The Daily Stoic - Jaimie Alexander: “I Was Asked If I Wanted to Live or Die”

Episode Date: January 24, 2026

You’ve seen Jaimie Alexander as the tough, unstoppable character on screen, but what was happening off camera tells a completely different story. In this episode, Ryan sits down with actress Jaimie for one of the most honest conversations she’s ever shared publicly. She opens up about a near-death experience, years of hidden alcoholism, and the moment she realized the life she was pushing through wasn’t sustainable anymore. Jaimie also talks about how Stoic philosophy became a grounding force in her recovery, how curiosity helped replace fear, and more. Jaimie Alexander is known for her role as Lady Sif in the Marvel Cinematic Universe films Thor (2011), Thor: The Dark World (2013), and Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), as well as the television series Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Kyle XY, and Blindspot.Follow Jaimie on Instagram @JaimieAlexander and subscribe to her Substack called "In The Hallway"🎥 Watch the video episodes on The Daily Stoic YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@DailyStoic/videos🎙️ Follow The Daily Stoic Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dailystoicpodcast✉️ Want Stoic wisdom delivered to your inbox daily? Sign up for the FREE Daily Stoic email at https://dailystoic.com/dailyemail🏛 Get Stoic inspired books, medallions, and prints to remember these lessons at the Daily Stoic Store: https://store.dailystoic.com/📱 Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, and FacebookSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, designed to help bring those four key stoic virtues, courage, discipline, justice, and wisdom into the real world. Hey, it's Ryan. Welcome to another episode of the Daily Stoic Podcast. By the time you are listening to this, I think it's coming out on Saturday, we may all be frozen solid here in Texas. People are freaking out. It's not supposed to be that cold, but Texas, it doesn't get that cold. hear that often so they really freak out. They close all the roads. The power grid is taxed. That is a real problem. Texas has its own power grid for some weird political reason. And so it can't, I think, as easily take power from other parts of the country that aren't undergoing weather things. That's why we had in 2021 this crazy freeze. It's like nine degrees out. I remember we lost power in the middle of I had to go sleep in my kid's room in their bed so they literally could stay alive. I don't think it's supposed to be that serious, but there is a lot going on.

We're doing a dinner at the painted porch for people who bought a bunch of copies of wisdom. It's the Vlospher's dinner that we do for the launches of all of them. We've been looking forward to it for a long time. It's hard to justify canceling a thing because here it's 30 degrees when that's a normal temperature for this time of year all over the country. So I'm not sure exactly what's going to happen, but people have been freaking out about it. Should we move it? Should we cancel it? What should we do?

I said, this or that. And I texted her she posted on Instagram. I said, I'm not going to worry about it, but somebody probably should, which to me is that's what delegation is about. I'm not saying it's not worth thinking about. It is worth thinking about. It's just not worth me thinking about because, one, I don't know anything about it. I'm not a logistics and planning person, but also I have other things I'm supposed to be thinking about that if I don't think about, don't get thought about. What does that have to do with today's episode? Nothing, just what's going on here. Over the years, I've heard from tons of people. Actually, I just heard from someone yesterday that got introduced to Stoicism in recovery, the Daily Stoic, and ideas from the Stoics have been passed around the 12-step community for many, many years. And in fact, I think some of the original founders of

Alcoholics Anonymous quoted the Stoics from time to time. Certainly the serenity prayers got some real overlap with the Stoics. But it's been amazing to hear people who talk about how philosophy helped them get sober, stay sober, how to live a good life, how to rebuild their life after they blew up their life. Or just however alcoholism can ravage families and friend groups and communities. And recently someone who I'm certain you have seen on TV or at the movie theater, Talk to me about just that. That's today's guest, the actress Jamie Alexander.

We were actually connected by a mutual friend who told me that Jamie reads The Daily Stoic every single day. And when I heard more about her story, she had to come on the podcast, so she did when she was here in Austin. Jamie's path tooicism and sobriety was actually caused by this crazy near-death experience, which she tells the story of in today's episode. I think this was a really powerful conversation. I think you're going to like it. And it just goes to show what someone's life looks like on the outside.

At the peak of their career, walking red carpets, landing huge roles, being famous, being a hero to little girls. But their inner world can be falling apart. They could be really going through something. They could be at rock bottom. And Jamie has been through a lot, but she's come out of it stronger. And I think she's got a really interesting perspective that you're going to get a lot out of. As I said, you've almost certainly seen a movie or a TV show with Jamie in it. She's part of the Marvel universe. She was Lady Siff in the Thor movies. She's been on Agents of Shield, Kyle X-Y. She was the star of the NBC series Blind Spot, to name a few.

You can follow Jamie on Instagram at Jamie Alexander, J-A-I-M-I-E. I've spelled Jamie many, many ways over the years as an author. People go, it's Jamie, spelled like you think. It's never like you think. Hers is spelled J-A-I-M-E, Alexander. And you can also subscribe to her substack, which is great in the hallway. I'll link to that in today's show notes. Let's just get into this episode.

So you just learned how to swim? I did. Like you didn't know your whole life or you just weren't good at it. I could tread water, but my mother didn't know how to swim. So I never learned. She didn't teach me to be afraid of the water. It's just I grew up being afraid of it. Well, yeah.

If you don't know how to swim, you're going to be a little afraid. Well, I'm literally like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Like the way water it was, I should say, not is, but was my Achilles. So the journey of how I got to learn is pretty interesting. Tell me. Well, the thing is, you know, about six weeks ago, I found myself in a kind of a heavy depression. And I've gone in and out of that most of my life. I didn't know what to call it, obviously.

But now, you know, I've been sober from us eight years and I've gotten to know myself quite well. And so I thought, what is this? Like, why is this happening? And I thought, you know, I don't feel useful. That's why. I don't feel like I have a purpose. And so my history had been, well, let's go find it outside somewhere, outside of myself. Let's go do this and be the best at that and do this crazy thing.

And everybody expects you to do, you know, these crazy physical stunts. And then I thought, like, what if I start doing this stuff that terrifies me? And look, this isn't like jumping off a building. I've done that. But this isn't that. It's more just like, people have fun doing this and yet I'm scared of it. So I want to get past that. What's it all about?

And so I asked a friend of mine who's done like some Ironman competitions and triathlons. I said, if I found a pool in New York, would you teach me like once a week? Yeah. And he said, yeah. And I was like, oh, gosh. Now I have an accountability partner. And so I went to my friend's pool, who she was so lovely to introduce me to her doorman and all this stuff. And they let me swim there.

Yeah. Mind you, it's a 40-foot pool. It's not very long. Sure. So this is like perfect for somebody like me to learn. And it turns out I'm actually physically built like a swimmer and I'm really good at it compared to what I thought. And I started to have so much fun right away because it wasn't about winning. It wasn't about being great at it or anything.

It was just like, hey, maybe this is one of those things I could use to help somebody else. And so my goal is to eventually maybe six months to a year from now compete for charity. Oh. So that is the goal that I've set for myself. It can be hard to go back and learn. things that, like, you should be good at. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

Like, as an adult, we were like, if you're like, hey, I want to figure out theoretical physics, you know, people are like, okay, I'm sure that's hard. But it's hard when you're like, I don't know, if you don't know how to ride a bike or you don't know how to swim or to go back and be a beginner at something that, like, most of the beginners at our children. Like, you think about someone who's like, maybe they didn't learn to read or they're like, they really struggle in school to then go back and be like, oh, no, I have to do like, fifth grade math. Yes. That's hard to do. Yeah. It's a big hit to the ego.

