The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - RE-RELEASE: COMMENT SECTION: ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon | Episode 224

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

RE-RELEASE: It’s All-Stars week! In what some have already called the crossover episode of the century, Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon join Drew to claim their title as the Comment Section’s first returning guests. The trio talk about their high school proms gone wrong, bodyguarding, being mother-pilled, Caleb setting up a fortune teller booth at a house party, Drew’s driving incident, a cameo from Caleb’s mom to confirm lore about his childhood, and so much more.Subscribe to The Comment Section, now on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@thecommentsectionwithdrewFollow The Comment Section on IG: https://www.instagram.com/thecommentsection/Caleb IG: https://www.instagram.com/calebsaysthings/?hl=enBrittany IG: https://www.instagram.com/brittany_broski/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's like, Cooper, what clone do you wear? And he said, oh, I don't, it's just like, I don't know my mom gets it for me. And I go, I go, oh, yeah, but like what is? And he goes, he goes, I really don't know my mom gets it for me. Every time I get a chance being like, Cooper, do you even know, like what the bottle looks like? You know? But I'm trying to play it cool. And he's like, oh, yeah, I don't remember, man.

And like, literally, I'm being so persistent because I think I'm being cool, you know? And then finally I go, I need to know what clone you are. And you're gonna fuck you don't now. And he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? And I go, can I go? And I go, and I go, yeah. Welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your favorite. Everybody knows me.

Who gives a fuck about me? Today I have an unbelievably requested episode. And by request, I mean, like, from me only. It's Britney Rowski and Caleb Heron. Cheers. Hey, cheers for real. Cheers. Cheers to a damn good time.

Hey, can I make his host? I wish you was. Now, here's to the Knights we'll never remember. With the people will never forget. Cheers to y'all. Cheers to y'all. The big lipstick. Cunting.

I fear she cunted. Say the one you said before we started. It's time to cunt. Say the one you said before we started, Rennie. What did I say? Cunting. It was a JFK reference. Oh, I said she shot the mother bullet that killed John

have content. Tell what you wanted. My favorite movie. My favorite movie, Goodwill Cuntin. Goodwill Cunt. I just started changing the breakfast cunt. Anyways, welcome

back to the show. My very first repeats. Hey. Second time. So, and you know who we're missing? Leo Gonzalez. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Where are you, honey? He's banned from the building. We forgot about him. Yeah. I saw his picture up around the security booths. and they said, don't let this man in. Yeah, it said wanted shoplifter. Yeah.

He was stealing from the studio. I'm sure he was. I can't prove it, but. God bless his heart. I still told them to hang up the signs regardless. Ceptomaniate freak. Welcome back to the show. Brittany and Caleb are two of my most popular episodes to date.

Oh, my God. And have you given a royalty check? No, yeah. Yeah, I got home the other day. There was a Ferrari on the driveway. That's real sweet. Yeah. And then I sent Britney vibes.

no she did it to be mean because she knows my big ass can't fit in this car I said you can't I guess I'll drive it home oh my fuck I hate that well thanks for coming back y'all your jerseys are hanging in the rafters all stars it's a pleasure to be here I feel like I'm home again 4xel jersey hold on now not too much on the sizes not too much of the jerseys there you're getting a little too small to be talking like that you better put some back on before you implicate me in the 4X bid. Trust and trust and believe.

I know. I'm like that 4X, you want to check the tag on my underwear? Let's check it then. Get in there. See what you find. Don't mind. I'm like, I just pulled my fucking hands out. I'll show hole on this episode.

And? Are those cameras 4K? You aren't gonna like what you see. The light bars set up and everything. Softbox lighting. Oh my God, a beautiful hole shot from me at the end of the episode. Stay tuned. And then I'm gonna do a voiceover, like National

geographic. The predator moves in on his pride. It's Britney just moving towards me with a couple fingers. No, we got to cut that. Two in the pink, one in the stink. Now where is Caleb's pink? I only know about a stink. I don't have one, y'all. And it makes me feel like, I'm going to fucking cry. No, I'm going to fucking cry because I feel so out of place with y'all. Like, I'm literally like a man in the space. Giving Caleb gendered for you. Oh, shut up. I'm sure you have a pink somewhere. Yeah.

I'll get in there and all over. Everything down there is big. I'm willing to get my hands dirty. You put on gloves up to your elbows. Let me in there. I'm gonna pull my sleeves out. Why, yai a yada, let me have. Fis to cuffs.

Let's go. I would, I would fight y'all if I had the opportunity. I would lose. You think? I think Brinie would start laughing, to be honest. Yeah. Y'all would beat my ass to the the point where I would have to be permanently hospital.

She'd be like, ah, no. You would beat my ass. I've seen the videos of you in the gym, and I go, I'd lose. Yeah. Because I'm not strong, I'm just bit. Which is a strength. Yeah, the big as a strength. Yeah, the pen is your sword.

Oh, God. Yeah, that's true. Your wit. I think that's more than enough. Oh my God. Well, yeah, that brings me in my first point of the show. Thank you all so much for being on. I think y'all wanted, in the text messages,

you all said that you wanted to compliment me straight to camera, right? I think that was in the show notes. Was that, oh, I think we're the producers. Didn't we have in the show? No, no. Well, this is terribly humiliating, but go ahead. Okay. We wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.

No, I'll get through it. Obviously, everyone on this show knows that I'm the biggest fan ever of both Brittany and Caleb. I'd be doing PR for y'all. It's true. Technically speaking. It's true. For free. And we're actually running the book tour.

Yeah. It's like my invoices are unanswered as of right. now, but don't worry, I'll keep sending them. When your team texted Brittany and I on a group message and said, will you guys do security for Drew's book tour? I will say there was a moment of a side chat where we said, hold on, is that offensive?

Is that racially profiling? Racially or body profiling? Yeah, well, you're southern, big white people from the so you said, and Brittany and I said, you know what, that's our girl, let's do it? We'll do it. And we're going to do it. Well, and your resume was just that picture of you

in front of Aaron Carter. Is that who it was? You know about this, don't you? He bounced for Aaron Carter. I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter one night. Yeah. Is this like, there's... Ask any question you have.

Hello? If I can talk. Take your time. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, what the fuck now? Come back. Come back. Where'd you go?

There's my impression of Brittany just now. Is... A stroke, mid-sentence. Short-circuited. Jesus. What thought of you being a bodycard literally made her short-circuit for a second? Yeah.

Something's in this deep. me, gruel. Oh, we're drinking DP in the mugs. We're doing DP. Sorry, that's just the perp. Full sugar. Don't mind it. Don't mind this.

Have you seen that fucking tweet that's that white girl who tweeted and she said, lean is a drug? I do not. Whatever. Let's move on. Yeah, it was me. Okay, you bodyguarded for fucking Nick Cannon. I don't want to say.

Aaron Carter. Whatever. If I body guarded for Nick Canaan, I'd have a kid by now. At least two. I'd be pregnant. He would have found a way to impregate you for sure. That's true. I'm always trying to get somebody.

to impregnate me. I would love to carry. Well, what are you doing after this? Would you get me pregnant? If I could be a deadbeat mother. I don't see any other way. Oh, honey, I wouldn't have you involved in the kids' life. Are you kidding? That's valid.

Okay, what, tell me the story. I don't know this story. Well, I bought a daughter for Aaron Carter. It was one night. I was in college. And, you know, he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security detail. Crazy. For sure.

And the student act. Who's the biggest gayest guy we know? Yeah. They said, who's the biggest faggot in three square miles? They said, who do we have? That's with any place you go. That's going to be top spot. That's me.

I'm big dog. Hey, I'm king shit on Big Dick Mountain. Everywhere I go. Everywhere I go. And, yeah, so me and my buddy on the Student Activities Council, they said, well, he needs security. And I said, I'm on it. We walked her on campus all day with walkie talkies pretending to, like, you know, scout the place.

And then, yeah, I about you got her from all night. He kissed me on the forehead. It was beautiful. And you made passionate love in front of the audience. No, the audience did want to fuck him though. Isn't that funny? I mean, he really, because it was well past his time. Yeah.

But they really wanted to, the girls were doing a nostalgia horniness. They were into it. Which is such a powerful horniness. I feel that way about Jesse McCartney. Really? Will you all Jesse girls? Not really, no. Oh, beautiful soul?

Beautiful soul. I like the song or how about, but I speak Spanish, Japanese. The French. I can definitely make sense. Hey. A buddy A body language Come on

I know I was in it I loved you I know the music Because he had a lot Big Booty girls in that music video He did

And we were what Nine And I was like Oh I'm into it Okay Okay Okay Just McCarty with a little flavor

I think I know The moment That my grandma figured out I was gay Because I was at her house For Thanksgiving And I was like I was like

I want to show you A song That's really important To me And she was like Okay And I took her over To the desktop

Computer And I put on Beautiful Soul And I was seeing along And I was like I don't want another She's like She's like gay

I'm looking back around like I'm going to And Nana look I choreographed something To it as well I'm like You're body rolling You're doing a heels dance

I'm square dancing You have knee pads on Will de Bees What's a playground Hold on not too much on Will de Bees Dance play What's happened with Willebebees? I slide in the knee pads.

I pull a chain in my grandma's kitchen. So you get some shoe dazzle heels on. And she watched the whole thing and she went, that's nice. What is shoe dazzle heels? You don't remember shoe dazzle? Shoo dazzle was a shoe subscription circle.

What? And they were the world's ugliest shoes. I wore some to my sweet 16. And guess what you know about just fab? Yeah. Just Fab online? Of course I know. Some of the worst blisters you could ever think of

in your life. They're literally shoe subscription like websites. and they were the gaudiest, most like, Jersey Shore type heels. Is this an intergenerational gap that's happening here? How old are y'all? You're the same age as me, bitch.

I'm like, just that. I've never heard of these things in my life. And she's a fetus compared to us. Yeah. I am very, very young. Yeah. You're developmentally very far behind us. Yeah, I would say you are a lot further behind us.

