The Creep Off - Episode 2: Creeps 'N Roses: Box of Gimmicks

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

In this episode Vinnie, Brian McBride, RJ Purpura & Mike Barry watch with bated breath to find out who gets the first impression rose from Colton Underwood. You would not believe this, but there was a surprising amount of work that went into an episode that sounds this terrible. Enjoy! 

Welcome to Creeps and Roses with Vinny and Brian McBride. We're talking about The Bachelor because Vinny needs to pay. Lots of bitchy girls who want to see that dick. We didn't want to do this podcast, but Carrose is a prick. The Bachelor, let's discuss The Bachelor with Brian and with Vinna-N-N-N-A-N-nie-Vin-Vin-Y. We've got roses. We've got creams.

Ola Creepos Welcome to The Bachelor podcast with the most professional wrestling references it's creeps and roses I'm

Yeah Yeah Creve of the crop I can't rip this shirt I'm not strong enough That's all I can get Yeah I know RJ You look very frail

Sitting there Ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the studio Today Brian McBride Hello Brian Hey how's it going Now, also in the studio, RJ Perpera. Hello, RJ. Hey, how's it going, everybody?

RJ, this is your first time doing anything associated with the creep off. I am honored to be here. Yes. Thank you. Hey, can you do me a favor, Mike Barry and talk? Yeah. Could you bring that a little closer to your face? All right, boom, like right here?

There you go. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to watch the worst show that exists. It's The Bachelor. Now, RJ has not been caught up. So, RJ, here's the deal. We're watching season 23, and we are watching today. We are going to watch the introduction of the villain,

and we are going to watch the first rose ceremony, as well as a few other select highlights that your pal Vinnie picked out for you. Can we, there are villains on The Bachelor? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, C-words is more like it, but villains is what I'm going to go with. Okay. This week, we are going to, watch a rose ceremony all the way through for the first time. And the reason we're going to do it

this way is because I hate the listeners who are enjoying me suffer and watch this. So I'm going to make you listen to the whole thing too. Isn't that excited? You're all getting punished with me. For some reason, I really think you like doing this. Yeah, no, this is going to be the blue. Wait, how many episodes have you gone through, Vinnie? This will be the seventh episode of this. Okay, I'm going to cut you off as a friend pretty soon because you're already kind of acting a little I don't know how to tell you this Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah

A little estrogen Would that be a word Estroney? Yeah Womeny Oh yeah And I mean you live with your wife And two female dogs

And it's like But this is the most Woo You're getting too much dude You guys are gonna get synced up soon You're gonna have to cut you off I'm sorry I mean we'll wait till after this episode

See how you act This is the one thing he loves Don't take it away I don't love this at all you ass I think you're starting to I think you're kind of starting to by your demeanor, by your actions. Mike, I'm just throwing something out.

I'm just throwing something out. I'm just throwing out. You got here before anyone else today, and what did I tell you all afternoon? What have I been saying? I've been here all day and I hate my life. Yeah, I want to fucking go home. I don't want to be here. This is not what I want to do. Where did you come up with?

I like it. When you told Mike before he's being such a Becca R, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. A Becca R? Was this behind my back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was this behind my back, bitch? bitch I will

I guess I am getting estrogeny if I'm talking behind your back I guess maybe this is like The Bachelor Oh shit I guess you better just talk about this episode So check this out Where we left off On the first episode

Did you listen to that at least RJ The first episode of Creeps and Roses No I did not I'm sorry Great Smart RJ give everybody your Twitter handle So they could yell at you

It's at RJ Purpura P-U-R-A yell at him for not doing any homework before he came in. Now, here's what we're going to do. We are going to check in on my favorite person from the first episode that we watched. Sloth Girl. Do you guys want to see what Sloth

Girl's up to? This girl showed up to meet Colton the Bachelor wearing a sloth costume. Here's what she's doing the first time we see her in the next episode. Oh, my God, she's in the damn tree. She's in the damn tree. She's in the tree. The sloth is in the tree. She is not in the, no.

Oh, my gosh. The sloth's kind of weird, but I bet she's nice. I just want to know what she looks like. Yeah, the sloth is kind of weird, everybody. What is that mental illness? I've never seen that one before. It's a new one. Yeah.

Like the furry? Oh, I guess it could be that. Yeah, definitely. But to even get up in a tree seems to be taking the furry thing, it's step too far. Not really. I've seen that Lisa Lang fucking episode on them. They're fucked. Okay.

