The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - MOVE IF YOU’RE GAY Ft. Ian Smith

Episode Date: August 14, 2024

This one’s for the niche Internet girls. Comedian Ian Smith joins Drew to unpack the evil laugh competition he recently entered, obsess over obscure internet celebrities, fairy sex fan art on Patreon, Ian’s accidental foot fetish content, Magcon boys, and so much more. Drew: linktr.ee/drewafualo Ian: IG / TikTok For sponsorships/partnerships, email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh my God, the worst is when you're like with someone that's like freaking out. Yeah. And you're like, literally when people are like, oh my God, that's David Henry from Wizard of Waverly Place. And you're like crying. And you're like, bitch, we are at a super goop sunscreen event. Like, you have to calm the fuck down. Like, please go get a free margarito and some sunscreen and handle yourself in the bathroom. Go get that photo booth and relax.

Everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show. me, your favorite, who cares about me? Nobody cares about me anymore. On to the guest. Today we have the iconic, the legendary, the hilarious, Ian Smith. Also, affectionately known as Ian is ugly. True.

And I'm not saying that. That's your handle. For having me. I know ones of people have been asking for this episode. So many people. So thank you so much for having me. And I just want to say something before we even start. And I'm going to look right in the camera when I say this.

to the audience. If you are watching this and I say something funny, here's what you're going to do. You're going to screen record it and put it next to a video of slime or someone cleaning out their iPhone. Or the smushing ones. Yup. Or an iPhone game where the goal is to wax a hairy man's leg.

So please, we've got to get the clips out there. We have to. I want to see me talking next to iPhone games. That's got it. That's an order, in fact. Just make your girls dreams come true. It's actually homework. You know what's funny?

is they just recently started doing that with my show. Oh, really? I see it all the time. Yeah, they started recently putting, like, clipping my show and putting it next to, like, those little, like, cylinders that, like, go in and they smush that out of something. Oh, I love all of it. I'm very into, like, brain rot right now. I love the gai-g-g-da-gada-gda-go.

I love the skibbidi-a-gda-go. Are you saying words to me? Yes. So basically, it's a piece of fried chicken that sings Cotton Eye Joe. There's also a hamburger and there's like a whole storyline. I got very high one night and I watched a 30 minute compilation and there's like a storyline to it. And so like to the piece of chicken. The piece of chicken.

The guy gada gada gada goes. And basically they're like in the south and also nicakato avocado is trying to eat them. And then they have to like gain ranks to like pass and some of them. This is within the 30 minute video. No, it's just like. Oh, it's a whole lore. There's like a compilation. Okay, your world building formless.

Okay, got you. If you look up Gagagaddy, gada, go on YouTube. I wouldn't even know how to spell that if I tried. You can just look up brain rock. And it will come right up. I'll just go on your likes or whatever. I can send you some. Oh, please do.

You can absolutely send that. You know, I literally, I send my friends, like, actually, like, 30 Instagram Reels. Because I'm really on the Instagram Reels train. You're really into Reels? I have my favorites right now. I love Reels. I think Reels. It's weird as hell over there. It's amazing, but it comes with like a moral dilemma because there's some people that it's like, they don't know that everyone's making fun of them.

I know. That's tea. I was just about to say. I see some absurd things on reels and I'm like, okay, like I saw this one, this girl like took this video of her husband and he was like just walking in front of her doing something, going and looking at a plant or some shit. And then it has like text on it and like a song behind it. And she wrote, my husband and I struggled the first. first like three or four years we were dating because um he told me he was in quotes struggling to ever be attracted to me physically did you saw that and then there's like the way i went on a deep dive yeah i had to it's so good i was like well obviously click there's so many i like i like bother brittney so much because i literally i'll send her something she won't even react to the video she'll be like three likes because like the video will have three like there's this one girl shout at her she's in rehab right now I love her her name is Android influencer okay she's um an upcoming rapper okay and she goes to open mics in New Jersey or like Jersey City and

wraps her ass off period and you're just a big fan I'm a big fan like those are like like I don't really freak out about celebrities but I have like my my like community like do you know stitch lover forever 2000 of course I do MG shout out MG I followed stitch lover's whole relationship drums I was in there Do you know what that is? I don't know. Okay, it's like a TV show that... It's a TV show with her and her ex. And this is like an actual TV show?

It was on YouTube, but the storyline is insane. Like, one of the girls, like, for some reason in the story, she, trigger warning, she had, like, she was, her character self-harm so bad that her arm fell off. Okay. But her arm was still on. Like, it was just written into the story. So like have like she's just kind of sitting there with her arm to the side and we're just not And you said and I'm locked in. I'm watching all of it.

No yeah. There's only four episodes though because they broke up and then it. Damn. Don't you hate when that happens? Did you see her when she spilled orange soda all over Walmart and that's making a ball? Stitch lover? Yeah, of course I did. Yeah, of course I did.

Too good. I love shit like that. Me too. Oh, I'm all up in there. Like no one gives a fuck. I do. Yeah. I absolutely do.

When everybody cares. Like, you know, like, who did I marry part one? Remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I watched the first, like, I think two. And then I was like, I think I got the gist. Yeah. There's this girl.

Do you know the girl, she works at Target? And she's like, I am so down for this today. And she's like in the break room. She's like, I'm back, baby. She just does that every time? Well, she deactivated for a while and she just came back. And I literally saw her. I was like, it was the best fucking day of my life.

He said my wish came true. My wish had come true. No, I like, I have like an obsession with like that type of influencer. Like I am still in the Wonderland system mainframe. Like I followed the Wonderland system before they went private bitch. I get to see Bunny. I get to see Sayori. I get to see all of them chilling.

Like I felt that way about Stitch Lover. I was like, if no, if this bitch has no fans, I'm dead. For real. I'm literally fucking dead. Like I have to watch it. App to. It's so addictive. There was one girl I used to watch.

I wished to God I remembered her name because I would shout her out. But she was like this, just this average white woman, but she was married and she lived in Florida. She just recently moved to Florida. She was like super into Disney, which is like, okay, basic. But this girl, she would wear the exact same outfits. Every time she went, she always went alone. And she would collect these little stuffies and she would tie them to her outfit. And she just like always went.

alone. She always went to the exact same rides. She went to the same food place. She knows what she likes. Yeah, she doesn't deviate. She doesn't like change. She said I'm going and buzz light your space range or spin. I'm getting a show and I'm fucking leaving. She said I'm going on the Toy Story Land, Slinky Rollercoaster and I'm getting tacos from

Toysland or whatever the fuck and that's all I'm doing. And I would watch that bitch like my life depended on it. I'd literally look her up and like on the search thing and I'd go catch up with my girl. You just you have to. And she was so normal. and so like I think it's because she was so far from anything I could ever be yeah I find

yeah like that fascinating that's like the best is when you find there's like some gems on youtube and it's like YouTubers that have been making videos for three years consistently and I have 80 views I love it I love it me and my friend McKenzie recently we like hung out and we just watched our favorite like secret YouTubers that we watch there's this one it's like it's like well this guy's popular it's like beg for it Jay and he teaches like um like how to get a submissive girl and like he has this girl and he's like this is kitten and she's like hi daddy and he's like these are my rules and he's like you wake up when i tell you to you eat when i tell you to and in public you have to call me daddy or i'll hit you and i literally was watching it

he hits her in public and i was like oh my god and the craziest part about all this is the girl is like i love it she's like no i love it's great for me it just works And he gets to fuck anyone and I'm just kitten. She like sleeps in like a crib or like a cage. Oh my God. It's amazing. She just likes her little life. Something about Reels.

