The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - I ONLY TELL JOKES AND TRUTHS Ft. Caleb Hearon | Drew Afualo | THE COMMENT SECTION EP 69

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

[video available on Spotify] This week, comedian Caleb Hearon joins Drew on the show for an episode that you'll be quoting for MONTHS to come. They talk about the weaponization of fatphobia, accidentally joining a Facebook group that bullies snakes, haggling with rich Beverly Hills women for a used couch, why Caleb is "Midwestern Aunt-pilled", lying to help propagate your worldview, and so much more! Drew: https://linktr.ee/drewafualo Caleb: IG / TikTok Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know what I'm thinking of? The chance, the rapper song where it goes, How great is our God? And Dram is on it? No. Well, obviously, this is embarrassing. It has to be cut. Well, you know, obviously I'd rather die than keep talking about that.

Everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the comments section show starring me, Drew, and once again, nobody cares about me anymore. Ever since we became Spotify exclusive and all my guests are, even more amazing. And today is no exception. We have the one, the only Caleb Heron. Now, I'm glad that you finally like gay people on the show. That's all my show is. Yeah, but I mean, you know, in a way, I'm the first one.

In a way. How's it going? In a way. It's going wonderful. I'm so happy to be here. I'm such a fan of yours. I'm so happy to have you. You know this.

One of the funniest people I've ever met. You know, all I do is... It gives me no pleasure to admit that. But it is true. All I do is, can I curse on here? Yeah, of course. Thank God. Well, all I do is run around talking about how much I love you.

It sounds fair. funny. Same. So here we are. I sing your praises everywhere I go. Well, look at us. And thank you. Who wouldn't? And the checks come on time, don't they? And it's paid back exponentially. And I pay. We've known each other online for a minute out before we got to record together. I want to say it's been 25 years. At least. At least. Minimum. And you haven't aged a bit. And we're both 14, so figure that out. Figure that out. Do enough on that. I love being 14. It's different. Same. It's very different. Because at 13, I don't think I knew the world. And at 14, I feel like I

run it? I became a woman. Yeah. First blood. She's at her blood. Yeah, obviously I became a woman. You took the words out of my mouth. There you go. I'm such a fan. Caleb is an extremely hilarious and successful comedian.

How long have you been in the stand-up world? Well, God. I started doing comedy when I was, I mean, technically, I guess, like 19 or 20. so it's been like, it's been like eight years now. Oh, how old are you? 28? I'm 28. Oh my God, I'm 2028 this year.

Oh my God. I have so much to tell you. About what I'm in for? Yeah. In the next three or four, wait, how long is it? Me not knowing math? Four months. Four months.

My birthday's in September. Well, I don't want you to start saying. I don't want you to be scared. Okay. But you're in for a rude awakening. I'm, I'm, something changed when I turned, when I was like 20 through like, I guess, up until I was like 28 really my whole 20s before this I wanted to be I don't know my

intentions were so something changed on a dime I was like I want to be like I want to be everywhere I want to be with everyone I want to be seen I want to be somebody and now all I want to do is sit on a porch and visit I feel you I'm getting like Midwestern aunt pill that's crazy I feel you so hard I'm honestly so uh old mentally but for me I think about it in the sense of like sometimes people ask me like oh like what's the nightlife like like where you live and I was like there is no nightlife where I live yeah as it should be yeah I I'm I hear noise outside past nine that's coyotes bitch I'm writing in the next door app I'm like did anyone hear that like an old person gunshots question mark question mark and they're like no that's raccoons in the trash and I'm like okay

guys and I'm like hey just so you guys know I heard something outside like I'm being one of those Yeah. You're on Nextdoor doing the old woman thing. And I love that. That's one of my favorite apps. Next door. If you have a next door. I'm not on there. Girl, you should join it. What's going on there? That's where old people go to bitch and moan and congregate.

Like, I just, I can't get enough of it. I literally get alerts. I don't have alerts for any app, but I have them for that. I'm surprised to hear that you're on there because when I hear next door, I'm not on there. But when I think of it, I think, oh, the app where old white people go to pretend that they're cops. Yeah, that's part of it. And but you're policing right along with them. I'm just in there. I'm anonymous.

I'm a fly in the wall. I'm just observing. Okay. But I watch them like, they like fight. Like they'll like beef with each other on there. Yeah. I watched this one guy go, watch out. Like that was the caption.

Have to click on it. Yeah. Click, right? Open it up. Little paragraph. He's describing. He's like, there's like at a vulture flying around. My dude's like 2 p.m. on a Tuesday.

Doubt it. Doubtful. But. But I have to stay tuned to find out. So then he's like, don't worry. I attached a picture. The picture taken from, I think, a toaster, but from at least, at least 100 yards away.

It's like this big, it's blurry as hell. Yeah. It's like lower than whatever, like, the iPhone 3 was. It's like before, it's like early generation. It's like a Nokia brick. Yeah. And someone writes under, you can't even tell what that is. That's it.

I'm adding the inflection, but that's how I would have read it. Yeah. That was my post. Yeah. Then he goes, I'm just trying to help. And then someone says, if you want to help, get a better phone. I'm not even talking about the whole trip. Hear them out.

Listen, he made a valid point. I used to, when I first started out in comedy, I joined a bunch of random Facebook groups that had nothing to do with me. And I joined one. I found one one one time called snake owners, parentheses, nice people only. And I was like, I got to investigate, right? Specific. So I joined the group. And then I scrolled way back to figure out, like, what is the genesis of this group?

and I found out the truth, the T, which is that there used to be a group just called snake owners. And what was happening was, people were posting their snake and being like, look at my snake. And then people were commenting like, ugly. Fat. Troll.

People were being like, ugly, bad markings. And so. They're body shaming your snake. They're body shaming the snake. And so they're being fat phobic towards the snake. And then so someone was like, I've had enough. It's time for nice people. And so they started snake owners, nice people only.

And then one day, the group was going up about Simone Biles. They were like, Simone Biles, Simone Biles, oh my God, I'm so proud of Simone Biles. And so I'm thinking like, Simone Biles did something incredible with the Olympics and other big win for black women. Like, I'm thinking she did something for the culture. Greatest athlete of all time. Greatest athlete of all time. I'm thinking like, okay, Simone Biles did it again. Yeah.

And then I get in the comments and find out she bought a snake. And they're like, she's one of us. And they were like huge for representation. And I was like, we're like, hold on. Well, it's gone a little far. The bits gone a little far. This is too much. And they meant it.

And they meant that. So Simone Biles, if you're out there, girl, I hope your snake is okay. There's a bunch of people rooting for you. And snake owners only, nice people. Nice people. Nice people. Only. I think the only Facebook group I ever joined.

Well, that I can remember was right out of college I played, you know, I'm broke and I don't want to get a regular job. Oh, no. So naturally, I turned to cosplay. That was a joke to my fellow. cosplays, that was a joke. I understand it's for funsies. I did it for money though. Yeah. So I Moana, the movie had just come out, so

I decided to be Moana because I was like, might as well. If I'm going to be stereotyped, I'm going to do it for money. So I got added to like a children's birthday, like character group. And it's literally, I joined it because I was like, oh, maybe I'll find

like parents who are looking for characters or whatever. There's nothing about people trying to sell used party shit in there. I'm like, they're like, hey, I have like three lightly used chairs. And I look and they look like they've been ran over several times. And then they're like $20.O. Yeah. And that's all it was. I'm like, why am I even in this group? And then some people would be like, I'll give you seven. And he's like, the price says 20. Like, they're just like arguing with each. It's like Facebook marketplace. Yeah. But inside a group. Don't put OBO if you don't want B.O.

I'm saying seven's B. You said OBO. Right. So I like how it's just hard out the gate. He's like seven. Take it or leave it. Yeah. I was trying to buy a couch on offer up. Yeah. Because rich people in Beverly Hills will put up their their really nice couches for like, they'll put it up for like 800 bucks and $7,000 couch.

