat and answer the other fucking 30 questions I asked you.

Oh, I'm glad you're having fun on an Instagram. Let's pick up the phone and check out the text message. I'm working on it, y'all. Well, as everybody here know, I'm sure. The three of us have never been together on the same pod before. So this is truly... Legally, we have not been allowed to. The restraining orders made that a little difficult.

Yeah, the courts just lifted the embargo. And we were allowed into Brat Studios. And we're going stupid, going crazy. Yeah. That is how it sounds when we all hang out. That is how it sounds when we all hang out. We go to dinner. 100% gay nonsense. I feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us.

I know when we went to dinner the first time, like a few months ago. remember when we left the hostess was like man you guys were laughing all night is that derogatory? Yeah it felt like she was like you guys were laughing all night it felt like it had a little bit of like shut the fuck up. Yeah she's like yeah go ahead and get the fuck out of here by the way. Yeah yeah yeah. At dinner, Dason said that was the first time the three of us ordered sodas and she was

like I'm good with water and then Caleb was like, well you think you're fucking better than us. And then she got a soda. Yeah well. Grow up and order the D.P. And then she necked it before the rest of us. You're all, oh, didn't want a soda, huh? By the way.

Didn't want one? Downed it like a cartoon character sucking on a cactus in the desert. Just fucking ate. Like, shut up by with spinach. Here's what I'll say about me bullying Dason and getting a soda. People were scared to say this.

Bullying works. Bring it back. Bring it back shame and bullying. What do you think got me this show in the first place? Period. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Now we get to terrorize people for a living. And I love that.

Well, you terrorize them by being annoying. That's very true. Mine's being mean. I terrorize them live in person. I say, buy a ticket. Come out. I'm going to be horrible to you. And they do.

It is truly at a Caleb show. It's like seals in an audience. I feel in the audience. He's like, you're ugly and you're fat. We went and watched Caleb because I did an opening five for Caleb's. A, eight, eight, eight. First time doing stand up. And Caleb, trust.

me to do it and I said okay well I did bring a gun so hope that's cool with you someone's going out I don't know if it's me or someone in the audience but just in case it bombs I have a plan B just so everybody knows I did not allow you to do a set on the show I begged you for months to do a set anywhere yeah and then you came and did a phenomenal set you were very good at it thank you very much did you have fun I had honestly a blast I was telling him it felt like something completely different from like doing TikTok or whatever doing comedy online is very different so the feeling was awesome it's a rush

But I was nervous as fuck. I'm never nervous for work stuff, but I was really nervous for that. Because you were a theater kid adjacent. Yeah. I did theater in school, but not a lot of it because I was an athlete too. It's that feeling of like being on a stage where you can't see the audience and it's just the lights and it's like, okay, I hope I remember what I was going to do back down. And it's like also they're there to see you because they love you. Yeah.

It's a pat on the back too. Brittany remembers that feeling from when she was in high school and she played the grandma in the Adams family. Period true, period true. And that is a truth of mine. At Keller High School, I've seen pictures. I found pictures. And did I win a Kelly Award? Yes, I did.

At Keller I.S.D. in Texas. She's like, every time I was in theater, they always made me like an old lady or a man. Yeah. I was like, okay. I did experiment with cross-dressing at one point in my life. Yeah, for art. For art.

Which is so beautiful. And then I started doing it behind closed doors. Yeah. And that's drag. And that's drag. And that's drag. This is like such a random story. But when I was in fifth grade,

we did this project where you had to do like it was like a human wax museum so you had to pick someone that you admire in history do like a little paper on them and then I'm back to school that you had to dress like them write like a minute monologue and then like pretend you have a button and then someone would press it and then you'd have to recite a model no one ever guesses because it's just the most absurd pick in the world who did you pick I picked King George the third which is the worst king in English monarch history one of them You pick her why? I don't know. I don't know why I picked it. And I remember my, I was the only girl who cross-dressed. I was the only one who picked a man. And also I did not pick someone I admired person. I don't know why.

Like my teacher literally called my mom. It was like I feel like she should pick somebody else. Like let's look into him a little bit more. I feel like she should pick somebody else. She's steadfast in her decision. Yeah. My mom was like, well, does she really want to do it? And she was like, yeah.

Like she told me, I have all the material prepared because I did. And she was like, then just let her do her. Who gets the fuck? And I did. Did you just like, hey, Noel, it's Miss Blake. Drew's being a little dyke with her. Jury's out on Dacin, but it's not looking good over there. Oh, dude.

Sometimes I look back at my sister's crushes, I'm like, lesbian. Yeah. She's so gay, it's crazy. Yeah. Like some of the people she liked, I'm like, yeah, that, yeah. Like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, that was such a big, like, when someone was like, Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement,

if it was a girl, I was like, you're gay. Sorry, you're gay. You know what was another one is I had some gay cousins who had a similar thing who loved Artie from Glee. That's their fave.

That's their fave. And I was like, interesting. Of all the men on that show, huh? That is interesting. Hey, no worries. And all right. We love you.

How you are. How you are, no worries. How you are. God damn. It's like, that's okay. Just not in front of me. Yeah, whatever. you do in the privacy of your home.

And I remember I was King, yeah, I was King George III. Do you have a fact for us about King George III that you remember? The only one I really remember is that he was one of, if not the worst English monarch. Like he tanked the economy. He everybody hated him. He refused to die.

And he like went, he went insane. Like on the throne. He went insane and he refused to relinquish. You said, I'm lucky fucking with him. I was like, and you know what? That's tea. Maybe he's on to something. We got motion, twin. Perseverance. Yeah. He and I are not alike, because I'll tell you, as soon as the opportunity to die presents itself, I'm taking it.

I will not fight. I'm jumping on it. Oh, yeah, when you see people coming out of comas and they're like, she's a fighter, I'm not. I'll go. Go ahead and let me go. I've had a good time, but I'm not begging to stick around. You know what I mean? You do strike me as like gill from finding Nemo, just like, just been through it.

The hot scarred one. That's the, that's the fish that people say they're attracted to. I know that's fucking right. I know that's fucking right. There you go. I wish I had a face scar. God, I would eat. God, I would eat.

Y'all cut me. Y'all cut me on the show. I'm like, I don't need that. Comedically large sword. Sometimes I look at my past when I was like a child and I'm like, yeah, I needed attention bad. This makes sense. You know what I mean? Yeah, I needed that.

Anything to be different. Yeah, and literally anything at all. Did you guys have any memories like that when you're kids? I'll tell you what. I got one. Let's hear it. Every day for about two years, I refused to wear anything except for cowboy boots with a full Ken City Chief's wind suit and a little cowboy hat.

And here's what I would do to play. This was my play, okay? This was my play. I was like seven. I would go out in the yard with a shovel and I would dig in a ditch for a couple hours. I would just dig around. I'd move dirt around. And I'd go inside all dirty and sweaty and my mom would be like, how is work today?

Why are you cosming blue collar? Girl, girl. The way I would go in the house dirty, I'd be like, rolling. up my sleeves, I'd be like, can I get some water? She'd be like, she'd be like, yeah, she'd be some water. And my co-workers were all imaginary, named after country music stars. I'd be like, oh, me, Kenny, Chesney. Chesney.

Me, me, Kenny, Chesney, Tim McGraw. I said, me, Kenny and Tim got about as much done as we could out there today, but it was a hot one. Are you being serious? But I'm dead ass serious. Why are you doing physical? Reba's going to ring my neck in the morning. I'm dead.

Reba's going to have my ass. I would go out there, I would go out there and dig ditches. and I would just dig all day long and I go inside. My mom, who's actually a single mom working multiple jobs, by the way, would have to like... She's like, I actually got enough going on. She would have to, like, play along to my little bits. We're going to see if she answers me right now.

I'm not going to say, oh my God, answer it on the first ring, pathetic, pathetic. Hey, mom. She said, I don't have a life. Oh, girl, okay. Hey, you're on a podcast, so... My friend's Brittany and Drew are here. Do you want to say hi? Good.

Hey, I wanted to ask you a quick question. You're on camera and audio. Well, you're on audio. When I was a kid, did I dress up in cowboy boots in a full Chiefs win suit for like a year or two straight? Yeah. I had to basically wait for you to fall asleep and take it off of you.

And what would he do in the win suit when he was playing? Yeah, what would I do in the yard when I was playing with Kenny and Tim? You did all sorts of stuff with Kenny and Tim. Okay, not being very specific. Mom, the content's better if you say specific things. You talked to them. I had to set a plate at the table for him. She had to set a plate at the table for them? Yeah, for Kimmy.

