The Creep Off - Creeps' N Roses: #1 Minimum Maximum Effort

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Vinnie lost and the wheel has spoken so sit back and enjoy! In this inaugural episode Vinnie & Pj Philliam join forces to create the most useless podcast ever! This week we learn the rules and get to know the star of season #25 the Bachelor himself Matt James

I'm going to give them the same effort Carl would give. Well, it seems like he gives varying degrees of effort. I am not going to give the Bachelor the same level of respect or the same level of effort that Carl gives a shitty podcast. Yeah, why would you do that? So, uh, let's start this fucking show, all right? Welcome to Creep's and Roses with Vinny and P.J. We're talking about The Bachelor because Vinny needs to pay. Lots of bitchy girls.

Who want to see that dick We didn't want to do this podcast But car is a prick The Bachelor Let's discuss the Bachelor With PJ and with Vinny Vinny

We've got roses We've got creeps Welcome to the inaugural episode of creeps and roses My name is Vinnie Paulino My co-hosts for this Mr. PJ Phileum How are you doing tonight, Pige? I'm doing good

ready to talk some bachelor. Merriam Webster's Dictionary defines a bachelor as a young knight who follows the banner of another, a person who has received a degree from a college, university, or professional school, usually after

four years of study, Bachelor of Arts, for example. The degree itself received a Bachelor of Laws. 3A. An unmarried man, he chooses to remain a bachelor. B, a male animal such as a fur seal without a mate during breeding time.

That's not a real answer to understanding what The Bachelor is. A single guy, okay, I get that. There's no seal. So I did double the research that Carl would do, and I googled it twice, Pige. And The Bachelor apparently is an American Dating and Relationship Reality Television series that debuted 2002 on ABC, and it's hosted by a guy named Chris Harrison. Wait, is that what you're talking about? I thought it was the seal one.

That's why I said, yeah, I'm an expert on that. Me and my wife, we love watching seals all the time. Just lonely Bachelor SEALs with no prospects. You and your wife watch that? Yeah, I mean, we have a membership at the local zoo. Hot, whatever gets you two through the night. PJ, this show is terrible so far. The Bachelor?

Yeah. This podcast. This podcast, mainly the podcast. So I don't know anything about this show. I'm going into this fresh. This episode today, ladies and gentlemen, this first episode is going to be about the show itself. We're going to learn a little bit about it and I'm going to get some information from PJ so I could start watching season 25 fresh at the beginning and know what I'm watching because that's going to be the hard thing for me is getting into this to understand what the fuck is going on. I know that there's women.

I know that there's a single guy. I know that they give them flowers. Do I need to know anything past that, PJ? Yeah, I was about to ask as a new rookie member of Bachelor Nation what you thought you knew about the show. But you pretty much got it. Like, that's pretty much all I know about the show, too. You watch every single episode, right?

I've watched every single episode since whichever season Colton Underwood was. Remember that season? No. I fucking don't. Colton Underwood? Yeah, it was really, it was actually really funny. because he had by far the hottest chick that's ever been on the show and he picked some other chick over her and then he stalked her after she broke up with him like cold and underwood

number one sounds like a fake name and cold and underwood sounds like a guy who also sees a shrink so these girls they show up at a house right yeah this year in season 25 the year they were covering apparently they have the most female contestants they've ever had is that accurate i think So I think I heard that there's over 30 women. Normally, I think there's between like 25 and 30. Right. I counted like 37, if I have this right. The age groups here.

The youngest girl is 21. The oldest is 32. And all of these women are, you would say, attractive, right? They don't put any normal. They don't put a normal human. There's not a normal human on this show. Yes, yes, there are. There are women who I would immediately kick out night one.

Really? Yes. There's a woman who's still on the show. Oh, that's a spoiler. Sorry, I don't mean to spoil anything. There's a specific woman named Serena. She's the Asian Serena, not the other one. I don't know.

What? They go by like their last initial, but she's, she wears way too much, uh, like, she has, like, fake eyelashes and it makes her face look all fucked up. So, like, most of these women are- out for that? Yeah, most of these women are at least a seven, but she's like a five. Well, I guess when you're the bachelor and you're the star, of a show like this, you really can have whatever fucking criteria you want.