And what I've learned about myself is those big hits to my ego are great. Sure. They're good for me. Yeah, to be bad at something is good. It's humbling and kind of immersive to go do a thing for, not just like, hey, I'm bad at it. That's why I don't do it. But to do it because you're bad at it. Right.

But also, like, it helps me get rid of my own. own fear, like this, this rumination that I always have, you're not good enough, you're not this, you're not that. It's like, okay, you know what? Like, F you. Because, like, I've had enough of that in my life and I just thought, this is my life, you know. Like, I am living on borrowed time. If life were fair, I would be dead. I wouldn't be here. I had an incident back in 2018 where I was given a choice, like, do you want to stay or do you want to go? And what happened? You really want to know. Sure. So I had been working on a series that was very physically demanding for a while, and I had gotten into the habit of drinking myself to sleep. I was just always in pain.

I'm, you know, dislocated shoulder, broken nose, like, you name it. Like, according to my orthopedic surgeon, who happens to be the head of NYU sports medicine, I've had more injuries than a pro footballer. And he has a good sense of humor, but he wasn't joking. So I was like, no, I was reading about it. It seems like, I think people think, act. must be sort of nice and cushy, but you seem like you get hurt a lot. Me specifically, yeah. I don't know what that says about me. I think I'm a little bit of a daredevil.

But, you know, there was people pleasing in that. Because I was like, if I do the stunt, then we get to go home early, which means my entire crew gets to go see their families. And that was something I took very personally, like I took responsibility for everybody's well-being on my set, which to a degree is nice. It's kind to respect other people's time. And, yes. So you're saying there were things where you were like you didn't feel good about it or you felt like it wasn't being done the right way or you didn't maybe understand but you didn't want to kind of like we're talking about the swimming. You don't want to be like, I need more instruction or let's do it this different way because that would be inconvenient.

Yes. I was always worried about being an inconvenience to people. But that said, I am quite skilled at a lot of the stunt work I was doing. I'm currently not doing any right now, not on purpose anyway. But I was always. I was a high school wrestler. I had a big background in sports. And I knew how to do the things I was doing. It's just when you do too much of something for too long, it's too much. And your body can't, at some point, is going to tell you stop or we're going to make you stop. And that's what happened to me. And I remember this so vividly. Like I would, I dislocated my shoulder and it went right back in. I've literally been so lucky with some of the injuries I've had. And I just looked at it. And I was like, dang it. I'm right-handed. Like, how am I going to do this fight sequence? And the same thing when I broke my nose. I went to the hospital, got the CT scan, and came back to set and started sword fighting again with like a kind of a screwed up face. And it's just like, wouldn't quit. Like, I was like, no. Sure.

You know, I'm responsible for this. And so I just remember that, you know, even though I had all this swelling and I had pain, I wouldn't even take Advil or Tylenol. But I would drink an entire bottle of bourbon at night to fall asleep. Yeah. So my wiring had gotten so screwed up over my life. It was my magic potion. It was my best friend. I could do anything. As long as I had a little of that in my system or a lot, nobody around me knew. I was so high functioning in that sense. I mean, the amount of effort it must have taken for me to hide this from everybody. No wonder I had an organ explode. Yeah. You know? So what happened? So it was kind of like four days in the making. This like beginning of the end is kind of how I refer to it. I had met this guy, really nice guy, who. happened to be sober. And I just thought, oh, like, okay, cool for, I don't know, like, he doesn't drink, you know.

Yeah. But I remember when I met him on our first date, I thought to myself, I wish I could do that. Like, I had a thought. And I was about seven or eight measuring shots full of bourbon before I even got there. Yeah. And proceeded to order another double bourbon while he ordered, I think, an Arnold Palmer. And he was so relaxed and comfortable with himself. And I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin. I just felt so weird, you know? And so we had that date, and I just remember it was like, click something. It's like I started hearing a whisper of like, hmm. Like that you could be a person. Yeah, I could live.

I know, it would be okay. And we stayed in touch a little bit. I had to work a lot, so I didn't see him for a while. And then one Saturday, he was like, hey, do you want to come with me? A little drive upstate. I'm looking at properties. He's like, don't take this weirdly. You know, he's like, I'm not asking to like move in with you or anything.

He's like, I just, that's what my weekend's going to entail and I'd like to see you. Yeah. And so I said, sure, like a day trip. That's fun. the night before I had gotten obliterated to fall asleep because I knew I had to be up early to get in his car to go upstate. So I get in the car and he gives me this like really heavy like green smoothie full of kale and all this other stuff. And I was like, oh, thanks. I was like, if I drink half of this, I'm going to literally ruin your car.

So we go upstate and a snowstorm that was predicted to be very mild end up being like a blizzard. And we got stuck. And so he's like, look, I really can't try to drive back down right now. He's like, if you're comfortable, he's like, I'd really like to just rent a place and stay the night. And he's like with more than one bedroom. Like, it's not, you know, I'm not trying to, you know, make a pass or anything. And so I was like, oh, sure, not thinking how hard it was going to be for me to not drink. Right.

Because your sort of secret life is intersecting with your. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't bring a flask. And I always had a flask. I mean, I say these things out loud and I think I'm talking about someone else. And I'm like, no, that's me. That was me.

So get in the car, we go upstate, Blizzard hits, we rent an Airbnb, I realize very quickly that there's no alcohol in there. Yeah. I am like the most good. If somebody like mischarges me on a grocery bill, even 10 cents, I go back to the grocery store and give them the dime. I can't, I can't not do that. And I've always been that way. So the thought that I would have stolen someone else's alcohol so that I could feel better really did not make me feel very good about myself. I tore that place apart. I looked everywhere while trying to hide. from him that I was like losing my shit because he didn't know that I had this battle. I didn't really even know. Would you go through literal withdrawals if you didn't do it or you were just like, no, this is like how I sort of deal with anxiety and stress. Like I'm just wondering how bad it was. I at the time did not know if I would because I had never tried. Right. So I mean, there were times where, you know, over the years I'd trained for something and I would stop drinking for a while,

but I think that was well before I crossed the line into alcoholism. Yeah. So I was very shaky. So we went to bed, a lot of crazy stuff having the power went out, and I was like, I'm in literal hell. And he was like, maybe I could do some rakey or do you want to meditate with me? And I was like, where's the gun? Like, you know, I just want to like turn my brain off. And we ended up doing some rakey. He did some rakey and I was like, oh, this is quite nice, you know, but I was like, oh, sober people. And then the next day, weather cleared up, you know, ended up very carefully driving back down to Brooklyn where I lived, went in my apartment, went to pour a drink and I couldn't drink it. It was the most bizarre. Like, I would drink, even if I had pneumonia.

That's a true story. I had pneumonia, and I drank anyway. When I hurt my spine back in 2012, there was a co-star that ended up bringing small bottles of alcohol into the hospital. I mean, this is not new. This is not new for me. I didn't know all this until I did the work in a 12-step program, but so I couldn't drink it. And I was like, you got to go to bed.