Like I totally, I find people like that on Reels all the time. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. You know what's been my new thing? It's like when I see, you know like those books like the Akita books like Thorntz or roses whatever. I don't by the way. I'm sorry.

They're like very popular. Oh, is it like the big heads? Like you know when it's like a history book and a house? has like the really big head on the history book. I see that on Twitter. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know what that is, but back to what I was saying. Like the,

they're basically these really popular books and they're about fairies and the fairies they fuck each other in the books, right? And then there's other series too. There's like, there's other ones. There's like about there's ones with dragons. There's ones with elves. Like there, it's a whole thing, right? Which is fine.

Tea. Love it. If you love fairy smut books, period, bitch. Do what you got to do. I support you. What's crazy is that these books have, They have such strong fandoms, which is typical, right? But within these fandoms, they do fan art, which is, again, typical.

But they literally, there are people who create this fan art. Mind you, these are books. They have no movies. They have no TV shows. So it's all just up to the imagination, obviously. And so they create what they think they look like, and they paint them in these scenes that are in the books. But they also paint them fucking each other. But they put that shit on Patreon.

And they're like, if you want the Nakey version, you want to see Pee. and you want to see you got to pay you got to pay you got to pay you got to pay for this very pussy and it's none of it's real like none of it's there's no audio there's no video they're literally it's just illustrations yeah like or like or really bad AI art which is so funny to me because like they'll have really sexual AI art and like blur out the genitals and they'll be like unlock for the spicy version on patreon of course I have oh did you get it look I didn't I didn't I didn't pay for the Patreon but someone else I know didn't and she was sending

I have some screenshots after this I will literally send you I will literally text on to she was sending me she goes I'm gonna unsubscribe this isn't worth it I was like the comments are like

I came once they're like this fairy's tits were small but like really like this my note was real mid from this picture literally yeah and I'm not kidding like sometimes don't go in the comments

and it's not the obviously not the dirty versions because they're on and now my whole entire Explore page is just that. Oh yeah. Because I have to keep looking every time I see I have to look. So then I go and look in the comments and when they do like their interpretations, they'll literally write like what scene it's from like in the book whatever. Oh. And then underneath they go everyone please be nice to me. This is my first time illustrating because in the comments they are mean as fuck girl. They're literally writing shit like he would never look like that. He's so much

bigger than that. His dick is way bigger than that. Like this is a horrible picture. They're mean. They like bullied them. They rate the like fairy drawing. Yeah. They're like, but they fucking like they, uh, cyber bully. Like they get mad. They're like, he would never wear that.

He would never wear an open toe sandal with that outfit. He's wearing Jordans. Yeah. He would never wear some gay open toe sandals. Are you kidding me? You would never have a sandal on. That's amazing. It's so, I find that fascinating.

Did you ever have like an era? before this where you were trying to do social media, like before it, like, hit off? Um, my sister and I made YouTube videos, but I, we said it was because we were like, oh, what if we became YouTubers?

But honestly, looking back, I feel like we only did it because we just like, I'm just like, want to perform. Yeah. So, like, we would just show them to each other and laugh our ass off and never promote it.

No, yeah, same. I, like, I had a YouTube channel when I was like 30. Actually, this is it. Wait, yeah, I want to get into your lore. of the internet because you have a long standing history on the internet. Yes.

Yeah. So I had a YouTube channel. I was always obsessed with YouTubers when I was like a kid. Yeah. And me and my cousin. Ian's been a creator for a long time, y'all, if you don't already know. Yeah. I've been posting my random shit like everywhere.

Yeah. I have some accounts that I'm like I need to get this deleted right now. It's not like bad, but it's just so embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Yeah. So I had this YouTube channel when I was like, when I was 13 and I was like on it. Like every single week I would. post something, I would be like, what's in my bag tag?

Like, clean my room with me and it would be like the Yucalae. Like, I would just copy what O2L was doing. O2L TBT, who remembers? My sister really liked O'Towell too. I love them. But it took a really dark turn when I was making my YouTube videos because, okay, so imagine this. I'm 13.

I'm making my little content. And there used to be a way that you could DM people on YouTube. And so I get a DM from this girl, Cassandra. And she's like, hi, my name is Cassandra. I'm a really big fan. And I was like, I'm a fan. I was so fucking excited. She was like, I'm a really big fan, but sadly I have cancer.

And I was like, oh my God, this is so sad. Yeah. And she was like, I really want you to do a special challenge for my birthday. It's called the Egyptian footstool challenge. And I was like, this is weird. And she was like, so just invite over a friend, maybe. a young boy your age and then have him get on his hands and knees

and take your socks off and wiggle your toes in front of the camera for four minutes. And she was like, it was, what if it was a f***? Okay, well, spoiler alert, it wasn't fucking Cassandra, but anyways, um, so I do this Egyptian footstool

challenge. I call my friend, he said it? I'm like, I have a fan and she has cancer. come over now the way that you're like prime like pray for that oh I was fucking I was like I have a fucking fan I need to wiggle my toes so he's like there

I'm like hey guys welcome back to the Egyptian footstool John I'm wiggling my toes my God Ian I hit upload and that video got a thousand views and for me that was that's your one video big fucking deal for the next three weeks I had more cancer patients

lined up than St. Jude's Children Hospital because my DMs my DMs hi my name is Alex I have a brain tumor I was like oh Alex has a brain tumor Ethan you got to come back over and lick putting off my toes I was making foot fetish content week after week and you had no idea and it was getting and you were still 13 yeah oh my god I was like hey guys you're just asking for my toe shit again so here we go and then one day I get a DM and the title is hard on for tow boy and I open it and it's a picture of an old man's penis and he's like,

keep wiggling your toes kid gives daddy a big heart on and I was like nude too it was a nude it was attached to and I literally was like Cassandra isn't real

and she doesn't have cancer what the fuck I thought I had a whole huge fandom of cancer patients but they were just saying that they had cancer because like because one person told them it worked

Well, yeah, if you tell the 13-year-old, hey, I have cancer, can you do this for me? I'm a fan. And, like, they could feel the desperation. And did you say that in the video, too? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I was like, shout it to Cassandra. I hope that chemo's good.

And this year, so that was my first experience on YouTube. That was my first experience on YouTube. You were like, I took a really dark shirt. You were right. That was the darkest turn I could have possibly taken. Yeah, I was so disappointed. Because the videos got so many views. I was more sad about that.

Which is really fucked up. You're like, you know what? I know I'm being taken advantage of, but I respect the craft till I die. Literally. I wanted the attention to so bad. I was like, please put me on Digitore, y'all. Come on. What's the one that Sean Mendez was a part of?

Madcon. Madcon? Yeah. Madcon. I got the toes for the job. Go check my footage. Check my tape. The Macon Tours were just.

