The Creep Off - Creeps' N Roses #2 Creeps' N Bailys

Episode Date: February 20, 2021

This week Vinnie continues to suffer his consequences as he and PJ take a deep dive in episodes 1 & 2 of Season 25 of the Bachelor.

Before we go forward, can we go back real quick? I don't think you ever... You never said Creeps and Roses is a play on Guns and Roses. I think you just assume people will know that. But no one's going to know that because Guns and Roses is Guns N' Roses. You just did the and sign, like, Creeps and Roses. And Guns and Roses sucks. Like, no one cares about them.

Welcome to Creeps and Roses with Vinny and P.J. We're talking about The Bachelor because Vinny needs to pay. Lots of bitchy girls who want to see that dick. We didn't want to do this podcast, but Carole is a prick. The Bachelor, let's discuss The Bachelor with PJ and with Vinnyna-N-N-N-E-Vin-Y. We've got roses. We've got creams. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the second episode. That's right, the second episode because the first one counted. My name is Vinnie Paulino. And joining me back again, Mr. P.J. Phileum. What's up, Pige? Hey, I'm doing pretty good. I disagree that the first one counted. This is the official episode one, four more to go after this, right? You have to do five in total. I'm going to put a knife in you, kid. If I ever meet you in person, I want you to know that. Listen, you didn't, you didn't even watch a single episode before we did the first episode. I

listened to an hour long podcast. Plus, I was going to rewatch them this week, but I had the same issue that you had where I literally couldn't watch them on Hulu and unlike you I'm not rich enough to have on-demand video so I just didn't watch him, I just watched a YouTube recap. I can't have on-demand videos. I can't have headphones at work. My name is PJ. That's fine PJ. We could agree

to disagree all you want to. There's going to be three more episodes after this people. Yeah, four more episodes sounds good. Okay, so I watched episodes one and two of The Bachelor this week and I'm prepared to discuss them next week we'll talk about episodes three and four but specifically this week episode one we kind of talked about matt james last week and you told me what to prepare for and oh my god is he boring he's so boring he is face meltingly boring and the first 18 minutes of the show

is him just talk yeah i mean the first episode to me is probably the least interesting at least for the majority because it's just women walking in and then him being like, oh, I'm so horny right now. I hope they don't see my bone or through my pants. They started the first episode off. They show like a couple of clips of the more salacious things that'll happen later to keep you watching this garbage. Oh, garbage. We're fans of The Bachelor now. Did you see his mother? Did you see Matt James's mother? It wasn't in the recap I watched. I don't remember what shit. She's white though, right? I told you.

You know who she looks like? Who? She looks like Celine Dion's grandmother. She is a skeleton of a woman and pale an alabaster as the driven snow. And there's her practice squad's son sitting next to her. And she is just couldn't be more proud. And he just talks to her about, I'm really afraid of getting my heart hurt again, mom.

Just, ugh. How do they start the show like this? so first thing they've said black bachelor a million times at this point first half black bachelor i i just want to hammer that home because he's not the first black bachelor oh my god does he talk about that so let's let's just move forward a little bit we're going to go through this episode matt james meets chris harrison on the steps of this uh palatial estate in pennsylvania and chris harrison is like hey man isn't this exciting this is your first time on tv and matt is very very nervous right PJ

he's a little standoffish and then he did something that actually kind of surprised me and it surprised me as someone who's never watched the show and I think it surprised the fucking host Chris Harrison Moore listen to this oh fuck hold on a second I'm listening I have assigned volume levels on this shit

yeah guns and roses what shit are you going to talk about guns of roses Guns and Rosa sucks is that what you think yeah you know my guns and roses actually sucks really bad too is that stupid guy Axel Rose, which is a badass name. He looks like such a pussy and his hair sucks. He just looks like a poser.

Like he plays this hardcore, well, kind of hard-ish music. Yeah, I mean, well, he used to live in a fucking storage space in L.A., dude. He wasn't exactly like a fucking prom king. Yeah, I bet he had like $12 million. He's like, I'm going to live in a storage facility. No, it was before they made it. Yeah, okay. I bet his dad's like a wealthy billionaire guy.

Do you know what his real name is? Do you know what Axel Rose's real name is? Probably, I don't know, I have no idea. I can't even make a fake joke. It's William Bailey. Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Guns and Bailey. I mean, that actually kind of works.

Guns and Bailey. Yeah, horrible. So Chris Harrison is shocked here. Welcome to creeps and Bailey. Chris Harrison is absolutely shocked because they're, There's limos full of women coming to meet Matt James. But Matt James makes a weird request. You know, this is my first time doing this.

