The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - NOBODY SWEATS IN THIS INDUSTRY Ft. Matt Bellassai

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

Video available on Spotify. Comedian Matt Bellassai joins Drew on the show this week for an episode that covers everything from questioning if New Yorkers are really assholes to Casper the ghost. They tell their red carpet sweat horror stories, talk about vintage insults, Doordashing a single slice of cake, restaurants just making up fake names for dishes, and so much more! Drew: https://linktr.ee/drewafualo Matt: IG / TikTok Diss and Tell Podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My mom was like, we should get generators. I'm like, period. Yeah. Look on Instacart. And they're expensive. Like, generators are expensive. So I got two of them, like one from my mom and one from my house. And my dad, like, text me and was like, hey, are these the generators?

And he sends because my parents are connected to my ring cameras too. Uh-huh. And he sends me a video of the guy. And he has it on my driveway. And he's rolling it up, like a log. Like, he's just picking up one side and then pushing it over and it's like, and he's like, do you? And he's speaking up the other.

this item. He's slowly rolling it up, like, slamming it on the ground. And my boyfriend saw it on the ring. And he went open the door and he's like, do you need help? And the guy's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was just like bringing him up. I think he didn't know I had it. I was like, I was watching him destroy the item that I fucking bought.

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your favorite. Everybody knows me, but nobody knows where we're at. So I'm going to give you an update, okay? We're in New York. New York stand the fuck up. That's a joke that mean I'm going to make all the time. We're in New York, so we're in a different space.

And I know it's kind of scary. So like when you move a pet and you put a t-shirt that smells like you in there, here's a mug. This is for you. I'm on the right side. Or your left. Anyways, we're in New York, and it's very exciting. So on to the best part of every episode, which is the amazing guest.

Today we have the one, the only, the iconic, the legendary. Matt Bellaside. Welcome to New York. Thank you. That's the only New York accent I can do, and I won't be trying another one. I appreciate that. I'm glad you're not trying it again. It's offensive if I do.

I've lived here for 11 years, but still. Oh, damn, a long time. Yeah. Over a decade. So I'm a bitch now. I mean, I always was kind of, but. So you fit in faster? But now I'm, now I can fight.

I feel like. Like actually Everyone's like, we can see you This is a video Thank you so much for coming on the show Thank you for having me And thank you for waiting for me Everyone Matt waited so patiently for me

I was late today because I had a mental breakdown this morning Check It's not work unless you break down At least once No yeah I usually get up Have a minor breakdown Pop my antidepressants

There you go Yeah a couple vitamins And then you're like That was kind of crazy What I was doing back there That was kind of crazy If you're not having a breakdown before breakfast What are you doing?

What are you doing? Living normally? Can't relate. Being mentally healthy, saving money saving money on therapy. It's expensive. God, I love my therapist. I adore her.

I can't afford it. I mean, I can, but I'm like, why are they charging? It's expensive. I'm therapists together like, it's $400 an hour to tell you it's your mom's fault. We know.

You're like, and if I get drunk enough, I'll figure that on my own. Exactly. Yeah. I spend long enough in any sort of bar. I'll figure that out. Right, right. A girl in line for the bathroom at a bar could tell me more than my therapist could.

Period. For free. Yeah. I'm literally like, sometimes when I talk to my therapist and I tell her things and she's like, well, and she like kind of reads me a little bit. I'm like, who side are you on? First of all? Yeah. I'm not paying you $400 an hour to disagree with me.

First of all, you're supposed to be on my side. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Me. I love my favorite thing my therapist has ever said was just like, what do you want me to tell you right now? And I was like, love that. You're just asking me to give you the script. And you're so real for that.

Yeah, which is true. Sometimes you just need them to say a certain thing. I want you to tell me I'm so pretty and nothing is ever my fault. Yeah. Thoughts? Is that so much to ask? And then, yeah, I have to whip out the Amex and that's it. And then that's our thing.

Yeah. That's our bit. Me, when I first started therapy, I was like trying to constantly make my therapist laugh. Yeah. Me just like refusing to put down comedy for even a second. Right, right. I got her like one time. She giggled a little bit.

She's like, Drew, come on. Yeah. I was like, hey, I got you though. And then they hit you with the like, is it important to you that I find you funny? And you're like, okay, I guess I'll kill myself. And what if I said it was? Right. What if I said it was, huh?

And then what? I was like, my life's in your hands currently. Yeah. So be nice to me. My therapist did at one point ask if, I know, now we're just talking about therapy. That's all right. I'm cool with it. She was like, are you afraid that if we like fix you, you won't be funny anymore?

And I was like, yeah, actually. Because that's the only reason people are funny. The way that kind of gagged me a little bit. They're fundamentally broken people. The way that kind of gagged me a little. I was like, uh, uh-oh. But hopefully not, right? Hopefully not.

Yeah. I wouldn't say so. Your comedy doesn't just come from a place of being a funny. fundamentally flawed human being. No way. Yeah. Mental illness, maybe. Right.

Witt and intelligence, 99% of it, if you ask me. I'd say I'm just so incredibly smart. That's why I'm funny. Exactly. See, for you, it's so much of your stuff is a lot of other people being needing therapy. Period. Right. I'm a therapist, but not really.

Exactly. I'm more so, like... As long as everybody else in the world remains, like, unfixed, you'll be fine. As job security. Specifically men. Yeah, specifically men. Right, right. You dealt with terrible men on the internet before?

I mean, who hasn't? Right. We've all, yeah. Fall and prey. I'm telling you. Yeah, no, I've never had a positive interaction with a man on the internet. Gay or straight. Period.

Or in between. Yeah. One thing about them, they're going to be consistent on the internet. The brand. That's their brand on the internet. That is, yeah. Every time I have a bad interaction with a gay, person, I'm like, don't make me hate gay people.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I saw this. I'll turn. I saw this tweet once that was like, I really hate when you guys make me side with a man. Like, that's how I feel. Yeah. When they, like, make a valid point or like they're like kind of.

You can never give it to them. No. You still have to. Not publicly. No, yeah. Privately, yeah. Right. But I'm not happy about it.

I tell you that much. Yeah. You got to keep that locked up. Yeah, locked up at all. You can't give them an inch and they take a mile. Right, exactly. Not even a little bit of wiggle room. That's like sometimes when people want to talk to me about like,

back in the day, like when I first started like really making videos all the time, I would get tagged in videos of men saying shit like girls, ladies, it's okay if you have stretch marks. That's the whole video. Half a million likes. All the comments are like, this one's good. like protect this one and they're like tagging me and they're like maybe we can shout out some good ones no hey no no actually i will not be doing that first of all who does not have stretch marks literally everybody yeah that's not exclusive to women but okay yeah i am so upset that every time listen i got stretch marks and i've bought the creams and i hate that every bottle

of stretch mark cream has a pregnant woman on the front of it we need to have to have to have more inclusive stretch mark creams. No, seriously. That's a human thing. Right. It's not exclusive to women. Now at Target, I have to have an employee come up and unlock the thing. Well, I point at the stretch mark cream.

It's not for me, though. You're like giving them a story. It's not for me. My wife actually needs this. You can unlock it. And then you're like, thanks, girl. Appreciate you. I just feel like, whenever they tell me that, I'm like, that's bare minimum.

I'm not giving them. We don't want to give them a first. place prize for not being an awful human being. I hate, I mean, the problem with, like, the TikTok algorithm is that it's just telling on yourself if you talk about, like, what is on your algorithm. But yeah, whenever I see, like, a shirtless man doing the absolute minimum, I'm like, come on. And people eat it up.