Sometimes I wish I could go. I could go back in time, but as me and. go as me now. I would love to attend MadCon. Yeah. Did you ever go to any of those? Girl, what do you think? I went to one. Wait, can I, can I be vulnerable for a sec? Wait, you'll have to, you'll have to blur and bleep this what I'm going to say I went to. I went to fucking I'm not getting, I've never told anybody here this. The way that shame is coursing through me. You just wanted to see all that. Yeah, the way I was like, I honestly, I, this is me also being vulnerable. I've always thought he was gross and weird. So I caught the vibe early. But I did.

go to that shit. I'm not kidding. I went to that shit. How was it? First of all, I was, I got inside. No girl. I got, I stood in the sun like everybody else. Like all the other plebs who got sunburned. Yeah. And then my, my boyfriend was with us and, uh, my sister was with me. And then, uh, his brother came. He just joined us because he wanted to. And then we stood in the sun, sweat. Um, my brother-in-law got severely sunburned. Never got inside left. That's fucked. Yeah. So, that was the one thing I did go to I honestly forgot I went to that's literally fucked up that's probably my shame just coding my brain trying to hide it from me to be honest I made my mom pay like $200 to go to Digi Fest I got VIP my mom my mom I like

meet like Ricky Thompson and like perfect person oh go to that shit yeah and my my mom was like I just spent $200 for tickets by the way it was at the big E in Massachusetts I don't know if you know what that is there was like free seating that I kind of just used Like and literally wait what was the $200? I was for a V-I-B-I did the meet and greet and I met like some of the Madcon boys. I met like Trevi Moran and they were fucking doing the what's in the box challenge like on stage in front of a cloud of people and my mom was like I got scammed. Are you kidding me?

And I literally was like I'm so anxious to meet these people and my mom was just sitting there. I think Ricky Thompson went on stage and like lip sync to Anaconda by Nikki Minaj. Nice. And then they did what's in the box challenge. With all the MagCon boys? Or were all of them on stage? It was like a couple. Oh, and Sam Pepper was there.

Girl. I don't want to get into that. A time. A key. He was there. Wait, do you not know he's there above this? Of course I do. Of course I know.

I was like, oh, key. That was me being funny. That was me being ironic. I don't ever want to meet that guy. I did meet him. And thoughts? Midnut. He said that my car.

He's a bad person who cares about him. Yeah. He like is a streamer now, I guess. That makes sense for his. journey. I genuinely believe that you are like the perfect person to have lived through those eras. Oh yeah. Because besides the fact that you would remember it all, you also want to participate. Oh, I wanted to be it. Yeah, you get the full scope. Like, I was so jealous. I wanted to tour with O2L so badly. Like, it was my fucking dream. I'm so mad. Who was your favorite in O2L?

I loved. I liked J.C. Cayenne, yeah. Yeah. I met him recently. And like like a while ago and I kind of was just like hey because by the time I met him, I don't I don't care anymore. Yeah, now that you're an adult. I like I genuinely the only person that I would freak out if I met was Stidge's over forever or Anne Hathaway. Like anyone else. And honestly those two are so much alike. Right. I just I don't really give a fuck about like celebrities like that. Yeah. Same. Because I was a personal assistant for a while. Didn't disillusion you. Yeah. Really. It did. Were you a personal assistant for like a creator? It was like a creator. It was. It was. for a Quinn Blackwell. Oh okay she's the best I love working on love but you get to meet all these like yeah yeah yeah it was yeah it was a vibe I've told people before I'm like because sometimes fans when I do like hosting gigs and stuff they'll be like I can't believe you don't get nervous like how do you talk to these people and I'm like I promise you if you met them like you would not be nervous yeah they're weird it's really like I feel like you kind of just have to do it like three times and then once you do it like

after three times and like you meet the person that you're super excited about it's kind of just like it's not that great i freaked out when i met taylor's of course well i freaked out when i met biance that's but like it's like that's one of those things where it's like it's someone that you never thought you would ever mean a million years they're like aliens to me like they like don't exist like amongst same yeah i thought the same thing i was like biance is someone that really actually and only has star struck me and that's because i'd never in a million years i never get to meet her on a personal level yeah at all like you're not even had to meet and greet or anything like that. So I never thought that would ever be possible for me. So those are

different. And I know what you mean. I like put them on a whole other tier. Yeah. They're like she's like a great god to me. Yeah. She's not real. No, she came down from Olympus to come hang out with me for half a second and went back. So like that's different. But I just mean any celebrity really. I was just talking to someone on the show about it. I was like they're weirdos. Like if you hang out with them in a social setting like they're weird. Oh my god. The worst is when you're like with someone that's like freaking out. Yeah. And you're like, why are you crying over? Like. Like, literally when people are like oh my god that's David Henry

from Wizard of Waverly Place and they're like crying and you're like bitch we are at a super goop sunscreen event like you have to calm the fuck down like please go get a free margarito and some sunscreen and handle yourself in the bathroom go get that photo booth and relax

it is so embarrassing it's really just like it's funny because I I feel like the people I've taken the only you've like take to anything are either my boyfriend or my mom and sister like it's no in between and like I feel like in the beginning I feel like we'd be like oh that's cool like yeah that's crazy I think the one time my mom was like oh my gosh I can't believe but she wasn't freaking out was when we saw Steve Martin because we saw him at and only murders that's that's like that was like oh my gosh I can't

believe it and we nothing happened like she was just like that's crazy that's fair yeah yeah he falls to her knees and cries and put a Steve Martin instead of David Henry I actually met David Del Louise, which played the dad. He played the dad. Oh. Oh. Have you seen the picture?

What picture? It's like of him like with his like full ass out in the mirror and he's like, yeah. Have you seen those? Should I find it? Are they real? Yes. Wait one second.

The way that Ian is literally, I'm not even kidding. You're like someone who's embedded so deeply in the internet. Oh, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's so. for anyone. It's a lot. You know every. We'll add it in, y'all. Just kidding.

There's worse ones. As you can see. There is like a lot worse ones and I won't show you. Where did those come from? My camera roll. I'm kidding. I just looked up, Wizards of Waverly plays dad butt photo. So don't look that up.

Don't look that up, y'all, unless you're over age. Obviously. He literally, I worked with him on something, but my mom, like, when he met me, he was really nice. But I saw my mom, I was like, oh, he played the dad on Wizards Away really placed. And then we did, like, we shot something, like, for Hulu together. Oh, nice. Yeah. So we, like, we're on, like, it's like a full fucking crew.

It's, like, a huge set. It was this whole thing. And I felt like, I don't know, it just felt so strange. I'm all, what the fuck am I doing here? I'm sitting next to the dad from Wizards of Waverly Place. No shame, we love you. And they're telling me to like be funny. They're like, oh, make some TikTok jokes, like do some.

They're like, hit the renegade. Come on, y'all. Do the savage dance. Do your skittity thing. And I was like, this is just an insane, like, this is like work. It's coming back, the show. It is, yeah. I saw that.

You big fan? Are you a big fan? I like the like nostalgia thing. I don't know. Yeah, it's getting a little old. You know what I'm like, girl, you need to pack it up is you know that this, this I had to delete multiple videos because every time I talk about it, I get scared. And I'm like, I have to like, they're, they get pissed. Matthew Bennett.