I would get... You never made me for Kenny, but I had to for Kimmy. I guess Kinney didn't deserve to eat. What I or would I not go out and, like, play in the dirt and pretend that we had worked like a long, hard day? Oh, yes. Yes. I'd be so tired from working outside with Timmy, and here I had worked at 12 hours. What I say?

What I say? All right, I love you, girl. You have a good one, okay? Love you. Bye. Bye. So, yeah, here I am fucking toiling over three jobs, by the way. A nurse.

She has to heal me coming in being like, where's the water, bitch? God, and dinner's not ready? Yeah, on the table, bitch. Oh, my God. She was tickled pink by that. Did you hear her at the end? She loved that.

Yeah, she's down bad. She's down bad. She stands me hard. I like how you were cosplaying blue collar work. You're a fine coal. You knew you would never. No, I knew then. I was like, this is about as dirty

as it's going to get for me. Yeah, you're like, I'm all about the pageantry. of hard work, but not the actual hard work. Stolen valor. Like physical. Really stolen valor. Stolen valor. Stolen valor. Well, I'm looking at y'all's hands, and they've never worked a day on their lives. Obviously.

The three of us, we have a lot in common in that. That is true. What was y'all's first job? What was y'all's your first job? Oh, my very first job? I think it was like legitimately when I got paid for. I was in college, and I worked in, like, the athletics, athletic department office.

I was like an assistant. At the University of Hawaii. Yeah, I was literally like an errand running whore. Like, that's all I was. I was printing papers and putting them and getting yelled at. Sweating in a two-type polo. That actually seems to be a theme in all my job. You were in the whole of it.

Oh, girl. You were in there for a little bit. Button to the top. One mono boob. You were keeping dick sporting goods alive. Yeah, alive and well, actually. Not dicks, please. Academy.

And you can guess I was a Baskin-Robbins employee. Thank you so much. By my thick knuckles from scooping. Your dirty, dirty palms. my calloused palms from scooping. How was that job? It was, I think every single person should have to work in the food industry. Yeah, I did at least once.

I was a server in college once. I think every single person should have to either prepare food for people or serve food to people. Because it teaches you a lot about humanity and it teaches you a lot about how unhygienic places are. I was 16, mind you. They let me open and close the store by my lonesome. At 16 years old? I'm taking money out of the register. I'm scooping, like, digging my own spoon in there.

Truly. Yeah, I'm double dipping. That's actually how COVID's turning. Yeah, well. In the Daccarry ice tub in the Bath & Robinson, South Lake Texas. I had grown men coming in every day being like, the usual for me. This is my first day here. King.

You mean usual? Also, they're usual a large preline milkshake. Yeah. Yeah. You know how large? This is how big a large is at Baskin Robbins, dude. That is a large. That's like that Panda Express Cove, you know that shit.

It's like 32 ounces. Period. Period. A leader. Yelling at me when I'm like, sir, we ran out. You were dry. Yeah, you were in here yesterday and the day before. And the truck comes once a week, honey. You're like, that's 72 ounces of preline milkshake you consume, sir.

Hey, baby, I'll talk to upper management, but for now. Pick a different one. You know what I mean? Let me see what I can get going for you. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was horrible. Being a server was the worst job I've literally ever had. Oh, I loved it.

Did you? Oh my God, I worked in food service for four years. My first job ever, I decorated cakes at a golden corral. Period. Now, I did not know golden corral had decorated cakes. You better fucking believe it. That's your, that's your culture. They had little carrots on every slice.

Golden corral? That's where your people go to worship. Oh, my, yo, you're absolutely right about it. It's the closest thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church. 100%. I loved waiting tables. I honestly miss it. I loved, I just loved it.

That makes sense. I was like, I was like, I was like, what is going on, y'all? What's my euphoria? I would go up to a table and I'd be like, hey. Hey. Boy, am I good to see it? I'm glad to see you. Oh, my God, I'm good to see y'all.

Aren't you a sight for star rise? I'm good to see y'all. I loved it. Every single table I was like, this is a new friend. I loved it so much. And when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more. Because that's what? Fellowship.

Because I said, what's going to happen? I'm going to get it right and you're going to be shocked. Oh, I loved it. It's community. Oh, yeah. It is. My first and last serving job, I worked in like a steakhouse in Hawaii. And I told the,

guy at front. I'm like, I can only work part time because I like had a full class load and another job. So I was like, this is like literally getting fucked up money. Like this is the money I, so my other money can go turns my bills. This is for me getting drunk. Period. Period. And so, I made good money too because it was like a high end steakhouse. And I remember he was like, okay, two, three days a week. I'm like, cool. I start working. It's hard as fuck, mind you. Why? I had to come in three hours before my shift and set up like the salad bar and everything. And I had to like, yeah, girl. I was our old goddamn day. you're harvesting the lettuce?

I'm like, I'm like, gacking it in like in the back. Yeah. I literally remember my very first day, he was like, you need shorts and a t-shirt is what I wore, and then like he had to have white shoes.

And so the shorts, I thought he said black, but it's supposed to be khaki. So I brought black, like black shorts to say the right length, whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, it's okay.

I'll buy another one after today and then I'll wear him. He goes, well, you can't wear those on the floor. Like, you have to be in uniform. And I'm like, well, I don't have any. He's like, don't worry. I have some. And you're probably wondering, didn't she say it was a man?

Yeah, I did. And he went and got his backup cargo shorts, which turned out to be another man who served there. They were his shorts. Why they were at the restaurant? I don't know. Not sisterhood of the traveling cargo. I'm like, these are the community cargoes. So he told me to put them on.

Yeah, he told me to put them on. He's like, you can't serve unless you put these on. I put them on. They're men's cargo shorts. I'm not a man, obviously. So they're like tight as fuck on my fupa and my fucking stomach. And then they're like literally skin tight on the thighs

and then they bell bottom right here. So I look like the world's worst Safari Park Ranger. And I'm like, you got me looking fucked and I literally have a big ass camel toe and a wedgie. You got a cow a mous knuckle too. All of a sudden,

the mouss knuckle comes with the cargoes apparently. And I was like, I can't wear these. Like I was literally like in tears because I'm like, this is the fuggliest I've ever looked. And I told them, I'm like, can I please put on my other shorts? He was like, no. So I served all night in those.

And I know you did. And I had such bad chub rub. And my legs weren't even touching. And that's really, and that's from the shorts, literally just chafing away. And then I thought to myself, yeah, I'm not going to last year after that day. And I got fired. Uh-oh. What?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hold on. Hold the bone. I only served there for probably like two-ish months. And then like one day I came in and he told me, oh, so I, I have shifts for you for a Christmas break.

And I'm not, obviously, didn't live in Hawaii. Like, I was going home. I was like, no, I told you I'm going home for the holidays. And he was like, well, if you want to move up in the restaurant industry, stop right there. I don't. Pause. Hey, I don't. Like, you made me look like a safari worker on my first day.

I don't want to work here forever. You out of your fucking mind. And so I was like, yeah, no, I told you I can only do part time. I'm doing my three shifts a week. And he was like, oh, okay. Next time I came in to serve. He had me trained somebody like a man. And he's like, oh, I need you to train this guy.

he's going to work the shifts that you don't pick up. I'm like, okay. Mind you, this guy, he's tweaking. Like, the minute I meet him, he's like, you know what I'm saying? Josh Peck from that one episode of during your time. Yeah, he's literally like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot. And I was like, okay. And he kept, he left, I'm not kidding, at least 20 times during the shift to go do meth in the bathroom.

Like literally, I can hear him. I followed him over there once to like listen and I heard it like, please, please. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Stop. No, for real, I was like,

like, like, the start of a Lil Wayne song. No, that is crazy. Blot blowing. Yeah, literally.

Work is hard. You should be allowed to do meth at work. That's real. Legalize it. After the shift, my manager's like, oh, can I talk to you outside?

I'm like, yeah, sure. And I figure it's about the guy. And I'm like, hey, he's doing meth. I don't think he's the guy. My gut tells me meth is a big no. He's not our guy. Yeah, I'm like, okay, I do have a lot of notes.

And he goes, yeah, I'm moving you off your shifts and I'm putting you on call exclusively and you no longer work here. That's like literally what he told me. And I was like, type shit. I was like, oh, okay, well, did you want to hear about the meth guy? No, okay. He said, if I'm going down, everyone's going down with me. Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, well, all right.

And I just like went, got my shit and left. And then I called Jason and I was like, call here at the bus. I'm sitting at the bus stop across the street, by the way. So they're all watching me as I'm sitting there and tears in my eyes. And I'm calling my sister and she's fucked up going home from a Demi Lovato concert. What's going on? And then I was like, dude, I think. Like, I've literally like, tears.

