The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - DOOMSDAY PREPPING Ft. Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

This week, it’s the one and only WHITNEY CUMMINGS!! Drew and Whitney talk about everything from red flag first date ideas to their zombie apocalypse plans. They cover the story of how Billy and Drew started dating, “fatherless behavior”, why working out is sexual, Whitney’s comprehensive list of advice for aspiring comedians, and so much more. Drew: linktr.ee/drewafualo Whitney: IG / TikTok For sponsorships/partnerships, email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and watch men beat the shit out of each other. You're like, you love watching men get beat up and make fun. What are you doing? Oh, but when I do it, it's so... It's just your pretty. Just tell me if you're pretty. You're in love with me. You're obsessed.

And hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your fave. Everybody knows me. Nobody gives a shit about me. Anyways, on to the amazing guest. Today, we have the hilarious, the talented, the iconic. Whitney Cummings

Welcome to the show Everybody cares about you I do Okay this is my I drove here So I hope But they I do think that people

Tune into other people's podcast with their guests To see what the guest brings out and the person they love Oh that's sweet Do you know what I'm saying They're not here for me right now You'd be surprised

Some people are like Hey go ahead and bring another guest on That I want to see I'm like okay Sorry I don't give a shit about me anymore girl Okay

love who I can bring. But just so you know, I am so awkward as a guest on podcast. So this will, let's just, let's get right into it. We'll get through it. We'll muscle through it together. I am very starstruck by you. Are you really? I am by you. I agree. I've loved, I've loved stand up for so, so, so, so long. And obviously you're a ledge in the game. And you're, you're literally someone I used to look forward to watching on the panels of roast like for celebrities. Yes. You were like one of my faves. Oh, gosh. Thank you. Oh my gosh. You would. So I brought the roast back to OnlyFans TV. There's no porn. There's no buttholes. Don't panic.

It was just like we did the roast. Sorry. Only fan. Yeah, I know. Sorry. And so you got to do one of them if we do another one. I'd be honored. We just did. We did one of me and we did one of Burke Kreischer. Oh, you've got to come on. That would be amazing. Like, what would be your dream celebrity to rest?

Ooh. I don't know. It has to be a man. For sure. It has to be a man. But I think like one that's like universally loved that I don't really understand. Tom Hanks. Yeah. Yeah, actually, bring him forward out a lot to say about Tom H. Joe Biden. It's like, I don't know. It'd have to be.

So you're saying someone universally beloved. Yeah, that I'm just, I don't get. Don't get, which is give me, okay, I love this game. I love the game of like, why does everybody sweat this person and I don't get it. Ryan Gosling. Let's go. Are his lips really skinny and his face kind of crooked? I don't know, probably.

You and me both, girl. Skinny lips is a no go for this guy. Does he not have the skinniest lips for no reason? Oh, girl. For no reason. Now I'm really going to look. And then his mouth when he smiles is a little bit like it's twisted. I feel it.

When I look at Ryan Gosling, I twist my, I, you know how dogs when they're listening? They tilt their head. Their ears perk up. I feel like I have to tilt my head. When you ask them a question, they kind of like, I feel that. Are you a big Halloween person? I love Halloween. Yeah, I bet.

What did you do last year? Last year I had a few costume. So I was like I was Isma from Emperor's New Groove. Okay. Because my boyfriend was Crohnck and my sister was Cusco. And then I was Troy Savon in his music video like, what's the name of the song? One of the girls. One of the girls where he was like he was in drag for the first time.

So I was Troy Savon as a woman. Okay. And then my boyfriend was Ross Lynch. And then the last one we did was, do you remember the show American Gladiators? Yes. I was an American gladiator. Wait, there was a documentary. about this recently.

Yes. So did you watch the first round of American Gluck? Because I don't remember it. I used to watch it on TV as reruns because it used to run in the early 90s. I was born in 95. And so my boyfriend and I and my family, we used to watch it as reruns on TV. Who was the one that you went as? I went as Zapp.

Right? I was as I was Zapped. She was a contestant. My sister was like one of the normal people that competes against us. Is this your sister and your mom? Yes. Were you a big Halloween family? Yeah, we love Halloween.

And my boyfriend was laser. Okay. So, like, we just had the costumes made and did big 80s hair. And then I bought the little, like, blow-up things where you hit each other off the podium. I like these costumes. I do feel like Halloween is an opportunity for women to just dress as horrors. Yeah. Which I also support.

Godspeed. Do what you got to do. It's just, it's like my friends that are, like, paralegals are like, I'm like, you can't post this photo on your Instagram. Like, you have, like, we're adults now. Like we can't do this anymore. It's like when you see like a girl in just like a camo bikini and I'm like, so what are you? And she's like, I'm a soldier.

I'm like, I don't know. She's like, this. Does this give you a hand? I don't know, dude. This feels disrespectful. I don't know, dude. Is this how we celebrate the truth out of it. It's also, it's like Halloween is in October.

It was designed to not be slutty. Yeah. It's literally in the winter. It's like every year I'm like, what am I? Am I a polar bear? Am I an Eskimo? Like handmade? I've been a handmade.

every year because it's like I get to wear a cape and like sweat me yeah something real comfy yeah totally yeah I feel like even when I was younger I'm like I'm cool with a with a slutty costume I love a slutty costume but it has to be cool like I wanted to be like to make sense okay to be unique or clever or whatever so I have a few ideas already cooking for this okay for you're okay so you're my guys like this he'll start thinking about Halloween like the and it'll be like well in advance it'll be like here the options for this year's Halloween okay I'll go is this and the other one I'll do next year. It's like a couple years are scheduled out.

Pre-planned. Do you know what I mean? So you're already thinking about next year for Halloween? Well, this year I have two costumes already planned. Okay. But you can't tell. Is this like? It's a secret.

I mean, it's like, spoiler alert. Spoiler. I've just never been like a huge Halloween person. Like I would like to be. I had a house growing up that was like no one came to get candy. It was just in a weird place. so I just got burned so many times, like, dressing up to try to give kids candy. Now you're spiteful against Halloween.

And then I've got a house out in L.A. Again, end of the cul-de-sac. No one came. And so I dressed up as Supergirl one year. Oh, that's cute. The costume was too small. I did look like a horror by accident. It was a children's, but I was like, I put, like, sweatpants underneath it.

And then no kids came to my house, and I had all this. I had, like, full candy bars. Oh. Butterfingers, the full size. That actually happened to me last year. And I do live at the end of a cul-de-sac. And they would skip my. house because there was like a little gate so I started like running after them and being like hey you guys and what I realized is you can't chase kids yeah if not with candy yeah then

you can only get in my white van and I started you just can't run after kids yeah it's a bad look that aren't your kids yeah I bought a bunch of candy bags and nobody came it's it's really I know but I also think too the neighborhood I live in well first of all I'm kind of on a hill so I feel like no those those kids are not you're baiting kids for them to fall off of like I'm like motivating them yeah you're I'm like, you get a good workout. Then at the top, I reward you. What candy do you give kids? This tells me everything I need to know about a person. And yes, I'm about to ask you your favorite Girl Scout cookies. I did the full-size candy bars too, but I got the mixed box. So I had like Reese's Twix, Snickers.

If there was a Mounds bar in there, I'm leaving. No, I don't like Mons bars, girl. And then I got a big mixed bag to have smaller candies. And then I did, I also get fruity one, so like Starburst Skittles. Oh, there. I just heard Skittles are outlawed, though. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

I did hear about that too. Oh, so you were giving outlaw. Maybe that's why they came my house. Contrabanded candy. I'm like, oh, I give you candy with lead. All of a sudden I'm a bad guy. All of a sudden. I mean, everything we did is children.

Like our parents, I mean, your mom's here. Did you put baby powder on her? But I get. Okay, like, I am just realizing that baby powder had like arsenic in it. Yeah, dude. And like, all kinds of stuff. It's fucking insane. Because I just had a kid and like my baby registry or whatever.

I like put stuff on it that like we had around the house when I was a kid. And I'm like, that's illegal now. I'm like, what do you mean? You can't get lawn darts for someone for their baby shower? I know. Everyone's so sensitive. Easy bake ovens catch on fire. I didn't know that.

But yeah, we used to just put baby powder all over ourselves. I guess there was a huge lawsuit. You owed some money if you guys want to jump in on the lawsuit. Well, that explains a lot. Yeah, you have cancer. I'm here to tell you. That explains a lot for me personally. And you said favorite Girl Scout cookie.

Favorite Girl Scout cookie. Mine, I think it's, I like the Samoa's. Yep, number one. are the best ones. If someone ever has a different answer, I just will call the police. I'm like out. That's naturally what I do. The thin mints are good, but only when they're cold. Like, I like when they're in the fridge. I put them in the fridge and then you put them on ice cream. Girl, it's so good. The older I get, like, I just feel like we meet so many people and you have to be able to weed out your people, your tribe very quickly. Do you know what I mean? You got to sense

the vibe. Don't you feel like a lot of people like want to meet you and talk to you? Especially now. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, do you want to go for a hike and you're like, oh, God. Oh my God. I know. I know, my sister, my sister is single, but she's a lesbian, and she was telling me the other day, she was saying, like, why does everybody lie about hiking? Live, I still love hiking. First of all, how long have you been a lesbian, a while? Like eight years.