Who's that? He does. He's the, he's Robbie from Victorious and he like throws parties where like he's like playing the SpongeBob theme song and everyone's like, and they're all blackout drunk. Wait, like, I'm like, he's like, he's like playing the SpongeBob theme song. like act like now it's called i party 101 and it's he goes on stage and he kind of like like pokes a shirt off a little bit and everyone's like yes and i'm just like what is the appeal of going to your local bar and seeing robbie from victorious like play the dome one-o one theme song while you're drunk i like i really don't understand it like i really team we've lost it yeah it's hey team let's

sync up everybody let's get back on our zooms let's look up again i think we're off the rails it's it's it's really insane sometimes i'll get like the most random dms and they're from brand accounts like like actual like production company accounts like huge brands and they'll be like hey do you want to come here and meet and it's the most random oh my god would you be willing to come down and meet this person i'm like hey no Like, here, I'll bleep this one too. I got a DM from D. And they were like, we'd love to have you come to our party and you could have the chance to meet.

And then I had a friend text me and say, hey, one of my friends works for TLC said they DM'd you. But do you have any interest in meeting? And I was like, it's funny you say that? No. Any other questions? I got an email this week and it was like, and I'm going to say the name, don't bleep it. but it was like hey like this saturday you want to come meet rita orra and shoot some content i'm like girl it was harry daniels out of town like what the fuck am i going to do with rita ora

like what i love her though do you want to talk about that song she had like from like six years ago the i don't even know i don't even know it's like um that la la mea Rita ora and BB racks are the same person in my head, so it gets really, it gets really hard. But did you see the Rita Orra tweet where she was like, me? Did you see that tweet from 2011? No, you're so mean. I do that all the time. She tweeted she was like, y'all, if this tweet gets 100,000 retweets, I'm going to release my new song today.

And then no one retweeted it. And then the next tweet she was like, she was like, y'all, that was hacked. She's so real He was like, I don't put out music until I'm ready I don't care about retweets She just like completely backtracked You know one of my favorite tweets to pull out of the vault When Sidney's mom had like a birthday party

And she was like wearing maga shit Like her parents And then like she posts these pictures And she's tagged in them Like I don't think Sidney put us to that I think other people did And they found them And they tweeted them about her and they're like, hey, what the fuck?

Like, are you a magovic? Like, what's going on? They're like asking her. And her response was this. And I quote, guys, it's my mom's birthday. And that was it. That's kind of fair. That's the way I laughed.

I laughed. I'm not supposed to laugh. Is that fucked up? Like, I, sometimes I'm like, grandma, take this down now. She fucking, she puts on her. her Facebook, it was like, if gender doesn't matter, buy some roosters for your eggs and bowls for your milk and see how that turns out. I was like, Grandma, take this down. She just tags you at the end. What is wrong with you? She writes, Ian is like, Leah, the

I was like, grandma, take this down, please. I like, she's like, and why do you have me blocked on Facebook? I'm like, I don't want to be your friend on Facebook. Because that people come. God, I don't know. And people go on and they're like, pray for him. And it's like, like AI Trump, it's not going to be a good look on me, Graham, Graham. Like, I'm sorry. The best was in 2020 when, like, literal 14-year-olds would be like, my parents are Trump supporters and, like, it's really hard. And the comments would be like, bitch, not you still living with them.

They're 11. Why are you being complicit? I'm like, this is a 14-year-old girl, by the way. Like, she, her biggest worry is, like, making cheerleading team. And you're trying to get her to move across country. She needs the weight of systemic racism as well. Dude, the way that, guys, and sometimes, like, when people, I'm not getting my sister and I do this bit ever since it happened. It's like, whenever someone's like telling me, you have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this.

Like, if they're just badgering me with shit, I go, guys, it's my mom's birthday. It's my mom's birthday. And it's, it's just, it's mom's birthday. Guys, come on, it's my mom's birthday. Does your mom, no shade, sorry. Hi, Mama. Does she try to suggest it sometimes? And you're like, okay, maybe.

No, honestly, no. My mom was like, you should do a pirate calendar. And I was like, do you love pirates? No, I was like, noted. Noted. I might do a pirate calendar. Oh, suggestion time's over. Thank you, though.

It's like, oh, or she always thinks I'm filming her. I'll like talk to her. She'll be like, are you filming me for this? I'm like, no, I'm not filming you for this. I'm like, no. Are you franking me? I'm just saying words. Your mom wants to be in a bit.

I know. We should have her on. Yeah, we should. Bring her on the pod. What's her name? Linda. Linda. Love you mom.

You should show her that. Remember the listen to me, Linda, little kid? See, I don't show them anything because then they're like, who is that? Is that your friend? That's my dad. I'm like, I literally show like a. photo of like a dog she's like is that your friend's dog i'm like i show my dad i'll show my dad a funny meme and my dad will be like who is that and i go i don't know and then he goes well how do they know each other

i don't know and then he's like but you know him all right you're done like forget it hey forget it i don't want to show you anything funny ever no or my dad will send me things that are like from four years ago oh yeah and he'll be like oh my god this is crazy oh yeah my dad will be like he'll send me like the um Joe Byron video. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Now, yeah. Yeah, it was just so long ago that it took you.

Yeah. He's like, he's showing me like, hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your husband. I'm like, this is awesome. Like I love this. Show me the troll song. Like, I'm like, great. No, but my parents, um, I have them blocked. I just, I can't.

Because like, it'll literally be me like, like, in like full body paint, like blackout drunk at like 2 p.m. And my dad would be like, so I saw something a little concerning, just want to make sure you're good. It's literally me. You know what? Why don't you let me do me and you do you? Right. That's just me doing me. I think I also

used to be like really party girl, but I've like, I slowed down. Yeah. It's actually really sad. Like it makes me depressed. Is it? Yeah, I used to go, when I lived in LA. Like when you think about it or now that you're not doing it. Now that I'm not doing it. Like when I, when I lived in LA, I was

partying four days a week, five days a week, every single week. Like, I would go, I would go work with Quinn. Shout out Quinn. I was her assistant, but it was like, can you, like, full my laundry and you can smoke? Like, it was very much like that. But so I would work and then get home, Uber right to the club, stay out to like four or five in the morning. Crazy.

Wake up, go to work, do it over again. And now I'm like, what I've been doing is I go out on Thursday. And I like black out so fierce. And then I don't drink on the weekend. So I have like my weekend moment to myself. Balance. Life hack. All about wellness.

But drinking once a week, it's kind of depressing. Yeah. Just because you're waiting all day. Are you waiting to get through almost Thursday? No, I don't know. I just, I also don't really enjoy it as much. Yeah, same. I get home so early now.

Like I get home at like 1 a.m. and I'm like, shit. Like, you're an old head now. Because I'm fucking old now. Speaking of you painting your whole body, I do want to talk about when you entered that screaming contest. It's evil laugh. Evil laugh contest. Yes. My bad.

Well, it doesn't matter. You lost, so I guess it doesn't matter. I, like, don't even want to talk about it because it's still, like, honestly one of the most triggering things in my life. My sister was like, make sure you bring up that video because that's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Thank you. So my friend slash comedian, Mira Callfield, shout out you, queen, love you. Um, she was just with her friends and there was, they were watching like a, a clip of like an anime convention of them like doing evil laughs. So they thought it was so funny.

And they were like, let's take it to Brooklyn and let's have people sign up. And when she sent it to me, I'm not kidding. Like, I felt my life have like a new purpose. Like I had like a month of prep. And I'm not kidding. My neighbors were like, my neighbors were like sliding notes under the door being like, hi, please stop like knocking, being like. So we just keep hearing laughing at like. one a.

