The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - IT'S HARD TO BE A VIEWER Ft. Mary Beth Barone | Episode 145

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

We're in NYC this week with famous New Yorker Mary Beth Barone! Drew and Mary Beth talk about recent unhinged experiences with terrible men, being chronically late, the shocking practice of pap smears, loving The Rock, watching horror movies in the afternoon, getting chest-punched, shutting creeps down in public, and so much more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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in leading traditional coffee creamers. Two good creamers are available in sweet cream, roasted vanilla, and lavender. So which one are you trying first? find two good creamers at your local retailer in the creamer aisle. Like there's a video. I don't remember who I heard this from actually or if it was like a viral thing, but it was like what's the funniest misconception your boyfriend has about periods? And there was one person that said their boyfriend thought you just put the tampon in and then you take it out.

Like you just put it, you just dip it in. It gets the stuff. Well, it's like testing the pH of a pool. Exactly. Hey everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your favorite. Everybody knows me who cares about me. On to the guest.

But before we get there, we are in unfamiliar surroundings team. We're in New York. And today we have a New York legend, a hilarious and ridiculously talented. Mary Beth Barone. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm here. Oh, my gosh. This is so exciting.

Our first time here together. And is this your first recording in New York? Or you've done them in New York before? I've done them before, but at different studios. Okay. So this is our first time in this studio. In this studio. Spotify HQ.

Yes. The view outside is crazy. It is. It's ridiculous. I can't, yeah, it's just good to be at the World Trade Center on Election Day. I think so. Yeah. Hopefully it's a good sign.

I think so, too. Hopefully. I think we're, I don't want to say anything, actually. Okay, same. Same. But I will say, Mary Beth, I know you were late, but the only reason I'm bringing it up is because I'm always late. Okay. Thank you so much for her.

So I feel seen and validated by you. Giving me that gift. I, I, time zones are really hard. I'm not going to say who put this event on my calendar. I won't name names. It wasn't me, though. but time zones are tough it's math and it's tech it's big tech it's big pharma i feel like yeah just all is forgiven when it comes to time zones for me yeah but i just appreciate that you didn't um lock me

out of the building that was yeah that's what big time big time wants you to be late and they sort of run they run shit yeah and we don't know not enough people talk about big time so here we are at spotify hq we're breaking the news live yeah about big time especially because i am notoriously and always late, so much so that my team lies to me about times all the time. Whoa. Yeah, that's really bad. What's your, so can I have like your average lateness? And then what do you think is like the grace period for people being late for things that you are organizing?

I know. I'm like, anything pastime. I'm like, wow. Yeah. Even though my time, that's why I didn't care. When they told me, I was like, I don't care. Like, I don't mind at all. I would say my buffers like 20, 25 minutes, which is bad.

I know. I'm not proud of it. That's West Coast. That's a West Coast lifestyle. Right. Because in New York, yeah, if you're not early or late, that's it. But I really love being punctual. So then to be an hour late for something I actually asked to do is kind of insane.

And that's just what you're going to get with me sometimes. But that's how bad you want to do it. Yeah. So excited you forgot. I was so excited. I thought I had five more hours to get ready. I could have 11 hours to get ready and also be like, I need like 30 more minutes. And that's my cross to bear.

A lot of times I just blame it on being brown. Like, you know, I just think. minority people time runs different. I've always joked too. I'm like, well, you know, whatever time I tell you to show up or like I'll be there, just add. Two hours. Added.

Fashionably late. You know that's called fashionably late. Fashionably late. So that's a thing. I mean, in America, I feel like there's so much emphasis on being on time and then in other countries, like I know there's like one country where the train just sort of arrives when it arrives and you're going to get where you're going at some point. But people don't value being on time there.

So it's like it doesn't matter. And I think it's cool to dip into that every once in a while. But in New York, everyone's moving so fast. Like, I walk really fast. I always want to get where I'm going. And I just want things to be over. Right. So that's, and that's bad.

That's no way to live. Like, I should enjoy something. Me, I'm living in the moment. You are. That's why I'm so late. You're living in the past in a way. Yeah, the moment went without me. Exactly.

And I'm late. The train has left the station. I think New York would, like, collectively freak out if the trains just showed up whenever. Although I'm sure sometimes it feels that they just show up whenever. It is one reason that I could never live off the G train. It's the G train's world and we're just living in it. I don't know if you ever had the pleasure. But also what's confusing about the G train is that I've gotten on it, I've gotten on it going in the wrong direction multiple times because it's like Queens is or Manhattan is toward Brooklyn or something. It just makes no sense. Okay. So it's,

that's one where I'm like, I think someone from L.A. design this. That's what it's sort of feeling like. I would believe, honestly. That's big subway. Big subway. And again, they're sort of in charge. Right. Puppeteering, if you will. Well, and when I was actually the craziest part of the story is I put in my GPS this address and it wanted me to take the ferry. Oh. And the ferry took an hour. So I immediately saw that. I said, I'm getting in an Uber.

And then when I looked it up further in my phone, in the Uber, I could have taken two subways in 26 minutes. So I don't know what's happening today. I think everyone's a little out of sorts due to the events that are unfolding. and how is your election season then? I mean, we don't have to talk about it too much. It's been, I mean, horrifying, I'm sure. Like most people feel very scared to feel hopeful. Yeah, but hopefully, no pun intended,

everything works out the way we would like it to for now. Yeah. You know? We'll know in a couple months. Right. I do want to talk about your career a little bit. Okay, sure. About being in stand-up.

If we have to. I just think you're fantastic. Thank you. But I would love to know how you kind of got into stand-up. Obviously, I find you fucking hilarious. And I've watched your opener on the Tonight Show. Oh, yes. And I thought it was fantastic.

Thank you. You're so funny. So I would love to know how you kind of got into stand-up. Yeah, it was sort of accidental. I always wanted to be famous as a kid. I don't know when you were born. I was born in 1991. 95.

Okay. So I was like Mary Kate and Ashley, I, Lizzie McGuire. Love, love, love. Seeing all my heroes flourish, Britney Spears, people like that, the Spice Girls. I was very inspired. So I really wanted to get in the mix. Although I'm not an EPO baby. and I had no idea how to get involved in the industry in show biz.

So I didn't. They don't. It's like you have to sort of figure it out for yourself. I never got discovered at the mall, which is like a huge thing that I carry with me. Oh my gosh. Had you ever been approached? Like, I feel like my mom was approached one time when I was with her, but I wasn't a child. I was like 13.

You were like approachable age. Did that give you a complex? Well, they were like, I think your daughter could be a child star or whatever. mind you, we're in like Chino Hills, California, which again is like Inland Empire, so it's like it's not even a major city, it's not a... But that's the best place to get discovered. I thought you meant they approached your mom to discover her. No, they approached my mom.

While you're standing there like a lemon. Yeah, right. And then my mom goes, no, we're not interested. And then I go, why would you do that? My mom goes, that guy had no information. He's in regular street clothes. He just walks up, hey. Not even a business card.

No, not even. He had no card. She said, can I have a card? didn't have one. And she goes, I think that was a scam or something. Could have been. It could have been Walt Disney. Yeah, right.

We'll never know. Right. We'll never know. He could have unfrozen that one day. And that train. Inland Empire for some new talent. And it literally, the ship sailed without me. I think you could have, I think you could have been a star.

I obviously didn't know you at that age. But I feel like you have child star potential. Right. But I think it's better to happen later in life. I agree. Just for like the development of your brain and everything. I agree. So I was never discovered.

I was never discovered. I was never plucked out of obscurity. And so I had sort of resigned myself to, like, a normal life. And then when I lived in New York after I dropped out of college, I was working at a startup. And I was like, I think I'm going to take improv classes. Like, it feels like a fun thing to do after work. Naturally.

I had a nine to six. It's not nine to five, by the way. They tell you that. It's nine to six. It's complete scam. Not including commute. It's insane. Oh, yeah.

So you get home by 10. How does that work? It's ridiculous. Also, you look like you would take improv classes. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so. I actually never heard that before.

Yeah. But yeah, I did do that. Take it how you will. Thank you. And I will take it as a compliment. I sign up for UCB, rest in peace. I think it's mostly defunct now. But then a few months in, I was like, I think I'm going to try stand-up.

I was like watching a lot of stand-up. And I thought, I have something to add to this conversation. And so I bought a Kate Spade notebook and I wrote some ideas down. And then I went to UCB to an all-women's open mic. They gave you two minutes, 120 seconds to bear your soul. And I said, if I bomb, I'll never do it again. But if it goes well, who's to say what might happen? And it did go well, fortunately, slash unfortunately.

And so six months later, I quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and moved out of our apartment. And I was like, I'm going to be a comedian. And that's just what's going to happen. Right. And thankfully it worked out. I mean, yeah. I'm actually, like, why didn't my family or friends try to stop me? Because it's like a deranged thing to do.

But they didn't. They just supported me. That's good. And so I'm thankful. Or concerning, depending on why. Well, my gay bestie from high school, because I have a few gay besties from different walks of life.

He was like, we all know you're insane and you were going to do whatever you wanted to do. So there's no point in arguing with you. Yeah, they're kind of just like keeping the perimeter around you at all time. Exactly. They're like, whatever it is you want, queen? Just do it. And I acknowledge my privilege. I had a support system.

If I ever fell on hard times, I could ask my parents for help. So I did get like, you know, part-time jobs and stuff. But I became like full-time comedian. quotes because like what does that mean in 2019 right in time for the um the world to shut down right right before right when performing live was not a good idea at all right but I had done enough of it where I couldn't picture myself doing anything else so that's good in the pandemic it was sort of like yeah you're back to the drawing board on like how to express yourself um without the stage but I found that a fun challenge and yeah it feels like a distant memory but also it feels like it's still

happening in a way how was it coming up in and comedy. Like, how has it been as far as, like, I know it's a very male-dominated field, obviously, but how has that been for you? Luckily, we are living in a time where there's a lot of, like, independent comedy venues. So people like us and, you know, the fellow members of the LGBTQ community, lots of women, and just non-straight white men, we have the ability to produce our own shows and grow audiences online. So, but the early on sort of path is to go through the club scene, which, which is like very tough as a woman.

I'm sure. And you hear, yeah, I've, it's hard. I don't, I'm just happy that people starting now have like a lot more options of where to perform. Other than going the traditional route. Going the traditional route because it is just so, I mean, as much as progress has been made, I think at some of those venues, you still will see all male lineups or you'll be in a green room and you'll feel like unsafe or you're just on a show with people that like you fundamentally don't. agree with or align with on any issue. So it's tough, but it's really nice that we have a lot more safe spaces for us and our audiences who don't want to hear that like bigotry or like complaining

about how hard it is. Yeah, they don't find that shit funny. No. Which is crazy. It's awesome. It's crazy how it works. Yeah. So I want to say that I'm a huge fan of yours. Obviously, discovered you on TikTok roasting men, which is a pastime of mine as well. But I have like learned so much from you. Oh, thank you. I never heard of body neutrality. Oh, yeah. Um, before you did a video about it, I think, or you had spoken out about it. And I just feel like, I don't know, there, you are, like, very inspiring. Thank you. I love that you have, like, all these ways to reach your audience. And I think it's, like, awesome. And I love, like I said, before we start recording, doing a podcast in full glam, it's like, we can only aspire to such things. And you know what's funny about that is I obviously am in full glam and

I was working this morning, but what I will say is when I first started this show, and like, it was the baby that it was, I said, like, I talked to my mom and sister, and I only had one person on my team at that time, and we were kind of talking about the show, and I was like, I think I could do it myself. Like, I'm pretty good at doing my own hair and makeup, and then the first day of shoots, it was like rehearsal and then shooting cover art. And so I did the rehearsal, and like, obviously there have these very high-deaf camera. These ones are even more high-deaf, I'm sure, but I did the rehearsal. My mom watched it, obviously.

My sister watched it. And they were like, oh, so funny, so great. My mom goes, yeah, you should hire someone. Oh my mom's showing me. She's like, yeah, I think you should hire someone. See, I love that. Me too. I love that moms would say those things that others are afraid to say.