Eight years, okay, I tried to be a lesbian. It didn't take. Oh, bumer. It was too many voice memos. It was like a wild amount of talking. But I do feel like when people ask you want to hike, I always feel like it means they're sober. Oh, that's a good point. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Or they want to push you off. If a guy asks you on a hike, don't go. That's what Ted Bundy did. Dude, hiking and exercise and, well, first of all, hiking. I have like a mean, mean, mean beef with hiking. I just don't fucking get it. Like, I'm like, I don't want to walk and sweat.

Like, that's not my idea of a good time. Well, because you know there's this new thing where guys, like, there's like this whole, like, online thing of like, because girls are so good at makeup now and contouring and stuff for like makeup tutorials. Take her swimming on the first date. I'm like, yeah, let's get in a cold tub and let's see. I would love to see you swimming, dude. I would like to see you tread water.

Yeah, but it's like I'd also, you know what I mean? A lot of things change on a man too in the water, but which they conveniently leave out. But yes, I do think it's like there's a lot of that. Like put her through an obstacle course. Well, I'm like, I'm not auditioning for American Ninja Warrior, so I'm not doing that personally. But like whenever we, every Mother's Day, I've made this joke before,

every single Mother's Day, my dad goes, he'll text us in a group chat. he's like, hey, like, what do we want to do for your mom? And we talk about it. And he always goes, I think we should go on a hike. I go, you're going to do this bit every year, aren't you? She doesn't want a fucking hike. None of us do.

In fact, I'm going to kick you out of this group chat if you suggest a hike one more time. Every year, I'm not kidding. He's like, what about a hike? But nobody wants to go on a fucking hike. But is that because she's a lesbian and your sister? No, she hates hiking more than I do. Oh, okay. That's why she hates hiking more than I?

That's why she was saying, why does everyone lie about loving hiking? I don't like. Is that a big thing on the apps or something or like dating? Maybe like hiking or working out. No, you don't. Hiking and working. They're like, I need a gym buddy. Oh, God, that's so sad.

Go get a friend. Is that just a lesbian thing? No, that's an everyone thing, I think. Like, everyone dating. There's a new thing now where everyone has to be like an athlete, like a high performer. Everyone's like got a, in ketosis. Everyone just smells like everyone's just eating like only meat. It's like a nightmare.

It's horrible. And my boyfriend is a certified trader. Like my boyfriend was a certified trader. Oh, God. So your fridge is just all protein powder things? No, girl, it's not. That's why I'm with it. Oh, but he's a trainer?

Yeah, he's a trainer. He was a trainer for a long time. And now he just does this with, he's like an online person not too like me. But he is not like that, which is why it works between us. I can't handle that shit. Like, I just, it's too much. But is he in like wild shape?

Yeah, he's in really good shape. Yeah, he's in really good shape. So you're shallow. Let's talk about it. Hey. that does he work out a lot still yeah yeah he still does but my point being when we go to the gym sometimes people are like oh you guys you guys work out the gym to fuck no I tell him to get the hell away for me at the gym the way he works out I was like I like myself personally I don't need to do that

this is pretty every working out is so sexual it for no I mean the machines are just like yeah you're just like I can't make eye contact like don't look at me just nobody look at me let's just get through this well that's why like like like whenever I worked, I have worked out with him maybe twice in the seven years we've been together. Both times it's awful. It's horrible. And we end up fighting. So it never works. At the gym. Yeah. Over what? He asked you to hold the camera and tell him. Not even. Sometimes, like one time he was just training me. Uh huh. And I got annoyed because I'm like, don't tell me what to do. Like what are we doing? You're going to tell me what to do? He's like, well, you ask me? He was just like,

kegles. He like, wait, I thought we were working. He would be like, oh, like, Like, no, you got to put your knee out. I'm like, I know how to do it. I know. He's just putting you in reverse cowgirl. He's like teaching it. I was like, wait. If anything, that would have been funny.

But no, he was like actually trying to train me. I'm like, I thought this was a bit. He's just, I like, now that when guys do anything nice, that we are just like, get the fuck away from me. He's like, I'm just trying to make sure you don't get injured. You're like, you're mansplaining me. He's like, Jesus Christ. The way I was like, I don't want to listen to you.

Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. Okay. Yeah. It's like, you're going to roll your ankle, but cool. I just don't want to drive you to the ER Yeah, that's just me being fucking annoying But like now he'll write me workouts

And he just gives them to me And I go do them by myself Yeah, I don't need you there See, I'm kind of done being a feminist I want a guy to just tell me everything to do We had a good run I did the girl boss thing I prove myself

And now I'm just like Can you open the door I don't want to do anything You say that now And then as soon as you start Someone starts tell you what to do All of a sudden It's hot

There's a point where it starts to get hot After you've had a lot of employees and you're like, can someone just fucking make a decision without me? That I do get. Yeah. Oh, what I was going to say was one of the things I truly feel like the embodiment of what misogynist believe women to be. Like the most idiotic, stupid bitch alive is when it has to do with my car. Like anything having to do with the auto shop mechanic.

Well, a car is a she also. That too. So that gets that. Boats and cars are she. I think that's why men hate women Because they associate us with things Like break down costs a lot of money Yeah girl

One flight attendant I had on JetBlue It was on JetBlue flight And he first of all was in love with my boyfriend Which most straight men are That's how I knew Because like most straight men like when they see my boyfriend They're like Like they have to talk to him

Like they have to make a lot of conversation So he talked to him that whole fucking flight And I was like I turned my back Went to sleep at it I'm not a part of this And I those the things he was saying like as a flight I just feel like there's a certain level I'm sure of professionalism you keep in the air He didn't have that at all like yeah, he was like yeah some fucking bitch like he was like talking like that to my boyfriend and my my boyfriend's sitting there and he's like yeah like that's it. So what is it your guy is just because he's so big and and yeah yeah yeah that's pretty much it like want to

they just have to talk to him about literally anything having to do with him being big and strong. Got it. They're like, oh, you play sports. You play a lot of sports. Sure. And he lies every time. He's like, no. And they're like, you should, you should.

I used to play. And then it doesn't. The older I get, the more I think men have it hard. Do you know what I mean? Like, this is a hot take. I realize this is a very hot take. But like imagine, I mean, it's like we don't like when men come up to us and are like, hey, look at your, you know, but men go up.

to other men and are like, hey, so, I mean, it's sexual harassment, really. It is. It is. Someone just wanting to talk to your guy about his body. It's, it is, it is literally, I'm not kidding. It's catcalling. It is. It actually is.

He gets sexually objectified by men far more than women. Totally. Far more than women. It's kind of fascinating. Yeah, it's, it's pretty weird. And my dad is, is a big dude too. Like, my dad's six, six. My dad's a big, big brown guy, too.

So, like, he gets the same exact shit. If we go somewhere as a family, game over. They see the two of them. They're like, I don't know, like, which one I want to talk to first. There's something about it. Like, we're wired to, like, like, at all times need to know who to, like, follow if there's a fire. You know what I mean? So, like, that guy.

I need to make friends with that guy. In case, like, shit hits the fan. Cause all me apocalypse happens today. Like, he's my guy. Yeah, totally. One of my friends, Caleb, he was like, oh, you're killing yourself? I'm not. He's like, I'm mobilizing.

I'm getting all the gays, all the lesbiansians. Uh-huh. He's like, I'm taking over clean water source. And I'm starting a village. And I'm the king. And I get to decide the dress code. And Lady Gaga rule. Like, I don't want to go to this commune.

I really don't like this. And everyone has to dress as Timothy Shalameh from Wonka. Specifically in Wonka. Yeah, I feel like this gave. Caleb was behind all this. It seems very controlling. Although, I do know a lot of people that are in the market for bunkers. Yeah, they are.

Do you say preppers. And, like, well, but there's also like all the billionaires that like know more than we do. That's true. Seem to be getting bunkers. Like Jeff Zuckerberg, like, has a bunker. I'm like, what is this motherfucker? This dork. What is this fucking nerd?

No, that we don't know. Have you seen that movie, leave the world behind? No. Did you watch it on Netflix? It's like a more recent one. Is it Julie Roberts? Yes. Yes.