They're like, I just wanted out of the pool house, you know? And this woman had a couch on there. It was a very nice couch. I knew the brand and it was like, she had it for 800. And I messaged her and I was like, hey, I'll give you $600 for it. I'll come pick it up today. Yeah.

And this is when I had moved into a new place. And she messaged me back and she was like, hi, so incredibly offensive. this couch is worth blah blah blah and it's only been up for three weeks so like obviously I'm in a hold firm on the price and I was like oh okay I don't know what's it's 90210s the zip code bitch so if you need $200 on the couch you need to talk to someone other than me I don't know I think you have a bigger problem yeah I'm like just give me the couch for 600 obviously I'm like a struggling artist what are you hard for the $200 girl you need that money

oh it's in the pool house you're good light we use I she's like I just don't like it anymore Truly, there's nothing wrong with it. It just says, I just don't like it anymore. I love rich people. I think everything they do is iconic. I love the way they behave. At the end of the day, it's almost always camp when they do things like that. Rich people are always came out because they're just so fun.

Like I love, and rich people also don't know why we hate them. So they'll just be like, well, if we pay the workers what they're worth, we won't make as much money. And they'll just say that kind of shit out loud. Like they say that. And I love it. I'm like, that's hilarious. You really belong in jail. You're so funny.

You're like actually a criminal. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. If I ever come to power, you're dead. I love how they. Yeah, they just don't care. They're like, at this point, like, there are some celebrities that I'm like, if I could reach that level of delusion, I think I'd need to be in a hospital.

I would hospitalize you. Yeah, I'm keeping watch. That's okay. I'm keeping watch. It's kind of like how, well, maybe I'll see if I want to keep this in. but it's kind of like how J-Lo is like universally hated on the internet what is that but according to her not at all nobody hates her yeah and you know what that's camp like okay

yeah work bitch I mean well in a similar I know why everybody hates you but you don't you're really the only person that should know so I guess here we are Pemdos cancels out I guess Pimdoss and then you carry the one and it's I'm universally love she's like well what if I just didn't choose to believe that yeah this is how I cured my depression, by the way. This is a very similar thing. I was so depressed when I was in my early 20s. I couldn't, you know, I was like, oh, I want to die. I want to die. I was so depressed. You guys know how depression is. And if you're out there and you're struggling, I don't know what's to tell you what I'll tell you what works for me. And that's every time I hear something that

depresses me, I just go, that's not true. Like when someone brings up climate change, I go, the climate's fine. And it really works. Gaslight. Gaslight yourself. Every day. I hear something depressing and I go, that's incorrect. I simply choose not to accept them. I'm happy as a clam. Just lie. Please lie. At the end of the day, I love to lie. Delusion. When we went to Coachella this year, my boyfriend's brother came with us and he's visiting. Like he doesn't live here. So he was like super fired up. He's never been to Coachella. And we took him and we walked past somebody and someone was like, oh my gosh, like to him. And they were like, are you, they asked him, are you, are you Burrow and then he goes no and then he goes oh you look like him and then they're just looking at each other and then he goes well

I'm not so so so and he was like okay like he was super like and like walked off and then one of our friends like one of brenny's friends Katie she like took a picture of like him like Billy's brother like kind of like the corner of his face and then she was like oh my god guys Joe burrow standing next to me like in VIP and all these people were like oh my god no way she guys, I just love to lie. Yeah. It's great. I love to lie. Lying is great because it helps to propagate my worldview.

There you go. You know, so I say, I just lie about things. Like, I'll be like, oh, they did a scientific study that fat guys are better lovers. You know, I'll just say things like this. And who's to say it's not true? By the way. Exactly correct. Also, you brought up your boyfriend.

And I wonder, do your fans know, when you hang out with Drew, you're just going to walk into a room with like seven of sexiest people you've ever seen the fucking wife. The boyfriend, the sister, the mom. It really is like Drew's family. It really is like you walk in the hairstylist, you're,

Adam, yeah. You just walk in the room and you're like, well, I better be getting late. Everyone in here's gorgeous. One of these bitches is gonna fuck me. Drew's beat to death. You know,

it's just like everyone in here's sexy and I walk in like a stained Carhart T-T-shirt. And I'm like, I'm like, who let me? Security should take me out of here. I'm gonna 51 50 you

51 50 at that part yeah I know sometimes when people meet my boyfriend and I they don't realize because you're really tall Caleb's super tall and I like every time they see us

they're like I thought you were like kidding about being tall and I was like I may tell a joke but I never tell a lie unless I lie then that's me lying and then I'm lying and then I'm lying

and then in that case I am lying it's all jokes and truth until I lie and then it's a lie and right dumb. And I've always said that. And I've been saying that. I've been saying that for like years.

I want to say since like the 90s. Yeah. I've been saying it's all truth and jokes until it's lies and then I'm lying. I was just talking about this on my podcast with my sister, but I did like some work stuff. And I was working with another man. And he's he's probably just barely shorter than me. Like he's probably like 510, 5.11 because I'm six feet tall. And so when we're being, we're being filmed.

for like commercial type stuff. And so they want us to be kind of the same height. And so when I was getting styled for it, and I was like, just you guys know I'm tall. So like if that matters optics-wise, like you might want to give me a flat shoe or something. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, for sure. And then they didn't give me a flat shoe.

They gave me like heels, like healed boots that are kind of tall. So I end up being like 6-2, 6-3. And then when I got there to this shoot, they were like, oh, you meant like tall. And I was like, yeah, yeah. So they had to have someone go and buy me a flatter pair of shoes. Yeah. Like I was wearing like eighth grade promotion heels, bitch.

Like, you know, there's like half, a quarter, 12th of an inch. A church, yeah. Easter Sunday. Yeah. He has risen type shoes. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I had on. Because I was so tall that it just, it, we look like twins.

They had to put you in the How Great is Our God 11? Yeah. They had to throw you By the way That's the name of that song Right oceans Do you know that song? Oceans

What's the name of that song They always play it at Lake Hill song Is it oceans? Look it up I'm thinking of You know what I'm thinking of The chance The rapper song where it goes

How great is our God And Dram is on it? No Well obviously this is embarrassing It has to be cut You know obviously I'd rather die Than keep talking about that I've been watching Chance to Rapper a lot on The Voice.

Do you watch The Voice? No. I don't watch a lot of TV. I did not know he was on the voice. Yeah, he was on the voice this season. I like him. I think I'm the only person who's been watching this season, but it's great. Yeah.

It's just me by myself. It's you alone. Yeah, I'm doing promo for them and they haven't hired me. Yeah. That's crazy. I lived in Chicago right after Acid Rap came out. Oh, I love Acid Rap. So great.

I had it on SoundCloud because I was too much. of a brokie to have a Spotify. Now I have a Spotify. Congratulations. Oh my god, thank you so much. That's huge. I really love Spotify. Me too. You mean both. They're doing incredibly good work. Far superior to other music carriers. But you know what we don't like? Fat phobia. Speak for yourself. Oh my God. Okay. So, okay, hold on. Wait, hold on really quickly. because my sister actually reminded me before we move on, I have two things I want to say to you. First one, the first TikTok I ever saw of you

that made me laugh so hard I peed a little bit was when you were saying how people always comment on your weight. They're like, what you said in the video, what you need to remember is that my life is better than yours. Period. And it always will be... Period.

I could gain... I could lose weight. I could gain more weight. And I would still be infinitely happier than you. Bitch, I could go Brendan Fraser in the whale mode. I could be, I could be scooting myself around with a little thing and you would still not have the life I have. Believe that. Believe it.

Men on the internet? Come on. This is the, this is the thing about men on the internet who want to report to me that I'm fat. Yeah. They like to tell me that I'm fat. First of all, duh, it's like my whole career. I own a house because of it, bitch. Like, that's point number one.