Let me ask you this question, though. like if that is a furry don't you think that sloth is the worst type of furry Is there a more sexy animal Right but that could be their inner spirit animal Yeah

I think that's how those people do it I'll take a turtle Maybe they just want to get down maybe You would take a turtle A sexy ninja turtle No like you would just Well I mean Like that sexy girl turtle

What was her name? She doesn't count We don't count her There was the Fox TV show It does not count Vinny's not canon Whoa whoa Angry white guy I'm sorry Female characters can exist

Angry white guy Not the female Ninja Turtle Can't Not that big brides watch Next thing They're going to start killing off He-Man And we're all in trouble

She-Man could be a very plausible thing in 2021 They came up with a girl Ninja Turtle They did have a girl Ninja Turtle Her name was Mona Lisa Aw

Which is not an artist Did they just find her one day So it doesn't count I don't matter Okay back to the bag That's why it doesn't count Let's get back To this freaking thing

Yeah yeah yeah So, uh, let's see who, that was Alex D is her name, the girl who's hanging from the fucking tree. Now, let's meet her and see what she actually looks like. Is she the villain? No. We're going to meet her next. Um, I hope she's, like, stunning. I want her to rip that swap head off and be a fierce ass bitch.

Oh, I have, oh, she's got good hair. Oh, he's taking off the whole. She's got good hair, they said. Okay. And she's got a fucking ballroom down underneath that thing. How are you? Nice to finally meet you. It was a moment to immediately go back to some of those books after they take off a small.

I bet you're definitely warm. There's so many other red flags there. It was very hot. I didn't even realize it was a body sink. I thought she was just Italian. Oh, God damn it. It's the costume Casey should have thought of. But none of you guys get that joke, only the listeners do.

So here's the thing about this. I'm going to give this girl a shit ton of credit. She's hanging from fucking trees. She's been in a sloth costume talking all stupid all night. and she's been drinking. We've been watching her go back and forth to the fucking punch ball.

She looks pretty damn good for a girl who just pulled out of a sloth costume. Yeah, but maybe the sloth costume I haven't seen her face yet. All right, here we go. The sloth costume is to lower the bar She's very skinny,

all the women on the show. You're staying in character the whole time and you're committed to it. I do, right? I can respect that. Thank you. You nailed.

Okay. Okay, so she's like an actress. She must be some type of actress. She was like, I did stay in character the whole time. Was it good? Like, she has a weird insecurity thing there

he likes theatrical performances she's definitely an improv girl all the vibes McBride would you fill RJN on our bachelor's little secret because I don't think he even knows Oh the bachelor ends up being gay

What Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah They caught him He went to a special massage parlor Yep And I guess someone was blackmailing him So he came out on like

What was a Good Morning America or something Yeah yeah Like two years after his season After the season But here's the other thing about him, and let's not forget, he's a virgin. Okay. He's gone into this, he's a virgin. And he's, what, 26, 26 years old?

First of all, that's a massive failure in the casting department. Like, that should be number one. I think they knew. So my whole thing on the episode I was on here is that they knew this is all a big joke. Everyone knows that he's gay, doing the show, filming the show. Even the ladies? Even the ladies? They're making, look at it.

No way. No. I'm sticking out. I vote against that theory. All right. That's my, the only episode I saw here with Finney, I'm like, they all know, this is a big fucking joke. Yeah. A whole fucking thing. Because here's the thing. Mike can't help, but wear the hindsight glasses

because he knows, he looks and and he goes, there's no way anybody can't tell. But if you didn't know, and you just watch ABC all the time, you're a stupid person, so you probably wouldn't know. But if all the girls plugged at it in that episode, I was like, they know they're making jokes about this.

My point is everybody on broadcast television is a little effeminent, is my point. For sure. And nobody notices because that's just the world. And I don't think anybody knew until this guy came out, Mike. That is my thoughts. Do you think he knew, though, or he's like, I just haven't met the right one yet? Yeah.

Liberace was on like Mike Douglas. Oh, Mike, I just haven't met the right girl. Yeah. Did they find out he was gay because he went to this massage party? Yeah, he came out after he was being blackmail. Because they were trying to blackmail. But you can get, you can like, I don't know.

Sure, you get gay massages and not be gay. I agree with you. But I mean, like, you can, like, I don't know, you can get a dude. You can get a weird boner getting a massage. It doesn't make you gay. No, but, like, if you go to a special one where they're supposed to give you weird boners. Oh, that was, oh, it was like a Robert Kraft massage parlor? Sure, yeah.

Okay, okay, yeah. Yeah. Nah, then there's a bunch of questions I have to ask. Well, maybe he had to pay because he was, what, was he still somewhat known? Because they, after these shows, they're still somewhat famous, correct? Sure. We're talking about it two years later. Right.