In the background, it's like, give you heart and break. She's still there. She's in the bathroom with the stadium. Remember when she's saying heart attack at that cardiovascular event? What? She did that reason. No. She went to

like some sort of cardiovascular whatever event. She sang heart attack and then she couldn't believe people were mad. Mother bullet.

Mother bullet. Mother attack. I'm like, what the fuck were we even talking about? I was like, I remember when she sang that song cardiovascular event? Oh,

anyways, that's the story of how I got fired from my restaurant job. One time I worked at Golden Crowe, you could put in like time off request

in this little system. Yeah. This mean old guy ran the restaurant named Kevin. Kevin, fuck you bitch. I know you're watching, bitch. Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the pod.

Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got everything in the divorce. He was a huge comment, sexistee fan. He's watching, he's like, God damn it. He's at home with his mug. Catching straight. Kevin, eat a million dicks, you're a bitch. You know what you did, bitch. But I put it in a request saying I couldn't work.

There's one Friday night I couldn't work. Mind you, I'm 15. I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays. Who is it? The GC is 5. Well, they have an omelet bar that I had to set up. See, I always have to set shit up. I was prepped for the omelet bar.

I was fist deep in the basket robin's toilet cleaning that shit, cleaning all the vomit out of it. I put in a request that was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. It's literally like fucking Hillary Duff and Cinderella vibes. I'm like, I'm like, it's homecoming. Fucking diner girl. Do you have a Chad Michael Moray that popped into the story?

God, no. Well, don't care. We'll talk about it on camera. But. I was like, there's one Friday night I can't work, it's homecoming. Yeah. And I was like, so I can't work that night. I put in the request immediately get a phone call from Kevin.

And he goes, hi, I don't know if you have ever had a job before. Now, mind you, I am 15. So no, sir, I have not. At your big ass age. Actually, I haven't. Oh, no, actually, it's my first one. I'm shocked you couldn't tell. And he goes, you don't tell your bossman you can and can't work.

And I should have crying. And I was like, I'm up for a homecoming game. And did you win? Oh, what? No. No, but I, um, yeah, it was a tough time in my life.

That's fucking crazy. We're adults, bitch, it's y'all, you're 40. You're the supervisor. Like, you guys are the married couple. Oh, my shit. Where am I, age, I think. Oh, my God. Have you ever won homecoming king, queen, prom, queen?

I've won it all, honey. I've won it all, honey. at all. That's going to be a note for me. I would vote for both of you all for royalty. Oh, thanks. You know, I'm going to hear something funny. When I was in high school, they had this rule that like, because social media was like, I guess like, it was newish, right? It was emerging because I'm from colonial times. So like, you know, I was on the

covered wagon and Instagram wasn't. But you were in Edwardian times. When I was in her school, you had the printing press that just come out and Gutenberg was doing numbers. I literally remember the head of ASB, like the head of ASB, like the teacher or whatever, she was a bitch. But she literally would not let you campaign on social media. Like you could not tweet about it. You couldn't post on Instagram.

Like you literally couldn't do that because she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have social media. Which I found to be bullshit personally. But I remember when I was, I think I was a junior going to be a senior. So like Jason and Billy were both seniors at my high school at the time. I was like running for senior student council because I was trying to put it on my resume. I was like, yeah. So alike. Yeah.

But I was kind of like, what's the least amount of responsibility? Okay, I'll run for treasure. Like, that's how I decided. So I was like, charge of the money. I was like, what's the least amount of response? I was like, what's something I could get someone else to do for me? I still have the title. And so I literally was like, I'll do treasure.

And so they have like different stages of running for it. So like the first one was like, you just had to get on the ballot. it and then the second one, like them having fucking primaries. And then the second one was like the actual one. You had to go to Iowa and caucus. Exactly. Everyone in the gymnasium went to a corner. Yeah.

She's running red, of course. I'm like, I did go to the NRA, but that was unrelated. Yeah. The convention, but that was unrelated to my campaign. But anyways, it is relative to my politics, though. And so then when I was three of us, I completely fucking forgot. Like, I completely forgot that we were having the primary vote or whatever. So I just started telling people.

I was like, hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today. And I was like up against, I think, a cheerleader and one other kid that was like, he was a big ASB kid. And I was, only two of us could make it. And so I think that cheerleader was pretty confident she was going to beat me because she had all these fancy ass posters and everything everywhere. And I was like, I was just like word of mouth to be like, hey, if you're voting, make sure you vote for me.

And so I just started doing that. But I didn't realize at the time that Dason and Billy were both telling people to go vote for me too. And like, obviously, you've seen Billy. He looked like that in high school. So, yeah, a lot of people are going to listen to him. It's actually not true. He looked like a Mexican joke.

brother. I've seen the photos. I don't care when he looked like. I've seen him now. And if he came up to me in high school and said, vote for, vote for this girl for a president. I'd be like, no worries. Actually, it's no worries.

I mean, whatever you want. Yeah, six, two in high school. What the fuck is that? Yeah. No, I'm good. Anyways. See you, bitch. And I remember he was helping campaign for me and I made it onto the ballot.

And then the for real one started. And I remember he tweeted about me at the, like, final thing. And he was like, hey, everyone, make sure you go vote for Drew. And then I literally called him. And I was like, that fucking tweet. You're going to get me fucking disqualified.

Like I literally was so mad at him because he tweeted that shit. When he was trying to ride for his woman. Oh yeah. Before I was his woman that was when I was like,

you know what I mean? I was in a real one of those phases with him. Yeah. I was really annoyed with him all the time. We've been through that many times. Yeah. You with Caleb?

Yes. Oh God. Have we ever? That's pretty pretty privilege. Well, this one, this one. My goofy y'all? This. My crazy y'all?

This silly, silly one right here. The way she finally bagged me was, I had told her no for two years straight. I said, no, no, no. I said, get away. I'm not interested. I'm not interested. And she came up behind.

I'm going to cry because this is okay. She came up, I was getting in my car. I was in a parking garage. I was getting in my car. She came up behind me and put chloroform over my face. It works. It works. And I passed out and I came to in her house.

And she said, you're going to be my man or else. And we have been together ever since. 13 years. 13 years. And two. beautiful children. That I do not care for. That is all.

She doesn't. She really doesn't. She really doesn't. And I am just picking up the slack and I'm happy to do it. And we share a beautiful Toyota Camry. Serious question for both of you. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you when you were like in high school? Oh, God.

Something that like altered the trajectory of your path. Oh, I asked a young gentleman to prom and he said no. What? Yeah. Yeah. In what way? Like he just went, no. In a way that was very.

very visceral and impassioned, you know? Really? And I texted him. I got his, that should have been my number one sign. This was not a young gentleman that I had his phone number previously. Okay.

I got it from someone. And I texted him and I was like, his name was Aj. Okay, he was a young Indian man. Okay. And I texted him and I said, Aj, you know, you and me have something special. Do you want to go to prom together?

And he hit me back with a, you know, I don't look at you like that. No. No. No. No would have been good. you could, I mean, just, uh, uh, uh, I know it would have been okay.

You said, you said, Audrey, I felt some between us. He said, time out trick. Pause. Back to the swamp. No, he said, that's about to hurt my feeling. Yeah. He said, that's really mean. That's really mean.

That's really mean. That's mean. That's mean. That's really fucked up that you would say that to me. Yeah, that was like truly like I cried that night and I was like, I could, then I had to laugh because I was like, that's actually so mean and's hilarious. Him being like, you know I don't see you like that. I don't see you like that.

I did not. I'm finding out right now, so no. This is news to me. That's probably going to be number one. That's going to be high up there. High school, boy, was really good for me. Nothing comes to mine. Yeah, I mean, I'm really, like, sorry,

I want to have a sad story like yours, but it was a pretty charmed life for me. Bewitched. I have one from middle school, though, that comes to my mind constant. Sometimes when I'm just walking down the street in the middle of a busy day, I'll go, oh, that happened.

Brings you to your knees. I have one like that too from middle school. I wanted to be more outgoing at school. That was something I was working on. Because at the time I was really, I wasn't ever shy, but I was like, I just wasn't, I hadn't figured myself out yet, you know. And it was like, probably eighth grade. And there was this student council meeting that was going on and all the cool kids

were going to be in there. And it was in Miss Munsterman's class. Shout out Joy Munsterman. I hope you're happy girl. I'm so sorry I'm not Christian anymore, but my love to you. And I am gay. And I'm gay. And I don't think she would care about that.

She's pretty cool. Period. Well, I don't want to get into it. But she, it was a pajama day. Okay. And so I was wearing sleep pants like everyone was. And I, um, I pulled, I was like, oh, you don't be funny if I pulled my sleep pants up real high. The classic bed.