I'd love to ask you a few things before they got here if that's okay. You don't want to meet the ladies yet? Yeah, he didn't want to meet the ladies. He would rather go into a room and have a conversation with Chris Harrison than meet all these gorgeous women that are in limos coming to meet him. Yeah, I mean, I'd much rather talk to. a man than a woman, so it makes a lot of sense. What do you think he wanted to talk to Chris Harrison about?

Chris Harrison's awesome. So you probably just wanted to like get to know him. No, he wanted to whine more. People want you to end up with a certain type of person. And I get that. What does that mean? So my mom is white and my dad's black. And I experienced what it was like to be a product of interracial marriage.

And it's tough because you've got people who have certain views, old school views on what a relationship and what love looks like. There are, like PJ. People who are cheering for you to find love. And then you got people who are cheering for you to end up with a specific person, a specific person of a specific race. That's something that that kept me up at night. It's like, I don't want to piss off black people. I don't want to piss off white people.

But I'm both of those. You know what I mean? It's like, how do I please everybody? Well, well, well, the truth comes out. Yeah, right there up front. Right on Front Street, PJ. You acted like it was a big secret last week. I don't remember this conversation at all.

Okay. That's because it was insanely boring and mind-humming to listen to. If you tuned out just now, I don't fucking blame you. PJ tuned out the first time he watched it, but not Vinny. I sat there and listened to what he was complaining about. In fact, he even went on more to be more boring and insufferable. Here you go. Here's more of what he would rather talk about than meet all these women. And anytime I've gotten super close with a woman and you're getting to that point where it's seen how being vulnerable in the past.

Oh my gosh. It has led to this heartbreaking letdown. But part of this process for me is going to be letting my guard down and letting my wall down. And... Hurry up. What I know now and what it needs to love and she loved, I think I'm ready to offer this. The women are in the fucking limos, and he's just going odd and odd talking to Chris Harrison about how I don't want to get my heart broken. Did you watch this by yourself?

No, I watched it with my wife. Okay, yeah. you said initially you were trying to watch this by yourself it is unbearable to watch it by yourself because like yeah it's easy to just like shit on him i got news for you PJ it's unbearable to watch it by yourself and it's certainly unbearable to watch it next to my wife but you guys are just less fun than i guess you're oh she had her favorites she definitely picked her favorites so after all of this bitching and moaning chris says dude just you know be you. That was this big advice. Just be you. Cool. Thanks, dude. Thanks for the help. I just

poured my guts out to you for 20 minutes. He's like, well, be half of you because we only want the black half. The white half won't sell. That's true. They literally don't. We're marketing here. So the girls had, there's 32. I was wrong last week. There's 32 girls this year. And this is the most they've ever had, they said. So, wait, is that from the get go? yeah because they're in total there are 38 because i actually have stats based on that for later on but yeah 38 in total by the end of the season well for those of you who are watching the show on youtube right now you're going to be able to see some of the memorable entrances that i've pulled here those of you listening we will describe them for you but each one of these girls had to come out and

try to make an impression on this fucking bowl of vanilla ice cream that is matt jones okay matt james Matt James, whatever. I can't. Because he didn't watch the show. I watched all of these episodes, PJ. Two episodes, PJ. That's funny, because that's like the length of some amazing movies, like all of the Lord of the Rings, the Godfather movies.

Yeah, I could have watched The Godfather. It said I watched two episodes of The Bachelor. Great. Lucky me. So the girls tried to do their best to impress. him. Now, I'm going to play some of the clips of some of the girls who I think did a good job of being memorable. Okay? Let's start off with this girl, Alana. Alana is handing him a bowl of spaghetti. You're going to take this end, and I'm going to take this end. That's right.

They lady in the tramp it, PJ. Yeah, it's romantic. What Disney movie would you have rather had them do? Sharing spaghetti is not romantic to me. Eating my own. plate of spaghetti is romance PJ. You would have rather her just brought the spaghetti out to him and like giving him a bit and been like here this is all for you get nice and full. Congrats you win. That's my answer.

Congrats. You're the bachelor at whatever the fuck you are now. Vinnie, you wouldn't be, you'd much rather be on like the bachelor but everybody instead of being a woman you end up with, they're fighting to be your grandma and they're just making you different foods. Oh my God, I love it. I want to

have the macaroons week. We'll have a week where they're doing sauce. We'll do a German like October fest week. We'll do some schnitzel. I like this show, PJ. Yeah, the first Italian bachelor. It's just spaghetti and stuff. Matt and James, it's a little bit of a different set of food.