And believe that. And believe that. And number two, they love to do it. They love to tell you like they're just reporting the news. You know what I mean? Like it's like, I'm just, this is just the facts. And it's like, okay. So then when I talk about the fact that you wish you were a comedian, which I am, and you don't even make the people at your part-time job laugh, then we don't care about journalistic integrity anymore.

No, all of a sudden. The truth telling is off the table. So what happened there? Then it's just mean. Well, then it's hateful. I can't bring up that you're 5'4. Now I'm in trouble. You're telling me, bitch.

So what's, yeah, I just, that's why I love your stuff so much is because, well, I love you for a lot of reasons. And one of, I mean, your content is obviously so specific. scientifically delightful to people who have ever had to deal with these kind of dudes. But also, like, I mean, you know, we don't have to go super far into it because I don't want to get us off topic. But the thing I love about you is that you treat these guys the way that they treat us. Yeah. And also, I think you convinced or, like, taught a lot of people on the internet that, like, there are people out there like us who are women and queer people and people of color. And we exist in bodies that are not size zeros.

And we're not losers. Yeah. The portrayal in the media of people who are not thin as losers, there is not a single part of my life that you could look at and go, loser. Yeah. But these guys would love for you to believe it. Yeah, they do. It's like the, speaking of gaslight, like that's like the biggest gaslight ever is that I'm convincing that, like, the world are trying to convince people that they'll never truly be happy unless their body looks a certain way.

Yeah. Which I'm like, I don't have time to be looking at this money, man. I'm too busy collecting a check off that back knee-filled back, bitch. let me tell you something I'm busy I don't have time your back's looking like the surface of Mars and you want to talk to me

about looks you want to talk to me about being fat also I the number of those kind of guys who come to me and act like I don't get laid that's crazy first of all I'm your friend

let's start there ask him your best friend go ahead and ask him he's DL on Grindr and we've been together okay that's number one we're going steady

we're going steady he pinned me We're going to the sock hop Me and him were an item We go together I wear in his letterman's jacket I wear his letterman's jacket Yeah I ride on the back of his bicycle like this

I got a little helmet on Your face facing this way I'm holding his waist bitch He writes love songs about me And you write love songs about him Because that's the other secret Is these guys are all in love with their friends Girl

They hate women They really do They hate women They absolutely do I talked about this with Bob the drag queen But I saw these two horrible men like horrible horrible horrible talking about um how disgusting they thought it was to like um

eat pussy like they oh i love when they do that these are two allegedly straight men yeah really homophobic men transphobic and then they're like so disgusting like vaginas are so gross yack and then they're like second dick that's different not that i would know yeah not from experience yeah i'm just assuming yeah because i'm straight It's every day with these straight guys being like, I hate eating pussy, but for $1,000, would I suck a dick? It's like, no one asks. You're inventing scenarios. For a grand?

Now I know things are tough. I said for a grand. For a grand. Now I know it's not looking good. At another zero at least, babe. Negotiate. Love yourself. Not a thousand dollars.

After taxes? By the time you pay the team and the taxes? A thousand dollars net? But there's no team, is there? But there's no team is there. with that guy that someone retweeted it and said I'm being so serious

this is not a joke have either of y'all ever thought about actually sucking a dick for real yeah I think you'd be into it it's a good time I love sucking dick if I have a free minute I'm you know

if I've got a break in my day I look at my schedule I'm not even kidding but sometimes I'll have a day and I'll have two hours in the afternoon and I'll go we should find a dick to suck why not

I could on the way home giving and getting heads you said I could get my steps in give my head By the way. On the way to the next place. And I'll make my next business meeting. I'll be on Zoom.

From the jet to the truck, to the hotel lobby, to the boardroom, to giving head. You know. Busy day. It's a business lady's lifestyle and prerogative. And that's the true definition of a girl boss. The true definition of a girl boss, yeah. I'm hesitant to say that giving head is the definition of a girl boss. That might be more your lane.

Yeah. I think I should probably stay over here. I feel you. But I think, yeah. Yeah. I think men are so easy It's like ridiculously easy to give head anyways It's hard to give head to women

Because you have to be good at it Yeah I could just like stare at a dick long enough And it would ejaculate Yeah If I just like really I've come a couple times since we've been in here Yeah I'm just being in it just

It's so easy for us There you go And it's not like that for people with vaginas It's different It's a whole system It's a skill That's why I'm gay I tried

I tried I chose to be gay I chose to be gay which people do and it is a here's you can choose to be gay and it is a sin

and you know it's just easier this way I thought of the other thing that I wanted to ask and tell you I saw about you was your post when you were in

the new Jurassic Park movie and how they they were interviewing you and they cut from you to watch was it Terry Cruz get out of the car.

Yeah, and he wasn't even dressed up. And he wasn't even in the movie. He wasn't in the movie. He wasn't in the movie. He wasn't dressed up. Now, by the way, this is my first red carpet. I'm in Jurassic World, bitch. And you can write that down as well.

Literally in the movie. Like, actually. Now, is it for 35 seconds? That's nobody's business. But the point is... But you got that sad card, bitch. But I got the sad card. And that's all that matters.

And I am being interviewed about the movie. And, you know, doing Jurassic was so fun because I'm... The director is... was a friend of mine and he let me like name my character and rewrite the scene with him and like really got to work on it in a super cool way. So I'm excited to be on the car but talking about it. And they're of course bringing up POV videos, which I don't like being on the internet. I'm not really even on there that much anymore personally. But they're bringing up the POV videos and I'm being a good

sport about it. And then immediately I watched the video back after I get home that night. And it's like they put me, they put me in a small corner in the bottom being like, yeah. So the new Jurassic movie is like it's really powerful. And then it's Terry Cruz getting out of a car. He's not excited to be there. he's not dressed up he's wearing jeans and a t-shirt bitch and he's not in the movie he wasn't even looking at the camera no and then they were like Terry Cruz just got here they're like announcing him walking him I'm in a suit and tie do you know how embarrassing and so I guess I said earlier there's no point in my life you could point to and go loser a lie when they cut to Terry Cruz

a lie that was again a lie it's all jokes and everything I say is the truth until I tell a lie and then I'm lying yeah that was your very first carpet for like a movie you're in that That was my first car, but I had been in things before that. I had been in a couple of TV shows and stuff, but that was my first film premiere. Oh, cool. Yeah. My very, I was just literally on the way down here. I was talking about how my very first movie premiere I ever walked was for the movie

ambulance. Don't know if anyone saw it. Yeah. I'm trying to think of it. I saw it. It's a Michael Bay movie. Oh, okay. It's based on a true story.

It's basically like two, two guys are like down on their luck. they need money, they commit a robbery, and then they hijack an ambulance, and it has someone in there that got shot, and they're, like, hijacking it, and there's a nurse in there, and she's trying to keep him alive, and, like, supposed to be, like, a, what do you call it, suspenseful? Yeah, it was oldest time. You know, when that happens. Every time I've ever been down on money, I've said, I see an ambulance, and I go, I might. I might hijack that bitch.

Don't tempt me. I might take that and do something with a nurse. It's nice to have a safety net. Yeah. That's my safety net. It's just good to know. Yeah, it's like, if everything went wrong, I can. could always hijack an ambulance.

I'll just turn into Jake Gyllenhaal and I'll just rob a bank. Oh, if I was Jake Gyllenhaal, the way. You'd be wreaking havoc on the world. It wouldn't be robbery. I'll tell you that. I wouldn't be, the only thing I'd be stealing his hearts. If I was Jake Gyllenhaal, I'm actually going to cry because there's a picture of him that's so hot. Do you know the picture?

Did you see Southpaw? Is that what the picture's from? No, I don't even know what that is. Was he in that? Some Jake Gillen. Hall fan. No, that's not what I said. What I'm a fan of is hot guys.

I feel you. I like to see him on the streets. I feel you. I like to see him out walking around. Yeah. He's so hot. I mean, hot guys, as long as they don't speak, it can be so perfect. Yeah.