They do. Sometimes I want to tell them, stand up. Stand up immediately. So I want to tell when they sit, it's like a man with, like, a dangly earring. And then they're like, ladies, like, it's okay if you know, shave your legs, everyone. in a while. They've weaponized the dangly earring.

The dangly earring and the pearl necklace have become weapons of war. I always think I'm like, men like that are like blending in just enough.

But you know it's down there. Right. It's like, I feel like a drug dog I can sniff it. You know what I mean? Like if I sniff you long enough I'll find it.

Yeah. Yeah. TSA, that dog walking around that's me. Every man that crosses paths with me. Right. So there are a few men who on online like I've seen

and I'm like, I don't know, I just have a feeling. Like, there's just a vibe that they give me. And then they also never, like, interact with my content, never follow me. That's pretty telling to me too. Right. And you're like, oh, you don't follow me? Misogynist. So you hate women.

Just recently, there was one guy that, like, I felt that way from the beginning of my TikTok journey to now. Uh-huh. And I just recently, like, literally a month ago, like, someone confirmed to me that he is in fact a rife misogynist. And I was like, I knew it.

Yeah. And as of Virgo, I love being right. Right. Oh, I'd love to be right. When is your birthday? September 18. Next week?

Yes. Week and a half? Week and a half from now. Happy early birthday. Thank you. When's your birthday? It was August 2nd. Oh, okay.

So you're a Leo. Oh, yeah. Love that for you. Naturally. I have to say, too, before I forget, I've loved you ever since your Wine About It series. Right.

Also my favorite. My early alcoholic days. That series. That series was genuinely one of my favorite things to watch. Thank you. I just think you're genius, brilliant. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, I was throwing back bottles of wine.

At work? At work. I love that. I remember watching you and I was thinking, you're so funny. And I was thinking like, that's so awesome that you can like just do that and be so hard. Yeah, but then I was legit drunk at work, got like 2 p.m. on a Monday. And then he would have like meetings that have.

to go to and... You want me to do things after this? No, it was difficult. We decided that we would film before... We used to get free lunches on Mondays. And so we would film before the free lunch so then I could like, you know, douse it. Yeah, there you go. Soak it up.

Yeah. Some tacos and stuff. Something real greasy. That's actually pretty smart. Yeah. The planning around your lunchtime. Well, the problem was we... The first time we went to film, we filmed at like five So then it was like, okay, it's the end of the day and a normal time to be drinking a bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah.

But the lighting is better at noon, though. That's literally why we started doing it in the middle of the day. Aesthetics more important. Right. And then don't forget about your meeting later on today. Yeah. It's fine. How do you drink now?

Do you feel good? Do you feel better when you drink now? Because I feel like my drinking has gone a lot. Like, my tolerance for alcohol is what I meant. Relax. My tolerance. So your tolerance has gone up or down? Down.

Significantly. Same. Since when I was like a little fatty in college. Like when I was a big whore. Right. I could drink a sailor bitch. Girl, I could drink a man under the table. We used to drink skull, which is like the vodka that's in like a disintegrating bottle.

If you pour it fast enough, the bottle will just fall apart. That, yeah, my body used to be able to take that. That's crazy. No. Now I have like a glass of wine and I'm like climbing tree. that's not... Not out of work tomorrow. Immediately.

Yeah, no, my tolerance is terrible. I think it's the combination of, like, getting a little older and truly antidepressants. Really? They'll be like, yeah, this will make every drink that you have worth, like, three drinks. Damn. Right. You save money. That's true.

I think being a lightweight is a good thing. That's true. Because when I was younger, well, I've talked about this before, too. I'm like, when you're young, I feel like you drink to get fucked up. You don't drink because you like the taste. It's just like you want to get trash because you. you want to have fun. Yeah.

When I was young, I could drink. I drank like crazy. If I did that now, I'd be sent to a hospital. No, yeah. A mental hospital. If I drink a full bottle of wine right now, it would be body bag. It was so bad. A few months ago, I remember I went with my boyfriend to my in-law's house, and we

were just hung out. It's like normal barbecue. I had four light beers. Uh-huh. Light. Light. Next day. 90 calories.

Light beers are the, the sense that I was like, these are fine. Like, they're going to hurt me. Next day, I thought I had COVID. I literally was calling, I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I was like, I feel so terrible. I was so awful. Like, me just, like, acting like I'm literally dying. Yeah. Because it felt like I was. And then I call my mom when I was crying. I'm like, something's wrong with me. Like, I took three COVID tests and it says negative, but I feel so sick. And she's like, do you have like a fever or anything? I'm like, no, I just feel so awful. Like my head hurts. I'm nauseous. And my mom was like, didn't she drink yesterday? And I was

like, I had four light beers. Might as well have been water. No. And then she was like, I think you're hungover. Yeah. Wrong. Wrong. Your body is changing. It's going against me is what it's doing.

That's not cool. Yeah. No, I just can't do it anymore. So I do stand-up and I'll drink during my stand-up shows. And I, yeah, there has been a couple of times more recently than I'd like to admit where I've been on stage and been like, ooh. I still know I have 30 minutes left. but I am struggling up here. And it's never, I've never thrown up on stage.

Damn. That's good. Yeah. That's a good thing. I've actually only thrown up from drinking four times. I've only, that's actually not bad. I take pride in that.

That is actually really good. Yeah. I think I've thrown up like two times. Wow. Yeah. I thought I was bragging and then you hit me with a lower number. Well, I'm a lot younger than you. Just kidding.

That's true. You still have time to catch up. I'm like, I'm like so much younger than you're basically a child I didn't even know I could drink I'm gonna be 28 okay yeah so like it's I got more time on me I think right I'm only 33 even though I have the hairline

of a much older man and the breasts of a much younger woman yeah period my yeah my tolerance is at the bottom of the barrel truly okay well that's that makes me feel good I feel like I've found community in that yeah yeah of like people who wish they could drink more, but it's just, we can't.

They're like, do you want to drink? I'm like, nah, I'm good. Yeah. And even like, because I'm just like an internet dickhead for living, whenever I go to like things with other internet people and like, oh, I have so many friends on the internet too, but like everyone that's on the internet now especially is like young and soaking wet. Don't know why. Soaking wet. 90 pounds. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shiny wet. And 19. So every time I meet people, they're like, do you want drink? And I'm like, no, I'm like, no, I. I'm good.

Yeah. Do you like not drink or something? I don't like that tone. Right. First of all, fix it. Yeah. Yeah. Fix it.

No. No. Gen Z. I don't know. Are you Gen Z? I'm millennial. Okay. Yeah.

I'm like right in the middle. Right. The millennial, I think. No, I can't. If I talk to someone who's Gen Z for more than like five minutes, I'll end up crying. It scares me. There's something else. They really are.

There's something else. It's almost like too much access to information is a bad thing sometimes. Right. Yeah, you grew up in the worst possible time. No, seriously. Your brain has been fundamentally transformed by the internet. Like actually, though. Like, we at least remember dial-up.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. To some extent. I remember dial-up. Don't get me wrong. I had a house computer. Sure, sure, sure, sure. I had a house phone. The corner desk.

Yeah, exactly. And then my sister and I, we would, like, play games on the computer when we were younger. But, like, we'd set, like, a timer. My mom would be, like, set this time where you guys each kid. like 10 minutes or something. Nobody can be on the phone. Yeah, exactly. At the same time kind of thing.