And Marhershala Ali. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched that one too. And that one was only spooky to me because that felt more real. Like, that felt more like the world would end. It was like the grid went down or? It was like a cybertank.

terrorism. They take over everything. Nobody can get a hold of each other at the internet doesn't work. My power's out for two hours today and I almost blew my brains out. So I'm already. I've said that too about like when when they say like desert island like what are three things like if you get deserted on the island, what are you bringing? Right. I'm like I'm bringing my phone. Um, and a battery pack. That doesn't need a cord and then a gun. Because once my phone dies, I'm killing myself. That's my plan personally. Have you ever not had your phone? I'm glad you're not out there dating. Right. All these little small talk, like, flirty questions. Like, so what would you bring to a desert island? You're like a phone, a charger, and a gun.

Check, please. And once my battery pack dies, so do I. That's how it works. Have you ever your phones, like, updating and you're like, what am I supposed to do with my life? Just sit here and wait? Yeah. Be alone with your thoughts.

Yeah, I can't do that. Yeah, that's why I saw the apocalypse. Like, if it's like the last of us type situation, I'm absolutely killing my... I'm not sticking around for that girl. Okay. But so let me answer your question. So you're obviously, your job is to be online in a lot of ways.

But do you find yourself ever just like mindlessly scrolling and justifying and be like, no, I'm doing this for work. And you're like, no, I'm just trying to get life over with. I'm just scroll. I'm just got to like I got to stop. Yeah, absolutely. Mine's a problem. I think my job being online has almost increased it.

Yeah. It's made it worse almost because I'm also on it like all my work is online and I also mindlessly. But yeah, they're mutant people. Oh yeah, I meet people all the time. Who would you just mute? All right. Don't even remember, to be honest. So when you mute someone online, you remove them from your brain also.

Literally, they're gone from my. But that, do I feel like I've started muting my friends so I can keep liking them. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that's fair. If you really like someone, you should mute them. Am I wrong? No, I mean, I think that's valid. I think.

And then also, so we have something to talk about. So it's not just, I don't like recapping. Like, hey, so I saw that you went to Barbados. I want to be like, where were you? last week. Yeah, and not know and have no idea. Yeah, yeah. And then if anyone calls their spouse, their best friend, I got it, I got to mute you. It's not. It's not. What do we do? I just can't. Are you that person? Are you like, I'm just with my best friend. Is he your best friend? What? I don't honestly, I sometimes I think about that. He's one of them, I would say. Not my only one.

Okay. My friends who are drag queens. Yeah. We've talked before, I've told them, I'm like, sometimes you see girls who are like, oh, gay people love me. If they say that they don't love you, I promise you they don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. then I'm like, why do you leave me alone? And they're like, we love you. I'm like, get away. I'm going to do a hate crime. Get away.

I'll say the F word. I don't give a shit. You can pissing me off. I still say that. When we, when I was joking around with one of my friends, I was telling him, I'm like, you know what's so funny is like, if you actually hung out with gay people like gay men, gay women, drag queens, you would hate yourself.

Hate yourself. You would hate your, they are the meanest people alive. Oh my God. And I love it. I know. Yeah, I love it. It's like, because here's a. It's like gay men have recently in the last couple years become way meaner than straight men.

It's kind of amazing. It's kind of amazing. Yeah, that's bad. And I always tell like my guy friends that are like, oh, why do you have so many like gay male friends or any like straight guys that are homophobic? I'm like, no, no, no, trust me. You want gay men in my life. They keep me insecure. Yeah, exactly.

It's the only reason I'm getting facials and lasers. Like, you'll fuck anything. I'm doing this so that my gay male friends don't say that I'm slipping. I was like, you're an unreliable source. Yeah, totally. They gave me at Barry's boot camp. They got me working out every day. I got to check in with the girls. Yeah. They'll tell me. Yeah. They're like, why is it? Like, where's your luminosity? Like, they'll, like, grade me on my lumina. You know what I'm saying? So, what do you even say? I know, what do you say? I like this, like, lesbian gang gang.

Oh, yeah, girl. I got, I got them on deck. You know what I mean? My sister was, she at one point, she was like, maybe, I don't know, maybe I'll date men. It's so funny because when we were at dinner once, uh, someone that was sitting with us, uh, someone that was sitting with She was telling me a story about how she got like an unsolicited dick pick all been there. And I was like, yikes. And she goes, do you want to see it? Of course I do. Go ahead and show it to me.

And she shows it to me. And it's one of the worst dickpicks I've ever seen. I've seen quite a few. It's truly it's what it looked like, you know when you take like transformation photos and you just kind of stand there with a blank stare on your lip face? That's what he looked like. His face was in it? Yeah, girl. Wild.

And it was in like a mirror too. but I couldn't see the phone anywhere So it's propped it up. Yeah, it's like self-timer. Okay, oh, brutal, buddy. Yeah, and he's pale and, oh, it's just unsettling. I'm not traumatized by dick pics. I'm not traumatized by them.

I just don't want to see him. I, if I'm, if you're interested in someone, though, it's the only way you can see their apartment before. Can see their cleaning house. Yeah, I don't want to see your dick. I don't even know, yeah, exactly. I just want to know, like, if that's a, is it like a washcloth? Are we doing a lufa?

It's always in the bathroom and you can get. Yeah. And if I see like a bath and body works in the back, you like you have a girlfriend. Like you can cut it figure out. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

Totally. So it's like you can get a lot of information. That's true. You can use it investigative. Yeah. I feel that. Yeah. She was showing me the picture and I was like,

that's a horrible thing. Like of him, tell him to use a filter or something girl like tan a little. Is there such a thing as a good one? You know what I mean? No, never. But that's just one of the worst.

But I think they're on to it. I think they know now. I think they know the angle to do, right? It's like from up, like a top angle down. They know that we're onto them if their hands are small. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They know how to make their hands look bigger because that's the first thing you have to do.

You have to go, oh, well, is there, if it looks big, maybe. You need something for scale. Yeah. That's exactly what it is. Who was? I think it was, hold on. This is what you do. If you can't figure out how tall a guy is on their dating profile or girl, fine.

Yeah. Sorry. Is that if you look on their dating app and they're standing. next to like a historical, like a statue, you can then look up the statue's height. Oh, yeah. I've seen, I've seen some people on TikTok doing like door frame measuring. Yeah, totally. Like I can weirdly tell you the height of most. I'm like, oh, Ben Franklin and Philly. Yeah, it's six foot one. A guy tried to tell me. Yeah. That's one of my special skills, I think, is guessing men's height specifically. Yeah. From nothing more than a picture, I can guess. I can smell it like a

drug dog. Like, when you see him with like a fish or something? You're like, okay, that's a bass in Cleveland. Okay, I think, let me just get into the local. I've told people before, I'm like, whatever he tells you, especially online, if you've never seen him in person, subtract two to three inches. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

About Dick Size and height. My sister was like, I want to see, what are you guys looking at? She didn't know what we were talking about. And so she just showed her and she was like, oh, ew. And she goes, you're right. I am a lesbian. We weren't talking about that. We weren't discussing that, not even a little bit.

And I was like, you all send dick pics. Yeah. Your version of a dick pick? No. No. See, I don't. I think it's different. I agree.

I had a friend in college and she used to take, sometimes she would send nudes to her boyfriend and sometimes she would show them to me. And honestly, they look beautiful. It looks like art. Okay. It looks like George, Joe Keith. Yeah. But then when men do it, it looks like a crime scene photo. Yeah.

And I'm not a fan of that. You know what I mean? I'm like, you took this in your house. Why is it so dark? Yeah. I also don't. I also like a lot. I don't like a lot of grooming.

So I think the things that probably would make something photogenic or not, the things that I want to see, IRL. I feel you. Have you ever dated a guy that you, like, suspected was gay or was gay? Nothing. No. I personally haven't had that problem, though. Okay.

I have. I've had a feeling that they had girlfriends. Oh, how do you know? Because I found out one of them had a girlfriend. You know the way to do that? Put a bobby pin on the bedside table. I'll never notice it, but the girl will. Period.

Tell him. That's how you let him know. Just like a bobby pin. A guy won't even, guys don't see bobby pins. They just don't pick it up. Yeah. When they scan. Straight guy.

Yeah. And if you just put it on the side, a girl will be like, what's this? And I'll be like, huh? Like, how did you find out? She called me. Okay. The girl, the girl found, she literally, she jail broke his iPad because he had a bunch of passwords on everything. Uh-huh.

And then she found my name in there. And she had. seen him texting someone with my name, but she thought I was a man. And he, did he have you programmed as something else? No, he just had my full name in there. That's wild. And so she thought, you're supposed to program it as like AT&T. Verizon while I was.

Grandma knew, yeah. That's because my name is associated with men more heavily than women. Okay. So it said Drew, so she thought it was a dude. Yeah. And she was like, oh, who's that? And he was like, oh, it's my friend, Drew. He never gendered me.