Yeah. And you know what's funny is that same day? I had a very awful eye infection that I didn't know yet. But are you familiar with Bulldog? at all? I am. Not like I've never had one, but I know what they look like. Yeah. They get this thing called cherry eye where like their blood like literally it pops out, like their eyes bulging out and you have to like massage it to make it go back in, right? With those nails? Well, I don't do the massage. My point being, that's what my eye looked like.

And I was so stressed because I was like doing this for the first time. And I was like, it's not that bad, right? And I was looking at my sister. And my sister was like, no. No, it takes not. And then in post, they had to edit my. my eye down because my eye was so red and inflamed. Whoa. And I'm going like, do you know what you got it from? Yeah, it was, um, something flew in my eye and scratched my cornea. So I had a corneal ulcer.

Wow. Yeah. It was a big, it was a big day. I got two bad news bears that day, which was need to hire someone because my skills are not up to par. Competing with these HD cameras. We're going to lose every time. Yeah, I'm going to lose every time.

I'm scared to see what's, I did my makeup in a rush because I was late and so we'll see i think you look fantastic i didn't put a highlighter on that could be this could be the end of my career that no highlighter well now that you mention it's looking a little flat also i had to rip my nails off and now i'm looking at your nails with envy i'm like did i even show up for work today the fuck's wrong with me it's like she yeah for real i had to it's really hard it's so hard i had barby pink nails and you know i mean i feel like you probably don't let them grow out but i just They were like, they were starting to lift and getting caught in my hair. And you hate that.

So I had to make the difficult choice to rip them off. And you have to rip them off immediately. Immediately because if one is off, it's like I'm not going anywhere until I have 10 clean fingernails. I feel like that too. But I've had these for so long, like this length that I feel like pretty natural with them now. Now when I don't have any nails at all, which is rare if I do. But if I don't, I feel like my hands, they look like those little, remember when people were super into those tiny hands and they'd put them in their sleeves? Oh, yeah, that's what, I mean, that's what I have right now.

It's really scary. I think your hands look normal size, but mine, I feel like they're just so small now. And now you're used to seeing them with the sort of like elegance of the, and they really do, like, trick the eye. Right. They really do. I think so. I'd like to think so. And look at that rock.

Period. I mean, how cool is that? Right. Oh my gosh. Thank you very, but. I'm so scared. I'm so shy. I hope the HD cameras are picking that out.

You can see this from space, probably. That's so cool. That's me bragging about my. No, it's a fabulous ring. Did you pick it out? Was it a joint effort? No, not at all. And I feel like people think I'm lying when I say that,

but I'm a very type A person, so I love to control things and pick things out. With the ring, I just knew that he was not going to let me have any say in it. Because he was like, I want to give it to you. I want to surprise you. Plus, like, I just trust him so implicitly with things that I like, that I'm like, I'm sure he's going to do a great job. Wow.

And he did even better than I thought. Right? And he also made it gold, too, because I only wore gold jewelry. So I said, that's my man. He did a fabulous job. Thank you so much. I just want to acknowledge the work. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I'm sure he does, so he's listening in the other room. It's okay. Yeah, he's in the other room. Not too many compliments for him, though. He doesn't need those. Sorry, sorry. I take it all back.

I do want to ask you, this is one of my favorite questions to ask a stand-up comics, like female stand-up comics, which is like, have you ever been given advice? Unsolicited advice after a set? by someone who was worse than you. I mean, I've gotten unsolicited advice from an audience member. I did a show. While you're actively performing? Well, I'm sure.

Or was it after the fact? It was after. So I was at Gotham Comedy Club and I walked out for my set, which did go well, not to to shoot my own horn. A man followed me outside. He starts pitching me on tags on my jokes. And then he goes, you should be writing this down. Oh, no thanks.

Why? I'm good I thought you just wanted to vent to me Yeah I got hey I why don't you go back in and and do the two drink minimum that you're going to pay for And leave my leave my business to me It was I mean that's just like it happens all the time And it's not I mean that's like one example that really stuck out to me because I was just like where the fuck do you come off Also the pitch wasn't good

Yeah I'm like are you catching these nuggets I'm dropping well that's what's scary about About performing in a comedy club because they have so much access to you I know and people know your exact location all the time. That's crazy. Which is really frightening. I had to stop posting shows for a bit because there was one guy that was just like showing up to all of them and standing in the back and he was just kind of scaring me. So that's, you know, it's, there's any number of things that you would experience as a female stand-up that make you uncomfortable. One of them certainly being getting advice you didn't ask for. And I have plenty of people I go to when I need help on a joke. It is not going to be a random middle-aged straight white man in the audience at Gotham

Comedy Club. Right. It's just not going to happen. I have like a running bit where I talk about how like straight white men, they'll tell like two fat jokes that make their like shithead friends laugh. Yeah. And then they'll be like, I should start working in comedy. And then they do. And then they work for 15 years.

Right. And then they get stand-up specials. Right. And then I'm in a green room with them. Do you get that? It's really hard. My thing right now is like if you are a straight man who wants to be a comedian, you better have a point of view. Right.

Because if you're coming in with the same recycles. shit that we've been hearing since the dawn of time. Right. I don't need it. Yeah, I really, no, it's cool. It's funny, too, because I've, when I, I was, like, fucking up a different comedian for telling a bunch of, and you know who I'm talking about, but a bunch of jokes about, like, it's just bigotry, right?

So I even said, I'm like, those jokes are fucking lazy more than anything. And I was like, I even said, I'm like, I could find all those jokes on, like, your racist uncle's Facebook page. They're a million. Yeah, probably with a million behind it. They're memes. Oh, for multiple names. Absolutely.

A picture. That's why I'm like, the shit's just not funny. Like, because then after I posted that video, I had people going like, oh, people get so offended. And like, he's a comedian. It's his, you know, job to tell jokes, to which I'm always like, I would consider myself a pretty funny person. I mean, like, we can check tape if you guys would like. But I feel like I have a pretty solid track record to prove I'm funny. I know I'm funny.

But I was like, maybe give me a shred of credit and everybody else who fucking hated it. Maybe the shit sucks. Maybe it's just not funny. Yeah, like, have you considered the fact that maybe the job? was asked. Like, did you guys consider that or? No, they don't. Well, and they want to jump on anyone that has a problem with a joke. I'm like, and I will say, I give a lot of grace to jokes that are offensive, but they're funny. I'm like, you know what, there's merit there. It's clever and or it makes me rethink something or I feel like it's like, you know, holding a mirror up to

society or whatever. Yeah. But then there's ones that just like aren't funny and lazy and have been told like, you know, it's a joke from a popsicle stick. Yeah. It's just like, really? That's what, That's your best stuff that you wanted to bring to the world stage. It's confusing. That's your best self, huh? It's really confusing. That's upsetting. It's tough to watch.

I mean, comedy's changing so much right now because of social media. I think in some ways for better, like I said, finding your own audience, not going through the, you know, old channels that we had. But I do think there's, like, so much access to being a comedian now. That comes with, it's like a lot of good and a lot of bad. A lot of bad. Yeah. You know, I think there's a bubble. I think it'll pop in the next few years. Right. I think being a comedian now is what it, what people thought being in a band in the 90s was.

Like, it felt cool and sexy to be like a rock star and like, you know, you're getting, I don't know, living like this fabulous lifestyle. Make comedy is so hard. It's like gut wrenching. It's soul sucking. And it's not glamorous. Yeah, not even a little. So I hope that that will fade. I don't know what the next thing will be. But I think comedy is just like the thing right now. That's actually such a good point. And I feel like, like you said, with the access to social media, like gives people, especially if they're able to grow followings, it gives people this like false sense of like perspective. It's like, oh, well, all of these people online, which is so funny because I have resisted standup for so long. And I love stand.

I've loved stand up for years. That's been like my favorite art form for a very long time because I love making people laugh. So I love comedians. I've been following many forever. That's why I love your stuff too. And I remember telling my team, I'm like, I just don't want to find out the hard way that I'm, I can't do that. Like, I'm not funny that way. Because I understand that it doesn't always translate.

Like, you can make people laugh behind a camera, but that's also because you don't have anyone live with you. And you also don't have any strangers listening to you. No, you're one of our bravest soldiers. I have seen so many people make the jump or what's even crazier is when they are failed stand-ups who then become online. online personalities. The amount of stand-up I've seen go terribly at a live show that then becomes a front-facing camera video talking straight to camera. I'm like... And then it does well. And it gets two million likes. I mean, look, if there's people out there enjoying it, but so you've never tried stand-up? I have, actually. I've done one type five. I did it for Caleb.

Perfect. Yeah, I opened for Caleb and Chris Fleming. Which is so funny because I was like that at the Largo, which is a huge... Absolutely icons. Right. When I tell other people that story, they're like, what the fuck like that's great and i was like i was very intimidated obviously and i told kaleb and chris too that that was the scariest thing i've ever done doing this for living and i i don't care about talking live i don't care about i don't get stage right i never get any of that yeah but that shit i was like losing sleepover i was so nervous like well it has an effect on the body right live performance is nature's laxative i've always said that it will just like it'll chew up your insides right and then you have to

expel it. But that's like a tight five. Perfect. You could read that for years. Yeah. That's and I was, you could tour that. Right. That's what my man, don't say that my manager's here and he's going to, he's going to be like, I told you, I told you. He's probably laughing right now. But what's funny about that is like, I was so nervous because I love stand up so much. And I was like, if I go out there and nobody laughs, first of all, I'm going to shoot myself on stage. Could never happen. That's the only way I'm going to do it. Yeah. I'm going out either, one of us, Either you laugh or something terrible is going to happen. Or I'm going to change the course of your life.

What's that mean? Changing everybody's lives in this room together. We're all going together. But you know what's funny. Right. And you know joke structure is like if you are an intelligent person and you watch a lot of comedy, you can write a joke. You can write jokes.

It's like you notice the different types of jokes and how you can like plug your idea into that. So I'm sure you did amazing. It was a good starter for me because I was like I also want to, because Caleb asked me like, oh, do you want me to promote it for you? Like say that you're going to be there. And honestly, I told him no. And I was like, no, I wanted, I just want to find out if I'm funny. I want to tell the jokes.

Because, like, if I go, like, my fans might go, which is great, I believe them, they find me funny. But I want to go in front of strangers. Like, an audience that's not mine. Right. Just to really see if, like, you know, people will laugh. And he was like, I admire that about you. I think that's great. And I was like, well, I told you my backup plan if nobody laughs.

Exactly. And that's on you. The blood would be on his hand, too. Yeah. Plausible Deniability. There's that thing of, like, when Sanofs gets so popular that, like, any time they pause on stage, people will just laugh. And it's not. It's harder, I think, to work out material at that point. Yeah. Luckily, I'm not there yet. Yeah. I still have to go up there and try things. But,

yeah, it's an insane thing to do. I'd say it's deranged. It's a product of mental illness. And I regret it. I regret it every day. But it brought me here. Spotify HQ. Right. With you. Spotify HQ. In our library with all of our favorite books. We look so scholarly and well read. I mean. from the classic car book to the NBA at 50. I mean... The Rolling Stones unzipped. Wimbledon.

We just read all the titles. Yeah. You know what's funny is my book's not back there. Oh. So, I'm going to head out. It sounds like a personal issue. Oh. Yeah, it's going to be...

Speaking of guns, reach under my chair. Everybody has one. It would get a lot of views. It would get a lot of views. Do you have a gun? No. Me neither. I don't.

Yeah. But some people do. Right. I mean, it's not for me. Yeah. I don't, I think we should have abolished guns in general. Right. Me too.

Sometimes women I talk to, they're like, no, it's so powerful to go to a gun range and shoot a gun. I just have no desire to do that. Me. I just, there's, I'd rather get my, I'd rather get a root canal than do that. Just no. I'd rather get a pap smear. Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Paps smear. I was explaining a pap smear the other day to someone, I don't remember who it was. Or why we were talking about that. But I was like explaining what it was. and they were like, what?

It's a shocking practice. It is. And now we have to go less, I guess, like the new guidelines. You go every few years. But, yeah, to put your feet in stirrups, just as an idea, is completely insane. Yeah, that's unfair to me. They're, like, for that. Right.