It's late. You have to be up at 4 a.m. for work. Just go to bed, you know. And I left it open. I mean, I left the giant. Bourbon straight, no ice, on the counter. And I, because I just thought, well, I'll drink it tomorrow or something. I go to bed, I wake up, make my coffee go to work.

And I am so shaky. I don't feel good. And I just think, you didn't sleep, you know, you didn't sleep enough. And I started eating so much junk. I mean, you would have been like, are you insane? Like, Nutella covered waffles. I think I even got the waffle truck to come to work. I had ice cream.

And all these things that I was like, I'm going to throw up if I keep. doing this because I have some stunts I have to do. But I couldn't not have it. And I just kept getting shakier and shakier. And that night I went home, tried to train. And my trainer was like, stop. She's like, you don't look okay. You're losing your balance. Why does it go? She's like, maybe you just need to go to bed, you know, again, unaware of my alcoholism. And so I was like, oh, all right, cool, you know, oops. And I looked in the mirror and I did look kind of strange. But that wasn't weird for back then because, again, my body was being torn apart by that show. you know, I was having, I had a struggle with a lot of chemical burns on my skin from the fake tattoos.

There's a lot of things that maybe one day very respectfully I will talk about, but right now I don't feel is the time for that. But I had a lot of stuff going on. So when I look in the mirror and I'm black under my eyes and I'm white as a ghost, that's not that crazy. You know, part of it is just you're disassociated from what's happening outside and what's happening inside. That's kind of the whole point is like you can get to a place where you just don't have to feel stuff. or think about stuff in the sense that it's like working, that's what it's doing. That's the technology of it. You don't have to do that stuff. Yeah, very effective.

Yeah. Very effective. You know, so I stopped the workout. You know, it went back to the bourbon that was sitting on the counter. I remember checking it out because it wasn't fresh. And like pouring another one and it literally felt like something was pulling the glass out of my hand. It was the weirdest. It's actually scared me.

Like, it's like I could feel something being like, do not drink this. And I was like, again, not my normal. Like I was like, now that's three days without this. And I'm feeling very shaky and I'm kind of so dizzy that I can't, you know, it was not good. So I just said, just go to bed, just go to bed. There's something in me that was like, just go to bed. And I went to sleep, could not sleep that night.

I was awake all night. I sleep with the covers like up to my chin, like a little, like a little tiny little, you know, cat or something. And I did. I just pulled them up. And I remember thinking like, please, please, please, I need to fall asleep. I need to fall asleep. there was just something in me that was like, do not go back in the living room to the bar card and get that stuff. Don't do it. And I went to sleep somehow. And I woke up and I felt better. I wonder if it was like my soul felt better. Like I was doing something that, you know, I was like, I don't think I knew that I was doing maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. Yeah. But I had a really weird stomach egg. And I just thought, oh, you ate all that crap yesterday. You can't do that today. You know, again, really ignoring like, hey, you know, you're not really one to get stomach aches.

Right. But I just thought, well, yeah, that makes sense. I ate a bunch of crap and, you know, so I go to work and we're filming in Manhattan. And the stomachache just keeps getting worse. And I never even took tums. And I was like, well, then it'll work, you know. And so I asked the nurse, I'm like, hey, can have some tums? And like, what's the amount you can have safely?

I was like, can I chew like nine of these? And I had it, it did not make one difference. So she, you know, thought maybe it was trapped air. I don't know. You know, she was so sweet. And again, my pain tolerance was incredibly high. that point because half of it was shut off. When you're not taking care of yourself so you always feel shitty. So what is actually something to be alarmed by? Right. I couldn't tell the difference. And I,

and so it started getting worse and she was pushing on my stomach. And it got to the point where I was like, I can't stand up straight. And I had this giant machine gun. I'm running up the stairs in this scene. And actually a paparazzi got photos of that day. And I created a little substack recently. And I put them up there so people could see sort of the reality of the situation. And I did not look good. And And that was like full on makeup and everything, right? So I was like, oh, got to my trailer midday. Now, I think also I didn't really tell everybody like just how bad it was hurting because this was going to be the first half day of work I had ever had on the show.

And I was about to go meet the new guy who I really liked and we were going to go hear a lecture. So I was very excited. I was like, I have a half day. And plus you have this habit of not you've told yourself you're the kind of person that doesn't inconvenience people with your stuff. Yes. Yeah. And I'm the tough one, right?

Yeah, sure. like tough all other characters I've ever played have had this like grit about them and this toughness and I just think I was meshing myself into these characters thinking well if they can do it I can do it you know which is crazy especially in the Marvel world but I started it started to get worse I went to my trailer for lunch I was I was supposed to be wrapped by them but I wasn't so I was like okay no problem you know and it got to the point where I like I could not stand I fully was bent over and they called a doctor to the set I and the doctor said do you have ovarian cysts like what's Did you ask for the doctor?

They had to. I asked. I'm just saying because that's like not a small thing. It's not a small thing. And it's interesting that like visibly, you know, looking back and talking to some of the folks I still know from that job, they were like, you looked horrible. And I thought, interesting that no one decided, hey, maybe she needs a doctor. Right. You know, it was like, hey, no.

So nobody wants to force a doctor on. That's why you have to be an advocate for yourself because like it feels like it's, not my place to do this thing for you. There's that. And also, if we have to shut down, that costs Warner Brothers X amount of money. And I get it. That's a really shitty place for a lot of producers to be in. Sure.

Because they're just like, how can we best handle this where everybody's okay, you know? And I was so strong. I mean, I was literally, you know, I told you, I'd dislocated shoulder, put it in a sling and continue to do a knife fight in the back of a van one day. I mean, it was just like chaos, right? So they were really also responding to how I normally was. Right, right, right. So a doctor comes asked about ovarian cyst, because now the pain had gone to my lower right side. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I would know if I had one of those.

So I said, no, I don't think so, you know. And at this point, I'm on the floor of my trailer. And the doctor steps out. I can't remember where he went. He may have went to talk to the producer or something. And I had my phone, like, close enough where I started to be like, something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. And I grabbed the phone and I called a producer and I said, I need to go to the hospital or something. I need help.

And coincidentally, my OBGYN, where we were filming, he was like a few streets over. So they were like, let's take her there because I think the producers thought, oh, it's ovarian or something because of the doctor. I think there was like a miscommunication. I got in there. That guy took one look at me, did an ultrasound. He goes, your appendix is rupturing. He's like, you need to have the driver take you to a hospital right now.

