The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - WHO WOULD YOU SHIFT WITH? Ft. Chris Fleming | Episode 189

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

IT’S SPOOKY SEASON TEAM!! The great Chris Fleming returns for our first Halloween episode of the year. Drew and Chris talk wedding planning, mentalists at birthday parties, shifting, Chris almost hitting Shia LaBeouf with his car, getting fired for sunbathing, and so much more. Chris IG: https://www.instagram.com/chrisflemingfleming/?hl=enChris TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@chrisflemingfleming?lang=enFollow The Comment Section on IG! https://www.instagram.com/thecommentsection/ eBay is the place for pre-loved and vintage fashion. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Two Good and Co. Coffee Creamers. How do you take your coffee? Piping hot, iced, strong, brothy? If you love rich, creamy goodness and delicious flavor in every sip, try Two Good and Co creamers. They're made with farm fresh cream, real milk, and contain three grams of sugar per serving. That's 40% less than the five grams per serving in leading traditional coffee creamers. Two Good Creamers are available in sweet cream, roasted vanilla, and lavender. So which one are you trying first? Find two good creamers at your local retailer in the creamer aisle.

Yamava Resort and Casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination for today's superstars. Catch the Jonas Brothers return to the Yamava Theater stage on April 30th, the powerful vocals of Demi Lovato on May 17th, and the signature Southern Country Rock of Eric Church on July 19th. Tickets on sale now at Yamavah Theater.com, only at Yamava Resort and Casino, celebrating its 40th anniversary.

in must be 21 to enter well you tell me where you would want to ship first i keep thinking of goofy from a goofy movie i just be wanted to tell him get your shit together you're all you can't keep doing his ears put it together your son's out of control everyone and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show sorry me your fave who cares about me on to the guest today we have my favorite episode personally the iconic the hilarious chris fleming Woo! And it's Halloween season. And it is. It's spooky season.

And I didn't want to mention it just so it's a surprise so they saw you. This episode is presented to you by eBay. We all have that piece. You know the one. The thing that's so you. You've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, team.

eBay is where you'll find those one-of-a-kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking that Mewmue off the runway red leather bomber, the Cousteau Barcelona top with the cowboy on it, or that Patagonia fleece in the 2017 colorway. All these finds are on eBay, and they even offer millions of main character pieces backed by authenticity guarantee. eBay is the place for pre-loved and vintage fashion. eBay, things people love. And Drew's crew is scurrying around getting Drew ready with this. It was a big, this outfit.

And while it is amazing, I was expecting something quite outlandish. And this for all this. And then to reveal, it's Drew in the Mona Lisa. Can I be real? They were kind of doing that about you with me. So I thought you came dressed up and they were keeping it as a secret. No. And I, my reading comprehension is in decline.

And so the email, it did, I reread it. It did ask me to. Oh, nice. And I was thinking, could I say? I'm like, dressed like Amy Sherman Palladino or something. You're a Christmas self. This is, or like girl interrupted. Or you're Tim Allen from the first Santa Claus.

That's so specific. Did he wear this? He wore a lot of sweaters. Oh, because this does look like it has the illusion of layers. Exactly. Yeah. Well, it worked out because we found the perfect costume for you, which is the helmet. I'm dressed like the inventor of the Kegel.

Dr. Sue Kiegel. But the helmet is. Katie Perry in space. Oh yeah. This was gifted to me. Moments before sitting. Now it's stuck on your head. Yeah. Now I'm jammed in. And it's yours forever. Yeah. No, I like it. Now you can go to space with Gail. Yeah. Oh, I was supposed to reveal. They asked me to reveal slowly to camera that it's me. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to have you back. How have you been? Oh, I've been good. How have you been? I've been good. Even the state of the world. This is kind of how I'm feeling, I'd think. Like the Mona Lisa? Yeah.

Just trapped. Smiling a little. Yeah, smiling a little, grinning and bearing it. That's kind of where my vibes are. Yes, yes. What about yours? Yeah, my state of the world is more the moni water lilies. I'm the water, I'm those.

Okay. That's where I'm at right now. Kind of like. Right. Existing as a beautiful enigma. If you stand far enough away, yeah. Right. But when you get closer, you're kind of like, ooh.

Oh, that's how we did this. You ever do the magic eye or you're supposed to make your eyes go like that and then you see something? No. Yeah. What's that? Like manifestation or literally? No, it's like different patterns and you're supposed to like fuck up your eyes and then you see like some message. And the inventor's daughter went to my elementary school.

Okay. Which could have been a lie. Right. Right. Okay. We just kind of believed it. But I could ever do it. I feel so specific that how could you lie about that?

Well, that's pre-ask Jeeves you could get away with. I love manslaughter. Oh, yeah. I thought it was the smartest web search engine I'd ever seen. It knew three things. Total. Where am I? Is it still around?

Is he still around? I don't think so. Yeah. I think no. Yeah. Do you like magic? I won't seek it out, but if you drag me, there like I was telling you I'm easily

manipulate I will be I'll be I'll love it I'm in yeah no matter what oh yeah you'll suspend disbelief you take me anywhere I'll enjoy it that's my problem I'll talk so much shit until I'm there and then I'm weeping and then you're just having the time of your life I'm just totally I'm like a girl in a music festival I'm feeling exactly what you want me to feel when

girl who's going to be okay yeah yeah every time you see anything I was just curious you seem like you'd be into magic oh my god No, I'm into trickery. I'm into mischief, not magic. Right, that's true. That's true. You just give me a real mystical energy.

That's what makes me think about it. Good. And I just turned 30 last week. Oh my God. Right. That was the first time I exhaled. The first time, I was truly bouncing around like Tigger my whole life on my ass. No tail.

No, yeah, exactly. Gush. Gush. Just pissing everybody off. Pissing everybody off. Right. Hey, hey, hey, slow down. Enough with the bouncing.

At parties, I would make someone laugh and then be like, I'm out of here. My friend Jerry, like, oh, Chris, man. You just got to laughing, man. Stick around. Can't have more able to make laugh. Yeah, yeah. And then I go home and sleep.

And then a big laugh. That was my training. You and me both. So wait, so 30, how do you feel? Honestly, I feel really great. I feel like I've been 30 forever. So I was just kind of glad to stop saying 29. I was really sick of it.

I quit saying 29 months ago, like when people would ask me. Oh. Spooky. Yeah. It's okay. Oh my God. Do we have, is this kind of like an escape? Do they have levers and stuff?

Are they going to keep, they're going to keep doing this to us? Because I can only take one more of those before I'm out. Just so everyone knows, that's one. Yeah. That's one. My grainy paintings are only so thick. I get scared so easy. Yeah, a few months ago I quit saying 29.

I just started saying 30 because I was just over it. 29 is stressful. Yeah. 29. 29. And then 30. Yeah, exactly. Now I get to be, I'm 30.

Like, I'm youngest in my 30s. Now I'm claiming new territory. And I feel like you've made every list, every 30, every under 30. Under the wire too. I made most one at 29. So I really got in there under the wire. There was a period where you were on one of those, I think, day. Like it was.

Was it different? You know what's funny is I got one today? Which one? Mashable. Fashionable? Mashable. Mashable. It was like top 25 creators, something like that.

Yeah, you did. Made another one. What number? I don't know if they numbered me. They put me under a category of just content creator. So there you go. Beautiful. Just chilling there, you know.

Oh my God. Are you going to post it to grid? Maybe. What are you waiting for? I'm like, uh, another list. Yeah. Yeah. I was sitting on those lists for a minute.

But when we did my third. 30th birthday like my friends and family surprised me like we just like went to a house like relax my idea of like a perfect birthday is doing absolutely fucking nothing nothing laying horizontal yeah maybe reading my candle yep eating everything in the community is canceled i want i want no one i wanted people to observe it like a moment of silence but i don't want the attention same i want people i don't i hate seeing something scheduled when i see like a furniture sale it says january 29th but i don't want you talking i don't I want like you addressing. Exactly. I want to be sitting in peace. I know. I said the same thing.

I was like, I don't want anything that's going to draw more attention to me in any way. I don't want to be the center of anything. Yeah. I just want to do nothing. It's uncontrolled attention. Right. That's why I'm so afraid of a wedding. Like my own way.

Like you getting married? People just kind of peering. That's actually so true because I'm getting married next year. Oh my God. And I, and you're not invited. I'm sorry. No, no, I get it. I get it.

I would do so. something. I would actually love to have you there. I started a rumor at my cousin's wedding that the wedding planner had a piece on her. Just because she was just like she was really organized and I was like and I think I said the priest also was packing. Yeah, I just start rumors. Different kind of packing or a no no truly like a like an ankle holster. Right. Have to have to yeah. I mean why not at a wedding? That's the place to start. Rumor mill. Yeah and you're all I heard it from someone at the bar. You can just put pin it on anybody yeah i get devilish at weddings yeah when you get real you get real mischievous at a wedding i get sneaky well in planning my wedding i think like a month or two ago i was like thinking

about play settings and i was like yeah that makes me want to die like having a traditional like like a huge wedding kind of thing because i was thinking it's really embarrassing to have people watch you get married like everyone's just staring like what you were just saying oh yeah i was feeling the same way I was like, so like a hundred people are just going to be looking at me, get married. That's embarrassing. And the difference of generations seeing you through their lens, it's like too much for me to take. Right. And like your neutral kind of like, your little Paul Dano smile, which is so tense.

Because you can't be truly neutral with all those eyes on you. You got to be like somewhere in the middle. Yeah, it's like a performance of some kind. But you can't speak. It's a silent film because you're not allowed. People speak on your behalf and you just, you kind of. Yeah, the only thing you say is I do, I guess. And the eyes on you in the dance floor, they're going to be way too encouraging of anything

you do as the bribe. Yay. Well, and also, yeah, they're going to enable me, honestly. That might be bad for me. It's like agents. Yeah, exactly. How they have to laugh. Right, exactly.

I go nuts on that. You can say something that's not recognized as humor in any culture and they're like, ah. That's so true. It's so good. Sometimes when you're like, Okay, relax. That joke wasn't that funny that I told.

That does give me fuel for the next, though. Because they know to get the engine started. Yeah, you need a little bit. You got to feed you. I got to be invited in. Otherwise, I'm a vampireist. So then you can go nuts once you get in there. Can you hear me through this helmet?

Yes, we can. Yes. Yes, exactly. Well, at my 30th birthday, they actually hired a magician to come. Okay. Because I think magic is fun. Yeah. Yeah.

He identified as a mentalist. Way better. Right. Oh, he's still in there. Those guys? It's working. Oh, my God. I know.

Very male dominated field. Yeah, why is that? I've never met a she mentalist. She, her mentalist. Yeah. You know what? Me either. You know why?

Only a man would be that confident that they could get in someone's head. Oh, totally. Only a man would be that air. Every woman is a mentalist. She's just keeping it to herself. Yeah, she's not trying to commodify it. She's not standing on a 250 cap stage in a strip mall. We're in a horrible short sleeve button up.