And I was like weird and I was like, so I was like, everyone will laugh at this. And so I walked into the room. My sleep pants pulled up all high and I was like, you don't do, do you know, doing that. And everyone did laugh. But everyone, and I, so since everyone laughed, I kept doing it the rest of the day. And finally, one of the cool. kids like two hours later came over to me and he was like he was like hey uh the bit you're doing with your pants like I know people are laughing but it's actually mean because we're getting like

a really visible outline of your ball sack and also your asshole and like your pants are so high up that like your balls are on like crazy display and also your dick print is like really pronounced and no one wants to tell you it's actually really fucking gross so go ahead and put that away from and I literally he's talking back in the whole story he's telling me this way in the hallway the pants are up. And I'm just standing there receiving it. And he tells me all of it. He goes, he goes, I want to tell you.

And I go, thank you, Cooper. I kind of, during the conversation, they just kind of scooted the pants down. And then I thought I could trust Cooper. And then, there's more? So then two months later, well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good. And so I thought I could trust him. And so two months later at an assembly, I was sitting by him.

I was like, okay, I know how I can be really popular, is if I just figure out what Cologne Cooper wears. and he'll probably tell me because he was so cool to me about the pants. That's my boy. It was cool about the Natsack thing. He was so chill about my moose uncle. You were so chill about it. That's fucking Ohana.

That's fucking familiar right there. That's familial. That's finclia. That's gang. That's fam. That's gang, that's fam. And so I said, Cooper, I said Cooper, I said, Cooper, what clone do you wear? And he said, oh, it's just like, I don't know my mom gets it for me.

And I go, I go, oh, yeah, but like, what is? And he goes, I really don't know my mom gets it for me. for me. And during this whole assembly, I just keep every time I get a chance being like, Cooper, do you even know, like, what the bottle looks like, you know? But I'm trying to play it cool. So I'm like, yeah, I almost wonder what the shape the bottle. And he's like, oh, yeah, I don't remember, man. And, like, literally, I'm being so persistent. Because I don't know. I think I'm being coy, you know. And then finally I go, I need to know what clone you are. And you're going to fucking tell me. Now. And he goes, he goes, if I tell you, will you just

stop talking to me. And I go, and I go, and I go, yeah. And he did, and it was lucky you. It was lucky you, clone for men. And that night when I got home, I was like, mom, you have to get me lucky you cologne. No, it really was like, scenic the way it played out.

Like he would be talking to other people, he'd be like talking to the boys and like cutting up and then there was a moment of silence, I'd be like, anyway, Coup. To repeat because he can't, there, It gets a little loud. Cooper. Cooper. Cooper.

No, like I was saying, speaking of smells. You guys are fucking, no, you guys are so funny. Cooper, what color is the box it comes in? What places does your mom shop regularly? Which, like, department store would you say, like, if I'm getting, if I listen to some, would you say hot or cold or like? Yeah, text your mom. Cooper, what are the top notes?

You get me sort of like middle, is it like a musk, amber? I'm going to come over. What if I come over after school? dude, you can show me what the bottle is. He's like, God damn, man. Interpreting all of that as friendship. By the way, what I know now is he didn't want to tell me the clone because he didn't want to be clone brothers

with me. He didn't want me running around smelling like him because that lowers his stock value. That is real. That is real. He didn't want me on the rise. He was gay, he was the original gaykeeper. He said, you're fat, gay ass. It's not going to bring down my stock value. You smell like that fat gay kid. Smell like sleep pants.

That's my nickname. Why do you smell like Ballsack Sleeppants kid? You smell like that kid that was hanging brain and homeroom. I did when I found out was go get a bottle, honey.

He just didn't stop. You were like, no, but for real, for real. For real, though. Like, let's get real. You can't give a mouse a cookie. He gave me one kindness.

He gave me one kindness. No, because you give a mouse cookie and he's going to Macy's after sweet. He goes back up. Lucky you. He said, hey man, everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack and I say,

you're family. Your blood to me, pimp. He was home and talk shit. I have no way of knowing because I never checked back in, but I can almost guarantee you he switched clones. Call Cooper the way you just called your mom. Get Kupon Skype? Fans listening at home, do the over and under on whether or not me and Cooper are still in touch.

Everyone runs some bets. I'll let you know. You pulling up your pants for a bit? Just dancing around. I will say, as a fellow fatty, previously. There was something very, I call it the Chris Farley bit.

It's the funny of like, you know, you pull up your, tuck it under your boo. Drill, truffle, vibe, yeah. I mean, it's the classic like Chippendale's Chris Farley skit of like they just love to see that sort of, it'll kill every time until it doesn't.

Oh yeah. Until Coop has to get real with you in the hallway. That it's not that great anymore. Until he does a one-on-one in the hallway. He's like, hey, can I talk to you outside for a second? Performance review. Yeah, until I've got Coop up against a wall with a knife.

to his neck asking him what the fucking cologne is. What's the cologne, brother? No, seriously. Hey, you're a little, but I fucking had it with the game. He said, will you leave me alone? And you said, yeah. Because I had a, I said, I know how I'm getting ahead. Give me the formioli.

In high school, what were you in? Student council and what else? Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty much figured out how to be what people wanted me to be. So things were going better. I wasn't having many Cooper interactions anymore. Oh, this was middle school. This was middle school. So I leveled it out by high school. High school was pretty fine. I was in everything. I was in like

FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council. You were not in FFA? Maybe I was creed speaking, soil steam and cattle team. I judge cattle in high school. We've talked about this actually. I didn't know this guy. I judged cattle in high school. Yes, I did. He's a real agrarian. I'm in agrarian. It sounds like it. Yeah. I joined because I had a public speaking. They had creed speaking. And I wanted to do, I was like, I was like, watch

me body the fuck out of that. Creed, you're just singing, Creed. Can you take me higher? Creed the smell. Can you take me here? No, but I want to do the creed speaking, but you had to be on three teams. That was the rule. And so they put me on Soils team, which I was pretty promptly kicked off of. I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt, and every time I was like, oh. But you were so familiar with it as a child,

apparently. Blue collar. That was when he was blue collar, though. You guys aren't keeping up with my war. You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me, because this shit is too white for me. I don't know what any of that means. That's like redneck shit. like southern shit. Yeah. And it's like at your high school?

Yeah. That's crazy. Y'all tread lightly, but yes. We had FFA and it was I mean, we never saw them. It was like they went to a different school. They're in the act building, yes. They're in the act building and the portables.

Do you have portables? Yes. Yeah. They said get them the fuck out of here. They smell like swine. Yeah. We had our prom in a hog sale building. We had our prom in a hog barn.

And they were like, don't worry, they're going to sweep it out. And I was like, they're going to sweep it out. Well, thank God I was worried about them not sweeping it out. I was like, there's hog shit in the construction of the place. It's in the essence of the building. And you know what? Asbestos and hog shit.

Egg on my face, it was a beautiful dance. My junior year of prom, that's when I said no to Billy, but I went with a Mormon dude and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life. Could you describe the ambience? What music was playing? Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown? Oh, yeah, no, I had a full length, like sleeveless, lots of tool on the bottom.

It was like an aqua turquoisey blue. You curved Billy for a Mormon. Yeah, fuck me, honestly. Call me, brother. You've been put through too much by this woman. It's funny too because he actually texts Dason and was like, hey, do you think Drew would go to prom with me? And he's like, please don't tell her. And then she goes, oh my God, dude, guess who just text me?

Tells me immediately, like minutes after. Queen. And I was like, I can't. like at the time, there was drama at the time, but he had broken up with a girl who was friends with me and I was like, I just didn't want the drums. Yeah. And so I was trying to be a good friend. Girls girl. Yeah. From the beginning. Oh, mind you. Always. Yeah. And then I was like, I can't do that. Even though they had been broken up for like two years, I was just like, she's my friend and I think, you know, whatever. And so that was a big L on my part, to be honest. Because she literally said,

she said no. She said, she said no. She said, it's actually no worries. And then he ended up going with somebody else and then I went with the Mormon and I had the worst night of my life. So the eggs on my face, honestly. Yeah. Can't have caffeine or anything. Can't win them all. The Mormon part of him was honestly the least of his worries. Like he was just the most off-putting person I've ever met in my entire fucking life.

And I say this to this day. If I ever meet him, I'm putting it on his back, bitch, and not in a good way. Not in the way he wants. No, I'm beating the shit out of him is what I'm saying. TK.O. He's the fucking worst. Like he, it's funny too because when we first met each other, like because we barely knew each other too on top of that.