An ambulance will take too long. He's like, if they don't take this out right away, I will come and do it myself. And this guy, I've known for a while, and I have never seen him look like this. And I was like, oh, God. You know, I was just like, wait, what? Like, I was like, no, I have to go back to work. You know, like, my brain was just like, no, no, no, no. still trying to make it not what it was. And I get to the ER and they put me through a CT scan and they're like, you are entering sepsis. And I again was like what I don't understand. And meanwhile, I have a bunch of fake wounds on. So they're going and I'm like, those aren't real, you know. And then I'm trying to pull the tattoos that I was wearing for this job off my body because people were taking photos of me in the emergency area. And I felt so awkward because again, oh gosh, I can't look weak in front of anybody, right? So I go through the,

process of getting prepped for the OR, and I had a what a lot of us in recovery like to refer to as a white light moment. I was, I didn't grow up religious. You know, I kind of always felt like there was something maybe out there helping me out, but I had lost touch with it for so long, I thought, and I heard a voice and it said, do you want to stay or do you want to go? And at that time, I had been left in this, like, I don't know where I was. I had a sheet over me, and I was, I just knew from like my breasts to my knees, I was covered in orange dye, which I guess is beta dye or something. I don't know. It was something. sterile to like so that they can cut you open. Yeah, I just remember being like, what is, and I had felt so

hot on the inside and all of a sudden, as soon as I heard the voice, I did not feel anything. And I was like, it's over. Like, I didn't have any pain. And this pain, I've been told by certain doctors and I can't speak to this because I have no children. But they say it's worse than childbirth. And I was like, well, you might want to ask a few other women that because I don't know if that's true, but it was, it was horrible. I mean, I did have contractions. It was like, and then the organ. burst. And I, so it said, do you want to stay? Do you want to go? And my first thought was, I remember you. And I was just like, and like I can get emotional about it now because I just knew. Sure. I knew that I was, I wasn't by myself and I wasn't afraid. Like all that fear I had felt

before was just gone. And it felt like that, that, when I heard that voice, like that's my existence. Like that's the real thing. Like this, I don't know what this is, but. That was like, oh, like, you know, like I felt like I was home somehow. It's hard to explain it. And I heard this voice. It was within myself. I didn't hear it externally. I didn't see anything. I just knew. Like, I just felt it. And I said, I remember you. And then I thought I was right. And I grew up in a very violent house. I grew up. You were right. What do you mean? Like, I was right. Like, I haven't been alone this whole time. Like, I was right that, like, that thing that I hoped that there was out there was there. And. It was such a weird feeling. And then I remember thinking, why have I worried every single day of my life? What am I doing? Like, what a waste of time, you know? And I said to it, you know, I didn't want it to go away because I felt so happy.

But my theory was this before. So I replied to it and I said, I think I need to say, I think there's something else I'm supposed to do. And I really felt like that. Like it was giving me a choice, which was very strange. I mean, if we consider the concept of free will, I was like, well, case and point, I guess. And I thought, you know what, if you've always been there, like I think you have, you'll be there later. So why should I go now? Right. And that was my reasoning behind it. I was like, I'm going to do it better this time. And immediately when I made that choice, it said, then you can never drink again. And I was like, what? Whoa. Like, you know, I didn't even, I didn't know that any, that had anything to do with anything. And it was like, the weight of the world went off my shoulders. And I was like, oh, there's a name for it. There's like a name for what I've been. doing and what's been screwing up my everything. And like, there's a name for my darkness that I can choose to fix. Yeah. Like, that is within my control. And, and I was so happy. I mean, I was

like, deliriously happy. Mind you, I had no medication in my system because they were about to put me under for a very long time. So I had asked for it. I was like, please, like, make it stop, you know. Yeah, turn me on. So I was as sober as I'd ever been. But as soon as I said, okay, I won't. I promise. I will never drink again. All the doctors came in. And it was like time it stood still. the voice was gone, and I was so happy. I remember telling them it's going to be okay. And then I had this thought the other day because I was like, I'm pretty sure I told them I loved them. The doctors?

Yeah, like it was so interesting, like to say that to a couple strangers that are busy. You know, it's like, stop distracting them and trying to like hold their hand. I know I tried to hold this one woman's hand. Yeah, I remember that one. And so they rushed me into the OR and at the same, like when they were lifting me off the gurney, because again, things started moving very fast, like immediately and still couldn't feel anything. was starting to feel very delirious, and they pulled me from the gurney to the OR table, and my IV caught, like, on a screw or something. I don't know what it was, but it snapped the

tube, and all the blood started to come out of my arm, and I felt my arm go, like, very cold and limp, and I still didn't care. I was like, oh, uh-oh, you know, and then they put me on the OR table, and that's when the mask went over my face, and they were gassing me to knock me out, because this has gotten really bad, very fast, I guess, and I felt myself not able to breathe, and I literally felt my heart stopping and my lung stop, and I grabbed. I remember I took my right arm and tried to grab the anesthesiologist's throat, which, you know, I mean, I felt like I was going to flatline or something like I was going to die. And it's so funny because I did that just to be like, no, no, no, you don't need that. Take it off. You know, I don't know what I was thinking. But that's the last thing I remember. I woke up feeling cold. I felt so happy and so much joy. And I remember the doctors having a little meeting with me. I think I still had the like hair and out on or something because I remember being like, can I take this off? vanity. And they said, you know, this is going to be touch and go for a few days. You could end up being in here for, you know, a week to months. And I was thinking, oh, there's a lot of people that

are going to be pissed off about that. But I said to them, I said, no, I'm okay. I'll be okay. And my blood tested clean on the second day, no sepsis, which is crazy. Mind you, I was on like an antibiotic, like crazy drip every 45 minutes. But they kept me another three days because they thought this is not accurate. And they kept checking and kept checking. And they kept checking. And then finally they let me go on day five. I got to go home. And I was like, if that's not some sort of confirmation that what I met in that room was real,

I don't know what is. Because again, like I said, if life were fair, if like two plus two equals four on paper when it comes to life and grace, I would be dead. There's just no way that somebody like me could have survived that.

I mean, it was literally, I feel like I was given a choice. And I had told the doctor eventually, I think on like day three, that I think I had a drinking problem. And she was very serious. She was, when did you last drink? And I said, like, three or four days before I got here, she's like, I want you to know something.

She's like, you are very lucky. She was actually really kind of mean in a good way, like tough love. And she said, you're very lucky. She's like, if you had drank one or two days before this, you would be dead. And she's like, so if you need help, you let me know. And she's like, I'm going to give you some literature. And I was just like, okay. I mean, I was so scared into being sober.

I mean, it accidentally got sober. Like I didn't do it on purpose. And then I was like, no, I have to do it on purpose. Today's sponsor is Chime, the fee-free banking app changing the way people bank. Chime is not just another banking app. They unlock smarter banking for everyday people with products like MyPay, which gives you access to up to $500 of your paycheck any time and can get you paid up to two days early with direct deposit.

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Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms. The ideal scenario would be all this happens and then you just never felt a desire to drink ever again. Yeah, that would have been great. But that's probably not how it went, right? That is not how it went. That's actually when the work starts is coming out of the hospital. Yeah. The first thing is taking advantage of a moment of grace.

When you have something, it's quiet usually. Like I love that quote, confidence is silent and securities are loud. I feel that any time I need to get in touch with my inner voice, it's quiet. It makes me, I have to be still to hear it a lot of times. You don't hear voices where you're doing 30 other things. No, no. You might feel something. And then it's your choice, whether or not you want to consciously, you know, connect with it.