It's once they open that gob. They start to talk and you go, huh. Oh. No. No. Or, no. Well, I went to, I went to ambulance. and I was really nervous because it was like my first like real red carpet premiere.

And I took my boyfriend. And when I go up like my publicist, like she couldn't come with me. So like they gave me a random person there. And she's like she pulls out, you know, they hold like those little cards with their names on them. Hers was like maybe this big. Don't know how anyone's supposed to see that. But that's okay. It looked like she pulled like a receipt out of her purse and like wrote it down really quick.

And then it was like, here it is. So she's holding it like this. She didn't. So she didn't tell me not to hold my bag or take off my jacket. So I'm just like fully like fully excited. I don't know shit about carpet. So I'm just walking. And she's going like this and she's going, oh, I guess they don't want any. No. Oh, I guess I don't want any. Like she's and she's saying it out loud. Hey, I don't need the updates. Yeah. I can see them go. Yeah. They don't need it. Yeah. So we get and then finally someone, she's like, oh, these people want one like, yeah, take pictures. So I'm like standing there smiling. They take like maybe a couple. Then everyone starts getting. like, like, ooh, like everyone starts setting up. Everyone starts flashing and I'm like, period, right? Like, I'm like, okay, well, now you bitches are awake. No. I turned around and Jason Momoa was next to me.

Yeah. And then they're like, move, bitch. Get out of the way. Hey, hey, hey, move. Move. They're like, what was her name again? Drew, can you move? I can't read your sign, but whatever it says, move.

You're beautiful. Do it over there. So if I ever, if I ever meet. him, I'm going to tell him I have beef with Jason Momoa for two reasons. The first is Aquaman ruined my life for a couple years because he bears a passing

resemblance to my boyfriend. When that movie came out, white people couldn't be stopped. Everywhere my boyfriend ran, they were like, you know who you look like? They were literally like, can I take a picture with you? And they know that's not him. Yeah. They know. Yeah. He's in a 24-hour fitness.

Yeah. Like, that's not him, bitch. It's not Jason Mamoa. No. And they're like, I still want to picture though and he was like okay and my boyfriend hates attention so he was taking pictures all the time then i thought okay i can make this into a bit so when they come up and they're like you know he look you look just like jason mama i go oh my god i get that all the time like i just interrupt and then every time i said that nobody left i would laugh not one person left i would laugh i said damn swinging a miss also here's what i'd like to say to white people and the list is long but i'll keep it short. First of all, hello, it's me, your fellow white. When you find yourself wanting to say,

do you know who you look like to a person of color? Bottle it. Maybe. Keep it in. Don't. Because it's not going to do what you think it's going to do ever, ever, ever. Never. You're going to be wrong. Or you're going to be right and it's going to be like, they know. And it's like, either way, you just as a white person can, you just as a white person can mind your own business. They used to tell my boyfriend he looked like Maui from Moana, which is like so far from the truth. that's not even funny. Yeah. And I was like, well, no.

Then I got mad with that one. I started being like, he doesn't. He's just a big brown guy. And you've never seen a big brown guy. It's all right. You can say it. Correct. It's all right.

White people, we really have to. Y'all, the brand is in trouble. And it's been for a while. Yeah. Your PR team's working overtime, girl. Days and nights. Days and nights, Adderall and Red Bull. They can't get off the phones.

And it's like, all we have to do is shut up. Or speak about. what you know. Yeah. I'll talk about being fat and gay all day long. But when it comes time to talk about issues that affect black people, watch me. That's it. Taking notes.

That's it. Learning. I'm learning while I'm doing the work. And I'm, I'm, um, that's it. I'm doing the work. That's pretty much it. I'm the, yeah, I'm the best white person. There's out that's out there.

But the one thing that you and I have a lot in common is fat phobia in the sense of, being it being used against us. We're perpetuating it all the time. Yeah. Me and you are going out and yelling at fat people all the time. Wait, wasn't your, um, your tour was called glorifying obesity or something? Glorifying obesity too. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm about to do like 20 more cities for that. Do they, do they, um, tell you that on your socials and stuff that you're glorifying obesity? I've heard that. Oh, people love to tell me I'm glorifying obesity. And I just, that argument never makes sense to me.

It, it does. It does to me. I go, I go, yeah, I get, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I guess it is, to me, it's not as big of an insult as they think it is. Yeah. You're glorifying obesity and I go, so you want to be me. I'm glorifying something. You want to be, you're saying, I make it look good.

Yeah. Like, I don't understand. Like, what is even the, I'm glorifying obesity, okay, then gain some weight. If I'm making it look so glorious, gain some weight. Catch up, I guess. You're behind. I don't know. On everything.

Mostly rent, but a lot of other things as well. But mostly back taxes. I mean, yeah, you owe the IRS. before you talk to me. And then you owe me some weight. Yeah, people, the glorifying obesity thing is so funny to me. I mean, all of it is so funny to me. Yeah.

Because I go, I'm good. Same. I'm good. I get people asking me a lot, like, you know, how do you deal with people like calling, especially comments about weight? Like, they're like, how do you not let that bother you? And I was like, it just doesn't. Yeah.

It doesn't bother me when people comment on my weight because I'm just so rich, I guess. I don't know, it's spacious in the belt Yeah, what can I say? In the sprinter, it doesn't really matter. Yeah, they load me in there. They dangle food in front of me and I walk right on. I just roll myself up there. Yeah.

I just, I tell them, I'm like, because nine times out of ten, the men saying that to me are such fuggos, so like it doesn't, when ugly people try to tell me things, I'm like, whatever it is you said, I'm not listening to it. Yeah. I didn't absorb one thing you said. I mean, I will say, look, does it, do I take it to heart ever? No. But I think there is like a, the times that it gets me sad, it does make me deeply sad sometimes.

And the times that it makes me sad, all bits aside, is like, I get sad thinking about the sheer volume of it and the sheer, like, because when you're on the internet, this is why I don't really do the internet much anymore. It's like, not that I, uh, that the comments have. at me, but that I'm just like, I don't really want to participate in this volume of people taking my ideas in any type of way. Yeah, I feel you. I'm kind of, that makes me uncomfortable, but the volume of it, I go, oh, there's so many sad people out there. And what starts to make, what starts to make me sad is not that they think I'm fat or unattractive

or whatever. It's like, I don't care. You're not my target audience for anything, for comedy, for sex, for friendship, for anything. Anything at all. But what makes me sad is that you walk around the world. being so upset and hurt and replaying that trauma on everyone that you come across, that you're just making the world the worst place.

And also that you are hurting the feelings of people who aren't me. Yeah, exactly. Because there are people who you're saying that to in your life that are not confident or doing well or enjoying. Like, it really does. Which is why they ask too, I think, because they're like, if that were me, I wouldn't be able to handle that, which is fair and valid. I don't think many people could, to be honest.

I tell people ever since I started doing this, I'm like, this is not for everyone. Like, specifically, not just like being in the industry of entertainment as a whole, but like being like a social media person is like first is not for everyone. It's not everyone's a cup of tea. It's not what everyone could handle because it's a lot. And that's why I tell people that, well, first off with the fat comments, like fat's not a bad word, which I've told people many times. I'm like, it's an adjective and nothing more. It's not. There's no negative connotation to it to me, so it doesn't hurt me. Like, I took all the power away from it because I understand in unlearning my own fat phobia that it's not a bad thing to be fat. And I saw them. And the tea at the end of the day with men who say shit like that is like they've been taught their whole lives to hate themselves if they look a certain way. And then they see people who look that way or look in a much different way living their lives and they're healthy and happy and in love. and successful, and that drives them crazy.