The first Italian bachelor ends up with his actual mother. All right. So speaking of some more Italian food, what is it with these women trying to bring food? This girl, Ileana, has a really good pickup line. Tell me if you think this is hot, if you go for her. I've been dying to ask you a question. Can I put my balls in your mouth? He's laughing so hard.

Does she have something in her hand? Take a little bite. She is giving him a meatball the size of a fucking bowling ball. Yeah. You know, it's not really a fucking bowling ball size. It's more of like the size of like a tumor. It's like a big tumor-sized meatball. And she puts it in his hand like a fucking apple.

and she just shoves in his face. And then she goes, Not bad. They're my meatball. She says that after he tastes it. Oh, really? It's your meatball? I have a fucking bite of it in my mouth.

What was I supposed to think it was? Your fucking labia, honey? I think we can all agree that that's the funniest thing we've ever heard a woman say. I got plenty of more of women's snarky remarks for this coming up. The next girl, who I got to tell you, I don't know what the fuck this woman was thinking. Her name is Cheney. I think you are the greatest of all time. Thank you.

And I hope you'll also think that I'm the goat. So what this girl just did is she lifted up her dress and she pulls out these hideous slippers. It looks like they chopped the foot off of a horse and like put it out, turned it into a shoe for her. It's a hoof. She's got hoof slippers. I love that Matt James is just like, thank you. That's a dynamic drop in, Matt. The one thing Matt James is, is charismatic.

Everybody has something to bring to the table, so I hope he remembers those at least, but it's pretty memorable, right? It's pretty memorable for all of the wrong reasons. Nobody wants to think about your stinky goat feet. There's plenty of other women here who aren't going to show up wearing stupid slippers. I got an idea. Before we shoot this, can we stop at Target? I get some silly slippers. Don't remember me.

I need to figure out a way to make a member remember me. Oh, I know, slippers. That'll work. Well, this girl, Katie, she came up with what I would say is the third or, actually, I would say she's the fourth most memorable. And here's why. Listen to this, PJ. You might remember her because she was all over all of the promo for the show. Yeah.

Hi, Katie. She's pretty, brunette. So I brought something from home. Yeah, by far. Okay. The prettiest. Really special to me. And I thought I'd share it with you.

You know, this pandemic was really hard. hard for me and this just really got me through a lot and I was hoping to pass the torch to you so she just pulls out a dildo that is blacked out by ABC so you see like a purple fake penis yeah you see a purple lightsaber handle in her hand and that just a black box and Matt James blushing going oh my goodness oh I wonder if my mother would think of this Chris Do you see this? I'm looking how you look. Now he's holding it.

And he's just can't stop laughing. I just need it just for like a little bit longer. And then she took it back because she needed it for a little bit longer. Just think about how creepy Matt James could have made that. He like takes it and sniffs it or something. Oh, first thing I would have done. First thing I would have done is I would have picked it up with the handle with two fingers and I would have held it up and looked at her, then looked at it and went... I don't...

I don't know you have... it over my shoulder. Do you have the clip from later on when she's talking to a woman with it and she's like, you can use it if you want. It's sanitized. So it's not even a new one. It's her actual dildo. No, it really is her actual dildo. Exactly right. I did not pull that. But the other thing she did was she named it. She did name that dildo. Do you remember what she named it? Oh, yeah. Who could forget? It was MJ after Matt James. Well, or Michael Jordan or maybe something happened to when a kid. Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah. She was a kid with a penis. Yeah. All right. Our next, uh, our next contested. You said that was the third or fourth most memorable. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only intro I remember from any of the seasons I've watched. Okay. Well, this next girl. Also, she's hot. Oh, this next girl is smoking hot. I couldn't believe this when I saw it. She comes walking up the driveway. She doesn't come in a car. She's pulling with her like a laundry rack with two dresses hanging on it.

She's wearing like a little silk robe and a bra and panties and the sexiest fucking stilettos. And she just comes walking up straight in her underwear. It's so great to finally meet you. Likewise. My name is Kylie. I'm going to give you a hug. Hi, Kylie. I've been sitting in my hotel room all day trying to figure out what to wear and I realized I don't know anything about you.