So you're scooching down at the edge of the table, and then they pry your vagina open. Right. With the speculum. And then they try to ask you, what are your plans after high school? Right. That's not cool. I'm kind of busy right now. I don't want to talk about it.

It's kind of hard for me to think. Yeah. Have you ever had a coposcopy? No. That's the next step in the pap smear journey. Well, you are a lot older than me. I'm 100 years old. No, it's if you have an abnormal pap smear, then you have to get a culposcopy where they,

and I hate to say this, scrape. Oh, yeah. And then they send it in to be tested. Being a woman is, it's a lot. It is a lot. Having uterus in general is a lot. I was telling my cousin Adam the other day, about how like when you're on your period, sometimes it's easier to just sit on the toilet and

free bleed into it. And because it's so painful to wear tampons or underwear or anything. So you just sit there and bleed and just, I just kind of chill. And it's the pressure of it as well, which I guess is what contractions feel like. I haven't given birth yet, but that's what I have come to understand. And that sounds really scary. I know. I've told him, he's like, what do you mean, just bleed?

And I was like, it's just like, you just let it out. Yeah, it's pain, it's more painful to have something in there. I'd rather just like, you know, it's like the top of the ketchup bottle we were just kind of like, right. Yeah, you hit the 57. Right. And you get that little juice first and then the ketchup comes out. Yeah. That's what that is.

Yeah. The globs, really, in a lot of ways. I think it's so funny when, like, there's a video. I don't remember who I heard this from actually if it was like a viral thing, but it was like, what's the funniest misconception your boyfriend has about periods? Right. And there was one person that said their boyfriend thought you just put the tampon in and then you take it out. Like, you just put it.

You just dip it in. It gets the stuff. Well, it's like testing the pH of a pool. Exactly. The water hardness. I just love the innocence of that. The pure innocence to be like, oh, yeah, you just put it in, take it out and you're done. Set it and just, yeah, toss it.

Set it and forget it. It's single use. It's fine. I love that. And whoever you were talking to about pap smears, they can now take that knowledge out into the world. There you go. Just a little, like, a little tester. A little tester straw.

Yeah. To make sure there's no lead in your water. That's awesome. I don't think my, I don't think my, I don't think my fiance had any misconceptions about it. I did tell him about like period poops, which are like, just basically diarrhea. I mean, that's a whole other thing. Yeah, on your period, which is like, again, not a choice. It's just kind of what happens.

No matter what you eat, doesn't matter. It feels, yeah, it's like putting a hat on a hat. Right. It's like, I didn't eat all this. Period was enough. That's the headline and that was great. Right. But then you have, there's an encore.

Right. And that is a non-negotiable part of mine, unfortunately. Do you have an IUD or anything? No. Okay. I'm on the pill. I'm rocking that. The IUD.

And it's the hormonal one, low dose. And I know everyone's journey with IUDs is different. This one has been great for me and I don't get my period. Okay. But my boobs still get swollen once a month. How cool is that? Like, I love it. They're swollen right now.

This is me at my best. I'm happy for you. Thanks. Yeah, when mine, like, mine do like grow on my period, obviously. But mine are already, I'm packing heat on my chest. You ask me if I have a gun? No. No, but on my chest.

Two. Cannons. Yep, cannons. Holy shit. I mean, I can, not to bring this up. You're wearing a sheer turtleneck with the leather over it. Yes. It's a cool look.

It's a cool vibe. I can only see a whisper. Right. See, but when mine swell, like, I've said this before, I'm like, if I had small tits, like the world would open up for me fashion-wise. Because, like, nipples showing small tits, like, no bra when they're small, it's like, ooh, chic fashion. With mine, it's like, you know, it's very medicinal.

Okay. It's very wet nurse. It's very like national geographic. Yeah. It's like, I need to study them. Right. You know, it's not like, oh, fashion. It's biology.

Right. It's not sexual. Instead of tits. They turn into breasts. They turn into breasts. They turn into breasts. I've never. So I would probably give up my first born to have big boobs.

Really? I'm not going to get implants I've decided, but I, all I wanted since I was a kid was just huge knockers. Really? Any particular reason or you just feel drawn to them? I just love them. I think they're beautiful. And I just thought since my mom had big boobs, my oldest sister had big boobs, I was like, well, I'm next. And I never got them. And God made you funny instead. I know. And if I had boobs, I would have, I would have never told a joke in my whole life. I think about that a lot, how my life would be different if I had big ones. I think I'd probably have like 12 kids.

And I would live not in a city. Definitely not in a city. So it's for the best. But you'd be Mormon probably I would be, I would definitely be religious in some way Because I would have, you know, him to think Right But now you're mad at him, so you became a comic Yeah, I did and I'm speaking hard truths But yeah, there is that thing of like, oh yeah

You could show a nipple with small boobs or whatever I don't know, I just wish I had big ones Right I feel like mine, it's like a cross to bear I don't mind them But sometimes in tops I'm like, damn But also like my fitness goals are like they're not goals but like I've always recently I'm like I want to look like the

rock from behind topless my favorite actor right I'm not kidding if I I'll see anything he's in I believe I've seen Baywatch and I've shown Baywatch just so many people I've seen Baywatch five times it's a fabulous movie have you ever seen Hobbs and Shaw no okay what is this clearly not a big fan of the Rock what is this it's like a Fast and the Furious spinoff okay so but it's the rock and Jason Statham and my second favorite actor is Jason Statham. I'm not, but I always imagine

that it's Jason Statham in the movie. It's not a character. Yeah, he's playing Jason Stathom. It's the actor who's married to Rosie Huntington and Whiteley. Yeah, yeah. That's him. That's not a character.

Yeah, kind of like The Rock. Yeah. He's playing The Rock. He's playing the Rock. Which I love, and I think he's great at. I think he's mastered it. And we, my, it was like, me and my sister and my fiancé

and, like, our little brother, we like went to go watch Hobbs and Shaw. We actually wanted to watch a different movie, but it was sold out. So we were like, I guess we'll see this one. Can I ask what the other movie was? I don't remember. I need to know.

That's to me to picture the story. I just want to know. Well, honestly, I remember around the year that we went. So I'm going to have to look at it. Yeah, I'm literally going to look at that. Let me know. I would just be curious. But we were like, I guess we'll see Hobbs and Shaw.

I was laughing my ass off. And I've shown at least five people that movie. And not everybody laughs. You know what I'm going to watch it. So that makes six. You should see it. I just think like a blockbuster, that feeds the soul to me. A blockbuster with a few laughs in it, some action.

I love. The Rock shirtless. Right. Some high stakes. I'm in. I'm sat. I'm seated. Have you ever gone to those movie, the movie theaters with like the interactive seats?

I did at Disney. I went to the Bugs Life ride. That's as close as I've ever gotten. I remember that one. What's that like when they sneeze on you? Yeah. And the bugs crawl out under your butt? That's a great ride.

That is. You know what that's so funny. That is an interactive movie experience. It really was. You're so right. Have you? as an adult. Yeah, we saw Deadpool, the most recent Deadpool,

in like a 4DX. So it's not like the one that like really shakes you because what we wanted to see was Twister like that. Glenn Powell, thoughts on him? So I didn't get it for a long time. And then something switched in me. And I thought, you know what? I am willing to accept him as a movie star.

And that's been huge for my personal growth. He seems like a nice guy. Can I just say? You're ready to accept Glenn Paul as your Lord and Savior? As a movie. And my Lord and Savior. You're ready to accept him in your heart as your Lord and Savior. Yeah, my heart is open to Glen Powell, I guess.

We say the sinner's prayer, but specifically for Glenn Powell. For a few. I liked him and set it up. Then I saw Maverick. That was good. I've seen a few of his films. And, you know, he's no The Rock. Right.

He's no Dwayne the Rock Johnson. But as far as like a heartthrob goes, sure. Right. I guess. Who am I to say? Exactly. Right. I watched Twister in my parents' house.

I didn't get to do any 4D stuff. Wow. I saw people just getting thrashed in the theaters, so we were like, we should go watch Twister, but like that. And then they were sold out everywhere. Girl, you got to buy tickets in advance. I know. And we were on tour, like, for a month. So we were going across the country. We checked in every city. We went to 22 cities. We went and checked in every city. It was sold out every night. And we were like, what the hell? Like across the country. Speaks volumes, a woman of color. Right.

Can't get a 40. And massaging on top of that. That's completely insane. Right. How was the 40 Deadpool? Because I just imagine Ryan Reynolds being there. in all the 40 theaters. It was fun because it wasn't as, I think, intense as there's like a more intense version of watching movies like that.

But it would just shake at certain points or like if something explosion went off, it would shake again. It was just like it. Was it additive? Did you feel? No, I felt like I honestly forgot about it. Okay. But the best part was the fact that you could like recline, like open the legs. Oh, that's my favorite.

I can't really go to the movies. I have a bad shoulder. So I can't go to the movies unless it reclines. I just can't sit. for that long. My shoulders, to hear that. It has to do with your bad shoulder? It's really bad.

It's really fucked up. I saw a smile too. That's the most recent movie theater. How was that? Wow. I can't say enough good things about it. Really? The first smile I loved.

I screamed, spooks and scares. And then this one was just like, they could have really phoned in a sequel. And instead, they made a movie about a pop star. Who's fallen on hard times. Fabulous. Have you seen it? Are you a horror person?

No, I'm honestly, I'm genuinely a huge, scaredy cat of shit like that. So if I watch a scary movie, I have to be like mentally prepared. Otherwise, it sticks with me. Like, I think the last scary, no, that's not true. I've seen other scary movies. But like one of the last ones I saw in theaters was Hereditary. And I went in with no knowledge.

I had no idea what it's going to be. Yeah. And it was my stupid sister's fault who's right here, by the way. Wow. And she said, I want to go see this movie. Come see it with me. And I said, is it scary? Because it sounds scary.

Like hereditary. It's a family. It's a family. It's a story about love and law. And did she lie? And then when we were in, like, I think we were probably 30 minutes in. And I told her, I said, how much longer is there? I'm scared.

And that's the last time you ever spoke. I could see hereditary dividing families. Right. I made my family watch midsummer. Okay. After Christmas a few years ago. Right. And I definitely, I.

After Christmas, holiday movie? It was a holiday flick. And I definitely. I got some angry responses. I mean, people walked out. But I love it. It's such a good movie. And that was the last time you were allowed to suggest a Christmas movie.

Missed home since. I love my parents, by the way. I actually came on here to just say, mom, dad, if you're watching, I miss you guys. Please let me come home. Are you a big horror person? Do you like scary movies? I love scary movies. My first horror movie I really loved was The Ring.

Okay. And I think since then, it's just like, for whatever reason that movie just ripped off the mandate of like any of this could happen in real life. Like I stopped thinking that way. So I could watch any horror movie and just enjoy it. Right. So I'm a bit of a horror movie junkie. I had a big spooktober last year. But what I do is I watch horror movies in the middle of the day. And as a freelancer, I have the flexibility to do that. And it takes away a lot of the, like, scary elements of it. Right. Watching talk to me in my apartment at noon, I wasn't scared at all. I was just impressed. I don't know. What was wrong? What's wrong with the rest of you? But I wasn't shaking.

I don't know. Maybe try something different. Maybe I'm just better than everyone. I don't know. Yeah, I don't. I feel like I talked to someone reasoning that said, oh, I think it was my ancient Alex. She was saying she'll watch them on planes because there's a lot of people around, so it's not as scary. Quiet Place is a fabulous plane watch. Any of them. One time I put on a movie and the person next week was watching Quiet Place, too, I turned off what I was watching. I was completely enthralled with the movie. No need for my TV. I'm going to watch with this guy.

I watched with him. And man is my husband. Yeah, I love him. I watched The Invisible Man. Was it the Invisible Man? That was a weird one. It was very strange. I watched that on a plane.

And I remember me and my fiance, we're sitting next to each other and we watched it at the same time. So we like started it at the same time. Which was fun. I think that's a fun movie-going experience. Yeah, you're watching. And then you're like to each other. Yeah.

Mid. You know what's funny is speaking of watching movies on planes, one time we were flying somewhere. and my boyfriend was on the aisle. I was in the middle, and then there was an older woman to my right. When I say older, I mean like 60s, right? She had a giant iPad, and she put it in the little holder, and I said, T, Queen. Sorry, that's living good.