So when we met and we were talking. he's like what's your type and I'm like I like someone nice and funny like say something real general I'm like what about you he goes I like short white girls with glasses now I don't know if you know anything about what I look like Caleb Cooper probably and I was like I like short white girls with glasses no game at all oh I like short white girls with glasses and that was the girlfriend he had right and he broke up with her to go to prom with me and then after he went to prom with me he went and got back with her the man that lied to him

don't even have glasses. Yeah, no shit, girl. I actually do wear glasses too, because I'm blind as fuck, but, like, I purposely didn't wear them because I didn't want him to think that I was wearing them for him. So I was just blind all weekend.

I was like, like, we just fucking Daphne's head ass, like, walking around. His version of this story is, yeah, I tried to take this girl on a date and she fucking couldn't see. It was so weird. She was like, I was helping her across the street. She asked for the menu in Braille.

And then she kept pulling up her pajama pants and dancing around, like it was a bit. It was scary. She had balls? I don't know. All of a sudden, I saw an imprint. I don't know.

It was a whole thing. I don't know. It was weird. It was a problem. And it's funny because he brought a friend from my sister. And he was like, oh, I'm going to bring one of the two guys that I had already met.

Wait, you went senior. Are you talking about senior year? This was my junior year, her senior year. You took him. Yeah, I took him. Oh, okay, got it. But he was like,

I'll bring a friend and then we can go like with your sister. I'm like, okay, cool. And the two guys that he had with him that I had already met were like, this guy was like, He was someone, too, the guy that I went with. The other two guys, one of them was like Hawaiian. One was like Tongan. They were both good-looking dudes.

All three of them were really good-looking. And so I was like, okay, yeah, either one, sure, whichever one is available. And he's like, okay, he picks one. He's like, I'm going to bring him. Can't come. Then the other guy, he's like, I'm going to bring him, he can't come. He's like, don't worry, I have another friend, but won't send me a picture. I'm like, oh, I'm like, I need to, well, can you send me a picture?

He goes, well, I'll look for one. And then when they're on the way to, like, our house. It's hard to get a picture of him because he maintains a bell tower in Notre Dame. He's really booked, honestly. He's busy as hell. He's busy as hell. He's up there. He's actually guarding the gates of Tartarus, so he's a little, he's a little busy.

He's a little busy. Girl, he shows up. I'm not kidding. He looked 40. Like, he was bald, white guy, but he looked. He was in high school? Yeah, girl. And he looked at him.

He left. That's his art. And then literally he tasted. ghost when he went to the phone. First of all, ditches him the whole night. But then she goes like, yeah, he fucking brought a substitute teacher for me. And like, he goes on a true.

That shit is so real, dude. She's like, oh, yeah, I'm a lesbian. Like, it's just the way that she was like, oh, yeah, I'm gay. Wait, that is disrespectful. This will never happen to me again. You guys are never doing this shit to me again. But I'll say the worst part of the whole night. Well, my dance was like,

I don't know, like, Southern California dance. Maybe it's just exclusive to my high school, but like the way that they dance is crazy. Like this is the year where like, don't drop that tantara came out, A ladies, right? Hey, TBT. All of that. And so, you know, people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird. I knew he was Mormon. He had told me every dance he had been to. They had a live band. So I'm assuming they didn't play that shit over in St. George, Utah. So I literally told him I'm like, like, it's sweet Caroline. Enough. Not sweet Caroline. It's like that proud to be an American song. That's my song Light on that, light on that I didn't know we were talking politics

And I'm proud to be an American Where at least that I'm proudly stand Up That song fucks dude Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous bitch And like I told I warned him

I said hey My school doesn't get down like that So like just be prepared What you see when you go in there I don't want you to freak out When he sees people grinding He's like like we're in a haunted house.

But then he kind of like calms down a little bit. So I'm like, hey, do you want to dance? And he's like, we are dancing, but we're like standing next to each other. I'm like, no, like, do you want to dance together? Like, it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever. And he was like, no. Like, instantly disgusted with me. And then he goes, that goes against God.

That's what he said to me. And I was like, mind you, it's a Saturday. So then I go, well, I mean, you could ask for forgiveness tomorrow. I'm thinking it's funny. Right. And then he goes, that. That's not funny. And then he walks away from me.

Oh, no. And since that's not. No. No, that's not. Well, I was like, well, that's what I was saying. I just immediately go, Dase, why would you say that? That's fucked up. Jesus, that's really vicking mean.

Seriously. You know he's a Mormon. So then that made it awkward for a little. And then once he kind of comes back around again, he stops being weird. And then is-ish. And then we're outside. He's kind of vibing a little bit. He's like being a little nicer, like a little more touchy, whatever the fuck to me.

I'm like, okay, maybe he's kind of, calming the fuck down. And then his buddy, you know, the substitute teacher, he was like, hey, you should show them your favorite dance move, right? And he goes, oh, yeah, I have the best dance move ever. Stands up, I'm not kidding. He's like, well, it's two parts, right? The first part, you're unscrewing a light bulb, right, Mormon.

And he's like, the second, the other hand you use and you pretend that you're shoving a dildo up your ass. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. This is the same. who told me I was a fucking horror for wanting to dance with him. What? And then he starts pretending.

I'm not kidding. He's literally doing this. And he's like shoving the dildo up his butt metaphorically of course. The greatest freak out ever. Direct TV remote. Up the ass, girl. And he's literally going like this and he's like shoving. And he's like laughing.

And the way guttural shock and horror. The way me and Jason are like, oh! Like we're watching and we're like. And then I'm not kidding. Jason was like. the whole time and then I go I have to go to the bathroom

and I went to the bathroom days would follow me and I was crying I was like I'm like so good I'm like screaming he can probably hear me by the way

meanwhile cut you in the rafters Billy's up there just he's like get what you pay for he gives him $100 he's like did you show her the dildo part

I'm good you did the dildo that's okay make sure she'll love it you should do it he's thumbing off hundreds He's like, you could have gone farther with the dildo thing. There's good stuff.

He leaned a little too heavy into the light bulb and not enough until the dildo. The light bulb was such a classic Christian, like, wholesome. Like, he, that's a mixture of those two. He was like, yeah, so basically you have a shopping cart with one hand. And you're shopping, pick and stuff out. And they're getting sloppy from a bad man. It's like, what the fuck? The fucking hard left.

Like, I was like, oh, no, no. Then I become religious. He's doing the adult thing. He's like, who's Mormon now, bitch? He's like, you want to ask for forgiveness for this? Yeah, that's what I thought. I got this.

The way it was so like cash to them, I was like, yo. Horror. It's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize. No, girl, the homoeroticism is just out of control. No one loves men more than men. Seriously. It's like primates, girl.

It is. To me some point. shoving. And then they're going, it's like you're picking bugs with one hand and then you're shoving a dildo up your butt with the other. And then he literally said dildo. And I'm like, you said freaking and grinding

was against God, but you know what a dildo is? Nasty work. You won't hit the dougie with me on the fourth floor but we're doing light. The cat daddy's too far, but shoving a fake penis up your butt is not. The Cupid shuffle is of the devil. Dildo up the ass.

Well, that's different because it's a joke. A dildo is just crashed into the butt. been a gun. A doldose just hit the cockagone. Shit, that's funny. Like, I feel like the embarrassment kind of stopped in high school. Like, college I was like, I'm actually the coolest. Yeah, same. Like, I really came into my own in college. Yeah, same. What about you, Caleb?

Yeah. You're all kind of been that girl from. There's the Cooper situation, and then high school, I was just, like, a total, like, high school I was just, like, uptight. I think... Actually, you know what? I did a show in D.C. last, like, two weeks ago, and a very good friend of mine from high school, came to me. I do a whole story about how uptight I was as a teenager. Yeah. And how I thought I was a little, I think, I look back down and I go, that kid's a loser.

Like, if I had a kid in the act in high school, I'd be like, God, fucking shut up, you know. We need to get him some pussy. Yeah, God, get this kid late so he'll shut the fuck up. He's 16. I was getting pussy. And, um, hey. I just didn't want it. It was light work, yeah. It was giving me the heibi jibis, but I was in there. Yep, yep. I was in there. And, um, my friend was like, I think you're, I don't think you're very, I don't, I liked who you were in high school. I don't think you're being very nice to that person. And I'm like, I don't know. I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

Yeah. I think we both needed to be more honest with ourselves. Yeah. Cool came like in my 20s. I got cool. I feel that. I think the shift though was, I don't know if any of us have talked about this.

The shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, when I was younger, I was always waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me. Like what interest or what clothes or what group of friends would make me cool. Totally. And the shift in my 20s, my early 20s that made me actually feel cool was going nothing brings me coolness I bring coolness to everything else. What I like, people I hang out with, what I wear, what I listen to, it's cool because I'm there. Period.

I'm not cool because it's here. Yeah, like the confidence is what speaks louder than anything. So like you could like or hate anything and you could still make friends who like or love the same things. Yeah. But it's just like you being confident in who you are. If you don't like it, fuck you. What I like is cool. And so you're not cool if you don't like it.