He was just like, that's my friend. And I was like, friend. And then, I don't do that shit with my friend. friends. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, we're not friends. Yeah. But so then what should she say? She called me, she said, is this Drew? And I said, yeah. And then she, I'm not kidding, this is the exact conversation. But it came from

his number. She called me on her own phone. She just took my number off his iPad. Oh shit. And then she called me and then she said, is this Drew? And I said, yeah. And she's like, this is Drew. And she said my off wallow. And I said, yeah. You're an address? No, no, no. She just said my last name. Like, she wanted to confirm that was me. And I go, yeah,

who's this? And then she, started crying and then she said I fucking knew it bro I fucking knew it and she's crying and that was it and had you been like dating him dating him uh I wouldn't call it dating okay whatever that was I wouldn't call it what is it called when they never go out with you but they always come over love love true love unconditional love soulmate them wait call it when they refuse to be seen out in public with you no they don't want to share you with anyone else They don't want anyone else to see you because they're afraid you'll get taken. Wait, what?

Okay, but did you have a suspicion? Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a feeling because he, well, the not wanting to ever meet me on public thing was a big one. And then only ever wanting to come to my house, never going to his. That was another one. Might have lived in his car. Fine.

He's green. Not a big carbon footprint. I can turn anything negative into a positive. It's kind of my superpower. I'm like, he's married, not afraid of commitment. So that's good. Um, okay. Well, and then did you meet your guy shortly thereafter? Yeah, he was right after. I do feel like sometimes someone in a relationship goes sour or something's a really bad experience.

Yeah. Whether it's the contrast or whether you're just open or whether you're so hurt, you're not looking. Yeah. That's when your person comes along. I agree. I couldn't agree more. My friends hate when I do this, but whenever they go through a horrible breakup, I'm like, this means your soulmates right around the corner. And they're like, you know, but I do feel like that. Yeah. Or at least when a great person comes along, you have something to compare them to and you don't take them for granted or something. No, for sure. And that was, and he was, my boyfriend now was right after that relationship. And then how did you two meet? We actually went to high school together.

Oh, cute. Yeah, we went to high school together. We were not high school sweethearts. I make sure to tell people that all the time. I was like, we did not date in high school. Uh-uh. We were like, cool. We were friends.

Okay. Nothing more. That's so cute. Then we would get like lunch like once a year. Did your mom know? Did she, she knew? Did you like know? She knew when we started dating.

But like, did you know them in high school? Yeah. Do you know him in high school? I feel like mom. always no shit. And they're like, I knew that. And you're like, well, could you have told me? You can psychic witch? He actually asked me to, he asked me to prom my, his senior year, my junior year, and I said no. So he like, who did you go with? I, who did I go with the worst person alive? My junior year, I went with the worst. If I ever see that guy in person, I swear to God, I say this all the time. I'm gonna, I'm gonna beat this shit out of him. I'm just kidding. I hate that guy. I hate that guy. He's the worst person alive. And I didn't know that before he,

We went to prom together. What happened? He's just, well, first of all, a devout Mormon. So I'll get bad news. I don't, I'm fine. I would like some help around the house. I think you need to think this through. You want a doomsday prepper.

Okay. Get a Mormon. All right. They love doomsday prepping. Really? Yeah. They know some shit. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he was a devout Mormon, which I didn't hate because, like, my dad's side of the family. You're like, not one woman wants to marry you, too. Yeah. Yeah. Chill, relax. Well, first of all, one of the things he told me that I was like, uh-oh, was he was getting, we were texting each other, like, trying to get to know each other a little bit better. And then he told me that he'd only been to a beach once in his life.

And I was like, oh, I mean, like, that's cool. Whatever. You're fucking high school. So you're like, that's cool, right? And then he told me, yeah, the one time I went, though, I had a bad experience. And I said, why? And he said, I didn't know the salt water was. I didn't know ocean water was saltwater.

so I drank a lot of it thinking it was fresh water and then I had to get my stomach pumped. Even if it was fresh water? Like, why were you drinking? I asked him that. I said, like, well, why were you drinking the body of water that you're swimming in with strangers? I mean, that to me doesn't really make any sense. They're like, no, I just thought I was drinking piss. I thought it was normal human piss.

Like a normal person would. And I was like, oh, okay, well, all right. I don't know how to, guess I got to speed past that because I don't know what to do. And then when we would hang out, it was just, there was just so many things. Like one of the things he asked me what my type was. And I'm fucking 16. So I'm like, um, somebody knows just like nice and funny. Like I'm trying not.

Someone that knows how oceans work. Someone who's well aware that all oceans are saltwater. Um, I think that bar is kind of low. But I was like, I don't know, someone nice and funny, I guess. And I was like, what about you? And he was like, oh, I like short white girls with glasses. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me, but I am neither short nor white. I do wear glasses, but not all the time.

Okay. And literally, I remember the whole time I was hanging out with him, I never wore my glasses because I didn't want him to know, like think that I was doing that to make him. Yeah. So I was walking into walls. Yeah. Just like fucked up vision the whole time we hung out. Short white girls with glasses.

How did that work out? He's now just with Greta Thunberg. just they're both she's trying to save the ocean he doesn't know how work perfect couple the perfect couple it's funny too because he broke up with the girlfriend that he had been with for like years to go to prom with me and then went back home and then got back together with her and now I think they're married and have kids I love that for her I love that for her that's their journey not my problem bitch sorry bye wish you well not him but like I don't I think in general prom is kind of a toxic tradition.

Oh, absolutely. As I look back, I'm kind of like, is that, so we spent all year, like, try to figure out who we were going to dry hump in front of our teachers? It's kind of an insane thing. Yeah. Their proms were very, like, TV prom, I think, from what he described to me. And I was like, okay, well, that's not how my school gets down. I just want you to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My school plays, like, the craziest music ever in people are, are humping and sucking and fucking girl. Like just like keep that in mind. And I was like, I literally was prepping him. Yeah. Then when he saw it in person, like he was disgusted. So you ruined his, he's not getting into heaven because of, yeah. If I can't go, neither can he. I took one down with me.

You're welcome. He honestly, at one point, do I ask him if he wanted to dance? And he was like, no. And he said, he was disgusted with me. And then he said, that goes against God. And I go, well, you can ask for forgiveness tomorrow because it was a Saturday. I thought that was funny. And he literally looked at me, he went, that's not funny.

Tough room. My bad. Tough bad. You know what else God did? Created the ocean. So. That was God trying to take him out. It feels like you skimmed that chapter.

Sir. Did you forget that part? Yeah. So I hate him. Interesting. I'm kind of obsessed with Salt Lake City or that whole thing. Has the highest plastic. surgery rate because women that were Mormon, tore up their body so much, got kicked to the

curb at like 25 after having 12 kids, and then had to go do a revamp. That's terrible. Wild. I know. That's why I was like, I hate him, so hate that guy. Yeah. Thankfully, nothing came of that, thankfully. Yeah, but then you got to be with your guy. Yeah. Okay. That was like well after college. So after I graduated college, did you like refine each other or did you keep in touch? We kind of kept in touch. We kept in touch the whole time. We get lunch once a year, like old co-workers. And then we wouldn't talk. Like, we would just, if I was home and he was home, we would get lunch and catch up and then go our separate ways. And then when was the time that it? After I graduated from college and moved home. I'm so obsessed with your boyfriend now. Because I love that he like

wasn't into you when you were like 15, 16. You know what I mean? Like he never was agreed. Well, yeah, no. And he was also dating other people. high school and I wasn't and then when we went to college we dated other people too and then after that's good you got to get some idiots out of your system yeah absolutely and then what was the like spark uh well first of all I was ignoring him he kept hitting me up like the shittiest Reese Witherspoon movie that I would I would never believe like I went to school together and there and then all of a sudden he was like it's been you this whole time like what we literally I was ignoring him because he he pissed me the fuck off and I don't even remember

what happened. That's when you knew it was love. Yeah, he annoyed me and I literally was like, we're cool. We don't need to hang out. We're not, we don't need to be friends. It's cool. And I just like was ignoring him. And when I was about to graduate, he was like, hey, we should hang out when you come home and I was ignoring him. Then he, he texts me like, four or five more times like, hey, like, are you home yet? And I was home. I just like, what did he do to annoy you? Uh, he blew. I think it was that he had blown me off a few times. Like, but it was getting, the time was getting closer and closer each time.

So it'd be like the couple days before. Then it would be the day of. Then it would be an hour before. Then it was like he just wouldn't show up at all. And I was like, I'm not fucking dating you. So I don't know why we're doing this. Totally. Like I was like, you're standing me up and we're getting lunch.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I literally text him. I'm like, hey, we're not even really that close. So it's fine. We don't need, we don't need to hang out. We're good. That was like the last text I had sent him. I am so into calling a friend.

that is not taking. Yeah. That's not what happened with you, but like there are these maintenance friendships that you're kind of like, should we just call it? Like, I don't want to do this. It doesn't seem like you really want to do this. Like, I feel like we're just like, yeah,

both feel better. Like, let's just call it. Yeah. Like how sick would it be if we just never talk to them? Should we just do that? Yeah, it's one of those where you're like, you know what? And so this awkward twice a year, Chipotle run.