I know he kind of looked like car salesman. Like he had like a blazer and like, yeah. But it was funny is like when we got what came all into the room, he was like saying, first all he was 30 minutes early. And they're going to say 30. And if he was 30, no, they better be 50 at least. No, he was like, yeah, he was late 40s, early 50s. Thank God.

Yeah, it can't be a young mentalist. A peer mentalist? I don't want to get near that. No, thanks. No way. The mentalist has to be old enough to drive a car at the least. He needs to have been around for a little bit of Reagan. Like the tail end of Reagan.

Yeah. Yeah. You had to be a fully formed adult during Clinton at the very least. Oh, yeah. Did you like Clinton? Back in the day. Back in the day when I was like, I don't even know how old. Sure, why not?

I heard that he can memorize 10,000 names, so I was like, I got to remember everyone's name. Bill Clinton. It's time to refresh your yard during spring backyard days at the Home Depot. Get low prices guaranteed on propane grills starting at $179, like the next grill 3-burner gas grill, or get $50 off a select Weber Spirit grill

and bring big flavor to your backyard. Then set the scene with Hampton Bay string lights that bring it all together. Shop Spring, backyard days for seven days at the Home Depot. Now through May 6th. Exclusion supplies to homedebo.com slash price match for details.

I love Bill Clinton. Well, you know what? If I became the leader of the free world, I just start saying shit too. I'm like, me, me, I can memorize a thousand countries. And then just nobody asked me to do it because I'll get nervous. I can remember four countries. Sorry, keep going. So the mentalist is there.

Oh, yeah. So we had the mentalist there. He was great. In the beginning, though, he was, we were like, we always, we always play background music to some extent, you know, so it's not awkwardly quiet. And when we were like, oh, we'll put on some music. He goes, no, no music. It's a distraction.

And we were like, oh, okay. And then we were sitting in silence just waiting. Bone-chilling silence. Yeah, waiting for everyone to come into the room. And to the point where I text my sister, because she was the last one. And I was like, dude, hurry up. It's weird out here. And then she finally came.

And then he did his tricks and everything. And he was good. Like, we were all like, whoa, about certain ones. And we're a really captive audience. Like me and my family, like, we're the best audience to have for shit like that. Like if your kid wants to show a talent, like my family's the person to do it in front of. Oh, totally. Because we'll be cheering them on and acting like it's the best thing we've ever seen.

Oh, yeah. Even if it's not. But we will be making jokes. And that is a caveat I do have to add. So while he's performing, you are like. Workshopping a bit. You're riffing. Maybe.

Yeah. Sometimes. Well, we were letting him do his jokes. But then there was one part he's like, write down a place you've always wanted to go. and my sister was like write down your mom's house and we like couldn't stop laughing like we were like

like I wrote your inviting this man into your house and hitting him with your mom's house yeah we were we were giggling we didn't tell him the joke like we were just laughing about it but he knew and then he got like almost nervous and so he like forgot some of the trick

and then like one of my cousins was there and he was like what did I just ask you and then he goes I don't remember like It just got like awkward and uncomfortable. And I was like, okay, if you're going to be a magician in your 50s, you got to learn how to hear giggling. You can't get shaken by giggling. You don't think it was the fact that he knew you wrote down your mom.

I didn't, though. Because that's screaming in his head. I started writing that and then I wrote Ireland instead. Okay? Okay. So I did change it. Yeah. But we were just giggling.

Do you think the 29 year old would have written your mama's house? That's a difference between 29 and 30. 29 and 30. A 30 year old woman, they want to go to Ireland. They want the cliffs of Dover. Well, you know what? I invited a magician to my 30th birthday,

so I think I can make a joke about your mom's house. Sure. Totally. Sure. Why not? Totally. And then, like, his very last trick was, I don't remember the buildup,

but I remember he was saying, shout out in places you want to go to, right? Like, any places you want to go to. And so there was probably like nine of us, so we were like, now like people were like Ireland the UK like just saying random places. Yeah we all said at least one place right. My brother at one point goes the Shaalisee and then we all started laughing and then that

that threw him off too like I was like dog come on man like that was it bad pitch too that yeah he said exactly like that you have no idea how much I nailed that impression yeah wish you were there when he said it no that felt it felt true exactly like that it sounds like an eighth grader sucking up yeah you're telling me that's part of the reason why we laughed okay yeah okay he wasn't going for a lapse he was no he wasn't he was being very serious he was offering that in earnest and that's what made it funny wow we were like saying all these places and then at a certain point like when you're saying give me a place there's only a handful of you we've all set a place yeah you're struggling to keep thick yeah yeah and then he kept going more more

more more and we were like um like everyone's getting nervous so we were like um madagascar um kazakistan yeah like we started getting nervous because he was going more more more more and then he finally like had someone uh read he had my fiancee read the names that he had written down like of the countries or places and then he had me shaking a dice to like cross out certain places and the last one was he wrote on there as the number two option Hawaii, which I know for a fucking fact. None of us said because we've all been there hundreds of thousands of times. You're bored by Hawaii. Yeah, yeah.

And like, well, and like we're from there. So like I was like, we wouldn't say the place we've been and I'm from. And he said, like he was like, okay, cross Iceland off, cross this off. So then the last one left was Hawaii, which I know nobody said. And then he goes, well, that's perfect. I'm already dressed. Rips open his thing. and he has an Aloha shirt, like a button down, like flower, like an Aloha shirt, a Hawaiian shirt.

He just, well, that's perfect. I'm dressed. And then it rips open the button up like Superman. And then he has that Aloha shirt on. And we were like, whoa. And then he goes, that's my time. Thanks, guys. And then he took a shini left.

That is so dark that he just ends every show on Hawaii regardless. And then I started thinking, you already had the Hawaiian shirt on. Of course. And then you're hoping someone's going to say Hawaii. He's not going to have a like a local. occasion appropriate outfit for like Iceland yeah yeah a modest a mock turtle neck yeah like yeah like what do you pick for that like that's well then he picks Hawaii and he does that whole bit and I go I bet that killed if someone said Hawaii like oh obviously I know how you did the trick now because I know nobody

said that but we were both like we were like yeah I guess it could I guess maybe like a full crocodile d'a outfit for Australia that would be funny but you couldn't reveal like a leather vest Or if he was like, I'll go, I'll be right back. He goes in the room and changes into it. Then I'm impressed because I'm like, when'd you put that outfit in there? And how many did you bring? Yeah. Of every region.

But I do recommend a mentalist. I thought it was pretty fun. Yeah. Yeah, it was a good time. Aside from that kind of subpart. Aside from the flub at the end. That flop of a joke. My cousin's baby had a birthday party where she had a magician recently a couple months ago.

So not a 30-year-old. No, no, no, no, but different. This was a magician. awesome Rob and the reaction that these toddlers had they were like they were like oh

they're like levitating they couldn't believe the shit that he was pulling it was it was the most electric like energy out there oh yeah they were just palpable what they were feeling oh my god they were like falling back

and like on the ground like eyes rolling back they start speaking in tongues Yeah. That's crazy. It was crazy. It was blowing their mind. I went to a game night thing once for Questlove, and he had a magician there.

But he was just in attendance. He does magic, like for real. Yeah. Seems like he does too many things, probably. Questlove. Yeah. He's got his finger in a lot of pies. He does a lot of things.

Drummers got to stay busy. Yeah. They do all these different. Yeah. They have a lot going on. Yeah. So he has a magic. Yeah.

So it was just a dude at the party. And he, like, sat next to us and was like, oh, how do you guys know Quest? And I was like, oh, he published my book. And I was like, what about you? And he's like, oh, he comes to my shows. And I was like, oh, cool, what do you do? And he's like, I do magic. And I go, really?

And he goes, yeah, he tells me, like, Jimmy Fallon came and he's a big fan of my show. So he brought Quest. And then, like, that's kind of how I met them. And I was like, nice, nice to do magic for famous people. That's sick. And then he goes, yeah, I've been doing it for a while. And he was pretty young. I think he was like mid-30s.

and I wish to God I remembered his name but like he started doing tricks I was those toddlers he was my awesome Rob yeah Questwell was gonna show up with a good magician Right when I saw he was doing shit that I was like what the fuck

Like I was literally being mind blown I was like oh my God Do you think they tell like their significant others how they do the tricks Like they might know They gotta tell someone Yeah I would I would violate an MDA easy

I would need to know if I saw like I if I if I I would need to know. If I was at a party with them, I'd be like, hey. It's me. Hey, it's Chris from before. I like that Jimmy Fallon and Questlove hang out. I always got the impression that there was a group chat that was being left.

That one of them is left out of. At the roots is like, we're going to bed early, Jimmy. They're like, what, do you guys hang out after? What do you mean? I just saw you guys. Oh, um, we, yeah. You guys just got an Uber. It's not really a group thing.

It's kind of like. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that movie, I love you, man. I have only seen that in like Planned Parenthoods or DMV. It's a good movie. Without audio. Or like the emergency vet.

Oh, the emergency vet. Right, right. They're always just blasting it. Yeah. That's like my theory where. I think the cast changes. I think sometimes it's Kevin James and then sometimes it's. I think one time it was Pat Nosswald.

I love you, man. Yeah, I think those movies sometimes there's this kind of like, let's put in a different. They'll never know. They'll never know. Just swap them out. It'll be fine. Yeah. I mean, that would make sense.

I wouldn't know. No. Like middle-aged white dudes. I'm like, yeah, that's probably him. Totally. I'm sure that's Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd's probably in it. I think.

Last I checked. Yeah. Have you had him on? Have I had Paul Rudd on? I don't know. I mean, I know you don't watch the show, Chris, but no, I have it. No, I do watch the show on Spotify. On our favorite platform?

It shuts down the electricity in my house, watching it on the app. That's how often I'm streaming. That's how shake. Every power light goes out on the street to stream this visually on Spotify. No, I actually had a meeting with Spotify once where they were telling me just like the show's doing great, whatever. And they were telling me, yeah, you're a guess like no pattern, no like similar profession. You throwing darts at a. And they're like and they're eating it up.

Like it's so great. Like, wow, that's so. I was like, they're like, you have all these fucking weirdos and nobody cares. They're all enjoying it. I was like, yeah, pretty much. I'd say so. Yeah, you have a lot of nomadic types like myself. Yeah.

That's why I was like. Shifty characters. Yeah, with you, I'm like, that's for me. Yeah. That's your episodes are for me and me alone. Yeah. Well, me and Caleb. And one woman who claims to astral project with me.

Have I told you about her? No. I mean, I don't want to even get into that. She's probably with. I'm probably in. the Jade Realm with her right now. She's just saying that about you? Oh yeah.

Sometimes she's pretty accurate about like how I am. She's like, yeah. She's leaving me these detailed notes of what I'm like when we're asked when she's actual projecting with me, which is such a violation. I didn't ask for that. No. No, you can't just do that with me. Well, maybe that's the first female mentalist you've ever met.

Oh, maybe it's her. They're all mentalists. Have you ever heard of shifting? Uh-oh. People doing shifting. No. Is that that Mormon thing? No. No? No.