I was like practice, practice, practice, like actively afraid of you. Yes, and so the big day comes around. I call my friend McKenzie.

She comes over. She bought these like pyrotechnics that you're like light on fire. Yeah. I went full Alphabet. Yeah. I bought confetti guns.

Yeah. I show up to this evil laugh contest. And also it was half comedians, but then half people that just signed up. So some people,

when they got eliminated, they were like, I thought they were about to hit somebody. Like they were felt so disrespected that their evil laugh like didn't make it. Like there was this one guy who was genuinely freaking the fuck out. One girl walked out and cried like it was the stakes were high. Okay.

The vibes were intense. Yes. Before I even showed up to the competition, I was in a group chat with everyone that was there. I literally only knew like my friend McKenzie and Charlie. And I was like, I'm going to fucking win. So I start DMing people and I'm like, hey, it's grandma. I just think something really bad is going to happen. Like I started like spamming the being like, do not show up tonight.

Or I'd be like, fuck, it got canceled. Like it got rescheduled. I was really. I was trying to sabotage the fucking competition. And I show up. On some like Tanya Harding shit. Literally I was going to crowbar or whatever the fuck she did to the knee cops because I needed to win this. It was, I've never felt a.

room so electric. I was fully sober. There was like 400 people stuffed into a room. The New York Times was there. They like did an article on it and it was the best time of my life, but I didn't make it through the first round and. Damn, there was multiple rounds. Oh, because they're, like, winding it down. Oh, yeah. It was, it was intense. There was a panel of judges. It was, it was serious. I don't pray about my evil laugh. Your friend started it and you still didn't even make it. So I'm saying she wasn't a judge. It was so pissed off. It's, it's, it's, ruined her friendship forever. She's running the whole thing but can't rig it in your favor. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, what's the point of having friends? Fair. Whatever. The winner got a T-shirt that said I won the evil laugh competition and cinnamon buns. And that's what it's all about. That's why I love New York is like there's just a level of stupid that's going. That's why I moved to New York it's because like there's just a level

of exactly. There's a level of stupid that is just like perfect. I'm going to like when I fly back, I'm going to be in a spelling bee. for adults You're a good speller? No But I'm gonna

But I'm gonna give it my awe You're gonna give it the old college try Watch you win that one But you didn't win the Evil laugh one Yeah Even your neighbors were like Hey girl

Even my neighbors Can I handle this laugh You know you should have Asked my neighbors They all would have said What would your evil laugh Sound like? What would it sound like

I mean I'm not gonna do it for you now I would say the knock So you don't want to match it You want to know what's so funny Is when Vine was a thing I had one vine that did remarkably well considering I had like fucking 30 followers at the time and it was literally a vine of my little brother and I still have it. I'll literally look for it right now while we talk and he's just like standing in the kitchen

of my childhood home and like me and my sister at the table with our friend and he came over and he was like hey I want to show you guys something and like you know it's like little brother's So I think he's like seven or eight in the video. Okay. And he's and we're like, okay. And he goes, this is what my laugh would be if I was a villain. And then he starts doing it, but he puts his whole chest into that shit. Like he's doing it so loud and gutterol.

And it's like raising in octaves like every time. Because he goes one round and then he comes back and it's like going higher and higher. Oh, he's like he's putting that all in the round. And like he's like sweating already when he comes out. And I felt like he was practicing and then came out to show up. He was practicing for three and a half hours. He had his pillow and his face. He had this thing so no one could hear.

And like literally we laughed so hard. I was like, wait, do it again so I can record you. And I made a vine of it. It's just six seconds of him doing that. He did it for the vine. And he literally was doing it. And we made him do it so many times. My mom was like, all right, enough.

Like enough. Enough. I can't listen to it anymore. Like he is all about an evil life. I love an evil laugh. I love an evil laugh. It hits every time. Um, there's always like something stupid going on.

The next thing besides the evil laugh. I literally found it is. Can I show it to all? Oh, for sure. I'll literally play the, so. Six seconds of him doing that. He's in, no, he's in shorts, but he's topless. I'm not going to lie, that was a little weak.

Real mid, if I'm being honest. As someone that's an evil laffer, I would say the performance was about five at a time. You have some, I do have some notes, actually. Exactly. I think he should have. Taking it a little more. Taking it there. I'm like, you're up here.

You should be down here. Can you meet me here? That's why you say. What you're laughing? You're doing a ho-ho-ho? And we need to at a... It needs to taper off at the end. Real high at the end.

He literally was doing it so many times. That's honestly why he's shirtless in the video because he started getting... Because he needed... He's sitting in front of the AC. He needed to get in the zone. He's an ice pack on his eyes. He's like, that's a tough game, y'all. He's a sweat band on now.

That is too good. I mean, it's a full body experience. No, it's like, it's incredible. But New York has the stupidest events. When I come back, there's Twinks versus Dolls Rage in the Cage. What are you all doing in there? Well, the Twinks are going against the dolls. Yeah.

It's like Olympic. So there's a cigarette race. There's spaghetti wrestling. Like, you're wrestling in Spaghetti? It's not me. Like, I'm watching. So they get a doll and they get a twink and then they have competitions. I know.

I'm just curious how they work, the games. I don't know. I feel like the actual, I don't know if there's going to be an actual cage. Like, if they're going to be like beating the shit out of each other feels a little problematic. Imagine. That would be crazy. But yeah. That is, they are truly, it sounds like matching your freak out there.

You got to come. You're going on tour there, right? Yes. Opening night. That's amazing. You got to come. What day? I can't come.

it's a Tuesday night July 30th okay so what if it was the night of your spelling being I know well no I wanted to know because I have a show July 18th exciting period BCCC because you do because you do stand-up too yeah I've been that's like why I made the jump from L.A. to New York is because to work on stand-up

to do stand-up and also I can't I don't want to drive and I was spending so much money on Ubers that it was literally financially hindering me And I was like, I could go to New York and go on the subway. Do you just not like driving? No. I know how to.

I'm good at it, too, by the way. I just don't want to buy a car and do that upkeep. I'd rather not. And so that was one of the reasons. Yeah, that was a big reason why. How is stand-up and going for you? How do you like stand-up? I love it.

I think it's so much fun. I did it for the first time I went on tour with Tar yummy like a year and a half ago. Oh, nice. And I showed up to her drunk at a party. And I was like, I want to just. stand up and she was like come on my tour and i was like really and she was like yeah and then i left like the week after and it was super fun and i loved it and then i made the jump to new because there's just so much comedy going on in new york and it's all so close to me yeah but

oh i'm burping um right now i'm kind of just like getting my set together totally because i just hate when like people that were influences are like I'm doing this and then they're just doing it because they can do it and not because they want to like I love comedy I love stand-up it's it's like it's so much fun and it's new and like the stand-up little like community that is that I'm like kind of a part of like my friends I think they're like the funniest people ever yeah and so it's like great to just be able to go I do like five open mic or open mics a week just to like practice So cool. And then I'm starting to have like actual shows that are going to come up soon.

So if you're in New York, book me please. Thank you. That's so fucking cool. I feel you on the like content creator jump thing because it's so that's very real. I talked to other creators about a lot where it's like because I started I started doing Santa but barely. I did a five already and it was very fun. But I honestly had a blast doing it. Where did you do the five?