But I had to have the courage to ask for help. And I think whatever's out there, higher power, whatever you want to call it, knew that I wasn't going to be able to do it by myself. And it's like, you know what, we're going to wake your ass up because you are so headstrong. You're so I've looked after everybody in my life, my entire life. I'm financially responsible for some other people in my family. I've always been the tough person. I, you know, at a very young age, ended up getting my mom to divorce her second husband, who was a very abysional. I mean, I just am like doing things that kids don't normally do. So for me to ask somebody for help was that equaled failure to me. And this was like, you don't have another choice. You can't even walk. So it's like, you're going to, once you're out of the wheelchair, you need to ask for help. And I asked that guy I was dating. I said, I know I have a problem. And he thought, wait what? Like he didn't see it. And then he thought, I think you're just like sensitive. You went through a lot. And I was like, no, let me tell you about how I used to drink. As I said it out loud, it was like,

okay, you're going to have to say goodbye to your best friend and a part of you is dead and good for you, but also this is going to be the worst thing you've ever been through. I imagine the higher power part of the 12-step program was easier for you given the whatever the mysterious force pushing you away from drinking when it would have killed you. And then, of course, the question in the hospital. Yes, you would think so. I think the further I got from that incident in the hospital, the more I was like, you know what, this sucks. Like this is so hard, you know. Like I say to a lot of people, I say, you know, there's not one person on Earth that doesn't want to shut off life for a few minutes. Life is hard. It is what it is. But if you didn't have adversity in your life, you would not have an opportunity to show up. And that's where Stoicism came in to the whole thing for me. When did you find Stoicism? I found it through sobriety. Interesting. Now, I'm talking about the textbook version of Stoicism. I had always operated. And this is what I learned about myself through reading, you know, meditations, Marcus Aurelius.

Epictetus I'm a huge fan of. They couldn't be more different in the way they lived their lives or what life had presented them, but they had the same type philosophy. Yes. It's really interesting, right? So we are not our outside situations. We are how we choose to respond to our outside situations. And when I used to think that way a lot and I used to kind of daydream, sometimes I get teased

about it. And then I realize this is one of the things that's going to keep me sober. Yeah. Because this is, I know this to be true. Like I have that knowing whether I'm right or wrong. I know for myself this type of, you know, this type of philosophy is going to help me in times where I cannot see straight. And in times where I'm having a really rough time because, you know, I look at that situation that happened to me in the hospital. Boy, going into the hospital, I was like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me ever.

And it's going to affect a lot of people I work with. They're going to be jobless. They're going to be, you know, and I was like, blah, whatever. I get out and I'm almost eight years sober now, God willing. And I think that was by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. So I learned a lot from that. So this ties into a higher power thing is like, I really don't know what's good or bad. And I'm holding up air quotes here because I really don't.

Yes. You know, something can be, you know, we're not dumb. We can realize when we're like, oh, you know, like I broke my shoulder. That frigging hurts. That really sucks. But that could lead to something that, you know, really wonderful. And this has put me stoicism and my sobriety. and the way my life has gone over the last few years,

which is not like I thought it would, kind of in, I'm not even going to say in the worst way, because I don't believe that now. Yeah. But it has positioned me in a way, and I'm now in a place where I can be, I think, a lot more useful to a lot more people. Well, I think when people hear that, it's like,

it's not good or bad, you go to this sort of moral place. It's more like it's not positive or negative. It just is. And then you get to decide, By the way, time will tell whether it was positive or negative. Yeah, just show up. Yeah.

Just show up, put one foot in front of the other and be curious. That's something that's helped me a lot. When I fall into judgment of anyone other than myself, right? I go, no, no, no, wait a second. I'm actually going to be curious. I want to see how this plays out. I want to see how it plays out to lose my home and to lose most of my possessions. And I want to see how it plays out that, you know, I can't seem to get an acting job for the last power of long, right?

Like, I'm curious, actually. Yeah. Like I was, I had resentments there and I was like, no, actually, this is like, this is something I is out of my control. I do what I can. And the chips are going to fall how they fall. It's how I respond to what's going on here. And I thought, you know what? I have pigeoned myself into this like little narrow lane over here going, you know, you're a super poor kid from Texas that was a high school wrestler that like never had a date in her life. Like just was like awkward, horrible home life, lots of sexual abuse. abuse, lots of, just the crap, right? Yeah. And I list those things, too, when I talk to newcomers, people that are newly sober, because I say, that's not why I'm an alcoholic.

Yeah. I know a lot of people that went through a lot worse and they are an alcoholic. I said, that was my excuse. And I was like, that is me not taking accountability for who I am right now. And there's a quote that I actually had tattooed on my body because I thought it was cool back in the day. I think it still is. But it's, I'm not what happened to me.

I'm what I choose to become, which is a Carl Young quote. And for me, that is it. That is it. So I looked at my life and I said, now you're trying to do this acting thing still. Were you that happy when you're doing it? And the answer is like, yeah, sometimes. I mean, Thor was cool.

I got to wear a cape and, you know, had a sword and all kinds of fun stuff. There were a lot of things that I loved about being an actress. And maybe I will continue to do it. I really don't know. Yeah. But the freedom of letting go of the mask that I have not intentionally created, but that I notice and I'm aware of that I've created.

Holy shit. That kind of freedom of just like, so what? Yeah. Like I can live on two. There's a spectrum of life, right? I am literally on both far ends of the spectrum. I live in a studio apartment, very little possessions. In, luckily, though, Manhattan, so that's boogia is in of itself.

But like, I went from having many more material things, right? To not a lot now. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Yeah. I also just recently went to an. event as Susan Rockefeller's guest. And it was an event honoring Sophia Coppola. Chanel sponsored it. And I had a moment where I stood on that red carpet. People asking me for autographs. And I thought, you know, I just laughed and I was like, got it. I can be anything I want. I can do anything I want.

I can, you can feel more than one thing at a time. Anything is possible. Be curious. Interesting. Open your tunnel vision. Look at it all from every perspective that you can. I want to know what I can know to make me the most useful for someone else. And the thing about fear that I've learned, because I experienced a really traumatic flight in 2012. And now it didn't stop me from hanging outside of a chopper on blind spot. So that talk about screws being loose. But I was nervous to fly here yesterday because I hadn't flown in a while. And I thought, when have you ever been absent of fear?

And I went through the obvious like, oh, when, you know, I'm in a, you know, a room with other alcoholics. Then I said, no, you know, I'm never afraid when I'm being useful. And I'm never afraid when I'm being of service. Like, I actually don't, because I'm not thinking about myself when I'm being useful or being a service. I'm not up here. So I got on that plane. I said, I'm going to be as useful as possible. If somebody needs help putting up a bag, I'm going to do it.