So I do remember that. Good. Good, good, good. That's why sometimes people don't believe me when I say I'm a millennial, but I was born 95. I think the cutoff's like 98 or something. Yeah. I'm at that point in my dating life where I'm like, I don't know, it scares me to go younger than like 27 at the very lowest.

I don't know. In gay years, it feels like every year is like monumentally something. happens. Yeah, no. You know what's funny is I feel like I just talked about this with my sister, one of my friends, because we were talking about how like, you're so different when you're like 21. Right. Even to like 24. Like that is a huge difference. Yeah, no. I won't talk to anybody younger than 24, period. I just have nothing in common. Even like a child, the last time I like interacted with a literal child was, I don't know, the 2010s maybe. I have not, I don't like to see it.

I don't like. I feel that. Yeah. I feel it. That's fair. That's kind of how I feel about really older people. So like when people like date like much older. Like when people date older.

Oh, sure, sure. What do you talk about? Yeah. The 2008 housing crisis? Like what you talk about. Yeah, that's it. You know what I'm saying? That's it.

The Great Depression. I don't know. What was the cable car like? I don't know. It is depressing. Yeah, to see people like on the dating apps or Grindr be like, no one older than 31 and it's like

okay that's really young right but that's like I guess I'm a dad now you're geriatric apparently yeah which is true everything I've said so far indicates that I am in fact geriatric I mean you and me both

I'm like an 80 year old man mentally if I'm being honest I made a like joke the other day to someone and I like I kind of gagged him a little bit and we like laughed about it And then my sister was talking to me about it afterwards, and she's like, you kind of got him a little bit.

I was like, I know. I was like, because he was making jokes about me, so I was making jokes about him, like, Riffin, you know? And I kind of stunted, I stumped him a little bit. And I was like, hey, if you're going to hit the king, you got to kill the king. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. And Jason was like, what the fuck does that even mean?

I was like, you know, like, if you, like, I'm like really good, and if you attack me, you got to be better than me. Right, right. She's like, I don't like when you say old-timey saying stym. Yeah. No, that is a little bit like, you were coming out of him with Popeye language a little bit. I thought this was a safe space. My bad.

It's fine. No. I got it. I just. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like even, because sometimes a lot of some of my friends, they'll like date older men and they'll like go on dates with them. And so just for funnies. I'm like, slay bitch.

I mean, do what you got to do? But then when I talk to them later, I'm like, what do you guys talk about? Right. I'm so curious. Like, what do you talk about? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Like, you ever dating an older guy?

Nobody older than, yeah, like a few years older than me. Same. That's what I'm saying, same. No. The age difference has never been higher than, like, I think the highest was like five. Right. If that. So.

Like someone in their 40s or above. That is like still not bad, but I'm like. But it's middle age, right? Right. I just don't know what we have in common. Nothing. Yeah. Especially on a dating level.

You know what I'm saying? But see, the thing about gay. It's like we are, everyone is like perpetually like 15. Yeah, that's true. Right. That's a good point. It's not a good thing, but it is true. So it's easier.

Right. Yeah, I feel that. It's like everybody has sort of been stunted at that age. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. The oldest guy I ever dated was like, I think five years old than me. Yeah.

Maybe a little bit older. And you were like 15. Not even I was 21. No, he was older than that. I think he was 29. nine, so eight years. Yeah. And he turned out to be one of the worst people I've ever met. So, listen. See, you never know. Pattern established, I think.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm gambling right now. Yeah. With, there's someone I'm talking to who is like five years younger where I'm like. Seen. Yeah. You're just testing the waters. It does feel like I'm dating a preschooler, but also you never know. You never know. Yeah. At least you have like what you said, you guys all kind of have the same like mindset to some extent. So at least like for like fucking straight guys.

Like it's just as soon as they hit, they go past 25. Right. They just know everything to ever exist in the entire world ever. So like anytime they talk to women, it's like they talk to like they're the stupidest bitch on planet Earth. And that's the part that really fucking irks me. Which is why I think on my platform, I just tell them to suck my wiener and that's like more than enough. And then they're like, this bitch is an idiot. I'm like, well, I don't need to prove to you that I don't have a double-digit IQ.

Right. I can just tell you to eat my ass and that's funny. I am a stupid bitch. So that's why I'm like, I don't. I'm not pretending to be like some wise older man. I'm like, yeah. At the end of the day, you're like, I'm a stupid bitch. I'll tell you, when I'm the dumbest bitch, like when I truly feel like the dumbest person alive is like when I do anything related to my car.

Yeah. anything literally at all, I feel like what misogynists believe women to be. Right. I am that person. Right. I am that fucking girl. Where you're like paying for tire, like air for your tire? Girl, when I had to get tires replaced, I'm like talking to the guy on the phone.

I'm like, hey, I got like two flat. Like I had, um, tiny holes in two of my tires. So I'm like, I had to replace both of them. And he's like, okay. Like, can you tell me? And he might as well have been speaking Mandarin to me, bitch. Like I don't know what you're saying. Like you're asking me a bunch of questions.

I don't know the answers to. Right. So he asked me all these questions and I'm like, I'm going to tell you what I know about this car. It's gray. Right. As far as it goes for me. Like, I don't drive because I live in New York.

Oh, yeah. That's nice. I've had to rent cars for gigs. And I, there was one, I'd never been in a car where you had to press the button to start it. Like a push to start? Yeah. Which is now every vehicle. Yeah.

And someone had to come up. It was like, I was sitting in, I was looking up like YouTube videos on how. to start this car. And someone had to come up and show me. That's crazy. So that's how little I know about vehicles. You got me there. I went to college.

You're like, I have a degree. Yeah, but I don't know. Something happened. Probably all of the wine I drank. I just lost too many brain sales. And now I like smoke weed. And so that is killing brain sales. I love that.

That's a big reason why I don't drink anymore anyways. Yeah. Because I prefer that. Right. The Cali diet. I'm telling you. Mm-hmm. I just think.

I don't feel like shit the next morning and I don't shit in my own bed. So I feel like that works out for me. Yeah. Maybe a little, meant too many rice, crispy treats, but that's for me to confront. That's no one else's problem. Are your lungs turning into like popcorn? Sure. Sure. But hey.

Hey, it's better than nicotine. I don't smoke. Yeah, exactly. There you go. See, that's a perfect example of a conversation. I have my therapist and I'm like, tell me I'm not a bad person. You tell me I'm always right and nothing's ever my fault. I think that's acceptable. Yeah, no, that sounds right to me.

Yeah. My other advice. See, the problem, I maintain that, like, people will say, oh, smoking weed is healthier than drinking. Yeah. But then, like, I'll smoke weed and order, like, the worst thing you can possibly put in your body. The amount of times... It tastes so different.

I have door-dashed just a single slice of cake. For where? Often. When I tell you, I'll pay $25 for a single slice of chocolate cake. Just for it to be the Lord. I wish I was joking. I'll pull up my seamless history right now, and it is, it is bad. I hired a business manager recently, and they're, like, helping me, like, do taxes and all that.

And my mom... They were like, what are these expenses? My mom is one of my managers, and she was, like, helping me with my taxes. And she was like, yeah, it's mostly just, like, DoorDash orders. I'm like, okay, first of all, don't need to put that in email. Thank you, though. Love me to death. Don't need to put that in email.

I relate. so bad. Truly, that's all it is. The amount of money I spend on seamless, embarrassing. Well, also I think, too, like, you know this too. Like, we travel a lot. So it's like, I'll buy groceries and they'll go bad because I'll be gone for two

weeks. Yeah. Come back. Then I buy groceries for one day. Then I leave for two days. Then they're gone. They're bad. So, like, the only choice you have is to eat out, which is frustrating.