No. What's shifting? I've seen it. I've only seen people talk about it on TikTok, which would make sense because I think you need a certain level of brain rot in order to access it. But it's literally when they close their eyes and they like go like almost like lucid dreaming. Yep. But they like go into the dream willingly. But they're always with like fictional characters. Oh fuck. Or like boys.

Specifically. I've only ever seen women do it with boys. Okay. Like so they're like oh I shifted and I was I shifted and I was dating like Edward from Twilight and we went to the mall together and like and they recount it like it's like this is what I did last night when I shifted which like in my head is like that's kind of just seems like imagination but that's okay like whatever you want to call it it's like there there's a new term for daydreaming yeah right yeah exactly we're calling it shifting imagining right children do it it's good to foster the whimsy is it painful a little a little bit of

the blood comes out of the year when you shift. They look like that. What's her name on Stranger Things? Oh, yeah. 11. Yeah. Millie Bobby. Yes.

Yes. Who's 41. She's 41 now. Wow. She got older than us. Something happened. They're all older than us. They went into the jade realm and came out older than us.

Yes. Like the Narnia closet. Yes. They just came older than us. What happened? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's the guy with the mustache?

Remember they, like, we right when we completely forget about it. That's when it drops again. Who's the thick-thied guy in charge? What are you talking about? Not David Attenborough. Yeah, David, something.

Oh, David Mamet. The guy who's like, Harvard. David Harbor. David Harbor. You are like Papa. Do you remember that?

No. That's from Stranger Things. Are you talking to me right now? Sorry, I went somewhere for a second. Yeah. You shifted. Yeah, I shifted for a second.

Sorry. It's in Stranger Things. When she's yelling at David, what's his name? I almost said Adnboro. Oh, I like putting the evidence on things, stranger things. Stranger things. Yeah.

Stranger things? Stranger things. Because, right, it's supposed to be stranger things have happened. Who would you shift with if you could shift? If I could shift? Yeah, we'll say it on the count of three. I don't know my idea. Wait, does that have to be imaginary person or has to have to be a real person?

What if we both said Seinfeld? I wouldn't want to shift there. That sounds miserable. Neither would I. Yeah. Well, you tell me where you would want to shift first. So who I would get to hang out with? Yeah, yeah.

Like you go in. to like you're like you're still you but you're in that universe I keep it well you said fictional I keep thinking of goofy from a goofy movie and I would just be wanted to tell him get your shit together you're all you can't keep doing his ears

pull it together your son's out of control he's delusional the ears are just a big part of it yeah it's me flapping he doesn't listen he would be so pissed that's your crew had to whip the headphones out here in that time

that sound Biden outlawed that sound especially when you're talking about goofy yeah well that's what the that's what the ears would make this could be this could be something else too yeah you're doing that yeah that far apart I saw a Bazetown on the street today that's probably why I thought that yeah I literally went yeah out the window

like an older woman to the Basset Hound I went yeah it was this thing was this thing looked like um you know when Peter Pan when they have Nana played by like four guys and suit. I wasn't falling for it. On the stage play. Yeah. The stage play.

Yes, I do know. It was like way too big for a bassetown. This thing was like, you know how Bassetowns are just drooping? Yeah. This thing was like, it was way up. It was way too perky. Way too perky a Bassetown. And you went, yeah.

Yeah, out the window. Nice. I've been doing that more. Yeah, the whimsy of life. I almost hit Shia LaBuff with my. What? Hello? Yeah, I just slam on the brakes.

No, no, no. Okay, okay. You know when you... That's good. You know when you see... He had like a gray soul patch. Okay. And it's like, oh God, he's probably playing Colonel Mustard or something or something.

You know, when you see an actor with a new look, you're like, okay. Gonna be... Great. Can't wait to see this trailer. Who has a gray soul patch? Let's hear it. This thing was like thick. Anyway, so he runs out in front of my car.

I have to like slam. I'm blasting uptown uptown girl. Of course you are. Like deafening. Yeah. I have to slam on the brakes and I'm like, oh shit, this is shy like, he's going to kill me. Right. This is, I think he, he's probably killed a guy.

I'm sure. He like maimed himself for like a supporting role in something. Like, I think he was like basically background. Well, yeah, he sat in that windowless room with a paper bag on his side and he cried. No, totally. Whatever he's capable of, I don't want to see the extent of. So I'm like, I'm fucked. Like this is it for me.

And he's so pissed. I can tell. Yeah. But luckily, he didn't, he didn't register that there was someone piloting. He looked, he locked eyes with the headlights of my car. Like they were, like that was the face. And he was just staring at the car. And so I'm blasting Uptown Girl.

And I'm too afraid to move. It's just me and Billy Joel. Like Jurassic Park. It's, my car's like shaking. Uptown girl. And Trial Abuff's just staring my car down. And then I luckily got out of there. He kept moving.

but by the skinnier teeth you live to tell the tail it's Jurassic Park out here it was just a warrant do you think you would survive in Jurassic Park me yeah oh no no no here's what I do dig a hole and and just like kick it kick it you know they're not getting to you yeah what if they step on you that's they're not going to because then they roll their ankle do you think you would do you think you would survive Jurassic Park fuck no no no absolutely not well I my thing is too I would never go to that place. Like if I heard about it,

I'd be like, you're nuts going to that place. Only the lawyer died, right? You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough. Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton.

Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or The Hilton an app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected. When you want savings, not surprises. It matters where you stay. Hilton, for the stay.

And which one? You know, I fall asleep to that movie every night. I'm surprised you haven't shifted there, then. You should try going there in your sleep. Oh, I would shift with the guy in the white, the pan in the white suit who runs it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy's up to no good. The second you see him.

Oh, geez. The one who's like, is it the original Jurassic part? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And I screenshot. So like I wake up most nights to the kids screaming and kicking. Because it's very soothing the movie for the first hour. Sure.

It's fun. Yeah. And then obviously things go right. Tragedy strikes. And it's typically when I wake up, it's the kids. And you're like, oh, perfect, my favorite part. But then the other night I made it to a point and I got a good screen grab of one of the rap. Poking through the

Poking into the kitchen And he's looking Looking straight down the barrel And that's kind of like you Yeah Yeah a little bit Yeah yeah Yeah the neck movement similar

Oh and the legs Yeah And the way they how fast they are The little soft shoe they do Oh yeah they like making noises too Little Raptors They also make the noise You ever get into tap?

Tap like Tap dance Yeah No honestly I've never gotten to tap That is my purpose. To be a tap dancer? Just eventually or like...

I almost threw up, yeah. Or like in tandem with being a comic? No, no, no. No. It's completely separate thing. Retirement plan? Very serious about it. Retirement plan.

Yeah, there was a summer where I had my best friend's little sister teach me Monday through Friday in their basement how to tap. And how to go? Pretty good. Yeah, I'd say. But the problem is you have to go through some really boring shit before you can be like Michael Flatley. And I was not aware of that part.

No, I'm not willing to go through the scales of it all. No, the, no, I hate the scales of it all. I want to be the savant. Right. I want the Billy Elliott dancing on the street. Like one day you just put them on and you're like, they're like, no way, he can tap. Exactly. I just want my community being like telling me to stop and then I, and I'm not stopping.

I want them to be the only option. They can't stop you. Yeah. That would be so awesome if one day you just found out you were, world-class tapper. Yeah. That would be crazy. I know.

If anyone could do it, it would be you in my head. Thank you. I would say. I think so. I mean, I think everything is leading to that. All roads and there. And medicine, yeah. Did you say medicine?

And medicine, yeah. Right, you're going to discover a new medicine or just beyond medicine? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've said before, I think there's a very distinct reason that God or the universe, whatever you believe in, did not give me the power of, like, singing. I can't sing for shit. And I feel very strongly that it is because I would be fucking insufferable.

Same. Like you would never hear the end of me. Like if I had this job, God help you, I would have put out two albums already. I've only been doing it for two years. Like if I was only doing it for two years, I would drop two EPs, a music video. I would be relentless. I would be the worst. Like it's for everyone's best interest that I don't.

You'd be bringing your EPs to Starbucks. Right. I was like, did you guys play this? Yeah. This is the song of the summer. That would be me all the fucking time. Totally. It's for everyone's like, it's for the sake of everybody that I don't know how to sing.

It's good. But don't let me find out. If I do find out, I can sing. Do you do that thing in conversation? You know the thing that people do in conversation? It's typically people who identify as like, I'm a hugger. They typically, then they also will like randomly sing things that don't need to be song. Okay, you do it.

No, you don't do it. Okay. No, no. I know someone who does, Caleb. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's got picked.

No, that's my point. I'm saying when they can sing. He like the way he supports it. Yeah. Because he's been, you know, going to see the chicks and all that. Yeah. That's what they're calling now. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they go by the chicks now. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. I think you and I are both a little too left of center to know for sure. Like, I think you and I both were not that target. Well, I dead named them. And I and I paid the price.

Accidentally. Accidentally. And I got to talk it to. And then you got to be like, this is. is all new to me. I'm older. A flight attendant took me a sigh and said, Hey, I overheard you.

You can't be doing that anymore. They're just the chicks now. Yeah. You dead name the chick. And I'm like, well, they should drop the chick is also kind of not ideal. I would say. Let's just call them women.

The three distinguished women. Three women. Three women. Three beautiful, strong, empowered women. Yes. There you go. Fit that on an album cover. Yeah.

I can do it. Yeah. No, but Caleb's got a beautiful voice. He does. Yeah, that's, that is a nuisance that he's got that talent. That because that's an embarrassment of riches. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

It's a flaunting of wealth, in my opinion. Yeah, if I could, you can't be funny and do that. Fuck you. I took a voice lesson around the corner from here. You did? And I thought the guy was going to take me. You know, when you, you know, when you end up a bad way. Not in a good way.

No, no, like, like. Kidnap you? Yeah, like I would, I would go missing. Right. They'd find me in a silo in the Pacific Northwest. Topped into little tiny pieces. Totally freaked out. Yeah.

Oh, I'd be around. he would just like make me watch judge judy all day just a companion yeah he's just he needed a friend people want me as a companion and they don't even know what they want to do with me you know but you stay here

and I'm gonna figure out what exactly I need to do with you but I need to do something with you is there something that you would like love to pursue other than tap like if you could pick another thing to be a master at I like the idea of someone starting the interview here

and then thinking that I'm a famous tap dancer I'll tell everyone you're a famous song of answer. Anything other than TAP? No. Oh, you know, I wanted to be veterinarian when I was young, but I pass out at the side of blood or anything. So it didn't work out for you. Didn't work out for me. What about you?

What about you? I honestly think this is where I'm at. This is where you're at. Yeah, this is where I'm dying, unfortunately. Yeah. It's like fit everything into here. Yeah. However, if you can get in, if you fit in, get in.