I don't know. You advocate for yourself, though. When we all went to dinner the other night, you said, can we just pick a restaurant that has pictures on the menu? Because words are hard, and I don't want to do that. And I thought that was, I was like, stand up for yourself, girl. Advocate, no, but advocate for yourself.

That's important. What does advocate mean? Yeah. Did you spell it for me? Yeah, use it in a sentence. Dude, the first time we all got dinner together, I thought that it was funny because you text, you group text us. And then you were like, if you bitches don't answer me, I'm going to send a bomb to both

of your houses. So like a couple days had fastened either of us. I appreciate that. Me too. I need to be held at gunpoint. Me too. And it's such a, it's a quality about myself that I'm trying to work on of trying to be better about responding and not ghosting people because I do it to both of you.

And I will admit that. And Caleb's like, okay, well, let me know when you start working on. Let me know when you start that journey. Hey, when the program kicks off, give me a horror. Go ahead and hit me up, girl. I was going to say, you're good. Both of y'all are good about like. and I said, you'll double text me.

Oh, I'll triple quadruple text. Yeah. I'll literally, I'll literally at her in our group chat. You know, like, it tells you extra like, hey, bitch. Hello. Or sometimes she'll respond to memes on Instagram and I'm like, hey, go ahead and hop over to that group chat and answer the other fucking 30 questions I asked you. Oh, I'm glad you haven't fun on Instagram.

Let's pick up the phone and check out the text message. How about? I'm working on it, y'all. Well, as everybody here knows, I'm sure. The three of us have never been together on the same pod. before. So this is truly. Legally, we have not been allowed to.

Yeah, the restraining orders made that a little difficult. Yeah, the courts just lifted the embargo. And we were allowed into Brat Studios. And we're going stupid, going crazy. Yeah. Ooh, look, look. It's giving about it. Barnberry.

That is how it sounds when we all hang out. That is how it sounds when we all hang out. When we go to dinner. 100% gay nonsense. I feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us. I know when we went to dinner the first time, like a few months ago. Remember when we left, the hostess

was like, man, you guys were laughing all night. I was like, is that Darogato? Yeah, it felt like, she was like, you guys were laughing all night. It felt like it had a little bit of like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, she's like, yeah, go ahead and get the fuck out of here, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. At dinner, Dason said that was the first time the three of us ordered sodas. And she was like, oh, I'm good with water. And then Caleb was like, what do you think you're fucking better than us. And then she got a soda. Yeah, well.

Grow up and order the DP. And then she necked it before the rest of us. You're all, oh, didn't want a soda, huh? by the way. Didn't want one. Downed it like a cartoon character sucking on a cactus in the desert. Just fucking ate like chute up by with spinach.

Here's what I'll say about me bullying Jason into getting a soda. People were scared to say this, bullying works, bring it back. Bullying works, bring it back. What do you think got me this show in the first place? Period. Thank you.

Thanks guys. Now we get to terrorize people for a living. And I love that. Will you terrorize them by being annoying? Both of you. That's very true. Mine's being mean. I terrorize them live in person.

I say, buy a ticket. Come out. I'm going to be horrible to you. And they do. And they show up. It is truly at a Caleb show. It's like seals in an audience. That's how I feel in the audience.

He's like, you're ugly and you're fat. We went and watched Caleb because I did an opening five for Caleb's. Eight, eight, eight, eight. First I'm doing stand up. And Caleb trusted me to do it. it and I said, okay, well, I did bring a gun, so I hope that's cool with you. Someone's going out. I don't know if it's me or someone in the audience, but... Just in case it bombs, I have a plan B.

Just so everybody knows. I did not allow you to do a set on the show. I begged you for months to do a set anywhere. And then you came and did a phenomenal set. You were very good at it. Thank you very much. Did you have fun? I had honestly a blast. I was telling them, it felt like something completely different from like doing TikTok or whatever. Doing comedy online is very different. So the feeling was awesome. It's a rush. But I was nervous. But I was nervous as fuck. I'm never nervous for work stuff, but I was really nervous for that. Because you were a theater kid adjacent. Yeah. I did theater in school, but not a lot of it because I was an athlete too. It's that feeling of like being on a stage where you can't see the audience and it's

just the lights and it's like, okay, I hope I remember what I was going to do back down. And it's like also they're there to see you because they love you. Yeah. It's a pat on the back too. Yeah. Brittany remembers that feeling from when she was in high school and she played the grandma on the Adams family. Period true Period true And that is a truth of my At Keller High School I've seen pictures

I found pictures And did I win a Kelly Award Yes I did At Keller ISD in Texas She's like every time I was in theater They always made me like an old lady Or a man Yeah

I was like okay I did experiment with cross dressing At one point in my life Yeah for art Which is so beautiful And then I started doing it Behind closed doors Yeah

And that's drag And that's drag mom's drag This is like such a random story But when I was in fifth grade We did this project where you had to do like, it was like a human wax museum. So you had to pick someone that you admire in history. Do like a little paper on them. And then I'm back to school and you have to dress like them.

Write like a minute monologue and then like pretend you have a button and then someone would press it and then you have to recite the model. Who did you pick? No one ever guesses because it's just the most absurd pick in the world. Who did you pick? I picked King George the third. Which is the worst king in English monarch history, one of them. King girl, why?

I don't. I don't know. I don't know why I picked it. And I remember my, I was the only girl who cross-dressed. I was the only one who picked a man. And also I did not pick someone I admired person. I don't know why. Like my teacher literally called my mom.

It was like I feel like she should pick somebody else. Like let's look into him a little bit more. I feel like she should pick somebody else. She's steadfast in her decision. Yeah. My mom was like, well, does she really want to do it? And she was like, yeah. Like she told me I have all the material prepared because I did.

And she was like, then just let her do it. Who kiss the fuck? And I did. The judge was like, Hey, Noel, it's Miss Blake. Drew's being a little dyke with her. Jury's out on Dason, but it's not looking good over there. Oh, dude.

Sometimes I look back at my sister's crushes, I'm like, lesbian. Yeah. She's so gay, it's crazy. Yeah. Like some of the people she liked, I'm like, yeah, that, yeah. Like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, that was such a big, like, when someone was like, when someone was like Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement,

if it was a girl, I was like, you're gay. Sorry you're gay You know what was another one is I had some gay cousins Who had a similar thing Who loved Artie from Glee That's their fave That's their fave

And I was like Interesting Of all the men on that show That is interesting Hey no worries And all right We love you How ya are

How you are, no worries How you are God damn It's like that's okay Just not in front of me Yeah Whatever you do in the press privacy of your home.

And I remember I was King, yeah, I was King George III. Do you have a fact for us about King George III that you remember? The only one I really remember is that he was one of, if not the worst English monarch.

Like he tanked the economy. He, everybody hated him. He refused to die. And he like went, he went insane, like on the throne. He went insane and he refused to relinquish.

You said, I'm lucky fucking with it. I was like, and you know what? That's tea. Maybe he's on to something. We got motion twin. Perseverance. Yeah. He and I are not alike

Because I'll tell you As soon as the opportunity to die Presents itself I'm taking it I will not fight I'm jumping on it Oh yeah When you see people

People coming out of comas And they're like She's a fighter I'm not I'll go Go ahead let me go Yeah I've had a good time But I'm not begging

To stick around You know what I mean? You do strike me as like Gil from finding Nemo Just like just been through it The hot scarred one That's the That's the fish

That's the fish that people say They're attracted to I know that's fucking right I know that's fucking right. There you go. I wish I had a face scar. God, I would work that. Drew's going to eat that.

God, I would work with you. Y'all cut me. Y'all cut me on the show. I'm like, I don't need that. Comedically large sword. Sometimes I look at my past when I was like a child and I'm like, yeah, I needed attention bad.

This makes sense. You know what I mean? Yeah, I needed that. Anything to be different. Yeah, and literally anything at all. Did you guys like water? Did you guys have any memories like that when your kids? I'll tell you what.

I got one. Let's hear it. Every day for about two years, I refused to wear anything except for cowboy boots with a full Ken City Chiefs wind suit and a little cowboy hat. And here's what I would do to play. This was my play, okay? This was my play. I was like seven.

I would go out in the yard with a shovel and I would dig in a ditch for a couple hours. I would just dig around. I'd move dirt around. And I'd go inside all dirty and sweaty and my mom would be like, how is work today? Why are you cosplaying blue collar? Girl, girl, the way I would go in the house dirty. I'd be like, rolling up my sleeves, I'd be like, can I get some water? She'd be like, she'd be like, yeah, she'd be some water.

And my coworkers were all imaginary, named after country music stars. I'd be like, oh, me, Kenny, Chesney. By the way. Me, Kenny, Chesney, Tim McGraw. I said, me, Kenny and Tim got about as much done as we could out there today, but it was a hot one. And my mom'd be like, I know that's right. I'm dead ass serious.

What are you doing physical? Reba's going to ring my neck in the morning. I'm dead. So Reba's going to have my ass. I would go out there. I would go out there and dig ditches. And I would just dig all day long and I go inside. My mom, who's actually a single mom working multiple jobs, by the way, would have to like. I actually got enough going on. She would have to like play along to my little bits.

We're going to see if she answers me right now. I'm not going to tell me. Please. Oh my God. Answered on the first ring. Pathetic. Hey, mom. She said, I don't have a life.

Oh, girl. Okay. Hey, hey, you're on a podcast. So, um, my friend's Brittany and Drew are here. Do you want to say hi? Good. Hey, I wanted to ask you a quick question. You're on, you're on camera and audio. Well, you're on audio. When I was a kid, did I, did I dress up in cowboy boots in a full Chiefs win suit for like a year or two straight? Yeah. I had to basically wait for you to fall asleep and take it off. And what would he do in the wind suit when he was playing? Yeah, what would I do in the yard when I was playing with Kenny and Tim? Okay, not being very specific. Mom, the content's better if you say specific things. set a plate at the table for them? I would get...

Would I or would I not go out and, like, play in the dirt and pretend that we had worked like a long, hard day? What I say? All right, I love you, girl. You have a good one, okay? Love you. Bye. She's like, yeah, here I am fucking toiling over three jobs, by the way.