Yeah, that's like, exactly. Exactly. That's why I was like, what are we doing? Yeah, I love that you just like said that. Yeah. And then he was like, we're not even really that close. That's what I wrote that out and sent it to him. We're not really that close. It's fine. That is savage. We don't need to ever hang out again. It's cool. And then he was like, oh, no, I don't want you to be upset with me. He sent me something like apologizing and I just never responded. And I remember to, right before I moved home from college, he would, he would comment silly shit on my Instagram pictures. And I would get so mad. And I would literally delete them. I would just delete them to be a dick.

Because I was so annoyed. I'm like, get to fuck off my picture. And I would delete it. Because only like he knows. Like that's the thing about deleting. Deleting someone's comment is just between you and now. Yeah.

Which is so crazy when you think about it. Yeah. Especially because I had no following. Neither of us did. It's such a dunk on somebody. It's such a personal. Like I don't want people knowing I know you. I literally deleted it.

And then he would text. He texts me and was like, did you delete my comment? And I just never responded. Did you notice that I deleted your comment? Yeah, fucking freak. That's even weird. You're so obsessed with me.

Anyways, I went home. He kept hitting me up, blah, blah, blah. And then I remember the last when he said me, he's like, this is the last time I'm going to try. I really do want to make it up to you. I'm really sorry. Like, I've been a shitty friend and whatever. He wrote me this really nice text, which he never used to talk like that to me at the time. And I remember I was at the nail salon with my mom.

And I showed it to her and I was like, can you believe this fucking guy? And then my mom was like, you should go. Like to lunch or something. I'm like, why? She goes, because like, what if he, if he doesn't suck, then that's cool. And if he does suck, you got a free meal. And I said, and that's period. I'm period, bitch.

Yes. You know what? You're right. And I texted him back and then we went and jokes on me. He got me. It's also fascinating because it's like he obviously liked you. But the thing that really got him was you having self-respect. Yeah, dude.

And we always forget about that. Yeah. You just respected yourself and he's like, she's my wife. life. It's amazing. It's like all that had to happen. I asked him too. I was like, why did you keep texting me? Because he's not that kind of person at all. Like, I couldn't treat you like shit. And then you knew you had value. So then I valued you. It was just like one of one. Yeah. And he like, I mean, you see what he looks like. He doesn't have any problems getting female attention literally ever, even now. But like he he told me. I asked him. I was like, why did you keep hitting me up? Like of all of all the years I knew him, he was never that kind of guy to chase really. And he. And he was like, I don't know, something just told me that like I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't. And now I know why, because I was meant to marry you. And I was like, you know what, shut up. First of all, don't be sweet and loving.

Knock it off. So bad for my brand. And then how. No, I think it's actually part of being able to, I don't want to say, get away with. Yeah. It's because you don't hate men. Yeah, it's true. It's specific.

Yeah, I hate very specific men. I spent so much time being called like a man hater and did that because of my first. you know, a couple specials, I just kind of made fun of men that I was dating and made fun of like how ridiculous, like sexes and stuff like that. And I was like, no, I don't hate men, although that's like, I make fun of women just as much. Yeah. Try to make fun of everybody. But it's like, no, I love them so much that this, this haunts me. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, so I think part of the reason you're able to go so hard at men is because you know what good ones are like. Totally. And you know the good ones are out there. Yeah. I've told people that before too.

I've always told them I'm like, I, it's quite the opposite because sometimes men online, especially they'll be like oh fatherless behavior that's like their new thing they like to say fatherless behavior which is i have it so i'm just curious what it is it's it's modern daddy issues yeah kind of thing and they're like that's what she hates men and i was like well it's actually quite the opposite i must do way more damage okay like yours is here right now loving you which is a whole other trauma i was i've said to the people before though i'm like it's quite the opposite actually i've seen what men are capable of and this is not it yeah yeah that's what my bar is So high.

Yeah. I was like, I hate you. I don't hate men. I hate you specifically. Okay, fatherless behavior. That's women going to Coachella. What is it? It's just feather earrings.

It's real, it's real like. Roselle day shirts. Yeah, it's real vague to be honest. It's just women who don't act or do the things that misogynistic men want. Women that post Maryland and Roe quotes. It's women who love themselves. Okay. Okay.

They're like, oh, I can't treat you like shit. Okay. Clearly you don't have a dad. But fatherless behavior. is women with daddy issues. Yeah. So it could be women who sleep around. It could be women who don't sleep around.

It could be fat women. It could be skinny women. So it's just a new way of saying you're a woman. Essentially. You are a slut. Okay. Got it. It's a new word for slut.

It's like, well, it's not just slut either because like that's not why they say to me. To me, they say to me because they think that's why I hate them. Sure. And I even so, I'm like, even if I did hate all of them, what are you going to do about it? Yeah, yeah. It's also I, I mean, it's like I think I, I think I, I, call women out to, I think it's, you know, calling, I just think that I don't think about like, I'm making fun of a man. I'm making fun of a woman. It's just like this is, you know, but I do think

it's important that men call out men and women call out women too. Do you know what I mean? And when a man talks shit about women, I'm not like, you're talking about me. I'm like, no, you're talking about her and the women that do that. Whereas if I'm going to make fun of a man doing this, why did you just involve you? I'm not talking about you. You're like outing yourself. You're like, why do you hate men? I'm like, no, I'm not even, I don't even know you. Yeah, literally. I think You do. I know. I just held up some mirror.

Even sometimes I'll make videos not even talking about men. I'll just be talking about women. And then they're like, and what about us? What about you, bitch? I'm not thinking about you. Like men just jump in. Yeah. And what about men?

What about you? You make your own video. I was like, you make your own video about you. Yeah. Go do that. Yeah. Like, don't come in here. I'm not talking to.

It's like everyone's going. I mean, this must be fascinating. Like, like I feel like that getting in the public eye or whatever I am was so incremental for me in a way for you. Did it just feel like so fast? I feel like there's so much adjusting. Oh yeah, totally. It's been, it's been a big like adjustment over the past like, I think now we're going on three years that I've been doing this like full time. But yeah, it's been a lot, especially in the beginning because like my schick was making fun of awful dudes. But even then I'm like, I just make silly ass jokes about what they look like. And it's men who are attacking the looks of other

women. So it's like, exactly. It's a fair fight. Yeah. I figure I'm like, well, I thought you were cool with commenting on looks because you did it. Yeah, if you can give it, you should be able to take it. And I've told people before, I'm like, I truly think that like, so sometimes they're like, well, then I should be able to call you a fat fucking bitch. By all means, you absolutely can. And here's the other thing, like, I'm so pro First Amendment. It's ridiculous.

I'm a comic, right? Literally, you can say whatever you want. Yeah. But you have to be cool with the fact that people aren't going to like you after. Yeah, for sure. You can say it. Yeah. Like, I should be able to say the N-word.

You know what? say it, but then you're going to get punched in the face. Yeah, and that's on you. And everyone's going to clap. And that's, so just you have to be okay with the consequences. You can say it. I've said that too. I'm like, you could, you could literally say anything you want.

Like when I was, I was fucking up some dude recently. And they were saying, they were like, oh, you can't joke about anything. I'm like, yeah, you can't. You absolutely, you could joke about whatever the fuck you want. And I was like, you just have to deal with the consequences after. But also, like, when they're like, I can't say anything. I'm like, in what way? Like, you're still saying it and no one's stopping you.

So, like, literally nothing is stopping you at all. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, it's like, you're just making fun of men. And then they pay money to watch MMA and watch men beat the shit out of each other. You're like, you love watching men get beat up and made fun. What are you doing? Oh, but when I do it, it's so. It's just your pretty.

Just tell me up your mom pretty. You're in love with me. You're obsessed with me. You know what I mean? Like, I don't like, it's just. Sometimes the line, like, it does get blurred a little bit. Does high school ever end? Are they just pulling your pigtails in high school?

Do you know what I mean? They're just flirting. Yeah. And it's also I feel like, um, again, I'm like, I make fun of people so openly and so publicly. If I had a problem with people making fun of what I look like, then I would be in the wrong profession. Right. Totally totally.

And I was like, I can take a fucking joke. That's the difference between you and me. Right. Right. Like I said earlier, I got a lot of gay friends, a lot of drag queen friends. You have to be able to take a joke. Nothing builds the armor quite like that. Is there anything that's like, I mean, people ask.

me this question a lot and I don't always love it but like do is there anything that's off limits you're like ah uh like to make fun of or to just talk about in general not really i mean i mean it doesn't stop the people that have made fun of me have truly said the most awful shit i've ever seen in my life like i'm just saying objectively it's really terrible yeah when it comes to the negative comments i'm finding more and more well first of all i did block certain words you can do that yeah on instagram i don't know if you can on tic talk you can yeah on ticot you can yeah Okay, so this is actually even more important than your favorite Girl Scout cookie, which is what are the words that you auto-ploc on social media? That will help me learn a lot about you.