And that shift was like really, it was yeah, not just looking for someone to be like, I wanted people to tell me that was cool. And then when you just go, oh, I don't care about that. As soon as you stop caring, it's like it just flocks to you almost, like friends and community and all that. I think it's also like, what does cool mean? Like, I would much rather have a genuine time where I'm peeing my pants with people that like aren't cool.

I mean, you know, by whatever measure. It doesn't. Because you guys make me off so hard, but you guys are not, I don't think. It's not cool. We're not cool. We're not cool. Yeah. At least we smell good, though.

At least me smell good. That fat cake. You smell like that fat cake. kind of God, I hate it shit He smells just like you now Can't work it anymore

When I got to college I found like my like bestie besties Like my like the people I'm still friends with to this day And I was just telling Billy this the other day I'm like I realized to especially in writing my book I realized that like when I Such a slay thing this day And when I was publishing my book

I was like writing my very first book That will be published it is published now You just threw that away like a Truman I love, that's my favorite thing about old Truman Capote interview, he'd be like, I was at dinner with, um, oh, I think it was Marilyn Monroe. He just fucking tosses it away like just nothing. When I was writing, yeah, when I was writing my first book, I love it. I was so good.

I love it. As I was like writing, like unpacking a lot of stuff I did in college, I was like, I realized that my best friends at the time, all women, right? I had a couple guy friends that I was really close to, too, but like, I had a couple I had never met a group of women before outside of my own family, like my mom and sister, that were so confident in who they were in all aspects, like being smart, being funny,

being like, I don't know, like, confident about what they looked like and also who they were as people, but also women who were so confident in their sexual autonomy. Like I had never had friends like that before, like women who were so like, yeah, I fucked him and it sucked. Don't do that. It was so cash to them.

Then I was like, period. Because I'd never hung out with women who were so cash about stuff. It was always so like, oh, like, dating, like, you know when you're in high school. It's like the way it's perceived is so different. And the religious lens as well. Totally. It's just like, it's so much more serious than, you know.

And they were so cashed about everything. And like, so a couple of my friends were raised religious and weren't at all. And one of my friends, like, to this day, like, she, the first time I met her, like, we were talking about dating or whatever. She was like, oh, I was a big whore in high school. I fucked everybody. And I was like, oh, did you? She's like, yeah, men, women, everyone.

With your friend, Kate Petrus? Slater. She's my friend now. She's like, yeah, everyone. But yeah, she was just so like, whatever, about it. Period. Period.

Bitch. That's my fucking girl. I love that. She's still my friend to this day. Oh, I love that. I love when we become, like, real adults, and then they're like, I don't remember saying that. I do.

I remember. I remember you saying that. Verbatum. Change me as a woman. I remember. I remember. Everything. I'm here.

I'm in it. dating in college was a mess. You have the memory of an elephant. I do. I remember everything. We would go out and get fucked up. Like, I was the only one that would remember every single thing.

You're skating it like a matrix? Yeah, the next morning. I'm downloading all the information. The next morning, they'd be like, well, everyone, like, let's get together. Like, someone wake you up so we can remember what happened. Because a lot of my friends would black out. I never blacked out.

I think I blacked out once. One time. It was the very last time, like one of the last times I drank tequila because I like couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. The way used to drink in high school, can't do it now. I did not drink in high school.

Or not high school, sorry, college. College. I couldn't do it. Every time I'm like, I'll tell Drew a story and then I'll, I'll, like, because it'll be fresh in my mind and I'll say it. And then it'll be like a month ago by. And she's like, remember when you said this? And I'm like, oh, yeah, you do.

And then I'll paraphrase it. She's like, no, you said this. And I'm like, probably that's what happened. That's why I remembered everything that happened when we met Beyonce. Oh, thank God for you. I black out a lot. It sucks. It really does suck because of liquor and.

not liquor. And just adrenaline, I guess. The testosterone pumping through my fucking body. You know what I mean? Did you have a fun time partying in college, Caleb? No, I d-ded. Did you really? Yeah, I was a d-d for my fraternity. Lusory. You were in a fraternity? Yeah, all four years. What? Really? Yeah, you know. That's shocking to me. Well, I thought I was going to go to law school. My whole plan going to college was to go to law school. I had that sort of mental breakdown as well. Oh, yeah. And it was a long one. I went, that was all of high school and first year or two of college. Do you do Monttrial? We didn't

have it. Fuck. Do you model you in? We didn't have it. Baby, I didn't go to a good school. I think that's part of missing. You were working the fetal, bitch.

Why do you guys in FFA? They had me judging cattle, bitch. You were not arguing the defense. Yeah, honey, we didn't have speech and debate. I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie its feet together. Type, type beat. Type shit. Yeah, shearing animals.

Literally and literally, I was picking up dirt and going good for corn. Crazy. Crazy. I went to that for like a year and they're like, get your gay ass out of the year. I was like, Harvest will be good this year.

Shut the fuck up. Shut your bitch ass. Yeah. I was not a big partier in college. No. I was dating in college for both of you. I didn't date in college. No one wanted me.

I fucked. I was fucking in college. No one wanted to date me. I remember texting one of my hookups who I was so in love with and I was like, do you want to get breakfast in the morning? And he was like, busy. Oh.

God, need him medically. It always made it worse. I was like, he's rejecting me. I think he's the one. Yeah. I just need to try a little horror. I was fucking a lot of guys in college who, if they were saw with me, if they were seen with me in daylight, we would both evaporate.

Yeah. I was having a lot of hookups where it was like, you know, I would see him on campus and be like, oh, what's up? And he'd be like, you know. You know, it was not good. Are you lost? That guy's talking to you, by the way. Yeah. I think he's trying to get home.

You smell like that fat gay guy. It's Cooper. Coop? Coop? Good to see you. Hey, baby. Once I was, I was kind of dating this guy, and he told me to meet him at the club, romantic. And so I go, and you know, you're doing that broke bitch shit where you're like,

God, I'm so thirsty. God, I wish I had a drink. God, so thirsty, it's so hot in here. And then normally it works, but then when he's like, I'm not buying drinks here, they're too fucking expensive. And then I was like, okay, brokey, even though I had no money. Then I go up and I buy myself the one drink I can afford. Ice in a cup.

Yeah, I was like, can you just put marasino cherries in a cup and pretend? Soda water, don't charge me. So I got one drink and then I turned around and I'm going back to my friends and he goes, hey, do you want to hook me up? And I was like, with what? And he brought his own red solo cup into the club. He had it crushed in the waistband of his pants, took it out, punched it out like that.

And then, hey, I'm not kidding. And men wonder why they don't deserve a house. They wonder why I fucking hate them. Going splits bill on one vodka crann. I hate when you tell that story about Billy because he has turned out he's turned out to be such a great one. And that's what I get for saying no to him at prom.

Yeah. I have never seen broker shit in my fucking life. I was like, are you being dead ass? Like you want me to split my drink in that dirty solo cup? You want me to smoke you out with this vodka soda? For real, fuck. It's got gooch stench in it

because it was in the fucking, line of his pen. There's like a little crack in the side of it because he folded it up to put it in. Hold it with a finger right on the side. He's got to plug it. Plug the hole.

Got the thumb running up the side holding the crack. I was just thinking last night, I went on a date last night and I had such a good time and I was thinking, why didn't I date more in my early 20s? Because I was in Chicago.

I was like, I mean, and I was like, oh, you were fucking broke, bitch. I had no money at all. That's expensive. I was overdrafting my bank account on like ramen noodles. It's like you didn't go on dates because you were broke, honey.

Yeah. Right after college? Oh my god. All throughout college I was fucking broke. Like even when I had jobs I still felt like I was broke because I was like barely making rent and all that. I had a coming to God moment after college where I was more broke than I'd ever been

because in college, honey, I was maxing those loans. I was loan maxing. Whatever they would give me. FAPSA maxing. I'd call it. I'm FAPSA maxing. I would say, throw an extra $5,000 on there. I'll be wanting to go out to eat. I was just put on

When those Don't worry, I'm good for it Oh, baby And I'm not having paid them back to this day I'm refusing I'm refusing. Defaults I know they're going to get paid off

the week after I pay them on 100% I'm not doing it Me holding out I'm holding out Joseph Robinette Biden I know you watch this Forgive them

Joey B Joey B hook me up Yeah I can't But I was so broke And then yeah After college I was more broke than then

Because there were no more Student loans coming in You know what I do miss about college bars because it felt expensive but going oh my god if i we could go back yeah like a vodka crambing four dollars and girl i know literally i'm like and close it and close it and close it close it close it up done up there's a water fountain around here show i'll just drink in the fucking faucet in the bathroom that's how you get fucked up before you go yep get one drink sip and nurse the whole night ever clear gatorade dude dude the very first drink i ever got fucked up off was

gin, but we didn't know what to mix it with. So we tried to mix it with orange juice. Hey, don't. That's horrible. Yeah. And I, why gin? I'm like a 90, I'm in madmen. Like, why am I?