By the way, a nurse. And she has to heal me coming in being like, where's the water, bitch? God, and dinner's not ready? Yeah. On the table, bitch, you know. She was tickled pink by that. Did you hear her at the end? She loved that.

Yeah, she's down bad. She's down bad. She stands me hard. I like how you were cosplaying blue color work. Oh, couldn't help it. Because you knew you would never. No, I knew then. I was like, this is about as dirty as it's going to get for me.

Yeah, you're like, I'm all about the pageantry of hard work, but not the actual hard work. Stolen valor. Really stolen valor. Stolen valor. Stolen valor. Well, I'm looking at y'allels and they've never worked a day in their lives. Obviously. The three of us, we have a lot in common.

that's true. What was your first job? My very first job. Oh, my very first job. I think it was like legitimately when I got paid for was in college and I worked in like the athletics athletic department office.

I was like an assistant. At the University of Hawaii. Yeah, I was literally like an errand running whore. Like that's all I was really. I was printing papers and putting them and getting yelled at. Sweating in a two type polo. That actually seems to be a theme in all my job.

You were in those polo of it. Oh girl. You were in there for a little bit. One mono boob. You were keeping dick sporting goods alive. Yeah, alive and well, actually. Not dicks, please. Academy.

And you can guess I was a Baskin-Robbins employee. Thank you so much. By my thick knuckles from scooping. Your dirty, dirty palms. My calloused palms from scooping. How was that job? It was, I think every single person should have to work in the food industry. Yeah, I was a server in college once.

Yep. I think every single person should have to either prepare food for people or serve food to people because it teaches you a lot about humanity and it teaches you a lot about how unhygienic places are. I was 16, mind you. They let me open and close the store by my lonesome. At 16 years old? I'm taking money out of the register. I'm scooping, like digging my own spoon in there. Truly. Yeah, I'm double dipping. That's actually how COVID's turning. Yeah, well, in the daffery ice tub in the Bath & Robinson, South Lake Texas. I had grown men coming in every day being like, usual for me. This is my first day. King. You mean usual? Also, they're usual a large

preline milkshake. Yeah. Yeah. You know how large? This is how big a large is at Baskin Robbins dude. That is a large milkshade. It's like that Panda Express Cub, you know that shit. It's like 32 ounces. Period. Period. Period. A leader. Yelling at me when I'm like, sir, we ran out. Yeah. You were in here yesterday and the day before. And the truck comes once a week, honey.

You're like, that's 72 ounces of preline milkshake you consume, sir. Hey, baby, I'll talk to upper management, but for now, pick a different one. You know what I mean? Let me see what I can get going for you. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was the worst job I've literally ever had. Oh, I loved it. Did you?

Oh, my God, I worked in food service for four years. My first job ever, I decorated cakes at a Golden Corral. Period. No, I did not know Golden Corral had decorated cakes. You better fucking believe it. That's your culture. They had little carrots on every slice. Golden Corral?

That's where your people go to worship. Yo, you're absolutely right. It's the closest thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church. 100%. I loved waiting tables. I honestly miss it. I loved, I just loved it.

That makes sense. I was like, I was like, what is going on, y'all? What's my euphoria? I would go to a table and I'd be like, hey. Hey. Boy, am I good to see. I'm glad to see you. Oh my God, I'm good to see y'all.

Aren't you a sight for store eyes? I'm good to see y'all. I loved it. Every single table I was like, this is a new friend. I loved it so much. And when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more. Because that's what,

fellowship. Because I said, what's going to happen? I'm going to get it right, and you're going to be shocked. Oh, I loved it. It's community. Oh, yeah. It is. It's fellowship.

And last serving job, I worked in like a steakhouse in Hawaii. And I told the guy at front, I'm like, I can only work part time because I, like, had a full class load and another job. So I was like, this is like literally getting fucked up money. Like, this is the money. So my other money can go turns my bills. This is for me getting drunk. Period. Period.

And so I made good money, too, because it was like, high-end steakhouse. And I remember he was like, okay, two, three days a week. I'm like, cool. I start working. It's hard as fuck, mind you. Why? I had to come in three hours before my shift and set up like the salad bar and everything.

And I had to like, yeah, girl. I was our all goddamn day. You're harvesting the lettuce? I'm like, backing it in like in the back. Yeah. I literally remember my very first day. He was like, you need shorts and a t-shirt is what I wore. And then like he had to have white shoes.

And so the shorts, I thought he said, but it's supposed to be khaki. So I brought black, like black shorts to say the right length, whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I was like, it's okay. I'll buy another one after today. And then I'll wear him. He goes, well, you can't wear those on the floor.

Like, you have to be in uniform. And I'm like, well, I don't have any. He's like, don't worry. I have some. And you're probably wondering, didn't you say it was a man? Yeah, I did. And he went and got his backup cargo shorts, which turned out to be another man who served there.

They were his shorts. Why they were at the restaurant? I don't know. Not sisterhood of the traveling cargo. I'm like, these are the community cargoes. So he told me to put them on. Yeah. He told me to put them on.

He's like, you can't serve unless you put these on. I put them on. They're men's cargo shorts. I'm not a man, obviously. So they're like tight as fuck on my fupa and my fucking stomach. And then they're like literally skin tight

on the thighs. And then they bell bottom rain here. So I look like the world's worst safari park ranger. And I'm like, you got me looking fucked. And I literally have a big ass camel toe. And a wedgie. You got a moose knuckle too.

Yeah. All of a sudden, the moose knuckle comes with the cargoes, apparently. Oh, shit. And I was like, I can't wear these. Like, I was literally like in tears because I'm like, this is the fuggliest I've ever looked. And I told him, I'm like, can I please put on my other shorts? He was like, no.

So I served all night in those. And I know you did. And I had such bad chub rub. And my legs weren't even touching. They were literally, and that's from the shorts, literally just chafing away. Chafing away. And then I thought to myself, yeah, I'm not going to last year after that day. And I got fired.

Uh-oh. What? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hold on. Hold the phone. I only served there for probably like two-ish months. And then like one day I came in and he told me, oh, so I have shifts for you for a Christmas

break. And I'm not obviously, didn't live in Hawaii. Like I was going home. I was like, no, I told you I'm going home for the holidays. And he was like, well, if you want to move up in the restaurant industry, stop right there. I don't. Pause. Hey, I don't.

Like, you made me look like a safari worker on my first day. I don't want to work here forever. you out of your fucking mind. And so I was like, yeah, no, I told you I can only do part-time. I'm doing my three shifts a week. And he was like, oh, okay. Next time I came in to serve, he had me train somebody like a man. And he's like, oh, I need you to train this guy.

He's going to work the shifts that you don't pick up. I'm like, okay. Mind you, this guy, he's tweaking. Like the minute I meet him, he's like, you know what I'm saying? Josh Peck from that one episode of during your dog. Yeah, he's literally like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot. And I was like, okay. And he kept, he left, I'm not kidding, at least 20 times during the shift.

shift to go do meth in the bathroom. Like literally I can hear him. I followed him over there once to like listen and I heard it like, please go. Period. Period. Period. Stop.

No, for real, I was like, like, like, like, the start of a Lil Wayne song. No, that is crazy.

Blot blowing. Yeah. Literally. Work is hard. You should be allowed to do meth at work. That's real. Legalize it. After the shift,

My manager's like, oh, can I talk to you outside? I'm like, yeah, sure. And I figure it's about the guy. And I'm like, hey, he's doing meth. I don't think he's the guy. My gut tells me meth is a big no. He's not our guy. Yeah, I go out there.

I'm like, okay, I do have a lot of notes. And he goes, yeah, I'm moving you off your shifts and I'm putting you on call exclusively and you no longer work here. That's like literally what he told me. And I was like, type shit. I was like, oh, oh, okay, well, did you want to hear about the meth guy? No, okay. He said if I'm going down, everyone's going down with me.

Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, well, all right. And I just like went, got my shit and left. And then I called Jason and I was like, call here at the bus. I'm sitting at the bus stop across the street, by the way. So they're all watching me as I'm sitting there and tears in my eyes. And I'm calling my sister. And she's fucked up going home from a Demi Lovato concert. What's going on?

And then I was like, dude, I think it just got fucking fired. Like, I've literally like, tears. In the background, it's like, give you a heart and break. She's still there. She's in the bathroom at the stadium. Remember when she's saying heart attack at that cardiovascular event? What?

She went to some sort of cardiovascular or whatever event. She went to some sort of cardio-vascular or whatever event. She's saying heart attack. And then she couldn't believe people were mad. Mother bullet. Mother bullet. Mother attack.

I'm like, what the fuck were we even talking about? I was like, I was like, I remember when she sang that song Gabriel Vascula? Oh shit. Anyways, that's the story of how I got fired from my restaurant job.

One time when I worked at Golden Crowe, you could put in like time off request in this little system. Yeah. This mean old guy ran the restaurant named Kevin. Kevin, fuck you bitch. I know you're watching bitch.

Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the pod. Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got everything in the divorce. He was a huge comment section fan. He's watching, he's like, God damn it. He's in home with his mug. Like, catching stress.

Kevin, eat a million dicks you're your bitch. You know what you did, bitch. But I put it in a request saying I couldn't work, there's one Friday night I couldn't work, mind you, I'm 15. I'm working, I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays. How is it? The GC at 5.m.

Well, they have an omelette bar that I had to set up. See, I always have to set shit up. I had to get prepped for the omelette bar. I was fist deep in the basket robin's toilet cleaning that shit, cleaning all the vomit out of it. So I put in a request it was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. It's literally like,

fucking Hillary Duff and Cinderella vibes. I'm like, I'm like, Diner Girl. I'm like, it's homecoming. Fucking diner girl. Do you have a Chad Michael Murray that popped into the story? God, no.

Don't care. We'll talk about it off camera, but I was like, there's one Friday night I can't work, it's homecoming. Yeah. And I was like, so I can't work that night. I put in the request immediately get a phone call from Kevin. And he goes, hi, I don't know if you have ever had a job before.