Yeah, she came prepared. And she did she have stuff downloaded? Yeah, she did. And she had her, like, neck pillow on, like, she had her whole setup. And then she watched, I saw, because obviously the iPad is 32 inches, so I saw clearly that she was watching Crazy Rich Asians. Love that movie. One of my favorite movies.

And a great plane movie. I've probably seen that ten times. And if it's on a plane, I'm watching it. It's escapism. Right. And I love that she was, you know, appreciating that the culture, the lore of crazy rich Asians. Right. I would like a sequel.

Right. Me too. Personally. And so she's watching Crazy Rich Asians. And I'm like, okay, queen, get into it. And so she's watching. And then I look over and it's the part, it's like the one of the first, I think it's the first time you see Henry Golding shirtless. It's like when they first.

get there and they're like ooh it's like implied that they're you know they pan to the fireplace they're going to do boot they're going to do um what's it called um they're going to go to pound town they're going to do bam bam yeah someone's going to take them to pound town someone's taking someone to pound town they're both visiting together yes and so he's like leaning on the doorframe like shirtless right and i'm like okay and i the only reason i remember that's the part she was watching is because the rest of the plane ride she rewinded that one part shut up I'm not kidding. And I, at to a point where I was like, I was watching her do it because I wanted to make sure she was still doing it.

But again, brightness all the way up. Of course, on a 32 inch iPad. Yeah, a flat screen right there. And she's just going like this. And then she's watching it again. Well, here's my thing with movies. You can stop whenever you want. You can end the story wherever you want.

That's why I only watch Atonement up to the library scene and then I turn it off. So you could just, it's just a short film about that character shirtless. Exactly. I think it's bad. Your movie going experience, you create the movie going experience you deserve. Right. I love that she did that on a plane because it's not private. And I still think about her to this day.

And that plane ride, five hours. We went to Hawaii. So we were flying from L.A. to Hawaii. And five hours, like literally, five, sometimes five and a half hours. Depending on the dead stream. Right. So she didn't watch movies. Trade wins.

They play a role. She didn't watch any movies really until like hour two after she had her meal. She had her snacks. Then she sets up her whole thing. And she said, time to watch my favor show. But what confused me... She said, in-fight entertainment. What confused me was watching the movie all the way up until that point and then never

watching past it. The rest. I would want to know what happened, but more respect to her. I mean, who knows what she had been going through? Right. And I, so many times that I literally tapped my fiance and I go... And we were both watching her watch that a million times. And then afterwards, like, when she got tired, she just locked it.

Is she closer? Then she woke up, unlocked it. No. I swear to God. I still think about her all the time. I wonder, I hope she's doing well. I hope she's doing it. I mean, I hope she's so in Hawaii.

Maybe she is. Living her best life. With Henry Golding. With Hen. We can only hope. I can only help. Henry Golding. I hope you found your busy fan.

I do think you should live, laugh, love, and dance like no one's watching on planes. Like, you should do, like, it's, you're never going to see those people again. Right. I mean, with, like, obviously, be respectful. Right. But I feel like planes are like a safe space. That's a place. for you to just kind of do what you need to do. Let your flag fly. Because you're in the air.

International waters sometimes. Marshal law. Up in the sky. Up in the sky. What's the craziest thing that's happened to you on a flight? Like, or random. Oh, well, I was flying to Seattle a few weeks ago for my tour and I was sexually harassed by the man next to me. Really? Yeah, which has been happening more and more since I dyed my hair blonde. Blonde. I went blonde for work. Not more fun, but more sexual harassment. more sexual harassment. So I've been dealing with that a bit more. But I have a laptop.

Okay. I know women are allowed to get them now. So I have a laptop with stickers on it because I want to make it my own. And I have a sticker that I used to sell that says I only sleep with socialists. So that's a sticker on my laptop. And this guy next to me who then I later saw watching Trump rallies on his iPad, not 32 inches, because he's a fucking cheap skate. He was, he goes, first of all, he sits down. He's like, how are you?

Blah, blah, blah. Fine. I have my headphones in. A talker on a point of home. He then is asking me, oh, do you wear headphones? So no one will talk to you? Well, clearly it's not working. So then he goes, can I ask you about your stickers?

I was like, mm-hmm. And he's like, is this one true? And I was like, I was like, it's interpretive. I just wanted to end the conversation. I don't know you. You're like 65. You're weird. You're like ugly in your face is like really red.

You know how Republicans are all really red in the face? Because they're so mad. Yeah. Like a couch in your grandparents' house. Exactly. And I was just like, I need you to stop looking at me. And so then he was then like, is it true? Like, do you really, he just kept wanting to talk to me about the sticker that's like so inappropriate and I don't know you.

And then I turned, he just like kept asking me. Then I turned on, I watched Vogue Beauty Secrets for five hours because they have them on Delta. I watched, I think I watched 20 of them. And he kept trying to, he kept looking over at my screen to see what I was watching and shaking his head. And then at one point he tapped me. He's like, this isn't very. socialist. I was like Vogue beauty secrets? I don't think

they're politically affiliated. I don't think it's anything but beauty secrets. It's beauty secrets. Let's not make it anything more than it is. And then he kept trying to talk to me during the flight and I kept not taking my headphones out. Then I was scared to get up to pee because I didn't want to interact with him. I was in the window seat. And so then he got up to pee so I quickly got up to pee and I told the guy next in the aisle,

I need to pee while he's up because he's being so weird with me and just making me uncomfortable. And he kept like, you know, moving his leg a little bit closer and stuff like that. So this guy, I mean, bless his heart, he was just trying to help. But when I came back from the bathroom, he was like, do you want me to switch seats with the guy? And I was like, I think that's going to just draw more attention to it. And I was trying to be quick about it. Yeah, we were like four hours in the flight.

And the guy starts walking back as this guy's asking me if he, I'm like, just shut up. Please leave me alone. No, I forgot saying anything. So that was uncomfortable. And I guess I haven't, I felt like I was backed into a corner quite literally. Yeah. And so that was weird and bad. That's horrifying.

It was weird and bad. It was a weird and bad thing that happened. And it's awful because it's like, what do you do? Like you can be rude, yeah, but then you got to sit there for four and a half more hours, right? Yeah. Which is like, that's like a battle you have to be willing to pick. And it's like, unless it's outright flagrant, I'm not going to pick it just depending on circumstance. Oh, and by the way, it was 5.30 in the morning.

Nice. So how is your brain already operating on that level? How are you sexually harassing someone before 6 a.m.? It's crazy. Honestly, it's impressive. Yeah. But I thought about going to talk. You open your eyes, creep. Like, you know what?

Okay, I'll bite. Yes, I only sleep with socialists. Yeah. I almost went to talk to the flight attendants to see if we could switch seats or something. But I feel like you're either going to get a flight attendant who's really nice and puts you in first class where there's one open seat or you're going to get someone that's like wants to kill you. And ultimately makes it worse and comes over to ask the guy. It says if you can get out of my fucking face immediately. If you don't back the fuck off right now.

I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, but my worst nightmare would be like the person comes. comes over to talk to the guy and say, like, you're making this woman uncomfortable. I know. Tell him. Tell him how you. Oh, so you want him to kill me. Yeah, tell him. Tell him what you told me back there secretly. To his face. Yeah. What you told me in confidence, because I'm a gay male flight attendant and you thought you could trust me. Why don't we just run that back quickly. Yeah, go out. Tell him. Literally, don't be afraid. Tell him. No, and I was afraid. And I didn't tell him.

Well, I'm sorry that fucking happened. That's fucking awful. Did he try to talk to you after the flight? He was like, is this your pink bag? I was like, I got it. It's fine. Don't come near me. And I just Ran. I ran. Yeah. I did my New York walk right off, right off the plane. And then all he saw was dust. All he saw was dust. He said, enjoy the view.

Never going to see this again. Last year, ever going to see me. I'm sure something fun has happened on a plane. I just can't think of it. Honestly, I have a story kind of similar to yours happening now, which is crazy. I'm sexually harassing you. Yeah, yes. But I was at like a photo shoot, right?

But there's a whole bunch of people there, so including my team and everything, right? And it was a photographer. and he first of all when I got there like when I went down and they were like oh we're ready to shoot you

because they're shooting many people at the same time so they're like oh it's your turn and so I go and he's like I can't work in these conditions that's like my impression of him

which is like really like self-important photographer and to me pitch perfect because I'm imagining this guy I'm seeing it so it's very like I could never I can't shoot in this lighting like if I looked over too fast

you'd have a brian totally And so he was like, as soon as he saw me, he was like, you're Drew? And I go, yeah. And then he goes, welcome. Like, it's almost like it just flipped. Like, it immediately turned into a big creep. And so then at first it started off kind of like, yeah, you look great.

You look so, yeah, you look great. Like, okay, right, which I know photographers will be like beautiful. Go gas you up. It's part of the vibe. And you know how sometimes if photographers are like recording you or taking pictures of you, if they want to adjust something and there's no one around. Because sometimes they'll be like, can someone please fix hair? Can someone please fix her shirt?

They'll be like, do you mind if I touch you? That's what I've been asked many times by men, women, anyone, right? And so I'm like, yeah, that's fine. But he never asked me. And so, like, in the beginning, he wasn't really coming near me. But I already, I just, I like to think I can smell a dude like that like a drug dog. Like I'm, like, yeah, like I'm being walked in the airport in a circle right there before CSA. Yeah.

And they're like, just walk through. it's fine, he's not going to do anything. That's me with creepy guys. I am the same. I'm the same. I just know. My skin is crawling. Mine too.

And I just some like alarms going off. Same. But sometimes, yeah, you just, you got a photo shoot. Yeah. So like, and then we move to the next location, which involves him being a lot closer to me. Whereas before he had to shoot me behind a table. And so then when I'm like standing there, he's like, so like, what's your thing? And I go, what do you mean?

And then he goes, like, you know, why you're here. And then I go, I make fun of awful men on the internet. And then he goes, no, seriously. Also, mind you, this guy's in his 50s. So why are you talking to me like we're the same age? We're not. No. We're not the same age.

No, you were in college and I wasn't even born yet. I wasn't even conceived yet. You weren't even a twinkle in your mother's eye. Yeah, yeah. You were literally filing single form tax forms, W-2s. So then he's talking to me and he's like, I tell him. And then he goes, they said something like, you have a podcast. I go, yeah, that's one of the things I do.

And then he goes, if I was on your podcast, what would you and I talk about? Ew. And I'm dead at, like, like, a child. Like, I was like, this is so juvenile and I'm at least 50 years younger than you. Also, he's at work. Hey, buddy. You're a job to do. Take the damn picture.

Yeah. And so he's like, what would we talk about? And then I go, I don't know, probably creepy photographers. Do you know a lot about those? And then it's awkward. Like, and the only person there is my cousin Adam, who doesn't. my hair and makeup. And he was facing me because he was like, I hated that guy so much. I felt like I had to stand there the whole time because he just kept trying to get closer

to me, closer to me, whatever. And so I was like, probably creepy photographers. Do you know anything about that? And then we were just making eye contact. And he goes, yeah, you know, that does, you know, that does happen. And not that I'm looking at these lights. You know what? Like, actually, guys, can we? And he just turned around. I was like, oh, crazy how you don't want to talk anymore. Fucking weirdo. I would not want to be on the other end of you, of you know what I mean? Like just eviscerate the guy. Like that's, I mean, so many situations you feel like you can't say anything. So I am, wow, that's well done. You probably made him feel bad for two minutes, which is more than maybe anyone else has ever done. Ever done ever in his life. Also, married. He had a wedding ring on

and mentioned he had kids multiple times. I was like, oh, love that. Love that too. And then I told, I was like telling my family and my team, I'm like, you're really lucky that I'm at work. Yeah. Because if you caught me as a civilian and you were acting like this, forget it. Different. Well, so what are you in that situation? Like, did you tell the people that put the photo shoot together? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I told my family and my team and my team insisted on telling them.

And I was like, that's fine. I don't care if you tell them. I don't mind at all. That's, yeah. And it's one of those where, like, it was too much. Like, it's just you're pushing it and you're going to make me turn into the Incredible Hulk. And when I do that, I wake up naked in a ditch, dead bodies all around me. All your clothes are tattered.