Because they're like, I've been taught to hate myself this whole time. I kill myself in the gym or whatever it is they do to look a certain way. And I'm still deeply unhappy. And this person doesn't do that and they're happier than me. And I know that's the truth because I process through my own version of it. Yeah. Like as a fat person, you have to process your own fat phobia and your own, I've, when I was 17, 18, and like, you know, trying to lose weight all the time and going on all these diets and not

feeling confident and hating who I was and not feeling like I would ever be attractive or sexy, which was the unattractive and unsexy thing about me at the time, by the way, the thought that I couldn't be. Yeah. When I was in that space, I would look at other fat people who weren't feeling the way I was feeling and go, oh, you're, like, I would be repulsed by that. Yeah. And because of internalized fat phobia, I would be like, ew, the fact that you don't hate the way we are is like, you're not, you're not as smart as I am. You don't see what I see.

Yeah. So the work that I have put in to undo those things in myself that have been given to me by an extremely racist and classist and f*** up misogynistic fatphobic society. That undoing work only makes me more certain that that's what's going on with the people who are still there. Yeah, absolutely.

And it's like it comes from so many different places, but like everything in our society, fat phobia comes from racism. Yep. It's like it comes from racism. White supremacy. White people seeing literal slaves with curvy bodies that were different, that were from different continents and going

oh, that's disgusting because those people aren't human. Yeah. It comes from the dehumanization of people of color. Yeah. And so it's up even more when I see, when I see white people participating in any bad behavior, I go, right. Yeah. That's what white people do.

It's the white prerogative because of white supremacy. Yeah. When I see non-white people engaging in it, when I see non-white people engaging in those things, I go, oh, you can't know. You can't know where this comes from. Yeah, no. You must not be knowledgeable. Well, absolutely.

And I've even had conversations like that before on my takes out. the few times that I'm like not being like, I suck my weener. And I'm like actually trying to like like make valid points. Like those are the videos I get. You're actually kind of smart. I'm like, well, just because I tell people to eat my ass doesn't mean I'm not smart.

But that's besides the point. I've had conversations about how everything is tied together at the end of the day. Like white supremacy, racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, all of that. Every single hateful thing that happens in society can be traced back to the very earliest forms of bigotry at the very like inception of this country and this government

like the world in general and the few times I have said that they're like why do you always bring up race? And I'm like because it fucking matters like plays a huge role and I've talked about how with me and my content like how if I looked a different way

like the things that I say would be received a lot differently than they are because of what I look like and how I'm built and everything and they're always like that's not true. You're just hate it. And I was like, well, that's not entirely true because I've had a white girl in the past. She's

like stolen a lot of my jokes. I had to block her. It was like a year and a half ago. But she like literally was saying the exact same insults like verbatim, my jokes, my laughs, like literally everything she just like did it. Like she just copy and pasted my video into her own way. And every man in there was super supportive. They were like, hey, you know what? Tough but fair. Hey. Yeah. I love a good razz. She got it. At the end of the day, I love a joke. You know what? You got to learn to laugh at yourself.

And for some reason, that courtesy is never extended towards me. And I was like, that's literally, honestly, when that happened, they made me so angry. But at the same time, it made me feel good because it validated me. Like, it proved me right. And I'm a Virgo and I love to be right. Yeah. So. Also, this what you're talking about, this, like, the theft of not only,

content and jokes, which is the theft of writing, but also the theft of persona and personality and cadence and style is a huge problem with the internet. Yeah. Because the internet traffics in Twitter trafficked in a certain version of it and TikTok has taken it to a whole other level. But the internet exists in memes and virality. Yeah. And those are things that can only be, virality is a little different, but memes inherently

require existing source material and shared knowledge. Yeah. And so this problem with the internet that I have a lot of times in terms of comedy is that so much of it's whack and horrible. And the reason that comedy on the internet is so often whack and horrible is because it's almost impossible at times to like build a following or go viral with original content. Yeah. Because while a lot of people lack originality, of course that's like an original sin of it. But then like also the internet like so much of TikTok specifically is like formats and trends and dances and like things that already exist. It's just your take on the source material.

Yeah. And there are people who do it creatively. It's not new. Yeah. Except for your stuff. And you created a whole lane on that app that really is one of the only things that makes that app worth it for me. Oh, thank you. And you created that lane because I think, and I've been telling you to do stand-up.

Yeah. And if they leave this in, I want Drew's fans to tell her to do stand-up because she's a stand-up. Like, she's literally a stand-up comedian. Just go do the thing. Please. But I think the best, in my opinion, the best comedians in the world are the best communicants. And the best communicators, a lot of times people think, oh, that's because they're the best speakers. But I think actually it's because they're the best listeners.

Yeah. And I think the thing that's brilliant about what you do and why people have latched onto it so much is not just the obvious stuff. Like, we like seeing men put in their place. Yeah. That's like the network exec version of it. That's the simplest thing. Yeah. What's really going on is that you are listening better than a lot of people to what these guys are actually saying.

Because what they're saying is you're fat, you're ugly, you're glorifying obesity, you're, your shamoo, whatever the fuck. They're saying to us. Yeah. But if you are listening and not just hearing, what's really going on is the fact that you went out of your way to say that to me on my page, right here, when I'm taking down someone who is actively being hateful and awful, is that you want to keep me in my place. Yeah. And that there's a different thing going on with the levels of power of that. Yeah. That's listening.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's why you're brilliant. Tea, bitch. And if this gets cut, I will kill myself. Because it was a nice compliment. No, that's for sure staying in.

No, that's staying in. I'm keeping that in the final. Keep that in. Thank you. I think, too, like, I've talked about how when they're, like, I wish you would go about it a different way. I wish you would be, you know what I mean, nice or whatever. First of all, I'm like, no real change in this world has ever been brought about by being nice. That's one, especially when you're talking about oppression.

And I was like, but too, like, men like this especially, they don't even really care about what it is. I said. I mean, yeah, they do care to some extent. But the bigger, like, problem and issue they have is that I don't care what they said. Yeah. Like, what they said didn't affect me literally at all. But what I said affected them. And they can't comprehend, like, when they say, like, I would never fuck someone like you.

And then I go, same. And then they're like, what is that supposed to me? Why would you say that to me? What? They're like, I don't want to fuck you, but I can't believe you don't want me to fuck you. Yeah. It's like an entitlement that they have to women. Yeah.

So it's like it's an entitlement to your feelings, your emotions, your thoughts, like everything about you, they feel entitled to. Even who you're attracted to. They're like, I'm never going to be attracted to you, but you have to be attracted to me because I'm a man. Yeah. Wrong. By the way.

Wrong. Incorrect. Untrue. The, the, I don't like the way you go about it thing is like so counterproductive. It's like, why don't you just latch on to the fact and connect with me on the fact that we both want the same thing, which is. If you're truly, if your only issue with me is that you don't like the way I go about something, then let's just agree that we both want the same end goal and be happy because it takes all kinds. Yeah.

One person who I think is exhibiting like such grace in a situation I can't even imagine is Dylan Mulvaney. The way that Dylan processes the level of hate that she receives for absolutely nothing from transphobes who don't deserve to breathe oxygen. Yes, period. The way she handles that with grace and kindness and love I think is so inspiring. number one and number two, it will never be me. I am never going to process someone coming at me with that kind of hatred with kindness. Same. I'm going to fuck you up.

Same. Because I don't relate to that. Same. I just don't want to. Same. And so it's like I respect that and I love it and I have so much admiration for it. Same. But if you want to point out that I'm fat on my page, I'm going to point out that you work at a gas station.

You know what I mean? And it is what it is. Let's just call it even. And there's nothing wrong with that. We both did our best. We did work. Today we both showed up. You clocked in and I clocked in.

And we did what we had to do. At the end of the day, we had fun. And we're still good friends, I hope. I hope we can still say friends after this. I hope every man who's ever insulted me, I hope you know that I love you. And I'm showing you tough love. I don't and I'll make sure you know that.