So was he going? Because like, okay, so he's on this show. He's obviously not a bad looking guy. He's in shape. Ugly ass gay dudes. Fucking get laid all the fucking time. But he wants discretion, though. Right.

That's what he's paying for. So he's paying for discretion. He didn't pay enough, though. He's the goddamn bachelor. He wants discretion. That's why he's on national TV trying to find love. Well, no, enough. The gay stuff you want to describe.

Oh, right, right, right. Because that would piss off his parents. Now, let's keep going with these clips. We are going to meet. Do you remember last week when we introduced a girl named Catherine? No. Catherine is the one who brought her dog. She brought in her dog and handed her dog to Colton and said,

Colton, you're going to take, this is my child. You're now going to take care of my child for the whole time. Here you go. Because if you want me, it's a package deal, and she hands him the fucking dog. That's worse than the sloth costume. Yes. And it's not an attractive dog. No.

It's not like a cool dog. It's not like a golden retriever or a husky or something. It's like one of those things. I'm like a fucking pug that you want to punt off a bridge. Right. So the blonde is Catherine and this is her first little interaction of alone time with Colin. Because all these girls right now, what's happening is they are all vying for the first impression rose. So this is the basically you're the number one draft pick.

You get the first pass. He hands you the rose and says you're going through to the next round. skank I personally don't feel like there's competition these girls, they're just like beautiful statues there's not much substance to them so I'm confident I'm gonna make the best impression on him

Hi how are you I'm amazing Chris is doing a good job of watching after your dog That's right He gave the fucking dog to Chris Harris and the host So the host is just walking around the party Walking this fucking dog Definitely scooping dog shit

scooping dog shit he's dealing with all of it because fucking take a hint bitch colton didn't want your dog colton is here because i mean colton is here honest to god i don't fucking know why colton is here but colton is here apparently for the pussy not the dog colton's here for the fame that's all it is yes correct so he gets a discount at a gay massage parlor like what for sure it adds up i don't well then he gets to go and do signings at gay comican or whatever they They have. That's called Comic-Con, R.J. I just, I don't, ah.

All right, all thing. Okay, maybe I get why you're doing this. This whole thing is confusing. All right, here we go. Hannah. Now, this is the thing I want you guys to know. He met her, and then he gives out the first impression rose. Actually, fuck.

To the dog lady? No, I fucked up. Come on, Lucy. There's Chris Harrison with the dog. Do your business. Come on. So what do you think about Lucy? She really, you could tell a bit.

She really loves you. You know, I'm putting her in your hand. Yeah. And I hope that you're worth that. Oh, yeah. Well, you always can tell if, like, a dog doesn't like somebody, that's a little bit of a red flag. Yeah, we have to win us both over. It's not just her.

It's a household of two. Yeah, absolutely. Do you think it was more embarrassing for Chris Harris to host the show or to actually get on camera saying, all right, come on, do your business to a fucking dog? Chris Harrison loves the show. Yeah. Chris Harrison loved hosting this show. He adored it.

He wrote smut books. He knew his audience. He made millions and millions of dollars off of the show. You cannot tell me for a second Chris Harrison didn't love it. All right, fair. So, so far, the conversation is

your dog misses you. Take it back. Where are you from? Fort Lauderdale. So we did the boats and the beaches and the wakeboarding and fishing. I love a good adventure. I like that.

Amazing. Do you mind if I borrow you or maybe arrest you? Yeah, for sure. I'll come talk to you later. It was nice chatting with you. Yes, of course. Wait, so how does this house for us? So they cue in the second woman, the people on the backer?

Exactly, Mike. Because it's supposed to be all of the women get a couple minutes with the guy. Okay. So she just had her a couple minutes. Okay. So this other girl comes in. The producers probably just go, all right, you're queued. And there you go.

Yeah. So, uh, Catherine doesn't like this. very much. That was so quick. What the hell? My conversation with Colton was very short. We were interrupted. Look at these.

I thought we could draw on them together and make little bachelor shoes. Let's do it. I've never had to fight for somebody's attention before, but, you know, I go after what I want, and I am drawn to Colton. I think this is our moment to like connect and ideally fall in love, create this whole entire amazing lifestyle together. lifestyle together. And so we need to spend a little bit more than a couple minutes with each other. So if you didn't just catch what came out of this woman's vapid head, I'm not used to being

turned down. I'm not used to a guy walking away from me. I go after what I want. And this is what I want. This is supposed to be our moment where we fall in love and create an entire not life together. She said, quote, lifestyle together. And she is now walking up like a fucking great white shark and jaws to these two who are sitting there coloring shoes for some fucking reason. I think she's reading from a teleprompter and she's half

drunk. I really like she has to dog come in and shit on the shoes. Walk it up to fucking talk to these people who are drawing shoes for mentally challenged kids. All right, let's go. Yeah, those are like you could buy those. I would be like what, let's draw on these shoes together.