Right. And then there's... Well, that's very empowering because I think a lot of people, one, wouldn't say anything in the moment and then two, it's sort of, you know, it fizzles and you just decide

I'm not going to say anything, but what does that accomplish? I just think it's like, it's hard. There is still that thing of like, well, I don't want to be the one that complained. Yeah.

But I think like we need to try to shed that a little bit. And I'm speaking as someone that doesn't all the time. Right. Like people will be creeps to me and I'm like, whatever it's like, it's over for me, but that's bad. I need, we need to like be protecting other women.

Absolutely. Well, and I think, too, it's like, it is a testament to the workforce, too, because a lot of times, when it happens at work, like, even I, like, someone like myself, who if given the opportunity, I would have swung. Sure. But, like, obviously, we're in a different context, so I can't do that. And even I was, like, hesitating to really say what I wanted to say because of what I was shooting. It was very big and very important. So that's why I was like, I don't want to look unprofessional, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. But they're being unprofessional.

Yeah, exactly. That's what's so frustrating about it. Right. He didn't even realize how he was just setting you up to Alioop. He's like, what we talk about on the podcast? You're like, I have some ideas. Yeah, that's kind of as good as it could go. Right.

That's why I'm like, that's how I'll handle it now. But also, I'm like, you're lucky you caught me when I'm about to be 30 because in my late teens, early 20s, I was insane. For lack of a better term. More sort of reactive. Yeah, no, I was very reactive and I was very physical. Like I didn't really spend a lot of time talking when men were being like that. What did you do? Oh, I've fought many.

I've fought men before. But it doesn't really go that far because as soon as they see, I'm like for real. As soon as they see, all of a sudden, it's like, you look like the rock from the back and they're like, fuck. I said, you're not intimidated by me? Take off my top. Turn around. Different story. Wow.

At that point. That's cool. That's awesome. I've only slapped a guy once and it's one of the best things I ever did. Oh, that's good. It was cool. How was it? It felt good.

Yeah. I was drunk and in college, so that's why I felt emboldened to do that. But that's the only physical. I got punched in the chest too in college once because I made out with a girl's crush who was on my – so I was on a water polo team with a girl, and we both had a crush on the same guy. She said it out loud first. Okay. And then I made out with him for 20 minutes in his dorm and he never spoke to me again.

But she punched me in the chest. Damn. So that was an L. I took an L that day. Big L, yeah. And I was just like, ow. Why the chest? Why did you do that? I don't know.

I think it even surprised her that she did it. Imagine you guys just became best friends after that? We were still friends. That's great. We were still on the same, you know, we were playing water polo, and we had to let bygones be bygones, but it's tough when in matters of the heart. Were you good at water polo? I was pretty good.

I was better at defense than offense. My throwing arm is a little weak, but, yeah, Boston College had a club team, and I played as a team as well. Oh, cool. I love that. Yeah, it was fun. It felt like a very California thing to do. Right. My family's like in the water sports. We are bad at land sports. Oh, okay. But in the water?

Water? Different story. Forget it. Yeah. So swimming water polo. I guess there was some hockey and tennis in there too. But yeah. Water polo was kind of the only sport I wasn't terrible at. That's cool, though. Water polo is fucking hard. It's really hard and it's vicious. It's kind of cool, though. I think it's a place where women really, like, they let their animalistic instincts kick in. And they are like beating each other up in the water. Under the water, too. It's like insane. You have to have short nails. They do a nail check because you could scratch people. The amount of times hands were inside my bathing suit pulling me down. But it's like it makes you feel alive.

Right. You're releasing all of it. Yeah. It's funny, you brought up water polo. That's one of the few sports that I, like, genuinely I couldn't do. Like, because I grew up an athlete. I played a lot of different sports. But like Waterpolo, my mom just randomly was like,

hey, I think I want you guys, you guys should try out for water. water polo. Mind you, my sister and I, land sports. Totally. Right. So, like, we've never done water sports. Nothing wrong with that. I'm, at this point in my life, I know for a fact, like, am I a strong swimmer? No. But am I a leisure swim? Yes. Like, I love a leisure swim. But I don't want it to feel like I signed up for, like, a decathlon or a chariot. Or that you're fighting for your life. Yeah. Like, I don't want to feel like a Coast Guard. I want to feel like I'm on vacation.

Yeah. Right. So I, my sister and I were like, okay. And so she goes, yeah, we have a pool. I'm like, well, I'm sure there's a lot of other things you should know before the pool. Before you try out. Yeah, and she goes, it's tomorrow. Oh, okay. No, for sure. And so me and my sister were, we're just practicing in the pool. Like, we're doing the little like egg beater thing, right, to stay above. I couldn't do it. And my parents were like, okay, perfect. Let's go to the trail. So we go the next day. And before you, even get to the water polo part. They make you swim, like up and down four times, but up and down is one. Yeah. Right. Didn't know that part either. Like I said, not a very strong swimmer. So we're

swimming these laps, and like, I get so gassed. I didn't even finish, like, the first pass of the first lap. I start walking. But then I'm, like, moving my arms. And then they're like, no walking, no walking. Like, as soon as I got to the part where I could walk, I start walking, I'm like,

I'm not walking. I'm standing fully up. And then they're like, feet on the ground. And I still did all four at a snail's pace. Like I think they were almost done with the trial by the time I finished. It was over, yeah. Yeah. And then they sent us home. Like they didn't even let us get to the water pole apart.

They were like, I think you should go home. And I said, okay, then to make matters worse, I drank so much pool water on accident that I got so violently ill. You can drown from that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I kind of wish I did because that was honestly humiliating. So like they sent me home and they said, you guys can still have these. though, and we had water polo shirts with the club name on it.

I bet they're kind of swaggy, though. They were really, yeah, we actually did. I had them for years. I think I threw it out when I went to college, but they sent us home early. They were like, you should go home. They said the best thing that we could do for all of us is if you guys left. Because not only can you not swim, but you might actually make other people worse at water polo. Yeah, they're like watching you.

It's kind of like watching an old dog eat breakfast. It's just kind of a bummer. They call that a good coach. Right. And if you're good at landsports, why put yourself through that? Water sports are so brutal. It's like you're getting wet, you're getting, you're cold, you're in the, people are peeing in the pool. It's like you're kicking.

It's a lot. And if you're better at land, so what was like your big sport? Soccer, honestly. That's so sexy. Not to objectify soccer players, but soccer is just, I mean, it's like, I think it's a beautiful sport. Right. So much more beautiful to me than football, which feels crass and damaging physically. Well, you can guess to all of that.

Yeah. And also, like, no one gives a fuck about football outside of us, like, in the U.S. Yeah. Not us in this room. And even I don't. So that's what's crazy about it. One of the funniest jokes my sisters ever said to me was, like, my sister's a lesbian for context. Okay. Thank you for telling me. You're welcome. I feel like you could have mentioned it earlier. I know. My bad. I didn't want it to be a hallmark of her. Again, she's right here. But she told me, like, the best part of releasing the pic me and me was not pretending to like football anymore. She was like, ugh, I hated it.

And she would pretend to like it. I mean, I have been there. Are you kidding? I dated a guy who went to Ohio State. I had to go to so many football games. And like pretend to be invested. I tried to learn the rules dozens of times. I just kept saying, why are they stopping?

Right. A thousand times. When you watch them live, too, it's even more. On the TV, it's like, I've seen people say like the last like four minutes of a quarter is real time, two hours. on TV it lasts a hundred million years. Yeah, there are some sports I feel like, like I feel that way about baseball. Like I'm very... Well, you know, they change the rules to make the games quicker.

Because even baseball fans were like, you guys have to figure this out. We can't do it anymore. Yeah, because you pan back and I'm a skeleton in the chair. I mean, it's crazy. The most exciting thing that happened of baseball was when Smile did that viral marketing two years ago, when they had people behind home plate smiling. And props to them for changing the rules because so many sports just wouldn't do that. I don't even know what they changed, but I know that the games are faster.

It doesn't feel like it sometimes. It doesn't feel like it. Yeah, and I feel like I've said before, if baseball was all highlights, I would be more inclined to pay attention. Absolutely. But it's everything in between that makes me want to kill myself. Well, I was flying out of L.A. when the World Series Game 3 was on, and people were getting off their flights and stopping to watch TV. If I'm getting off a flight, I can't, I don't know what would have to be on the TV screen to me to stop and watch it. I want to go home. You couldn't pay me. I'm on my way to something.

I'm not going to stop and just see who wins the big game. It's like if you just get out of the airport, you might catch it at home. I can't fathom it. I can't. And I try to not be too harsh on sports fans because maybe that energy like maybe somehow equates to less mass shootings because like men have something to do with their time. I don't know. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. But I'm just like how are people so wrapped up in it? I think that all the time. And I think that a lot about men who are violently misogynistic, which means inherently they think all women's interests are frivolous and stupid. And I was like, I mean, you watch other grown men hit each other. In Caprize, by the way. Yeah, shins out. Think about that. Right. And it's crazy. It's funny because

when we recently came back from a trip with my whole family, including my parents, and my dad, for context, is a really big dude. So is my fiance. So like older misogynistic men who live, love sports. When they see my dad or my fiance, it's like, it feels like they saw a famous person. So they're always like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I have to talk to you about sports, which is insane because neither. My dad is a former NFL player. My dad doesn't give a fuck about football. Like my doesn't care about, that's so cool. Like he doesn't care. Like he'll watch it, but he doesn't care. And my fiance is the same way. So this older man like saw my dad was wearing, I believe a Yankees hat, but it was like red. It's just the color. Like my dad just

likes the color. Sure. So he's like, oh my god, are you worried about the game? Because I think it was the same day as one of the World Series games. And then my dad goes, I'm not worried. Like he just says very frivolous things. That man said that one thing, right? And then they were like, ha, ha, ha, right? Sat down on the plane. Whole flight. Get off the plane. Go all the way to baggage claim. Finds my dad a baggage claim. Talks him for 40 minutes about just baseball. And that's the dangers of wearing a sports team on your person. And it's funny because my dad is so like such a hermit. Like he hates attention.

He meets talking to strangers for long periods of time. And so he's just going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, like listening. That guy talked at my dad for that long. Your dad had an inherently female experience. Exactly. What's it feel like? What do you get? You're so family-oriented.

Right. It's like, I love this. I would watch a show of you and your family, like navigating the biz, going on vacation. The most insane things happen to us all the time. And it's funny because that man was talking, when my dad, that man was talking, he worked football into the conversation, talked about that too. I was talking about all these different, like, games he was at, these players that he's watched, like, the hats that he had, whatever, right? Also, worked transphobia into the conversation. Don't know how he did that.

My dad was like. The mental gymnastic. He's a gymnast, too. Right. And then he does all that. And then I, my dad's were laying it to us after we leave. And then I'm like, isn't it insane that grown men like, that man was in his 70s, like his hair was white and wispy? and gone, mind you.

And he's bragging about the accomplishments of other men greater than himself. You're a loser. Yeah, a loser with no one to talk to. Yeah, and no personality. If you have nothing up here other than facts about other men. You're seeing out someone's dad at the airport in baggage claims. You're harassing my dad at the baggage claim. Well, what's really scary about those conversations is they start with sports,

then they move on a transphobia, and then they start pitching you businesses. So that can be so scary. That can be so scary. so my heart goes out to your dad. I hope he's okay. I know I took my dad recently to a Clippers game because my dad loves basketball. Like that's my dad's favorite sport to watch. No, that's a sport.

Yeah, but he has no favorite team. He just likes to watch. And I took my dad, like, just to two of us, which was fun. And it was like a court side thing, which is cool. But when we got there, my dad wore a wife-beater. And my dad is, like, he body-built, he did bodybuilding competition like last year or whatever. So my dad's a big dude. Like, he's big right now, especially.

And, like, I told my family, I said, taking him to that game and that tank top was, like, dropping a rib eye in a tiger cage, bitch. I can't imagine. When they saw him, like, and they were like, big guy, big guy. They start, like, tweaking. That's, like, weird. Like, they start freaking out. Like, they really want to talk to him about muscles and lifting. They're just, like, athlete.