And when I had Dylan on this show, we talked about that too, where we talked about how like she's kind of like my tether. she's like the good version of me when they extracted good and bad DNA I'm the bad one and she's the good one because we like handle hate in very different ways

but that's why I've told people before when they said like I would never handle it that way then don't I'm not telling you how to handle bigotry I'm showing you how I handle it so how I do it is not up to you but if you feel entitled to that white supremacy

also that's by the way and also that's an extremely fun hypothetical you've created. When you have 8 million followers and the level of, in your processing the level of hate that Drew is processing, give me a call. Let me know. Give me a call. And I've even said to like at that point, it's like, okay, then you have so much to say and so much critique about how I choose to do it.

And what are you doing besides critiquing me? Yeah. That's what I was like, you guys aren't even in the game, but you want to tell me from the stands how to play. Right. That makes no fucking sense. So that's how I'm like, why don't you get in here and do something about it then? If you feel like you have a much better, more efficient and not harmful way of handling it, by all means.

Go handle him. Do it. Lace up the gloves. They're like, well, see, I don't want to make content like that. Oh, then shut the fuck up. How about that? Cool. Glad we're on the same page.

I have a question for you. Sure. Do you ever have a desire to, obviously, like, I hope not in some ways because I'm a fan, but do you ever have a desire to just like shut the phone off, delete the accounts, go off the grid, be done with it? Like, when you, does it ever get you to a place where you're like, I'm actually good on all this? Sometimes, yeah. I think I'd be lying if I said no. Yeah.

I think my goal ultimately is to, like, move into really serious forms of media. The show is one of them. My book is another one. I want to get into like TV and movies. I want to try stand-up. Even though that scares me, I really want to try stand-up. I'm like not afraid to go into a movie, but I am afraid to do stand-up. People are terrified.

It's a uniquely terrifying art. Yeah, it is. But I just have such admiration for stand-up comedians. I love stand-up comedy I always have. So that's why I'm like, I don't want to find out the hard way that I'm not good at that. I'd rather live in ignorance for my whole life than find out I'm not good. I think I might be good at that. I could, maybe.

And I'm not going to find out I'm not. No, I will not. That's so relatable. Yeah. And I think in those ways, like, I think that's why I've tried to prep my audience to, like, as I get more and more busy or move into other people. projects like you guys don't always need me to do this like I feel like I've given you enough tools at this point and you guys are more than capable of doing it without me you guys did it before I'm sure you'll do it after so that's kind of the only time I think to myself like

that would be really nice if I didn't have to make fun of terrible men all the time yeah it's and it's mostly too when I see even like there was like a period last year like every two to four weeks new white guy comes on TikTok dot com downloads it finds me goes like i think i have a really unique take on this bitch and then like she's fat she's ugly and she's so mean which believe it or not i can't even tell you how many videos white men have made about me like that i was saying that exact thing and um when it was like a point in time where i was constantly having it like i had a new guy every other day like making a thousand videos about me tagging me getting hundreds of thousands of comments a day telling me

what a horrible person I was, like talking about my looks, like blah, blah, blah. In those times, I was like, damn, this, like, is exhausting. Having to, like, fight a million little men all at once. Like, it's exhausting having to do it. And having to, like, defend your character all the time from people who don't know you and also are, like, misogynistic. It's just insane. I'm like, why am I arguing with a fucking bigot?

I'm not going to. Like... It's bad faith, too. Yeah. That's the other thing is it's not just arguing. It's arguing with people who are... dead set. Like committed.

Committed on misunderstanding you. Yeah. And the other thing about it, the crazy thing is they will beg for wrath. They will like beg for your contempt. They'll beg for you to be angry with them and mad at them. They'll say the worst shit in the world to you. And then when you give it to them, they're shocked. And so it's a unique form of gaslighting where it's like you, there's no world.

I don't care how stupid you are. And you are. There's no world where you thought saying this to me would elicit any other response. especially you at this point, it's a brand. Yeah, literally. There's no way you thought anything other than when you posted the video of a fat woman working out and were like shirtless and being like, I wouldn't smash. There's no world where you didn't think Drew might find this and fuck you up.

So why are you mad? Some men would tag me in their videos. Like literally they'd tag me and be like, I don't care if you see this and they'd tag me. And then I'd make a video about it. And then they're like, she's such a big account. Why would she talk about me? She's dog piling. She's dog piling.

I love the dog piling accusations. Why would she post me on her public account like that? Well, I don't know. You tagged me. I thought you wanted me to see it. I thought we were having fun. I thought we were besties. It literally is like, I hate that shit.

When someone's like, when on social media, I'll go, I'll go after someone who was really mean to me or someone I like. Oh my God. On Twitter. And they'll be like, all the time on Twitter. Oh, my God. And they'll be like, you're dog piling this small account. And I'm like, yeah, they brought a gun to the party, not me.

Yeah. Yeah, they're getting dog piled. And I hope it's a bad thing for them. Are you kidding? It's funny because no, I don't care. Are you asking me if I care? I don't. I do not.

Oh, I don't. The only thing I care about is when I, when someone's horrible and they have a small account and I quote tweet them into hell or whatever, the only thing I care about is I go, I gave them some clout for the day. Yeah. That bothers me. Yeah. Whether or not they had a bad feeling about it is like, obviously not.

They're mean. Yeah. Dude, I had a guy on Twitter. So I tweeted about going to the Pro Bowl. Well, I posted some TikToks about it and of course every stream of the jerks off during NFL season like nonstop was like, what are you doing there?

Whatever, right? Real original stuff. But one guy tweeted me and was like, I guess they needed more people on the O line, which I've like explained that joke to my audience. I like, it was like... I'm a football fan and I'm going to say the girls and gays are not picking up on my line.

No, no, no. I actually got a... I made a video about it once because I posted like a gym video Like me just like looking cute And a lot of dudes were like Because I said tell your man to put me in a defense Or at tight end for your fantasy football lineup this week

Hilarious joke if you like sports During football season If you're a sports fan? Yeah Sports anyone And so all of them were like more like O line And I explained in a video I'm like this is a fat joke

Because offensive linemen are typically the biggest boy on the team and they're being like you're like a big fatty is what they're calling me and I was like but the hilarious part about that is that your O-linement don't score points in fantasy right so it doesn't make sense right you're an idiot why do I know your culture more than you do right so when I was tweeting about the Pro Bowl same shit right same song different day and this one guy was like get up get back on that O line and I go and look and like the way he's built like he's built like he's built like an O lineman. Great.

So then I re- You look like a sinner. So I retweeted it and I said, with you? And so then that one went viral. And then he was like, fuck you, fuck you. Like he just has like a tantrum. And he goes, I was an all like,

all-American offensive lineman. And I was like, I knew it. So clocked. I knew it. So clocked. Yeah. So the joke landed then. So that and also the other part of that is if you remove the fat phobia from it,

what is the joke? Tackles are the most important players in the NFL because they protect your quarterback. Also, an offensive lineman, like, in the NFL, like, biggest, strongest, like, fastest, dude. That's why I'm like, you guys, your joke doesn't even make sense. Yeah. Like, someone told me, like, more like a defensive lineman, and I'm all, defensive linemen are, like, 6,5, 280, like, 2% body fat. Chris Jones runs like a 4-840. And that's all I was like, you're telling me I'm so handsome and so in shape.

You're telling me I'm a franchise player. And it's so embarrassing because this is the thing you claim to love and I'm better at it than you and I only like it in passing. I posted like a promo on TikTok once like talking about that. I'm like whenever they say that, it's like a compliment. Like you're telling me I look more athletic than you. And also like as someone, someone people make a big majority of the NFL. So I was like I could literally walk onto USC right now in this outfit and get picked. Like I would make the starting starting lineup.

And then USC athletics comments on my thing and they're like. like, yeah, we'll definitely put you in. And I was like, certified, bitch. Rapped up. Certified. Done handled. I'm leading y'all out the tunnel next game. This is the other thing, too, is these people, they love jokes. They say, they always claim to be comedy fans. It's a joke, I love jokes.