Oh, honestly, I think for the most part, when I first got started, I put in a lot of, like, private information because people, because naturally, I got docks many times when I was first, like, doing TikToks. They were, like, threading my life, the story of being a woman. Good news, bad news. Gavin DeBacker, who's, like, the big security. expert guy when I had a bunch of death threats he was like oh well the person that's going to kill you is not going to give you a heads up you want to hear something so funny and you're kind of like that's exactly what one of my friends told me I feel better and worse the people literally that are going to threaten you you do not have to worry about he says yeah that's that's actually so true

because that was something I talked to other creators about that had similar issues and they told me the same thing they were like well they're not going to tell you cool they're not going to it will just come out of left field and you'll never know No, which is actually, you can't prepare for it. Yeah, you cannot prepare for it. Yeah, so essentially. So just calm down and relax. Sleep well at night.

Okay. I turn into a full man. I'm like, calm down. Just relax. I know that's, uh, so I have a lot of private stuff. That's like the first stuff in there. And then I started muting names of dudes that I had already talked about because I was like, I don't want to fucking see this shit anymore.

Okay. I'm over it. I don't want to see him anymore. I burn that down. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah, he's never coming back. I put my boot on his fucking head and pushed him back down to hell.

Okay? He's fine. So like that's really all I have. I think for negative comments though, they usually only hurt when I agree with them. Yeah, I feel that. That's the tricky one when someone's like, your third special was so much better than your second.

I'm like, that's true. You're right. You're right. Yeah, I've talked about this before too. Like I went on a podcast and I was talking about comments that I got because they asked me about hate comments. they always ask me about that but I they were like what are has any comment ever hurt your feelings and I was like honestly no like men are not nearly smart enough to be clever and witty in my comments personally so nothing they've ever said has been funny or endearing at all I was like honestly the meanest shit I've ever gotten was from people who love me and they're trying to compliment me sure and it's not a compliment at all it's tricky when someone says like or like tries to be funny like I come from like roast and comedy and people come up and a lot of times when you're trying to be funny

and you miss it's either an insult or a lie right so it's like it's it's and especially over like you know written yeah exactly like the sarcasm doesn't come through it's like i know calling me a dumb cunt like you thought that was hilarious but the inflection doesn't really play it doesn't hit the ear in the comment section yeah yeah and i even um i talked about on that show that i was on about how like someone told me they felt really represented by me and every time they say that to me I I cautiously read the rest of it because it will hurt my feelings because it's someone who genuinely loves me like it's not meant to be an insult at all which I know but I am a human with a brain and eyes so I unfortunately I still see it and they said that they felt really represented by me

because they were also wall-eyed which I was like what the fuck is that because I only know about cock-eyed and that's not good so I looked it up and And it's literally comparative to a horse, like their eyes look opposite directions. Yeah. And they were saying seeing you being so confident and being wallied has made me feel really good about myself. I love it when it's in a compliment. It's like, you know what? You don't even care what you wear.

And that's really inspired. And you're like, what? Oh, girl. That's, I, you're not that. I don't think. According to the internet. I get called horse face a lot. So I feel like I would have.

You know what's even crazier is like when they posted that clip on TikTok, it's funny. I'm like making jokes about myself. I joked about it, whatever. And it did really well on TikTok. And all of the comments were literally like, I mean, girl, you're still beautiful. First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I am not medically wallied. I don't have to sit here and justify that shit to y'all.

I was like, I literally real. I was like how everyone all of a sudden is a doctor. I would love to be wall like that. I can fucking see eyes behind my head. No one's creeping up on you. Like, if you're going to become a famous influencer, you want eyes on the side of your head. That's very real.

I wouldn't have to worry about people sneaking up to kill me. because I could see. I mean, here's the thing. I love a clever insult. Like, there's nothing worse than someone just saying something nasty and hurting your feelings. But there's nothing better when someone just nails it. And that's why I love comics so much.

That's why I love doing the roast so much. Like one time Nick Swartz's on my podcast. And like on my podcast, I get like, you have such a good energy. You're so chill. But like I come from like, like, I like, sometimes trying so hard to like get a bit in or like when comics are on sometimes you really feel like we're like starring with each other. Yeah, totally. So I'm like going a million miles an hour. Yeah.

And then he was like telling a story and I like was getting bored, I guess. And I was like, I kept saying what I thought the punchline of the story was going to be. And he was like, would you just let me finish? I was like, well, you're taking forever. And he just went, sorry, I'm not an Adderall mannequin. Like it's just like, it's such a perfect insult. It's kind of flattering. It's kind of, it's clever.

I've never heard that pairing of words. So if you're going to do it, just like, give it some thought. You know what I mean? A lot of times when people just slide into my. comments are like, you dumb bitch. I'm like, do you need more time? Yeah, for real. Like, just spend more time on the insult.

Sometimes I respond and I'm like, that was a zero out of 10. Do you want to try again? My last name is Cummings. I've heard it all since I was a wee top. Just come with something a little more clever and like, I'm sure it would tickle me pink. Yeah, the one insult I've ever gone that was from a man that honestly didn't hate me, which made it even funnier to me. Like it was just like a drive by, he hit me.

Uh-huh. the pot of greed card from Yu-Gi-o and like if you looked it up yeah you got me bitch like you fucking got me bitch like if i googled the esoteric insult and it hits yeah i'm in love with you i looked it up and i said yeah you know okay that's i was that was three years ago i still remember to this day where i got it when i got it what i was wearing because i was like that's honestly hilarious i one time and this was like before all like the gender drama this is like five years ago i was walking into a Starbucks and you know when you like know like there's like a table of guys and you know they're like looking at you. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? It was like three dudes that were just like sitting out front of Starbucks like post it up for like the day just to do whatever. You know what I mean. And then between cheating on their wives. I told me girls would walk by and they would just look at them. Right. So it's like you know a group of guys like guys you would never date or talk to but then you have to like. I'm just like Naomi Campbell all of a sudden for no reason.

Like all these guys are disgusting. But I still want them to be in love with me. So I'm like. And then I like look at. looked over just to see if they were still looking, you know what I mean? And I caught eye contact with one of the guys and he just went, what's up, dude? I think about it twice a week. Like what?

Like it wasn't an insult. It was kind of just a weird. They just dapp you up. But it was like, you know that thing, the game? It was that book that taught guys how to be mean to girls to make them like them or something. I was like, does he really think of, wait, what's up? Why did he say dude? Like was that?

Was he flirting? Was he not? Like I still don't know the answer. Like it just drives me nuts. It works like the pickup artist's game. Yeah. So that's the other thing. Like don't go straight for mean or too nice.

Just go like in, just go to confusing. You're confusing. You know what I'm saying? Just like spinning wheel from the like computer like rebuffering stream. Like it just like paralyzed. And you're still thinking about it. So it worked.

I mean that I mean. Craig's less misconnections. I'll see you tonight. Let me know. I check it every night. Refresh. I've had like a few instances. Yeah.

With. online men like that's really the only ever time i think recently i got one from a guy that just said go to the gym chunko which i thought was hilarious i think chunko i was like chunko that you kind of aim me up with that i love a bucko yeah i love a hey bucko i've had some old sometimes really old men comment on my shit um and they're right crazy like you could tell they're a hundred years old based off how they wrote the comment um and they're never interesting but i love making old jokes. They're like, you're a real snake in the grass. What?

These old time yes insults. Oh, you corpulent lass. Damn. And that sticks with me. I'm kind of like, okay, I got to think about that one a little bit. But one time I wrote to a guy, I'm like, I wrote back to this old man. I should say this, this gentleman. Okay. I was like, did you like sneak your phone away from the nurse that's clearly taking care of you to write this comment? elder abuse. I want to be mean to you, but I don't, I respect my elders. I don't want to be too mean to you. You geriatric fuck.

He's like, he got your mouth. You've got mail. She wrote me back. Literally. I love an old guy's coming on my shit. I love a good old person joke. Yeah. I mean, I feel like on like their profile is just like the egg.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Or just like them like in a fuzzy photo with an arm around them. Like who did you crop out? take a new photo or it's like just a really up close picture like the phone was like right here dude i feel like guys in their 40s especially if they're divorced it's a lot of like car seat selfies with a seatbelt on it's a lot of just like got it yeah safety right why are they always in the car always in the car and they always have those wraparound glasses like those yeah yeah yeah yeah but

they're like jude they're like stokely's You're like a gas station opening Like the iridescent like Oh brutal I know you're wearing a fanny bag I can tell from your face You're wearing those finger shoes Yeah he's got he's going to do it a finger shoe

I hate those No I'm not going to go to the Eagles concert with you It's not happening Yeah I don't need to see Rush Yeah the Neil Diamond cover man I don't think I can make it I don't think I can get there by 430. Okay, so we talked about all kinds of shit.