Right. I'm standing closer to an athlete right now. And it's crazy how, like, these men, they've never spoken to my dad. They've never seen him. But they immediately respect him because they think he's like superior athletically. So which I don't know what the fuck that is. They see him like he is like virile. You know what I mean?

They're like this man could produce children. It's like I feel like it's very, it's biology again. It's keep coming up. I feel like it's that biological thing of like big man. Big man walk hard. Big man seek safety. Big man seek safety. Big man conquer women.

You know? It's really as that's what they're thinking. Right. That's verbatim what they're thinking. And they're like, I need to engage with this person. Yeah, I need to, I need to form an alliance with this person, as if it's like the zombie apocalypse. Well, if a war breaks out there, they want him on their team.

Honestly, I'm making sure, I would love to have my down on my team in the event of that, but my mom needs to be on my team. Okay. My mom's the go-getter. My mom's, like, she's a very solution-based person. Is she going to be out-foraging? Oh, yeah. She's foraging.

My mom's formulating a plan immediately. That's what you need. Yeah. You need both. You need brains and brawn. Right. Brone. Right.

That's important to have brawn. That's what we're missing. That's what we're missing. Would you survive in a zombie apocalypse, do you think? I think I would. I think I would be good at the strategy side. Like I think if I was in orange as a new black, I would be red, the chef, the cook, the chef, who like sort of is like everyone's a chess piece and you're moving them around. Right.

But I think people would underestimate me, especially with blonde hair, and I would actually use that to my advantage. Okay. Love that. I like to think that. I don't know. I guess we'll see in the next couple months. What happens?

Depending on what happens? We'll see, I guess. What happens today? Yeah, what about you? No, I don't think. But not because, I mean, I don't think I'm, like, physically, like, incapable necessarily. I just don't think I'd want to be around. I've said this a few times on the show, but I'm like, I mean, when my phone dies, like, what's the

What's the point? Yeah. I guess you can only hope you're with someone you would want to have sex with. And then you could do that for a while and then die. Yeah. And then after like 30 minutes, you're like, well. See ya. Well, going out on top, that's for sure.

Absolutely going out on top. I know there's so many zombie apocalypse shows. And it does make you think, like, what would my role be? I guess I'd probably flee to the suburbs. I'd go to my parents' house and hang out in the basement until they came to find me or something. I don't know. Have you watched The Last of Us? So I watched a few episodes.

And it felt like a show for straight people. Yeah. And I'm 50% because I'm by 50% gay, 50%. That's how it works. Right. But I just felt like, I don't think I need to watch it. Is that bad? It was really well done.

I feel like that about a lot of shows, to be quite honest with you. I never watch anything new. That's my cross to bear. Once again, I, like, when people are like, are you watching anything new? I'm like, nope. Well, when people ask me in my faith, what I'm watching, I'm like, I guess I'm re-watching Mad Men for the fifth time. So does that count?

Mad Men's your favorite show, right? Madman's huge for me. I saw you say that on Caleb's. It's huge for me. Why particularly that show? I just, I, I, it's the vibe. The writing is so good. The characters all have, like, such different, like, paths and journeys.

And it felt like a lot of care went into, like, the stories. Right. And that they didn't cut corners. The, like, wardrobe is amazing. The sets, everything just feels so, like, lived in and real. and obviously romanticizing like the 60s and 70s. It's like a time period I'm very interested in. So I just love watching it.

And I think there's some characters that the first time around, like where society was at, they kind of got like shot on. And then rewatching it now, I have like so much more empathy for the female characters. And even some of the male characters that are written as they're just complex. Like they all felt like complex characters who sometimes you agreed with what they did and sometimes you didn't. TV now is so disposable I'm finding. So it's hard for me to get really invested in a narrative that's just like kind of like flimsy. You know? Tell them.

It's hard. Tell them. It's really hard to be a TV viewer right now. That's what I came on here to say also in addition to saying hi to my family. So what are you watching? Are you rewatching anything? What's the classics? I rewatch modern family.

I love modern family. Speaking of well-written jokes that like are able to transcend talking about things that are really hard. Like I always reference this joke from a modern family episode where you know like Phil Dunphy always says things and he doesn't realize they're like double entendre. That's like his bit. He has this line where he goes, guys, I'm transitioning. And he's talking about changing career paths. And then Haley goes, are you really? She goes, okay, well, don't pick Jasmine because nobody wants to be friends with a 50 year old Jasmine.

That's funny. That's a good joke. That's such a hilariously written joke. That's not a mean joke and it's not a punching down joke. It's not mean. It's not punching down. and it's not a cultural reference. I think there's so much room for comedy

to come from cultural references and shows. It's when shows rest on that alone for the comedy that I'm like, okay, it's like I get the formula now. Yeah. I need something else. Yeah, so Modern Family's a big one for me. I know everybody hate... I know there's a big hate train for it,

but I love The Office. I think the Office is... Who hates the Office? People online, and I feel like a lot of times it's like, I get it because, like, the worst guy you know loves the Office. And then there's a bunch of awesome people that also love the Office.

It's kind of like friends. The worst people you know are obsessed with that show and also really cool people like the show. So it's like... Well, if you speak out about liking the office as a cool person and you get blowback, then that makes less people want to talk about it. So that's really a problem stemming from those people. How do you watch The Office and not have a good time? I don't know.

I just feel like the writing on that show is just so unbelievably funny. So funny. And it's in the stillness of awkward that it's the funniest to me. And like panning the camera. There's a really good YouTube video. I love coming on here and plugging YouTube videos. It's about how they changed Michael Scott's character after the first season because they realized it just didn't make sense. No one was like on his side ever and they re-formulated the character and to make this like sort of iconic timeless like boss character.

But I just think it's cool to I think it's great people are out there doing that type of work. Right. Looking into that sort of thing and making YouTube videos that I can then learn from. Do you have any other comfort? Do you have a comfort movie? I know you have a comfort show. My comfort movie is interstellar. Really?

Which is, I guess, surprising to some. But I just love it. Another movie where I can dip in and out of and watch different scenes and just be like, okay, that was good. And now I'm going to go to bed. I just love it. You know what's funny is sometimes I'll go, when people say, have you ever seen that movie? I go, yeah, I think so.

Maybe a long time ago. When I say that, what I mean is I've seen like maybe two scenes, not even on TikTok. I think maybe like on YouTube when I was just going down a rabbit hole. and I just feel like I got the gist. And that's fine. So I feel like... Interstellar is there to be consumed however you want to consume it.

That's my movie-going experience is watching one or two scenes with no context and then lying and telling people I've seen it. That you've seen it. That's a fun thing to do. Yeah. I don't like... One thing in conversations with...

And it happens, I hate to say it, mostly with straight guys. They'll reference someone that I obviously have never heard of and don't know. And then I'll go, yeah. Oh, okay, cool. And they go, well, do you know that person? Like, do you know of that person? I'm like, no.

I just wanted to keep the conversation moving so I could get out of it. question me when you're talking about like a jazz pianist that I've never heard of. Obviously I don't know that. You know that about me. And you know that. Because I'm a normal human being. And this is like our one conversation we'll probably ever have.

So that's how you want to spend it. I just think, yeah, if you've never, and maybe one day you'll want to watch it. Right. And it's there for you. It's being released in IMAX. The last time I watched Interstellar was recently. And then I realized, I've only seen this movie once. And I was forced to watch it for a film class that I took in college.

So like, I didn't even watch it because I wanted to. I watched it because I had to. And so I remember when I was watching it, I was super, super high when I was watching it recently. And then as I was watching, I told my sister, for some reason, I convinced myself that I thought the Martian and Interstellar were the same movie because Matt Damon is also an interstellar.

And then I thought to myself, because when I think of, and if you're wondering, no, I haven't seen The Martian. Okay, I love this. But I do know the movie poster. Yeah. And it's just him with the really zoomed in. The helmet.

Right. And I was telling my sister, I was so high watching Interstellar that I was literally thinking I made up the Martian. I was like, that's so stupid. I made up the movie poster. I made up the color. I know it's orange. It's got an orange hue to it. I literally was telling myself, I was like, I literally made up the Martian.

Like, that's crazy. You're like, the mind is so powerful. I invented a press campaign for this thing. I should write this down. So I don't forget it. And reach out to Matt Damon as soon as possible. I need to get someone on the phone immediately. It was a really confusing time because, yeah,

The Matt Damon of it all, he wasn't in any of the ads for Interstellar, and the Martian came out at the same time. And he plays, like, opposite types of astronauts. Both astronauts just sort of built from a different cloth or cut from a different cloth. So it was very confusing, and I totally see why you went there with that. And I was like, I can't believe I made up the Martian. And I was just convinced. And then I was like, I even made up the stupid title, The Martian. Like, I was telling myself that.

And then my fiancé goes, oh, yeah, he's in the Martian, too. And I go, out loud, I was like, how did you know that? And he goes, no what? Like he got, I scared him. And I go, wait, hold on. And then I took like a couple minutes and I go, okay, I'm, I'm fucking stupid. Sorry. Okay, the Martian's a real movie.

For a second, I thought I made up the Martian. For one quick minute, I thought I created the Martian. I wish that, I wish that you had. Me too. And who's to say I couldn't? Female writer. Right. That could have been huge.

I had one of my friends on who's a creator and she's super funny online too. And she, when she was on, she told me, I asked her like if she got hate online. And she goes, oh, yeah, but she goes, the worst hate I've ever gotten is when I said that I think if I was alive at the same time as Isaac Newton, I could have beat him to discovering gravity. And she said, that's the most visceral hate I've ever gone. She's like, the amount of men that were like, you fucking stupid bitch, you could never. And she goes, this is all about Isaac Newton. Like, he's dead. It's fine.

It's fine. I didn't discover gravity. You ride for this man? Also, it's a joke. That's what I said. I was like, I didn't know he had shooters like that. Isaac Newton. I don't want to talk badly on your friend.

I'm just saying if I was alive, who knows? And by the way, you can't prove that I wouldn't have. That's like my favorite thing to do to men who are like that is to say, like, well, I mean, who's to say? It's so powerful to just pose that question. Who's to say? We'll never know. I, on ride, the podcast that I host with Benny, I was saying how men don't have fashion references, and that's why all men's vintage stores are just like, soldier uniforms.

Like they just sell like Waffle T's and like the cargo pants and all that stuff. It's all like clothes people wore in World War II that they're now selling

for like $300 for a pair of pants. So I said men have no fashion references. The comments I got what do you call Kanye West? Jacob Alorti. James Dean. I'm like, do you think you dress like James Dean?

Oh, oh, I'm talking about most men. Sorry, yeah. I'm talking about yeah, sorry, no, I think we're not talking about the same thing. Yeah, I guess James Dean is a great fashion reference for you guys. And good luck with that. No, James Dean doesn't count, but why aren't you dressing like that?

Exactly. So what's stopping you from dressing like James Dean? That's my question. Just the right moment. If I had enough time, if I had enough time. It's the same thing with like the Olympics, right? Because I had Alona Mara on my podcast too, and like she's obviously an Olympian. And the amount of men that are like, I mean, I could have.

If I want, I could have, sure. Like, short, time is the reason why you're not an Olympian. Sure. Right. It's because you're too busy. That's what it is. Well, that's just what's held them back. I literally brought this up today, but Noah Beck posted that he just watched Django Unchained.

He was like, I finally had three, three hours to watch this. The movie came out in 2012. What have you been doing for the last 10 plus years that you're like, I just finally had time to catch this flick? So time has kept Noah Beck from watching Django and Change. I don't even know if you knew how much I'd be. I don't know him at all, by the way. I just am like, I appreciate this as a piece of art. What have you been up to, King?

He's been busy. Busy. He's creating. That's okay. That's all right. I get it. I have, that's why I think that too, same thing with men who think they're funny. It's like, this isn't funny to you.

Well, I wouldn't expect an unfuny person to find me funny, but like, it's, it's okay, Because I'm not, if I was seeking counsel, I'm not asking you. That's for fucking sure. No, I'm not. You're not my audience. That's what you have to remember. Yeah. So people saying I'm not funny.