So what better opportunity to figure out what you like. then to ask for your opinion on what I should wear I like her I like her that's a winner today she's fucking smoking hot she's gorgeous that's why I gave it to her that's why I give it to her over the dildo girl now the next most impressive girl to me is the youngest on this show she's 21 years old and her name is kit she comes pulling up in a fucking Bentley so nice meet you and she's gorgeous she's young she has the ugliest dress i've ever seen i hope you're watching this on youtube me a little bit of a ride share vibe okay and i thought it's night one let me at least order my own car so she comes up and she goes listen the limo that they were bringing everybody

up in here was giving me a ride share kind of a vibe so i figured i'll read my own car fucking i love this girl i absolutely love her sounds like you're a fan of the show um not I like her. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the last and really most memorable, because we're going to hear a lot about this fucking lunatic, the rest of the show. PJ, I got one name for you, Victoria. The best person on the show. Yes, by a mile.

How are you doing? Good. What an entrance. Some Victoria. So the entrance was she had four producers who want to get their sag cards. carry her in on a throne and then she gets down she's got a tiara on and she's holding like just a shitty plastic crown and then she walks up to matt and this is what she says like the queen i see that and i'm looking for a king with a good heart so i heard that's you king matt

she sounds like she's on uh prescription jugs and she's she's like i went to party city and I got you this crown because I hear you're going to be the king of my heart like what the fuck I like the girl with the goat slippers better at this point than this girl okay her voice is so annoying like it's classic valley girl it just grates on your skin plus wouldn't you send her home immediately the second someone comes out and they do the whole like I'm a queen type thing that to me is just immediately like yeah you have issues go home well we're going to talk about her her queen persona everybody knows the real queen is sharp Charlotte Flair. But as she walks away, the very first, shut up, PJ. The very first laugh I got on the show happens, PJ. The first time I actually enjoyed the show for even a second happens. Queen Victoria is here. I know I'm so confident and I'm so fun. So she's walking away to go walk into the house. So, and then, like, put my best foot forward. Wonderful editing job. She falls down the fucking stairs. Just, ah. And then Matt James goes. I'm good. I'm good.

He's awesome. Okay. I forgot about that. That changed my view completely. Matt's awesome. Yeah, she fucking fell out. And then he's like, you all right?

She's like, I'm good. Like from the floor, from the ground. I'm good. Fucking the best. I did laugh at that 100%. I enjoyed the shit out of that.

And the way they added in her going. And I'm going to put my best foot forward. Down she goes. Down goes. Yeah. I loved it. And after this, she goes in to meet the rest of her.

to the girls and she really makes a good impression on them it's all good he's so sexy and my nerves caught up to me it's a lot to handle but you know she just fell down and now she's walking into a room the best for last yes queen the queen has arrived bitches and they're all just disgusted they look at her Like, okay. Do you hear how unconfidently she said that? Like, the queen has arrived, bitches. Like, you could tell she wanted to come across as, like, really strong, and she just came across as really self-conscious.

If I had to use two words to describe this girl, goon, go-coo, go-go. So, I guess a girl named Abigail, she is a hearing impaired. She got something called the first impression rose. What is the first impression rose? It's just the rose that they give to someone who they feel bad for, I guess. Okay. That's like the end of the show. They go and they do this rose ceremony.

And pretty much all of the girls that they featured at all on the show go through. The rest of them, like, I guess number like 20 through 32, they all just kind of get dismissed off camera. And that's that. Episode one. Fucking shitty. Yeah. First episode, I barely remember this episode because it's really just introduced. all the girls watching them all try to be memorable and failing miserably.

And it's pretty much just a slog. The only time it gets entertaining is when stuff like Victoria falling happens. Yeah. You don't get any of like the fun conversations. You don't get the women being caddy or whatever. It's just getting to know people, which is all these people are uninteresting. So I actually have stats like since we just finished introducing all the women. Yeah.

So you might think like, man, first black bachelor, it's pretty woke of them to have a black bachelor. But listen to this. In total, there's 38 women on the show, and there's 12 white women, and then there's 25 women of, like, different ethnicities. So then there's also one deaf person. But then... Why are you doing this? So, I don't know if you know this, but in the U.S., that's like 30% of the people on

the show are white. In the U.S., 60% of people are white. or at least identify as white isn't that messed up like they specifically gave him a bunch of minorities because they're like oh yeah like you're black so we're going to give you a bunch of minorities well that kind of goes back to what he was afraid of when he was talking to Chris Harrison yeah yeah exactly so like he's it's happening what he doesn't want to happen is happening because the bachelor is imposing it on him like yeah you're black we know you don't want very many white chicks so here's a bunch of people of random races well they picked a terrible

guy because he really is, like I said, an absolute bore. I have like three pages of notes here on episode two. People say I don't do my homework for this shit. So episode two starts with them. Nobody says that. What are you talking about? People say you do too much research. That's true. You've just done like basically a whole, uh, like research paper the past three or four episodes of the creep off. Solid point. I'm going to continue our deep dive in episode two of the Bachelor right now. after these words from manscaped. I made that up. They would never support us.