Okay. We were just being hilarious. I love your energy. This is very, like, fun, but not, like, I do mostly stand-up comics podcast, and it's just this, like, it's fatherless behavior. It doesn't feel fatherless. I love that. Nice, warm, warm energy in here.

Easy fun. Well, I said it a little bit in the beginning, but I do want to mention this. Like, I love. you're a comedy and I've like looked up to you for a very long time so I'm honored that you came on the show come on I wish I had said that in the beginning but you're too busy laughing um but I do like you've been in the game for a while and you're such a pillar especially for female comics like in the industry so I'm so curious as someone I'm just a silly bitch on the internet but for people especially women who want to like do stand up and like maybe are afraid because I like you said you've gotten a lot

of like shit from men especially with your type of comedy which is it challenges a lot of things I think that's why men get so fucking angry because they feel so called out by you. But as someone who's been going through it and still succeeding and still doing it, what's your best piece of advice for women who want to come up and stand up? Especially now.

I know it's like shifted drastically. Oh, God. Suck every dick. It'll open a door. No, it's actually that I mean, a big thing I think is if you're really serious about being in comedy, don't date comics. Don't date comics.

And I'm sure it seems like, oh, we'll write jokes together. this up like there's no way no offense that you're gonna end up together and you're gonna end up like just don't shit where you eat regardless I think that's like a main thing for like women in any business like don't date your co-worker like it's just work is already hard like you're just don't

want to add another complication to your workplace like resist the urge I know most women are like oh we don't have trouble resisting male comedians that's just you Whitney like but whatever just like stay away from that if at all possible I think that's like good at all I think also just like figuring out who you

are I think when you start you're kind of like I'm like this comedian or I'm like this person. Just like who are you? So it's like doing things that aren't just comedy centric. I think we're all so like, you know, want to make it so bad and we're so ambitious. I'm getting so serious that we forget sometimes like in order for art to imitate life. You have to have a life.

So if you're like, I need to stay like if you're working all the time, the only thing you have to talk about is work. That's true. You know, and so like be an interesting person. Like, you know, go to that concert. Like go do that thing.

Go make those mistakes. Yeah. Like go on a bunch of bad dates with people that you don't think you would ever end up with for the stories you know what I mean it's like a good way for I think people that are really ambitious to go like actually live a life so that you actually have something to talk about and you yeah relatable to people that was a huge mistake that I made like when I first started I was like in front my computer all day like what's funny about being on a computer all day like I had no you know life life experience to pull from totally because I think that we're so like I just want to like work 24

seven and grind 24 seven yeah sometimes the best thing you can do is like have a balanced life that's where the best like material comes from totally like just chill out and it's also I think that it's it's like I had this like stress of like I had to make it so fast like you only get better as a comic you know like the men don't really have that stress they just like they're like oh we're like why and we just get better as we get older and smarter and more experience like yeah it's the same with women too yeah that was gonna i was gonna ask you about that too because I was so curious like how existing in this space as like as a female comic too if if it's been like do you find it a lot easier now existing around because obviously you have to you feel like

you have to prove yourself all the time especially as women you always have to do it because then even if you've made it a lot I've done six specials now I have to keep doing things to prove that that wasn't all just handed to me or that it wasn't just an accident totally you know you have to like a fluke and that I haven't like lost it yeah I'm not like out of touch

now like you always have to be proving something and I think that especially if you want to be great you should always be insecure about how good you are because you're going to be comparing yourself to the people above you so for me it's like I don't you could just keep getting better yeah I'm comparing myself to Chappelle every day yeah do what I mean so it's like don't compare yourself

to people that are going to keep you mediocre, period. You know? And then also it's like when you get known and you get famous and you start selling tickets, number one, it used to be like I would go on stage and it was like, well, they only paid $10 to come in and see all these unknown comics. Now they paid $80 to come see me. You specifically. They got a babysitter and they got parking and they have to pay for due drinks.

So it's like, they're like, I spent $300 on this bitch. This better be funny. You know, or they're like, oh, I got to hear what all the hype's about or that bar is that much higher for you. It just keeps getting raised. Totally. So the pressure is never going to be. gone.

Yeah. You know, like it definitely gets more fun in a lot of ways. Like sometimes audiences will give you a little more of a benefit of the doubt. Yeah. But when you miss, they're kind of like, how could you miss? Like the stage and it's even worse. You know what you're more embarrassing? Or people are rooting against you because, you know, that people love nothing more than

to build people up just to watch them fail. Yeah. You know. Yeah. So a lot of times people are like, let's just make this harder for her. Yeah. You know? I think, too, like, I admire stand up so much.

And I feel like it's such a uniquely terrifying art form. to me because it's just I love making people laugh. So that's why I love stand up so much. It's like, because I love laughing, obviously. So I admire you for being around, not only for this long, but like also just at the success that you've had, not just on your specials, but also on your roast. Like that's what a lot of people know you for too, which that's how I found you initially because you were my faith on all the daises that I watched.

You're so sweet. I love watching it be mean to men. And I think that something about this is like specifically and after meeting you, I believe this even more strongly is like no matter how rough you are or critical you are as a stand-up or a thinker or a podcaster or rooster or content creator I've always tried to lead from love and I know that sounds dorky yeah but if you're going like I like and you're coming from a place of like you just made fun of people's looks so this is a fair fight if you always make sure it's like a fair fight on some level I think you're always going to win totally and if you're not coming from a place of like hate or

negativity yeah like you have a warmth to you yeah you like have a warmth to you and I think that that's a really important thing to kind of like because like people will never remember what you said but they'll remember like how they felt when they were watching totally you know what I mean absolutely and they're like I want to hang out with that person yeah that's how I feel about you and you have this too you're like I want to hang out with her and I know that's a ridiculous maybe a hard thing to apply but yeah sometimes now when I'm writing I'm like ah that's very funny yeah it's just too mean you know what I mean yeah and also you have to update your software and yourself you're not allowed to be at insecure at a certain stage because I still feel like some days I'm like oh I'm just this like open

mic or like I'm just this whatever whatever other people don't see me that way. So I can't pull off the same material I could pull off before. Do you know what I mean? So when you get more successful, you have to like update your software and you don't get to be so humble that you're out of touch with yourself. Yeah. And you can't pull things off and you come off meaner than you are. That's so real.

Do you know what I mean? Because like it was really cute when you were an underdog. Yeah. But now it's kind of like. You can't really do that anymore. Totally. As you get, especially when you, because as you rise up, you get more access to things, which would be even less of an excuse. Totally.

To continue to like be mean. for sport, as opposed for being funny. Completely. Yeah. And then people see you like sort of a certain way. You know, I live in Hollywood. I've done television shows. People think I eat babies.

So I can't, I got to watch it on the eating babies show. Because people already think I do that. Yeah. And you, it's just evolving too. Totally. As a comic, as like a public person. It's like you get better with time as you evolve. And also comedy's fashion.

Yeah. You know, it goes in and out. What was funny yesterday might not be funny today because so many things change, you know? It's like, you know, I just mean like, it's an example of like you have to really be flexible. Totally. Ego-less with just going like, I'm going to drop that. Maybe it'll come back later. Yeah.

And there's no harm in doing that either. Because if you're actually really good and really funny, your material can update with you. And if you're really in it to be like, I want to make someone's day. Yeah. I'm not in it to be like, well, I wrote this. No, I have to go say it. It's like, no, no, no. You were in this to make someone's day.

Totally. And to basically like mind-meld a bunch of people in a room so that life got a little more. tolerable for like two hours. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not trying to hurt people. I do think it's interesting to go like, oh, I want to like challenge people.

I want people to have to like look at their own beliefs. Because like if there are certain jokes that like some of the audience loves and some of them is like groans, you're kind of like there's something interesting here. Yeah. Like this could there's like, but you still have to pat it with things that are just going to make people laugh. Yeah. But I think if you're like signing up to make people uncomfortable or like like, like be sadistic

about it. Yeah. Like just look at your mother's. You're not going to make it as like a legend, a legendary comment. Totally. Because then you're also going to be way more okay with the negative feedback you're going to get, which you're going to get, man, woman, old, young, whatever. And then when someone says something negative to me on the internet,

I know what happens when I judge someone else. When I'm like, oh, well, I'm doing it to make myself feel better. I had to, like, ding another person in order to feel some self-righteous indignation or superiority. Yeah. Because I'm so insecure. So when someone's mean to me, I'm like, oh, I just made your day by you making me your punching bag. Like, I didn't sign up for exactly how I was going to make your day. Like I would love to have made you laugh.

Yeah. But I made you judge me. So like, great. I got to be that for you today. Yeah. Some days you're going to love me. Some days you're going to hate me. I can't control which one it's going to be when and by who.