Now, mind you, I am 15. So no, sir, I have not at your big ass age. Actually, I haven't. Oh, no, actually, it's my first one. I'm shocked you couldn't tell. And he goes, you don't tell your boss when you can and can't work. And I started crying, and I was like, I'm up for a homecoming kid. And did you win?

No. No, but I, yeah, it was a tough time in my life. That's fucking crazy. Like, you guys are the married couple. Oh, my shit. Where am I, age, I? Oh, my God. ever won homecoming king queen from queen i've won it all honey i've won it all that's going to be a

note for me i would vote for both of y'all for royalty oh thanks so sweet you know you're the homecoming queens in my life you want you something funny when i was in high school they had this rule that like because social media was like i guess like it was newish right it was emerging because i'm from colonial times so like you know i was on the covered wagon and instagram wasn't but you were in edwardian times King, when I was in her school, you had the printing press had just come out. Gutenberg was doing numbers. And I was, the motherfucker. I literally remember the ASB, like the head of ASB, like the teacher or whatever, she was a bitch.

But she literally would not let you campaign on social media. Like, you could not tweet about it. You couldn't post on Instagram. Like, you literally couldn't do that because she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have social media. Which I found to be bullshit personally. But I remember when I was, I think I'm. was a junior going to be a senior. So like Jason and Billy were both seniors at my high school at the time. I was like running for senior student council because I was trying to put it on my

resume. I was like, yeah. But I was kind of like, what's the least amount of responsibility. Okay, I'll run for treasure. Like, that's how I decided. So I was like, charge of the money. I was like, what's the least amount of responsibility? I was like, what's something I could get someone else to do for me? I still have the title. And so I literally was like, I'll do treasure. And so they have like different stages of running for it. So like the first one was like you just had to get on the ballot and then the second one, like them having fucking primaries.

And then the second was like the actual one. Yeah, you had to go to Iowa and caucus. Yeah, exactly. Everyone in the gymnasium went to a corner. Yeah, the NRA. Of course. I'm like, I did go to the NRA, but that was unrelated.

Yeah. The convention, but that was unrelated to my campaign. But anyways, it is relative to my politics though. And so then when I was three of us, I completely fucking forgot. Like I completely forgot that we were having the primary,

vote or whatever. So I just started telling people. I was like, hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today. And I was like up against, I think a cheerleader and one other kid that was like, he was a big ASB kid. And I was, only two of us could make it. And so I think that cheerleader was pretty confident she was going to be because she had all these fancy ass posters and everything everywhere. And I was like, I was just like word of mouth, be like, hey, if you're voting, make sure you vote for me. And so I just started doing that. But I didn't realize at the time that Dason and Billy were both telling people to go vote for me too. And like, obviously, you've seen Billy. He looked like that in high school. So yeah, a lot of people are going to listen to him.

It's actually not true. He looked like a Mexican Jonas brother. I've seen the photos. I don't care what he looked like. I've seen him now. And if he came up to me in high school and said, vote for this girl for a president. I'd be like, no worries. Actually, it's no worry. Yeah. Six to in high school. What the fuck is that? Yeah. No, I'm good. Anyways. See you bitch. And I remember he was helping campaign for me and I made it onto the ballot. And then the for real one started. And I remember he tweeted about me at the the like final thing and he was like hey everyone make sure you go vote for drew and then i literally called him and i was like delete that fucking tweet you're gonna get me fucking disqualified like i literally mad at him because he tweeted that shit when he was trying to ride for his woman oh yeah before i was

his woman that was when i was like you know what i mean i was in a real one of those phases with him yeah i was really annoyed with him all we've been through that many times yeah you with kaleb yes no god have we ever that's pretty pretty pretty privilege well this one this one my goofy all This, my crazy y'all This silly, silly one right here The way she finally bagged me Was, I had told her no For two years straight

I said, no, no, no, I said, get away, I'm not interested, I'm not interested And she She came up behind, I'm gonna cry Because this is so good She came up, I was getting in my car, I was in a parking garage I was getting in my car She came up behind me and put chloroform over my face It works, it works, and I passed out

And I came to In her house And she said, you're gonna be my man or else. And we have been together ever since. 13 years. And two beautiful children. That I do not care for. That is all. She doesn't. She really doesn't. She really doesn't. And I am just picking up the slack and I'm happy to do it. And we share a beautiful Toyota Camry. Serious question for both of you. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you when you were like in high school? Oh God. Something that like altered the trajectory of your path. Oh, I asked a young gentleman to

prom and he said no. What? Yeah. Yeah. In what way? Like he just went, no. In a way that was very visceral and, um, impassioned, you know? I was like, and I texted him.

I got his, that should have been my number one sign. This was not a young gentleman that I had his phone number previously. Okay. I got it from someone and I texted him and I was like, his name was Aj. Okay. He was a young Indian man. I loved him. I texted him and I said, Aj, you know, you and me have something special.

Uh, do you want to go to prom together? And he hit me back with a, uh, You know I don't look at you like that. No. No. A no would have been good. You could, I mean, just, uh, uh, uh, uh. A no would have been okay.

You said, you said, Audrey, I felt some between us. He said, time out, Shrek. Pause. Back to the swamp. No, he said, that's about to hurt my feeling. Yeah. He said, that's really mean. That's really mean.

That's really mean. That's mean. That's really fucked up that you would say that to me. Yeah, that was like truly like I cried that night and I was like, then I had to laugh. I was like, that's actually so mean, it's hilarious. Him being like, you know I don't see you like that. I did not.

I didn't know. I'm finding out right now, so no. This is news to me. That's probably going to be number one. That's going to be high up there. I, um, high school, boy, was really good for me. Nothing comes to mine. Yeah, I mean, I'm really like, sorry.

I want to have a sad story like yours, but, um, it was a pretty charmed life for me. Bewitched. I have, yeah. I have one from middle school though that comes to my mind constant. Like sometimes when I'm just walking down the street in the middle of a busy day, I'll go, oh, that happened. Brings you to your knees. I have one like that too from middle school.

I wanted to be more outgoing at school. That was something I was working on. Because at the time I was really, I wasn't ever shy, but I was like, I just wasn't, I hadn't figured myself out yet, you know? And it was like, probably eighth grade. And there was this student council meeting that was going on and all the cool kids were going to be in there. And it was in Miss Munsterman's class. Shout out Joy Munsterman.

I hope you're happy girl. I'm so sorry I'm not Christian anymore, but my love to you. And I am gay. And I am gay. And I don't think she would care about that. She's pretty cool. Period.

Well, I don't want to get into it. But she, it was a pajama day. Okay. And so I was wearing sleep pants like everyone was. And I pulled, I was like, oh, you don't be funny as if I pulled my sleep pants up real high. The classic bit.

And I was like weird and so I was like, so I was like, I was like, everyone will laugh at this. And so I walked into the room, my sleep pants pulled up all high and I was like, You don't doing that. And everyone did laugh, but everyone, and I, so since everyone laughed, I kept doing it the rest of the day. And finally, one of the cool kids, like, two hours later came over to me.

And he was like, he was like, hey, the bit you're doing with your pants, like I know people are laughing, but it's actually mean because we're getting like a really visible outline of your ball sack. And also your asshole. And like your pants are so high up that like your balls are on like crazy display. And also your dick print is like really pronounced and no one wants to tell you. It's actually really fucking gross. So go ahead and put that away from me. And I literally, he's telling me.

Back in the whole shirt. By the way, he's telling me this way in the hallway while the pants are up. And I'm just standing there receiving it. And he tells me all of it. He goes, he goes, I want to tell you. And I go, thank you, Cooper. I kind of, during the conversation, I just kind of scooted the pants down. And then I thought I could trust Cooper.

And then, there's more. So then two months later, well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good. And so I thought I could trust him. And so two months later, an assembly, I was sitting by him, I was like, okay, I know how I can be really popular is if I just figure out what Cologne Cooper wears. And he'll probably tell me because he was so cool to me about the pants. That's my boy. Like that's cool about the Natsack thing. That's fucking. It was so chill about my moose uncle. No, that's so chill about it. That's

fucking O'Hanna. That's fucking familiar right there. That's familial. That's gang. That's gang. That's fam. And so I said, Cooper, I said Cooper, I said Cooper, what clone do you wear and he said oh I don't it's just like I don't know my mom gets it for me and I go I go oh yeah but like what is and he goes he goes I really don't know my mom gets it for me and during this whole assembly I just keep every time I get a chance being like Cooper do you even know like what the bottle is like but I'm trying to play it cool so I'm like yeah I almost wonder what the shape the bottle and he's he's like oh yeah I don't remember man and like literally I'm being so persistent because I don't know I think I'm being cool you know and then finally I go I need to know what clone you are and you're gonna

fuck you tell me now and he goes he goes if I tell you will you just stop talking to me and I go and I go and I go yeah he did and it was lucky you it was lucky you clone and I that night when I got home I was like mom you have to get me lucky you cologne interrogating him no it really was like It was like scenic the way it played out. Like he would be talking to other people. He'd be like talking to the boys and like cutting up.

And then there was a moment of silence. I'd be like, anyway, Coop. You having to repeat because he can't, like, it gets a little loud. Cooper. Cooper. Cooper. No, like I was saying, speaking of smells. You guys are fucking, no, you guys are so funny.

Cooper, what color is the box it comes in? What places does your mom shop regularly? Which, like, department store would you say, like, if I'm getting, if I listed some, would you say hot or cold? Yeah, text your mom. Cooker, what are the top notes? Is it like a musk, amber? I'm gonna come over.

What if I come over after school, dude? You can show me what the bottle is. He's like, goddamn, man. Interpreting all of that as friendship. By the way, what I know now is he didn't want to tell me the clone because he didn't want to be clone brothers with me. He didn't want me running around smelling like him because that lowers his stock value.

That is real. He didn't want me on the rise. He was gay. He was the original gaykeeper. He said, you're fat, gay ass. It's not going to bring down my stock value. You smell like that fat gay kid. Smell like sleep pants.

That's my nickname. Why do you smell like ballsack sleep pants kid? He smelled like that kid that was hanging brain and homeroom. We're like, no, but for real, for real. For real, though. Like, let's get real. You can't give a mouse a cookie. He gave me one kindness.