That's how I feel about this. I don't know if there was any other job for me, really. Although I did have a running bit for a while That I was like I can't play any instruments But if I could play one Like off the rip right now Like I go on tour tomorrow It would be

No, it would be the drum Yeah Notice I said drum, not drums Yeah, you're thinking parupa pump Yeah, a very specific drum Only in the song Viva LeVita by Coldplay I was just on Cape Cod

Yeah, just that one song And you know it's like Doo do that I could do that I could nail it Just that one. Yeah, because he's not the main drums. He's just that one solid drum and the underlying beat. Yeah.

I think I could do that. You want to be the guy, you want to be the caboose of the marching band. Exactly. The heady, the closer. The boom. He doesn't even know what's happening with the clarinet. Yeah, pow. No, no need to worry about it.

No, because I got my beats memorized up here. So, like, just for that one song, though, I can't play any other songs. Yes, let do Viva La Vita. Just Viva. Lovita, just that one. I don't know anything else. I used to almost flip my car to that song in 2011. It's a great song to do it to.

My sister totaled our minivan to fix you. So you naturally have to do it to another one. So, and yeah, there's something about, yeah, it really, it really lands. It's a great song. It really brings something out of you. I just feel like I would really kill it. So if Chris Martin ever needs anybody, let me know. Play that page.

Yeah, I could start tomorrow. Because who was it? It was Gwyneth hitting that. Probably, yeah. She was hitting the base. Yeah, it was either her or Apple. It was, oh, Apple's the baby. Yeah.

Who's probably 39. I think so. I think she's like in her 20s now. Yeah. Early 20s. Yeah. Do we know her? You got to have her on.

Got to have Apple on. Oh, yeah. I got to have her on. Oh, just imagine. Imagine what she's up to. We're going straight to the top. Yeah. That's the game.

She's probably just in a good kitchen just rocking hands over ears. Just that one song playing over and over again. So Sveloveda. Yeah. I used to make, um, Gwyneth has these, uh, almond butter cookies that I would get more and more kind of, um,

I would cook less and less. Okay. Like, like, meaning like I would, uh, they, basically, you know like the school lunch ladies how they wouldn't cook the cookies? Yeah. And so they were just kind of giving you like this kind of like salmonella dough.

I would do that. Gwyneth Baltrow had these almond butter cookies that were like, it was like, she's like, cook him for 12 minutes. And I'd do that. And I was like, maybe I'll try 11. And I think I'm dove down to that around cooking number two. Just straight out the fridge. Yeah.

So good. I do love eating cookie dough. That's the best. It's so delicious. We're not worried about salmonella anymore. I don't think, right? Can you get salmonella from cookie dough? I think if you're like, I think it's most.

a reptile born illness now. I don't know. My brother said Salmonella. He's right there. Yeah. He's had Salmonella. And he looks great. Yeah, he looks.

He survived it. Honestly, it's funny because the year he got Salmonella was like, it was like during the summer. He got it when we were camping in Mexico. Yeah. And he obviously had to go to the hospital because he was really sick for too long. And my mom was like, everybody keeps telling me he has the flu. I know it's not that.

So she finally got him diagnosed. And they were like, he needs to be seen immediately. And we need to seal him away in something. you got sealed yeah they like like like like like heat stroke yeah yeah yeah heat stroke too so it was like it was a whole thing so like I almost bought a small business on heat stroke one salmonella ooh

it's crazy and I remember we would finish work and we would go to the hospital to visit him he had a stand in hospital for like four to four or five days and they were like had him in like a little penthouse suite like they were wheeling in a TV so he could play like Mario cart and shit I remember like after all that ended. He was going back to school and then we were like,

what was your favorite part of summer? And then my sister goes, my favorite part was when you got salmonella. And then he goes, honestly, same. Because I got to lay down and play video games and eat whatever I wanted. So that was pretty nice. You were treated like a king because you had salmonella. Where was this?

Do you say New Mexico? No, in Mexico. Oh, original Mexico. But we got back to California. and then he had to go to the hospital. You started that by saying the year my brother got salmonella and that does sound like a beautiful

kind of teen novel. Right, a YAA novel. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a John Green book. Yeah, yeah. The year I got salmonella. The summer I turned salmonella.

Do you think the Mario Car was causing the salmonella? No, I think it was healing it. That was the treatment. Yeah, I think if you get Salmonella, just play Mario Card. I think it'll go away. Yeah. Just don't be Yoshi because that guy's got it.

He's fucking. and riddled. Who do you play as when you play Mario? Do you play Mario? Yeah. Who's your character? I'm obsessed with Funky Kong, who famously spent some time, I think at Rikers Island. Because they found Coke as Miata. Right, right.

Who do you race as? I play as Toad. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, that's perfect. The most decent people are Toad. I would say Toad, don't ask him where he was January 6th, though, because I don't know. No alibi?

I don't know. I don't know. He's disorganized. Right. He doesn't have, he doesn't keep us, uh, It's not,

it's not the politics. It's finances. That's what it is. So it's the, it's the money. That's why. Whatever the fuck they were saying, 2016.

Yeah. It's just because he's a bank guy. He's a money guy. Oh yeah. He's a Wall Street guy, Toad. Probably. You ever watch Wolf of Wall Street?

Yes, I did. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, don't know how I feel about that. Although one time I did a little hot one. ones thing and they were asking me the hot ones no it wasn't the real hot ones it was like yeah it was the mini like you're not that famous yet hot ones like that one that's the one i did a training ground

yeah i had the training bra training bra hot ones that's what i had so i did that those first of all those wings genuinely are hot as fuck like and i it's any wonder how i made it home and didn't blow out my pants like a baby like just up my back you know what i mean it's a it's a total it's a a wonder. But they also did tell me though on that mini version that I did, they put only the hottest one. So it's the very last one on all of them. So it's not a mini one. Sounds like you did the worst one. I did the crash course one apparently. Just with a smaller distributor. Yeah. You went through more pain. Yeah, for fewer views. And I was chugging that milk like it was going to save me. It didn't. But one of the questions they asked me, because at first I was like,

I'll eat the fucking wings. I don't give a fuck because I do love spicy stuff. Really? The first bite I took, I said, so I'm going to burn every bridge I've ever built. I'm going to I'm going to out every single person. I can't do any more of those things. Wait, so you you it would it was like a, it was it would bring out like a confessional thing. Yeah, it was like I'm going to answer every question honestly because I can't put that thing near my mouth anymore. But the next question they asked me was whose TikTok account would you delete and I couldn't think of anybody like fast enough that I genuinely hate. Yeah. But I was like, uh, Jordan Belfort. Because he was the last I saw.

I was like, get that geriatric motherfucker into a home and off TikTok. Yeah. That's what I said. So there you go. That's how I feel about Wolf of Wall Street. Exactly. Yeah. What?

Yeah. It seems like Scorsese liked him a little too much. Right. I think so. Because they kind of made him look like awesome in that movie for a little too long, I would say. Leo? Yeah. Leo doesn't blow my hair back.

No, me either. I was like, yeah. This is Leonardo DiCaprio. Wishing you could be there live for the big game, soaking up the atmosphere in the crowd. But too often, life gets busy. Or the price holds you back. Priceline is here to help you make it happen.

With millions of deals on flights, hotels, and rental cars, you can go see the game live. Don't just dream about the trip. Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visitpriceline.com. Actual prices may vary, limited time offer. Right. Got it.

And he's like doing a little bit of an accent. Okay. He's in like, oh, he's in a plaid shirt in this one. His hair's black in this one. Yeah. Not even. I don't even then they let him die. Yeah.

Yeah. He's got a little bit of a close shave on this one. The other one, a beard. Get this. A beard now. Right. Remember that scene where he's crawling to the car for, I think, 45 minutes? Yeah.

And he's off quailudes or whatever. Hated that. Just the worst dudes you know to watch that and they were like, no, this is cinema. I've never seen a movie like this in my life. Totally. That's crazy. Yeah, I feel like they were rooting for the wrong. Reasons?

Yeah, it seemed like, yeah, I know Scoressays got a good daughter and all that. That's true. You know the clip of occasionally to pump myself up, I'll watch and delete this. I'll watch lose yourself. I don't know. You don't have to delete this. I'll watch, I'll watch lose yourself. Remember when Eminem came out for no reason at the Grammy?

Oscars. Yes. And Scorsese falls asleep in it. They cut to him. I don't remember that. Oh, it's good. It's so good. I love shit like that though. Let's like it's like celebrities almost like being human for like half a second. I love that shit. Oh me too. I was just talking about that with my last guest. I was talking about like you had another guest before. Yeah. Can you believe it? Oh my. Well, I shifted there. That's why it was a Biden again. But I'm so glad that when I did tell you that I literally. got it the day before you came on it was like the you're the perfect person to break that news too yeah I think I handled it with grace and poise I think so too yeah yeah especially when I said fuck no because you said what did you say and I can't believe you said no the idea of Biden in this chair

I would never I would never be able to escape that if that was in there there's no fucking way yeah but also like the girlies would tear you to shreds yeah I was like well let me ask him whatever I want then yeah that's the case oh and they said no yeah well no I said no but like it was very like it's kind of going to have to be too curated to a point where I'm like, no, thanks.

And you'd have snipers on you the whole time? Yeah, the whole fucking time. Just one red dot in the middle of my forehead the whole time. One in the shoulder. Just to, just a, just a warning. Not to kill, just to maim. Yeah. Yeah. To wound. To slow down. God. You know, yeah, a little little clavicle. Yeah. No, I was telling them, I love to remember things that celebrities have done that are like less than favorable. when they look back. Like now they'd probably be like,

I hate that. Like those are some of my favorite things to remember. Yeah. And the one I always bring up is like Sydney Sweeney when they found out when they saw that picture of her mom and like MAGA hats on her birthday. Love that. And everyone's like, hey. Yeah.

What the fuck is this? And then she went, guys, it's my mom's birthday. And that was it. And everybody moved on. Like I think that's so, that's the funniest thing you could ever say to that. Totally. Guys, it's my mom's birthday.

Why? Is she? I think she might. I think she might be getting ripped off by her people, because why does she need to do so many ads? And so many bad things, too. She's doing zeros after zeros, you know? And she's like selling. Remember the bathwater?

Yes, I do remember. Very distinctly. She shouldn't have, she's an icon. Hey, what's going on? Is everything okay? I should be doing that. I should be doing that for like 5K. Yeah.

Working with Sasquot. It was like Sasquatch. Yeah. They, they like, that's like a soap you get at a comedy festival. It's like in like the. in the swag bag. That I never slam dunk anything into the trash except at the airport. Kapo!

You give me a fucking. Oh my God. It smells like a stump. Kapo! And Cindy Sweeney's like, it seems like she's like, she's doing Spongon. I don't know. So she's preparing for something. Oh, a bunker?