I did it opening at the I did at the Largo here. in L.A. Nice. For Caleb's show. Oh, nice, nice, nice. And it was me and Chris Fleming opened. But I think Chris did like, I think he did like 15. Yeah.

Obviously Caleb did the full. And then he was on tour with Annie DeRousseau, so then her and her band close out the show. But it was a fucking blast. It's great. I love being funny. I love telling jokes, but I've been putting off stand-up forever because I was telling my team.

I was like, I just don't want to find out the hard way that I'm not that good. Because I know Internet funny and stand-up funny are very different. It is really different. It's like it's hard to like, because you have to write something out and you have to like have to like have jokes in between the story. And it's just like memorize it all and yeah. And like the flow and like the cadence. Yeah. And then if you say this, you ruin the end of the joke.

It's like it's very much. Also it's so like straight male edge lord vibes. Like I don't really go to Manhattan for mics. I go to the like no hate speech before the mic starts mics because they're all nice and fun. And they're open. like you're joking about it because when you joke about like if you joke about straight guys if you joke about white people if you joke about that stuff of shit like you got to have the right audience because otherwise they just won't laugh on purpose even if they find it yeah and so when i did my first five

i was like i really i was genuinely so nervous and i never get nervous for work shit yeah that's just because i love stand-up so much and i just yeah you just wanted to make sure that it's i feel like people also love you i was i was talking to brittney about this like brittney goes on stage and she's like, y'all, I just have my water bottle. And everyone's like, everyone's just having a fucking blast. No, totally. So like, I even told Caleb, because he asked me, when he asked me, it was like a month out and he was like, do you want me, I could put you on, on like a graphic or something.

We can market it or we could just have you be like a surprise guest. And I was like, I'd rather be a surprise guest. Yeah. And that was because I want to know if I'm actually doing. If I invite fans, like, I love my fans. They're going to laugh no matter what. Yeah. I could be like, oh, and the laugh.

It's a good challenge. Yeah. I was like, I want to go and have the audience not be mine and really, like, run these jokes. Otherwise, I won't ever know if I'm actually funny because, like, they're going to laugh at anything and I want to get good. Yeah. And he was like, I think that's great. Like, then we won't tell anyone and we'll just. Did you crush or?

Sorry. And so did you crush? Yeah, actually, I did really well. Good. That's not me feeling myself. I, I, I, no, there's sometimes where like, you finish and you're like, I ate that. Yeah, I had a real banger joke about Jason and Moan in there that really ate. them alive.

And that was when I added the morning of. That's always how it works. Like if I feel like there'll be times where I'll go to do comedy and like when I'm about to do like however long, I'll just think of something while I'm sitting there. And that's why it's really good to go to open mics because like people that are saying shit will inspire you. And like it'll also just make you think of things because people are like talking from experience. And then you can be like, wait, I hadn't experienced similar.

And then like use that to kind of. build what you're talking about. No, that's good. I'm taking all the tips right now from all my friends. We've been doing it for fucking over year one of them. Because Caleb's like hilarious. He's like the best to like. He kills me.

He's so unbelievably funny. It honestly upsets me. It makes me really angry. Yeah. And even when I went out like he told me too. He was like openings is really important like how you start. He's like so don't go out and be like, oh, I'm so nervous. I've never done this before.

Like just. You can't let them know that. Yeah, he was like, you just have to go right into it. Yeah. Just go right into it. He's like, or you can say something. about me because he introduced me obviously and when he did like a lot of people were really excited because we have a lot of crossover in our audiences too but like most of them were just there for

Caleb yeah and so even when he when I came out I was just like bigger cheer than Caleb love that hey guys make sure everyone laughs my jokes and I even told Caleb was like if no one laughs I got a backup plan that's going to ruin everyone's night so it's in everyone's best interest and it's in my back pocket and it's hidden under all of your chairs right so everyone better be nice to me when I do it but yeah I admire you a lot for doing that many I need to do like go and watch more open mics because I know it's different but I love stand up I'm watching stand up forever no yeah I feel like my the comedy that I enjoy isn't really even necessarily stand up I like love like Nathan Fielder oh yeah and like that type of I think that practical comedy totally is like kind of funnier yeah I love Dax Flame I think he's fucking hilarious he is so So funny. I don't think I know who that is. He just like, he'll go up to people at Target and he'll be like, um, today we're doing

the funny face challenge. And he'll be like, and it's like the most uncomfortable video I've ever watched. And he'll be like, he'll be like, I have $10 and I'm going to put it on this tree and try to get it. And then like it'll just be like a guy in the park trying to get the $10 and he'll like wrestle with him. And he's just like this really awkward like white guy. He's so good. It reminds me that girl on TikTok that she did that one video where she was like, would you recording me for a second and then she was like what was the first one day so she did in the grocery

store do you remember i just remember she's like she's like recording me no no no she literally like she starts singing but she's really bad and she's like she's really trying to sing like she means it like she's like she's like she's like can you record me and she's in like on walmart and she starts doing it and like she starts crying because she's laughing so hard like she's trying not to laugh so she's crying and she's going, ooh, and it's like so bad. And the guy recording her was going, nice. You just hear? And then she starts crying because she's laughing stormed and she goes, thank you.

And she like takes it back and he goes, you're welcome. And he just walks. I love shit like that. It's actually really, I love public pranks. Like, and it's so immature, but I love it. There's these like guys that they'll do like street interviews in New York and they'll just like throw water balloons at people and then like turn around. Oh my God. And it's so stupid.

It's so funny. Like, I'm so sorry. There's one guy I've seen on TikTok and he, he goes in a mall. Like, he hangs out in a mall. I don't know if you've seen him. And he asks people, do you speak Spanish? And he asks in Spanish. And then a lot of times they say, yeah.

Like, if they do, they're like, yeah. And in Spanish, he says, move if you're gay. Oh, yeah. And then they freeze. Yeah, have you seen those? Yes. And when I'm high and I'm watching it, I'm like, I'm like, bitch, you're not.

going to catch me and I laugh because men are so homophobic that they're like they're not fucking getting there for three and a half hours until they're there until his battery dies on that frozen it's the black beetles challenge remember that so oh black beetles yeah the black beetles challenge inspired the move or your gay challenge the black Beatles challenge walked so the move if your gay challenge could run that's right I love that you love a niche, a niche internet callout. Oh yeah. I love shit like that.

Like the smallest, most mundane thing. No, like, um. Or it's like horrific and people seem to forget. Yeah, I feel like I quote things that, like the moody liar. Do you know what the moody liar is? Yodeling Haley was talking about this and I had just got it like kind of out of my vocab and now it's back. The moody liar is from a song that someone's saying over a Michael Jackson's

song and it's like, Emma strange, because everyone's this. I have to show you after it. If you know, you know, I like saying that or I like saying, Zast the Lemon Boy.

Do you know what that is? Do you know who that is? It's this, I think, that is like just crazy. It's like, it's like, time to get the lemons.

And like, it's the most insane. Like, it's like, come on. Like, be normal for two fucking seconds. It's really bad.