He gave me one kindness. No, because you give a mouse cookie and he's going to Macy's after sweet. He said, hey, man, everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack, and I say, you're family. Your blood to me, pimp. He was home and talk shit. I have no way of knowing, because I never checked back in, but I could almost guarantee you he switched clones. Call Cooper the way you just called your mom.

Get coupon Skype? Fans listening at home, do the over-under on whether or not me and Cooper are still in touch. Everyone runs some bets. I'll let you know. up your pants for a bit. Just dancing around. I will say as a fellow fatty, previously, there was something very,

I call it the Chris Farley bit. It's funny of like, you know, you pull up your, tuck it under your boom. It's real truffle shuffle. Yes. Yeah. I mean, it's the classic like Chippendale's Chris Farley skid of like they just love to see that sort of,

it'll kill every time until it doesn't. Oh yeah. Until Coup has to get real with you in the hallway. Yeah. That it's not that great anymore. Until he does a one-on-one in the hall. He's like, hey, can I talk to you outside for a side? Performance review.

Yeah, until I've got coop up against a wall with a knife to his neck, asking him what the fucking clone is. What's the cologne, brother? No, seriously. Hey, you're cool, but I fucking had it with the game. He said, will you leave me alone? And you said, yeah. Because I had a, I said, I know how I'm getting ahead.

Give me the formulae. In high school, what were you in? Student council and what else? Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty much figured out how to be what people wanted me to be. So things were going better. I wasn't having any Cooper interactions anymore. Oh, this was middle school. This is middle school. So I leveled it out by high school. High school was pretty fine.

I was in everything. I was in like FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council. You were not an FFA? Maybe I was creed speaking, soil steam and cattle team. I judge cattle in high school. We've talked about this actually. I didn't know this guy. Did you really? Oh, I judge cattle in high school. Yes, I did. He's a real agrarian. It sounds like it.

Yeah. I joined because they had a public speaking, they had Creed speaking, and I wanted to do, I was like, I was like, watch me body the fuck out of that. Creed, you're just singing, can you take me higher? Creed the smell.

Can you take me here? No, but I wanted to do the creed speaking, but you had to be on three teams. That was the rule. And so they put me on Soils team, which I was pretty promptly kicked off of. I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt. And every time I was like, oh.

What, but you were so familiar with it as a child, apparently. Blue collar. Those are blue collar, though. You guys aren't keeping up with my water. You might as well be speaking Mandarin. to me because this shit is too white for me. I don't know what any of that means. That's like redneck shit. It's real like southern shit. Yeah.

And it's like at your high school? Yeah. That's crazy. Y'all tread lightly, but yes. We had FFA and it was I mean we never saw them. It was like they went to a different school. They're in the act building, yes. They're in the act building and the portables. Do you have portables? Yes. Yeah. They said get them the fuck out of here. They smell like swine.

Yeah. We had our prom in a hog sale building. We had our prom in a hog sale building. We had our prom in a hog barn. And they were like, don't worry, they're gonna sweep it out. And I was like, they're gonna sweep it out. Well, thank God, I was worried about them not sweeping it out. I was like, there's hog shit in the construction of the place. It's in the essence of the building.

And you know what? Asbestos and hog shit. And on my face, it was a beautiful dance. My junior year of prom, that's when I said no to Billy, but I went with a Mormon dude and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life. Could you describe the ambience, what music was playing?

Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown? Oh, yeah, no, I had a full length, like, sleeveless, lots of tool on the bottom. It was like an aqua turquoisey blue. You curved Billy for a Mormon. Yeah, fuck me, honestly. Billy, call me, brother. You've been put through too much by this woman. It's funny, too, because he actually texts Dason and was like, hey, do you think Drew would go to prom with me?

And he's like, and he said, please don't tell her. And then she goes, oh, my God, dude, guess who just text me? tells me immediately, like, minutes after. And then I was like, I can't because, like, at the time, there was drama at the time, but he had broken up with a girl who was friends with me, and I was like, I just didn't want the drums. Yeah. And so I was trying to be a good friend. Girls girl.

Yeah. From the beginning, mind you. Always. And then I was like, I can't do that. Even though they had been broken up for like two years, I was just like, she's my friend. And I think, you know, whatever. And so that was a big L on my part, to be honest. Because she literally said, she said no.

That's what she texted him. Queen. She said no. He said it's actually no worries. And then he ended up going with somebody else. And then I went with the Mormon and I had the worst night of my life. So the eggs on my face, honestly. Yeah. Can't win them all. The Mormon part of him was honestly the least of his worries. Like he was just the most off-putting person I've ever met in my entire fucking life. And I say this to this day. If I ever meet him, I'm putting on his back, bitch, and not in a good way. Not in the one he wants. No, I'm beating the shit out of him is what I'm saying. TKO. He's the fucking worst. It's funny too because when we first met because we barely knew each other too

on top of that. So when we met and we were talking he's like, what's your type? And I'm like, oh, like someone nice and funny. Like say something real general. I'm like, what about you? He goes, I like short white girls with glasses.

Now, I don't know if you know anything about what I look like. Caleb. Cooper, probably. And I was like. I like short white girls with glasses. No game at all. Oh, I like short white girls with glasses.

No game at all. Oh, I like short white girls with glasses. And that was the girlfriend he had, right? And he broke up with her to go to prom with me. And then after he went to prom with me, he went and got back with her. A man that lied to himself. You don't even have glasses. Yeah, no shit, girl.

I actually do wear glasses too, because I'm blind as fuck. But like, I purposely didn't wear them because I didn't want him to think that I was wearing them for him. So I was just blind all weekend. I was like, like, we just fucking Daphne's head ass like walking around. His version of this story is, yeah, I tried to take this girl on a date and she fucking couldn't see. It was so weird. She was like, I was having her ass. helping her across the street.

She asked for the menu in braille. And then she kept pulling up her pajama pants and dancing around like it was a bit. She had balls? I don't know. All of a sudden I saw an imprint. I don't know. It was a whole thing. I don't know.

It was weird. It was a problem. And it's funny because he brought a friend from my sister. And he was like, oh, I'm going to bring one of the two guys that I had already met. Are you talking about senior year? This was my junior year, her senior year. And you took him. Yeah, I took him.

Oh, okay, got it. But he was like, I'll bring a friend. and then we can go like with your sister. I'm like, okay, cool. And the two guys that he had with him that I had already met were like, this guy was like half some, he was someone too, the guy that I went with. The other two guys, one of them was like Hawaiian. One was like Tongan.

They were both good looking dudes. All three of them were really good looking. And so I was like, okay, yeah, either one, sure, whichever one is available. And he's like, okay, he picks one. He's like, I'm bringing him. Can't come. Then the other guy, he's like, I'm going to bring him, he can't come. He's like, don't worry, I have another friend, but won't send me a picture.

I'm like, oh, I'm like, I need. He says, well, can you send me a picture? He goes, well, I'll look for one. And then when they're on the way to, like, our house. It's hard to get a picture of him because he maintains a bell tower in Notre Dame. He's really booked, honestly. He's busy as hell. He's busy as hell.

He's up there. He's actually guarding the gates of Tartarus. So he's a little, he's a little busy. He's a little busy. Girl, he shows up. I'm not kidding. He looked 40. Like, he was bald, white guy.

But he looks. He was in high school? Yeah, girl. And he looked at him. He left. And then literally Jason ghost food he went to the phone.

First of all, ditches him the whole night. But then she goes like, yeah, he fucking brought a substitute teacher for me. And like, he goes on a turtle.

That shit is so real, dude. She's like, oh yeah, I'm a lesbian. Like, it's just the way that she was like, oh, yeah,

I'm gay. Wait, that is disrespectful. This will never happen to me again. You guys are never doing this shit to me again. But I'll say the worst part of the whole night.

Well, my dance was like, I don't know, like Southern California dance. Maybe it's just exclusive to my high school. But like the way that they dance is crazy. Like this is the year where like, don't drop that tantara came out. A ladies, right? Hey, TBT. All of that. And so, you know, people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird.

I knew he was Mormon. He had told me every dance he had been to. They had a live band. So I'm assuming they didn't play that shit over in St. George, Utah. So I literally told him, I'm like, like, sweet Caroline acoustic version. Enough. Not to be Carolina.

Real. It's like that proud to be an American song. That fuck. That's my song. Light on that. Light on that. I didn't know we were talking politics. And I'm proud to be an American.

Where at least not. I'm proudly staying. Up. That song fucks, dude. Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous, bitch. And like I told, I warned him. I said, hey, my school doesn't get down like that. So like, just be prepared.

what you see when you go in there. I don't want you to freak out. When he sees people grinding, he's literally like, like, we're in a haunted house. But then he kind of like calms down a little bit. So I'm like, hey, do you want to dance? And he's like, we are dancing,

but we're like standing next to each other. I'm like, no, like, do you want to dance together? Like it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever. And he was like, no. Like this instantly disgusted with me. And then he goes, that goes against God. That's what he said to me. And I was like, mind you, it's a Saturday.

So then I go, well, I mean, you could ask for forgiveness tomorrow. I'm thinking it's funny. Right. And then he goes, that's not funny. And then he walks away from me. Oh, no. No, that's not.

Well, I was like, well, that's what I was saying. I just immediately go, Dase, why would you say that? That's fucked up. Jesus, that's really vicking me. Seriously, you know he's a Mormon. So then that made it awkward for a little. And then once he kind of comes back around again, he stops being weird and then ish.

And then we're outside. He's kind of vibing a little bit. he's like being a little nicer like a little more touchy whatever the fuck to me i'm like okay maybe he's calming the fuck down and then uh his buddy you know the substitute teacher he was like hey you should show them your your favorite dance move right and he goes oh yeah i have the best dance move ever stands up i'm not kidding he's like well it's two parts right the first part you're unscrewing a light bulb right Mormon and he's like the second the other hand you use and you pretend that you're shoving a dildo up your ass.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. This is the same man who told me I was a fucking horror for wanting to dance with him. And then he starts pretending. I'm not kidding. He's literally doing this

and he's like shoving the dildo up his butt metaphorically of course. The greatest freak out ever. Direct TV remote. Up the ass, girl. And he's literally going like this and he's like shoving and he's like laughing.