Yeah. So as long as you're kind of okay with being super polarizing, that's when I think as a female comic or you're really able to be like, okay, I can do this. Yeah. Absolutely. My friend Caleb told me to, like, one of his things was like he and he appreciates comics who adapt the material and don't have an ego embedded in the material. because he was saying like if like it doesn't hit it doesn't hit for whatever reason even if you thought it was awesome yeah

you're not really you're not writing the joke for you you're writing it for other people it's it's a total collaboration with the audience you know and he was like a truly great comic like feels like and adapts as they go totally like and he's like i think that's why people like you and other other comics that i love too caleb's one of them um like truly make people laugh so hard and then also it's like it makes it easier almost to like tell joke that could be, could be offensive or have offensive material embedded in it. Yeah. There's a way to do it in a way that's not denigrating. You're also, that that is a really important point. Yeah. It's that if you're trying to, if you have like, if you're 70% there on a premise that is upsetting to people, makes people grown, like, you've got to keep chiseling at it

to say it in a smart enough way that it does make people laugh. And the audience is never wrong. Yeah. I mean? Yeah, totally. The audience is always right. The audience is always just trying to help you get it right. Yeah.

That's the way that I look at. that's such a good way of looking at it because I'm like you're right I don't have it yet yeah I don't it's not in the right order yeah I'm gonna come back tomorrow night and then just go like the audience sucks and they're against me it's like no one shows up at a comedy club and doesn't want to laugh no one pays money and it's like I want to be miss like they're rooting for you yeah they're they want you to make them laugh but so that's like getting on stage even like in little ways like just leading with love going like I love this audience you guys love like we're in this together whereas I used to go on stage and it was very combative

with the audience I think being a woman when I started was like slightly different yeah totally go to war But now if you just go like this audience wants me to win Like this is a collaboration like we're gonna get through this totally It's gonna be a little better experience Yeah there was a bit in my friend's set that he's I watched him perform it live and it was so funny And I don't want to say it because I don't want to ruin it because he's gonna do it somewhere else soon Yeah, but he he told me he's like that bit took me a while to like get to a point

Yeah Because there are topics in it that are hard to talk about and he was like it took me a while to like Mold it to a way that everybody's laughing yeah and he's like because when I was first doing it It was just, it was grown, everyone was offended and upset. And this is, I could think also, it's like, this is going to sound like old, old head over here. But it's like also like there's no rush like to put something online and to be public about it yet. Like there's no way you're good yet in the beginning. There's no way.

How could you be? If you have one great set, great. But like don't, you're going to make it. Like have faith in yourself. Totally. That you're going to make it. Wait six months. Yeah.

Just work on that thing six more months. It's only going to get better. There's no way it's going to get worse. Yeah. And this whole rush to like, you know, like, feed this beast. If I got to put something out, like, you can never make it too late as a comedian. My biggest regret is that I got seen too early before I was ready. Yeah, and especially if you're a woman, you're like a novelty and people like in the business are going to want to see you.

Yeah. But like don't let people see you before you're ready and know who you are because then you're going to get the opportunity that you maybe don't necessarily want or will have outgrown in a couple years. You know, so like I did a sitcom that was like based on who I was at the time. Yeah. And I was changing so much as a person two years later. I'm like, I don't even know who the character is anymore. You know what I mean? But I'm like stuck in this thing.

I wish I had done this in like five years when I actually knew who I was. You're going to have more longevity if you're not in a rush. Totally. And he told me it took him like six to eight months to like really perfect it. That's awesome. And he was like and I took my time because I really wanted it to work. But I was trusting that the audience was going to tell me what wasn't working and what was. Yeah.

So he's like, so I just adapted it. Like I edited it. Which also Godspeed, if you're starting to be a comedian right now at a time where everyone in the audience is on drugs. I mean, everyone is on drugs. I don't even know. Especially in L.A. Yeah, if you bomb on stage, I think you're probably a brilliant comedian and everyone is just on edibles and mushrooms. Like, I do not know how to even start at this point.

Because everyone is on drugs. I know. And he's been in the game. I think he's at eight years. He's been doing it for eight years. So he was like. Yeah, I think we need to make weed illegal again in California. This was a huge mistake.

It's gone too far. This is a nightmare. We hardly got here. Am I wrong? At what cost? At what cost. Everyone's one that they fentanyls in the water. Like, it's just like a mess. It is. I talked to animal control recently because I had a raccoon in my yard that was like acting very weird. And this is so L.A. I was like, there's a raccoon in my tree. It's acting weird. She was like, yeah, that's where they live.

Oh, okay. I was like, okay. No, it's. I'm glad I called a professional. I wasn't sure. And I was like, yeah, because a lot of people in L.A., they are testing their cocaine for fentanyl. And if it test positive, they flush it down the toilet. So there's fentanyl in the water. and the coyotes and the raccoons are acting really weird. It's like sick. Yeah, and that lady, Michelle Obama. So the zombie apocalypse you're so worried about is here. It's just starting with raccoons and coyotes.

I got a gun, so don't worry about it. Is that I never know how to answer this question about advice for stand-ups, but. No, it was wonderful advice. You're kidding. Get on only fans, make a sex tape. Like, honestly, do want to be successful or respected? I guess you do have to figure that out in the beginning. Don't do anything too distracting.

You know what I mean? And I'm not saying like, like, neuter yourself or, you know, dress like your, you know, R-E-I lesbians over here. Yeah. I'm saying you can just. My team. My team. You don't, yeah, exactly. You just don't have to look like a fucking pirate on stage either.

Because it's confusing. I finally have to- And what if it's just theater? Then you turn it into like. The theater? You turn like the stand-up bit. Your dress is a pirate. Okay, yeah.

Then you turn it into live theater. They think they're watching stand-up. you start singing I would sue you if I signed up to go watch someone like speak the truth you start doing interactive and then you started like doing jazz hands and I would sue you

for emotional terrorism interactive theater but like I do think that that's one thing and then I always feel like coming off like sexist when I say stuff like this when a girl comes off stage and she did like well but should have done better she'd have any advice I'm like lose the necklace lose the earrings it's just

just humans can't watch something. Also, you have all these lights on you and like all I just. It's very bright. Totally. That makes a lot of sense. That's why they wear very neutral things. It's just like a small little thing that like no one knows to tell people or. That's actually good advice.

Yeah. It's like I made a lot of like wardrobe mistakes. Yeah. Like don't wear heels on stage. You're gonna be limited. You're gonna be worried about tea. And then everyone gets worried about you. Yeah.

So they're getting distracted from the material. Yes. We're due for an earthquake in California. No heels on stage. But like it's like little things like that that I think make a really big difference. And honestly, I'm inclined to believe you because you're alleged. Skip the trip to Clairs before getting on stage.

Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. You're a legend. I'm like, I'm just a big fan. Congratulations. I love this. I love this. I appreciate you coming on the show and sharing your wisdom with us. I hope that was helpful.

I feel like that was fucking boring as shit. It was very helpful. It was helpful for me. If you only help, helped one of us also just like work harder than anyone i'm dead serious yeah in comedy if you write two hours a day you're already like an hour and 50 minutes ahead of the biggest comedian just like work really hard yeah that's one thing that's cool about comedy is the amount of work you put into it you can actually get out of it that's so but it takes a while yeah it takes a

minute and if you're like unless you're just unbelievably talented like you that's very nice i'm gonna receive that. Thank you. I can literally see it really hard going down below the brain. I know. Well, I was told recently that when I'm self-deprecating, I'm setting a bad example. For who? That's a great question.

So I'm trying to not be like, like, disagree with you. I'm a legend. Well, period. I said it. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Where can everybody find you? Sarah Silverman. net.

Whitneycomys.com. I'm about to do a big tour this year. And then I'm forcing her to come on my podcast. And I will. And I'll be there. Blackmailed you into it. And we'll be calling your prom date. Yeah.

I'm getting his number. Please let my family go. I did everything you asked. Yeah. Totally. And then wherever, wherever, wherever, I don't know, Google. Reddit, there's some wild threads. Oh, you and me both.

They hate me on Reddit. They have my face on wanted posters all over that fucking website. Oh, they hate me over there, girl. But isn't that their thing? Yeah, I think they hate both of us over there probably. What's the female Reddit? Sephora.com? Honestly, I don't know.

Do we have a Reddit? I don't think so. I guess it's just in person. Yeah. It's like the bathroom at the club. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like when you and your friend jump out of the group chat and start a new chat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. And then you accidentally text the old chat about how annoying. I've never done that before. Thank you all so much for joining us on this episode of the comments section show. Make sure y' all go follow Whitney literally everywhere. I know you all know who she is. She's a fucking icon, living legend.

So thank you all for joining us on this episode. Don't forget new episodes of the comment section drop every Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms, but the video lives for free and exclusively on our favorite episode, Spotify. Or favorite platform, Spotify. She just had an episode. This is a mini one. Thank you all so much for joining us.

Thank you to my amazing guest, Whitney Cummings, and I'll see you next week. Bye!