I'd be like, why? Do you work at the arc? I'm like, I would just throw in the fire. All right, let's start Throw up the fucking fire, I'm with you Throw the fucking crayons in there Let me like, what are we doing here? And he's just like, I like art projects

So he's good with it And here comes our girl, everybody Excuse me, I'm so sorry to interrupt We were just only had a few minutes earlier And I just wanted to talk to you a little bit more Can we color for a few more minutes And then I'll pass them along to you? Sorry. I just really think we need to finish our conversation.

Okay. All right. Why did this girl say okay? Cringe. Oh my God. This is so painful. Why did that girl say okay? And secondly, what a psycho she looks like. She's like, can we call her a little longer? Well, dude, like, what are you going to say? If someone comes in, that's clearly a psycho and trying to break the rules, you're not going to like equal their psycho level and you're trying

to make a first impression. You're trying to get this fucking rose. None of these freaking skeletons That's exactly what you do. None of these skeletons have eaten in the last 24 fucking hours. Right, right. And they're on some, God knows what kind of pills does they. Look how thin they all are.

Or they just work out. Yeah, I'm not saying they're in bad shape, and none of them look like bad thin. I know that they're somewhat good thin, but they'll even be that thin. And knowing they're going to be on national TV, you know they all like super dieted before you? For sure, yeah.

Who wouldn't? I take, I think 24 is the under. Like, 24 hours is the under on this if we're wagering. But, uh, all right. So she interrupts. They're all fucked up. And here's what happens whenever. They're just cutting weight, Mike.

Here's what happens on The Bachelor when these situations arise, apparently. All the girls react. Oh my God. She's feeling him already. She literally just talked to him. Yeah. So they see her back with him and they're like, what? she just talked to him

this is crazy so how do you think Catherine takes this what do you think Catherine thinks of this whole situation she probably like considers all the other girls feelings and like backs off is my guess okay so it's very reasonable okay sure I didn't mean to interrupt your coloring

but I think our conversation might be a little more important all right wow wow I mean she's not wrong but also you were talking about a fucking dog lady like you're not that much more important. I have to say any conversation is more important than coloring shoes.

Yes. I would say that I can't argue with her logic, but God damn, girl! God damn! At least wait till you're out of ear shot until you shit on the lady's shoe idea. I like how Mike is processing this because I don't think they told her to say that. I think that's what just came out of her mouth. No, I think that yeah, they coached her to say. You think it's still all scripted? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's reality TV.

Okay. It's fucking, at least 75% screen. I'm going to start introducing you as Mike the smart mark. Yeah, well, the smart mark for, I don't watch this shit. It's just like it's blatantly obvious it's fake. It's not, though, Mike. I'm telling you, if you sat down and watched the whole episode and you saw the way it was pieced together, yes, the producers. You're not going to convince me to do this when you know how or how.

Mike, the producers are fantastic at editing. Yeah. That's why you feel this way. Okay. They just put cameras. on these women and they fucking all these women together, it's an interesting recipe So there's some more reaction

I think Catherine's being very disrespectful to everyone in the house right now because everyone's trying to have their first impression with him and a lot of people haven't talked to him at all and so I feel like Catherine deserves a taste of her own medicine. Oh boy. Interesting So Anika. Oh they always

said the black girl probably don't they? I've seen, I've never watched one of these goddamn seasons. I'm already fucking, they always said the They always had a black girl and the fucking stupid blonde hair bitch straight. He's trying to walk up back a little bit. Wait a minute, bitch, wait a minute, bitch with the dog. Wait a minute.

And shit, yeah. I don't know it's every time of black girl, but it definitely wasn't 14, 8, 7 in season four. But outside's that, I've never seen the show. I've never watched. Well, that's gonna be hard. Yeah, yeah, that white bitch with the dog would survive one minute on flavor of love. One minute, she'd be dead. Uh, all right.

All right, what do you think happens next? We got interrupted way too soon, and I just wanted to hear more about you. Cool, and I heard you were drowning in some bitches. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did she say bitches? I think she said bitches.

She said bitches. Hopefully it's more time later. It's been very short, but enjoy your time together. Thank you. All right. So she got another minute or two, and that the producers said, this girl with a fucking snorkel and a whistle.

Was it a rape whistle for the record? Because I didn't know the sound. Well, I'm sure they have a few on the set. What was her? But they really didn't have... To be honest with you, they really don't have to worry about rape whistles with Colton around. That's true.