If somebody wants to chat, I'll do it. If somebody wants me to do it. I was cleaning up shit on the plane. I was talking. I had the best time. Sure, it gets you out of your head. Oh, my God, yeah. And then I get in the taxi here in Austin and I meet a fella that,

from Morocco and I had spent time in Morocco and we were talking about Harsha, which is this great bread. And then I go into my hotel and there's this wonderful waiter that I sat and chatted with named Josh who was working to be a therapist who told me about Barton Springs, which I'm going to go swim, hopefully not drown. And I thought none of this is possible if I am in a state of fear. Right. So already I use that as an example of look how open and big your life just got in 24 hours. What's interesting, the curiosity thing, because like, artistically we understand that stuff has to happen to move the movie or the TV show or the book forward. I think it was the dollar llama. Someone asked the Dalai Lama like about, you know,

why is there evil? Why do they exist in the world? And he said to thicken the plot. And you go, oh yeah, like if it was simple, if nothing happened, if it always went the way we wanted to go, it would be incredibly boring. And also all the good stuff that comes from those moments. Like you need the crisis in the second act, so then there can be a third act. And then so we understand that creatively. We maybe even understand that historically or we see it in other people's lives. And then in our life, we're like, no, no, no, I got to keep it on track at all times. I can't afford this to happen. I don't want that to happen. And by the way, I'm going to torture myself with anxiety day to day as if that somehow keeps it all together. Because if it happens, it'll be the worst thing that ever happens, as opposed to. to a plot device or a way of moving the character, not just forward, but like to where it has to go. Right. I've always thought of adversity as being the greatest catalyst. Yeah. It's not easy to say when you're in the middle of a shitstorm. Sure. It's just not, you know. That doesn't mean it's fun. Doesn't mean it's fun. But you, if you're able to sit with yourself, perhaps there's people that you admire that you take some knowledge from. And you look at it on a piece of paper. Every time you look at someone's story, I think, of Victor Frankel. Yeah. You look at all these stories and you go, it's the same. Yeah. It's the same. This, there has to be adversity in one's life or you will, like, what's the point of life? Yeah. You know, perhaps that's the point of the afterlife. We don't have any of that shit. I have no idea. But there's a point to, I'd rather think that that I have a purpose here on this planet than just being a random piece of flesh walking around. I just, for me, it just makes me happier. So that works for me. And it may not work for everybody. But what? what I've started doing is, so again, you know, I'd pigeon myself into being just an actress.

I decided I'd like to write. So I started writing. Now, I didn't call myself a writer because I thought, no, because you know who's a writer. And I start listing, you know, all these people, James Fry, all these, you know, whatever. And do you know James? I know of him. Oh. I just listened to his podcast with Rich Roll, who I have to say, Rich Roll, I'm a fan. Like, I've never met him, but that guy has a level of humility and grace that I think is a really great thing for a lot of men, also women, but men to see, you know, not to mention his physical accomplishments. I mean, part of why I'm swimming and I'm going to compete is just to be like, hey, Rich Roll, I did it. You know, I mean, just, so again, I'm looking at people I respect and I'm going, what do they do? Like, what in my life kind of could

go with that? Like, where can I draw inspiration? Like, who's to say I can't write me? That's exactly who has been saying it. I had a tough upbringing where, looking back, now realize I just, I did not have the strength to apply myself in school other than sports. And the reason I did sports is wrestling specifically is I needed a place for the rage to go. And I grew very tall at a very young age. So, you know, I was taller than every opponent in my weight class. So I won almost every time I would sprawl and do the half and then that was that. I loved the competition side, but I hated hurting somebody. It was not my nature. And I learned about myself then. You know, I said, okay, I wonder when those.

that were going to be useful cut to. I do a bunch of action stuff. And I was like, oh, good. This is good. This is fake hurting people. This is great. But I look back on my life and say, well, there are a lot of things I wanted to be as a kid, but I was like, not possible for you. You're the poor kid in the rich school. You're the, you know, started your life in a trailer, single mother. Your dad is nowhere. Who knows where he is, didn't love you. You know, you were a punching bag for nine years. You were this, this and this. And a lot of things that people wouldn't guess by my exterior. Again, pun intended, don't judge a book by its cover. But think about, I do think about this and I look across the table at you and I say, both of us have survived 100% of what has happened to us. Yeah, sure. 100% or we wouldn't be sitting here. Also, you come from people that survived shit or you wouldn't be here. Or I wouldn't be here. And so you think of that track, that's a pretty good track record. And I think in a non-self-serving way and the worst way, right? Like, I think we should give ourselves some love for that. It's not easy. Life is hard. And the thing is,

My main mission this day forward is to make sure that every person I meet, and I really believe this is why I'm here, because I feel quiet about it in a way. But I want to make sure that every person I meet knows that they matter. That is something that I did not believe when I was a kid. Yeah. And so I am becoming the thing, the person that I wish I could have had when I was little. And a lot of my friends would say the same thing. And is that like, this is what I try to do and everything I do. I just like, how do you make a living doing that? I don't want to charge anybody for that. You know, like, I just want to sit with people and ask them how they're doing. And, you know, because I think of my story and I'm going, I'm just one person with this story. Like, what about your story? And, you know, Claire's story and every, you know, it's crazy to me to think, like, how layered all of us are. And another thing is like, I love the idea of viewing myself as a kaleidoscope. I'm a lot. lot of different stuff. I'm an actress. I'm a, you know, I was a wrestler. I'm, I like to write. I'm

going to really try hard to swim outdoors later today and not die. There's a lot of lifeguards at part in spring. This is good. I was, I needed to hear that. I was thinking to myself, it's on my agent, Chas, to save my life, and I might drown him in the process, and then he's got a family, and my brain will just be like, maybe you shouldn't go. But it's just like you can be all these wonderful things that you are, and you don't have to just stick to one thing. And you also don't have to be what you think others want you to be. Really what others think is not your business, because you will never know. You will actually never know truly what someone thinks about you 100%. It's not possible. You're not in their brain. Well, mostly they're not thinking about you at all.

A hundred percent. I have learned this over and over. It's actually one of those things where I was a little nervous coming here and I had to remember. It's like, hey, you're feeling this way. You are choosing to go on these thoughts of, oh, he's so much more well-read in stoicism. You know, he's so much, obviously like more versed, clearly as I say it, you're better versed in stoicism. And I thought, what am I going to bring to the table? It's like, hold on, just bring yourself and learn something. So you said you found stoicism in recovery. Did someone give you one of the books? Or do you remember how you came to it? Oh, but how did you find it? So I remember some, I cannot, and I remember this, but I don't remember who it was. Somebody that is a recovering addict was talking about Marcus

Aurelius. And I was like, oh, yeah, I used to read a lot of that when I was. younger and sort of praying for the relief of desire. I mean, Epictetus, I think, is more popular in the recovery community because he's so much about like some stuff is up to you, some stuff is not. Correct. Epictetus is basically the serenity prayer 2,000 years before the serenity prayer. I literally just had this conversation two days ago with a friend of mine. So he was like, what?

I don't know much about stoicism and he like Googled it. And he said, oh, it's basically the serenity prayer. Yes. I said, I know who you're looking at. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the idea of like, are you going to pray for this thing?

to magically go away, or are you going to pray to have the strength to deal with this thing? Yes. Because one, and pray isn't, I think, the operative word there, it's like, are you going to hope to be spared or are you going to hope to be strong enough to deal with it? Like, one is a much more resilient, sort of up-to-you thing to think about, and the other is just, like, hoping you get lucky. More of a victim mentality. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

For me, it's about accountability and taking responsibility, like being responsible for myself. So, you know, I'm not going to pray that I, you know, get a big job in a month or get income or do this or whatever. I'm going to pray that I stay of sound mind and that I stay useful to others. And then I am blessed with the strength to persevere. Yes. And that, to me, oh, I feel so much better about myself. You know, I feel like that's manageable. That other stuff is out of my control. Right. You know. Yes. One is a lot bigger target, yes. Yeah. And like, you just think about people just sort of like, how narrow their path is to success. They need this to happen and this to happen and this to happen and this to happen

as opposed to like, I'm sort of good with whatever. Like, I think the word that is associated with stoicism is indifference. And so that seems like you don't give a shit. It's not apathy. Yeah, but like I think what they mean by indifferent is like good either way. Yeah. Like I remember I was talking to Shaka Smart, who's a basketball, football coach. And he was a coach here in Texas and now he's a coach in Wisconsin. And I was saying,

like, do you, I was like, do you like warm weather or cold weather? You know, is there very different climates? He said it and I always think about it. He's like, I'm a dress for the weather guy. And he's basically saying I don't give a shit because I don't control it. And, you know, I think a lot of people are like, no, no, this is how I need things to be. And that's good so long as you get it. And you get in trouble when you don't get it. And life. ultimately you realize doesn't care what you care about. No, life has its own terms. Yeah.