Episode two, there are three dates on the show, PJ. There's one group date, and there's two one-on-one dates, okay? The first one-on-one date goes to a girl named Bree, who I have to say during the intros, I didn't play any of her intros because there was nothing interesting about it. She just seemed like a nice person, and she seemed, in my opinion, the least likely to, like, key your car like she just seemed kind of stable you know what i made yeah she's too normal for the show right so like i get why he picks her that's a good place to start she's gorgeous she's a gorgeous girl and she seems kind of normal he goes to take her to go ride ATVs and all the girls are

very very jealous except for victoria like i wanted to be on that date so i'm not happy about it trust me we're all jealous like trust me if you're really jealous i'm not jealous i'm just like i want that victoria doesn't know what the word jealous means ladies and gentlemen that's patrick michael level double speak right there that is fucking hard to do right out of the gate victoria you you you are just a gem that says more about patrick michael being more like a woman like i don't expect any of these women know what that means oh brie and matt go out riding ATVs. Okay?

And here's a little clip. Do you trust me? What? Do you trust me? Yes. Now he's doing donuts with her. And then he tips the fucking thing and they both go flying off into mud puddles. Do you trust me?

Do you trust me? Yeah. Okay. Donuts fucking flip the thing. Now, I just have to say, this guy actually made an ATV accident boring. Do you know how fucking hard that is to do? I mean, the thing just kind of flops over and they get up and like, are you okay? I'm okay.

Ha, ha, look, we're all dirty. And then they throw a little mud at each other. But you know what was great? You know what was really good for those two lovebirds? What? They got to go sit in a wood fire hot tub that was set up for them probably 50 feet away from where they fell into the fucking mud. Have you ever seen a hot tub that they use wood to heat? Matt James had.

as because he knew exactly what to do. First thing this motherfucker does is take off, takes off his shirt and starts chopping wood. Listen, he knows what the people want. They want to see a shirtless and chopping off wood. And he knows he has no personality. He's like, but I am completely jacked. So I'll do what I have to do.

PJ, they filmed this thing months ago in Pennsylvania. But this girl creamed her pants so hard. I guarantee you right now they're animals sniffing the spot. I guarantee her fucking T you. right now she was just like fucking oh in love with this guy shocker they get in this hot tub and they make out yeah there's tons of hot tub in every season of the bachelor they always go in hot pubs we're not even done with the hot tub in this episode so meanwhile uh meanwhile back at the house with all the girls victoria's making friends i hate this girl power

i was like i'm sick at you guys already i want to be on that date they're like it's day one i'm like Yeah, and I'm already fucking thick of you guys. One of them was like, don't you feel like this is going to be your downward spiral? I'm like, no. Do you not know me? Like, no, but I'm just saying. Do you not know me? I just met you today.

I'm just saying, she is a find. Like, what tape was to submit to this? Um, was she just like looking through her high school yearbook calling everyone the C word? Like, like, they're like, oh, she's perfect. Like, this girl is just so abrasive to everybody. She is exactly the type of person that they want on the show. And then they keep around, even though Matt James absolutely hates her, but the producers make them keep around some of the horrible women so that then the show's interesting.

Absolutely. And that's what you have to do. The producers are actually brilliant on the show for a couple of reasons. And I'll give you a good one. Right now, during this, right after this, they cut over to Bree and Matt are having dinner together, right? They start talking boring, boring, boring. They're both interracial kids. They hate their dads.

He gives her a date rose. Then they shoot off fireworks. And they start making out. And I think this is genius of the producers because the other girls are sitting in this house and they see the fireworks going off. And all of a sudden, they're like fucking cats. Like they just start freaking the fuck out

that this girl's out there making out with him. And they're watching fireworks. It's brilliant. Yeah, it is like some weird psychological warfare thing going on. The producer is like, we need these women to feel as horrible as possible so that then they're as horrible as possible to each other. And it's great. Do you know what Stockholm syndrome is? Speaking of like psychological warfare?