And the way, got to roll shocking. The way me and Jason are like, oh, like we're watching and we're like, and then I, I'm not kidding. Jason was like, no whole time. And then I go, I have to go to the bathroom. And I went to the bathroom, Jason followed me and I was crying. I was like, I fucking hate him, dude. I hate him.

He's the war. I look so good. I'm like screaming. He can probably hear me, by the way. Meanwhile, I'll cut you in the rafters. Billy's up there just. He's like, get what you pay for, bitch. He gives him $100, he's like, did you show her the dildo part?

You did the dildo dance, okay, make sure she'll love it. You should do it. He's, he's thumbing off hundreds. He's like, you could have gone farther with the dildo thing, but it was good stuff. He leaned a little too heavy into the light bulb and not enough until the dildo vote. The light bulb was such a classic Christian, like wholesome.

Like he, the mixture of those two, he was like, yeah, so basically you have a shopping cart with one hand and you're shopping, pick and pick us out, and they're getting sloppy from a bad thing. What the fuck? Just like, what? The fucking hard left. Like, I was like,

then I become religious. He's doing the dog thing. He's like, who's Mormon now, bitch? He's like, you want to ask for forgiveness for this? Yeah, that's what I thought. The way it was so like cash to them, I was like, yeah. Horror.

It's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize. No, girl, the homoerobro. is just out of control. No one loves men more than men, seriously. It's like primates, girl. It is. They're like, shoving, and then they're going, it's like you're picking bugs with one hand,

and then you're shoving a dildo up your butt with the other. And then he literally said dildo, and I'm like, you said freaking and grinding was against God, but you know what a dildo is. Nasty work. You won't hit the dougie with me on the door floor, but we're doing light. The cat daddy's too far, but you're doing like,

too far, but shoving a fake penis of your butt is not. The Cupid shuffle is of the devil. Dildo up the ass. Well, that's different because it's a joke. A Dildo just crashed into the pentagon. A Dildo just hit the cock and gone. Shit, that's funny. Like, I feel like the embarrassment kind of stopped in high school.

Like, college, I was like, I'm actually the coolest. Yeah, same. Like, I really came into my own in college. Yeah, same. What about you, Caleb? Yeah. You're all kind of been that girl. So there's the Cooper situation in this.

And then high school I was just like a total, like high school I was just like uptight. I think my, actually, you know what? I did a show in D.C. last, like two weeks ago. And a very good friend of mine from high school came up to me. I do a whole story about how uptight I was as a teenager. And how I thought I was a little,

I think, I looked back down and I go, that kid's a loser. Like if I had a kid in the way I acted in high school, I'd be like, God, fucking shut up, you know? We need to get him some pussy. Yeah, God, get this kid late so he'll shut the fuck up. He's 16. I was getting pussy. And, um.

Believe it. I just didn't want it. It was light work, yeah. It was giving me the hebie-jeebies, but I was in there. Yep, yep, yep, yep, I was in there. And my friend was like, I think you're, I don't think you're very, I don't, I liked who you were in high school. I don't think you're being very nice to that person. And I'm like, I don't know, I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

Yeah. I think we both need to be more honest with ourselves. Yeah. Cool came like in my 20s. I got cool. I feel that. I think the shift, though, was, I don't know if either of us, if any of us have talked about this, the shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, I think I was always,

when I was younger, I was always waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me. Like what interest or what clothes or what group of friends would make me cool? Totally. And the shift in my 20s, my early 20s that made me actually feel cool was going, nothing brings me coolness, I bring coolness to everything else.

Period. What I like, the people I hang out with, what I wear, what I listen to, it's cool because I'm there. Period. I'm not cool because it's here. Yeah, like the confidence is what speaks louder than anything. So, like, you could like or hate anything and you could still make friends who like or love the same things.

Yeah. But it's just like you being confident in who you are. If you don't like it, fuck you, what I like is cool. And so you're not cool if you don't like it. And that shift was like really, it was yeah, not just looking for someone to be like, I wanted people to tell me that was cool. And then when you just go, oh, I don't care about that.

As soon as you stop caring, it's like, it just flocks to you almost, like friends and community and all that. I think it's also like, what does cool mean? Like I would much rather have a genuine time where I'm peeing my pants with people that like aren't cool. I mean, you know, by whatever I imagine. It doesn't.

You guys make me off so hard, but you guys are not. It's not cool. Fucking weirdo losers. Yeah. At least we smell good though. At least we smell good. You know that bad gay kid. Kind of.

God, I hate it. Shit. He smells just like you now. Can't wear it anymore. When I got to college, I found like my like bestie besties. Like my like the people I'm still friends with to this day. And I was just telling Billy this the other day. I'm like, I realized.

to, especially in writing my book, I realized that like, when I... Such a sleight thing to say. Period. And when I was publishing my book, I was writing my very first book that will be published, it is published now. You just threw that away, like, a Truman Capote interview. I love, that's my favorite thing about

an old Truman Capote interview, he'd be like, I was at dinner with, um, oh, I think it was Marilyn Monroe. He just fucking tosses it away, like it's nothing. When I was writing, yeah, when I was writing my first book, I love it. It's so good. As I was like writing like unpacking a lot of stuff I did in college.

I was like I realized that my best friends at the time, all women, right? I had a couple guy friends that I was really close to too, but like I had never met a group of women before outside of my own family, like my mom and sister that were so confident in who they were in all aspects, like being smart, being funny, being like, I don't know, like confident about what they looked like and also who they were as people, but also women who were so confident in their sexual autonomy. Like I had never had friends like that before Like women who were so like

Yeah I fucked him and it sucked I sucked. Uh, don't do that. It was so cash to them Then I was like period Because I'd never hung out with women Who were so cash about stuff like It was always so like oh like dating like You know when you're in high school

It's like the way it's perceived is so different And the religious lens as well Totally It's just like it's so much more serious Yeah You know And they were so cashed about everything And like

So a couple of my friends were raised religious And weren't at all And one of my friends like To this day like she the first time I met her like we were talking about dating or whatever she was like oh I was a big whore in high school I fucked everybody and I was like oh did you she's like yeah men women everyone what's your friend petris she's my friend now she's like yeah everyone uh but yeah she was just so like what else about it period period bitch that's my fucking girl I love that she's so my friend to this day oh I love that I love when we become like real adults and then they're like I I don't remember saying that. I do.

I remember. I remember you saying that. Verbatim. Changed me as a woman. I remember. I remember. Everything. I'm here.

I'm in it. Dating in college was a mess. You have the memory of an elephant. I do. I remember everything. We would go out and get fucked up. Like I was the only one that would remember every single thing. You're scanning it like a matrix?

Yeah, the next morning. I'm downloading all the information. The next morning they'd be like, well, everyone, like, let's get together. Like, someone wake you up so we can remember what happened. Because a lot of my friends would black out. I never blacked out. I think I've liked that once. One time.

It was the very last time, like one of the last times I drank tequila because I like couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. The way you used to drink in high school? Can't do it now. I did not drink in high school. Or not high school, sorry, college. College. I couldn't do it.

Every time I'm like, I'll tell Drew a story and then I'll, I'll like, because it'll be fresh in my mind and I'll say it. And then it'll be like a month ago by. And she's like, remember when you said this? And I'm like, remember when you said this? And I'm like, oh wait. Yeah, you do. And then I'll paraphrase it.

She's like, no, you said this. And I'm like, probably that's what happened. That's why I remembered everything that happened when we met Beyonce. Oh, thank God for you. I black out a lot. It sucks. It really does suck. Because of liquor and not liquor.

And not, and just adrenaline, I guess. The testosterone pumping through my fucking body. You know what I mean? Did you have a fun time partying in college, Caleb? No, I d-d. Did you really? Yeah, I was a D-D for my fraternity. Losing.

You were in a fraternity? Yeah, all four years. What? Really? Yeah, you know. That's shocking to me. I thought I was gonna go to law school. My whole plan going in college was to go to law school.

I had that sort of mental breakdown as well. Oh yeah, and it was a long one. I went, that was all of high school and first year or two of college. Do you do mock trial? We didn't have it. Fuck. Do you do model you in?

We didn't have it. Baby, I didn't go to a good school. I think that's part missing. You were working the field, bitch. Why do you guys in FFA? They had me judging cattle, bitch. You were not arguing the defense. Yeah, honey, we didn't have speech and debate.

I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie you. its feet together. Type beat. Type shit. You were shearing. Yeah. Shearing animals.

Literally. I was picking up dirt and going good for corn. Crazy. Crazy. I went to that for like a year and they're like, get your gay ass out of the

harvest will be good this year. Shut the fuck up. Shut your bitch ass. Yeah. I was not a big party or in college. No. I was dating in college

for both of you. I didn't date in college. No one wanted me. I fucked. I was fucking in college. No one wanted to date me. I remember texting one of my hookups who I was so in love with and I was like,

do you wanna get breakfast in the morning? And he was like, busy. Oh, need him medically. It always made it worse. I was like, he's rejecting me, I think he's the one. I just need to try a little horror. Oh, I was fucking a lot of guys in college who, if they were saw with me, if they were seen with me in daylight,

we would both evaporate. It was like, yeah. That was having a lot of hookups where it was like, you know, I would see him on campus and be like, oh, what's up? And he'd be like, you know. Yeah. It was not good.

Are you lost? That guy's talking to you, by the way. Yeah. I think he's trying to get home. Hey, you smell like that fat gay guy. You smell like each other. It's Cooper. Coop?

Good to see you, brother. Hey, baby. Once I was kind of dating this guy and I, he told me to meet him at the club, romantic. And so, like, oh. And you know, you're doing that, that broke bitch shit where you're like, God, I'm so thirsty. God, I wish I had a drink. God, so thirsty.

it's so hot in here. And then normally it works. But then when he's like, I'm not buying drinks here, they're too fucking expensive. Right. And then I was like, okay, brokey, even though I had no money. Then I like go up and I buy myself the one drink I can afford. Ice in a cup. Yeah, I was like, can't just put maraschino cherries in a cup and pretend?