You think she's building something? She's building a craft? That would be crazy. Where's she going? I don't know. she's preparing maybe she thought the rapture was for real did you hear about that tell me about this yeah i i keep missing these things yeah that doesn't surprise me but they move the rapture to december i guess that's what i'm assuming oh that's what you last heard yeah because it was

supposed to be yesterday just kick it down the road yeah i'll just kick in the can again i have sympathy for them because i could see myself starting or you know thinking something like that what a cult like vision yeah i feel like if you and i tried hard enough like we could easily start a cult oh oh yeah yeah but separately end together I feel like if we tried hard enough yeah I'm just too tired that's truly the only like I don't have any the energy to do it yeah if I were younger yeah what would yours what would you do with yours you probably do kind of have a little bit of a cult I do a little bit yeah I would say do you abuse it at all like

like like a little bit sometimes yeah like when I want to get into the Caesar Palace buffet in Las Vegas yes I do I'm standing there with pulling my hair back going oh hoping someone recognizes me I do that outside of Buffalo Exchange sometimes when I need attention. I just rotisserie around. Hey. Yeah, like when I want to like... My wife kind of likes you.

Yeah. I think. I don't. Yeah, like I've used it to get into the Caesar's Palace Bakanol buffet. You ever been there? Is it called? It's literally called the Bakanol buffet. Feast of Baucus. Have you ever been there?

I've done the... I've had too many bachelor parties that are there. And then we all realize, what are we doing? grave mistake. I've had too many, yeah. One too many at the buffet.

Yeah, with the giant crab legs is all I remember. Yeah, yeah. They have that like, it's like three huge rooms full of food. Like it's just a never-ending spread. Yeah, yeah. And it's like goes by like country almost. Like they have like Mexican food, Chinese food. Like it's just, it goes all the way to the back. Yeah. It's crazy.

Organized in terms of like what it does to your glucose levels. Right. Yeah. Very true. Like when you move in. Yeah, you're going to die in there for sure. Yes. I posted up a couple times in there. Those are probably like the only times I've abused my cult position.

That's not bad. I wouldn't say. No, that's. I'm like always the most famous person in like the most inconvenient, awful times. And then I'm like just a regular ass bitch in times where I could use it. Give me an example of this. Well, I was like probably the most famous person in the entire universe when my dog was dying and I was at the vet. And they asked me for pictures.

Oh, I didn't know which one, the bulldog? Yeah, no, they didn't die. I had two Frenchies, but I thought he was going to die because he was like on the verge. You know, Frenchies borrowed time already as soon as you get them. Yeah. Yeah. I always say they're great dogs if you have a lot of time and money. Yeah.

To just blow on anything. Yeah. I recently found out. You didn't like a telitutti vacuum. Exactly. Yeah. I recently found out my oldest Frenchie has alopecia. Yeah.

Because he has bald spots. And we were like, what is that? And then we looked it up and it's because he has alopecia. Yes. So, you know, he's also allergic to protein. So I have a vegan kibble. I have a vegan kibble that I subscribe to a service that gets auto sent to my house every two weeks. What's in the sweet potatoes?

It's hydrolyzed protein. So it's basically protein without actual protein from a meat because he's allergic to that. Oh my God. Yeah, it was making him throw up 17 times a day like by the time he developed it. And I remember I took him to countless vets. I was taking him everywhere. I was like something is wrong with him. Everyone would be like, it's just.

spent Frenches do? And I was like, okay, so do I just do I just get rid of all the carpets in my house? Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? And then I finally found like a specialist and took him there. And when I took him to the specialist, they were like, can you describe? Because there's two different kinds of dog

throw up, apparently. There's throw up and then there's regurgitation. Oh. So they were like, can you describe the throw up? And I was like, I verbatim, I was like, you know that scene in the exorcist where her head turns all the way around and then she spits out the black stuff? Sprinkler mode. Or Jurassic Park. When it's

Like that one in the Jeep and then blows it. Yeah. That part still surprises me. He's doing that all around my fucking house. Yeah. At least nine times a day. So like, can you fix it? I guess this is my question.

He's devaluing the property. Yeah. One carpet by one carpet. One time I went to, I was like, we only had him at the time. My fiancee wasn't home. He was working. And so I was at home by myself with him. And I went pee and I heard he was just kind of wandering in my room.

And then I heard him start going like, like he was going to throw up and I just bought a brand new rug and it was under my bed and I was like squid squid because I was already paying I couldn't like stand up and then when I stood up I finally turned the corner I like run her on the corner

he goes on my carpet vomits all over it gets off my carpet lays down of course they have it backwards on where to they need to switch it I need something to shift I think that's where, yeah, the designated.

Okay, but you were recognized at the emergency vet when, like, when you're. Yeah, when he was laying on the table and I was like, holy fuck, I'm going to kill myself if this dog dies. And then someone asks me for a picture. Yes. But when I'm late and I'm in TSA and I'm like, ah, my flight's late. They're like, I don't give a fuck. Right. Right.

Okay. No worries. I find that people want to take pictures a lot at 5 a.m. at the airport. That's the best time. Like when I'm coming down with something. It's really weird. When you just got the worst news of your life. And then they're like, I love your stuff.

Yes, yes. Or during like elder care. And then they like remove you from the person who's taken care of to like meet their daughter who doesn't want to. They're like, and the daughter's kind of like, that literally just happened last weekend. I was like, I, the person I'm supposed to be watching is like walking out of precarious stairs. Yeah. No, it's completely useless. No, I don't think I've ever benefited from it at all.

One time I was on a red eye coming back to L.A. And what's the dude's name from The Walking Dead that we saw? Stephen Young. He was on our flight. And we landed at like 5 a.m., right? And in L.A. So we're getting off the flight. He's like kind of in front of us.

Or no, he's right behind us. So we're walking. And as we come out, obviously it's empty like in the terminal. Like there's really no one there. Yeah. But there was three. The occasional person's sleeping. Right.

Right, exactly, waiting for their flight. That's it. Like with their jacket over their head. In the deepest sleep I've ever seen. Mouth wide open in LAX. A whole tent. Like glamping. Yeah.

Lamping in the Delta lounge. Yeah. Like a California king. It's crazy. We were walking out and there was three grown men standing waiting right there with like figures of his character from the Walking Dead. Brutal. And they were like, oh, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. can you sign these and one of them had like six of them like six boxes of that figurine and he was like

oh yeah and then he like stood there and was signing every single one these grown ass men like he's just waking up from a sex dream yeah that he had on the plane and he's from his lie down yeah and he literally was like yeah sure and then we were walking past him and I was like that's fucking awful how did you even get in here like they're not flying anywhere right I think they like bought 90s yeah they like bite for real they're smoking cigarettes. Yeah, for real. They can come and watch and wave at the plane as it flies away.

Yeah. Chasing their fiancee who they fucked up with. Wait. Wait, Stephen Young. They get on that little cart. They're like, follow that girl. Yeah. Oh, they're playing that.

Was it big? What's that song from Notting Hill where they're driving? Oh my God, that movie. You know what I'm talking about? It's called like Big Dirty Love or something. No, but they could be playing Viva LeVita. Through an airport chasing. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. That's the perfect one. I got chills when you were doing it. He used to rule the world. And some of you guys don't get that. Some of them were too young to understand. Now he's just playing smaller arenas. Now he's breaking up loving couples at the Coldplay concerts.

Did you see that? God, of course. The couple on the screen. Humiliating. You know what's funny is if you had just chilled for a second and let it pan somewhere else, none of that would have happened. They got too spooked. Totally.

Like if you just chilled for a second. Yeah. And just waded it out. That horse was skittish, and I'm talking about the guy. Maybe he's first time cheating. Your first time cheating. Oh, your first time cheating? Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Can't be cheating around a Jumbotron. No way. Not in front of Chris Martin. He'll get you. He's like the guy was, well, that's not a very good joke. I was going to say it's like the guy who caught the predators. Oh, Chris Hanson.

Yeah. There you go. Totally. Totally. But for cheat. He's the Chris Hanson of Infidel. of high finance infidelity. Of adultery.

Of adultery. Yeah. Well, that's a perfect segue into some fun facts about you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Would you like to hear some fun facts about you? And your crew just put their fists through the drywall back there. Oh, my fucking God.

Is something else moving? Yeah. Is it my frame? That was getting higher. And then, yeah. Okay. It's real spooky out here right now. Oh, that thing moves on its own.

I love that. I love that. I kind of hate that. I hate that I'm seeing it move on its own. We have a difference of opinion about this. Let's just watch it the rest of the episode and decide for ourselves. You know, I have a, in the same way that when I travel somewhere. Yeah.

I think it's an emotional maturity block. I can't imagine, like if I am traveling to a cold region, I believe the weather is going to be exactly where I, how it is where I am. And the fact that, and the fact that this is going to be coming out in October. Right. I can't even imagine that right now. Can't conceptualize that far. Yeah. Right.

October's next Wednesday. Fuck. Wow. Time flies when you're having fun. As the end of go, girls say, summer's beginning to give up her fight. That is true. Okay, this fun fact, this first one about you,

it says, your first manager convinced you to move to L.A. And then quit management to become a chef. A show. And I found out because she was posting Shoshito Peppers in Times Square, on Facebook. Yeah. That's how you found out she had quit

managing all together? That's right. I was like, Anna, what about me? So you'd rather make Shishito peppers than make me a star? Okay. Yes.

So now I'm just in L.A. Do you have any sort of beef against Shishito peppers now because of that memory? Oh yeah. I recoil even at the... There's not much to a Shishito pepper, is there?

I think it's just the Shoshito pepper if I... Well, and as chef's probably I'm going to be like, oh, actually. Yeah. It's not about how to cook a fucking shishito pepper. But you bite in and it's gone, you know. There's an emptiness to it.

That's true. Yeah. I do love a shishito pepper, but. Yeah. I get what you mean, though. It's kind of a throwaway. Well, when a pepper, yeah, when it looks spicy and it's not, you know? Yeah.

And when it doesn't look spicy, it is. That kind of thing. Yeah. I feel it. Oh, my God. I haven't had something that spicy in a while. I think the spiciest thing. Well, the hot ones thing was probably the spiciest thing I ever ate.

And even on there, like, Like after I finished, I still felt like my mouth, I felt like I had a live lava rock in my mouth, like currently. Yeah. And they gave me this like, I think it was like vanilla bean like oat milk ice cream. Yeah. Yeah. And like they said, just eat this. It goes away immediately.

And I go, oh, okay. And I ate one bite. It disappeared immediately. Wow. Now, did that excuse what happened to me in the bathroom later? Of course not. No. Well, no, but it took care of the.

Yeah. It took care. Upstage, not downstage. Yeah. And yeah. And I was just like, I felt like a cartoon, you know, and they're getting mad and it's like getting red. It's filling up their whole thing. Yeah.

Their head explodes. That's right. That's how it felt. I had that in New York, I had a, I had something so spicy where I had to jump over something. I think it was an NYU like professor thing. And I had to put my mouth up to a sprinkler. And it was just, I think it was like a falafel that I had. And this was like 2007 or something.

Right. So before COVID, thankfully. Otherwise, who knows what you would have caught? I should have mentioned. that. This was pre-COVID. Yeah, you could put your mouth on a sprinkler head, why not?

Probably feel like going up against a fire hydrant, though, no. It was before Fauci said sprinklers are the, that's how we're getting it. That's how we're spreading it so fast. That and then Tylenol is causing autism. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's all the pieces are coming together. Claritin causes OCD.