Or, yeah, no, I love it. There is one vine that I've quoted before and like only recently, which is a little humiliating on my part, did someone ask me where is that like from something? Like, you know how you say something so often that eventually someone's like, hey, what's going on? Yeah. Like is everything cool with you? What's not about? Yeah. Like is that in reference to something?

Are I supposed to understand? And it was a vine and this guy's recording like his little cousins or his friend. They're like little girls. They're probably like 11. Uh-huh. And he's recording them and he goes, where are y'all going? And then she goes, why you need to know? All up of my pussy boy.

I say that so often. And no one knows what the fuck I'm talking about. It's a classic. You're all over my pussy boy. The way I literally told that to at least nine people and none of them knew. They're all like. And I said it once to my cousin Adam who does my hair and makeup. And he laughs so hard at shit like that. And your cousin does your hair and makeup?

Yeah. Side note. Period. I love that. Yeah. You have the whole family around. Yeah, he's actually related to me. Some people think I make that shit up.

I'm not kidding. There's so many. You come with an army. Yeah, just my family. Every time I see you, it's like all of your family. Yeah, they're like, oh, it's a posse. It's my mom and dad and my sister. Well, it's, girl, my parents, I'm like, you're going to stay over there.

Mommy's going to do her work, okay? Like I, I, but yeah, anyways. Yeah, my cousin Adam, no, he loves jokes like that. so I and he remembers the most random like niche memes oh I just thought of another one but I said that once and he goes did you make that up and I was like no it's from a fucking vine nobody remembers the other one is um I'll get was it Carl Bismarck on your ass remember that one motherfucker yeah do you know um do you know there's this one girl and it's like this old lady and in 2020 the only way I can describe it is she was on like a terrorization world tour at different

Walmart's and she would go and she'd be like you motherfuckers and she would like stop cars and be like there was one where she was like Baba baby Baba baby and she's like in that she's like motherfucker like it's just this old lady everywhere she goes she is pissed and like she's screaming she's called like the Marjorie lady or something I forgot what it is the mama baby thing sounds familiar it's so good like and she just is pissed off at all moments of the day and she is ready to fucking fucking be pissed. And I respect that. She's just going in ready to be mad.

Yeah, I love it. I love shit like that. Like, that's why sometimes when people say stuff, I'll go, he's dead. Just to be funny. And literally just me, my sister and my cousin Adam are the only ones who seem to remember that name. Oh, I remember. I'm like, that's one of the funniest things ever.

I remember. He's like, go ahead. I don't even know who that is. I like, I also will say things, like, ironically. that are like so or like my David who's over there like he'll just randomly like dab you know which one I'm bringing back I told Brittany this a while ago I'm bringing this back oh yeah oh yeah so whenever I'm like boy boy the fuck or just being like just out of no I mean like free shot macadoo like that shit is so embarrassing but I just go like so

when I was I was on a late night show I was on after midnight like last week and I told my I made a joke to my sister that I was going like this over the little partition. Like when I got their ass with a joke, I'd be like, it's so good. And they wouldn't get it. It's so good. And some people just don't get it. Right now I've been going, milo, like a minion.

That sounds like a Britney thing. No, Britney, fuck that bitch. I'm pissed on her. She worships the minions too. I'm so pissed off it because Brittany responds every four days. Yeah. And by the time she's responded, everybody. sent her so much shit that she's like I'm at capacity girl like I sent her an audio message and when I

send her audio messages I start and I'm like actually fucking listen to this bitch god and then I like go into what I actually have to say because I know she doesn't want to hear it like it's always and it's never it's never important yeah and then I'll be like you have to watch this video and it's like an old lady like touching her boobs and like being I send the worst most god forsaken memes to her all the time To be fair, I send them to everyone. Anyone who will listen. Now I'm going to add you to that list. There's this one photo because I was thinking about this.

I've been trying really hard not to be a hater recently. How's that going? Not well. You're tweaking. It's so fucking hard. Because I don't think I'm a hateful person. No. And okay, here's the thing.

I'm not hating someone in a way where I'm like, I fucking hate them. I'm like, you're disgusting. Like I'm not mean in that way. But I'm a hater in the way. where I'm like, it's fun. Girl. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I totally know you mean. It's like, I don't. His interlude on here. She said there's a difference between being a hater and being a loser. She's like, losers hate for no reason and they hate out of jealousy and envy.

She's like being a hater's fun. Like if you want to hate things that are silly and they're not hard. Like it's not harmful, but exactly. Yeah. I get what you mean. But there's this one photo. A tasteful hater.

I need to fucking find this photo. Because there is actually, let me just say there's one person that I absolutely fucking hate. There is one. There is one. I hate this person. And you can tell me after. I'll tell you right now.

And like, let's get into it. Because, and I always feel so fucking incredible whenever I tell someone I hate this person because I've never. And this is why I don't feel bad. The euphoria. Everyone doesn't like this person. Yeah. And it's just even better because they are just nasty and rodd it and mean and like evil.

And I bet I hate them too. And I always, and I feel like you do. I always send this photo to Brittany. Do you know who that is? Do you know who that is? Yes. I know. who that fucking is Ian.

I didn't know. You hated that person. I did not know that. I can't stand that person. I will say this. I get it. And the best ever is that. I get why.

Brittany's on everyone's close friends. Someone I hate someone. I'm like, let me know. Like what's happening. Like, please. She's like, can you stop? I'm not doing that. I love when I get added to close friends.

a lot and I said some of you should not have me on there yeah I am talking about it yeah I will tell like I will tell those stories to anyone who will listen to me yeah there's one person that there's one person

that has a crazy close friend story like 50 a day and like this person I'm not kidding is like always like off their fucking rocker and I'll tell this person that so it's not like shade but I'm like I'll literally be like you just have to think about this this like they'll freak the fuck out and I'm like you need to just calm down for a

to chill you need to like it is crazy there are some people whose close friends I've been added to where I'm like hey take me out of this I don't need to be in here or when people I really don't need to be in here because they're like trying to like get something or like get pot or like get caught or something these are like creators like I get added to fans close friends too which is extra strange but like who I don't follow but like like creators like celebrities like big people like they'll add me to that shit and sometimes I'm like hey go ahead and take me out like I don't I don't need to see this I had one girl that like came up to me at a club I was at tenets and we were talking we were we were like we were getting along and I was like doing my

thing I was kind of like I was kind of being shady like talking my shit because I was like a new friend of learn like she's a vibe love you like um and at the end of the night I'm like Like, what's your Instagram? I go to follow her and I see green on her story. So she already put you in her? She already had, no. Oh, she followed you. Like from a while ago.

And there was DMs to me from like 2020. And I was already on her close friend's story. And I'm like, I just talked so much shit to you. It was so bad. Are you still on there? I don't know. I think I was like, okay, girl, see you around. And I never talked to her again.

It was, yeah, it was rough. Your brain fascinates me. Thank you. Your brain fascin. I'm actually like really scared right now. Okay. Just something happened to me the other day and it's like all I can think about. There might be naked photos of me out there.

You're getting in front of it here. I'm just going to put it on the runway. So I went to this coffee shop and I was sitting down doing my little work and I go into the bathroom. Okay. And I have my headphones on and when it was a closed bathroom, it was like there was no single person. Single person bathroom. Gotcha.

And when I am in a single person bathroom, that is my time to do what I need to do. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm walking around. I'm doing a couple poses. Yeah, that's when you like unzip and you're a lizard inside. Yes. I have my headphones on.