You got one of those spherical ice cubes. It's just one of the big ice keats. It's in my office. It's 2 p.m. on a Monday. Okay. That's why gin was the first time I ever got fucked up. We had a bar in college station called tipsy turtle. And we used to do pickle shots.

And you could do a normal pickle shot or a spicy one where they would do pickle juice, vodka, and then a shot of Tabasco in it, I would suck different bitsies down like it was water. I mean like six, seven, eight, tequila shots, yes. And then there was this other bar that would do. And again, this is like so not what a college student should be doing. Like drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance. Yeah, literally.

It was called a breakfast shot. Get into this. You start with, that's going to be an orange juice shot. Okay, it's like vodka and orange juice, mimosa. Yeah. And then you move on to a butterscotch pancake shot, which is just, I don't know, it was like... This is that night?

It's like a maple flavored liquor you take a shot of that, and then they give you a piece of bacon. You know what. And they throw it into your own. Yeah, then they make you go for it. I might need to get down to Texas. I'm telling you, bitch, breakfast shot, and that shit was like $8.

Dude, so our big move in high school was the... And I wasn't a huge drinker in high school, but I was definitely trying to, like, fit in. We would go get, like, ocean waters from Sonnet. Yep. Yep. We were half into an

empty cup and then we were pouring a bunch of UV blue vodka or like Malibu. Yeah. Malibu's real. Malibu's

Chernobyl in those fucking cups. Yep. Yep. So one thing, glowing. Like my junior or senior year of high school,

I will try to tell this story short because it's a little long. No, you're fine. My junior year of high school, it could have been senior year. Her dad moved,

he lived like 20 miles outside of our town and he moved to a new house so his house was empty for a while. Yeah. It was a big, huge,

like three-story house in the country. And we knew a bunch of kids from the other towns around where I grew up in very rural Missouri. And she was like, I'm going to throw a party. And we were like, okay. So she threw, we invited like all the kids from the other towns.

Yeah. And everyone converged on this house. And we threw this big. Me picturing like footloose. We can dance here, pa. They're dressed like it's from the 50s. Yeah, you're Kevin Bacon. Yo, last night was a fucking sock haul. So, we

through this big party and there was a huge smash hit. Next day everyone's texting wins the next one, right? Period. Now Project X had come out around this time. Oh, period. So we're like, okay, so we throw another one the next weekend. Yeah. Even bigger.

Smash hit. Everyone's having fun hooking up. Not me. Everyone's having fun. Not me. Everyone's having fun. I'm in the closet. So I'm doing bits on the corner.

Literally at one point I was... I'm pulling my pajama pants up again. Truly. All my friends are like making out with hot guys and at one point I set up a fortune-telling boo. And I was like, come over if y'all want your fortune's red. Tom Hanks and Big. Truly, like, so pathetic.

You're reading palms just to touch a man. I was like, truly. I was like, give it to me, you know, give me a hand. Rock art under the table. Truly, I'm like walking around asking if people need refills? I'm like, what is that guy? Which I still do at parties. Did that to all of you the other night?

You do. At my party. A host till you die. A host till I die. And so we had the second one. And then we did a big mistake and we went for a third on the third weekend. Damn. Should have quit while your head.

We should have quit. What we were ahead, honey, and we sure did not. And it was bigger than ever. And I'm talking like, we said get there at nine. We showed up at 845. There were already other cars there. So we're like, this is bad. It was the biggest one we had thrown.

And we, everybody's getting super drunk. I was getting super drunk that night because there was one guy in my high school that I was convinced was closeted. And I was like, tonight I'm back at him. And I eventually, well, anyway. Just to say, eventually. I'm always right. Let's just say I was right. But it wasn't that night.

And so that night I got super drunk on UV Blue and everyone took me up. Acid. Truly, yeah, battery acid. Everyone's so fucked up and we see sirens and the cops have been called. So now the cops are pulling up

and everyone hides and we turn off all the lights and we're like, they can't come in without a warrant. No one knows what they're talking about. And so it's fully, we are trespassing. Relaxed.

So we all hide and they don't come in and then I'm hiding under a pool table. So I'm under the pool table and they're shining flashlights in the windows and they're looking around and they can't see noise. Everyone's like up against the walls like this and they shine it under the pool.

table and it's just me. And he goes, you. And I go, and I... So I see your big ass, by the way. Yeah, there's not a pool table big enough in the world, honey. And I whisper, I'm like, is he talking to me? And he goes, under the pool table, out now. So I go, fuck guys, they got me.

So I go out, I go, don't worry, I'm going to go handle it. I go out there and it's the cops. My grandpa is a deputy sheriff. And so I'm nervous that he's going to be out there. He is not out there. And we're in his county. I go out there and it's this guy. This guy, he's being so intense, got a flash night in my face.

Like, what the fuck's going on? I tell him, and he goes, here's the deal. I'm feeling generous tonight. Go down there and get everyone who's sober, who's driving, put all the drunk people in the car, sober drive them home and never do this again. I'm not going to give any MIPs. My own possessions. And I was like, thank you so much.

But we, I found out, so I went to gather all the sober people to make sober driving happen. But during the time that they had busted me from under the pool table, we had a foreign exchange student from Mexico named Carolina. And we, for some reason, were convinced that she, she would get deported. And so if she got caught at this party, I don't know why. We're like, she'll get deported.

She's like, I'm literally, she's like, I'm the foreign exchange. She's like, I'm in the program. She's, yeah, she's not U.S. citizens. She's not trying to be. She, so we hid her in a broom closet. And she was in the broom closet. Well, no one remembered about her.

So we, so, like, 30 or 40, because I think one person thought they were going to grab Carolina, the other thought they were. And then we, we were so paranoid because we thought we got away with murder, you know? Yeah, yeah.

And so we're like, 30 minutes later, we're on the road home, on the highway home and Carolina calls us and she's like I am scared I'm scared who's coming to get me and she's in the house alone so we like circle back Carolina God bless you girl if you're out there I wish you the best so we go back and we're like nervous that the cops are still watching the house

so we like turn off our headlights and like creep down a gravel road this is the same day this is the same night okay yeah yeah it's like 30 45 minutes later she's been in the broom closet alone so my car we pull up we're pulling down with the lights off down this gravel road and we call her and we go run outside now and get in the trunk we're still convinced she can get deported so if we get pulled over we're like a gravel road away

and there's this huge yard between the house and us and we just see in the darkness Carolina just sprinting towards the car someone gets out opens the trunk she hops in and we drive her back that we drive her back in the trunk safe from deportation she got her out of there safe from a threat that didn't

wasn't gonna happen but hey fuck border patrol we said we said not today bitch fuck I see bitch yeah you know it's funny and when I was in college there was a right off campus called Tropics, and it was known for underage drink. Like, you could get in pretty easy. So, like, before I had a fake,

I would go in early. That way, when it started popping off, like, they wouldn't check me again. But then when they started doing sweeping for that shit, my friends would go and they would, like, get the stamp, and she would come right back to me and then press it to my hand. That's so smart.

And so women in STEM. Thank you. I love women in. And so one time she pressed it to me, and I walk in and he goes, why is it on that hand? Because everybody was on their left. And I was like, I don't know,

ask your guy, why he stamped my right hand. He goes, what guy? I go, he's somewhere in there. Do you mind if I go in there? My purse is in there, all my stuff. He's like, I'm going to go look for the guy who's allegedly stamped your head. I'm like, okay, yeah, sounds good.

You turns out. I just walked in. Period. Me thinking he can't see me. I'm the biggest bitch in there. I'm like, you're ahead. Like, Melman the giraffe, bitch. Behind everyone.

But there was this time we left and one of my girlfriends and I get fucked up. It was just so two of us like, who, like drinking all night. Oh, yeah. Drinks all night. Absolutely trash. This is not a good thing. But she said, I can drive home.

And I said, can you? And I lived, I didn't live too far. And she was like, no, I'm good, I'm good. And she looked good. And I thought she was good. So I was like, okay. So I got in the car with her, and we're giving two guys a ride home too.

And so she's driving. And this is not a good thing, but like drunk driving is pretty common in Hawaii. I don't know why. But like, it's probably because everything is so close. Not a good, not an excuse. I didn't do it. Anyways, we're driving away.