He's not really a big threat. Did she have a snorkel? Was her introduction a snorkel? I don't remember. Where did she get the snorkel from? She just... I don't know. It was the strangest thing.

The box of gimmicks. Now, let me ask you this question. Catherine just got interrupted. Do you think she'll handle this gracefully? Oh, of course. Oh, good. Well, here we go. How do you like my snorkel?

I love it. Ideally, in the ocean, looking at a beautiful reef, is probably why I'd be wearing a snorkel. Other than that, I probably wouldn't put a snorkel on. I think it was just a little tacky. Okay. I mean, that is a perfectly good time to put on a snorkel. I probably wouldn't wear a snorkel.

Catherine, your dog wears clothes. Just shut up. That's a good pause face, by the way. Just stop, Catherine. Just stop. So what do you think happens next, guys? Oh, it's going to be interruption number three. Oh, for sure.

But I just want to know what kind... Like, she's going to top herself at some point with something, right? Well, Catherine decides that she's going to do what she wants. I don't know if she was trying to intimidate me or if she was trying to get me off my game, but I'm not going to let it face me. I'm here to get to know Colton. He's my priority. and if I want to talk to him again, I'm going to talk to him again.

Yeah, that's right. So now Colton isn't even with Anika anymore. He's with another girl. Because she don't want to fuck with Anika, does she? No. That's why I'm telling you, this isn't as fake as you think it is. No, that's fake. That's scripted as shit.

They know they know what you don't want to fuck with Anica? That's plain sight. Yeah, no shit. Well, what do you mean? If Anika's in on it and Catherine's in on it, what's the problem? It's the best storyline. Yeah, the blonde-haired, stupid white girl. of the black girl first couple episodes that's what happens so here's what

happens they have brewing stuff this is just like pro wrestling you could you could you just go with the story yeah excuse me hi hi again how are you do you mind if I interrupt um shirt all right okay I'll see you soon right yes third time's a charm huh I think Third time's the charm, huh? Even he's getting a little sick of her. Why doesn't he say something? Because everybody's just trying. It's like third impression at this point.

Yeah. At that point, does she look crazy or desperate? Both. Yeah. Why can it be both? If it was me doing this, this is the point where I get left on red, you know? All right.

So, I would like to say to Weege in the YouTube, correct. He says, I feel like I'm watching. the gayest rockabilly band in their off time. All right, here we go. Have you had a good night? Did you have a good talk with him? Yeah, yeah. It was a night and then Catherine cut in.

She sold him again? Yeah, he was like, third times a turner. He said that? Oh, my. I think it was frustrating for all this year. We were all like, wait, what? I would not feel comfortable stealing him for a second time right now because I have respect

for the other goals that haven't talked to him yet. But it disadvantages everybody else that's here. No one right now is happy with Catherine's aggressive news. Because a lot of girls still haven't gotten their time with him yet. Hi. And it comes, Catherine. Go ahead. What's your question?

There is supposed to be more time for these girls to have with him after the first impression thing, right? Like, it's not just they talk to him here and they never speak to him again. No, no, no. What they're supposed to do is they meet him. And then they all have like these little tiny couple minutes of chat together, private chat after. So this is the private couple minutes that everybody's supposed to get. And this girl is just walking in in the middle of it and just taking more time. And all of these girls are getting pissed off because most of them have not had any time.

And she's taking three turns. And there's going to be an elimination. So you've got to get in and talk to him before it starts eliminating. At the end of this, we're going to watch the eliminations. And we're going to see who fucking goes home. Okay. I guess I was just, I was thinking that like these girls are flipping out because they're never going to get to talk to them. But that makes more sense.

Some of them might not. And spoiler, if you start drama, you do not get kicked off right away. The producers make sure. Uh, McBride. At this point, I could title this next clip, but we need a hero. This is complete but Catherine's doing. Like, honestly, like, roll. On and cut.

Catherine, can I steal you for a second real quick? Sure. How do you think this chat's going to go, guys? Ooh, I have my hopes. Yeah. How do you think it's going to go? They start making out. Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Is that what you? It's my guess. Your guesses make it out? No, no, my hope. My guess is they start getting into each other's faces, they snap each other's fingers, and they scream a bunch of nonsense at each other. There's either going to be a sap or a napole. That's the 95% chance, 5% chance they start making out.

Okay, McBride. They're going to get into a loud argument, and then the dude's going to hear them and come back, oh, what's going on, guys? What's going on? Why is this happening? Well, the producers are out of you. You're all wrong. Oh.

So how do you feel like your time with Colton was? Too short. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm kind of catching wind from other girls. And just because you've stolen Colton three times already, it's definitely rubbing people the wrong way. I think it almost looks a little desperate, and I don't know if you haven't had, like, good conversations with him.