I'm like, someone's like banging on the door. I'm like, that's your time to shine. Because I need to like stem and get it out. Like I just, I need to. You need to get it out of your system. Yes. So you can be normal. So I go to the bathroom, do my business, and then I leave the bathroom.

And like 15 minutes later, the police walk in. And I'm like, okay. And so they come up to me, I have my headphones on. They're like, were you just in that bathroom? And I was like, no. Obviously I'm not, because I'm like, what do they want? Yeah, for real. No.

And the guy looks at me and he goes, oh, good, because someone hit a camera in there. and we think it might be live streaming or being uploaded somewhere and I was like So are you afraid of being caught nude or are you afraid of being your real self? This is what I'm afraid of

is because when I was done shitting, because you can see my balls taint ass that's not the embarrassing part I had my pants down my legs and I had my headphones in and I had just wiped and I was listening to Good Luck Babe by Chop Around

I stood up jeans on the ankle going flaccid penis out dangling around going every mind you flasted penis out mind you like shaking around like when you like when you're like um necklin

while your jeans are around your ankles while my jeans are around my ankle like and so there might be a naked video of me on the dark web of me lip syncing for my life to chapel around with my balls out. And then someone else is on there going, oh, I know this guy. He used to put toes on YouTube.

He's great. I fucking love this guy. He did the Egyptian footstool challenge for my niece that had cancer. He's awesome. As I said, it's fucking dead. It's so bad. It's, yeah. Oh, my God.

And I'm just so worried. The guttural shock and horror. Because I don't care. If my taint is out there, it's out there. but the dancing naked is where I'm... And are you singing out loud? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Because it's loud in that coffee shop. It's like one of those, like the barista has like pronoun pens. A hundred gex is blasting. It's like, like, like, like the worst hyperpop ever. It's in Bushwick.

So like, it's just like crazy. It's like 360 by Charlie X. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone's like doing their work at their like fake jobs. They're all freelancing. And they're like,

I'm everywhere. I'm so j. Yeah. Like, no. No one is getting a single task done. They're just like, yeah, we'll loop back. They're not doing shit. If you're in there dancing in chapel, right?

And I'm in there kissing 100 boys in cars and doing what I do. We should be afraid of instead is someone seeing your undeniable talent. And then you just get so rich and famous. That is so true. Simon Call was like, are you the flaccid penis guy from the bathroom? Cruz asked you to come on America's Got Talent, but you don't make it. I'm so traumatizing. I always wanted to audition when I was in a group.

I was going to say, you look like someone that would want to audition for specifically America's Got Talent. You're like, you look like someone would audition for anything. I would audition for anything. Specifically America's Got Talent. Because it's real open-ended. You could do whatever you want. That is so true.

It just has to be talent. And what is talent? It's truly in the eye of the beholder. That is so true. I think I know what's not talent. Well, only I can determine what's not talent. Exactly. But people can't tell me what's not talent.

Exactly. Obviously. Okay. Well, that being said, my last question for you, I haven't asked you a single one. My last question for you. Because obviously we talked about stand-up and I know that's like really, you shine so bright. Like you are so fucking funny. I can't.

I should have that in the beginning, but you just took off so fast. Sorry. That's okay. I didn't even have any caffeine. Or I had a die coke. I just. like to talk i'm sorry no you totally fine i love it and i just i find

you so unbelievably funny i've also i didn't get a chance to do this but i've been a fan of you online for a while oh no god thank you well before i had a platform thank you yeah so i wasn't your fan at first i'm not gonna lie yeah i came up after you but i blew right past you didn't i you know what okay and let me let me address it okay i didn't hate you at all i'm i was just nasty evil and balding and i thought i was next oh and i just didn't know what was going to happen yeah but then i saw that flasped penis video i said wait a second get that girl in my office i got to talk to her we have to talk we have to talk we have to make her a star we have a key i can make you a star girl that's right this is our version of a casting couch that's right

you and me right here we're living it can you guys leave for a second can i have the room please but i i would love seriously to um if you have any tips for anyone who's looking to get into comedy whether it's like internet comedy or they're trying to transition maybe they want to do stand up like what would you say is your best piece of advice for them i would say just do it like just go to open mics don't be embarrassed to if you're like on social media transitioning to comedy yeah like actually learn what you want to do actually make sure that it's something you want to do because i go to some of these open mics and i'm sorry some of you guys have to quit yeah because it's also just like people online sometimes they do comedy and it's just like it's just not the same

It's like Twitter jokes. I'm like, girl, I've kind of heard the same concept online. Exactly. But my piece of advice would be just actually care about what you're doing. Yeah. Like, it'll be fine. Absolutely. And just practice.

Yeah, totally. I need to take that fucking advice if I'm being honest. Come to New York. I know. Honestly, my manager is based in New York. There's so much comedy over there. It's like almost exhausting. Well, I have to come see you when you're doing stand-up.

I have a show July 18. Period. I have in well now everyone else knows too that you have a show July 18 yeah come down July 18th to who size two beautiful women can't host a comedy show by my friends Vivian and Roxanne and it's what a kick-ass name for a show right and then I'm the man on there I'm like sure I go on stage I'm like look I've been transvestigated on the internet one time and I'm not letting it happen again I literally had a whole thread about me at one time where people were zooming in on my penis

and sweatpants and they were like, look, he doesn't have a penis. And that video of you singing chapel around would beg to never. We'll prove them all wrong. It'll prove all your haters wrong. Right. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I adore you. You're so funny. Thank you so much

for having me. Oh my gosh. I came here for you. Period. I got my flight on Skiplag and I said, let's go. I showed up to the airport. They said, are you going to Sacramento? I said, yes, I am. You bet your goddamn ass. That is right. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you all for watching us.

Where can everybody find you? You can find me on social media at Ian is ugly with two eyes. And by the time this comes out, I will have my substack launch where I kind of go more into the fetish story. Like I have like a whole thing that I wrote about it. Yeah. And it's ugly world with two wise. com, UGL. W-O-R-L-D.

It's not looking good for that spelling me. It's hard to smell. It's hard to spell. It's not looking good for that spelling me. Fuck, you're right. I need to practice. You struggled with the word-word. Fuck. We're going to get there.

It's all right. You'll get there. These are your reps. This is you practicing. Ian's one of the funniest people alive. So please make sure you go follow Ian if you don't already on everything. And make sure you go see him in New York

in July 18th, you said. That is right. At a comedy show. And just you'll follow him everywhere. And then you'll know when he's. going and doing shit. And then see you in New York. Period. They already know that. I'm like, listen me, please. I'm like, say it

on camera. I'm badgering the fuck out of them about me going on tour. You all already know that. And if you're not coming to see me, you're dead to me. You both are going, right? Yes, me and we're doing it together. But it's going to be a key. And thank you so much for joining us on this episode. You're the best. Thank you so much for watching this episode of the comment section. Don't forget

new episodes come out every Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming problems or you can watch the video for free exclusively on Spotify. And don't forget I listen to your bitching and your moaning. And now the old episodes are on replay Fridays on the past your bedtime YouTube channel. One day I'm not going to fuck that one up. One day.

Just not today. Anyways, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much to my amazing guest, Ian. And I'll see you next week. Bye.