There are stuff in the back of my refrigerator that I'm too afraid to touch. Because like, yeah, once it reaches, I have a sourdough starter from 2020 that it's in a special little crock that I bought and I'm too afraid to open the lid. I'm not even joking. Whatever's going on under there is none of my business at this point.

At this point, it is... Give it to God. Let the universe take it. It has a full pulse. I don't think I can even legally throw it away at this point. There's like an ecosystem under there. Yeah, I cannot. I need to bring that sourdough crock

to Mexico in order to dispose of it. Recently, when I came to New York, I'm going to be here for a while. So, like, my uncle was house-sitting for me, and I have a dog, so he's, like, watching him. And he was like, I was like, all right, we're going to take off, go to the airport.

And he's like, okay, cool. Do you mind if I throw away some stuff, like some food that, yeah, that looks kind of bad? Right. And I was like, oh, yeah, I know there's, like, a couple bananas that are, like, a little ripe, but, like, they're not that bad. He goes, no, those aren't the ones.

I'm talking about and I went and looked and I have girl I have some rotten ass bananas I was like oh my god I forgot I forgot I'm both those I was like I'm so embarrassed he goes I'm gonna go ahead and like empty out a bunch of stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah that's good though if you have someone else do it that's fine I have I've fully throw away a thing of Tupperware once it gets too gross I've done that I'll buy new ones I don't want to touch that I don't even trust it anymore you know what whatever I'll I'll take it I'll own the expense Even with DoorDash, like, I showed my sister, I don't know if you guys have it here, but they have like the Express on there. Do you guys have that? Yeah. It's like a Rush order. Seamless and they don't do that. Seamless is like the East Coast version of Grubhub. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It's literally the same app, but they just call it seamless. I don't know why. So I mostly use that and they don't have like priority delivery. Oh, I see. Yeah, DoorDash has that. And it's like for an extra $4 or something. and I showed my sister that because she had never seen that. I'm like, yeah, do they have like an express thing?

I was like, press it. And then she was like, I wish you never showed me that thing. Because it gets their like 40 minutes faster. Yeah. And I'm like, I'll pay it. That's what Instacart has. Do you use Instacart? Hell yeah, all the time.

See, here's the thing. This is kind of controversial because the joke on like the internet is that if you get assigned a male shopper, your order is automatically going to be fucked up because men do not know how to shop. Period. And it is like a privileged thing to complain about. Absolutely. People have come back and then been like, oh, I'm sorry that the like slave that you hired didn't get your right order.

And I'm like, okay. But I did just, long story short, I had a bunch of bug bites from a wedding I was at that was outside. Desperately needed. This is the kind of things that I instigart. Desperately needed some calamine lotion. This was like three days ago. And so it was like 10.30 at night. and I found a Walgreens that had this lotion spray.

And I ordered it and got assigned a mail shopper and I was like, okay, so I'm not getting this lotion for sure. And he got there and then I get the message that like they don't have the item that you want. And then he sends me a picture of the shelf with all of the itch stuff. And I see the fucking thing on the shelf in the picture that he sent me. He's like, I tried my absolute hardest. Right. He just walked in. I was like, it's literally the pink box.

It's also like the one thing that is the brightest color. Yeah. It's like, I was like, it's the pink bottle right there. And then he sends me a picture of a red bottle that was on a different shelf. I was like, are you fucking getting me? The exact name of the thing that I punched in. And they show you a picture of it. I feel like you're playing a trick on me.

Yeah. Then he tried to call me and I was like, no, we're not talking. I'm absolutely not answering that. Figure it out. No, I will never answer the phone for anybody. I was like, it's the pink bottle. That'll piss me off. And I paid like $30 just for this itch cream.

You're right about it being like a privileged thing to complain about. So we know that. Yeah. But even like I ordered because the hurricane that like hit like Mexico and went up the coast. I ordered generators. And that's only because I don't have a Sam's Club card, which is like a Costco. I don't have that. And also I was like doing a bunch of.

stuff for work. So I was like, okay, my mom was like, we should get generators. I'm like, period. I'll look on Instacart. And they're expensive. Like, generators are expensive. So I got two of them, like one from my mom and one for my house. And so we were like, I ordered them. The guy was like, no problem. I got it. It's a man. I'm like, okay. And I'm like, okay, I'm trusting that you're okay. He took a very long time to bring him to me far longer than it said. And I was like, that's fine. I'm not in a rush. Just as long as you bring it. And, And it was like a mini fridge and a George Foreman grill. Not at all what you asked for.

Pany hose and a fly swatter. It was like two random things. But he like, he brings them to my house. And like I have like ring cameras all over my house like all around the perimeter of it. Yeah. And my dad like text me and was like, hey, are these the generators? And he sends because my parents are connected to my ring cameras too. Uh-huh.

And he sends me a video of the guy. And he has it on my driveway and he's rolling it up like a log. What? Like he's just picking up one side and then pushing it over and it's going, like, dizz. And he's speaking it at the other side and then he's pushing it. It's like, he's slowly rolling it up, like, slamming it on the ground. It's in, it's not in a steel case. It's in like a plastic box or a cardboard box.

And my boyfriend saw it on the ring. And he went open the door and he's like, do you need help? And the guy's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was just like bringing him up. I think he didn't know I had cameras. Like I was watching him destroy the item that I fucking bought. Did they work? I honestly don't know.

I'm kind of scared to turn them on. My dad was like, I hope those work when we try to gas them up. I'm like, I'm inclined. That is the thing. I do love videos of delivery drivers, like just absolutely throwing shit onto the porch. Just not caring, not giving a shit, not one bit. And I'm like, you know what? Go off.

But it's also like, yeah. We know they're being treated horribly. That's what I'm saying. Go off King. What you got to do? Like, I'm cool of it. I actually deserve this for ordering it. I'm not going to get mad of you.

That's why I was like, I saw it. I was like, well, you know, maybe they're heavy. That was the thing about the Instagram. I was like, I don't, I can't even get mad because, like, you have my address and I'm not about to pick a fight with some rando. No, seriously. Yeah. Especially here. Yeah.

Especially here. Absolutely not. They don't go fuck here. I cannot defend myself for shit. When I first came here, I used to really, really not like New York. Yeah. Because I'm just like. Nobody likes it.

It's not like. They tolerate it. fun. Yeah, they tolerate it. Yeah. They're just okay with it. I feel like, because I'm just like a West Coast person, that's why. It's so different over here.

But I think I really hated it in the beginning because I just genuinely don't like how little human space there is here. Right. That's one. And I'm a large person. So like I feel like I'm always in the way here. And also one of the things that pissed me off the most was like nobody believes in escalators and what they're used for here.

They use them like stairs. Yeah. Which is not what they're used for. My least favorite. And like somehow I'm the asshole if I'm using it the way God intended. Yeah. Even like that people mover at the airport. Oh.

One girl called me a fucking bitch because I was like standing but like off to the side. I agree. I'm like. I'm so sorry. First of all, hold on. Before you drag me, let me give context. It was a red eye. We landed at two in the morning.

Okay. Okay. No one in the airport. Like hardly any people. I moved to. the side, I'm walking, but slowly. So, like, I could have been standing. Right, right.

I might as well have been, but, like, I was walking. Just slowly. And she got pissed off at me, and I told, hey, guys, scoot to the side. This girl wants to go around. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, you fucking bitch. And then she just kept going. Okay.