But I think it's important that you let other girls, like, take time with him. I'm sorry if I stepped on those toes, and I'm sorry if I, like, insulted him. anyone or was too aggressive or you say, I looked desperate, which is hilarious, by the way. But, like, you know what I mean? Like, he's my priority. Who's everyone's priority? I'm just saying, like, respect everyone. I don't think that I have disrespected anybody.

My time with him is very short. I spoke with him probably for 30 seconds the first time, maybe, like, another, like, a minute. It wasn't 30 seconds. I know you think it was longer, but it really was not longer than, like, 30 seconds or a minute. Okay. And don't laugh like that. No, I mean, I know I took him from you and I waited a long time

and made sure you had like plenty of time to talk to him before I went and stole you. Listen, I don't want to argue with you. I'm like the least argument on a person. Yeah, no, definitely. I do not want any, like, bad blood at all. Yeah, you don't want bad blood, so honestly I'm looking out for you at this point.

And I get that. That's why I understand that people are upset that I've talked to him a couple of times if some people haven't. I'm here to keep it real. Yeah. With you with Colton, with everyone here, so...

Cool, well, cheers to that. Cheers to that. Honestly, I feel good about this conversation. Like, I hope you do. I hope you know where people, how people feel. If you don't have haters... Who the fuck watches the show?

Yeah, haters. Exactly. Can we sit up a GoFund Me for over us to hold the boom mic and just listen to these conversations all night? So, I hate the show. Doing these is a fucking chore. But I want to tell you something, guys.

The producers of this show sometimes they fucking surprised me that was a curveball what was that they didn't just get into a big fight it was much more measured than I thought it would be

here's what Anika thought here's what Anika thought right after I feel like the conference you went well all right well that was a good chat even though she was a little defensive I think that I got through to her they start making out stealing Colton

no no they just close so close I was like oh they hit that 5% that's when you know Colton's gay he comes out so he's making oh he's like what is going on honestly the more we say the name colton it makes sense it totally tracks that this dude is gay dude

his name is colton underwood oh my god that's a oh my god is that how's that a fake porn name there's no way that's not a burst that took it somewhere okay move it on you're on the second episode the colton underwood jokes are all the well is dry the well is dry so meanwhile Colton is meeting with another girl I titled this clip holy shit so I got something for you find the silver lining because it's really it's really really hard to be like in the situation you know and having to make those really hard decisions oh you just got told okay thank you yeah thank you yeah thank you

It's like one of those S&L sketches that just goes on too long. Yeah. The next thing Colton says. Yeah. The next words out of Colton's mouth. Four times a charm. Fourth times the charm. Holy shit, right?

She's wasted. She must be. I hope that's the only excuse she has. Unless other than that, she's just a garbage person. You know what I think this is? Here's what I think this is. Let's say, for example, Mike, we'll play the hypothetical that this is not as scripted as you say it is. Okay.

Okay. this girl is doing the nightclub thing where she sees the guy she wants talking to other girls and she just knows to walk up and she doesn't have any real fucking respect for any of these other people that are there I don't think she does I think she is a wildly insane self-absorbed person

who thinks that her dog is her child no you're right she has no self-awareness she only gives a shit about herself and she'll be there till the finale I think her lip filler like seeped into her It must have. And she's really one of the ones I find least attractive. Yeah, not of all.

I disagree. I'm all in on that. Yeah, you just like the fact that she has a dog? Yeah, you know my type. Yeah. So this girl goes back to the other girls. And she decides to be a little tattletail. So I was just talking to Colton.

Okay. So that's great, but I got interrupted. And as... By who? What is her name? The one who brought the dogs. Wait, wait, wait. Catherine interrupted you?

I walked away and he said fourth times the charm. Four times? That's unheard of. It is unheard of. I agree. So slap the bitch in her face. Yeah, that's really the only recourse, I think. Let's go, go.

Just do something then. Now, guys. Here we go. What the hell? I can't believe she's so cold again. I thought we had a great conversation. We hugged it out afterwards and everything. everything but obviously she doesn't care at all okay well i fucking obviously clip that wrong so either

way katherine has interrupted four times and nobody is happy now colton is with another girl the girl who won miss i believe was north carolina caylin they're out on the front porch talking and mike be prepared to have your mind blown and you have beautiful eyes so do you i'm like wow like just drawn oh my god Look at that. Using tongue and everything. You can hardly see a wizard. He just was very well for a bitch.

What did she say? What did you say? What did you say? He just like took the initiative and like drew me in. That's a plug. He's like, wow. He's, yeah. I was about it.