I don't know what you would do, but like, let's say your first night there, you immediately get rid of all the not super hot chicks, right? Try to get to know their personalities. I mean, but it's one night. You got to get rid of them. That's what happens. So the first night, they all get in there. And then by the end of the episode, they're getting rid of people.

You're just kicking all the ugly chicks, right? No, no, I'm not. I'm going wildcard. I'm going to do what I would do if I went into prison. I'm going to find the best looking girl there, the one who everybody thinks is the shoe in, and I'm going to throw her out first. Yeah, I'm going to declare dominance. That's my strategy. The one time. I want them all. I want them all to fucking know. You're all on notice here.

Looks ain't going to get you past the first ceremony. Yeah, the one 10 out of 10, because most of them are like seven and eights. And then there's always one chick who's just way hotter than the rest. I'd be happy with the five. Give me a five. Sevens and eight's great. I have the contestant that you're really like. She's Asian and she has fake eyelashes that make her face look absolutely horrible.

And her eyes are like way too far apart. She kind of looks like she's borderline Down syndrome space on her eyes. I kind of might let her go. When you say that. Do you add pictures of any of these women? No, I'm not looking at any of them yet. I'm going to wait until I watch episode one. You haven't watched episode one?

What? No, I just want to learn about the show. I'm asking you questions. I want to go into it. Okay. Great show prep, Vinnie. I did my show prep. I read the fucking Miriam Webster's dictionary, and I read Wikipedia.

That's how you podcast. That is how you podcast. I listened to an hour-long podcast with an interview with Matt James, the least interesting person of all time to be The Bachelor. And I was bored out of my mind for an hour prepping the show, and you haven't even watched one episode. I saw clips. he saw clips okay i watch clips i'm starting to think that you're not devoted to the bachelor universe and this podcast i needed to talk to you to understand what's going on on the show before i jump in okay my first question is they have these rose ceremony first round how many do they get rid of

i have no idea what do you mean what do you mean what i mean i mean i just want to know the rules I don't know the rules I just watch it to watch the women yell at each other and call each other Like slut ho stuff like that I don't watch it to do math I'm not counting how many roses They're giving away and then subtracting

I gotta do a serious show about this The first thing you want to ask is How many roses they give out Not like the premise of the show What is The Bachelor Right now it seems like you're confused If The Bachelor is a show about a guy who wants to have sex with a bunch of women

or if it's a bunch of SEAL. I still have questions, but apparently I'm not asking the right questions. Yeah, so let me explain the Bachelor for our audience. All right. Okay, so the Bachelor, which is the TV show, not SEALs, not

something in college, it's a show where 20 to 30, apparently 37 women this year try to increase their social media presence by pretending to fall in love with a guy. They barely get to talk to over six week period and then one woman ends up getting stuck with the bachelor and then like they live together in a house for a few weeks and then they travel around the world but now that there's COVID they're

all just stuck in some resort in the magical world of Pennsylvania what a what a romantic place to be for six weeks all these women show up right this guy has to call out to get to the one why do they always why is this guy always talking about I'm going to find my wife is that just drama PJ? How scripted is this fucking show? That's a question that's highly debated in the Bachelor nation, as we call ourselves, us diehard Bachelor fans.

So there's speculation about how real it is. I mean, real relationships do develop out of this. Like, there's definitely couples that have stayed together and gotten married enough kids. But the whole premise of the show is supposed to be that it ends with an engagement, like someone gets engaged in the final episode.

Ew! But the thing is, they don't do that anymore. Like, they're supposed to, but what happens is they're always like, this is too fast for me, which, like, no shit. That's the reason why you're on a TV show, though. The show's got 25 fucking seasons. No shit, it's too fast. Pretty much everyone's broken up because surprise, surprise, getting to talk to someone a few times a week for six weeks and then getting engaged isn't a recipe for a healthy relationship that lasts a long time. Yeah, yeah, a relationship based on the man being the prize at the end.

I can see why it might not work out. That used to be the premise, but now it's social media. It's literally these people just come on the show so that then they get to be on national TV. Then they pretend like they like the guy. And then they all yell about, you're here for the wrong reasons, which they all are. They're all just there for social media. And then one of them, sometimes they actually fall in love. But then, like last season, this one guy, he accidentally was too attractive and cool.