Well, I'm never going to call someone a bitch to their face. But I was like, well, come back here and tell me that girl. Like, yeah, I thought y'all were all about confronting people here. Because I'm from Chicago, and I feel like the Chicago. Like the Chicago airport is the biggest offender of that, where every time I land in Chicago, I'm like, yes, these are my people. But like, if you don't move your fucking ass on the moving sidewalk. I swear to God.

This is not, we're not, this is not break time. Especially in the airport because you're like, I'm trying to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. No, I, it's awful. Not only do I move at New York speed, I move at gay New York speed, which is already like 1.75. So I'm like, come on. Get out of my way. Move, move, move, move.

And the amount of times I've been on an escalator here and I've been like shoulder checked because I'm standing and using it the way that it's supposed to be used. It's crazy. That's a thing about... The New York vibe is not like the stereotype is that we're all assholes. And it's not that we're assholes. It's just there's eight, nine million people on top of one another.

And like everybody is just in a bad mood. It's not like we're not trying to be assholes or you just don't want people to get in our way. I feel that. Even when we were like, we went to a bagel shop, like the first day we were here. And we were like standing in line. And he was like, next. And then we weren't ready.

So we were just watching. And then he goes, next. Like scream. And then I was like, you can go in front of us. Yeah. I was like, okay, good. And he walked around us. I was like, my bad.

My bad. I'll make someone feel so bad. I'm sorry. If you get to the register and your Apple pay and or credit card is not out, get out. Get out of the. bagel shop. I'm not playing around. That's why like sometimes I'll literally, only here is like where I will look up a menu before I go if I know it's not a sit down. Yeah. Because I don't want to be embarrassed like that. And I didn't do it and we all got embarrassed. My whole party. Right. All five of us.

When I'm with the group and the waiter comes over and says, are we ready? And then like there's a pause. I feel it's my obligation to be like, give us a minute. These bitches are not ready. I feel personally responsible. I'm like, I know you fucking hate us right now. Five second pause they just took. You're like, I'm ready, but some people are. If you want to start preparing my food,

that would be great, actually. Can I put my order in now, actually? That's definitely a New York thing, for sure it is. When it's like a standing order thing, if I'm trying to read, and I have terrible vision, so I can't read that 0.27 font, I can't read it from where I'm standing. No, you got to look it up ahead of time and know what you're doing.

Or I have my boyfriend read me the menu or my sister. I'm like, hey, what does that say underneath number four? No, I'll do the thing where, especially if it's like a date where I have to pretend like I didn't look it up ahead of time. I know exactly what I'm ordering the second I sit down. Yeah. This looks, I wonder what that is. Pretend to peruse. Yeah.

Especially at a restaurant where like I have to Google what the items are. Do you have to do that? Yeah. Like, especially here, because some places, like, especially a French restaurant. Right. Girl I don't fucking know. Italian. Italian is a great one.

I don't fucking know. Right. They're just inventing pastas that I've never heard of before. And I'm Italian. You're trying. You should make me look dumb. I'm on to you. Just call it chicken.

We don't have to be calling it all this fancy. Poisson. That is like a chicken thing that I had to look up. Oh, that's French, yeah? Yeah. Posson. Yeah. It's like a baby chicken.

Is it really? Yeah. I'm thinking of that song from The Little Mermaid, and that makes me think of crab. Sure. He's like, Lampasant, Lanpoise on. Don't act like you don't know the song. Now you're making me look silly. No, I know it.

I'm not going to sing it. Okay, good. You know it then. Yeah. I thought he was singing about crabs. But apparently, I'm glad you told me that's not what it means. So I'm not embarrassed. I mean, it makes more sense that he would be singing about crabs, but...

He was singing about chickens, actually. Maybe, yeah. I don't know. Maybe I ate crab and I just thought it was chicken. I've never actually been to Europe. Have you been to Europe? Yeah. I have. Yeah, actually. You haven't. Spain. I've been to England. And I've been to Italy. And how did you like it? And the airport in France.

Oh, the airport. I think the best example that I could give is that I, when I flew to London, we had a layover in France at the. airport there. And I went to Starbucks in the French airport because I was like, okay, local cuisine. And I ordered a sandwich and the French barista was like, you get it yourself.

Okay. And I was like, he like could not believe I was asking him to like fetch me a sandwich. He was like, you get it yourself. And so, and then I got to London and that week I went to a coffee shop and they had sandwiches and I went to reach for it. And the

I was like, do not touch the sandwiches. You're going over the glass. What is happening? Yeah. Yeah. So Europe was very disorienting. You're like, I don't understand your culture. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. What does you mean? Like, you go and get it yourself and like, it was like kind of, you know, sometimes there's the glass case of stuff that you are able to reach in and get. Gotcha. And sometimes they fetch it from behind. Yeah. And I, yeah, I just got it wrong.

And it was, that was on me, of course, because there was no signs. My dad. I look so American I can't believe that you're shots Like every country I've ever been to They just come up and immediately start speaking English Like there's no question that I am not From there

So I'm like you should know that I don't know what I'm doing Yeah please look at me Literally look at me And if you try to order just like a coffee They're like Where do you fucking think you are This is not what do you mean coffee? What is it espresso?

Right you either have to get like an espresso Americano like it's never just a coffee Oh my fucking bad Yeah Jesus least I know I'm a little nervous to go to Europe I'm supposed to go I think next year But I'm only nervous

Because I am a Virgo Like I've established already Which means I really need to know literally everything About where I'm going at all times Like I need to be tuned in And if I don't speak the language And I don't understand They're like how everything works

That makes me nervous Yeah Which is my mental illness or is it just me being a Virgo? So you've got to get on Duolingo now. I am actually on Duolingo, but I'm not learning, like, French or anything. First of all, that owl is a terrorist. Let's talk about.

The scariest mascot that they can possibly come up with. They're going crazy. They're going to that Duolingo owl. Yeah. She's everywhere. She walks carpets. Yeah. She was at the Barbie premiere.

She went to, like, a sex club in Berlin, and they were putting her in, like, leather gear. Are you being serious? Absolutely serious. I didn't see that. Yeah. What's the fuck? Duolingo owl is getting like fisted in Germany. And it will tell you how to ask for it.

I guarantee it. They speak every language at that point. No, but if you have I had it for a little while and if you like don't do it every day, they like threaten you. They're so mean. The owl will be in your inbox being like, I'm under your bed. You don't. I'm calling in an air strike to your house if you don't do your lesson today immediately. I know I was teaching myself.

Native Hawaiian. Sure. I was trying to learn Native Hawaiian because I'm someone. So like I'm trying to learn someone at the same time. And a lot of indigenous languages, like Polynesian indigenous languages are all somewhat similar. Yeah. In a lot of ways. But also like someone's a dying language.

So that's not on dualingo, but Hawaiian is. So I was like, okay, I'm going to teach myself. Right. I don't think that will help me in France. No, it won't. Unfortunately. I also don't know how I'll be perceived in those countries. because I do look vastly different than anyone that lives there.

Yeah. So I do think about that a lot too. Yeah. Yeah. Sticking out like a sore thumb kind of thing. Yeah. They seem so unwelcome to everybody. Like literally everyone.

Also I heard most of England doesn't have air conditioning, which I find to be against God personally. Yeah. I think that's true of like most of Europe. Yeah. Like no air conditioning. Right. Why do people visit there?

Right. Especially in the summer. Like you innovated the bidet. You've had that, you've had clean pussy forever. We can't, we can't not sweat. I'm like, you colonized every culture on this goddamn planet, but you didn't create air conditioning. I don't understand. Yeah.

I don't understand that one bit. I don't get it. Right. Personally, I can't relate. Are you sweaty girl? I'm a very sweaty girl. I'm so sweaty. It's awful.