Yeah. I have this, I have this theory that like none of these women are really interested in him. But because he is, I mean, the show itself, but he is essentially their captor. So I think that they just kind of like fall in love with him because there's no one else around and they're like, oh, this guy Matt, like we're here for him. is awesome. We're on vacation for six weeks, getting everything we want. This guy's awesome. I love him. Even though in reality, they'd never fall in love with them in real life. Yeah, probably. I think there's probably a degree of that. So, speaking of crazy, Victoria at this point needs attention when the fireworks are going off. Shocker. Stop berating

Victoria. She's the only thing that's making the show watchable in these first few episodes. Well, all the girls got upset at her because she said she wanted to be on this date. And now all the girls are watching the We're just going off talking about how they're so jealous. Well, now you guys know how I felt this morning because you guys were just so rude to me. And, like, this was the issue I had all day. You're all so rude to me. Her voice is so horrible. It's amazing.

It's like, it just, like, rubs you, like, you want to, like, I mean, I don't advocate violence against women most of the time. But, like, I have totally understand when she gets married and her husband hits her. here she is continuing her tirade at the whole group of the other women I said I would like to get to know each other's oh okay I'm sorry she starts getting into it with this girl named Marilyn okay and Marilyn is her roommate and Marilyn said to her something to the effect of I'd like to get to know you so I could find out you know basically why you are the way that you are or something to that effect yeah

Which might not be the nicest thing in the world saying. Very condescending. But can I tell you that I think Marilyn is actually an insanely polite person, the more I watch interactions with Victoria. Victoria starts giving it to Marilyn. Here's some clips. I said, I would like to get to know each other so that we can better understand each other. I didn't make up those words.

I just said, you said them. So, like, that was insulting to me. What? That's insulting to me that you said, the thing that you said, that I said you said. I mean it was pretty condescending but I don't know if I've ever interacted with someone as hostile as Victoria's towards these women so I can't say I would know how to not sound like an asshole while interacting with this person

and she's still going you're getting upset you're getting upset you're getting a little upset you can't clump us in a group of time okay well then I will narrow out you like you were rude to me earlier like if you want to go there yeah she's just fucking arguing with Marilyn just she won't let it fucking go. Imagine dealing with this woman in your day-to-day life. Imagine if you had a job and this was one of your coworkers.

Everyone in that room's eyes are rolling to the back of their head, except for the producers. They have raging fucking hard-ons in a trailer. They're fucking high-fiving. They basically got the best women possible for someone as boring as Matt James because they're like, yeah, he can kind of be on the back burner while these women are just ruthless to each other. These are by far the meanest women that I've ever seen on the show. They don't even need two of her. They just needed the one of her.

She's a fucking typhoon, this one. So she takes her bags and she says, I'm not sharing room with you. I'm going to sleep on the couch. So she fucking storms out of there. They show her grabbing her bags at her fucking shit. And she goes and just puts her giant blanket on a couch and that's where she fucking sits. And the next day, they go on. How do you not like this show?

You're a moron. Because of the next day. The next day, there's none of this man. made sense. This group date, what the fuck? First off, who you need to tell me right now and explain to me who the fuck Franco the photographer is? I, oh yeah, that wasn't in the recap, but I remember, yeah, I mean, he's just a weird, creepy guy. This guy, he looks like Benicio del Toro and Guardians of the Galaxy.

He's dressed like a human bird hybrid or some shit. I don't know how to describe him. there's a picture of them on the screen but uh Franco the photographer announces that all 18 girls that are on a group date and there's 18 of them have to get into wedding dresses

and do a wedding style photo shoot with Matt now that to me seems like exactly what someone would do on a first date let's go try on wedding dresses and take pictures what is this what the fuck is the point of this so they put on these dresses

and they're all having this nice time. Victoria's walking in front of the other girls and being a fucking attention whore again. They're all mad at her. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they don't even finish taking pictures of all of them. Like probably six or seven of the 18 got pictures with Matt. Then all of a sudden they announced that

we are now breaking you all into three teams and you're playing some type of bastardized version of paintball and capture the flag in wedding dresses and we want you guys to tackle each other like there's basically no rules just like murder each other basically that is correct that's awesome yeah

and my girl Victoria she had the line of the night at that point I think my team is a bunch of queens and the other team is a bunch of gestures gestures a bunch of gestures a bunch of gestures she was on the red team and the red team won shocker

but they were fucking smashing each other yeah they dipped purses this show sucks shut up idiot they were dipping purses and fucking like

bouquets of flowers and paint and just assaulting each other with them you know it's funny I didn't remember that they were dipping bouquets in paint but you're right

but you don't even realize that if you weren't paying a ton of attention at the beginning because it just looks like they're basically running around with like those like whips with a bunch of pieces of leather

on them once they get covered in pain. Yeah, I mean, it's a very strange thing to have on your show. It was entertaining, I guess. It was kind of cool. You guess. Stop pretending like you didn't love it. That, to me, was the highlight of the episode. Of this episode, I really did, would say I was like, okay, and it only lasted like two minutes.