Second fun fact. Okay. It says you were once fired from a country club for her sunbathing. Yes. On the job? So my dad got me the job illegal. I was like really young.

Yeah. And this was around the time of the Blair Witch Project. Okay. And so I would walk through the woods a far amount to get to the golf course. And I remember being terrified of the Blair Witch at this point. I think I was fifth grade. So I was being paid under the table by a, yeah, a potentially. Walmart business is in the business of saving you time,

and hassle. Whether your business started in a garage, or is a garage. Walmart business has the tools to help you get where you're going. Tools like free shipping, multi-user accounts, and just about any item your company needs. Even a double filtration cyclone dust

collector. Yep, even that. Sweet. Walmart business. It's the Walmart you love. Now for your business. Learn more at business.com. Terms apply. Run golf course. But it felt. It felt that way.

Okay. And, yeah, it was, it was honestly. You need to walk through the woods to get there when you were Little Red Riding Hood? This was in the 50s. This was in the USSR, Drew, in the 50s. I was a little girl in the U.S. It was before the Berlin Wall fell. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I used to work at this golf course. I would drive the golf carts around. I would get, I would empty the trash and like spill cigar juice, coffee, beer, I would be just completely saturated. And so I would often then take my clothes off and lie on the green and just dry out and sunbatte and just kind of Ferris Bueller it, you know?

Like life moves pretty fast. And eventually, yeah, I think I got fired as a set. I think I worked there from fifth grade to through the end of seventh. Okay. And they were like, you can't stop, like you have to stop being topless. on the greens. Put your tits away, please. And I wouldn't.

And I wouldn't stop. They tried to harsh your mellow. Yeah. I was a greeter, too. I would greet people. They tried to train me as a caddy and it didn't stick. And I was, so I would just kind of like, hello. Any particular reason why I didn't stick being a catty?

I lost one of the men's pitching clubs in like the lake. You lost it? Yeah. How? I was frantic and I misplaced it. And I think it was like a pitching wedge or a sand. wedge. Yeah. And I left it behind in the marsh. And it was the most coveted job. Every, we all wanted to be the caddy at this place. Really? I think it was the first eliminated.

So I was kind of a figurehead position. So you're back on trash and I'll let you know if I get another job for you. And I was, I think it was 10 or 11, like completely illegally. But my dad was like, if we don't, if we don't get this kid a sense of something in this, like capital. and whatever. Right. Like, he's going to be such a problem.

So that was my first job. When I picture your childhood, I literally pictured the little kid in Iron Giant. You never saw Iron Giant, but he's like a very lonely child who hallucinates a gigantic robot. Is this what I'm gleaning from posters?

You know, he just runs into the woods and just finds a friend. Like that's like, I picture your child. Yeah. Is it one of those were in Steg? Yeah.

He's like, get out of you. Just go. Nobody wants you. Seriously. It's like airbud in a jersey. Like, he's in a full jersey. They're like, your head's always in the clouds. It's because you're thinking about your iron giant friend in the woods that you have to save from military destruction.

Yeah, yeah. He's being used as a weapon of mass destruction. It's like you, stop, he's nice. That's literally, give him a chance. That's what I picture your childhood is like He's ugly, but he's cool Yeah Yeah, it was that, it was that

What was your favorite movie as a child? Did you have a favorite movie? Oh my God, my favorite movie Or one that you kept revisiting? Hmm, was he twister? Yeah, the original twister? Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

I actually have. I think I watched that, me and my sister watched that maybe 400 times because it's all about It's all about these freaks finding alternate roads that are parallel to highways. Okay. It's the storm chasers. Yeah.

That's where they got the Glenn Powell wrong. It's not about the tornado. It's about these people being like, I-9, this backstreet goes in. And it's just like way too big a cast. Every, like, I think Janine Garavala, it's like every character actor from 1990 to 2000 is in it. Yeah. Star studded. You cannot keep track of it.

There's way too many characters. And Bill Paxson is making fireable choices. With jeans up to here. Just like, oh, just doing a lot of that. Helen Hunt looking so fresh. I know, Helen Hunt and her prime and Twister. In the wind. In the 90s, they love to put Helen Hunt in the elements.

They loved to, they needed her outside. Fog, rain, wind. Fire. You name it, she's in it. She was, yeah, just getting. What was your favorite movie growing up? I don't know. I had quite a few.

I'm trying to think, like, my family and I, like, we really latched on to movies that, like, when I was a kid, I thought, like, oh, everybody's watching these. Sure. And then when I would talk about them at school, everyone would be like, what the fuck? Like, I don't know what movie you're talking about. So I'm like, oh, okay. Like strange. Yeah, like, well, just, like, ones that, like, my parents loved, and they were like,

you guys are going to love this. And I did. Like, what's one? Uncle Buck. Sure. See, I never saw Uncle Buck,

but I, the pancake thing is in my crotch. You have to watch Uncle Buck. That's like one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah. The humor and it still stands to this day. Like, we watched it during Christmas last year and I was laughing like,

I've never seen it. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love John Candy too. So funny. Yeah.

Just an absolute legend. The Canadians, they're funnier than us. I agree. Yeah. And, you know, it's funny.

The other day I was talking to my fiancee about like, when I was a child, and I already know I'm going to be diagnosed for this, I'm just getting in front of it. When I was a child and growing up, I would like hyper fixate on super specific times in history. Like I was like, I need to learn everything there is to know about this specifically. Oh, wow. And they would always be like catastrophic events or something. So like. Great molasses flood.

Yeah. Like the first one, the dust bowl. Yeah. The first one that I remember hyperfixating on was the Titanic. Sure. I was just like, I need to know. everything there is to know about this. To the point where, like, my mom was getting me books about the Titanic for my birthday.

Like, I was going to the library and I was checking out books on the Titanic. Like I was like, I have to study up on this. As if someone was going to ask me. You were locking up the library. Yeah, like I was closing it out. I'm like, I'll lock up. Yeah. You're six.

Yeah. I'm nine, by the way. And I remember. Was it because of the film or is it? No, no. See, like, that's the funny. This is before the movie came out, really. I think, if I remember correctly.

You were just really seduced by the hubris of man. Yes, exactly. I'm not even kidding exactly. And I used to think, man, people really did that shit. Like, I would read it and I'd be like, oh, my God. Like, I was just so blown away by the logistics of it and also like the classism of it. The fact that they had never done anything like that before, just all of it was so fascinating to me. To the point where also when I saw the movie Titanic for the first time, I was so unmoved by it because I was like, they're not even focusing on the interesting parts.

I was so like This couple's fucking And there's a lot of other stuff going on Yeah Like I felt so like Almost short changed by the lack of information About the real Titanic When I watched it for real

I was like So you really did the summer reading before Yeah I was like I guess it's fine Like I guess it was good Yeah When I watched Titanic They didn't really talk about the captain though and also the engineering crew

So Well the captain He is a child played by What's that guy? Andrew I forget his name But I see his face face in my head. Yeah. Legally blonde too as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Legally won two, red, white and blue. I loved how he, I loved how he was, he was, I think there was a point in Titanic where he was asking Kate Winslet what they should do. He was like, hey, do you have any advice on what we? Yeah, let me ask this middle class woman. Let me ask a passenger. Mind you, they don't give a fuck about women at the time. So I was like, well, that's not true. So, Oh yeah. That was just me, me fact checking watching it. I'm like, there's just no way. And I remember I even asked my mom, is that couple real? And she said, no, and I go, I knew it. Yeah. Like me thinking about it. I was like, they didn't track any personal accounts of those people. So you couldn't even enjoy it. No. Not at all. I was like, that's why I feel like I've been a 90 year old man like my whole life. Like that, that movie tore my generation's hearts. Like we just, the way we bled tears in that. It's, oh my God. Another one I focused on too was like just general English monarchy like all of like especially like 16th to like 18th century. Oh shit. I was just so fascinated by how they moved and what all the awful things they did and all the shit they had to do.

Holding papions all the time. Yeah. Like shit in the corner at parties. Like I just found that fascinating. They were doing that? Yeah. Like in Versailles they would throw these like huge parties and like they had no running water like you know what I mean like indoor plumbing. So they would just if they had to go take a shit throw up whatever they just go do it in a corner.

in the same room they're partying in. Like Burning Man. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Early Burning Man, right? And I would like study that kind of stuff just for fun. Like I was just like, wow, fascinating. Like the Habsburgs.

Have you ever heard about the Habsburgs? No, what's the Habsburg? There's like something called the Habsburg jaw, which is like a literal, it's like a phenotypic, like almost deformity that was because there was so much inbreeding in Spain. Okay. And like to the point where they extinguished their own bloodline because each generation was more and more fucked up because there was so much inbreeding. Until there was no more. Yeah, until there was until they just disappeared into the air. They flew

off into the sky like the Iron Giant. You know what? They disappeared. So what's the jaw? What's the how, what is this? Well, it's a Habsburg jaw is literally like a jaw that like protrudes out and it's very pointy and very long. Barracuda style. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Like the eels and the little mermaid. Yeah. Oh,

Flawson and Jetson? Yeah. Serious underbite action. That's what was going on there. And it was fascinating to me. I was like, I have to learn everything there is to know about this. To the point where, like, also in fifth grade, I had to do like a wax museum project. What? It's like, you know, like Madame Tussaud's. Oh, of course.

Yeah, so we had to do like basically pick a figure in history that we admired. And steal it from Adam Tussaud. And go and steal it. Yeah. Yeah. And then we'd get into the fraternity. We succeeded. Yeah.

Fun. Yeah. So then we had to pick someone and then like do a whole report on them and then like dress up like them and then like pretend we were statues and then recite our like monologues. And I love to get in drag. So like obviously I was I was so fired up about it. But I picked King George. King George the third. King George. Yeah. Literally. Well, that's how I probably said it because I was 10. You were in a character. Yeah. You were doing the music. Yeah. And I was the only one who cross dressed. So I was the only one who dressed as a boy. Yes. And it was so concerning to my teacher that

she called my mom and was like, I really don't know. Like if she knows and my mom was like, is this against the rules? And she said, no, and she's like, they just let her do it. So I did. She was pissed or she was concerned about how much, how much passion you brought to it? Yeah, well, and also the fact that it was supposed to be someone you admired. And I picked him, and he's one of the worst English monarchs in history. Got it. What are some of his sins?

I was just going through, well, he was just a terrible leader. Like, he drove them into bankruptcy, like led them into wars. They didn't win. Like, was awful. Just an awful ruler. It's like coming in as Genghis Khan. Yeah, exactly. They're like, well, you know.

I'm Lucifer. And like that was my whole, my whole thing was about how terrible he was. Oh, cool. I was a terrible king. Like, that was like how I started it. So you were presenting. Yeah, I was being honest in the reporting of it all. I just don't know why that was the thing I had to do.

I mean, I feel like medically I know, but like, maybe just like, socially I'm not sure. But like I genuinely just didn't. Drew is 30. She loves. Yeah. Yeah. I just didn't give a fuck. I was like, well.