I have sweat through layers. This body is a prison. It really is. I cannot handle, especially in this industry, nobody sweats. Why? Hello? Botox. That's what I've heard.

Yeah. But then some people tell me that it worked for a while and then they had to like re-up it. And then it comes back like twice as hard. Yeah. And then I think to myself, I don't have the commitment to keep going back to those appointments. So I'm like, should I just suffer and sweat through my jeans or like, what do I do? Right. Because I'll tell you what's not cute, sweating in a getting image.

Not my favorite thing in the world. I'll be honest with you. Yeah. No, I just avoid looking up myself. on getting images because I'm sure that's a horror show. I like went to a carpet recently and the car. It's obviously been like ungodly hot outside lately. Even in California it's horrible.

But I was like, okay, carpet outside, mentally prepared now. And then they put it inside. So I was like, okay, period. Maybe this is the one carpet I do where I'm not hot. I go in that room. It's at least 90 degrees. Florida humidity in there. What the fuck?

I'm like, do you guys have the heaters on? What's going on? And I'm the only bitch sweating. When I tell you, there's 400 people in there, and I am the only person sweating. Yeah. Targeted attack. Racist, if you will. I agree.

It's racist, homophobic, misogynistic. Someone's against women in this room. Yeah. No, every award show, every, like, carpet event that I've been to has been a humiliation. It's never gone my way, ever. What's your worst carpet experience? Okay, there's two. One was not really a carpet.

I got invited to this screening for this movie, and I thought it was just, like, show up and, like, you're going to watch the movie and did not realize it was, like, a carpet. Got you. Because they're unclear sometimes. Yeah, they did not say at all. And I showed up, like, in jeans and a t-shirt and a baseball hat, and, like, Miss America was there.

She had, like, a floor-length gown on. You're like, ugh. Well, one of us had to change. I was also, like, stoned as fuck. And, yeah, it was embarrassing. Because they were like, do you want to walk the carpet? I was like, no. Where's my seat?

No, actually, I don't. I'll ask, thank you though. The craziest carpet story. It's not, well, this is, it's more an award show story. Gotcha. Because I won the People's Choice Award. Period. For social media back in 2016.

It was the first time they had that award. Love. And because it was such a new award, they were like, you're not going to get it on stage, but we'll hand it to you in the audience. We'll, like, come back from commercial, and the camera will be on you, and we'll hand it to you. Okay.

They, like, Maytry was in my seat before they came back, and they were like, okay, this is it. And they came back from commercial, a seat filler walked in front of the camera. The camera guy immediately forgot what I looked like, stopped on the man in front of me, who was, like, a 55-year-old man with dark hair. And, yeah, it said, like, Matt Bellisai winner,

No one's correcting you. And you see me in the background like, wait, what is happening? And the like model gave me the award. But you, you, you? Yeah, yeah. Not the other you. No. Okay.

She was like, I'm sorry. She's like, they told me to give it to you anyways. Yeah, like she knew, but the camera guy just thought I was a 55-year-old man. He's like, same thing, right? A dark beard. Yeah. And then I met that man the next day because he called me an apology. He was, the man.

who they stopped on, whose name is Eric Vitro, big fan. He is a celebrity vocal coach. He's training Ariana for Wicked. Oh, period. And yeah, we love him. He has a podcast, too.

And yeah, I was like, it's not your fault. You just smiled and gave a thumbs up. But yeah, that was my most humiliating. Like, even, to me is the perfect encapsulation of me of like, I was literally winning a popularity contest

and it was still the most embarrassing moment of my life. But not popular enough. Right. No, my parents were texting me being like, we're so sorry. What fuck is that? Did you do something different to your air? Yeah.

That's honestly so humbling. That'll fuck me up. But you know what? That award is on my shelf, so I got to go home with it. At the end. You win in the end. I had like... You know, who didn't win?

Cameron Dallas. Frankie Grande. And you could take that to the bank, actually. Mm-hmm. They would have confused them, maybe. Probably not. No, no. If you guessed that yourself enough, you could convince yourself.

Yeah, sure. Sure. That is true. They did come up, like, it's the same accounting company, like Pricewater or Cooper, whoever, they do, like, the Oscars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and they fuck that up, too a couple times. But they came up to me later and they were like, you really like, this is not rigged, this is like real voting. So they had to like assure me.

You're like, well, that makes me feel worse. Right. Like, no, I'm glad. I'm glad it's real. But also, yeah, nobody saw it. Yeah, like, I also like, that hurts my feelings a little bit more. Yeah. That it was real and you guys just didn't know who I was.

That's honestly worse. That's worse. That if they made a mistake, I don't think I've ever had anything quite like that yet. Not going to would. But I have been humiliated a few times. Yeah. I think it's natural. to happen. Right. At this point, I just have to embrace it. I feel it. It's like we're all just living

humiliation to humiliation. Lucky us, we get to do it in front of millions of people all the time. I felt, when I went to the Barbie premiere, actually, fell for the first time. I felt twice, not just once, but twice. And just in case I wasn't humbled enough, they had to do it to me the second time. And when I fell the first time, I wasn't on the carpet. It was like right before I got up there. But I was like, it's full. It's fine. It's fine. And I had a wig on, slid to the back of my neck

when I felt not fun. Don't love that. Second time I fell, we, because, you know, they make internet digheads walk at peak sun hour because they're like,

literally fuck you, but post when you're there. Thank you so much. Love you. Margot Robbie's walking at twilight, or at sundown. You're going to walk

when the sunset is highest. And so then they like took us to this little party and then they were like, you could wait for the shuttle or you could just walk back. And I was like, okay, I guess I'll walk.

So my sister and we're walking with other people like we're there walking back to the theater. It's like in a flat comfortable shoe, it's probably like a three minute walk. Right. In like a six inch platform and I've already fallen once. Might as well have been an hour. Right. So we're walking and like I'm like, all right, like trying to fix my stay. I'm like I feel better after the fall.

Everything's cool. There's a guy on the street. Like I'm like I can see the finish line. Like we're almost there. The paparazzi. Yeah, there's a paparazzi on the street. I've never been papsed because I'm not nearly important enough, but he's taking pictures of everybody, like walking.

And I'm like, oh, like, okay. And my wig had been sliding all day because, again, sweaty bitch. So that following all of that, I'm like trying to fix my state. And as we're walking, he's like about to take my picture. When I tell you, I ate shit so fucking hard that he literally was like, hmm, and like turn in like, just like, never mind. Fucking forget it. Like, she could not possibly be famous.

Not walking like that. I stood up. And my whole wig. was like right here on the back of my head and my sister was like, dude, fix your hair, fix your hair. Yeah. And so I pull it for it. I'm like, okay, that's awful.

That's so awful. I'm like trying to fix myself. I get in line. There's only one couple behind us. Love them. They're very sweet. It's actually Jasmine. I forget her last name.

Robbins. Do you know Jasmine Robbins? I think so. Yeah, she's love her to death, but she was walking behind me and her and her partner were, they're the only ones who saw me fall. And they were like,

it's totally fine. You look great. They're like, me up. I'm like, thanks, girl, love you. You need those people that they have at, like, the Olympics when someone, like, breaks a leg and they, like, come out with little screens and form a circle around them. You have to cover me. God. And then I literally was like, thanks.

And we get in line. And I, my, uh, friend was like, your leg is bleeding. Yeah, you're gushing. I looked literally all down. It looked like someone, like, took a machete to my kneecap. It's all down my leg. I didn't even realize I cut my toe too because it was like an open. toe shoe.