Soda water. Don't charge me. Yep. So I got one drink and then I turned around and I'm going back to my friends and he goes, hey, do you want to hook me up? And I was like, with what? And he brought his own red solo cup into the club. He had it crushed in the waistman of his pants,

took it out, punched it out like that. And then, hey, I'm not kidding. And men wonder why they don't deserve rights. Oh, my God. They wonder why I fucking hate them. Going splits bill on one vodka crayon. I hate when you tell that story about Billy because he has turned out,

he's turned out to be such a great. And that's what I get for saying no to him at prom. Yeah. Yeah. I have never seen broker shit in my fucking life. I was like, are you being dead ass? Like, you want me to, you want me to split, my drink in that dirty solo cup.

You want me to smoke you out with this vodka soda? For real, fuck. It's got gooch stench in it because it was in the fucking waistline of his pants. There's like a little crack in the side of it because he folded it up to put it in. So he's gotta hold it with a finger right on the track. He's gotta plug it.

Plug the hole. Got the thumb running up the side holding the crack. I was just thinking last night, I went on a date last night and I had such a good time and I was thinking, why didn't I date more in my early 20s? Because I was in Chicago. I was like, I was like, oh, you were fucking broke, bitch. I had no.

no money at all. That's expensive. I was overdrafting my bank account on like ramen noodles. You didn't go on dates because you were broke, honey. Right after college? That's, that's real. All throughout college,

I was fucking broke. Like, even when I had jobs, I still felt like I was broke because I was like barely making rent and all that. I had a coming to God moment after college where I was more broke than I'd ever been because in college, honey, I was maxing those loans. I was loan maxing.

I was whatever they would give me. Papsa maxing. I'm phasmatic. I would literally, I would say, throw an extra $5,000 on there. I'll be, I'll be wanting to go out to eat.

I was just put on, when those, when those, don't worry, I'm good for it. Oh, baby. And I'm not, having paid them back to this day.

I'm refusing. Default. I know they're going to get paid off the week after I pay them on. 100%. I'm not doing it. Me holding out. I'm holding out.

Joseph Robinette Biden, I know you watch bits. Forgive them. Joey B. Joey B. Hook me up. Yeah, I can't. But I was so broke.

And then, yeah, after college, I was more broke than then because there were no more student loans coming in. Yeah. You know what I do miss about college bars because it felt expensive, but going, oh my God, if I, we could go back. Yeah. Like a vodka crambing $4. Girl. I know. I know.

I'm like, and close it and close it. And close it. And close it. Close the tap. Close it. Is there a water fountain around here? Yeah. I'll just drink from the fucking faucet in the bathroom.

That's why you get fucked up before you go. Yep. Get one drink. sip and nurse the whole night. Ever clear, Gatorade. Dude, the very first drink I ever got fucked up off was gin, but we didn't know what to mix it with. So we tried to mix it with orange juice.

Hey, don't. That's horrible. And I, why gin? I'm like a 90-I'm in madmen. Like, why am I? John Hamm. Spherical ice cubes. It's just one.

It's in my office. It's 2 p.m. on a Monday. Okay. That's why. Gin was the first time I ever got fucked up. We had a bar in college station. called tipsy turtle. And we used to do pickle shots.

And you could do a normal pickle shot or a spicy one where they would do pickle juice, vodka, and then a shot of Tabasco in it. I would suck their bitches down like it was water. I mean like six, seven, eight, tequila shots. Yes. And then there was this other bar that would do. And again, this is like so not what a college student should be doing. Like drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance.

Yeah, literally. It was called a breakfast shot. Get into this. You start with, that's gonna be a orange juice shot. Okay, it's like vodka and orange juice, mimosa. Yeah. And then you move on to a butterscotch pancake shot, which is just, I don't know, it was like.

This is that night? This is at night. It's like a maple flavored liquor you take a shot of that and then they give you a piece of bacon. You know what. And they throw it into your own. Yeah, then they make it for it. I might need to get down to Texas. I'm telling you, bitch breakfast shot,

and that shit was like $8. Dude. So our big move in high school was the, And I wasn't a huge drinker in high school, but I was definitely trying to, like, fit in. We would go get, like, ocean waters from Sonic. Yep, y'all. And we'd pour half into an empty cup,

and then we were pouring in a bunch of UV blue vodka or, like, Malibu. Yeah. Malibu's real. Malibu's. Chernobyl in those fucking cups. Yep. Yep. So once I'm glowing.

Like, my junior or senior year of high school, I will try to tell this story short because it's a little long. My junior year of high school, or could have been senior year, my friend, my friend of mine to this day, her dad moved, he lived like 20 miles outside of our town, and he moved to a new house so his house was empty for a while. It was a big, huge, like, three-story house

in the country. And we knew a bunch of kids from the other towns around where I grew up in very rural Missouri. And she was like, I'm gonna throw a party. And we were like, okay, so she threw, we invited, like, all the kids from the other towns and everyone converged on this house.

Me picturing, like, footloose. We can dance here, Pa. They're dressed like it's from the 50s. Yeah, that's your Kevin Bacon. Yo, last night was a fucking sock haul So we threw this big party And it was a smash hit Next day everyone's texting wins the next one

Right, period. Now Project X had come out around this time Oh period. So we're like, okay, so we throw another one The next weekend. Even bigger, smash hit. Everyone's having fun hooking up. Not me.

Not me, I can't stress that enough on me. Everyone's having fun, hooking up. I'm in the closet, so I'm doing bits on the corner. Literally at one point I was... I'll pull my pajama pants up again. Truly. All my friends are like making out with hot guys and at one point I set up a fortune-telling booth.

And I was like, come over if y'all want your fortunes, Red. Tom Hanks and Big. Why are you doing fortunes? Truly, like, so pathetic. You're reading palms just to touch a man. I was like, I'll read your palm. I was like, give it to me, you know, give me a hand. Rock art under the table.

Truly, I'm like walking around asking if people need refills. I'm like, who is that guy? Which I still do at parties. Did that to all of you the other night? You do. At my party. A host till you die. A host still I die.

And so we had the second one, and then we did a big mistake, and we went for a third on the third weekend. Damn. Should acquit while you're head. We should acquit what we were ahead, honey, and we sure did not. And it was bigger than ever. And I'm talking like, we said get there at nine. We showed up at 845. There were already other cars there.

So we're like, this is bad. It was the biggest one we had thrown. And we, everybody's getting super drunk. I was getting super drunk that night because there was one guy in my high school that I was convinced was closeted. And I was like, tonight I'm bagging him. And I eventually, well, anyway. Just to say, eventually.

I'm always right. Let's just say, I was right. And, but it wasn't that night. And so that night I got super drunk on UV blue and everyone's hooked me up. Acid, truly, yeah, battery acid. Everyone's so fucked up and we see sirens and the cops have been called.

So now the cops are pulling up and everyone hides and we turn off all the lights and we're like, they can't come in without a warrant. No one knows what they're talking about. And so it's funny, we are trespassing. Relaxed, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we all hide and they don't come in. And then I'm hiding under a pool table.

So I'm under the pool table. And they're shining flash lights in the windows and they're looking around and they can't see one. Everyone's like up against the walls like this. And they shine it under the pool table and it's just me. And he goes, you. And I go, and I- So I see your big ass by the way.

Yeah, there's not a pool table big enough in the world, honey. And I whisper, I'm like, is he talking to me? And he goes, under the pool table, out now. So I go, fuck guys, they got me. So I go out, I go, don't worry, I'm going to go handle it. I go out there and it's the cops. My grandpa is a deputy sheriff. And so I'm nervous that he's going to be out there.

He is not out there. And we're in his county. I go out there and it's this guy. He's being so intense. Got a flash night in my face. Like, what the fuck's going on? I tell him and he goes, here's the deal. I'm feeling generous tonight.

Go down there and get everyone who's sober who's driving. Put all the drunk people in the car, sober drive them home and never do this again. I'm not going to give any MIPs. And I was like, thank you so much. But we, I found out when, so I went to gather all the sober people to make sober driving happen. But during the time that they had busted.

me from under the pool table, we had a foreign exchange student from Mexico named Carolina. And we, for some reason, were convinced that she would get deported. And so if she got caught at this party, I don't know why. We were like, she'll get deported. She's like, I'm literally, she's like, I'm a foreign exchange student. Like, I'm in the program. She's, yeah, she's not U.S. citizens. She's not trying to be.

So we hid her in a broom closet. And she was in the broom closet. Well, no one remembered about her. So we, so, like, 30 or 40, because I think one person thought they were going to grab Carolina the other thought they were. And then we, we, dude, we were so. paranoid because we thought we got away with murder you know yeah yeah and we're like 30 minutes later we're on the road home on the highway home and carolina calls us and she's like i'm scared i'm scared

who's coming to get me and she's in the house alone so we like circle back carolina god bless you girl if you're out there i wish you the best so we go back sending love and we're like we're like nervous that the cops are still watching the house so we like turn off our our headlights and like creep down a this is the same day this is the same night okay yeah yeah it's like 30 45 minutes later she's been in the broom closet alone so my car we pull up we're pulling down with the lights off gravel road and we call her and we go run outside now and get in the trunk. We're still convinced she can get deported so if we get pulled over, we're like a gravel road away and there's this huge yard between the house and us and we just see in the darkness

Carolina just sprinting towards the car. Someone gets out opens the trunk. She hops in and we drive her back that we drive her back in the trunk. Safe from deportation. We got her out of there. Safe from a threat that didn't, uh, wasn't going to happen. It's not. But hey. Fuck border patrol. No, for real. And that being said, we said not today, bitch. Fuck, I see, bitch. You know, it's funny. And when I was in college, there was a bar right off campus called Tropics,

and it was known for underage drink. Like, you could get in pretty easy. So, like, before I had a fake, I would go in early. That way when it started popping off, like, they wouldn't check me again. But then when they started doing sweeping for that shit, my friends would go and they would, like, get the stamp. And she would come right back to me and then press it to my hand. That's so smart.