I mean, it wasn't like that egregious. So two minutes out of an hour 25, PJ, so whatever that's worth. I would say that was, like, the dates are usually the weak moments of the show. The highlights are the parties where they're just sitting around being mean. We're about to get to that because there's an after party. And Matt gives the group date rose to a girl named Lauren. Whoever she was, she might have been like number 28. I don't fucking know.

He then gives out his other one a date rose to a girl named Sarah. Who, can we agree pretty hot? Yeah, yeah. Sarah's pretty hot. except she has bad jeans. And we're going to talk about that in a second. Oh, yeah. So he's going out of a day, a one-on-one date with Sarah,

hot off of his awesome job of driving the fucking ATV. They go on a little plane ride. And like a little tiny crop duster thing. And I guess somebody else was flying it. They had fun. They go on a nice date. And they end up having dinner together. They're having a nice time.

And then she drops the bomb on him. Do you remember the bomb, PJ? No, I don't The bomb was she left her job as a TV reporter To take care of her father with ALS Yeah, sob story immediately That's what they want Yeah, sob story, exactly right

But then Matt said the only thing He's ever said that I agreed with The fact that she should be home With her pops right now with her family And she's here with me having dinner I don't even know what to say Yeah, you should be home taking care of your father You're a horrible person.

I don't get how he didn't send her home immediately. She was all like, my father used to brush my hair when I was a little girl. Now I do the same thing for him. Well, who's brushing his hair right now? We're fucking stiffed that rose, honey. Who's taking care of Pop Pop now? She's like, I hope he's alive when I get back.

There's no way of knowing. He's on limited time, but I need to get to know Matt James, the first half black bachelor. So he does give her a rose and they make out in a hot tub. I'm not even kidding. That's what happened. So he also hates her father. That's good to know.

Let's go. We're into the home stretch of episode two. He takes the time talking to a bunch of girls kind of off to the side. And then he pulls Marilyn, Victoria's nemesis aside, and gives her one of her favorite flowers. They have a nice moment. And while this is going on, our gal Victoria is talking to every single person in the house that she can about Marilyn. what do you think she's saying nice things of course nice things she won't say anything neat is toxic she's just so toxic she's not quality she's just like straight up toxic yeah that's what

she's saying to everybody well she's in there getting a flower from matt so yeah that's like I totally agree with Victoria Marilyn is toxic to her and I'm always on team Victoria okay I'm with you I'm on team Victoria too the longer she's on the show the longer I'm going to be entertained by it. So what do you think that little tattletale goes and does? She pulls Matt aside and she tells him what he needs to know. And like she just like cries to like manipulate situations. And she's just like straight up toxic. So like I had to sleep on the couch temporarily. I had to sleep on the couch temporarily. It's genius. Like she's she's metagaming the bachelor basically. And you want to know something? Not only is Matt James boring. He's all so stupid. Victoria.

hasn't held back anything from me. So why would she make something like this up? He's known him for three days. Right. He's talked to her like maybe 45 minutes in total. Right. She's not held back anything. She said, hey, how's it going? Yeah, it's weird being here. Like, she hasn't held back anything. And you gave Marilyn a flower because you obviously liked her. You didn't give Victoria anything. Victoria is the fucking one who fell down the stairs. And now you're going, who do I, do I want to keep? Victoria or do I want to keep Maryland? That's a dilly of a pickle. He's too nice to these women.

That's like a thing across all the bachelors. Like they need to be meaner to these women. Just grow up. Just say, throw up. You don't think making them hit each other across the face with paint covered purses is being mean to them? Well, that's the bachelor. The bachelor producers are absolutely ruthless.

Matt James didn't make up with the show. That's true. Matt James is just a willing participant in the show. He's also being psychologically manipulated by the producer's a bachelor. And because of that, the producer of The Bachelor, pretty cool in my book. Fair enough. I'm with you. After this happens, Matt pulls Marilyn aside and Marilyn denies the whole thing.

Like, she's like, Victoria's just straight line. Marilyn decides to talk to Victoria. And I think Marilyn is obviously the classier person. But Victoria, whew, way more fun. Listen to this interaction. Here you go. If you're watching at home, enjoy watching this. Do you mind if we have a conversation outside?