Uh-huh. So my pinky toe is like sliced to death and it's being squeezed by the shoe. So the whole front of my shoe soaked in blood. It looks like I literally got cut by a knife. And I'm like, oh, okay. So then I go to the security lady. I'm like, do you guys have like a band-aid? And I'm just going to go to the bathroom and clean it.

Uh-huh. She was like, you got that here? I was like, well, it was like right outside. She goes, call the medic. Call him. And she's like screaming. I would be on the ground being like, yeah, who's. I'm like, hey, girl,

do me a favor lower your voice immediately. You don't need to yell. That's totally fine. I don't need a medic. I just need a band-aid. Like, you know what? Fuck it. I'll just go to the bathroom and clean myself.

She's like, no, no, no, no. You have to stay right here. If you got hurt on the property, you're going to stay right here. She's screaming for the medic. They make me stand to the side. I'm standing there, humiliated, and humbled beyond belief.

And then the medic comes, brings a wheelchair, tells me to sit in it. No. I would have been a milked. that. Are you kidding me? At the Barbie premiere? We're getting Mattel money. I'm like

That's literally why they were like they wanted a detailed account of when I fell and how I fell and why I fell and everything and they made me sit in that chair so they could clean up my and I was like you know what this is my last straw. What if? What is this is actually going to be your 13th reason? I'm like this is actually going to be

the last movie I ever see. Thanks thanks for your help. Love you. Yeah. So I feel it. But what an endorsement of Barbie. Love the movie, though. Great movie. Definitely. Make this the last movie you ever see. This movie better be the best movie I've ever seen in my live.

I swear to God. I'm going to kill myself in front of Greta Gerwig. Yeah. In front of her. Forever changing the trajectory of her life. Forever. Okay. I know you touched on it earlier, but you are a very successful and amazing stand-up comedian.

So how long have you been doing this? Successful, sure. But, you know, amazing I'll take. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since 2016. So, yeah, I did those wine videos at BuzzFeed. And then when I left, I started doing stand-up. And that has been, yeah, for the last seven years, eight.

That's like one of the things that I genuinely believe I'm, like, so scared to ever try something like that. Because I have so much respect for the art form. It is scary. It's so intimidating to me. Yeah. I, yeah, you just drink a bottle of wine and then hope whatever you say. say is coherent. Right.

You don't accidentally get canceled. Yeah. No. Yeah, it is scary, but it's fun. It's fun when it goes well. And then when it doesn't, yeah, I question everything. Do you have any tips for any aspiring stand-up comedians? Best practices?

It's literally like you have to be psychotic. Because, like, you can tell the same exact jokes, repeat it, like, every day. multiple times a day and get wildly different reactions and it's like, you just feel like you're going crazy because it's so dependent on like the audience and like the vibe

and yeah. So you really, it's like don't take any one show to heart and like yeah, you just have to do it a bunch. Just like kind of get your reps in kind of thing. Yeah, that is very daunting to me because I've had obviously like I'm just a funny bitch on the internet but like some people have asked me if I ever wanted to try stand-up

which I love stand-up comedy so much. And I have friends who are famous, like, stand-up comedians too, which I, like, kind of pick their brains. But I just, I get so nervous about that. It is. I also am like, I'm not a proud bitch in that sense that, like, you can be funny. That doesn't always mean you can be a stand-up comedian by any stretch.

Like, I've talked about that, like, terrible men on the internet. Like, they make one fat joke about me, and they're like, should I quit my job? Yeah Call up the laugh factory I'm doing a tight vibe girl I'm getting started today You know what I mean Everybody thinks that they can do it

Until there's a microphone in front of them I'm telling you Yeah And then they just get up there and talk about Much they hate their wife Love that Yeah there's some famous comedians Who don't get up and talk about

How much they hate their wives I'm like dude Yeah and I'm like Do you only tour In the Bible bell or like what do you do Do you just tour that in all the red states Or how does that work I don't know.

Sometimes, yeah. I don't want to name names, but yeah, there has been some awkward moments where, like, someone will get up after I've been up. And, yeah, the audience is not. Wildly different reception to them. I did do a college show. I don't know who booked that show, but it was me and Christalia who could not be more different. Polar fucking opposites.

Yeah. They're like, just something for everyone, I guess. I mean, it was, it was just, yeah, nobody was there. It was, it was, we do not have the same demographic. Audiences like at all, yeah. It was also at like an aeronautical university. So everyone was like the biggest nerd you've ever met. Literally the college like coordinator came up to me beforehand and they were like,

these kids are like all virgins. They were like, they might not get everything that you say like just, and I was like, okay. It's like, all these guys are here are fucking nerds. But they were literally, it was like a school for rocket scientists. Like that was. And then there was a really big, it was in Florida and there was a really big bug on stage and that it was just, yeah.

That felt like a mad lids. The check cleared. That's all that matters. Really quickly, I'm going to read one of these because obviously we're talking to Matt, who's a successful comedian. I'm looking at the wrong camera at the status, a successful comedian. So we're going to be talking about like the rise. of homophobic misogynistic comedians on TikTok,

like I just said. Right. We're like, they literally are like, I'm going to email Lauren Michaels tonight. Which is so crazy to me because it's like, I feel like all of these white male like straight cis comedians, we're getting away with saying some of this shit for the longest time because there were

not cameras there. Exactly. And now it's like, or social media at all. Right. Yeah. Now you're really just posting this with your full chest. Yeah.

And then they're like, and I'm going to be famous. Right. They're not worried. Not even a little bit. Honestly, at some point, I'm like, those two brain cells are working for you. Right. Because they're like, I'm so awesome.

Like, it's just the delusion is so, so intense that I'm like, I can't even break you out of that. But there's not room for any other intelligence. It's really just the two ego cells. Yeah, it's like fat jokes, misogynistic jokes, homophobic jokes. Mm-hmm. He-he-he-he, he. You know what I mean?

Like a real like... And listen, have we all told the homophobic jokes? or two. Yeah. Depends on who it's coming from if I'm being honest. So, okay, this first video that we have, in this video, a male and female comedian are having a roast battle. The guy's roast is she has a manly face and shitty tits, but you can tell she's a woman because she sucks at comedy. Mm.

Roasted. Gotcha, bitch. You're ugly and not funny. Right. And you have shitty tits. I'm sure he also has giant tits. I don't even have a video of it, but. Shitty tits.

And what does that constitute? I guess it depends, huh? Yeah. I like how men say that as if they're picky when it comes to tits. You know what I mean? Right. It's the same kind of thing when they're like, oh, I hate when women have fake tits.

And I'm like, you're telling me if you had a big pair of fake tithes in your face. You're going to be like, hold on a second. Are those real? Yeah. No? Wrap it up. Get out of here. You disgust me.

Fucking liar. Okay, so these comments, this one says, woke female comics, less funny than must female comics? I'm assuming he meant most. Clearly, grammar is not going to focus on. Clearly, he's jacking off with one hand. You're not going to spell it right. Can't do both.

I see her source material is CNN. I'm like, uh, good, good, good. Ragging on CNN is the stupidest thing. Like, they literally are doing. whatever. They're like not on anybody's side. They're like reporting the news. Like they're supposed to.

Yeah. Okay. This one says these comments are so liberal. I'm surprised they aren't asking for someone to pay their college debt. Well, you don't need to worry about that because you won't get into college, so it's not a big deal. I mean, you don't need an application, you know, to work at five guys. I think you're okay. Yeah. I don't think Shake Shack requires so fucking.