I'm like, sure, whatever, I've heard it all before. But this Australian guy commented on my, uh, a joke I posted. I'm wearing this like vintage Versace dress for my special that's on YouTube. And I posted a clip from it. And he goes, this is funny, but I don't know who told her that that dress looks good on her. I guess he was, he's a divorced husband of the real housewives of Sydney or something. but it was just like, oh, so you're going to actually come at me for fashion? Yeah. Is that really what you want to talk about?

That's what you'd like to do right now. You go to his page. It's like Trump memes and then like porridge that he cooked. Nice. And it says like obviously father, but you know, writer, blah, blah, in the bio. I'm like, go, go take care of your kids. Do you know where your kids are? Yeah, I think you have bigger problems, honestly. I think that too, when men call me like fat and ugly, which is very common, I'm always like, well, I mean, beauty is. subjective, which I've said many times. So like what one person finds beautiful, the next person might not, and that's okay

and normal. But if Good Looks was a race, I know I have one bitch beat. Yeah. And it's that guy. It's you. Yeah, you're behind me for sure. The New York City Marathon, you're the last person coming in. I'm somewhere in the middle.

If at all. I'm somewhere in the middle. It's really shocking. And what people will do, even on their personal accounts, not burner accounts, not with a different profile picture. It has like their employer, their wife. wife is tagged in the bio, their kids are in, I'm like, are you not embarrassed? Right.

Why are you attacking a young woman online? It's just, I don't know. I've messaged wives before and I've sent them what their, yeah, what their husband has said to me recently. I did actually do it really recently. I did like a couple weeks ago. I sent it to someone and I said, hey, like you don't know me and you don't follow me, but this is what your husband wrote on my pictures, unsolicited and unprovoked.

And I just feel like you should know what he's doing and his first. free time because if my fiance was doing that, I would want to know. And I said, do with it what you will, right? What do you say? I actually never get responses, but this time I did. And she said, I'm so sorry about that. Thank you so much for telling me. And I just didn't respond because there's really nothing more I can say after that. But like, I just think, like, even when I've said that before, I've had men delete it, I would say, like, does your girlfriend know or your wife know that you do this? Or should I tell her? That's what I always comment back. Again, I would not want to be on the receiving end of that from me. I would

if I got a DM from you that said, hey, did you know, dot, dot, dot, I would just throw my phone in the Hudson and jump in after it. Like, I'm done. I'm cooked. I don't want to know. I don't know and I don't want to know. I'm just going to end it right now. And I've had them deleted immediately and then message

me and say, why would you say that to me? Why would you do that? Like, my wife doesn't care, blah, blah. And I go, then why did you delete your shit? Your wife doesn't care. You're just hiding it now. And it's always, it's almost like a, we don't need, okay, like, like, We're all having fun. Let's not. But you do such great work with screenshots.

I feel like you have receipts. You did one video I remember about receipts. Yeah. About like, I don't know if someone had commented something negative or like they were maybe trying to hit on you or something. I don't know. There was some thing that happened where you were like, I have screenshots. Yeah.

Of your behavior. Yeah. Like the receipts are there. You can't run from this. I made a video like not too long ago, probably a few months ago when I was still on Twitter. I'm not on Twitter anymore. but like I saved screenshots and I used them in that video. They were two years old.

I remember the day I took them. I screenshot them and I was like, just in case. Just in case. And then there's a, I've talked about recently, I even did it on Caleb's podcast recently talking about I know a guy who I know hates me because he's a bad person. Can you tell me after? Yes, I will tell you.

I don't think you'll know who it is, but like, yeah. I'll tell him because not a lot of people know, like who this guy is, but he hates me and I know that. It's documented and I saved that screenshot too, which is funny. But he smells really bad and like genuinely smells very bad. Like when I say like, you know, when cats asses stink because you're like they need to get something out of there. Yeah. Like when they lift their tail up and you're like, oh my God.

Like when they're on the back of the couch. Ew. That's what it smells like. It's pretty horrifying. And I told everyone I'm like, he better never turn on me. Because you've got your ammo's loaded. And now that I know you stink. think it's going to be even funnier.

Because not everyone would know that. Now I know you stink. You were in proximity to him, basically? Yeah, many times. I've been next to him many times. It's so strange how he hates me so fucking much and I know that. And he is with me at so many things. Like we get invited to the same shit all the time.

He's an influencer that smells bad? Yeah, girl. That means he has... Good luck narrowing it down because there's a million of them, I'm sure. That just means he has no real friends to me. That's sad. No, for real. I thought the same thing.

Like, does anyone in your life care about? about you because if I was walking around with stink lines above my head like that, I would want someone to tell me. I find it really odd when people are aged who live in cities, metropolitan areas smell. Right. What's going on? Especially men who are doing well. Shower. They have a lot of money. Where's it going? Not to toothpaste. That's the most shocking thing. When people, I'm like, toothbrushes cost $2. Just use one. Or even buy, I don't know, buy a pack of gum. Something. If you can't brush, please. At the very least, get some gum.

Yeah, I mean, I would be curious, like, from your perspective, just getting people that are, like, you know, giving you or, like, just insulting you. I mean, it just rolls off the back. Like, was there a point where you decided that, like, I'm not going to take any of this shit seriously? No, I haven't taken it seriously from the day I blew up. Like, the day I say all the time, like, the video that made me go viral was very specific red flags in men. and I had very specific red flags in men So I had a list behind me of like I did a note note app

Oh yeah And I did like 15 things on there And it was like if he you know Loves Tom Brady Not a Bucks or a Pass Just Tom Brady If Wolf of Wall Street's his favorite movie of all time Like if he thinks there's no movie

That's ever been made that's better than that If he wears a backwards hat in the pool You really came for them You know what I mean It's like and so I was very specific So that's the video that blew me up. When that happened, obviously, I had a lot of people being like, oh my God, this is so funny.

Then I had a whole bunch of men sending me a whole bunch of fucking hate, like just saying the most awful things I've ever seen, which is at the time, I think it was like 25-ish, like 25. Yeah, I want to say. And I grew up on the internet to some extent, right? So like I was there with Myspace and when YouTube first launched, and so like YouTubers and all that shit. So I had never experienced any amount of,

hate ever because I'd never done anything like that before. Yeah. But I do remember like seeing all of it and laughing. Like I was like, this is funny because like they're telling me I, I'm ugly and I go and look and I said, well, looks isn't something I would bring up if I were you. Well, the call is coming from inside the house. Well, it takes one to no one, doesn't it? A big thug-o on the internet. Yeah, there's two of us here, Queen. We're looking in a mirror twin, which is like so funny. So I posted videos and I, I've said before, I used to be a lot meaner, like online, because nobody knew who I was, so I wasn't getting flagged.

Yeah. And so I was saying the meanest shit I could possibly think of to only men. They're so funny. Yeah, and, like, all of those videos are gone now. Like, once I became, like, someone, they took all of them down, like, in one TikTok did? Yeah. Because they were violating guidelines, okay, okay.

But then the, but those guys can make those videos and not get them taken down? Yeah, you know what's crazy is I've heard before that it's not the same thing when they make awful shit about me because I'm a public person and they're not. So that's like seen as like they're allowed to do that because I'm a public person. But like me doing it about them is is fucked up and not cool. Well they, they, I feel like they opted out of privacy when they made the video. Yeah, you would say it is. Especially when their first and last names are on all of their shit.

Like so I every time I'm like when people are like, does it ever like actually no? Because like I'm not listening to an ugly bitch call me ugly. No. No, I'm not. I'm not even entertaining it. I'm not even listening. Yeah. I'm so far ahead of you in the race called life that it doesn't matter to me.

Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, no, I don't get my validation from that. Do you get a lot of hate? I get a lot of hate and people just saying I'm not funny, which it's like, okay. Yeah, like you said to you. That doesn't really bother me because, like, I know I'm funny. And I, my audience is, I say this at the beginning of my special. It's girls and gay guys and the street men who love us.

Right. So if you don't fall into that, then I don't really care. care about making you laugh. In fact, I don't want to make you laugh because then I'm probably doing something wrong. But it's a lot of that just and anything political, people will comment, obviously, enraged. Anything about sex, oh, all female comedians talk about is sex. Yeah, why is that the new thing that they say as if men are not doing not doing that? Not doing that. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like they just parrot it back. But I think when, you know, maybe as the, as comedy has progressed. Like back in the day, maybe women were pigeonholed into talking more about sex

stuff to, like, be able to perform on the same stages as men, because that's something men would actually laugh at. But what's tough is like, I know a joke about sex or dating will get a lot more views and shares because it's relatable. So it's like those things might not be my smartest jokes, but like they're the ones that will get the most eyes. So then you get followers off that and then you can post stuff that's more whatever, like speaking to my voice. So people don't understand that one, commenting is actually good for me, because then it's going to show up for more people. And two, it's part of the plan.

It's like, yeah, I'm getting more eyes on my profile to get more followers to then. But it's hard. It's like, it's that like self-fulfilling prophecy of like, well, I have to post a sex joke because it's going to get seen by more people, but then it might end up on the wrong side of Instagram or whatever. And you just kind of, I, it is white noise to me, truly. I don't, I have a live audience that are telling me if I'm funny. Nothing you can type behind your little computer.

screen is going to have me quaking. And I can confidently say it's far more nerve-wracking, doing it live. Like, that's what, like, I can say with conviction now, because I've only done it once. And I was shaking in my fucking boots because I was so nervous because they will tell you if they like it or not. Like, that's kind of the whole point of they're paying you to entertain them. And a joke bombing hurts a lot more than, like, a negative comment. Exactly.

A joke bombing is like, I was so, oh my gosh, I was so nervous about it. And I feel like, too, that's another reason why comedy is starting to flourish. Like you were saying, it's, it, the, obviously the marrying of social media with comedy is a lot of bad, but also good because then you're seeing people that you would never otherwise see. Like you were saying, it's a lot harder to get put in certain rooms where they are recording or they'll post clips. Whereas, like, the club scene is where 90% of it's happening. So when people are able to record and put them online, then you can see, like, new forms of comedy and new comics that don't, look like what we're used to saying all the time. Like a man in pajamas.

Talking about how much he hates his fucking wife. His bitch wife. His bitch wife who loves Target. He loves Target and he hates, he hates his in-laws too. And I think that's important to also touch upon. And his wife won't fuck him. So, but that's funny. Yeah, he wants to fuck all the time, but she doesn't.

She doesn't want to. Yeah. It's very, and I've, I've even made jokes before saying, like, when I've talked about bad joke writing. it's just punching down. It's the lowest form of comedy. It's also the lowest hanging through. It's, yeah, anyone can make a racist joke.

Anyone can make a transphobic joke. But that doesn't make it a good one. Just because it's easy to see and pluck doesn't mean it's good. No, and challenge yourself to, like, say something different that's never been said before, hopefully. But I think the whole, like, the backlash from the Trump-M-SG rally, I've just been, like, kicking my feet with glee. I'm like, that really fucking backfire, didn't it? Yeah, I know. I thought you're being funny.

It's not funny. Again, like, it wasn't. funny on top of it being racist. It wasn't funny 50 years ago either, by the way. A hundred years ago. Like, it's never funny. And I even said, the same thing, like, that you said, I don't want to make you laugh. That's how I feel, too, about people like that.

Because I'm like, well, clearly we're not aligned in any way, shape, or form. I don't want you watching me and I don't want you laughing as fuck. On top of that, but I'm like, if I look around and the only people laughing are people who's whereabouts on January 6th are still in question. Yeah. I need to be checked into. hospital something's wrong with yeah there's something's gone terribly wrong something's gone terribly wrong and we need to check on it i don't um like dave chapelle is a comedian anymore and i think what he's doing

to the trans community it just i don't understand it it baffles me i'm like so vehemently against it but when he walked away from his comedy central show he did say like i was i was looking around the room when we were doing chapelle's show and the wrong people were laughing yeah and i think he just saw that like maybe the sketches were appealing to the wrong people. And so I think like it's tough. There's so many comedians that I once admired who you kind of have to just like let that go. Yeah. But sometimes they still made good points. You know, back in ancient history, not not in present day. Yeah. Which is so disappointing. But yeah, it is like you don't, I don't know. There's jokes I've told it. I've told once. I'm like, you know what? I actually don't like the way that that made me feel.