You can sit there and we can have a talk. I'm not going outside. It's freezing. Victoria, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. Thank you. We can sit here. I accept your apology, but I think that we have very different realities of what occurred. You could say that again, honey. So she apologized to her just to fucking keep the peace. That's such like a BS thing to say too. We have very different views on the reality of what happened. That's like the, well, this is my truth. No, there's a, there's a real truth and there's a thing that happened, but you just don't want that to be the case. and you want to interpret it your own way.

So you're saying there's two different, like, truth. Whether it's not. You were just a cunt. But, I mean, it makes the show interesting. So I love it. So she says something to her, even to the effect of like, well, you know, if you don't mean it, why would you say you're sorry? And it's like, she said she's sorry because she's just trying to get you to fucking chill out. Yes.

Please stop going to Matt because I want to be on TV as much as possible. so I get as many followers as possible. And if you make me go home early, I'm going to be pissed. Can't we just, like, I'm not going to fuck with you. Everything's be cool. I accept your apology, but I don't think you, you understand what happened the way I understand what it had. Uh, just a headache. So now we're going.

You know what's admirable about people like Victoria, though? Like people that are just absolute horrible people on the show. Fucking horror shows. They're actually there. Probably for what they would say is the right reasons, which is. to find love because there's no way that she's going on the show thinking I'm going to get rich and famous and everyone's going to love me after this. No, she's a horrible person and she's just like, yeah, maybe I'll fall in love. I like the show The Bachelor. Or maybe she thinks people

aside with her, but who knows. I disagree. I think that the lad are there. I think she thinks everybody is going to take pity on her. When she's like, I had to sleep on the couch, I'm at, she's so full of shit. Everything is such drama and everything is she's the victim. You were all so rude to me earlier. Everything she does is she's crawling up out of fucking cross. Nah, she's just there for love. Okay. She loves Matt. What are we going to do? Now,

it's time for the rose ceremony, PJ. So I'm wondering what's going to happen to Maryland here. But someone's bad genes caught up to her and she decided to steal the show. Our friend Sarah starts having some kind of panic attack. And they take her over

to the side. and then all of a sudden on the screen, PJ, to be continued. Yeah, what a great cliffhanger. So exciting. Yeah, girl number 23 has panic attacks. See you next week.

That's my point, though, about the, like, Rose ceremony, not being important. Like, who goes the fuck at which of these women goes home? Everyone knows Victoria's staying. I don't remember if Maryland states, but I'm assuming she does.

I bet if it was up to Matt, he would have probably sent both of them home. But the producers are like, no, you can't send them home. Yeah, he's in the room going, those two seem like they might be trouble. They're like, no, no, they're going to be fine, Matt. Everything's going to be fine. I heard that they love you.

And he's like, oh, I'm here for love. So, yeah. Yeah, he's a moron and so boring. Do you think they let me open up about myself to them? Yeah, do you want to hear a fun scandal about the Sarah girl? The scumbag. The scumbag who's letting her father die while with from ALS while she's on this show. you get famous.

Yeah. Supposedly, she had a boyfriend the whole time, and she just did this for publicity. Yeah. So she literally, so she was super basically upfront with it, but because as far as I know, it was people immediately knew,

oh, she had a boyfriend the whole time she was on the show. So she literally just abandoned her dad to try to get famous on The Bachelor. Not even a front for the scumbagginess. She's just like, yeah, just trying to get some exposure for my social media.

that's the end of this week next week we're going to pick up with a dramatic cliffhanger what happened to Sarah I wonder for boyfriend calls last week you laid down a challenge to Matt James yep what did you tell Matt James he needed to do I told him you needed to come out against child pornography did he do it I thought maybe you had a clip no he didn't to my knowledge he didn't and I don't know if you heard this but Donald Trump was talking about us what I do hear about it is they are very strongly against pedophilia and i agree with that yeah what did he say that that's amazing he was talking about our show the other day after russia lebaugh died he was tired of did you hear creeps and roses and uh they were he was very upset about you know matt james not denouncing it i do know they are very much against pedophilia they fight it very hard i appreciate the support donald all right ladies and gentlemen we will see you next week with more creeps and roses we talk about episodes three and four uh please uh let us know what you think of the show by fucking off neither one of us care actually do you care p j i i care i care i love the

bachelor this is a great show you like did you have a good time doing this with me tonight i did listen to we are assholes my podcast if you just want to hear a bunch of racist and sexist and homophobic things said yeah great i'll be back on the creep off this week on monday then sleep tight every pony gagia whatever the fuck do we have a an outro on this

yeah you sing the entirety of sweet child of mine I think that's the name of that hacks he sucks the guns of Rosa sucks the guns of roses sucks