I'm always shocked when I read comments. like that that are like, I cannot believe you're like saying this out loud for other people to read. This is not like, this is not your group chat. I know. Like I always think like objectively speaking, this is not funny. Like it's honestly violently unfunny. Right. When men try to make fun of me, it's just like nothing but fat and ugly. Right.

And I'm bored. Give me something else. Like some guy told me, he told me a very descriptive, it was like a fat, ugly girl like that's what he was you know you look like and I was like well you look like your neck looks stretched out like one of those rubber chickens so now what your turn you go first and then you go and then I go and then yeah we all had fun at the end of the day right right I feel like to some extent like even with me I like made a video recently because men are like they always try to like make fun me roast me whatever but I always tell them I'm

like if I'm being completely 100% honest like you guys can't keep up with me, like mentally. I lap you at least four times, and it's boring. Yeah. But all of that being said, I'm like, I just feel like it's so surface level. Right, right. You know what I mean? Like, you got to tell you, you got to tell me a joke that's really going to stick with me.

Right, exactly. Like, there is a 12-year-old girl on the internet who can cut me deeper than anything a man could say for sure. Oh, shit. I've gotten, like, backhanded compliments that are the meanest. things I've ever heard in my fucking life. Like, like, in my entire, like, I will never, ever forget that.

And she was being nice. Yeah. So, like, you intentionally trying to hurt my feelings, like, it just, it doesn't. I was a directioner and... Period. Me too. Yeah, love that for us.

Trust me. You're a hairy girl. Of course. Obviously. There is nothing that anybody could say that, like, a One Direction fan has not already cut me to the bone with. Girl, they are mean as hell.

Caspar the faggot ghost was my favorite. I was like, okay, work, actually. You said, damn, bitch, you kind of got me a little bit. I had a girl. I got interviewed by People magazine on a carpet, and I was wearing a see-through dress, and like my tities were out and up, you know what I'm saying? They looked great, in me opinion.

They interviewed me. The clip was maybe 15 seconds. There was a woman in the comments. There's only four. She's one of them, the other three are bots. and she's at least 60 years old. That's not a joke. I saw her picture.

I went and looked at her content. And she wrote, Are you serious? Look at those flapjacks. Referring to my tits for small? Right. Look at those flapjacks. Who dressed this girl?

Unbelievable. And I said, damn, bitch, like you kind of got me shit. I wouldn't look at what she looked like. I said, oh my God. I said, you kind of ate me up, girl. Yeah.

got me just a little bit. Right. Sometimes they're like, damn, girl. I was like, and the fact that she just did it and then like she doesn't follow people, like she doesn't give a fuck about,

like it's just drive by hate. Yeah. That's worse. Yeah. Far, far and away. I kind of love that for her though. Yeah. Like she can kind of say whatever she wants.

That's what I'm like, you know what? Real recognized real. Yeah. You literally got. I saw this tweet once where this girl, she like wrote something very profound about, like the Jonah Hill situation with his girlfriend, whatever.

And she was like, there's a larger conversation to be had about misogyny and weaponizing, therapizing language. She wrote something very profound and very smart and very nuanced. And that this guy was like, you would say that, you fucking fatherless bitch. Like, this is troll, dude.

And she responded to that tweet and I literally saved it to my phone because it made me laugh so hard to start crying. She wrote, shut the fuck up before I fuck your dad and give him a son he can actually be proud of. And I was like, The way I read that, I was like, I would kill myself if someone were let's who me.

I was like, honestly, I'm pissed off, I didn't think of it. Uh-huh. I said, that shit sucked with me and she wasn't talking to me. I'm my jaw is on the ground. Yeah. Shout out to you, girl. Some people are, some people are killing it. And she was a woman.

Yeah. The meanest bitch is alive. Mean people, gay people. Right. And teenage girls. There you go. The meanest people. No one can ever.

That's why their feelings don't get hurt. That's true. Right. I'm going through it already. It's easy to shake a man. Straight man. Someone called me a fruit cake recently and I was like, okay, we're going vintage with our slurs. Old school TBT.

Yeah, you really pulled that one out of the vault. That is really old. He's like, it made me chuckle. Yeah, like sometimes you guys stick with old reliables. Yeah. Like steady, consistent. Homophobic language. There you go.

Yeah. A slur is a slur at the end of the day. Yeah. my mom did recently ask me if gay marriage was legal and I so I was like some people are just really I was like you have you know you have a gay son right a little bit behind right it's just little bit legal for like a decade actually yeah just a little bit behind but other than that yeah okay just to round us out I guess what I will ask you is like when it comes to creating like

an act like an hour or even like a five or a ten what would you say you think is the most important thing when you're like trying to write a stand-up like bit or set or whatever

like what would you say is your best advice to like cultivate something that is true to them could be successful I feel like it's just like just start writing stuff like write more than you think

and then like cut back yeah that was always like when I worked out BuzzFeed even before I did video stuff with BuzzFeed I was just writing like listicles you know the cat cat videos and stuff like that and it was always like

yeah write 30 things and then then you compare it down to like the best five or 10 so it's always like do way more than you think and then cut it down to get to the good stuff. Yeah. Because that's always like, especially when you're thinking of like

really specific, like, I don't know, the worst things about being a New Yorker or something. Yeah. Like if you're going to write a list of 40 things, you know that the last like five things that you write are going to be the most specific. Yeah. Because you're like digging down deep. Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. Because, yeah.

So it's like get all the general stuff out of the way first and then get to the real specific stuff. Period. I don't know. That was a very selfish question of mine because I want to know so I can start practicing a little bit. I like make lists. Yeah.

And like, yeah. Make a long one and cut out the general stuff and get to the real specific stuff. Yeah, because I feel like even too with some of my comedian friends, like we've talked about how like a lot of comedy is derivative,

especially online. So it's hard to find like original sources. Right. Or original source material. So like, you know, sometimes things. stick in your brain and you're like, have I, did I hear that joke from somebody else or did I make that joke up?

Yeah. So, like, that's why I asked, like, to get started. Right. But that makes sense to, like, pick a topic and kind of, like, make a really, really long list of things that are fun about it. And I mean, obviously, like, stuff from your own life. Yeah. Yeah.

I would love that. Because nobody can copy that. Period. Period. You would be both. If so, if there was another version of me, like a clone of me, I hope that's the person who fell out the Barbie permit not me. Right.

I don't know her. I don't know her at all. You're the one who pushed her down, actually. Exactly. That was me. I hope you got that on camera, honestly. Not me falling. Okay.

So that's going to do it for our episode today. Mr. Matt Bellasai. Where can everybody find you? I also have a podcast. Period. It's called Disantel. It's about celebrity feuds. So we talk about like we dive,

deep and do a bunch of big celebrity rivalries. So we've done like black China and the Kardashians and Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks and Will Smith and Chris Rock. So that's on wherever get your podcasts and Wondery Plus. Love. Amazing. And then I'm on the internet. Yeah, just at Matt Belliside. I make TikTok sometimes, but they're nothing compared to yours.

I'm sure they're everything, to be honest. They're everything to me. I love you. Thank you. And I adore you. Thank you so much for coming on the episode today. And thank you all for watching us. For those of you that remember or maybe don't, new episodes of the comment section drop every Wednesday. And you can watch the video for free on Spotify where you can stream the audio anywhere you get your podcast. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode. Thank you to my amazing guest, Matt Belisai. Make sure y'all follow him and go see you and stand up. Do stand up. Make sure you listen to his podcast. All those things you guys know us do.

and thank you so much for joining us and I'll see you next week. Bye!