It really isn't, you are not the center of the universe. Yes. Thank God. I think that's really what the fourth step is about. It's not so much like do you actually have to believe in a big guy in the sky or the gods the way the Stoics did or like does it actually have to be some higher? I think at the core of it, it's primarily coming to terms with the fact that you're not the higher power. Yes, you are not it. Yeah.

And I used to think, then how may I get all this done? And like, I have to be responsible for that. And I remember being told, no, no, no, you're confusing it. Like, know that you are not it, meaning can you see it as a weight off your shoulders? You are not in control of everything. Yeah. It's a relief. I'm like, cool. All I have to focus on is how I respond to whatever is in front of me. And that's it. So really, if I put my focus there and try to, you know, do everything I can with a sense of integrity, a sense of usefulness, a sense of compassion, empathy. all that stuff. I mean, I'm good. I really can't control the weather. I can't control anything. I mean, and so knowing that and I believe that, that's the difference. Like, you, I had to learn to believe that. And then it's like, oh, cool, there's something else looking after everybody and controlling everybody else and doing it. Like, I don't have to, you know, try to stand in front of the ocean and stop a wave. You're not going to be able to do it. Right. And even once you believe it, it's still the day to day and maybe even like hour by hour and minute by minute reminder because you catch your resuming the role of being the higher power or the center of the universe all the time.

You're like, well, no, no, I need this plane to be on time, or I need this package to come in, or I need this person to be elected. You know, like, you need it to be a certain way to be good, to be happy, to be safe, to whatever it is. Yeah. And then you're just like, wait, like, how often historically have I gotten my way? Like, not that often. No. And you're fine.

You figure it out. Yeah. And in fact, you look back and you go, hey, most, you're just. Most of the time, the things I'm most proud of are like how I responded when it didn't go my way. Yeah. There's a great sense of empowerment that you can get from that knowing that if you take things one step at a time as they come, you can get through anything. Yeah. A lot of people ask me, I work with a lot of women in recovery and I'll get asked, well, I don't understand how to do that.

You know, like it's easier said than done. You know, you've had this amount of time. I'm thinking, I don't get a lot of time. over. Like eight years is not a ton of time. But when I'm asked that, they're like, how do you do it then? And then you're kind of like, oh, shit, I got to, okay, I go back to, I stay curious. I look at my life as one big fat experiment. I didn't know how that flight was going to go if there was going to be, you know, but I was like, I'm curious. I'm curious about the people I'm sitting next to. I'm curious, you know, I was talking with this fellow next to me, Anders from Sweden. And I was drinking a club soda at the same time. And he made

me laugh and it came out my nose and I was like couldn't have predicted that to happen, you know. But then it's like, okay, how do I respond to that? I used to feel embarrassed, right? I laughed harder and more came out of my nose. It was just like there's a lightness of being when, for me, when I stay curious rather than dictative. Like, this has to happen so I can do this and that. It's like, boy, left to my own devices, like, I is clearly am not the best judge of what should happen and what shouldn't happen. So I'm really curious to let something outside of myself, something bigger than me lead, like steer the ship. That's an interesting way to think about it, right? Part of accepting powerlessness and also the higher power thing, probably the reason that's so important in recovery is like you don't make good choices.

That's why you're here. If it was working, you wouldn't be here. And if you were well qualified to be the driver of the universe, you wouldn't have blown up your life. Yeah. A hundred percent. I mean. Like learning that to not trust, like sometimes we have to learn to trust our instincts. And then there's this other part of it where you're like, no, my instincts are fucking stupid. I mean, you learn that when you train like in any kind of combat sport. You're like whatever you think you're good at, then when you actually, you're like, no, no, this is like your instincts are what makes you, you know, you go like this or you do the thing. And that's like the most vulnerable thing you can do.

Your instincts suck. You have to practice this stuff. It is not natural for most people. And alcoholics and addicts that are in recovery. We're so much luckier. We are because we literally get taught this stuff from day one and we get to see it in real time. And, you know, I find the 12 steps incredibly helpful. And it's, they're almost like this algorithm I can plug my life into and it spits out a pretty solid suggestion, you know? It's up to me whether I take that suggestion. But a lot of us that are sober and I guess I could, I should just speak for myself is that I have been incredibly humbled by my recovery by life by people around me. And so I find that strange, I don't know if easier is the word,

but I do find that I have easier access to that mentality. Yeah, well, people will go like, oh, I'm going to trust my gut. But it's like, have you actually done the work to earn that trust? Yeah. People are like, oh, I'm, I'm intuitive. And it's like, where's the evidence that you have good intuition, you know? And so like part of, I think whether the Trollsap or philosophy or religion, what they are is like, they're not perfect, but it is tried and tested over thousands of years that like, you trust this thing. Override your instincts and your impulses because like this is, this is a better framework or an algorithm. Because your algorithm is biased, it's prejudiced, it's not sufficiently worked out. It's all these other things.

And you have to have that sort of leap of faith of the trust in the like, yeah, this is actually, this is based on more than just me, who, by the way, hasn't been here that long. Right. Correct. Or actually been through anything that's, like the most serious thing that you've been through. I mean, every person is not the most serious thing that people have been through. Correct. Like it's only been tested to a certain amount of pressure.

And other people have been through more and worse, more times. And like, you know, you think you'd want to avail yourself of, like, that wisdom. I read somewhere that you read a Stoic passage every day. Okay, I do actually brought my daily Stoic book because whether you like it or not, you're going to sign it. So I used to have meditations, and I would read that. And I would, you know, sometimes I don't have a ton of time to sit and meditate on it. So what I love that you've done is you've brought this ancient philosophy and you have made it so much more digestible for the modern person. These teachings, honestly, they were popular at some people.

points in history, right? Like repeatedly. But in all honesty, when I mentioned stoicism, a lot of people are like, what's that? Like you're stoic, like you're strong, you stand up tall, and you're like, not quite. And so when I start to talk about it, they're always like, wow, I mean, yeah, I've thought that way or I felt that way. And so I recommend your book because I say, look, not only are you just getting Marcus Aurelius, you're getting Epictetus, you're getting Seneca, you're getting all these

different avenues of stoicism, of the philosophy, and you're getting somebody who is alive right now that's putting it out there in real time. So that if you say, you know, if you read a text and you're like, hmm, I'm not quite sure what that means. It's like, you know what? Here's an interpretation at the bottom of the page. Yeah. Does that give you something to think about? And so what I do is every morning, I wake up, this is part of my morning routine to keep my head screwed on straight. I wake up, I write a gratitude list that's half a page. And it can be silly things. It can be something grand. I just say, look, it's, again, the whole spectrum. right? I have a lot to be grateful for. And it puts my mind in a state of focus on what's working.