King George. Yeah. King George III. She dislikes her French bulldogs throwing up a little bit. Yeah. Everybody else was like, like Betsy Ross or like, you know what I mean? People who are like. Molly pitcher.

Yeah. Well. Yeah. I mean, I could have been John Candy. I should have been. Yeah. History to me. I, my brain.

I can't cause and effect. I can't understand it. I can't. I can never. They just tell you and you're like probably. I don't get it. I don't get how something leads to another. That's kind of, that's fair.

It's so strange. Well, I think when I, in my adult brain now, I think looking back, like everything, the one commonality, all those things, the faces I had were they were like almost like the hubris of man or like white people being white. Like I was just so fascinating. I was like, they just really be doing this shit. Like they just make these terrible decisions. Like I think that's why the English market was so fascinating to me because I'm like, these people were just born. and they're like well that person's in charge of you now right that's a baby by the way but it's in charge of you now and then they're and everyone's like all right so the the patriarchy eating itself

has always been yeah it's just right if anything it all tracks if you look like yeah it all tracks it all adds up the downfall of man to the way i am now too yeah like what essentially blew me up in the first place applauding men disgracing themselves yeah or just pointing it out being like just pointing it out. Has anyone ever thought about how crazy this is? And cackling. Yeah. At the same time. Yes. And having a ball while I'm doing it. Yes. Of course. I have more fun facts about you.

This one says one time your Airbnb host texted you who's your daddy. This is a Bose moment. You've been there before. Somebody's apartment, small talk that's going nowhere, plastic cup that's almost empty. It's not great. Then someone hits play on a Bose speaker. Heads nod, feet, tap, one person dances than everyone does. Awkward becomes electric. When Bose sound fills the room, you don't just hear the music. You feel it. Your life deserves music. Your music deserves Bose. Find your perfect product at Bose.com.

Well, yes. I could read you the whole text. Okay, yeah, please do. I'd love to know. It was complicated. So I was throwing one of my classic bachelorette parties. I think I remember it actually. Okay. Oh my God, you have it. Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay. Oh, perfect. So I was throwing about, I had just done an oil painting of my friend Alicia who's getting married. She's an oboe player, so she's playing the oboe in it. And I'm like getting the place ready. Oh, your phone is blown up. You're getting a lot of, a lot of tags.

This is a good prop for the Halloween set. Someone just wrote. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay. So we're in this. we're in this house and I just I wrote to him Enoch I said the place is beautiful what a house exclamation mark

he wrote back thanks you man take your shoes off kick your feet up grab a crystal glass and dining room pour yourself some wine lay back near the fireplace with your feet up and look at your friends and say to them exclamation mark who's your daddy question mark question mark question mark question mark exclamation mark exclamation mark yeah so I then dropped the phone when I received this and I don't know why he wanted me to be so confrontational.

That's also like, that's a lot of instructions. I know. He wanted me to be in a very Bert Reynolds type of position and say something very antagonistic to my dear friend. To your lady friends. Yes. Yeah. Who's your dad?

And go ahead and get, and also make sure you, what if it was just a chore list? Take off your shoes, sweep the porch. Also make sure you take out the trash. Make sure you go help yourself to lick her and say who's your daddy. Say, who's your daddy? And obviously, I did not abide by this. And there was another Airbnb where I was in Denver. Okay.

People in Denver don't give a fuck. Denver's crazy and haunted. Ambition. It's got a very strange energy about it. You feel your ambition going away when you go to Denver. Yeah. I had to take care of a pit bull in my Airbnb in Denver. Why?

Because I went in the kitchen and there's a doggy door and I hear a thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. And Mr. Ed style, there is a pit bull sticking his head over the doggy door. And I couldn't get a hold of anybody, so I was just kind of like, I guess I'm in custody of this pit bull for a week in Denver in 2017. What if he was the owner of the Airbnb? He was running. It was his house that you came, you went into apparently. He was happy. Happy to see you.

I gave a water. It was fun. Denver's crazy. Denver is so weird. Like I went there a few months ago for a show thing for work and it was like, my friend here was telling us it's like haunted. Like their airport is like haunted. What? Yeah.

A haunted airport. Yeah, I said, really? And then they also have that weird statue of a bronco. Did you see that on the way to the airport? It's like a big blue horse. You know that like 40 miles stretch from the airport to civilization? Yeah. Oh my God.

It's horrible. That's why on that drive there's like a rearing bronco that's like fluorescent blue and has red eyes. The whole thing is all. It's very haunted. Yeah. It felt like going, you know like did you ever watch Wanda Vision? No. I was supposed to.

This joke would kill if you watched Fonda Vision, but like there's basically like this force field around it that's making it, like she's trapping the whole town in there. And when you go in, you go into whatever reality she's projecting at the time. That's how I felt going into Denver. I was like whatever, whatever force field I passed,

I'm in it now. Like, whatever's here. It's just jam bands and a lot of different shades of sage green hatchbacks. Yeah. They're discovering new shades of green for cars. Yeah, oh my Denver. Oh my God.

And also I felt like walking in the city, it felt like there was no noise, but there's lots of people. Well, downtown, why do they, they don't need a downtown. They're not doing, like, what are they? It's Denver. Yeah, what are they? It's all just Denver. Like a, like a, what's, like a tiger bomb that like doesn't hurt the balls? It's like all these bros.

things that are like okay guys that's very true honestly I did see a lot of bros groups of bros oh my god in a constant state of bachelor parties yeah with the shorts down to here oh my god and they would be going to Denver honestly would be going to Denver for whatever

fucking reason yeah okay this other fun fact says you used to be an SAT tutor I did oh my god smarty pants I moved out here well I I would mostly just kind of I would tutor like I tutored twin girls in Seal Beach for a while and I would and I would just get them to kind of gossip about the other for like and then run the clock. That was kind of my job for a while. But then I would teach classes SATs. And just kind of same thing. Yeah. Just gossiping. But no I I but then I did take it pretty seriously and I was I there was a physical challenge element. I was like and I would challenge one of them to a race up like at one time like up a hill and they always beat me. It was like it was very. It was very.

There was a whole thing of it. Any particular reason or just like, you think you could be in a race? Just to spice it up because you can see like after six hours. And it was like, all right. Like if you do this, like we'll do a physical challenge. Okay. And I'll race your fastest. And I never even came close to beating them at all.

Yeah. What a fun teacher. Oh, I was a blast. I think that sounds fun. Me and a tank top at 22 in like Redondo. Get out of here. Hair uncut. Oh my God.

I just saw two guys from Denver. Really? on Cape Cod and one of the guys was like you and I man we got something common neither of us have paid for a haircut in a long time and I was like I pay tons for this I pay so much money for this this is not a don't find community with me on that no yeah speak for yourself oh sorry dude but yeah no I wasn't I wasn't SAT tutor yeah I could have tutored you but no you were Riverside That's true and you are significantly older than me So that would be possible I did I took the SATs and the ACTs to go to college And I fucking heard they don't even have to do it anymore

What's the ACT is about marine biology? No it's like it's literally a different version of the SAT Out of 36 or something creepy Yeah it's like yeah the the top score I think is like a 30 Like they measure it like it's like 10 to 30 or something like that I don't even fucking remember but I got a 26 clock it great and on my SAT I got a 1750 great not bad not bad at all no those are good numbers listen is what it is what was your essay about I genuinely don't remember sure if I'm being real

yeah I did though in in high school I took AP classes yeah and so I took AP tests and one time someone said what's something you wish people asked you more about and I said my AP test scores totally very proud of those I got a two on the music theory We had to cite sing music to this in front of a guidance counselor. Right. I had to be like, a fallah, like sitting next to this guy named Dan Glover. He was this like ripped coach. And I had to, I see me knee, a lotti-to.

And I got a two out of, I bought it so bad. I don't think it was impossible. I did so badly on all those. Was the judge of Simon Cowell? He said, no. Yeah. Yeah. What were your AP scores?

I on my Econ one I got a four it was like economics and government on AP comp I got a five damn yeah yeah at AP lit I got a five damn and the only one I didn't pass was A push I got a two A push what's A push U S history AP US history I was like maybe I wasn't taught correctly I thought A push was one of The black eyed peas then I would have aced it if that was the case I remember two my AP comp test score I got a five And then I went to class like the following week or whatever because you know you take them at the end of the year And then you have like another week of like nothing classes like before you go to summer and I remember my teacher was like oh did anybody get a five and it was me and the kid who was valedictorian of my class like my year And then she was like you got a five and then I go yeah

Why would I lie about that like that would be so humiliating if I just lied for no reason she didn't believe you no and then I had to show I showed her my score on like the little envelope they gave me. Oh my God. Yeah. She was like, oh, yes, it was. She was like, what was her name? Her name was Mrs. Garcia. And it's ironic because the next time I saw her, which was like the last day of school,

she wrote me a letter of recommendation for college. How they come calling back. This girl's going somewhere. But I remember being very proud of the five. I, fuck if I know what I wrote about. I don't remember. Probably Moby Dick. Probably.

Or The Odyssey, Iliad, something like that. Who's your favorite, Moabee? did character three two one the whale quig quig okay I don't even know quig quig was the punk he was the harpoonist

yeah he had gauges I think I remember when I was in AP literature my senior year of high school we learned about and read Dante's Inferno oh damn yeah we learned about I read it did a bunch of shit on it and I remember there was a girl that I was friends with at the time and I'm not friends with anymore

but for what will become obvious reasons but we she had started during Dante's Inferno? She just had started really getting into Christianity at the time in a way that I wasn't finding or vibing with, really. And so like I started getting a little bit worse as time went on. And she started dating a youth pastor who was 21 and we were 17, right? Yeah.

Can't be doing that. Her mom was also. We can't be doing that. Her mom was also racist. But that's besides the point. So we were learning about Dante's Inferno. I remember we did the seven circles of hell. Yes.

And we got like a worksheet. And we made, she like wanted us to make our own. own seven circles of hell. First one is Tampa. The jet blue wing of the J of JFK Airport. Terminals. The terminal. Terminal.

Yeah, the jet blue terminal. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And I remember she put in the very center, which is of course the worst, right? Yeah.

She put premarital sex. I remember that so distinctly because I was like, it at even at 17, I'm like, you think that's the worst thing I could do. And I literally told her, what if I killed your mom in front of you? Yeah. Is that not a terrible thing to do? She's like, right, but, you know. And that was, I remember thinking, we're not going to be friends for much longer.

Pre-marital sex being- Murder, right after that. That's someone who's so aware of the audience of like writing it for God to see. You don't believe. Just in case he's watching. Just in case. Just in case. That is.

What is the tightest circle in Dante's inferring? I honestly don't remember. Yeah. If I'm being real, I don't remember. It's probably something surprising, like envy. Yeah. It's probably something where you go, oh. Yeah, you're like, oh, well.

That's not that bad. Yeah. Dante's Inferno. Yeah, it's pretty intense. Yeah. It was an intense read. Wow. That's why I just so distinctly remember being violently irritated by her.