It was good talking to you. Hey, it was very nice talking with you too. So none of these girls have gotten the first impression, Rose. impression, Rose. But he did just make out with that girl. Yeah, it seems like she's the frontrunner. Right. Well, she's not.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Hannah. Hannah, will you accept this, Rose? Absolutely. This, like, means, seriously, the world to me. That was awesome. I mean, this validates, like, everything. There's definitely a chemistry and a nice spark with Hannah. And I kind of say I didn't want to stop this.

It's so stupid and scripted. Thank you. I have never kissed a girl and had her say thank you. I just want you all to know that. I need to point that out. But what a weird thing. He has now kissed two girls at both times and he kissed him. He was kind of aggressive.

He leaned in and went for those. He was. I think when he said virgin, he just means girl virgin with vagina. He's definitely banged a dude. How do you know that? You don't take that kind of initiative. I remember being a virgin.

it wasn't that long ago, you don't take that kind of initiative if you don't have some kind of, you know, experience to back it up with. Okay. Okay. That's RJ's stance. True. But these girls, there's so many green flags they're handing out to him that he can do whatever he wants. True.

It's like. I just don't understand. This dude outed himself. He went on television. He was being blackmailed because he went to this gay massage parlor. Why doesn't he, why didn't he just come out and say I'm bisexual? because he really doesn't like women can't blame him after this shit

I'm just saying though wouldn't I believe a lot of this the anger that people had at him for being on this if he just went up and said hey listen I like whatever I like no that would definitely be more reasonable he should just said I had a group on and I didn't know what this place was there was a bunch of attractive women

I thought they might coach me. That's what Robert Kraft should have done. I had a Groupon. I had a Groupon. I didn't know. It's fucking hysterical. All right. So she got the first impression, Rose.

Ladies and gentlemen, that means it is time to bring this thing into the station. And we are going to watch, there it is, we are going to watch the Rose ceremony that happens right after this. You're going to watch the whole thing. We're going to find out who goes home and who stays. You all look so beautiful. Liar. He meant icky. I love how he's handing out a rose, which is supposed to be a happy thing, but the music sounds like someone's about to be murdered.

It's ominous as fuck. So, yeah, it's the one he was making out with right. Yep, second pick. Of course. Thank you. Second pick first round. Boom. There she goes.

A little smaller signing bonus. Yeah. Katie. Katie? It was Katie. Oh, sorry. Katie. Can you accept this for us?

Yes. Thank you. Colton is a great match for me. How do you know? I'm definitely not ready to go home. Do you have a penis? Alex B. I feel like Colton could be someone.

that gives me what I deserve. Alex. Oh no. A very fancy apartment. All the way and see if Colton really is the person that I could fall in love with. Kevin Eric Snell. First depression. How about Christopher Walk into something?

It's terrible. Would you accept this rose? Yes. Thank you. I hate this show. It's painful. This is like too. breaks, too. I had to cut this together.

Really? Yeah. Because this show is so fucking they just draw shit out. Yeah. This show does not need to be a 90 minutes long. She should have interrupted Mika's, gross kidding. It's an hour? It's a 90 minutes. It's an hour and a half? Yes.

Oh my God. This is a feature film. Absolutely. And it's, so every week is 90 minutes. It's not just like the premier It feels too. I think that some are an hour and most are now. What fucking he kills me is that this is on network. Yeah.

Girl to girls. If it's an like offshoot cable bullshit, bullshit. I get mad at this, but honestly, WWE Raw is three hours. This makes Monday Night Raw look like Shakespeare in the fucking park. It does. Do you not know the girls that are like viewing parties of this? I know girls who do that.

I know you know girls that I never really associated with in high school. Like the girly girls. it's not really my things I mean no I I wouldn't care that'd be great you watch this with your people I watch cage fighting I get it I would leave him alone but I would watch this

with comics like we're doing as like a mission science theater type thing and shit on it but I would never be able to I like 90 fucking letters no that's why you don't it's why you look at them up there for and I even watch a fucking ship with a girlfriend's like my wife tanned out on this shit you do your wife did

Jessica tats out of us What was the break in for her? Seven minutes in. We don't accept this rose. Of course. I'm just praying, praying, then I walk away with a rose in my hand.

Call my name for me. Say Courtney. Food producers. This is air on Mondays? That would be really nice send your significant other hour and you can just watch Monday night football. There you go.