Like, well, it's going good, you know, because there's a lot of stuff. I mean, you can have something bad happened in your life and then that's all you see. And it's like, hold on, two things can be happening at the same time and even more. So I do that. Actually, wrong. Right before I do the gratitude list, I read a passage from the Daily Stoic. Oh, wow. And then I take that and I think about it. And I say, hmm, I'm going to carry that with me today. And I'm going to apply the lesson. And And sometimes I'll take a screen grab on my phone if it's a little longer because I want to read it again. And so then I write the gratitude list. Then I have these little intention cards that I found that I've had for like 15 years or something.

And I'll just pull a random card and also carry that intention. And then I start my day. And I just, I feel grounded because I feel very aligned with this philosophy. And look, yes, as a woman saying this. You know, I haven't encountered many female stoics. I have encountered a lot of women that I think already sort of have this philosophy within them. Sure. That don't realize that it matches stoicism.

But I can't say that the stoics treated women very well. You know, there's a lot of history in there that's a little dodgy, but it's sign of the times and whatnot. And I'm sure there were female stoics. They just weren't recorded as often because they couldn't be. Well, I mean, this is a world where, like, all the women in your line of the family would just have the same name. So it's like Julia Caesar, Julia Caesar, Julia Caesar, Julia Caesar, you know, it's just like how it would go. So yeah, we don't have great records. But not to say that that can't, you know, you doing what you're doing, it's like this is part of the legacy and this is how I see it. Just coming from my perspective is like you are taking something that is so profound that I have found that helps me in my daily life that has helped give me a sense of peace that I have trouble reaching on my own. You've taken it, made it accessible, and that's part of your legacy. Well, that's very nice.

You're talking about being a service. Someone did that for me, and I'm just sort of paying that forward. That's what sort of gets me going. Is it green? Is that who you're talking about your... You want to know who introduced me to show this? Dr. Drew. Even...

Oh, I knew that. Yes. I remember hearing about that. It was a very random set of circumstances. But see, perfect, got you to pay attention. Somebody gives you the book and then, I mean, you can give someone the tools and then do, you know, it's ultimately on them to read it or apply it or. or do what they are going to do with it.

But yeah, I found this thing and did something for me. And then you're sort of, I feel like life is about paying it forward. I agree. I love that philosophy. So how do you feel now knowing, I mean, again, and this isn't from an egoic perspective, it's like, do you feel like you are very much in line and aligned with why you were put on this planet? Yeah. I mean, I feel like this is what I meant to do.

In a way, the success of it complicates it because there's just a lot of people involved. And I don't just mean there's like a lot of, there's like a big team, which there is, is not just me. But I mean, there's just like a lot of people involved with me and the thing that I would also quietly be spending time with anyway. Like as helpful as it's been to me and as much as I try to apply to my life, my personal application of it is a constant struggle like it is for everyone. But there's also just like this is like the thing that's creatively and artistically fulfilling to me. but then it involves lots of people. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah.

That's the weird part. But would you say that that might be how you know that it is your purpose is that you would be doing it without the notoriety as well? I think so. Yeah. So it's naturally in you. It's something that you. And then it's also like what I feel like, I think Stoicism is a philosophy that I'm lit up by, but then writing is the profession that I'm lit up by. And they just happen to have merged.

And so that's a weird. do you know what I mean? If I was like personally into Stoic philosophy and then I wrote, you know, like... Murder mystery? Murder mysteries or, you know, historical fiction or whatever. It would be, there would be a separate, there'd be like a church and state there, but there isn't.

So it's a little, it can be a little weird. I actually find that to be very similar to Marcus Aurelius. Yeah, maybe. And in the sense that, like, he did this thing as a way to help himself stay grounded and help him rule in the best way that he saw fit. So it's kind of one of those things where he was constantly humbled every day by these two things that were intersecting quite often. Well, I think it's like if you had asked him at 20 what he wanted to do with his life.

It wouldn't have been. He would have said, I want to be a philosopher. Right. And then he gets sort of selected or drafted into being the emperor. And I think what I would make up, and if I was doing it in fiction, I would show him as being quite torn by this. Yes. And only later in life after a lot of struggle and resistance does he realize that they're the same thing.

And that actually he was uniquely suited to be a king who was a philosopher as opposed to a philosopher who had opinions about how a king should be. Sure. But I think that's common. It's like we think our job or our path or what we were chosen for is this. And it's actually this. And it's only an understanding that they're much more similar that eventually they converge that we're. sort of really doing what we're supposed to be doing. Yeah.

I think that's a big relief in life. Yeah. When you stop trying to fight, you're like, no, no, no, I don't want that thing. I want this thing. And you realize actually, in some ways, this thing is what's actually going to allow you to do that thing. Yeah. Like, facilitates it, it, it, like, and again, like, I see that with Epictetus as well, you

know, you're looking at this guy and you're just like, God, he's like the, I mean, talk about, like, a shitty deck of cards. Yes. But he didn't let it stop him from writing. what he wrote down in that sense of like going, these are the lessons I'm learning in also weird parallel to Marcus Aurelius. One is dealt a shittier objectively deck of cards. Yes, objectively.

But like neither of them is dealt the hand they would have chosen. And that's what they share in common. And that's where the meditations come from. Yes. That is where this philosophy comes from. I don't think it would have been possible without that two halves of a whole dueling situation that they were both put on. that of course then helps me where I'm at in my life and will continue to help me to keep that perspective of like, hmm. Yeah, you don't know.

I don't know. That goes to the curiosity. You think your job is X, but the world is telling you the world's over here trying to hire you for Y. Yes. And you're like, well, maybe I, instead of fighting it, I'll see if that's actually what I'm supposed to do. What have I got to lose? Like, why not? Like, I think society has given us a template of what we feel because we've seen it.

And a lot of people, and most of them are miserable. But we go, oh, everybody else has said that it's this. So I guess they're right. And it's like, oh, no. Well, how do you feel? Yeah. You know, what do you feel to be true? And I think we all have it in us.

We all have that inner knowing. And it's just our external world and the people in it, we've allowed them to consciously or unconsciously take us away from our inner knowing. And things like this, meditations, you know, stoicism in general, has helped me get in touch with my inner knowing that I felt or that I feel now has always been there. And I just, it's always been accessible. Yeah. And I think there, there, I do hear from a lot of people in recovery. Stoicism does seem to have made its way.

I think there's a couple of sort of, of the original guys that had quoted the Stoics here or there. So I think they were even familiar with it like a hundred years ago or whatever. It feels that way when I read some of that literature back from like the 30s and 40s, I kind of go, oh, this is familiar, you know, maybe less eloquently written, but still I can see the parallels. And again, that's that version of me that, that side of me that's always trying to look for what's working. Yeah. Like, what can I identify with? I'm sick of looking at what it makes me different. Yes. You know, I find that to be a waste of time for me personally. Right.

So, yeah, are you going to sign my book? Yeah, of course. You want to go check out some books in the bookstore? Yeah, I would love to. Thanks so much for listening. If you could rate this podcast and leave a review on iTunes, that would mean so much to us and it would really help the show. We appreciate it, and I'll see you next episode.