After that, I was like, you think that's the worst thing you can do. How well? Are we talking seniors in high school? Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, for real. And what's even worse is the year, that same school year, because that was towards the end of the year, like, during Christmas time, she invited me to a New Year's Eve party. And I didn't really go to many parties in high school because I was an athlete. I never had like time to do anything. And I had time. But I got invited to two. And one was hers and one was a different girl. And the other one was going to be way more fun. But she was like, fuck. So I guess I got to go to hers. So I went to hers. And she said, it's going to be so good. Mind you, like, the Christian shit was like creeping in at the time. It wasn't like, Fulia face. There was a Christian leak.

Yeah. Yeah. Like it was starting to seep into the walls, right? Yeah. Yeah. And then when I got there, no kids from school, just me and like two other girls that I knew that we were all friends. All church people, all her parents' church friends, that

youth pastor she was dating. And they were playing water pong in the garage. What's water pong? It's exactly what it sounds like. It's beer pong, but with no alcohol. It's just water. I like it. They're all like 20-year-old white dudes with that high and tight haircut. And they're all wearing like those brown rosaries.

You know what I'm saying? Like they have a Henley top on and those chubby shoes. Like that kind of youth pastor, hair just swooped to high health. Jimmy Neutron. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And just the gummiest smiles you could think of. Drinking dangerous amounts of water. Yeah.

And they're like, oh, it's getting so lit in the garage. I remember thinking to myself, this is the word. I could not have made. a worst decision. And then they had a Scrabble tournament with all the oldies. And I did participate in the Scrabble tournament, but. Scrabble is nice. Yeah.

And mind you, I'm wearing, like, what I thought was like my cutest outfit at the time. And I'm sitting here playing Scrabble across from your fucking dad. No. What is going on? No, no. What are we doing? No. And I was sitting and I was like, you said this was going to be fun.

This is not fun. She also thinks premarital sex is the center. Right. That was like, and then I was like, well, now this Dante's Inferno. worksheet is putting all the pieces together for me. That was the first, yeah. You should have put post marital sex as the, it's the center. The worst thing you can do.

I put Christianity in the center. I think post marital sex is, is the tightest circle in Dantes. It has to be. Yeah. At that point. Yeah. What else could be in there? How do you get from one ring to the next?

You just keep committing sins and you get up on a different rotary. Yeah, it's like the further in you go. Yeah. Yeah. So it was just, it felt more like a murder thing. like, you know, like embezzling, like, I don't know, what are awful things to do. I feel like murder is kind of the worst. Yeah.

If I had to guess. Yeah. Like, I was like, I can't even think of enough crimes. I just know there's one that's worse than premarital sex. There's at least one. Yeah. Even trespassing, I think, is probably a little worse. Jaywalking is probably worse.

Jaywalking, way worse. You put that right in the center. Yeah. Then I would have been like, I mean, you're dumb, but at least not annoying. You know what I mean? Right. Did you go to know what question? Huh?

Where'd you go? University of Hawaii. University of Hawaii. And you were a journalism major. My God. Yeah. That's badass. I honestly didn't think I was going to work there at all because it didn't appeal

to me at the time. But one of my girlfriends who was also working at the paper at the time, we had talked about it. And I was like, I need clips like to get a job. Clips. Clips are like all the articles you write and just to show what kind of writer you are and all that. And I was like, shit.

I probably should join so I could get clips. and that's why I did. Damn. And I became the sports editor at my school newspaper. Holy shit. Yeah, I worked my way up. So you know sports? Yes, I do.

I would say pretty well, but at this point, I've been doing this for so long that. The Mona Lisa. My modem's wiped. You know what I mean? Like, I'm doing this dumbass shit every day that I'm like, sports, what are those? But if you had to at a sports bar, you could make it work. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's cool.

Yeah, I know, like my main sports I covered. were like football, men's basketball, baseball. Also, like, I said in my interview when I interviewed to work at the paper, just as a writer, they asked me what my favorite sports were I told them. And then they were like, any sports, you're not that, you know, keen on covering. And I said, like, I explicitly said, I don't know a lot about baseball. And I also fucking hate watching it. Like, it's boring to me.

And they were like, okay, great. Then I got hired. And then that was my beat was baseball. I had to cover it for like months. Sounds like a hazing thing. Right. I felt so. And even when I would tell my friend who was my boss at the time, he was like, you said that you loved baseball.

No, I fucking didn't. I know I didn't say that because I hate it. And I said, I mean, I could learn to cover it. You could learn to love it. Oh, and of course when I went, like, every time I went, they would go to fucking 27 innings. Like, every fucking time I went. Like, they just couldn't. They had to go to all 12 every fucking time.

And they take their time with it. Oh, my God. And they're so weird. Like, baseball players are so fucking weird and not in the fun, whimsical way. No, they're weird in a very, like, off-putting, strange way. Yeah. And so every time I went, I'd have to go like, oh, like. You would talk to them.

Yeah, you have to because you have to get quotes. Oh, my God. So you would, like, can I ask a couple questions for the paper? You're in the dugout. Yeah. So, yeah. And I would talk to the coach and all that stuff. And then like.

Is it cozy down there? In the dugout? Yeah. No, it stinks and everybody's weird. Yeah. That's what I was like, I used to, like, when I would cover it, like, I would go to post-game press conferences, so I would, like, sit in the little rooms. where they like wait for them to come in and then you're like um how do you feel about

whatever i did all that shit oh my god i was very like peter parker and spider man but like i wasn't taking pictures of spider man i was just covering sports yeah the only question i would ask would be are you planning on stealing any bases anytime soon anytime soon yeah if time permits how likely are you to steal well that's another thing too is like i always wanted to do very silly whimsical questions like that. Sure. And they were like, yeah, no, this is journalism, so no whimsy required here. What's under the mound?

How do you get it so high? I think I saw a guy under there. Did you guys see that? Then I just start rumors like you did at your cousin's wedding. That's what I'm talking about. It's just going to start rumors. The power of the rumor mill. What else does it say on your Wikipedia?

I don't. That's none of my business. I don't want to know It's too stressful I'm going to go in there and donate $25 So that I can alter it But I'm just going to write out the plot of Iron Giant Totally please

As like early life under early life I'm going to put that in there Yeah just the plot Not even mentioning Iron Giant No no no no just describe it very vaguely Like as if someone's reading it on letterbox A lonely boy befriending Refriended this

An aberration What was to be used as a war machine Yeah No I like that No, my Wikipedia, it's like, it's like fans trying to help, but only hurting is what it is. I get some of that. Causing harm. Yeah, I get some of that.

Yeah. It's like when people defend you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got one recently that was like, she never said she was a good person. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, yeah. That's not true. That's not what I said.

I said, no, no, no. I said I wasn't a nice person. I am a good person. That distinction matters. That is so, yeah. This is why I'm so afraid of being eulogized by anybody. Like, people are going to keep fucking up things like that. It's all right.

Until the day we die. You should write it yourself that way they know what's recite. Yeah. You think I should write my own Wikipedia? No, your own eulogy. Totally. Yeah. Just have it prepared and be like, do not deviate no ad living whatsoever.

Staff writer at FSU. Yeah. Little boy and Iron Giant. Yeah, all of that. Yeah. Add it all in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you have anything else you want to, you would like to add before we close? I appreciate you having me here for Halloween and for the solstice, and I congratulate you on the augmentation of your staff. Thank you. You have such a, such a crew here. It has expanded greatly since the last time.

Oh, your empire is growing. Including the pads. The amount of pads has also increased. The pads is even more alt-left than last time. The amount of pads in the bathroom. We have to be way more explicit about being all left now. It's like the Scrooge McDuck, but with Tampax pearls, kind of swimming around in the bathroom.

It's really nice. And not to mention the maxi pads, which you don't see very often. That's true. Yes. Speaking of maxi pads, you're also going on tour. Kind of. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you want to tell me about your tour? Well, I think by this point, November 15th in New York, Carnegie Hall. Yes. Carnegie Hall. Yeah. How fucking cool. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you, Drew. The same way you're not paying attention to me, I'm also not paying attention to you, clearly. Now, I'm honored to have you on the show again. Thank you, like I said you, you're my favorite guest. Thank you, Drew. And you can tell Caleb I said that. He's been on like three times. I'm, I will text Caleb that. I saw him in the minions outfit on here and I think of that. That's one of the things I see before. See, that was on Caleb's. Before drifting off. Yeah, you just imagine it. Yeah. That's true. That's very true. Yeah. But we have a mutual love in Caleb, so it works. When you were on my show, he was like, I'm so happy I could cry.

Seeing you on my show. Seeing me on yours? Yeah, when Caleb saw that you came on my show. He was like, I'm so happy I could cry. He's the best. He's the best. I did his podcast when it was still in that like courthouse. Did you ever go there?

Yes, I did. Oh, my God. With the yellow curtain and everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was wild. The loudest audio and the yellowest lighting. I love it.

Yeah. We were on the ground floor. Johnist. Completely. Yeah, we were. Yeah. There were actually lost files of our original episodes. Like, there are lost files of that.

Then we had to re-record. Lost files? Yeah, that was when we went into the courthouse room. That's like where they settled like divorce disputes in the little room. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it was crazy. That's where you settle like lawsuits in there.

Yeah. It's very true. And it was just like him. Chance. And a mystery man. Yeah, I think there was. Who else was there? No, no, no, no, no. He's talking about the original one.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. The original, the OG. It was like this far from the road. Like you entered the building and like cars are whizzing by you. It's very true. He has come a long way since then. He has, yes. He has. And he's forgotten all about us. That's fucked up. Oh, I'll never hear from him again. Hopefully. Here's hoping. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming on again.

Thank you. the fucking best. You're the fucking best. I really do think, oh wait, before we leave, I'll tell you this. I did lay claim to your brain should anything happen to you. You want it? Yes, I would like to have it. Okay. Who gets the nose? Okay. That's like really

genuinely horrifying and I'm really glad that this is blocking me because that's genuinely horrifying. I was like... Has that been going on? Yeah. Oh my God. She's been tweaking up there. Who the hell is controlling that thing? They've been playing these twisted psychological games with us. Yeah, mind you, we filmed one today,

and I had no idea that thing could move. I think my chair's been getting a little higher. We're going to look down. There's going to be spikes beneath our feet at a certain point. Beneath is a dramatic, dramatic word to end on beneath. Thank you. Thank you, Drew, for having me.

Oh, my gosh. You're so welcome. Thank you for coming back. You're the best. I think you're awesome. Do you have any words of wisdom for anybody? Yeah, stay safe. Stay safe.

Stay calm. and keep inhaling. No, no exhales. Exactly. Perfect. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you all so much for tuning in. Don't forget new episodes of the comments section.

Come out every Wednesday. You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms, but the video lives for free and exclusively on our favorite platform, Spotify. Thank you so much for my amazing guest, Chris Fleming. Make sure you follow him on everything. Go see him on tour. He's the funniest person to ever live. And I'll see you all next week.

Bye. Bye.