And so women and seven. Thank you. I love women in. And so one time she pressed it to me and I walk in and he goes, why is it on that hand? Because everybody was on their left. And I was like, I don't know. Ask your guy why he stamped my right hand.

He goes, what guy? I go, he's somewhere in there. Do you mind if I go in there? My purse is in there, all my stuff. He's like, I'm going to go look for the guy who's allegedly stamped your head. I'm like, okay, yeah, sounds good. He turns right.

I just walked in. Period. Me thinking he can't see me. I'm the biggest bitch in there. I'm like, you're ahead. Not only like, Melman the giraffe, bitch. Behind everyone. But there was this time we left and one of my girlfriends and I get fucked up.

It was just so two of us like, like, like drinking. all night, fucking drinks all night. Absolutely trash. This is not a good thing, but she said, I can't drive home? And I said, can you? And I lived, I didn't live too far. And she was like, no, I'm good, I'm good.

And she looked good, and I thought she was good. So I was like, okay. So I got in the car with her, and we're giving two guys a ride home too. And so she's driving, and this is not a good thing, but like drunk driving is pretty common in Hawaii. I don't know why, but like, it's probably because everything is so close. Not a good, not an excuse. I didn't do it.

Anyways, we're driving away. Oh, you go, don't do it, but we did it and we have a laugh. Do as I say, not as I do. And so she starts pulling out immediately pulled over. Like immediately pulled over. And she's a local girl. Like she's born and raised in Hawaii. Like, and HPD, like, they're really nice.

Like they're super nice to local people. So she pulls, they pull us over. The two guys in the back are athletes. So they're like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And I was like, are you guys fucking 21? And they're like, yeah.

I'm like, you're fine. Relax. Because we were all 21 at that point. And so I'm sitting in that passenger seat, but I'm immediately sober. Because I'm like, uh-oh. And then she's like, he goes, oh, have you been drinking? she's like, I only had a couple. And I was a couple, hundred, but okay.

Girl, you were drinking like a fish. I was like, you drink more than I did. Yeah, she's like, no, I only had a couple. He's like, okay, he takes her out. And then she takes her back there. He starts giving her the test, like the walking in a line, like all that shit. I wasn't watching, but I'm assuming she failed miserably because then he breathalized her, right?

And then she was like over the limit. But I didn't know what was going on. I'm just sitting there. And it looks like they're kind of like laughing, Kiki. I was on Instagram. Yeah, I was like, I was, again, drunk. so I was just like staring out the window. And then she comes back and she goes,

and I go, oh, how's it going? Because she looks happy and like, fine. She goes, okay, so I'm getting arrested. What I need you to do, take my car, drive it to your house so it doesn't get impounded and then I'll get it from you tomorrow. I said, girl, are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not doing that shit.

She goes, I need you to take it so it doesn't get towed. Okay, love you. She goes, see, what's the guts on her? That's her fucking car. I was like, oh my God. Like, I was like, I was freaking. I was like, okay, I got to call an Uber or something. like I get out of the car.

And so the police officer comes and he's like, have you been drinking? I go, yeah, I have been. I have been. I've been drinking, yeah. And then he was like, okay, well, I don't want to till the car. So like, you know, if you want, like you can drive it. I said, what is this a test?

So I get behind the wheel and then you pull me over. Nice try, buddy. Not today. Me still fucked up. Nice try. You're not going to fucking get me. You're not getting tired today. Fucking bitch.

Fucking pig. And I'm literally like. Oh no, no, like, I'm not doing that. And he was like, it's not a test. Like, he's like, if you want, I can breathalize you. And if you're over it, then just call it a cab and go home. And I was like, okay. So I got out, why?

I don't know. I got out, walk over there. Mind you, I'm like, like, tits pushed up to my chest. Like, I'm literally in this, like, shortest shorts ever. Your fashion over fit. Yeah, I'm like, officer. Nice to meet you. And then he breathalizes me.

Girl, I was point zero one. I said, I hold alcohol like a tank. And then I'm, I hold alcohol like a tank. And then I'm, I drove home, drove through the drive-thru of Taco Bell, picked up some food, went home. You and the homies in the bag? Yeah, and then I called my mom when I got home. I said, you'll never guess what happened to me tonight.

And then I was like, yeah, those are your grandpa's jeans, like my, my grandpa, because he can hold liquor like a champ, bitch. Did you feel drunk, though? I thought I did. I mean, I think the adrenaline probably sobered me up more than anything, but I was like, he's like, oh, you're like not even drunk at all. And I was like, you're, God damn right. You're not, you're not.

You said, hey, thanks, player. Hey, drop me up. Free the homies. Free my girl. What can I do to get my girl out of the back seat? By the way, she should be president. She's like, she's like, Bessie, I'm getting arrested. Okay, so I'm getting arrested, but here's what I need you to do.

Okay, lock in with me. I need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed. And I was like, what fucking do we? Can you hit me my lip glass? No, the cops are like chilled. They are arresting me, but they're like being very cool about it. They're really cool. Yeah, and she came to my house the next morning.

She was on my door to the next morning. She was like, yo, crazy night. Yeah, one would say yeah. She's like, yeah, last night was a misdemeanor. Last night was a warning. Last night was a Class A felony. This night was an MIP. Well, anyways, we've talked about literally everything except the topic, which is great.

What was the topic? I didn't even get there. I didn't even get there. We didn't need it. Literally when I text you yesterday, what's the topic, girl? Just kidding. Never mind, we don't need one. We don't need one.

Forget it. Hey, forget about it. That Cooper's story is going to stay with me forever. God bless him. That's FAMO right there. That's fan. That's gang. That's gang for real.

That's mother. Cooper is mother. I put two pills in front of Cooper. One's mother, one's con. I said choose one. Choose one. He took both. He popped both.

He popped both. He's off the perks. There are two pills in front of you. One's mother, one's cunt. Cooper, do you feel the rush? I'm like, Alexa, play rush by Choice of Arm. What are you wearing? That's poppers, babe.

Poppers. Oh, wow. Shit. Well, thank you two comedy geniuses for coming on the pot again. I love y'all to goddamn death. And I'm serious. I love you both so much. I could not be more grateful for your friendship.

I don't know. Fucking same. The feeling is so mutual. I love you. Let's never work together again. This was tough. We should have, yeah. I feel bad for everyone in the room.

It's so upsetting. They had to turn the air on for us. We were sweating. You put three big girls in a room and not have the fucking air on? Ten more minutes without that mini split running. And it would have smelled like bodice. You would have needed Coops Cologne for sure. Not even that could have covered the stench.

No, lucky you wouldn't touch what I got brewing. Buttoes. Butt pussy. Booty dick and pussy. Y'all aren't up. But pussy. Y'all aren't up. Well, that's, you know,

my prom date knows all about that. He's metaphorical dildos up his, butssy. He's all up in his own. I know he's given some mousy girl hell in the bedroom. I know they waited until marriage and she didn't realize what she signed up for. He's like, please pick me, please. I know some bitch in a cardigan goes through war every night. I'm sorry to say, if the temple's rocking, don't come and knock it.

Car cardigan and some tivas. I know. I know he rips those caprice off her Hair down to her knees You're really That Stanley is clinking around But thank you guys so much for coming on the show I love y'all

Oh love you guys The best people in the world Let's never do this again Let's make a pact In 10 years We'll all meet up right back here Why is everybody laughing? I'm gonna shoot you dead when we finish

So you're not gonna make it for 10 years The one where they go on Brat TV. Wait, this is low-key our central perk. Where is Marcel the monkey? Dibs on fat, Monica. I'll be fat Joey when he has that one scene where he's fat. Dibs on fat, Monica. I want to play that beefy bitch.

Beefy bitch. I like to think I'm Monica or like Rachel or Phoebe, but I'm Gunther. Bitch I'm dead. That a swimmer. Not even wrong. I'm just, I'm David Schwimmer. I'm David Schwimmer out of drag. Not my Ross drag.

Did you guys see the super cut of all the times? He said juice during the age OJ movie. He said, he goes, he goes, your uncle Juice is a good man. Juice, juice, juice. Because they called OJ the Juice. Yeah, the Juice. And there's a super cut of David Swimmers' character

and not saying at 15 million. It's so fucking funny. He's like, juice, juice, juice. It's like literally every scene. You're David Schwimmer, but in Madagascar. My name. meant that's two Melman jokes you've made. Obviously comedy is my job.

My calling and purpose in line. You got Madagascar around the brain. Last night was a Pixar animated feature. That's true. That's a DreamWorks feature bitch. FR. FR. My, whoa, okay. I'm sorry. I was very gracious to come in here.

And be vulnerable with me. Somebody fly in my gun. You're like. Somebody fly in the mother gun. Thank you guys for coming on the pod. I adore you. Love you all for ever. I love it, y'all.

Thank you all for joining us on this All-Star episode. Where can everybody find you? Please promote anything. I'm on tour, but the shows are all sold out. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry, guys. I'm on, Caleb says things on the internet. You can find me on there and listen to my new podcast,

So True episodes with both of these two. Period. Period. Period. Yeah, please get those views up because the ad suitability is, all my ad suitability on YouTube is like, just them being like, get a grip. I am Brittany Brosky.

I have a podcast called The Brozky Report. I have a show called Royal Court that this motherfucker has been on. We have got to get you on it, my brother. Yeah, a lot of talk. A lot of talk, not a lot of emails. Yeah, let's get those followers up. We'll revisit. Yeah, we'll say, if you get those followers up, we can have you on the show.

Let's do it next quarter. Let's see 100K. Come on, let's see 100K. Come on. Let's see that plaque. Hang in there. Oh, my God. Yeah, please follow them on everything you probably already fucking do.

But thank you all for joining us on this episode. Thank you for watching my brother and sister in Christ. Look at us together. Seriously, y'all. The thumbnail. The fucking iPhones. Shooting up. Thank you guys so much for watching this episode.

I love you all. Thank you to Brittany and Caleb, the funniest people on the internet. And I'll see you next week. Bye!