So the woman ended the show early and just was like, you're my guy. And then he cheated on her and they broke up. that guy he was too cool like he was like basically in her mind the perfect guy so she just ended the show and she's like I found my soulmate this is just a waste of time and then turns out he wasn't her soulmate because she only knew him for like two weeks

what would you say is like the success rate overall in the seasons that you've watched where there's been like a happy long-term relationship that comes out of it what would you guess like the percentages so I think in total that means I've watched like six seasons um the most recent one that just ended they're still together but that ended like like the show ended like a month ago so I don't know when they actually record it so at least one at least one is still together okay 90% failure rate we'll say and the real kicker is you think that he's having sex with all these women no he

only gets to have sex with three of them at the end what is that a rule like right before he's supposed to have sex with or get engaged to them he does like a fantasy sweet thing is what they call it which is they get a night to themselves with no cameras and it's like a very romantic thing so they have the option to just have sex with all of them and then get engaged like what do you have to play like a card or something do you have like is it a game like that you're like i'm gonna put down my sex card it actually is kind of they like have dinner and then he pulls it they pull out an envelope and they're like hey so if you want to we can go back to the fantasy suite And then she's just, like, soaking wet by that point because she's had no physical contact with a man besides with this guy for six weeks.

Interesting. Especially with this season, because they're literally just trapped in that resort. Like, they can't go anywhere because, like, normally there's some tension broken by all the travel. But these women are just constantly catty to each other and, like, hating each other for six weeks straight with no break. The relationships that are important, you're saying, is the relationships between the women. not so much the relationships with the Bachelor. Would you say that's correct? Yeah, if the Bachelor is on the screen, it's boring.

You ought to wait until the Bachelor's not on the screen. And then you're like, all right, this is when the women call each other names and stuff. Yeah, he seems fine. Like, I don't know anything about this guy, but he doesn't seem like anybody too exciting. What does, uh, can we talk about him now? Can you tell me about this guy? Yeah, so I figured because this is creeps and roses, I have a bunch of reasons why he's a creeps. But, like, a quick rundown of him is he's the first Black Bachelor, and he went to college at Wake Forest and tried to make the NFL in football, but he failed miserably, never even made a practice squad.

And then he was poor and lived in New York, and then he was just friends with the right people. And now he's the Bachelor. You're talking like the guy who made the practice squad. Shut the fuck up, PJ. Hey, the previous bachelor, Colton Underwood, he made the practice squad. That was a real football player. He never actually played in a game. Good for him.

Yeah, so he claims to be the first black bachelor, but actually the little scandal that I just discovered by listening to the hour-long podcast is he's actually only half black. He's half white. Can you believe that? Isn't he just allowed to be whatever he wants to be? I bet he said the full N-word, even though he's only entitled to half of it. So that's the first reason he's creep, because he says the N-word, but he's only allowed to say half of it. But you don't know that. I'm speculating

I'm All right Okay What's your next reason Yeah my next reason is He wears his roommate's underwear Come again Next

He wears his roommate's underwear I guess like to do like a ha ha funny prank on his friends He'll just like take his clean underwear out of his dresser drawer Not like new underwear It's just like clean that's been washed underwear And he'll just wear his underwear And I'm not And that's not a lie

And these women are fighting for this guy I think that came out afterwards in a podcast. I'm 95% sure that's real. You think that you should, you would think the producers would weed that out. They'd be like, hey, get rid of this guy.

Yeah, it's funny too, because this show ends in engagement. And meanwhile, this guy is like, wearing his buddy's underwear as a prank. Also, supposedly he,

when he works out to annoy his buddy, he'll like hang his dirty clothes in his friend's bathroom to make his bathroom stinky while his room isn't stinky. so that's that's real husband material right he's to be wearing her underwear in the i didn't even think of the possibility maybe he should get married then he can wear women's underwear right and then he can like leave the dirty ones in her jewelry box or some shit yeah so another reason he's a creep is he kisses with his eyes open which is something that you'll notice very early on i think he doesn't kiss a woman until like the second episode but he literally is

staring at the woman the whole time like a serial killer like a dog trying to kiss someone, which is the eyes open, right? Yeah. So, like, other people who have also kissed with their eyes open, because I thought this has to be, like, a serious sign of, like, derangement. Like, only psychopaths would kiss someone with their eyes open. So I actually found a list of people who kissed with their eyes open. Yeah. Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, and famous 2005 serial killer BTK. I heard he's quite the creep. Yep. Especially from 2005. Yes. Now, uh, Carl's name didn't make that list. I assume he kisses with his with his eyes wide open. I assume he only