There you go. Or Thursday at this point. Yeah. I don't know what I think this is on. I've watched all online, unfortunately. My fucking. search history is so fucking weird it's like filled with scum

great stories in the patchlar atrocity and fucking network television romance so we're getting towards the end and captain has not gotten a rose yet boys she'll she will I have absolute faith that she will

I will happily accept your rose and then Anika She already got one Yeah she got one already I just want you guys to know that there's still five minutes left Oh my god You know

Did they get like slow motion at some point? Did you guys just watch Mike slunched down? I'm dead, yeah He just got so upset Erica Back from the break I feel bad for the crew The television's gross

Of course Thank you I'm easy giving out tonight If I was a human being And I was looking for a wife If these are all 90 in episodes They gotta cut out at least like two more hours of footage

Call them a limo I'll put them all in there together and send them all. I gotta be honest with you. There's probably so much shit behind the scenes of that. I don't trust you talking about. Yeah. That's got to be unreal. That would probably be more entertaining than the actual romance.

I don't think I can remember this many girls' names. I could be going home tonight. I did too. Is there a Brenda? She'll get one, whatever. I would need massive names. That's why flavorfully gave them all nicknames. Yes.

Kathy. Katie. Karen? Breathe. Will you accept this first? Mike Barry's so done. And honestly, how much you think he plots out in his head? He's like, okay, I have to make sure I let the minority

to do the first round at least so people don't think I'm racist. No, fuck, don't. That'd be my... White just goes out there. White girls, round two. Wait, what? I was freaking out. I'm not sweating it.

I have a good conversation. Yeah, girls round too. Oh, Hispanic blow them up, Indian, definitely. Tracy. Oh, they just suspended our stream. I'm not worried about it. I'm not going anywhere. Oh, really?

Tracy, will you accept this rest? Are we not on? Dan, did this really get back to ABC? I'd be very much that if I did go home tonight. Sorry, everybody. Cool. You just have to listen to the podcast. Catherine and Paul Colton at least three times.

Nicole, will you accept this roast? Of course. I am. I am surprised that Catherine will get the final rose. There's one. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Ladies, Colton.

This is the final rose tonight. When you're ready. They're probably on six cases. Yeah. No guys, we need. Gotcha. Of course. He's going to throw a photo.

He's going to be like, you don't get this. I hate you and your fucking dog. If Mike Barry was the matcher, he would have just bit the head off the rose and throw the fucking stab at her face. Or one of the other girls interrupts the rose. Like, can I take this for a minute? Sorry, just grabs the rose and goes. Ladies, I'm sorry. If you do not receive a rose, take a moment. I go, thank God.

Say your goodbyes. Bye, blue. It's so nice meeting you. Because there's just going to be a series of just trying to top that. It's like a good news. It's almost as bad as a flavor of love when the one girl shit on the floor and another girl was eliminated before. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

That's the worst one. Obviously, with some of the girls tonight, I think he's definitely in the same. I saw every single one of these people in my head earlier going home. One girl didn't get a rose. It doesn't make sense to me. A bunch didn't. She's just very sad. I think I was taken out of this equation.

What they're doing right now is trying to frame Catherine. Who's nice meeting now? Because some of the girls then never got to spend time with them. I thought I was going to get my fairy tale ending. But that did not happen. So I'm really upset because I really thought what was my Prince Charming. Catherine did you a favor. Thank you for everything.

everything is so nice to be good luck thank you you too yeah we really do you have amazing impression that you thought you did or wanted to and you walk out of it not feeling your best but on my end I feel like there's something connection and there could have been potential there but that they got out of amateurs in the end it's the thing that they're not actresses they're all of you love the ladies they might be want to be actresses but they've never been cast they're other than this is so terrible I want to I want to I want to I want to I want to be past it.

I don't know, man. I don't know if I can buy that. But it's hard. Like, it's hard to get rejected. Guys, welcome home. It's hard to get rejected. You never even talk to the guy. It's not rejection.

Yay! Do these girls all have only fans now once they get eliminated? Absolutely. Yeah, that's why they probably did going into this. And then knowing that Colton wasn't one of their subscribers was the first tip loss. Well, Colton could probably. having only fans now too, right?

Oh, he'll rake right the fuck up. Yeah, he will. Yeah, man. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is this week's Creeps and Roses. When we come back on the next episode, we are going to get into the dates. We are going to get into all sorts of fun stuff. Probably not.

It won't be fun, but I want to... For anybody who actually watches this show, get help. Hold on, where's my board? If you actually watch The Bachelor... Stop it. get some help thank you that is all hope you all have a beautiful beautiful week we would be back on

monday and uh carl will be super happy to be back because apparently during the show quomo resigned what really yeah during the show people are messaging me big news yeah so everybody's happy all my oh yeah all my I'm yeah there they go they can be happy yeah let him be happy give them a win every now and again right all right that's it shit we're not even on we're not even on because we got thrown the fuck off. Thanks for having me. Bye. Bye. Anybody want to plug anything?

No. No. Sure. Thank you.