Especially dark humor. Oh, my God, they love dark humor. Dark humor. But it's a bad joke. Not even fat phobia withstanding, it's like to just say D-line and not say Nodomik and Sue, like, write a specific. A specific joke, bitch. Yeah.

Like, as a joke writer, I'm offended. That's what I said. I'm like, I'm like, in order for a joke to be funny, it has to make sense. Right. Like, literally, like, it has to make sense. It has to be topical. Like, it, like, paint me a picture. Speak to an audience.

Have some syntax. You know. Just a pinch. You know, backload your joke. Put the funniest part at the end. Use more consonants in certain places than others. Like, write a joke, bitch. You're like, oh, on the O line.

Oh, line. that's so you didn't even say offensive line that's why I said it's and you didn't even name a position on the offensive line yeah I mean it really is embarrassing it's specificity it's specificity like I I told I when I was on a different podcast I had told this like the one and only thing someone's ever said to me that was meant to be mean and it was pretty mean like it does like she really got me um although I think it was a man he like he just told me I looked like the pot of greed yugo card which like the picture he was using, he got me. Listen.

You got me. You got me. Listen, at the end of the day, you got me. Like, I'm going to take that. I'm going to hold on to this. I'm going to take it home. This is for me. This is mine.

Yeah. And I'll hold that forever. I never forgot that. But he just like, it was like on a Twitter thread about me. And all he wrote was pot of greed. Nothing else. He wasn't like, this fatty. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Literally just that. That tweet had so many likes, rude. But then I thought to myself, So I was like, it's almost meaner that he said it like drive by. Yeah. Like he's like, hey. I'm not taking the time, Ben. I agree.

Hey, you're so ugly, by the way. Anyways, back to my normal. I don't know what her name is, but she looks like this really ugly teapot. Yeah. That's mean. You got me. I always remember the good ones. Me too.

I always remember the, because like I said, I'm a joke writer. Yeah. And I will respect the craft until the day I die. Yeah. That's all I was like, honestly, you kind of ate me up with that one. Hey, you got me. When someone told me on Twitter that I looked like L. GBTQ Russell from Up?

Yeah, that ate me up. The little boy from the Up cartoon? Yeah, you ate me up with that one because I do look like gay him. And hey, I'll take it. And who's to say he wasn't gay in that movie? And who's to say? Who's to say? The uniform is giving a little something, isn't it?

It's got to be a little sweet. Who's to say? Maybe bye on the weekends. Maybe that's you. That's like, that's, maybe you're him grown up. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, buy on the weekends.

Well, when he grows up. we can't talk about it. He's a kid in the movie, but when he grows up, maybe he's by on the weekend. In case you didn't get that. Yeah. Keep keep up. Did you ever get any other good ones? I tried to think sometimes.

Oh, my God. Of when they, like, really did get me. It's so rare. It's so rare that I get a good one. And I do a joke, and there's an old joke I have that I do in stand-up where I talk about the nature of insults that I get. And I go, call me fat is so boring. I've known that for a while.

the most embarrassing thing about me that you guys need to do your research. When I jump into a body of water, I still have to hold my nose like this. If you bring that up in an argument, it's curtains for me. You know what I mean? I'm out. A guy told me a couple months ago on the internet. He replied to me and he had like 17 followers on Twitter and he decided he wanted to go toe to toe to with me. And he said, I don't know about the rest of you guys trying to like rally other people in the comments.

Never going to happen. He goes, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but this guy looks to me like he broke into a bakery and ate all the pies. And I when it's so soft I mean I'm like you're not you're You're so far out of your league I want to reply and be like I'll kill you with a gun You're soft ate all the pies like an 18th century limerick

I will kill you to death with a gun Like you're not I'll literally murder you It's not fair It's not fair You just tweet his address I'm serious You're in the sandbox bitch

I'm at the gun store. It's like, girl, what? Someone once wrote an insult to me, like they were so mad at me. And they wrote an insult. And then at the end, they wrote, checkmate. Mike drop. They just put a gif of you dropping a mic. Boom.

Yeah. It's like a giff of Emma Stone from like 2014. Like on the Tonight Show. Yeah. Going like that. Yeah, I went there. Well, go somewhere else. I bet you didn't see that coming. Yeah.

That's like he literally wrote, Checkmate. Not a gift. And I said, I don't, I honestly don't know what to write back to this. I'm not playing chess. I'm playing murder. I'm going to kill you.

That's like I said, I tweet his address at him. Yeah. Yes. You swat him? Please. Don't make me swat you. Don't make me tweet the address

so the quiz knows you work out. Because I will. Because I will. Because I will. I've been to that dick sporting goods. I know you're in there. I hope that. have it in my size.

Because I don't want to make your day worse, I love when they like, that's so funny. It looks like this guy broken and ate all the fuck. Looks like this guy broken and ate all the pies. I'm going to have sex with your father. Broken and ate all the pies. Your father's going to be eating a pie.

That's for damn sure. Yeah. I'll make sure of it. Why don't you break your mouth into my asshole? And lick my butt hole, you fucking loser. Broke into a bakery and ate all the pies. I'm sick.

And he thought he was William Shakespeare He's like, anyone else? I don't know about the rest of you guys Trying to rally my fans. Also, anyone else, everyone in the replies to my shit is my fans. That's why? I do that all. I can't even tell.

I'm like, hey, you're in the wrong neighborhood, bitch. You're going to get jumped in these comments. Roll the windows up and lock the doors. Because there are hundreds of thousands of mentally ill baristas that are ready to mobilize whenever I say the word. Okay? Alfred's fine. There are girls that

if they're not the Boy Genius concert they're at my mentions and they will fight you bitch If they're not seeing Lucy Dakis they're in Caleb's comments section And the Doc Martins are laced up

The Mary Jane And they're ready to fight for me And they will I've got she days that are shooters So you need to be careful because the guys from AutoZone are not doing the same for you No they surely are not

They don't do it like that The Best Buy Believe it The genius bar inside, Best Buy. By the way. And so you're in danger. I love. I love when they write stuff like that.

Oh, it like tickles me pink. I know about the rest of you guys. I do know about the rest of them. And they love me. And you can try to rally them. They pay my mortgage. What if I showed up to your house with a gun? What if?

Right now. What if I have a katana? And I show up and I show up to the unemployment office when you're there from the truck. What if I come down to the Y? When you're When you're sitting on the sidelines Of the pickup game Because you didn't get picked

Because your jump shots trash And what if I come down there What if I came to the Planet Fitness right now Then what? Then what? Then what are you doing? What if I come down to the Planet Fitness While you're doing the stairs on high intensity

You're getting that in-body for free At Crunch Fitness What are we gonna do then? Oh my God, those are my favorite What if I come find you? You can't come find me Because the Twitter camera's in the shop isn't it.

Isn't it? When you soup up the Hyundai, come and find me. It's not going to go well for you. The Sion. Literally, I tweeted this one guy, he had like a tweet go viral,

but for like awful reasons. But he was like, I'm never going to go against my genetic biology. Like, it was like a whole, it's a hunting picture. Yeah. A dead zebra.

Yeah. He felt real threatened. Yeah. go figure but he's like I'm resorting to my like it's like that transphobic like toxic masculinity it's very like I'm not going to be anything but a man yeah and he's like standing in front of a dead animal yeah and it's like a little video and he has like a church outfit on like he has like a white linen shirt tan like chinos yeah and like boat shoes you look like you're at the sands resort bit He has like you look like you just came from like your nearest worship.

Like he's leading worship. You know what I mean? But he's like one of those like 20 year old pastors that dates like underage girls. For sure. That's what he's the vibes he was giving. And he was like, I was like, does your genetic biology teach you how to iron a fucking shirt? Like this shirt was so wrinkled. And then I was like what?

And I said, record yourself running a 40 yard dash and I'll tell you if you would survive in the wild. Expeditiously. Yeah. Quickly. Set the camera up. Yeah. Set it up and run as fast as you can. As hard as you can.