You go, don't do it, but we did it. We have a lot. Do as I say, not as I do. And so she starts pulling out, immediately pulled over, like immediately pulled over. And she's a local girl. Like, she's born and raised in Hawaii. Like, and HPD, like, they're really nice. Like, they're super nice to local people. So she pulls, they pull us over. The two guys in the back are athletes. So they're like, oh my God, oh my God. And I was like, are you guys fucking 21? And they're like, yeah, I'm like,

you're fine, relax, because we were all 21 at that point. And so I'm sitting in that passenger seat, but I'm immediately sober because I'm like, uh-oh. And then she's like, he goes, oh, have you been drinking? She's like, I only had a couple. And I was a couple hundred, but okay. Girl, you were drinking like a fish. I was like, you drank more than I did. Yeah, she's like, no, I only had a couple. He's like, okay, he takes her out. And then she takes her back there.

He starts giving her the test, like the walking in a line, like all that shit. I wasn't watching, but I'm assuming she failed miserably because then he breathalized her, right? And then she was like over the limit. But I didn't know what was going on. I'm just sitting there. And it looks like they're kind of like laughing, Kiki. I was on Instagram. Yeah, I was like, I was again drunk.

So I was just like staring out the window. And then she comes back. because she goes, and I go, oh, how's it going? Because she looks happy and, like, fine. She goes, okay, so I'm getting arrested. What I need you to do, take my car, drive it to your house so it doesn't get impounded, and then I'll get it from you tomorrow. I said, girl, are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm not doing that shit. She goes, I need you to take it so it doesn't get towed. Okay, love you. She goes, he puts the cops off her. That's her the fucking car. I was like, oh my God. Like, I was freaking out. I was like, okay, I got a call an Uber or something.

Like, I get out of the car. And so the police officer comes, and he's like, Have you been drinking? I go, yeah, I have been. I have been. I've been drinking, yeah. And then he was like, okay, well, I don't want to till the car. So, like, you know, if you want, like, you can drive it.

I said, what is this a test? So I get behind the wheel and then you pull me over? Nice try, buddy. Not today. Me still fucked up. Nice try. You're not going to fucking get me. You're not going to do it out of today.

Fucking bitch. Fucking pig. And I'm literally like, oh, no, no, no. Like, I'm not doing that. And he was like, it's not a test. Like, he's like, if you want, I can breathalize you. and if you're over it, then just call it a cab and go home. And I was like, okay.

So I got out, why? I don't know. I got out, walk over there. Mind you, I'm like, like, tits push up to my chest. Like, I'm literally in this, like, shortest shorts ever. Your fashion, noble fit. Yeah, I'm like, officer, nice to meet you. And then he breathalizes me.

Girl, I was 0.01. I said, I hold alcohol like a tank. And then I drove home, drove through the drive-thru of Taco Bell, picked up some food, went home. You and the homies in the best. Yeah, and then I called my mom when I got home. I said, you'll never guess what happened to me tonight. And the mom was like, yeah, those are your grandpa's jeans, like my, my grandpa.

Because he can hold liquor like a champ, bitch. Did you feel drunk, though? I thought I did. I mean, I think the adrenaline probably sobered me up more than anything. But I was like, he's like, oh, you're like not even drunk at all. And I was like, you're goddamn fucking right. You're not going on the wheel. You said, hey, thanks, player.

Hey, drop me up. Hey, right now. Free the homies. Free my girl What can I do to get my girl out of the back seat By the way She should be president She's like she's like bestie I'm getting arrested

Okay, so I'm getting arrested But here's what I need you to do Okay, lock in with me Need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed And I was like, what fucking do we? Can you hit me my lip glass? No the cops are like chilled They are arresting me

But they're like being very cool about it Yeah, they're really cool Yeah she came to my house the next morning She was on my door something next morning She was like yeah crazy night Yeah, one would say yeah She's like, yeah, last night was a misdemeanor Last night was a warning

Last night was a class A felony Last night was an MIP Well, anyways We've talked about literally everything Except the topic, which is great What was the topic? I didn't even get there We didn't need it

Literally when I text you yesterday girl What's the topic girl? Just kidding, never mind, we don't need one We don't need one Forget it Hey, forget about it That Cooper's story Is gonna stay with me

Forever That's same way Had Leah God bless him That's FAMO Right there's fan That's gang That's gang for real

That's mother Cooper is mother I put two pills in front of Cooper One's mother One's cunt So choose one He's both He popped both

He popped both He's off the perks There are two pills in front of you one's mother, one's cunt. Cooper, do you feel the rush? I'm like, Alexa, play rush by choice of arm. What are you wearing? That's poppers, babe.

Poppers, babe. Oh, wow. Shit. Well, thank you two comedy geniuses for coming on the pod again. I love y'all to goddamn death, and I'm serious. I love you both so much. I could not be more grateful for your friendship. I'm fucking same. Feeling is so mutual. Let's never work together again.

This was tough. We should. I feel bad for everyone in the room. It's an upsetting. They had to turn the air on for us. We were sweating. You put three big girls in a room and not have the fucking air on? Ten more minutes without that mini split running.

And it would have smelled like bedosian. You would have needed Coops Cologne, for sure. Not even that could have covered the stench. No, lucky you wouldn't touch what I got brewing. Butt-dust. Butt-pussy. Booty dick and pussy. Y'all aren't up?

Butt-pussy. Y'all aren't up. Well, that's, you know, my prom date knows all about that. metaphorical dildos up his bedozy. He's all up in his own. I know he's given some mousy girl hell in the bedroom. I know they waited until marriage and she didn't realize what she signed up for. He's like, please pick me, please.

I know some bitch in a cardigan goes through war every night. I'm sorry to say, if the temple's rocking, don't come and knock it. Car cardigan and some tivas. I know. I know he rips those capris off her. Hair down to her knee. serious. That Stanley is clinking around.

Damn. But thank you guys so much for coming on the show. I love y'all. Oh, love you. I love you guys. The best people in the world. Let's never do this again. Let's make a pact.

In 10 years, we'll all meet up right back here. Why is everybody laughing? The one. I'm going to shoot you dead when we finish, so you're not going to make it for 10 years. The one where they go on Brat TV. Wait, this is low-key our central purge. Where is Marcel the monkey? Dibs on fat, Monica.

I'll be fat, Joey, when he has that one scene where he's fat. Dibs on fat, Monica. I want to play that beefy bitch. Beefy bitch. I like to think I'm Monica or like Rachel or Phoebe, but I'm Gunther. Bitch, I'm David. Swimmer. Not even Ross.

For David Swimmer. I'm David Twimmer out of drag. Not my roster. Did you guys see the super cut of all the times? He said, juice during the age OJ movie. He said, he goes, he goes, your uncle juice is a good man. Juice, juice, juice.

Because they called OJ the Jews. Yeah, the juice. And there's a super cut of David Schwimmer's character and not saying it 15 million. It's so fucking fun. He's like, juice, juice, juice. It's like literally everything. You're David Schwimmer, but in Madagascar.

That's two Melman jokes you've made. Obviously comedy is my job. my calling and purpose in line. You got Madagascar around the brain. Last night was a Pixar animated feature. That's true. That's a DreamWorks feature, bitch. FR.

FR. My, whoa, okay. I'm sorry. I was very gracious to come in here. And be vulnerable with me. Somebody fly in my gun.

You're like, somebody fly in the mother gun. Thank you guys for coming on the pod. I adore you. I love y'all. I love it, y'all. Thank you all for joining us on this all-star episode. Where can everybody find you?

Please promote anything. I'm on tour, but the shows are all sold out. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry, guys. I'm on, Caleb says things on the internet. You can find me on there and listen to my new podcast, so true episodes with both of these two. Period.

Period. Period. Yeah, please get those views up because the ad suitability is, burs. Literally all my ad suitability on YouTube is like, just them being like, get a grip. I am Brittany Broski. I have a podcast called The Broski Report.

I have a show called Royal Court that this motherfucker's been on. We have got to get you on it, my brother. Yeah, a lot of talk. A lot of talk, not a lot of emails. Yeah, let's get those followers up. We'll revisit. Yeah, we'll say, when you get those followers up, we can have you on the show. Let's do it next quarter.

Let's see 100K. Come on, let's see 100K. Come on, let's see that plaque. Hang in there. Oh, my God. Yeah, please follow them on everything you probably already fucking do. But thank you all for joining us on this episode. Thank you for watching my brother and sister in Christ.

Look at us together. Seriously, y'all. The thumbnail? I think iPhones. Shooting up. Thank you guys so much for watching this episode. Don't forget new episodes are available every Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms.

Or you can watch the video exclusively and for free on our favorite platform. Platform Spotify. Thank you so much. I love you all. Thank you to Bridie and Caleb, the funniest people on the internet. And I'll see you next week. Bye!