Yeah. And I think as like a white woman, I don't really touch on like race that much or. Just issues where I feel like maybe my voice is not like a valuable medium for the conversation. Yeah. Well, and also, like you said, it's like you need to have a very good perspective. If you're operating from a very high place of privilege and you want to do comedy. Because there are certain lenses that you, like Chris Fleming is a perfect example of someone whose lens is so specific. I could never in my wildest dreams. Do I wish I could?

I wish I could procure that imagery. or the way he uses language. Yeah, like I just, I watched a clip he posted recently where he was talking about how, like, he does have guy friends as shocking as that may sound. And he says, but my guy friends I describe as, like, men that would have also been burned at the Salem Witch trials. I was at that show. Girl, I was laughing my ass off.

I was, and he was saying, like, you know, there's like one or two men thrown in there. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, those are my friends. And he said, what he was saying, like, one of my friends, like, he talks too softly to his dad. burned. Unfortunately. I was like, I dream.

I dream of a perspective like that. And it's like, it's not hurting anyone. It's so fucking funny. And it's just so specific. I feel like the greatest humor is in specificity for me personally. Which is why when I've made jokes making fun of dudes and I've like told, like, I've told people they're like, how do I come up with like mean things to say? Like funny mean things to say to man. I'm like, well, like starting points are like you guys are going.

for the obvious kills. Like, you're saying, like, I bet it's small, or I bet, you know what I mean? And I do obvious kills, too, like you said. Like, I do have low-hanging for jokes. Like, high-in-haarlines are easy ones. Those are slam dunks because it hurts their feelings every time. The minute it doesn't affect them, I'll retire it.

Yeah. The minute it doesn't affect them, I will retire it. But I've told them, like, you've got to get way more specific. So, like, when you tell him, like, not that he looks like he has a small dick, but you say something like you look like you work at the genius bar inside the Best Buy. Yeah. That's funny.

To me. It's hard to hear. Yeah, it's hard to hear. Like, if I say something to, like, someone where I'm like, you, you personally look like you were, like, really involved on campus. That's funny. Me. And it's funny because I've seen something that said that, something of that nature, and I've sent it to Caleb. And then he messaged me back and said, hey, block me.

Block me, yeah. That's because I clocked him. Someone who's very involved. Some people don't want to see that in themselves. Wait. Wait, wait, I wanted to ask you this too. Sorry for running out of time. No, you're fine. I think I saw you one time. This was maybe like two years ago. Someone was ripping your videos word for word. Did that happen? No, that is true. So it's really hard to be like a public creator because obviously you want to put that stuff out there. But like copying is such a real thing. And it's such a real thing in stand up. Especially because if you're doing it at live shows, like it's not really going to catch up with you because like the person who you're copying most likely won't see it. But I will say there's some. people I've been getting texts about of like, oh, this person's doing your material or I heard this joke that you have been doing for years that they're doing. Like, how do you deal with that?

Like, doesn't, I mean, to me, it's the most frustrating part of the job. I'd get a thousand hate comments over having someone steal a joke of mine. But how do you feel like about that? Well, when it happened, that was like, that was two years ago. That was, and it was a girl. And she, like, word for word was ripping off like, and it's crazy because like, again, like, this. This is a white girl. So the way that I talk is very specific to me. When you verbatim rip off my vernacular, it sounds foreign. It sounds like you're doing a black set almost.

I mean, that's a whole other thing I can talk about for an hour. Right, which is crazy. So that's how I know, like, I don't know how anyone could have possibly thought that that was actually you talking because you would never say that. You would never say that verbiage, right? But like, when I found it, I was pissed and I was a, especially angry because the jokes that she was ripping off verbatim, like, she literally would just save my videos and copy them word for word, including when I say things like, but I digress

or like little isms that I have that I say constantly. Maybe she was confused about what lip syncing onto stuff is. She just like, she should have just taken the audios at that point. She memorized the whole thing. Right. And so like, and it sounds so clunky coming out of her mouth because that's not how she talks or how she delivers jokes. Like, and so I remember the part that made me the most upset other than just ripping off my bid was the fact that the men that she was fucking up because she was using them to make fun of men were being nice to her like they were literally in her comments saying like oh this is so funny yeah you got me hey tough but fair you know tough but fair and then i said that's insane because i said that exact same fucking thing and you

bitches wanted me burned at the stake speaking of the salem witch trials these men were all about like body shaming being bad when I fucking said it. Yeah. But then when this bitch says it, all of a sudden, it's like, she's just funny. What are you going to do? She's giving me the business. You know what I mean? That would have made me.

I mean, I probably would have wanted to find out her address. It drove me, like, insane to the point where, like, I made a video about it and I didn't even tag her because I was like, I'm not trying to dogpile her. I just need you to know I've seen it and I better not see it again. Yeah. And so then she kind of went on this whole, like, that's not true. And then people, someone made a video, and actually I made one too that prompted them to do it,

which is like you're going to double down on this isn't true. And so then I put every video of what I said and then what she said. And then what I said and what she said, it was verbatim. Like it was creepy. It was almost like, and on top of the fact that she's not a minority at all, like she's not brown like me, it's like, again, the accent is far more jarring. It's not, it's not good. Speaking of receipts.

And after that happened, she said, because she was in the military at the time. Oh, God. And she said, or no, she had just gotten out of the military because she said, well, I'm still adjusting to civilian life. Oh, straight from the military to TikTok? Let's take a beat. What does, okay, so in civilian life, you guys go on TikTok, find people you find funny, copy everything they say, and then do it because that's just part of it. That's part of the deprogramming you go through when you get out. I don't know what they teach in military school.

I don't know what they're learning over there. They don't expel people for plagiarism at the Naval Academy or whatever. God, that, I mean, so did she, so she reached out? Not really, no. She was just posting on her own. She privated her account so I couldn't even see anything and blocked me. And then was, I was, these were being reported to me by all of my little birds. Your eyes and ears.

I mean, you have troops on the ground. I do. I do. I got a lot of sleepers. You have eyes and ears. Yeah, that's why I always say I'm various in Game of Thrones, like the master of whispers. All my little birds are everywhere. So it will make its way across my desk eventually.

Yeah. That's how you whisper my name into the wind. You're going to hear it. I'm going to hear it eventually. Yeah. Well, I think it's great what you're doing. And honestly, even just on that level, like, calling people out for stealing is tough to do. It's like, do you even want to give them the attention?

Do you want to make, do you want them to know that you know? It's like, it's really hard. And sometimes I'm like, I want to address it more or, like, leave a comment or, like, message the person. And it's some, yeah, it's one of those things. I'm a coward. You brought me here to tell me I'm a coward. And I'm figuring it out for myself. I won't stand up to guys.

I won't call out these. It's really tough, but I feel like... You're not a coward. You're a woman raised in this world. That's what happens. But what's important is that you're acknowledging that you deserve to say something. Yeah. Which I'm glad.

I'm hopeful that you will because back to you being just such an unbelievable stand-up, I just think your shit is so funny. And it's so specific to you. That's why it feels like someone's wearing your clothes. That's why when people copy my jokes, I'm like, that could have only come from my brain. I'm so sorry. Like props to you, because it is a great thing.

joke and I get why you would want to rip it from me. But like there's just no way that anyone else could think of that. Like there's no way. My jokes are very dark and I feel like the wording I use is very specific. I always put a lot of thought into like the word economy of it and the presentation style. Like I'm very deadpan and I just think when someone tries to do that, it's so obvious. Yeah. And I'm like the joy of it for me of being like a creator or a stand up or whatever it is, the writer is like the feeling I get when a joke does really well because I know that I wrote it and now other people are laughing at it. So to make a video or to copy a joke, it's like you're cheating. Like how is that even, how does that feel like an accomplishment to you when like

it's someone else's words? I don't know. I just don't understand that and it's the same thing I feel about comedians that don't have like a point of view. I'm like, what is that, how is that fun for you? You're not saying, you're not saying anything. That's why I said you're just Googling jokes and then you're just reading them off the paper. It's like, it's boring. That's why I said, like, there's nothing fun about that. And like you said, it's a very saturated market now. So, but speaking of to kind of like wrap us a little bit, like, what would you say is your best piece of advice for female comics specifically or any marginalized person that wants to do comedy? And maybe, like you said, you get, sometimes you get a little nervous, especially when you're coming up in the business. You

don't want to speak up too much. And comedy is already so difficult to navigate as a marginalized person. So what would you say is your best piece of advice for them? My best piece of advice is, to approach your career like a youngest child with a youngest child mindset, which is like, I deserve everything that I want. I'm going to nag and beg and ask people for things and not feel shame about it. And I, you have to believe in the work that you're doing. So if you do that and you know you're putting out like the best quality for where you're at in your career and you keep asking for things and you really believe that you are going to speak your like dreams into existence, that's what I would say is like I'm the youngest of six kids. I was constantly

fighting for, you know, attention, and I felt like, well, I want this so I should get it. And not to say that I got everything that I wanted as a kid, but I think that mindset. And also having older brothers of like, I had like a male confidence almost of like, well, I want this thing, so I'm going to do it. Yeah, yeah. So I think just like don't be deterred by people ignoring emails. Don't be deterred from getting told no. Like all those things will, once you start to like achieve the things that you want,

you'll know you'll have a much smaller circle of people to think. Love. Which is fine. Yeah. Oh, I have one more question for you. When it comes to crafting a joke, like, what would you say is, like, your best structure or, like, advice for people who are trying to write quality jokes? Yeah.

So I don't really do, like, a schedule time to write stuff. What I usually do is, like, if a topic comes up in conversation with my gay best friends and I can make them laugh, then I'm like, that's probably a joke. So I should write that down. Yeah. But I think you need to have gay friends for that to work. So. That's actually so.

That's how I feel about marginalized people when they, when I make them laugh, I'm like, okay, I got it. Then you got it. You have to write it down. Oh, and my other thing I would say advice, any time you have an idea that is moderately humorous, write it down. I don't care if it's two in the morning and you're falling asleep and you don't want to pull your phone out because of the light or whatever. There's a really great David Lynch compilation of him saying, if you have an idea and you don't write it down, you will want to kill yourself. That is what I would echo that statement. I'm going to amplify David Lynch in this moment and say, write it down. Just write it the fuck down.

It takes two seconds. That's so true. The amount of jokes that could have been brilliant, but I never wrote them down. I feel that I'll do that when I'm meeting up with my friends that I haven't seen in a minute. Like we haven't like physically hung out. I'll write down funny shit I thought of. And I was like, I have to remember to tell them about this. My sister and I do it all the time.

You should be doing that. We're like, write that down. Dude, write that down. Like we'll write it down. We have to remember to tell so and so. You need to just have it. Yeah. It's not going to stay in there.

Right. You're the mind palace. There's too much going on in the geopolitical sphere right now. Exactly. We need to just, if you have a humorous thought, write it down. So that's what I would say. And just, yeah, keep, keep going. And if a straight comic says something weird to you, just write a joke about it.

That's a good idea. Turn it lemons into lemonade. Exactly. We love that. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. I adore you. Thank you for all that you do. And I feel like, yeah, you make TikTok an app I want to open.

Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. I forgive you for being late. I'm really sorry. It's all right. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you all for tuning into this episode of the comment section. And thank you to my amazing guest, Mary Beth Barone.

Where can everybody find you? You can find me online at Mary Beth Barone. And I am currently touring across the country. So depending on when this comes out, I'll be in San Francisco, Boston, D.C., Philly. I'm going to be everywhere. And we're adding dates into 2025. So if you want me to come to your city, just let me know. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. Y'all go follow Mary Beth on literally everything. If you don't already and you have to go see her live, her stand-up is so good. And I'm such a fan. And I can't wait to see you. Keep soaring. Love that.

Fingers crossed. Love that for you. And if not, I take back everything I said. And you'll take the episode down. And I wouldn't blame you. Thank you so much for tuning into this episode. Don't forget new episodes of the comment section. Drop every Wednesday.

You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms or you can watch the video exclusively and for free on our favorite platforms, Spotify. Make sure y'all go follow. see Mary Beth Brown on tour, follow her on everything, obviously, and I'll see you next week. Bye.