Whenever I say that, men get so mad at me. They're like, what don't you run? You faddy? I'm like, I wasn't bragging about being able to survive in the wild. I don't have to prove that. Scientifically. I wouldn't. I wouldn't survive.

I'd die quick. Quickly. And by my own hand. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you would survive in the apocalypse situation? Hell no. I think I would.

You think so? Not because I'm fast and strong. That's the other thing is they only think about it is like I'm going to outrun. I'm going to out-fired. I'm going to organize. I'm going to get, like I said, I'm going to get the she days. I'm going to get the bisexual white women. And I'm going to, we're going to take over a clean water source.

And I'm going to run that shit like the army. Like the Marines. You better believe it. And I won't ever have to do. They'll never be blood on my hands. I feel that. I'll be sitting on a throne. As king.

Well, my girls handle the business. People come over and say, we want some clean water. And I go, talk to Stacey. I think for me. me when I talked about the apocalypse, I'm literally like, I'm not surviving because I'm most likely killing myself. Yeah. I'm going out, like, have you watched this is, is it this is us? Last of Us. Last of Us. The Last of Us. Have you watched The Last of Us? Have you watched The Last of Us? Okay. Well, there's, I won't, without spoiling, they do have a character that kind of like, he's, um, what do you call

the ones where, like, they have the snake that Ben Franklin drew? They're like libertarians. Oh, it's not proud boys, is it? They're not proud boys. They're not like conservative. They're like the ones that like anti-government, anti-party, anti-everything. They're very like, doomsday prepper, like the whole government's corrupt. Everybody's watching you, like one of those. He's one of those guys, so he preps for the end of the world. So his neighborhood, he like makes it into a little compound. And I won't tell you what happens at the end, but that's what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm staying put. Right there. I'm building my little city. And when the time comes, I'm off of myself. Yeah, boom. The way I want to go out.

Done. On my own terms. And that's a she-e-o mentality. I'll decide when I go, not God. A she row. It's funny that those biological, those guys that are like my male biology, what God wanted a man to be. It's like, you think so little of God.

He created you and gave you no desire to like ask a woman a question or read a book. He only created you to like hunt and run. You're sick. And good luck surviving now in that like with just those. bare bones skills.

Like, you need something else. This is what's going, this is what I'm saying about short men right now too. The leg lengthening surgeries, that short men acting like they're victims of genocide. Brother, you're five, six. You don't need longer legs. You just need to like have a favorite album or something.

Yeah, a hobby. Get a hobby. An interest. Ask a woman a question and then listen to the answer. Yeah. You know, you'll be fine. I've said that so many times. You know what's funny too is like my boyfriend once like some random guy

like tried striking conversation with. him because unfortunately for him he looks very approachable to men who are awful yeah because he's so like masculine looking or whatever they they look at him I don't know how they be checking him out but he was talking to him and he got on the subject of like he was in the mindset of like wanting to convert to like I think Muslim faith and he was like oh that's that's cool right and he's like yeah you know because I heard that they can have a bunch of wives always that's where you lose me so he's really lose me so he's he wants like a harem like that's like his idea he's like I'm gonna have multiple wives you know

so I could spread my seed this is like from him verbatim so I could spread my seed like God wants me to right to like create more life and like these evolved like the way he was talking about it sounded like he was on drugs but it was like two in the afternoon on like a Wednesday so I don't think they were in the gym yeah and my boyfriend was like what like and he was like like just out of curiosity, do you know anything else about that faith or is that, did you kind of check out after you read that part? Also, you do know that. Well, I'm still learning. I'm still learning. I'm still learning. But I do know that I get to fuck a lot of people. So, I'm in it for that. It's telling, it's telling that that's where you started learning.

And that's where you stopped learning. And that's where you stopped. And also, do you know that you don't have to abuse Islam to have that lifestyle? You can abuse Christianity to have that lifestyle. That's what my, my boyfriend was. You can use it. religion. That's like, you don't need to be religious at all. You could just be a whore. Yeah, you could just be also a misogynist. Yeah.

That's available to you. Like a misogynistic man. I don't, many of them do that. But when we were talking about it, my boyfriend told me I was like in disbelief because I know what this guy looks like. Yeah. And he's like, I'm like, okay, let's just say, let's just say that the government goes to shit, whatever happens, happens.

And then they're like, we need to recreate man. We need to pick the best specimen to create, like, let's make. to create life, like the strongest version of human, they're not picking someone who's 5'3. And he's balding already and he's 23. That's not a joke. Like, he doesn't shave it enough. So I see it.

Like 5 o'clock shadow on the head, babe, like, but cul-de-sac? Yeah. Like half court. And so I'm like, why would they pick you? Like, you have an underbite. They're not picking you. You're not the specimen. Babe, those genetics, they're failing.

They're not picking you. Like, in no form of, like, you genesis. are they going to pick you? You're not the one. You're not. I can't understand. When you walk your toes point out. They don't want to pass that down.

They don't. The like movement to have sympathy for in cells, I'll never understand. I'm not going to, I'm like, I don't feel bad for you. If you're a, if you're a man in 2023 who can't get pussy, I'm never going to be there with you because I know that if I was a straight man, I'd be doing okay. You know, like, because I am curious and ask questions and like. Overall, a nice person. Yeah.

I'm like, I don't understand. understand how you're not getting laid at all. Because also the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing women are so often with the ugliest mother-de- who just like brings the groceries in. I'm like, brother, there is

so little you have to do to bag a true supermodel. No, actually. And you won't even do it. You can't even do that. Just not even that. That's why I said. I'm like, they're not picking you. You have a stigmatism. Like, that's, you're out. You got to work on it. You know what I mean?

You got to work on. They think of themselves of like the early stages of Captain America. Like, you know, when he's like, they photoshopped Chris Evans' head on like a really tiny man. Yeah. They're like, that's me. Like, and then they're going to pick me and they're going to juice me and I'm still going to be me inside. And I'm like, you're not. It's the you inside.

That's the problem. No, that's not you. It's the inside. That's the problem. You're the one who tries out and gets vertigo and passes out and they cut you loose early. That's you. Bye. You wouldn't even make it.

Yeah. That's the other. It's like there are so many. There are so many great, like, when I say like you're 5-3 or you're balding or I say you work at the gas station or whatever, there's nothing wrong with any of those things if you're a nice person. Exactly. But because you're mean, I got to talk about it. It's for game at that point. Right.

I love a lot of people who work at gas stations because they're cool. And you're not one of them, bitch. And you're not one of them. Being working class is awesome. But not the way you're doing it. Until you're awful. Yeah. And then it's not.

Because I'm always telling the truth or joking until I lie. Until I lie. Until I lie. And that's the theme. Because when I lie, I'm lying. I'm lying. When I lie, I'm lying. But ultimately, I do like to think when I lie, it's to service a greater truth.

Which is also a lie. Which is a lie. Okay. I think that's going to do it for episode. Did you have fun? Yeah, dude. I would always say, I came in here. I had a blast.

That's the hardest I've laughed since I've been filming this. I totally annoyed the people who work here too. They're like, you can hang out in your green room. I was like, I think I'll just sit and chat with y'all. They're like, well, we actually have work to do. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I love you, man. It's mutual.

I adore you. You're the funniest person alive. Where can everybody find you? Well, I'm online sparingly at Caleb Says Things on Instagram, Twitter, and technically TikTok. But follow the Instagram. And, well, if this is out by July and August, I'm going to be in a bunch of cities touring.

So come see me live. Yes. I'm better live. Please go see Caleb live. I see your clips online, but I have to. come see you in person. Come out. I absolutely have to come see you. Anytime, babe. I'm so excited. Please go support Caleb. Please go follow him. And please go see him on his stand-up comedy tour. It's going to be amazing. Thank you so much for joining us today. Thanks, dude. I adore you. Thank you,

everyone for watching. And remember, you can stream new episodes of the comment section every Wednesday exclusively on Spotify. I'll see you next week. Bye.