kisses men and I don't know. Do men look at each other when they kiss? Carl does. Okay. All right. Why else is he a creep? Yeah. So he had a brief stint in the NFL, as I mentioned before, a known breeding ground for domestic violence. Did you know 83% of NFL players have admitted to hitting their partner and 62% have admitted to habitual domestic abuse? That means more than likely he'll become a domestic debuser if he's not already. And some other notable NFL criminals are OJ Simpson, Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vic, and the list goes on. So the odds are that Matt James is a violent criminal. That checks out for me. That math works. So he's potentially violent. He might have that CTE. You know how that goes. So that's probably, yeah. CTE is probably why he's wearing

his roommate's underwear. Can he prove that he's not a violent criminal? And let's check these women for bruises by the end of the season. Maybe we'll find out something. We don't know. All right. Another reason he's a creep. He may have an addiction, a very bad addiction to child pornography. And the reason I think that is because I have yet to hear him denounce pornography featuring minors. And it's like, it's like super easy to do. Like watch the, I denounce child pornography, me PJ. See, that was easy. I have not heard Matt James do this. In spite of my creep off search history denounce pedophilia and child pornography i denounce it see your move matt yeah matt why haven't you done this see how easy that was i looked

for a clip of you saying that i could not find it why is that i don't know you tell me and then the final reason that he's a creep is because he has two first names which is just kind of weird matt james that's weird yeah i don't like that it's like a porn name it's it's more porny than Colton Underwood. I just realized Colton Underwood's a pretty good porn name. It certainly is. It certainly is. He's going to go far in the business.

As the Bachelor expert, I'd just like to say, like, watching this show, you'll notice there's lots of making out going on, a bit less this season than some season. Like some seasons, it's just like makeout session the whole time. But, like, imagine how like, horny you must be.

after like the second makeout session in a half hour and you still have like three hours of talking to these women and making out to go wouldn't they just be kind of torturous who would want to do that it's a small price to pay for the long run celebrity man like i said this guy no matter where he goes for the rest of his life women are going to know that's the bachelor he's going to clean up for the rest of his life and all he's got to do is sit there with blue balls for three hours yeah but like every other night it's yeah dude i mean are you saying that it's like the situation where like the dad in the garage of cigarettes he's just gonna get sick of it well it's not like he's actually having sex i guess it's more of just like extreme edging for three hours so actually i bet when he goes back to his room he just like nuts everywhere uh that probably actually feels amazing i bet you he probably has to change his pants a couple times while they film that yeah do i do any of the girls ever come in and like looked out and real he has a boner left from the last girl.

Do they ever, like, has that ever been on camera? I don't, not that I've seen, if it hasn't happened, it's going to happen someday. That'll be good. Like, he just makes out with one girl for, you know, eight minutes on camera. He's got huge wood. And the next girl comes in and she wants to be like, I was thinking about you the other day while I was talking to my mother or whatever small talk they're going to do. And she just looks down and realize he has a giant heart on and then she doesn't get a rose.

I was actually watching the, like, this old season of The Bachelor the other day, and he, like, walked into the room and all the women, like, noticed he had a boner in there. Like, oh, my gosh, you have a boner. That's so weird. And then they, like, went up to him and pulled his pants down. Oh, wait. That wasn't The Bachelor. Huh. Yes.

All right. Well, that was the first episode of Creeps and Roses. Fuck you, Carl. I love you, Carl. No, you don't. I'm a hero. No, he isn't. I'm your hero.

I love you, Vita. You're my hero. there it is we're done tune in next week for more of this happy horse shit while we review episodes one through three of season 25 of The Bachelor

and Matt if you're listening if you haven't said I denounced child porn by next week then we all know your dirty secret scumbag we're calling you out James I mean this guy is a real jerk I don't care

I don't care My jokes don't go over, I don't care. Everybody, I don't care, I don't, he does not care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't, he just not care, I don't care, I'm happy, go lucky, women call me pucky, I don't care, I don't care, get up, I don't care. back in like the olden days it used to be the roast ceremony was a huge part of the show now it's kind of like an afterthought how is that the afterthought it's like the most important part it like is but don't people know the ending is the most important part of the fucking show this is stupid